the plumber’s Vol. 47 no. 2 •October 18, 2012
(McGill)
Cover by J. Padsky
2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead God-Emperror of the Faucet Daniel Dicaire Exalted Lords of Content David Bailey Ben Share Malavika Subramanian Brigid Cami Amanda Dos Santos Jessica Padsky Jason Willems Soul-Stealing Box Operator Ali Najmabadi
Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 46 no. 2 Thor’s day, October 18, 2012
the plumber’s FAUCET
Letter From the Editor
Cowboys: The Secret History by Daniel Dicaire
We have several new writers to the Faucet this year. Most of them have been fans for a long time before taking the plunge, as I was so many years ago in 2010.
Well, the jig is up. The wildly heralded “Ro-DeeNo” article has blown the lid off the secret history of the western hemisphere’s equestrian Nazi: The Cowboy. It is finally clear that when the EUS Frosh Committee selected the theme of RODEO-WEEK, they knowingly and willingly were supporting rape culture and all things evil. With the deception exposed, I, being the stereotypical super villain that I am, will reveal the truth (in a monologue form).
Ahh, those were the days: before the protests, the tear gas, and when the busses cost $2.75. You kids these days don’t understand what life was like before iPads and the Crystal Phallus. Campus was a tough place. Now I eat supper at 3 PM and go to sleep by six while watching reruns of Matlock. GET OFF MY LAWN!
When the Spanish first settled in the new world, they found a land rich with natural resources and people ripe for the conquering. They were called “Conquistadors” which secretly translates to “Cowboy”. First among them to set foot
Hello to all of you loyal Faucet readers! Welcome back to the regular editions of The Plumber’s Faucet! Whereas our first issue was targeted at the young and naive Froshies that enter our sacred halls each fall, the regular issues that will return to brighten your day every few weeks are here for everyone! I can’t deny that I am very excited to see what this year has in store for the campus’s most loved and hated publication!
Back on point: Midterms have begun. School stops being about how many keg stands you can do before you puke and more about how many differential equations you can solve before you puke. Just remember that it’s only five more days to Friday, and then Blues Pub ‘ill wash your wounds away.
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on the land was James McGill: the roughenest, toughenest,drunkenest hombre that ever lived on either side of the Mississippi. He rode north from Hispaniola on his hell horse that he affectionately referred to as the“Pain Train”. He settled and established bars, casinos, strip clubs, and brothels as he went - all while crushing local resistance and making little sense in a historical perspective. He ultimately invented the Dallas Cowboys, purely to ogle at their newly assembled cheer leading squad. He gave up his career 468 years later when his beloved Pain Train choked on a baby carcass and died. He retired to Montreal, where he founded the Conservative Party of Canada. He spent the twilight years
of his life lusting after a young girl and conceiving a vampire baby, hence the name of his biography, Twilight. On his deathbed, he told his best friends Benito Mussolini and Kim Jong Il that he didn’t want to be remembered for his murders, his rape culture, the way he likes his cowgirls, that one night he guessed wrong in Cancun, his invention of the apple fritter, his feud with country legend Johnny Cash, or the Dallas Cowboys. He wanted to be remembered for the best University in Canada; where people are free to drink next to statues of three naked men and to publish articles in the Daily with no worries about insignificant details like facts. Engineering RodeeO-Week was a remembrance of what James McGill was really about, not what every credible source will tell you. Congratulations to the Daily for discovering our secret. Now, Mister Bond, I expect you to die!
See you there!
-DD
Planned Addition to the Statue
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McGill’s Missing Prank Culture by Slap ‘n Slide (Jason Willems) There is something lacking in McGill engineering. Well, two things perhaps— although the lack of women won’t come as a surprise to the reader. What McGill engineering desperately needs is something that it hasn’t had for a very long time: a prank culture. It may seem irrelevant to all but a few students, but the prank cultures that have developed at prestigious universities across Canada and the United States are actually an area of pride for students and school administrations alike. The coverage that results from a well executed prank provides a perfect demonstration of engineers’ education. After all, many pranks performed by undergraduates would be remarkable feats for experienced engineers.
Amongst the most famous pranks: in 2010 MIT welded a “master-chief” helmet from the Halo series to a Harvard statue; in 2003 MIT placed a
In direct contrast to McGill, when I toured U of T much of the discussion was dedicated to the engineers’ annual pranks which information packages created by their student union proudly displayed, explaining the engineering knowledge involved with their execution. Similarly UBC and many other Canadian universities pride themselves on their annual pranks while McGill shies away from the topic entirely.
“without it McGill will always be forced to look with envy towards the accomplishments and spirit of our rivals”
Furthermore, a prank culture is an integral component in fostering strong engineering spirit. Without it McGill will always be forced to look with envy towards the accomplishments and spirit of our rivals. The organization, teamwork and execution — as well as the actual engineering involved — of mediocre university pranks would easily put my final design project to shame.
model-replica of the Wright Brothers’ plane on the roof of a school building to mark the 100th anniversary of their first flight; and in 2004 MIT sent its students disguised as Harvard students to a Harvard-Yale football game and handed out red and white boards of paper to everyone in the stands, which when held up by Harvard students spelt out “We Suck”.
Are all pranks harmless? Certainly not — there are undoubtedly students that disapprove of them, and there is certainly a risk and cost associated with dismantling many of them. But should the fear of repercussions be so great that McGill engineers entirely refrain from participat-
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ing in the prank culture that even President Obama lauded MIT for in a 2009 speech and that Nobel Laureates such as Richard Feynman actively participated in? With the McGill Administration’s clampdown on everything from clubs using the McGill name to increasingly micromanaging events like frosh, a prank culture may meet tremendous resistance and will certainly receive no support. The last notable prank McGill engineers played was when the PPO unscrewed all the chairs in Leacock auditorium, which despite being paid for monetarily and through severe punishments, has ushered in a half century without any major pranks or strong engineering spirit. Pranking can of course go too far, as UBC knows well, but when it is clever it can add immense value to the reputation of a school. We should be respectful, prepared to take reasonable responsibility, and choose innovative, non-destructive pranks that triumphantly display McGill engineering — something that McGill can proudly proclaim that only their engineers could accomplish. Continuing a culture of pranking is easy; establishing one is not. While it will be difficult, I’m confident that with enough support and passionate engineers some of the barriers can slowly be eroded.
“I think the button must be broken”
Romney’s Challenge to Engineers by Amanda Dos Santos Are you out of ideas for a design project? Do you not know what to do after graduation? Have you considered going into research but are clueless as to where to begin? Read the following announcement carefully. This November, Mitt Romney will become President of the United States. As such, it is of prime importance that we adapt our engineering efforts to the new presidency. At a conference a few weeks ago, Romney voiced concern about the fact that “airplane windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that”. Indeed, the sealed window is a serious design flaw of air transportation. The very essence of the Republican Party is freedom. If Mitt Romney and his wife want to roll down the windows on Air Force One, they should have the freedom to do so!
Here is the best part. We can make it happen and we can start today. Forget solar powered cars or Mars rovers; those are design problems of the past. Think of the success, glory, and power gained by aligning your research with the desires of Romney, future leader of the world’s most influential nation. Do not let this chance go to waste! [Disclaimer: As amazing as this opportunity is, not all engineers can work on the same project. Other Romney-friendly projects include but are not limited to: F1 cars with roll-down windows, submarines with roll-down windows, nuclear plants with roll-down windows, horse bicycles, perpetual motion devices, and dividing by zero.]
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Tribute to the Daily
by Liquid Giggles with inspiration from U-Crane is Weak
A Tip of the Hat to the Second Best Satirical Newspaper on Campus – The McGill Daily We at the Plumber’s Faucet enjoy a good laugh. As a result, we have all been having a really great time reading the McGill Daily recently. Their outrageous claims, extreme exaggerations, and general absurdity have made it the second best satirical paper on campus (after the Faucet, of course). I can’t remember
a time when it was a serious publication, but in this stressful day and age we can always use a bit more comedy. This is why we were all very impressed by their absurd invectives against Engineering Frosh activities. It all started with Natalie Church’s Rod-dee-NO week article. Though it was worthy of contempt when applied to
a serious discussion of real issues, it was a piece of satirical genius for those with a sense of humour. It even spawned a few other silly articles “defending” it, almost like an Internet meme. At the risk of beating a dead horse, we’d like you to add your own contribution to the fun. We took out some words from our favourite part of the Rod-dee-NO article,and would like you to fill them back in. Put some words in the spaces below, copy them to page 9, and you’ll see that you too are ready to contribute to the Daily!
Fill in your words below, and see how great a Daily Writer you are on Page 9! 1. noun 2. adjective 3. noun 4. noun 5. noun 6. noun, plural 7. noun, plural 8. noun, plural 9. noun, plural 10. adjective 11. adjective Enter for your chance to win one grand prize of $5,000, one of our secondary prizes, or gift cards to help you get equipped for the new school year*. And to make sure your wallet is well-equipped too, check out our financial solutions for students.
Enter now:
nbc.ca/getsetforschool
*No purchase required. Winner must correctly answer a mathematical skill-testing question. Open to Canadian residents who have reached the age of majority and are full-time university or college students. The contest ends on October 21, 2012. Grand prize: $5,000 (draw on October 26, 2012). Secondary prizes: 1 front-loading washing machine (approximate value of $1,000) and 5 GAP gift cards worth $100 each (draw on September 3, 2012); 1 bicycle (approximate value of $1,000) and 5 Sports Experts gift certificates worth $100 each (draw on September 24, 2012); 1 refrigerator (approximate value of $1,000) and 5 IKEA gift cards worth $100 each (draw on October 15, 2012). Retailers are not sponsoring nor are they associated with this promotion. Contest rules available at nbc.ca/getsetforschool.
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12. noun, plural 13. noun 14. noun 15. verb, past tense 16. something that you write (essay, note, etc..) 17. noun, plural 18. verb, ending in “-ing” 19. something you shout 20. noun
Grade Expectations
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Cultural Exchange in Philadelphia
Faucet Game Corner!
by Always Naked in Philadelphia, Chief Foreign Correspondent
PHILADELPHIA - When I first came to McGill two years ago as a starry-eyed undergrad, I knew I would be living a different lifestyle than I was used to. Not because I would be confined to a prison-like sentence of nine months in rez, but because I was going to be living in a different country. I mean, I figured coming to Canada from America would not be that much of a culture shock. I didn’t realize that Quebec is like the resentful, chain-smoking, financiallychallenged cousin in our North American extended family. And now, after spending a summer with my cousins in Quebec, I’m ready to show my parents in America all the amazing things I have learned! Now that I am living back in home in America this semester, I will be doing my best to document my exploits as an American who lived in Quebec who lives in America again. In Quebec, one tradition that I have come to embrace is getting sloppy drunk and dancing on a bar with my friends. This may or may not be more of an “engineering” custom, but I learned it in Quebec so fuck it. Unfortunately, in America, this lead to two problems. One, apparently people in America get all bent out of shape if you drink underage
Mad Lib for the McGill Daily:
(apparently that law is actually enforced south of the border). Secondly, people in America don’t take kindly to drunk engineers dancing on tables. I have no idea why, but I will not give up in my quest for cross cultural pollination! Another thing Americans never seem to have been exposed to is OAP. I mean, we have barbecues all the time but it’s just not the same. Since I can’t purchase beer by the pallet or find anyone to drink beer and barbecue with at 10 am on a Tuesday, I ended up having an OAP all by myself. It was still pretty awesome, but I would have liked to do it with my friends. My very own MERTW pub crawl was also a bust, since I am not of legal age to drink in America. Instead of stumbling from bar to bar with my friends, downing beers left and right, I stumbled around in my basement like a 15 year old high school student, downing beers left and right. This aspect of the MERTW pub crawl is still
(See page 7 first!) The 1.______________-themed Engineering Frosh glorifies the men and women of the 2. ______________West: those brave individuals called 3.______________boys and 3.____________ girls, who, seeking 4.______________ and 5.______________ in the wild frontier inhabited by 6.________________, appropriated innumerable 7._______________. Likewise, the founders of McGill forcibly appropriated 8._____________ – not to mention James McGill’s purchase of 9.______________. Engineering Frosh organizers chose a theme which drags up 10.______________ memories for those in our community who have connections to the 11._______________ population; in the process, they used props like toy 12. ______________ that serve to glorify 13. ____________ and 14. ____________. They should be 15. _____________, even if they need to be lassoed into writing a 16._______________. Too bad organizers, leaders, and newcomers to McGill, like those 17._____________ of the past, will be too busy 18.______________ the streets of Montreal shouting 19._____________ and anti-Concordia cheers to write a 16.______________. James McGill, the 20._____________ of Canada, would be proud.
OAP in America intact, though the police in suburban Philadelphia are not nearly as understanding when it comes to loud, obnoxious engineering songs being sung at 11 pm in my parents’ basement. While it is nice to be living in America again, it just isn’t the same as it used to be. Now that I’m confined by the oppressive laws of the supposedly “freest country in the world,” I’ve never been more bored or missed Montreal more!
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Party Game:
1
Human Jenga 3
2
Sexy Sudoku
Caption This!
Add your own book title and Position for Klondook
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the plumber’s FAUCET
FAUC 262 – Ridiculous Measurements Laboratory by Liquid Giggles
You are no doubt familiar with standard units of measurement for such things as length, weight, force, and ability with the ladies. That road is w kilometers long, that dog weighs x pounds, that rocket pushes with y Newtons of force, and that man has z Liquid Giggles of virility (mathematical restriction of z<1). But what does it mean if someone says, “There is a shit-load of people,” or, “The engineers drank a
fuck-ton of beers”? People misuse these values all the time – today, I’m going to teach you how to use them like a pro. Using $12,000 I found lying out in the open in the AUS Office last year, I took a trip to the Greenwich Society of Standard Weights and Measures in England to get to the bottom of these inconsistently used measurements. I have created a guide which will allow you to use profanity-
Table 1 – Base Units
Base Unit Ton Load Wad
Value 100 12 10 (metric) or 3 (Imperial)
“I’m sure the prof failed a shit-wad of students last midterm.”
System Metric Imperial Metric or Imperial
“If I had a metric fuck-ton of nickels, I’d be able to buy a couple fuck-loads of beer at Blues Pub!” “The engineers poured five fuck-tons of beers at OAP this year!” [not an exageration]
laced exaggerations the way educated professionals do. Choose a base unit depending on whether you prefer Imperial or metric, add a multiplier before it to get a better value, and you’ll be set. Remember that these numbers are still approximations, but better ones than you had before. And now that you’ve learned something useful today, get out there and have yourself an Imperial crap-load of beers!
“I swear there are women at Blues Pub! Assloads of them!” Table 2 – Prefix Multipliers
Prefix
Metric Multiplier
Ass Shit Fuck
N/A X10 X100
Table 3 – Less Common Imperial Prefix Multipliers Multiplier Imperial Multiplier Notes
Butt
x2/3
Crap
x3
Whack
x6
Baker’s
x13/12
Imperial Multiplier X12 X26 X120
“Howdy chap, I’d like to buy a bag filled with a bakSometimes used in metric (non-standard), with er’s whack-load of the same multiplier rubber conracepNot used with “wad” tives please! HurSeldom used in modern day. Usually only used as ry now, pip pip!” a second prefix. I.e., a “baker’s shit-load” is good, but not a “baker’s load”.
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Victori-NO by Malavika Subramanian In an attempt to differentiate itself from the traditional activities that have made Orientation Week at McGill the legendary and eagerly anticipated yearly event that it is, a group of students from the Faculty of Arts (who shall not be named) took their Froshies on what they called “Victori-YEAH-n Frosh”. The abhorrent spelling is only the beginning of the issues with this blatantly racist, bigoted, and generally unpleasant festival of nastiness. Instead of introducing McGill first years to antiConcordia chants and the joys of an 18+ drinking age, Frosh leaders (who seemed especially keen on celebrating this oppressive imperialistic Victorian era) led their Froshies in ‘non-drinking activities’. These included heritage tours around the city during the day and reading circles at night. Of course by heritage they meant ‘colonial heritage’. Stops on the tour included painful remnants of the forgotten era such as the Notre Dame Basilica, which was doubtless built by the oppressed classes of 19th century Quebec with resources reaped from
Picture: Hooligans defiling the proud and drunken tradition of Frosh less fortunate nations. One fails to comprehend how such a building could take precedence over more modern Canadian architectural masterpieces such as the Scotia Bank Tower. Moreover, one can only imagine the trauma experienced by Montreal centenarians watching obnoxious students insensitively walk by in Victorian clothing, so closely resembling the colonial past that they would have wanted to forget. To add insult to injury, the outfits were made from cotton. Cotton; picked by child slaves on plantations in India and manufactured in Mexican sweatshops. The very act of purchasing cotton clothing reinforces unethical colonial practices and perpetuates old economic patterns. I suppose it is not surprising that the organizers of Victori-YEAH-n Frosh happened to choose this very fabric.
The nighttime reading circles saw Froshies and Frosh leaders alike reading verses from archaic pieces of literature authored by imperial favourites such as Charles Dickens and Emily Bronte. If the name ‘Dickens’ was not offensive enough, our sources also reveal that these readings often got rather rambunctious and disrupted the peace in our beloved Milton Park Community. One disgruntled gentleman stated, “there were just so many big words [...] My ears were offended!” It would be fair to say Victori-YEAH-n Frosh succeeded; succeeded in offending the residents of our great city. Succeeded in tarnishing the mighty McGill reputation and succeeded in violently drawing up a bitter colonial past that still haunted us all and will now, thanks to them, continue to do so.
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Giant Salads, Vibrators, and Flesh Lights by Liquid Giggles
O-Week is always a crazy time, because the stuff that happens during O-Week could never happen at other time of the year. New students get to enjoy the utter insanity of Frosh week, four of the best days of their university experience; the campus gets to enjoy OAP, a nationally admired student-organized event; and McGill administration gets to show off its administrative savvy and just how well-connected it is to the student body. Let’s be honest though, it’s usually McGill Administration that steals the show, and this year was no exception. McGill administration’s biggest success during Orientation this year was the building of the world’s largest fruit salad. We smashed Fresno State University’s 10 440 lb record by creating a 11 197 lb pile of fruit, less than a year after Fresno took the title. The event was attended by about a hundred McGill staff and more than a dozen students. Most importantly, it proved definitively that we at McGill are willing to pay more for a Guinness World Record than those chumps at Fresno. I am worried though that next year Fresno is going to come back with a vengeance. They might decide to buy a slightly larger kiddie pool
than we had and fill it up with 13 000 lb of fruit! I know, it’s a terrifying prospect. Though it might seem beyond belief that an American school with its tiny tuition fees would be able to come up with the necessary $20 000 to purchase the record, we have to face the reality that though we have won the battle, we may yet lose the war. Therefore, I propose we establish a different record. Not one of those lame records like fastest runner or most efficient vehicle, but a record that is so daringly ridiculous that no one has ever tried to set it before. I propose that we engineering students team up with McGill administration to win the dual record for constructing
the world’s largest vibrator and flesh light! What I propose is that we build a 100 foot tall vibrator, 15 feet in diameter, which will fit snugly inside a similarly sized flesh light (allowing for easy transport). The vibrator will be powered by sixteen 625 horsepower Rolls Royce diesel engines, and will be tested by your mom. The flesh light will incorporate only the most realistic-feeling polymers our materials engineers can come up with, and in a stroke of engineering brilliance, will include a system for self-lubrication. Its size and shape will be inspired by your mother. Just think of how perfect this plan is. The con-
struction would demonstrate our liberal and free-thinking views towards sexual health, and by including both a vibrator and a flesh light, we will be showing our inclusivity. Once completed, they would help improve inter-university relations since we could offer them as practical gifts to the sex-starved students at the University of Toronto. Since they would be sent in giant crates, this would also allow us to claim another dual record of largest dick in a box and largest box in a box.
Another Relic from the Pot The Plumber’s Pot is relic of a bygone era; A simpler time, when humour papers were still written and drawn by hand. The Pot was created as part of The McGill Daily, you know, before it sucked. The Pot later seceded from its former host and flourished in the fertile and perverse minds of the Engineers. Some time in the year 1989, the Pot published an article so shocking, it
Another advantage is that it would be very difficult for other universities to one-up us, because the pair would be constructed using inimitable McGill engineering brilliance. Hell, we would even be able to start two new design teams, so that engineering students (especially in mechanical and materials) would be able to test their skills in a real-world application. Besides, since it would be student volunteers doing all the building, McGill would only have to pay a few bucks for the materials – and hell, we might even snag some sponsorship from Fleshlight and other companies in the industry. I think I’ve made my point. Let’s say to hell with the salad record, and go for one that will never be beaten and which will make McGill the wonder of wankers worldwide.
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Has a more affluent group formed at the bar? IS SOMEONE ABOUT TO BUY A ROUND?
killed four artsies and a hamster. Devastated of the loss of Professor Whiskers, the university banished the Pot from being printed or distributed on campus. -[citation needed] The article featured here comes from the October 4, 1984 issue. It represents the logic behind a FORTRAN program that shows you best way to have a pub crawl.
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Provigo Prepares for Long Legal Battle by Daniel Dicaire
You may not know it from the mildly contemptful greetings you get at the checkout line, but Provigo has begun to solicit experts
were discovered by the world’s most profitable company, Apple. The shiny device manufacturer has widened its crusade against copy cats since its success against Samsung. As soon as the rectangle
the proud, legal owner of its name and logo since the company formed in the 1980s. No one really knows when apples first hit
VS.
in technological copyright law and patentry. This move was long in the coming experts agree, but at long last, their blatant use of products without royalties has finally caught up to the grocery giant. In a statement earlier this week, business rival Mr. Boyardee announced,“No Name© products are a savage violation of the development that goes into creating half-assed student meals, and it’s high time they got canned!”So far, Provigo has been able to hide behind its mantle of success and has intimidating its victims away from litigation. The tide turned, however, when their antics
patent was legitimized, photographs taken at Provigo gorcery stores across Quebec emerged on the Canadian iPhone servers that showed large displays of intimation Apple products, known by copycats as apples. “I will spend my last dying breath if I need to, and I will spend every penny of Apple’s $40 billion in the bank to right this wrong. I’m going to destroy Android apples, because it’s a stolen product. I’m willing to go thermonuclear war on this.” These were the words the late Steve Jobs told his biographer after realizing he was on the same continent as an apple. Apple
has
been
the market, and that has led to unheard of levels of proliferation. It is estimated that at least 90% of Canadians and three
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What Clogs My Pipes
Americans have at one point purchased an illegal apple product. “Clearly, we need to set the record straight” said Tim Cook, “we made a lot of money with our logo’s shape, and that means it’s ours. If we don’t act soon, people might start building phones with 5 Rows© of apps. That’s our idea!” There are unconfirmed reports of apples existing in the United States, but body mass index research leads many to believe that nobody has eaten them. Apple is cautious to act on these rumours as their population’s understanding of plant products is lacking at best. They consider Pizza to be a vegetable.
by Jessica Padsky As I am waiting patiently for the bus on this cold autumn afternoon and feeling terrible about missing the last Faucet meeting, I remember Frosh with a lot of nostalgia. I try not to think of the fact that I won’t be able to attend MERTW pubcrawl this year. It’s okay, I tell myself. You had an amazing time during Frosh, you got to take care of Froshies and maybe had some Froshies take care of you... and more importantly, you are still an Engineering Student. Yes. I am proud to being an Engineering Student. Not because we will have jobs and decent salaries to feed our families with, but also because we are part of the friendliest, most welcoming, and least discriminatory group of students around.
Engineering frosh was accused of many ludicrous things like promoting rape culture and encouraging cowboy-like behaviour, but it doesn’t hurt my feelings. I am proud that the female Coordinators of our Frosh had the courage to publicly declare that they like their cowboys medium-rare. And I frown upon the fact that some people find it sexist that our Coord Godfather doesn’t touch any cowgirl below 8.5/10. If you can’t laugh at a cute little joke like that, you aren’t going to enjoy real life very much in general. I am proud to say that I encounter such amazing people every day in the engineering department, and it makes me feel good about being away from people who lack a sense of humour.
Engineering Fitness: A Visual Guide
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