The Plumber’s The 2017 B.C. Issue
VOLUME XXXIV ISSUE IV December 6th, 2017
Faucet
2
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
CONTRIBUTERS
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Editor-In-Chief
Otman Benchekroun
Let’s be frank, November is just a garbage month. Thank god we’ve made it to December. Despite the cold, this month actually has a bunch of positives! We’ve got the holidays, New Year’s Eve, Lady Bird by Greta Gerwig... it all seems like it’s looking up-
Editors
Freedom Sorbara Rishni Bhandari
Knock. Knock.
Writers
Alex Dombowsky Paul Orasanu Martin Molpeceres Sam Miller Daniel Galef Alex McOwen Claire Edrington Nick Brunt Hugo Schutzberg Arman Izadi Stavroula Pabst
Did you hear that? It’s the middle of the night and I’m writing a Letter From The Editor in my locked apartment... I have to say, this is highly irregular... alright, I’ll go check on that knock. Who’s there!?
Illustrators
This month, we’re gonna take a look back at maybe the best year in human history so far: 2017 B.C. It was a simpler time back then, no final exams, no writing, the bronze age...
Finals. Oh yes, that’s right, how could I forget!! Our old friend finals usually drops by around this time of the year. I knew this December sounded better than usual! Well, as students with a lot of studying to do, I guess you better buck up, roll up your sleeves and jump into the pages of this magazine in order to procrastinate further.
Tess Van Donkelaar Jitika Shah Armando Rivas Ké Smith (Cover) Freedom Sorbara Amelia Lindsay Kaufman
We’re taking you to a time when Slabsung was Competing with Gravel Inc., when we only had eight numbers and when everybody wanted to be a subsistence farmer. Who am I kidding, everybody still wants to be a subsistence farmer! I know, I do!
Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
In all sincerity, I hope all you fellow fans have a good time studying and taking finals. Hydrate, talk to people, take care of yourselves, and as I’ve said before and will forever say again, never take yourself too seriously!
Complaints
The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to :
vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
The Plumber’s Faucet - vol. XXXIV no. IV Wednesday, December 6 , 2017 th
Otman Benchekroun
Dec 6th, 2017
Introducing the iStone X: Punishing Heretics in Style by Paul Orasanu
At a press conference this Saturday, the CEO of Gravel Inc. unveiled his company’s latest innovation in smart-stone technology. Marking the ten-year anniversary of the original iStone, the iStone X is designed to be as aerodynamic as a rock can be. Being made of 100% obsidian, it has absolutely no bezels as the glass covers its entire surface. Blunt force trauma has never been so sleek and elegant. In addition, Gravel also has plans to release a larger version, the iStone X Plus, which doubles as a mobile home. The release date is unknown as of today as the company has yet to determine the feasibility and/or cost of shipping such large boulders.
illustrated by Freedom Sorbara We’ve reached out to Slabsung to find out if they have a product in the pipeline that can compete with Gravel’s newest release, but they have not gotten back to us. They have yet to recover from last year’s disastrous exploding Pebble 7 fiasco, where they suffered several million grains in damages. The iStone X and the iStone X Plus will be released with storage sizes of 2 and 8 Gilgabytes1 respectively, and a RAM2 of 4. Prices range from 400-1000 silver, or 1 to 2.5 Sumerian slaves.
1
Gilgabyte: Number of times the Epic of Gilgamesh can be written in its entirety on a surface.
2
RAM: Ra Approval Metric.
3
4
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
All of the Numbers, Ranked!!! by Alex Dombowsky
As another year closes, it’s good to think about all of humanity’s achievements over the last year. Even just a cursory reminiscence brings to mind the advancements humanity has made in the discovery and cultivation of rocks. Even better than rocks, however, are numbers. So, in honor of the start of a new year and the end of an old one, we take a look back at our favorite and least favorite numbers.
1: 1
5: 4
I mean, what else is there to say about this guy? Number 1 rules!
4, the fifth number, isn’t very good. Whenever you have 4 rocks, you know that you’re going to have a bad time. But it’s certainly better than this next number…
2: Blurp I don’t think this one is that much of a surprise. Blurp is incredibly versatile and can be applied to so many topics. For instance, you could have blurp rocks. You could also have blurp stones. You could even have blurp rocks!
3: Pleenteen Pleenteen, the current year that we’re living in, had to be near the top of the list. Who doesn’t love pleenteen?
6. 4 two I mean, talk about unoriginality. 4 wasn’t even one of the most popular numbers, and now we have to deal with god damn 4 two! Absolutely horrendous.
7: Four Fuck this number. Complete garbage. We already have 4 and 4 two! As if 4 two wasn’t enough of an embarrassment! 4 and 4 two should get the job done, and somehow four still exists?!
4: 5 5, the fourth number, is a must have on this list. 5 can divide so many other numbers (like pleenteen and blurp), so it’s very helpful for counting rocks!
8: 69
Those are certainly some noteworthy numbers. Who knows what new numbers the new year will bring? As long as it’s not 4 three or something dumb like that, then we should be fine.
Dec 6th, 2017
S r S e M h t U o n S A a t n e Y
5
by Amelia Lindsay-Kaufman
da
l!!!
SSMU: 3 Gald
ANCIENT GREEK ECONOMY BOOMING! by Stavroula Pabst
BUY! BUY! BUY! Athens, GR: Good news everyone! The Ancient Greek economy is doing great. Nothing could go wrong in the near future. That’s right, the Greek economy is rock solid. (More on next page)
6
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
NEVERMIND! (Re: Ancient Greek Mythology Booming) SELL! SELL! SELL! Athens, GR: Sorry about the previous article regarding the Ancient Greek economy. This was entirely and wholly incorrect, and whoever wrote that article will be facing repercussions in due time. To clarify, the Greek economy is absolutely in shambles right now. Things are NOT GOOD. This is what happens when your economy is based on olive oil. Take notes, kids. Don’t base your economy on olive oil. Maybe alcohol, but not olive oil.
The Official 2017 B.C. Mindset List by Enpap-X Gon’ Give It to Ya
They probably don’t remember a time before the Ur-Amorite Wars, so pop culture references before this time may not be effective. Politics are less important to the younger generation now that the First Intermediate Period is over because Pharaoh Mentuhotep united the Two Kingdoms. Heck, most teenage Heracleopolitans probably can’t tell the difference between a monarch and a nomarch! For many young Sumerians, their moral compass is the Code of Ur-Nammu. Although their parents and grandparents remember a time when the Code of Urukagina was the law of the land, they take it for granted that The Man Who Injured From Another His Eyeball Must Be Made To Pay One-Half Of Its Weight Of Silver,
as opposed to just putting out his eye to compensate. To them, Dungi of Urim is just the hip young king and reformist who went to war against the Quti—they never knew the impious and douchey princeling who used the temples of Babylon as his personal ATM. New technology is always a headache, but to these eager young apprentices it represents progress. Right now a lot of hotshot tech bros in the Aegean area are moving away from Bronze in favor of a new product called “Iron.” In fact, some youngsters may choose not to serve a bronzeworking apprenticeship at all in favor of dropping out and founding a startup working in Iron. Ziggurats? Nah brah. Pyramids? Yass!
The Epic of Gilgamesh - Reviewed by Margaret Zigguratwood Amid much anticipation, the world’s first true work of literature, The Epic of Gilgamesh, was released last night in hard-cover cuneiform. The story follows the life and adventures of the titular character, a half-man, half-deity who rules over the kingdom of Uruk thanks to his unparalleled intelligence, strength, and street cred. Unfortunately, this promising premise is squandered by a derivative, and often circular narrative. Although Gilgamesh himself is certainly a nuanced and compelling character, the rest of his literary world is populated by one-dimensional clichés rather than equally mythic and well-formed personalities.
Dec 6th, 2017
7
The story, too, is a slog; Gilgamesh’s numerous adventures are exciting merely in concept, with each advancing slowly forward and hitting the far-too-predictable narrative beats familiar to almost every connoisseur of the newfangled ‘epic’ genre. The Epic of Gilgamesh, though grandiose in title, is more a whimper than the seminal work of fiction so many in (albeit newly formed) literary circles were anticipating. While we now have the world’s first work of literature, we may still have to wait another few centuries for the world’s first great work of literature. Looking back at The Epic of Gilgamesh, we can only wonder what might have been.
Top Fertile Crescent Rivers of the Year by Enkidu
NUMBER 1: The Tigris; powerful, bold, and as beautiful as ever, the Tigris remains the lifeblood of our homeland. I’d give my first-born son to the Tigris if it asked, and if he hadn’t been dragged out of the village and devoured by a pack of wild sheep that one time. Sheep are just such ferocious predators, I can’t imagine ever getting along with them.
NUMBER BLURP1: The drainage ditch behind my hut than runs right past the outhouse, which this year burst its banks and spread fresh number 2 all up in my front yard, scaring away a whole bunch of animals I was on the verge of domesticating and causing my wife to leave me for that asshole Urbaal, whose super fancy outhouse is also adjacent to his drainage ditch except it’s downstream of his hut.
1
NUMBER PLEENTEEN1: The Euphrates; words cannot describe how much I loathe this feculent body of stagnant swamp water. Seriously, we need to start inventing some new words. How about seven less words to describe types of mud you’re not supposed to eat and a single new one to describe fanatical hatred of a river system? Everybody always tells me, “But what would Mesopotamia even be without the Euphrates? The name literally means ‘land between two rivers’, idiot.” Mesopo-take that attitude right out of my sight and drown it in a river with a respectable floodplain. I’ll fight anyone who tries to claim our cradle of civilization wouldn’t be possible with that over-flowing sewage spillway. Mesopo-try me.
Those are some pretty weird numbers! For more info, check out page 4.
8
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
Failed Pyramid Designs by Claire Edrington
This was our masterpiece, to be honest. It would have been perfect, and could have withstood sandstorms and ice ages for millenia. Ever since triangles were discovered however, they’ve been all the fad... of course the pharaoh just had to have a triangular pyramid.
The tip of this one snapped off in the wind. It's too bad because we really thought that one was the winner
This one let water in when it rained. Also, it smelled weird. Also, it had bad structural integrity and was infested with mice.
This one was beloved by everyone. The only problem was that it would keep melting every time we tried building it. Also, it was super sticky.
Dec 6th, 2017
9
The Reality of Creating a Healthy Academic Environment at McGill Posted on Wednesday, November 22, 2017 by Ignaz Semmelweis At first glance, it seems simple enough; just shift the university budget a few dollars here or a few dollars there to provide the resources to create a much-needed Healthy Academic Environment. Students have been clamouring for it for years, citing the need to relieve mid-term stress and better manage their mental health needs. Two years ago, the SSMU passed a motion of support in favour of a Healthy Academic Environment to be expanded from just the Thanksgiving holiday. What is more, universities in other provinces have successfully created healthy environments for learning, as has the Polytechnique here in Montreal. Why should McGill be any different? The McGill Reporter didn’t sit down with any students, but rather Ollivier Dyens, Deputy Provost (Student Life and Suffering) to find out. In the student press and in student government, there’s been a lot of talk over the past few years about having a Healthy Academic Environment at McGill. What steps have been taken? Two years ago, I went to see the then-Registrar Kathleen Massey to ask if we could explore the possibility of having a Healthy Academic Environment. It seems to me – from an anecdotal point-of-view – that it would help at least firstyear students take a break every now and then, and stay on track; they might have fallen behind a bit, because the first eight or nine semesters at McGill are really difficult. And maybe we could improve mental health at the same time. She said, “Yes, by all means, we’ll look into it.” She created a small ad-hoc committee. She consulted with students. They ran a survey (I believe the questions in the survey were drafted with students). And here is what happened: a number of issues made the healthy environment impossible.
What factors influenced the decision to NOT move forward with this initiative? There was a number of constraints, and no one was really ready to make any concessions around them. The current semester that we have cannot support any work-life balance, for instance, because there are issues with the number of designated crying hours. In Engineering, for example, crying hours are mandated by the professional order, and there’s just not enough time in the semester. The only way to get a healthier university is to do one of the following things: • Start caring about student well-being. And no one wants to do that. We got push-back from Faculty, and push-back from some students. From students, because it would mean that if we started in the last days of August, they would have an extra month of giving a shit, for example, and that creates other problems. No one wanted that. • Make the midterm season shorter. In recent years, students have said that they wanted a longer midterm season, because a lot of them become aware of how terrible their lives actually are when they’re not holed up in the library for a solid month. No one wanted to cut that down.
10 •
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV Providing better access to mental health resources. And I’m the one who said “No.” Because the whole point is to pretend to improve students’ mental health; to have to admit it’s a real problem just completely defeats the purpose – it’s already real enough. That would have meant clinics open on Saturdays, more costs, more pressure on me. There’s just no point.
On top of that, research is very inconclusive on a Healthy Academic Environment increasing wellness. So while we’d love to have one, we just can’t. A couple of faculties actually said “we will not participate in a Healthy Academic Environment” for different reasons. I can’t have health for 75 per cent of students.It will create more stress, more problems (for me). So as long as I’m not ready to have a genuine investment in student well-being, it’s not going to happen. Other universities have Healthy Academic Environments. How is McGill’s student population any different from that of other universities? [We have] 30 per cent severely depressed students and 20 per cent moderately depressed students. Meaning at least 50 per cent of our students either hate themselves, or need to find a source of happiness in Montreal, and probably are not hating themselves for 12 months a year. [Adding] August makes a difference for them.
When they want to be happy, the closest options are completely ignoring their depression and putting on their best façade, and from that point on their only option is failure. That is the difference between [McGill’s and other universities’] populations. How can the administration claim to be mitigating the mental health challenges, if a Healthy Academic Environment is not an option? It’s just good “hygiene d’admin” (administrative hygiene); I think students know that. Spending well, saving well, soliciting donations, not caring about students for the whole year but spending one whole night a semester caring to compensate. Having good money-management skills. Not using any performance-enhancing strategies (like feedback surveys), bureaucratic accountability, and any rankings that paint the university in a negative light. There’s no silver bullet. It’s good money-management skills, and I think some universities are probably new at this; they get better in the 196th or 197th year. It is something we are concerned about, but I think the tools are there. Is it at all possible that this issue may be revisited in the future? Not until there’s some concessions on these points. I’ve told students: find me a solution and I’m more than happy to consider it.
Glass Appears! by Hugo Schutzberg The Faucet’s favorite memory of 2017 was when glass first appeared. A barefoot man named Peter Plexi was exploring around a volcano when he felt a deep cut on his foot. Little did Ol’ Plexi know he was bleeding! He reached into the newly formed crevice in his foot to find a shard-like piece. The name Glass is actually an acronym for the words Plexi shouted after finding it. Great. Large. Archaeological. Super. Sweet. After removing the piece Plexi claimed “everything was just so clear” referring to the piece of glass and the entirety of his life. Nobody knows how this glass came to be or where it is going but it is going places and places it will go. The possibilities for glass seem to be endless. This find is the Plumber’s Faucet Material of the Year!
Toddler’s Tall Tales: 40 Beers
Dec 6th, 2017
11
by Tater Toddler
*Disclaimer: The following retelling of events transpired in the past is in no shape or form accurate nor reliable since the bard was either heavily inebriated or not present for 69% of the time. *
Gather round, all ye young and old,
Listen to this tale that has never been told,
On a sunny winter day, in the nion. Huddled against the sharp, brisk clasped around their aluminium cans of mighty plan that would change an old
year of our Lord 2014, three engineers gathered in commuwinter chill, they spoke in hushed tones. Their frozen hands ale. What were they discussing you ask? Oh, a bold plan. A song forever. For you see, they were discussing a challenge.
Many have heard the song. Chanted by the mindless baboons we call froshies. Chanted without knowing the true story or the meaning. The song, or rather the line, in questions is “We can, We can, We can, We can, Demolish 40 beers”. For decades, we made this bold claim. But no one dared question the truth of the matter. So it was then that those three fateful engineers decided they would. The plan was simple, the organization more so. Challengers were to finish the 40 beers, as prophesised, but in 24 hours. THIS is what would amount to legend. In theory, it was easy. Many times had an engineer drank as much in a large organized drinking event. 24 hours was child’s play! And so the day of the challenge came. They drank and danced and sang their poor hearts out. Cans were tossed, houses were upturned slowly the sun dropped low under the horizon. The first to go down was one of the original three. A liquidised form of laughter, the man went missing in the dark and desolate forests of Mont Royale. Yet the challenge carried on. With the new day dawning, the challengers had dwindled in number. 4 remained to compete for the Ultimate Honour. The second to go down was a Tosser of Salads. With a mighty number in the low 20’s the man finally succumbed to his liver and took off to actually do human things like responsibilities and stuff. Not much was seen of him till later. It was on the second day of the challenge that the Toddler threw in the towel. With 24 tallies of sharpie on his arm that he wasn’t sure where or how he managed, he gave up and was content to drunkenly cheer on the last three. Nearing the 30 beer mark, the next boozy bastard fell from grace. The Journalist so far Gone ceased his steady stream and slumped into the black hole-like couches of the bar, simply cheering on the last two. Oh how mighty were these champions. Absolutely bat-shit crazy and self detrimental to the extreme, but mighty. Observers looked on as the two men rallied again at 38. The chants began, the house trembled. The very walls seemed to urge the men on. The audience watching the awesome yet disgusting scene unfold. Finally, the last beer came down, met with an uproar. They had done it. The Time of Epic Beer was one of them, the other was a stealer of burgers or something, I can’t remember. These men were now the truest of engineers. The one’s prophesised and chanted about. They had finished 40 beers. So, what is the moral of this tall tale? Did it really happen? Yes. Does anyone talk about it? No. Why? Is it because of how it glorifies alcoholism and binge drinking and is a terrible story to idealise in this manner and could leave to detrimental and unsafe behaviour and such actions are a relic of a dead culture? Nah.
12
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
Do We Need Better Sword Regulation? by An Anonymous Assyrian This week saw our village council yet again in crisis over an issue far too familiar for our villagers: sword control. This newest debate came after a single Babylonian male, armed with a 2017 B.C. model double-edged bronze blade, burst into the town marketplace and slaughtered a dozen innocent goats and the goat farmer Gabel. Well, Gabel kind of smelled bad, but the goats were innocent. In any case, this tragic incident has stimulated a new round of sword control discussion in our town’s legislative body, with rumors that a sword regulation motion will be tabled in the coming days by the Euphrates-leaning council contingent. They argue that they have a moral imperative to prevent future attacks of the same nature, and that consequently they will be proposing limits to the amount of swords that can be owned by a single individual, in addition to new restrictions on sword length and pointy-ness.
The Tigris-leaning coalition, on the other side of the parliamentary hut, contend that such limitations on sword ownership will only take away the rights of law-abiding sword owners, and that anyway, one sword is just as dangerous as 17 if you’re planning to slice up a huddled crowd of helpless livestock. Although we’ll have to wait for the exact details of the Euphrates’ proposal, both parties haven’t hesitated to speculate about the motivation behind this senseless slaughter. A Tigris representative publicly questioned whether the assailant had potentially been radicalized by the ziggurat priestesses, noting the attacker’s Babylonian heritage and past accusations of feces slinging. Shortly after these comments, the Euphrates party fired back with a strongly worded clay tablet, claiming that such questions were tribalist, all while strongly implying that the Tigris party line would be different had the accused been a Sumerian. The tablet also questioned the relevancy of publicizing the man’s criminal history of lobbing fecal matter at passers-by. As this debate rages on, swift justice has already been carried out against the perpetrator of these horrible crimes. The Babylonian man was stoned to death yesterday by an angry crowd of villagers, and in accordance with law, this punishment was stoically overseen by the living victims most impacted by this heinous crime: the distraught two dozen goats remaining of Gabel’s once proud herd. Once the accused had expired the goats then devoured his lifeless corpse as mandated. The discussions in our parliamentary hut will continue tomorrow, and in the meantime, the epidemic of sword violence has claimed another casualty.
Dec 6th, 2017
The First Thing Ever Written: by Sam Miller
Recent research has enabled us to be able to publish the very first words ever written. We’re excited to be able to share them with you, in full, below: -
THINGS I NEED:
Millet Corn Sheeps’ eyes
Potatoe
New club
TO DO:
- Fix hole in roof hut with mud - Tell neighbour Terry to stop letting his chickens poo all over my nice club - Gather - Hunt - Survive winter - Ask terry about getting rid of stone tools and getting shiny bronze tools
By
Jitika Shah
13
14
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
How to Know if the Hieroglyphics She Sent Means She Wants to Fuck by Knotman Benchecrown1 We all know how it goes, you’re at a local oasis eating some fine grapes and being fanned by slaves and shit and all of a sudden a messenger runs up all sweaty and laborious and you catch your eye on the tablet he’s presenting to you and you can see straight up it’s from your sweeeeety. But, we also know hieroglyphics are HELLA difficult to interpret cause there’s like four-22 of them. Lucky for you, I’m here to give you a mental increase in symbology. Get your noggins ready and your etching hands steady. Let’s look at some hieroglyphs. Eyes on the prize. She’s looking at YOU to give some answers. Get on that, son! Bruh, it’s a pair of horns. She’s horny AF. This is a tricky one. She’s either super fertile, or doesn’t know what direction this is heading so she’s etching a bunch of weird lines. This is on you. Communicate! Bruv if you get this next one you’re totally out of the game. It means she’s feelin slept on, and this girl is outta here for the next one who’s actually sweet on her. The kinky eye of horus. That guy’s into some weird shit, so I don’t know if you should run or throw yourself at her. Duuuuude, she is flipping you the bird here. And specifically, she is throwing the strength of the god Horus at you, and that man does NOT mess around. You should not have kink shamed him! This dude is literally the sky. So when they say the sky’s the limit, they’re talking about Horus. You struck out. Also, fear all birds. Oh shit Horus has a whip now. Run fucker RUNNNNNN.
We’ll be back next week with more! In the meantime, keep those reusable crocodile-skin condoms handy, you never know what tablet she’s gonna send next! While this may seem like it was written by the editor, Otman Benchekroun, this article was actually submitted by an evil scheming vermin, bearing a name that rhymes with Cretan Pashta. 1
2
The largest, most shitty number to exist. For more info, check out page 4.
Dec 6th, 2017
By Jitika Shah
OP-ED: Why Can’t Israelis and Palestinians Come Together In The Spirit Of Christmas? by Martin Molpeceres
Now, look. I’m no expert. I’m just a regular guy. Like, I, like, put my pants on one leg at a time just like you. And, you know, like, I go about my day doing my own thing. I mean, that’s what, you know, we’re all doing. That being said, there’s two things I know for sure: 1)
Christmas is great.
2) The long-term viability of the status quo on the West Bank is looking increasingly unten- able. Now, I mean, that may be like quite a lot to take in, right. But you know, Christmas is about overcoming ourselves by coming together, and, you see, doesn’t that sound just like what Palestinians and Israelis need these days? A little Christmas spirit? Look, I know it’s not easy. We all get a little blue sometimes, you, me, de jure Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, but you know what makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I’m in a funk? Some nice hot cocoa next to the old Christmas tree. And I think that right now, the Holy Land can use some cocoa. I’ll be the first to admit not everything about Christmas is fun. Who likes taking they’re grandparents to mass, amiright? But we do it anyways, cuz, like, we love them. And in the end, it helps put things into perspective. Christmas isn’t about presents or militant sectarianism, it’s about family.
15
16
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV And yeah, we argue with our family sometimes, and sometimes those arguments get a little ugly. But, I mean, they’re still family. And I think Hezbollah and the Israeli Armed forces could do with a little Christmas mass. Here’s a story very close to my heart: When I was little, I remember getting into a fight with my little brother. My dad made us make up by baking gingerbread for Santa together. By the time we were done, we had forgotten what the fight was even about, and loved each other again. So, President Netanyahu and Ayatollah Khomeini, stop fighting over that Wii, and go make some gingerbread together. It’s time for some holiday cheer. Merry Christmas.
QUIZ: What Should You do After Graduation? by Alex MCOwen illustrated by Tess Van Donkelaar
Dec 6th, 2017
17
Top 4 Ways Wind Might Work by Alex Dombowsky You guys know what I’m talking about, right? You’re outside, throwing some rocks around, when all of a sudden a big gust of… something… starts pushing you… and somehow you get cold? Or maybe you are getting pressed and this—in some weird manner—makes it chillier outside. We’re completely out of ideas. Luckily enough, some bold young thinkers have spent the last year coming up with ideas for how exactly wind works.
1. Maybe it’s, like, someone blowing Okay, hear us out: the wind is just some guy who breathes really dramatically. He walks the earth, going about his business of collecting rocks, and every second he is inhaling, exhaling; inhaling, exhaling.
Blurp. Wind =Water Wind moves, right? But what else moves? That’s right: it’s water. Therefore, by the transitive property, wind and water are totally equal. This is currently the most mathematical explanation for wind.
Pleenteen. Wind isn’t real It’s just the earth moving or something, alright? Look, let me put it this way: have you ever seen wind? No? That’s what I thought, you slob. Wind is just a figment of our collective imaginations.
5. Wind is a bunch of ghosts running On earth, we get a ton of exercise, but once we pass away we tend to lose focus on staying healthy. So, ghosts have taken a liking to jogging. When you get hit by a gust of wind, that’s just a wall of ghost running buddies working out! And it even explains why wind is cold—when you’re hit by wind, you feel the emptiness that comes along with death.
4. Wind is Invisible Birds Birds—you’ve got to hate them, am I right? What if birds, humanity’s mortal enemy, had access to powers that allowed them to turn invisible?! And even worse—they’ve been using these powers to make humans cold. And those really are our best ideas for why wind works. No matter which of these 5 turns out to be the truth, we can at least agree that birds are the worst.
18
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
Ask The Gods: An Advice Column by Stavroula Pabst
illustrated by Armando Rivas
Are you having a difficult time with something? No fear, simply write to us with your question, and we’ll ask the Gods for some heavenly advice! Today’s question: “I lost a card battle to Ra a couple weeks ago, and now he wants my soul. What should I do?” – DuelMaster77 Zeus: Wow, this is quite the doozy. While this Anubis: : Unfortunately, if there’s one thing does sound like some next level Yu-gi-oh! shit you need to understand about a God wanting from which I’d prefer to stay away (for claryour soul, it’s that well… there’s not a lot of ification, Ra and I haven’t been friends ever getting out of it (especially if it’s Ra, sorry). My since he called my daughter, Athena, ugly), advice to you is that you should try to convince let’s try to break down some options you him your soul is not worth having. Annoy the crap can try to pursue. For starters, you should out of him. Prank him. Act bland and mediocre. Put challenge him to a rematch, and tell him gum on his chairs. Tell him you’re a Trump supportthat if you win this time, he has to let er. Whatever it takes, and godspeed. you keep your soul. I don’t see this as a very lucrative option because 1, he has Athena: Hold on, Ra called me ugly?? Well, figures he to agree to this and 2, you then would would be all sour grapes over me rejecting their invitahave to win. But! You might as well tion to be their prom date back in high school. take the risk at this point, I definitely Poseidon: Wow, what a fishy situation! Haha, get it? wouldn’t want Ra to have my soul for Cause I’m God of the Sea? Fish?? I crack myself up an eternity. sometimes. Anyways, I don’t actually have any advice Aphrodite: Ra having your soul wouldn’t for this because Ra wanting your soul is pretty… terribe so bad if you guys were in love. Try ble. I just had to make the joke, sorry. asking him on a date! He’s kind of slimy and doesn’t have good table manners, so maybe a coffee date would be your best first option.
Ra: Okay, there’s no way you guys (gods and the question-asker alike) did not know I also write for this advice column. I have been writing weekly responses to this advice column for ten years! Like, why would you submit this question here knowing I would see it?? And Anubis, I thought we were friends! Anyways OP, I still want your soul, though I agree with Aphrodite that a coffee would be nice, so, see you next Wednesday? Lmk!
The gods, enjoying a nice afternoon, answering our questions!
Dec 6th, 2017
19
WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!! Do you ever come home from a long day at McLennan? Do you ever sit down on a couch and watch TV? Do you ever go to the coffee shop and find a line of 15 people waiting to take their order? Me too! Sometimes I like to write for the Faucet though, which is really cool. It’s low commitment, takes no previous writing experience and we take submissions from EVERYONE. For submissions and questions, send a nicely worded email to: faucet@mcgilleus.ca
Join McGill Improv! Hey! You, reading this! You’re reading something (mildly) funny! I bet you’re interested in funny things. You are, aren’t you? If you want to know where to find more funny things, check out or join McGill Improv, another hilarious, low commitment club. McGill Improv has weekly workshops on Saturdays from 1-3 pm. They meet at the SSMU lobby then head up to the Club’s Lounge for the workshop itself. It’s a drop in workshop so once again, NO commitment necessary! It’s just a bunch of nice fun people having fun. JOIN US FOR THE NEW SEMESTER!!!
20
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. IV
Man Goes on Binge Drinking Bender, Accidentally Builds Stonehenge by Sam Miller In Salisbury, reports are emerging that a local man, Arthfael the Strong, has built a massive stone monument following a drunken night out. We caught up with him, asking him to recount the events of the night that led to the construction. He had this to say: “well yeah, so basically, me and a couple of the lads went to the village hall for a few tankards of mead. One thing led to another, we got very drunk, and well Geoff had this idea to ride this horse which was pretty fucking funny to be honest with you, so I had to one up him. So I wandered out to this clearing and, yeah, basically i just, uh, built this massive, uh - thing.” We were intrigued as to the function of the construction project. Arthfael explained that “I think it started as a sort of pastiche of Picasso but one thing led to another and then I thought fuck it let’s make it circular and put a wooden roof on. No biggie, took me 20 minutes.” One thing that is sure, this project is bound to confuse and excite the generations to come.
Arthfael the Strong