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city

CP’s Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ - 2]

T wo teenagers are caught on video causing $20,000 to $30,000 worth of damage to Manayunk’s recently refurbished Venice Island Park. Listen, kids: You’ll have plenty of time to be a mindless shithead in Manayunk when you’re older.

[ + 2] The Police Department is awarded a

$320,000 federal grant to expand its data science program to include “hypothesis testing.” Situation 1: If an immigrant shopkeeper files a complaint that officers have been shaking him down for cash, does that shop catch fire in the middle of the night?

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Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum says he’s once again considering a run for president in 2015 and will make an announcement in June. “Oh, honey, no. Never happen.

You’re just too creepy,” says his wife. “Aw, shucks. Well, as a consolation prize, may I perform the marital act upon you?” asks Santorum. “Same answer,” says wife.

[ + 1] Comcast opens a 4,000 square-foot “Xfinity Store” in Northeast Philadelphia where people can pay their bills, return equipment and try out products. You mean the customer-service reps are right there, within hugging distance? And there’s no protective glass or anything? Well, that’s interesting.

[ - 1]

Center City personality Philly Jesus is arrested at Dilworth Park for disorderly conduct. Meanwhile, well-known skaterpunk Barabbas is released at the urging of a small mob in Love Park.

[0]

oug Oliver, who was Mayor Nutter’s D spokesman from 2008 to 2010 and now works as VP of marketing for PGW, says he is considering a run for mayor. Well, sir, you must be quite skilled at marketing! We’ve asked around and it seems like everybody in Philadelphia uses your gas company.

[ - 1]

C haka Fattah says the city should have a “Bill Cosby Month,” honoring the comedian.

Just a kind word from one guy who hasn’t been charged with a crime to another.

This week’s total: -2 | Last week’s total: +7 | P h i l a d e l P h i a C i t y Pa P e r |

WORTH GOLD: Metered parking spaces like this one in Center City don’t stay open for long. emily guendelsberger

[ parking wars ]

Needle iN a haystack Finding a parking space in the city is a pain, but an app that allows you to sell your space raises its own questions. By Emily Guendelsberger

P

“

arking in my neighborhood is tough!” says a smiling young woman in an ad for the parking app Haystack. She and several friends appear to be drinking water in a coffee shop. “I know the street spot I have right now is in high demand.

I’m about to leave here, so I use Haystack! With a simple tap, I let my neighbors know where I’m parked, and that I’ll be leaving soon,” she says. but that’s not all: “I even get paid when it’s taken!”

Cut to a bearded dude, driving around bemoaning how much he hates circling the neighborhood looking for parking, wasting time and burning fuel. He uses the Haystack app to bid $5 to $20 to call dibs on Smiling Woman’s parking place. As bearded Dude pulls up behind Smiling Woman’s car, the two wave, then she pulls out and he pulls in. Smiling Woman and Haystack split the money. “For a couple bucks, I got the perfect space, while saving time and money,” enthuses bearded man. “And together, we did our part to make our neighborhood a little greener!” says Smiling Woman. Fin. not shown: Frustrated 63-Year-old, who, without the benefit of a smartphone, drives past Smiling Woman’s car as she sits waiting for bearded man to pull up. As the two Haystack users pat themselves

n o v e m b e r 2 0 - n o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | C i t y Pa P e r . n e t

on the back, Frustrated 63-Year-old is, in fact, still circling the block, wondering why the hell he never can find a parking spot anymore. now, baltimore-based Haystack doesn’t operate in Philadelphia at the moment, and repeated checks of similar apps like monkey Parking didn’t turn up any Center City users, either. on Thursday, though, City Council is scheduled to consider (and likely pass) Councilman bill Greenlee’s legislation to ban parking-auction apps and impose a $250 fine for using them to sell a space. If it seems a bit premature, just read up on the battle that Philly, the Philadelphia Parking Authority (PPA) and the taxi industry are currently fighting with Uber, which is proving incredibly difficult to uproot now that it’s established itself in the area.

With Uber, public opinion is split on whether the tech company’s pushiness and lack of respect for city regulations should be classified as heroic disruption or entitled assholery. but most people seem to find parking-auction apps viscerally gross.

The YouTube comments on the Haystack video have been disabled, which usually only happens when they’re overwhelmingly abusive. other cities, including boston and L.A., have used strong words in banning parking apps since they became a thing this summer; startup-friendly San Francisco even tried to get monkey Parking kicked out of Apple’s app store. And a TechCrunch.com

Urban curbside parking is a market failure.

>>> continued on page 8

[ is down on doubling down ] [ a million stories ]

✚ why the firestorm now over bill cosby?

Allegations that bill Cosby drugged and raped several women blew up on the Internet a month ago — but the timing was slightly confusing, given that women had been making similar allegations for more than a decade and he has never been charged. even comedian Hannibal buress, whose “Cosby is a rapist” joke at a standup set at the Trocadero last month set the whole thing off, is confused. He said he’d been doing that bit for months without anybody noticing.

Here’s a brief timeline, if you haven’t been following along: 2005 – Andrea Constand, a former Temple employee, accuses

Cosby of drugging and molesting her in 2004, and files a civil suit.

Tamara Green, a California lawyer, comes forward to describe a similar assault in the 1970s. Thirteen Jane Does who allege similar assaults are listed as witnesses in Constand’s suit. one, beth Ferrier, who had dated Cosby, goes public with a similar story.

2006 – Cosby settles with Constand for an undisclosed sum. The Jane Does never testify, though one, barbara bowman, comes forward and tells Phillymag that Cosby drugged and raped her in 1986, when she was an 18-year-old aspiring actress.

Jan. 22, 2014 – nbC announces Cosby has signed a deal to star as the patriarch of a half-hour family sitcom.

Oct. 16 – Comedian Hannibal buress gives two performances at the Trocadero Theater that include this bit: “[bill Cosby] gets on Tv — ‘Pull your pants up, black people, I was on Tv in the ’80s! I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom!’ Yeah, but you rape women, bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches. … Trust me, when you leave here, Google ‘bill Cosby rape.’ That shit has more

results than Hannibal buress.”

Oct. 17 – A Phillymag writer who was at the show posts a video clip and partial transcript of buress’ Cosby bit.

Oct. 20 – Gawker and other big media outlets pick up the story.

Oct. 21 – According to Google, the number of people searching for “bill cosby rape” hits 100 on their scale of 0-100. buress tells Howard Stern that he’d been doing that bit for six months.

Oct. 30 – Cosby’s scheduled appearance on The Queen Latifah Show is postponed. nov. 10 – @billcosby tweets, “Go ahead. meme me! #Cosbymeme” with a link to a Cosby meme generator. People immediately start using it to produce Cosby-is-a-rapist memes. nov. 13 – barbara bowman publishes an essay in the Washington Post titled “bill Cosby raped me. Why Did It Take 30 Years for People to believe my Story?” nov. 14 – Cosby’s scheduled appearance on Late Night with David Letterman is canceled. The next day, on nPr’s Weekend Edition, Cosby declines three times to speak — and only shakes his head — when interviewer Scott Simon brings up the allegations. nov. 16 – A fifth woman, Joan Tarshis, comes forward, alleging that Cosby drugged and raped her in 1969 when she was a 19-year-old aspiring comedy writer. She calls him a “serial rapist.” nov. 17 – Cnn’s Anderson Cooper does a segment on the allegations. nov. 18 – Audio from a 1969 standup special where Cosby jokes about slipping Spanish fly into girls’ drinks resurfaces. Variety reports that nbC is under pressure to cancel Cosby’s sitcom.

timeline graphic at citypaper.net

—emily Guendelsberger

photostream ➤ submit to photostream@citypaper.net

NO DICE: Helen Gym of Asian Americans United, left, and Paul Boni, a Stop Predatory Gambling board member, protest the awarding of a second casino in Philadelphia on Tuesday. Greenwood Racing and The Cordish Company won a license to build Live! Hotel & Casino at 900 Packer Ave. in South Philly. hillary petrOzziellO

hostilewitness 55

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will the gop stop wolf and hold philly back? ➤ Tom CorbeTT has bequeaThed Dem­

ocratic Gov.­elect Tom Wolf not only wrecked public schools, but also a projected state budget deficit of nearly $2 billion, according to last week’s report from the state Independent Fiscal Office. Conservative government, that chimeric realm of low taxes and high living, was just a marketing scheme. And given Corbett’s historic loss, a low­quality one.

Wolf has a mandate — low voter turnout prompts some to question how large — to reverse Corbett’s deep cuts to public education. Wolf says he wants to do this partly by taxing natural­gas extraction (not ending it, to environmentalists’ chagrin) and making the state income tax progressive, which translates to higher rates on the wealthy.

But Corbett’s deficit means that Wolf must first dig out before he rebuilds — he cannot let deeply cut programs get cut once again. Republicans, who in the very same election expanded their majorities in the state legislature, will make that difficult. This is a more conservative iteration of a Republican legislature that mostly refused to pass a Republican governor’s agenda.

It seemingly gets worse: Centre County Sen. Jake Corman ousted moderate Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi. This could spell more disaster for Philadelphia, since the outgoing Republican leader, from Delaware County, was perceived by some in Philly as an ally.

Pennsylvania Republicans are, like their Washington counterparts, in the awkward posi­ tion of running a government that many of them would like to dismantle. But it’s not yet clear whether they will likewise embrace obstruction as single­ minded obsession.

As Democratic strategist Tony May pointed out, Corman vociferously opposed cuts to higher educa­ tion under Corbett, warning that it could send the state system toward privatization. And incoming Republican House Majority Leader David Reed has made a lot of noise about fighting poverty. Reed’s ideologically rigid predecessor, Rep. Mike Turzai, is 22

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c i t y pa p e r . n e t | n o v e m b e r 2 0 - n o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | p h i l a d e l p h i a c i t y pa p e r |

✚ Needle in a Haystack

[ the naked city ]

<<< continued from page 6

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editorial recently used monkey Parking and reservationHop (which makes phony reservations at popular restaurants and then scalps them) to coin the term “JerkTech,” defined as “a compassionless new wave of self-serving startups that exploit small businesses and public infrastructure to make a buck and aid the wealthy.”

Parking apps have generally responded to cities’ requests that they kindly GTFo by pointing out that they’re not actually selling parking — they just help people sell information about parking spaces, which they argue is protected by the First Amendment.

They also note that urban curbside parking is a huge market failure — a snarl of unintended consequences of keeping street parking prices artificially low despite low supply and high demand.

Why do we do that, again?

“Curb parking started out being free because the parking meter wasn’t invented until 1935,” nearly 20 years after the model T made car ownership accessible to the masses, giving people a long time to settle into believing that free public parking is an essential American right, says U.C.L.A. urban planning professor Donald Shoup, author of the 733-page parking-policy bible The High Cost of Free Parking. (Among other things, the book addresses how nondrivers end up shouldering many of the costs of parking, subsidizing car ownership.)

“Haystack responds to a real problem, but it’s the wrong solution,” Shoup says. “Haystack is feasible because the city does a bad job of managing its curb parking. “everybody wants to park free — including me — and that will never change,” Shoup continues. but the parking app companies, though they may sound insincere, aren’t wrong about that being a huge market failure. “Probably one of the most valuable things that Philadelphia owns is its on-street parking,” says Shoup, but like in nearly every American city, it’s artificially undervalued in the name of fairness.

Parking-auction apps take advantage of the excess demand that results. “Haystack suggests that something’s wrong — ‘oh, I see that the prices are wrong, and I can come in and make money out of it.’ Instead of letting a company like Haystack make money out of it, Philadelphia ought to do this and get the money itself,” says Shoup. by “do this,” Shoup means adjust curbside parking prices to their fair market value, which would leave no space open for parking apps to come in and eat the city’s lunch. He’s spent decades making the case that while fairness is a nice concept, current parking policy in most cities hasn’t changed much since there were many fewer cars on the streets, and no longer makes sense. meter prices aren’t high enough to motivate people to free up spots by moving their cars (or to leave their cars at home), which results in tons of congestion and added pollution as drivers circle the block searching for a spot. (Shoup’s book cites studies indicating that a third of cars on congested city streets are doing just that.)

The ideal price for a block of parking meters that will keep traffic from getting tied up, Shoup says, is the lowest price the city can charge that would still leave one or two open spaces on every block.

“When I was in Philadelphia a couple weeks ago, I walked around a lot, and often I saw not a single open space on a block,” he says.

In 2011, San Francisco used a $20 million federal grant to roll out SFpark, a smart-parking system based on some of the ideas Shoup champions. SFpark uses sensors to track whether parking spots in eight congested areas are occupied or empty throughout the day, analyzes the data, then adjusts prices monthly to nudge occupancy closer to “one or two empty spaces per block at all times.” Drivers can also check an app to see which blocks have

n o v e m b e r 2 0 - n o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | C i t y Pa P e r . n e t

HAYSTACK: This Baltimore-based parking-auction app isn’t active in Philly yet, but could be banned by Council. emily guendelsberger

more or less parking available, and pay by cell phone.

A study earlier this year found that cruising for parking was down 50 percent in San Francisco since 2011.

“The thing that surprised everybody was that the average price of curb parking went down,” says Shoup. “Seventeen percent of all meters went down to 25 cents an hour, and only something like 7 percent of them went up to $6 an hour. And I can assure you that the demand for parking in San Francisco is much higher than it is in Philadelphia!” In most residential neighborhoods without constant block-circling, he says, the fair price would probably remain at zero. richard Dickson, deputy executive director of the PPA, says that people often misunderstand parking meters purely as revenue generators. “The fee is really a management tool, though; it’s not like a rental or a lease on the space. The time limits and meter fees are set in such a way that encourages people to turn those spaces over many times during the course of the day so that other people can have access to them as well,” Dickson says. but, Dickson says, they pointedly don’t raise the fees too high.

“We try to find a balance between a fee that encourages turnover and a fee that excludes people because it’s exorbitant,” he says.

With the San Francisco maximum hourly price of $6 an hour, three times Philly’s max, he says, “You’re really pricing some people out of access.”

The PPA has mentioned Shoup’s work on their blog. Asked if they’d ever considered a model like SFpark, Dickson said it wasn’t in the cards anytime soon. “It’s very expensive, and there’s a couple problems associated with the sensors. number one, San Francisco doesn’t have snow like Philadelphia does, which potentially covers the sensors and makes them inoperable.” The SFpark app distracts drivers, and leaves motorists who aren’t using it in the dark about the price of the spot they’re pulling into, he says.

Public parking spaces shouldn’t only go to people who have smartphones or lots of money, Dickson says. “We believe it is in the best interest of everyone — motorists and people and businesses — that everybody have access to [parking] on an equal basis,” he says. (emilyg@citypaper.net, @emilygee)

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n o v e m b e r 2 0 - n o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | C i t y Pa P e r . n e t

[ the naked city ]

â&#x153;&#x161; Hostile Witness <<< continued from page 7

The budget season in February will be a true test of the Republican temperament. slated to become House speaker. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a promotion, but the majority leader may hold greater influence over the legislative agenda.

We will only truly understand the Republican majorityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s temperament when budget season arrives in February of next year. Wolf will make a proposal, and the legislature will respond. And, thanks to the huge deficit, state lawmakers will have to do something. Republicans are unlikely to push for deeper austerity since massive public-education cuts helped doom Corbett. But they may be wary of backing the increased spending necessary to pull us out of this horrible status quo.

Some believe that Wolf must engage in monumental horse trading. Namely, many Republicans want to reform the stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s underfunded pensions by reducing them, and privatize the state liquor stores.

For Wolf, both would mean turning his back on public-sector workers who backed his election.

But there are issues that could foster compromise.

One is a tax package (including closing corporate loopholes) aimed at reducing the always-unpopular local property taxes. Another would be a measure to downsize the stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s huge, inhumane and expensive prison system.

Wolf has the benefit of a public that supports boosting education funding, imposing a severance tax on the natural-gas industry and (at least the concept of) higher taxes for the wealthy. And he has potential allies among the legislatureâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s remaining moderate Republicans, including many who are likely miffed about Pileggiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ouster.

The worst-case scenario for Wolf, and for Philadelphia public schools, is that Republicans refuse to raise enough revenue. That means waiting until 2016, when Democrats hope a fierce presidential contest will drive enough turnout to reverse prior Republican waves. But districts gerrymandered to protect Republicans â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and the fact that even fairly drawn districts are biased toward rural voters â&#x20AC;&#x201D; make that unlikely.

Few Philadelphians bothered to vote two weeks ago even though Corbett had taken a wrecking ball to the city. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a sign that broken public schools, and other messes, have left us more cynical than angry.

Election season has become more commercial background noise, millions of dollars competing for the alienated citizenryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eyeballs. But next yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s budget, and what gets allocated to Philly schools, will serve as a reminder that government still matters. No matter how much you hate it. (daniel.denvir@citypaper.net, @danieldenvir)

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artsmusicmoviesmayhem

19102review The review of Philadelphia books

What have We Learned? ➤ AlArm bells stArt ringing when you

hear the premise of author Alice Goffman’s book, On the Run: Fugitive Life in an American City: A white Ivy Leaguer from a more privileged background writes about black males living in a rougher side of town.

But Goffman’s attempt is mostly successful.

At the time a sociology student at UPenn, Goffman spent six years in a low-income Philadelphia neighborhood that she code-names “Sixth Street.” She embedded herself into the environment and wrote her senior thesis about a group of young men she befriended through a high schooler she tutored.

Her personal connection to her subjects, particularly brothers Chuck, Reggie and Tim, helps to negate some of the issues of an outsider looking in.

Though, as her lengthy breakdowns of their slang show, some things are simply lost in translation.

The book often reads like what it is, a term paper — understandable, but the scholastic tone undercuts the impact of Goffman’s experience.

On the Run is strongest when focused on stories.

At one point, Goffman recalls hanging out with Chuck and his friend Mike at Mike’s mother’s home, sleeping over after watching a movie. She’s awoken by the sound of the police, raiding the home in search of Mike. She’s forced to the ground and cuffed, Mike’s mother pleading the cops not to shoot her. These moments are powerful, but soon lose momentum when used as examples to prove her thesis.

Goffman’s book will not satisfy those looking for a day-by-day account of her experiences on Sixth Street, but for a glimpse at the psychology of a heavily policed community, it does just fine.

—Nia Prater

✚ Alice Goffman

On the Run: Fugitive Life in an American City (University of ChiCago Press, 2014, 288 PP.)

✚ If you know of any really good books to review, please

email mikala@citypaper.net.

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HEYDAY: Huffamoose scored a hit on Billboard’s Modern Rock charts with “Wait” in 1998. That’s me, Craig Elkins, second from the right.

[ rock/memories ]

Life after huffamoose I was the lead singer of a band you might remember. But wait, that’s not all.

By Craig Elkins

➤ editor’s note: Craig Elkins was the frontman of Philly-based

alt-rock band Huffamoose from 1992 to 2001. Their song “Wait” was a hit on billboard’s Modern Rock charts in 1998, and was a staple at Phillies games and on local rock radio for awhile. The 2003 film Here Comes Huffamoose famously documented the band’s explosive breakup in the middle of a cross-country tour. The band patched things up for some reunion shows in 2009, and is playing another one at Ardmore Music Hall on Sunday (all proceeds benefit Dan’s Voice Memorial Fund for the Treatment and Research of Head & Neck Cancer). We asked Elkins, who still performs as a solo artist in L.A., to reflect on his music career, his Philly years and where’s he’s at now.

H

ello there.

I hope you are doing well. my name is Craig elkins and I have a few confessions to make.

I don’t love Prince and I don’t care much for the music of Wilco.

I don’t like A.D. Amorosi either, although he isn’t a musician, he’s

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just a dick. At least he plays one in my Huffamoose memories. He wrote the “Icepack” column for Philadelphia City Paper and he was not a fan of my band. He did write a lot of positive stuff about other bands, DJs and the like though, and I’ve heard that he’s fairly attractive — so he can’t be all bad. In my experience, attractive people are usually the smartest and most fun to be around.

In those same memories I play the often chubby lead singer (of Huffamoose) with a penchant for lateness and alcohol. man, could I be obnoxious — or so I’m told. Thankfully, at that point in my life, I did not suffer from post-party anxiety, guilt and remorse.

These days, I drink a beer and wake up the next day in a loathsome fog. When I was busy getting my party on, I remember dreading turning 40 and still being on the road. The grizzled old dude playing music in crappy little clubs to five people, hanging out in band rooms, picking away at a veggie tray.

Thankfully, that never happened because Huffamoose disbanded before I turned 40. now, at 52, I look back at pictures of 40-yearold me and revel in how young and thin I was (often chubby, not always). And, I still get to play in crappy clubs to almost no one, but the clubs are within a 10 mile radius of my home.

As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I am 52. A 52-year-old website programmer who works from home. … And I love it. not

I still get to play in crappy clubs to almost no one.

>>> continued on page 24

[ the hourglass spills its sand only to punish you ] soundadvice

[ album reviews ]

➤ arca | a-

➤ restorations | a-

even for Arca fans, Xen (mute) might be too fragmentary. Having built something akin to a mainstream reputation (if not fame) working with Kanye and FKA twigs, the venezuelan producer has delivered a full-length debut that’s an intractable, formless, almost preternaturally quiet collection of sonics. When he catches your ear, though, you get intimations of sci-fi reggaeton (“Thievery”), a synthstring-séance for Hitchcock (“Tongue”) and plain, aching beauty —dotun akintoye from a possible future (“Wound”).

Punk-meets-Americana has reached its creative pinnacle on restorations’ LP3 (SideoneDummy). From the muddled opening atmospherics on “Wales” to the dramatic, tempo-shifting closing beats on “It’s not,” this Philly band’s latest record reveals a dexterous sonic tapestry over repeat listens while losing no immediacy from its interlocked wailing guitars, bombastic drums and Jon Loudon’s grizzled vocals. maybe the best damn rock record you’ll hear all year.

—Sameer rao

➤ crying | B Programmed Game boys, hooky-as-fuck guitar riffs and elaiza Santos’ vapory vocals mine the best gems from SneS beat-’em-ups and/or those absurd J-pop tracks used in anime opening-credits sequences on Get Olde/Second Wind (run for Cover). It’s the spirit of that sugar-blasted digital entertainment that Crying harnesses, repurposed and repackaged as if this trio of introverted upstate new York brats deserves its own Saturday morning cartoon show. (remember those?)

—Marc Snitzer

flickpick

By A.D. Amorosi

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➤ big k.r.i.t. | B+ Cadillactica (Def Jam) begins with a gnostic myth of “Kreation” complete with K.r.I.T. as an easily persuaded demiurge.

The notion of an 808 as the big bang is about as amusing and clever as he thinks, and “hoes can’t twerk to the high-hat never” is a nominee for line of the year. The relative lack of samples pushes K.r.I.T.-the-producer to work some positive changes to his down-home ’Sip funk, and though his singing guests outdo his rapping ones, K.r.I.T.’s heart is big, his mind sharp —dotun akintoye and his tongue even sharper.

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[ movie review ]

FoXCAtCHeR [ a-] although it’s not entirely free of the plodding About America-ness of Money-

ball and Capote, bennett miller’s latest has a secret weapon at its center, and it’s not Steve Carell’s nose. As John eleuthère du Pont, the unstable millionaire who murdered olympic wrestling champion Dave Schultz on his newtown Square estate in 1996, Carell disappears beneath layers of latex and padding, but he never sinks into du Pont’s skin. That’s where Channing Tatum’s performance as Dave’s younger brother, mark Schultz, comes in. Although he was also an olympic gold medalist, mark was overshadowed by his more charismatic brother, which in Dan Futterman’s version of the story, leads to a psychic bond between him and du Pont. Tatum’s quiet, self-lacerating bearing gives the movie its broken soul, part wounded puppy, part attack dog. With an early scene where du Pont and mark look out over the valley Forge battleground, Foxcatcher lunges for symbolic significance: mark is an abandoned veteran, a national hero, cast aside once he’s served out his term, reduced to regaling middle-school assemblies for $20 checks. but miller’s grasp is sure, and the movie’s steady march toward its tragic foregone conclusion feels inevitable rather than redundant. Foxcatcher softens the extreme nature of the real du Pont’s lunacy so as not to make the Schultzes seem like saps for staying at his compound, succumbing to the lure of steady pay and well-appointed training facilities, and the movie plays loosely enough with the timeline to make it best seen as a generalized statement rather than an interpretation of the real case. but on those terms, it’s a powerful simulation of the whirlpool of wealth, and how people sell themselves a little at a time and then suddenly all at once. —Sam Adams (Ritz East)

Part wounded puppy, part attack dog.

TO CATCH A PREDATOR: Steve Carell and Channing Tatum on the mat in Foxcatcher.

Bootleg BoB

➤ For all the good Dylan has done — recre-

ating protest folk in his image, liberating pop lyric writing, re-establishing Vincent Price’s mustache as a tonsorial viability — there’s one thing he pioneered for which he gets little credit: removing the stigma of the bootleg.

Before 1975’s legendary Basement Tapes, Dylan’s archives (and any unreleased demo work, really, from the Beatles, Stones and everyone in his wake) were the stuff of secret sales, white label and makeshift album covers. Now, of course, unreleased demos are part-and-parcel of the holiday box set.

Which brings us to the epic, just-released The Bootleg Series, Vol. 11: The Basement Tapes Complete (Columbia/Legacy), featuring 138 tracks recorded in 1967 by Dylan and The Band in the basement of Big Pink in upstate New York.

Much of the joy that comes from wandering through this sprawling, six-CD set is hearing how chilled and comfortable Dylan was with himself, his spirituality and his songwriting.

In the post-Newport Folk Fest existence, in which the folksy bard was torn down for going electric, his ramshackle confederates in The Band were fellow travelers along the often-existential (“Tears of Rage”) and sometimes-silly (“See You Later, Allen Ginsberg”) road to nowhere. Fans of Dylan’s current obsession with the blues will welcome the dark, dirty rendition of “Blowin’ in the Wind,” the blustery take on “Quinn the Eskimo” (his song for Manfred Mann) and the tenderhearted duet with Richard Manuel on “One Too Many Mornings” (how young they sound!). What does all this have to do with Dylan’s three shows this weekend? Probably nothing. Enjoy the ride, anyway. (@adamorosi) ✚ Fri-Sun., Nov. 21-23, 8 p.m., $54-$139, Academy of Music, 240 S. Broad St., 215-8931999, academyofmusic.org.

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✚ Life After Huffamoose

[ arts & entertainment ]

<<< continued from page 22

I was strumming away, filled with those same joyous feelings. really, but I do get to live in Los Angeles. I moved out here from Philadelphia about 10 years ago with my then 2-year-old daughter, wife and three cats.

We were lured by the warm weather and affordable housing. now, with only one of the original three cats remaining, two newly adopted cats that piss all over everything and not a lot of cash, we are more or less stuck here. That said, we have carved out a pretty sweet life in L.A. We have a nice circle of friends, a lot of them from Philly. We like our daughter’s school and the grocery stores sell booze.

A few years back, while attempting to help teach the “rock band” elective at my daughter’s school, I had a profound musical experience. We were working on “Jessie’s Girl” by rick Springfield. I was filling in on bass. As the students and I were just pulverizing this amazing song, I was welling up with joy and gratitude. Just loving playing this song with these kids super badly.

I’d had that same experience once before, in the early days with Huffamoose, at a bar in manayunk called Casa mexicana. We were rock-

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ing out to the last three chords of our song “James,” over and over and over. These endings could last 20 minutes or more. And, as I was strumming away, I was filled with those same joyous and transcendent feelings.

There’s a connection here. I feel like I’m orbiting depth. but, I’m too tired to land this behemoth.

It’s 2 a.m. on a Saturday night.

I have to wake up in a few hours, crank out a website and get paid so I’ll have a little spending money while I’m in Philly next weekend for the big reunion. I’m looking forward to it, truly I am. Just not quite as much as I’ll be looking forward to seeing my wife, kid and piss-happy cats upon my return. (editorial@citypaper.net) ✚ Huffamoose plays Sun., Nov. 23, 6 p.m., $20-$25, with Jim Boggia, Ben Arnold and The Fractals, Ardmore Music Hall, 23 E. Lancaster Ave., Ardmore, 610-6498389, ardmoremusic.com.

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curtaincall

[ arts & entertainment ]

By David Fox

Rite of way ➤ The facTs are fairly simple — “Frocked, Defrocked, re-frocked!” might headline an article about Frank Schaefer, a methodist minister in eastern Pennsylvania. but, as they say, God is in the details, and they come to life in Curio’s docudrama The Matter of Frank Schaefer, an imperfect but heartfelt and touching exploration of a real-life local incident with a global message.

In 2013, Schaefer was the defendant in a church trial based on a complaint from a parishioner — that the minister had defied church doctrine by presiding over the same-sex marriage of his son, Tim. It probably seemed an uncomplicated case — Schaefer never denied having performed the ceremony — but there were questions. In fact, the marriage had taken place quite a while before, and the motivation for bringing the charge was unclear.

A group of artists from Curio Theatre followed the story. Paul Kuhn, in an appealing performance, plays Schaefer; five additional actors portray the many supporting characters.

For most of us, the “right side” here is a no-brainer, and it’s clear from the start where the writer and

performers’ allegiances lie. Still, to their credit, they at least gesture at presenting both sides, as they include the despairing testimony of the original complainant, who feels deserted in his faith.

Schaefer’s story could hardly be more current — in fact, its happy final outcome, which upholds his reinstatement, occurred less than a month ago. Perhaps this is one reason the production’s final sequence feels rushed. There is some bumpiness throughout, and some of it looked under-rehearsed. but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. For me, The Matter of Frank Schaefer has something more important going for it. It’s a community effort and clearly a labor of love. Ultimately, that shines more powerfully than anything else. (d_fox@citypaper.net) ✚ Through Dec. 6, $25, Curio Theatre Co., 4740 Baltimore Ave., 215-5251350, curiotheatre.org.

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movie

shorts

Films are graded by City PaPer critics a-F.

The Homesman

: New FOXCATCHeR See Sam Adams’ review on p. 23

THe HOmesmAN | B

T

ADOP

ME

GRETEL! 2-4 YEARS OLD

I’m Gretel, a cuddler with a great sense of humor! I’m a 2-4 year old pit bull mix who was found as a stray. I love all people and especially enjoy climbing into laps. Please give me a home!

Tommy Lee Jones has finally found a director who can bring out his best: himself. especially in the early scenes of The Homesman, a feminist Western adapted from the novel by Glendon Swarthout, there’s a lively playfulness we haven’t seen from him in years, and possibly decades. Unfortunately, that lightness evaporates as he and Hillary Swank, a single woman who’s taken up residence in the Nebraska territory, squire three insane women — Grace Gummer, miranda otto and Sonja richter — toward the Iowa border, as the land grows hard and the movie grows harder. Swank, whose marriage proposal is rebuffed by a toothless man who calls her “just plum plain,” lives squarely in her character’s periodappropriate desperation to find a man with whom to settle down, although the failure to explain how she came by her unusual situation, or the significant fortune she seems to hold, leaves the part feeling half-finished — as, eventually, does The Homesman itself. The abrupt turn that starts the final act doesn’t help, effectively undoing what the movie’s built thus far and letting an off-the-shelf action sequence intrude like an unneeded cowboy savior. —Sam Adams (Ritz Five)

: CONTiNuiNg Located on the corner of 2nd and Arch.

All PAWS animals are spayed/neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped before adoption.

For more information, call 215-238-9901 ext. 30 or email adoptions@phillypaws.org

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BiRdmAN | B more tour de force than coup du cinéma, Alejandro

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González Iñárritu’s psychotropic psychodrama spelunks into the soul of a washed-up action star (michael Keaton) attempting to reinvent himself by staging raymond Carver on broadway. Although it shifts time frames and its relationship to reality, the movie, shot by Gravity’s emmanuel Lubezki, gives the appearance of being filmed in a single take. but the cinematography’s the only place where the seams don’t show. It’s clever as all get-out — and thrilling, in a superficial way — but rarely stumbles onto real insight. —SA (Ritz Five)

CiTizeNFOuR | aThe scariest thing this Halloween was edward Snowden swearing in disbelief at the end of Laura Poitras’ gripping, disturbing documentary. Citizenfour, whose core is the now(in)famous meeting between Snowden, Poitras and journalist Glenn Greenwald in a Hong Kong hotel room, offers a limited catharsis through Snowden. Sure, he’s exiled from his own country and branded a traitor by many opposed to his disclosure of information on U.S. surveillance programs, but he’s done what he set out to do. In the last scene, though, Greenwald tells him of another whistle-blower who claims the U.S. has more than a million people on various watch lists, to which Snowden can only respond, “That is fucking ridiculous.” It’s an unforgettable reminder: No matter how jaded we are, there is always something that can shock us.

It’s easy to assume that the government’s ability to collect effectively infinite amounts of information will only harm bad people, but when it’s controlled by the same institution that determines what’s bad, the potential for misuse is equally boundless. We should be afraid, and Poitras’ essential film reminds us why. —SA (Ritz at the Bourse)

Dear white people | B+ The rare college comedy of the nonidiotic variety, writer/director Justin Simien’s debut, Dear White People, isn’t out to revamp racial discourse — it’s content pointing out how ineffectual “real talk” can be when nobody’s really listening. Inspired by his own studies at California’s Chapman University, Simien keys in on a quartet of AfricanAmerican undergrads at fictional Winchester, a snooty school run on old money and leftist self-satisfaction: textbook militant Sam (Tessa Thompson), golden boy Troy (brandon P. bell), introverted writer Lionel (Tyler James Williams) and hopeful Tv star Coco (Teyonah Parris). The offensive on-campus party that brings them together tests their tolerance for bullshit, but they don’t just come out on the other side as enlightened souls.

Instead, they’re each placed in difficult positions complicated by questions of identity and expectation. Dear White People doesn’t offer solutions, but it should spark better conversations.

—Drew Lazor (Wide release)

the equalizer | BIn following up Olympus Has Fallen, easily one of the most ’80s movies of 2013, Antoine Fuqua pricks the decade’s veins again, adapting The Equalizer to suit an audience with no frame of reference. Not that one’s needed: The show, starring edward Woodward as a hardass vigilante haunted by his CIA misgivings, was far from original then, and Fuqua wisely does little to tweak the formula now. Primed and predictable, Denzel Washington is a logical pick for the role of robert mcCall, who ditches his violent black-ops past for a humdrum job at a Lowe’s-like home-improvement chain. but when he catches a whiff of an innocent in serious trouble — call girl Alina (Chloë Grace moretz), a regular at the diner he frequents — he slides back into scales-of-justice mode, and his decision mushroomclouds into a war with the russian mob. Fuqua has always handled action in the most satisfying and unsubtle manner possible, and Washington does well keeping pace — it’s just that you already know the route from start to finish, and there’s never any sense that our hero might fall behind. —DL

Force Majeure | AA freak occurrence puts strain on a marriage in ruben Östlund’s crafty melodrama. Johannes Kuhnke and Lisa Loven Kongsli seem like a happy couple as they embark on a ski trip

with their two children, but a moment of weakness on his part brings their troubles to the surface like a zombie bursting from a shallow grave, turning their vacation into a marital gauntlet.

The subject matter is so familiar as to be mundane, but Östlund stages the couple’s gradual unraveling as a sly comic horror, where once the floodgates have been opened every minor infraction becomes a major issue. It’s painful and darkly hilarious; as the screws tighten, you lose track of whether you’re grinning or wincing.

—SA (Ritz at the Bourse)

Gone Girl | B Pitting diary entries against the ostensibly objective third-person, Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl is all about perspective. Nick, played by ben Affleck in this Flynn-scripted, David Fincher-directed film, sees himself as a man ground down by his wife’s impossibly high expectations; Amy (rosamund Pike) casts herself as the victim of an emotionally and, eventually, physically abusive spouse, who may be responsible for her disappearance, or worse. Fincher’s movie adds a third perspective, or rather an interlinked set of them — the eyes of the world, which are increasingly trained on the media sensation brewing in small-town missouri. In the movie’s first section, Amy is a present absence: a smear of blood not quite erased from a kitchen floor; a voice from a diary’s half-charred pages.

Later — well, that would be telling.

Suffice it to say that Pike excels in a part that’s all but impossible to bring to life. The gap between who you are and who people want you to be is at the heart of Gone Girl, and a slick and sickly heart it is. Where Flynn’s novel was blackly cynical, Fincher’s movie is more wryly bemused — a shift, but not an improvement. marriages are bound by aspiration: We agree to play our better selves, at least until we lose the stamina to keep it up. It’s powerful stuff, but it’s also thin, and Fincher doesn’t do much more than slap on a coat of varnish. —SA (Wide release) interstellar | B real emotion remains something of a black hole for Christopher Nolan, and for much of the three-hour running time of Interstellar, the cerebral director teeters on its event horizon.

The film takes place a generation into the future, after ecological disaster has turned the world into a giant dust bowl. matthew mcConaughey is a former astronaut turned farmer who

discovers that NASA has continued in secret, run by former professor michael Caine, who is working on a long-shot rescue plan for the human race. Nolan has a tendency to get explainy — this is a film, after all, where gripping suspense is mined as much from the ramifications of relativity as from daring spaceship maneuvers.

Ultimately, Interstellar is an epic-scale debate over what it means to be human, as dispassionate reality conflicts with irrational emotion. Nolan ultimately does pass over that aforementioned event horizon, and when he does, the film’s admirable dedication to hard science is crushed into gooey sentiment. but when it succeeds, which it does much of the time, Interstellar is a gripping adventure that’s equal parts ’50s sci-fi thrills, heady 2001 thought experiment and tortured philosophical debate. —Shaun Brady (Wide release)

john wick | B+ more action movies should be directed by stuntmen. If even a few of them turn out as enjoyable as David Leitch and Chad Stahelski’s John Wick, it’ll be a mitzvah for a genre long in need of a little back-to-basics counter-programming. It might seem odd to use the word “sincere” to describe a movie that literally consists of Keanu reeves killing dozens of suited-up schlubs over his dead beagle, but that’s what it is. No high-falutin’ wire work, no egregious CGI, no laughable attempts at a twisty Guy ritchie plot — just an hour and a half of slick ass-kicking. As Wick, a legendary hitman who left the underworld behind for love, reeves isn’t exactly King Lear, but anyone who’s looking for that is in the wrong theater anyway. Leitch, a prolific action veteran, and Stahelski, reeves’ stunt double going all the way back to Point Break, understand what works and what doesn’t, mixing flashy Hong Kong-inspired gunplay with closequarters mmA grappling that leaps off the screen. The stiffs, mini-bosses and big boys Wick works through en route to redemption are sculpted with humor and economy. That might actually be the film’s most valuable trait: Getting you in fast and out satisfied.

—DL (Wide release)

low Down | C For a music predicated on improvisation and spontaneity, movies about jazz tend to play a direly predictable tune. Jeff Preiss, who shot the documentary Let’s Get Lost about heroin-addicted trumpeter Chet baker, directs this biopic about

heroin-addicted pianist Joe Albany, an undersung bebopper who played with legends like Charlie Parker and Lester Young, but whose struggles with addiction left him largely unrecorded during the music’s prime years. John Hawkes plays masterful variations on the subject as a loving father, virtuoso musician and object of a bitter tug-ofwar between those passions and the merciless pull of his drug of choice. The grainy Super 16 mm photography also contributes to establishing the dingy but homey milieu of fleabag crash pads occupied by addicts and musicians, but ultimately this is another tragic tale where Albany’s hands spend more time on a needle than on a keyboard, bolstering cinema’s skewed portrait of a jazz world overcrowded with junkies. based on a memoir by Albany’s daughter Amy-Jo (played by elle Fanning), Low Down depicts the pianist’s life through her eyes, but stumbles heavily whenever it leaves their relationship to peek at other aspects of her coming of age. A friendship with a neighbor (Peter Dinklage), a romance with an epileptic rock drummer (Caleb Landry Jones) or a bitter reunion with her estranged mother (Lena Headey) — all seem uncomfortably crammed into a story that is essentially about a daughter loving her father in between his too-frequent lapses. —SB (Ritz at the Bourse)

niGhtcrawler | ADan Gilroy’s shadow-cloaked debut might just contain Jake Gyllenhaal’s meatiest and most marketable role in years, a performance so eye-opening you’ll find yourself making excuses for some of the film’s flimsier devices.

A hard-driving but directionless petty criminal in L.A., Louis bloom is relentless without having anything to be relentless about, his unblinking discipline pushing him toward a goal he hasn’t yet set. (The autism spectrum is hinted at.) His ambition finds its outlet in “nightcrawling” — risky freelance camera work that places him, and later his stammering street-kid partner (riz Ahmed), in violent and compromising situations. bloom’s footage soon becomes invaluable to struggling Tv producer Nina (rene russo), leading to a complex professional and personal relationship shaped by their shared appetite for control. Unpredictable, unscrupulous and often straightup spooky, Gyllenhaal is so good here that you find yourself rooting for his character — even if the right thing to do is to root for him to be arrested.

—DL (Wide release)

[ movie shorts ]

the theory oF everythinG | C How do you capture the brilliance of someone as incalculable as Stephen Hawking? It’s a hearty challenge for any filmmaker, given the abstract, internal nature of the physicist’s work.

James marsh tries his best to layman-ize the equation with The Theory of Everything, but sticks his digits into a few too many melodramatic mousetraps along the way, creating a string of cringes that overpowers two solid lead performances. based on Hawking’s ex-wife’s 1999 memoir, this version of the story begins at Cambridge, where the young Ph.D. candidate, captured in all his gawky

glory by eddie redmayne, meets his future mate, Jane (Felicity Jones), at a smoky cocktail hour. marsh takes aggressive advantage of an ablebodied Hawking prior to his ALS diagnosis, rushing the smitten couple over romantic footbridges and under Disneyland fireworks displays as if they’re tourists on a tight itinerary. As the disease begins taking control, redmayne dedicates himself to Hawking’s swift physical breakdown, while Jones does well as an honest, loving woman whose patience is tested by extraordinary odds. but there are simply too many moments, from beginning to end, that knock hollow, from Hawking mastering space-time singularity after staring into a swirling cup of tea (ugh) to clichéd marital confrontations that border on painful comedy. both leads deserve the attention they’re getting, even if it does demand some big fat caveats. —DL (Ritz Five)

more

citypaper.net/events

c i t y pa p e r . n e t | N o v e m b e r 2 0 - N o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | p h i l a d e l p h i a c i t y pa p e r |

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events

listings@citypaper.net | noveMber 20 - noveMber 26

[ tell me that life don’t weigh a goddamn ton ]

HELL ON WHEELS: Daniel Lanois plays World Café Live on Thursday.

Margaret Marissen

Events is our selective guide to what’s going on in the city this week. For comprehensive event listings, visit citypaper.net/events. iF yoU Want to be listed: Submit information by email (listings@ citypaper.net) or enter it yourself at citypaper.net/submit-event with the following details: date, time, address of venue, telephone number and admission price. Incomplete submissions will not be considered, and listings information will not be accepted over the phone.

11.20 thursday [ dance ]

Soledad Barrio & Noche FlameNca $30-$75 | Thu.-Sat., Nov. 20-22, Annenberg Center, 3680 Walnut St., 215-898-3900, annenbergcenter.org. noche Flamenca’s full-length Antigona, based on Sophocles’ ancient Greek heroine, puts an intense accent on flamenco’s inherent passion and emotion.

28 | P h i l a d e l P h i a C i t y Pa P e r |

Star Soledad barrio is a master of both bravado and nuance, and her company unfurls a fierce display of expressive rhythms while offering a creative interpretation of an ancient story about pride, courage and loss. —Deni Kasrel

[ theater ]

Qed

$22-$45 | Through Dec. 14, Lantern Theater Company at St. Stephen’s Theater, 923 Ludlow St., 215-829-0395, lanterntheater.org.

Any occasion to see Peter DeLaurier on stage is worthwhile, but Lantern Theater does a special favor by reprising Peter Parnell’s delightful QED, a 2006 hit. DeLaurier plays richard Feynman (1918-1988), the nobel Prize-winning physicist, author and inspiration in this new production directed by m.

Craig Getting. QED captures how Feynman popularized and humanized topics like quantum mechanics, particle physics and nanotechnology. —Mark Cofta

[ rock/pop ]

daNiel laNoiS $25-$30 | Thu., Nov. 20, 8 p.m., with Lonnie Holley, World Café Live, 3025 Walnut St., 215-222-1400, philly.worldcafelive.com.

Daniel Lanois’ name is most often found on back covers, though that doesn’t make him any less influential an artist. As producer of landmark albums like Peter Gabriel’s So and U2’s The Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby, Lanois established an instantly identifiable sound: cavernous, live, drenched in reverb. His own work, as on the new Flesh and Machine (Anti-), retains the atmospherics while surgically removing the pop songs, leaving rich, active ambience influenced by mentor brian eno. —Shaun Brady

and E-Hos, Trocadero, 1003 Arch St., 215-922-6888, thetroc.com.

Georgia producer/mC bobby ray Simmons is thoroughly mainstream but he has his oddball moments. For instance, he’s known for reaching outside hip-hop for unlikely collaborators: Taylor Swift, Weezer’s rivers Cuomo and, on the introduction to 2012’s Strange Clouds, morgan Freeman. Since scoring his first handful of hits on his 2010 debut, he’s become slightly less toddler-friendly and gravitated toward club bangers. —Sam Fox

11.21 friday

[ hip-hop ]

[ rap ]

B.o.B.

G-UNit

$29.50-$32 | Thu., Nov. 20, 8:30 p.m., with Kevin Gates, Ace Porter

n o v e m b e r 2 0 - n o v e m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 1 4 | C i t y Pa P e r . n e t

$61.45 | Fri., Nov. 21, 8:30 p.m., Electric Factory, 421 N. Seventh St.,

215-627-1332, electricfactory.info.

50 Cent doesn’t need the money, though his fellow Gs (Tony Yayo, Lloyd banks, Young buck and newbie Kidd Kidd) clearly do. Whether this reconciliation will last remains to be seen, but word is 50 will release his second full-length of the year in December, and the G-Unit album is surely on the way. I don’t begrudge them a cent of it. —Dotun Akintoye

[ rap ]

YiNG YaNG twiNS $28 | Fri., Nov. 21, 9 p.m., District N9ne, 460 N. Ninth St., 215-7692780, districtn9ne.com.

D-roc and Kaine reasserted the trashy, tasteless, club-party track while their ostensibly more sophisticated northern brethren were too busy with arms folded and heads bobbing doing rhyme-by-rhyme exegesis. There may never be a come-on cum song like “Wait

(The Whisper Song)” on the radio again, nor will anyone else ever give you cause to ponder Snow White twerking.

—Dotun Akintoye

11.22 saturday

[ pop science ]

adam SavaGe & Jamie hYNemaN BehiNd the mYthS toUr $49-$69 | Sat., Nov. 22, 2 and 8 p.m., Merriam Theater, 250 S. Broad St., 215-893-1999, kimmelcenter.org.

Special effects experts and cohosts of the emmy-nominated Discovery series MythBusters, Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will be conducting on-stage experiments, drawing participants from the audience and telling behind-the-scenes stories. These are the guys who proved it’s possible to polish a

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foodanddrink

pintsighs CAroLINe ruSSoCK

Caroline Russock on dive bars

➤ Editor’s Note: Pint Sighs is a new column where

we seek out the good, the bad and the dicey of Philly’s neighborhood dives.

Dinic’S Tavern | 1528 Snyder Ave., 215-336-2333

Smoking: Yes Jukebox: Digital and well used Bathrooms: Dodgy but they’ll do in a pinch; plus for doors that lock and toilet paper Head count/ Tab: Three people, $38 before tip: Two Heinekens, three Genesee Cream Ales, three Miller High Lifes, three Michelangelo shots ➤ “This is an old-man bar, guys. We don’t have anything fancy here.” With a greeting like that from the bartender,we knew we’d made the right call kicking off Pint Sighs at this hazy West Passyunk barroom.

The outside signage advertises roast beef and pork, making it easy to confuse this place with the Reading Terminal stand. There are no sandwiches at this Dinic’s. There are plenty of regulars, no one under 25 and a bartender who makes for a memorable night — at least up until your fourth drink.

We considered starting off with a few forties of Old Milwaukee, but ended up going with some Heinekens. The bartender asked us if we wanted to do a shot. “What do you guys drink?” she asked.

Being good sports and none too picky, our reply of “everything” was met with more questions and a consultation from a former Dinic’s bartender who was holding court at the end of the bar. My date, who is a big fan of the dealer’s choice shot, told her he was trying to get lucky tonight — pretty much a surefire way to get served something hilarious.

A few minutes later we got two rocks glasses spilling over with a bright yellow mix of what (I think) was tequila, rum, pineapple and sour mix.

The bartender told us that she’d taken an art class earlier that day and dubbed it “the Michelangelo,” saying that she was feeling inspired.

After the Michelangelos the rest of the night was kind of a blur with a few more beers, lots of Pointer Sisters on the jukebox and an earnest pickup attempt made via bubble gum shots. (caroline@citypaper.net)

EvErything or Plain? Bagels by the dozen at Knead.

Maria pouchnikova

[ wake and bake ]

Holey RolleRs A handmade bagel renaissance is underway in Philadelphia. By Caroline Russock

S

haped to celebrate a victorious king’s stirrup, a gift for women after birthing a child or a Polish Lenten bread, there are plenty of stories about the beginnings of everyone’s favorite cream-cheese companion, the bagel. but up until very recently, there weren’t all that many good bagels being rolled, boiled and baked in Philadelphia.

Last week, husband and wife duo Adam and Cheri Willner opened the doors to their newly minted, new wave bagel shop, Knead bagels (725 Walnut St.).

They met while working at rittenhouse bYo matyson, where Adam became brunch czar.. bagels were one of the first things he put on the menu.

“The first thing I think about when planning a menu is what do I want to eat and I’ve always been a big bagel fan,” Adam says.

He had little baking experience, but he tackled bagel-making head-on.

“A lot of my baking background is self-taught,” he says. “A lot of reading and trial and error and research, developing and understanding what makes good bagels and trying to recreate that.”

With a bagel-baking formula worked out, he soon had bagels — a plain, an everything and a rotating special — on matyson’s brunch menu every weekend.

The Willners began thinking about opening their own bagel shop about the same time they decided to have a baby. “We didn’t want to do late nights anymore,” Cheri explains. “With restaurants, you get home at 1 or 2 in the morning. We decided to switch so we can do early mornings, be home for dinner and spend time with our son. He just turned 1 in october.”

When Cheri was pregnant, she made regular visits to her obstetrician’s office at the Penn building at Sixth and Walnut, and she’d walk past a floundering coffee shop — where Knead is today.

“We just kept seeing the space and this was it. This was the spot,” Cheri says.

Their selection of serious bagels includes both the traditional and non. You can get an egg and cheese on a crisp-chewy poppyseed bagel (don’t ask for ketchup, though, there’s a strict no-Heinz policy) or a toasted garlic bagel with cream cheese. but why stop there when you see their nontraditional offerings? The menu is ripe with nods to their tasting-menu days at matyson, with a black sesame-studded bagel smeared with kimchi cream cheese and a fennel-and-sea-salt bagel finished with a

Read moRe citypaper.net/ mealticket

>>> continued on page 34

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jonesin’

let’sgetiton

By Matt Jones

A weekly column on sex of all stripes.

By Rachel Kramer Bussel

Don’t tell me hoW to get pleasure

“stop eating in the past” — Dine for toDay!

✚ across 1 6 10 14 15 16 17 19 20 21 22 24 27 30 31 32 33 37 38 39 40 45 46 47 48 50 54 55 56

Food Network celeb ___ de Laurentiis Crow’s nest site Newport or Salem “Jeez!”

Choir voice Interview with the Vampire author Rice Can that landed on your head before serving?

Hamelin invaders Curtis of Joy Division Underwater eggs FarmVille choice Sue of many alphabet mysteries Unwise Like sashimi Cardinal point?

Michael of SNL Bird that can’t play with his friends for a week?

Musk of Tesla Motors Perfume label word “___, poor Yorick!”

Spice that’s been messed with?

Boat with two goats Ratatouille chef Hawaiian vacation souvenir “Good heavens!”

Denounce 1970 hit by The Kinks Forest fluid 2016 Olympics host

57 59 63 64 65 66 67 68

“But ___, there’s more!”

Seafood that got promoted in checkers?

Alan of The Blacklist Falco of Nurse Jackie Rainforest or tundra Projectionist’s spool They get connected “Sk8er Boi” singer Lavigne

✚ DoWn 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 18 23 25 26 27 28 29 31 33

Shoot for the moon “___ what you’re saying” Appliance manufacturer The Da Vinci Code author Brown Ending after hex, pent or oct Fictional lawyer Perry ___ vera Early bandmate of John, Paul, and George Last part of a paint job “Deck the Halls” is one Having some trouble Boom sticks “Affirmative” Go down at sea Device for streaming Netflix “Down in ___!”

T, to Socrates At the end of your rope Gather wool Attention-getting shouts Like snake eyes Magnificence

✚ ©2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)

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Climbing danger Considers (to be) Speedy Dutch town known for its cheese Exam without paper Piled up the leaves again after the wind got them Get hitched on the fly Ballpoint, for example Cereal in a blue box Hamster homes “File not found,” e.g.

It’s known for its Heat Dynamite inventor Alfred Fit of temper Classic U2 album Draft served near darts Bride’s words Letters before a company name LII x II

last Week’s solution

➤ EarliEr this yEar, French GQ sex columnist maïa mazaurette told The Cut, a New York magazine site that focuses on fashion, culture and beauty, that in her country, “It is extremely weird to have just a blowjob. Why would I do that? I don’t have pleasure in my mouth.”

Her comment stayed with me because, to put it bluntly, I do get pleasure in my mouth when I give blowjobs, so much so that some lovers have accused me of preferring bJs over intercourse. blowjobs turn me on like nothing else, not in a selfless way, but with actual, physical results.

Yet, like mazaurette, I’m troubled by the assumption that women want to give head and expect nothing in return, and that cultural conversations about oral sex assume rigid gender roles. In truth, plenty of men enjoy giving bJs and women/genderqueer people like getting them.

So I turned to raul Queue, a gay male HIv educator and social-media strategist, to get his perspective.

“They actually shouldn’t be called blowjobs, they should be called blowjoys. For a lot of gay men, head is expected with no questions asked, upon first meeting,” he explains. “At the end of a date or hangout, someone’s cock will end up in someone’s mouth. I don’t see that in straight relationships.”

The pleasure, Queue says, ranges from “the taste of salty, sweaty skin on your tongue” to “the forcefulness of his grip on your head, and guttural groans. There’s something about having a man’s most prized possession in the palm of your hands or just so close to your teeth, plus the vulnerability he allows you — all while he thinks you’re the one submitting to him.” but head-givers need to be aware of the sexually transmitted infections you can acquire. Queue recommends you “know your risk spectrum and risk-reduction strategies — such as no flossing or brushing your teeth immediately before or after.

If you’re sucking casual dick on the regular, make sure to get tested every three months. Ask your sexual-health clinician for a throat swab test for gonorrhea and chlamydia.”

Queue’s advice for giving a bJ your partner will remember? “Whether it’s your first time or your 500th, if you don’t feel you know what you’re doing, don’t be afraid to ask his guidance. He knows what makes his dick feel good. While most men want to look like experts to save face, it won’t hurt your pride to listen to his advice about his body.”

[ crossword ]

Sophie Delancey, whose business is blowjobs, as a performer and director/vice president of TheArtofblowjob.com, says she finds arousal in giving another person pleasure. “empathy can be an incredible aphrodisiac. The mind is a sexual organ, too. being responsible for someone else’s arousal and orgasm is a very erotic kind of power, and using that to tease and play is really hot,” she says.

I’ve been in several situations in which my love of giving head was eagerly appreciated in the moment, but afterward was

rAul Queue

turned against me. Somehow, to these dates, it meant I couldn’t be a good girlfriend. This kind of slut-shaming is part of the disturbing messages women receive: be good at sex, but don’t be too eager or knowledgeable.

Heaven forbid!

Queue says the opposite is true in the gay community, but “sometimes there’s a level of selfshame in the more traditionalminded gay men after they hook up or suck cock on the first date.” maybe us bJ-giving fans are misunderstood because others think they, too, will be expected to revel in every inch of man meat that enters their mouth.

Trust me: I have no vested interest in what anyone else does in bed. If bJ’s aren’t your bag, focus on what does turn you on. but don’t tell me how to get off. ✚ Rachel Kramer Bussel is the author

of the essay collection Sex & Cupcakes and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, most recently Hungry for more and The big book of Submission. She tweets @raquelita.

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[ i love you, i hate you ] 22

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to place your free ad (100 word limit) ➤ email lovehate@citypaper.net A SMIRKING SIGN I hope you are mr. Anonymous and not mrs. or ms. If so, I probably don’t know you, so we’re just making this up as we go along, thinking about other people and other realities, writing this to each other. I have no illusions about those people who have disappeared from my life in any real physical sense. Sure that if they wanted me around, they’d be there too.

Heartbreaking in a way, but it’s better to realize who your true friends and loves are than shadows of the past that are not reliable or dependable in any form.

So, that being said...maybe you make me cry...or maybe it’s someone else I’m thinking about, mistakenly thinking he’s writing these words, thinking how I am ever going to let him go, thinking this is crazy retarded. I figure I’m just keeping my dopamine levels up anyway...all this romantic nonsense has its way with my synapses.

more I cried. Why would you put me through so much pain? After eight years, why would another woman be the mother of your first child? All the while, you were still in my life, giving me everything I craved from you, knowing you had a secret that could crush me, and it did. I tried to move on. You tried to make your situation “right”. Now today my prayers were answered. You came back...but just long enough for me to find out you never changed at all. I hope you’re teaching your son better, because if this is all our future men and husbands have to look up to, there are

7 DAYS a WEEK NOON til MIDNIGHT

AAAHHH THE MOOD SWINGS Did you know you cause them? Did you know that if our “relationship” were based on “something else” than “this” there wouldn’t be any? or maybe there would be. maybe your roaming dick would cause them. Do you get charged for that? or maybe your forked snake tongue. How many lies do you tell a day to me? or maybe your patronizing. Perhaps you should visit a shelter? or maybe we’d be happy and I’d love to please you and you’d love to please me in return. but we’ll never know that, will we? because your stubborn lying ass doesn’t care! Great idea!

Take your heart and shove it, it ain’t workin’ here no more! I’m sure you’d treat someone else differently... so get to it...Love Her! In reAL LIFe! I hope you make babies and get married and grow old and when you die the last thing you’ll think about is me and you’ll say my name and guess what? You’ll regret!

And then you’ll know what a fool you were and are because you gave away the sweetest, smartest, most faithful and devoted girl who loved you like nobody’s business. but what does that count for these days anyway? Absolutely NoTHING!

COUNTING THE WAYS Damn, seems like yesterday when I was coming in the store and seeing you behind the counter working very diligently and me saying to myself damn I wonder about this guy is he a good guy and would he treat me the way that I wanted to be treated and when you and I were down in the lobby hugging you said that you loved me..then you said I wasn’t supposed to know that....well now I know how you feel and it will not be no doubt how far this should and will go! Signed your lover girl!

DO YOU HATE/LOVE ME? We met so long ago. I didn’t want to give you the time of day. Then we were all of a sudden in love. Never a day went by without us seeing each other, cuddling together, laughing together. Just enjoying each other every moment we could. Just as fast as we fell in love, we fell apart. outside influences got the best of you. maybe you started to think you could do better.

I know there’s not another female in this world that could love you more than me. The more I tried, the

are, 5 mins later you took a break from raping baby badgers by swerving again to gain another 20 feet on the roadway, nearly forcing some poor guy off the road. Completing the image, you then proceeded to slow down to sub-cripple speeds and ogle a traffic accident on the other side of the highway which, apart from getting your deserving ass crushed by a tree in a flamingly hilarious roadside car crash, is the best way to shit up traffic patterns for miles. All in all, I hope your family and loved ones all contract the hiv, and you slowly die of bowel cancer. And when you

BRING IN THIS AD AND GET A FREE T SHIRT WITH YOUR TATTOO 621 SOUTH 4TH STREET PHILADELPHIA. PA 19147

(215) 922-7384 «VL ][ WV .IKMJWWS"

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I’m one of them.

shit yourself uncontrollably on your deathbed, it’s oK that you know that you deserve much worse.

EAT SHIT

FRUSTRATION!

Thanks for your amazing dickhole driving skills! I was maybe 15 car lengths in front of you with my signal on before merging left to let in the onramp traffic, so I’m not sure how you couldn’t comprehend that it wasn’t an affront to your overbearing testicular fortitude to switch into your lane. It was really neat watching the comical signal-less jerk into the right lane to gun it, cutting off all incoming traffic, and gun it in front of me. In case there was any doubt to how painfully inflamed your testicles

I am really sick and tired of people lying and telling me one thing and doing another thing! I really am sick of people pretending to be someone that they aren’t! And I am really tired of people minding other people’s business when things don’t have anything to do with you! Who the fuck cares what the other person is doing if it doesn’t have anything to do with you? I am tired of your sneaky-ass sneaking around telling on me and everyone else! Why don’t you ask your old-ass husband for some dick! Why not it will

not hurt! maybe that shit will change your personality a little! People are really over all of your shit!

EAT MY PUSSY ALREADY I thought your inexperience was hot, and I didn’t mind that you couldn’t keep it up. What I did mind, however, was the fact that you got all embarrassed, panicked, ushered me out of your apartment, and never returned my call. Instead, you could have been eating my pussy and giving me multiple orgasms!

Get over it! There’s no shame in admitting you want to learn more! Fucking call me and I’ll show you everything I know. Here’s your first lesson: The clit is on the outside! Now do your homework and show me what you learned.

FTB Your old ass watches porn then to have sex with me (9 days after YoU begged me to come back) but you took it to the next level. Your addiction has you wanting to make CoNTACT with live web cam girls!!

Cheating pervert! I can have any guy, im always horny, wet and ready, plus im great at it! I love cock..mm mmm.. oh anyways..Your dirty dick and computer have a great life! Im glad to be rid of your cheating abusive ass after this! Thanks for making an honest woman out of me! I pity the FooL!

I DO LOVE YOU So after 4 years of living here and the bumps we had along the way, I need to tell you just how happy and how so in love with you I am and how much I enjoy US. Saying goodbye to corporate saved us and also made US so much better than I ever thought we could be. Co-dependency can be very cool. I miss you when you travel and I hate sleeping alone but everyday is a new adventure and that is fucking awesome!

I HATE YOU I hate you because you crossed the inner circle of trust amongst friends. I hate these friends that participated in a whirlwind of deceit, heartbreak and sabotage. Friendships and a love for over 15 years left to shambles by a deceitful setup by the ‘best’ man from my wedding and his wife to the trashy sisterin-law who was dumped twice, pushing 40 and dug her desperate claws into a heartbroken man of 31 years old without a clear thought to his head at that moment in time. Professing his love to me a week before he moved out, then the following weekend my so-called friends who I asked to look after my husband while we tried to sort things out set him up with a desperate tramp (whom I’ve also know for 15 plus years). Always be prepared to be stabbed in the back by those closest to you. Things could change on a dime at any second. This was my husband of four and a half years, but my partner for 14 years.

Disregarded for a piece of trailer trash. Let go with no communication, just utter disrespect for the years I’ve invested into a person who seemingly now disgusts me. Let this be a lesson to those who think they have a great guy... do you really? ✚ ADS ALSo APPeAr AT CITYPAPer.NeT/lovehate. City Paper has the right to re-publish “I Love You, I Hate You”™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes re-purposing the ads for online publication, or for any other ancillary publishing projects.

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