The Plumber’s
Faucet
Volume XXXVII Issue I January 2021
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
CONTRIBUTERS
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Editor-In-Chief Hugo Schutzberg
Copy Editors
The Plumber’s Faucet is back for the Winter 2021 Term! We
Shaun Lalani
were on a bit of a hiatus but we are proud to deliver issues
Writers
during a virtual school year. This year we will be looking to
Jules Ismail Benchekroun Denbeigh Whitmarsh
do virtual workshops on satirical writing and perhaps host some comedy nights but all of that is up in the air. This
Disclaimer
The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXVII no. I
issue is a combo of submissions we received for our Cereal/ Serial killer issue last-last November (IK IK we are slacking) and our Space issue. In addition to the wonderful articles we recieved we also put in a throwback section to the old Plumber’s Pot days.
Anyways, enjoy and we hope you hear more from us this semester. We are always looking for writers illustrators and funny people! Your editor,
Hugo Schutzberg
January 2021
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Milk Carton and ‘accomplice’ Pewter Spoon Convicted as Serial Cereal Killers in Long-Standing Missing Cornflakes Case by Chris P. Bacon
The Kitchen – Jan 10th 2020 -- Last evening, police gobbled up the suspects of a long-standing missing-cornflakes case that had been dragging on for a few centuries. Turns out that Mr. Milk Carton, a long-time resident of Upper Door Shelf, The Fridge (The Kitchen), has been convicted along with his long-time friend and accomplice, Mr. Pewter Spoon (of The Top Drawer), as the perpetrators of over ten thousand cornflake kidnappings reported since last fall. Investigators say the pair were working for a mysterious boss only known by the code name of “Little Girl,” and were in fact responsible for the repeated morning massacres taking place in our own home-town. “I saw them in the midst of the action!” said Mrs. T. Kettle, “It was horrible! So many little cornflakes, and they just dumped them all in a pile and then Mr. Carton poured out his contents on them, and Mr. Spoon mercilessly churned them around. They all began to dissolve like they were sitting in an acid bath!” She promptly boiled over with tears. “I can’t believe that something this horrible could happen in our own little town,” said Mr. Sink to reporters. “I mean I do a good job trying to keep things clean around this joint, but I don’t involve myself with happenin’s in The Fridge. Someone ought to empty that place right out – raze the whole thing, I say! Why, the amount of drugs, murder and other crime down there is despicable – absolutely despicable. Those people should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t want my water wasted on washing off their homicides and dirt!” While there are undoubtedly others who share Mr. Sink’s opinion, Miss. D. Shrack proposed a different outlook on the situation: “I feel sorry for all the people of The Fridge. Did you know their average lifespan is not even a quarter of that of the residents of Upper China Cupboard or The Top Drawer? We should be ashamed of ourselves! In my opinion, Mr. Cup and Mrs. Plate should also be incarcerated – they’re the ones sitting up there all high and mighty in their ivory-plated holding sets while people in the lower levels are suffering! Call them “business trips” if you want, but you know if you think about it, every time Cup and Plate go down to the Table, they are directly facilitating the violence! Why is no one questioning this?!?!” The Kitchen Daily will cover the impending court case surrounding the incident when it begins late October. Meanwhile Mr. Carton and Mr. Spoon are to be held on bail in the Recycling Bin till their hearing. If you have any more information on the case please contact Chris P. Bacon, The Fridge (Top Shelf).
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
Tom Holland Meme of The Week
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Serial Killer Gives Himself Up to Police After Listening to Sorority Girls
by Ismail Benchekroun
In a truly bizarre turn of events, serial killer Marshall “Crown Killer” Smith turned himself into authorities today after three long terror-filled years of murders. Smith is known for targeting victims who can claim a “royalty” of any kind. Prom Kings, Pageant Princesses, and Dairy Queen employees, were all in his purview. Thankfully the Clown Killer’s reign of terror is finally at an end. His recent admission of guilt is expected to land him two and a half lifetimes in solitary confinement. Smith’s sudden change of heart apparently arose from his most recent plans to target Margaret Crane, a self-described queen of Kappa Sigma Nu, a Greek life facility. The infamous killer apparently snuck into the sorority house and hid behind the radiator, his plan to strike after the weekly sorority meeting. Things took a turn for the worst, however, when Smith listened in on the meeting, his excitement slowly turning into dread. The Clown Killer initially refused to comment on what was said during the meeting but after continued prodding Smith finally gave in. He looked up, sniffled a little bit and said “Listen I am a literal murderer, I kill people for a living, but those girls...” he shuddered. “They are something else. There is something inherently wrong and evil about them. I know it’s ironic that I’m saying this but I don’t think they have souls.” Smith then proceeded to describe in gruelling detail how he hid behind the radiator frozen in fear for hours until the dead of night when he finally mustered enough courage to flee the house. He went to the nearest police station not a moment after his escape. After recalling this story the former serial killer burst into tears and sunk into a full fetal position. He was forcibly dragged back into his cell by the prison guards. When asked how Smith behaves as a prisoner the guard on duty answered “Usually serial killers like him are cocky sons of bitches, but this guy, it’s like he’s broken. He spends all his time crying and asking for a bunny rabbit to cuddle with. It would be cute if it wasn’t for that whole serial killer thing you know?” When reached out for comment Grace Partridge, Social Chair of Kappa Sigma Nu, said “Oh you know we’re like, we are so happy to have helped out and like, gotten that creep to turn himself in! Kappa Sigs, like, love to help the community you know!” Partridge was also quizzed on what was said at this meeting that drove Smith to turn himself in. Her response was to laugh very loudly, in a way reminiscent of a Hyena, and close the door in this reporter’s face.
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
When the sorority’s brother fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha was reached for comment, one of the brothers threw this reporter a frisbee saying “WE LOVE KAPPA SIGMA NU AND ALL OF THEIR MEMBERS. THEY CAN DO NO WRONG. WE THE BROTHERS OF ALPHA ALPHA ALPHA ALL AGREE WITH THIS AND SHOULD NOT ANSWER ANY MORE QUESTIONS.” He then offered this reporter a tallboy to drink and ran off into the shrubbery. The local community will without a doubt celebrate and thank the girls of Kappa Sigma Nu sorority for their community service. This will bring to end years of coverage surrounding Marshall Smith. And now that I have written this article, can WHOEVER took my pet cat Mr. Snuffles, please please please return him safe and sound. Please I miss him so much.
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Daddy’s Home by Sarah Gao
It was a dark and stormy day. Kind of like a night though since it’s really dark due to the clouds and stuff. Jule was sitting on the creaky barstool of her marble kitchen island ready for some food. The teenager, scrolling through a catalogue of suitable bachelors in a magazine called Tender, began to chew on a snack labelled CAP’N CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CREEEAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK. Jule looked up. She couldn’t register where that abhorrent sound came from. With a wispy accent, akin to that of a valley girl, she beckons “What the fuck, I dropped one of muh cerul.” She bends over to grab her cap’N CRUNCh “ceruuul” but hits her head off the side of the chair as she makes her way back up. CREEEEEEAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK *count to 5 before reading the next part...Here, I can help you: 1, 2, 3, 4, wait for it...5...* “Oh muh gord, this chair knees fixin”, Jule complains in valley girl excitement as she sits back onto the creaky chair and resumes eating her CaP’n CrUnCh. As I said in the last sentence, Jule resumes eating her CaP’n CrUnCh and all of a sudden, she hears a slow knock. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. A low, uncomfortable, creepy voice resembling that of a man, whispers, “Daddy’s home.”
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
Jule looks up startled. At that very moment a strike of lightning happens to strike at the same time she looks ahead. The event sends a cascade of light around the room, just enough to illuminate the shadowy face of the dark figure standing in the door ahead of her. Jule, casually, says “Hey Dad!” But after a second later, it registers. “Wait, my Dad passed away 10 years ago when he choked on his CaP’n CrUnCh.” Jules looks at the figure. GASP *Pause after every one of these gasps for more dramatic effect* She looks at the cereal. MORE GASPS. *You better be pausing* She looks back at the figure. MOREEEEEE GASPSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! Mid last-gasp, two large pieces of CaP’n CrUnCh lodged in between her canine and right back molar were forced into the tremendous swallow, which she seemed to forget how to do. (uh oh) CHOKE. CHOke. choke. She dismounts from her creaky chair and proceeds to perform the heimlich on herself by running her stomach into the marble kitchen island. She screams in pain, “Please, help me, strange father figure!!” The ominous shadow remains at the doorway, idle, seemingly paralyzed, without a single indication of life. “Karma goes a long way,” the shadow pauses, “Jules.”
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Jule begins to tear up with the thought of something triggering a near death experience, “There’s no ‘s’ at the end of my name!” “Also-” she continues, “Who are you?! Reveal yourself!” *All of sudden, the stylistic formatting of this prose, turns into that of a play!* The shadowy figure bumps into the dimly lit, kitchen marble island: “Ow! Yo gurl, you was actually running into this?” Jule, nearly dying, her hand on her neck, her other hand reaching out to grab the countertop as her knees are beginning to collapse underneath her, sees the figure and responds: “Yes, bitch it hurt, thats why im dying rn... Also, No way...... It can’t be...... No way” Shadowy Figure: “Yes, way, I have come back, after all these years of watching you continue your father’s legacy and kill my people” Jules: CaPtAIN Crunch..... YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KILLED MY FATHER! CaPtAIN Crunch: Now you know what it feels like to have the people you love the most taken away from you! Jule, still somehow speaking even though she was dying not too long ago: Well, this one crunch, this one is dedicated to you-!!!!! Jule, with every last bit of energy and life left in her body, reaches for the box of CaP’n Crunch, and drinks every last piece of dry cereal she possibly can, before herOH, she dead now. Chuckling, CaPtain CrUnCh mutters: Like father like daughter.... JULES Lying, on the cold, hard, marble ground, Jule’s lifeless body........ Lies. CaPtain Crunch, disgusted, bends down and picks up the remaining pieces of what’s left in the cereal box.... in his old, cereal-smelling hands. “My children...” A tear begins to drip down his old, cereal-smelling face. “Daddy’s Home”.
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV XXXVII No. I
Faucet writer reacts LIVE to crazy MadeByMcGill campaign ad - Transcribed Born from a Will.
For what?
Who are we, Jaden Smith?
Made by lamplight and by late nights.
Made here.
And construction ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Where?
By “saluts!” And goodbyes.
By dreamers and risk takers.
Salut is already goodbye. McGill wouldn’t
More like: “By riskers and dream takers.”
know that though. Because it’s not made of
By makers and big thinkers.
‘saluts’, mainly goodbyes. Also why is “saluts!”
Makers of what?
in quotes and not goodbyes? I’ll tell you why:
Through trial and error.
Because McGill was not made by “saluts”. It was
Is trial and error really an inspiring way to
made by goodbyes. Whatever that means.
do things? 3 year-olds use trial and error.
By questioning everything and feeding our
We face what’s ahead.
curiosity.
That’s what facing means. You can’t face
This one I’m okay with. This is the sort of thing
what’s behind, or else it wouldn’t be ‘be-
that results in believing the Earth is flat but,
hind’.
personally, that’s fine.
Staying true to the voice that never fails
By testing our resilience.
us.
Like our resilience against finally changing the
Self-indulgent; stay true to all voices as they
former name of our men’s sports teams?
are equal.
Desautels’ student board straight up voted
“Keep learning.”
against removing the Redmen name. <- They
Who said this?
took time in their agenda to discuss the pros
We were made for this.
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January 2021 and cons of keeping the Redmen
paper plate. And when I went to recycle the
name, and they decided that ‘nah,
plate, I found that the garbage and recycling
let’s keep it’, despite Aboriginal mem-
were both on opposite sides of the room.
bers of the school student body pub-
We’re made where ideas are built and
licly and explicitly stating that the
built upon.
term hurt them.
And forget about compost because there
By finding our limits.
was no compost.
Desautels did this. Maybe other facul-
Where we buy milk
ties did too.
People say humans are the only species to
By pushing forward and by breaking
drink milk from another species.
through.
And we eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Desautels actively said NO to remov-
I feel like drinking another species’ milk is
ing the Redmen name.
an odd choice to be the pinnacle example of
By finding a new way.
human-centrism. Also, cats drink milk from
At a SSMU-run workshop on environ-
another species.
mental sustainability, they stressed
Crave those crazy squares.
the importance of having the garbage,
I have no issues with this line. It’s good.
recycling and compost all be next to each other so people don’t dump all their waste in the trash for convenience’s sake. Our own way. After the SSMU workshop, we had a lunch break. It was pizza, served on a
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The Plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
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A Blast From The Past The Plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pot (January 9th 1986)
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
Plumber’s Faucet Virtual Satircal Writing Workshop Featuring Panel of Accomplished Satirical Writers
Details to Come Planned for late January 2021
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Join Queer Engineer!
Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering. We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture. For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at
queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.
Join McGill Improv!
McGill Improv hosts weekly workshops on Saturdays! 1pm-3pm normally on ZOOOM No prior experience is required and all levels are welcomed! We do both short and long format improv! Check our facebook out at McGill Improv and come to our performances this term! for more info email us at mcgillimprov@gmail.com
WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!! PLEASE READ THIS!!!! We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get! You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world. We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month! For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us:
faucet@mcgilleus.ca
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXVII No. I
GOVERNMENT BULLETIN JULY 7th by Jules
Your cosmic government invites you to ensure all of our safety by complying with the ban on earthly goods. On June 30th, we unveiled our three step plan: “Stop! No Earth Goods” along with a schedule of increasing fines for individuals discovered bringing these goods past cosmo-barriers. We regret to inform you that these fines have been an insufficient deterrent and certain individuals continue to transport illicit goods such as: bicycles (these float away), Earth Instruments*, wrenches, private aircraft, calculators, compasses, maps of Earth, Global Positioning software, engine parts, fuel, helmets, and all written or recorded materials pertaining to: the Wright Brothers, Buzz Aldrin, and Yuri Gagarin. As a result, we announce the inauguration of the Cosmic Safety and Anti-Panic Phone Line. Using this free resource, citizens may report infractions observed or suspected and play an important role in the preservation of our planet. Remember, Stop! No Earth Goods. *As of 2057, “Earth Instruments” refers to all instruments
Office of Communications, July 2060 Moving Forward, Together
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