EDITORIAL I’m not really sold on the book I‘m currently reading. It was recommended by a friend, so I’m giving it a fair go, but I’m 117 pages in and struggling to empathise with either characters or author. The main protagonist is from Yorkshire, but lives in London, but every reference to her life in Yorkshire is made as if written for a middle-class London audience. It’s cliched, dismissive to the point of patronisation, and I can’t get past it. Nor, given that the author is from and lives in Yorkshire, can I begin to understand it.
I mention both these things as they felt representative of a wider trait. A want to other an aspect of the wider world we inhabit as being somehow inferior. For those absolute lads laughing at Huddersfield, take the lines in the book; ‘I’d eaten worse in Yorkshire’ or ‘she refuses to wear a hearing aid - “people will say I’m an alien if I go round wi’ bits of wire coming out of my head” – actually in Kippax, they might’. Bless their inferior analogue ways, their colloquial sayings and the fact they don’t have ludicrous sums to chuck ludicrously and some big name with ludicrous wage demands.
Last month I was on a train from London to Nottingham. It was the Saturday morning of the Trent Bridge test match, and with each stop the train filled with groups of blokes and beer-coolers. On a table nearby one set of lads were going through a newspaper’s pre-season supplement, and duly began laughing uproariously at the fact that prior to this summer Huddersfield Town’s record transfer fee paid was only the £1.8million they spent on Christopher Schindler.
Last week I had cause to go into a London branch of a High Street bank to chase up the fanzine’s latest statement. Speaking with the teller, he asked what the account was for. On finding out, he duly asked ‘So do you support a big Premier League club as well then?’ I shook my head and asked who is team was ‘I’m West Ham’ he said, and so I couldn’t help myself. ‘Do you support a big Premier League club as well?’ I asked.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE 5 9 10 13 14 16 18 20 22
The Bernard Glover Diaries Coach’s Corner The Fan Panel Memorable Memorabilia Go Away! Marshall Matters For Peat’s Sake Definitive Rovers XI of 21st Century Lazarus Comes Forth
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24 26 28 29 30 32 34 36 38
Voice of the Pop Side Howard’s Marks Football On Your Doorstep Remembering the First Time Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind Reg Ipsa
Of course, some people do. After all it’s an inherent trait of our adolescence to want to fit in, so there’ll be a number of you reading this now who supported a Premier League team in the playground, hung onto that in later life, but still turn up at the Keepmoat for every home game. I’ve no problem with that. But I do resent the assumption that I must do, and the notion that somehow the football we watch isn’t the real thing.
It’s easy, as a Premier League fan, I suspect, to scoff at the idea of heading down the local market to see your players, rather than watching a stream of them facing off with Paris St Germain in Beijing. But, which would you rather your club was doing? Getting to know the town that they are often the foremost representatives of, or pitching up overseas to patronise a country’s own football offering, by proclaiming that you’re giving them access to something they wouldn’t normally get to see?
All this is, as I’m sure you’re aware, absolute bollocks. If anything it’s more real than ever before, particularly when viewed through our eyes, rather than as the image projected upon it by those who see a club’s drop from the Premier League as the same as an Eastenders character’s move away from Albert Square. For relegation read ‘moving to Manchester’, never shall they be seen again.
So, whilst the Premier League considers to spend its summers promoting colonialism through sport - flaunting its riches and cementing its self-promotion whilst pretending to care - like a kid from Eton on a gap year - forgive me if I scoff in their direction instead. Keep your cash cows give me a club captain trying to sell half a pound of beef mince to a confused shopper from Sprotborough.
The past month has seen the majority of Premier League teams decamp overseas to play in preseason ‘tournaments’ and ‘trophies’. Subjecting their players to thousands of miles of travel, unseasonably high heat, and matches against players who they’ll have to face all over again in just a few weeks’ time.
Save a dramatic change in fortune, or the discovery of oil – or a fidget spinner mine – under Cantley Park, we’ll never be in a position to attract players whose sole motivation is making more money. But then, why should we want to? This is our town, our team, and our way of doing things. I’d rather have a committed bunch of lads, who get what it means to us, and are happy to try and flog fish in the town centre, than a bored baller who nutmegs a full-back every sixth Saturday.
Last Friday the Rovers squad spent the day down Doncaster Market; a local club in a local town, meeting local people – kicking a ball about with local kids, amusing local shoppers by trying to sell local products from local stalls.
Money can’t buy the former, which is all the more reason to revel in it. 4
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES SUMMER LOVIN’ HAPPENED SO FAST, SO BEST CATCH UP WITH IT ALL HERE SATURDAY 29 APRIL ROVERS 1-3 EXETER CITY
SATURDAY 6 MAY HARTLEPOOL UNITED 2-1 ROVERS
A frustrating afternoon at the Keepmoat, which served to further peel the gloss from what, despite the prevailing mood, had been an emphatic promotion season. It took just quarter of an hour for play-off chasing Exeter to take the lead, but where there is a number 26 on the field there’s always hope; and midway through the half Rovers levelled. Luke McCullough’s pin point cross-field pass picking out Tommy Rowe and his chip into the area was volleyed in at the far post by who else but James Coppinger.
Behold the most muted promotion celebrations you’ve ever known as Rovers complete the incomparable feat of managing to finish third in what had seemed a one-horse race. Things were going well enough at half-time; Andy Williams’ opportunistic strike in a congested six-yard box had Rovers in front. But Hartlepool, needing both a win here and defeat for Newport, spent the second-half on a desperate offensive that ultimately swung the match back their way with Devante Rodney capitalising on some absentee defending to find the net twice.
Sadly, that’d be as bright as things got as on the hour City were awarded a penalty. Ian Lawlor did all he could; saving not only the spot-kick, but the follow-up as well, only for David Wheeler to tuck in the second rebound.
Things, however, didn’t go Hartlepool’s way at Rodney Parade. Newport defeated Notts County, ‘Pools were down regardless, and at full-time the prevailing mood from all corners was one of empty frustration.
Darren Ferguson went for broke. Coppinger, despite being the one-man you sensed might have the nous to get the ball down and change things, was withdrawn and in his place the manager threw on three more forwards; a move that seemed destined to bring goals; though to which side?
TUESDAY 9 MAY Andy Williams is the one real surprise name on the list as Rovers announce their unretained players for 2017-18. The striker is to be made available for transfer along with Ross Etheridge, Cedric Evina, Mitchell Lund and Harry Middleton, whilst Paul Keegan, Gary McSheffrey and Aaron TaylorSinclair are all to be released as their contracts come to an end.
The answer was Exeter; who wrapped things up with a third goal five minutes from time. The home ends duly emptied; a downbeat end the Keepmoat’s season didn’t deserve. 5
Conor Grant returns to Everton following his loan, with a permanent move unlikely to be sought. However, another of last year’s loanees will be returning; Niall Mason joins the club permanently from Aston Villa for an undisclosed fee.
FRIDAY 16 JUNE Some actual news, as Rovers complete the signing of 21-year-old forward Alex Kiwomya. Typical of young talent hoovered up by the top sides, Kiwomya has never made an appearance for his actual club, Chelsea, but has impressed in loan spells, notably at Crewe last season Elsewhere Rovers have been drawn away at Bradford City in the first round of the Carabao Cup (an energy drink apparently, before you ask). Given the draw was regionalised and seeded we should just be glad it wasn’t Leeds again.
THURSDAY 1 JUNE It seems the question of ‘How do you solve a problem like left-back?’ may finally have been resolved as Rovers sign Danny Andrew from Grimsby on a two-year deal. The full-back, who made 50 appearances for the Mariners last season had been with Darren Ferguson at Peterborough in the past. ‘He gives us a left foot that we missed this season,’ says Ferguson, which might explain why our defence often looked to be moving in confused circles.
WEDNESDAY 21 JUNE Andy Williams will definitely be off soon if the no-nonsense headline of The Star is to be believed; ‘Ferguson hopeful of Williams departure this week’ it proclaimed, as the manager continues his efforts to shepherd the forward out the door as if he were the last guest at a house party.
WEDNESDAY 7 JUNE If desperate local newspaper coverage of nothing much happening is your bag, then I heartily recommend turning to their football pages in early June. Today’s was a belter as The Doncaster Star tried gallantly to string out some token soundbites from Ferguson about younger players having a future and being older the following season into something approaching a story.
THURDAY 22 JUNE Midfielder Ben Whiteman joins the club on a six-month loan deal from Sheffield United, having impressed with Mansfield in League Two last season. ‘Ben’s got a good size which is important,’ says Ferguson with a wink, still angling after that Carry On gig.
‘With the young players, sometimes they go away for the summer and they come back as men,’ Ferguson told The Star, ‘You see a big change in them’ as if Will Longbottom and Alfie Beestin have been off inter-railing around Europe where they had a deep latenight conversation with a German philosophy student over a bag of weed in a Budapest hostel.
TUESDAY 27 JUNE Andy Williams might not be leaving after all. ‘We’re waiting on whether he is here or not,’ the manager tells The Star, ‘But I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again it won’t be the end of the world if he ends up staying,’ says Ferguson, for the first time. 6
One forward who definitely is at the club this week is Chris Brown, having been spotted by saddos with nowt better to do eagle-eyed supporters, in photos of training sessions. However, it’s soon explained this is only a training agreement. More remarkably than that, Brown is only 32.
FRIDAY 30 JUNE
ALFIE MAY
Andy Williams comes off the transfer list having impressed in training, thus ending one of the shortest and least interesting summer transfer sagas. ‘His quality is proven and he has a great scoring record in League One, so I am really happy he will be staying with the squad and helping us on and off the pitch,’ says Ferguson, suggesting all he said last week was actually an attempt at reverse psychology. Two questions prevail; has it worked for a player who needs to be confident to perform? And what is it he does off the pitch that’s so helpful? Collect the cones? Drive the bus?
In Nando’s, treating his girlfriend to some Friday night chicken. @MikeSFollows
JOHN MARQUIS
In the ASDA at Lakeside, early July, doing a big shop. The point at which I knew he was re-signing. No-one does a big shop if they’re about to move. @Louis_Bailey_
TOMMY ROWE
On the 14.42 TransPennine service out of Doncaster after a goalscoring night against Derby. @DRFC_ITEN
TUESDAY 4 JULY
RICKY RAVENHILL
With his family, on the same flights to and from Menorca as me. @nigelwalkden
Mitchell Lund completes a threefold full-back exodus by joining Morecambe on a season-long loan. He follows Cedric Evina – also on a season-long loan, to Crawley – and Aaron Taylor-Sinclair out the door. Taylor-Sinclair stays in League One with a move to Plymouth, telling The Herald ‘I’ve definitely got a massive point to prove… I’ve got to prove a lot of people wrong’. Say what you want about ATS but he can deliver a decent understatement. Meanwhile Ross Etheridge’s pursuit of the title ‘unluckiest man in football’ is ramped up a notch as he breaks an ankle in training.
JAN BUDTZ
Playing pool with the chaps at Fit Rovers @Louis_Bailey_
JOHN MARQUIS
In Nando’s ordering a takeaway, and was particularly careful when putting the lid on his peri-peri sauce. @jmsbthp Seen a current or ex Rovers player out and about? Tweet the details to @vivarovers and it could feature in issue 90 of the ‘zine. 7
The Rovers side at Tadcaster also included three trialists; former Crystal Palace midfielder Reise Allassani, exNottingham Forest youngster Charlie Jemson and Issam Ben Khemis of Lorient, or ‘the young French boy’ as Ferguson labels the Tunisian.
FRIDAY 7 JULY Press reports suggest that John Marquis has rejected a contract offer and could be about to leave, with Bristol City and Ipswich duly sliding into his DMs. Meanwhile, Luke McCullough has got a knock. ‘It’s fine,’ insists Ferguson, much in the same way someone with a powerdrill climbing a wobbly ladder in the opening scene of a Casualty episode might insist nothing could possibly go wrong. ‘He just needed a bit of rest… we could really do with him back as he’s missed enough time as it is’.
TUESDAY 18 JULY ROVERS 1-1 DERBY COUNTY Rovers become the latest club to do one of those terrible new-signing videos, as somewhere behind some shonky camera work and inexplicable Doctor Who sound effects John Marquis emerges onto the Keepmoat turf to sign a new three-year deal. Ipswich and Bristol City duly make it known that they never liked him anyway, and he’s a right slag, and Rovers are welcome to him. In better use of the pitch, Rovers earn a credible draw with a decent Derby side; Tommy Rowe scoring the equaliser in an impressive second half performance. Former Newcastle centre-back Steven Taylor recently let go by Ipswich - played the first-half for Rovers, and post-match Ferguson makes it clear that Rovers are keen to sign him permanently.
TUESDAY 11 JULY ARMTHORPE WELFARE 0-9 ROVERS Look out League One! We’re back! We’re coming for you! Rovers stick nine goals in the Armthorpe net and a sizable amount of money in the Welfare coffers in the annual community friendly. Liam Mandeville grabbed a hat-trick, James Coppinger a brace, whilst Tommy Rowe, Andy Williams, John Marquis and Ben Whiteman all found the net too. However, it wasn’t all goals and lollipops, as Luke McCullough sustained a knee injury that’s likely to put him out for several months. Who could’ve seen that coming?
SATURDAY 22 JULY GUISELEY 0-1 ROVERS ‘Very little to excite, it was very much a practise match for the sake of it and not for the fans or on-lookers,’ bemoaned an angry VSC forum user, furious this pre-season friendly was played in the spirit of a pre-season friendly. Liam Mandeville grabbed another goal in this win over the side managed by former Rovers duo Adam Lockwood and Dave Penney. Ferguson’s line-up again contained trailists, including Issam Ben Khemis, who looks likely to sign for the club.
SATURDAY 15 JULY TADCASTER ALBION 0-2 ROVERS Darren Ferguson’s masterstroke in releasing Gary McSheffrey and replacing him with Gary McSheffrey pays off as the former and current midfielder volleys in Rovers’ opener; Mandeville netting the other goal. .
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MONDAY 24 JULY Club president Dick Watson passes away at the age of 75. Watson had made his fortune in construction, establishing Keepmoat with Terry Bramall. He joined the club’s board of directors in 2006, going on to become club president following John Ryan’s departure. A man who certainly helped steady Rovers ship off the field and always had the club’s best interests at heart, he will most certainly be missed.
, COACH S CORNER!
With no summer football in town. The Coach took a trip to the tennis
GO ON NOW, TEE IT UP AND GIVE IT, THAT’S IT… NOO, YOU’VE JUST WHACKED IT IN TO SPACE… YOU NEED TO FIND A MAN. OK, WE GO AGAIN! WE GO AGAIN! …OK FIND A MAN THIS TIME! OK, TEE IT UP AGAIN, MURRAY-Y. TEE IT UP AND GIVE IT… NOT TO HIM… HE’S… GOOD INTERCEPTION, NOW…. NOOOOOOO… WELL WON BACK, NOW JUST… NO, KEEP HOLD OF IT MAN… GOOD JOB HE’S AS USELESS IN POSSESSION AS YOU ARE…. OK THIS TIME MURRAY-Y KEEP HOLD OF IT. USE IT... USE IT... NOOOOO… YOU’RE GIVING IT AWAY EVERY TIME… KEEP HOLD OF THE BLOODY THING… TAKE A TOUCH MAN, FOR GOD’S SAKE! OK, HOLD IT THIS TIME, HOLD IT, THAT’S IT... DON’T... NOOOOOOO! EVERY BLOODY TIME... WHAT? ...WHAT DO YOU MEAN QUIET PLEASE? IT’S A BLOODY SPORTS MATCH! RIGHT, THIS TIME, USE THE SPACE AND DON’T JUST WHACK IT INTO... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
WEDNESDAY 26 JULY ROVERS 1-1 SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY More a case of an encouraging performance than a disappointing result as Rovers largely matched the Championship opponents. Liam Mandeville was again the Rovers scorer, equalising before the break. Wednesday’s goals will have given some concern though, both happening behind a momentary static defence – something that Rovers struggled to iron out of their game last season. If the pursuit of Steven Taylor was an attempt to address that, then it’s not good news as he signed for Peterborough United earlier in the week. However, reports in the Bradford press suggest former Rover Gordon Greer is set to choose a return to Doncaster over joining the Bantams. Ferguson though is playing the link down, telling The Star, ‘I’m probably going to go with the defenders that we’ve got. Things can change of course’ Conclusive.
SATURDAY 29 JULY CHEDTERFIELD 4-0 ROVERS Could be a long season, this. 9
THE FAN PANEL RATHER THAN MAKE OUR OWN WAYWARD PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEW SEASON, WE ASKED SOME OTHER FANS We’re always keen to give a platform to fresh voices in popular STAND, so rather than turn to the same miserly doom-laden sods whose words fill the rest of this fanzine for season predictions, we thought we’d ask some other folk.
Rob: You know things haven’t gone according to plan in pre-season when one striker is transfer listed then brought in from the cold, and the other signing a new contract is treated as if he’s a new signing. Add to that the fact our best player in pre-season, Gary McSheffrey, isn’t actually on the books after being released and it is all a bit worrying. Taking all that account I’ll say 12th after a terrible start.
Here, in our first fan panel, are the thoughts of a quintuplet of Rovers fans – Shane Maughan, Steve Matthews, Jenny Audsley, Adam Stubbings, and Rob Johnson – on the season ahead.
Who do you think will be our key player?
Go on then, where do you think we’ll finish this season?
Shane: Liam Mandeville. If he can kick on, take the promise he showed last season and turn it into real results, he could go a long way. It’s his choice; hard work could turn him into a championship level player, or he could be the next Waide Fairhurst.
Shane: I think we’ll be comfortably mid-table. We’ll get excited by our early form but settle in to a traditional end of season slump. Steve: Mid-table mediocrity. We’ll score less than last season and concede many more. Oh, I’m a pessimist by the way.
Steve: The defence worries me a lot so I suppose Ian Lawlor could be a good shout. I’m sure Tommy Rowe will continue his fine form from last season. He’s a big player. Yes, ok, that’s two players.
Jenny: My head says mid-table, I don’t think we have the strength in depth to challenge for promotion this season.
Jenny: John Marquis. I feel like we have plenty of creativity in midfield and we’ll need Marquis to be in form to put the chances away.
Adam: I think we have a squad more than capable of finishing mid-table, around 12th if we avoid any injury crisis. 10
Adam: Under Ferguson, we’ll live and die by how many goals we score. If John Marquis is firing that’ll go a long way towards success in the league. Rob: Something tells me John Marquis won’t be as free scoring in League One so Tommy Rowe needs to continue to contribute. He was consistently our best attacking player last season and with James Coppinger another year older, Rowe is under even more pressure.
Is there an area you think the squad is lacking in? Shane: We’re still lacking at the back. A quality, quick centre back, whoever that may be, to partner Andy Butler. Mathieu Baudry is looking a little injury prone, so cover for him is essential. Steve: Defensively, no doubt about it. No team will be as clumsy at the back as Rovers. Jenny: Defence. I thought it was a weak area last season and aside from Danny Andrews, we haven’t added that much quality. Adam: Defence, unquestionably. We don’t look much better than last year in this area, and one big injury could leave us threadbare. Rob: Definitely centre-back. We needed a new central defender even before Mathieu Baudry’s unfortunate injury, but now it’s vital. Losing out on Steven Taylor was a blow and something has to be sorted soon.
What do you think of the new kits? Shane: It looks a bit like someone has had two good ideas for a shirt and mashed them together into one half-arse one. The away one isn’t too bad, but our fans walking round with Virgin written across their chests is going to be jumped on by every kid that thinks telling you your team’s tin-pot is top banter. Steve: Home kit isn’t bad and, if we feature on Sky Sports, at least Andy Hinchcliffe will be able to read the squad numbers. The less said about the away kit the better. It’s dreadful. Jenny: I like the away shirt more than the home, but I’m fairly indifferent to them. Adam: I’m not a fan. The hoops are all wrong, and what are those shoulder bands all about? Away kit shades it. Rob: I don’t take any notice to be honest. I’m assuming the home shirt has remained pretty much unchanged and the away kit is either smart or disgusting.
Andy Butler being interviewed in the new hate it or just tolerate it Rovers home kit. 11
Which away day are you most looking forward to?
And, which away ground are you least looking forward to?
Shane: Looking forward to Charlton away. We still owe them one for the abandonment down at their place. Also, on a personal note, as I live in Germany, this will be my first away game.
Shane: Not going, never been, never will. But MK Dons. Symbolic of everything wrong with English football; a move motivated by money not football. Because of that I’ll never go to the place.
Steve: It pains me to say it but Rotherham as I’m yet to visit the New York stadium.
Steve: Bloody Oldham. Why, oh why, did Sheridan have to keep them up? It’s in late April too so has potential to be the most depressing, meaningless game of the season.
Jenny: Blackburn; I love the buzz of the first away day, plus a good friend of mine supports them so we’ll make a day of it.
Jenny: To be honest I’m not looking forward to that many away games. A strange answer I know, but I’m due to give birth to the next generation of Rovers fan in the winter and am a little gutted this will massively reduce the away games I get to!
Adam: Blackburn first up, a great early test for us. After that it has to be our first league visit to Rotherham’s new ground. Rob: The first trip to the New York Stadium. If it’s to be a season of consolidation the local rivalries are brought into even sharper focus. Beating Rotherham would help cement Fergie’s reputation.
Adam: Oldham. We can’t seem to escape them any year. It’ll probably still rain even in April. Rob: I won’t be visiting, but while ever MK Dons retain that suffix they will always be an aberration.
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MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA NICK CLARKE SHARES THE FRAMED SHIRT THAT FOLLOWED HIM ROUND THE WORLD It was a framed shirt signed by the squad. Ian had arranged it all, and had even stood behind for an age following the Birmingham game the previous week in order to get all the signatures.
Prior to emigrating for Australia, I had worked at the club as a member of the matchday staff for 18 years, as a steward, senior steward and turnstile operator. The last game before my departure was on Tuesday 18 March, 2009 against Reading – a match we lost 2-0 if memory serves me right.
For once in my life I was lost for words - and those who know me will know just how extremely rare an occurrence that is. Steve took some great photos and put one in a signed card which I now display alongside the shirt in my man cave, here in Oz. I was then interviewed by the match announcer about all the years I’d followed Rovers from my first game against Arsenal reserves in 1971, before traipsing back over to the East Stand, treasured shirt in tow, to see out the game.
Just before half-time I was called over to the West Stand, and I congratulated Reading boss Steve Coppell as this was his 1,000th game as a manager. Soon after I was summoned onto the pitch, and followed on by this large object with a cover over it. Next thing I know, the late Steve Uttley is coming towards me with his camera, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and followed by the match announcer. Ian Otley, who I’d been best mates with since High School then removed the cover from the object and presented it to me.
It was a really emotional moment, but was still nothing compared to the following Saturday at Coventry, when I said goodbye to so many supporters who’d become great friends; they even got a message on the Coventry scoreboard for me which was a bit of a shock, but appreciated. I’ve been back a couple of times – for a run of games in 2011, and for mum’s funeral in 2013 – but for now I have to make do with listening to the games in the early hours of a Sunday morning, cheering on the boys from beneath this framed shirt. My own connection between Queensland and the Keepmoat. 13
GO AWAY! NEW SEASON, NEW AWAY DAYS. HERE’S OUR GUIDE TO THREE OF ROVERS’ EARLY SEASON ROAD TRIPS Blackburn cemented itself at the heart of the textile industry with local lad James Hargreaves’ invention of the spinning jenny. In the late 1700s multiple spinning mills were built in the town, though as these tended to send the machinists dizzy, they reverted to static mills in the 1780s. More recently, the actor Ian McShane, of Lovejoy fame, was born in the town, a place he still holds dear to his heart as shown in his ardent support of the football team… Manchester United.
Blackburn Rovers Ewood Park 12 August
A town of 4,000 pot-holes and a fair number of empty mills, Blackburn has a bit more to shout about when it comes to football. It’s fair to say their three league titles, six FA Cups and a League Cup really do shit on our Johnstone’s Paint Trophy and back to back Minster Carpets Cup wins. Now they’re stuck in the third tier with the rest of us plebs, just two decades after lifting the Premier League trophy aloft. Of course the Premier League was different back then, wasn’t just about having shed loads of money, no, as Blackburn proved, it could also be about local pride and home town boys made good… and having a shed loads of money.
What’s the ground like? Ewood Park, was substantially redeveloped in the 1990s, and as such boasts three big shiny metal people accommodators and one proper football stand, the Riverside Stand which has pillars in the way, and a load of seats out in the pissing Lancashire rain. Sadly we’re not in that one.
Blackburn’s 1990s resurgence was financed by millionaire Jack Walker, who, like other football owners at the time – Ken Booth at Rotherham and George Reynolds at Darlington – made his money in metal and bought into his local club. However, unlike those other two, he wasn’t a complete chancer.
AFC Wimbledon Kingsmeadow 26 August
The internet, this fanzine, Barack Obama’s youngest daughter - all things that have existed longer than AFC Wimbledon. The phoenix club was formed in just 2002, set up in protest at the then proposed relocation of Wimbledon FC to Milton Keynes. Since then the Dons, have racked up six promotions; meanwhile in that tim, the fanzine has standardised the font we use on the inside pages.
What’s it famous for? Milling about; Blackburn was a boomtown of the Industrial Revolution, during which the town saw such rapid growth and development, that they’ve since seen it apt to take a break from progress for the last century or so. 14
Mind, it was a different world back then; if you wanted anything you had to be prepared to criss-cross the country for it? ‘Weather’s getting colder, you couldn’t nip to Yeovil and get us some gloves could you? Oh and on the way back, swing by Wycombe and get us a knew chair for the scullery’. ‘Sorry, I can’t, the horse needs a new saddle, and so I won’t be back from Walsall ‘til Tuesday week.’
What’s it famous for? The writer Peter York described Wimbledon as ‘a southern, well off, late-Victorian suburb with a particular social character.’ In short, not for the likes of me and you, and that’s particularly true when the tennis is on. Perhaps the only sporting event where the players have to adhere to a dress code, the Wimbledon Championships are as British as 1950s Britain gets. Wimbledon is also known for its Wombles; odd looking creatures that appear when no-one lese is about to collect the litter on the Underground and the Overground they’re not to be confused with TfL cleaning contractors.
As an aside, I once went to watch Rovers at Northampton in pre-Google maps days, and on arrival at the train station realised I had no idea where Sixfields was. Spotting a bloke in a Northampton Town scarf leaving the train station, I decided to follow him; a good mile I traipsed after him, before he eventually turned into a gate, took out his keys and went in his front door.
What’s the ground like? Small, compact, basic, glorious. And it’s got a terrace, a proper terrace, with dugouts in your view and everything. What more could you want from a football ground, other than say it’s lease owners not unsurping its original inhabitant club and leaving them homeless by selling it to Chelsea.
What’s it famous for? Northampton is famous for testing lifts – you can see why they prefer to trade on the comparative glamour and glitz of the shoe trade. There’s a whacking great 130m tall concrete tower in the centre of the town that was built purely for testing lifts, in which the joy at knowing your particular model could ascend to the top, was surely shortlived as you realised this merely gave you a view of more of Northampton.
Northampton Town Sixfields Stadium 9 September
The coolest of all the hamptons, having been named after Kanye West’s son North, the town somehow managed to thrive on the back of the myth that only they really knew how to make shoes. You can’t help but admire the sheer balls that takes; to put your tiny town out there as the sole provider of footwear, for all mankind. More than three centuries it was before anyone rumbled the chancers, and realised that you didn’t have to be anywhere near the Nene to put together a moccasin.
What’s the ground like? Standard breezeblock and steel mid 90s out-of-town affair, distinguished from others built at the time only by the fact its plastic seats are maroon. Still, if you don’t fancy handing over twenty-odd quid for the privilege you could always watch two thirds of the action from the whacking great grass bank behind the home end. For the half you can’t see the goal Rovers are trying to defend, it’s probably the best seat in the house. 15
MARSHALL MATTERS THINK NO-ONE HAS PLAYED MORE ROVERS GAMES THAN JAMES COPPINGER? ROB MARSHALL SUGGESTS OTHERWISE They were scored in ‘a league’, the Conference, this being the league Doncaster Rovers were in at the time, but because there apparently must be a line drawn somewhere, suddenly Barnes’ goals didn’t count; an idea that sat a bit uneasy and stayed with me during the summer.
Before I start I feel I should establish one key fact. I love James Coppinger as much as the next man. He is Mr Doncaster Rovers, the last 15 years of previously incomprehensible highs have largely all had James Coppinger consistently at the heart of each one of them. There have been moments in every game during that time, at every level, when he has done something no one else on the field could’ve done; a cross, a dummy, a first touch - only him, and he’s still doing it, so rightly we love him for it.
At some point during those footballless months I found myself pouring over an old handbook from 1952. I chanced on a superb piece on Syd Bycroft, a name many will know as being synonymous with Rovers during that period of the club’s history. The article was a celebration of Bycroft as he was hanging his boots up after many years of distinguished service and offers a terrific look at the career and life of a great man and player.
When he was crowned the club’s record appearance holder he was rightly feted for what is an amazing achievement, one acknowledged throughout football. We owe Coppinger enormous respect and admiration for his service to our club. So there, with that rightly clarified I feel I can continue.
Originally a centre forward he scored a vast amount of goals in non-league but didn’t get a chance in the Football League until 1936 when he signed for a Rovers side then in the second tier of English football. A switch to centreback saw him flourish and he didn’t miss a game for two years until the outbreak of the Second World War. Bycroft had a reputation for being a physical defender, hard in the tackle; attributes which afforded him several opportunities to play for bigger clubs but he stayed loyal to the Rovers. He went on to win two third division championship medals during a Rovers playing career which lasted 16 years.
Last season saw John Marquis score goals with the kind of monotony not seen by Rovers fans for years, though exactly how many years became something of a sticking point. As his tally reached the mid-twenties many media outlets credited Marquis with the highest number of League goals since Laurie Sheffield’s 28 in 1966. If we’re talking Football league goals then this is indisputably correct, but for some reason it disregards and devalues the goals Paul Barnes scored for the club during the 2002-03 season. 16
Bycroft’s Football League appearance tally stands at 336, but much like Paul Barnes’ goals, there’s more to this story beyond the arbitrary line. During the Second World War, the FA was forced to suspend its league programmes, but despite this several smaller scale War Leagues and Cups were established. With many professional footballers called up to fight in the conflict, a number of players ‘guested’ for multiple teams and so there was understandably a slightly ad hoc basis to proceedings.
If you were to add this to his Football League and cup appearances it brings his total Rovers record to 592 matches, which - to my reckoning - puts Bycroft about 60 games ahead of Coppinger’s close season marker, and would seem to contradict our newly crowned record holder’s place on his throne.
However, it was still a crucial part of both normal life, and the war effort, and despite the risks of large public events, the relief and distraction it afforded to many meant the games were both sanctioned and encouraged. Sometimes teams would begin competitions but, unable to field enough players, would have to withdraw half way through meaning the games were expunged from the records or retrospectively recorded as ‘friendlies’.
For me it has to count. Why wouldn’t it? Pulling on that shirt is an honour only a select few experience, and for anyone to say one first team outing should be valued more than another, especially one made when the world was being ripped apart, just seems wrong.
I suppose it comes down to where you draw that line, what you value enough to ‘count’ and what makes it one side of the line or the other. Syd Bycroft made (according to the official handbook, though war time records are at best sketchy) 221 appearances for the club during a time when war league or ‘friendly’ appearances were the only appearances to make, just like Conference goals were the only ones Paul Barnes could score.
I would never wish to devalue or undermine the achievements of James Coppinger, but it seems right that the achievements of anyone so deserving should be acknowledged and protected. That same respect afforded unconditionally to Coppinger should be fully bestowed on Syd Bycroft.
The biography of Bycroft, written only a handful of years after the end of the War touches on this grey area that is war-time football, and actually offers appearance figures for Mr Bycroft, who was drafted into the Police force at the start of the conflict and so was still able to turn out for the Rovers regularly. These records show he made well over 200 extra war-time appearances for Doncaster Rovers.
He deserves to be revered in his own right for his accomplishment, so for that reason (for the next couple of seasons at least) though it may not be ‘official’ or verified, Syd Bycroft is, to my mind, peerless as Doncaster Rovers record appearance holder. 17
FOR PEAT’S SAKE ARE CULT FOOTBALLERS BECOMING A DYING BREED? ASKS JACK PEAT I’ve had some debates in my time, but never have I prepared for one as much as I did ahead of the latest fanzine podcast on the Definitive Rovers XI of the 21st century. The hours leading up to recording were a blur of Wiki stats, forums and miscellaneous searches of forwards and full-backs from Rovers’ recent history. But in the end it became less a search for who should go in and more an exercise in justifying omissions; particularly in regards to one iconic player.
Yet bizarrely, a great number of football fans adore him. Last year a nostalgic feature on Wales Online waxed lyrical about the ‘colossus striker’ who has God-like status among Bluebirds fans. Although they admit he was a player of limited ability his ‘effort, commitment and sheer hard work have always been prized over skill and flair’. In their words, in a club’s history there are ‘fans’ favourites, there are cult heroes, there are legends too and then, somewhere beyond all that, there is Leo Fortune-West’.
For even in his glory days, Leo Fortune-West was little more than an overrated object used to deflect the ball in a goal-ward direction. His defining asset was that he was one of few players who can say they have scored with pretty much every part of his body, but aside from the odd ear goal and occasional thigh score he was a seriously mediocre footballer.
Which got me thinking. What makes a cult footballer? If you look at a football club you will find good players aplenty spanning the years and there’ll be a few in there that even achieve great status whether that be at that club or later in their career. But cult players are a real rarity wherever you go.
And the stats back it up. According to the website SoccerBase, Fortune-West scored fewer goals in his entire Rovers career than John Marquis scored last season, and his record doesn’t improve elsewhere. When he moved to Cardiff for a record £300,000 fee he netted 24 goals in the league, at a cost of twelve and half grand a goal. His pursuits elsewhere, at 15 clubs no less, were no more fruitful.
Take Rovers as a case in point. The XI we eventually settled on in the aforementioned podcast is made up predominantly of players who have achieved great status over the past 17 years, but only one starting player, in my mind, would be considered a cult player, and he would be among a short list from our history. The other was consigned to the bar for drinks with El Hadji Diouf and Sean Thornton, but even I couldn’t deny that Leo FortuneWest is a cult hero in these parts.
See the fanzine’s Definitive Rovers XI of the 21st Century on pages 20-21. 18
And that is the big difference. You don’t have to be a good footballer to be a cult footballer. It helps, in some instances, but class is just one of several considerations, and in many cases actually plays little part. Where the likes of FortuneWest stand you can add the Robbie Savages, Jimmy Bullards and Shola Ameobis to the list and I could dig out many more if I go back a generation before them. Because above talent, the characteristics that make cult footballers are far more personal. On the pitch cult footballers give you blind loyalty. They have an unwavering commitment to the cause and wear the shirt with resolute pride. They thump the badge on their chest after the final whistle has blown and they’re always the last one back in to the changing room on an away day after spending time applauding the fans, many of whom they regard as extended family. They turn up to training early, leave late, and are on a first name basis with the staff. All these considerations don’t require a ball to be kicked.
Cardiff City fans carry Leo Fortune-West from the pitch at York City, after his hat-trick in a 3-3 draw secured Cardiff’s promotion, in 2001
Which brings up the question of whether cult players are a dying breed. At the time of writing Ross Barkley is currently engineering his way away from his home club Everton because they’re offer of £100,000 a week doesn’t match his expectations. If he sticks around and achieves with the Blues he will be deemed a cult player before he hits the age of 30. But as it is, the lure of fatter pay packets will take him elsewhere, a track he is willing to walk down even if it means taking his money sat on the bench down the road at Manchester City.
Off the pitch they are community men who are considered part of a town’s fabric. They have genuine likeability and are down to earth blokes who realise how tremendously fortunate they are to ply their trade kicking a ball around a pitch once a week for good money. Loyalty reigns supreme, and even if they don’t spend their entire career at one club they are the ones who show commitment to a team through thick and thin and don’t hang around the manager’s office with a transfer request as soon as the going gets tough.
As the game becomes increasingly aloof, introspective and self-serving we could do with a whole lot more cult heroes to worship in the not too distant future. And I for one won’t hesitate in doffing my cap to those who graced the field in my lifetime - like my new hero, Leo Fortune-West.
19
THE DEFINITIVE DONCASTER ROVERS
In the most recent episode of podular STAND, the fanzine podcast, three of o to set out the definitive Doncaster Rovers XI of the 21st Century. Not necess years, but those that in that period, perhaps best defined and represented w Here is what we settled on.
Goalkeeper
Andy WARRINGTON
1999 - 2007
Right Back
Simon MARPLES 1999 - 2006
Right Midfield
James COPPINGER
Centre Back
Centre
2000 - 2003
2012 -
Barry MILLER
Rob J
Centre Midfield
Centre Mid
2001- 2008
2006 - 20
Paul GREEN
Brian STO
2004 - forever
Centre Forward
Centre Forward
2001 - 2003
2007 - 2012
Paul BARNES 20
James HAYTER
S XI OF THE 21ST CENTURY
our regular contributors – Glen Wilson, James McMahon and Jack Peat – attempted sarily the best players to have turned out for the club over the course of the last 17 what we feel Doncaster Rovers is about. After much debate and discussion.
Substitutes Neil SULLIVAN Goalkeeper 2006 - 2013
James O’CONNOR Defender 2006 - 2012
Mark ALBRIGHTON
Centre Back 2002 - 2006
George FRIEND Defender 2010 - 2012
Back
Left Back
2015
2000 - 2006
JONES
Sean THORNTON
Tim RYAN
Centre Midfield 2005 - 2007
Leo FORTUNE-WEST Centre Forward 2003 - 2006
Billy SHARP
Centre Forward 2009 - 2012 & 2014
dfield
OCK 12
Left Midfield
Michael McINDOE 2003 - 2006
Manager Sean O’DRISCOLL
2006 - 2011
To find out how we arrived at this line-up, you can listen to the podcast at soundclud.com/popularstand or by searching for ‘podular stand’ on itunes. And you can get in touch with your own Definitive XIs via our contact details on page two. 21
LAZARUS COMES FORTH A POIGNANT PIECE FROM LAZARUS ON HOW THE KEEPMOAT FINALLY CAME TO FEEL LIKE HOME It’s hard to believe it’s ten years since we first arrived at the Keepmoat; the echoes of that final Belle Vue glory against Forest still ringing fresh in the ears, as we set about schooling Huddersfield that nobody was going to spoil our special day. Of course there were many reasons to look forward warmly to the move, but the main one for me was being able to sit with my dad at the football again. My dad had first taken me to Belle Vue at the age of four, meaning my gateway drug to the life of a Rovers fan was Billy Bremner’s first managerial spell. I have fond memories of Daryl Pugh as my first ever favourite player, and my first outing as a Rovers mascot a few years later, which saw me pose with a 22-year-old Colin Douglas. In fact, I often cite my long-term love of Rovers as having been cemented that day I was mascot as an eight-yearold. My dad, brother, and I were in the process of being berated by an uppity steward outside the Main Stand, something to do with ‘not being where we should be’, when Billy Bremner appeared from nowhere, and brushed the steward aside. ‘Mascots?’ he said. ‘Right, you follow me!’ before leading us through the player’s entrance to the dressing room, introducing us to the players, and then taking us on to find whoever it was who’d been supposed to be looking after us. We all felt like royalty that day.
Dad and I continued to attend almost every home game together right up until I left for university in the mid90s, but as anyone who remembers that particular era knows I wasn’t missing much, at least not in a footballing sense. However, what it did mean was that I lost the seat next to him in the stand. By the time I was in a position to start coming to matches regularly again during the Conference years, the seat was very rarely free.
An eight-year-old Lazarus meets Colin Douglas, who never looked any younger than thirty. 22
But everything was so much nicer. The car-park wasn’t just flat, it had lines painted! I could actually stretch my legs out a bit! The pitch was about the same distance away as before! Imagine what James Coppinger could do here! Yes, but ‘it could be anyone’s ground really’, ‘it doesn’t feel like home yet’, my dad would say, which was perhaps unsurprising bearing in mind this was for him an upgrade after 37 years in the same seat. But both of us knew this was secondary, really, because despite everything, we knew we were back together.
Having been a casual fan for a few years I’d also become accustomed to standing at games by this point. Being able to turn up if you felt like it on the day and just pay cash at the turnstile seemed far less commitment than a season ticket, which was handy at a time when I was changing agency jobs seemingly once a fortnight. I’d also grown to a size by then that meant sitting in a seat at Belle Vue for two hours felt a bit like a task on the Crystal Maze. And I didn’t want to make him move seats after all that time just for the pleasure of my occasional company.
The move to the Keepmoat ultimately gave me another nine years of sitting with my dad at the football, and now his former seat is mine. Whilst he sadly stopped one short of making the ten-year season ticket holder’s board at the back of the West Stand, he does now have a plaque in the Memorial Garden at the front. Maybe when my twins turn four I’ll start bringing them here too.
So, for a handful of seasons we’d watched Rovers together yet apart, at least until meeting up in the car-park after the game. However, we always knew it wouldn’t be for long, because of ‘that new stadium they keep on about, coming soon’. Having heard talk of a prospective new stadium since the late 1980s, I, like many of us, had always firmly been of the opinion I’d only believe it when I was sat in it. But then here it finally was, all its gleaming concrete and breeze-block simplicity putting the crumbling ruins of old to shame… so of course by instinctive reaction was to turn my nose up at the place.
One of the fears I always had while he was ill was whether or not I would still love going to the Rovers without him, or whether I simply loved going to the Rovers because I loved being with him. However, three days after he died I found myself back at the Keepmoat to see us beat Barnsley. The friendly steward who always used to help him to his seat asked me how he was, and became the first person I told the news to. ‘I just wanted to be here’ I found myself saying.
There was no possible way that anything this shiny, without any slopes or weeds or bits of missing step on which you could break your ankle would ever have the same kind of charm as a real football ground.
Because it finally feels like home again. 23
VOICE OF THE POP SIDE COULD ROVERS RECENT HISTORY ALL BE DOWN TO A BRIGHTON DEFENDER? JOHN COYLE TAKES A LOOK Counterfactual History has been defined as ‘the idea of conjecturing on what did not happen, or what might have happened, in order to understand what did happen.’ The idea is, that by presenting a number of ‘what if ’ scenarios about a particular historical event, we get a greater appreciation of its significance. The centenary of the outbreak of the First World War offered a prominent opportunity for counterfactual analysis on, for example, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, or the decision of the British Government to enter the war when it did. Counterfactual analysis has its criticisms, often of the moments selected, or, more crucially, of ignoring long-standing social and economic trends. However, it remains an interesting tool which can offer a greater perspective on our history. Certain types of historical events tend to lend themselves to Counterfactual History more than others. It is difficult to use counterfactuals to analyse the Industrial Revolution, for example, instead it is more suited to battles, assassinations and changes of political leadership. Counterfactuals have also been used in popular culture: the 1998 film Sliding Doors offers two alternative timelines based around whether Gwyneth Paltrow’s character catches a train or misses it. Given the similarly make or break nature of sporting events, it seems counterfactual analysis could at least be applied to moments that changed sporting history.
My summer reading has included an attempt to do just that. Simon Turner’s book If Only: an alternative history of the beautiful game examines several big football matches from the point of view of what might have been. It ranges from the far-fetched - Scotland winning the inaugural 1930 World Cup in South America - to the perfectly possible - defeated semi-finalists Derby County and Dundee United respectively contesting European Cup Finals. Turner’s book works because he digs into the build-up and also outlines what actually happened, something counterfactual historians do not always succeed in doing. And even if you don’t buy the ‘what ifs?’ there is material in his text which will leave you better informed about the 1968 European Championships or the transformation of Dundee United from also-rans to a major force in Scottish football. The book set me thinking on how this kind of analysis might be applied to Doncaster Rovers. We can all think of ‘what if?’ moments, both positive and negative. What if Francis Tierney had not scored that Golden Goal at Stoke in 2003 and the game had gone to the lottery of penalties? What if Paul Heffernan had booted that ball into Asda? However, these are moments which affected the outcome of only singular matches – albeit significant ones. What about moments that could be said to have greater significance to the club’s overall history and progress? 24
In the summer of 1985, Rovers sold Ian and Glynn Snodin to Leeds United and Sheffield Wednesday respectively. Rovers were desperately short of money but this began the break-up of arguably the best Rovers side since the 1950s. A significant event for sure, but given the position of the club and the ambitions of the players involved, one that was probably inevitable. Had Rovers held out that summer, it is likely that other suitors would have come along for the Snodin brothers soon enough, and the club would still not have been able to reinvest the money raised into the playing squad. As such, this is perhaps not the event we are looking for.
I want to consider another alternative. Dunk doesn’t make that fateful challenge; Sharp avoids injury and remains fit throughout the August window, scoring goals along the way. With a year left on his contract, Sharp’s transfer was high, and certainly he would have been worth more than was paid for him when he left for Southampton the following January. It was known that O’Driscoll wanted to rebuild a rather unbalanced squad and hoped to use the money from the sale of Sharp to do so. The injury thwarted this plan and not only cost O’Driscoll his job, but also ultimately ushered in Willie McKay’s ‘experiment.’ Not only did this fail, expensively I might add, but it poisoned relations between many fans and the club. Arguably it began a damaging rift between the experiment’s chief promoter, John Ryan, and his boardroom colleagues. This culminated in failed takeovers and ultimately Ryan’s seemingly permanent exit from the club.
No, to me our Sliding Doors moment came on 6 August 2011, and to be more precise, the 52nd minute of Rovers first visit to the Amex Stadium. The challenge by Brighton & Hove Albion’s Lewis Dunk on Billy Sharp was less of a tackle, more attempted GBH. Dunk escaped with a caution and Sharp was carried off to face several weeks on the side-lines, whilst Brighton came from 1-0 down to win 2-1 with a stoppage time goal.
It may seem far-fetched to link events in Brighton on an August afternoon to Ryan’s departure, but something cataclysmic happened at Doncaster Rovers between 2011 and 2015, something from which we only now seem to be recovering. I would certainly argue Dunk’s challenge and its consequences, helped set in motion a chain of events that were most unhappy. Perhaps that is why Lewis Dunk remains a kind of Pantomime Villain for many Rovers fans, although it might also be to do with his apparent lack of remorse or any noticeable cleaning up of his act.
Had Dunk been dismissed it is possible Rovers would have beaten the ten men and gained a moraleboosting win. Consequently they may have garnered more than one point from a possible 21 at the start of that dismal season, and manager Sean O’Driscoll might not have lost his job.
Although personally I think it all went downhill from the moment we sacked Lawrie McMenemy in 1971. 25
HOWARD’S MARKS HOWARD BONNETT ENCOURAGES YOU TO LOOK BEYOND THE LEAGUE, AT FOOTBALL’S TRUE DREAMERS To sleep, perchance to dream; Aye, there’s the rub For in that sleep of death What dreams may come Hamlet, William Shakespeare
There are a number of non-league clubs near Doncaster and many more further afield. And so this season I invite you to take the time to visit one of these clubs when fixtures allow - when Rovers are playing away or should they find themselves on an unexpected international break.
As Rovers start back in League One, guessing what this season may bring is not easy. With recent seasons bringing promotions, relegations and little in between, it’s hard to know which emotions we’ll be experiencing most often as we walk away from the Keepmoat this year.
Each time I have visited a non-league ground in recent seasons, I have had a great experience. I see what personal investment in a club is all about. Many fans volunteer, and do things for their club without a second thought. The fact that there are less of them in each ground does not mean that they are any less committed. The love for their club is always clear and profound. Most clubs are run on a shoestring, and so such commitment is vital. Whilst in no way wanting to take anything away from Rovers’ own efforts, I see in non-league clubs, a real engagement in the local community. They rely on local support and get involved at all levels.
Though ever the optimist for the club’s fortunes, I am concerned that our return to the third tier will see increased gamesmanship, teams sitting back, time-wasting and the theatrics which ruin the modern game. It seems the higher up the divisions you go, the more rarefied the actual football is. And given the wealth of parachute payments in the Championship, I suspect I’m not alone in seeing Rovers future as lying largely in the third and fourth tiers.
So what can you expect if you take up my suggestion and turn up at a local non-league club?
In the face of this, it can be easy to lose your love of football, and hard to maintain the enthusiasm to turn up year after year. But I’ve found a way. Last season, I reported for the fanzine on my travels visiting a number of Yorkshire’s non-league clubs. And as we start a new season dreaming of success, those travels have prompted me to issue a call to arms.
Admission is cheap, food and drink is good (I have not had a duff pint yet) and you know that every pound you spend in these clubs will be used. And used well. You can see the difference that a little bit of money makes. 26
It gets ever harder for clubs to attract both visitors and season ticket holders. At Goole they are promoting a season ticket for £115 which works out at £5.50 a game. Down the M62 Bradford offered an early bird season ticket at £149 working out at £6.50 per game. Whilst that’s great for City fans, the non-league clubs in that part of West Yorkshire really struggle to compete. They have to rely on decent away followings, and an ever-decreasing hardcore of fans to keep afloat.
It’s also interesting to hear the stories behind the players on the pitch. Many are still living the dream and hoping for that big break. A good number are local lads doing their best. You see their gaze cast out into the crowd, looking for a scout from a League club. As I scribble away at these games, making notes for the fanzine, I am often asked what club I am from. Having seen the positive impact Alfie May has had with us I empathise that the proverbial little guy ought to get a break. You also often see the exLeague club and academy players who have slipped down the ranks and are fighting to get back or the realists and veterans, those who have settled with their lot down the ladder.
Don’t be concerned about the standard of play. The quality can vary but what you rarely see is the gamesmanship so rife in the league. Instead you see proper tackling, referees letting the game flow and players wanting to get on with it. At quieter grounds you hear the grief managers and fans dish out when a decision does not go their way.
I have heard stories of how players juggle jobs, studying, families and football and the impact it has on their lives. For many giving up football would be easier. But seldom few do. And though I may not be the scout they hope I am, I do see some players could do a job professionally. They just need that bit of luck.
And the poetry of the terrace fan, works its magic in these grounds. Whilst few are likely to ever be a Poet Laureate - the pithy and witty remark is seldom a few minutes away. One wag telling a keen bespectacled linesman to ‘put your wand down Harry Potter’ was a particular highlight last year (and for the record - he did - a bit). Post-match you’ll find this same lot in the bar, happy to chat, with the same gallows humour and realism you heard on the terrace.
I put it to you then, perhaps once this season, find a non-league game and go along. I have yet to leave a non-league club game without a smile on my face. These are the clubs that really need your money and your help. OK, non-league is not the same as the Premier League, Championship of Leagues One or Two. But, you know what – that’s no bad thing.
27
FOOTBALL ON YOUR DOORSTEP NOT ABLE TO WATCH ROVERS AWAY? GET DOWN TO ONE OF THESE GAMES INSTEAD Beyond the Rovers and the Belles our town boasts a number of clubs in the local leagues just as deserving of your support. After all, it is at these sides that many Rovers players began their careers, from Dave Moss and Steve Gaughan to club legends such as Ken Hardwick and Brian Makepeace.
So, as Howard Bonnett, championed on the previous pages, when Rovers aren’t in action, or you can’t travel away, we urge you to give our other local clubs your support. And to help along, here’s a handy list of upcoming local non-league games that don’t clash with Rovers fixtures.
Saturday 12 August
Saturday 26 August continued
Rossington Main
vs East Yorkshire Carnegie
NCEL1, Oxford Street, Rossington, DN11 0TD
Askern
vs Phoenix
CMLnorth, The Welfare, Askern, DN6 0AJ
AFC Bentley
vs Phoenix
CMLnorth, The Avenue, Bentley, DN5 0PN
Askern
vs Collingham
Harworth Colliery
vs Appleby Frodingham
CMLnorth, Scrooby Rd, Bircotes, DN11 0AD
Monday 28 August
Frickley Athletic
CMLnorth, The Welfare, Askern, DN6 0AJ
Harworth Colliery
vs Reinshaw Rangers
CMLnorth, Scrooby Rd, Bircotes, DN11 0AD
vs Chasetown
NPLD1S, Westfield Ln, S. Elmsall, WF9 2EQ
Saturday 9 September
Rossington Main
Tuesday 22 August
Armthorpe Welfare
vs Knaresborough Town
NCEL1, Church Street, Armthorpe, DN3 3AG
vs Cheadle Town
FA Vase, Oxford St, Rossington, DN11 0TD
Tuesday 12 September
Armthorpe Welfare
Saturday 26 August
Rossington Main
vs Rossington Main
NCEL1, Church Street, Armthorpe, DN3 3AG
vs Ollerton Town
All Saturday and Bank Holiday Monday matches, 3pm kick-off All other midweeks, 7.45pm kick-off
NCEL1, Oxford Street, Rossington, DN11 0TD
AFC Bentley
NCEL1 - Northern Counties East League, Division 1 / CMLNorth - Central Midlands League North Division / NPLD1S - Northern Premier League Division 1 South
vs Lincoln Moorlands Railway
CMLnorth, The Avenue, Bentley, DN5 0PN 28
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME THIS ISSUE WE GO BACK 18 YEARS TO ANOTHER SEASON OPENER, AND ADAM STUBBINGS’ FIRST ROVERS MATCH Digging out my old programmes, I was reminded that Ian Duerden netted all three of Rovers goals that day, whilst the team line-up is largely the same as that embedded in my brain as the first Rovers side I remember: Warrington, Shaw, Foster, Walling, Barnard, McIntyre, Penney, Warren, Goodwin, Duerden, Newell.
It was a good year to start following the Rovers, 1999. The macabre shadow of Ken Richardson was lifting, and over the next decade the club was would embark on a journey over the next decade that few could have dreamed of. Of course, I knew none of that on Saturday 14 August when, as a sixyear-old who had only just discovered football existed, I asked my dad if I could join him on his afternoon out to Belle Vue for the opening game of the Conference season.
Though I may have had to ask which team we were cheering for that first time – not helped by Rovers playing in all white, with Forest Green in black and white stripes – far more than the match itself made me sure I wanted to go again. It was the feel of the place, the fact you could walk straight up to the turnstile and seconds later be stood pitchside, the roar of the crowd from under that main stand.
We had recently moved across town, putting the ground in walking distance of our new home, and with no need to continue his Richardsoninduced boycott, my dad decided the time was right to Belle Vue. Which was good news for me. I would love to go into great detail about that encounter but, only being a small child at the time, the finer details sadly have largely escaped my mind.
I fell in love instantly and have never looked back, and whilst I may not retain an in-depth memory of my very first game, I know it was that day and those moments which shaped the years that followed supporting this club. And that excitement I felt watching as a child in 1999 is the same as that which I’ll have felt walking up to the Keepmoat to begin my nineteenth season as a Doncaster Rovers fan today.
However, there are a couple of key details I’ve never forgotten. The opponents – Forest Green Rovers – and the score – a 3-2 win having been 2-1 down at half-time.
Do you remember your first Rovers match? Fancy sharing it with our readers? If so, please get in touch with us via the address on page two. 29
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE HAVE YOU SEEN LOUIS TOMLINSON’S NEW VIDEO YET? JAMES McMAHON HAS There was a time when I would have been furious at myself for not knowing of Digital Farm Animals, the London based producer whose skeletal bleeps provide the backing to the moderately catchy Back To You,; the new single by our very own Louis Tomlinson. Now I’m fine with it. I’m 37. My knees hurt. Belle & Sebastian have a new single out next week. That might be good. One of the strangest feelings as a football fan, is that moment when the first professional footballer younger than you breaks on the scene. There’s an acceptance that, yeah, maybe you’re not going to make it after all. Also, yeah, my life is going in one direction, and that direction concludes with maggots eating my eyeballs, under the ground. Then when that footballer retires, it’s even stranger. Michael Owen called it a day in 2013. Mentally, I’ve been thinking of making a will ever since. For music journalists, as I have been since 2002 – in the sense that, inexplicably, someone has been giving me money to have an opinion about music – not knowing who an act is provides a similar feeling. In a sense, Michael Owen, then, is my Digital Farm Animals. Only Michael Owen has a relatively normal name. Because Digital Farm Animals is a fucking terrible name for a pop act.
There’s a fine art to picking a name for a band. What will it look like on a teenager’s jotter? What will it sound like when people are chanting it before an encore? On every level, Digital Farm Animals fails. Incidentally, my favourite bad band names are as follows; Nazi’s From Mars (now-defunct-but-quite-good-ifyou-like-that-sort-of-thing tech punks from Amsterdam), Poo (a Slovenian two-piece electronic band) and my absolute favourite, Kiss the Anus of A Black Cat (they’re from Ghent, in Belgium, which might explain a lot if you’ve ever spent any significant time in Belgium). But as I say, I’m fine with it. I don’t really understand people who wish their lives away, but similarly, I do think you’re missing out if you don’t experience the reality of every year that passes. I watched The Mummy the other day. Not the really fun one with Brendon Fraser in it, the new one, with Tom Cruise. I had to Google this, but Tom Cruise is fiftyfive years old. Not that you’d know from the character he plays. He’s abseiling down underground tombs, romancing women young enough to be his daughter… well, if he hadn’t had his genitals removed and embalmed, then preserved as a Holy artifact after a bizarre ritual by the Church Of Scient[Alright, leave that there – popular STAND Legal Ed]. 30
Now, I have no idea what Brendon Fraser is up to these days, but I know damn sure he’s not running up and down sand dunes like an absolute fucking c*nt. I am fully aware, that come the moment Editor Glen gets to this point in this article, he will be thinking, ‘Get to the point, James…’, to which I say, ‘the point is Glen, it’s preseason when I write this, there’s not that much to write about’, but also, ‘I just wanted an opportunity to call Tom Cruise an absolute fucking c*nt in print’. But okay, I’ll try to get to a point, if not the point as soon as possible.
Secondly, Louis – and his mate, the U.S. singer/songwriter Bebe Rexha – who does so much heavy lifting in the song, I do hope Louis paid for her to have a session with a chiropractor – spend an awful lot of the video either hanging out in Hyde Park alleyways (you even see my childhood music teacher’s bin) or standing in the centre circle of The Keepmoat. Sure, ‘I guess you’ll never know, all the bullshit you put me through’, may well be Louis’ fitting lyrical summary of the time Jamie McCombe spent in a Rovers shirt, but I really can’t help thinking that the former One Directioner has kind of missed the point in being a pop star. He’s already played at The Keepmoat. He’s had a squad number for Christ’s sake. The only possible reason for filming a pop video at the ground of Doncaster Rovers Football Club, is to say, ‘I’m dead famous and I’m allowed to walk into the centre circle anytime I want’.
Since the average popular STAND reader isn’t an eleven-year-old girl, it’s quite likely that you haven’t seen the new Louis Tomlinson video. But I do recommend that you type it into your Google machine now and give it a watch. It’s got almost nineteen million views by the way. Jamie Coppinger’s hat-trick against Southend in the League One play-off semi-final second leg only has 9,752, proving that people really are fucking stupid, but there you go. But the video is notable for a couple of reasons.
And that’s fine Louis. But the only people you’re impressing are fifty-year old Rovers lifers who smell of cabbage. And so we arrive at the point. You’re twenty-five years old Louis. You should be getting thrown out of The Groucho Club with a dustpan and brush up your arse. We know you love the Rovers, and the Rovers love you. You don’t need to try so hard! Enjoy being twenty-five, for God’s sake. Because when you’re thirty-seven, my god, your knees start to hurt.
Firstly, Louis is wearing a shell suit, which, like getting off a train in Doncaster and asking, ‘can I get some sushi anywhere?’ is, in 2017, proof that you don’t spend much time in the town anymore. I’m not one to judge. On an early trip back to Doncaster after leaving for London in the midnoughties, an old school friend pulled on my then hipster-esque beard and said, ‘is this a London thing?’
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JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE JACK THE MINER INTRODUCES THE CELEBRITY ROVERS FAN YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD OF ‘Why, Doncaster Rovers of course.’ ‘Doncaster Rovers? You support them do you?’ ‘Of course.’
Which football team did Alf Garnett Support? West Ham of course. Bob Ferris and Terry Collier from The Likely Lads? Easy. Newcastle United. Porridge’s Norman Stanley Fletcher? Spurs. David Brent? Reading. The bad boy antiques dealer Lovejoy? The original books don’t say, but the TV series says Manchester United.
The comedy guest, appearing in character, became a regular on Radcliffe’s programme with references often made to the mighty Rovers. Shortly after these appearances, the character launched his own sitcom on Radio 4, and in my own support of this Rovers supporting chap I’d make the effort to catch his lunatic live shows, where he would mention his Auntie Irene in Doncaster, his award-winning cookery programme on Doncaster Cable Vision and his time at the - fictional Doncaster Academy of the Dramatic Arts. As his fame grew I dropped the actor behind the part a line inviting him to contribute a one-off to the fanzine. I didn’t receive a reply from the creator of the role, but one from the character himself. It read as follows.
There are plenty of football supporting fictional characters. I could go on; Albert Tatlock, Stockport County... Fletch’s cell mate Lenny Godber, Aston Villa. There are lots out there, and that’s without excavating the inevitable Liverpool and Everton supporters in Carla Lane’s abysmal collection of so-called sit-coms. The eagle-eyed will have noticed the absence of a Doncaster Rovers supporting character from that list. Although a Rovers scarf might be seen occasionally in Open All Hours, Austerfield born Roy Clarke sadly chose not to make either Arkwright or Granville part of the Belle Vue faithful. So, imagine my surprise and delight one night, whilst listening to Mark Radcliffe’s late-night radio show some years back, during a World Cup, when Mark asked his studio guest who he fancied to win the trophy. 32
‘Thank you for your communication and I really do mean that, I really do. When I was a little boy I used to wonder what it would be like to be famous enough to be asked to write for magazines and I used to think to myself ‘it could never happen to me’ and then I used to think ‘well why not?’ and then I used to think ‘well things like that don’t happen to people like me’ and then I used to think ‘well that doesn’t mean that they can’t’ and then I used to think ‘I’m just being stupid’ and then I used to think ‘now who are you calling stupid?’ and then I used to think ‘I’ll knock yer block off ’ and I would have gone on like that forever if the bus hadn’t come. So, as I am now a doyen of light entertainment, over many years, I would be absolutely delighted to make a contribution, but I once played for Leeds United reserves with the late great Bobby Collins, so I think there would be a conflict of interest there.’
I had the opportunity to meet Count Arthur’s creator, Steve Delaney, and the co-writer of the TV series Graham Linehan, famous as writer of Father Ted, Black Books and The IT Crowd. Excited at being in the presence of two comedy heroes I went from a very high, high to the lowest of lows when I asked Delaney whether he also supported Doncaster Rovers. ‘No, I’m from Leeds and I am a follower of Leeds United’. I was tempted to ask if he was one of the Leeds fans that covered me and others in spit on our way back down Wembley Way on that glorious day, but thought better of it. In a conciliatory tone he explained, ‘Count Arthur very genuinely supports Rovers though. He is a Doncaster boy and follows his local side. If Arthur has mentioned Rovers in the past it will have been genuine. It was never meant to be any sort of cheap joke at the town or club’s expense.’
If you’ve not worked it out, the character in question is Count Arthur Strong, who has now moved from radio to TV, his third sitcom series having just aired on prime-time BBC1 of a Friday evening.
Sadly, there’s unlikely to be much in the way of Rovers references from Count Arthur from here on in. Delaney and Linehan explained that in moving the character to TV they’d had to locate him somewhere more cosmopolitan and neutral. Any Donny specific references won’t be part of the TV Arthur.
For the uninitiated Count Arthur is an ex variety ‘star’ who had a briefly famous career, just as the variety circuit was on its death bed. He starred in Juliet Bravo, All Creatures Bright and Beautiful and Bridge Up The River Kwai. His life is given meaning by these past moments of fame. And let’s not forget – as he revealed to Mark Radcliffe – he also played rhythm guitar on Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Bad Moon Rising.
Some people will never ‘get’ Count Arthur. I suspect it’s one of those loveit-or-loathe it Marmite things, although Galton & Simpson rated Arthur as comic genius, and they should know. That said, I’m not here to preach or convert. I merely bring news of the most famous Rovers supporter out there, albeit one few have ever heard of. 33
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE EDITOR GLEN WILSON HASN’T MISSED FOOTBALL, BUT HE CAN’T WAIT FOR ITS RETURN Everything is rumoured, nothing is fact, and so it’s effectively just grown men talking about who fancies who, and who’s going to get with someone else. Those who want that kind of teenage voyeurism in their life already have Love Island, they shouldn’t need the football pages too.
New season. Time for a confession. Every July since Doncaster Rovers returned to the Football League, When Saturday Comes magazine has asked me to give my predictions for the campaign ahead. And, every July, I’ve just guessed.
‘You must miss the football’, say people who know nothing of the irritation of actually following the sport in a setting other than the front room, or pub. Of course I don’t. Three whole months without having to watch a lowerleague full-back drag out the taking of a throw-in as if it were the death scene at the end of a cowboy shoot-em up. Bliss. ‘Did you see the Confederations Cup game last night?’ asked a colleague one morning. ‘God, no.’
No reasoned take, no thorough research. Just stabs in the dark, tails pinned blithely in the vicinity of a donkey. It’s supposed to be an experts’ take, a season preview from the voices of the people who know their clubs best; but the reality is, in the summer months I generally know as much about Doncaster Rovers as I do about the finer points of applied mathematics. The summer isn’t for football. It’s for outside tables and iced anything that can feasibly be iced. It’s getting stupidly sunburnt no matter whether I apply sun-cream or not, it’s for reintroducing myself to my family again having abandoned them for nine months, and for lying in the park pretending to be interested in cricket. And because it isn’t for football, the summer means the space where the football was – on rolling news, on websites and in newspapers – gets filled instead with empty talk that’s only vaguely football. It’s idle chat. Speculation and fantasy about whoever might be going wherever, for how much.
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But then. Some time in late July I’ll see an image of a football pitch somewhere. Lush dark green with perfect lines; the yard beyond the touchline yet to be ground down by lumbering linesmen; a sun setting behind a terrace of t-shirted fans. And I’ll think... I want that. All of it. I need that back in my life. And before I know it I’m booking a train to Blackburn and I’m checking the FA Cup preliminary round fixtures and I’m thinking, you know if I get this ‘zine off to the printers a day early I could squeeze in that pre-season friendly at Whyteleafe after work on Tuesday.
At least that was my initial thought. But then I thought some more. And I remembered just how mind-numbingly tedious things were during our last mid-table tilt at this level.
Because crucially, though I loathe the nonsense and the circus, and the talk and the rumour, I’m still addicted to the game. The summer it transpires is merely the mark of the true addict; the period when I stop just to prove I can, before tumbling into the cycle all over again.
A whole 46 matches in which it never felt like anyone was playing for anything other than a 0-0 draw. I couldn’t tell you where we finished, or who else was in the division – it just felt like a procession of blokes in increasingly lurid sports apparel taking it in turns to try and slow the procession of time in increasingly dull and despairing ways. If I wanted that I’d get into golf, or support Oldham. So please, oh mighty Barry Miller, spare us that monotony again.
So yes, I had a lovely summer of family and festivals and Feast icecreams, all oblivious to anything that’s happened on a football pitch since the first week of April. (Yes, April – with the aid of therapy and selective memory I’ve removed the final weeks of last season from my conscious mind; a practice I heartily endorse). So now I’m ready and waiting to do it all over again; another season, another new division, what could possibly go wrong?
So yes, whilst a season of consolidation would suit the club in the long run, no-one else in football these days seems too bothered by trivialities like consequence, or stability, so why should I cling on to it?
Take a look at a plot-graph of our recent seasons progress and it resembles a seismograph left out on the San Andreas fault. With five of our last six seasons having ended in either promotion or relegation, it’d perhaps be wise to crave stability.
No, I want us to be gung-ho in attack and careless at the back. I want us to sign mavericks and hot-heads. And I want us to go on an FA Cup run that lurches us from the top end of the table to the other, before we wrap it all up with a mad, bad, desperate chase to the play-offs that ultimately ends in heart-wrenching failure.
Darren Ferguson has brought in what look to be decent signings, and Niall Mason, but a fair whack of the squad are already filling the physio’s waiting room. There’s enough in attack to worry anyone, but not quite enough in defence to reassure ourselves. Perhaps it’s wise then – given as I asserted at the start of this piece that I know naff all about our opponents – to aspire for ordinariness; a nice uneventful 13th place finish – good experience for the younger players, and something to build on. Aye, that’d be a decent return. Go on, sign me up for that.
That’s what I want from the season ahead. Madness. Forum-melting madness. Give me all of that you’ve got. Football’s back and I want everything it can possibly throw at us. At least until next summer. And of course I didn’t get to Whyteleafe. 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND DUTCH UNCLE UPDATES HIS ALMANAC TO GIVE A STATISTICAL SUMMARY OF ROVERS’ 2016-17 Last season may have come to something of a disappointing end, but it did see a number of statistical landmarks and oddities chalked up. However, in those final five matches we did lose the chance to set a number of outright records, which would’ve made it Rovers’ best ever season, aside from the all-conquering 1946-47 campaign. The third place finish though does mean Rovers have now been promoted five times, and relegated three times in our last fifteen seasons, by some way the most turbulent period in the club’s history.
We weren’t too shabby playing away either, winning 11 league games on the road; something we’ve only bettered before twice; with an incredible 18 away wins in 1946-47, and 15 en route to the League One title in 2012-13. Last season also brought us plenty of opportunities to celebrate, with 85 goals in all in the league, a title only ever surpassed when the 1946-47 side rattled in 123 of them – though it was matched in 1965-66. And in scoring in each of our first 19 league games we were again only topped by the Rovers of 1946-47, who found the net in their opening 21 matches. Only five times last season did the team fail to score, something which again has only been bettered once, and you can guess when. They had just two blank games.
Though the final month took the gloss off it, last season saw Rovers promoted at the earliest point of a season in the club’s history – with five games still to go. The idea that the club never performs at the Keepmoat was somewhat laid to rest last season, as Rovers set a stadium record of 22 home league matches unbeaten (including the last three home matches of 2015-16). In terms of going unbeaten at home from the start of a season goes, only 1932-33 tops it, when Rovers saw out the whole campaign without defeat at Belle Vue. And despite the three late season home defeats to Plymouth, Blackpool and Exeter, the final 2016-17 home record of 14 wins, six draws and three defeats is our best Keepmoat return to date.
Those 85 goals were spread about the squad too, with no fewer than five players hitting double-figures across all competitions – John Marquis, Andy Williams, Tommy Rowe, Liam Mandeville and James Coppinger. This has only been accomplished twice before in our history, once by that side, and also in 1938-39, when six players actually managed to score 10 goals or more. John Marquis total of 26 goals – exactly half his career tally – was the highest individual season tally since Paul Barnes 25 Conference goals of 2002-03, and made him the first Rovers player to score 20 Football League goals in a season since Peter Kitchen in 1976-77. 36
One interesting goalscoring oddity came courtesy of Liam Mandeville, who set a club record of sorts, by scoring his first five goals for the club in five different competitions – League One, League Two, the FA Cup, League Cup and Checkatrade Trophy. By scoring two penalties in the same game – against Leyton Orient in Noveember - Mandeville joined a select (and diverse) group of seven Rovers players; Tom Keetley, Norman Curtis, John Regan, Ian Snodin, David Roche, and Nathan Tyson. It wasn’t all good news from the spot however, and though I do not have full records available, I cannot recall a season with more penalties missed than the six we contrived to waste last season. The guilty party being Tommy Rowe (twice), John Marquis (also twice), Andy Williams and Liam Mandeville.
On the subject of his goals, it’s quite remarkable that last season was the first in which Coppinger has hit double figures; his 10 goals taking him to a total of 60, and tenth spot on the club’s all-time goalscorer list. He’s also now one of just eight players to score for the club in three different tiers. Rovers’ number 26 can also claim to be the club’s most decorated player, and not just in terms of tattoos. He’s now joined Paul Green as being a member of three promotion-winning Rovers sides, including a league title, and holder of a Johnstone’s Paint Trophy winning medal. Although it is worth noting that six Rovers players have been members of two championship winning sides - Syd Bycroft, Bert Tindill, Paul Todd, Bob Gilfillan, Alick Jeffrey and Chris Brown - but none of these went up a third time.
Of course we can’t look back at last season without acknowledging the any milestones racked up by James Coppinger, after he became the first ever Rovers player to make 500 appearances for the club. Coppinger’s longevity means he’s also now the only Rovers player to play in 13 league seasons, soon to be 14, and has equalled Bert Tindill’s record of scoring a league goal for the club in 12 successive seasons.
On reflection, who – aside from any devout fans of goals from the penalty spot - could possibly say that last season was not a great success? Caveat. No figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and The Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and Barry Watson.
BERNARD GLOVER’S BELIEVE IT or NOT Former Rovers forward Mike Elwiss holds the distinction of being the last person ever served at a Happy Eater restaurant, after he nipped in for a Banger Brunch (3 sausages, fried egg and chips) at Tempsford on it’s final day of trading in 1987 37
REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE HE’S BANNED FROM THE OFF-LICENCE, SO OUR LEGAL EXPERT IS BACK TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS Dear Reg, My bloke has just come back from two weeks in Marbella celebrating Rovers’ promotion. He’s got me this exclusive body lotion but noone seems to like it. Do you know anyone who wants a quart of ‘Swar-fega’ Molly Wragg, Moorends
REG RESPONDS I know it, Environmental health have been round my office and said it’s toxic, which means it must be good stuff and they just want to hoard it for themselves. I’ll have it off you. Fiver and a quid for the petrol if you drop it off.
PIE’S THE LIMIT Dear Reg, I’ve fallen out with my bloke. The dirty sod works as a butcher and let slip what he uses to crimp the pies he gives us to eat at half time. I cannot look him the eye - or anywhere else. Should I give him the chop? Nora Slice, Stainforth
REG RESPONDS I don’t know about that Nora, he’ll only put it in a pie. Oh and if you don’t want your steak and kidney I’ll have it. I’m not fussy.
ILL LEGAL Dear Reg, I’ve read this column for two seasons and I believe you to be a disgrace to the legal profession, and at best an absolute chancer. Sue Methen, Toll Bar
REG RESPONDS Give us a break eh mum! I’m doing my best.
RASH DECISION Dear Reg, My new lass insists we dress up in Rovers steward kit when we get it on. I can live with the insistence on keeping off the grass and out the aisles, but the problem is I get a rash off the velcro. Any tips to help secure our passions? Jim Petigo, Rossington
REG RESPONDS Odd one that – try using that new Rovers away kit as a luminous stand-in me old love. That’ll do the trick, plus it might put a few others off it too.
STAR LETTER Dear Reg, I’m 89 and my hubby is 91. He’s going on his older brother’s stag week in Benidorm. I’m worried about sexual shenanigans. How am I going to manage for a week without his love sausage? Nellie Crevise, Edenthorpe
REG RESPONDS You can borrow my DVD of the second half of Rovers’ 2015-16 season. That’ll cool you off pet. 38