Vol. 29 no. 1 •August 29, 2013
The Frosh Issue
2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Lords Of Westeros Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Knights of Content Amanda dos Santos David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Graham Pinchin Brigid Cami Catherine Trudeau Green Seers Alex Foty Catherine Trudeau Alex Gershanov Ali Najmabadi
Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general inquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus. ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 1 Thursday, August 29th , 2013
Letter from the Editors Greetings Lords and Ladies, and welcome to McGill Engineering! This may be your first time out on your own with no one to tell you what to do, so shut up and take notes. If you want to, you can make this the most fun you have ever had. Frosh is a balls to the wall (an engineering term, look it up) introduction to what a bunch of people with far too many midterms do on their time away from equations. Frosh will strip you of any geeky awkwardness, set you up with friends you will keep throughout university, and shove you straight into the real world like a baby popping out of a Concordia call girl at a metro station. This issue of the Faucet is our annual Frosh Issue, and includes a whole lot of material about the best orientation on campus. During the rest of the year, look around newsstands in the engineering buildings to pick up our (fairly) regular issues that cover such brave topics as sprucing up your unofficial transcript, Star Wars pickup lines, and hundred foot tall vibrators powered by Rolls-Royce diesel engines. Remember that the Faucet is always open to new members. If you have a sense of humour and you can write, draw, edit, do layout, or just want to learn, joining the Faucet is a great way to get involved. No experience is necessary, the meetings are fun (and usually held at a bar), and you’ll be part of the best thing on campus. Also, welcome back to our returning staff! We are going to keep putting out content funnier than the McGill Daily (our rival humour paper) ever could. So send an email to faucet@mcgilleus.ca if you have something to say, or visit our shiny new website at www.plumbersfaucet.ca. We both wish you a great Frosh!
-DD & DB
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Frosh of Thrones
by Catherine Trudeau, your most literate O-Week coord In the Game of Thrones, you either win or you die. There is no middle ground. ...but fortunately for you (the incoming student), Frosh of Thrones is substantially more chill than that. Make no mistake though: this’ll be one of the biggest, baddest, and best parties you’ve ever attended. So you can put aside all that junk about classes, advising, services, registration and everything else McGill seems to think actually matters to incoming students. For four days, you’ll join us in an epic quest for rambunctious merriment, good times, and cheap and plentiful drinks. Our O-Week Coordination team has been drinking working tirelessly all summer long to meticulously craft you the best Frosh yet - and as you’ll soon find out, nobody does Frosh louder,
4 the plumber’s FAUCET drunker or more spirited than the McGill faculty of Engineering. Your first task will be to prove yourself as a knight worthy of battle on behalf of your house. We’ve set up a grueling medieval-style gauntlet that will test your abilities to their limit. You also might end up looking a bit silly. But if you survive, your reward will be great, as you’ll be knighted with the coveted engineering hardhat (very coveted mind you – keep yours safe from the prying hands of other faculties!). Once you and your brethren are armed, trained, and prepared for battle, we’ll set out to a secret downtown location for a raging night party. The next morning you’ll be served a victory feast courtesy of Sir Timothy of Horton. Then you’ll test your ship-build-
ing skills as you ready a fleet of sea-faring vessels for competition (boat-racing is a very popular pastime in engineering). Subsequently you’ll embark on the timeless “King’s Quest” across the city of Montreal, partaking in revelry at a number of its many fine taverns and wine-houses. Having completed your quest, you and your armies will then join forces with warriors from both Education and Science to storm the mighty Mt. Olympia in another epic night-time rage. On the third day, you’ll be sent far across the Narrow Sea to the sandy dunes of Beach Club – though this is one desert where you’ll you find a surprising quantity of hydration. You’ll return from across the sea in time to make preparations for the classic “Knight of Togas”. The fourth and final day takes you to the grassy plains, and wraps up with a massive concert for all faculties. So sharpen your swords, polish your armour and steel your livers for battle. And don’t forget: during Frosh, there is only one thing we say to sobriety “Not today.”
Tyrion is going to be so proud of you fuckers.
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Less time for thinking, more time for drinking: Where should I eat? by Amanda dos Santos
Yes, Super Sandwich is a dépanneur. Welcome to the Faucet’s idea of fine dining.
START
NO YES
Are you drunk? Taking a study break?
Café Santropol has sandwiches and good coffee. Bonus, it’s a legit restaurant.
Is the night still young?
Is it after 6pm?
Is it winter?
Bofinger yourself when you just need dripping meat inside you. For the longest time, I thought it was Peterific (in Lois Griffin’s accent). But I get it, Pitarifique. They make pitas. Clever.
Good, you can walk a bit. Feel like a pita?
Carlos and Pepe’s is not exactly authentic, but it’s convenient. You expected a Mexican joke, didn’t you?
Feel like a sandwich?
CAN YOU WALK TO Peel?
Are you on a date?
Amelio’s has tasty pizza and will gladly uncork that 1L bottle of dep wine you brought. Keep it classy.
Lola Rosa is a vegetarian restaurant (I know, I know) filled with artsies probably discussing meat-eater privilege and social justice.
Not studying, not on a date yet sober? You’re doing it wrong. Find beer then restart.
With an artsy? Do you plan on getting laid in the next 12 hours?
Boustan, the late-night King in Montreal, serves up garlicky Lebanese goodness until 4am.
Patati patata! ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries, for the rest of your days. It’s our poutine philosophy!
Burrito Shop is the closest you’ll get to Chipotle’s in Montreal. Joe’s Panini, not to be confused with Joe’s penini, is popular with off-duty taxi drivers and other night owls.
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togas - they totally suit game of thrones by Set Phasers to Pun There comes a time in every engineer’s career when he or she gets to take life by the sheets and attend the ancient Greek ritual known as the Toga Party (Greek: παρτΥ). The entry exam for this sacred gathering is to assemble the ceremonial garb of the ancient sages of swag - the toga. And they totally wear togas in Game of Thrones! What do you think Tyrion wears to toga parties? It is timeless attire. So take a single bedsheet, and follow these steps to achieve the ultimate level of ancient engineering badassery.
Step 2: Wrap the bed sheet around once at waist level. Hold the excess to your right. Tip: Ladies, you may replace the term “waist level” with h, where:
h = hchest – (willingness to be stared at)cm
Step 4: Pin the junction point with the fastener of your choice: a. knot b. safety pin c. rare earth magnets d. finishing nails e. 1/8” ANSI screws (bonus marks)
Step 1: Hold corner of a bed sheet to your left shoulder, and hold the rest out to the right.
Step 3: Bring the sheet around your back and up to the flap from Step 1. If you can’t reach, you may need to make adjustments, get a bigger sheet, or shrink three inches.
Note: The Ancient Greeks embroidered their sheets with racecars and Disney characters just like we do today, so elaborate patterns are fully acceptable. Pictured: Alex Gershanov, Master of Beasts, mastering all the beasts
Step 5: Eat, drink, drink, drink, and be merry, like the Ancient Greeks of Westeros! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
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The Great Map of McGillsteros
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Method For Your Madness: The Schedule Only by being in the right place at the right time can you hope to gain the throne... When T h u r s d a y
f r i d a y
s a t u r d a y s u n d a y
What
Where
5 pm - 6 pm
Meet your Bannermen
Lower Field
6 pm - 8 pm
Quest for the Holy Hardhart
Lower Field
10 pm - 2 am
The Secret Keep
Even the Almighty Faucet does not Know
9 am - 10 am
Break Feast
Reservoir Field
10 am - 12 pm
Dragon Hatching
Reservoir Field
12 pm - 1 pm
A Tourney of Kings and Queens
Reservoir Field
1 pm - 8:30 pm
King’s Quest
Around Montreal
10 pm - 2 am
The Storming of Mt. Olympia
1004 St-Catherine East
9 am - 10 am
Meet your Dancemaster
Forbes Field
10 am - 6 pm
Across the Narrow Sea
Beach Club
6 pm - 10 pm
Battle of the Houses
Ask your Bannermen
10 pm - sunrise
Knights of the Toga
SSMU Ballroom (in the Shatner Building)
10 am - 7 pm
Piknic Electronik
Parc-Jean Drapeau
7 pm - 2 am
The Eve of Saint Agnes
Get a Faucet writer really drunk, and they might tell you the secret
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Ask Tribaholic The Faucet’s very own advice column. Results may vary. Ask your doctor if our advice is right for you. How do I get a social life and meet people who aren’t my cousin? -Mining Engineer recently returned from Fort McMurray. So maybe you’ve spent the past year in Fort McMurray, or maybe you grew up riding llamas in the mountains of Peru, but finally you have made it to the big city. This is it baby! Bright lights! Homeless People! Chinese restaurants! Obviously you’re having a bit of trouble coping. This is understandable - so would I, if I looked like you did. If you want to survive in the big city, survival tactics are in order. An important one is to have attractive friends. This way, unimportant people don’t bother you. Make sure to put up with anyone who is a total dick - that you can pick up the empty, discarded husks of human beings that they leave in their wake. Another strategy is to become the “something” guy/ girl. Like the dances-on-tables-girl, or the grows-Chia-Pets-guy. The last thing is use your stolen-fromMontrealers/12-hour-mine-shift/ panhandling money to buy all of your friends food and beer. That way, you’ll grow up to be 30, broke, and with friends abandoning you faster than I abandoned your mother after finally getting her to trust me and accept her into your life. Or grow a beard. Yeah, just grow a beard.
How do I get the bouncer to let me into a club? -Pre-Drink Peter Suppose it’s Frosh, or maybe it’s the weeks following. You’re at Tokyo Thursdays (is that still a thing? I’m old.) and you’ve had a drink or two. Or three. Or most of a bottle of the cheapest vodka in the SAQ (Russian Prince, for those wondering – see my soon to come “Guide to the SAQ” article for details) mixed with overpriced dep soda. And now, somehow you have to get into the club. Let me share the experience of what not do, as experienced by a friend of mine. Let’s call him “Gary”*. This is a true story.** Gary walks up to the bouncer. A 300-lb gorilla of a man. Gary: So ishh my burfday, and I’m on the motherfucking guestlist! King Kong: Guestlist closed an hour ago. And you’re wasted. And never getting into this club. Gary: Well how you gonna stop me? All you got is a fanny pack! Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Pardon? Gary: I said “NICE FANNY PACK ASSHOLE” Gary learned two lessons that night: don’t pick a fight with a bouncer, and concussions affect memory, and concussions affect memory.
The point is, don’t fuck with bouncers. After that tangent, here is my actual advice for getting in. • Be Quiet • Expect them to ask for your ID – have it ready • Always hold on to a friend so you don’t fall. • Guys, be cool. Nobody wants to fight you. Or see your dick. • If you’re having problem with a bouncer, just nod your head and say okay. • Remember that not puking is simply mind over matter. • Last but not least, read the first letter of every bullet point I’ve written in this article *Names have been changed to protect the inocent, and the incarcerated. **Like 90% true.
Send in your questions about life at facebook.com/theplumbersfaucet, and our Presiding Swami of Pastrami will give you answers here! You can also send them via email to faucet@ mcgilleus.ca!
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A Beginner’s Guide to Froshies
Keep an eye out for these common species during Frosh
by Liquid Giggles
The Sheltereds: Sheltereds come from plac-
es with medieval laws which prevent you from having a beer when you are old enough to choose the nation’s leaders and die for your country. Frosh is ironically their first taste of sanity. They inevitably drink hard, party hard, and crash hard. Then they wake up late some place so far out that they can’t even see the Mountain, and if they are destined to become a true McGill Engineer, they harden the fuck up, find their bearings, and jump back into the fray. You can identify Sheltereds by looking for very loud and very drunk Froshies surrounded by pitchers of beer, or by looking at the Froshie puking outside being aided by a member of O-Staff. The Sheltered lives through tough times, but often has the best of times.
The Bedseekers: The Bedseeker can be identified by the tattered condition of its clothing and the various genitalia and vulgarities inscribed upon various parts of its body. It is often seen rubbing its anterior against the posterior of other Bedseekers. Frosh is the Bedseeker’s natural habitat, and in fact, many other species of Froshy metamorphose into Bedseekers after feeding on ethanol. Bedseekers are known to spontaneously link mouths with just about anyone who is willing. Bedseekers need to be careful though, because with too much ethanol they will become Feral Bedseekers. The Feral Bedseekers: The Feral Bed-
seeker is a Bedseeker who has imbibed enough ethanol to kill both a sheep and the Queen’s student who was screwing it. The Feral Bedseeker is often seen attempt-
ing to grind a member of the O-Week Committee, bar staff, or police force. If the Feral Bedseeker isn’t dragged off and told to go home, and actually finds a Bedseeker willing to share accommodations with, he or she finds truth in Shakespeare’s immortal words about alcohol: “It provokes the desire but it takes away the performance. Therefore much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him and it mars him; it sets him on and it takes him off ”
Soberowdies: These are Froshies who choose
not to drink, and take advantage of their superior health, coordination, and ability to communicate by dancing better, competing better, singing better, and hooking up better. It can actually be pretty hard to figure out who the Soberowdies are.
The Locals: Our Quebecois Froshies have been through that den of vice and lechery known as CEGEP, and may even know a few of the venues already. As a result, they tend to be able to hold their liquor a bit better than Sheltereds. But there is a lot of liquor, so they blend in quickly enough. Their experience often makes them leaders among revelers, and they adapt well to the intensity demanded of McGill Engineering Froshies. Superfroshies:
Superfroshies are the golden standard of Froshies. They show up to every event, no matter how late and drunk they went to bed, and they are rowdy as fuck. They dress to the theme and are ultra-competitive. They sing all the songs until their voice is destroyed. And when they have a happy ending, they don’t linger in the morning – they get up and drag their partner with them to the next event. These Froshies have bright futures in engineering.
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Under Advisement: A BureauroticraticBased Fan Fiction on a True Story by Adam
Pickersgill
overwhelming, and Marcus was confused but undeterred. “I really need to have this conversation before the add/drop period ends, is there anyone else I could speak with?” “Sure! Go to Burnside Hall, 10th floor. I’m sure someone there can help out.” “Thanks.” Marcus didn’t want to look stupid by asking where Burnside Hall was, or with whom specifically he should confer with. He would sort it out himself; he was an engineer after all.
M
arcus Lee stood in the hallway of the Frank Dawson Adams Building. It was his second week of University and he was in search of an advisor. Marcus wanted to complete a minor in mathematics in addition to his mechanical engineering degree. His new friends joked he was a masochist, and as he waited in the endless line Marcus found the prospect of additional learning to be strangely arousing. There may have been some merit to the jokes after all, he mused. When the call of “Next” finally referred to him, he sauntered to the desk with his freshly minted student ID at the ready. The woman at the counter was drab and middle-aged. Short curly hair framed a face which contradictorily seemed to express both depressing solemnity and abject cheeriness
simultaneously. Her generous frame and plain clothes coupled with her demeanor to evoke thoughts of a grandmotherly librarian (with a disciplinarian streak?) which Marcus (also?) found strangely arousing. “How can I help you?” she purred, peering down her sharp nose through thick-rimmed reading spectacles as she accepted his credentials for examination. “I’m looking to speak to an Advisor about pursuing a minor in mathematics.” Marcus beamed, unable to hide the pride in his voice. “I’m sorry, no advisors are available here at the advising center until the end of add/drop period. I apologize for the inconvenience! Is there anything else I can help you with?” Her good mood was
“Come back soon!” his recent helper offered in farewell. Marcus thought he detected a hint of seduction in her voice - or was that malice? After nearly one hour and several encounters that could be described as both directionally informative and overtly sexual, Marcus stepped out of the elevator onto the 10th floor of Burnside. The elevator slipped shut, emitting a sigh which Marcus found strangely arousing. Thankfully, as he exited, there was what appeared to be a service desk straight ahead of him. There was no line, which was also strangely arousing. He walked to the desk, and was discouraged to find it unoccupied. He did notice a service bell and a sign that instructed, “Please ring bell for service.” Marcus complied, and waited a full five minutes, lamenting his earlier excitement at the lack of a queue.
the plumber’s FAUCET While he waited, Marcus diverted himself by imagining the plain looking but authoritarian woman he hoped would be arriving soon to help him. Perhaps she would give him a questionnaire to fill out- maybe even a form in triplicate... But no! He stopped himself before letting the thought go further. Marcus’s infatuation with bureaucracy was growing too quickly, he needed to control himself! But it was so hard to ignore the lure... Marcus awoke from his reverie when he noticed a second set of instructions near the bell which informed him that “If you have been waiting for five minutes or more, please seek advisement from your respective faculty or come back later. Have a pleasant day!” Realizing this meant a trip back to the engineering student center, his initial frustration gave way to increased arousal when it registered that he had just been a recipient of the good old bureaucratic runaround. Marcus finally understood. His supposed passion for learning was only a facade concealing his lust for administrative tedium! He couldn’t stand it any longer, he needed to act on his feelings. Fuck this, he thought as he went back to his dorm to masturbate. Why was bureaucracy so sexually appealing? And McGill so tantalizingly riddled with it? At this rate he would never get anything done. Bemoaning his situation, he consoled himself only with the knowledge upon graduation he would never have to deal with the sexy trappings of bureaucracy ever again.
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Where are the Snowdens of Yesteryear? by Set
Phasers to Pun
By now I’m sure you’ve heard of the greatest betrayer of the American People since Benedict Hitler. This “Hero” Snowden, who’s currently hiding under Putin’s drapes has given away our best tool to prevent terrorism in the history of the PATRIOT Act: PRISM. He says it watches and gathers information from people both inside and outside of the United States, including telephone records and online communications. And he’s right. We need this information to stop terrorists from destroying our civil liberties, like guns and privacy. This system works. The American government has successfully used this information to profile and target people who are at risk of contracting terrorism. What Snowden failed to reveal was that all of your emails and text messages are just a side effect of their true surveillance goals: Porn. It’s a widely known fact that your incognito browsing habits tell more about a person (“potential terrorist”) than anything you can put up on Facebook. NSA analysts can not only determine if you are a potential threat to its own populace (“potential domestic terrorists”), but also what their target will likely be. If an individual is found to watch a large amount of foot fetish porn, security forces know to keep an eye on areas with mostly foot traffic. Interacial? Foreign embassies. Horseporn? The Kentucky Derby. Lesbian? Scissor Factories.
Cartoon? Disney World. Without this information, untold additional attacks would have taken place. I say untold, because they won’t tell us. It’s not like this is a new tactic either. Joseph McCarthy used this technique to great effect in rounding up Communists in the 1950’s. By searching underneath every mattress of any suspect, he always found conclusive proof that his targets hated America. Pin ups, magazines, and peepshow ticket stubs were all tracked and categorized. His only disgrace was that the evidence failed to be counted correctly in court, as the pages were always stuck together. So what can you do to help maintain the safety and security of our neighbors to the south? The NSA would like you to make their observations as easy and unobtrusive as possible. Start by taking down any drapes or blinds, so as to make viewing as easy as possible. Wall penetrating imaging equipment is expensive, and should be saved for suspects who are caught on/r/spacedicks. Second, please relocate your designated fapping area within line of sight of a window. Those facing streets are most convenient, as that’s where the vans drive. Finally, you can completely eliminate your suspicion as a terrorist by placing a second monitor facing out towards the window. All of these steps help reduce cost, and therefore burden on the American taxpayer. I mean you only need to hide things that are illegal, right?
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The Engineers in Labcoats An Introduction to the PPO by The Chiefs tolerate the smell of our lab coats.
If you haven’t seen us already, chances are you are soon going to be spotting some unkempt and rowdy characters wearing filthy lab coats covered in drawings of dubious artistic quality. These vagabonds will likely be raising money for charity, helping at engineering events, cheering on sports teams, or getting drunk off their asses at a drinking establishment close to campus. Just who are these lovable tramps? We are none other than the PPO – the Plumber’s Philharmonic Orchestra. Though we love a good drinking song and occasionally whip out the instruments when we serenade students in class for charity during Golden Valentines, there actually isn’t anything philharmonic or orchestrated about us. The PPO is a band of engineering students that strives to raise engineering spirit for students and ass-loads of money for charity. Among other things, the PPO runs Golden Valentines, Loonie Line, Pi Day, a variety of Breast Cancer Week events, and is one of the most successful charity groups on campus. PPO members are also highly involved in all EUS activities and lend a hand wherever they can, especially when there is alcohol involved. But for all our saintly works, our most distinguishing characteristic is our rowdiness. The PPO is composed of the loudest, wildest, and most fun people to have at parties, and it is not uncommon to see us dancing on furniture, toting around street signs and other bizarre objects, or hooking up with just about anyone who can
But why the lab coats, and why don’t we ever clean them? Well, the lab coat is first and foremost a means of identification. Our Immortal Name (like Liquid Giggles, or Cream Filled Cockpit) is displayed on the back, and it is covered in drawings depicting our misadventures and contributions to the EUS, scrawled with the grace of a four year old Rembrandt. As for the filth, a lab coat is also used to protect against food, to keep warm when passed out drunk, to soak spilled beer, and in a thousand other ways which accumulate the grime. The dirtier it is, the longer you have been doing stuff for the PPO. In other words, a nice brown shine is a mark of honour. How can you become a member our glorious order of alcoholics, philanthropists, and leaders? Well that’s the tricky part: you don’t simply join the PPO; WE find YOU. If you show up to tons of engineering events, volunteer for clubs and committees, participate in PPO initiatives, and demonstrate that you have what it takes to be a leader on campus, sooner or later you may find yourself with a lab coat of your own. See you at Blues Pub!
-Too Drunk to Scrum -Margaret Flash/r/ the Iron Lady
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ENGINEERED FOR SUCCESS Our financial package1 for engineering students offers a wide range of advantages you have to see to believe. Sign up today. Drop in and see for yourself: • 1140 rue Sherbrooke West (intersection Stanley), 514 281-9621 • 955 de Maisonneuve West (intersection Mansfield), 514 281-9620
engineersbank.ca 1 This financial package is an advantage offered to full-time university students in engineering who are Canadian citizens or permanent residents of Canada. Students must provide proof of their full-time student status.
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