The Daycare Issue
The Plumber’s VOLUME XXXV ISSUE Ii September 17th, 2018
Faucet
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXV No. II
CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief Otman Benchekroun
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Copy Editors
Meredith Charney Wren Middleton
Writers
Sanchi Bhalla Lorenzo Carrara Alex Dombowsky Sarah Fernandez Manuela Galindo Steve Greenwood Bailey Hull Gretel Kahn
Miles Keily Baxter Wren Middleton Stavroula Pabst Harry Skinner Lila Taylor
Illustrators
Claire Edrington Freedom Sorbara Jitika Shah Ké Smith (Cover)
Disclaimer
The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
Wow. Two weeks of school flash by in a second. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. Hello! Welcome back! It’s already our second issue and you’re already begging for distractions! Well, my friends and Fauceteers, our magazine will gladly oblige. With all these new fresh new faces and courses appearing around campus with the new school year, we deemed it appropriate to have a theme for our issue that reflected how our university students should be treated. I present to you: The Daycare Issue. This issue will give you tips on what major you should pick, what profs a daycare student like yourself should avoid, and fun little games you can play by yourself to pass the time, you little baby, you. Above all, though, it’s filled with distractions and procrastination materials born out of our love and passion for our fellow students. Things are about to get tough, don’t underestimate how much you need us! If you need a break, and no, not just the potty kind, crack this mag open. Even better, come to our weekly comedy shows every Thursday at 7pm in the McConnell common room! Like us on Facebook, help us help you! “By the students, for the students” kinda shtick! That’s us. We’re the Plumber’s Faucet, and we’re here to serve your break-taking needs!
Complaints
The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIV no. VIII
Monday, September 17h, 2018
Otman Benchekroun
September 17th, 2018
Parents, You Won’t BELIEVE What Your Babies Are Texting!!! by Gretel Kahn and Harry Skinner Navigating parenthood in this day and age is very hard. Everyday there is a new smart device, a new website, a new sex robot. This guide serves to help new parents monitor the CRAZY texting habits of their babies.
BTW
G2G
Babes totes wack
Googoo to the gaga
OMW Only MILFS welcome
ILY
DTF
I’m looking YOUNG
BRB Bring the rascal babes
Diaper totally full
TTYL Teething today you losers
DW WTF Where’s the [baby] formula
Dad’s weird
NP Ni-pple
LMFAO HSMDRIRAUOMGTFA. IRWICFARSEITWM Holy shit, my diaper rash is really acting up on my genitals this fine afternoon. I really wish I could find a remedy somewhere in this wonderful magazine
They just text a lot about the uncle-nephew duo that came up with hit songs such as “Party Rock Anthem” and “Shots”
FWB Fuck, where’s blankey
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The Top 5 New Names For The Pentagon by Alex Dombowsky I major in political science, so I often wonder to myself how exactly a career in politics would look like. Well, to me politics is all about making a change in the world. Looking at current events, one can pretty much see that everything is all fine in the US-of-A. This made me frustrated but my sights soon narrowed on a perfect target: the Pentagon. The military-industrial complex needs some overhaul, the least of which is the name for the building housing the Department of Defense.
1. Mr. 5 Side. 2. The Hexagon (NEVER let your enemies know the full truth about where the military is). 3. Johnny Polygon the Fifth. 4. The Washington Building (it’s about time old George got his due!). 5. Chili’s (I just think it would be a great expansion opportunity for the amazing chain). If you’re a member of the US Military and inexplicably reading this, then you can contact me by picking up the soup-can attached to a string outside my treehouse–I mean, the phone outside my luxurious apartment.
Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
th September , 2018 Sorbara 5 by 17Freedom
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Majors For Preschool Children by Stav Welcome to Preschool at McGill! We’re happy to have you here this year. Here are some majors you’ll be able to pick upon coming here!
Majors:
Time-Out:
Learn the inner workings of why children get in trouble, and why getting in trouble is bad. Learn what it REALLY means when someone tells you they will “Call your mom to come pick you up!” Prospective Careers: Cop
Grilled Cheese:
CHEESE Prospective Kindergarten Roles: More Grilled Cheese, cheese by itself. Prospective Careers: Chuck E. Cheese
Sharing:
Advanced Shapes:
No one needs squares. It’s on to cubes. And parallelograms. This is serious business. Prospective Kindergarten Roles: The Smart Kid, The Video Game Kid (Not recommended. Please don’t do this)
Bullying:
Lie, cheat, and steal your way through preschool. Take everyone’s Pokemon cards. Beanie Babies, too. Look over your shoulder when you’re supposed to have your head down in “Heads up, seven up.” Color outside the lines. Make fun of everything everyone brings to show and tell. Leave the play-doh out for too long so it gets all dried up. No one cares, this isn’t kindergarten. Prospective Kindergarten Roles: Full-time Bully, the Cool Kid Prospective careers: Cop, Politician
Learn how to be nice to your fellow classmates and to your teacher! Learn how to clean up after yourself. Share your snacks with your friends and even your bullies! Awww. Athleticism: Prospective Kindergarten Roles: Can you hit stuff? Can you kind of run? Can Doormat you manipulate four-year olds into letting Prospective Careers: you pick the teams every time when you Communist play kick-ball? If yes, this is for you. Prospective Kindergarten Roles: Polly Pockets: Gym Class Bully, Standard Bully (Not recommended) Prospective Careers: Eat all the squishy shoes. Gym class teacher that eggs on the gym Go to hospital. We take polly class bullies, year after year. Repeat the pockets away from you. cycle! Prospective Careers: Not sure
Don’t Let the Balloon Touch the Ground:
Learn all about the different types of balloons and grounds that are most suited for this classic game. Be the life of the playground. Don’t let the balloon touch the ground! Prospective Kindergarten Roles: Tennis?
Telling the teacher/ “Snitching”:
Tell on people. Sacrifice your social status in preschool for no reason. Loser!! Prospective Kindergarten Roles: Goody Two-Shoes, Class Pet Prospective Careers: Librarian, Cop
Minors: Veggies
(Recommended)
Nose Picking
(Not recommended)
Tying Shoes
(Recommended)
Putting the Basketball Under Your Shirt Like You’re Pregnant (Not recommended)
Goldfish Crackers/ Popsicles:
Choose ONE of these. Not both, or you will also have to minor in veggies.
Square Peg-Round Hole
September 17th, 2018
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Where Did the SSMU Children Go
by Sanchi Bhalla
As the shocking announcement of University Centre closing down for a year spread through Facebook feeds, one observed the selfish nature of the McGill students as they rioted against the displacement of beloved clubs. Who cares if the Tribune is forced to move– do we really need free press? To those who are concerned about the Salseros or the Player’s Theatre I ask, is something that brings you joy and acts as a stress-buster during finals really something you NEED, or simply a selfish want? While we cry and petition for the 230+ clubs, we’re forgetting the true victims of this situation. I’m talking, of course, about the SSMU children. For the uninformed, these children are the offspring of McGill staff and students who are given to SSMU as a sacrificial offering to appease Marty the Martlet, whose love of children exceeds even his love of under-attended sports games. This, of course, is hidden by the front of being a “daycare”. Now, however, as their usual sacrificial grounds have been taken away owing to construction, the “babysitters” are forced to bring their wards into the light, thus leading to the common sight of a baby-chain of sorts marching ominously across campus with blank stares, holding on to the backpack in front of them with dear life. Says Patrick Snyder, U2 Nursing, “I saw a train of tiny beings walking past McConnell as Frostbite was closing for the day. A goblin-esque crowd trampled everything in their path to get to the ice cream. Luckily, there were no casualties, but four people, including me, ended up the student clinic. It’s been about a week now and we’re still waiting for an appointment, but at least we’re away from those savages.” So where are these students marching off to? What’s their agenda? Have they been brainwashed into Marty’s cult or is there still hope? There have been sightings at McLennan, where they attempted to break into a display, Bronfman, where a single toddler gave a rousing presentation on her latest invention – drinkable cereal – and asked for investors, and FDA, where the kids played dodgeball with the falling roof tiles. If seen, do not approach them. They’re highly dangerous and armed with sippy cups. If seen, contact McGill security, ignore the screams that result from informing them about these satanic youngins, and beg them to come help you. Reports indicate that the new daycare will be at Tokyo on Saint Laurent, where the crying, tantrum-throwing children are expected to perfectly blend in with the crowd of first years. Thus, your tickets on Thursday will now be for overpriced milk, and will not include coat check, as that whole area has been sectioned off for naptime. Any inconvenience is regretted. Please ignore the ceremonial sacrificial circles around the bar, stepping on one will result in a crowd of “babysitters” walking towards you, monotonously chanting nursery rhymes and bearing lit teddy bears. How do you, an average McGill student deal with this new crisis? You can’t. If they’re close enough to smell, it’s too late. If you are feeling brave, we recommend clearing the area of these children as soon as possible. Chocolate baits and traps laid with fidget spinners work particularly well. If you see a chain of tiny humans walking into a frat house, usher them out before they occupy your messy and disgusting surroundings demanding to be made the president. You can’t say no to a baby, and you might end up with a chocolate keg if action isn’t taken. Or at least offer them milk in solo cups. It’s better to appease our overlords than fight them.
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Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
September 17th, 2018
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More Fighting in Sunnyside by Miles Keily Baxter Tragedy hit the cafeteria yesterday and Sunnyside daycare is reeling from the aftermath It was supposed to be an ordinary “Meat Monday Lunch Fun” here at Sunnyside and for awhile it seemed to be. But at 1:07 pm members of the Sandpit militia entered in clear violation of the earlier peace accords. Their leadership later claimed they were just trying to get some milk but other sides dispute this. They seemed to be looking for a fight and found it when the religious warriors who call themselves ‘The Brothers of the Nap’ came in and asked the militia to leave. What happened next is confusing and near impossible to determine for sure, but we know the end result. The once peaceful lunch had quickly become a battlefield. Reinforcements flowed in and the fragile peace that had taken so long to form was shattered in mere moments. The fighting was contained to the east side of the cafeteria as both sides used whipped cream to devastating effect; casualties were high but for the moment the fighting was contained to these 2 groups. This was not to remain.
by Jitika Shah
The arrival of the 501st tricycle brigade has proven controversial to say the least. The general has claimed they were there to restore order but they were accused by the United Schools of looking for a fight. What can not be disputed is the escalation that occurred as they charged the locked combatants. This had gone from a skirmish in a running gang war to a full scale battle. With the arrival of the tricycle troops, the preschoolers scattered and the fighting spread to all areas of the cafeteria and more and more gangs got involved like a snowball of blood, destruction and crayons. Mashed potato scoops flew for hours until the fighting finally died down at the end of naptime. Medics are still pulling the injured off the battlefield a full 30 minutes later, but a full count of the injured has proved impossible. To this reporter what is truly horrifying is not this massacre but how commonplace it has become in this divided preschool. This is not uncommon here and until the elementary school community gets involved it will remain so.
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Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
Lucy’s Corner, Real Life Kid Correspondent by Lila Taylor
Hey there! My name is Lucy S., and I am your kid correspondant! Not sure what that means, but it’s what they told me to say. As the queen of daycare, I have decided to use my powers for good, and share my important ideas. We are always taught sharing is caring. Let’s get to it. First of all, the toilets at school are too tall. Me and my squad have trouble because our legs are just too short. It seems that the people who made the bathrooms only care about adults and I am sick of it. It’s really unfair. Anyone can reach a small potty, but only grown ups can reach the large potties. Next, the snacks are bogus. Only a tiny cup of Goldfish CrackersTM? For the time I spend here, you would think I could at least get a full bowl. And if it’s not Goldfish, it’s popcorn, or those tiny fruit cups which are just juice. And we get juice anyway! What is the point of all of that juice.
One of my biggest problems has to do with recess. The only time we are allowed outside is when me and my friends are all on this giant leash. We look like puppies, and all of the big kids stare at us when we walk by. It’s really embarrassing. We have an indoor slide, but that’s it for a playground. I’m done with the leash and I’m done with the indoor slide. Finally, we need to talk about Band-Aid selection. When I get a boo-boo, I don’t need a little beige bandage ruining my wardrobe. Where are the superheroes, or princesses, or animals, or at least some colors! When someone gets hurt, a nice band-aid can take away tears. It also adds a nice change to an everyday outfit. Thank you for reading. I will be back next week with more problems to discuss. And I might have a special guest! Until then, it is my turn to take care of the class pet hamster, wish me luck!
September 17th, 2018
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Spot The Differences by Claire Edrington
Answers ON the BACK OF THIS Page by Claire Edrington “I don’t see a consent form I enlisted the help of twin from the children’s mother.” assistants Legalities and bureaucracy A red box released Thing are not my strong suit One and Two The kids were fine, I’ll pay for “Those names are rather therapy “What was your objective?” rude” by SAnchi BHalla To keep children entertained Eh, they’re brainless, they They might need it, I made their house go kaput “It says here that you tordidn’t have a clue tured a fish?” Good morning all That, I agree, was a little My name is Suess “How did the Things contrib- “I’m sorry, there’s no way you’re getting your diploma.” harebrained. I want my diploma ute to your study?” So I won’t play fast and loose Not well, I’m afraid they were The family is fine, though the mom might say I I attempted to disprove the like whiskey sours law of gravity My thesis, you see One is a bad idea, two were shocked her, What if I slip a couple BenjaBalancing on a ball with a Is on a hatted feline a disaster mins in your pocket? “What did you just say?” cup on my hat The post-Things clean up “Well then, here you go, conIt’s an idea I had while ap- “And how did that end?” took seven hours gratulations doctor.” Newton was right, I fell flat proaching the deadline.
Doctor Seuss Gets A Diploma
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Instagram Friend Only Exists At Anime Convention by Stav
Columbus, Ohio: It seems that based on her posts, Instagram friend and Ohio State University alumni, Carrie Little, 24, is only to be found at anime conventions. “I get it, it’s a hobby, and to be honest, it sounds quite fun,” said fellow Ohio State alumni Jessie, 23. “But from what I know, these things take quite a lot of planning. You have to choose a character and spend quite a lot of money to dress as them properly, you have to book hotels if you’re going far enough away, all that sort of thing. I’m under the impression these things take months to plan properly.” “That all being said, it’s a little strange that Carrie seems to only be posting about herself at anime conventions,” continued Jessie, showing us Carrie’s instagram. “And it’s not like she posts every now and then. She posts about herself being at different conventions at least once a week, and in a different cosplay outfit each time. I’d have to wonder if she does literally anything else. Does she have a job? Family? A pet? It’s all unclear to me.”
September 17th, 2018
Local College Student No Longer Pumped For Journey by StEVE Greenwood Song On Friday night, “Don’t Stop Believing” came on the radio at Gert’s, and local McGill student Brad Chadwick felt nothing. The iconic piano intro began, and everyone in the bar screamed as usual. A chorus of “oh my God I fucking love this song!” echoed throughout the bar, and everyone began to hype up. Brad continued to harbor an emptiness inside that was slowly leaving him a shallow husk of flesh. As Steve Perry belted out the iconic words, “just a smalltown girl,” everyone in the bar sang along, expressing more emotion than most of them had experienced since this exact same thing had happened the previous Friday night with the exact same song. Brad went through the motions of belting out the words and thrusting his limbs in the appropriate directions while secretly wondering if he would ever stop feeling dead inside.
By the time everyone struck their favourite pose for the word “strangers,” preparing to move to their next appropriately-amped-up movement for the word “waiting!” Brad started wondering if anyone else at the bar was heartlessly pushing themselves through the ritual the way he was. He began looking around to see if anyone else had the same soulless look in their eyes that he assumed he must have, and was not surprised to see a few blank pupils staring back at him in quiet desperation. He wondered when this had begun to happen. He knew that, once upon a time, this song had filled him with excitement and emotion. He could experience the “smell of wine and cheap perfume” in the air around him as if he was in the singer’s smoky room himself, even if listening to the song in a car.
Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
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However, with every late-night singalong at Gert’s, this emotion began to fade, and now he found himself dreading the moment when that opening piano would begin to play over the radio and he would have to force himself to mime emotions that he remembered but could no longer feel. When asked where he will go from here, Brad responded with some sense of hope. “At least I’m still feeling some things to Bohemian Rhapsody when it comes on, even if that feeling is slowly starting to fade as well,” he said. “But maybe I think we should stop trying to force ourselves to prove to everyone else how much we love a song, and just experience it in our own way, even if that means sometimes being less intense about it. Then when we really are feeling it, it will let us really enjoy those moments.” Pausing for a few seconds, Brad decided to add: “And maybe I just need to learn more than 2 songs.”
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by Wren Middleton
illustrated by Claire Edrington
September 17th, 2018 Baa Baa Black Sheep Baa, baa, Big Suze, Can I use my Juul? No please stop now, You look like a fool; How do I unwind Now that smoking has been banned? “Good hygiene de vie”, Is Ollivier Dyens’ stand. Rock-a-by Baby Rock-a-by froshee Don’t be a slop, There’s throw-up on your clothes Can you even walk? Hooked up with those Jakes Made a lot of mistakes, I can smell the Froshee, FourLoko and all. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, Twinkle, twinkle, comes the grenade grenade, Need to check my final grades, Oh Minerva, you cause such strife, Please be curved, it’ll make my life. Why would a prof be so mean? Of an A, I’m short of only eighteen, Should I write an angry e-mail? I knew I should’ve taken you pass/fail
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McGill Nursery Rhymes
by SANCHI BHalla
Old MacDonald had a farm Old McGillian had a final E-I-E-I-O His diet’s solely General Tsao’s E-I-E-I-O With a cry-cry here And a puff-puff there Here a chug, there a chug Everywhere a chug-chug Old McGillian is now in U6 “Where did my focus go?” Hickory, dickory, dock. Hickory, dickory, dock. Going to McMed, racing the clock. The clock struck one, Class has already begun, And I’m too scared to knock. Humpty Dumpty Mr. Bronfman sat on a wall, Mr. Bronfman had a great fall, All of his suits and all the Sleeman Couldn’t put the shark together again
SECRET IMAGE THAT IS NOT MEANT TO BE SEEN. DO NOT LOOK
THE NEXT PAGE CONTAINS A
AT THIS IMAGE, IT WAS PUT IN BY ACCIDENT
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by Sarah Fernandez and Lorenzo Carrara
Poor Oafish Fool. This Renaissance Dog Hath Cursed You. Beware Its Ill Tidings.
Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
September 17th, 2018
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Dove Releases 10-in-1 All Purpose Cream
by Alex Dombowsky
Living life in America means you’re going to have to keep track of a lot of cream. A new poll shows that the average American uses 8 different types of cream daily, and over their lifetime will use hundreds of different variations. in response to this trend, Dove has decided to release a groundbreaking new product that will make all our lives more efficient: a 10-in-1 all-purpose cream. The cream, simply called “Cream” by Dove, can be used as all of the following: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hand cream, moisturizer, toothpaste, sunscreen, cream of tartar, whipped cream, and ice cream (when frozen first). Though these are the ten official uses of Cream, scientists at UCLA say that there are potentially hundreds of uses for it, including salad dressing, cream cheese, and white paint. “What we’re seeing here is unprecedented. Dove has truly perfected the formula for cream,” said Dr. Jerry Stewart, a chemistry professor at UCLA. Early reactions have been ecstatic. Stu Bayer, a car repairman from Boston, Massachusetts, said, “Just this morning I realized I ran out of toothpaste.
Luckily, I was able to go right back in the shower and grab some Cream, which I had already used as shampoo, conditioner, and body wash just seconds before.” Martha Bender, an accountant from Salt Lake City, Utah, told us, “I’ve always wanted to have my skin nice and fresh when I was serving apple pie at Thanksgiving. Cream allows me to put one dab on a family member’s pie, then one dab on my finger so I can stay moisturized.” Even children are reacting positively to Cream. Nine year old Timmy Baker from Columbus, Ohio commented, “When I go up to brush my teeth, I can now just eat ice cream instead.” There was some controversy about the product after it was revealed that Cream produces an extremely toxic gas when boiled, which will kill anyone instantly when inhaled. Dove viewed this, however, as another victory. In their brazen official statement, they said, “We regard this as an eleventh use for Cream: a potent biological weapon.” The release of Cream follows the highly successful release of Tape by Lowe’s Department store, which could be used as scotch tape, duct tape, masking tape, and video tape.
Rate My Prof: Daycare Edition by Manuela Galindo
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3 is the magic Number
September 17th, 2018
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Join Queer Engineer
Queer Engineer is an EUS Club that works towards promoting awareness and providing a safe and welcoming environment for all members of the LGBTQ+ community in engineering. We organize multiple events throughout the year such as meet and greets, activities and outings, networking events, and study parties. All are welcome to participate, and we greatly encourage anyone who is interested in having a great time to come on by this coming year. It’s a great way to make new friends and learn more about LGBTQ+ culture. For more info, please check out our Facebook page or email us at
queer.engineer@mcgilleus.ca.
WRITE FOR THE FAUCET!! PLEASE READ THIS!!!! We need writers, illustrators, editors, all the help we can get! You should join us here at The Plumber’s Faucet! It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a humour magazine, and is a great way to get new friends and slip into the McGill comedy world. We literally consider ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or no. We publish our magazine’s once a month! For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca
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Craft Baby Food Reviews by Bailey Hull
Craft baby food is one of the hottest commodities on the market: Nowadays, you can barely throw a stone without hitting a gourmet baby food shop. To help you sort through all of the options you have when it comes to picking the most quality mixes, we at the Faucet have put together a guide of some good choices for you to start with.
Gerber Apricot Mixed Fruit Pleasantly fruity with a light body. Contains hints of citrus-y notes, as well as a lightly bitter acidity. Perfect for smearing all over your face while screaming at the top of your lungs. 8/10
Nestle NIDO Powdered Milk Beverage Very strong flavor, but has a rewarding, full-bodied aftertaste. Hazy in coloring that looks more milk-adjacent than like actual milk. Excellent for immediate regurgitation onto your parent’s face. 6.8/10
Earth’s Best Organic Peas & Brown Rice A warm, medium-bodied flavor with strong notes of wheat alongside the peas. An intense, unfiltered aftertaste. Makes for some very aromatic shits, which your parents will likely never forgive you for. 9/10
Plum’s Organic Pear, Spinach, and Pea Thick, opaque, and rich. Sweet and savory flavors with notes of broccoli at its base. Pairs well with either a long nap or twelve straight hours of Peppa Pig. 7.7/10
Cheerio found on the kitchen floor The ultimate versatile food for any situation. Earthy front taste with notes of dust bunnies and dog piss. Crunchy and refreshing. 10/10