-v~~e 18 ~M.t<.e 2
,Q~;tt\l!l'-geJr. 2', 2001
THE, PLUMBERS
PUBUSHED BYTHE McGILL ENGINEERING UNDERGRADUATE SOCIETY
The Golden Girls, . You Find 'em Sexy.' Admi!t It. ~
It's not pixelated, it's one of those photo-mosaics. Look really close and see if you can identify the episode and scene!
-New Dom Deloueese Pin Up
-Find out what actually happens when you go to hell and lTIore in this lTIonths issue
~~tâ&#x201A;Ź-')l\geJr, 2G. 2001
:P4~e. 2
"V toke. 18 .4~e. 2
~~, p+
ANota From th8 Editors 1
Shane Jacobs
Matt Harker
The past couple weeks have been quite a mosaic of interesting events in the mystical world of Shane Jacobs. After lamenting the fact that his Rogaine prescription had run out, he soon learned that it could be bought ov~r the counter! Oh, life's little joys. Shane's flagball team actually won a game as well, so perhaps things are on the up and up. On the downside., it's almost a month into classes and Shane still doesn't have a Design I team, the prof thinks he's a girl, and considering some teams have already started construction, the future is not exactly bright. But don't fear, Shane has never been one to worry about classes. On a somewhat more interesting note, (and hopefully more humorous, that last paragraph was pretty brutal) Shane has finally begun to focus on his life-long calling, becoming a professional Penguin. Shane knows that this takes years of training and dedication, as well as some black and white paint, 16 square feet of cardboard, a four-inch piece of string, and 9 of those little chocolates the maids leave on your pillow at hotels. But, with a little perseverance and perhaps an instructional video or two, Shane knows he can accomplish anything. Plus, with the infinite rewards of swimming around the South Pole, frolicking with the narwhals and walruses, and stealing people's MasterCard's, the incentive should be
Matt was taken from his home earlier this month by a distraught sibling who was bringing his life to an end, em, getting married, and thus Matt has been very busy. You can imagine what a hassle it is to help your brother get over those jitters and finally commit to one person. I mean, you have to calm your brother by throwing him an awesome bachelor party. Then you've got to make "special arrangements" with the "entertainment" for the bachelor party, you have to make sure the bachelor party runs smoothly, you have to "thank" the "entertainment" for the bachelor party, then you have to re-settle your brother after he offers to "thank" the "entertainment" himself, etc. etc. As you can see Matt has had some important duties, and would you believe it, that's not all! Matt, being the funny man that he is, was somehow conned into M.e. 'ing the reception. Matt toiled laboriously to come up with the best material for his M.C. duties, including watching every episode of Seinfeld ever made, as well as reading George W. Bush's book, "Conversating at Marriaginal Ceremonies." Nothing, not even a Fluids II assignment, would stand in Matt's way of performing the best Master of Ceremonies job ever.
a pretty strong driving force. Re-
member, if you can see it, you can be it.
Unfortunately for all of Matt's loyal fans, Matt used all his material at the wedding, and thus is no longer funny. When asked to write something funny for the Faucet, Matt's only reply was, "cheese. " Please include Matt's humor potential in your daily prayers, and maybe by next issue he'll be funny again. We
Phillip Carpenter Well, those editors sure do take up a hell of a lot of space. Oh well, I just have to laugh at Shane's trials and tribulatiONS at the hands of our Design Prof. I still think that Shane should take my idea. It's simple, cost effective and does not require an electric motor, not to mention the fact that it can be summed up in two words: Trained Squirrels! Well, you'd have to put them in a box with the golf balls and the details should be worked out a bit more thoroughly but I'm sure it could work. Moving right along ... So while fending off inquiries about my summer at RVC, meeting some nice donnish people in residence and losing at beer die (just because I threw it behind myself, twice, in one game, is nota valid reason to avoid being my partner) I have actually gone to class. Did you know that professors actually go over course material in something called a class?
can only hope.
Alan Powell Production Manager- Alan is a firm young man,mostly in his hands. Alan runs a porn distribution syndicate in his spare time (seriously, he does). As production manager Alan is copping out early to drink, but is ussually a dedicated member of the faucet staff. Alan loves his Richard Simmons tapes and boy george videos. As a U2 Metals and Materials engineering student, Alan does not have as much time as he would like to work on the faucet, shcoolwork and his masturbation. Read more from him and our other staff in this months issue of "Southern Cooking".
- Hand-held washer and dryer I -pepper spray for eggs I -Urine in an applejuice bottle I -Applejuice in a.urine bottle I -Superbowl rings. I -Faucet I - 2000 flushes I -Anus -sol ointment I -Over-sized bong I L _ _ _ 1ilJ~~~ _ _ _ _ _ _ _-Sweedish nenis enlamer ..I -British Cucumber -Vasaline -Ugly Stick -Guava Jelly -A Gee Gee -Vagasil -Porn -Escort service coupons -fake poop
If you missed the year's first issue ofthe Faucet, wow, where the hell have you been? Just kidding, but seriously, it's been out for almost a month now, and considering we're a bi-monthly newspaper, you've had a lot longer than usual to get your hands on an issue. But at least you've got this one so you are in for a treat ofthe bi-monthly variety. This brings me to a much more important matter, if something is bi-monthly, does it happen twice a month, or once every two months? I've studied this issue for years and have never really come to any sort of definitive answer. So many people have told me, 'just remember bi means two, like bicycle." Okay, thanks a lot, but that doesn't really help, like, at all. Of course there's some sort offactor oftwo you uphelpful bums, I'm not a chimpanzee! (No offense to George W. Bush intended) I just need to know where the factor of two goes, or for that matter where it came from. A bicycle has two wheels, so if something happens bi-annually, it should happen twice a year. But I know that a nation celebrates its bi-centennial every 200 years, not twice every 100 years! ARRRRGGGG!!!! So if any of you out there can solve this whimsical puzzle, and more importantly come up with some way to remember which is which, so I don't embarrass myselfany further by telling people that our publication is bi-monthly when it's really bi-weekly, or vice-versa, or even bi-centennially, than please help. The rest of you can read on, oblivious to the bi-monthly troubles of a poor Faucet Editor. ErUoy! -Ed
Volume 18. Issue 2.September 26th, 2001
Til.
"11111"""
rOlloca'
Room 7, McConnell Engineering Building McGill University 3480 University St. Montreal QC H3A 2K6 Tal: (514) 398-4396 Fax: (514) 398-5004 E-Mail: theplumbersfaucet@mcgilleus.ca
Welcome to the Plumber's Faucet. Read us, enjoy us, and most of all, and do not take us :0 0 seriously. If you think you are halfway to being funny, come and join us. We take all literate persons regardless of faculty and if you are half-ways to being funny, you are twice as close as us. Weare: 'dUor on the Hog: Matt Harker 'ditor on the Gong Show: Shane Jacobs oney Man: Philip Carpenter 'roduction Manager: Alan Powell 'istribution Manager: Position Vacant Regular Columnists Hot Mamma, Staff Cynic ¡
:~~~----------------------, Shopping list: -bone saw I I I I I I I I I I
Well another year has started with a bang, and the Faucet has proven itself once again to be a leading force in the McGill reporting and news sector. The editors have been slaving away to bring you the best in humor, opinion, and good old-fashioned bull shit so that you have something to do in class. Please don't be concerned about reading the Faucet right in front of your profs, they read it too, just don't get caught reading that other newspaper.
----------
Contributors Steve Jinidlo, Noam Silberstein, BV Arciero, Amitabh Saxena, Every two weeks, in a vain attempt to keep our stands full, The Plumber's Faucet fills them with the quickly sought after 5,000 regular issues. The mass that is the McGill student body reads them and often keeps them, laughing years later. For advertising information, please contact our friendly Business Manager. Philip Carpenter. He will be more than happy to explain all the details about advertising in the PJ!unber's Faucet. He can be reached at the above address with office hours every Thursday, 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m.
Ifyou wish to cOntact any other member of our staff just drop us a note by email, smoke signal or other such reasonable forms of communication
We would like to take this oppertunity to infonn you that. .. All material published in the Plumber 's Faucet is copyright of the Plumber 's Faucet as of the dare of publication. The opinions in the Plumber's Faucet are exclusively the opinions of their authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of McGill University, The Faculty of Engineering, the McGill Engineering Undergraduate Society nor necessarily the views of the editors. Submissious are accepted from all literate persons regardless of faculty. Content that is deemed not to be racist, sexist, seditious libelous, or contravene the Canadian Cha.rter 0 Rights and Freedoms will be accepted. The editors of the Plumber's Faucet reserve the right to modifY. abridge, or otherwise change any subIVissions without the author's permission, in all cases content will be preserved as much as possible. All submissions must contain the author's name and contact infomlation. Anonymity may be requested. This publication contains satire, parodies, and expressions ofthought that not all readers may understand or share. Reader discretion is thus advised. Any comments about the Plumber's Faucet or material within must be directed in writing to the above contact addresses. Publication of such comments is at the writer's request. Letters for publication should be kept below SOO words. Protests must follow Article 8 of The Constitution of The Plumber's Fauce which is available for public viewing at the above addresses. Any similarities between material in the Plumber's Faucet and material that has a copyright is unintentional and coincidental, unless attribution has been given to use such material.
-yo<oke. 18' .4~e. 2
C;P4ge. .3
Letters 10路 The Editing Staff Dear Faucet This letter is directed toward Rumford, the author of last issue's column "Rumford Speaks on ... " I take quite an offense to his disrespect towards Rutabagas and the Rutabaga family. My family has beeri growinKRutabagas for 7 generations and it is a fine art that has been perfected only with great patience and by passing on secrets through the ages. That you could disgrace the Rutabaga, or "The Great Vegetable" as we call it, by claiming that it's only use would to chuck at someone, is disgusting and vulgar, and I intend to lobby the EUS to shut the Faucet down if any more malicious comments are made toward The Great Vegetable. Sincerely Barry Sarkowicz President ARS (Association ofRutabaga Scholars)
Dear Barry I apologize for my misrepresentation of your "Great Vegetable" In the future I will be sure to ch.uck Rutabagas directly at you so you are rendered incapable of writing such ridiculous letters. -Rumford
Dear Faucet I was at SSMU Activities Day a few weeks ago and saw that you guys were selling lap dances for $10. Isn'tthat a little cheap considering how sexy the average Faucet editor is? I was planning to get at least two but the lineup was too big! Forever yours Longing for love
Dear Longing As sad as it is, we were selling cLAP dances, not lap dances as many people hoped. This summer a few of the editors were trained in the ancient art ofslapping oneselfto the beat ofMayan Sonatas, and we were merely displaying our talents. If you'd like a lap dance, be sure to speak to us personally. - ed
Dear Editors, I was wondering ifyou were going to redo the cover oflast year's October issue? You know the one, with Phil half-naked on the front in nothing but a lab coat. I have that cover laminated and posted on my wall over my bed. Perhaps you could do one with all ofyou guys naked with strategically placed Faucets. Here's hoping.
Dear Hopping Bunny, Well, given that the Faucet is printed on 11 X 17 inch tabloid format, your idea might just work, although it may have to be more than one Faucet per staff member. -Ed
Dear Editors, Who the fuck turned the civil room upside down?! I know you guys know. You guys know everything, all the gossip in engineering. They turned everything upside down. The couches, the desks, the microwave, the clock and even our trophies and garbage can, the devilish pranksters must have been gemuses. -Really Pissed Civil Student
Dear Pissed Civil, HAHAHAHAHAHA! What'd you guys do, leave the door open or something? How else could they get in there? Well given that the pranksters came by while we were putting this issue together and submitted an article (see inside back cover), yeah we might have a clue. By the way, they had some kind ofplaque in their hands. -Ed
~~;t~geJL 2~. 2001
..
~eft€/fl'g~ 2(;', 2001
~4ge4-
-V(9ke1gJ~e2
t;h@ mil@
BiBh elub
Br/W( (htl Me@! PtlptlrYf/2.02'tl By 1tu; £'dfCors
Written by Noam Silberstein Well, mo.st o.fus have heard o.f the elite, the luxurio.us, the club to which so. few peo.ple belo.ng, the Mile High Club. The Mile High Club is an unspo.ken to.pic, so.mething that we o.nly read abo.ut in Maxim (sho.rt fo.r 'Men Are Xtremely Intelligent & Mature'). Well, in this column I'm go.ing to. try to bring the Mile High Club to. light. As a seaso.ned traveller, I have o.n many o.ccasio.ns used the airplane bathro.o.m. It is the smallest, mo.st cramped space I have ever spent time in. I think airlines sho.uld change their marketing strategy. Instead o.fadvertising the increased leg roo.m due to. the remo.val o.f seats, they sho.uld advertise bigger bathro.o.ms. A typical advertisement fo.r an airline that I will simply refer to. as Air Kanada wo.uld go. like this .... ''Here at Air Kanada we o.ffer what no. o.ther airline can o.ffer. We o.ffer the chance to. fly in a co.mfo.rtable, ro.o.my, aircraft, and with o.ur new enlarged bathrooms we encourage activities that wo.uld no.t be physically po.ssible (unless attempted by gymnasts Dr figure skaters) in o.ther airlines." I tmnk airlines sho.uldtake a clear stand in their positio.n towards the Mile High Club. Maybe the stewardess sho.uld add it to. her' emergency pro.cedures' presentatio.n. She sho.uld hump the flo.o.r Dr seat in fro.nt o.fher and then wave her index finger in the sweeping back and fo.rth gesture that was made famous by Dikembe Muto.mbo.. Then we, the passengers, wo.uld kno.w that humping the flo.o.r Dr seat is prohibited. But, as we are nearing the middle o.fthe article let us be completely ho.nest. What sho.uld we co.nsider to. be wo.rthy o.fthe MHC? I perso.nally feel very stro.nglythat self-entertallunent sho.uld no.t be co.nsidered jo.ining the Mile High Club. First o.f all, it's to.o. easy, and seco.ndly, I do.n't want Bo.b o.verthere in seat 34E even co.nsidering the idea. I'm go.ing to have to quo.te Jim's dad in American Pie when he says, "o.h it's fun, but it's no.t a game. Yo.u want a partner do.n't yo.u?" AlSo., what abo.ut sexual activitythat does no.t culminate. What about picking fruits o.ffthe trees but no.t eating them, what abo.ut the clo.ck ticking but the alarm never going o.ff. Yo.u kno.wwhat I mean. The yo.ung co.uple near the back o.fthe plane that is co.vered in blankets and wearing sheepish lo.o.ks o.n their face. Hey, I do.n 't want to. disco.urage that behavio.ur, go.d kno.ws I've been there befo.re. No., " actually I haven't, but I have this
Once upo.n a time, in a land far, far awa- o.kay eno.ugh o.fthis fantasy ho.rseshit, this sto.ry takes place in the present, at McGill, so. let's just cut to. the chase. The main.character in the sto.ry is a very tall, lanky man who.se given name is Gumby, but will hereby be referred to. as Brant. No.w Brant is a go.o.d-intentio.ned individual who. last year was o.ne o.fthe integral members o.f the Faucet team. His witty co.lumns and o.pinio.nated writing both inspired and enthralled the faithful Faucet readers. In fact, it was in these very pages that Brant successfully mapped the human geno.me. Unfo.rtunately, fo.r reaso.ns that must remain undisclo.sed, Brant was fo.rced to. retire fro.m the Faucet last year, much to. the distress o.fthe Faucet crew. A few lo.yal readers in Electrical engineering actually held a go.o.dbye ceremo.nywhere they all go.t in a circle and rubbed each o.ther's nipples. Brant was to.uched, literally, but he co.uld no.t stay, his writing days were o.ver. or so. we tho.ught ... friend ... , no., no. I do.n't, but I kno.w this guy who., no., no., but it wo.uld sure be nice. Oh well, back to. the to.pic, sho.uld that be co.nsidered wo.rthy o.f the Mile High Club. I'm go.ing to. have to. put my fo.o.t do.wn and say that no., it sho.uld no.t be co.nsidered MHC material. I thinkjo.ining the MHC sho.uld be risky. It sho.uld require skills and talents that we do.n't all po.ssess. Hence I feel justified in saying that to. jo.in the MHC no.t o.nly must the vo.lcano. erupt, but it should be With a partner, and during the act that starts with 'p' and rhymes with 'penetratio.n' and in the shoebox that is called. an airplane bathroom. Befo.re I conclude this co.lumn I wo.uld like to. make reference to. an article I read abo.ut in the Miami Herald. "A co.uple who. chartered a small plane to. have sex in it- then tried to. steal it and fly to. Cuba instead- died after a scuffle with the pilo.t sent the plane"into deep waters Thursday in the middle o.fthe Flo.rida Straits, autho.rities said." This is entirely true, I swear it. My take o.n this sto.ry is two.fo.ld. First o.f all, this co.uple was cheating. They sho.uld no.t be allo.wed tojo.in the Mile High Club. I urge yo.u to. jo.in me in sending angry fan mail to. the MHC headquarters regarding this type o.fleisure flight. Maybe we sho.uld try to. pass a law prohibiting this type o.f behavio.ur, and just in case you were wo.ndering, many prominent congressmen are actually part o.fthe MHC. In fact, and I will no.t name the po.litician in o.rder to. protect his reputatio.n, Geo.rge Bush was o.nce seen emerging fro.m an Air Canada bathro.o.m in the co.mpany o.f a female. Seco.ndly, I wo.uld like to. thank the pilo.t, who. is o.bvio.usly a platinum member o.fthe ¥HC and was o.nly attempting to cany o.ut his duties as a 'bo.uncer' when he intentio.nally crashed the plane. So., I'll finish this co.lumn by telling yo.u that I'm planning an aiIplane trip with my girlfriend in the mo.nths to. co.me. I have a lo.t o.f co.nvincing to. do.. Till next time, lest we sho.uld meet in the MHC VIP ro.o.m befo.rehand.
NEWSFLASH: Brant is a Paper Who.re! The Faucet began the year witho.ut Brant, thinking he was at ho.me perfo.rming his no.rmal daily duties, but instead, there he was, writing his weekly co.lumn o.n health and wellness in the second issue o.fthe Daily, THE DAILY! !! FDr the lo.ve o.f all things ho.ly and sacred o.n this planet! Transferring fro.m the Faucet to. the Daily is like transferring fro.m McGill to. the University o.fSaskatchewan! It's silly, unhealthy, and ridiculo.us, it's a crime, it's immo.ral, it's a sin! When Mo.ses received the 10 co.mmandments, there was actually an eleventh, "Tho.u shalt no.t write fo.r the Daily" but it broke o.ff when Mo.ses dro.pped the tablets o.n his way do.wn the mo.untain, and since there was no. Daily back then he just fo.rgo.t abo.ut it (It's o.nly been "Stirring Shit since 1911 "). Well we haven't fo.rgo.tten abo.ut it. Brant we are disappo.inted in yo.u, bo.th as a no.rmal human capable o.:t;better things, and as an engineer. To. be perfectly ho.nest, the Daily, ifrefegedlo. as a human en~!:y, is a gl~rified Prick. .Brant, you were once a, ~ooqp~1Jop1plea!f~ co.me back fro.m the dark side. Just because their edito.rs sho.wer.mo.re o.ften and drink less filthy beer do.esn't mean that they are better then us nei¥ at the faucet!!
"What The Fuck are you lookin'at?" '~ • • 1~'l,l\. ' .f.~t\'."_1~1:-:"'·\\' \, 1L'..),11,"h.'''f, '1,1 • -' 1..j".~ \' :.h.1. f ..1\"'J,.t1.,. 1.,.,·... :., .~Jc?llJh-( Uti'j
-vcoke 18 j~e 2
FAUCET FORUM: Shane vs. Alan lVIo:n..day Ni.gh-t P e e l Shane's all about it
~~;te/)l'geJc, 2~, 2001
~4te ii
............................
,
I I I I I I
There are two words that absolutely define the quintessential Monday night for a McGiller; Pub and Peel, not necessarily in that order. With $6.00 pitchers, cheap food, hot waitresses and a fellow McGill student in every direction, you really can't go wrong. The best part is that it's Monday night. The majority ofus were raised on the idea that the week should be devoted to work and important business matters, while going out, parties, etc. were reserved for Friday and Saturday nights. My parents never go out, but if they ever do, I guarantee you it's on the weekend. When you were a kid having sleepovers, (okay, so we all still have sleepovers, now we just call them orgies) they were all on the weekend. So here you are, at university, and you can go drink your face off and have the time of your life on the very first day of the week! It's such a good way to rebel against everything without tattooing "I hate you" across your forehead. My first time ever at Peel Pub I watched as an extremely drunk girl took offher bra and panties from under her clothes and threw them into the cheering crowd. She was then passed a ketchup bottle, and she proceeded to pretend to pleasure herself with it, and then popped the lid off and chugged the ketchup bottle, I shit you not. From that moment on I knew that I had to spend as much time as I possibly could there. The incredible memories I've made since then, well, I don't really remember them so they'll have to stay offthe record. But if! had a nickel for every time I've pulled together a team and challenged some random kids to a boat race, I'd probably have enough money to buy another cheap pitcher from my favorite waitress, mmmm, see you next Monday.
Alan the anti-Peel Don't get me wrong, every time I go to peel, even if it's just to use the sticky stankATM, I manage to get myself so filthy filthy drunk that ... well I can finish that sentence in many ways. Take last Monday·for instance, (please note that I really can't give you completely accurate details as I was extremely under the influence) I went in at 8:00 to beat the line, justto have a few beers and be at home by 10 to do some reading ... . Come two 0' clock, four sink my ship game losses, several pitchers of sick beer and a few trips to the shooter girl later, I managed to pry myself away from the clutches of peel, satisfied that I just had the time of my life (or week as the case may be) but the moral ofthe story is that! missed both my 8:30 Tuesday class and all ofmy reading. Okay I may be a bit of a grandma but any person who has experienced the wrath ofpeel also knows of it's unusually severe hangovers. It could be the urine-semen combination in the beer or the air that's 83.5% cheap cigarette smoke, but every morning after a peel night or day, there is a serious hangover to be reckoned with ...... . Okay, I have to be honest, I have no legitimate or coherent reasons not to go to Peel (Academic and health reasons not-withstanding), but I'm supposed to disagree with everything that Shane says. In fact last year I failed both courses on Tuesday 8:30, I was found at peel before three Tuesday midterms. Hell, the year before that I met one of my roommates, made good friends and well we won't mention the girls I found at peel. But all in all I love Peel as a second home, from it's sleazy and seedy old men found in every comer and stool, to the fat girls that look slim through it's thick smoky air, their ornery waiters, the bastard bouncers working the door during the winter and it's puke ridden washroom; being part ofMonday night peel is like the party after winning the high-school championships; Drunk and out of control.
Philip says "Screw Peel Go to St. Sulpice." I had to weigh in on this one. Well, I don't have any far out stories about Peel like these other two but I have had some less than memorable moments at other bars. Take St. Sulpice, perhaps my favourite summertime watering hole. There are no special days like Monday nights at Peel, but they apparently don't mind when you stand on your chair in the terrace, make not-quite-sensical speeches to your Mechanics class and accuse the squirrel in the tree ofruining your exams. So you See, as Alan has illustrated, there is nothing special about Peel, unlike the St. Sulplce terrace, the Ste. Elizabeth terrace or the good brews at Brutopia. It's just stale smoke, stale beer and stale waitresses. The one redeeming factor is that it is cheap on Mondays. It's not a question of whether Mondays at Peel are good or bad, but is there anything better. I personally prefer 3.00$ pints at the Ste.
I I I I I I :·~ I
I I
·~I
·'1
I I I
I I I
' :1
: Stu den t So Iuti 0 ns I
I
I~
I
*24
II . I I I The local BeerMan. Deliveries to your door. Convienient,and inexpen~ I I I I
II :, I I I I .II I I
I' I I For quick acess to Bell sponsored escort and strip services, dial *69, at
II I I
I reasonable prices and at the highest quality, male, female, and everything
I.
I I I I I I I
I I I I I I, I
:
*69
in between services are at your fingertips.
*FU
i•
",II ,. tel'
:
. i•
I Dial it and a resounding ''FUCK YOU" is heard. Perfect for punctuating lively discussions and conversations. I I I I I I
I I I I I I I
I I .. I I I For those times when you just need some dirty talk. Dial it on it's own I or with another person on the line, and an operator will have erotically I charged conversations with all listeners. Great for long distance couples, I singles and also for it's shock value. I I I ,._' I I I
I I I I I I I I I I I I I
*13
i, I I :
I I I I I I
: I
*GB
i
For unwanted calls already in progress. Bell will transmit thick static, then disconnect. Allowing you an easy escape from parents, ex-s, and church groups.
:
Cut t:.Ic1.A.
auL a.H.d
: J2.a. A te1:t. to-t.J..e. Uc..I . ' A LJ..e air •• ,.....,. p..IurH.e.. I I · ~~-
I I
I I I I I I
: I : I I
I
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
-yo(9ke. 18 .4~e. 2
<:f>.a.ge. ~
~eft~geJr, 2~, 2001
Why The Faucet Sucks
Of Geeks, Teuh Fair and Resumes By Kis Corpasse
So picture this: you've devoted 4 hard years ofyour career in Engineering to doing every assignment (no collaboration), studying hard for every test and exam, and the good news is: you smoke all your courses. Bad news: you don.' t do anything else. Result: you've got a stellar GPA. Problem is: you're a geek. Why? Because you never realized not to let academics get in the way ofyour education, and you never bothered exploring outside your courses. So here you are, in your last year, with nothing under "Extra-Curricular Activities," but according to all those silly "Career" Magazines, they keep talking about those "transferable skills." So, like most people who aren't involved, you bullshit - or better, you decide to volunteer in the Technology Career Fair to suck up to the company reps, largely because you possess no social skills whatsoever to make a striking impression at the company booth. This pisses the FUCK out of me, and most other people who get involved, because it really belittles the hard work that other students do. So you sit all pretty in front ofthe interviewer with your 3.8, while other people who play sports, organize clubs, or take up any other community activity (in or outside of McGill) and see their GPA drop, are at a direct disadvantage, since you bullshit so much that it seems that extra-curricularly, you're the same. Here are a few examples of what I mean: â&#x20AC;˘
I am a member ofthe Students' Society ofMcGill University * (real
resume)
Everyone is, ya moron.
Here's t.he thing: Engineers are not widely known for their writing prowess. True, they can crunch numbers and were probably very capable lego builders as children, but considering that the Plumbers Faucet is written and edited by engineering STUDENTS, we have even less of a literary pedigree on our hands. Consider these two observations of just the front page. First, I know of no "Plumbing" major within the engineering faculty... don't people become apprentices for that profession? Second, where is the punctuation? "Plumbers" should have an apostrophe somewhere in there. Obviously, these two minor issues with the title page are just that: petty grievances. Using "plumber" is just an ill-conceived attempt at a play on words, and the absence of correct punctuation can be traced back to my original point- engineers are not writers. Now, does this mean that any publication coming out ofthe Faculty of Engineering should contain only math oriented humor or comic strips about "Lefty: the Counter-Clockwise Torque boy"? NO. Heck, my father is an engineer and I don't scoff at his birthday card inscriptions or anniversary love poems for my mother. However, he doesn't parade them around in circulation at a well-known Canadian University either. Let us take a brief look at some of the content in the most recent issue of the Faucet. The first major headline is "Suckers!", a chicken-scratched piece detailing Alan Powell's inebriated Frosh Week blunders. HOW INSIGHTFUL! Deeper into the paper we find a two page spread giving us a peak into the obviously boring and pointless life of Calgarian Shane Jacobs. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR REDNECK, BARBARIAN FUN! Still more crass is contributor Noam Silberstein's brackishly trite article unsuccessfully attempting to take a stab at the reality TV that he obviously obsesses over so much himself. TURN OFF THE BOOB TUBE AND READ A BOOK! Finally the issue closes out with a spattering of mock-personals, regurgitated jokes, and the occasional Concordia slam. ISN'T THE DAILY BAD ENOUGH!
Volunteered and organized engineering community activity Poured beer at Blues Pub last Friday
Now, I am a fan ofabsurdist humor. Hell, we all are! But this publication has taken the art of Beckett, Vonnegut, and South Park to a new low. Perhaps the editors of the Faucet should study up on their writing and comedy. At the very least they could just start stealing articles from the Onion or even rerun episodes of the Drew Carey show. It seems even likely that the better-used-as-a-blanket-for-abum newspaper, the Plumbers Faucet, is thrown together at the last minute in a flurry of late emails and mental ejaculation. Can you imagine!!!
Enhanced communication skills with clients, Tried to flirt with l:ute student when they asked for a beer
Sincerely ' Latent Engineer Stuck in Education
â&#x20AC;˘
Volunteered and organized engineering community activity. Enhanced communication skills with clients, as well as worked closely with other colleagues to provide exceptional service.
Translation:
as well as worked closely with other colleagues to provide exceptional service. My other buddy behind the counter passed me the hot dog, I put the ketchup and mustard on.
Now don't get me wrong: there are people who volunteer to help out with the Tech Fair because they genuinely want to help out: to those people, sincere thanks, because it really couldn't have been done without you. And while rare, there are students who manage to do well academically, and get involved in countless ways. My friend Marty, who graduated last year, was on a ton of committees in Engineering, was VP Internal for the EUS, partied hard when it was time to, and pulled off an amazing GPA. I'm not allowed to tell you what his GPA was because he might get mad at me, but I think it has the digits 3, 8, and 9, although I won't tell you in what order that is. Oh yeah, and he had (and still has) a real sweetie of a girlfriend, too. How he did that still a mystery tome ... So please, don't volunteer at the Career Fair- or anything else for that matter - just so you can write it down on your resume. And don't exaggerate your activities either - mowing your neighbor's lawn is just that, it is not enhancing a residence's exterior, nor is it providing aesthetic services to the community at large, and it certainly is not indication of creativity, initiative, or strong communication skills.
an
"I'm Serious I'll Really Fuck You Up!"
~4~e 7
-V&ke 18 $44.v..e 2.
No Sex and the City, We Hear you Girl. The life and Times of a Male Engineer at McGill
~e-p;.te/)l>.geJL 2.G, 2.001
The N'umbers: Sex in the City Edition
By Fill Bin For those of you who would like to get the most out of this article please read the well written article by Jade Jones, entitled "No Sex and the City: The life and times of single girls at McGill" McGill Tribune, September 5, 2001. If you can't find a paper copy, check it out online at www.tribune.mcgill.ca.
"The boy to girl ratio at McGill is brutal. Some might claim that it hovers around the 60:40 (boy:girl) mark however, any . girl at McGill will tell you that that statistic is a flagrant lie." It's not really a lie, Jade, it's just that overall, the ratio is 60:40,just girl:boy, not boy:girl. The only faculty bucking the trend is engineerirtg. Yes with a ratio of close to 80:20 boy: girl ratio, the Faculty of Engineering has more testosterone per capita than any other location on campus, with the possible exception of a Redmen locker room (but even then we wonder.) ~
So let's compare shall we? While apparently there are "30 fine ladies" for every 10 men on a campus, if you conversely take 30 handsome male engineers, there are only 7.5 fine women engineers. So, about three ofthose have boyfriends, (frosh, summer, senior manager at Bombardier, TAin Dynamics of Mechanisms, medical student, where they got them, really does not matter, they're all taken.) Let's assume one is a lesbian, I really haven't asked around because it just makes onerealize that your prospects are that much less. One point, on which I agree with you Jade, is that in selecting future relationships, people can be superficial. So I'd say that the average male engineer would only discount one ofthe following 3.5 as un-datable for superficial reasons, (perhaps she's your sister or just plain looks like you after you haven't shaved in a week.) Really though, it takes quite a bit because being in an 80:20 faculty for three years makes you realize that you quickly run out ofpossibilities. This leaves the male engineers to choose between 2.5 women in engineering. Now really, half a woman really isn't much of a woman so let's just discount her and say that there are two left. Two realistic choices per 30 straight male engineers, Excuse me, I have to go and feel sorry for myself. So these two women represent two basic types, (while apparently the two men to Jade's 30 women are both 'playas '). Type 1: The Librarian This doesn't refer to the oft referred fantasy ofthe mousy librarian, but those that don't do anything but study. Many have heard the tale ofthe engineer and the talking frog that will turn into a magical princess/prince upon receipt of a kiss but of course, the engineer chooses the talking frog because it is way cooler than a time consuming relationship (see type 2.) Well these girls will probab,y choose the frog as their marks are more important than eating and end up being your boss since they all have 4.01 GPAs '" II '"
!.,
Type2: TheJaguar/Lada Well, the title implies high-cost maintenance. That's right these girls are iooking for a large time and often financial investment and given the average workload of an engineering student (I believe the average course load is 17 credits! semester) it really is just too much. While there are obvious "perks" to a relationship ... companionship, friendship (what? we're not all thoughtless bastards) again, back to the frog, we've only got so many hours in the day and we've got to be able to feed ourselves after we graduate. So, while these girls are dateable and many do, since they really are the only real options for male engineers at McGill, many male engineers opt for other alternatives, well I shouldn't say opt, we really have no choice.
1) A serious drop in standards. There is no need to explain this one. "That girl in signals, her clean white shoes, quiet , nature, frizzy hair, whew, she's ahottie." 2) Mack on any girl you can find. Many try and many fail, because too many women see through this one. 3) "Embitterment. Scowling, screaming or spitting at happy couples." Jade, I like this one, but then my awwwreflex kicks in, well, I'm an optimist and many ofthe Faucet staff are perverts so they always think: ofthe possibilities with a happy couple and a web cam. 4) Visions ofbachelor-dom. Think about this, after an engineer graduates with an average salary around 50k$ and 110k$ ten years out, many are millionaires by the time they are 35 or 40. Combine that with the fact that men get 'better looking' with age ... , don't lose heart guys, especially due to a heart attack, you'll need itto give itto some lucky lady when you've actually got a chance 10 years down the road. 5) "Going far outside the usual dating-pool." BINGO! Here you go Jade, if you know any girls who can't find any sex in the city, I know that half ofthe Faucet staff is single and with that engineerirtg ratio, there's got to be someone better than that D&D Gatekeeper in your Poli Sci class just across on the eastern side of campus. Conversely, engineerirtg, branch out, walk outside those doors, get away from your computers and realize that somewhere down the line, the light from the fluorescent bulbs comes from the sun. HO'Yever, I've heard that in a sample ofrandom engineering students who ventured to the ' Arts' side of campus, the incident of neck injuries and eye fatigue was elevated. In conclusion everyone should be a hell of a lot more open to other possibilities. Go forth and seek out that perfect beau at other locationsâ&#x20AC;˘. Jade was right, there is more than what you see immediately before you. Hell, why do you think I worked at RVC in the summer, actually, I think I kind of screwed that one up (RVC is Co-Ed in the summer). Regardless, in the cold dark winters of Montreal, Arts Tavern might be a happening place to visit, perhaps Jade will even be there, or perhaps there will be more artsies that will visit us engineers at Blues Pub or PubNite.
60:40 Ratio ofgirls to guys at McGill University according to the Princeton Review 77:23 Actual ratio ofguys to girls in the Faculty ofEngineering
3:44 Ratio ofMcgill 's ranking in terms of Canadian universities with the highest percentage of female engineers to that ofthe lowest. 0:4 Ratio of 'hot' Sex and the CityTV stars to Faucet Staff 69:1 Ratio ofthe Faucet Staff's 'hot' score to the rest of the McGill Campus 2:2 Ratio ofthe number of people polled to determine the previous statistic to the number ofFaucet staff members compiling these numbers. 40:3 Odds that one of the Faucet Staff is going to hook up with Jade Jones, (if that is her real name.) ÂŤ"
2:1 Odds that the Faucet is willing to offer on Jade Jones being her real name.
8:3 Number of'Sex and the City' ratios to non-'Sex and the City' ratios.
9:3 Number of beers to staffers in this Issue. 200:4 Ratio ofresumes recieved by company reps at Tech Fair to number of resumes taken back to their company.
-V(9ke 18 A~e 2
My' Sum'mer Adven,tu¡Ie By Yan Bechamp
-.
Well, here we are at school again. For some of you, this is your first year and the start ofanew life. (What, engineering students have a life?) For the rest of us, it's time to reunite with friends and swap stories. Summer stories; where you travelled, what you did and who you say you did. This is my big summer adventure.
It all started on the weekend of June 23. Being a true Quebecer, 1 decided to get hammered in order to celebrate "la St-Jean." 1went to visit my cousin Leo in Quebec City and we headed for the old city as soon as 1 got there. There were many people everywhere in the streets, too many to our liking so we decided to enter one of the bars. So, without hesitation, we went to "Le Dagobert." We grabbed a table and ordered some drinks. After an hour or so, Leo notices two nice looking ladies sitting at a table. One thing you have to understand about cousin Leo is that after a few drinks he becomes very amorous Gust like a sailor after a six month period at sea). He decides to waltz to their table. Naturally, 1Ydfl&W:
...
The two charming ladies were named Nicole and Jenny, both education students at the local university. We talked for a while when all of sudden Leo asks Jenny to dance. She gladly accepted. Now, you can see the position that 1 am in. 1 have no choice but to ask Nicole to dance. But 1 dance like a rock! Shit! So, 1 calmly fold my ego and use it as a coaster and ask Nicole to dance. She, categorically says "NO!" 1 ask why. She, simply rolls her chair back. Yes, rolls her WHEELCHAIR. Nicole is an amputee and has no legs (due to a car accident) and therefore cannot dance. After taking my coaster and using it to wedge the table, 1 apologized about a thousand times. She laughed it off. We kept talking, and talking and talking. It was getting late and about time to head for Subway. Wait, where was Leo? And where was Jenny? Turns out Jenny and the Berri-UQAM metro have a lot in common, everybody's been for a ride (hey, Leo is no better!). So, Leo and Jenny are back at his bachelor apartment (no way 1 can go back), 1 am drunk and stuck with Nicole. 1 politely offer to accompany her back to her place. She accepts. As 1 rolled her down the Grande-Av-
~eftâ&#x201A;Ź/ll'geJc, 2(9, 2001
~4~e8
enue, she asks if we could head for the park (plein d' Abraham). So we go. Once in the park we stop and sit on a bench to admire the lights and the gulf. 1 could feel the cool breeze brushing against my skinjust as Nicole's mouth was b~hing against my love-handle. "Wait, what are you doing?" 1 said. She replied, "What, you don't want me too?" So 1retorted "I didn't say that. What 1 am saying is that people may pass by here!" Nicole suggested we head to the nearest set of bushes. 1 quickly executed her orders. At the bushes, Nicole wanted more than just to sing into the mic. She ordered me to lie down, and so, without arguing, 1 did. What came next cannot and should not be described. Let's just say it involved Nicole swinging up and down.on a branch (you should see her arms!) and me screaming for more. So, once everything was said and done, 1 took Nicole home. Now, 1 have a new problem. 1still can't go back to Leo's (he is not your average minute man like Shane). Nicole asks if! want to sleep over. But 1 can't sleep over. But then again, we did do the mamba in the bushes (and 1 don't believe in one-night stands).
1am awoken the next morning by some loud screaming. Great, Nicole's dad is raising some hell. 1 clumsily (but quickly) get dressed. 1want to avoid this, so I open the window. Two stories isn't that high. Nicole wheels in and asks what am 1 doing. 1 tell her that 1will not face her father (yes, 1 am a coward) and that 1am about to jump out ofher life. She explains that he has prepared breakfast for me and is looking forward to meeting me. Turns out the screaming was for Nicole's younger sister who came in stoned that mom-
mg.
McGill Daily - Walksafe Centre of Prostitution Ring In an anonymous phone call to the editing staffat the Faucet last night just before the print deadline, a source revealed the groundbreaking news that the McGill Daily stafIhas been running an illicit prostitution ring for the Hells Angels. This is the Faucet's first peice of real news in 35 years, and we were hellbent on proving these ''unfucking believable" alligations. After talking to McGill security and doing indepth bacground checks, the faucet was able to determine that the Daily's battle with the SSMU last year over their accomodations was in fact a turfwar, as the outgoing SSMU exec wasn't recieving their cut. They attempted to start a rival escort service but lacked the backing and infastructure that the Daily had in place with several rouge rent-a-cops (McGill security officers) and the Walksafe distribution-collection system. The McGill daily got involved with prostitution after an outstanding balance between the daily exec and the hells angels involvong a cocaine binge during the weeks after a successful stint with AA. The Daily then co-erced the folks at Walksafe with promises of being cool. Once ~e SSMU got wind of this, instaed of calling police they decided to turn their heads for 2/3 's ofthe daily's cut. This relationship soon turned som in a spate of ugly hookers sent to the SSMU exec. As it turns out the SSMU exec thought it could operate a brothel in the old Daily offices, ensuring better looking hookers and more money. But alas, the Hells angels stepped in and the Daily once again remains in control ofthe lucrative McGill prostitution market. As it looks now, the SSMU is poised to break into the heavy drugs market by introducing crack and cocaine at all four floors events. And with the backing of the Rock Machine hopes to use the new Gerts as an afterhours coke and strip club. Where's the police in all this you ask, well as this story went to pr,e~s; a deal was brokered out to allow the Daily to keep functionipg as a paper and allow all members oftheir staffto return to classes in return for info on SSMU i11ega16petcltibns! Wa1ksafe was left 'alone for the fears ofRevet).ge ofthe Nerd style reprisals for any possible arrests. Please Note: All FaucetEditors were on hallucinogens during the wri$lgrofthiS' article (so some or all allegations may be false)
"
All
raJ. n&J to ~ Ybvl' ~.
Breakfast was good. Nicole's dad was great, real nice guy. He really took a liking to me. Kept saying that 1was a great and good guy myself. He actually repeated it several times until 1 asked hini why he thought 1 was such an exceptional guy. His response? 1 was the only guy to ever take his little girl offthe.branch!!!
Next station, St-Laurent.
---
-V(g~e 18 .4~e 2 .-
.
The Wonderful Game of Chess
By Noam Silberstein How was the game of chess, frugilegus) about the size and color a game of intellectual stimulation, ofthe related American crow buthavplayed by the noble, by the royal, first ing a bare patch of skin at the base of conceived? This is how I picture it. In the bill." Also, why is there a fetish medieval England a five-year-old lad shopping website called the Rook? and his younger brother gathered their And why have I spent $75 there. But toys: They were going to gooblycock that's another story altogether. (british slang for 'playa game'). The And my very big problem with younger ofthe two, a three year old by the name of Edwarde Smithe chess is the fact that it is a racist game. Pickiejuice VI was intent on winning Why do the ~quares have to be segrethis game. As was the spirit ofthe time, gated, white and black alternating the boys played games of war. Their squares, not mixing? I would one day small wooden horse figurines charged like to see a chessboard that is made head on, as the small metal soldiers, up of all gray squares. And then I spiffY as they are (I'm not actually sure would like to see the two morons trywhat spiffy means, but it sounds like ing to play on that board. vocabulary ofthe time), fought arduThis article at some point must ously. Henry, the older boy, was in the mention the importance ofthe Internet process of whupping down on his younger brother, excuse me, beating his in the development of the game of trousers, when out of nowhere Chess. A Canadian and a Tibetan can Edwarde Smithe Picklejuice VI enjoy a game of competitive chess, whipped out a small rook and smacked even holding a conversation as they it atop Henry's horses head. "hahaha, play, as is shown in the following extake that you filthy bludgeon." Henry ample. The Canadian moves his horse was aghast, "rooks can't move, let putting the Tibetans king in check. "noooooo! Not my dpon (Tialone kill my horse". betan for King)" And that was when the game "This bloody chandaraki of chess was born. Stupid, senseless, (chess game), all I have left are one a kid's fantasy game you may think. Weli you're right. I have played chess rngemong (bishop) and one shingrta f6'r fifteen' Yearsa'Ow, and I never once (rook), thanks to you I will now spend stopped to think about the actual 10- 7 years in solitude (reference to the gTstits brine-game. ~ince when'can a 'm0vie 7 years-in the:ribet}. By the horse jump over bishops, and why way, why do you North Americans call it a rook?" does the queen fly when the king can only move one square. Male domiSo, as you can see, chess nated society, I think not. Even in the medieval times the woman's liberation -could very well be the predecessor for movement was in full swing. I think nuclear war,just imagine George Bush the chess queen should be considered playing Tony Blair. "Hold on Tony, are you sure as important as Gloria Steinman, Florence Nightingale, Macaulay Caulkin, my king can't ride on top ofthe tower, Joan ofArc, Oprah Winfrey, and Ri- kind oflike when the MightY Morphin chard Simmons in the fight for women's Power Rangers all form that big monster creature." (I figured throwing in rights. the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Another problem I have with was fimny, no matter what the context.) chess is the fact that it caters only to Ok, so now for my parting thoughts catholic practitioners. Why does the on chess. I love ,the game. Until next king have to have a cross on his head? time, lest Bush beats Blair in which case Also, who the hell wears a cross on I'll see you guys at Times Square for their head? I would one day like to the fireworks and after-party. see a chess game in which the pieces are all wearing yamakas, and the king has a large star of David necklace, and maybe the queen is lighting the Shabbat candles as the little pawns play dreidel, but I'm getting carried away here. Al so, what is a rook? According to the dictionary, it is "a common Old World 'gregarious bird (Corvus
~e.fj;~gelt. 2~. 2001
~~te!;)
Till MACltAt WODlD 0' M.t ellt IMAll It seems once again McGill has decided to play fun little games with everyone's email addresses. Wheeeee, it's like a little roller-coaster! Many ofyou have been notified and tried to notify all your friends that your email address is now firstname.lastname@mail.mcgill.ca Here is my story as to why and how this all went down.
As a frightened froshy the first email address I was assigned was: sjacob5@po-box.mcgill.ca _ Now ifthis isn't the stupidest email address in the history of the world, I don't know what is. First of all, having a 5 after jacob makes it look a lot like Sjacobs (which would make a lot more sense) so that caused a lot of confusion (oh my poor grandma, using email for the very first time ... it must have taken her 7 tries to finally get me a message.) Second, when you've had a few drinks at the bar and you're standing next to a speaker, it's way too long and confusing (no, no, P, 0, dash, BOX. .. what?) so this really was just a gong show of an emaiLaddress. Last year McGill realized their problem and decided to do something about this monstrosity. I was soon told my new address was to be shane.jacobs@mcgill.ca !! Oh the ease and simplicity! All people needed to know was my name and that I was at McGill, and there you had it! There was much celebration and dancing in the streets. All our problems were solved! Until... Pseudo Shane Jacobs registered at McGill. Ah yes, what to do if another Shane Jacobs arrived at McGill?! The whole system would be in shambles! And since alumni, staff, and studentS all were being assigned the same basic style, firstname.lastname@mcgill.9!, the chances oftwo John Smiths was pretty high, or actually, since we're here,in Quebec, the chances oftwo Louis-Jacques Gagnon~Soleil 's was pretty higll. So, finally, McGill solved the problem and gave me the address, Shane.jacobs@mail.mcgill.ca which should work forever and ever amen. Now I know what you're thinking, ''but Shane, how did adding "mail" eliminate the problem oftwo Shane Jacobs?" Well, in the words ofmany of my profs, "I'll leave this one to you as an exerCise:.." (wnichJs j~fasrii3rt way of saying I don 't know). But the point is, it somehow fixed it and now we can all sleep a little easier tonight.
So until next time, keep your hands and arms inside the car, hang on to your hats and glasses, and remember Shane.jacobs@mail.mcgill.ca
Top 10 signs you've had a good frosh week: ByBV Arciero 10. You've learned more biology in your first week ofupperrez than you will the rest ofthe year. 9. While you were drunk, you thought it would be really funny one night to register for all the arts courses on MARS just to piss off your advisor, but you accidentally changed your password (which you can 't remember) and are now stuck in Greek Mythology for the rest ofthe semester.
8. You've got 5 different girl names tattooed in different places over your body. You don't know who Tiffany is but you really want to know why she made you put it on that area. 7. You and a few buddies got creative and decided to reinvent the 3 bares statue and make it the 7 bares instead. 6. Random women come up to you and congratulate you on your endurance and technique-And I'm not talking about the boat race!
5. The SSMU is seriously considering renaming Gert's and replacing it with your name. 4. You've been in rez a week but still haven't managed to spend one night in your own bed. 3. You're nickname is Labatt 40-not because it's your favorite beer, but because it's how many you've been drinking everyday this last week. 2. Despite your parents giving you a weekly food allowance you've been living off of hot dogs and burgers at OAP. 1. You've met 350 people but still manage to call everyone "buddy"
c:
-V(g~e.18 .4M,.t..e. 2
~-4ge.10
JJ-BG:TS
Co--Z2::2~~~~a~
Engineering Traditions By Stephen Janidlo The faculty of engineering at McGill University is saturated with traditions. McGill is known around the world for the quality of engineers it produces. However, more important than this academic and professional experience is the fact that the students themselves have carried the torch ofEUS tradition for countless years. Unfortunately, this past 0week was the beginning ofthe end for many ofthese traditions. it is without fear of retribution that I
write this article for the faucet. As a veteran ofthe Engineering trenches, I think it is my duty to at least inform my younger classmates ofthe rich heritage that preceded them. Knowledge is power, and I am hoping that the Frosh and EUS executive ofthe 2001 year will use the information presented below to keep the traditions alive for years to come. The Engineering Movie Should Never be One Hour Long. As a McGill engineer, I can appreciate a good ass shaking with the best ofthem. Although I thinkJappy's Angels did have theatrical merit (as far as engineering standards go),
~eft~geJt 2(9,2001
twenty minutes is more than enough time to saturate my attention span. Not to mention the fact that it cut seriously into lower field beer-drinking time. Lower Field Games Should Never Run Out of Beer. 400 engineers. 8 cases of beer. Even an arts frosh could figure out what the problem is with these numbers. If our forefathers had witnessed such a tragedy on the first day of activities, they might have signed up for.the SSMU frosh instead. The Pub Crawl Should Never be Separated into Smaller Groups. Although I find it difficult to blame the organizers for this mistake, ifthe shoe fits ... 400 engineers can walk down the middle ofMcGill College and StCatherine streets without fear ofbeing run over, but if apee1 pub bouncer says you can't come in the whole march gets split up. I may not be the strongest guy in the world, but 400 Richard Simmons could beat the shit out of a peel bouncer. I have faith in the fact that the froshies, with help from their fearless leaders, could have taken him.
Boat Race Challengers AIways Pay I know that boat races are new to most ofthe frosh. They're probably new to a lot ofthe older people who do the pub crawl. Although there is a basic protocol that all boat races follow, there is only one unbreakable rule. The challenging teamALWAYS BUYS the beer! Flegardless of whether the team is all frosh or all oldies, ifyouchallenge another team, you buy the beer. It is important to note that "always buys" can imply the use of an anonymous donor. Anonymous donor in this case is defined as Jeremy 0 'hara.
Definitely enough Beerverages to get most engineers to their respective happy places. This year, however, it has become obvious to me that the EUS invested in Nortel stock over the summer months. Therefore, in order to make up the vast amounts of cash lost, they have felt the need to reduce the numbe( of free drinks even further. My grandmother can't even get drunk on 5 beers. Unless I start taking her medication before pubnite, there is no way in hell I'm going to get drunk either.
Pubnites should not be about making money. They should be about thanking the EUS volunteers and student body for being the best dam group of people this side ofthe Molson Pubnite Pioneers Should brewery. It doesn't matter if the Never Pay for Drinks . event ever gets out ofthe red as long Pubnite is the lone monthly salvation as the parties keep getting bigger and better. for many engineers. And it is only through the gratuitous use ofvolunAll in all, O-week appears to have teers that events like it ever take gone over very well. I myselfhad an place. These volunteers are the incredible week, and I am almost silent soldiers that bring us fllIll and teary eyed at the fact that it is my beer. And as a gift for their undying last. Although no week will ever be devotion to the thankless job, they perfect, I would like to thank(and I become pubnite pioneers. As a know many others would as well) the pubnitepioneer, one WAS entitled entire organizing committee for to free (and therefore GOOD) keeping engineering fTosh the best drinks for every pubnite thereafter. frosh at McGill. Last year this number was reduced to a timid (yet reasonable) 8 drinks.
Shane Jacobs A self styled count seeks the company of a lovely wealthy countess. To tell you the truth I've been single for a few weeks no\\' and I'll take any woman that'll float my way. Please god will someone tloat my way. (I really need to get my hands on someone before I get fat and bald, so please hurry!)
AUCET
C()NNECTI()N
Monica Lewinsky . Philip Carpenter To: That:freak who actually called me after-r~g!llypersO.tlallast week.
Brant Carson Jneed a woman, any woman. She dosn 't even have to be a fully human. I'm a satistactory looking 0'2 EngIneering student, whose mother has . recently suggested dating real girls (apparently my blow up 'fiiend' isn't healthy for me anymore). Pleae respond ASAP to
blowing sex over and over again every time we meet, but the emotional . connection isn't there. Although I'm often too worn out by Alan to even look for someone else, I'm hoping my soulmate will respond to my cries of emotional emptiness.
After my romance with.the president, I find it hard to meet anyone Special, so when someone actually arolUld.â&#x20AC;˘.
Looking for that special someone, man, woman, or primate. I am a undesirable looking social retard. Some call me a cretin, but hey we can't all be Alan Powell's. I can befound crying into my soup up at Wong Caf. People, primates, come and get some lovin' 1
Matt Harker This ad is for a single good looking and good natured female who. shares my interests. Those intrests include selfgratification, nude protest, and long walks on the beach. I love Elvis, Englebert Humperdink and allclassicphono' ~pPs.ll()O:l(¡forvv~df.Qh~.
...-.
Alex Ouimet Ston'S
gimmie a ring.
Ugly There's no other way to describe I'm a disfigured preverted filthbag, 1 also have a low self esteem. Ifthis is whatyou look for in less then a man feel
~e-p;t~geJr, 2.~. 2.001
~-Ai>e 11
-Vroke 18' .444t<.e 2.
Z2
6 "'O---:s-
VU) 12ahe§ ~liOOS
Extra! Extra!
By Fill Bin
Engin~ering
Rules, Science Sucks!!!
(For those who don't know this article is about That 70's Variety Show!)
In traditional lab coats and comedic style, the Plumber's Philharmonic Orchestra (PPO) has raised 2555.55$ for McGill's campaign for the Centraide ofGreatet Montreal in its annual Looney Line fund raiser
Have a talent? yes ... no, rolling your tongue in seven different fonTIS, o dig deep into your pockets and find is not a talent. .. but - well, okay maybe that talentto support this year's That it does count- but only on Wednes- 70's Variety Show! Sign-up sheets days. However, there are thousands of are all around the EUS and those who other talents out there which can be part just want a good night just have to of one of this year's best engineering . come and watch the talent that's alevents in history, That 70's Variety ready lined up for That 70's Variety Show! Show! while also supporting our good Brought to you by the ones cause. Unlike most places, we also that gave you the E-Week on an Is- accept those hundred dollar bills land TalentINo-Talent show (with par- you've been trying to get rid of (reticipants from it as well), the Variety member, it is for a good cause). And Show strips away the no-talent and for those who like a little teensy weensy brings you 150% hardcore talent like competition, they can come watch Enno other show ever (except maybe that gineering beat science like they do evTalentINo-Talent show they had dur- eryyear. ing E-Week, ifyou remember it). Any questions can be directed With akickass theme (That 70's to varietyshow@mcgilleus.ca. For Variety Show!) and organizing group those of you wondering the date of including me and him and her and those That 70's Variety Show!, it's Nothree other people, oh and those darn vember 8th at Gert's. If you don't reSeience people, That 70~s Variety member the theme of That 70's VariShow! brings back those memories we ety Show!, it's That 70's Variety an have from those wonderful times. Show! Any teenager or early twenties indi- That 70's Variety Show! That 70's vidual won't wanna miss this event that Variety Show! That 70's Variety will remind us all what it was like to Show! That 70's Variety Show! That live back then with Disco, the BeeGees 70's Variety Show! That 70's Vari.and those other things that people did ety Show! That 70's Variety Shol!! while listening to music and stuff. That 70's Variety Show! That 70's So, what is the most important Variety Show! That 70's Variety part about That 70's Variety Show! Show! That 70's Variety Show! That even above everyone having a great 70's Variety Show! That 70's Varitime? All profits go to charity! (And etyShow! no we don't work for the Children's Wish Foundation). Which charity, you p.s. our theme is: That 70's Variety ask? The Children's Wish Foundation. Show!, oh and don't you forget it!
Th~ fauc~t
Started offby Principal Shapiro and Dean Gruzleski at 8:00 am September 7, 2001, the line ofloonies stretched from the Roddick Gates all the way to James McGill's staff. When the day was done, 2555.55$ was raised. The Plumber's Philharmonic Orchestra is a spirit and charity group associated with the Engineering Undergraduate Society and the Looney Line fund raiser traces its roots back fifty years to 1941.
. 'Mile ofPennies " which stretched from the Roddick Gates to the steps ofthe Arts Building and collected 82,000 pennies. Of course, the penny is not quite worth what it once was and over the years the event has evolved into the PPO Looney Line. The PPO would like to thank all those who gave generously, the McGill University community for their support and all the volunteers who helped collect funds during the day.
In 1941, McGill Engineers staged a
Faucet Note: The perpertratorsofthe now semi-infamous (in Engineering society circles) upseting of and pranks on the Civil society have asked that as the Plumber's Faucet print the following article and note that if our readers have any questions they can contact us by email or pethaps see Shannon, the Civil President.
l{d:)SOf "old~p[" mfqS!lll;)-jUOUU'BqS UI001lllOA )[00{ pIm .. 'qe:)A l{O j~A :):)S 'uo~m:)dwo:J ~U!pnnq :)~P!lq I~nUU'B !{IO 1 :)l{l U! !{IV :):J~Id ~uuo~ UI,I :WOOl ~:)l{l UlOlJ ~U!ql -:)wos l:)~ o~ ~o~ I lnq 'SI~AP AU!S :)S:)l{llnoq~ uo lIm1 o~ Plllo:J I 'U:)M jUMOp :)p~sdn l:))[S~q:)lS~M ~:)l{l dm 10 .. '~:)m I~UOq~:)l:J:)l ~ q1jnoll{l AlHP~J dump ~US~M ~ lnd PIllOM1:):)U!~U:) HA~:J ~ A{UO 'IMoq l:)Hol :)l{l uo lU:)ds l:)ll:)q :)q pynOM :)W~l S~l{l pIm ':)wq lllOA ~U!lS~M :)1, nOA l~ql :)Z~I~:)l PIllOM nox. j1:))[:JnS 'PW nOA J~ 'lPM 'lOU A{q~q01d dl' . ':)A~a 10 ~~A 'IflA\ '~u!pnpx:)) lU:)PlllS l~~0 Bl:)W l:)A:) nOA :)A~ 'oS 'UA\OP ;}p~sdn 10 dn :)P~S lq1j~ :):J~ld Sl~ U! ~U!l£lAIm d;}:))[ l, Im:J A:)llL l IPq ;}l{ll~l£M. j ji1I'3NNYH m3RL CINV 'sp~ ~:)l{llsoI :)A~q AIU!~:):J sI~A~0 :)S:)llL 'SlU:)pmSSfla 1:)l{l0 "p:)soddns" :)WOS Aq "p~ p:)soddns" S~ ~U!W:)0UO:J UOq~UIlO~ 10 :):JU:)p~A:) Alrn :)ABq U:)A:) l, UPW A:)l{l 'l~l{l AIUO lON '(~~U:)A:) lImS~:)Id :)uo qnd s:)nIH pIm NO UIOlJ) Sl:)A~Id:)W l:):)q :)SOl{l UO l~ :)mBlq Ol ~U!All pIm l~ lnoq~ ~U!l -l:)~lOJ 'm:)l{lJO :)Al:)u:)l{l 'u:)l{l p~ UMOp :)p~sdn :)~unol ~:)l{l ~~ AIss:)P[:J:)! 'sp~ ~:)l{l P:):J~Ids~ :)A~q Ol P:)Ul:):)S A:)l{l 'suoq:J:)IIO:J:)llU:):J:)llSOW AWJO :)uo ~ ':)ldurnx:) 10d jdn II:)l{ :)l{llnqs :SA~S ls~dru:)l{l AW .. 'I~:Juno:J l~ l~ lnoq~ ~~M. U:)1{l p~ SA~p :)S;}l{l S~U!l{l ~~:J~Ids~ SlU:)pmSI~!:J :)sol{ll{l~ l~ S~ l~l{A\
---
I~U·lpeqOSla II"I~
Wants You ... ~
If you can r~~d and rit~, th~n w~ would lik you to right 4us (W~'ll do th~ r~~ding). W~
also lik comics, photograf~rs, and good~r sp~llurs than us. writ~ us at: faue~t@mcgill~us.ca submit stuff to: th~plumb~rsfauc~t@mcgill~us.ca
r
••••
om:
.....
Side effects include: . -Wood alcohol poisoning -Death -Ugliness and the ugliness of everyone around you -Being a geek