The Controversial Issue

The Plumber’s

CONTRIBUTERS

Editor-In-Chief

Wade Radmore

Head Editor

Chahd El Mbarki

Layout Manager

Kazuto Kambara

Publications Director

Charlotte Volk

Writers

Jacob Bellini

Kazuto Kambara

Shaun Lalani

Wade Radmore

Illustrators

Wade Radmore

Disclaimer (so we don’t get shutdown again)

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIX no. II

October 2022

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hello again Faucet Readers,

I come today bearing horrible news when introducing this month’s “Controversial Issue”.

On the morrow of our Faucet distribution day, Faucet issues were delivered to the Engineering sanctuary at McConnell, the reclusive mountainous heights of Trottier, and the den of the soon-to-be-unemployed, the Arts building. This third building I’ve listed here experienced a devilish sleight. All of the dozen issues of the Faucet were miraculously sent to the recycling bin, with a shitload of McGill Dailys taking its place.

I approached the Daily in search of an answer for their disgusting waste of paper and unsportsmanlike behaviour. They informed me that my issue could not be resolved as their department is horizontally structured, so there was nobody to keep the culpable party responsible.

I see how it is. They write articles on the climate strike while trashing paper like Manfredi at the strip club. They oppose the patriarchy while holding down us smaller publications, upholding the page-iarchy. They hate fake news but call their weekly newspaper the ‘Daily’. Amateurs.

As you read through our articles on Jaywalking, Central Asian dishes, Desautels, and more, make sure to remember: if you tell yourself that it’s funny, you’ll laugh more. Oh, and also don’t forget: “Down with the Daily!”

Please write for us,

Wade - Editor-in-Chief

This article has been removed.

This article has been removed.

Québec Jaywalking Arrests Triple After Cop Stationed Outside McGill Gates

By: Legally Strawberry Blonde

Motorists believe that if the jaywalking epidemic continues, their precious Hondas and Ford F-150s may end up looking like this.

Officer Renault, Greg, has averaged 7 arrests a day as many silly froshies carelessly put motorists’ lives at risk. Greg told The Faucet, “Some of these animals really believe they can make it across in just the remaining 3 seconds. Thankfully a kind motorist was able to ram one offender, James Lawrence, performing a citizen’s arrest.” It’s a thankless job for Greg, as these offenders are as dangerous as they get, but we all applaud him for keeping the streets safe.

As we all know, jaywalking is a harmful lifestyle choice that puts innocent motorists in stress and danger. A jaywalking piéton can ruin any cheerful motorist’s day with their careless steps causing unnecessary dents and blood splatter on their car’s grills. Following mass protest from the community of vulnerable motorists, an officer, Greg Renault, was stationed outside the McGill gates to crack down on this blight of society.

An image of the psychotic criminal James Lawrence attempting to regain motor functions after his taste of divine justice.

We spoke to James in his hospital room as he awaited his fine while healing his severed spinal cord. “I didn’t understand the effects my actions could have on the motorists of Montreal, but now I do,” he said. “After such an offence, I believe it is poetic justice that I’ll never be able to jaywalk again. Thank you, Greg.”

We all pray he never recovers.

yeah, they taste just like churros.” First-year McGill student in Hot Water after Lying about the Taste of Samosas during an Interview.

By: Shaun Lalani

Outrage was the name of the day after McGill freshman Émile Ratatouille lied about the taste of Samosas, comparing the esteemed delicacy to a lowly Churro. In an interview with The Plumber’s Faucet, Ratatouille’s original intent was to announce his candidacy as the President of the McGill Food Science Association (FSA), but the first-year student instead chose to use his platform attempting to build a web of lies. “I mean, the only difference between the two is their shape. It’s just triangles and straight lines!”

When confronted with evidence that the Samosa was an Indo-Persian appetizer as opposed to a Mexican one, Ratatouille double-downed, accusing our reporter of asking misleading questions, “You pronounced it like Her-mo-sa, of course I thought it was Mexican or something.”

The first-year Culinary-Arts Major doubled-down on his attempt to lie, “Ok look, the President of the FSA isn’t supposed to know what some stupid potato dessert tastes like. When I decided to sit down for this interview, I was under the assumption you’d

Officer Greg Renault will also be suing Mr. Lawrence for damages after receiving a horrible paper cut from the ticket he wrote for the basketcase.

“Oh

ask me about my views on the conflict in the Gaza Strip and how SSMU politics could have an impact on its outcome. The issue of a Sa-mo-ser is beneath the office of a Food Science Association President.”

It wasn’t long before the outrage hit Twitter. One user, whose profile picture was that of a naked Marty the Martlet fursona, said: “I didn’t pay tuition at McGill so that some wannabe could desecrate the corpse of the holy triangle. I pay tuition so I can draw erotic pictures of Sidney Treadeau during my MATH 141 class. Expel this degenerate!” The discontent was also evident on the streets.

One passerby who happened to be the Chapter President of the Alpha Delta Gamma frat said, “I think the entire situation demands indignation. Every McGill student knows that the word Samosa is a denomination of the Sanskrit word समोसा and the Middle-Eastern sanbosag (گسوبنس). And that the Samosa has an aroma akin to fresh coriander and caraway, with its taste and texture, rich in crust and potatoes with soft overtones of chillies and cumin. It’s culturally insensitive not to know such basic information. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go buy some black shoe polish for our Justin Trudeau-themed Halloween frat-fest!”

While Ratatouille’s expulsion is imminent, the McGill Board of Directors must now decide if his dishonesty merits Crucifixion. Proponents of the execution cite past precedents of capital punishment, including the case of ‘Flood Girl’, who was publicly drowned on Rue McTavish for pronouncing Gerts as “J-erts” like the ‘J’ in J-elly.

The Plumber’s Faucet, which humbly endorses all forms of torture and capital punishment, will continue to provide enthusiastic updates about the fate of Mr. Ratatouille in the coming weeks.

Pictured: Ratatouille at the Churro-eating competition last Monday.

The Case for Desautels: Are they Really as Racist as the

Headlines Make them Out to be?

By: Michael R. Burns

After the McGill Tribune released an exposé on the rampant racism in McGill’s business program at Desautels last year, I knew it was my duty as a satirist to get to the bottom of this controversy with some investigative journalism. To do this, I went undercover for two weeks and into the “Deep South” of McGill, known as Desautels.

Week One: Undercover as a Business Student

So far, not a single act of racism! In fact, I’d say the community is almost uplifting. Doors were held for me, professors always asked me how my day had been, and I got to sit in the front of the class in the “whites section” that the professor said was only for smart students! Finally, somewhere that I felt like I belonged! This program most definitely gets two thumbs up, and that’s the white man’s guarantee!

I have yet to discover what the problem is within the faculty. Those of the minority communities may possibly be overly sensitive. Maybe if they showed that they’ve got the brains like I did, they’d be welcome in the front of the class as well. Nevertheless, as the well-trained journalist I am working at McGill’s most trustworthy newspaper, The Plumber’s Faucet, I had to get the full scoop from both sides.

Week Two: Underconver as a Business Professor

Getting this job wasn’t too hard. In fact, they didn’t even need to see my resume! When they heard my name and saw my picture, they said I looked perfect for the job! Despite what recent headlines would lead readers to believe, the faculty was much more diverse than advertised. We had very feminine and masculine white men, as well as very racist and only somewhat racist white men.

Every friend group has their black sheep though. One of the Management professors is half-white and half-Mexican, so we all agreed to hang out with him

half of the week and for the other half to hurl horrifyingly vile but increasingly clever slurs at him. This professor, who, for the sake of anonymity, shall be referred henceforth as Mr. Rotchburns, was actually a good friend of mine.

On Thursday, after finishing teaching, Mike, as his name was, and I went to the bar. After expressing my surprise for him not riding to the spot on a donkey, he and I would share stories about the good times, like on Monday when we treated him like a white guy. At that moment, I had an incredible epiphany. “Mike Rotchburns,” I said, “what if we treated you and everyone else like white guys all of the time.”

I returned to the university on Friday, eager to share my discovery with my fellow professors. One of the professors waved a paper in my face right as I entered the lounge. “We’ve learned your secret,” he said. I shuddered. Had they learned that I am actually a first-year student, only pretending to be a university professor? “2% Lebanese, that’s what it says here.”

I gasped, for they found my crux… my ancestry.com results I had publicly posted on my Facebook page two years ago. “I’m sorry, but we only have room for one mixed person in this faculty. I’m sure the Shawarma at Upper Rez will have you, though.” Those bastards.

Week Three: Just a Dude Reflecting

I see now the pain, ridicule, and anger felt by these minority groups on campus. I’m only 2% Lebanese, so I couldn’t imagine how the 100% feel. And how dare they stereotype shawarma at me! I’m a falafel guy! It took me two weeks of seeing things from both sides to realize: racism is wrong.

To show my dedication to this result, I think it’s now time I end discrimination altogether. With a founder like James McGill, it’s a real shock to me that racism ever existed on this campus. So if any of you has a petition to end racism, sign me up because of all people I know, I think I probably hate racism really, really badly and all of the time.

#JusticeForMikeRotchburns

Millard

McGill #2: The Protestors

Jokes Written by my Grandmother that are Not At All

Controversial – with Commentary by Expert on Dementia

By: Sandra-Jean Radmore & Dr. Wade Radmore, M.D.

Given the controversial topics spanning the pages of this month’s issue, I thought adding some wholesomeness to the mix would be worthwhile. To accomplish this complex feat, I called upon my seventy-four-year-old grandmother to pen her best jokes for the younger generations. Below shall follow her jokes, followed by my analysis and commentary on her impeccable wit and undeniable charm.

Grandma: “What do you tell your grandson when he has no patience? “You will never be a doctor!”

Analysis: This joke essentially makes the normative claim that, under the assumption that patience refers to its homophone of “patients,” a doctor would be unable to make a living if it were the case that they did not have any clientele to service. How absolutely absurd! For a brief moment, consider what a doctor’s workday would look like were they to be patient-less. It would have to be Halloween since they’d only be practicing medicine on ghosts! Delightful. So that’s why a future career in being a doctor wouldn’t be the bestcase scenario for a gentleman of my stature. Thanks for the life advice, Grams!

Grandma: “What do you call your grandson who lives in British Columbia? Answer: The Best of the West.”

Analysis: This one is very clever. My grandmother relies on her historical and geographical knowledge here, so don’t feel like an absolute moron if the punchline flew over your head. First, British Columbia is the westernmost province of Canada, placing it firmly under the scope of the term ‘west.’ Second, I (the grandson of reference) am in the west under this hypothetical scenario. Now, I’m no genius here, but it would imply that since I am definitively the best (by virtue of being better than all of you), I would continue to be the best if I were in the west. Brilliant humour! Good show, good show!

Grandma: “I asked my grandson if he loved life as much as I do. He said, “Ask me again when I’m 74!”

Analysis: Here, my grandmother laments about her prime years when she reached her

peak happiness at 74 years of age. When I say, “ask me again when I’m 74,” it’s code for saying, no, grandma, life is significantly better right now as a twenty-year-old man who knows how to switch from Netflix to cable on the TV, uses morphine recreationally instead of medically, and am not in constant and horrible pain.

Grandma: “What’s the difference between grandma and grandson? Answer: mason!”

Analysis: Any linguistics major can earn their diploma with this absolute unit of a tongue twister. My grandma got Scrabble on her iPad and is now prominently boasting her language skills. Of course, I always make sure to correct her that beyond her silly response of “mason,” some other serious differences between us would be 54 years of life, our genders, my high school diploma, her morphine addiction, and, of course, our favourite characters on the Big Bang Theory.

Grandma: “I asked my grandson if he was paying for breakfast, but he said he had NO MONEY. I asked, “How come?” He said he broke his bank!”

Analysis: Even an expert such as myself could not comprehend this joke. I ask that you all pause for a moment to consider the genius you’ve been graced with. Now that you have thought about it, allow me to explain. The reason for my lack of money in this scenario was that I had broken my piggy bank and had nothing remaining. Of course, that’s only what I told Grandma! Typically, I visit her every weekend, pretend it’s been a year, and take my $200 cheque and make her pay for dinner because I have NO MONEY. Who even has a piggy bank nowadays? It’s called the blockchain, Grandma, and the omelette place doesn’t accept Bitcoin; stay with the times.

Grandma: “My grandson was driving me to the mall. I told him to turn left at the next corner. He said “right.” I said, “no, go left!” and again, he said, “right.” I guess he doesn’t listen to grandma.”

Analysis: Don’t be ashamed if this one tricked you because it almost fooled me! Here, my grandmother is mistaking my pleas for her to turn right as a serious hearing defect on my end. As it turned out, my grandma was trying to make me turn left into a ditch in an attempt to swerve into the man her schizophrenia continued to conjure up on the road. Do not worry. This apparition only appears when she is off her meds, and I ensure to inject her with enough morphine every time I visit for this to not normally occur.

SSMU’s Activities Night boasts Massive Turnout, Wait Time second only to Student Wellness Hub

By: Joonah Schenck

Liberated at last from the restrictions of the pandemic, the student body flocked to 3501 Peel to get a taste of McGill’s once vibrant extracurricular life. Extending well into Avenue des Pins, the queue, formed of hundreds of students looking to get at least something extracurricular on their CVs, easily outclassed all other wait times in the university. Well, this would be the case if it were not for the hours of deferment required to get a 15-minute doctor’s appointment at the Student Wellness Hub.

“It’s a lot of dedication they’re asking for here,” one participant commented. “Any longer than this and I would only tolerate it if my long-term well-being were on the line!”

SSMU’s VP Internal said that the well-timed weather events were a “cherry on top” for the remarkable demonstration of McGill’s enthusiasm to be involved in student societies. The downpour drenched some students with as much foresight as SSMU itself. “It is moving to see the perseverance that makes students at McGill so special,” she said in a short conference with student publications. “It should be on all of us to continue to push their limits with new challenges, not just the Faculty and Student Services.”

Quebec Premier Gives Heartwarming Welcome to Incoming McGill Students with Only Somewhat Racist Speech

By: Jean-François Thibault

MONTREAL, QC. François Legault, Premier of the National Assembly of Québec, was the keynote speaker at McGill University’s reopening of the campus for a post-pandemic education experience. Legault, suited in his traditional Québecois outfit of pantaloons with a checkered pattern of fleur-de-lys, a freshly-lit cigarette in his mouth, and a Tupperware container with some maple-bacon poutine for later.

He delivered what many have called “the second greatest thing to come out of the French language, behind only silence,” and others have called, “I don’t know, I don’t speak French.” For the sake of our English readers of the Faucet, I went ahead and condensed his speech into only the best parts. I’ve also gone through the efforts of translating the speech to English so nobody is reminded of the time when an old Quebecois hag chastised them for speaking English in her beloved future ethnostate.

“Bienvenue, welcome new students! I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you all are now students at the greatest university in all of the nation of Quebec! The bad news is that you are also all now students of the greatest university in poor-excuse-for-anation Canada. But we will not let this get us down! The last time we let our anger out against Canada was when the honourable Front de Libération du Québec kidnapped those men in October 1970! Rest easy, patriots. We all know the unhonourable kidnappee jumped off the building to kill himself and that you all had no influence on his free decision!”

“Donc, I have come here to announce that McGill will be seeing major changes over the course of the next few years. It has come to my attention that this is in fact an English university! So, we will be restricting University access just to historical Anglophones from here on out. By historical anglos, I must be clear; it means whatever the caliss we want it to!”

“Thanks to Bill 21, McGill has seen major improvements. While we, unfortunately, could not ban professors from wearing hijabs and turbans— I mean non-secular attire, we have still seen major improvements in terms of attracting primarily white and French immigrants! Un gros succes! Our next goal is to ban all forms of religious worship at the university!”

“Speaking of French immigration, Quebec is officially the #1 destination outside of France for

French immigration! We’ve been trying to get those numbers down since winning the last election, but we only ended up breaking more records! Quebec is now the #1 destination for anti-French immigrant hate crimes! But do not worry; those hate crime statistics are strong among all immigrant groups, not just the French, so do not fear; we do not discriminate! This will certainly help CAQ in the polls!”

“I’ve recently discovered that a historical Quebec icon has been shamed at this school! Removing a statue of the great James McGill, tabarnak! Have our traditional Quebec values taught you anything, criss! We could replace him with great representative Robert Bourassa? How about beautiful Quebec hero Rene Levesque? Maybe I win one more term, and it can be glorious Francois Legault statue, hmm? When have I ever done anything worth cancelling me for?”

While some members of the McGill community spoke out against Legault at the event, the vast majority of students just didn’t show up because they had mistaken the event for the polls. Many who did not attend the rally did complain to McGill staff about Francois Legault, especially after he admitted during the speech that “it has recently come to [his] attention that the use of racial slurs are, in fact, racist.”

We here at the Faucet would like to wish Legault a successful tenure in his return to the office and thank him for recognizing our paper’s historical anglophone routes, lack of depictions of obscene symbols such as headscarves and kippahs (representative of anti-Quebec religious diversity), and depiction of him as most glorious Chairman and revolutionary of Quebec’s movement towards complete cultural homogeneity!

Word Search for Glorious Language

Psst ... Guess what?

There’s another publications group in the EUS that *wink wink* might even be better than the Faucet.* It’s called the Plumber’s Ledger.

Our content covers just about anything that you’re interested in, ranging from research to life hacks, current events to poems, short stories and even comics. You can get involved in any and all parts of the writing, publishing, and printing process. We’re always on the lookout for writers, editors, illustrators, photographers and other creative roles.

*This claim has been fact-check as false by the Faucet

Join McGill Improv!

Social anxiety, lack of comedic ability, and having too much sex. These are just a few of the things that Improv can remedy for you!

Come join McGill Improv for a fun, welcoming community of improvisers and comedians. We have a variety show in the McConnell Basement on the first and third Wednesday of every month and workshops every Thursday evening. Follow @mcgillimprov on all social media for more info!

We are looking for writers, editors, illustrators, and executives at the Faucet. It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a newspaper, looks good on a resume, and is a great way to make new friends and slip into the McGill comedy scene.

We literally publish ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or not. We publish our magazine twice a semester.

For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca and join our Facebook group!