EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen, Last month I went to India. And yes, I had a lovely time thank you very much, but I’ll save going all Judith Chalmers on you for another time, and get to my point. Whilst in India I met my girlfriend’s cousin, Nikhil, for the first time. He’s an intelligent fella, a writer who speaks multiple languages and he’s into football; he supports Chelsea – evidence if ever it were needed that who we choose to support is rarely a rational choice. Nikhil has lived relatively near to, or within, Bangalore all is life. Bangalore are the current Indian football champions. I asked him why he didn’t support them. His answer is that he likes football, and so he wants to watch the best football in the world, and enjoy the most skilful players. As the Premier League is screened regularly in India, it is this which he, and the other football fans he knows, watch.
For an increasing number of people across the world football is consumed, not as a sport, but as entertainment. And when you want entertainment, you will inevitably seek out the best that is available to you at the most convenience; that’s why significantly more people will watch the latest dramas on Netflix, rather than sit through an am-dram performance of PG Wodehouse in a draughty W.I. hut. Football beyond the Premier League, is in danger of becoming that am dram performance; the same thing in principle but a world away from the smooth, projected, high definition world projected on television. Increasingly football is presented like a television series; like a reality show or a soap opera. There are the principle characters and world famous leads – Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar, Rooney and all the others that find themselves animated in football boot commercials – and then there are the supporting cast and the extras.
CONTENTS: ISSUE 75 05. 06. 07. 09. 10. 13. 14. 16. 18. 20.
The Bernard Glover Diaries Spotted Tweet Disposition Memorable Memorabilia Go Away Remembering the First Time Belles Calling To Lindum and Back Shirt Shrift Jack The Miner’s Coal Face
22. 24. 25. 26. 28. 30. 32. 34. 38. 39.
Legend-Dairy Leo’s Fortune Vest Memorable Memorabilia Jack’s Craic Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Eddie Going Steady From Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle Keepmoat Krushes
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Occasionally they might get their own storyline, but increasingly they’re left to move unspeaking in the background – holding muted conversations and giving nothing more than depth against which to project the star names. I don’t watch a lot of television; regularly at work people will look at me in astonishment and with a touch of pity when I confess that I haven’t seen the latest series of Breaking Bad – or indeed the previous one – or that I’ve never got into Game of Thrones. Increasingly I see the same looks on the faces of people who have professed themselves to be a great football fan, and therefore tried to talk to me about football, only to find that I don’t support United, or Spurs, or Arsenal, and that I didn’t see the game last night, because I don’t really watch the Premier League or the Champions League. ‘Who do you support?’ they’ll ask. And when I say Doncaster they will – inevitably – ask what division and then their mind will draw a blank because whilst it is a team in the same sport, they cannot comprehend of anything footballrelated that they haven’t seen scroll across a Sky Sports News ticker. Football is becoming subservient to the Premier League; the latest television deal only reiterates that point. And as more television money flood into the top flight; it is only natural that the top flight is adapted to suit its primary audience and benefactor; television. Goal-line technology is here; video replays for officials will inevitably follow at the top table, because when you’ve hyped up the importance every decision matters and the dishonesty of players mean we can no longer rely on a mere human to infer who’s cheating and who isn’t.
As football and entertainment become ever more indistinguishable our world starts to edge closer to full on Alan Partridge – witness exhibit A. Dion Dublin hosting Homes under the Hammer. It’s not quite Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank, but it also isn’t too far away. It also means that those of us who choose to follow football, rather than the Premier League are in an increasingly smaller half of the pie chart. Why on earth would you follow your average local team, when you could be watching some assembled millionaires play-act in front of 40,000 people recording the action on their smartphones? The answer of course, is in the question, because it is our local team. It is a part of our community, part of our town. You can watch the Premier League, the same way you watch the latest American dramas, via a flatscreen above the mantelpiece. But you can only really experience football, and live football by being there. As you are today. Please, for all our sakes, keep it up. Viva Rovers! A huge thank you to those who responded to my recent online requests for fanzine articles. It is greatly appreciated, partly because it takes the burden off me, but chiefly because this is your fanzine, your platform, and therefore should showcase your views. We don’t necessarily want people to agree with all contained in these pages – indeed there are aspects of Lewis Grimes’ piece on Coppinger’s testimonial in this very issue which I disagree with – but should people wish to put across their thoughts articulately, then please remember this fanzine exists for exactly that purpose.
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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES LONG TRIPS FOR NOTHING AND SHORT TRIPS FOR NOTHING, IT’S ALL IN OUR ROUND-UP OF THE LAST FEW WEEKS. TUESDAY 10 FEBRUARY CRAWLEY TOWN 0-5 ROVERS
SATURDAY 14 FEBRUARY ROVERS 3-0 YEOVIL TOWN
It’s rare you can justify paying £22 to sit in a marquee on the outskirts of Crawley. Tonight was that anomaly, aided by the worst performance from a professional football team I’ve seen in over a decade. Town were shambolic, disjointed and disinterested from the off; eleven stooges for Rovers to feed off – the Washington Generals to our Globetrotters. And we were superb; Dean Furman’s untiring box-to-box persistence that opened up the pitch for the rest of his team, particularly the wings, where both full-backs linked brilliantly with the tricky men ahead of them in a manner that’ll ensure Crawley’s defenders are still waking up in a cold sweat weeks from now. The first half brought many chances, but contained just one goal; Andy Butler pouncing after a Crawley defender had kindly nodded the ball across his own box.
‘Aye, but it’s Yeovil… we never beat bloody Yeovil’. Thankfully the doom of the old fella I told to cheer up was ill-mongered; one time bogey side despatched for a third time in four meetings. In control from the off Forrester and Paul Keegan had already seen long-range strikes beaten away by Artur Krysiak before Rovers took the lead. Krysiak spilling Forrester’s bouncing strike for Tyson to pounce and bundle it home. Yeovil were having a torrid time; their defenders punting balls into the West Stand with a regularity that suggested they were playing Battleships with the seat numbers.
In the second half however it rained superb goal after superb goal. Richie Wellens touched home a Kyle Bennett cross to crown lovely interplay down Rovers’ left. 2-0. Nathan Tyson; set clear by Enda Stevens perfect through-ball, brilliantly lobbed the ‘keeper without breaking stride. 3-0. Harry Forrester’s low finish ended the ‘ole’s on a 237 pass attack. 4-0. Curtis Main curled the ball neatly into the far corner. 5-0. An entertaining and professional Rovers performance which left Dean Saunders looking particularly surprised, but then since the operation he always looked particularly surprised.
In the second half came further goals; Main broke and though a deflection prevented his cross reaching its intended far-post target, bursting into the box was Furman, a stride ahead – both in body and mind – of those around him, to slip the ball beneath Krysiak for 2-0. Yeovil briefly threatened to pull a goal back, but when coming their closest they succeeded only in opening themselves up for a third Rovers goal. Within thirteen seconds of seeing an effort cleared off the Rovers line by Furman, Yeovil were picking the ball out of their own net. Said clearance fell to the feet of Tyson – who carried the ball at pace from one box to another – before squaring it for Bennett to slot home. Eight goals, two clean sheets and two wins in four days. That’ll do.
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TUESDAY 17 FEBRUARY ROVERS 2-1 CREWE ALEXANDRA
spotted!
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
Using the self-service tills at Asda to purchase eight Easter eggs.
spotter: @Louis_Bailey_
Richie bloody Wellens. If you look in the Dictionary under the word enigmatic you won’t find a picture of Wellens, you’ll just find the word enjoin. That’s because dictionaries are staid dull publications that don’t reward last minute arcing winning goals from the top of the box like we do. Still, three wins in three; Rovers have snuck into the play-offs. Forwards to untold glory.
SATURDAY 21 FEBRUARY PORT VALE 3-0 ROVERS
spotter: @Canals1de
Well, it was nice while it lasted. If a team capitulates in a sea of faded yellow plastic seats, does it make a sound? The answer it seems is no, but those who’ve trekked over to watch it do. And it goes “Boooooooooo!”
NEIL ROBERTS
TUESDAY 24 FEBRUARY ROVERS 1-3 BRISTOL CITY
RICKY RAVENHILL
Looking relaxed and resplendent in Thorne town centre on a Friday afternoon
Giving tours of the facilities at the Manchester City versus Doncaster Belles game - magic hat sadly not present.
spotter: @ChrisDonald92
STUART BEATTIE
Having a cider in Willie Wastles in Ayr spotter: @grandetoro1949
SEAN McDAID
Twice in two weeks at a Pirate soft play area in Hellaby. Though he wasn’t dressed as a pirate.
spotter: @Gazz_Long
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
Doing kick-ups in a Bessacarr park in front of five lads. He was wearing a jacket and jeans so may have stolen their ball off them for a kickabout
spotter: @oli_white15
Who or what is Curtis Main? After failing to look anything like a footballer in recent matches, the big man popped up to score an absolute thunderbastard of a goal tonight; crashing in off the crossbar from twenty-five yards. Coming with Rovers 2-0 down to the champions elect it sparked brief hope, before City re-established their two goal cushion with twenty minutes to go. The match was lost, but bloody hell what a strike.
SATURDAY 28 FEBRUARY ROVERS 2-0 COLCHESTER An attempt to beat the world’s longest human flight record brought Colchester an early penalty in this game, but it was mercifully shanked well wide. Disaster averted Rovers had plenty of chances but it wasn’t until Stevens of all people popped up in the right place at the right time that they went ahead.
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After half time, neither side seemed too bothered there was a football game on. Calls of “gerrit for’ard”and “too bloody casual” failed to have any effect and Rovers needed a late spot-kick from Tyson to secure the win. So little was there to get agitated about the Dickovrantometer only reached two 4th official ear bashings.
TUESDAY 3 MARCH PRESTON NORTH END 2-2 ROVERS Close, but no cigar for Rovers at Deepdale as they came from behind to lead, only to have victory snatched from them by a late, late Jermaine Beckford goal. Preston had been in front for seventy minutes after Daniel Johnson’s first half goal, but Rovers turned the game on its head in two late second half minutes. Forrester struck first, finding the bottom corner after a great jinking run by Coppinger. Barely 60 seconds later; Main’s towering header from Wabara’s cross made it 2-1, only for Beckford to dash dreams in injury time.
SATURDAY 7 MARCH GILLINGHAM 1-1 ROVERS You hear ‘goal out of nothing’ often; rarely has it been more fitting than Rovers’ opener. The surprise at Forrester’s free-kick finding the net greatly magnified by what preceded it; forty minutes of vacuous winddisrupted nonsense of twenty-two men repeatedly failing to control a football. From our position, perched atop a pile of scaffolding masquerading as a football stand, Forrester saw his 40-yard freekick towards the six-yard box carried over Stuart Nelson’s head by the wind. Forrester however claims he meant it, but what would you expect? Talented footballer he may be, but when they were giving out humility Forrester was busy in the narcissism queue asking for second helpings.
tweet disposition THE INSIGHTFUL THOUGHTS OF ROVERS’ PLAYERS ON TWITTER @ReeceWabara
BBC2 Top Gear and Dragosn Den!
@harry_forrester
Jeremy Kyle cracks me up
@ceddyevina
Morning, up nice and early for the solar eclipse #excited #biggeek
@MarosiMarko
Good decision from the ref
@Razak Cinema
@harry_forrester
Any decorators in doncaster available this week
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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES CONTINUED FROM PAGES 6 AND 7 The lead didn’t last long with Gillingham levelling just before halftime. Doug Loft’s free kick was whipped toward the near post and John Marquis beat the crowd to nod it home. “The Marquis of Priestfield” is how the man on the tannoy announced the scorer; people have been hung for less. In the second half Rovers fashioned the better chances,but this wasn’t football as we knew it; the wind ensured a flat atmosphere, an ever air-bound ball and a near guarantee that any goals scored would come from set-pieces. All things considered, returning from this micro-climate with anything other than a defeat can be considered an achievement.
SATURDAY 14 MARCH ROVERS 0-2 PETERBOROUGH UTD This game promised much; two play-off contenders separated by goal difference, a huge crowd and chance to pay homage to Jamie Coppinger. What could go wrong? The great man was cheered wildly pre-match and so it was fitting when James stooped low to open the scoring on 15 minutes – unfortunately this was Luke James, of Peterborough. Little changed in the second half. Rovers huffed and puffed but could not get on terms. Two efforts screamed past the target as Peterborough defended professionally, threatening only on the break. And typically, when Main’s great close range effort was miraculously saved, the clearance left Peterborough two-on-two for a breakaway second goal Coppinger would have viewed with déjà vu. The crowd left en masse on eightyeight minutes; even at a fiver they seemed to have not perceived it value for money.
TUESDAY 17 MARCH ROVERS 1-2 SWINDON TOWN Rovers start brightly but fail to find the breakthrough until 41 minutes when Tyson broke clear, and crossed for Main to tap home. In the second half the referee was to take centre stage. At a corner Butler was hauled to the floor but denied a clear penalty, however minutes later contact from Furman on Ben Gladwin left Rovers fuming at the referee’s inconsistency – penalty awarded – converted by the impressive Michael Smith. Still Rovers pressed for a deserved winner – a draw would’ve been a missed opportunity – only to be heartbroken. A rare defensive lapse in injury time left Jonathan Obika in space, and he slotted home to Swindon’s delight. Frustration was evident as the team trudged off at full time, vitriol inexplicably directed at Paul Dickov by a few of the remaining fans.
SATURDAY 21 MARCH COVENTRY CITY 1-3 ROVERS Slow off the mark Rovers were made to pay within five minutes as Dominic Samuel capitalised on sluggish defending to fire City ahead. Having survived a further scare when Frank Nouble struck a post, Rovers showed much greater purpose after the break. Wellens struck an early equaliser at Lee Burge’s near post before Main’s brawn and persistence served up two further goals. Firstly he dispossessed his man to feed Jonson Clarke-Harris who’s first attempt was blocked, but his the second found the bottom corner. Then Main bludgeoned a path down the right flank before squaring for Forrester to wrap up all three points, not quite football played the way it should, but it’ll do!
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MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA WE’RE SPOILING YOU THIS ISSUE WITH TWO PIECES OF ROVERS MEMORABILIA, FIRST UP IS PHIL SMEDLEY Did you know that Doncaster Rovers had a connection with Wembley Stadium well before that fateful day against the once mighty Leeds? How? Well, we did in fact have something in the Wembley museum. A shirt no less. How do I know this? Well, because it now hangs proudly on my wall at home, bought in the early days of internet auctions after the curator of said museum had been encouraged to rummage through his cupboards to find and sell off his less valuable items in order to fund the silver platters for the prawn sandwiches in ‘New; Wembley (probably). I was younger, had more money than sense (kids have now brought an end to that happy state of affairs) and rashly bought this shirt without really knowing what it was, to add to my collection of Rovers related tat. I waited and waited until finally my package arrived. I opened it, fingers trembling with anticipation. Oh. Totally underwhelmed. I had expected a pristine piece. This was quite heavily worn. It looks a bit mucky. Grass and sweat stains. Still, it was old I’ll give them that and whatever aromas it might once have had, had at least faded with the passage of time.
White with red sleeves, fancy red collar; what season was it from? Before my earliest games so it was time for a little bit of amateur detective work. Saunders P.I. was unavailable for the task so I resorted to looking through old team photos in the Doncaster Rovers Official History. Well I never. It’s from the promotion winning side of 1980/81. A rare time of success in our history at that point. What happened next though is why I value this shirt so highly. I turned it over. It had a number. Now this is in the days before personalisation of shirts with the names of your hero and numbers more akin to the National Lottery than a football team. This shirt was number 10. Looking back at the book. Number 10… Glynn Snodin for most of that season! I’ve no proof, and unless I track down the kitman from the early 80’s to see if he ever sent anything off to the FA, or I subject Glynn to some costly DNA testing, I never will. But at the very least I have a rare shirt with connections to Wembley, a piece of Rovers history and perhaps, just perhaps, the shirt of one of our all time greats. In some ways I’d rather never know.
PS
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GO AWAY JUST A HANDFUL OF TRIPS ACROSS THE UNCHARTERED LANDS OF LEAGUE ONE REMAIN. HERE’S OUR GUIDE TO THEM Tuesday 14 April
LEYTON ORIENT As cranes tower over the city as far as you can see and luxury flats are demolished to make way for more luxury flats; the centre of London ceases to be a city in its own right and more a cross between an old boys club and a duty free lounge. But whilst London becomes anywhere, Leyton is very much London. Terraced houses and council estates, bombed in the Blitz, peppered by African food stalls and Caribbean barbers, it is as East London as East London gets. In 2012 the Olympic Games pitched up across the railway, bringing a prosperous future of regeneration and legacy to Leyton. Maybe sometime soon that’ll begin.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
If you find your way to Leyton easily then you can thank one of its most famous sons; Harry Beck, designer of the iconic London Underground map is from the area – although until his design was published could probably be often found scratching his head outside a Tube station wondering how he ended up in Walthamstow, or Startford, or Mile End. Bobby Crush is also from Leyton; if you’re wondering who Bobby Crush is kids, he was the 1970s Susan Boyle, only where SuBo excelled thanks to subverting peoples fascination with appearances and misconceptions over her mental well-being, Bobby Crush just had a piano and a range of knowing winks. They were simpler times.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Be whoever you want to be. Speak whatever language you want to speak. Do whatever you want to do, just so long as you like eating fried chicken once in a while we’ll all get along fine.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
I like Brisbane Road. It’s got four stands and proper floodlights and has been enhanced and aesthetically modernised without being left completely unrecognisable from what it was before. Think more Demi Moore than Rene Zellweger. Though three of the stands are new, the old East Stand remains in place and is described by The Football Ground Guide as having ‘an interesting gable on its roof which has ‘Leyton Orient’ proudly emblazoned across it and gives a nice link to the Club’s history.’ Similarly they sell Mars Bars at the kiosks which still have Mars Bar written across them to help you feel that nostalgia of when you used to be able to buy Mars Bars at football matches. In the corners between the stands Brisbane Road infamously boasts blocks of flats, constructed to help fund the redevelopment of the ground. So if things get really bad, you can always ask the person at Number 17a to stick Pointless on.
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Tuesday 21 April
MILTON KEYNES DONS Like coloured television and sex Milton Keynes didn’t even exist until the 1960s. It is a new town, designed to relieve the housing congestion in London. These days they do that just by jacking up housing and rental prices, but back in the free-spirited 60s the Government actually bothered to find a more encompassing solution. The result is an idyllic city, in which roads are never congested and lives are never fulfilled. Apparently it’s good for shopping. Because spending money helps make the tears go away.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
Very little. Some sculptures of concrete cows on major road junctions, oh and long jumper Greg Rutherford. If you’re looking for a way out of Milton Keynes it appears that hurling yourself into sand is as good as it gets, otherwise everyone just continues along in their weird gridbased Stepford Wives existence.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Two options; firstly paint yourself black and white and crouch on all fours on a roundabout remaining resolutely still. Or alternatively do whatever the hell you like, because no-one has ever actually met or known anyone from Milton Keynes in their life.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
You know what, it’s probably a nice stadium. It’s probably got nice seats and unobstructed vantage points and all that bollocks, but truthfully what does that matter? It shouldn’t be there; it is the Tesco Metro where your corner shop used to be, it is the luxury flats that now occupy the pub you met your first girlfriend in, it is the expensive organic delicatessen that bought out the old market café. It is the expensive toy of a self-aggrandising twat, a whacking great summer-house built by that prickish nextdoor neighbour purely out of spite, and solely to block out the light which used to shine on your rockery. Ultimately, taking so much as a step inside Stadium MK is the same as accepting the radio controlled car off the smarmy regional marketing director your mum left your dad for after that sales conference at The Campanile in Swindon. And the smarmy Aldi-value Bond villain Winkleman hasn’t even had the decency to put a proper set of floodlights on it either. What a prick. Anyway, adult tickets £20. Yeah they sell pies, and you can impulsively sell your soul on the day as well as in advance.
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GO AWAY
CONTINUED FROM PAGES 10 AND 11 Saturday 25 April
NOTTS COUNTY
Nottinghamshire is Robin Hood Country. People’s hero Robin Hood reportedly stole from the well off to give to the poorer; a legacy deftly well-headed by the people who named Doncaster’s airport. Let’s face it, naming it after Douglas Bader wouldn’t have exactly encouraged relaxed flying. It is documented in official records that Nottingham’s original name was actually ‘Snottingham’, or ‘Home of Snots’, but when the Normans came, they couldn’t pronounce the letter ‘S’, so decreed the town be called ‘Nottingham’ or the ‘Home of Notts’. Interestingly this is the very opposite of how Scunthorpe came by its current name; its residents having successfully pleaded for the S to be added. As for County, they are proud to be the oldest professional team in English football; and the inspiration for many other clubs across the world, including Juventus. Though Juve have upheld the tradition of County’s black and white stripes they have eschewed other club characteristics by virtue of being pretty successful.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
Beneath Nottingham Castle is the ‘Olde Trip To Jerusalem’ which is the oldest pub in England - a unique distinction shared with just 112 other pubs. Coincidentally, the oldest pub in Israel is called the ‘Day Out To Center Parcs’. Boots the chemist was founded in Nottingham by Jesse Boot in 1850; the business began on Goosegate where Jesse’s father had a tiny oak-beamed pill shop, but, sensing the meagre demand for tiny oak-beamed pills, Jesse saw sense to diversify. Another famous produce of Nottingham is lace, with a whole variety of it produced and sold in the city’s famous lace market; they are rightly proud of their white lace, but have distanced themselves from black lace ever since Agadoo.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Ey up mi’duck . Get tea mashed, and have a swag, before gerrin, youz self off down Goose Fair and on to booza or something like that.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
Meadow Lane is one of the rarest of things, a football ground rebuilt in the modern era that still looks and feels like a football ground. It’s got four distinct stands of varying height, proper floodlights, and isn’t a bad walk from the town centre either. Away fans are housed in the Jimmy Sirrel Stand from which, according to the Football Ground Guide, ‘the views were generally good’. It’s unlikely that’ll be the case when you’re surrounded by typically doom-laden Doncastrians.
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REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME DAVE FROST TAKES US FURTHER BACK THAN WE’VE EVER GONE BEFORE AS HE RECALLS HIS FIRST ROVERS MATCH 30 August 1958 Attendance 10,447. That, in bare facts, is my first Rovers game. I had been pestering my dad to go for a couple of years before this, but without success. However, I had been to Belle Vue on three or four occasions previously. My first visit was a night match to see my brother’s team, Elmfield House, lose to Balby A in some local League Cup final. This was a floodlit game about 1956, very exciting for a seven year old. And that’s not all, me and my parents were taken to the game in Mr. Settle’s (the local shopkeeper) Ford Prefect. This was another bonus as few people had cars in those days. I followed this with another couple of visits to watch schoolboy games but longed to attend a ‘real game’ involving my home town team. I always listened to the results but that was the nearest I’d ever got. My dad wouldn’t let me go with my mates that were older and taller than me. ‘The crowds are far too big and you’ll get crushed’, I was told on numerous occasions. I had to make do with second hand reports as we were relegated from the old Division 2, the equivalent of today’s Championship.
I finally got a promise from my dad, who had actually stopped going a few years previously, that he would take me. I eagerly awaited the Saturday game, and on the day itself repeatedly asked if it was time to go yet. Finally the time came, and we set off to walk from Balby, down through Hyde Park, for the game. I remember going in and being amazed at the size of the crowd. My dad bought me a programme and pointed out that the Stockport County number nine, Walter Kelly, had played for us the previous season. The game went mostly over my head as we won 4-1 with goals from Graham, Cavanagh, Mooney and Fletcher. But I was hooked and although my dad didn’t attend another game until we beat Luton in October 1969 my pocket money continued to go to the Rovers as my two elder brothers started taking me. I suppose that in a way this is a bit of a boring summary of the game really, but I think a lot of young fans actually remember more of the circumstances surrounding their first game than they do of the action on the field.
DF
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BELLES CALLING PIPPED AT THE POST BY SUNDERLAND LAST SEASON, DONCASTER BELLES ARE READY FOR ANOTHER PROMOTION CHALLENGE ‘When one door closes, another opens’. At mate of mine at University drove a piece-of-shit Proton Saga of which that was certainly true, but I suspect it was the nature of opportunity which Alexander Graham Bell was referring to with his words, rather than crap Malaysian engineering. As the door of Rovers’ League One campaign is left less and less ajar, the door to another local club’s season is being swung open, presenting a great opportunity to keep watching football beyond the first week of May. The FA Women’s Super League has already begun its fifth summer, and Doncaster Rovers Belles are in prime position to spend the longer nights chasing promotion to FAWSL1. Last season, only a formidable Sunderland side prevented the Belles from making an immediate return to the top tier, and with the Black Cats now up among the elite, the Belles have begun the 2015 season as most people’s favourites to follow them. Standing most prominently between the Belles and the title are Everton and Reading. The former were relegated to the second tier last summer, bringing to an end 21 years at the top level of the women’s game. As the Toffees sank two notable players jumped ship, making an immediate return a harder prospect; top-scorer Nikita Parris joined Manchester City’s Globetrotters, whilst long-serving goalkeeper Rachel Brown retired.
Everton failed to win a single league game in 2014, but they’ve already cast that monkey from their back this time round with a 2-1 win over Aston Villa on the opening day. Two words mark Reading out as genuine title challengers; Fran Kirby. The most exciting player in the FAWSL, Kirby is now an England regular after a mesmerising 2014 season which saw her score 24 goals for the Biscuitwomen (11 more than the division’s second top scorer). And she hasn’t shown any signs of easing off this campaign either; having struck all four of Reading’s goals in their opening day 4-2 win over Yeovil. Kirby may be the undoubted star, but Reading have begun to assemble a decent supporting cast; with Wales’ Helen Ward an experienced foil for the young Kirby in attack, whilst the addition of Kylie Davies, from Millwall, brings experience to their defence. As for the Belles, the summer has seen a number of changes for them too (see opposite page), with three players making the step up to the top flight and a new face in the dugout too. But those who do remain will have learned a lot from last season’s challenge and some tough early season games this time round to mount a serious title push. Just make sure you open your own door this summer to get out the house and down to the Keepmoat and back them.
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ON THEIR WAY OUT The Belles’ preparations for a second tilt at promotion took a knock in November when manager Gordon Staniforth stepped down. “I am very disappointed to leave but the budget made the job impossible,” Staniforth told the local press, as the constraints of operating a semi-professional set-up in FAWSL2 sadly bit. On a playing side Belles fans were sad to see three of the club’s promising young players depart in the close season.
The twin tanks of Jess Sigsworth and Millie Bright have veered off in different directions in pursuit of top flight football; with Sigsworth signing for Notts County and Bright – who was sponsored by popular STAND in 2013 – joining Chelsea. Arguably the biggest loss is that of Tori Williams; the midfielder enjoyed her best season for the Belles last year, but has now moved on to Sunderland.
ON THEIR WAY IN
Replacing Staniforth in the Belles’ dugout is Glen Harris, who previously managed Lincoln Ladies during their first three seasons of the FA Women’s Super League. Harris’ has already drafted in one of his former Lincoln charges with midfielder Sophie Barker joining the Belles after a season out with an Achilles injury
Long-time followers of the Belles will be familiar with Jody Hanley, the forward helped the Belles reach the 2002 FA Cup final and has returned to the club from Everton, whilst Harris has also strengthened his last line of defence with former Everton ‘keeper Danielle Hill joining from Durham.
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TO LINDUM AND BACK COULD ROVERS’ SEASON BE TURNING A CORNER? CHRIS KIDD RECKONS IT MAY WELL BE Scrap season tickets, let’s just go to away games. Rovers’ latest victory on the road at Coventry added another win to an incredible run of away form, for the second League One campaign in succession. That 3-1 victory made it 13 wins on the road in all competitions this season, supplemented by seven draws. That is pretty incredible. If it were home form you would be hard pressed to find someone who wasn’t happy with it. But the trouble is that Rovers have only won a paltry six games at home this season. For season ticket holders, and anyone else who regularly attends home, it isn’t great value. And the baffling thing is that this hasn’t just been a problem this season, instead it goes back over a three year period.
Last season, where Rovers were eventually relegated from the Championship, they managed nine victories at the Keepmoat, which in a relegation season probably doesn’t look like a bad effort. In 2012-13 where Rob Jones famously dragged the club by the scruff of the neck into the Championship Rovers only managed ten victories on home turf. So what’s the cause? It can’t be the manager, as in this period Rovers have had three different ones. Is it the much maligned Keepmoat playing surface? Richie Wellens recently spoke about how he doesn’t look forward to playing at home for this reason alone. Is it the crowd? Do we transmit too many negative vibes? Do we need to arrange for Uri Geller to visit again and sort the atmosphere among the players out? Do opposition teams set up in such a way that makes it particularly difficult for three different managers to break down? Are we too friendly? As a season ticket holder myself – and one who these days is unable to attend as many away games as I’d like – I’ve found it incredibly frustrating that our home form has been so inconsistent. It’s also quite alienating as, like this season, on the whole Rovers have been top half, even play-off material, but only seeing home games means that despite the relative success that the League One table suggests we’re having, I’m only finding it infuriating.
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The trouble is Rovers home form is a big, big problem for the club. It appears the club has a core support of somewhere near 6,500 supporters. When not only form, but also performances are generally disappointing, the club will find it increasingly difficult to get more supporters through the turnstiles. The recent game against Peterborough was a case in point. There was close to 10,000 home supporters in the stadium that Saturday and Rovers failed to produce anything; no performance and no result. The floating fans who came along to that game certainly won’t be ditching Jeff Stelling and the armchair in a hurry to return. They will also be keeping their money in their pockets and sticking to their in-play betting and the warmth of their lounge. Most of the 72 League clubs in this country rely heavily on getting bums on seats and additional sales and revenue through the match day experience. Something which has been given further emphasis as the FFP rules gradually come into force. For my money I think the match day experience at Rovers is probably pretty average, but when it comes to fan engagement they must be close to market leaders. The Junior Takeover Day was a brilliant initiative and seemed to be really successful. It’s a great way to engage youngsters and get them interested in Rovers rather than see them start supporting one of the teams they see on the telly, or, God forbid one of our local rivals. Hopefully we can secure the future of our support through similar things like this. When I was six or seven getting into football was pretty different; it was almost impossible to see the action on the field never mind be involved in it some way.
I guess if Rovers were to get promoted sorting out the home form would be an immediate challenge due to the nature of the opposition we would find ourselves playing. If we end up staying in League One improving output at home has to be a priority; whether that involves investing in the playing surface again or just looking at different ways of playing it needs to be done. Perhaps the plans for the ‘Ultra Style’ Black Bank(see other page) may help the atmosphere and make the Keepmoat more intimidating for visiting teams. I guess when local clubs visit, as we give them 3,000-4,500 tickets for the away end, it becomes almost like a home game for them. But the money in the bank is important. Either way I hope the red and white hooped Rovers can manage a couple of decent home performances before the season’s end to give them an outside and unexpected chance of making the play-offs, not to mention some much needed cheer for those of us who watch most of our football among these red plastic seats.
CJK
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 17
SHIRT SHRIFT HOWARD BONNETT KICKS OFF SIX PAGES ON JAMIE COPPINGER, BY TELLING US ALL ABOUT HIS OWN SPECIAL NUMBER 26 SHIRT As we get set for Jamie Coppinger’s testimonial and celebrations I thought I would share my own bit of Copps history. What led me to buy this shirt was Rovers’ match against Huddersfield on 30 August 2004, which we won 2-1. The way Coppinger was prepared, not only to take on his full back, but also to try different passes or flicks stirred something in me which still makes me smile today. A week or so later I had bought that season’s Rovers shirt, and had Coppinger’s name and number printed on the back of it. Within a few weeks of buying the shirt Rovers held a shirt signing in Streetwise Sports in the Frenchgate. Coppinger and Paul Green were there. As I was away with work I managed to convince my wife to get it signed for me. She told me that Coppinger had been genuinely surprised and chuffed that someone had paid to put his name on a shirt. Both he and Greeny signed it, and many washes later both signatures can still be seen.
I am often asked who or what my shirt is. Often I’m asked which Rugby League club I support, or who this ‘Cowpinger’ or ‘Coopinger’ bloke is. I usually take a deep breath and, with all the patience which working with Leeds fans has given me, I explain in a calm voice who he is and why I wear his shirt. He is my ‘Mister Rovers’. I wore the shirt in Cardiff when Rovers played in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy final. I remember walking the four miles through the city, back to our hotel, afterwards and getting honks and cheers from the Rovers fans heading out to the M4. And then there was the play-off semi final against Southend. I’m sure I am not the only one to wax lyrical about Coppinger’s performance on the day; indeed I’ll leave that to others. But I fondly recall being in the West Stand that night, right in line with the free kick on the edge of the penalty area as he curled it into the top corner. Unsaveable. Unplayable. Unbelievable.
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I wore this shirt with most pride at Wembley when we played Leeds. James Hayter of course got the winning goal but it was Coppinger who was the first to grab him for a cuddle. As I made my way back to the Tube and then to the train station everything was bouncing and the Coppinger name and got so many slaps my back was left redder than Steve Evans on a touchline. The Championship years from 2008 to 2012 were, at times, sublime. After an awful start the team clicked and some of that football was the best ever seen by Rovers fans. I am sure I wasn’t the only one worried that he (amongst others) might be poached by other clubs. Through the glory and leaner years in the Championship, his spell away at Forest, and then through relegation I wore the shirt with the same pride. And with hurt came redemption.
On that fateful day at Brentford I was at home. As the madness unfurled and Copps tapped in the winner I bounced round my front room like a man possessed. And got royally drunk in my local pub that evening wearing that very shirt. I was bought a new shirt at Christmas 2013. It doesn’t have any name or number on it. And it doesn’t feel the same. I should really get the name and number added, but somehow that feels like being unfaithful to the old one. So, as I wait for Coppinger’s testimonial, I’ve decided to give the old shirt what it deserves. Posterity. And a frame where it can sit in my office at home. And be enjoyed for good. A bit like the man himself.
HB
THIS ISSUE STEVE IS...
...just a man, standing in front of a crowd, asking them to love him.
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 19
JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE JACK THE MINER OBSERVES JAMIE COPPINGER; MORE THAN A MAN... A GENIUS, A GOD AND A DIPLOMAT James Coppinger leaned back in his luxurious black leather office chair. He sat, surrounded by walls adorned with framed shirts, medals and photographs; lots of photographs... James with the League One trophy, James at Wembley, James with Barak Obama, James with Beyonce... The tell-tale dark oblong outline of a removed picture frame distracted him momentarily. The autographed image of Michael McIndoe had been despatched to the bin several weeks ago. Copps rifled through his oak desk drawer. He pulled out a black and white image of himself digging a well in a war torn corner of Syria. It had been an unplanned stop off on his way back from a summer spent helping Ebola victims in West Africa. He placed the print in the space previously occupied by the jug-eared playboy McIndoe. ‘It’s been a good life,’ he mused as he stroked the dog; one of six puppies he had rescued from an ice cold river in the depths of last winter. Yes, life had been enjoyable so far but instinctively he knew there was more to come. One more magic moment; another Cardiff, another Wembley, another Brentford. But, for the time being, he was focussed on his Legends game.
Writing with an antique fountain pen, a gift from Secretary-General of the United Nation Kofi Annan, he first responded to Cheryl Cole’s request for a signed pair of his Armani underpants and then penned letters of thanks to all those who had agreed to take part in the Legends celebration. He doodled the provisional line-ups on his blotter and pondered who might fill the missing places in the two starting elevens. He sipped on his rich aromatic coffee, ground from beans grown on an estate funded by his own generous donations and planted by his own hand to help homeless Nicaraguan orphans and widows. ‘Midfield... a midfielder... who else can I get to...’ His deliberations were interrupted by the shrill ring of the ‘phone. He hoped it wasn’t David Cameron. Not again. It was getting embarrassing. Last time he had pretended to be the gardener... ‘I’m sorry but Master Coppinger is out. He’s serving food to the homeless’. He hesitated and picked up the ‘phone. A voice spoke.
“Hello mate. It’s me, James Harper” “Who?” asked Copps. “Your old team mate James ‘Jimbo’ Harper” Copps recognised the name but couldn’t place it. Harper continued,
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“It’s the Harpermeister, the midfield dynamo, The Jimster, the former Hull and Reading playmaker.” Copps was still struggling to put a face to the name but it wasn’t in his nature to be rude or abrupt.
“Yep, Basingstoke Town, temporarily. Just getting match fit waiting for the offers to come in y’know. So, write that down. Basingstoke. “ “OK, writing it as we speak. Thanks for calling.”
“It’s a bad line. I’m sorry. Who did you say it was calling?” He was trying to buy time.
Copps went back to his doodling... Doolan, Spicer, McDaid, Thornton...
“James, James Harper. I was the one who used to point a lot. James Harper, the pointer...I was thinking I should make myself available for your Legends game” Suddenly it clicked. It was the pointy man. But what could he say? He was hardly a legend. He was barely a footballer. “Yeah”, continued Harper, “I could do 90 minutes. Point at team mates, point at opponents, point where the ball should have gone, point where the ball has been, that sort of thing.” Coppinger collected his thoughts and spoke. “You know what my friend? That’s a really appealing thought because we’re a bit light in the pointing department and I can say without fear of contradiction that you’d be the right man for the pointy role but sadly we’re a bit oversubscribed in the midfield department, which is a tragedy. If only you’d called 24 hours ago I would have jumped at the opportunity because I know how much the Rovers fans admired your pointing.”
“Well, that’s nice of you to remind me of those happy days Copps. I could always feel the deep sense of love and veneration Rovers fans had for me. Anyway, you know where to find me if you need me.” “Certainly do mate.”
His thoughts were interrupted again by the buzzing of the telephone. Tentatively he picked it up. The voice was familiar.
“Hi Copps. Dean Saunders here. I was thinking about this Legends thing...” “Sorry Dean. I know why you’re calling but we’ve got Sean O’Driscoll and Dave Penney lined up. Not my idea. Obviously you’d have been my first choice but you know how these things are.” “I know Copps. It’s all political isn’t it? Anyway, it’s probably for the best. Me turning up would only take all the attention away from you. Well, another time then...” Coppinger tried to calm himself. He took a sip of his rapidly cooling coffee and chuckled when he caught sight of a text sent to him by Pope Francis..... How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups?.... Copps wondered where the Pope got this constant stream of Nun jokes from and sat, mobile in hand waiting for the punch line, only to be interrupted by the ‘phone again. He slowly picked up the receiver.
“Wazzuuuuup! So, ma main man...It’s me, bad boy Lewis, Lewis Guy. Now then, about this Legends game...” “Oh, F*** off Lewis.”
JTM
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 21
LEGEND-DAIRY LEWIS GRIMES FEELS COPPINGER’S UPCOMING LEGENDS GAME MIGHT BE SOMETHING OF A CASH COW ‘Legend’ is a word used far too much and far too loosely in football these days. A little part of me died inside when I read that upon buying a season ticket I could take a penalty against Doncaster Rovers ‘Legend’ Jan Budtz. I wouldn’t put him in my Top Five Rovers Goalkeepers… in fact he probably wasn’t even the best goalkeeper the season he played for us! (Shout out to Alan Blayney). So, what does it take to define a ‘Legend’ in footballing terms then? I’d say someone that has contributed over and above what the average player does, someone who every fan – from all generations – could identify, someone who has had special moments at the club. The kind of player who would scramble a last gasp promotion tap-in and throw his shirt into the crowd. The kind of player that would have the game of his life in a play-off semi final and score a career defining hat-trick to demolish the opposition. The kind of player who has made the journey from scrappy lower league youngster to the golden highs of the Championship, and back, and has been proud to wear the shirt. No Rovers fan in the land could argue against James Coppinger being a legend, and with it being his testimonial year what better way to celebrate the career of a living legend than with a (self-titled) ‘Legends’ game.
Imagine, the chance to see all your favourites shoulder-to-shoulder again. ‘Tokyo’ Tim Ryan blazing down the flanks, big ‘Sarge’ Albrighton barking orders, Sean O’Driscoll doing… well… being fairly composed. Imagine, the deafening screams of the crowd as Louis Tomlinson brings the ball under control... wait, what? That’s right boys and girls, a once in a lifetime opportunity to see your favourite mainstream pop act take centre stage on what should be a monumental achievement for an alternate boy-band haircut sporting superstar of our own. And all for the rather sour price of £21 for adults, £13 for children, or a meagre £60 for a family ticket. Now I know supply and demand is football’s age old Achilles heel. I guess exploiting people’s sentimentality and their emotional, tribal ties to maximize profit has become common practice. However, when it only takes a tiny bit of media hype to hear about Liverpools famous Champions League winners and their ‘Legend’ fixture to bid adieu to Steven Gerrard – priced at a reasonable £20 for adults, £5 for children – you somehow start to feel that this perhaps isn’t quite right. ‘But the money is going to charity, right, so stop being a tight-arse.’
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Wrong. The James Coppinger committee have claimed they ‘will make a donation after the year’s events are through’. Oh. ‘But testimonials were designed to allow players to earn a bonus after showing commitment to a club for so many years – why shouldn’t Copps get a nice send-off too?’ Actually, testimonial laws changed following the outcry when notorious sister-in-law shagger and apparent greedy bastard multi-millionaire Ryan Giggs decided to keep all the money (£2m I believe) from his testimonial at United. The rule then became that testimonial earnings would be taxed, as an attempt to control the endless greed of agents and moneymakers alike. Naturally some footballers found ways to combat this. Given their fortunate position, being paid literally hundreds of thousands to run around and kick bags of wind, many decided that rather than buy a third holiday home they could give all their profitable proceeds to charity. And coincidentally most cases researched: Niall Quinn, Leon Osman and, for the football trivia-men out there, Walsall’s own Darren Wrack chose to charge the going rate of a reasonable £10 adult ticket. So, to cut to the chase, I reckon it is possible to gather togther the following assumptions from these findings. Notable Rovers’ legend Louis Tomlinson
1. Louis is playing, not because of his deep rooted affinity and lifelong friendship with his one-off colleague James Coppinger, but because they see it as an instant bums-on-seats token from kids who probably haven’t even heard of Copps. The extortionate children’s ticket price reflects this. 2. They want more bums on seats because it will make more money for... you guessed it, the organisers! 3. They will no doubt make a token donation to charity once everyone else has had a lovely pay-off. I guess what I’m saying is, I think it’s a shame that a chance to show our respect and gratitude to an actual legend of this club, one of my footballing heroes, has been manipulated so easily to get one last paycheque at our expense. Of course, vote with your wallet – I’m not saying don’t go. I’m just saying don’t expect that you’re paying the going rate in exchange for a chance to reminisce on the career highs of a great player with fellow fans, amongst other stars you thought you’d never see in a Rovers shirt again, all in the aid of a good cause. Instead you’re paying double what most other clubs do to be in a halffull stadium surrounded by pigtailed, squealing One Direction fans, watching your favourite ex-players wear a special one-off shirt (for auction purposes) in aid of milking one last drop from the cash-cow that is football fans. And it’s going straight into agents and players pockets.
LG
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 23
LEO’S FORTUNE VEST A FORMER FRONT-MAN, A MUCKY UNDERGARMENT, THE FUTURE; MIKE FOLLOWS TIES IT ALL TOGETHER As we draw towards the season’s business end, many of us like to make predictions as to how things will pan out. Will Rovers manage to sneak into the playoffs? Will any of our strikers manage to break the 15 goal barrier? Will the quality of the beer get any better in the South Stand concourse? All of these are difficult to predict. Well, except for the beer. There’s more chance of Steve Evans winning lifetime achievement for modesty and fair play at the Pride of Britain awards than getting a decent pint of 1879 from the Copps’ Tap Inn. Fortunately, popular STAND has its very own prophet on hand to provide answers to all the above. By reading the shape and hue of the various stains on his favourite undergarment, ex Rovers striker Leo Fortune-West has developed powers of remarkable divination. Let’s join him as he consults the incredible oracle that is Leo’s Fortune Vest:
Who will win League One?
The KFC chicken gravy stain under the left nipple of my vest is shaped like a great big penis. A male chicken is also called a cock. As cocks go, they don’t come much bigger than Steve Cotterill, so it’s quite clear that the League One winners this season will be Bristol City. Fear not though. The congealed gravy is turning flaky, suggesting either a difficult season in the Championship for City, or a serious case of dandruff for Cotterill.
Where will Rovers finish?
I was wearing my Fortune Vest last weekend to do a spot of painting in the downstairs bog. The splashback from the roller has left eleven spots of magnolia emulsion on the front and if you join them up like a dot-to-dot they look a bit like a Rovers Viking badge. Or a tent. Or a scallop shell. It depends which way you join them up really. But I think it’s a Viking so you’d be a fool to not rush out to the bookies and back an eleventh place finish for Donny.
Will Paul Dickov still be in charge next season?
Once again, my ever-reliable vest holds the answer. There have been plenty of fans whining about the manager over the course of the season. My trusty vest has some wine in it too. A splash of Cabernet Merlot, six quid a bottle from Aldi. It won’t wash out so that’s castiron proof that Dickov is here to stay. Trevor next door says I should treat my vest with some pre-wash stain remover. Perhaps with the luxury of a settled pre-season, Paul can get the Rovers sparkling in 2015-16. Have you got any burning questions for our gangly, ten-bob-headed soothsayer to tackle? Maybe you’ve lost your car keys. Perhaps you want to know when David Cameron will shed his skin and reveal his alien reptilian form to the world. Feel free to send your requests to Leo via popular STAND’s usual methods of communication.
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MF
MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA ROB JOHNSON MUST HAVE THE BIGGEST LOFT IN DONNY, HERE HE IS WITH ANOTHERPIECE OF MEMORABILIA The humble scarf; one of the most quintessential pieces of football memorabilia. A dinosaur from the ages of rattles and flat caps, but still popular with football fans of all ages today. Like socks, the football scarf is something I have never gone out and bought myself, yet I seem to have loads of them. Mostly as a result of Christmas presents or a rescue mission from the Tut ‘n’ Shive lost property box from my time of working there. However, my favourite scarf was a gift from a Villa supporting friend of mine; given to commemorate our astonishing 3-0 victory over his side in the League Cup back in November 2005. I’m sure we all remember it like it was yesterday, but just to set the scene Belle Vue was still bouncing from a fortuitous penalty victory over Man City two rounds previous and David O’ Leary picked the strongest team available to him with Olaf Mellberg, Garteh Barry, James Milner, Milan Baros and Juan Pablo Angel all starting.
Things started ominously for Rovers when Steve Foster blatantly brought down Baros in the box only for the referee to wave away the Villa appeals. From there it was plain sailing for Doncaster in what is still, for me, the best Rovers performance I have ever seen. Michael Mcindoe opened the scoring after Liam Ridgewell was adjudged to have handled in the box - cue wild celebrations as Mcindoe slotted home the penalty in front of the Town End. In the second half an exquisite flick from Lewis Guy (yes, Lewis Guy) set up Paul Heffernan for a ridiculously cool finish past Thomas Sorensen and Sean Thornton completed the rout with a long range drive leading to glorious scenes as the players mobbed Dave Penney. Aside from the general significance of the occasion, the Villa game always felt more ‘mine’ than the other games in that run, chiefly as I was stuck on a course in Stoke for the City game and I didn’t manage to get a ticket for the Arsenal fixture. Acts of mutual respect between fans are few and far between in football’s tribal and competitive world, so when my mate presented me with a half Rovers, half Villa scarf and mumbled a ‘congratulations’ I knew how difficult that must have been for him. Every time I wear that scarf it reminds me not just of one our greatest ever results, but also of a touching act of mutual respect between fans.
RJ
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 25
JACK’S CRAIC JACK PEAT ON WHY LEAGUE ONE IS ‘THE SQUEEZED MIDDLE’ PERSONIFIED There’s relatively few safe bets in the run-up to the General Election in May, but one thing that’s safer than a one call insurance quote is that Red Ed will, at times incessantly, refer to the middle-class squeeze. Middle Britain has become a key battleground for political parties as the election of the century dawns. Figures suggest that although wealth distribution was squeezed by the recession that followed the financial crisis, both the rich and the poor came through with roughly the same level of assets that they had before the crisis. The poor had little wealth to start with and the rich stayed rich, part due to rising stock markets but also a hoovering up of assets which was perhaps exacerbated by an influx of overseas wealth. That leaves the middle strata. Credit crunched and taxed into oblivion there are generations of people socioeconomically wedged between the ‘working’ and ‘upper’ classes that face outrageous University fees, few professional prospects and as much chance of getting onto the property ladder as a Ryan & Tomlinson crowdfunding scheme taking off. Paying for a crisis they were unwitting participants of they are the sitting ducks of a system weighed perilously towards the upper order. Victims of the free market, slaves to the upper echelons; the aftermath of the Great
Financial Crisis is beginning to look remarkably like the top-down nature of the Football League.
Premiers and Champions The average televised Premier League game is now worth £10.2 million in TV rights after Sky and BT put their balls on the line to hammer out a staggering £5.1 billion deal for three seasons from 2016-17. With little thought for Britain’s football fans or its grassroots football this lucrative deal shoves pound notes into the pockets of clubs whose coffers are already filled to the point of bursting. The result is more £200K a week pay packets akin to bankers’ bonuses and overpriced acquisitions bought as benchwarmers, much like the asset-hoovering of giant corporations. But like the corporate social responsibility bollocks spouted by unethical multinationals the money crazed Premier League authorities have a raft of rhetoric aimed to appease football fans and justify the huge sums of money evading 99 per cent of people involved with the game. The corporation says £56m a year has been earmarked for grassroots projects, which placed in context is the equivalent of donating an eight pack of baked beans to the local Food Bank. This has a limited trickle-down effect outside the Champions of the Championship who await an eight
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figure sum if they secure one of three promotion places, bait that lures money in smatterings to prospective candidates for said places (Bournemouth being a case in point). But the fact that such vast amounts of money don’t extend beyond that highlights the defunct nature of a trickle-down system designed to make the rich richer, keep the poor, poor and squeeze those in the middle.
The Squeezed Middle of Britain is embodied by that bunch of teams crowded together in the third tier in a state of purgatory with around seven per cent in with a chance of progressing while the rest hover above a pseudo line of sustenance with no security, few prospects and completely untouched by the wealth of a league that is theoretically in touching distance but really poles apart.
League 1 and the Squeezed Middle
One has to wonder what might happen if the prophesied collapse of the Premier League did indeed happen. Would Chelsea and Liverpool suffer? Or would the middle strata be called upon to clean a mess they’re not even privy to? Either way the Big League One squeeze could soon become the norm. Bad news for us, good news for John Ryan’s next cosmetic marketing campaign.
This trend is personified by League 1. At the time of writing Rovers sit in the play-offs, a mere 13 points off the relegation zone. Some 14 teams sit within touching distance of the promotion spots whilst simultaneously being in danger of going down, which is a bizarre sporting phenomena but quite typical when placed in wider socio economic viewpoint.
JP
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 27
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE WAS BELLE VUE HAUNTED OR IS JAMES MCMAHON JUST RUNNING OUT OF COLUMN IDEAS? Now I’m entrenched in my thirties, there are three distinct changes to my being I’ve observed. One, I have hairs in my nose. Long hairs, like the sort I imagine cover the skin of Bigfoot, only protruding from my nose like a rusty aerial on an old Ford Escort, or a manky brush in a bucket. What I’m really saying is, the moment I turned thirty, I basically became the BFG. Two, I’ve got really into power ballads. Really into them. Sure, I spent my youth clinging to the climbing wall of pop culture. There was a time I liked new music, I checked out new bands, I went to gigs, sometimes even nightclubs. Now, I’d rather eat a bowl of reheated vomit than step inside a nightclub. My favourite album is Queen Greatest Hits 2. Thirdly, I routinely find myself thinking more and more about the past, about simpler times. Which, more often than not, will lead my mind to memories of the way we were. I spend an extraordinary amount of time thinking about Belle Vue. I had one of these expeditions into memory the other day. Seemingly from nowhere I began thinking about a primary school trip to our former home, organized via my teacher Mrs Rhodes, mother of stalwart Rovers goalkeeper Andy Rhodes, father of Jordan Rhodes… and that’s about as much as I know of the Rhodes family in truth.
I’d completely forgotten about that school trip until the other day. I can’t have thought about it once in almost thirty years. In truth, I was a little too early in my Rovers fandom for me to really appreciate it. It must have been 1986. I would have been six. I didn’t attend a Rovers game until I was nine, in 1989, a pre-season friendly against Reading that in recent years I’ve questioned whether I’ve made up the memory of, such is the internet’s failure to unearth any record of it. Now I’m no neurologist, but in my view, the tour of Belle Vue I went on as a child remained lodged in my brain for one principal reason. The guide told us that Belle Vue was haunted. A haunted football ground is not a memory a six year old forgets, even if the years that have passed have piled all kinds of useless crap on top of it. Had I remembered this correctly? Was this really a thing? And so, amazed at the recent recollection of this long dormant memory, I impulsively decided that for this edition of the Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge, I would investigate the claim further. This didn’t prove easy. Type ‘Belle Vue, haunted’ into Google and there’ll be a link to a story about a haunted strawberry farm in Omaha. Not only that, but nobody other than the Belle Vue tour guide I encountered in childhood has ever told me anything about our former home
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being residence to anything more terrifying than Jamie McCombe’s left foot. That was until I came across Richard Bailey at the Rovers Foundation. Richard started working for the club in 1993, and started leading the tours a year later. Who better placed to tell me whether Belle Vue was situated on the very vortex to hell than he? Who you gonna call? Richard Bailey! (Actually I emailed him, but it doesn’t really work saying that so let’s just go with it). Richard, am I correct in thinking Belle Vue was haunted, or have I just made that up…
“Well…” he says. “there was this one time I was in a meeting in the Executive Lounge under the Main Stand, it was a mid-summer’s evening and all of a sudden everyone in the meeting heard big heavy foot-steps coming from one end of the stand to the other…” And then you saw a headless horseman?
“Then a few people went into the stand and looked around from one end to the other,” Richard continues, maybe while shining a torch under his chin inside a sleeping bag, although probably not. “All the exits back then got locked up by metal gates on nonmatch days to stop break ins... There was no one to be seen!”
Could have been a rat. Convince me further Richard!
“Okay, so after one Friday night game,” says our man, “the gentleman in charge of the players’ tunnel area went to lock the away tunnel. He opened the door to the area as he always did and saw a player in a hooped shirt at the bottom of the tunnel…” But we play in hoops Richard…
“At that point we hadn’t played in the hoops since the 1920s!” Oh right. Christ!
“None of the staff liked working late at night,” continues Richard. “Especially in the dressing room area and the Community Office as both had tunnel access. If we worked at night we had to turn the floodlights off for the all weather pitch, then walk in pitch black for 400 meters to get back down our tunnel. Everyone was terrified of looking into the stand…” Did the players ever know anything about this?
“Not the players, no” says Richard. “But there was a physio who was working late one night and heard similar heavy footsteps to what I’d heard outside his treatment room, next to the changing rooms…” Okay that’ll do…
NEXT TIME IN THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE
The popular STAND team dress up as four American teenagers and an anthropomorphic dog, pitch up on the wasteland next to ASDA, and try to peel the face off a passing vagrant.
JM
a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | March/April 2015 | PS75 | 29
EDDIE GOING STEADY WHILST ROVERS MISS THEIR CURRENT IRISH MIDFIELDER ROBERT MARSHALL FONDLY REMEMBERS ONE FROM THE PAST I must admit to finding our midfield something of a conundrum this season. For all the talent available in that area it regularly appears less than the sum of its parts. Central in the debate, and the midfield, is Paul Keegan. I could find a number of faults with the bald midfielder, though in fairness my main issue is one he can do nothing about. It is simply that talk of an Irishman in the heart of the Doncaster midfield conjures only one name for me, and it aint Paul Keegan. Eddie Gormley was brought to the club by Billy Bremner in July 1990, on a free transfer from Tottenham Hotspur. Put straight into the team he had an immediate impact as Rovers won their opening five matches of the season. A typical Rovers fall from grace followed over the coming months, but no such fate befell Gormley. Eddie was an all action, box to box midfielder. He was a ‘proper’ footballer of the day who enjoyed a drink and was never far from a cigarette, but he’d run all day if his team required it. I will always recall how time and time again Eddie was somehow able to drag his team back into a game and frequently pulled that struggling Rovers team of the early 90s back into contests they should’ve been long out of, to ultimately keep them afloat.
He became affectionately known as ‘Steady Eddie’ in the Main Stand at Belle Vue, not due to his assured composure, but because, as he flew into tackles, the fans would plead with him “Jesus, gu steady Eddie”. A fixture throughout some testing times, he was the heart of the side, a tireless runner with a creative flair and eye for goal from long range. He was a big hit with the fans until his departure in 1993 and was twice crowned Rovers’ Player of the Year. Eddie chose to return to Ireland and continue his career at home, but who could blame him? The club’s struggles on the pitch were nothing compared to those off it. Financial losses were mounting year on year and the club faced a genuine threat to its existence with the PFA called in to pay the players wages and more than one occasion. The pursuit of a more stable workplace would be a reasonable motivation for anyone. A short spell a Drogheda was followed by a hugely successful six year stay at St Patrick’s Athletic where his characteristic performances saw him become a favourite on the terraces. He led the side to three League of Ireland Championships, as well as the FAI Super Cup in 1999. His performances brought great acclaim across Ireland and he was voted the PFA Players’ Player of the Year for the 1995-96 season as well as captaining the League of Ireland side for four years up to 2000.
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Remarkably, Eddie was to add Champions League football to his CV too whilst at St Pats and was captain of the side which recorded a historic 0-0 draw with the mighty Celtic in Glasgow, before a Henrik Larsson inspired second leg saw the Scots through on aggregate. Gormley retired from playing in 2005 after a five-year spell with Bray Wanderers, a side he would manage from 2006. Bray struggled, with financial restraints off the pitch making life on it difficult, yet somehow they retained their place in Ireland’s top league year on year before Eddie left the club in 2010. Despite their troubles, his team tried to play good, proper football; a philosophy which he now has the chance to revisit. The last few weeks have seen him return to football management with the newly formed and newly licenced Cabinteely FC. The side has been in existence, in various guises, for over 80 years. Traditionally a schoolboy club they boast teams across both sexes and all age groups. The decision to expand has not been rushed, it has been years in the making and the finances for the first full year are already in place, with the ready-made youth structure an integral part of the plan moving forward “It’s like building a house,” Gormley told a local radio station, “you don’t put the roof on first, you have to have good foundations”. Cabinteely have become a crucial part of the community and now they have a senior side who are part of League of Ireland 1st Division. “It’s football for all. We don’t turn anyone away”.
Around 1,000 players across 55 teams suggest he is right and as a result the new senior side have an instant fan base eager to get behind a team which has set its sights on promotion to the Premier League. Over 1,400 turned out to see the team, made up of teenagers and young hopefuls – including former Doncaster Rovers youth team left back and first year pro Evan Finnegan – win their first game 1-0 in the middle of March, suggesting the signs both on and off the pitch are good. There will be ups and downs in the months ahead (the club have won one and lost two since) but if Eddie works as hard as he did in the middle of the Belle Vue pitch, he will surely make the club a success. If our current exponents of the Rovers midfield followed a similar ethos, we’d doubtless be tasting more of that success ourselves.
RM
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FROM BENEATH THE STATUE IS IT TIME FOR DICKOV TO GO? NOT IF EDITOR GLEN WILSON HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT As I write these words a man has just been sacked for hitting a colleague. He’s pretty famous apparently, you may have heard of him - the sacked fella that is, not the guy he hit. What is most remarkable about this man getting sacked for hitting a colleague, is that some people think that sacking him is wrong.
Even the Prime f***ing Minister felt compelled to comment on it, because you know, there’s nowt else more important he could be getting on with in an Election year. Overlord Cameron said his children would be heartbroken if Top Gear was cancelled. His children. Not him. He of course doesn’t have a heart.
Some people thought this so strongly that they felt compelled to hire a tank in order to illustrate just how wrong sacking someone for hitting a colleague was. Indeed so caught up were the media in debating whether a man who hit a colleague should be sacked or not, they were prepared to overlook the arguably more concerning news of just how easy it is for people with extreme views to obtain a tank in this country. I had to do an online health and safety course before I could lift box-files in my office, surely there’s some kind of assessment of motives and mind required before your local tank-hire firm gives you a 30 tonne weapon to drive through the nation’s capital.
Anyway, to rein this back in towards something vaguely relevant to this publication, football managers must’ve been watching all this unfold with faces aghast, mouths agape, eyes agog, and other body parts doing other things with similar alliteration. Not for a manager the luxury of being able to hit someone and still have people championing their cause. No, lose a handful of games in a row and everyone will be calling for their head. Drop a crowd favourite and they’ll be for the dreaded vote of confidence. Poor old Mickey Adams was serenaded with the news he was getting ‘sacked in the morning’ by the visiting Doncaster Rovers fans before he’d even made it out of the Bramall Lane tunnel to be introduced to his public. Imagine the freedom at which managers could operate if they knew they could punch a player and still have the leader of the country championing their cause. Imagine the sheer volume of applicants for the Chelsea job.
The reason I bring up this massive weapon – and the tank – is princely because his actions managed to lead to an actual debate on whether or not he should be sacked. I mean yes, he hit a colleague, but then he is a ‘proper legend’ and ‘Top Gear is class’ so you know, could’ve gone either way really.
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Paul Dickov hasn’t hit a colleague. Not that we know of anyhow. But that hasn’t stopped people calling for his head. The moment the full-time whistle sounds after a defeat the online posts begin. ‘Why is he still here?’ ‘Time for him to go’, ‘Enough is enough’, and ‘Dickoff ’. On a Rovers messageboard one supporter argued ‘This squad should be top four or five in this league, but he’s got us midtable’. The gap between satisfaction and disillusionment; eight points. At the start of this season I predicted that Rovers would finish eighth. With six games to go we are ninth and have a chance of finishing higher. Were others really expecting so much more? Dickov is arguably the victim of the success of our last League One sojourn; that 2013 title has given many unrealistic expectations of what the club can deliver in the third tier. You can’t argue that Dean Saunders assembled a strong fifteen players or so who really clicked and played for one another. But without depth he was also blessedly lucky that his side managed to stay relatively injuryfree up to the point of his departure. Dickov hasn’t had that luck.
I also don’t believe he’s had anywhere near long enough in charge to be judged. Yes, he is approaching the end of his second season here, and I know ‘a week is a long time in football’, but you know what, f*** football. Why must we always judge ourselves against every other club? In any other profession, the directors changing their manager once a year would be the sign of a flailing institution. In football, such an approach is damn near demanded as the norm. Why do we fear the long term so much? Last year Dickov was fighting fires, the odds and boardroom wrangling to try and keep the side in the second tier. His job now is a completely different one. He is rebuilding; the first steps in a long-term plan to put more focus on youth and bring through more young talent. He is only seven months in to that role, and if the club are – as stated – looking long term then you have to judge the manager against that remit. At current Dickov is fulfilling his objectives; back-to-back defeats in March don’t change that. Everyone wants to see their side challenging for promotion, but ultimately only three teams can achieve it; does it really follow then that the other twenty-one managers are failing? Paul Dickov gets what Rovers are about and are trying to do, he gets what it means to be involved in a community football club, He isn’t in it for short term glory, or his own progress. In football managers these are rare qualities we’d do well to value and should strive to remember the next time we concede a soft late winner – rather than racing to be the first to demand retribution. Besides, it’s not like he’s hit anyone… yet.
GW
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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND OUR MAN DUTCH UNCLE CASTS HIS STATISTICAL EYE ACROSS ROVERS’ FORTUNES IN CUP FOOTBALL Following my last two articles looking at Rovers’ matches in the League Cup and Associate Members’ Cups I now bring you an overall look at Rovers’ history in knockout competitions since 1923-24.This covers all our Football League and Conference seasons, with the exception of Rovers’ first three seasons in Division 2 in 190102, 1902-03 and 1904-05. Wartime competitions, abandoned matches, and regional competitions are excluded, so the list of competitions covered is: - FA Cup (1924-25 to 2014-15) - Division 3 North Challenge Cup (1933-34, 1934-35 and 1936-37) - Football League Cup (1960-61 to 1997-98 and 2003-04 to 2014-15) - Football League Group Cup (1981-82) - Associate Members’ Cup (1983-84 to 1997-98 and 2001-02 to 2014-15) - Football Conference Cup (1998-99 to 2000-01) - Football Conference and League play-offs (2002-03 and 2007-08)
Competition
FA Cup Division 3 North Challenge Cup League Cup Football League Group Cup Associate Members’ Cup FA Trophy Conference Cup Play-Offs
The full list of matches played and results is shown in the table at the foot of the page, and should be read with the accompanying notes in mind. 1. Eleven of the matches listed as draws above were decided on penalties, five in our favour and six lost*. 2. Two abandoned FA cup ties, which were replayed, are not included in this table; home versus Desborough Town in 1926-27 (abandoned at 0-0, later won 3-0) and home versus Stoke City in 1929-30 (abandoned at 2-3 down, later won 1-0). 3. Rovers withdrew from the FA Cup preliminary round in 1923-24 following late election to League Division 3 North; we had been drawn at home to Fryston Colliery. 4. After World War II, although League football did not resume until 1946-47, the FA Cup of 1945-46 is included.
Seasons
85 3 50 1 25 5 3 2 Totals:
P
207 6 125 3 65 10 12 6 434
W
79 3 36 1 27 3 11 3 163
D
42 0 33 0 14 2 0 3 94
L
86 3 56 2 24 5 1 0 177
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F
296 19 162 3 87 13 23 11 614
A
318 13 232 4 86 18 6 5 682
*WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND QUIZ QUESTION Can you name the eleven matches in which Rovers have contested a penalty shoot-out? Answers on page 37. The spoils of these 434 cup ties are five trophies. The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy in 2006-07, the Football Conference Cup in 1998-99 and 1999-00, and of course two play-off victories in 2002-03 and 2007-08. As for the others, the furthest Rovers have progressed in the FA Cup is the 5th round; reached on four occasions, all within five seasons from 195152 to 1955-56. The furthest we have ventured in the League Cup is the quarter finals in 1975-76 and 200506. Our best run in the old Division 3 North Challenge Cup was a semi-final in 1937-38. In contrast the best FA Trophy run mustered during our five Conference seasons was the 4th round (last 32), reached in 1999-00 and 2001-02. The largest attendance from these 434 fixtures won’t surprise you, it being the 75,132 at Wembley for our play-off victory over Leeds in 2007-08. This is followed by the 59,024 at the Millennium Stadium for the 200607 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy final against Bristol Rovers. Away from the showpiece games, there were 57,830 at St Andrews in 1954-55 for a 5th round FA Cup tie with Birmingham and 57,443 at Arsenal for a 3rd round tie in 1952-53. Our largest home attendance for a cup fixture is 30,436 achieved against Tottenham Hotspur in the 1955-56 FA Cup 5th round. In the League Cup Rovers’ largest away attendance is also against Tottenham – 25,702 in 1975-76 – whilst the largest Belle Vue crowd was 24,988 for a 1964-65 tie with Burnley.
As can be expected from nearly 90 years of cup football, the 614 goals Rovers have scored are widely spread across 256 Rovers players, plus a further nine own goals from opponents. Given that (aside from the three 1930s seasons in the Division 3 North Challenge Cup) the FA Cup was Rovers’ sole knockout excursion until the League Cup’s introduction in 1960 it is no surprise our leading cup goalscorers are from relatively recent seasons. Paul Heffernan is Rovers’ leading cup scorer with 18 goals (4 FA Cup, 4 League Cup and 10 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy), and is closely followed by Peter Kitchen who notched 16 (9 FA Cup and 7 League Cup). Both Alick Jeffrey (8 FA Cup, 4 League Cup) and Brendan O’Callaghan (2 FA Cup, 10 League Cup) struck 12 cup goals for Rovers, whilst Colin Douglas and Bert Tindill – the leading knockout scorer from the pre-League Cup seasons both have nine goals to their name. Paul Heffernan also boasts the most prolific season for a player, scoring ten goals in 2006-07 (1 FA Cup, 9 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy). This was comfortably ahead of the previous best of six cup goals in a season shared by Ron Morgan (1937-38), Laurie Sheffield (1966-67), Brendan O’Callaghan (1975-76), Ian Duerden (1998-99) and Heffernan’s himself from the previous season.
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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 34 AND 35 The highest number of goals scored by a Rovers player in a single cup game is four, a feat shared by two players. Mick Kilhoury was the first, in a 7-0 home win over Blyth Spartans in the 1937-38 FA Cup. This was matched by Glen Kirkwood in 1999, also in the FA Cup, and also in a 7-0 home win against a non-league side from the north east; Crook Town. In addition, six Rovers players have struck cup hat-tricks; Harry Brooks and Ron Morgan both did so in the 1937-38 Division 3 North Challenge Cup, Jack Kirkaldie too in the 194647 FA Cup, and, in the League Cup, Peter Kitchen (1973-74) and Brendan O’Callaghan (1975-76). The sixth hattrick is not only the most recent, but also probably the most famous, most memorable, it being Jamie Coppinger’s against Southend in the 2007-08 League One play-offs. The most knockout competition matches Rovers have played in one season was the 14 of the 2006-07 season. This comprised of four games in the FA Cup, three in the League Cup and seven in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy culminating, of course, in the final in Cardiff. This beat the previous record of 12, played in 1998-99, a season which also ended with silverware; five in the FA Cup, one in the FA Trophy and six in the Conference Cup.
Prior to that the record had been the 25 goals struck in 1937-38 (11 FA Cup, 14 Division 3 North Challenge Cup). That record breaking 2006-07 season, you won’t be surprised to read, also saw the highest number of matches won in knockout competitions with ten victories; six of those coming on the way to winning the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy, on top of two in each of the FA Cup and League Cup. The next highest number of wins is nine, notched in the 1998-99 season; six on the way to winning Conference Cup and three in the FA Cup. Incidentally, the five knock-out matches won away from home this season is an all time record, although it is only equal of our achievement of 2002-03 if you are to include wins via penalty shootouts. Perhaps unsurprisingly the 2006-07 season is also the one campaign which saw Rovers score most cup goals; 30 in total (4 FA Cup, 8 League Cup and 18 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy). Prior to that the record had been the 25 goals struck in 1937-38 (11 FA Cup and 14 Division 3 North Challenge Cup).
Perhaps unsurprisingly the 2006-07 season is also the one campaign which saw Rovers score their most cup goals; 30 in total (4 FA Cup, 8 League Cup and 18 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy). 36 | PS75 | March/April 2015 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
That record breaking 2006-07 season, you won’t be surprised to read, also saw the highest number of matches won in knockout competitions with ten victories; six of those coming on the way to winning the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy, on top of two in each of the FA Cup and League Cup. The next highest number of wins is nine, notched in the 1998-99 season; six on the way to winning Conference Cup and three in the FA Cup. Incidentally, the five knock-out matches won away from home this season is an all time record, although it is only equal of our achievement of 2002-03 if you are to include wins via penalty shootouts.
QUIZ QUESTION ANSWERS 1976-77 - League Cup R1 vs Lincoln: won 3-2 (at Nottm Forest) 1990-91 - AMC R1N vs Scunthorpe: lost 2-4 2002-03 - Play-offs at Chester: won 4-3 2004-05 - AMC R2N at Hereford: lost 1-3 2005-06 - League Cup R2 vs Manchester City: won 3-0 2005-06 - League Cup R5 vs Arsenal: lost 1-3 2006-07 - League Cup R2 vs Derby: won 8-7 2006-07 - League Cup R3 at Wycombe: lost 3-5 2007-08 - AMC R3N at Grimsby: lost 4-5 2012-13 - League Cup R1 vs York: won 4-2 2012-13 - AMC QFN at Crewe: lost 3-5
On only four occasions have Rovers reached the third round of both major knockout competitions; the FA Cup and League Cup. The first was 196465 (third round of both), the second was 2005-06 (FA Cup third round, League Cup quarter finals), whilst the most recent was the current season (2014-15), where we have reached the third round of both the League Cup and FA Cup as well as the third round of the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy. Reaching the third round of three cups has been achieved by Rovers on only one other occasion, namely 200607, which, as this piece has shown, certainly has to be judged as our best ever knockout season. Of course I am writing this article under the firm assumption that our knockout matches in 2014-15 are finished. This is a deliberate act of reverse psychology and I will claim all the credit if Rovers should reach the play-offs again. Caveat: No figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all the Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/ or Barry Watson.
BW
Bernard Glover's
BELIEVE IT or NOT One-time Rovers’ defender Brian Taylor appeared on 1990s Saturday night television staple You Bet! on which he ate three whole roast chickens, in under ten minutes.
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REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE YOU’VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST AVOIDED PULL UP A BAR STOOL, REG IPSA IS IN SESSION STAR LETTER
I LYCRA WAY YOU MOVE
ROVER EXCITED Hi Reg, With Rovers winning again I’ve been coming home from games really chuffed, the wife doesn’t go, but she’s always thrilled when we’ve won and, cut a long story short, we’ve had some great nights in the boudoir. Thing is, what to do when Rovers form takes a dip? Eddie Bucket, Edenthorpe
REG RESPONDS Lie to her.
REFFIN’ HELL Reginald, I am at the end of my tether with my son. He is 25, has no exams and every job he’s tried he’s been sacked from for being inefficient, inept or stupid. He keeps making the wrong decision and is overweight. Any advice? Frank Splatter, Dunscroft
REG RESPONDS I’ve had a word. Wearing black is very slimming. Given his history and skills he’d make a great League One referee. I’ve got a leaflet. See you in the Horse & Jockey. Mine’s a pint - of port.
Dear Reg, Since getting a touch of Delhi Belly on holiday my other half has lost three stone and looks great. I managed to borrow one of them lycra suits the Insurance ladies wear before games. Problem is he won’t wear it. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve put the afro wig on and done his Afro Goal Machine fantasy. Can you mediate? Lesley Bean, Scawsby
REG RESPONDS I think the pair of you have made an awful mistake. If you like I can knock out a divorce for £500 cash - and a borrow of that lycra outfit if you can. For a friend, like.
WRONG DIRECTION Na then Reg, With Louis Tomlinson agreeing to play in Coppinger’s testimonial game my mate Spud has decided to grow out his curly hair as he reckons he looks like that Harry Styles and will be mobbed by the girls. He is a bit chunky and my dad says he looks like Eddie Yates off Coronation Street. I’m skinny and wear glasses and dad says I look like Curly Watts. Have you any advice for us? Jasper Scrotum, Carr Hill
REG RESPONDS I did the long hair thing in the 1970’s. Thought I looked like the singer in Showaddywaddy. On reflection I looked more like Dougal of The Magic Roundabout. Let your mate have his fun. And don’t hide yourself anyway - Curly ended up with Racquel and she was gorgeous. Now then… has that lycra suit turned up yet?
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HB