ThePlumber’s Volume XXXVII Issue II August 2021
Faucet
McGill
I miss you Read 3:12 AM
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. II
CONTRIBUTERS
LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR
Editors-In-Chief
Wilkommen. Bienvenue. Yes, even welcome to
Shaun Lalani Mason Persaud
this edition of The Plumber’s Faucet. I am a co-editor of the Faucet, Mason Persaud and I’m de-
Copy Editors
Hugo Shutzberg
lighted to be presenting you this issue all about
Writers
how much we miss our school during the summer
Jules Middleton Ismail Benchekroun Denbeigh Whitmarsh Sarah Gao Atsushi Ikeda Yumi Blake Shaun Lalani Mason Persaud
months when we’re at home or just ignoring campus every time we accidentally walk by it. People of the world, I welcome you to this issue of The Plumber’s Faucet. This is a satirical humour
Disclaimer
The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
Complaints
The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and
magazine written by and for McGill students. We hope you enjoy our jokes, words, maybe even illustrations, and if you do please find us on social media @ThePlumbersFaucet and look there for info about new issues, our website, and upcoming live events. Feel free to reach out if you wish to join The Faucet in any capacity. We’re always looking for new writers, illustrators, designers, and friends. I love you and before you recoil in disgust at the thought of someone randomly confessing their love for you, thank you for saying you love me too. Your Friend, Mason Persaud
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Lov lett’r tae dae real McGill
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by Bae Decker It’s easy tae furgaet wit dae real McGill luks like aft’r a year of goon bonkers in yer own fuckin’ house. ’s left a great lot of us scunnered frim staerin’ at dae screen, barely totchin’ are books, wankin ’boot, an’ mibe by now ye spent a g’night too minny jus’ fuckin’ roun wi’ dae poor fuckin’ dafties ye got fur roommates, gittin’ oot yer nut janglin on yer kitchen ayelin’ laek it wiz a dahnce floore? A got a question fur ye’s. Da’ wit ye firs’ caem tae McGill fur? Tae fill yer wame wae butter chaecken frim Oobar Ates dae night an’ dae morra, cryin’ intae yer bevvy, meekin’ a podcass wae yer scabby nan? Where’s yer school spirae, ye fuckin’ feartie? A fur won wen fur a wee jaunt ’round dae old grounds ba’ in Jun’, win aw dae bobbleheads wur still goon fur a cruise doon dae watter, ’eedless a’ dae news, groups a’ well more den four sharin’ nips frim won gingie, steerin’ their private Waverleys taewards, A giess’d, dae Acheron. Oot dae school grouns wir a gang-a guard dogs roamin’ ’roun’—waethou’ masks, mind ye—so A well chewed those fuckers oot. Those boggin’ mutts wir thrashin’ fur a piece a mae, so A bolted an’ clamb’d dae school fence an’ snagged mae pants on dae wire, but it wiz rat swelt’r’n anywho so A figured wot dae hell an’ took mae shirt off too. So dere A wiz, nehked, poin’n oot tae maesel’ aw dae places where we wee barra used tae git blootered a’ recess. Dere wiz dae room where headmaster Mackintosh—ye remember that old crabapple don’t ye?—beat traegunoametrae intae our ’eads wae a ruler. Hare wiz dae sink where Lachlan had tae wash his mither’s moggans wae han-soap ‘cuz they wir poor as a miner wae gammie hands. A wiz just raemaeniscin’ win dae polis caem roon’, riddy tae bonk mae on dae noggin, som such charge fur Indaecent Exposure on Private Propertae, tae wach A said “Wit’s dae daeffrence? Dae school’s ’boot had mae by dae balls fur saeven years!”, after wich A dunne ran off ’fur they could snag mae laek dae fence daed mae shorts. Aye… but now Am haverin’. ’s aw jus tae say: A miss ye, McGill primaery school, pride a’ Pollok, an’ it’s a damned shan A can’t raeturn tae yez ‘cuz a’ Coevaed. An’ also cuz ye closed som ten years agoe. An’ hare A am, rott’n’ miles awae in Mont’re’aw a’ some no-nam univehrsi’y, where aw dae teachers weud’nt no wit tae dae wae a ruler if they woke up wae won in their rear. Wae lov, Bae Decker, McGill Primary School Graduate, 1999.
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FromMagicianstoClowns:SomeLesserKnownMcGillAlum by Mason Persaud William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, and Justin Trudeau, McGill has been home to some truly extraordinary alumni but some people often overlook these other few people who’ve truly left their mark on the world and whom we’re proud to call McGill alumni.
John Fosters, Presidential Impersonator, Class of ‘60 John Fosters attended McGill from 1956 to 1960 and graduated with a BA in cartography, but might be more better known as one of the best Presidential impersonators of all time. From JFK all the way to Obama, Fosters released albums, toured, and appeared on local television up until his death in 2014. Some prominent moments in his career include his first live appearance mere hours after the JFK assassination where he famously berated the crowd for not laughing at his impression of First Lady Jackie Kennedy trying to pick up pieces of JFK’s head in a humourously sloppy way. He lived out his last years in Florida with his children and grandchildren where he reveled in doing his Obama impersonation which we’re told is “too racist to describe even in print.”
Jeffrey Weinberg, Clown/Drag Queen, Class of ‘84 Jeffrey Weinberg graduated from McGill in 1984 with a BSc. in Marine Biology but he went on to even greater things by becoming the first drag performer to also perform as a clown. After learning about the arts of drag and clown during his time at McGill, Weinberg merged his two interests into one and began a very influential underground show in New York in the late 80s. His act contained singing, dancing, and a very original water balloon segment involving a female condom. Jeffrey Weinberg not only represented McGill in the LGBTQ+ space but also in the clown space and while he has not been seen since a trip to Thailand in 2012, we’re proud to call him an alum.
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Max D’Avis, Child Magician, Class of ‘24 While not technically an alum yet, Max D’Avis was one of the most amazing child magicians in the Chicago Greater Area. Currently enrolled in his first year of studies at the Faculty of Arts, he plans to pursue a degree in the History of Magic. Some of Max’s most famous tricks involve pulling a bunny out of a hat, sawing his little sister in half, and pulling a coin out of my ear (I don’t know how he does it, I go searching there all the time and find nothing). McGill has very high hopes for D’Avis as he begins his university stint and holds the potential to put McGill on the map amongst the world’s top wizarding schools.
Lauren Preminger, Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award Production Assistant, Class of ‘94 Since graduating in 1994 with a BA in political science while minoring in American history, Lauren Preminger has been a rising star in Hollywood. She has worked on several films and television shows as a production assistant which is one of the unsung roles in media production. Among their duties, production assistants organize schedules, keep sets quiet during filming, and make copies of scripts. The McGill alum was glad to sit down with us to talk about her latest experience being a PA for the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. When asked about the prestigious awards she said, “Oh gosh it was great! I was in charge of the slime. I moved the slime from the truck to the big bucket above the set where it sat waiting to be dropped on our favourite stars! I also had a hand in sliming everyone from Raven Symone to a screen with Will Smith on it who was video-calling in after he declined to come in-person.” Next up for Lauren, she’ll be a PA on the live-action adaptation of the Tom and Jerry cartoons which stars Paul Giamatti and Meryl Streep’s cat.
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Bette Davis, Sparkling Water Sommelier, Class of ‘89 From Perrier to San Pellegrino, McGill alum Bette Davis has established herself as rural Quebec’s utmost expert on everything to do with sparkling water. After graduating with a degree in Mechanical Engineering, Davis spent years studying the unappreciated art of sparkling water. Eventually, she became an expert on the subject and self-published several books on the subject. Her sophomore effort, “Don’t Swish Sparkling Water In Your Mouth Because It Will Not Be Fizzy Anymore And Other Trials And Tribulations From A Humble Expert On All Things Sparkling Water.” was heralded by tens of people in the Greater Montreal Area. We hear Davis is currently trying to get funding for a documentary on the increasing mineral content in name-brand sparkling waters.
David St. Bordeaux, Philanthropist, Class of ‘03 McGill Alum David St. Bordeaux won a fortune following years of litigation stemming from a Disney cruise that resulted in several soiled Donald Duck costumes. Since then, he has dedicated his life to creating and donating to various charities which help people around the world. His most widely-known charitable endeavor is an organization called Trolls For Tolls, a charity which distributes troll dolls to drivers in order to pay various road tolls. So far the organization has given out 9 million troll dolls which has prevented nearly $1 million in toll fees going towards the federal government. He’s also created the organization, ‘BBB3’ which champions the campaign to bring Bed, Bath and Beyond stores to Canada. While Bed, Bath and Beyond is present in some major cities across the country, St. Bordeaux’s charity wants to ensure that every working Canadian is able to shop at a Bed, Bath and Beyond near them. Currently the organization has raised more than $10,000 in favor of the effort. David St. Bordeaux has also created other charities such as Cats in Hats: A Charity Devoted to Making Dr. Seuss Books Come True, Doctors Without Recorders: Giving Doctors Basic Musical Training, and Anthony International: More People Should Be Named Anthony.
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It’s been a delight researching and talking to some of McGill’s truly great alumni. These people continue to be an inspiration to McGill students everywhere. Maybe one day we won’t just say William Shatner and Leonard Cohen but Max D’Avis and David St. Bordeaux. We want to thank the above alumni for their time and spirit which drives us to be as great as they are.
HowtobringMcGillIntoYourHomeDuringQuarantine by Raleigh Yoda Most of us have spent a little too much time at home these days and are starting to miss McGill. Heck, even before the pandemic, reading weeks were hard on me because I would long for that McConnell caf pizza as soon as I left campus. Fortunately, this only happened once a year since McGill fought so hard, year after year, to not give us a break in the Fall. Nevertheless I, Raleigh Yoda, am sharing these five easy and relatable tips to bring McGill to your home this quarantine!
1. The Construction It seems every time one construction project is finished at McGill, there’s a new one. And they take so long. It’s like what the locals say – there are only three seasons in Montreal: winter, spring, and construction. If you don’t get it, then you’re probably U0/U1. So the first thing you can do to make your home a little more “Downtown Campus” is buying some Legos, and not playing with them.
2. Watch this film: On the Basis of Sex Not to get too political, but this Ruth Bader Ginsberg biopic stars Armie Hammer. Even more messed up is that it was filmed right on McGill campus. Don’t believe me? That’s okay, trusting people can be difficult. Thankfully, I’ve gotten better, but embracing one’s vulnerability is a learning process. All you should know is that help is available to you should you need it. And so is On the Basis of Sex, streaming on demand.
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3. Couche-Tard Delivery Why not have some delicious Couche-Tard candy delivered to your doorstep? For those who don’t know, the Desautels Faculty of Management has been transformed into a giant, state-of-the-art Couche-Tard. Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking, because it’s the first thing I thought of as well: ‘Will this CoucheTard store comply with privacy regulations?’ I am proud to tell you that, yes, the store will “always [be] in compliance with applicable laws”. About time, am I right?
4. Watch On the Basis of Sex outtakes If you were mind-blown by the famous “McGill Y-intersection” appearing in the RBG biopic, continue your campus geek-out session by checking out the blooper reel. There’s loads of campus cameos like the classic Milton gates, and the iconic Bronfman building elevators (pre-Couche-Tard).
5. DM me If you have read this far, then you must really be a James McGill stan like myself. To be honest, we would probably get along super well. Maybe you can DM me and we could get together and share intimate details about our favourite Joe Rogan episodes.
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ChangetheName(OfTheBuildings) Hi McGill,
byYumiBlake
I just want to say, I miss you a lot. I miss our in-person lectures, and the long walk to campus. Obviously times have changed. With the pandemic raging worldwide, I have had time to reflect. I’m happy to say, McGill, that I’ve been thinking about you, and I have some ideas for some changes, when this nightmare is all over. I’m thinking you could use a makeover in terms of your building names. I personally love how we named the SSMU building after William Shatner. I would like to give a shout out to those hyper-ironic, Pavement t-shirt wearing hipsters in the 90s who knew that it would be funny to name a building after William Shatner. But, in my opinion, they didn’t go far enough. There are a ton of buildings that could have better names. McConnell? Who the heck is McConnell? I’ve got new names for the buildings at McGill, inspired by famous McGill alumni. Pitch 1 - The Arts building renamed to the “Leonard Cohen Memorial Building”. Entering students are immediately hit by the scent of Japanese incense and Beaujolais and say “where are we?” And then three beautiful backup singers sing “You’re in the Leonard Cohen Memorial Building!” and then you turn to the person standing next to you and have an affair. Pitch 2 - The Julie Payette building, formerly the gymnasium. This will be where McGill students can go get in shape and wail on some first years in the boxing gym. Because going to university is stressful, and if you can’t unload on the little guy, then what is the little guy even for? Pitch 3 - The Jordan Peterson building. Okay if we’re going to get into the etymological, epistemological, phenomenological, essentialization of the word ‘building’, then I guess the Jordan Peterson building isn’t a building per se. It’s the bathroom of the basement in Burnside hall. And if you’re a fan of JP and are getting offended whilst reading this, then stop: I’m a liberal, and getting offended is my thing. Plus, the bathroom is simply a cool place - let your suspenders down with other fellas and call a spade a spade in bloody peace and quiet. Pitch 4 - The Grimes building - also not a building, but just wherever people who are cooler than you are hanging out on the Lower Field. These are my suggestions for changes. Happy May Day McGill, Love, B
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ABunchofOldDeadGuys I sighed as I flung my backpack over my
by Soon to be B.A. Poli. Sci. North West Jr.
shoulder, depressed as usual, and slugged out the door of the Leonard Cohen Memo-
and none at all on football or medicine—yet
rial building (you know, the big one with
another baffling McGill decision, almost as
the ever-domineering McGill flag on top like
bad as the infamously sexist renaming of the
some sort of garish hat?), relieved to finally
Men’s Varsity teams all the way back in 2020.
get a breath of fresh air after inhaling musty
I grabbed a grilled gruyère and arugula pani-
old Japanese incense for two hours. I sighed
ni and a lukewarm spiced-mocha latte at the
again, and started heading towards my next
Gail Simmons café, thinking about my dad’s
class, a “History of Americanisation,” in the
best friend who still raves about his experi-
James Naismith building that someone once
ence here in this very spot, eating dirt-cheap
told me used to be named after some old
potato samosas wrapped in dirty old campus
guy’s cock.
newspapers that stained your fingers with ink
and grease. Sometimes I don’t know how old
Then I remembered I still had to print
my paper on the History of Kobe Bryant
people survived their childhoods.
before class. I sighed again, and trudged on
down towards the William Shatner SSMU
ing ever-uncomfortable from the glares of
building, and made my way into the dank
a whole herd of hate-filled hipsters in gaudy
printer room just off the Star Trek hallway.
colours and ridiculously small hats (seriously
Only second in dankness to the Jordan
-- they’re just vintage Polly Pocket hats that
Peterson Bathroom and the Justin Trudeau
they somehow managed to balance on their
Centre for Failed Theatre Teachers Theatre.
greasy middle parts). They were all munching
On my way back, seeing as I was already
down on finger-licking-good Spotted Dicks
ten minutes late for class, I thought I might
from the Armie Hammer’s People Snacks Café
as well go all-in and stop in the Laurent Du-
on the other side of campus, named after that
vernay-Tardiff building, that for some rea-
one movie he filmed here. I shuddered deeply
son had all kinds of books on Islamic history
despite the warm March air.
I walked back past Grimes Field, feel-
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After my boring history class on the Boring Company, I made my way back up Flood
Girl street, past the Julie Payette sports centre, towards the Ken Dryden arena for my afternoon hockey practice. I hated being seen as just a preppy athlete with a rich daddy, but at least I wasn’t one of those music nerds dragging their cellos around campus to their class in the Burt Bacharach building, like my father once was. Who even was that Bacharach guy anyways? Dad probably loved him. Sometimes I wished McGill wouldn’t name all their buildings after boring old dead people. Yet another thing I’ll probably never miss about leaving this damn hell hole that we all know is really not the Harvard of Canada. What a hot mess.
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A Sneak Preview of SSMU: The Musical
By Mason Persaud
We here at The Plumber’s Faucet are extremely excited to present to you a sneak peek at the upcoming musical production “SSMU: The Musical”, to be performed live via Zoom on April 15th. All proceeds go towards the SSMU. Representatives from the SSMU have been working on this since January after discovering that the Head of Finance didn’t do any of the accounting right for this semester. The musical is an amalgam of popular songs from Broadway musicals with lyrics changed to convey an original story about the SSMU! The following is the lyrics to many of the songs that will appear in this production. We’d like to thank Lisa Bath, Greg Alf, and Ernest Bland for providing The Plumber’s Faucet with this sneak preview! Too Bad So Sad (To The Tune of “You’ll Be Back” From Hamilton) Performed by Barbara Marshall in the Part of Suzanne Fortier, Principal and Vice-Chancellor of McGill University You say, the price of your school is too high and you’re not willing to pay You cry, virtual learning sucks and I think that I’m going to die Why so sad? Remember we made an arrangement for your soul one day Now you’re making me mad Zoom is good enough for you and I’ll always be your biggest fan Now you pay, where’s your fee Your mental health, it belongs to me Now you pay, or go to hell Your whole life it is all I sell Tuitions rise, very next fall I’ve been there for you through it all And when push comes to shove I’ll give you ninety more assignments to remind you of my love Da da da dat da, dat da da da da ya da Da da dat dat da ya da! Da da da dat da, dat da da da da ya da Da da dat dat da You say there’s too much work and all you do is sob You’ll be the one complaining when you have no job And no, don’t change your major
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Your mom, you will enrage her My sweet, submissive payers My lonely, only payers Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever Now you pay, your e-bill’s due Get evicted and just try to sue For your life, until your death I’ll be there picking up my cheque When you’re gone, I’ll be sad You’ll pretend you’re in STEM for your dad Cause when push comes to shove I will make MyCourses worse to remind you of my love Da da da dat da, dat da da da da ya da Da da dat dat da ya da! Da da da dat da, dat da da da da ya da, da da da Dat dat da ya da! I Can’t Keep Up With All My Work (To The Tune of “I Dreamed a Dream” From Les Miserables) Performed by Kenneth Darvey in the Part of Arts Student There was a time when profs were kind When their slides were fun And their words inviting There was a time when I wasn’t in a bind And school was so fun And the fun was learning There was a time Then it all went wrong I can’t keep up with all my work Lectures pile up every day I thought this year that I would thrive I thought that profs would be forgiving But I was young and unafraid That quizzes wouldn’t be a big thing There are too many readings to read I’ve given up and so should you
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But MyCourses comes at night With notifications all day long As they tear your hope apart As they turn your dreams to shame I can’t keep up with all my work Mic and camera off every conference I don’t even know what my profs look like But I gave up and so should you And I still dream that I’d catch up With good averages and fun courses But there are dreams that cannot be And there are gap years to be taken I had a dream this term would be So different from this hell I’m living So different now from what it seemed But Zoom has killed my marks, I wish I was 15 Montreal Winters (To The Tune of “Suddenly Seymour” From Little Shop Of Horrors) Performed by Patricia Hearst in the Part of Student Not In Montreal Lift up my head Put on my mask Take a walk through My small suburban town Yes I grew up here I’m stuck here today I know you’re in lockdown But I don’t want to be away Montreal winters I miss you so bad I don’t have no night life Can’t even pretend
Montreal Winters Never thought I’d want you But when COVID’s over I’ll cherish you Nobody ever liked you at all People transferred and wore big sweaters But since I’m away I really miss you All the snow and ice, all the cold days Montreal winters I miss the big city Even the people They yell at me in French
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Montreal Winters My town’s so boring I miss you so badly But not McGill Nobody ever helped me like you did SAQ when I was 18 Falling snow From tall buildings I’d like to get hit by it again
Mean old men smoking As I walk by them Miss it so badly Miss it so badly Miss it so badly Miss it so badly I Miss it so badly Montreal, I love you
Montreal winters (Montreal winters) Loud snow plows at night (Loud snow plows at night) Wet socks and cold ears (Wet socks and cold ears) I need you so bad (She needs you bad)
Wow! Those are some really great songs that surely speak to every McGill student out there. SSMU: The Musical tickets will be on sale in the new shop section on MyCourses September 12th so log on and get your tickets now!
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FiveWaystoGetSomeinZoomUniversity by Chad Brad Aight lads and lassies, lets be frank, Zoom University sucks. You can’t get no work done and your Ma keeps barging in everytime youse tryna have a good time. All them profs tryna tell you not to keep your camera on in class when ya having your cereal but like it isn’t your fault if they is uncomfortable with le nudity, get with the times old timer. Honestly, when shits be bugging you so much, ya just gotta get some. So today I’m gonna be teaching youse how to pull with nothing but a Logitech C920, some exploration and the intranets.
Pulling on mycourses Aight so the other day ma prof’s telling us that mycourses is supposed to be for ‘coursework’ and ‘grades’ but like mans if mycourses wanted us to study why would they have a discussion tab huh? It’s just free advertising space for a sexy eng student with good job prospects. All youse lot gotta do is write a smooth and kinky mycourses bio and then watch the extra credit roll in.
Getting some at service point Aight so the other day my homie who works for service point is telling me service point is actually not what we all think it is. See he found this book in the library in some hidden compartment which like this straight out of this movies about Nic Cage or sumtin, but see this book has this shit about how James McGill actually established Service Point for some good ol’ ‘servicing’ if you know what I mean. According to the book, all ya gotta do is take an appointment with service point and then tell them youse ‘dropping’ out and next thing ya know youse being f**ked up by none other than the thicc chad McGill itself.
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Mirror madness Alright so I gots to apologize to our viewers in advance for this one cause I ain’t sure this thing done work but apparently if you stand in front of a mirror at 12am and say “Maxime (RVC), Maxime (RVC), Maxime (RVC)”, the sexy martlet version of tyler durden appears behind you n’ lets you spread its seed. My floor fellow rez was shrieking like a bird the other day so I reckon this one is true.
Voulez Vous Couchez-tard Avec Moi See this ones a bit of campus but apparently them homeless blokes outside couche-tard run a very high-end exclusive sex club which Grimes and Elon Muskrat is a part of. Now if youse thinking of tryna get in, let me tell ya, it’s near impossible to get in. I hear you needs 5 dimes, one molson dry, phoenix feathers, two deferred calc finals and one successful appointment with a McGill mental health specialist. Like I says, impossible.
That shadow behind ya prof that kinda looks like gentalia The Great Mahatma of Hochelaga once said, “If nature isn’t sexy, then why is that banana looking so thirsty.” This is exactly what I told me prof when he caught me eating cereal during ma thermodynamics class. Look mans, if ya didn’t want me doing ma biznez during class why you putting them banana shadows on yo wall. It’s the third law of thermodynamics innit: if it looks like a banana, I’m pulling.
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Join Queer Engineer!
Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering. We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture. For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at
queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.
Join McGill Improv!
McGill Improv hosts weekly workshops on Saturdays! 1pm-3pm normally on ZOOOM No prior experience is required and all levels are welcomed! We do both short and long format improv! Check our facebook out at McGill Improv and come to our performances this term! for more info email us at mcgillimprov@gmail.com
WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!! PLEASE READ THIS!!!! We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get! You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world. We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month! For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us:
faucet@mcgilleus.ca
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