EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen, Let that now staid and clichéd opening welcome you to issue 67 of popular STAND fanzine, and may I begin by thanking you all once again for handing over £1, or coughing up for a subscription, in order to read these words. As Government cuts, raising energy prices and the continued after effects of a recession still bite in these parts profits from this issue, and the two previous editions of popular STAND, will be donated to Doncaster Food Banks to help support those in the town who find themselves struggling to make ends meet at Christmas. So again, thank you for your money and your support, it is much appreciated. At the start of this month I found myself in a very unexpected position to be as a fan. Sheltering from the rain in Oakwell’s Benny Hill Media Suite (not a gag, that’s what it’s called) a man in a big coat bundled, in through the door behind me. He nudged through the matchday press
plonked himself down at the front table and began to talk. And as he did so I realised I was standing next to the manager of the club I support, watching the chairman of the club I support resign. It is not a position I ever envisaged being in. I have already given my thoughts on John Ryan’s decision to step down as Chairman on the fanzine website so I won’t go over already covered ground, and as we have hinted on the front cover of this issue, there is every chance that Ryan’s time as ‘just a supporter’ could be a short-lived one. The proposed takeover continues to twist and turn each and every week, but with each new announcement, each new statement to the press, each parting shot and every bit of soiled boardroom laundry aired from atop the Frenchgate Centre car-park for all to see, one thing always appears to be missing. The answer to the question; ‘why?’ There are theories, there are guesses, and some of these are wholly
CONTENTS: ISSUE 67 05. The Bernard Glover Diaries 09. The Night Before Christmas 10. Voice of the Pop Side 14. Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle 16. Memorable Memorabilia 17. Tweet Disposition 18. Jack The Miner’s Coalface
20. Windmills of Your Mind 25. Easy for Dennis 26. To Lindum And Back 28. Doncaster Does Hamlet 29. The Donny Comet 30. Blowing My Own Trumpet 32. Seasons In Retrospect
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reasonable, but I am yet to see any concrete explanation as to why exactly a group of investors, or a hedge-fund depending on what they are this week, would wish to plough their millions into a football team struggling to make it in the second tier. The venerable John Coyle looks at this further on pages 10-13 of this issue so I won’t tread on his toes any further, but whilst Ryan has sought to turn the fan-base against Terry Bramall, all he has on his side at present it seems is a bumper sticker that reads ‘trust me, I’m a chairman’. In all this it has been good to see the Viking Supporters Co-Operative uphold the aims and objectives on which they were founded by seeking the appropriate answers from Sequentia Capital. Contrary to what many Rovers fans have come to believe the VSC have not flatly gone against Sequentia Capital or any large-scale investment in the Rovers, but have simply done what any Supporters Trust would and should
do in this situation; ask Sequentia who they are, what they are doing and why. That they are still yet to receive a meaningful response to this should worry more supporters than it currently does. Perhaps it is down to the legacy of the VSC’s previous directorship that many supporters feel its role is to unequivocally back JR in all he says and does. But that is not their role, and it never has been. John Ryan by his own admission is just a supporter, and so as today’s game plays out, look at those seated around you, listen to what they say to each other, and what they yell at the field and ask yourself – would I unquestioningly back anything these people did or said, simply because they support the same team as me? I suspect the answer is probably no. We may be one collective group, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think for ourselves. Enjoy the fanzine and have a great Christmas. We’ll see you in the new year. Viva Rovers!
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GW
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER AT THE ROVERS CERTAINLY HAVEN’T BEEN SHORT OF INCIDENT; HERE’S A RECAP. TUESDAY 1ST OCTOBER ROVERS 0-2 BURNLEY
SATURDAY 19TH OCTOBER READING 4-1 ROVERS
Not a great night for Rob Jones, who gives away a penalty for Burnley’s first goal before kindly scoring their second for them. Encouragement though can be taken in Rovers generally matching a side who currently top the second tier.
I hate Reading. I hate the corporate forlock-tugging of the Madejski Stadium, where all the food and drink is Waitrose own-brand. I hate always losing. And I hate having to sit on a bus to get from the town centre to their ‘conveniently located modern stadium.’ As a fellow Rovers supporter once suggested, let’s just forget about these fixtures with Reading, give them the six points and do something more interesting with our afternoon instead. The hosts took the lead early on and looked set to dominate proceedings until a great tactical switch from Paul Dickov midway through the first half changed Rovers shape and brought an equaliser from Theo Robinson. Sadly the Biscuitmen went back in front just before the break and things got even worse for Rovers when Rob Jones was forced off with an arm injury. With Rovers having already used all three substitutes they were forced to play out the final fifteen minutes a man light and Reading’s expensively assembled squad took advantage of the space to add two further goals.
SATURDAY 5TH OCTOBER ROVERS 1-0 LEICESTER CITY “Scoring his first goal for the Rovers; Number One: Kasperrrr Schmeiiiichellllllll!” A gloriously comical error from Leicester’s ‘keeper gifts Rovers a welcome three points as under no pressure whatsoever the young Dane hurls Mark Duffy’s corner into his own net. I like to think that when he popped round to see his dad later that weekend young Kasper was greeted by Schmeichel Senior haring down the front garden to stand by the gate screaming a right old bollocking in his face. No? Just me? Anyway, despite the gifted goal Rovers battled hard for this and only some great keeping by Schmeichel prevented them from adding goals of their own. At the other end Ross Turnbull, Bongani Khumalo’s aerial presence, and the left hand post were all influential in securing the three points against another side who’s supporters were destined to litter football fora with the phrase “the likes of Doncaster” all evening.
FRIDAY 25TH OCTOBER MIDDLESBROUGH 4-0 ROVERS OK let’s make a pact shall we, and all agree that this never happened. Rovers never went to Middlesbrough, they never suffered the inevitable heavy defeat to a team looking to impress
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a new manager, they never fell apart like a rich tea in a hot cup of tea. Repeat after me, everything will be ok, everything will be ok, everything will be ok…
SATURDAY 2ND NOVEMBER ROVERS 1-3 BRIGHTON Further injury headaches for Paul Dickov as Rob Jones proves to be mortal after all as he suffers a neck injury in the warm-up, catapulting Luke McCullough into an unexpected start at centre-back. Despite the last minute change in personnel Rovers look to be holding their own against the Albion as they recovered from going behind to a Jake Forster-Caskey wonder strike to level through Chris Brown. However, just as Rovers looked to be as likely to grab all three points as the visitors, Albion introduced Leroy Lita, who scores against Rovers at the same regularity that Miley Cyrus outrages the Daily Mail showbiz column. Lita scored his inevitable goal to put the visitors back in front before fellow sub David Lopez curled in a fantastic free-kick to wrap up a 3-1 win. A third heavy defeat in three pushes Rovers down towards the Championship’s relegation zone.
FRIDAY 8TH NOVEMBER The eve of a crucial local derby is a peculiar time to gainfully attempt to cleave the club’s fan base straight down the middle, but that is inexplicably what the DRFC Exiles group elects to do by voicing John Ryan’s frustrations in an announcement that ends with a message to supporters that “the chant tomorrow is Ryan in, Brammall out”. Such an attempt to degenerate the complexities of the Sequentia proposal into a him-or-me personality clash would seem to suit only one man.
SATURDAY 9TH NOVEMBER BARNSLEY 0-0 ROVERS Just before the teams come out at Barnsley the local press begin to report that John Ryan has resigned as chairman of Rovers. The timing is crass, coming as it does immediately before a crucial local derby, and thus diverting the attention of supporters from backing their team to getting vocally involved in boardroom politics as the now ex-chairman proceeds to watch the match from within the Rovers support. After the match Ryan nips ahead of Paul Dickov in the queue for the post-match press conference to confirm that he has resigned. Talking to the press Ryan moves from obvious sadness and nostalgia at his time as chairman to a number of pointed barbs at Terry Bramhall, stopping just short of going all out Jerry Maguire as he encourages Bramall to show us his money. Ryan also dismissed the club’s reported interest in buying the Dons, stating “Really? Rugby in Doncaster. No-one’s interested.” As for the match itself, for there was one going on behind all this, well after recent results the onus was very much on preventing the opposition from scoring, and thanks to Ross Turnbull’s penalty save that was achieved. The defence, aided by an impressively confident performance by Luke McCullough looked a lot more solid than recent weeks – although that’s akin to saying 1946 was a better year for Britain than the previous six. The only downside was the lack of genuine chances created at the other end, but anything that stops the rot is welcome. Asked if the international break had come at the right time Paul Dickov replied; “Damn right it has!” Shame we can’t break from all the off-field guff too.
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TUESDAY 19TH NOVEMBER Dean Furman and Bongani Khumalo get a decent little warm-up in for a Friday home game with Yeovil, as part of the South Africa team that defeats World Champions Spain in Johannesburg. It’s all very well keeping Villa, Busquets, Alonso & Iniesta in check, but can you do it on a freezing night in front of whinging ex-miners?
WEDNESDAY 20TH NOVEMBER Rovers finally confirm the longrumoured takeover of Doncaster ‘Dons’ Rugby League team. It is said in a statement on the Rovers club website that though both sides will continue to have their own identities, “the clubs hope to create a strategic alliance between both groups of supporters.” Some Rovers fans had raised concerns that any money here could have been better spent on Paul Dickov’s squad, but Chief Executive Gavin Baldwin is quick to assure fans that “The takeover will create immediate revenue streams for the stadium and I would like to reassure our loyal supporters that the Dons will have no negative impact on funds available for Doncaster Rovers, the initial cost was funded separately by the owners.”
THURSDAY 21ST NOVEMBER Sequentia Capital’s takeover attempt officially moves into ‘saga’ territory as another twist is announced with the group claiming that they have purchased John Ryan’s shares in the club, as well as those of other players such as Trevor ‘the Axeman’ Milton. According to the Yorkshire Post ‘Sequentia frontman’ (a title which makes him sound like the singer in a terrible 80s synth pop group) Kevin
Phelan stated “I have made it clear to John Ryan that if Sequentia are involved in Doncaster, then John Ryan is involved. If John isn’t, Sequentia won’t be because Doncaster without John Ryan is like Hamlet without the prince.” A peculiar analogy which seems to ignore the first 121 years of the club’s existence for one, and hint that with Ryan the club would be a complete tragedy. There were more pearls of wisdom from Phelan in the piece, my favourite being “When we were doing this deal in the summer, everyone was at the top of the league because they hadn’t played any matches,” which is a gloriously optimistic attitude to have to life, inferring that until the Winter Olympics get underway in Sochi in February we are all joint Four-Man Bobsled champions.
FRIDAY 22ND NOVEMBER ROVERS 2-1 YEOVIL TOWN We’ve bloody beaten Yeovil. After only one win in sixteen meetings against our former Conference foes, Mark Duffy’s late great free-kick secures a 2-1 win over The Glovers to move Rovers up two places to nineteenth in the table. Rovers had started brightly with Federico Macheda, who rejoined the club on loan the day before (much to the delight of Sky Sports who gleefully honed in on the only player they knew throughout their live coverage), key to early attacks and delivering the killer lay-off for Dean Furman to slot home his first Rovers goal. The lead was cancelled out before the break as with a distinct sense of inevitability former Doncaster man Byron Webster scooped the ball home from close range. Rovers continued to create chances, but looked set to pay the price for not taking them when Furman was sent-off for a second bookable offence with just over ten
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minutes to go. However Duffy caught Yeovil ‘keeper Chris Dunn napping to beat him at his near –post with a killer free-kick and secure a much needed three points.
TUESDAY 26TH NOVEMBER CHARLTON ATHLETIC 2-0 ROVERS As tedious and inevitable a defeat as you can tediously and inevitably suffer as Charlton take advantage of being let off the hook by the elements in August to roll over Rovers 2-0. Even this rearranged fixture looked to be in doubt for a while as a power-cut at London Bridge meant there were no trains heading South East from the centre of the capital, leading to a vast number of empty seats in The Valley as the teams made their way onto the field. Mark De Val made his first start for the Rovers but the real interest for many was on the substitute’s bench where Martin Woods sat having resigned for the club on a short term basis the day before. Woods had been training with the club in an effort to return to the game after a difficult two years with injuries and as he approached fitness and Rovers found themselves without experienced midfield cover Dickov moved to get Woods on board for mutual benefit. The midfielder did not appear tonight though, neither did Kyle Bennett, recalled from his loan spell at Crawley. Despite a couple of flashes at goal from Federico Macheda Rovers were second best throughout as a wonder goal from Dale Stephens and a second goal on the break from Simon Church made it 3-3 on aggregate.
GW
NICK FENTON
Coming out of the Oasis foodcourt area at Meadowhall looking completely lost. spotter: @NathanDRFC
JASON PRICE
Playing for Selby Town against Rossington Main at Oxford Street. spotter: Pete Murden
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
Regularly on the 17:11 train from Sheffield to Doncaster. I’ve outpaced him leaving the station. spotter: @Ginner100 And... Going past Toby Carvery with a briefcase in hand rushing for a bus. spotter: @KieranOMalley
BILLY PAYNTER
In the audience on Deal Or No Deal
spotter: @Louis_Bailey_
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T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS MIKE FOLLOWS RE-IMAGINES A CLASSIC CHRISTMAS TALE ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town, Not a Rover was stirring, not even Chris Brown, Little James Coppinger snoozed in his bed, Rob Jones dreamed of clearing the snow with his head, David Cotterill had been to the kitchen, To put out a carrot for Donder and Blitzen, The players were warmed by the log fire’s glow, Bongani Khumalo was hoping for snow, When all of a sudden arose quite a din, And out of his bed jumped a sleepy Paul Quinn, He raced down the stairs with the greatest of ease, And picked up an envelope postmarked Belize, No toys, sweets or goodies had been scattered around, Just a bank statement reading “forty million pounds”, But why was it there and what could it mean, To the likes of Doncaster’s Football team? He ran to the window as just out of sight, Went a fellow with teeth gleaming brilliant white, He flew away over gardens and fences, Shouting “Take the cash, sod the consequences”, As morning broke over Cantley Park, And the sun chased away the Christmas Eve dark, Excitable Rovers rushed to see, What had been left for them under the tree, Would the fans be delighted or would they be shunned, By a secretive Irish/Belizean hedge fund?
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VOICE OF THE POP SIDE WELL, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TRY TO EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE ROVERS. WHO BETTER THAN JOHN COYLE?
‘WHAT IS JOHN RYAN PLAYING AT?’ “What did he mean by that?” So the Austrian statesman Prince Metternich is reputed to have asked on hearing of the sudden death of the French diplomat and master intriguer Talleyrand. Rovers’ fans might have wondered the same on hearing of the resignation of John Ryan, announced a few minutes before the kick-off of an important local derby at Barnsley. Leaving aside the timing of the move, presumably designed to attract maximum media exposure, why has Ryan decided that now is time for him to return to being “just a supporter”? I will argue that this is part of a carefully-designed strategy to install his preferred owners and also to oust the two men that Ryan himself brought to the club only a few years ago. In the last issue of popular STAND I looked at the proposed takeover by Sequentia Capital and concluded that Ryan’s fellow major shareholders- Terry Bramall and Dick Watson- were right to be cautious about what was being proposed. Sequentia are, it appears, a Hedge Fund based in Belize, and the history of the involvement of similar investment vehicles in football suggested a cautious approach was appropriate. Fans of
Crystal Palace and Coventry City will testify to problems associated with Hedge Fund ownership: in the case of Coventry, these have seen the club forced to play 35 miles from their home city as a result of a dispute with the owners of their stadium. On the other hand, we were told by John Ryan, who has championed the Sequentia bid throughout, that this represents a wonderful opportunity for Doncaster Rovers, allowing the club to secure the investment necessary to aim for the riches of the Premier League. With the details of the Sequentia offer vague, probably as a result of confidentiality clauses, fans were effectively being asked to take a leap of faith: given John Ryan’s previous track record of success that was a leap plenty appeared willing to take. The deal appeared to have stalled as a result of Bramall and Watson’s caution, and a statement appeared on the Official Website just over a month ago to say that the club would be carrying on as before. However, it was tempting to believe that this statement did not mark the end of the story. Kevin Phelan, a long-term friend of Ryan’s and the man charged with brokering the deal, said as much to the press.
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Then there were suggestions, this time in the Yorkshire Post that Ryan was unhappy and ready to walk out of the boardroom, suggestions confirmed at Barnsley, with Ryan going to sit with fans during the match. The largely positive reception he received may have convinced him that he was winning the argument. Of course, the phrase “winning the argument” is perhaps misleading in this context. There has been little reasoned argument at all amongst supporters, largely because of the vague nature of Sequentia’s offer. Fans have become polarised into two broad groups: those who are prepared to back the Sequentia bid because Ryan is in favour of it, and
those who remain sceptical until further concrete information emerges. The Supporters’ Club appears to be in the former camp, the Viking Supporters’ Co-operative (VSC) squarely in the latter; although this has not lessened accusations from some that the VSC’s leadership is implacably opposed to the deal on any terms. I do not recall such a polarisation of the fanbase since the earlier days of Ken Richardson’s regime. By the end, of course, everyone was glad to see the back of the Firestarter,
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VOICE OF THE POP SIDE CONTINUED FROM PAGES 10 AND 11 but it is easy to forget that in the early days many saw Richardson as a saviour. Those who opposed him, who included John Ryan, were dismissed as nay-sayers who did not have the interests of the club at heart. It is disturbing to see history repeating itself. It is interesting to consider the issues that apparently prompted Ryan’s walkout. He was understood to be angry that a representative of Bramall and (possibly) Watson had held talks with Sequentia to which Ryan was not privy. Although details of these “talks” have not been confirmed, if they did take place it seems odd that Ryan should object so vehemently. After all, as the main supporter of the Sequentia bid, it seemed unlikely that he would not have been made aware of the outcome, and one would think he would be pleased that lines of communication remained open. Then there is the question of the Dons: rumours had abounded that Rovers planned to take over the cash-strapped Rugby League club. This initiative would fit in with the “Doncaster Sporting Club” concept championed by Chief Executive Gavin Baldwin, although to many supporters it appears like an unnecessary diversion of resources from the football club. Ryan was scathing about the plan, hinting that he either had not been consulted or had been out-voted. Though given the comparatively modest sums of money involved, it
is hard to see how the buy-out of the Dons has assumed such significance. Since the theatrics at Barnsley, events have moved on apace. Terry Bramall, not noted for his willingness to speak to the media about Doncaster Rovers, gave a lengthy interview to Radio Sheffield. He did not seem like a man who was implacably opposed to the Sequentia deal and suggested that his main objection, the length of time over which payments would be spread, had been overcome. He also made it pretty clear that he had no intention of becoming Chairman or taking on a more hands-on role at Rovers. Meanwhile, Ryan has been on manoeuvres, telling that Yorkshire Post that he might return to the boardroom- in direct contradiction of what he said at Barnsley- but only once Bramall had gone. And there, finally we get to the nub of all this. It seems to me that John Ryan is determined to force through the Sequentia deal- which he believes to be in the best interests of the club- and now feels that he can only achieve this by forcing out the other major shareholders. This can be achieved, he believes, by pushing Terry Bramall into a position which he does not want- namely, that of being the public face of Doncaster Rovers. There may be other ways, as well. The former Chairman Trevor Milton, a man firmly in the proSequentia camp after selling his shareholding to them, suggested that the club was at a crisis point
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and called on the fans to get involved. “Now the ship is left without a rudder,” he said, “and before it sinks into oblivion through lack of interest and motivation it is therefore time for all supporters to stand up and be counted.” That seems a pretty clear call for the fans to put pressure onto Bramall to step aside and allow the Sequentia deal to progress. That, to me, is playing with fire. Rovers have been one of the more stable clubs in football over the past ten years and rather than building up the fanbase, which we would all surely desire, this posturing threatens to split the fanbase down the middle. Pro- or anti, Bramall or Sequentia. It is not a happy prospect. John Ryan has done wonders for Doncaster Rovers, achieving more than perhaps any other chairman the club has had in its history. Under his stewardship the club has done just about everything he set out to do when he became chairman
back in those dark days of 1998 - a return to the Football League, three promotions, two Championships, a cup final win and a memorable day out at Wembley, all delivered along with a move to a new stadium fit for the 21st century. Yet in his determination to secure the last piece of the jigsaw, a tilt at the Premier League, he threatens to condemn Rovers to internal division and a future in the hands of owners of whom we know little. Maybe he should consider this before trying to force out the men he brought to the boardroom table, and who have contributed much to Rovers’ recent success via their financial input. John says he wants to go back to being a supporter: I am hoping that his determination to force through the Sequentia deal doesn’t mean that in the future none of us will have a club to support.
JC
THIS ISSUE STEVE IS... ...attempting to cleverly position himself in a situation within which he will appear to be the lesser of two evils. a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 13
REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE INTRODUCING REG IPSA, OUR NEW RESIDENT LEGAL ADVISOR, HERE TO ANSWER YOUR PROBLEMS. WE DRAGGED HIM OUT OF THE BLACK BULL TO RESPOND TO SOME OF OUR READERS’ LETTERS. NO OFFENSE I have been a Rovers fan for 60 years. A new Winterforks theme pub has opened down the road from my house. They have theme nights and when they did the “Bucket of Beer” night loads of drunks came by and urinated through my six foot trellis and ruined my flowers. They had a curry night last week – you can guess what was sprayed through that night. My mate Alf can lend me an air rifle to shoot the dirty devils in the helmet and save my wilting pansies. Can I get away with it ? Frank Creosote, Carcroft
REG RESPONDS
LA DEE DA Dear Reg, I am a steward at the Keepmoat. The one with three teeth. I was at a Lock In at the Masons Arms a few weeks ago and bought a twenty-year-old Lada for £120 from Viagra Stan. It keeps breaking down and the noise is upsetting the neighbours who have started posting dog mess through my letterbox. Should I sue him for the £120? Trevor Phlegm, Conisborough
REG RESPONDS
I wouldn’t buy anything from anyone in the Masons. The law of contract says Caveat emptor. This translates in Yorkshire speak to “You bought it so lump it”. You bought a Lada in a pub from Stan. What did you expect? The courts won’t give you your money back. They apply the same principle to Sheffield Wednesday fans who try to get their season ticket refunded in November. Mind you I know a bloke in the East stand who wants something metal to live in. Drop in the Black Bull tonight and I’ll pass you his number – if you get us a pint.
Frank, be very careful my old flower. You cannot legally shoot a man – especially not there. What you need is something over six feet tall, menacing and able to stand around for ages not moving. Rob Jones is on the injury list. I’ve had a word – he’s happy to stand there for a couple of evenings. And as he is a Geordie you only need pay him with four bottles of pale ale and a couple of stottie cakes. You are the second person who I have been helping with wilting pansies – the other chap is called Arsene and he is from North London – he’s been complaining for eight years. 14 | PS67 | December 2013 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
Dear Reg,
THIS ISSUE’S STAR LETTER MOBY SICK
I am a South West Stand season ticket holder. I have been married for 30 years. My missus has been carrying on with a Leeds fan from Goole who is a Deep Sea Whaling Captain. She says she wants a divorce and to run off to sea with him. Should I fight for our love? Albert Stench, Edlington
REG RESPONDS
Adultery is a fact you can use in a divorce petition. Adultery with a Leeds fan could get her sectioned under a Mental Health Act ruling. I can knock out a quickie divorce for a grand. £800 if you bring the cash to the Woolpack and you don’t need a receipt.
DOGGONE IT
MAID MERRY Reg,
Dear Reg,
I am writing this letter from a prison cell. I went into town to celebrate our draw with Forest. I met a lady Forest fan in The Goose and took her round town. We swapped numbers. I’ve been sending her pictures of my “meat and two veg” from my mobile phone for the last two weeks. According to the magistrate this is harassment and the Police have banged me up pending trial. My cell mate is a Scunthorpe fan and thinks I’ve had it. What am I likely to get?
I am an East Stand regular. I do love a mumble. I moved in with my 55 year old girlfriend four years ago. Everything is great except for the old love life. She will only let me have a go doggy style. The only problem is I can only get the Donnie Dog outfit about three times a year and the bloke that usually wears it complains if I leave any stains in or on it. She is threatening to throw me out. Any advice?
Wayne Scrote, Balby
REG RESPONDS
How lovely you found your very own Maid Marion. Just a shame you kept showing her your Little John. There’s a bloke in the Golden Fleece keeps dropping his trousers whenever the Pogues come on the Jukebox. He usually gets a caution. I suspect you will get something similar. Don’t listen to your cell mate – he’s used to getting beat every week.
Harry Monk, Waggies Caravans, Edenthorpe.
REG RESPONDS
This reminds me of a client who would only make love to his wife if they both dressed up as moles. I managed to get her a nonmolestation order and they divorced a year later. I’d recommend saving up for your own costume. If not then I’d suggest finding a cheap caravan in The Advertiser.
HB
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MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA SAM CUBBIN KICKS OFF A NEW SERIES IN WHICH SUPPORTERS TELL US ABOUT THEIR FAVOURITE PIECE OF ROVERS MEMORABILIA As a younger Donny fan, relatively speaking at least, I don’t have much that I feel counts as proper memorabilia. But I do of course still have my ticket from the PlayOff Final against everyone who doesn’t support Leeds’ least favourite football team: Leeds. Just looking at that ticket brings back very clear memories of that brilliant day. I remember how good the team was at that point, and the fantastic football they played; the pride I felt, as an admirer of Arsenal, in being known as ‘The Arsenal of the North’. Before the game I was genuinely confident that we would win that day and when I sat in my seat, near the half way line and on the front row of the top tier, with a perfect view down onto the pitch, I was ready to see something special. As the pre-match rituals/rubbish took place on the pitch, I laughed at 40,000 Leeds fan booing in unison at the Football League Chairman, still feeling sorry for themselves after the 15 point deduction which denied them automatic promotion. I remember how desperately I wanted a chant of “YORKSHIRE, YORKSHIRE…” to break out and spread across the
entire crowd, just to see a full Wembley stadium united a little bit of Yorkshire pride. And then it started; a dominant first half performance with the trademark passing football and chances created but not taken, which was often a familiar story at the time. At the break a battle raged in my head, one side despairing, convinced it was going to be ‘one of those days’. But the other side, the optimist, saying ‘we’re playing well, the occasion hasn’t got to them, it will come’. And of course, everyone knows what happened next. Madness ensued and strangers were hugged. Donny continued to play well and create further chances, but they weren’t taken, and with ten minutes to go and only the single goal in it, the nerves kicked in. But as the time slowly ticked by and Leeds created little, with Sullivan seemingly catching everything before falling to the floor for an age each time, I knew it was our day. All that was left was to enjoy the moment, made ever so slightly sweeter by the crying Leeds fans being beamed onto the big screens. Donny were in the Championship, and I couldn’t wait.
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SC
TWEET DISPOSITION NOT ON TWITTER? FEEL LIKE YOU’RE MISSING OUT? DON’T WORRY, WE BRING YOU ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS Twitter has changed the way we see footballers, altering the manner in which interact with our heroes, and Kyle Bennett. Thanks to social media we get an insight into the mindset and the pathos of professional athletes like never before. Succinct statements which give us a window into the soul of focussed, driven professionals. It is a valuable social tool which helps us understand the very essence of those we put our faith in each and every week. Here, popular STAND picks out the key tweets from Rovers players from recent months.
Mark Duffy @markduffy7
Billy no mates 2nite wot to do for tea???
Chris Brown @browny159
When it rains it pours
Dean Furman @de4no22
Bbc1.. Super giant animals. What a programme. Steve Backshall is a madman swimming with the crocs!!
Luke McCullough @lmccullough94
Fancied an omelette, walked to the shop for eggs...came back with 3 bags full of stuff..no eggs
Federico Macheda @FedMac27 hello. kyle bennett @kbennyb
Can anyone tell me what the song is called on the John Lewis advert
Dave Syers @davesyers
harry forrester @harry_forrester
Theo Robinson @theorobinson09
Reece Wabara @ReeceWabara
James Husband @JimHusband
David Cotterill @cotterill_david
How long is this GTA installation gona take #comeon
@InterfloraUK sorted my problem out, misuses was happy at the end !
Law abiding citizen. #bigfilm
How do I upload pics. Still not letting me...
Heated blanket has officially been pulled out of storage
My #sydneyoperahouse #lego is complete!
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 17
JACK THE MINER’S COALFACE NOT ON TWITTER? FEEL LIKE YOU’RE MISSING OUT? DON’T WORRY, WE BRING YOU ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS There was something about Paul Dickov at that first press conference when he was unveiled as manager. It was as if I knew him from somewhere else; somewhere away from football, Match of the Day, the playing turf and the dug-out. I didn’t go to school with him. He doesn’t shop in the same supermarket and he doesn’t look like anyone my sister would ever have brought to the house when she was younger. It’s been bugging me so I Googled him... His name, apparently, comes via his Bulgarian grandfather. I’ve never been to Bulgaria and the only Bulgarian I knew was a Womble. Joe Royle nicknamed him ‘the wasp’ on account of his tendency to be a 90 minute nuisance to defenders. I was stung by a bee once, but never a wasp. He’s married to Janet. I don’t know Janet Dickov. I was stuck. And then the mystery started to unravel. The evidence started to fall into place. In an Hercule Poirot story I would have summoned everyone to the library to explain my findings, except I don’t have a library.
First there was Dickov’s dress code. Always immaculate. Never without a tie. Second was his behaviour in press conferences. Always correct. Always cool. Always unflappable. Polite yet steely. Third was his hair. Always slicked back. Never a hair out of place. Almost Germanic, you might well be thinking. I had my suspicions. And then I started to read extracts from his interviews. PD was starting to reveal his secret.
“It was a model performance and we were looking good” “When I first saw it I thought it was onside but having seen the replays I can see it was offside. It only takes a camera to change my mind.” PD: “Obviously we’ll miss him. With the sending off it’s an automatic ban.” Interviewer: “ But there will be a slight delay before the suspension takes effect?”
PD: “ No, it was a straight red so it’s an auto ban.”
“I am disappointed. We were
18 | PS67 | December 2013 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
standing there, like dummies, exposing ourselves at the back, not picking up the man at the front post” And the penny finally dropped when I studied the lyrics of Germany’s electro pop pioneers, Kraftwerk...
She’s a model and she’s looking good I’d like to take her home that’s understood She plays hard to get, she smiles from time to time It only takes a camera to change her mind (The Model) Wir fahr’n fahr’n fahr’n auf der Autobahn (Autobahn) We are standing here Exposing ourselves We are showroom dummies (Showroom Dummies) So, that’s where I’d seen PD before. In red shirt and black tie behind a keyboard console alongside Ralf Hütter, Florian Schneider and those other Dussledorf synth wizards. Of course this begs a question. How can PD hope to do justice to both
these demanding roles? Is he plotting the downfall of QPR when he should be helping Ralf and the lads put the finishing touches to the band’s long awaited new studio album? And is he wondering how to get his makeshift back 4 to gel when he should be focussed on pumping out those electro rhythms on stage in front of 20,000 Kraftwerk fans? You’d expect PD to deny it and he continues to ignore my letters and e-mails. And I can tell him now that the High Court injunction won’t stop me from securing a confession. Understandably he wants to keep this double life secret and deep down he knows he’s not being fair to DRFC or Kraftwerk. Anyway I caught out the two timing Scot/German (take your pick – we may never know the truth). Standing outside the Keepmoat last week I bumped into PD.
‘Enjoyed your gig at the Tate Modern Paul’, to which he replied ‘Danke’. I rest my case ...although he might have said ‘wanker’.
JTM
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 19
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND HE MAY HAVE LEFT THE NETHERLANDS TO FIGHT FOR ITSELF, BUT HE’S STILL OUR DUTCH UNCLE; THIS ISSUE OUR MAN NO LONGER IN HOLLAND LOOKS AT ROVERS ATTENDANCES Attendances are an area where definitive data can be distinctly elusive. Club handbooks can often be found to quote a season’s average attendance which is at odds to that which can be calculated from the individual attendances given for the games themselves. In addition to this the ever reliable data given by Bluff and Watson contrasts with ‘official’ figures, whilst the Rothmans/ Sky annuals provide yet further conflicting figures. For this article the data of Bluff and Watson has been used for seasons up to 199293, with club handbooks seemingly offering more consistent figures since that date. Some of the earlier seasons however, particularly those up to the 1924-25 season have needed a little guesswork and interpolation in their calculation. All of this collective data provides the table on the facing page of Doncaster Rovers’ average attendances in their Football League and Conference seasons. (Note the old Division 4 was renamed Division 3 from 1992-93, and further ‘rebranded’ in 2004-05). Given the above assumptions, in the 86 complete seasons Rovers have played in the Football League and Football Conference approximately 13.15 million people have attended a total of 1,884 home league games; giving an approximate all-time average league attendance of 6,979. In comparison the same number of
away games have been attended by more than 14.5 million, with an approximate all-time average of 7,729. Although many people are disappointed with recent attendances, last season’s 7,239 home average and this season’s current home average of 8,852 (before the Yeovil game) means Rovers are currently managing to attract home crowds which are better than their historical average, this season being more than 25% better. The current average for away league matches is over 16,000; more than double the historical average. A look at the collected average attendances shows the clear effect of the combination of football’s postwar boom years and the fact that just after WW2 Rovers were either at their highest level or challenging for promotion to it. The club’s subsequent decline from Division 2 to Division 4 came during a national slump in attendances which became even more marked in the early 1970s. Consequently Rovers’ record averages of over 20,000 achieved in the 1950s fell to about 10% of that figure by 1972. More recently the highest seasonal average in the 18 seasons from 198586 to 2002-03 was the 3,540 in our promotion year of 2002-3. Our ten
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Season Div Games 1901-02 1902-03 1904-05 1923-24 1924-25 1925-26 1926-27 1927-28 1928-29 1929-30 1930-31 1931-32 1932-33 1933-34 1934-35 1935-36 1936-37 1937-38 1938-39 1946-47 1947-48 1948-49 1949-50 1950-51 1951-52 1952-53 1953-54 1954-55 1955-56 1956-57 1957-58 1958-59 1959-60 1960-61 1961-62 1962-63 1963-64 1964-65 1965-66 1966-67 1967-68 1968-69 1969-70
2 2 2 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 3N 2 2 3N 3N 3N 2 3N 3N 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 3 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 3 4 4 3
34 34 34 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 40 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 46 46 46 44 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46
Average Attendance Home Away 2,676 3,706 2,618 4,529 2,476 4,647 6,605 6,284 5,881 5,214 5,504 5,595 5,989 5,368 7,574 6,745 6,733 5,620 4,652 4,771 4,173 5,187 3,903 4,674 5,262 4,556 6,000 4,562 10,761 6,635 14,122 16,163 12,173 14,815 13,040 7,746 11,587 6,717 15,322 12,300 22,317 26,785 13,873 11,300 18,260 12,513 22,835 26,532 21,078 22,168 15,862 19,861 16,984 20,890 12,372 17,950 12,414 18,166 12,389 17,181 11,129 18,127 6,664 10,266 5,247 6,970 4,754 6,919 4,584 6,437 6,303 5,347 6,355 5,550 8,569 6,794 10,398 6,690 7,909 7,166 7,852 6,658 10,212 6,373 8,562 7,922
Season 1970-71 1971-72 1972-73 1973-74 1974-75 1975-76 1976-77 1977-78 1978-79 1979-80 1980-81 1981-82 1982-83 1983-84 1984-85 1985-86 1986-87 1987-88 1988-89 1989-90 1990-91 1991-92 1992-93 1993-94 1994-95 1995-96 1996-97 1997-98 1998-99 1999-00 2000-01 2001-02 2002-03 2003-04 2004-05 2005-06 2006-07 2007-08 2008-09 2009-10 2010-11 2011-12 2012-13
Div Games 3 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 3 3 4 3 3 3 3 4 4 4 4 3R 3R 3R 3R 3R 3R FC FC FC FC FC 3R FL1 FL1 FL1 FL1 FLCh FLCh FLCh FLCh FL1
46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 42 42 42 42 46 46 46 42 42 42 42 42 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46
Average Attendance Home Away 4,478 7,530 4,125 4,992 2,259 3,514 2,395 3,759 2,975 3,525 6,056 4,049 4,631 4,172 3,228 4,207 3,000 3,837 4,322 4,086 5,412 3,687 5,234 5,001 3,541 4,724 3,778 3,482 4,103 4,914 2,804 4,412 2,449 3,894 1,913 5,098 2,159 2,856 2,706 3,117 2,831 3,592 2,081 3,193 2,411 3,193 2,485 3,136 2,590 3,468 2,090 3,544 2,088 3,525 1,715 3,171 3,380 1,949 2,981 1,698 2,281 1,695 2,409 1,607 3,540 2,049 6,939 6,509 6,886 8,719 6,139 8,221 7,725 7,333 7,978 8,273 11,964 18,370 10,992 17,945 10,258 17,459 9,341 17,444 7,239 6,054
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 21
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 20 AND 21 seasons back in the Football League since have seen an average between 6,139 in 2005-6 and 11,964 in 20089, which was our best since 195657. Disappointing as this may be, happening in a new stadium and during one of the most successful seasons of our history, it nevertheless represents true riches compared with most of the last 40 years. Doncaster Rovers’ highest ever home league attendance came in a 1948-49 Division 3 North match against Hull City and is variously reported as 37,149 or 37,099. In comparison the lowest was the 739 who attended a midweek fixture against Barnet in the calamitous 1997-98 season. There have been five other home league attendances that have exceeded 30,000 (all coming at Belle Vue between 1938 and 1951), and thankfully on only one other occasion have less than 1,000 been in attendance; the 864 who saw Rovers play Chester, also in 1997-98. In terms of away league matches the highest crowd to attend a Rovers match is the impressive 58,110 who packed out Goodison Park in the 1953-54 season. Aside from that match only one other Rovers league game has been seen by more than 50,000 fans, with 51,137 at Hillsborough in the 1947-48 season. It perhaps goes without saying that both of these matches were played in the old Division 2. It is also worth noting, that the attendance of 43,949 at Newcastle in the 200910 season was the highest league attendance at a Rovers match since Doncaster played Liverpool at Anfield in 1955-56 (49,659).
In the Cups only once have Rovers enjoyed a home crowd in excess of 30,000; an FA Cup fixture against Tottenham Hotspur in 1956. As with Rovers travelling league attendances, only two of the club’s FA Cup ties have been attended by 50,000+ fans. The first of these came at Highbury in 1952-53 as 57,440 watched Rovers at Arsenal, and the second at Birmingham City, with 57,830 in attendance in 1954-55. The attendance at Goodison Park in 1953-54 remained the largest crowd Rovers had ever played in front of, for more than fifty years, until the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Final at Cardiff ’s Millennium Stadium in 2007. On that day 59,024 were in attendance for Doncaster’s win over Bristol Rovers. This time the record did not stand long, as the next season’s League One play-off final against Leeds United at Wembley comfortably exceeded that record with 75,132. In 2008-09 our lowest home crowd was 9,534 against Swansea. Only 1949-50 (11,712) & 1950-51 (14,557) have seen higher minimum attendances, with these two seasons the only ones in the club’s history where every home league attendance was greater than 10,000. However those totals of 21 home league attendances in a season were beaten in 2008-09 when the two extra league games played meant that 22 games were attended by more than 10,000. The table at the top of this article also displays the difference between the average home attendance and the average away attendance. After a
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steady decline - in both football attendances as a whole, and Rovers own fortunes across the 1980s and 1990s - the average attendance at Rovers away matches was always higher than that at home games. Perhaps unsurprisingly it took Rovers years in the Conference to buck this trend, with the 1998-99 season the first since 1981 to see average home attendances higher than average away attendances. This continued throughout Rovers’ five year stint in the Conference and on into the first season back in the Football League, with Rovers’ continuing success bringing not only increased crowds but also the Division Three title. The 2006-07 season also saw Rovers achieve a higher home average attendance than away, although these figures were swelled by the high attendances in the opening matches at the new Keepmoat Stadium.
One attendance oddity concerns Rovers recent matches with Yeovil and Swansea. In the five years Doncaster spent in the Conference, only one of the 105 home games drew an attendance of over 5,000 - the 2003 fixture with Yeovil on the day The Glovers officially won their place in the Football League. Despite a 4-0 defeat that day Rovers of course went on to be promoted via the play-offs, and many Doncaster fans were fulsome in their praise of the football Yeovil played establishing something of a bond between the two sets of supporters. Certainly in the 2003-04 season there was talk of ‘Pub team North’ and ‘Pub team South’ against the rest of the League. However, in the eleven seasons since Rovers have been back in the Football League there have been a total of just three home league matches with attendances less than 5,000 - and two of those have been against Yeovil (the other came against Bournemouth). At the time of writing it would not surprise me if the coming match against Yeovil in front of Sky cameras proves to be the lowest attendance of this season, but surely it will be above 5,000.
On New Years Day 2007 Rovers of course moved to the new Keepmoat Stadium. The highest attendance at our new home is the 15,001 recorded against Leeds in 2007-08. This was also the largest home league crowd since Boxing Day 1969 when 19,742 were at the game with Rotherham in the old Division 3. The Leeds fixture also represented the highest home As for Swansea, in 2007-08 the home attendance at any match since the game with the Swans was one of fourth round League Cup tie with only three league games to see an Hull City in 1975-76 when 20,476 attendance of over 10,000. The flocked to Belle Vue. a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 23
parallels with the Yeovil there existed a bond between the fans who regarded the two teams as the best ‘footballing’ teams in the Championship, although in truth perhaps the bond goes back even further to a terrific 1-1 draw between the two clubs in a Friday night match at the old Vetch Field in 2003-04. However the next season only one home league game saw an attendance of less than 10,000 - the visit of Swansea. These inadvertent ties happen to be even more uncanny for me personally, as they extend from football to my personal life. I was born in Swansea (where I still have family who actively support Swansea City) and grew up in Doncaster where family ties remain. My Irish wife has close family (who we visit regularly) in match were many as Rovers again lost 4-0 with Swansea going on to become champions and Doncaster subsequently promoted via the playoffs. Again Rovers fans were fulsome in their praise of the football played by Swansea, and like Yeovil
Yeovil who are also active supporters of their team. One final footnote – with many thanks to the poster on the VSC forum known as Draytonian III. He took me along to watch my new local team play – that would be Glentoran. Draytonian pointed out to me that I had missed another Rovers Irish player in my last article. We stood on the terraces in a ground reminiscent of Belle Vue, but with a magnificent iconic backdrop of the Belfast Harland and Wolfe shipyards with their two huge gantry cranes, and we watched Elliot Morris keep a clean sheet for the Glens – Elliot was on loan with us in our Conference days but never actually played a game.
Caveat - no figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all the official Rovers history by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/or Barry Watson.
BW
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24 | PS67 | December 2013 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
WILL THIS DKVDGJKG LSDJON SDNF VSJNFSVNSK THIS ISSUE: WHAT EARTH ARE SDKLFSDKFS FASJNSDFJDS SFNSDKJSF SDFJNSKFJ SEQUENTIA CAPITAL? Na then, how are yer? Gerrin’ cold lately int it? That’s why I liked being a goalkeeper you know; always got a long sleeve shirt and you could get away wi’ wearing gloves all the time too. Mind half these outfield players wear ‘em too nowadays. Not like in my day. Anyway, you’ve not come to this page to hear me bang on about the old days, no. Instead you’ve come here to have another one of life’s great mysteries explained for yer. Now, being a man of the people as I am, I’m always willing to make those complexities that are puzzling you simple to understand, so this issue I’ll be looking at Sequentia Capital. ‘What are they?’ I hear yers cry, well don’t worry yersen, its easy for Dennis. Sequentia Capital are one of many things you see. Some people say they are a Belize-based hedge fund, but I don’t buy that, primarily because the natural geography of Belize makes the growing of hedges particularly difficult you see. And so you’d never produce enough hedges to make millions off the back of. Easy for Dennis that one. So if they’re not Central American linear bush peddlers, who or what are they? Well that means that they must be option two which is an Irish-based consortium. This is not to be confused
with an Ireland based consortium, which would involve the regulation grammar that you and I use on a daily basis, but instead an Irishbased consortium as reported by the local press. What this is, is a group of people who have a lot of money, but short shrift for the sort of simple questions you might reasonably ask someone who turned up at your house willing to give you their wallet, like why are you doing this? Or what do you want from this? No Sequentia don’t want to answer questions, they just want to give money to the Rovers, and don’t want owt back, unless they make a profit, in which case whoever they actually are will want an unspecified cut of whatever constitutes a profit. Possibly. To secure this the group of individuals or duo or individual that is Sequentia Capital are willing to pay some money, no money or all the money up front depending on who you listen to, or what paper you read. So that’s that, the short answer to the question what is Sequentia Capital is pretty simple; even I don’t know. It isn’t even Easy for Dennis so I reckon we ought to tread warily. Still what do I know. Have a good Christmas lads and lasses.
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 25
TO LINDUM AND BACK CAN YOU REALLY HAVE TWO LOVES IN YOUR LIFE? ASKED CHRIS KIDD AHEAD OF HIS RECENT MARRIAGE It wasn’t love at first sight and it certainly took me a while to warm to things, but Rovers and I have been together now for a little over twenty years. Unfortunately I can’t quite remember exactly when I first set eyes on Belle Vue, the Town End turnstiles or Mike Jeffrey but like most relationships in life I know it was some point during the 1993/94 season. Saturdays were always fast paced back then; football training in the morning, a quick sandwich at lunch time whilst watching Football Focus and then off in the direction of town with my Dad for the afternoon match against someone like Torquay or Colchester. The uncovered terraces of the Town End could be quite brutal on a cold winter’s day, there was certainly no relief from driving rain or the extreme cold. Luckily I could keep warm by kicking a Coke bottle around pretending I was Gary Brabin that’s scoring not fighting. There always seemed to be a ‘happy go lucky’ sort of attitude amongst the grown-ups, who never seemed to expect any great run of results or to ever win anything come to think of it. I soon started to realise that supporting Donny Rovers wasn’t that cool; everyone at school wore
Manchester United, Liverpool and Sheffield Wednesday tops. They didn’t go that often, if at all, to watch games, but the Premier League was in its infancy and SKY had made it easy for Bob of Tickhill to watch and support Liverpool without getting anywhere near Merseyside. I wondered why Dad made me go and watch Doncaster Rovers when I could be sat at home in the warm house watching Chris Waddle and David Hirst. But we got through the tough times and eventually I started to realise that supporting your home town club is the correct thing to do. I used to try and impress my other half by asking my Dad for a shirt or scarf to show my allegiance; I even read up on everything Rovers in the programme. We’ve had a great relationship so far, sure it was hard in the nineties but the last decade has made it all worthwhile. So the question remains; how on earth do I let another partner into my life when I’m so happy in my current relationship? You see the Rovers relationship works. We don’t expect anything of each other, in fact most of the time I get away with seeing Rovers once every two weeks, ok sometimes it is Saturday followed by a Tuesday but that isn’t very often. International breaks often mean we get two weeks off from
26 | PS67 | December 2013 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
Chris and his first love enjoy a lovely day out together.
each other as well. Rovers don’t demand that I go to Meadowhall on a Sunday, or watch Emmerdale. It’s a casual setup really; sometimes I leave feeling quite happy and other times it can be quite disappointing. Entering into marriage seems like I’m betraying my first love. It won’t change anything; I will still be in the West Stand for home games, still in the Belle Vue bar at 2pm on Saturdays and still home by tea time in most cases. I’ve promised that I will always pack my Rovers shirt when I go on my summer holidays so that I’m still displaying that I’m in a happy relationship with my football club. And of course I will still be buying my season ticket as well; the ultimate display of affection. Hopefully our relationship will continue to prosper and whilst I show my loyalty through purchasing tickets and merchandise the Rovers will give me the occasional three points to display how grateful they are to me. The odd promotion would be greatly appreciated but it’s to be expected that a relegation will accompany these highs every now and again. What’s a relationship without measured highs and unbelievable lows? I remember
waking up the day after, possibly our greatest achievement together, Wembley, and being in a confused, sore-headed mess. I hadn’t felt much lower than that hangover; then I remembered Rovers had just beaten Leeds at Wembley to reach the Championship. Impossible lows superseded by never again achievable highs. We’ve had a shaky time just recently; there’s been a lot of insecurity, jealousy and lack of trust. I’m pretty sure we can come through the other side of it though. We might not get another decade like the last but you have to believe there are good times ahead. We’ve even had a new home for the past six years, it still needs some personal touches and often lacks atmosphere and can feel quite empty but it’s our home. My newer partner has visited my long-standing one. They seem to get on; she has begun embracing most things red and white, especially of the hooped variety. So time will tell if my double relationship works. It has done so for the previous five years, here’s to more to come. The day before you read these words, it all became official.
CJK
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 27
SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DANUM KEVIN PHELAN RECENTLY COMPARED ROVER TO HAMLET. HE’S MAD WE THOUGHT, BUT THEN WE READ SHAKESPEARE’S TEXT AGAIN AND DISCOVERED SOME SURPRISING PASSAGES But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad, Walks o’er the dew of Ricky Ravenhill Act I, Scene I Ham. The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. Hor. It is a nipping and an eager air. Why did we not invest in undersoil heating? Act I, Scene IV There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Tan are dreamt of in your philosophy. Though it is written that Rob Jones is able to name twice as many as that. Act I, Scene V Therefore since Rufus Brevett is the soul of wit. Act II, Scene I What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties! In form and moving, how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is Emile Sinclair? Act II, Scene II
Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t. Will you walk out just before kick-off at Oakwell my lord? Act II, Scene II Get thee to a Mark Duffy Act III, Scene I To be, or noty to be: that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune-West. Act III, Scene I The lady doth protest too much, methinks. For he was clearly active at the time the ball was play’d forwards. Act III, Scene II Dos thou come here to whine? Aye, for I hath purchas’d a season ticket. Act V, Scene I Alas, Sid Bycroft! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of inifinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath played at the back 504 times. Act V, Scene I
28 | PS67 | December 2013 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
The Donny Comet JAMIE OLIVER LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN TO SMUGLY ‘IMPROVE’ CONCOURSE FOOD
Smug self-centred lisping chef and noted prick Jamie Oliver today announced his latest self-centred stunt to patronise people who aren’t actually all that bothered what they eat. As a completely selfless act, which will be partnered by a six-episode TV series and lucrative recipe book deal, Oliver has vowed to improve the quality of food served from matchday kiosks at football matches. “It’s terrible,” Oliver told middleclass sycophants, “in some of these stadiums there are men who are willing to feed their children cheeseburgers or rollover hot-dogs which they’ve asked for. It’s as if they’ve never heard of quinoa drizzled in olive oil.” The tosser continued; “I spoke to some of these
people and they said, they were just grateful to get served before the second half kicked-off, while another told me, ‘fuck off will you, I’ve not had time for any tea’.” Oliver plans to introduce a new range of half-time snacks ditching pies and sausage rolls in favour of Panzella, a range of Tuscan flatbreads, and a light pea and pecorino salad. “Some of these people, who are too busy working or looking after their kids have never been patronised about what they eat,” said Oliver, “I’m here to end that. Fans remain unconvinced, with one telling popular STAND , “Bit rich int it? He makes a career out of lisping t’word ‘Pukka’ and then does away wi’ pies.”
ROVERS 1997-98 SQUAD SET TO REUNITE FOR O2 GIGS After the success of recent reunion tours for Take That and the Rolling Stones, the 1997-98 Rovers Squad have chosen to follow the trend and reunite for a series of concerts at London’s O2. The tour is the brainchild of the Esdaille Brothers, Darren and David, and will feature a number of other household unknowns. The group intend to play a collection of classic material including David Smith’s Out-of-his-Depth Sunday
League Goalkeeper routine, whilst a hologram of Danny Bergara will act out the infamous “If you don’t want to play for bloody Arsenal…” monologue. Other players returning for the gigs include Gary Finlay the human Oil Tanker, Prince Moncrieffe, and Wayne ‘who was he again?’ Dowell, whilst a dramatic finale will see Mark Weaver re-enact his great team-talks including the favourite “Laughing stock of the League” motivational talk. Tickets are selling slowly.
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2013 | PS67 | 29
BLOWING MY OWN TRUMPET EDITOR GLEN WILSON LOOKS AT ‘BANTER’, AND HOW IT’S ALLOWED ROBBIE SAVAGE TO THRIVE “Doncaster v Yeovil? Is that a football match is it? What divisions that then?” asks a man with a Tottenham Hotspur tattoo. This was the reaction I faced when looking for a London pub in which to watch last Friday night’s game. Yes it’s somewhat naive, a touch patronising even, but it was a step up from the laughter I’d been met with in the previous pub so I wasn’t too put out. In fact if being belittled by publicans is your bag then I can’t recommend a tour of SE10’s bars asking for nonPremier League football to be shown on their screens highly enough. You won’t be disappointed, well, not unless you do actually want to watch the game. I stopped playing along after pub number five by the way “What on earth would you want that on for?” “Schadenfreude”. I got to watch it in the end by the way, credit to The Lost Hour in Greenwich, and not just for being willing to stick the game on for me, but also for flying in the face of warnings against a drinking culture and ‘booze-Britain’ by running a loyalty card for ale. Your eighth pint is free. Less a loyalty card, more a challenge.
Anyway, there is a reason why noone could give me a straight answer. Why at first I had to be patronised and polarised as if I had not asked each and every one of those barmen to watch a football match, but had instead enquired whether I could defecate in the middle pocket of their pool table, or get it on with their display of Nobby Nuts. That reason is ‘banter’. Or as it is known in the capital where I currently reside; “Bantaaaahh, waheeeeeeyyyyyyy, bantaaaaaahhhhh, yeaaaahhhh, Banter of course used to mean witty repartee, or light hearted discussion, the sort of thing enjoyed in the billiards room whilst the women had been ostracised to the scullery to talk about knitting patterns and kittens whatever else the little darlings get up to. But now it’s become frankly mysoginistic and rude. ‘Bantaaaaaahhh’, or ‘Bants’ if we are to give it the parlance used by complete bell-ends has become a by-word for being a bit of a dick. It is an excuse to take the piss, a justification for being obnoxious or abusive, a reason to be as offensive as possible. That is the defence that people sadly use; banter as an excuse for ignoring boundaries, like an impressionist paint-bynumbers. “Did you threaten to kill Brian’s children whilst they slept?”
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“Yeah, but it were only a bit of banter weren’t it.” There are many people to blame for banter in its current form. Tim Lovejoy and his sycophantically guffawing, gurning production crew on Soccer AM can shoulder much of it, reducing female supporters to novelty eyecandy and generally degenerating the game into a series of crowd-sourced sound effects; Waheeeyyyyyy, Oii-oiiii, Yeaaahhhhh, Footbaaaallllll. And where they led, their efforts have been continued apace by advertising executives who bracket football fans into one neat target demographic pigeon-hole which no doubt has the subheading ‘laaaaaaaddddsssss’. It’s more than twenty years since Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch came out. In it Hornby commented on how a colleague of his refused to believe he watched football because they’d once had a conversation about a feminist novel. “You like football? Then you also like soul music, beer, thumping people, grabbing ladies’ breasts, and money,” wrote Hornby of the way people automatically categorised football fans. More than two decades on ad execs are still doing that. You like football? Then you’re a lad, and you like lager, and birds, and the Premier League and the pub and being swept up in all the hype, and you’ll paint a St George cross on your face every other summer. Football fans place emotion and ‘passion’ over reason, as such they can’t cope with intelligent discussion, so in its place comes banter. It doesn’t matter how much you know, or what you know, just so long as you have
an opinion on it. Arsenal never win anything. Manchester United fans are plastic, as any Chelsea fan from Luton or Stevenage will gladly tell you. It’s all about the banter. As a result we have reached the point where Robbie Savage is not only a pundit, but the pundit who appears on national television the most. A man with nothing worthwhile to say, saying everything all of the time, a constant stream of opinionated clichéd bollocks that offers an insight into the mindset of a professional footballer in the same was as an episode of Bottom sensitively tackles the issues of a domestic violence. No insight, no thought, and all the subtlety of a brick, covered in luminous paint, beneath a forty foot neon sign that reads ‘Look at this f***ing luminous brick!’ It does not matter that Savage has nothing to say of any substance, just so long as he continues to say something. The epitome of the talking head. He is banter personified. A dig at Lawro’s goatee here, a ‘what was he thinking’ there, a ‘what a shocking shirt’ every now and again. Cheque in the bank. Same time tomorrow. For as long as people are willing to bracket football fans as unthinking, unwavering goons who are watching the game with a can of lager in one hand and Nuts magazine in the other, we will be thrown shit like this. People will continue to mock us for not ditching our home town for the team on the telly, and televised sport will continue to give us opinion and talking points over actual pointed talking. Still, only banter inn’it.
GW
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SEASONS IN RETROSPECT CONTINUING HIS LOOK BACK AT ROVERS’ 1974-75 SEASON RAY JEST TAKES US THROUGH OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER Having risen to 11th in mid September Rovers form has deserted them as they head into October. Maurice Setters men are out of the League Cup and have picked up just one point from their last three games. OCTOBER Rovers were on their travels again the following Saturday when they went west to Sealand Road the home of Chester. Goals from Loska, James and Draper sealed a 3-0 win for Chester who had begun season 1974-75 as the only club in the league too have never won promotion. By now Rovers were once again perilously close to the basement of the division and a home game against Brentford was seen by many as a must win fixture. Having not won for six games, a 2-1 victory over Brentford brought much needed relief to the Doncaster camp. The score-line did not really do Rovers justice as time after time they missed chances to put the game to bed. Robert Lee gave Rovers the start they needed with a fine header only 2 minutes into the game but poor finishing and Rovers old failing of letting opponents back into the game saw Brentford equalise through Simmons in the 20th minute. After the interval Rovers once again took charge of affairs and were rewarded when Woolgar restored their lead.
It was a much needed win, but with only 3 points between themselves and the bottom team in the league Rovers were still in a very precarious position. A Yorkshire derby against Bradford City at Valley Parade followed, but Rovers once again failed on their travels, going down 2-0. Goals from Hutchins and Ham giving the victory to the hosts, whilst the poor display from the Rovers was bad enough to prompt the reporter in the Telegraph and Argus to rate them as the worst team he had seen at Bradford that season. Doncaster’s season would now go from bad to worse, as from the ten points on offer in the next five fixtures Rovers would take only three. They began those five matches with back to back home games at Belle Vue, but in the first could only manage a 2-2 draw against Lincoln City. After falling behind to an 8th minute goal from Symm, strikes from Lee and then Kitchen had put Doncaster in the lead, but Graham grabbed a late equaliser for Lincoln in the match watched by 2,034.
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In the following game against Darlington, Rovers capitulated completely. The Quakers took a 9th minute lead through Young and although Rovers equalised in the 24th minute through Murray the old failings were still there as they allowed Darlington to steamroller them into submission. Gaols from Sinclair and Young completed Rovers afternoon of misery along with the 1,549 attendance. A boost would come in Rovers next fixture though with their first away win of the season chalked up at Workington’s Borough Park thanks to goals from Kitchen, O’Callaghan and Higgins. Sadly the positivity was not to last as Rovers’ next two games were both lost.
NOVEMBER First came a long trip to Torquay United, and at half time at Plainmoor Rovers were still in the game but down to 10 men; Steve Uzelac having been sent off for an ugly tackle just before half time. Torquay’s Parker has also committed an ugly foul on Irvine that saw Irvine have to be carried off but Parker wasn’t even booked, and as if to rub salt into the injury it was he who scored both Torquay’s goals after 47 and 52 minutes to win the game. Rovers returned to Belle Vue for a game against high flying Shrewsbury Town; the visitors unbeaten in their previous nine away games, would prove too strong
a side for Rovers. The Shrews took the lead in the 8th minute through Bates. Rovers rallied and in the 49th minute O’Callaghan equalised. But Shrewsbury were not to be denied and Haywood struck in the 67th and 71st minutes to tie up the game. Try as they may there was no way back for the hosts. On the road again Rovers were thrashed 4-0 at Lincoln City’s Sincil Bank and were now in the dreaded bottom four and looking down the barrel of Re-election once more. Therefore it came as no great surprise when on the 15th November 1974 the Board of Directors announced that Maurice Setters had been suspended from his post as Manager. John Quigley was chosen to take over as caretaker manager until a replacement could be found. Quigley’s first game in charge was to be a real baptism of fire against the league leaders Mansfield Town at their Field Mill ground. Undaunted, Rovers galloped into a 2-0 lead with goals from Higgins and Curran, running the game for the first 30 minutes. Then the old frailties started to appear. A hat trick for Ray Clarke and goals from Eccles and Bird completed a come-back rout for The Stags. The following Saturday Rovers travelled to Oswestry Town in the first round proper of the FA Cup, a welcome break from the league, but as it proved no respite from ill fortune. Firstly on the journey to Shropshire three players were physically sick on the coach and several others complained of
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feeling unwell. That was problem No1. Problem No2 was when the part timers equalised Brendan O’Callaghan’s 7th minute opener. Jackie Price a 24 year old factory inspector collected a through ball and put it past Brown in the Rovers goal. Thankfully for Rovers Kitchen scored a brace in the second half to ensure victory, but it had not been an easy passage to the second round. In the League Rovers were 3rd from bottom with only 13 points on the
board. Directly below them were Scunthorpe a point behind on 12 points and Workington propped up the table with 9 points. That points tally would not differ following Rovers’ trip to promotion chasing Reading; two goals from Dick Habbin giving the Elm Park side victory. Habbin will be a familiar name to Rovers fans, he featured prominently for Rotherham for the following two seasons before eventually signing for Doncaster in 1977 playing 60 games and scoring 12 goals.
RJ
How will the rest of the 1974-75 season pan out for Maurice Setters and the Rovers? Find out in Issue 68 of popular STAND (or, you know, look in a history book, this is a retrospective after all).
The Donny Comet Extra
STEVE EVANS TO BE OPENED UP FOR PUBLIC USE Cash-strapped Rotherham Council have announced that in an effort to boost commerce in the struggling South Yorkshire ghetto, Millers manager Steve Evans will be opened up for public use during December.
as the view from atop of Evans, there are plans for a cafeteria and eatery in the cellulite cavities of his left thigh, whilst a children’s soft play area will be situated within the natural crease of Evans’ back fat.
The colossal monument will lie in Bridgegate in the centre of the town centre up until Christmas, in an attempt to draw shoppers away from Meadowhall and back to the town’s ‘myriad of 99p stores and Christmas card factory outlets’.
It is hoped that the display will also provide valuable income for town centre businesses with the local Superdrug set to benefit as the Council plunders their eyeliner stock ready to give Evans a fresh coat for the holidays.
Shoppers will have the opportunity to scale Evans gut for a rare glimpse of the panorama taking in Thrybergh Steel Works and Greaseborough roundabout. As well
The cost to visit Evans is advertised at £3, but you’ll have to slip an additional £2 in Evans’ inside pocket. No questions asked. You understand?
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