The New Year's Revolutions Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

The Plumber’s VOLUME XXXIV ISSUE V January 10th, 2018

The New Year’s Revolutions Issue

Faucet

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

CONTRIBUTERS

Editor-In-Chief

Otman Benchekroun

Writers

Daniel Galef Alex Dombowsky Stavroula Pabst Paul Orasanu Lilly Roy Wren Middleton Sarah Lefebvre Meredith Charney Ismail Benchekroun Gretel Kahn Steve Greenwoord Lorenzo Carrara

Illustrators Freedom Sorbara (Cover) Ké Smith Kiana Brett Tess Van Donkelaar Amelia Lindsay Kaufman Armando Rivas Stavroula Pabst Claire Edrington Jitika Shah

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to

vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIV no. V

Wednesday, January 10th, 2018

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Semester Number Two. Every time I start a school year I never really believe we’re all gonna make it this far, and yet here we find ourselves, paler and colder than ever, our spirit ever so slightly healed by the holidays and still one sassy paramount cafeteria worker away from a breakdown. I love winter. We also find ourselves with a new year on our hands. 2018. What do we make of 2018, will it be good, will it be bad, will it be, as high school french teachers all accross Ontario say, comme si comme ça. We really have no way of knowing what the future holds, so I recommend we all just try to do our best and support each other whenever we can. That’s the only way it’ll ever be good, anyways. How’s that for a New Year’s Resolution. What we can say about 2017 (and I know this will be divisive) is that 2017 is a year, and that a year is comprised of 365 days. That’s just our opinion here at the Faucet, sorry to offend ya! If you don’t like it, too bad friendo! Pack up your bags and read a different magazine because we ain’t splittin’ hairs on that one, baby. 2017 has also been a year (like all years) of political unrest, both at McGill and around the entire world. Alot of people are angry, especially some of our writers at the Faucet. As a result, we present to you, the NEW YEAR’S REVOLUTIONS ISSUE. We got some problems with the way things are goin’ on around here and we wanna write about it, goddammit! What’s the deal with those 20 Redpath Library doors we’re not allowed to walk through! We’re mad! Let’s end the shawarma monopoly Paramount has on upper campus! Let’s make cookie prices around campus REASONABLE! This issue contains advice and tips and resolutions for the new year, as well as helpful pieces of advice for anyone who wants to start a revolution. I hope you people get a kick out of reading this, and that it helps you make it through this dreadful month of January.

Otman Benchekroun

January 10th, 2018

New Year, New U by Steve Greenwood

illustrated by Amelia Lindsay Kaufman

Let’s face it; u has had a hard time. It’s the last vowel in the alphabet (not considering that two-faced “sometimes vowel” y). It’s the least common vowel in English. Despite its relative rarity, it’s still only worth 1 measly point in Scrabble, making it the worst vowel someone can draw. This entire paragraph doesn’t even have one! It’s clearly not easy being u. After last month, when there were whisperings that Wheel of Fortune was considering a 50% discount on all purchases of the vowel u to persuade more people to buy it, u has decided that it is time to make a change. With all the talk about “new year, new u,” u has decided to finally follow through and re-brand! Because u has always been really into TV (some may even say it tends to get trapped inside it spends so much time watching), it has decided that the best way to rebrand is a reality show! Each week, tune in Mondays at 7:00 Central (5 Pacific) on Alphabet TV for the newest installment of “New Year, New U!” Each week will feature a different celebrity guest star as they help u explore the various possibilities for its new image. They already have Carrie Underwood scheduled to give u a journey through the “country rustic chic” style, and Rob Halford has been in talks to help u explore the heavy metal lifestyle. Which aesthetic will u choose? Tune in to find out! The season finale will take place on March 13, when u will briefly catch up with all of the season’s guest starts and choose a final look. And be prepared for a shocking special guest appearance from u’s long-time business partner and best friend q. Q has made it clear in interviews that it loves u the way it is and doesn’t want u to change. Will u pick friendship over fashion? The only way to know is to keep watching “New Year, New U!” Brought to you by our sponsors: Uniprix, Unilever, and U Need a Pita.

The evolution of u throughout the milleniae

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

How To Get The Perfect Winter Bod by Lilly Roy - SPONSORED BY SADS

Winter is coming? More like winter is HERE! It may be January, but worry not— you can still get your perfect winter bod by the time the season’s over. That’s right, in just five simple steps you TOO can grow fatter, paler, and sicklier. New Year, new you! If you really commit, the increased intake of processed foods can even lead to weight gain, and you’ll be forced to experiment with your style, seeing as your jeans don’t fit anymore. (See below).

Step 1: Avoid Sunlight At All Costs We all know that winter isn’t exactly the sunniest of seasons, but it does have its exceptions. Take the doom and gloom of January’s climate to the next level by spending these rare few sunny days inside. Watch your skin take on the dusty hue of aged cement that no amount of bronzer can correct. Your ghostly appearance will be sure to turn heads, and maybe even frighten small children!

Step 3: New Winter Wardrobe Winter is the perfect time to play around with your look. Make a statement by layering sweatpants overtop of pyjama pants, accompanied by the XXL sleeping shirt WestJet gave you when they lost your luggage that one time. Finish off your outfit with a pair of your oldest, dirtiest Uggs and take to the streets, showing anyone and everyone that you haven’t done laundry in weeks.

Step 5: Sadness — it’s Vogue! Combine all of these tips and you’ll be the saddest looking bitch in town. Make the grocery store aisle your catwalk and show em who’s boss. You think YOU’VE given up, mom staring lifelessly at the taco seasonings while her screaming child hurls a box of FrootLoops across the aisle? Or how about YOU, old man in line at the pharmacy farting with reckless abandon as he complains loudly about the pharmacist’s accent? Well think again!

Step 2: Vitamin C? Not For Me! SCURVY is the new SEXY! Sick of winter’s overpriced fruits and vegetables that rot before you even take them out of the grocery bag? The answer is simple— just don’t buy them! Instead, spare your cash for cheap starchy foods like potatoes, pasta, and microwave popcorn. The lack of nutrients will give you the sultry air of decay and disease equalled only by 17th century pirates.

Step 4: Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow The snowy season calls for all the extra insulation you can get— including body hair. Let your razorblades rust! Pro tip: want to really fuck your shit up? Stay inside and watch Friends instead of trudging through the snow to pick up your birth control refill. Let your hormones run wild and your body hair will really start to come in. Worried about getting pregnant? It’s okay— you haven’t had sex in months, remember?

With the help of these tips, you too can become bloated, pale, sweaty, and hairy. The IDEAL winter bod is YOURS, you just have to go out there and get it! And by “out there” I really mean your bed, where you will now spend most of your time. Happy New Year!

January 10th, 2018

West Coast in Unrest As Thousands of Clones Of Fidel Castro Emerge From Hiding In San Francisco Neighborhood

Chaos reigns in California as a secret Communist army of Castro Clones unmask themselves in preparation for an overthrow of capitalism from within. In what sounds like an ill-conceived sequel to “The Boys from Brazil,” several hundred genetic copies of late Cuban dictator Fidel Castro are shedding their undercover identities en masse and organizing in San Francisco, CA.

All across the Golden Gate City, blonde biker moustaches are being dramatically ripped off to reveal (somehow) a full beard of scruffy black hair. Streets are filled with olive-colored kepis and cigar smoke chokes the Pacific air, while the bars and gymnasiums lie desolate. “Norm was just one of the guys,” says Irwin Beam, a construction worker and the shift supervisor of several newly-unmasked clones. “He was a wiz on the forklift, he was refurbishing an old Camaro, he

by Claire Edrington

by The White Queen sang Village People while he welded. Today he’s Fidel Castro. Go figure.” Norm’s brother Felix had similar remarks. “What, ol’ Normie? You’re kiddin’. I guess the warning signs were always there, but it just never occurred to me that he might have identical DNA to a Marxist-Leninist despot who orchestrated the overthrow of tyrannical Presidente Fulgencio Batista in favor of an equally dictatorial pseudo-Soviet regime which he personally commanded for nigh on half a century. Makes you think, don’t it?” At time of press, reports are contradicted only by one Norman Doppel, who denies his Cuban genes. “Wait, are you guys serious? You do know it’s just a name, right? It’s not, like, a Communism thing. Forget it, I’ll stop wearing muscle shirts if you care this much.”

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

9 Ways in Which the Last Jedi Ruined Star Wars by Alex Dombowsky

illustrated by Stavroula Pabst

I associate three things with the holiday season: snow, Star, and Wars. Ever since Disney bought Lucasfilm, the mind-numbingly boring holiday season has become a celebration! That celebration is dampened, however, by two colossal disappointments: The Force Awakens and the pile of bantha fodder known as the Last Jedi. I’ve broken down my general grievances into 9 points—the same number of episodes in the Star Wars saga. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.

1. The treatment of the First Order. Disney has made Star Wars way too PC. If you watch the original trilogy, the Empire is an efficient bureaucratic machine comprised of sour pasty-white British guys who just want to unite the galaxy and build spherical superweapons. In the Last Jedi, the First Order is treated like they are space Nazis or something, and let me tell you—there isn’t a spherical superweapon in sight.

2. Kylo Ren doesn’t get the girl in the end. It’s weird to think that after two whole movies Kylo Ren still hasn’t gotten with Rey yet. Kylo, the hero of the new trilogy and my personal favorite character, does everything you’re supposed to do to get a girl. In the Force Awakens he hangs out with her back at his house (spaceship) and gets a peek at her mind. The Last Jedi, however, is when Kylo really steps up his game. Him and Rey have a psychic connection that transcends the laws of physics (the best way to get with a girl) and he stares at her a lot. She even gets a look at his impressively high-waisted pants. And yet, somehow, at the end of the film Kylo and Rey still aren’t dating yet. Too unrealistic!

3. No surfing scene. George Lucas, the genius behind the original trilogy and the prequels, has never had a surfing scene in a Star Wars movie. With Luke on an island, fans like me were anticipating the image we’ve been imagining for years: Luke surfing into the twin sunset while ska music plays. In the Last Jedi, we’re on that Irish island

for hours and there is still no surfing scene! It would have been such a simple script change. I guess real fans will have to wait until episode 9.

4. Snoke wasn’t my dad. This one is self-explanatory. I have longed for the feeling 1980’s moviegoers got when they learned that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father in the Empire Strikes Back. So, I figured that the only way for the Star Wars movies to top themselves would be for Snoke to be my dad. Instead, Rian Johnson decided to go a different direction, leaving me super unimpressed.

5. Luke’s character was completely ruined. We’ve been waiting decades to have a followup on Luke’s character and this is what we get? Rey discovers Luke and the first thing he does is eat the lightsaber she gives him. In a later scene Rey has to entice Luke to teach her about the Jedi by giving him another lightsaber to chow down on. And, in a total slap in the face, Luke defeats Kylo Ren in the end by devouring the latter’s red lightsaber with barbeque sauce, then turning to the camera and saying, “check please!” What an awful interpretation of Luke Skywalker.

6. The Stan Lee cameo. I mean, Star Wars isn’t even a Marvel movie! Here I am, just hate watching the movie, when all of a sudden the miniature green ghost of Stan Lee, computer animated to look like Yoda but with Stan Lee’s face, appears to Luke and tells him to “watch Black Panther, coming this February to a theater near you”. This kind of product placement isn’t what Star Wars is about!

January 10th, 2018 7. The Leia scene. I don’t think this even needs to be addressed, but I will do it anyway. There is a scene where Princess Leia beats John Cena in a thumb war. I mean, okay, I like the idea. The execution, however, was totally off the mark. John Cena should definitely have won, but the Force allows Leia to ultimately win. It’s as if the film thinks it can take significant liberties with the source material that just don’t make sense.

8. The Last Jedi was too much of a retread of previous Star Wars films. Star Wars fans love the original movies, but what we really want is something new. The Last Jedi gave us 5 musical numbers in Jabba’s palace (breaking the Force Awakens’ record of 4), 8 podraces, and 73 cantina band performances. While I love hearing John Williams’ scores, there are only so many ways you can hear Jazz fusion.

9. No Harrison Ford. Okay, so we get Mark Hamill in this movie and Carrie Fisher, but there was no appearance of Harrison Ford! Even Luke at one point asks where Han is. Did Harrison Ford have a scene that was cut from the film? I mean, Harrison Ford’s Han Solo is the best Star Wars character! I guess at least we will get to see Harrison Ford in Solo, coming out this May.

And there you have it. Star Wars: The Last Jedi fails on almost every level of filmmaking. Gone are the days of high quality Star Wars movies like the Empire Strikes Back. At least Rogue One was good. That part where Felicity Jones did a rap battle against Mon Mothma was awesome and is, in the end, truly what Star Wars is about. May the Force be with you.

UN Security Council Officially Recognizes Cereal as Soup in New Resolution by Stavroula PabsT

New York, New York: On Monday, the United Nations Security Council passed resolution 2395 (2017), which officially declares that cereal is soup. The resolution passed unanimously, with 15 votes in favor of the resolution and zero against. “I am relieved that after all these years, the security council has finally chosen to take action on this important issue,” said United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, to reporters at the Plumber’s Faucet. “It is the hope of the United States that fellow member states now do more than talk: there must be follow through.” As it stands, nation states refusing to recognize cereal as soup may face serious sanctions in the near future. Not everyone is happy with the decision, however.

“The Security Council clearly works more for the interests of the powerful states than it does for the rest of us,” a representative from Bulgaria said after the passing of the resolution. “Cereal being labeled soup is a grotesque over-simplification of the issues. Furthermore, it’s an insult to soup. There should have been more time given to debating such a serious issue, but I have little hope of that happening next time considering the general state of impulsiveness this vote represents.” Next week, the council plans to move on from its discussion on cereal to a discussion and a likely vote on whether gloves are socks for hands. For now, keep reading The Plumber’s Faucet for updates of the utmost importance in international news.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

REVOLUTIONS: Now You Know by IsmaiL

What does a revolution mean to you? To some, it may be the civil war. To others, it may be the Spanish Civil War. Heck, I know a certain James Cameron who considers it to be Avatar. Did you know that people use revolutions in their everyday lives? Next time you’re walking on the sidewalk on your way to “Starbucks”, “Tim Hortons”, or “Dunkin Donuts”… “Cora”… or “‘Don’s”… “Gertz”, or “Universel Déjeuner & Grillades” or “Schwartz”… or “Listen to me I’m acknowledging your youthful consumer preferences Bar & Grill”… I want you to think. I want you to think about that sidewalk. Who do you think made that sidewalk? Construction workers. And who raised these construction workers? Their respective parents or guardians. But let me ask you something. Who, do you think, is the reverend at their local church? It is John O’Lue Shawns. Yes, his middle name is really an Irish Catholic last name, his last name is really the pluralized, Irish equivalent of ‘John’, which is his first name and means “Jehovah has been gracious” in Hebrew. And gracious, he has been. And so has Rev. O’Lue Shawns. Rev. O’Lue Shawns has also been gracious. Something interesting about Rev. O’Lue Shawns is that he constantly has a nosebleed and is allergic to tissue paper or anything that can prevent the blood from his nose to fall to the ground. He walks around with his DNA dropping on the sidewalk, and other people pick up this DNA just by walking on said sidewalk and walk on other sidewalks where other people pick up his DNA. Such is the cycle of life. Or the “Rev. O’Lue Shawns” of life, mind you. So you see, Rev. O’Lue Shawns are everywhere. I mean ‘is’*. Rev. O’Lue Shawns IS everywhere. Revolutions are also everywhere, as exemplified by the Civil War, the Spanish Civil War, and James Cameron’s Avatar.

Poll: Dance Dance Revolution or Communist Revolution by STAVROULA PABST

January 10th, 2018

REPORT: MCGILL STUDENT’S MENTAL HEALTH 100 PERCENT CURED by COOL-BEANS AND LEVI’S-JEANS

We did it everyone! Congratulations. We’re proud to report that McGill university is now 100% mental illness free. All we needed was a little hygiene de vie. Thanks, Olivier Dyens! Looking at the graph below, we can see the rise in success of the McGill Mental Health Services throughout the month of December, reaching 75% December 2nd, and 100% December 7th at the peak of exam season. Look at that slope!!! R2 =.99999999!!

Reportedly, hygiene de vie is making breakthroughs in cancer treatment as well. Reportedly 100%of the 40 people trialed in the McIntyre student oncology lab reported complete and full remission after being subjected to hygiene de vie. Good job, McGill. Finally, we can be proud of our mental health programme. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back, we deserve it. Especially the administration, we’re looking at you! You deserve our love and respect, and you finally have it.

by Claire Edrington

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

How To Start A Revolution in 5 Easy Steps! by Lorenzo Carrara

illustrated by Kiana Brett

1. Get A Cause, Or Perish Every revolution needs a catchy movement backing it. For example, the “More Dill NOW” followers or Juggalos. If you don’t have one of these before starting a revolution you might as well give up. 2. Buy A Horse Farm Horses are fucking scary and smell incredibly bad, both desirable traits in the dual revolutionary arts of subterfuge and battle. Also they go fast sometimes.

3. Have A Master Orator Getting someone to inspire your ragtag gaggle of freedom fighters is necessary for them to continuously die at the hands of a merciless, dangerous and coordinated enemy, so get someone like Jeff Goldblum or Robespierre’s disembodied head to do the talking for you. Unless you think you’re good enough, which we both know isn’t true.

4. Hire Chuck the Blacksmith, Might of the Eight Suns, Sunderer of the Depths Chuck is a great guy and would love to help! Apart from being armed and armored, you would be following timeless revolutionary wisdom: don’t not bring a knife to a gunfight.

Chuck The Blacksmith, Doing What He Does Best

OR 5. Spin Your Head Right Round (Like A Record Baby) Now that you’ve got an army of mounted fanatics, Robespierre’s head and, most importantly, Chuck, it’s time to party! Mount your old DJ set which you “just happened to bring” and look at the revolutions go.

5. Stick It To the Man, Fight The Powers That Be, Hasta La Victoria Siempre, Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite, Avanti Popolo A La Riscossa, Manchego Cheese Mount your heedless steeds and oil your scabbards, for the time of reckoning is at hand. If you’ve managed to gather more than 10 people behind you, I’m impressed, and there’s no way you got Jeff Goldblum because he’s writing this. Tell Chuck to give his wife a reassuring shoulder pat on my behalf.

Revolutionize Responsibly!

January 10th, 2018

Rejected Designs For the Guillotine by Armando Rivas

The Plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

The Evolution of Revolution by Jitika Shah

Will You Survive This Frat Party? by Stavroula Pabst No.

January 10th, 2018

New Year’s Resolutions For The Modern Woman by Sarah Lefebvre

1) Be nicer to telemarketers. Ask them their name, ask them about their day, read them their horoscopes. 2) Use less exclamation points in work emails!!!! 3) Don’t leave that pad thai on your desk for several hours and then eat more of it. Mostly because your coworkers have seen it sit on your desk for several hours and then watched you eat more of it.

4) Stop pretending to like Wu Tang Clan, he isn’t noticing! 5) Drink more water.

by Claire Edrington

6) Smile more! If you smile enough, strangers will tell you their life story on the train and rogue travellers will ask you to watch their luggage in a greyhound station.

7) Shower more often, dry shampoo and lying shouldn’t be enough. 8) Pepper conversations with things like “Ladybird was a good reflection of the human condition”. You don’t need to know why. 9) Write every day (for three days, and then stop forever).

10) Finally watch Boss Baby, people are waiting!!!

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

5 Winter Hotties You’ll Totally Be Crushin’ On by Ya’Boy Frankie

The QUirky One

She makes weird jokes, and laughs at your own. Sometimes she’ll stand up and dance on top of a table. That’s just who she is. She also loves her big grey winter coat. When you look a little closer….

It’s my ex. Wait, Rebecca… I’m so sorry about what happened.

The Smart One She studies day and night. Even on your first date she has a notebook with her that she checks intermittently. It’s cute. It’s even cuter when she leans in with that big grey winter coat she’s always wearing and… Rebecca. Please take me back Rebecca.

The Fun One She takes you out to parties and makes sure you never feel left out. Really a 10/10 person, with a killer carpe diem attitude. You also don’t mind the sexy thick grey winter coat she’s always wearing. You especially wouldn’t mind pulling down the hood and leaning in for a… Rebecca? I’m trying to move on but this is impossible. We both said some things we regret, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same connection with someone else.

The Adventurous One Always down for an adventure, coming up with spontaneous plans on the daily. It’s what makes life so fun, after all. You’re never gonna have a crazier time than when you’re with her. You go skiing every weekend; a different hill. Up the ski lift you’ll find yourself lost in the moment as you gaze at her in her gigantic grey winter coat. She pulls the down the hood and… it’s Rebecca again. I cry myself to sleep every night.

The Architect She’s always saying things like, “hey, let’s make a building” or “these steel beams look wrong to me”. She brings you to her work outings and makes you meet her architect boss and her architect coworkers. You have fun; a great group of people. On your way back home in the romantic winter cold, you get down on one knee and propose to her. The moment is perfect and she looks really beautiful in that big grey winter coat. She pulls down her hoodie and… it’s Rebecca. I have so many regrets. It’s all my fault, all that stuff with my family. It’s not how I really feel. How I really feel is… alone. So alone.

January 10th, 2018

UN Security Council Recognizes Middle Schooler Joey Sutton as Total Loser in New Resolution New York, New York: This Tuesday, the United Nations Security Council passed resolution 2396 (2018), which officially recognized local middle schooler Joey Sutton, 11, as a total loser. The vote passed unanimously, with 15 votes for the resolution and 0 votes against. “Joey Sutton is an absolute loser. Four eyes,” said Nikki Haley, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. “I’m glad we were able to pass a resolution that calls a spade a spade.” “What bad fashion sense that kid has,” said Vasily Nebeznya, Russian Ambassador to the United Nations. “And that kid still plays Pokemon? Sheesh, by the time I was nine I had already moved on to Grand theft auto. Loser!” “Whoever you’re crushing on, Joey, they don’t like you,” said the Egyptian Ambassador to the United Nations. “Give up now.”

by Claire Edrington

by Stavroula PabsT

While Joey refused to comment on the resolution, Joey’s parents were largely supportive of the decision made by the Security Council. “While this may be a little harsh of the council, I think it’s a needed wake up call for our family and for Joey,” Mrs. Sutton said in a meeting with the press. “It may be a strange hill to die on; however, it’s a necessary one. Still, one has to wonder whether this decision is some sort of reflection of deeply hidden insecurities these very powerful people may have in their own lives.” Next week, the council will move on from its discussion of Joey Sutton to talk about airplane food. For now, keep reading The Plumber’s Faucet for updates of the utmost importance in international news.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

Majority of People Who Make Fun Of Safe Spaces Have Man Caves, Recent Study Suggests by Stavroula PabsT Youngstown, Ohio: According to a recent poll by 538, a significant number of people who make fun of safe spaces in fact have their very own “man caves.” The survey question revealed that, in fact, about 63 percent of people who make fun of safe spaces have built man caves into their homes. Should this come to readers as a surprise? To get a little more information in the issue, reporters from the Plumber’s Faucet interviewed several people who made safe spaces, yet owned a man cave. “Man caves and safe spaces? They’re different,” says Youngstown resident Jeff, 55, who is both a safe-

space mocker and owner of a man cave. Jeff’s man cave is in the basement of his home and includes its own barricade to prevent trespassers. This enables Jeff to watch professional football and Tosh.0 without unwelcome company, including but not limited to women and cats (dogs are okay). “I’ll tell you, feminism is destroying this country. People need to learn how to take criticisms and stop being so sensitive,” said Jeff from his man cave. “Life isn’t a competition to see who can get most offended, after all. You can’t just live in your little box all the time.”

Top 5 Trends From This Era Future Robots Are Bringing Back by Wren Middleton We sat down with Carla, a young adult robot citizen originally from the 2118 century, and asked her what hot trends give robots from the future the warm and fuzzies. 1. Bikes! “My favourite cafe is a converted Starbucks where all the chairs are bike seats! The owner salvaged them from our scrap moon. All the servers wear messenger bags and you ring your bell to call them!” 2. Vaping! “Not everyone likes to dissolve into a collection of misty particles, but these days everyone loves to vape.” 3. Airplane travel! “We just miss that personal touch. Not knowing for sure if your luggage will show up, the smell of the air, and the food! My favourite teleport docking station has tiny bags of peanuts now!” 4. Weather! “Our art galleries are full of paintings of mediocre weather, really. You know, 10 degrees Celsius and cloudy. You just don’t see that anymore. I mean, if you go outside the sphere, yeah, but that’s extreme. At least it’s safe in here.” 5. Humans. “Honestly, it’s just been a real pleasure to talk to you. (Carla pulls out a 2006 Nikon). Could I get a JPG photo?”

January 10th, 2018

Boys Still Have Cooties, Local Woman Finds Spider Pathologists Confirm In Shower by Stavroula PabsT

New York City: According to a recent statement issued by over 1,000 pathologists, boys still have cooties. “I’m not sure how this is not consistently a top news story,” says local pathologist Dr. Jake Stergiou, 58. “It’s not that boys have recently not had cooties and they have just now come back or something. Boys have always had cooties, and let’s be clear: not only are cooties contagious, they are dangerous to the overall health of the public.” Stergiou’s colleague, Dr. Stella Oppenheimer, solemnly agreed. “Boys should not be allowed near girls. In fact, they should not be allowed near anyone. Please keep them out of public spaces whenever possible, and especially out of schools and grocery stores.” Unfortunately, according to pathologists, the cooties epidemic has not yet been contained. “If your child is a boy or has seen a boy from a distance of up to 1,000 feet in the last six months, your child has cooties,” Stergiou told reporters from The Plumber’s Faucet. “We are currently looking into ways to solve this issue. In the meantime, if your daughter asks to hang out with Jake across the street, say no.”

by Claire Edrington

by Stavroula PabsT

Montreal, Quebec: This morning, a spider appeared in Jessica’s shower before the twenty-one year old was about to begin her morning routine. Unfortunately for Jessica, the spider was not on a wall or even the ceiling; it was on the shower head. “You know, sometimes I see bugs in the shower, and it’s not a great time. I hate bugs, and especially spiders,” Jessica told reporters from The Plumber’s Faucet. “But typically, I can ignore them if they’re in the corner or something. You don’t bother me, I don’t bother you. That’s my general policy. But this spider was on the shower head, and there’s just simply no avoiding that.” Will she confront the spider in a potentially high stakes battle, or will she seek out other avenues of reconciliation? “I may wait for twenty minutes and come back,” Jessica replied. “Or I may see if I can have my roommate kill it or something, I really just hope that I can avoid touching this spider.” When confronted by reporters, the spider declined an interview.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

Beach Day, EVERYDAY by Ismail

McTavish smelled of the sweat and blood of tens of hundreds of 19-year old boys who are now approaching the SSMU doors. This story is about lifestyle. The thing about these young boys is that they know how to have a good time. Some thirty-year old Dick just wouldn’t understand, though. He wouldn’t let them have a good time even though their time and how good it is doesn’t affect his own ability to have a good time whatsoever. Like, who does that? “I don’t know about you boys, but I found that linear algebra exam ridiculously hard, and I spent entire days studying for it at McLennan. And now they come at OUR door and we were kind enough to open that door! We didn’t have to open that door! But we did it. We still opened that door. And they have the nerve to not let us have a good time even though our time and how good it is doesn’t affect his own ability to have a good time whatsoever. Like, who does that?” This legend of a man is Brett. He is the hero of the story. Dope guy. He knows how to have a good time but he still keeps it real, you know? Also, he really owns it. And by ‘it’, I mean the word ‘boys’. He doesn’t use it to solely refer to boys, but to others as well. You know, his boys. “I have taken several Management courses, so believe me when I say that I know the significance of being friendly as a means of getting what I want. We’ve tried that method, but… he’s being a Dick! Our time is ours! We deserve to have fun! We deserve to have fun… Every. Day. Now I know, a good leader shouldn’t be all soft, but I love you guys. Alright? I mean that. Now, who loves me? I mean, who’s with me?” Now, we move to the Club’s lounge where Brett and five of his boys, Chad (the quiet, pensive one), Thad (the right-hand man), Abraham (father of Isaac and Ishmael), Ishmael, and Isaac, have the Dick tied to a chair. In front of the chair is a single sheet of paper, containing The List of Demands. “Look, I’ve told you, we can’t possibly allow that.” “Can’t or couldn’t?” Chad says, his pensive side

clearly getting the best of him. “I admire the attention you give to diction, Chad, and I hope someday it could be used for good, but you boys have to believe me when I say that your plan is unrealistic. You can have Saturday, but-” “No, no, no, no.” Brett interrupts. “We don’t want Saturday, we want everyday. Not one day, not two days, and not Game Day. We want, Every… day.” “Except-?” “Except nothing, Mr. Whitman.” “Please, call me Dick. You’ve gotta understand. We can’t do that.” Brett isn’t giving up just yet. “Listen to me, Dick, I’m not giving up just yet. In fact, I’m never gonna give up because I love those boys and I gave them my word. All we want is every day.” “I mean, it’s always been just Saturday. You do the chant every day prior to Saturday, and then you have it on Saturday. I’ve never understood that chant, by the way. It’s not even everyday.” “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!” Abraham throws his kids out the window, in anger. He’s been at the school for centuries, never happy. How could he be? Always letting himself be told what to do by the higher-ups – never truly free. “Every day, walking tens of 18 year-olds across town with that chant, ‘Beach Day. Every Day. Beach Day Every Day.’ ‘Beach Day. Every Day. Beach Day Every Day.’ ‘BEACH DAY. EVERY DAY. BEACH DAY EVERY DAY!’” Abraham took a second to catch his breath. He continued, in a mocking tone. “Umm, Abe? Why is it ‘Every day’, isn’t it just the one day? More specifically, Saturday? Aren’t you supposed to be honest, Abe? I’ve been hearing that shit for decades, now. And you know what I answer? I answer, ‘I don’t know, child. I don’t know.’ I don’t have a GODDAMN CLUE WHY WE CHANT THOSE LIES BUT WE DO AND IT KILLS ME. Brett showed me it’s not right and I can’t do it anymore.” Abraham took a step back, covering his face. He’s probably crying but it’s not uncalled for given his position in the society we live in today. The guy’s clearly been through a lot and the Dick needs to get that.

January 10th, 2018 “You’re right,” Dick says, “Clearly you’ve been through a lot. And I need to get that.” Abraham replies, “Hey, thanks man.” “No, I mean it. I know what you’ve been through. What you’ve all been through. And you know what?” Dick asks. “What’s that, Dick?” Brett, the defender of boys, wonders.

just looked at his army of boys occupying the tens of steps. He just stared at them for literally twenty seconds, and concluded with three words: “Beach. Day. Everyday.” Then, everybody - Abrahams and Dicks – raised their hands and, in really cool unison, chanted: “BEACH DAY EVERYDAY!”

“I’ve once been through a loosely similar situation. And I mean that figuratively,” Dick tells the boys. “Listen up boys, I will accept your demands. And I will take that Four Loko.” Chad, Thad and Abraham threw Dick that Four Lokos. And Dick drank some of it after opening it. I bet it tasted good, I know I love a good can of Four Lokos. Then the four boys exited the lounge, placed themselves at the top of the staircase – now known as the starecase because of what happened next. Brett

Your 2018 Horoscope by Gretel Kahn Aquarius Last year you were trying so hard to ace all those assignments that it took a toll on your happiness and fulfillment. This year it is time to embrace the mediocrity of your abilities. Don’t try to be that straight-A student when your brain can only earn itself a B on a good day. It’s okay being a bit lazy and stupid. Remember: Cs get degrees!

Aries Mercury is in retrograde for you which means that you are going to face some healthy rejection and disappointment this year. Ask out that really hot girl in your POLI class that is totally out of your league. Apply for that internship that you are completely unqualified for. Tell your parents you want to major in World Religions. Do absinthe and realize it is “alright”. Sign the lease for that overpriced studio in the McGill Ghetto. Tell your partner you love them and see their eyes widen in terror. The world is your oyster but that oyster is going to be full of shit.

Pisces This year has not been the best one for you, the stars know. Despite your kind, friendly and attractive demeanor, you have not been able to find a date. Your sexy face is aching in loneliness and it kills me to see you like that. This year, the stars predict that you will find someone who cares about you and is hot (UNLIKE YOUR EX). Call me, 514-581-7761.

Taurus A lot of success is going to come your way if you work hard for it. Love is in the horizon with someone you perhaps overlooked last year. Go to Los Angeles. That cute co-worker or that person that sits next to you in class might be your 2018 beau! Kill Mark Wahlberg. This new year will be filled with new opportunities in love and in your career, so don’t be afraid to take chances. Your fake passport and ID will be in your mailbox. Don’t forget, good things come for those who try Taurus! Wahlberg must go. Just keep the positive attitude and check next week’s horoscope for further details.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V Gemini

Oh look who we have here, the two-faced snake. We’ve all had enough of your two-faced shit, Gemini. Maybe this year you should stop being such a homewrecking dumb-dumb Barbra. I know your star sign predisposes you to be a lying hypocrite but maybe don’t be like this? You give Geminis a bad name. That’s why everyone thinks you’re the worst sign. Boohoo Gemini, boohoo.

Leo You are a star and you know it. Despite your narcissistic tendencies being borderline psychopathic, the serial killer inside you will not be born this year. Nevertheless, you are attractive, confident, and friendly which will ease solidifying a relationship with your future victims. A police officer will come to your door investigeting that weird outburst you had in public when you threatened to kill everyone! You’ll just charm him like you charm everyone around you you devil. Cheer up! Maybe 2019 will be the year where the visions come true, Leo!

Libra This will be the year of new riches for you! You will finally be able to afford that new pair of headphones you always wanted after you abandon all your family and friends to join a pirate crew in Somalia. Being a pirate has always been one of your dreams, so don’t be afraid to take chances. A treasure might be waiting for you when your crew finishes exacerbating the internal and international conflict in the East Coast of Africa that is affecting millions of people. But those new headphones will look sick, dude!

Cancer As we enter the new year, you should drop the baggage you have from last year. It is time to accept that One Direction has broken up for good. Your friends have been supportive throughout this break up but when you said Liam’s song was better than Harry’s single, you almost lost some friends there buddy. We all know Liam is overcompensating for his alleged small dong, but Harry’s muted sadness is confirmation of his massive member.

Virgo New Year, same you. Your life will continue as usual this new year. Nothing interesting will happen to you in the 365 days of the year except for when you will accidentally pour curdled milk in your Cheerios (the bland kind, not the honey kind) in May. Oh boy, that will be so embarassing! Keeping that in mind, it is important to keep your hopes low as your life will just be as inconsequential this year as it has been ever since you have been a conscious being.

Scorpio Let’s just hope no one really reads this one because the stars don’t tell me anything about you, Scorpio, and I am too exhausted to ask the planets. People just read the one about their sign anyway. Okay...uhm... let’s just put some vague astrology keywords so this looks normal when people gloss over it. Success in confidence of new friends. Love life is different vision of the future. New year, new you blah blah blah. Alright, that’s good enough.

Sagittarius You are competitive and you know it. In order to succeed, you need to get ahead of others. This can be easily achieved by tripping people or stepping on their feet. If people ask you for your class notes, do not give it to them. It’s a trap. Rat out that guy in your seminar on Facebook to your professor. It might be fun! This might be the reason why you don’t have any friends and you are sad all the time, but at least...at least the other guys might have a worse grade than you?

Capricorn I am sorry to be the one that tells you this, Capricorn, but your breath stinks. Everytime your friend offers you gum, he is not being nice, he just thinks your breath is unbearable. A good resolution this year might be to start flossing and brush your teeth at least twice a day. The dentist that you have under your parents health plan would sure be grateful about that.

January 10th, 2018

by Claire Edrington

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

What To Expect During the 2018 Revolution by Meredith Charney

illustrated by KE Smith

During every revolution, there are certain important moments that affect us all and shape the course of future events. Here are some revolutionary dates to watch out for in 2018:

January 3rd Earth reaches perihelion, the point in its revolution at which it is closest to the sun. This perihelion, Earth will be approximately 147,100,992.479 km from the sun. This is a good time to tell the sun that you’ve missed feeling close to it. Don’t come on too strong or it’ll pull away again. You always come on too strong.

JUNE 21st The northern hemisphere has its summer solstice, at which point the Earth’s position relative to the sun is such that the northern hemisphere is angled toward the sun more than any other day of the year. This day has the longest period of daylight of the year, so you have plenty of time to stare directly into the sun and blind yourself if you so desire.

September 22nd The second equinox of the year means another day of roughly equal hours of light and darkness, as well as the beginning of autumn. Darkness lurks near. Prepare yourself by wearing a psychic protection amulet or perhaps some warm socks.

December 21st The northern hemisphere has its winter solstice, at which point the Earth’s position relative to the sun is such that the northern hemisphere is angled farther away from the sun than any other day of the year. This is the day with the shortest period of daylight all year, so it’s a perfect day to sit alone in the dark and think about how you’ve wasted yet another year, you’re a disappointment to your family, and you’re certainly not getting any younger. Happy solstice!

March 20th The northern hemisphere’s vernal equinox means a roughly equal amount of daylight and darkness, and the beginning of spring. Nature will soon be resurrected. Eat some dirt and pretend it’s not still cold out to distract yourself from the fact that finals are next month.

July 6th Earth reaches aphelion, the point in its revolution at which it is farthest to the sun. At this year’s aphelion, Earth will be approximately 152,092,504.953 km from the sun. As this is the farthest you’ll be from the sun all year, take this day of privacy to make some plans for what you’ll do when the sun expands, envelops the Earth, and eventually dies.

January 10th, 2018

WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!! Do you like the following things: Water Breathing Food Sex Me too! Sometimes I like to write for the Faucet though, which is really cool. It’s low commitment, takes no previous writing experience and we take submissions from EVERYONE. For submissions and questions, send a nicely worded email to: faucet@mcgilleus.ca

Join McGill Improv! Hey! You, reading this! You’re reading something (mildly) funny! I bet you’re interested in funny things. You are, aren’t you? If you want to know where to find more funny things, check out or join McGill Improv, another hilarious, low commitment club. McGill Improv has weekly workshops on Saturdays from 1-3 pm. They meet at the SSMU lobby then head up to the Club’s Lounge for the workshop itself. It’s a drop in workshop so once again, NO commitment necessary! It’s just a bunch of nice fun people having fun. JOIN US FOR THE NEW SEMESTER!!!

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. V

World’s First Revolving Floor by Dr. Mantis Toboggan

illustrated by Tess Van Donkelaar

Consider the door: there are many different kinds, some exciting, some lame. Sliding, revolving, hinged, unhinged, etc. The variety in door types is delightful, other inanimate objects should aim to be as exciting. Now consider the floor: it’s flat, level, immobile, and there’s next to no variety when it comes to floor designs. It’s such a boring concept and should honestly stay in 2017. Introducing the Revolving Floor, a fresh platform for excitement. With its constantly changing slope you can rest assured that you and your furniture will never be in the same spot from one moment to another. Don’t ask how it works, or why it exists, just shut up and appreciate how revolutionary it is.

Revolving Floor Mechanism