"Renovation" (May/June 2011)

RENOVATION Newsstand Price CDN $4.95

may – june, 2011

contents

may – june, 2011

on the cover

The manly art of renovations SEVEN looks at the manly (and often neglected) art of tackling renovations. Some of us rush in too quickly; others try to avoid the fuss and bother. But renovating can mean more than fixing cars and houses. Tending to relationships with God and others can be a major rebuilding process.

Publisher: Brian Koldyk Managing Editor: Doug Koop Pulse Editor: Robert White Associate Editor: Jerrad Peters

advertising account executives:

features 14 Tune-up time A humourous take on the folly of avoiding renovations until circumstances (sometimes disaster) forces us to take action.

WILLIAM LEIGHTON: william@christianweek.org DARRELL FRIESEN: darrell@christianweek.org JIM HICKS: jhicks@christianweek.org Unless otherwise indicated, neither ChristianWeek nor Promise Keepers Canada guarantee, warrant, or endorse any product, program, or service advertised.

editorial advisory board

18 Crash time A prominent Christian leader suffers a devastating accident.

Discover what keeps him strong on the long road to recovery.

20 Broke, broken, raw and burned out Kyle Mason’s season of suffering is leading to better things.

22 Going down hard Can a young criminal rebuild his life? His mother refuses to lose hope.

KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada PHIL WAGLER: Gracepoint Community Church SANDRA REIMER: Reimer Reason Communications DOUG KOOP: ChristianWeek Distributed by

promise keepers canada 1295 North Service Road PO Box 40599 Burlington, ON L7P 4W1 (905) 331-1830 subscriptions@promisekeepers.ca Postmaster: Please send address changes to PO Box 40599, Burlington, ON L7P 4W1 ISSN 1916-8403

columns

departments

5 PK Podium Be man enough to ask for help 6 Man to Man Ministry to men is a work in progress 25 Money Matters Prioritize your debt 26 Man Talk Say it straight: Face-to-face, man-to-man

8-12 Pulse Curious events. Interesting people. Good ideas.

13 Reviews Stand amazed 28 Power Play Tools. Toys. Technology.

admin@christianweek.org dkoop@christianweek.org Design: Indigo Ink Studios www.indigoinkstudios.com

30 What Women Want The mind reader trap

The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada. one – A Promise Keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer,

Editorial and Advertising Office 204-424 Logan Avenue Winnipeg, MB R3A 0R4 Phone: (204) 982-2060 (800) 263-6695

27 Out of My Depth Painting collapsing walls

SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

Cover: Image, iStockphoto Badges, Neubau Welt

and obedience to God's word in the power of the Holy Spirit. two – A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. three – A Promise Keeper is committed to practising spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity.

four – A Promise Keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love, protection, and biblical values. five – A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of the church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.

six – A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity. seven – A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment (see Mark 12:30-31) and the Great Commission (see Matt 28:19-20).

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PK Podium

Be man enough to ask for help God is the master handyman when it comes to renovating our hearts

by Kirk Giles

I hate asking for help!

The last great renovation project I attempted in my home was painting the bedroom belonging to my two oldest sons.

They wanted their room painted red, and I was excited to do it for them. Needless to say, the room did not come out looking very good. Besides the uneven paint job on the walls, red paint ended up on the white ceiling and on the carpet. To this day, there are pieces of furniture covering the red paint on the carpet.

Renovating and fixing things are not my strength. The people who know me best enjoy mocking my lack of skills as a handyman. My wife is often the person who jumps in to fix things, knowing that I am unable.

Perhaps what challenges my ego the most is when she decides to call another man to come and fix or renovate something in our home. She will call her dad, her brother and other friends of ours when this type of work needs to be done.

There is a pride factor inside of me that says I am the one who should be fixing these things, and there is a shame factor when I know deep down that I can’t.

Yet, in the midst of my pride and shame, my wife knows something that I often refuse to admit—the work still needs to get done.

I believe there are millions of men just like me all over Canada. You might

be a great handyman or a smart business man, but how are you doing in the maintenance and renovations needed regularly in your heart? What about the maintenance and renovations needed in the hearts of all the people you love and want to care for?

Most men do not like to ask for help because it shows a weakness somewhere in our life. We figure we should be able to fix anything, and we work hard to try and do it. The problem is that sometimes, the harder we try to deal with something we are not really capable of dealing with, the more frustrated we become. Those around us become frustrated as well because they know something needs to be addressed.

The only One capable of doing the maintenance and renovation of our hearts is God Himself. God chooses to use many people, ministries and circumstances to accomplish this work. He is always in the work of being a Father to His children.

The spiritually strongest men have always recognized their own inability to maintain and renovate the deepest places of their soul. What these men have had in common is their willingness to ask for help.

As you read this edition of SEVEN, I want to encourage you to pause and be man enough to ask your Heavenly Father for help. Then, watch Him create a masterpiece that any handyman would be proud of.

Kirk Giles is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. He and Shannon have been married for 17 years. They are the parents of four children, ages 8-15.

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man to man

Ministry to men is a work in progress Who is it for? What is it? How does it work?

by Rick Verkerk

In the previous issue of SEVEN I presented the idea of using the phrase “ministry to men” rather than “men’s ministry.” Let’s now examine three questions involving ministry to men at the church level: Who is it for? What is ministry to men? How does it work?

Who is it for? Think about how many men attend your church. Got the number?

That’s the answer. It’s for every man who attends your church. This is really important to remember as you create a strategy for ministry to men. Every guy is part of your ministry to men.

It’s for the guy who is in his car and gone within 10 seconds of the final “amen” It’s for the guy who attends once in a while, the guy who is hurting, the guy who participates in just about everything. It’s for young and old. It’s for each and every guy who attends your church.

What is ministry to men? It is an ongoing process involving multiple opportunities for men to deepen their relationship with God. It is not a Saturday morning men’s breakfast, a Tuesday evening Bible study, a winter retreat or any other activity. These are opportunities for men to strengthen their walk with God but are not what defines ministry to men.

If attendance at these events is the measure, you are not reaching every man at your church. Why? We’re all wired differently. Some of us like study groups, or conferences, or breakfasts or none of these. To develop a vibrant ministry to men, you need to keep two important objectives in mind.

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First, keep the big picture in mind. Your purpose is to help men develop a closer relationship with God. Activities are the ways and means to accomplish this objective.

Second, forget the numbers. By continually presenting different activities, a variety of men will be attracted to participate in some of them. If you have 100 men at your church and six attend a Bible study, 20 attend a Promise Keepers conference, 40 come to a breakfast and 10 help clean up someone’s yard, you’re on track. Don’t worry about how many were at each activity; rather, strive to get each man to at least one activity.

If you have no activities, you have zero participants. Any activity that attracts any man, even once, is 100 per cent better than zero. So think of each activity that has participants as successful no matter what the attendance number is.

How does it work? First, form a leadership team. In brief, this will be a group of men who share a common bond to see every man in your church become a follower of Jesus Christ. It means getting together, praying and developing solid relationships within the team.

Once this is in place you can begin generating ideas about opportunities.

How many should you provide? However many you can think of. Any idea is a good idea. Discuss it for effectiveness, relevancy and timing. Ask if this activity will help men in their walk with God. If the answer is no, take a pass on it. But if it’s yes, do it.

Next, develop a plan and a process to implement the idea. Keep reviewing it for relevancy so you can consistently provide opportunities to meet the current interests and needs of all of the men attending your church. Because you want to avoid any appearance of the “same old same old,” be prepared to make adjustments.

The world is constantly changing and unforeseen opportunities will arise for men to participate in. Natural disasters present opportunities for service work; a guy passing through the area may be a good speaker for a men’s meeting; or a few guys from your church may be hurting and require some teaching on how to deal with it. Be ready for the opportunities as they present themselves.

All of this must not appear to look like a process. Remember, men follow men.

They are not interested in details leading up to the activity. So design everything so it looks and sounds like men will want to participate in this activity. If a guy thinks other men will be there, he is much more inclined to attend.

Need help with any of this? Contact us.

Promise Keepers Canada is dedicated to assisting churches in their ministry to men.

Rick Verkerk is the national manager of events and field ministry for Promise Keepers Canada.

He supervises all PKC events and leads field staff in representing the organization to communities across Canada. Contact him by email at rick@promisekeepers.ca or phone 905.331.1830 ext. 30.

pulse

Curiousities. Personalities.

Ideas. Information.

by Robert White PULSE Editor

ADDICTED TO PORN America is addicted to porn, suggests a piece from www.

OnlinePsychologyDegree.net. Here are some of the statistics cited in the article’s graphic: • Every 30 minutes a porn movie is made in the U.S. • Every second, 30,000 people view porn.

• 42.7 per cent of Internet users view porn.

• There are 68 million pornographic—or 25 per cent of all— search engine requests daily.

• The average age of a person’s first exposure to pornography is 11.

• Men are more than six times as likely to view porn than women, and to spend more time viewing it.

• About 200,000 Americans are addicted—spending 11 hours or more per week looking at porn.

• Consequences of porn addiction: 40 per cent lose their spouses; 58 per cent suffer serious financial losses; 30 per cent lose their jobs.

• Severe clinical depression was reported twice as frequently among Internet porn users compared to non-users.

• Porn use increases infidelity by 300 per cent.

• More than half of divorce cases—56 per cent—involve one person with an obsessive interest in porn.

• Sexual compulsives and sexual addicts are 23 times more likely to say: “discovering online sexual material was the worst thing that ever happened in my life.”

CREDIT CARDS OUTDATED Credit cards may soon join eight-track tapes, beta video and portable CD players in the trash heap. The suggestion that alternative payment methods are making headway was posted on www.mashable.com by Bill Zielke, who’s in charge of creating and selling new products for PayPal. Credit has been around for centuries, wrote Zielke, starting in the early 1800s when merchants let customers buy items without paying upfront. The credit card itself was eventually invented in the early 1950s.

Zielke suggests alternative payment methods may have finally mounted a serious threat to the traditional credit card. He cites a report by Javelin Strategy & Research which notes “online use of credit cards continues to decline.” Total payment volume from credit cards fell from 44 per cent in 2009 to 40 per cent in 2010.

With the Internet becoming “the” place to buy goods and services, without leaving the comforts of home, the credit card has become outmoded. Customers can now use digitized, multicurrency networks, with the swipe of a mobile device or a bump of mobile phones together. The notion of the “mobile wallet” is starting to be realized.

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Zielke suggests “the mobile device holds the key to the future of payments, for both consumers and merchants, because it blurs the lines between online and offline.

“I predict it won’t be long before the credit card will be the alternative payment method and services designed for the online experience from the start will become the norm.”

Here’s his proof (from the Javelin report): The total dollar volume of online alternative payments sales grew to about $43 billion in 2010, up from about $34 billion in 2009; 46 per cent of online buyers have used an alternative payment within the past year; and 91 per cent of online consumers used PayPal.

VIRGINITY MAKES A COMEBACK

FAIR TRADE ABOUT EQUALITY, NOT CHARITY Marking World Fair Trade Day (WFTD) on May 14 means looking past chocolate, coffee, shea butter and crafts. WFTD is also a chance to think about the people behind the products and how Fair Trade improves their lives.

WFTD honours women’s equality, sustainable materials, safe working conditions and programs that teach and empower, as well as fair wages. Everyday buys—from personal accessories to home decor, from furniture to toys, from instruments to paper products, and from skin care to garden accessories—all make a positive difference.

“Fair Trade isn’t about charity,” says Ingrid Heinrichs Pauls, education and media coordinator for Ten Thousand Villages Canada. “It’s about paying people fairly for the work that they do.”

This year’s WFTD is marks Ten Thousand Villages 65th anniversary. The concept began in 1946 when Edna Ruth Byler brought back Fair Trade products from Puerto Rico. This small volunteer project, to gain a market and fair wages for the women, has grown into North America’s largest and oldest Fair Trade organization.

On May 14, Ten Thousand Villages’ 48 stores across the country will hold a variety of events to celebrate WFTD. And the World Fair Trade Organization has a few ideas for do-it-yourself celebrations on its website www.wftday.org, such as hosting a Fair Trade coffee break or tea party or holding a cooking contest using Fair Trade ingredients.

Birds do it, bees do it, but a growing number of teens are choosing not to do it, reports The Globe and Mail. Abstinence is on the rise among teenagers in the United States, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics.

The report, based on interviews taking place between 2006 and 2008 with 13,500 men and women between the ages of 15 to 44, found almost a third of all 15- to 24-year olds hadn’t had any kind of sexual contact with another person.

When it came to males, 27 per cent hadn’t any sexual contact with another person, up from 22 per cent from 2002. For females, the number was 29 per cent, also up from 22 per cent.

Anjani Chandra, an NCHS health scientist and lead author of the study, says the report proves teens aren’t just abstaining from intercourse while engaging in other sexual activity.

“I think a lot of people misconstrue this as meaning they’ve never had vaginal sex. But this is no sexual contact of any kind.

They didn’t have oral sex or anal sex. They didn’t have anything.”

Chandra suggests the increase might be due to sex education and messages about abstinence. The increase might also depend on the truthfulness of the respondents, she says.

DRIVING GAMES MAKE BAD DRIVERS Gamers with high scores in Need for Speed, Gran Turismo or Grand Theft Auto make terrible drivers. When they swap virtual roads for real ones, they’re more likely to crash.

The worrying results come from a study in Britain of 2,000 motorists, commissioned by the Continental Tyre Company. The

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study found gamers are more likely to speed, suffer from road rage, be stopped by police and claim on their car insurance.

They’re also considered “over-confident” by non-gamers and a potential risk because they might repeat their virtual driving approach in the real world. Continental Tyres spokesman Tim Bailey says computer game players require good concentration and improved reaction times.

“However, they can take more risks than non-gaming drivers, possibly due to the lack of real consequence in games,” he added.

“They believe any problem can be solved by resetting their game.”

Gamers also appear to be worse parkers, having crashed into more stationary objects, and are twice as likely to scare others with their antics on the road. The research reveals those who play for more than eight hours a week have been in three times as many accidents as someone who plays for less an hour.

However, the good news for computer geeks is non-gamers take an average of one more attempt at passing their driver’s test and have caused twice as many accidents in the past year.

PARENTS NOT HAPPY The happy, shiny faces parents show often masks their real feelings: worry about the cost of raising a family, suggests a study in Psychological Science.

“The well-being literature shows during the years when most people are parenting, people tend to report lower life satisfaction and lower levels of happiness,” says co-author Steven Mock, assistant professor of health studies and gerontology at the University of Waterloo.

He and Richard Eibach, assistant professor in the university’s psychology department, set out to “explain the disconnect” between reports that show low points in middle age and the idea

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that parenting brings all the joy one could ask for.

In one of their two studies, they recruited a group of 80 parents with children under 18 in the northeastern U.S. Half the group were given material focussed on the costs of raising children: more than US$190,000 to age 18. The other half had the same material, which also included info about the likely benefits of parenting, such as financial and practical support in old age.

Parents primed to mostly think about the costs were more likely to idealize parenting. “It appears …that if you direct parents’ attention to just the financial costs of raising kids, that motivates them to idealize parenting and exaggerate its emotional rewards.

It helps them cope with the conflict about their costs,” sys Eibach.

Researchers point out, in the past, children helped the family earn money by working on farms or bringing home pay. And parents were also less likely to be in tune emotionally with their children. This has changed as children contributed less and cost more.

With that rising cost emerged an idealization and emphasis on the emotional rewards of being a parent, they say. Which isn’t always a bad thing suggests Mock. Research shows those who tend to see and experience things in a more positive light, accurately or not, tend to report better mental health.

CANADIANS WIRED TO THE WEB Canucks spend more time online than anyone else on Earth, says Web research firm comScore. The average Canadian spends 43.5 hours a month on the Web, almost twice the worldwide average of 23.1 hours.

“I can’t really give you a solid answer as to why,” says Darrick Li, comScore account manager, in a Globe and Mail report. “Since 10 years ago, the boom of the Internet, we’ve always been at the top.”

The numbers shouldn’t be surprising.

For years, Canadians have been the most prolific users of Facebook and YouTube.

Late last year when Netflix travelled north, Canadians responded in huge numbers.

Part of the reason is easy access to highspeed Internet. A Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) report states: “Approximately 95 per cent of Canadian households can access broadband services using land-line facilities. Satellite facilities extend this reach to virtually all households and are only limited by capacity constraints.”

The comScore report also shows some interesting trends about who is using the Internet and what they’re doing: The fastest-growing demographic of users is the 55-and-over crowd. The number of older users jumped 12 per cent by the end of 2010. On the other hand, the number of Web users aged 17 or under actually dropped four per cent during the same period.

The split among male and female Web users is almost 50-50. Usage was also relatively consistent across income groups.

Overall, Canadians spent most of their time on directory Web sites such as Google and technology sites. Political news Web sites experienced the biggest year-over-year growth, however, jumping 47 per cent.

SEX IS CHEAP Men seem to be failing in a few areas. As www.slate.com reports, the average income for a 25- to 34-year-old man has fallen by 20 per cent since 1971. And less than half—43 per cent—attend a college or university. But there’s one area, suggests Slate, where young men still succeed: sex.

“What many young men wish for—access to sex without too many complications or commitments—carries the day,” wrote Mark Regnerus. The University of Texas at Austin professor co-wrote Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying.

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AFFIRMING MODESTY Want to know what Christian guys and girls think about modesty? Check out www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey.

The Modesty Survey is an anonymous discussion that began with twin brothers Alex and Brett Harris.

They asked hundreds of Christian girls to submit questions to the 148-question survey. Then, in a 20-day period ending January 2007, they ended up with 1,600 guys (66 from Canada) submitting more than 150,000 answers to the survey, including 25,000 text responses.

Survey categories included swimsuits, shirts/dresses, layering, pants/shorts/leggings, skirts and even posture/movement. Each question asked the guys to answer the question on a spectrum from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree.”

Some examples of questions and replies are: • “Modesty is important for all girls, regardless of height, weight, build, etc.”—0.7 per cent strongly disagree, 0.5 per cent agree, 2.7 per cent neutral, 26.4 per cent agree and 69.8 per cent strongly agree.

• “Showing any cleavage is immodest”—from 2.3 per cent who strongly disagree to 36.6 per cent agree.

• “Jeans are generally immodest, even if they aren’t tight”— 41.6 percent strongly disagree, 35.9 per cent disagree, 8.1 per cent neutral, 9.3 per cent agree and 5.1 per cent strongly agree.

Even though the results have been released, the Harris brothers still want Christian guys to let girls know they affirm biblical standards of modesty. They ask guys to add their names to the Modesty Survey Petition found on the homepage of the survey’s website.

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“If women were more fully in charge of how their relationships transpired, we’d be seeing…more impressive wooing efforts, longer relationships, fewer premarital sexual partners, shorter cohabitations and more marrying going on.

“Instead…none of these things is occurring…The terms of contemporary sexual relationships favour men and what they want…not just despite the fact that what they have to offer has diminished, but in part because of it. It’s all thanks to supply and demand.”

The supply and demand, or “sexual economics,” has men wanting sex more than women do. In one study, good-looking young researchers separately approached opposite-sex strangers on Florida State University’s campus and proposed casual sex.

Three-quarters of the men were game, but not one woman said “yes.”

This means women hold the sexual purse strings. But when they do say “yes,” they don’t ask for much in return, writes Regnerus, suggesting the market price of sex is currently very low.

Easy access to porn and birth control have taken away some of the “price” control from women. Just as critical is that large numbers of men are faring badly in life. This skews the dating pool creating a growing imbalance between the number of successful young women and successful young men. As a result, in many of the places where young people typically meet such as college campuses, women outnumber men.

While young men are failing everywhere but in the bedroom, that may hinder their drive to achieve. As the authors of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality wrote, “Societies in which women have lots of autonomy and authority tend to be decidedly male-friendly, relaxed, tolerant and plenty sexy.” They’re right. But then try getting men to do anything.

Canada East: William Leighton Ph 866.229.6397 william@christianweek.org

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newsflash: men read reach them with your ad message in seven.

Canada West: Darrell Friesen Ph 800.263.6695 darrell@christianweek.org

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reviews

Stand amazed LUKE: THE GOSPEL OF AMAZEMENT

By Michael Card

[devastation and suffering] ought to crumble like those concrete buildings. But faith that isn’t shaken regularly by life isn’t trustworthy either.” And so he leads readers on an honest search to find a durable faith right in the middle of the suffering and uncertainty of this world.

“With every crisis of faith, what we believe is crucified, and we wait expectantly, whether in defeat or joyful hope, to see what part of our faith is resurrected.”

and demonstrate how this experience needs to be reframed with an intentionally different ideology. In a discussionoriented format, they provide a lot of helpful direction. “We believe we can and do find God in the midst of the ordinary world we live in, in spite of how commercial and mass-mediated it is,” they write. “We know that teens are more than the script our consumer culture lays out for them to life by.”

Musician and author Michael Card brings an imaginative approach to the study of Scripture.

“If we are to take our IF GOD, WHY EVIL? A NEW WAY place TO THINK ABOUT THE QUESTION alongside

By Norman L. Geisler the disciples as ones Norman Geisler has been a stalwart to whom these ‘secrets of knowledge’ defender of Christian faith and [able to comprehend meaning in Jesus’ conservative doctrine for more than 50 parables] have been entrusted,” years. With some 70 books and countless he explains, “then we too must learn presentations and debates under his belt, to read, to perceive, to understand he now offers a short volume to address the Bible with our imaginations.” In Luke: the most vexing question of all time: “If The Gospel of Amazement, Card provides CONSUMING YOUTH: God exists, why is there so much evil in a stellar example of how an informed LEADING TEENS THROUGH the world?” Human beings have a very imagination brings biblical truth to life for CONSUMER CULTURE hard time reconciling the fact of suffering people in our day and age. Fully grounded Jon Berard, James Penner and Rick Bartlett with belief in a loving God. Geisler in biblical studies, he brings a poet’s attempts to be absolutely clear about sensitivity to the gospel stories.

Consumer messages bombard young the various dilemmas this issue raises.

He highlights the many people who were people to great effect. The definers of He is concise, putting his responses in amazed, or astonished, or who marveled “cool” are doing a stellar job of reaching by some aspect of Jesus’ life and teaching, an eager audience of teenagers who just “succinct, logical form.” He aims to be comprehensive, raising a host of and encourages us to rediscover the true want to fit in. Market forces play a major questions associated with his topic. And wonder of “this remarkable, mysterious, role in the formation of these pre-adults he wants to be correct, seeing this work as amazing person called Jesus.” and are shaping the next generation as a search for truth. Finally, he says, “This consumers. In Consuming Youth, three book seeks to be comforting. We are not youth workers and pastors share the benefits of their research and experience AFTER SHOCK: SEARCHING FOR interested only in intellectual solutions, in an effort but in HONEST FAITH WHEN YOUR to enlist practical WORLD IS SHAKEN others in

By Kent Annan ones as well.” the big task The book’s of creating “Our lives take place on an unstable planet,” final 15 pages an alterwrites Kent Annan, and he isn’t just talking contain a 14native script point critique about the earthquake that shattered Haiti, for youth to where he has been active with a nonprofit of The Shack, focused on education since 2003. But the live by. They a highly scale of the destruction and the vastness take a hard popular book of the suffering in the country he knows so look at what that Geisler well provide a telling backdrop for the consumer rejects as a variety of after shocks that trouble faith in culture is compromise any person’s life. “Faith that can’t doing to of Christian withstand getting rocked by all this teenagers truth.

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features

Tune-up time An expert at avoiding wonders why he lets things get real bad before he is forced to take care of them.

by John Allen I hate tune-up time. Now I know that some guys get their jollies by fiddling and fixing and generally tuning things up.

(If that’s you, skip this article.) The way I look at it, a tune-up is something the Soprano brothers lay on you. Why would anyone want that?

Trouble is, tune-ups of a closer-to-home sort are often necessary. Sooner or later just about anything gets shabby and rundown if you fail to take care of it properly. Even a living room wall coated with 20-year paint is kaput after 20 years.

Then it’s fix-it time for sure.

Actually, your living room probably never made it anywhere near that long before you put the paint roller into action.

Somebody in your life highlighted the need for renovation—to make something like new—well before two decades passed by. Somebody in your life, hmmm… that thought reminds me that relationships need regular fix-it attention as well.

Some guys are good at all of that.

But for a guy like me, tune-up time (or renovation time; or relationship repair time) shows up more like a pimple on my chin. Life is just rolling nicely along when, out of the blue, an imperfection demands attention. Suddenly something is staring me so hard in the face it cannot be ignored. It must be addressed.

But just attacking the pesky blemish with a belt full of tools won’t necessarily solve the problem. It’s quite possible that will make the situation even worse. That’s why renovation time is basically get-lost

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time for guys like me. I’d rather avoid trouble than court it. Why charge into the battlefield if you can skirt the fracas?

Turn a blind eye The crux of the matter is this: When something (or someone) is due for renovations, it means something is wrong, or at least that it could be better. I don’t like to admit there are things wrong in my life. Admissions like that lead to complicated and troublesome changes.

Sometimes even conflict.

Are you like me? I’m the sort of guy who doesn’t much like seeing things in my home (or life, for that matter) that aren’t humming along just fine. I’ve been known to be selectively deaf or blind. If there is something I don’t want to hear about or see, I have developed ways to shut it out and act as though it doesn’t even exist.

I remember a cupboard in my home that I didn’t like to open. It was under the kitchen sink. When I absolutely needed to use it, I’d simply grab what I was after and shut the door quickly again, taking special care not to notice the crumbs of plaster that were constantly showing up in there.

I knew that if I explored that cupboard situation just a little bit, I would discover all kinds of rot and corruption, which would mean tearing out the old wall and putting in new. And it wouldn’t stop there.

Renovation projects have taught me that one thing inevitably leads to another.

Sure as shooting, once I did get busy under the sink I realized it was time for our

old galvanized pipes to be upgraded.

And while we’re doing that, we thought we might as well move the sink under the window where we really wanted it.

And we couldn’t do that without making some other changes we’d been talking about for 10 years already—new counters and cupboards, possibly a new floor.

By the time we’re done, new appliances will be necessary.

You know the drill, and if you’re at all like me you won’t have the energy (or the money) to see the project through.

So I’m not opening the cupboard door, thank you very much, and when I really have to, I’m for sure not looking.

Not a knife guy Am I the only one who operates this way? I somehow doubt it. I bet some of you don’t tally all your bills or bring your chequebook up to date simply because you know you’re not going to like what you’re certain you will discover. I used to keep a file labeled “procrastination,” where I would throw income tax stuff that I didn’t want to deal with. I doubt if I’m the only man who can block out the sight or sound of my child misbehaving because I don’t have a clue how to deal with his naughtiness. I’m like that.

Life throws us countless situations where facing the truth square on makes us feel uncomfortable and reveals our incompetence. It bothers us because it demands something of us—work, money, time, embarrassment, an admission

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Look them in the eye “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23). Can you honestly repeat that prayer? If we are serious about our Christian walk, we must. Do you have enough integrity to lay yourself bare? For that matter: • Can you look your wife in the eye when you tell her why you came home late from work?

• Can you look your family in the eye when you decide you’re not going to church today?

• Can you look your children in the eye when you tell them why you don’t have time for an activity they desire?

• Can you look your boss in the eye when you give an account of your time?

• Can you look your teacher in the eye when you explain why the homework isn’t done?

• Can you look your prayer partner in the eye when you describe the details of the income tax form you filed?

• Can you look your pastor in the eye when you tell him you cannot attend or help in a particular function?

• Will you be able to look your spiritual Father in the eye when He asks how you spent your time and energy?

— John Allen

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Tune-up time

that we’ve made a mistake. One way or another, we don’t like it because it costs us.

And so we pretend not to notice.

But here’s something else I’ve learned. Not looking or not knowing does not make the problems go away. Most of us know that even if we do ignore it.

Our unwillingness to accept the obvious doesn’t spare us the consequences of our neglect; it just keeps us ignorant. What we really need is to face the facts and do whatever needs doing. Right!

This business of facing the facts reminds me of a short Bible passage that makes the same point (so to speak).

“Indeed, the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12).

I’m not much of a knife guy either. Okay, I do enjoy hauling out a reciprocating saw and going nuts with it every once and a while. That’s a guy thing, right? But I don’t like getting cut, either by accident or intentionally. It hurts. But here’s this Bible writer saying that the Word of God is like a very sharp cutting tool, and in those days he was probably thinking about a Roman soldiers’ sword—an executioner’s tool.

People who are about to die have a remarkable ability to concentrate on what’s truly important. And that’s what comes clear next in this passage. The truth of God’s Word “[pierces] until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions

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of the heart. And before him no creature is hidden, but all are naked and laid bare to the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account” (Hebrews 4:12,13).

Laid bare Wow! I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I want the thoughts and intentions of my heart on public display, laid bare before the big boss (whoever she is). If I believe that anyone is going to see what’s really going on with me, I want my house in order. I want things fixed. I want them cleaned up. I don’t want leaky pipes, crumbling drywall or mildew under the carpet. I want to cut things back to the bare studs and rebuild anew.

Actually, I’m kind of glad the Bible verse doesn’t say God’s Word is a sword.

No, it says that it’s sharper than one of them destructive things. And that reminds me of a different kind of cutting tool, the kind I trust only the most skilled and highly trained people to wield.

I’m thinking of a surgeon’s scalpel.

It’s one thing to go hacking at a renovation project; it’s another to go after the problem parts with precision.

The good news is that not everything needs to be cut out. Lots of things are healthy.

This isn’t me in a macho mood with a reciprocating saw. This is a skilled surgeon working to excise disease, a master carpenter crafting a joint that will hold strong even though it’s unlikely anyone will ever see it.

Getting cut is painful, but it need not be lethal. The kind of cutting that God’s Word does is its ability to lay us bare before our spiritual judges; to put all the facts on display. What form the cutting takes from there on out depends on how we respond to the truth that unfolds. Fighting the truth uncovered by this disclosure can lead to spiritual execution and eternal death.

Or, if we submit to the surgeon, it can lead to spiritual surgery that restores us to an everlasting life.

Most of us will choose to submit to surgery if we realize we have something that needs cutting out, and if we trust the knife-wielder. But we have to submit. We are not the ones to be giving instructions at this point. We don’t tell the doctor what to do. We don’t gain anything if we choose to fight the physician.

Renovation of the soul occurs when we are willing to come to come to terms with the truth in our lives. We need to open those cupboards, expose the rot and get on with the rebuilding task. Tune-up time is designed to put you in better working order. Tell that to the Sopranos.

John Allen is a middle-aged writer with a house that needs some fixing. He’d rather read a book and barbecue a hamburger than patch drywall and install attic vents. But he ends up doing those things too, and everyone is the better for it.

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Great renovations “Indeed, the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword…”

That word “indeed” links to some teaching about the reward of being in a place of perfect relaxation and contentment. The cutting activity of the Word of God has everything to do with experiencing “rest.” Ultimately this is the rest of heaven, but it is also helpful to think in terms of a sense of basking in the satisfaction of a job well done. Rest is: • a cool cup of lemonade after the lawn is mowed; • the feeling a carpenter gets when an oak cabinet is finished to perfection; • the feeling a housekeeper feels when a floor shines; • the feeling a writer gets when a manuscript is published and appreciated; • the feeling a preacher gets when a sermon hits home; • the feeling a mechanic gets when a malfunctioning car is safely on the road again; • what a musician feels after a bravo performance.

But we don’t just want this feeling for a single achievement or accomplish–ment.

We want this feeling of total contentment, of rest, to be the judgment of our entire life. That means taking care of the daily business of doing whatever needs to be done. This is what it takes to be renewed daily. These are great renovations.

— John Allen

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by Robert White

A horrific highway accident took Denys Blackmore from his busyness as the executive director and CEO of a national ministry to a full stop.

On September 19, 2009, Blackmore was returning to his Guelph home from Toronto’s Pearson International Airport.

He’d just come back from Calgary, where he’d picked up the largest donation Every Home for Christ (EHC) Canada had ever received for its ministry of spreading the gospel across Canada and around the world.

Blackmore rounded a corner on the twolane Highway 7 when he saw headlights.

“It took a few seconds to register that they were heading to my side of the road,” recalls Blackmore. “I had split seconds to react and remember trying to steer towards the ditch.”

Blackmore survived the crash

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which killed the other driver. Rescuers took an hour to pry him out of the wreckage and put him in an ambulance heading to a local hospital. From there a helicopter flew him to St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto.

Hospital staff worked on Blackmore’s shattered body: fractures to the sternum, L2 vertebrae, pelvis and both legs.

Complicating the injuries to the right leg was a 30-year-old bone graft from a cancer treatment. Blackmore’s time in St. Michael’s was spent mostly on his back.

Extensive physiotherapy, beginning at St. Michael’s and then at a rehab centre, helped him gradually sit, stand and walk.

“The big story for me is that, by nature, I have a number of irons in the fire. But I went from that state to a complete stop in seconds. Of having to go into a mode of resting on others and on God for

everything,” says Blackmore.

A couple of images buoyed Blackmore during his hospital stay.

“One was a picture of large rectangular rock made out of most precious stones and metals all melded together. And a whisper in my thoughts to ‘just lay back on the rock.

From the rock will flow into you all that’s needed for life and recovery.’

“All I could say was ‘wow.’”

The other came to Blackmore after listening to an old gospel song: “Holding my Saviour’s hand/viewing the promised land/nothing in earth can stop me/For I’m holding my Saviour’s hand.”

“The picture in my mind was of a huge muscular man and a little boy holding his hand, walking down the road,” says Blackmore, noting that except for the first few days, he took little pain medication.

“It’s vivid even today.

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Shattered in body, but not in spirit When a horrific car accident caused extensive injuries, Denys Blackmore learned more about resting in God.

“The experience in early days carried me above injuries. There were always words or line of old song or chorus spoke profound truths about God. They struck like arrows and gave indescribable moments of God’s personal presence.”

Three months to the day of the accident, Blackmore arrived home to more challenges. In his blog (http://denysrecovery.wordpress.com), he writes: “Being at home without the special equipment and support such as a bed that raises and lowers with the push of a button, quickly made me realize just how physically weak I am and how far I have to go.

“In the hospital I had this vivid sense of being carried. As I gain strength and get back into life, I’ve now picked up [part of] the load of the journey of life. Bit by bit it’s small portions. More back to spiritual

disciplines of devotion and practices that were a deliberate act—like it was before the crash.

“If I’m tired, worn or stressed, I have to stop and remember the blessings and keep my eyes on Jesus.”

Blackmore’s restoration and rehabilitation isn’t finished. Another surgery in April was supposed to help the mobility in his right leg. And at the time the article was written, he still wasn’t back at work.

“Although I’m not where I would like to be in this recovery process nor do I know ultimately what I will be left with for the long term, I am often reminded of not only how far I’ve come but also that my survival is a miracle in itself…The doctors have said it can take several years to reach the ultimate recovery plateau,” he blogged in February.

“I rest in His peace,” he says. “There’s more uncertainty about my limitations 18 months later than had six months after accident.

“But in the words of an old song, ‘many things about tomorrow/I don’t seem to understand/but I know who holds tomorrow/and I know who holds my hand’—a giant of a man holding the hand of a little boy.”

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features

Season of suffering keeps Kyle on course Broke, broken, raw and burned out.

Kyle Mason doesn’t talk about “the low period” very often.

The 32-year-old founder and director of the North End Family Centre in Winnipeg has more than enough to do helping create a healthier and safer community in a troubled part of the city. But a season of shattering in his life has played a pivotal role in a renewed call to the neighbourhood where he grew up. And so he’s willing to talk about it.

One day he was leading a successful fundraising campaign and building a ministry to the acclaim of a community. A few months later he was making a meager living manning the night desk and mopping up puke in a homeless shelter.

“A high dosage of suffering in a relatively short period has humbled me,” says the Pentecostal minister. “It has taught me to be quicker to listen and slower to speak. It has strengthened the important things in my life—my family, my friendships and my relationship with God.” Kyle was a good kid from a poor, single parent household and a regular at an evangelical church near his childhood home. He went on to Bible college,

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became a youth minister in his early 20s and also served in street level ministries.

In 2006 he and his wife moved to Dryden, Ontario where Kyle led the efforts of local churches to expand and operate a food bank, and Arlene worked as an addictions counsellor in a methadone clinic. Their jobs went well.

“I was part of dramatic and tremendous growth during the year I was there,” he recalls. Soon after he accepted the job of directing the food bank, the board decided to expand. His first task was to raise the wherewithal to purchase and renovate a new building with much larger capacity.

He went at it with gusto, and succeeded beyond expectations. He was working with 10 different churches as well as civic authorities. It turned out to be a high profile position that had him on the go from early till late. Arlene’s job was also high profile and controversial. She too enjoyed success.

Fishbowl isolation But the couple, both accustomed to being surrounded by family, increasingly

by Doug Koop

felt isolated and alone. It was a fishbowl existence. People were friendly, but the newcomers had no real roots in the community, no network of trusted supporters.

Kyle and Arlene were overjoyed when she became pregnant; they were absolutely shattered when the baby was stillborn. “It leveled us,” says Kyle. And it highlighted their isolation. “We felt the great distance of family and decided we needed to re-connect.”

So they resigned and moved to Saskatoon. “We went with no jobs. We were broke, broken, raw and burned out.”

Before long Kyle landed a well-paying job with a rent-to-own company. But within two weeks he realized he couldn’t keep it because he felt it “fleeced the poor.” He resigned. On his second last day the regional supervisor came by and offered him more money, more training and a shop of his own within a short time.

“But I realized that the things I didn’t like about the job wouldn’t change,” he says.

“And I’d be even more deeply involved in something I thought was wrong.” So he took a job that paid 30 per cent less as the

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evening front desk worker and janitor at The Salvation Army.

“I was still burned out. My wife was not working. My life was in pieces and I was sad. Thankfully, my marriage was not in danger. We got closer and closer to each other.” Meanwhile, Kyle’s mind was running amok with possibilities of things to do. Should he get more education?

Should he find another church to pastor?

“Everything was up in the air. I was changing my mind all the time. I spent months in that loop.”

Internal shift After nearly a year in Saskatoon he began to feel an internal shift. “I knew I would stay in ministry, but I didn’t know what. During devotions one day I told Arlene I had decided where we should go.

‘Me too,’ she replied. ‘Write it down,’ I said.

We each did, and when we turned our papers over we had both written ‘Winnipeg.’”

Arlene, who had been turned down for jobs in Saskatoon, applied for one in Winnipeg and was hired immediately.

They moved into a 400-square-foot

basement suite that “happened” to be on the same street where Kyle grew up. He began to look at the needs around him and spent a year doing community assessment and fundraising before launching the North End Family Centre in October 2009.

“Growing up in this neighbourhood I’ve seen a lot of ministries come and go,” he says. “This isn’t about being quick. Real change takes time. We want to walk a long journey with people through consistent and persistent relationship. And we want to see long term transformation.”

But the centre had barely opened its doors when the Masons were hit by another setback. Arlene was struck with thyroid cancer. She required surgery and treatments and had to take six months sick leave from her job. Just when the ministry most demanded his time and attention, Kyle needed to be present to his wife.

“If it weren’t for a good team around me, I don’t know how it would have survived,” he says. Mason credits his board of directors and Tara Janzen, a young minister who worked without pay for a

year and continues on partial salary.

“The choices that have been right for us as a family have not been good to us financially,” comments Kyle.

Fifteen months down the road, Arlene has been declared cancer-free and is rediscovering energy she thought she’d lost. The North End Family Centre often hosts more than 60 people a day in a space much too small. The centre is meeting community needs, including providing a couple of good machines for people to do their laundry. It provides a wide range of programs that assist families struggling with poverty.

For now, Kyle and Arlene are still living in the small basement apartment. He and Tara are still on partial salary. The hurt of losing a child is still a present pain.

But Kyle is at peace with his situation and with God. He is comfortable with his calling. “Not everyone is able to create a job out of his passion, goals and life experience,” he says.

Discover more about the North End Family Centre at www.northendfamilycentre.org

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 21

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Going down hard

Can a young criminal rebuild his life?

by Kory Douglas

The young man was walking nonchalantly, just another expressionless face in the pedestrian bustle of the downtown sidewalk. He was wearing a clean white jacket and his hands were thrust deep in his pockets as he sauntered into the large bus shelter where I was sitting with my back against the wall and a watchful eye on the traffic out front.

As he passed in front of me I noticed a commotion in the street. A police car pulled to a sudden stop and two officers leaped into action, springing from the car and sprinting into the shelter like dogs after a rabbit.

He never saw them coming.

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They jumped him from behind and he went down hard, his face smacking the tile like a steak slabbed on a butcher block.

He didn’t cooperate at first, but neither did he fight. He just lay unyielding and unbending as the officer’s knee ground hard into his back, harshly wrestling rigid wrists into cuffs.

But once the officers got him secured, the young man went abruptly limp and whatever spirit he had seemed to seep into listless compliance. “Do you have any drugs on you?” asked an officer.

“Yes.” “Where?”

“In my right pocket.”

“This one?” asked the officer, grabbing hard and high at the outer side of the young man’s pant leg. A muffled “yes” issued from the mouth on the floor. The cop wrenched his hand into the tight pocket and came out with a baggie of brown powder.

“Any money?”

“Sixteen dollars … in my left pocket.”

They extracted it.

“Any weapons?”

“No.” “Anything else in your pockets?”

“A lighter.”

Arrested The action was happening less than two metres from my perch on the bench. I never moved. The officers took away the lighter, hauled the young man roughly to his feet and gave him a full pat down with his face squished up against the wall.

They were not gentle. There was no more “That’s a sign of weakness. If you show fear, chatter in the shelter. People gave the they’ll make you rat on your friends. You police a respectful clearing to do their got to be tough, and the way to do that is business and mostly kept their eyes to to act like you don’t care.” themselves.

“You’re under arrest for trafficking drugs. A mother knows Do you understand?”

But the tough exterior, she continued, A meek “yes.” is a facade. A mother knows, because the With these formalities out of the way, same young man who deals drugs, plays the officers frog-stepped the young man cat-and-mouse with the police and fights out of the shelter and stuffed him into the crazily in the midnight parking lot will also back seat of the cruiser. I had a front row cuddle—shaking with fears and brimming seat as they passed two feet before me. with tears—with the mother who holds He seemed so young; so docile; so clean; him tight and prays that the tender shoots so full of positive potential; so ill-prepared of his conscience that seek her face in the to face the penalties for drug trafficking—a lonely times will not be trampled on the yellow ducky in a pool of piranhas. asphalt of his bravado.

But it is the blank palette of his face She knows that the drugs can be a big that sticks with me still. No emotion part of the problem. They distort reality, registered there—no anger, no fear, no damage healthy bodies, promote criminal remorse, no sadness, no aggression. Not activity and raze relationships. She also even a hooded shimmer of contempt. He knows that apathy is a callous that builds seemed so indifferent to the fact that this unwittingly on those sensitive souls still incident seriously jeopardized his yearning for love and affection, care and prospects for life. concern. She knows that macho poses can Later I recounted the incident and my conceal the better qualities of character strong impression of his apparent lying dormant deep within. unconcern to a group of friends and She knows, furthermore, that jail colleagues. I just didn’t get it! How could generally nurtures the wrong impulses. It he not care? What kind of circumstance kills kindness and stifles the human spirit. turned a robust young man into such a It’s a school for deviance, not restoration. cold-faced automaton?

She knows this from bitter experience.

“Oh, I get that,” replied one of my And she knows that the young man who listeners. And the story was sad, for she’d went down so hard in front of me is seen the same stolid face on one of her putting on a mask of unfeeling he might sons who’d lived for a season on the one day grow into. wrong side of the law. “You can’t show She prays he will encounter a emotion to police officers,” she explained. softhearted listener and another chance.

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 23

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seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 24

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money matters

Prioritize your debts Tackling money issues head on will save future pain

by Paul Emerton

Many of us shudder at the word “debt.”

It can suggest weakness and servitude, obligations and liabilities. Some of us recall old stories of debtors’ prisons.

Being “in debt” sounds sinful.

The world, however, could not function economically without debt. Debt is simply one side of a coin; the other side is credit.

Like many aspects of life, debt becomes a problem when it is abused. This, as many Canadian families know, can occur with surprising ease and speed. Wishing away debt doesn’t work. Dealing with it usually succeeds. Here’s how: Understand the three kinds of debt Believe it or not, there is such a thing as good debt. Which means, of course there is also bad debt. And in the middle is not-so-bad debt. Dealing with debt begins by categorizing it in this manner and assigning priorities to reduce and eliminate it.

Good debt enables us to achieve worthwhile goals in a financially sound way. A mortgage on our house, with a low interest rate and easily handled monthly payments, is a good debt. It provides a place to live and raise our family, and builds home equity—the difference between the value of our home and the mortgage balance—over many years.

A student loan may qualify as a good debt depending on the amount and the ability of the graduating student to handle payments when he or she launches a career.

Bad debt is money owed for nonessential purchases. A new spring jacket that looks like a million dollars may not cost that much, but if the purchase is made with a credit card, its allure may vanish long before the bill is paid. Most bad debt builds not through large single purchases but from small multiple purchases. Many are forgotten until the monthly credit card statement arrives and we have little to show for the money we spent.

Some bad debts are foolish in the extreme. Borrowing money for gambling or to satisfy a habit for drugs or alcohol are the most dramatic examples. If these occur, eliminating the debt must be accompanied with plans to eliminate the behaviour causing it.

Not-so-bad debt may include a bank loan to redo a kitchen or add a new bathroom. Both can add value to our home.

Some debts are incurred by necessary purchases, such as replacing a broken down furnace or refrigerator. These notso-bad debts should not be a concern as long as the payments are easily within our budget.

For several reasons, bad debt should be given first priority when it comes to improving our financial situation. The biggest reason is the interest rate.

Take an interest in the interest Most Canadians have little or no knowledge of the interest charged against their debts, especially debts from credit and charge cards. This is disturbing because interest on outstanding debts is money that buys us nothing but time— and time comes at a very high price.

Credit card companies charge as much as 18 to 20 per cent annually on outstanding balances. Retail store charge card rates are even higher; one large Canadian chain store charges a hefty 28.8 per cent annually on unpaid balances.

When we compare these rates with annual interest paid on high interest savings accounts of two per cent or less, and mortgage rates hovering below six per cent, we see how costly these credit and charge cards can be.

Credit is a loan, and all loans are defined as either secured or unsecured.

The mortgage on our house is secured because the mortgage lender can claim the house and property if we fail to repay the loan. This reduces the risk and justifies a lower interest rate. Credit cards represent

unsecured loans; only our promise to repay the money provides any assurance to the creditor. When the risk goes up, so does the interest rate.

The allure of too much credit Despite the risk, credit cards are enormously profitable to the issuers. That’s why those of us with good credit ratings are offered so many credit cards, sometimes with spending limits as high as $10,000, $20,000, $50,000 or even more.

The offers are both flattering and tempting, and many of us accept these cards, saying “You never know when you may need the money.” Just because a lender offers this credit does not mean we have to accept it, and we shouldn’t. Almost every income earner in Canada needs fewer credit cards, not more. One low-cost credit card will do the job. All the others should be cut up and discarded.

How much is too much?

A large number of Canadians are in serious debt without knowing it. As long as they can handle their monthly minimum payment on the charge and credit cards, they believe they are not in trouble. The most serious debts to tackle for most people are their credit card payments, and these should represent their first priority.

The general guideline for monthly payments to credit cards and all consumer loans is 15 per cent of after-tax income.

For a family with a monthly net income of $5,000, this means no more than $750 each month should be diverted to them.

If your debt payments are exceeding 15 per cent of your net income, let’s start doing something about it.

Paul Emerton is a Certified Financial Planner and Trainer at FaithLife Financial. For further information call 1-800-563-6237, email moreinto@faithlifefinancial.ca or visit www.faithlifefinancial.ca

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 25

man talk

Connect over coffee and dig beneath the surface There are things that must be said face-to-face, man-to-man.

by Michael Krahn

Having a conversation is relatively easy.

You find another person, you find a topic you’re both familiar with and then (hopefully) you begin to discover that you agree on a lot of things. Simple, right?

But it doesn’t always happen this easily; sometimes a bit more effort is required. When this is the case, asking someone out for coffee to have a conversation can be pretty frightening. So frightening in fact that we often delay the effort or try to avoid the situation altogether.

I used to be an expert at this kind of avoidance. Even when I did set the odd one up, there was always often a nagging desire to cancel. My inner voice (the one I should have ignored) told me I didn’t need to go, that it was a selfish waste of time when I could be doing more productive things.

But we know that talking is not just necessary; it is also good and healthy.

There are things that must be said face-toface, man-to-man.

I found that every time I did follow through (I didn’t always), the talk would go really well. And even when it went kind of late into the night, I didn’t really want it to end. I began to look forward to these meetings. Sometimes the voice of doubt was still there but I pushed through and I have been enormously blessed through the years.

So how can you make these conversations happen and see that they’re effective when they do?

Initiate. There are a lot of men who need someone to talk to. But it’s also true

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that the men who need to talk the most are the least likely to initiate a conversation. Be the one who initiates.

Be humble and vulnerable. Nobody wants to meet more than once with the guy who knows everything and has it all together. You don’t know everything and you don’t have it all together so don’t pretend to. Every person you meet knows more about something than you do. Find out what it is and learn from him. More often than not when I do this I find out that I don’t know as much as I think I do, and that certainly helps my humility—and I need a lot of help with humility.

Be bold and challenging. Men respond to boldness so say blunt, challenging things. Recognize that many men had poor or non-existent relationships with their fathers and as a consequence they have no experience with being spoken to as a man, by a man. Be the man that speaks to them this way.

Expect conflict. Actually, make it a requirement! “Iron sharpens iron; stone sharpens stone,” the Bible tells us.

We forget that this sharpening involves friction, and that friction means heat and probably some sparks. These are good things; no sharpening happens without them.

We won’t form lasting and fruitful friendships if we simply stop talking every time we disagree. A friendship can’t survive, of course, if discussions always turn into disagreements but perpetual platitudes are no recipe for success either.

Expect to change. You often hear that talking doesn’t really change anyone’s mind; that everyone has decided what they believe and nothing you say will have any effect. This is a lie that you certainly should not believe. God often uses the words of other people to change our minds about things we believe that are actually false.

In Ephesians, Paul tells us to be wise and to make the best use of our time. Paul himself modeled this by working hard, speaking boldly and mentoring other men—instructing them to be imitators of him, as he was of Christ. We should be bold enough to tell each other the same thing.

God has used conversations over coffee as times of immense blessing in my life that have led to a lot of positive change. And I hope that I’ve been a blessing to the many men who have sat on the other side of the table.

Speaking the truth in love doesn't mean everything you say will please the person you’re talking to, but if it is said in love it will always be ultimately constructive. As fellow believers, God has given us a responsibility to influence the outcome of each other’s lives. This is a huge responsibility and we had better take it seriously.

Michael Krahn is a husband, father, pastor, writer, recording artist and blogger. He enjoys books, theology, technology and the Ottawa Senators.

Read more at www.michaelkrahn.com/blog

Out of my depth

Painting collapsing walls Good advice may look pretty, but a solid foundation it isn’t

by Mark Buchanan

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York, makes a distinction between Good News and good advice. Much contemporary preaching, he says, is no more than good advice: how to be a wise steward, good parent, affectionate spouse, nice adolescent. It’s not that this has no value. Clearly we’d rather have the above list than a church filled with misers and wastrels, parental tyrants and emotional infants, boors and shrews, sloths and vandals.

The problem is that good advice is only empowered by Good News. Good advice is a lovely addendum to Good News, but a sickly substitute for it. If our life is like a house, good advice makes for nice decorations but disastrous foundations.

Solid foundations can only be laid with Good News.

I need to be, and know I am, radically and totally forgiven, loved and made new in order to act meaningfully on any good advice. Otherwise, I’m just painting the walls of a collapsing house. I need to look at the cross and know my sins are nailed there, and look at the empty tomb and know I too get to walk out of my own grave one day, if I’m to care at all about being a better neighbour or kinder husband.

And I need to know that I can become these better things, not by trying harder, but by trusting more. The power that raised Jesus from the dead—Good News indeed!—is also at work in me—Good News indeed! As my friend Graham Cooke says, when we know the favour God has put on us and the power God has put in us, you’d have to be a stork to mess it up.

But we mess it up anyhow. And it’s why

good advice always falls short.

Keller has a vivid way of illustrating the difference between Good News and good advice. He asks his listeners to imagine going back to the time of Jesus and gathering, on some Judean hilltop, a ragtag of farmers, cobblers, tax-collectors, soldiers, hustlers, whores—the usual suspects. You stand up and announce that you have something important to say, and then proceed to tell them the seven secrets of a dynamic marriage, or the five steps to financial freedom or how to raise happy, healthy and holy kids. People would start to walk out on you five minutes into it.

They do not need good advice, not first, not most. They need Good News. They need to know God is with them and for them.

They don’t need good advice, not first, not most. They need Good News. They need to know God is with them and for them. They need to know they are forgiven and that there is a power that frees them to forgive. They need to know this world does not have the last word. They need to know there is another King who even Caesar must bow the knee to, and His Kingdom is forever.

They need to know that mercy triumphs over judgment and life conquers death and love casts out fear.

As I age, I need Good News—to hear it, to speak it, to believe it, to live it—even more than I did when I started this race.

Frankly, at 50, and nearly 30 years born again, I thought I’d be further along than I am. I am still capable of astonishing acts of selfishness. I can be petty, grumpy, lustful, cynical, cold-hearted with minimal provocation. I resort to fear, judgement and evasion with stunning quickness. My first thought in most instances is what’s in it for me or how much will it cost me.

And people pay me to be their pastor.

So I cling to the cross. I go daily to that place where my burdens are lifted, and mercy falls, and claim it all over again.

And I rejoice in the resurrection. I go daily to that place where death lost its sting and got swallowed up in victory, and place my hope in it all over again.

Jesus did not come to those near and to those far to give good advice. He came to announce Good News. The Kingdom has come. The enemy is defeated. A new age has begun. A new King is enthroned.

Full pardon is extended. And you and I get to inherit it all.

Such Good News. So good, in fact, even a little good advice from time to time can’t diminish it.

Mark Buchanan is a author and pastor living on Vancouver Island. The author of several best-selling books, his most recent title is Spiritual Rhythm.

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 27

power play

Great games. Great toys.

Great gadgets.

Reviews by Sandy McMurray

BARBER SHOP SHAVE

BBQ SMOKER BOX

www.fendrihan.com/

www.williams-sonoma.com

Shaving each morning can be chore, or it can be a pleasure. After years of using canned shaving cream and cheap disposable razors, a friend at work introduced me to his morning shaving ritual. It changed my life. My morning now begins with a warm brush and a rich lathering shaving cream that gives me a closer, smoother shave than anything outside a barbershop. Every shave feels luxurious. I also use an aftershave that smells great going on but doesn’t linger to annoy me (or my coworkers).

I hesitated at first to pay $13 for shaving cream, but this luxury has actually saved me money. It took me nearly a year to use up the first tub of cream.

I switched to a slightly more expensive disposable razor and I think I’m ready for the next step: buying one good safety razor with blades and saying goodbye to disposables. If this sounds good to you, fire up your favourite web browser and go to fedrihan.com for a good selection of brushes, creams, aftershaves, and razors.

I recommend J. M. Fraser’s classic shaving cream followed by Booster iced lime aftershave. The great feeling lasts all day.

For some people, warmer weather means it’s time to take the cover off the barbecue. For others, it just means you don’t have to wear boots or shovel a path through snow when it’s grilling time.

Either way, deck and patio season is here.

When I was growing up, grilling meant charcoal. These days, most Canadians have switched to propane or gas barbecues. This has its advantages— propane is certainly cheaper and more convenient—but I sometimes miss the smoky flavour of charcoal grilling. Enter the smoker box, a grill accessory with a lower compartment that can be filled with anything from wood chips to fragrant herbs. As the box heats up, the smoke rises through a perforated tray to give the meat above whatever smoky flavour you want to add. If your BBQ has a lid, you can remove the lid from the smoker box and flavour everything on the grill. Mmm...

BBQ SMOKER BOX

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 28

PERSONAL JET PACK www.jetlev.com

Boys of all ages dream of flying.

Everyone wants a jetpack, but no one has figured out how to make one that is safe and affordable. Traditional jetpacks in most science fiction are fire-breathing gas tanks you strap on your back. No one really considers that a good idea. One Canadian company seems to have this figured out. The innovative Jetlev R200 PERSONAL JET PAK

uses water instead of fire for propulsion.

The R200 grabs water from below and pumps it through a hose to a jetpack on your back. The propulsion engine, fuel and related systems are stowed in a small boat that floats behind you. It’s not exactly flying—you can’t get too far away from the water below without losing your fuel supply—but the Jetlev’s design solves the fire safety problem, and the thrust-toweight ratio that made previous jetpack designs to cumbersome. After years in development, the Jetlev R200 will finally hit the market this summer. The affordability problem remains, however.

The manufacturer’s suggested retail price for the 2011 model is a cool $99,500 US.

UNIVERSAL WRAPPING PAPER www.fabiomilito.com

Wrapping paper is like burning money.

It sounds like something you should be able to buy in bulk, on a big roll, like aluminum foil or wax paper. Unfortunately, different occasions call for different kinds of wrapping paper. You can’t use the same paper for birthdays, anniversaries, graduation and weddings. Or can you?

Fabio Milito, a designer and art director, had a brilliant idea: universal wrapping paper. Why spend good money buying different kinds of wrapping paper for different occasions when one simple design will do? Simply print your own paper, then circle the occasion to personalize it. Brilliant!

power play

POP VINYL FIGURES www.funko.com

Small things are cute. At least, that’s my theory. Take any thing, make a smaller version of it, and people will think it’s cute.

(Babies are cute, and they’re small people.

I believe I’ve made my point.) Batman is not cute. Iron Man is not cute. Pop vinyl figures of these characters, however, are small and very, very cute. Funko, the toy company, makes Pop vinyl figures of many licensed characters from comic books, movies, music and more. Check ‘em out at funko.com

GARAGEBAND

enjoy the experience of playing musical notes on the built-in drums, guitar and keyboard. But GarageBand for iPad is much more than a toy. It comes with prerecorded loops of music, plus powerful editing tools that turn you into a DJ and a music producer. You can even connect electric guitars and other music instruments to the iPad, then record and edit your songs with the GarageBand app.

GarageBand for iPad is an impressive demonstration of what the iPad can do, and a fun way to play and record music.

GarageBand for iPad sells for just $4.99. It works with the original iPad and the new iPad 2.

www.apple.com/ipad

GarageBand for iPad is a collection of high quality musical instructions and an eight-track recording studio, all built into one amazing little software application.

Even if you don’t play a musical instrument in real life, you can use the iPad’s touch screen to play and record keyboards, guitars, drums and basses using simple multi-touch gestures. Socalled “smart” instruments play pre-recorded loops that respond to your touch. You can lay down one track, then play it back and record another. On one level, GarageBand is a toy. Children will

HANDY DAD PROJECTS www.chroniclebooks.com

Handy Dad is an illustrated guide to 25 projects for dads and kids to do together.

There are simple projects that can be completed in an evening or afternoon, like making a lava lamp or a water-pressure rocket, and weekend projects, like building a bike jump, a go-cart, or a zip line. The author of Handy Dad is Todd Davis, extreme sports athlete, designer and father of two boys. With Todd’s simple instructions, plus materials from around the house (or the nearest Home Depot), GARAGEBAND: RECORDING

you can build your own slip-and-slide, tree house or water balloon launcher. The book features colour photos and detailed illustrations for each project so you won’t get lost. You can sample the book for free!

Go to chroniclebooks.com and search for Handy Dad to get free instructions to build a Lion Mane Tire Swing.

Sandy McMurray writes about games, gadgets and toys at funspot.ca GARAGEBAND: BASS GUITAR

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 29

What women want

The mind reader trap Truly cherishing your wife can help you avoid some big blow-outs

by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Women think too much. We overanalyze, pay too much attention to silly details and take things far too seriously.

It got us into trouble when we were 16 and phoning all our friends to decipher what that guy meant when he said, “Well, see you around.” And it gets us into trouble today.

We overanalyze everything you say and do, imputing rather nefarious motives to anything that remotely whiffs of taking us for granted. And because we believe marriage is the perfect union between two souls, we don’t like to be in trouble alone.

So we bring you into it.

Hence that dangerous scenario that often occurs when you’re whistling to yourself while driving home from church.

You’re thinking what a lovely day it is, and how you’re going to spend the whole afternoon goofing off, and how happy you are that you don’t have to work until tomorrow, when it occurs to you that the reason you’ve been able to think these thoughts is that the woman sitting next to you is not talking.

Immediately your husband-in-trouble antenna goes up. “What’s wrong, Honey?” you ask in trepidation. She crosses her arms, looks out the passenger window, and then spits, “Nothing.”

During the first few years of marriage, you likely took her at her word, and thus made things immeasurably worse. You are now smart enough to want to avoid the big blow out which is clearly on its way, and thus you know you shouldn’t accept her “nothing.” But she’s not leaving you much to work with. “You look like something’s wrong. Can you tell me what it is?”

“It’s nothing,” she replies again, lips pursed.

seven – issue eighteen may – june, 2011 page 30

Unfortunately, you men are not presented with translators of the female brain upon your wedding, and thus these little episodes must be extremely confusing. You have no idea what you did wrong, but you’re pretty sure you’re now in the doghouse. And she expects you to figure out why.

Let me be of service here. You must understand one simple thing: your wife wants to feel as if you cherish her completely; as if she is the most important thing in the world to you—more important than your mother, your job or your football game. And so anytime you do anything that gives the impression that she is not the apple of your eye, she feels hurt.

Now I know that you guys do cherish your wives. The problem comes in our definition of the word “cherish.” You think it means that you married her, live with her, raise kids with her, hang out socially with her and have sex with her. After all, you don’t do these things with anyone else, so obviously you cherish her, right?

Not so fast. That’s not her definition of cherish. Her definition of cherish is that you spend time every day thinking about how lucky you are to have her. It’s not about how you live; it’s about how you feel.

So when you’re in public and you interrupt her, you’re not cherishing—even if you were just excited about the conversation. If she gets her hair cut and you don’t notice, you’re not cherishing— even if it’s because you spent the whole day putting your tax returns together so she didn’t have to—because it means you weren’t paying attention to her.

You may think this borders on pathologically insecure, but do you

honestly want to get into an argument about whether she’s entitled to be upset?

That’s only going to build your doghouse bigger and it’s not going to make your bed warmer tonight. So can I offer another way out of this mind reading trap instead?

The next time your wife is obviously hurt, and you don’t have a clue what you did, say this: “Honey, I love you and cherish you so much. I obviously did something today that made you feel like you weren’t the most important thing in the world to me, and I never want to do that. So please tell me what I did, so that I can make sure that you never have to feel that way again.”

It may not be fair that she analyzes you this much. It may seem silly that she expects you to read her mind and know what she wants. But every girl dreams of being married to that one person who will completely understand her and love her anyway. God put that desire in our hearts and even though it’s become distorted—I think one of the results of the fall is that we women rely on men to complete us more than we rely on God—it is so much a part of a woman’s psyche.

You may never be able to read minds enough to know what we expect or what’s bothering us. But you can learn to read hearts with this one simple truth: we need to know that you completely cherish us.

Our insecurities make us expect impossible things from you. But please don’t get angry at us for it. Just practice noticing the little things, tell us you cherish us and then pray with us that one day, we may truly believe it.

Sheila is the author of the upcoming The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex (Zondervan). You can find her at www.SheilaWrayGregoire.com.

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