the plumber’s
FA U C E T
vol. 44 no. 1.5 • Oct 23, 2009
Special Halloween Pumpkin Page Last Minute
Costume Ideas
Ali Najmabadi
by Andrew Komar
Be wary of Vampire related sexual “accidents”
Vampire Sighting on Campus by Daniel Keresteci
Deep in the 18th century poetry section of the McLennan Library, curious and distressing sightings have been reported. Eye witnesses describe seeing thin, pale, black haired, goodlooking youths hidden amongst the bookshelves. They were identified as vampires when students heard them “bitch and moan about how crappy their eternal lives are and how they can’t have sex with regular people because they might ‘turn’ them” as U5 Mechanical Sean Turner told us. Investigation efforts taken by an inter-faculty panel of leading paranormal researchers have uncovered pages and pages of “crappy poetry about how everybody is ‘fake’ and how
they hate their parents” says Professor Creeps McGee. Students across campus are understandably upset about the apparent “douchieness” of these eternal being of darkness. “Vampires used to be badass, they fuckin’ stalked and then seduced people and then once they got them back to their place they sucked their motherfuckin’ blood! Now these pussies come around and ruin the whole thing.” U2 Classics student Phlabius Maxiumus complained. Little is known about how long the vampires intend to stay but many hope, as one student puts it, “... they grown the fuck up! They’re in university now... jeez”
Quick Halloween
Drink Recipes
Smashing Pumpkin 700 ml Polar Ice Vodka 2 litres C-Plus Orange Soda 1 bag small marshmallows
Mix in a punch bowl. Serves 8 to 10 people. Brain Hemorrhage 1 oz. Peach Schnapps 1 tsp. Bailey’s Irish Cream 2 drops grenadine
Pour schnapps into a large shot glass, slowly add Baileys and top with grenadine.
A Halloween Tale by Grey Kingsley & Edward Jerjian It was the Blues Pub before Halloween, 1959. Two chemical engineering students leave Blues Pub and head over to the nursing building. They decide to enter the nursing building, entirely inebriated, in search of blood for their research project. A nursing student is waiting for the last blood tests of the night to finish before she heads home for the weekend. The engineering students tiptoe down the dark hallway to the blood transfusion room on the 2nd floor, the only room with the lights on. Through the window, they see a refrigerator with blood vials and the nursing girl peering through a microscope. Suddenly, they hear footsteps echoing from the darkness. They panic and run to hide in the room. They grab
Costume Ideas
That will get you kicked out of 4 Floors
The Nudist Nothing but your naked butt (we’re looking at you, Kruitwagen). Michael Jackson’s Corpse Too soon, too soon. Slutty McGill Security Don’t get mixed up with the fuzz. The Giant Penis The dick and the balls. Edward Cullen Please don’t. Twilight sucks. Sean Turner Do you know where Sean Turner has been? Drug Dealer And actually deals drugs. Well, sometimes, on the weekend.
the girl, hush her up, and turn lights turn off. After the footsteps pass, they hear a sound from the other side of the dark room. They shit in their pants and the girl finds a moment to escape. They chase her down the hallway as
she makes her way to the basement. In the dank and moldy basement something lurks in the darkness. One of them grabs her from the shadows, and in a moment of desperation the other pulls out a syringe and pokes her in the arm. She twists and turns as the needle severs her brachial artery. She drops to the ground and starts hemorrhaging and dies a slow and painful death. It is the Blues Pub before Halloween, 2009. An engineer and a slutty nurse (only for Halloween) leave Blues Pub to make out in the Nursing building’s basement. As they kiss, the girl feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around. When she looks back, her face is disfigured and eyes a blaze. Possessed with anger, she bashes her boyfriend’s head against the cold concrete floor. She drags his body, streaking blood on the floor, and tosses him onto a pile of her other engineering victims.
Costume Creation for Girls in 5 Easy Steps
by Daniel Keresteci
Step 1: Pick a profession Any one honestly it doesn’t matter this will work with anything (eg. plumber). Step 2: Add the word “sexy” or “slutty” before the job title (eg. sexy plumber, slutty plumber).
Congratulations you now have a theme for halloween! Now on to the costume... Step 3: Make a uniform. It is usually easy to find used work uniforms at the Congratulations! You now look hot as Salvation Army (eg. cover-alls, t-shirt, shit for halloween! boots, trucker hat). Step 4: Once you have your uniform Enjoy yourself and remember, don’t done cut away from it at least 50% of let anyone call you a slut ... you’re its material (eg. cover-all become cut- just being one for Halloween! aways, shirt become lose fitting rag of fabric). P.S. The Editors will by a beer for Step 5 Add a few accessories and any woman dressed as a Slutty Plumber your done! (eg. wrench) at Halloween Blues Pub.