Philadelphia City Paper, December 5th, 2013 by Philadelphia City Paper

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Publisher Nancy Stuski Editor in Chief Lillian Swanson Senior Editor Patrick Rapa Arts Editor/Copy Chief Emily Guendelsberger Digital Media Editor/Movies Editor Paulina Reso Food Editor/Listings Editor Caroline Russock Senior Staff Writer Daniel Denvir Staff Writer Ryan Briggs Copy Editor Carolyn Wyman Associate Web Producer Carly Szkaradnik Contributors Sam Adams, Dotun Akintoye, A.D. Amorosi, Rodney Anonymous, Mary Armstrong, Meg Augustin, Bryan Bierman, Shaun Brady, Peter Burwasser, Mark Cofta, Alison Dell, Adam Erace, David Anthony Fox, Caitlin Goodman, K. Ross Hoffman, Deni Kasrel, Alli Katz, Gary M. Kramer, Drew Lazor, Gair â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dev 79â&#x20AC;? Marking, Robert McCormick, Andrew Milner, Annette Monnier, John Morrison, Michael Pelusi, Sameer Rao, Elliott Sharp, Marc Snitzer, Tom Tomorrow, John Vettese, Nikki Volpicelli, Brian Wilensky Editorial Interns John Corrigan, Taylor Farnsworth, Melvin Hayes, Sara Patterson, Brooks Phelps, Julie Zeglen Production Director Michael Polimeno Editorial Art Director Reseca Peskin Senior Designer Evan M. Lopez Editorial Designers Brenna Adams, Jenni Betz Staff Photographer Neal Santos Contributing Photographers Jessica Kourkounis, Mark Stehle Contributing Illustrators Ryan Casey, Don Haring Jr., Joel Kimmel, Cameron K. Lewis, Thomas Pitilli, Matthew Smith Human Resources Ron Scully (ext. 210) Circulation Director Mark Burkert (ext. 239) Sales & Marketing Manager Katherine Siravo (ext. 251) Account Managers Colette Alexandre (ext. 250), Nick Cavanaugh (ext. 260), Amanda Gambier (ext. 228), Sharon MacWilliams (ext. 262), Megan Musser (ext. 215), Stephan Sitzai (ext. 258) Office Coordinator/Adult Advertising Sales Alexis Pierce (ext. 234) Founder & Editor Emeritus Bruce Schimmel citypaper.net 30 South 15th Street, Fourteenth Floor, Phila., PA 19102. 215-735-8444, Tip Line 215-735-8444 ext. 241, Listings Fax 215-875-1800, Advertising Fax 215-735-8535, Subscriptions 215-735-8444 ext. 235 Philadelphia City Paper is published and distributed every Thursday in Philadelphia, Montgomery, Chester, Bucks & Delaware Counties, in South Jersey and in Northern Delaware. Philadelphia City Paper is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. Additional copies may be purchased from our main office at $1 per copy. No person may, without prior written permission from Philadelphia City Paper, take more than one copy of each issue. Pennsylvania law prohibits any person from inserting printed material of any kind into any newspaper without the consent of the owner or publisher. Contents copyright ÂŠ 2013, Philadelphia City Paper. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Philadelphia City Paper assumes no obligation (other than cancellation of charges for actual space occupied) for accidental errors in advertising, but will be glad to furnish a signed letter to the buying public.

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Does â&#x20AC;&#x153;Elfâ&#x20AC;? have â&#x20AC;&#x153;A Wonderful Life?â&#x20AC;?

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Agenda........................................................................................29 Food ..............................................................................................34 ON THE COVER: CHRISTOPHER SUTTON AS BUDDY IN ELF AT WALNUT STREET THEATRE. PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK GARVIN COVER ILLUSTRATION BY EVAN M. LOPEZ DESIGN BY RESECA PESKIN

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naked

the

city

thebellcurve CP’s Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ + 1]

The Philadelphia Parking Authority announces that Saturday parking downtown is free in December. “For only one car. And the lone victor, bathed in riches, shall serve as a reminder of our generosity and our forgiveness.”

[ - 3]

A viral video shows Christmas shoppers fighting, one of them using a stun gun, at Franklin Mills on Black Friday. “Best birthday present ever,” says little baby Jesus. “World Star!”

[ - 1]

Delays at the Dilworth Plaza construction site were caused, in part, by the discovery of old pipes and concrete staircases. And, under that, a colony of tiny Occupy Philly molepeople.“Mic check?” cries one, weakly squinting into the sun for the first time in over a year.“Mic check,” his friends reply from the shadows behind him.

GOING UP: The state Department of Corrections is building a $400 million prison complex adjacent to Graterford that will have a capacity of 4,100 inmates. COURTESY THE PHOENIX REPORTER & ITEM

[0 ]

[ 2] [ - 2]

[ + 1]

Schools, businesses and the state legislature close in Pennsylvania for the opening of rifle deer season. Ha, ha, you backwoods redneck hicks. Don’t you know guns are for shooting people? Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar in South Philly celebrates 75 years. Ruben Amaro Jr. offers it a five-year contract. The Sixers announce they will retire Allen Iverson’s number at a game in March. Actually, everybody assumed the number was already retired, but then it popped up again like, “Remember me? I’m still a viable number.” Anyway, this should be the end of it — oh wait. The number just went to Turkey for some reason. More on this as it develops. Tanks and other below-deck pieces of the SS United States are being cleared out to make the ship more attractive to potential buyers as well as to pay for its $50,000-$60,000 monthly maintenance costs. They plan to continue in this fashion until the ship is so small it no longer needs saving.

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[ prisons ]

PHOENIX RISING, BUT NUMBERS DON’T FLY Newly released documents raise questions about the projected cost savings of a new prison complex, called SCI-Phoenix, to replace the aging Graterford prison. By Daniel Denvir he state Department of Corrections is constructing a $400 million, two-prison complex to replace the aging State Correctional Institution at Graterford, but newly released cost analyses fail to show the projected savings that Gov. Tom Corbett’s administration has claimed. The administration, under fire for allocating money for prisons while public school districts struggle under severe financial pressures, has insisted that the new SCI-Phoenix prisons will save money in the long run, thanks to $33 million in operational efficiencies and the avoidance of between $50 to $60 million in repairs to Graterford once it is closed. But two documents recently released by the Department of Corrections (DOC) indicate that the projected savings are based on an analysis, purportedly using data from 2007, that is superficial, unclearly sourced and woefully out of date. The agency now admits that the projected savings from the Phoenix

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prisons project are uncertain: Questioned about the documents, DOC spokesperson Susan Bensinger told City Paper in November that savings from “more efficient utilities,” “slightly smaller staff costs” and “not repairing or upgrading the existing facility … are not sufficient to pay for the construction costs of Phoenix.” The DOC maintains that these two documents, spreadsheets labeled “construction analysis,” were the only cost-benefit studies of the project ever performed. They include more than $33 million in annual savings — not from operational costs as previously stated, but mostly from the closure of a second state prison, SCIGreensburg, and the rehousing of its prisoners at SCI-Phoenix. However, SCI-Greensburg was closed earlier this year and its prisoners were relocated elsewhere. Bensinger now says that there must be additional “facility reductions” — presumably the closing of a second state prison alongside Graterford, but the DOC declined to elaborate — to make up for the cost of the Phoenix construction. But most of Phoenix’s beds will likely be occupied by the inmates moved out of Graterford, since that prison’s population stands at 4,017 — an increase of 33 percent since January 2007. The two new Phoenix prisons, being built near Graterford, have a projected capacity of 4,100 inmates. Members of Decarcerate PA, the prison-reform group that obtained the documents through a Right to Know request, alleges

The data is woefully out of date.

>>> continued on page 10

[ is looking through documents ] [ a million stories ]

✚ HOME REPO The rowhome at 1342 S. 16th St. in Point Breeze embodies Philadelphia’s problems with blight. Boarded up and encrust-

ed with “We Buy Houses” signs, it’s an eyesore that defies the improving fortunes of the neighborhood. The structure’s owners are nowhere to be seen. But this troubled building is not long for this world, thanks to a pioneering nonprofit that has become a citywide role model for using a state law, Act 135, to take possession of chronically blighted properties — and a new bill in Harrisburg wants to build on that success. Scioli Turco, a South Philly-based 501(c)4, is one of only a handful of organizations in the state to successfully take advantage of Act 135, also known as the “conservatorship law.” This 16th Street row house would be the 10th property Scioli Turco has successfully assumed control of since it was founded in 2010. Nine other properties have already been redeveloped, including the rotting Scioli Turco VFW Post in Bella Vista that lent the nonprofit its name. “[The VFW post] had been boarded up and was in pretty bad shape. … I started trying to approach the national VFW organization and they said, ‘We don’t own it,’ and all of the trustees had passed away,” said Scioli Turco CEO Joel Palmer, recalling the group’s inception. “My attorney and I filed an Act 135 conservancy with the building.” The law, enacted by the state legislature in 2009, works like this: Neighbors and nonprofits can petition a judge and argue

that they should become the court-appointed “conservator” of a

blighted structure. If, after a four-month grace period, the judge rules that the property meets certain criteria, including a lack of owner activity and obvious structural problems, the conservator gets control of the property. If the property gets redeveloped and sold, the conservator gets back construction costs plus a 20 percent “award,” while any remaining profits compensate the former owner. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work. But Palmer says owners often realize that they’re on the verge of losing their long-neglected property and can tie up the process for a year or more. So, while Act 135 was designed with local civic organizations in mind, it has so far proven too risky for many of those groups. Palmer, who is also an active member of a Bella Vista civic association, believes he was simply well positioned to take advantage of the law — he’s been responsible for roughly half of the 50 petitions filed in Philadelphia to date. “I was semi-retired when we started, so I had the time to do it. I had financial backing, so we were self-funded, and we also had an attorney who is an expert on this law and has done most of the cases in Philadelphia,” said Palmer, who added that his connections with local contractors were invaluable. “We have a team of people who together can do this. For anyone else to do this would be a daunting exercise.” State Rep. John Taylor, the architect of Pennsylvania’s conservator laws, recognized that while there have been some success stories, there just aren’t enough of them.

Act 135 helps reclaim blighted properties.

>>> continued on page 12

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CLEAN AND NEAT: Sutie Madison, founder and director of Band of Artists, rehearses a dance performance about obssessive-compulsive disorder and addiction. The dance troupe uses the tics and twitches common to Tourette Syndrome, as well as influences from commonly associated disorders, as a foundation for its choreography. This rehearsal, for a spring performance, took place at Mascher Space Co-op. GARY FULK

citybeat By Sam Seifman

PRAYERS FOR AIDS RELIEF ➤ PHILADELPHIA GOT A JUMP on World AIDS

Day 2013 with a prayer breakfast held on Saturday for about 200 people in a ballroom of the Radisson Blu Warwick Hotel. The talk was about efforts to battle the disease, the fight to preserve Obamacare and the lingering need for acceptance among those who suffer from HIV/AIDS. Philadelphia Field Initiating Group for HIV Trials (FIGHT) piggybacked on the world event on Sunday, hosting the fifth annual breakfast featuring sermonlike speeches, prayers, music and another kind of sustenance — a free meal of scrambled eggs, sausage and roasted potatoes. “If we fight against AIDS, we must fight against ignorance,” said the Rev. Dr. J. Louis Felton in his keynote speech. “If we are ever going to heal anybody, we must accept the virus as our own.” Worldwide, 34 million people have human immunodeficiency virus or acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. The Philly organization’s goal is to help the more than 11,500 people living with AIDS in the city. FIGHT provides primary care services (often for free if patients don’t have medical insurance), AIDS research, advocacy and education. In that spirit, this event was about acceptance of all those with HIV/AIDS.The organization’s executive director, Jane Shull, spoke of embracing lesbians, gay men and transgendered people who felt abandoned by their communities and religious organizations. “If the church turns them away,” Shull said, “they feel that God has turned them away.” “I always say AIDS is an equal-opportunity offender,” Bishop Ernest McNear, FIGHT vice president, said. “Although it’s the poor, women, children and the disenfranchised who are the most affected.” Felton preached that the nation was ignoring the most disadvantaged. His voice rising, he said there was a need to fight for Obamacare and to combat racism and classism in the health-care system. To treat HIV/AIDS, he said, the country should provide care to those who can’t afford it. “We cannot call ourselves Philadelphia FIGHT and not fight for health care,” he said, to loud cheers and clapping. McNear said the prayer breakfasts would likely continue. “We’re going to keep doing this,” he said, “until this disease is gone and we don’t have to do this anymore.” (editorial@citypaper.net)

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✚ Phoenix Rising, But Numbers Don’t Fly

[ the naked city ]

<<< continued from page 6

the DOC has misled the public. “They’re definitely misleading people about the costs of this prison expansion,” says Decarcerate member Owen Lyman-Schmidt. “We have to ask: If they’re not building these prisons to save us money, as they claim, why are they building them?” Graterford was built in 1929 in western Montgomery County, where suburban sprawl in recent years has devoured the farmland around Skippack Township. The Phoenix prison construction was approved in 2008 under Gov. Ed Rendell’s administration and, according to the DOC, the documents were prepared by the department’s Bureau of Administration and shared with Rendell’s Secretary of Corrections and the Budget Office. Ground was broken under Corbett. Corrections Secretary John Wetzel, appointed with a mandate to cut costs, told the Inquirer in June that his “first instinct was to pull the plug. … My assumption was we were not going to build this.” Indeed, Wetzel has cancelled the construction of one prison and closed two others, and says that he shares Decarcerate’s goal of downsizing the state’s bloated prison population. But Wetzel says that cost savings convinced him to stick with the Phoenix project. Some savings would come from avoiding $50 to $60 million in repairs to Graterford. But while the DOC says that all capital projects at the old prison have been put on hold, the current capital budget reflects $7 million in renovations to Graterford. Indeed, Decarcerate questions whether Graterford will actually be “replaced”: The DOC has not decided whether to demolish the prison or mothball it for potential reuse. In June, the DOC told City Paper that mothballing the prison would cost $5 million annually, but spokesperson Bensinger now says it “will not remotely cost” as much “since we have local staff to maintain security and emergency maintenance.” The DOC also has made contradictory statements about whether the cost of maintaining Graterford was included in their cost-benefit analysis. The DOC earlier told City Paper that spending $5 million a year to mothball Graterford “was taken into consideration” as part of the projected $33 million in annual operational savings; the agency now says that “any utility cost for Graterford is not included in the cost analysis.” Some of Phoenix’s projected savings appear to derive from reduced projected staff-to-prisoner ratios at the new prisons, ranging between 32 and 34 percent below those at Graterford. But the DOC has also said that the new prisons will operate with a similar ratio of staff and inmates. There are other aspects of the analyses that appear to be unreliable. The cost of Graterford and projected cost of the new prison (the latter purportedly based on the combined cost, adjusted for some personnel and utility 10 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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differences, of two other prisons) do not match DOC records. And the DOC tells City Paper that it cannot explain how, or from what source, the figures were derived. The cost of borrowing money to pay for the project is also unclear — the DOC declined to disclose the interest rate secured. In February, Wetzel told the state House Judiciary Committee’s Subcommittee on Crime and Corrections, “We can provide you with the cost-benefit analysis. … The numbers will speak for themselves.” But that analysis was not made public, despite activists’ repeated requests. And when the documents were finally released, they did not provide a source for the monetary figures they contained. In August, the DOC denied a Right to Know request from

A rendering of SCI-Phoenix.

Decarcerate PA, saying that documents were privileged. But the agency released the documents in September, after Decarcerate appealed to the state Office of Open Records. The documents, however, did not provide a source for the monetary figures. Decarcerate is calling for legislative hearings to determine whether the DOC misled the legislature and the public. “In a funny way, by giving us these documents and certifying that this is all they have, they’re basically asserting the inadequacy of their own study,” says Lyman-Schmidt. “They represent both a failure of transparency, and also a more functional failure of government. And it needs to be investigated by the government.” (daniel.denvir@citypaper.net)

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[ the naked city ]

✚ a million stories <<< continued from page 7

The law could be changed to add vacant lots. “The regular guy can’t hold out for as long as this is going to take. You have to have someone with resources and staying power to let the process play

itself out,” said Taylor. To that end, Taylor and other representatives introduced an amended version of the bill in June that would expand Act 135 to cover vacant lots (instead of only buildings), cut the grace period in half and increase the minimum “award” — in hopes of getting more groups to file claims. Most important, the amendment would make delinquent property owners responsible for legal fees incurred by petitioners if a judge finds their property was indeed blighted. Currently, if an owner decides to sell or repair a building before a judge’s ruling, petitioners can be left with nothing to show for their work but attorney fees and court costs — which

Palmer says can run $7,500 or more. “Right now, with the work and risk, we almost have to ask for a favor to get people involved,” said Taylor. “I want people competing for these things.”

Inexperience is also an impediment. Palmer says that “50 community groups” across the city have contacted Scioli Turco for instruction

on using Act 135 or to have the organization petition for a property on their behalf. Joe DeFelice of the Mayfair CDC says he approached Scioli Turco for help in dealing with a rowhouse that had been boarded up for nearly eight years on a tidy, working-class block of Sheffield Avenue in Northeast Philly. “We approached the owner about it, and he basically told us to go pound sand,” said DeFelice. Scioli Turco walked the CDC through Act 135 and, within two months, DeFelice says, his “phone was ringing off the hook.” It was the owners, and they wanted to negotiate. The process went smoothly enough that the CDC is now pursuing another blighted property on its own. “The [Sheffield Avenue] property is fixed up and currently for sale,” said DeFelice. “It’s like night and day.” —Ryan Briggs 12 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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Elf Discovery Talking to ‘Elf’ creator David Berenbaum about growing up in the Northeast, being Jewish and loving Christmas, and working on the Michael Bay Ouija board movie. BY BRYAN BIERMAN

CITY PAPER: What was your upbringing in Philly like? You lived in the Northeast? DAVID BERENBAUM: Yeah, I lived in the Northeast. I went to George Washington High. I was raised in a Jewish family and we celebrated Hanukkah, but also had a Christmas tree every now and again. I got to do a little bit of both. Hanukkah is great, and my kids celebrate Hanukkah, but there’s kind of nothing like rushing down on Christmas morning and opening up presents. It’s the best of the best when you’re a kid. I loved the Christmas tree and the lights and the way it feels, so we do the same thing for my kids. We’re right in the middle of Hanukkah, so they’re getting one gift a night, but I like having the Christmas tree in the house. It’s not really a religious thing; it’s more of a feeling that I like to have around. CP: Is that what inspired Elf? Old Christmas movies and that feeling.

DB: Definitely, definitely the old Christmas movies. I remember when CBS, every year, they would do the special presentation and you’d see the swirling CBS logo come on and you’d watch Rudolph. One of my favorite films of all time is It’s a Wonderful Life.

decade after its release, the massive Will Ferrell comedy film Elf has entered the modern holiday canon, a viewing tradition for countless families. It’s the story of Buddy, played by Ferrell, a would-be elf who finds out after 30 years at the North Pole that he’s actually human. Elf was adapted into a musical that opened on Broadway in 2010, and is now running at the Walnut Street Theatre through Jan. 5. Elf was the brainchild of screenwriter David Berenbaum, who grew up Jewish in Philly; we talked to Berenbaum about the Northeast, seeing his movie adapted into a musical, writing a Ouija board movie for Director Michael Bay and more.

CP: At one point in Elf, Buddy is on a bridge looking over the side, like an homage to It’s a Wonderful Life. DB: I was watching a lot of Frank Capra at the time [of writing Elf]. It’s a Wonderful Life definitely was in there; Meet John Doe was definitely in there. I guess in a lot of Frank Capra films, people are gonna be jumping off of things? CP: So what happened between when you wrote the movie in 1996 and when it came out in 2003? DB: Like all things in Hollywood, things do not move very quickly. [Elf] was even kind of fast — it was written, it went out, it got optioned a couple of times. One thing or another didn’t come together. It absolutely served a great purpose as a writing sample — it got me into certain jobs. I worked for CONTINUED ON PAGE 16

OMNI PRESENTS: “My kids celebrate Hanukkah, but ... I loved [having a] Christmas tree and the lights, so we do the same thing for my kids,” say David Berenbaum, screenwriter of Elf.

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I JUST THOUGHT ‘ELF’ WAS A FUNNY IDEA ... A STORY THAT WAS CLASSICAL AND TIMELESS, AND HAS ROOTS IN EVERYTHING FROM RUDOLPH TO MOSES FLOATING DOWN THE NILE NILE. Disney for a while based off of that script. Then my manager at the time got it to Will Ferrell and his managers … and things took off from there. I don’t think we’d be talking about the movie now if Will didn’t commit to play Buddy the elf, ’cause I can’t really imagine anyone else on the planet playing that role at this point.

on the lot writing movies for them. So, that’s how I got into that genre. It wasn’t intentional. I just thought Elf was a funny idea and … a story that was classical and timeless, and has roots in everything from Rudolph to Moses floating down the Nile.

CP: I hear you worked on the Michael Bay Ouija board movie.

DB: [Laughs.] Yes, I did. I wrote one draft a while ago. I might have been the first writer on that, I’m not sure. But that has since gone through many, many different incarnations. I think now they’re making it a very low-budget Paranormal Activity kind of film, or that it’s actually completed.

CP: I think they might have learned their lesson with Battleship.

CP: It seems like screenwriters have a hard job — everybody sees this thing you wrote, but

DB: Uh … yeah. I think Hasbro — they did

people rarely think about who wrote it.

Transformers, which is obviously incredibly lucrative for them, so they wanna do that again. But they can also lose a lot of money. It’s a big gamble, so I think they’re doing it in the smart way.

DB: Well, I think it’s a great job. … I’ve never wanted to do anything else in my life except be a part of making movies. So the fact that I’m getting to do it … it’s a dream, really. Whether people appreciate it or not, I appreciate it. I didn’t have a plan B going into this thing. I went to NYU to study film, then came out here to L.A. I was hell-bent on finding a way in, so I just started writing these screenplays — Elf was my second screenplay. Oddly, the first script I wrote was also a Christmas film. … I was on a Christmas bent at the time.

MARK GARVIN

CP: Was Christmas in New Jersey the first script? DB: Yeah! How’d you know that one? CP: IMDB Trivia. [Laughs.] DB: Oh, wow! Maybe I should look at that thing. Yes, it was called Christmas in New Jersey. It’s a romantic comedy that I haven’t looked at for years, but maybe I should re-read it. Maybe it’s got some Christmas magic in it as well.

CP: So, Elf is a musical now; how did that come about? DB: Literally, at the premiere of the film in New York, we were at Rockefeller Center and Mark Kaufman, who was an executive at New Line, came up to me and said, “Hey, I love the movie. I think it’d make a great musical.” So, I was, like, “Great! Let’s make it into a musical!” I thought he was kidding. And he was not kidding. … Me and my wife went to see the dress rehearsal and the next thing I knew, it was on Broadway. It was pretty surreal to see it on Broadway.

CP: Were you involved with the musical adaptation? DB: No, I don’t pretend to really know the first thing about theater. Movies and TV are where I live and breathe. I gave my very, very few thoughts at the dress rehearsal. I think they did a great job adapting it to the stage.

CP: A lot of your movies are for kids. How did you end up in that niche? DB: Elf got me into this thing called the Disney [Writers in Residence] Program, which is like an old-school Hollywood system where they hire a couple people a year and you’re CARFEUL, NOW: “It was pretty surreal to see it on Broadway,” says David Berenbaum of the musical adaptation of Elf, now starring Christopher Sutton and Kate Fahrner at the Walnut.

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CP: So how does one end up working on Ouija? Do they come to you and say, “So, we have this property …” DB: It was Hasbro. And it was Michael Bay. Yes, I sat with Michael Bay and he had an idea for what he wanted the movie to be — his original intention was, like, a Goonies, Gremlins, old-school Amblin [Entertainment] way into the story. Based on that, I went off and wrote a movie that was very effects-driven, massive budget; I believe later writers also wrote things in the nature of a very high-budget movie. But I think Universal just didn’t want to spend that kind of money on it, so they eventually decided to do it very low-budget, like, under $5 million. I think that’s the smart way to do it, for the Ouija film.

CP: Your brother Michael is a film editor. When you were growing up in Philly, was that all you guys thought about? One day, we’re gonna do this? DB: It was sort of in our blood. Mike bought a Super 8 camera and was always CONTINUED ON PAGE 18

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CHRISTMAS IS FRIENDLIER TO STORYTELLING THAN THE MACCABEES AND THE CANDLE AND THE OIL. making movies. (Mike’s eight years older than I am, and my other brother Jeff’s five years older.) When Mike went to NYU, I borrowed his camera and started making Super 8 movies, and eventually also went to NYU; Mike definitely paved the way for thinking about those things. Jeff went the more sensible way; he’s now running a department at Citigroup, so he’s sort of the smart one of the family, I would say.

CP: A fair number of movies are filming in Philly now. Do you think Philly could ever be, not like Hollywood, but maybe a Vancouver or something?

DB: I would love to see that, ’cause I’d love to come back and shoot in Philly. I was just talking about Christmas films, and somebody was talking about John Landis and how he shot Trading Places there, and I’ve written something recently that takes place in Philly, so that would be great. People shoot in Canada because of the tax incentive — Elf was shot in Vancouver. A lot of Hollywood productions go up there because they save a huge amount of money; if Philadelphia could do something to draw filmmakers, I think that would be amazing. There’s so many iconic films that take place there. CP: One of the Transformers movies filmed here for a little while. I think somehow they

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made it look like Paris. DB: Michael Bay can do anything.

CP: Why hasn’t there been a Hanukkah kids’ movie? There’s only like a handful of Hanukkah movies that I can even think of. DB: Adam Sandler made that one, Eight Crazy Nights, which I think is based on “The Chanukah Song”? I think a Hanukkah film is just kind of tough. There’s something in Christmas that is slightly more friendly to storytelling than the Maccabees and the candle and the oil. While I tell my kids those stories, there’s just something that does not translate well to movies. … I don’t know what that movie could be. It could be a short film, though? It could be a short, comedic film with eight different parts? I don’t know. Get on that. CP: Please do. DB: No, you do it. I’m not doing it. [Laughs.] (bryan.bierman@citypaper.net)

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a&e

artsmusicmoviesmayhem

icepack By A.D. Amorosi

➤ WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED that the city

had ceded a large part of its say-so over the Italian Market to the South Ninth Street Business Association, I knew there would be griping. For better and worse, the curbside marketeers along Ninth, especially its elders, are a skeptical bunch who stare down any and every potential change with jaundiced eyes. (I live there, so I know.) They don’t like all the new condos in the area because they’re eating up all the parking spaces, making things difficult for shoppers and eaters. (To say nothing of the fact that all those damned new yuppie-hippie inhabitants shop mostly at Whole Foods and run to the Di Bruno’s on Chestnut rather than the one on Ninth.) They’re unhappy with any work that will be done to the water main along Washington Avenue. I’m pretty sure they’re leery of gluten-free bakeries like Taffets. Even though none of the vendors have to move or stop burning things in metal barrels, they’re not happy; listen close and you’ll overhear their displeasure with the potential artsy-crafty-organic-y new stalls that will eventually fill the empty spaces along the market’s newly extended boundary, from Passyunk Avenue to Federal Street. Luckily, the annual stall-rental fee will hold solid at $300 a year, an old-school bargain at twice the price. If the area’s new Business Association bosses can just keep the gluten-free stuff to a minimum, things might just work out. ➤ “I have been so fortunate and have had the most incredible experience, but it’s just time,” says Philadelphia designer and clothier Sarah Van Aken. She’s talking about the closing of her brickand-mortar SA VA shop at 1700 Sansom St., the retail store she opened in the summer of 2009 as a counterpart to her online design enterprise and her burgeoning side business designing chef and wait-staff uniforms for Philly’s best restaurants. Van Aken starts her shop’s half-off sale this week, with a Dec. 11 party to follow. SA VA’s big, sad close is on Dec. 22. Check sarahvanaken.com for her latest adventures. ➤ Morrissey: The Autobiography and its accompanying audiobook (with The Walking Dead ’s recently killed The Governor, David Morrissey, doing the dramatic reading) comes out this week, so there should be a book tour, right? “We’re trying to get Morrissey here, but not all is sanguine,” says the Free Library’s Andy Kahan. “I figure we had 800 people for [The Who’s Pete] Townshend’s signing and sold plenty of books. That’s got to move Moz.” I know he turned down millions for a Smiths reunion, but promise a veggie meal and who knows? ➤ More Ice? See citypaper.net/nakedcity. (a_amorosi@citypaper.net) 22 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

DOUBLE TAKE: Keith Sharp’s doctored photos fool the eye slowly in “Seeing Through” at 3rd Street Gallery.

firstfridayfocus By Holly Otterbein

➤ 3RD STREET GALLERY Thank god Keith Sharp’s photographs have changed. In past years, the trompe l’oeil artist would fuse together manmade objects and natural scenes, which left the viewer questioning what was what. Grasses grew behind windows, and curtains morphed into mountains. It was delightfully trippy. The downside is that photographs were sometimes more obvious than mysterious. That all changed with Sharp’s new exhibit, “Seeing Through.” His work will still make you do a double take, only now it’ll be at a much slower rate. He plays with light, shadows and color to tweak the viewer’s perception. Cars and buildings appear to be seethrough. Trees seem to break the laws of physics. “In this most recent series, I have reworked and layered images in an attempt to make objects seem transparent,” he says in an artist’s statement. “In these photographs it appears as if the skies and trees around and behind these buildings, cars, fences and walls go right through those objects.” Jean Burdick is exhibiting her paintings and drawings alongside Sharp in the show “Shared Origins.” She, too, mashes together disparate objects. She uses photographs of flora from her treks through America’s National Park system for inspiration, as well as pictures

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from the evolutionary sciences. The textured images, which look like cellular patterns, are intended to speak to a higher truth. “Elements of nature are magnified, overlapped and obscured, reflecting the continual growth and change, which is the touchstone of the natural world,” she says in a statement. Through Dec. 29, opens Fri., Dec. 6, 5 p.m., 58 N. Second St., 215-625-0993, 3rdstreetgallery.com.

➤ SNYDERMAN-WORKS GALLERIES When Karen Shapiro returned to the ceramics world after a stint as a pastry chef, she could no longer make the flawless abstract sculptures on which she once prided herself. Thankfully, Shapiro looked around her home and found dozens of other items worthy of sculpting: Old Bay containers, tuna cans, mayonnaise jars and Heineken bottles, to name a few. “Now I find myself jumping around from vegetables to nail polish bottles and lipsticks, to crayons and on and on,” she said in a statement. “The excitement of reaching into a red-hot environment with tongs, of the flaming bucket, even the choking smoke, and finding results I never dreamt of — always changing, always so much to learn — has given me back an enormous energy.” Through Jan. 18, opens Fri., Dec. 6, 5 p.m., 303 Cherry St., 215238-9576, snyderman-works.com. (editorial@citypaper.net)

Heineken bottles, tuna cans, mayonnaise jars.

[ through rage or resignation ] [ album reviews ]

➤ michael milosh | AMichael Milosh’s tender, introverted croon first bewitched listeners earlier this year via his work with Rhye, and Jetlag (eOne/Deadly) will hopefully benefit from the increased exposure. This album favors a more modern flavor of electro-soul over Rhye’s throwback touches, and the songs, on the whole, aren’t quite as distinctive, but it’s every bit as emotive, lush and beautiful; swirling soft, shimmering bleeps and blips (a la the Notwist or mid-period Radiohead) with the organic warmth of harp, organ and that ineffable voice. —K. Ross Hoffman

➤ moistboyz | C+ The long-awaited, self-released Moistboyz V might be this Ween offshoot’s most sonically interesting album to date, the thrashpunk sound now blown out to full-on hair metal. Singer Dickie Moist (Guy Heller) channels his best downbeat Axl Rose on “Hanging by a Thread” and Sebastian Bach on “Protect and Serve.” He and Mickey Moist (aka Mickey Melchiondo, aka Dean Ween) will get weird at the North Star Friday (Dec. 6, northstarbar.com). —Patrick Rapa

flickpick

aidorinvade

➤ special request | B+

Rodney Anonymous vs. the world

If the quarter-century-plus lineage of U.K. urban dance music has a soul, it exists in the iconic sound signatures — pirate-radio rewinds, 303 acid throbs, grimy gun-cocks and breakbeats breakbeats breakbeats — that form the nucleus of Paul Woolford’s productions as Special Request. The monolithic bounty of Soul Music (Houndstooth) displays Woolford’s pious dedication to these mystically encoded sonic incantations, layering breaks upon breaks not to recreate the form of classic jungle but to probe its evocative poten—K. Ross Hoffman tial, from steely violence to fluid funk.

➤ bill cosby | B Call me sentimental, but I actually enjoyed the hell out of Far From Finished (Comedy Central), Bill Cosby’s first standup comedy special in 30 years. There’s some weird timing and a bit of rambling, but that good-natured, exasperated parent/spouse routine has still holds up. Skip the DVD and just listen to him recount the time he woke up to find his wife pulling his nose hairs; damn if he doesn’t sound —Patrick Rapa like classic Cos from the Himself era.

[ movie review ]

OUT OF THE FURNACE [ C+ ] CRAZY HEART DIRECTOR Scott Cooper finds his follow-up film Out of the

Furnace in the neighborhood of Michael Cimino’s The Deer Hunter: literally, in the case of its central Pennsylvania steel-town setting, but also thematically, with its focus on the effects of military service on struggling working-class characters. North Braddock, Pa., is depicted as a near ghost town where residents deal with this emptiness either through rage or resignation. Those divergent options are represented by the Baze brothers: Rodney (Casey Affleck), stop-lossed into multiple tours in Iraq, vents his PTSD-induced anger in bare-knuckle fights for cash, while older brother Russell (Christian Bale) follows in the family tradition of working in the local steel mill. Affleck’s portrayal of a disoriented soldier unable to reintegrate is the film’s most interesting element, which makes it all the more unfortunate that the plot eventually hinges on his disappearance. Through an introduction provided by friendly small-time gangster John Petty (Willem Dafoe), Affleck gets caught up in a fight ring run by nearby Appalachian “inbreds.” It’s never a good idea to cross meth-dealing mountain folk, and everyone’s bleak outlooks soon turn even bleaker. Genre formulas often serve as ideal vehicles for submerged social commentary, but Cooper doesn’t have much to say. Beyond acknowledging how hard the working poor have it today, he offers grim atmosphere rather than insight. Bale’s Russell is a steely-visaged blank who fails to gain substance even after a stint in prison and a broken relationship with Zoe Saldana, whose disappearance from the film is less mysterious than Affleck’s, but no less complete. Cooper suggests a country without options, but ultimately fails to populate it. —Shaun Brady

Bleak outlooks turn even bleaker.

A TALE OF TWO BROTHERS: Russell (Christian Bale, pictured above) toils at a local steel mill while his younger brother competes in bare-knuckle fights for cash.

CANADA! ➤ LOOK. WE NEED to talk about your inability to commit, emotionally, to music. Think back to the first band you ever really connected with. It doesn’t matter whether it was The Sex Pistols, R.E.M. or the Captain and motherfuckin’ Tennille. You loved that band the way George Zimmerman loves gated communities, right? Now, just remember that feeling you had when everything just suddenly clicked. But then you got older; music became background noise, and, well, let’s just say “Mumford & Sons” and leave it at that. But you still miss that feeling, don’t you? OK, read on. Rock ’n’ roll, when it’s at its best, stands firmly in the center of a crossroads between the muscular and the cerebral. Drift too far toward the corporeal, and you end up writing songs about smashing beer bottles and hurling groupies into bourbon-filled swimming pools. Drift too far toward the intellectual, and you’ll find yourself recording a concept album filled with crap about UFOs and Middle-earth. Very few bands have managed to walk the tightrope between the pounding rhythm of the heart and the eclectic charge of the brain. Enter iVardensphere and The Methuselah Tree. If you took Dead Can Dance, fed them amphetamines and psilocybin, then dropped them in the mountains of Algeria, you might come up with something like The Methuselah Tree. It’s a pounding, tribal exploration of the id that stimulates your higher functions but still forces you to move like Bob Ford on a three-day bender.

Verdict: You’ve been given a rare second chance to fall in love again. Don’t blow it and end up cruising christianmingle.com. (r_anonymous@citypaper.net)

✚

iVardensphere

The Methuselah Tree (METROPOLIS)

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WIN TICKETS TO SEE I LOVE LUCY® LIVE

S TA G E D & D I R E C T E D B Y

Rick Sparks

Enter to win a pair of tickets to see I Love Lucy® Live by logging on to: www.citypaper.net/win. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. One entry per person or address. Winners will be chosen at random. Two tickets to a Kimmel Broadway Series Production per each winner. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, winner is unable to use his/ her ticket in whole or in part. Void where prohibited by law. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible.

DEC 26 - 29 • MERRIAM THEATER Broadway Philadelphia is presented collaboratively by the Kimmel Broadway Philadelphia is presented collaboratively by the Center for the Performing Arts and The Shubert Organization. Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts and The Shubert Organization.

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kimmelcenter.org/broadway 215.731.3333

movie

shorts

FILMS ARE GRADED BY CITY PAPER CRITICS A-F.

“EXPLOSIVE!” - Scott Mantz, ACCESS HOLLYWOOD

“A Twice Born

✚ NEW BETTIE PAGE REVEALS ALL | CThe pin-up legend gets fawning fan treatment in this shoddily made, amateur-hour documentary by director Mark Mori. In the 1950s, Bettie Page brought a disarming sweetness to countless kinky poses, and the film makes a few fumbling attempts to explore the contradictions of this devoutly religious woman who made bondage seem so friendly more than half a century prior to 50 Shades of Grey. Working from a poorly recorded audio interview conducted before Page’s death in 2008, the best parts of Bettie Page Reveals All allow this sly Southern belle to tell her own story in a matter-of-fact, gee-whiz tone. Mori glosses over her harrowing tales of sexual assault with a barrage of chintzy music, stock footage and flashy video effects that were presumably state of the art during the Reagan administration. Page’s decade-long stay in a mental institution is similarly shunted aside in favor of gaseous talking-head interviews with the likes of Hugh Hefner and assorted hangers-on, sometimes congratulating themselves for being kind to the icon in her later years, but mostly just talking about her bangs. Still, the photographs endure, conveying a happy, hearty sexuality that this stumblebum film is at a loss to elucidate. Then again, there are worse ways to spend 101 minutes than looking at Bettie Page. —Sean Burns (Ritz at the Bourse)

OUT OF THE FURNACE | C+ Read Shaun Brady’s review on p. 23. (Wide release)

TWICE BORN | D Wartime as a setting does not automatically make a film

“meaningful,” something that everyone failed to explain to Sergio Castellitto, whose inexplicable melodrama features more forehead-slapping moments than a screening of Showgirls. Taking extreme care to make sure his characters speak, act and emote as unnaturally as possible, the Italian actor/director’s Twice Born (adapted from his wife Margaret Mazzantini’s novel) concerns the unhappy existence of Gemma (Penélope Cruz), an Italian national who visits Sarajevo with her teen boy Pietro (Castellitto’s son, also named Pietro). In a series of interminable, pretentious flashbacks, we’re filled in on Gemma’s tumultuous relationship with Diego (Emile Hirsch), Pietro’s fiery photographer father, and a supporting cast that serves no actual purpose. Castellitto has achieved the rare goal of presenting a movie that is both hysterically underdeveloped and extremely overlong, wasting as many minutes as possible on memeworthy moments like Diego flipping out about canned tuna and Gemma shrieking “AMORE!” over and over in a mortar-torn public square. Hirsch and Cruz are much better actors than this disorganized, unintentional comedy allows them to be. —Drew Lazor (AMC Cherry Hill)

SUPERB

CHRISTIAN BALE!”

- Karen Durbin, ELLE

“POWERFUL!” - Scott Foundas, VARIETY

“CAPTIVATING!” - Jim Vejvoda, IGN

✚ CONTINUING DALLAS BUYERS CLUB | B+ In the most miraculous career resurrection not precipitated by Quentin Tarantino, Matthew McConaughey has abruptly transformed himself from half-forgotten rom-com himbo to an electrifying screen presence. These days, he’s exuding an infectiously naughty sense of self-delight, one that serves him well in director Jean-Marc Vallee’s tad-

STARTS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6TH AT THEATRES EVERYWHERE! CHECK DIRECTORIES FOR SHOWTIMES • NO PASSES ACCEPTED

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too-crowd-pleasing take on the early days of the AIDS crisis. McConaughey, starved to an alarming fraction of his body weight, stars as Ron Woodruff, a hard-partying rodeo fixture diagnosed with HIV and given 30 days to live. Never one to follow protocol, Ron starts out buying stolen AZT from crooked hospital orderlies, and eventually ends up smuggling unapproved drugs across all sorts of borders. Scamming his way around the FDA, turning a quick buck and staying alive in the process, Woodruff gamed a broken system for as long as he could. Yes, this subject was covered in much greater depth in last year’s essential documentary How to Survive a Plague — and of course, when Hollywood told the story, they had to pick the time it happened to a straight guy — but Dallas Buyers Club still knows how to work a crowd. —Sean Burns (Ritz East)

THE GREAT BEAUTY | A A monumental act of hubris made more impressive by being pulled off so splendidly, director Paolo Sorrentino’s dazzling fantasia positions itself as a sort-of sequel to Federico Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, one of the greatest films ever made. Sad-eyed Toni Servillo stars as Jep Gambardella, a one-time novelist and dapper darling of Rome’s social scene who has drifted through the past four decades in a haze of beautiful women, extravagant luxury and killer parties. But Jep’s 65th birthday has thrown the hedonist for a loop, and suddenly the sweet life ain’t what it used to be. Sorrentino appropriates Fellini’s rambling, anecdotal structure and pet obsessions: curvy ladies, dwarves and juxtaposi-

tions of the sacred with the profane. But The Great Beauty is more than mere homage. Filtered through Sorrentino’s own rambunctious sensibility, it’s a richly symbolic meditation on aging, mortality and precious time wasted. —Sean Burns (Ritz at the Bourse)

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE | BWhat a difference a director makes. When we last caught up with Katniss Everdeen, she was reluctantly killing kids in Seabiscuit director Gary Ross’ sloppily staged, cheapo adaptation of Suzanne Collins’ YA mega-seller. One year and a few hundred million dollars later, the series has fallen into the hands of filmmaker Francis Lawrence (of I Am Legend and the underrated Constantine). Lawrence has an eye for striking visuals, but has never found a script to match his talent. He doesn’t find one here either, but Catching Fire is still a huge improvement over its predecessor. Jennifer Lawrence’s Katniss is back, shouldering the burden of martyrdom in a dystopian future where the rich enlist the poor to kill each other in televised spectacles. Pulpy melodrama continues apace, but this time with lush, burnished images and a budget to match the ambition. It’s quite engrossing until the movie abruptly stops mid-scene, teasing another sequel coming soon to a theater near you. Sigh, the perils of franchise maintenance. —Sean Burns (Wide release)

NEBRASKA | B Director Alexander Payne returns to his home turf for the father-son road trip Nebraska. And like any homecom-

ing, it’s a combination of nostalgia and resentment. Against a stark Midwestern landscape, the Omaha native sets the withered features of Bruce Dern as Woody Grant, an aged alcoholic who is determined to walk from Montana to Lincoln, Neb., to claim a million dollars supposedly won in a mail-order scam. His aimless son David (Will Forte) eventually agrees to shepherd him on his fool’s errand, hoping they’ll form that elusive bond. The pair detours from their quest for a reunion with Woody’s extended family in his hometown, where secrets from his past begin to come to light. The film’s uneasy divide between heartfelt drama and broad comedy so perfectly fits with Payne’s oeuvre that it’s surprising to learn that he didn’t write the screenplay. But that balance is particularly precarious here as Payne depicts small-minded, small-town folks with both condescension and intimate understanding. Woody’s grasping clan and forgotten hopes are meant to form a bridge between a lost past and his embittered old age, but Payne never quite manages to make that connection palpable. —Shaun Brady

PHILOMENA | B It’s usually easy to tell when a movie is dinging its own awards-season bell, but in the case of genteel director Stephen Frears’ latest, that bell has been replaced with a gong. Philomena, based on British writer Martin Sixsmith’s 2009 nonfiction heartbreaker, is not exactly subtle in this regard. But only the most heartless will find zero emotion in this true story bolstered by earnest performances.

In the early ’50s, when Irish teenager Philomena Lee (played later in life by Dench) finds herself with child, she turns to a remote convent, where her sin is shrouded. For decades, she hides knowledge of the baby, who was given up for adoption against her wishes, quietly searching for him with no luck. Then she becomes acquainted with sneering journalist Sixsmith (Steve Coogan) and convinces him to organize a new investigation. Traveling to America to follow up on a promising lead furthers the fish-out-of-water antics, dropping folksy Philomena into ordinary situations she finds extraordinary. These are the moments Frears lays it on thickest, coaxing Dench to kick Philomena’s adage output into overdrive. Still, it’s difficult to discredit the genuine warmth the director develops between this broken mother and her reluctant surrogate son. It’s a sentimental affair, but it can’t be called insincere. —Drew Lazor (Ritz Five)

[ movie shorts ]

Blue Eyes (2012, Italy, 94 min.): The

friendship of two thieving 16-year-old boys. Sat., Dec. 7, 8:30 p.m., free. The Interval (2012, Italy/Switzerland/Germany, 90 min.): A boy and girl end up trapped in an abandoned building. Sun., Dec. 8, 5:30 p.m., free.

PHILAMOCA 531 N. 12th St., 267-519-9651, philamoca.org. The Demon’s Rook (2013, U.S., 103 min.): The Philadelphia premiere of a film about a boy who finds a portal to a different world where he is taught magic by an elderly demon. Thu., Dec. 5, 8 p.m., $10. I Am Divine (2013, U.S., 90 min.): The story of Divine, aka Harris Glenn Milstead, John Waters’ infamous drag muse. Sun., Dec. 8, 8 p.m., $10.

WOODMERE ART MUSEUM

✚ REPERTORY FILM INTERNATIONAL HOUSE 3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125, ihousephilly.org. Balancing Act (2012, Italy/France, 107 min.): A man’s once-quiet life falls apart. Thu., Dec. 5, 8:30 p.m., free. The Commander and the Stork (2012, Italy/France/Switzerland, 108 min.): A statue watching over a city comes to life. Fri., Dec. 6, 8:30 p.m., free. The Ideal City (2012, Italy, 105 min.): Fervent environmentalist Michele moves to his ideal city, only to be plagued by mysterious happenings. Sat., Dec. 7, 5:30 p.m., free. Ali

9201 Germantown Ave., 215-247-0476, woodmereartmuseum.org. The Shop Around the Corner (1940, U.S., 99 min.): Two gift-shop employees fall in love via anonymous pen-pal correspondences. Tue., Dec. 10, 7 p.m., $5 suggested donation.

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f&d

foodanddrink

amusebouche By Adam Erace

WANDERING PIE NOMAD ROMAN | 1305 Locust St., 215-644-9287, nomadpizzaco.com. Hours: Mon.-Thu., noon-10:30 p.m.; Fri.-Sat., noon-midnight; Sun., noon-9 p.m. Appetizers and salads, $6-$12; pizzas, $11-$19. ➤ IN NO PARTICULAR order, my current pantheon of Philadelphia pizza goes something like this: Santucci’s upside-down squares; Celebre’s cheesy pizzazz; New York Bakery’s tomato pie, with its tall black corners and not-too-sweet gravy; Gennaro’s tomato pie, with its molten center and poufy rim; Joe Beddia’s Nos. 1 and 2; Cacia’s bianca mattresses and Nomad’s spicy soppressata. With apologies to Nomad’s owners, Tom Grim and Stalin Bedon, who opened a Bella Vista brickand-mortar outpost of their Hopewell, N.J., shop and mobile truck nearly two years ago, their pie is coming off the list. But only to make room for the same pizza on a new crust at Nomad Roman, specializing in these regionally specific pies. We’re not talking the bakery-style, scissorsnipped squares you see around Rome, imitated here at places like Bufad and Pizzeria Vetri. This is the other Roman pie, thin as a crepe and dark as a brownie, with toppings so to-the-edge that the impending tomato sauce under your fingernails will make you look like a CSI murder suspect. At Nomad Roman, Grim and Bedon transformed a short-lived waste of space, Spiga, into a warm, cozy parlor, saving little more than the existing wood-burning oven. The furnace turned out 10 pies with crusts that snapped like crackers; the margherita had vivid sauce and voluptuous mounds of mozzarella, while my “new” favorite, the soppressata, featured spicy salami petals arrayed over the same sauce and cheese. I love the latter’s garnishes: grated Parm, oregano and sticky honey that soothes stinging lips. The menu here is pretty much identical to that of the Seventh Street shop. Even the salads are the same: grilled romaine hearts garlanded with anchovies; spring mix with hunks of blue cheese, cranberries and pecans. Though a short list of specials — garganelli, lamb shoulder chop — made a cursory effort, Grim and Bedon could stand to vary the offerings to make Roman feel like a true second concept instead of just an alt-crusted carbon copy. Just don’t change my soppressata. Works of art like that should be left alone. (adam.erace@citypaper.net) 34 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

HIGH BAR: Handmade shrubs for the cocktail enthusiast on your list. NEAL SANTOS

[ giftables ]

HOMEMADE FOR THE HOLIDAYS Hand-crafted gift ideas from our favorite local food personalities. By Caroline Russock here are plenty of people with Martha Stewart-like (or Sandra Lee-like) abilities to deck the halls, create magical tablescapes and painstakingly wrap the most thoughtful, hand-selected gifts. Of course, not all of us possess these holiday superpowers. For many, choosing gifts for the holidays strikes fear — resulting in a selection of presents (including ties and sweaters) that will never see the light of day, useless closet clutterers like tabletop slot More on: machines or the always-useful but not-reallyall-that-thoughtful gift card. Instead of spending a hectic weekend elbowing your way through the masses at the mall, allow us to suggest a kinder, gentler way to tackle your holiday shopping list. We tapped some of our favorite local artisans for homemade gift ideas that will keep you safely in the comfort of your kitchen and be sure to please even the most discerning palates on your list. Gifts that last are what Amanda Feifer of fermentables blog Phickle

D E C E M B E R 5 - D E C E M B E R 1 1 , 2 0 1 3 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

citypaper.net

is all about. When asked for gifts from and for the kitchen she had more than a few genius ideas, from homemade kimchi and fermented hot sauce to lacto-fermented pickles for your friends who have recently embraced the paleo diet. Preaching the gospel of all things fermented, she’s also a proponent of giving project-kicker offers like sourdough starters and SCOBYs or mothers for making your own batches of kombucha (available at Philly Homebrew Outlet). Feifer’s go-to holiday gift is a jar of whipped crème fraîche (look for the recipe on Meal Ticket), sour cream’s more luxe French cousin. Dead simple to make at home, Feifer loves the customizable nature of this giftable topper. “It’s easy to add flavors to fit the palate of the recipient and to make it look pretty,” she explains. “I recently attended a party where I knew the host would be serving a chocolate mousse for dessert, so I brought along a jar of orange-cardamom (cultured) whipped cream. I always bring it chilled, but let the host decide if they want to share it with MORE FOOD AND all or devour it later.” DRINK COVERAGE Marisa McClellan, preserver extraordiAT C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / naire and author of Food in Jars (Running M E A LT I C K E T. Press, May 2012), offered up a mulled-cider syrup. “This syrup makes it possible to have the taste of autumn all year long,” McCellan tells us. And the process couldn’t be simpler, it’s merely a matter of simmering down freshly pressed apple cider with sugar and mulling spices. Once you have your syrup chilled, all you have to do is funnel it into decorative bottles (Fante’s in the Italian >>> continued on adjacent page

[ food & drink ]

✚ Homemade for the holidays <<< continued from previous page

Market has a great selection), tie a ribbon around them and they’re ready to give. McClellan suggests drizzling them over cinnamon-spiked pancakes or stirring a few spoonfuls into hot water for instant apple cider. Of course, we’re not opposed to outfitting your home bar with a bottle of the cider syrup for cold-weather cocktails. Speaking of cocktails, Maria Polise and Zachary Svoboda, head bartenders at Ela, are doing some killer drinks at the bar using all sorts of seasonally perfect and easy-to-make-at-home components. Their gift for the home bartender comes in the form of a shrub, an acidulated, fruit-based mixer popular in 17th- and 18th-century England. The formula is simple and can be made in a matter of minutes at home, bottled and ready to mix. At Ela, they use an easy formula of two parts fruit to one part sugar and one part vinegar for their shrubs. On the current menu, the Tautou is a Collins-based cocktail featuring a raspberry-thyme shrub mixed with vodka, sparkling water and a lemon. But Svboda has plenty of ideas for using the same formula for more seasonal ingredients. He has an apple-toasted barley shrub in the works for a whiskey cocktail on the winter menu and plans for a roasted pumpkin shrub ready to be matched with tequila. Quince and pear would also work beautifully. For your own shrubs, all you have to do is macerate two parts chopped fruit with one part sugar and one part vinegar (champagne or white balsamic types are preferable), let it sit for three days, bring to a boil, strain, bottle and refrigerate. “Man, these were invented to make all things taste good, you know,” Svoboda says of this mixer with a history. “And all booze makes these taste good. It’s kind of like a perfect match.” Pair a bottle of one of these homemade shrubs with a bottle of your choice? A gift match made in heaven. (caroline@citypaper.net)

➤ recipe

✚ MULLED CIDER SYRUP • 1 gallon freshly pressed apple cider • 1 cup granulated sugar • 5 whole cloves • 1 cinnamon stick • 1 star anise Pour the apple cider into a large, wide pot. Add the sugar and spices, place over high heat and bring to a boil. Cook at a controlled boil for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, until the gallon of cider has reduced to a thick, concentrated four cups. To preserve the finished syrup for gift giving, strain out the spices and funnel the hot syrup into four clean, warm, half-pint mason jars. Wipe the rims of the jars, apply new lids, tighten rings to hold the lids in place, and process the jars in a boiling water bath canner for 10 minutes. When time is up, remove jars from the canning pot and let them cool on a folded kitchen towel. Sealed jars are shelf stable for up to a year.

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merchandise market BRAZILIAN FLOORING 3/4", beautiful, $2.75 sf (215) 365-5826 BRAZILIAN FLOORING 3/4", beautiful, $2.75 sf (215) 365-5826 CABINETS KITCHEN SOLID WOOD Brand new soft close/dovetail drawers, Full Overlay, Incl. Crown, Never Installed! Cost $5,300. Sell $1,590. 610-952-0033 DIABETIC TEST STRIPS NEEDED. Pay up to $30/box. Most brands. 610.453.2525

33&45 RECORDS HIGHER $ Really Paid

**Bob610-532-9408*** 33 & 45 Records Absolute Higher $

***215-200-0902***

2013 Hot Tub/Spa. Brand New! 6 person w/lounger, color lights, waterfall, Cover, 110V or 220V, Never installed. Cost $7K Ask $2990. Can deliver 610-952-0033

Please be aware Possession of exotic/wild animals may be restricted in some areas.

Dr. Sonnheim 856-981-3397 I Buy Anything Old...Except People! Military, toys, dolls etc Al 215.698.0787 I Buy Guitars & All Musical Instruments-609-457-5501 Rob JUNK CARS WANTED We buy Junk Cars. Up to $300 215-888-8662

German Shepherd Pups - AKC, champion bloodlines, DNA cert, large boned, OFA cert, exc. Dam & sire on premises. Superior quality. Call 609-351-3205 Goldendoodle, puppies, M/F $1200 (717) 368-0244 riehlgems@epix.net

OLDE ENGLISH BULLDOGGE PUPPIES 10 weeks. Call 215-817-3739 RAGDOLL KITTENS: Beautiful, melt in your arms, homeraised, 1st shots. Call 610.731.0907

BLUE FAWN ENGLISH BULLDOG, Xmas Puppies, Shots/wormed, 215-966-9311 BORDER COLLIE PUPPIES, AKC. Ready for Christmas. Home raised. $600. Call 610-282-1192

13xx S 22nd St. 2br $775+utils wlk in clst, hwd flrs, w/d 856-906-5216

Call Local Higher Buyer - 7 Days/Wk

everything pets pets/livestock

2nd & South 2Br/1Ba $1100 New Reno, HDWD Flrs, Quiet Block, 215.574.9223, Between 9-5pm

CASH FOR COMICS: 1940-1970’s Collectors Welcome. (410) 262-4103

Coins, Currency, Slot Cars, Trains Bed brand new Q pillowtop matt set $175; 5pc bdrm set $399 215-355-3878 GREAT WASHER & DRYER need new home! Priced right! 215-313-2963

apartment marketplace

Pekingese Puppies (1) 6mo, $249. (4) 8 wks $395. Gorgeous. Call 215-579-1922 ROTTWEILER PUPPIES, AKC, 8 weeks old, M $700, F $650. Call 267.270.5529 Rottweiler Puppies, AKC reg, champion bloodlines, shots, wormed, family raised, $850. 717-989-0341

60th & Kingsessing 1Br/1Ba $600 Incl Water, 2+1 Move in, 267-888-1754 70xx Greenway Ave. 2BR $800 2nd flr. Heat & water incl. 267-600-9569

41st & Girard 1BR $525 - $550+utils S. Phila 3BR $650+utils 215-431-6677 51st and Market 1BR/1BA $525 61st and Girard 215-290-8702

English Bulldog, 11 Weeks old, Male/Female For sale, They are Pure Bred, Shots, Akc Registered, Vet Checked,Dewormed and Champion Line, Each Cost $800. Email:kimberlyskinner700@gmail.com or 215-745-779 38 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

YORKIE PUPS: Purebred, vet checked home raised. 215-490-2243 - $650

FURNISHED APTS Laundry-Parking 215-223-7000 17th/Ontario Efficiency $525 Util incl. You pay electric. 215-290-8702 38xx N. 15th St 2BR $575 + util, 3rd flr, renov, N/S. 267.809.7866

11xx Grange Ave. 1BR $650, incl heat. Spacious, renovated, ceiling fans, hdwd flrs, lndry, a/c, 1st/last sec. close to transp., ref. check. Call 215-356-3282 60XX N. 2nd St. 1BR $550+ utils $1485 Move in. w/w. 215-425-3696 60XX Warnock 1BR $630+ nr Fernrock Train Station 215-276-8534

Corner of Wissahicken & Chelten Av 1br & 2br Sec 8 appvd 215-843-4481 54xx Samson 1 & 2BR $625/$725+elec New reno, nr trans, 1+1, 267-767-4576 5958 Vine St. 1BR $550/month, utilities not included. 267-584-8451

LAWNDALE 1BR/1BA $635 +utils, balcony, A/C. Call 609-408-9298 Castor & Huntington Park Ave, West Philly, 25th & Clearfield, 52nd & Girard. Rooms for rent. Share kitch. & bath, $375 & up. SSI ok.Call 267-888-1754 Lansdowne Large 1BR $850/mo. Deluxe, in Victorian. 484-431-3394

Wallingford 1BR $900+utils A/C, W/D, pool, tennis, no pets, sec. sys. credit check. 610.399.8491

Elkins Park 2br $900 + utils newly reno, 1st flr, w/d, 610-675-7586 Penn Valley-Tower at Oak Hill 1BR/1BA $1050/mo. All ammenties & utils, on site exercise rm. Avail 11/15. 610-296-5766

16th & Lehigh, 21st & York, 22nd & Allegheny - $325/mo. SSI ok. 215-485-8815 19th & Erie $90/week, private bath, SSI ok. No drugs. Call 215-920-6394

81xx Rugby St. 2BR/1BA $775 + utils new reno, LR, KIT. Call 215-868-2751.

PARKSIDE 1-6 BR $850 & up Newly renovated, hardwood floors, new kitchen. Section 8 ok. Call 267-324-3197

W. Phila. Apts for 62 & older, brand new eff, 1 & 2BR units. Call 215.386.4791

8278 Temple Rd 2BR $900 + utils. Modern Apt. (215)233-5896

2547 N. 31st St., move in $500, New Reno, Lrg., Furnished. Mike 267.223.9151

MT. AIRY 2BR/1BA $1250+ in restored mansion w/ fp, modern kit, c/a, w/d, off st. parking, 215-849-4343

25xx Ingersoll St. & 24xx 74th St. $75/wk & up. Call 215-687-2026

49xx Chestnut St. LG 1BR $700+ util. $2100 move in, 2nd flr. 215-559-9289

Apartment Homes $650-$895 www.perutoproperties.com 215.740.4900

Balwynne Park 2BR $860+utils W/D, C/A, W/W. Call 215-219-6409

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29xx Oxford St. - Large Rooms $75 & up SSI ok. No drugs. Call 215.240.9499 33rd & Ridge Ave. $100-125/week. Large renovated furnished rooms near Fairmount Park & bus depot. (267) 712-9893

59xx N. 3rd St., 2BR, $750/mo Newly renov, 2nd floor, 215.276.1770 Broad Oaks 1BR & 2BR Lndry rm. Special Discount! 215-681-1723

4645 Penn St. Lg 1BR $650. gas/wtr inc. 215-781-8072 46xx Penn St. Effic. $400 Newly remod, good cond. 215-436-5072

Fox Chase/Chandler 2BR $850-$900 1st/2nd flr W/D hkup, bsmt, 215.785.0819

Frankford, nice rm in apt, near bus & El, $250 sec, $90/wk & up. 215-526-1455 Germantown Area: NICE, cozy rooms. Private entry. No drugs. (267)988-5890

Mt. Airy- $400/Month. $25 app fee. $600 move in . Call 267.444.2735 North Phila & Germantown Rooms for rent $100-$125/wk. Call 267-549-4690 N. Phila - $350-$500. Large, furn’d room. SSI accepted. Call 267-414-4819 N. PHILA $75 & up. SSI & Vets + ok, drug free. Avail immed. 215-763-5565 N. PHILA $75 & up, SSI & Vets+ok, drug free, Furn, Kitch. Avl Now. 215-817-0893

2435 W. Jefferson St. Rooms: $350/mo. Move in fee: $525. Call 215-913-8659 24th & Allegheny, 10th & Erie - Rooms $350-400/mo 1BR apt $550 215.237.7916

West Philadelphia 1BR/2BR $650 + up Newly Renovated. Call 215-284-7944

FRANKFORD , Newly renov, nicely furnished, A/C, W/D, cable, clean, safe & secure. Call (267) 253-7764

Harrogate (Richmond) $400/mo. kit priv., Seniors Welcome 215-634-1139

Chestnut & 53rd 2BR $625+Utils 2+1, 1st Flr, Dplx W/W, 610.220.2324

Yorkies, AKC, 2 Females, $1500. Call 215-355-5123. www.biewerterrier.com YORKIES - AKC. Teacup. 8 wks old. F $1200, M $1000. 302-697-3515

1, 2, 3, 4 BEDROOM

52XX WALNUT ST Effic $525/mo 1 mo sec. + 1st mo rent. 610-505-1637

Yorkie Puppies AKC Ready now. Call 717-278-0932 Yorkie Puppies and other cuddly breeds 215.501.7176 www.lancasterpuppies.com

32xx W Huntingdon 2BR $850+utils lg 2nd flr, HDWD Flrs, 2+1, 215.463.2403 35XX N. 11th St. Studio $440 Lg. Studio, nwly remod. 215-917-1091

4508 N. Broad St. Rooms: $400/mo. Move in fee: $600. Call 215-913-8659 47xx Salem St. $350/month. 28xx North 24th St. $425/month. Both share bath & share kit. 267-581-1331

53xx Girard Ave 1 Room $80-$110 wkly Large Clean Furnished. Call 215-917-1091 61st & Walnut - New Rooms To Rent $400 to move in. Call (267) 257-5815

N.Phila Furnished room Special 1 Week Free $100/week. 814-553-2866 N. Phila Furn Rms. SS & vets welcome. No drugs. $100 & up. Call 267-595-4414 N. PHILA ROOMS Clean/good heat ! $300/MO. CALL 443-205-5700 Orthodox/Margaret, 54th/Lansdown, 13th/York, 52nd/Race Disability, SSI OK. Call 215-290-3702

S, SW, W Germantown $350-$500 Utilities Included. SSI ok. 215-806-7078 SW, N, W Move in Special $90-$125/wk Clean furn rms, SSI ok, 215.452.5446 S.W. Phila Furn Rms. SS & Vets welc. No drugs. $100/wk & up. 267-357-5148 Temple Univ Area: 16th & Oxford, room, $125/wk. Call (267) 249-1475

6700 Germantown Ave., $125/week Temp Avail 1-2 months, 215.844.2605

WEST PHILA $130/WK. 2 wk sec dep. Greg 267-850-8674.

BROAD & LEHIGH Move In Special, $400 . Free Cable 1st Month! 215-510-0928

W. Phila Furn Rms SS & Vets welcome. No drugs, $100/wk & up 267-586-6502

homes for rent 50xx Westminster Ave 3 Bedrooms/ 1 Full Bath. Living room, dining room, full kitchen. Full basement, front porch and rear yard. $800/month plus util. Sec 8 OK. Call 215-317-5131. Ask for Arnez

55xx W Thompson Str 4 Bedrooms/1 Bath, Enclosed Porch, Large Living Room, Dining Room, Full Kitchen, Sec 8 OK. Ask for Arnez. 215-317-5131

GRAYS FERRY 21XX cross st. 3BR $750 +utils. Fully rehabbed, 1.5BA, HW flrs throughout, everything new. Bill Hardy 215-868-3608

61XX Yocum St. 3BR/1BA New reno. Sec 8 ok. 215.885.1700 South West Phila 2BR /3BR House "Modern." Elmwood Area. 215.726.8817

SW PHILLY AREA - 2&3 BR Homes For Rent. Modern, 2BR $750, 3BR $800 Mike, (484)497-5529

59xx Delancy St. 3 BR $750/mo. 2+1, Move in Ready. Call 215-817-2732

27xx W. Montgomery 3BR/1BA $750 Good condition. Call 267-246-7017

28xx N. Stillman St. 3 BR/1.5 BA $700 Jacuzzi, alarm sys inc, (610) 547-1807 Bustleton 2BR 1BA 2nd Floor New Interior $800. + util. 215-888-8662

1637 Edgley St. 3BR $900+Utils W/D, yard, bsmnt, PHA ok. 267.767.8972 Temp Hosp area 3/4BR Sngl Fam Avail Now. Move in Special 215-386-4792

38xx Percy 3BR 1BA $650+Utils $1950 move in, 215-470-4918

Fayette Street 3BR/1BA $1150/month + utilities. Move in ready. (267) 252-1055

34xx Hartville St., 2BR/1BA Nice 2BR, 1BR Sect 8 ok. (732)267-2190 KENSINGTON 3bd/1.5 ba $690 Newly renovated 215-836-1960

45xx Marple 3BR 1BA $950+Utils Beautiful, Nice Block, 2+1, 267-242-7890

E.Godfrey & Castor 4BR/1.5BA $1500+ Beaut. fireplace, driveway, 1 car gar, hardwood flrs, yard, 2+1, 856.426.8090

40 hidden cove drive 1BR/2BA 2 story carriage house,gar,family room,wash,dry. 215-837-7239 1500 month

Doylestown Townhome for Rent new construction 3bed/3.5bath AVAILABLE MARCH 1, 2014. 2250+ utilities. No Pets/Smoking (267) 574-4495

Upper Darby 4BR $1295+ utils. EIK, jacuzzi, deck, LR, DR, den, fire place, hdwd flrs, d/w. 610-842-5996

automotive AUDI A-6 2004, 3.0 luxury 4 door with sunroof, full power, A/C, original miles, simply exquisit, will accept best offer today. Call Alice, 215-629-0630 Nissan Pathfinder SE 2006 $12,000 V6, 4.0L, 79K mi, dark gray 215.356.2364

We Buy Junk Cars! Pay $300 & Up! (215)768-9061

➤

market place

Adoptions ADOPTION

ADOPTION: Childless, loving couple pray to adopt. Stay at home mom, successful dad, great dogs & devoted grandparents. Legally alowed expenses paid. Bill & Debbie 800-311-6090. PREGNANT?

CONSIDERING ADOPTION? Call us first. Living expenses, housing, medical, and continued support afterwards. Choose adoptive family of your choice. Call 24/7. (877) 362-2401.

Lessons & Workshops AIRLINE CAREERS

begin here-Get trained as FAA certified Aviation Technician. Financial Aid for qualified students. Job placement assistance. CALL Aviation Institute of Maintenance 1877-492-3059.

Health Services HEALTH

Men’s Lifestyle Medications. FDA Approved-USA Pharmacies. Remote TeleMedicine Physican. Safe-Secure-Discreet. Calls Taken 7 days per week Call ViaMedic: 888-786-0945 Trusted Since 1998 VIAGRA

VIAGRA 100MG, 40 pills+/4 free, only $99.00. Save Big Now, Discreet shipping. Call 1-800-374-2619 Today

Public Notices We Buy Junk Cars! Top Paid! $500 & Up! Call Now!!! (215) 783-6919

low cost cars & trucks Acura Legend 1993 $1400 Strong engine economical 856-296-4484

Cadillac Deville 1995 $2,500 Sedan, 143K MI, new Insp, Runs great, White ext, Blue Int, 215.303.6272 CHEVY CAVALIER 2002 $1250 Auto, A/C, heat, runs exc. 215-620-9383 Dodge 1500 Ram Van, 1996 $1650 Pass/cargo, runs like new. 215-620-9383 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT ’06 $3575 Stow & go seats, auto drs. 267-592-0448 Ford Explorer XLT 1997 $1550 4x4, all powers, runs exc. 215-620-9383 Honda Accord EX 2 door, 2003 $3,295 Auto, Sunroof, Gorgeous, 610.524.8835 Infiniti I-30 2000 $2995 Auto, sunroof, gorgeous 610.524.8835 Mercedes 300 SEL 1988 $2500/obo 4 dr, 220K, Sunroof, Insp 2015, Exec, All orig cond, May trade, Pvt, 267.975.4483 NISSAN SENTRA GXE 2001 $4000 Auto, very clean, new insp, 610.506.5759 NISSAN SENTRA 2001 $1750 All powers, insp., runs exc. 215-620-9383 Saturn SC2 1995 $995 Auto, A/C, Heat, Runs Exc. 215-620-9383 Volkswagen Passat 2003. Too good to trade in!!! Owner sacrifice TODAY for $3985. Call 215-922-6113 Volkswagen Super Beetle 2002 Too good to trade in. Owner sacrafice. TODAY $4975. 215-922-6113 Anytime.

EDUCATION

EARN $500 A DAY: Airbrush & Media Makeup Artists For: Ads-TV-Film-Fashion Train & Build Portfolio in 1 week. www.AwardMakeupSchool. com NOTICES/BIDS WANTED

Construction Bids. Statewide ezIQC, indefinite quantity construction contracts. Prebids: December 9-13. Bid openings: January 3, 2014. Contact Keystone Purchasing Network for details: (888) 490-3182 or visit www.theKPN.org PREGNANT? THINKING OF ADOPTION?

Ta l k w i t h c a r i n g a g e n c y specializing in matching Birthmothers with Families Nationwide. LIVING EXPENSES PAID. Call 24/7 Abby’s One True Gift Adoptions. 866-413-6293. Void in Illinois/New Mexico/Indiana.

➤

jobs

Help Wanted

PRETER, state-registered or 3.5 or higher EIPA score. Apply: Superintendent, Juniata County School District, 75 S. Seventh St., Miffl intown, PA 17059; email: rmusselman@jcsdk12.org; fax 717436-2777. HELP WANTED

CDL-A Truck Drives. Up to $5,000 Sign-on bonus & $.56 CPM! Solos & Teams. Refrigerated Fleet, Great Miles, Full Benefits, Great Incentives. No Northeast! EOE. Call 7 days/wk! 866554-7856 Gordontrucking. com HELP WANTED

E D U C AT I O N A L I N T E R -

contact: Katrina Thomas (267) 523-5875.

HELP WANTED DRIVER

PAID IN ADVANCE

Exp. Reefer Drivers: GREAT PAY/Freight lanes from Presque, Isle, ME, Boston-Lehigh, PA. 800-277-0212 or driveforprime.com

Heavy Equipment Operator Training! Bulldozers, Backhoes, Excavators. 3 Weeks Hands On Program. Local Job Placement Assistance. National Certifications. GI Bill Benefits Eligible. 1-866362-6497.

HELP WANTED DRIVER

$1,000 Sign-On Bonus for Regional Drivers! Averitt Offers Excellent Benefits & Weekly Hometime. CDLA req. 888-362-8608 apply online at AverittCareers. com Equal Oppor tunity E m p l oye r. J o b b a s e d i n Harrisburg, PA. HELP WANTED DRIVER

CDL-A Drivers: Looking for Higher Pay? New Century is Hiring Exp. Company Drivers and Owner Operators. Both Solo and Teams. Competitive pay package. SignOn Incentive. Also looking fo r ex p e r i e n c e d d r i ve r s willing to train. Call (888) 903-8863 or apply online at: www.drivenctrans.com HELP WANTED DRIVER

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Any Car/Truck. Running or Not! Top Dollar Paid. We Come To You! Call For Instant Offer. 1-888-420-3808. www. cash4car.com C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | D E C E M B E R 5 - D E C E M B E R 1 1 , 2 0 1 3 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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[ comic ]

jonesin’

By Matt Jones

✚ ACROSS 1 5 9 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 23 24 25 26 27 29 32 38 39 40 41 44 45 46 47 49 50 53

La Jolla campus, briefly Glasgow citizen Better qualified A or E, or an IOU for that matter American Gothic setting Divide the pie “___ do better than that!” Handlebar feature 1980s White House name Magazine that summarizes the contents of some cookies? Upstairs at Eric’s duo Electronic surveillance gp. Noah’s project Pelican State sch. Captain Kirk’s journal Job in “The Santaland Diaries” Magazine that stops you from dancing to a Madonna hit? First words of “Baby Got Back” Plumb of The Brady Bunch “What now?!” Magazine that shouldn’t try to fit into an elevator? Do some quilting Licensed to ___ (Beastie Boys album) “Solve for x” subj. Blind rage Olive ___ (Popeye’s lady) Blueberries for ___ (kiddie lit classic) Magazine that draws readers to it

58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66

52 times a year? Earth tremor ___-Seltzer Cold War org. 1983 comedy with the line “Kenny, don’t paint your sister!” Factual “Let’s Get ___” Not all there Programming language designed by Larry Wall Book-lined retreats

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Bring into one Drink with marshmallows Cable movie channel that used to have an exclamation point Body shop concern Enlists Chick of jazz Boo-boo Lights out music Ed who voiced Carl in Up Not the best bedmate The Mod Squad role “Behold!” to Caesar King: Sp. Invisible Herb in poultry rubs Idiocracy actor Video game segment Tandoor, for one ___ Bizkit

31 32 33 34 35 36 37 42 43 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58

Baby horse ___ for “victory” Cheers at a bullfight Cave in Movie holder Uma, in The Truth About Cats and Dogs 180 degrees from SSW Arena section Feature of subscription-only websites Gin game Liam’s Schindler’s List role Footwear for a frozen lake Good Eats host Brown City on the Rhone Prefix with nautical Long ride? Deadwood lawman Wyatt “Gold” getter in a 1997 film City west of Tulsa T-shirt size lineup, for short

LAST WEEK’S SOLUTION

D E C E M B E R 5 - D E C E M B E R 1 1 , 2 0 1 3 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

PHOTO BY NEAL SANTOS

“MAGAZINE RACKET”— WE’VE GOT SOME ISSUES.

ADOP

ME LUNA LOVEGOOD!

2-4 YEARS OLD

I’m Luna Lovegood, a 2-4 year old cat who was found as a stray. I’m a sweet and playful girl, and I love to be pet! Please add me to your family!

Located on the corner of 2nd and Arch. All PAWS animals are spayed/neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped before adoption. For more information, call 215-238-9901 ext. 30 or email adoptions@phillypaws.org

[ i love you, i hate you ] To place your FREE ad (100 word limit) ➤ email lovehate@citypaper.net ALWAYS LOVE

FRAUD ASS BITCH

GIRLS EATING ON TRAIN

I FALL IN LOVE, EVERYDAY...

I’m so sorry for letting you go, My sweet Froggy. I will always be grateful to you; for loving me, and sticking by me, even when I was an emotional jerk. Your candid words and smart, sassy ways, will stick with me, and remind me of how cool you really are. but, now that we are working on being friends, I hate your g/f, i hate that you sleep together, and do things. That should be Us. I was wrong for letting you go and now I’m paying for it. I’m forever sorry. and I will now and always be happy to be your friend. as much as it hurts; i will be grateful. I will try to stop dreaming about how you felt and kissed and wore those outfits; thanks for everything, and I’m sorry for breaking up with you. Your butch.

Hey G, you have to be the biggest fuckin phony on this planet. You act like you’re so above what goes on at that crummy fuckin job of yours yet you engage in the same fucking activities. Remember when I worked there and we’d sneak away to fuck on other floors? Remember you blowing me in abandoned office spaces? Yet you look down on the very people you have lunch with every Friday like you’re too good, if they only knew how you felt about them. You call your officemate a lesbo just

I thought this was the nastiest thing that I ever saw girls do...alone anyone do! How are you sitting on the train and people are spitting phlegm on the floor around you and you are sitting there eating food! I don’t understand how you don’t have etiquette enough to eat the fuck at home! Where the fuck are your parents and stuff teaching you or whomever fuckin raised you..When I saw the both of you bitches I wanted to grab the both of you and say you know how fucking nasty that shit is that you are doing

...with my wife! That’s right folks, every single day, and often a bunch of times each day. I can’t help it... I’m dippy in love with her. We’ve been together since ‘92, have two kooky kids, have had our world collapse on us several times, and yet we laugh like crazy at the dinner table... I hold her hand when we walk... we smooch good night and good morning... With all the shit that’s been thrown our way over the years, the one constant is that love wins... love rules. If writing I HATE YOU takes up any of your time, become the person ready to say “I Love You”... let it flow from your smile and out through your eyes. There is a bee ready to sup that honey. Stay sweet. Love rules..........

I HATE YOU!

BRING ME BACK TO REALITY

You have a lot of issues with you...I hate you with all my being. I just don’t understand the things that you do and say out of your dumb face. I don’t understand anything that has been going on with the relationship since the summertime. I just hope and pray that you will be removed from my life. Even though we have children you are the worst person that I have ever come across in my life and the worst person that ever entered my life. What kind of person smokes knowing children are in the house, what type of person does half the shit you do! God is going to deal with you in the worst way! I just hopes you lets me watch!

its only been 2 months and it feels like forever. i guess its true when they say it’s amazing when your significant other can be your best friend as well as your lover. you hold me high on this pedestal and I’m so afraid to fall. you treat me like a queen and its never happened to me before, i guess thats why your a real man. Never let me go, and ill hold on forever. Im in this until the end if you are.

COMPUTER LOVE Three weeks ago, but you were always in my head. you are mysterious and sweet. your eyes and body are marked with history. You’re geeky with your little KFC lemon towels and “sitting right next to me” texts. you sit in comfortable silence filling the space with your simplicity and thoughtfulness. And I love every bit of it. “Excuse me sir, I will be your candy girl, spare a dime and donate to your foundation.” Call me crazy, but I really like riding this train with you. choo-choo, kiss-kiss. Tu es beau! (don’t worry about the last line, it’s clean. lol)

I LOVE YOU FOR: - being silly and running naked around my apartment. - kissing me while listening to the soundtrack to the Thomas Crown Affair- telling me jokes about talking muffins- collaring me with that crazy leopard bondage kit—having the biggest, sweetest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. But most of all, for so effortlessly and unknowingly undoing the last five years of damage done by my callous, manipulative, and degrading bastard of an ex-husband. I will never burden you with the full extent of my baggage, but I want you to know that I will be unendingly grateful to you for the rest of my life. Thank you dosen’t even begin to cover it.

FORGIVE AND FORGET It’s crazy because I forgave you when I broke up with him to come back to you. I loved you but you played me. You’re always gonna be a BITCH. How could you seriously be with her? Keyona though? Damn, she is a ugly, no-class-having, weed-smoking, party-every-weekend, STD-having BITCH. And you swore she was better than me! I hate you, I’m gonna always hate you for being with her. You wanted me to be ya good girl, go to school, go to work and don’t hang out with my friends. Why?? You left me for someone that you didn’t want me to be like! I forgave you, God would have wanted me to. Still, I feel like I need to hurt you, like I need to do something to get some payback. I don’t need to be with you, I can tell you are bad for me. I plan to leave you, I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. I’m too good for you, you got the money, I got the brains and the will to move the fuck on! I’m done! If I stay, I’m gonna go crazy. I know me leaving for good is gonna hurt you, but did you care when you hurt me by fucking her for three months? Fuck You, I hope you hurt till total destruction. This is my confession...I forgive you...Now IT’S TIME TO FORGET YOU...

LISTEN UP

because she enjoys your company. You try to act like you’re accepting of all people, but I know the truth: you’re just a racist as your backwards-ass family. That’s why I’m happy I cheated on your dumb ass multiple times, dumb fuckin bitch. Make sure you tell your little new boyfriend how you used to suck cock while you were still married, in fact you may still be married. That was a great fucking act when I moved out, like you were upset, bitch I knew you already had a replacement, that’s why I stuck your dumb ass with that car. News flash: I was gonna leave your stupid ass anyways, that’s why I wasn’t upset. Enjoy trying to pay it bitch!

that..why can’t you wait! Yucky on the fucking train with people coughing and spitting, throwing up and shit! Yuck I hope I don’t see you bitches again!

FUCKIN’ CELL PHONES Hey, you jackasses who don’t turn off your g**damned cell phones and pagers during Philadelphia Orchestra concerts: you are such idiots. Right during the gorgeous closing moments of the violinist’s solo a few weeks ago one of you dumbasses had your phone on and of course it had to ring right then. I hope you spend a century in purgatory. Meanwhile, stop coming to the concerts!

Assholes. having a drink with someone does NOT automatically mean they want to have sex with you. haven’t we come further than this, people? assuming they do is rude and disrespectful. sometimes a drink is just a drink. get over yourselves and start thinking with your big head instead of the little one for a change. maybe you’ll have better luck once you start respecting women instead of thinking that everyone just wants to fuck. not to say that sex isn’t great- it is! but only when BOTH people are into it.

✚ ADS ALSO APPEAR AT CITYPAPER.NET/lovehate. City Paper has the right to re-publish “I Love You, I Hate You”™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes re-purposing the ads for online publication, or for any other ancillary publishing projects.

C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | D E C E M B E R 5 - D E C E M B E R 1 1 , 2 0 1 3 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

[ C I T Y PA P E R ]

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