popular STAND 76

EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen, If you think this past season has been a tough one to watch, then try finding a way to summarise it under 900 words. In case I lose track over the coming paragraphs let me state up front the mantra I’m looking to pad out here. Inconsistent, but far from a disaster.

Last summer, when pressed for a prediction on how Rovers would fare I stuck my finger in the air and said that we’d finish eighth. With the most important players from our last third tier campaign either departed – Chris Brown and David Cotterill – or injured – Rob Jones – it seemed remiss to expect us to challenge at the first time of asking. So, as disappointing and tedious as some of Rovers’ performances have been, it would be somewhat remiss of me to demand a wave of change and denounce all involved when, over forty-six matches, we’ve finished just two points short of my expectations.

The increasing clamour in recent weeks for the manager to go (including on page 10 of this issue) – followed by the inevitable lamenting of the board’s ‘ambition’ by those who use such a term as a direct synonym for ‘heavy investment’ – would suggest that most people had bigger expectations than I, but I’m not sure that’s the case.

The key problem for Paul Dickov – as has been touched on in popular STAND throughout this season – is the terribly poor home form. As Dutch Uncle highlights on page 34 of this issue, this season has seen the most marked contrast between poor home form and away success ever. Had things been the other way round, and Rovers abjectness occurred mainly on the road, then the manager would certainly be under less fire. Whether it comes down to adopting a more cavalier approach, or just finding a stubbornness to grind out a win, Dickov needs to master the art of satisfying the home fans if he is going to give himself room to breathe and develop this club.

CONTENTS: ISSUE 76 05.

10.

13.

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15.

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18.

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22.

The Bernard Glover Diaries Marshall Matters Remembering the First Time Belles Calling Keepmoat Krushes Conference Calls Personal Programming Memorable Memorabilia Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Waugh, Huh, Yeah!

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My Life In Hoops Jack’s Craic Theo-Logical Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge The Donny Comet Black Bank From Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle Matchday Twitter Bingo

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Whilst the manager has shouldered much of the blame for the lesser aspects of Rovers’ season it is unfair to hold him to account for the remarkable levels of inconsistency of many of the playing squad. Though he has scored some brilliant goals this season, I am personally yet to see Curtis Main offer anything beyond inane jumping in the vague direction of where a football once was. Richie Wellens too often looks like a disinterested end-of-the-pier tribute act of himself, whilst Reece Wabara offers up the unfathomable quandary of how a full-back can look so devoid of defensive ability in his natural position, but appear far and away our best centre-half. We all know there is quality in our side, but can you really legislate for professional footballers turning in the sort of performance that makes you wonder if they’re actually starring in an episode of Faking It, whilst somewhere else a real footballer is trying to play the bassoon in the London Philharmonic.

Not that everything on the field has been without hope. Back at the start of the season, once the John Direction nonsense faded away, Rovers publicised plans to blood more local young talent into the side. Indeed, on page 26 of this issue Jack Peat presses home a want to see our own youth prospects afforded more of a chance next season.

Encouragingly, in the games since Jack submitted his piece we have seen that happen with Mitchell Lund starting the last three games, and a debut for Jack McKay. Add in the cameos this season from Liam Mandeville, Harry Middleton, Billy Whitehouse and a pre-injury run in the side for Liam Wakefield and we’ve actually seen more home-grown talent feature in the first team than in any other season I can remember. The future may be brighter than we’re allowing ourselves to believe.

But back to the Keepmoat, and one key point to end, in that responsibility for improving things at home doesn’t necessarily sit solely with manager and players. On a couple of visits to home games this season what surprised me most was not how unremarkable Rovers were, but how bloody quiet it was. For too long parochialism and a petty obsession with point-scoring and personal nit-picking among sections of our support has hampered and diluted our once greatest asset; a collective sense of ‘us against them’.

The result has been a divided, suspicious support all looking at each other, rather than getting behind the team.

Thankfully, in this sphere, things too are looking up. The Black Bank movement (detailed further on page 31), coupled with moves to make the South Stand unreserved, will hopefully start to bring the noise back. Whatever reservations you may have I urge you to ditch them quickly and get behind this push in any way you can – be that by yelling and shouting for 90 minutes, or by moving a block along from your usual seat so someone who is more inclined to can get involved.

It’s about pulling together, being a support once again, and making attending matches an enjoyable experience for as many as possible.

How could you possibly argue with that?

Enjoy the summer break, God knows we’ve all earned one, and here’s to a joyful, positive, noisy 2015-16 season.

Viva Rovers!

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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE AND ALREADY ON THE BEACH, YEP IT’S ROVERS’ LAST MONTH REVISITED FRIDAY 3 APRIL ROVERS 0-3 BRADFORD CITY Typical really. You pen a thoughtful fanzine article on why Paul Dickov deserves more time, then, come the day you sell it, his team deliver a performance that is inexcusably abject. It is easy to see how Bradford – effective but far from spectacular – have given greater sides than ours headaches this season. In your face from the start, pressing, harrying, battling, balanced with flashes of impressive skill, chiefly from Billy Clarke.

Rovers’ defence dealt with Bradford admirably before half time, but crumbled after it. City took the lead when Gary Mackenzie smashed home the loose ball after a couple of blocked efforts and a general failure to clear. Within ten minutes it was 2-0; a ball through the gap set James Hanson away and Clarke found the net. Like many home fans, I heard the third goal from outside.

Rovers only telling chance came from their most miserable of performers; Curtis Main neatly sidestepping his man on the edge of the box to rifle a shot off the angle of post and bar. Sadly, his other 89 minutes and 40 seconds of ‘involvement’ were spent inanely jumping for lost causes and looking for fouls that weren’t ever there. At one point in the first half Main carefully and methodically dribbled the ball away from goal and out for a throw-in. By doing so he inadvertently encapsulated Rovers’ game in a nutshell – a pointless meander in a hopeless direction.

TUESDAY 7 APRIL SHEFFIELD UNITED 3-2 ROVERS Unbelievable really. Rovers were much the better team, but yet again paid the price for defensive vulnerability.

In many ways this game epitomised Dickov’s time in charge; weak at the back, promising going forward and unlucky with key decisions. The good ship HMS McCombe reminded us why he’s probably past his best now, upending Matt Done when there was no real danger as he ran away from goal.

Conversely Kyle Bennett showed just what he is capable of with two stunning strikes worthy of winning any encounter.

Bennett was a constant menace, full of confidence and performing brilliantly, with Jamie Coppinger proving an equal foil on the other flank. God how we miss Copps; his run and pass to find Bennett for his first goal were sublime, and many of the travelling faithful were bemused when he was removed with twenty minutes left.

Unfortunately, for all Rovers neat build up play and attacking prowess, United managed two shots on target and won the game. Had the referee given an absolutely stonewall penalty for handball in the final minute Rovers may have got a deserved point. As it was, the game ended with defeat and the odd murmur from the crowd on the manager’s availability, which, on this 90 minutes alone – Rovers dominating the majority of the game – was a little unjustified.

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SATURDAY 11 APRIL ROVERS 1-1 ROCHDALE

spotted!

LUKE McCULLOUGH

Looking really miserable in The Priory after the Notts County game.

spotter: @beetlebeard

JOHN BUCKLEY

Entering the 24 hour Asda with his son just as I was leaving self-service. No idea what he bought.

spotter: @StevenYardley

COLIN DOUGLAS

In Urban bar most Saturday nights wearing jeans and a denim jacket, drinking John Smiths

spotter: @pswift0601

ROBERT DEBENHAM

In the changing rooms at the Dome the other week, where we’re both ‘reserve, reserves’ for the same five-a-side game.

spotter: @tombiltcliffe

STEVE BEAGLEHOLE

On an early morning jog down Wheatley Hall Road. Keeping a good pace, no sweat running down his tanned face.

spotter: @matchstickowen

A frustrating afternoon for both sides this one as neither Rovers or Rochdale lived up to their promise. The visitors had started brighter, but it was Rovers who opened the scoring after quarter of an hour. Reece Wabara – who would shortly after be booked for a laughable dive – crossed from the byline for Bennett to notch his third goal in a week. Bizarrely, the linesman flagged for offside, but thankfully the referee had enough common sense to allow it.

Rochdale wouldn’t have the same luck when they found the net seven minutes later; their effort being ruled out. A goal up Rovers continued to create the better chances, with McCombe going close with an overhead kick… no, really. Although Rovers went out after half-time looking for a second goal, they were soon pegged back when the impressive Joel Logan crossed for Ian Henderson to turn home.

From then on it was all Rochdale and Rovers needed Stephen Bywater to be on form to keep themselves level.

Even Bennett faded as the game went on, fizzling out completely towards the end as both teams seemed to settle for the draw that will ensure both teams continue slouching towards the mid-table obscurity they’re doubtless destined to end the season with.

TUESDAY 14 APRIL LEYTON ORIENT 0-1 ROVERS For the first forty-five minutes of this fixture I thought I’d accidentally pitched up at the filming of a new reality show, one where you have to pick out the one professional footballer from among 21 actors. Midway through the half I thought I’d identified the token cruel reality show plot twist… there wasn’t a footballer among them.

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It was a painfully awful football match, devoid of control and poise. Had they displayed the possession stats of the opening twenty minutes or so they would have read Orient 15%, Rovers 10%, Bouncing around in the ether 75%. It was like watching twentytwo men with hangovers attempting to learn a new sport. In the midst of this inability Orient squandered two brilliant chances; Andrea Dossena scuffing a half-volley wide and Darius Henderson denied by a point-blank Bywater save.

Mercifully, a bold tactical change at the break saw the 11 imposters who had played out the first half replaced by a football team. Bennett found his touch; Furman found his feet and when Rovers were awarded a freekick out wide there was only ever one man who was going to meet it; Rob Jones, back from the dead to crown his second coming with a bullet header into the bottom corner. Devoid of ideas and hope Orient resorted to punting long balls at the Rovers back-line, but fashioned just two credible chances; each saved well by Bywater.

McCombe came on to sure up the backline, replacing Main who’d put a shift in, I’m not sure as what, but he’d put a shift in. Despite going to one up top, Rovers continued to fashion forward breaks, and had they ventured in the direction of the goal rather than the corner flag at any point in the final ten minutes it may have been even more than 1-0.

SATURDAY 18 APRIL ROVERS 0-0 FLEETWOOD TOWN So evocative of this game was Jack Peat’s match report for our website that we found ourselves namechecked in The Guardian. For those of you who missed it, here’s Jack’s report in full...

The problem with paint drying is that it’s hard to know what you are going to get. You’ve painted the fireplace wall and returned after supper to find it is bone dry, but take the same paint with a matt finish and apply it to the upstairs bathroom and all of a sudden you’re left red faced with paint all over your paws.

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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES CONTINUED FROM PAGES 6 AND 7 Dealing with this veritable mixed bag of outcomes is one of life’s great challenges.

I often muse during redecoration how paint would probably be more predictable had Adam not gone for that apple. I chuckle to myself at the thought as the roller crosses a slightly hollow patch on the wall, fully aware that that part is sure to be the slowest to dry.

I think what makes paint drying so perplexing is that there are so many variables. Have you rolled or brushed?

How versatile is the surface? And don’t get me started on the finish; dead-flat matt (the paint aficionado’s nightmare), water-based eggshell or silk. Of course, some formulations contain vinyl to make them more hardwearing, but how does that impact their drying speed?

For those of you who, like myself, have spent days on end watching paint dry, frantically trying to predict the outcome, I don’t need to explain what a roller coaster ride it can be. For those at the Keepmoat for Rovers against Fleetwood, I suggest you give it a try.

SUNDAY 19 APRIL COPPINGER’S LEGENDS GAME Yes this was priced far too high, and yes including Louis Tomlinson in the mix meant that for a few too many people present the star of the show wasn’t the star of the show. But that can’t detract from what was a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon at the Keepmoat that reiterated just how much more fun football is when we take it less seriously.

Well,. I say ‘we’, I mean most of us.

A certain pop star can be deemed an exception given his determination to tackle Richie Wellens’ young son.

Still, the game offered so much; Andy Warrington’s brilliance, Albrighton’s no-nonsense defending, Billy Sharp and Coppinger’s link play, Tim Ryan nutmegging Copps, an unstoppable header from big Leo, Brian Stock’s arrow-like passing, Mark McCammon’s sheer bulk, and John Doolan. There was genuine shock at how much ground John Doolan covered, despite covering so much ground, and though he was carrying more timber than a Travis Perkins delivery he still fired passes round the pitch for fun; capping it off with a brilliant volleyed goal.

It’s probably rare you can feel overcharged and that you still got value for money; this was one of those occasions. It was a real joy to be in the Keepmoat and watch so many names synonymous with the last ten years.

Just a shame - for both Coppinger and the fans - that the price proved an unavoidable barrier to so many.

TUESDAY 21 APRIL MK DONS 3-0 ROVERS Given that as a fanzine, we have long criticised anyone who sets foot in Stadium MK for committing an act of treason against the name of football, I suppose it would be somewhat hypocritical of us to criticise Rovers for failing to turn up for the second half of this fixture.

Rovers, though they created little in the way of opportunities of their own, effectively nullified the dark heart of the Football Association for over an hour.

But then MK got a huge slice of luck; no not another football team ripe to be lifted away from the heart of its support, but a very spawny deflection.

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Young Mitchell Lund heading clear, only to see the ball cannon back of the head of Dean Bowditch and loop into the far corner of the goal.

After that MK added two more as Carl Baker twice skirted round Cedric Evina as if he were an initial FA decision to reject the relocation of a football club, to slot the ball beyond Bywater.

After the game one of MK’s fans took issue with our preview/dismissal of his club on twitter, ‘coming from someone with an association with Doncaster’ he said. Aye, but then at least I and my club both share that long association with my town. History and a longstanding place in the community will always be more rewarding than a 3-0 home win over a team already on the beach. So, some solace at least.

SATURDAY 25 APRIL NOTTS COUNTY 2-1 ROVERS Paul Dickov has left the youth team graduates on the bench in recent weeks and has been criticised for not giving them an opportunity. Today he started some of those youth team graduates, and was criticised by some for ‘hanging the youngsters out to dry’. The poor guy can’t win, in more ways than one.

This result was arguably inevitable; team desperate for a win defeats team with absolutely nowt to play with. The County goals reflected that distinction; the hosts quicker to react to turn in the first one; and then allowed more time to deliver the cross for the second.

A Nathan Tyson penalty offered some respectability, but whilst disquiet against the manager continues, you can’t really ignore just how many players have been phoning in their performances in the past month.

GW

tweet disposition THE INSIGHTFUL THOUGHTS OF ROVERS’ PLAYERS ON TWITTER @ReeceWabara

First Dates - Genius Programme

@harry_forrester So disappointing

@ceddyevina

Good luck to everyone involved in the London Marathon today, specially the ones running for charities

@MarosiMarko Get in Chelsea

@ceddyevina

Wozzerz this wind

@harry_forrester

What a beautiful day!!

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MARSHALL MATTERS IS IT TIME FOR PAUL DICKOV TO GO? ROB MARSHALL RECKONS IT IS The other day I caught a preview of the Champions League quarter final first leg between Madrid’s neighbours Atletico and Real on the radio. It contained a warning for the free-flowing Galacticos, with the European correspondent noting a genuine physicality to Atletico and advising that as they seemed to become more aggressive with each derby - Real should steel themselves for a genuine battle.

The reasoning behind this was clear and appeared so obvious it barely merited saying (though as often is the case with TalkSport, it was anyway) ‘Diego Simeone - well, he’s built a team in his own image hasn’t he?’ Throughout his illustrious playing days the Atletico manager was known for his aggression and strength in midfield. He was a battler who would roll his sleeves up and fight, but when the battle was won, he could play as well.

It seemed reasonable to consider the virtues someone extolled as a player would constitute the bare minimum he’d expect as a manager?

Such reasoning I couldn’t translate to the Rovers. Our own manager, nicknamed ‘The Wasp’ and ‘The Pest’ during his playing career, was the kind of footballer you inevitably hated if he was playing against your team; throwing himself into

challenges; full of commitment, energy and bite. He could be awful on the pitch, a right pain in the arse, but no one could say he lacked the desire to win.

So why then, given these qualities are what personified his playing days, do they seem lacking from his own team so regularly? I don’t think things are quite a simple as that, it’d be easier if it were. I think things are deeper than commitment; that should be a given at this level. There is however, more crucially, a lack of direction from the dugout at present.

I’ve a confession to make. When Sean O’Driscoll was sacked I thought the correct decision had been made. I’m aware of other factors, ‘experiments’ and what not, but let’s look solely at football for now; I thought that on the pitch he’d lost his way, becoming almost obtuse in his team selection, as he refused to change things which weren’t working and hadn’t worked for months.

The difference between him and Paul Dickov is that he had his way and wouldn’t deviate from it. Our current supremo hasn’t got a way and hasn’t displayed the finesse required to find one. He hasn’t had the conviction to hang his hat on a style or a system and go for it, and has instead lurched from one failure to the next.

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Occasionally, a couple of draws and a win will see one fling extended but it won’t last. Concede space, two holding midfielders, one up top, two wide men, two up top... it’s dizzying.

Little wonder the players seem ponderous so regularly.

At home we seem happy to concede two thirds of the pitch when we lose possession. Then, should we reacquire the ball, seem content to sluggishly play it square before whacking it up field for whichever illequipped forward has got the nod up front. It does not work and it is mind numbing to watch. Surely at home there should be an obligation to at least try to be mildly entertaining?

Let’s be honest, League One is poor, as it was the last time we were here.

It doesn’t require too much freethinking to direct a side to compete at this level; a team has to work hard, be organised and mobile. Dean Saunders assembled a side which was just that: big and strong at the back, good delivery from wide positions with runners getting in and around an effective big man, and whilst it was not always great to watch, he ultimately delivered the Championship.

Whilst in the process of writing these words, the local papers have reported that Dickov has conceded,

‘As the manager I have to put in place a system, or maybe two, that we’re going to stick to’.

And this whilst also appearing to have been reluctantly awakened to this void by one of his own senior players, further explaining to the Doncaster Free Press,

‘I don’t want to elaborate on it too much, but I did have a long conversation with Copps.’

Publicly conceding the need for a philosophy, a style of play and a direction for his team, comes as a startling admission and suggests prior to this he has had neither. This begs an important question; what have we been doing for the last 21 months then? a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 11

MARSHALL MATTERS

CONTINUED FROM PAGES 10 AND 11 The recruitment is just as baffling.

Why, when your holding midfielder is injured, do you bring in a forward from Rotherham?Why sign people like Abdul Razak, Uche Ikpeazu and Jonson Clarke-Harris who have offered nothing, when we have gained less than if these opportunities had been afforded to our own promising youngsters (especially given the development of youth was an important part of the ethos identified at board room level this summer).

Recruitment should be better, with players acquired to do a specific job, in a specific system, not simply because they are the best available at any one time.

If we had an identity; a way of playing and stuck to it, I’d find things far more palatable. Over a season you see which areas needs improving, who’s not up to it. The players settle into familiar roles and the individual parts become the whole. Over time, a direction emerges and, dare we dream, things improve.

We should be pressing high up the pitch and not surrendering the majority of it.

We should be playing at a high tempo; working hard and controlling games in our own

back yard, using the quality we have to dictate games, playing on the front foot and giving the supporters something to get behind.

Two years on, that for me is the unacceptable element to Dickov’s reign. Building for the future with kids, realistic budgets, sensible expectations are all things I can buy into but a team without identity is one I cannot.

What is the Dickov style? How do his team’s play? I still don’t know and, to be honest, I’m growing increasingly weary of waiting to find out and maybe the same could be said for him.

The way that gates are beginning to decline, I’d wager I’m not the only one losing patience with boring, directionless football.

Rightly or wrongly, O’Driscoll paid the price for sticking to his philosophies, something I can’t help looking back on admiringly, especially now. By rights, Dickov should be on borrowed time because he still hasn’t one of his own.

For the record, Atletico delivered the kind of performance TalkSport’s expert suggested they would. Even star striker Mario Mandzukic left the field bloodied and battle wearied.

Whether they progress following the second leg in the Bernabéu is up to the footballing gods, but how they will play is much clearer. Like the other top teams, they will play their way, not least because they have a manager who will accept nothing less

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RM

REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME TWITTER’S OWN @TIERTWOFOOTY IS THE LATEST TO REMEMBER THEIR FIRST EVER ROVERS GAME Saturday 12 August 1978 was the date of my first visit to Belle Vue to watch the football team that would go on to take up a huge part of my life, and take me on a rollercoaster ride.

One consisting of an incredibly large number of lows for the first twenty years or so, followed up by even more highs crammed into a much shorter period. Football, bloody hell.

I don’t recall much from that August evening. I was on holiday from school and as a treat me and my Dad boarded the bus to town, and then on to Bennetthorpe. No doubt I persuaded the old fella to bedeck me out in red and white before we went through the turnstiles, or rather as I was lifted over the turnstiles by my Uncle Jack, which seemed to be norm over the next few years.

It was a League Cup tie and a local derby to boot. Sheffield Wednesday were the visitors and the air was filled with the aroma of a giantkilling, well, alongside Bovril and urine.

The League Cup was a two legged affair in those days; the Owls had knocked us out of the first round the previous year 8-2 on aggregate and were in the heady heights of the old Third Division, one division above us.

As the game got under way, we took our seats in the Main Stand (I still sit next to my dad, 37 years later).

Details from here on in are sketchy to say the least; I can recall just one thing from the rest of the day.

The half time whistle blew, I’m not sure if Sheffield Wednesday had scored their winning goal or not by then but as people left their seats for refreshments I asked my Dad if we were going home.

He spent the next few minutes explaining the timescales of football.

Disappointment (not for last time at Belle Vue) was total.

For the record Rovers followed up the 1-0 loss by winning by the same score at Hillsborough before a replay at Belle Vue which we lost again by the only goal. I didn’t go to the replay or again that season, in which Rovers finished fourth bottom, but I became a regular visitor to the wonderful Belle Vue the season after.

I don’t recall the year of my first away game but it was at Bradford around the time Peter Sutcliffe was prowling the streets; my lasting memory was sitting outside a pub on my own with pop and crisps whilst my dad and his mates were inside watching the strippers. Has anyone got the number of Social Services?

TTF a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 13

BELLES CALLING THE BELLES ARE OFF TO A FLYER, HERE’S AN UPDATE AND A CALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT Top of the league, three points clear.

Things are going pretty damn well for Doncaster Belles this season under new manager Glenn Harris. Despite high profile departures from the squad in the summer – including twin tanks Millie Bright and Jess Sigsworth – Harris’ side haven’t broken stride from 2014’s fantastic late season form, winning eleven and drawing just one of the twelve FAWSL2 games played since last August.

That draw – 1-1 away to Everton – represents the Belles’ only dropped points from their five matches of the current campaign. But there is little to be disappointed about from the way the 2015 season is panning out , especially with Yeovil’s surprise win at Reading spreading the field even wider in a division that was already expected to be more competitive than last year.

In may be disingenuous to pick out individual players from a team effort, but as we’ve seen with Rovers having a recognised and consistent goalscorer can make all the difference.

Step forward Courtney SweetmanKirk, who has already notched seven goals in eight appearances across all competitions. But it’s not just the Belles number nine finding the net; Beth England has mastered the knack of being in the right place at the right time, whilst Sue Smith’s dead-ball specialism has already caught out three opposing ‘keepers this season.

With four fixtures in May, including crunch game against fellow-title challengers Reading at the Keepmoat and a daunting trip to face Yeovil, this month really could go some way to determining how FAWSL2 will pan out.

And in case you needed any additional incentive to get down along to back the Belles, Rovers season ticket holders get free entry at their next two home games, including that big game with Reading on 16 May. Go on, get yourself down because, if nothing else, it’s guaranteed not to be the worst experience you’ve had at the Keepmoat this year.

BELLES’ UPCOMING FIXTURES DATE

Sat 09 May Sat 16 May Thu 21 May Sun 31 May Sat 11 July Sun 19 July Thu 23 July Sun 26 July Thu 30 July

K.O.

6:30pm 6:30pm 7:30pm 2:00pm 6:30pm 2:00pm 7:45pm 2:00pm 7:45pm

COMP

FAWSL 2 FAWSL 2 FAWSL 2 FAWSL 2 FAWSL 2 FAWSL 2 Conti Cup FAWSL 2 Conti Cup

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FIXTURE vs vs at at vs at vs vs vs

GW

LONDON BEES READING Durham Yeovil Town WATFORD Oxford United MAN CITY EVERTON LIVERPOOL

keepmoat krushes MISSED CONNECTIONS AND UNREQUITED GAZES, THE VERY DEFINITION OF FINDING LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE YOU were seated on Row F in the South Stand near the groundsman’s entrance for the Fleetwood game. I was on the same row, the next person along to your left. When our eyes met I felt something between us other than the 179 empty plastic seats. At least I think our eyes met. You were so far away it was hard to tell where you were looking to be honest.

Distant man in red ONLY a pound? I’ve heard you say it at five matches already this season, but I can scarcely believe it; you’re worth at least two in my eyes. Fancy putting down those piles of unsold copies of issue 75 and taking me to a pop stand?

Frugal woman in Rovers scarf BIG eyes. Great with kids. Always smiling and waving. Soft to touch.

You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. I hope that’s the case under the dog suit too. Come and stay with me a while. Now beg. And roll-over.

Good girl.

East Stand Oddball TO the lovely female photographer who sets up behind the goal. I like the way you perch on a tiny stool.

Why would you point your lens at the pitch when the only thing worth photographing is behind the camera?

Fancy some selfie-time with me?

Cheesy guy, West Stand

ALLO allo allo. To the police officer filming the away fans as they leave the Keepmoat Stadium. I’d love to place you under a vest, by which I mean my vest so that you are close to me, although I would ensure that it’s a loose enough vest so that it wouldn’t hamper your breathing. Call me.

Brunette; bad at chat-up lines TO the surly disinterested young woman working in one of the South Stand food kiosks who stuck her thumb in my chips when she passed them over. Fancy giving me a touch of sauce? Or how about a fork?

Inappropriate pensioner HALF time draw tickets! Get your half-time draw tickets! Only a pound your half-time draw tickets! Half-time draw tickets!

Half-time draw ticket seller I’VE seen you eyeing up my fluorescent tabard as you fork out £3 to read some adverts and find out who Cedric Evina’s most feared opponent is. Fancy getting with the programme… seller?

Programme bloke POOR bastard who has to come up with these every issue. I’d love to take you away from all this to a new, fresh feature that has more legs and endless submissions from readers.

The perfect woman

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 15

CONFERENCE CALLS CHRIS KIDD’S NEW SERIES REMEMBERS PLAYERS FROM ROVERS’ NON-LEAGUE YEARS, STARTING WITH PAUL BARNES First of all, Paul’s second name is Lance. That’s brilliant.

Barney, as he became known, arrived at Rovers in the summer of 2001 after leaving Bury. Previously he had enjoyed a long and fruitful career in the Football League, amassing over 400 appearances at York City, Burnley, Notts County, Huddersfield and Birmingham, all whilst scoring at a ratio of roughly one goal every three games. He was an experienced head who certainly knew where the back of the net was and just the man Rovers needed in their fight to gain promotion back to the Football League.

Unfortunately Barnes’ Rovers career got off to a slow start, as a foot injury severely hampered his appearances in his first season at Belle Vue. However, the following season he was fit and would go on to show exactly why Rovers had gone after him. Barnes’ goals proved vital in 2002-03 as Rovers challenged at the top of the table, before eventually gaining promotion via the inaugural Conference Play-Offs.

Looking back his influence on the team was very much like that of a certain Rob Jones. Despite playing alongside some very talented players in that Conference promotion season, Barnes’ leadership from the front was undoubtedly an important ingredient in Rovers successfully securing a passage back into the League.

That’s not to pour scorn on Barnes’ ability; whilst dragging Rovers upward by the scruff of the neck back the forward also claimed the Conference Golden Boot as he scored 25 goals in his 41 league appearances.

You have to sit back a minute and take that in… it’s a staggering record and one which proved inevitably instrumental for Rovers’ success that season. As impressive as his Golden Boot win was, it was every inch deserved. Barnes seemed to have a natural finishing ability from anywhere in the penalty area; capable of finding the net with either feet or a powerful header.

I can see him now, barking orders and encouragement whilst trying to pole-axe an unwitting centre half, or at least talk him into submission. Any opposing defender must have known they were in for a tough afternoon up against Paul Barnes. In total Barnes’ record for Rovers was 84 appearances and 34 goals, not bad for any striker, but bloody prolific for a Rovers one. If it wasn’t for that foot injury he may well have added further to that tally and maybe even surpassed the 50 goal barrier for Rovers.

Barnes seemed like a proper bloke, the sort of fella who would enjoy a pint down the local with the lads. He was probably also the first to jump to the defence of one of his mates if things got a bit out of hand.

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It wasn’t just for Rovers that Barney found the net, having enjoyed goalscoring success at a number of clubs throughout his career. He scored a goal every other game for York City, Birmingham and Burnley, and to add to the honours he won with Rovers, Barnes also won promotion twice, whilst at York and Notts County.

And yet at Rovers it perhaps won’t be for his many goals, or his nononsense attitude that Barnes will be remembered. It will instead be that 110th minute runrun down the lefthand side of the field at the Britannia Stadium. Breaking into the area ahead of the defender Barnes took just one touch to square the ball into the penalty area for the oncoming Francis Tierney.

The rest, they say, is history.

Of course it Barnes goals throughout the season which had earned Rovers the right to play that game in the first place.

After that game however Barnes’ Rovers career stuttered to an end as following promotion Rovers signed Leo Fortune-West in the summer to partner Gregg Blundell up front and he found that his chances were limited. He eventually left and joined Tamworth.

I feel Barnes’ name isn’t raised anywhere near as often as it should be when fans talk about the other great contributors to this club during the last fifteen years. So, here’s to you Paul Barnes; a Rovers great and an instrumental component to leaving the Conference behind.

CJK

...frankly, beyond parody.

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 17

PERSONAL PROGRAMMING ANOTHER NEW FEATURE GETS UNDERWAY AS HOWARD BONNETT SHARES A PERSONAL PROGRAMME On any matchday I see many Rovers fans buying and reading the official programme, and invariably, as I stand selling popular STAND in the north west corner of the ground, end up directing people towards the enthusiastic sellers as they ask if this fanzine is one.

Though I’ve not bought one, my kids did recently buy me some old Rovers programmes, one of which was from the same year of my birth; 1968. This particular programme was for a Division Four fixture with Bradford City; quite prophetic in a way, as I write this on Good Friday ahead of a match with the same opposition.

For your pre-decimalization price of nine pence you got twelve pages of programme printed on a paper not dissimilar to Izal (ask your parents). Makes the pound we charge you forty-seven years later even more of a bargain.

In the previous season Rovers had finished tenth and I’m sure our own Dutch Uncle could tell you more about the ups and downs of that campaign though it seems this fresh campaign had started with some optimism with the chairman pleading for support.

Bradford’s side featured Bobby Ham and Barry Swallow; names which suggested careers as butchers awaited once the football ended. Interestingly both teams are set out in formation.

Linesmen had more initials in those days too, with the programme name-checking P.N. Willis of Meadowfield and L.N. Douglas of Middlesbrough. For those itching to know, Mr Willis had the red flag. Bet Mr Douglas was gutted.

Almost half the programme was taken up with ads, generally for local firms such as Ken’s Motors; ‘You bend ‘em we mend ‘em’. And, for your next private party call... Rossie Motors who have luxury coaches for hire. Or for those fancying car of your own, you could always call in to B A Roberts of Conisborough where, for £475, you could get a Hillman Imp. And most importantly – it was the Deluxe version.

So, next time you flick through your programme with disinterest remember - it could be worse. Mind, dad tells me the Imp was the Bugatti Veron of its day; might go home via Conisborough later.

HB

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MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA OUR LATEST INSTALMENT OF ROVERS-THEMED SHOW-AND-TELL COMES FROM DAVE FROST I’ve been watching the Rovers for over 50 years now. In that time I have collected untold memories, some good and some bad. I also picked up the odd item of interest here and there, some were swapped and some lost, as happens with young lads.

We once lost 5-1 at home in a thunderstorm to a Crystal Palace side containing Dave Sexton and John (Budgie) Byrne, the only player to win an England cap playing in the fourth division.

Their goalie, Wales B international Vic Rouse, felt so sorry for the young Rovers fans that as they left the field for a brief break he threw his cap to a mate and said ‘Here, keep the rain off with that.’ I left that at home when I married and it got thrown out, but luckily I kept my treasured Rovers possessions.

These include programmes from important games (such as one autographed by a young Jimmy Greaves following an F A Cup game), and many old supporters’ club handbooks from the 1940s. I also have a framed caricature from the 1930s and a promotion dinner menu from the 1968-69 season.

My favourite item though dates from far later. We lost our League status after a disastrous season that almost destroyed the club and resulted in the chairman being jailed. I have a home shirt from this period with the disgraced chairman’s company East Riding Sacks emblazoned on the front.

Probably two years after Ken Richardson left, a wall was knocked down under the stand and about a dozen shirts were found in what had been I think a wash room. Fans were ssked asked to put bids in if they wanted a chance to buy one. I put in a bid of £50 or so and was lucky enough to get one.

I was even happier that, although the players’ names weren’t on the back, I knew from the number that it had been Lee Warren’s. He was a stalwart at the time and always gave 100%, more than can be said for some of the losers and ringers Mark Weaver and Richardson got to play for us during our demise.

This shirt is a permanent reminder to me of how close I came to losing my club. It may be old fashioned, heavy and a bit worn but to me it signifies my team and all that we went through.

DF

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 19

JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE WHAT DOES NEXT SEASON HAVE IN STORE FOR ROVERS? JACK THE MINER HAS A LOOK INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL AUGUST

After months of window shopping and strenuous research, Paul Dickov undertakes a busy summer spending spree. Though he is very happy with his purchases, Dickov admits he has presented himself with a selection dilemma for the opening game away; to newly relegated Rotherham United, at the re-named L’Oreal Mascara stadium.

With numerous options, P Diddy changes his mind at the eleventh hour but is ultimately happy with how he lines up; going for a blue cashmere suit with tapered legs and narrow lapels.

Although he draws criticism from the Black Bank faithful for choosing a brown brogue rather than the tried and tested Cuban heeled boot. The outfit is completed by a silk Hermes tie and a bold Paul Smith shirt - a choice that divides the fans; something that really isn’t needed on the opening day of the season.

In an unprecedented show of support for the under-fire boss, club captain James Coppinger tells the Doncaster Star, ‘The lads are right behind the gaffer. We’ve seen his vision for the coming season and his longer-length Hipster coat in 100% wool should come into its own as pitches start to get heavy in the winter months and will look absolutely stunning on TV in the highly unlikely event of us putting a bit of a cup run together.’

Fans on the VSC Forum stir themselves into frenzy as news emerges that Harry Forrester has still to pen an extended deal. Regular poster Glass Half Empty posts...’this is typical of the total lack of vision at DRFC. He is our only quality player and we should be tying him to the Keepmoat for as long as possible. That’s it I’m finished with this forum and this club.’

SEPTEMBER

In a publicity stunt, popular STAND fanzine arranges a meeting between the couch potato who elected to call Jamie McCombe a ‘donkey’ and Rob Jones an ‘ass’ on the forum during the previous season.

Attempting to defuse the tension, McCombe showed the forum poster – username Irritable Bowel Syndrome – his collection of league winners and play-off winners medals, whilst Jones displayed his array of Player of the Year awards from a succession of different clubs, his assortment of league gongs and his treasured Scottish League Cup winner’s medal.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, subsequently shivering in the long shadows cast by the giant twosome, can only mutter something barely audible about being quoted very much out of context as he stands in a steaming puddle of his own wee.

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NOVEMBER

Curtis Main, hounded out of Doncaster by hostile fans, bags his 40th goal in 15 games for Scottish League Two side East Stirling. Glass Half Empty who it seems still supports Rovers, points out that ‘it’s absolutely typical that DRFC didn’t give Main a proper hance.’ before going on to assert, ‘That’s me finished.

After supporting Rovers through thick and thin over the last three years, I’m off.’

JANUARY

After a free-scoring six match unbeaten run, Rovers are just a point away from securing a play-off position. The home game against bottom side Crawley Town provides a perfect opportunity to take a giant leap forward as Crawley are winless since boss Dean Saunders jumped ship to try and save struggling Sheffield Wednesday from relegation.

The game also represents James Coppinger’s breaking of the all-time appearance record.

It’s a full-house and the crowd are given Copps masks on ‘Coppinger Day’ but go home disappointed as Crawley romp home with a 4-0 win on one of those big occasions when Rovers just seem to never get going. At 1-0 down, P Diddy took off all four midfielders and threw on four strikers to try and rescue the game.

Paul Dickov admits that growing a goatee was a huge mistake.

Acting as summariser for Radio Sheffield, the still-embittered Mickey Walker reckoned, ‘It’s all very predictable and disappointing. It wouldn’t have happened on my watch.

If you insist on wearing a goatee, then the hair should be worn at collar length.’

FEBRUARY

The natives are restless. Rovers lose at home in the Cup to AFC Rushden & Diamonds (2013) and Harry Forrester, sitting out another suspension, draws fire from frustrated Rovers supporters but is stoutly defended on the forum by regular poster Glass Half Empty who posts...’I don’t blame young Harry, I blame the board. It’s hard to believe they’ve saddled the club with this underachieving show pony for another six years. We could have used the money wasted on his wages to sign that Main lad from East Stirling.’

MARCH The recalled Kyle Bennett hits three spectacular goals in three games to arrest the team’s slide towards the bottom four. Glass Half Empty states Bennett deliberately underperforms so as to ensure he has most Saturdays free to play on his Xbox and only puts in a shift when it’s time to start new contract re-negotiations. Glass Half Empty puts a poll up on the forum and states that if the fans don’t agree with his Kyle Bennett theory he is ‘finished for good with Doncaster bloody Rovers.’

APRIL

Football assumes its normal routine as the season draws to a climax. AFC Bournemouth are docked twenty points for financial related issues, Dean Saunders can’t save the Owls, Steve Evans is suspended for waving his old man at a female linesman and Glass Half Empty returns to bring to our attention the fact that ‘Paul Dickov would never have resorted to wearing open toed sandals with ankle socks if we’d had the sense to sell out to an offshore hedge fund.’

Rovers, who announce Top Shop as shirt sponsors for next season, finish 11th.

JTM

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 21

WAUGH, HUH, YEAH! DAVE WAUGH RECKONS LIVE FOOTBALL ON TV MAY WELL BE THE DEATH OF HIM I’m passionate about football. There’s no other sport which comes near it for me. But I can’t stand watching live football on TV. The constant shots of the crowd, the managers, the outside of the stadium (World Cup coverage in particular specialises in this), and substitutes warming up all while the game is going on - drive me to distraction and lead my wife to suggest I may be developing a form of Tourette’s Syndrome.

Sky have paid millions to cover the Premier League, virtually none of which will find its way to the Keepmoat Stadium, but with so much money why don’t they invest in some producers who understand that viewers want to see the actual games, not the people who are watching them? An occasional shot of an anguished Arsene Wenger, or better still an apoplectic Jose Mourinho, may add to the theatre of the occasion when the ball is out of play, but slow motion replays of Steve Bruce’s vibrating lips just don’t do it for me.

The problem, I think, is that the producers simply don’t like football.

They are frustrated drama producers who think they have to tell a story rather than film a match. Either that or they have been trained covering other sports which have plenty of stoppages, ones in which crowd scenes can be shown without missing any of the game.

Cricket coverage is excellent and we get lots of shots of the crowd, the outside of the ground and the waiting batsmen, but we never miss any play.

That’s because there are plenty of gaps between bursts of action.

Tennis is the same: the breaks in play are ideal for giving producers opportunities to show shots from their many cameras. Rugby Union is even better, since, essentially, the game is a stoppage punctuated by occasional bursts of brawling between fat lads.

The ball is only in play for around 34 minutes out of 80, according to research, so all manner of crowd shots can be shown. In fact, given the paucity of skill in the average rugby union match, the crowd shots are probably more interesting than the play! American Football provides even more opportunities, with the average ball in play time of around 11 minutes – well, I suppose those Americans do need time to refuel on more burgers, cola and popcorn, don’t they.

But soccer is different. The ball is almost constantly in play (64 minutes, should you wish to know) and so shots of the crowd and so forth mean viewers miss parts of the game. Yes, when we miss a shot at goal or the build up to a goal because the producer decided Alan Pardew’s gum-chewing was what we were really interested in, there are action replays, but it’s not the same as watching events live.

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And while we’re on the subject of action replays, who decided that every goal had to be shown at least seven times from seven slightly different angles while we miss the next passage of play? And then, while play continues, we must also watch a slow motion replay of the manager celebrating.

Perhaps this is why supporters still turn up in large numbers even when their team’s matches are shown live on TV. The experience just isn’t the same.

A few years ago, Sky’s red button allowed the viewer to choose the camera angle to watch the match from. I chose the half way line and actually enjoyed some matches.

But that facility has disappeared – perhaps we weren’t taking in sufficient advertising hoardings – so I’ve had to find my own solution.

I either record the match and then whizz through shots of nose-picking managers and tearful Newcastle fans, or start watching and then freeze on ‘live pause’ for twenty minutes and go and weed the borders or read the paper. Then I watch and catch up by missing out the irrelevant bits.

Something had to change. My wife had even been moved to compliment me on the creativity of my swearing during one live match, but did go on to point out that the neighbours might not like to hear the producer described as a useless f£$%&*g t*$% who ought to get a proper job and stop b*&^%$£ing up my Sunday afternoon.

Still, at least there’s no World Cup and no European Championship this summer.

DW

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 23

MY LIFE IN HOOPS OUR MAN MIKE FOLLOWS REFLECTS ON HIS ROVERS SUPPORTING LIFE 1981 was a tough year for Britain. It was a time of disaffected youth and racial tension. By the time I was born on 29 June, The Specials were on their way to number one with Ghost Town; a bleak soundtrack composed on the back of the Brixton riots, but equally apt to the riots in Toxteth and Chapeltown which flared up that week. The wind of change was starting to blow. And God knows it needed to. For one, this was the year that Shaddap Your Face kept Vienna off the number one spot in a time when people still bought singles and gave a shit about the charts.

Meanwhile at Belle Vue, Billy Bremner’s Rovers had just enjoyed promotion from the Fourth Division.

A rare season of success for the club, with the young Ian Snodin pulling the strings in midfield.

I grew up in Wheatley Hills and some of my earliest memories are of looking out from the upstairs window across the glorious vista of Intake and Town Moor to see the red aircraft warning lights glowing through the night atop the old Belle Vue floodlight towers.

There was something exciting about their imposing structure against the dark, industrial skyline. Even more so when there was a match on and the bright fields of white light screamed silently but beckoningly ‘Come and see this.’

Although as a young child I didn’t have a huge interest in football, I was drawn to those lights like a moth, yearning to bask in their night-time sun. And so to the next memorable event on my Rovers timeline. It was 1989 and Bremner was back at the club. As a member of the 20th Doncaster Cubs, I went on a tour of Belle Vue. This consisted of a kickabout on the 5-a-side pitches behind the Rosso End, a quick look around the Main Stand and a photocopied sheet of autographs to take home.

The one abiding memory of that day was the sign in the home dressing room that read simply ‘Keep Fighting’.

It was the first time I’d encountered that part of the Rovers DNA. The ‘us against the world’ attitude.

The pub team having a laugh, long before Hull’s supporters gifted us the mandate to use the phrase in battle. I was an unfashionable kid.

A bit of an outsider, not one of the in crowd. From that day on I knew the Rovers and I had a bond. Football was suddenly a part of my life.

I really don’t know why it took so long but it was another four years until my first trip to Belle Vue. A dour 0-0 draw with Shrewsbury in February 1994 should have been enough to put anyone off but I was completely smitten.

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Fast forward to the year I sat my GCSEs. It was 1997. Labour had just won a landslide in the General Election and Rovers were on that infamous downward spiral. I’d been to the last match at Brighton’s Goldstone Ground and didn’t hold much hope for the forthcoming season. But again, that Rovers fighting spirit came to the fore, this time from supporters uniting to fight the common enemy. Evenings spent at The Park Hotel with the Save the Rovers Action Group are vivid in my memory.

At eighteen I went off to university in Nottingham. I thought that supporting a Conference club would make me something of a laughing stock but it seemed that people from all over the country became partisan in sticking up for their home towns so for the first time I seemed to gain a degree of respect for being a loyal Rovers fan.

I ended up living with supporters of clubs like Peterborough, Barnsley, Grimsby and Birmingham and they all had a laugh at my expense from time to time, especially when I said we were on an upward trajectory under our new owners and that their pride would come before a fall. I wish I’d kept in touch with more of them now!

In October 2002 I bought my first house and started my first proper job.

As the office was down in Andover and colleagues in the sales team from all over the country, again there were a few jokes about me following a tinpot non-league club. But come the end of the season after that golden goal people started to believe me when I told them we were going places.

The atmosphere among supporters was better than ever. We had an elected fan on the board with the VSC set up to safeguard against any unscrupulous investment. We had a fan as chairman with John Ryan’s ambitious bravado matching the mood of optimism in the town. I always said I’d never go to Wembley until I’d seen the Rovers there. I feel privileged to have been there for that playoff against Leeds. At the end of the following season I got married, Rovers had stayed up and all was good.

2010 was even better. It was the pinnacle of our resurgence. We finished 12th in the Championship.

But it was also the year that marked the end of my 100% home and away attendances for a few years. In the August of a great year for the Rovers, my son, Max was born. I’ve written before about taking him to his first game so I won’t cover old ground but I do wonder how he’ll look back on his life in hoops when he’s my age. I hope there’s just as much fun to come and that we can share it together!

MF

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 25

JACK’S CRAIC JACK PEAT WONDERS WHETHER WE’LL GIVE YOUTH A CHANCE “HE’S ONE OF OUR OWN, HE’S ONE OF OUR OWN. THAT BOY….. OY Mike, what’s the name of that kid in the reserves, him from Bawtry?”

“You mean that Liam what’s his face?”

“No he’s from Rossington you pillock.

Jonny summat or other.”

“Oh you mean the left back, Jonny McThingymabob Whaddya Call Him?” “That’s the kid, Jonny McThingymabob Whaddya Call Him. He was unlucky not to break through him. Ah well.

ZIGGA ZAGGA ZIGGA ZAGGA.” It is becoming increasingly rare to see youth players break through into their respective clubs’ first team.

The gulf between academy leagues and professional football has become seemingly insurmountable, and all despite there being an increasing focus placed on academy football. Which begs the question; are youth teams becoming the preserve of the reserves?

As is accustomed in my fanzine column I feel compelled to regale a time when things were better than they are now. In this case Rovers offer naff all precedence, having historically been a ‘buying club’, so I will turn to the red and white stripes of Southampton to support my thesis before making an eloquent u-turn back to my point (you don’t get a column like this for nowt).

Southampton have learnt, like their European counterparts Atletico Madrid, Sporting Lisbon and Ajax et al, that developing footballers is a much more lucrative endeavour than buying them. Their academy has graduated stars such as Theo Walcott, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlin, Gareth Bale and Wayne Bridge, as well as Leon (or more perhaps suitably Loan) Best and Chris Baird. The success of their academy can be judged not only by the talent of the aforementioned players, but by their development into long-standing first team footballers.

Such success is unparalleled elsewhere in the Premier League. Chelsea’s under-19s squad were crowned European champions last month and have dominated the domestic youth scene for some time, but despite this success the last player to come through their youth ranks and become a firstteam regular is John Terry. Manchester City, who faced Chelsea in the FA Youth Cup final, have Patrick Vieira at the helm of an Elite Development Squad (EDS) at the Etihad Campus, but their last youth to make the transition to the first team was Micah Richards.

You can’t help but feel these clubs need to get a pair of balls. The loan culture that exists within football is precisely the reason footballers such as Harry Kane took his time to break through despite showcasing a wealth of potential at a young age.

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And it is also why when it comes to competitions such as the Champions League only 23 English players featured compared to 78 Spaniards, 55 Germans and 51 Brazilians.

It is a culture that, worryingly, seems to be taking hold at Rovers. The youth team has been the only positive aspect of what has otherwise been a rather dull season, yet rather than feature our fledgling talent in the meaningless and monotonous games that have closed the season out Dickov has, up to the point of writing at least, seen fit to field loanees and has-beens.

Sure Harry Middleton featured against Leyton Orient and Dickov was right to laud Mitchell Lund after the borefest that was Fleetwood at home, but if I’m to keep my faith in the manager I want him to be doing more to promote our home-grown talent. Goals are drying up in the senior squad as Liam Mandeville and Jack McKay fire them in left right and centre for the youth team, but will they even be in contention come next season?

Dickov has a habit of signing experience over potential. This summer it is time we make the acquisitions to complement our youth.

JP

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 27

THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE ‘HANG ON,’ YOU CRY ‘WHERE’S YOUR TOKEN END OF SEASON AWARDS-BASED REVIEW?’ STEP FORWARD JAMES MCMAHON And so it is the end of the football season. This means three things; 1) A vague and fleeting interest in tennis will inevitably follow. 2) The slow blooming of hope, hope that will seem painfully nostalgic come a wet Tuesday in October. In Rochdale.

Or Coventry. Or Oldham (probably Oldham). And lastly, 3), an avalanche of idiocy from the mouths of anyone who’s watched a football match between last August and now; aka the sort of people who believe that Harry Kane is a better striker than Curtis Main (twenty goals in a season or looking a bit like an Aldi Thor?) just because Alan Shearer said so. Not wanting to be left out on such idiocy, what follows is my own end of season Rovers-centric footy ball review!

THE BEST GAME I SAW WITH MY EYES WHICH FEATURED ROVERS WAS...

I’ll be honest with you, not much presents itself as a choice here.

Firstly because, in truth, I’ve found Rovers more often than not painfully dull to watch this season, yet principally because Watford away in the League Cup is the winner by a country mile, a mile perhaps ran by the gangly legs of Rob Jones. It does of course help that we won - against now Premier League opposition – and with a back four barely off the potty.

But it was the verve we played with an attack focused freedom that’s sadly been absent in the league for the majority of the season - that meant I left tatty old Vicarage Road with my chest puffed out with pride. Generally speaking, I’d much rather have a go and lose than watch Jamie McCombe kick people in the air for ninety minutes… and still lose anyway.

THE WORST GAME I SAW WITH MY EYES WHICH FEATURED ROVERS WAS...

When I was a kid I went to Fleetwood on holiday and got stung by a dead jellyfish on the beach. It says something about Rovers performance at Fleetwood last October that I enjoyed the holiday where a dead jellyfish stung me more than watching Rovers there. I have to say, there haven’t been many times in the last decade or so where I’ve walked away from a football match embarrassed by the performance my home team have turned in.

Even during the dark days of ‘The Experiment’ I pretty much always found myself amazed by the things I saw El Hadji Diouf ’s legs do, wedged into Rovers shorts. But there’s something about watching Reece Wabara fall over repeatedly that’s just worse with the smell of dead fish in your nostrils.

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THE BEST PLAYER I WATCHED WITH MY EYES THIS SEASON WAS...

Okay, so he probably wasn’t the best – any team that still names James Coppinger in its starting line-up week to week is going to struggle to find someone to surpass the slow dimming contribution of Doncaster Rovers’ greatest ever player (yes, I just said that). But you can’t bang on about James Coppinger forever (why not?). Because in this, his testimonial year, it feels like the celebration of Coppinger’s unique talents has sometimes overshadowed all other discussion about the club (but you just said Coppinger was Rovers’ greatest ever player and players like that don’t come around too often, when they do you have to make the time to celebrate them).

Look, I’m not having an argument with my own parenthesis, I control you, it is ME putting words in those brackets (that’s what you think, I, the words in the brackets created you, MWUAHAHAHAHA).

Anyway, I continue to really enjoy watching Harry Forrester. He’s got the consistency of budget rice pudding, but when he does turn up, he’s one hundred percent Ambrosia.

(Nice pudding based allegory, dude).

Thanks.

THE BEST AWAY DAY I HAD WITH ROVERS THIS SEASON WAS...

Last November’s visit to Crewe wasn’t the most exciting game in the world, although Copps’ eightieth minute equaliser did cause me to quite audibly say “Get in”. But have you tried those fish and chips from the fish shop across the road?

HOLY MACKEREL! Like, there is no way those fish haven’t been caught from God’s own personal stream.

Seriously, they’re ridiculous. How ridiculous? Well you have no idea how much I spent the last day of the season hoping that Crewe would avoid the drop. I’m looking forward to next year’s visit more than I am my own birthday

THE WORST AWAY DAY I HAD WITH ROVERS THIS SEASON WAS...

Once or twice a season - though I have to admit, they’re getting more and more frequent - events occur that leave me in absolutely no doubt that we, as fans, are viewed with only a smidgen more love by the football establishment than dog-dirt on their shoes.

This season passed, I can think of two examples. The first was when the Oldham Athletic stewards decided to beat some Rovers fans up because one of them wouldn’t hand over his toilet roll (I laugh, but it was horrendous and should in all truth have resulted in several people losing their jobs).

The second was the quite frankly pathetic events of Rovers’ visit to Weston-Super-Mare in the FA Cup First Round. Okay, it goes by the by that this writer had a really nice time with the editor of this fanzine sat by the sea eating chips, but that is by the by.

I really hope next season Rovers properly have a go, so I don’t have to fill out a column like this by waffling on about chips.

JM

a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 29

KEEGAN CROWNED FHM WORLD’S SEXIEST WOMAN Paul Keegan was today said to be, ‘pretty shocked to be honest with you’, at the news he had topped FHM’s 2015 list of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World. The annual table of misogyny and creepy objectification has been compiled by the lad’s mag since 1995.

The accolade, though unexpected, is said to have been a welcome boost to the Irish midfielder who has been sidelined with injury since late February. Keegan follows in the scantily clad footsteps of previous winners including Mila Kunis, Megan Fox and John Spicer.

Keegan told the Comet: ‘I’m flattered, obviously, but I hope this won’t prevent people remembering me for my art rather than my shapely figure’ Meanwhile the reaction on social media to Keegan’s accolade has been somewhat mixed. In response to the announcement one FHM reading loner tweeted ‘WTF! How’s he above Nicki Minaj, he’s got no ass?’ whilst another added ‘Is this some kind of joke?’ However others were more positive in their reaction, with many a frustrated adolescent suggesting they ‘still would’.

HARRY FORRESTER ‘NOW ONLY ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IN EMOTICONS’ Doncaster Rovers medical staff have today confirmed that attacking midfielder Harry Forrester is ‘now only able to communicate in emoticons,’ and that he has ‘lost all concept of non-pictoral communication’. The news confirms what many of Forrester’s social media followers had feared for some time.

Forrester, 24, has been an avid user of both twitter and instagram for some time, but doctors and fans alike had begun to notice a steady decline in actual words in the footballer’s communication since his long spell on the sidelines in the 2013-14 season.

Rovers manager Paul Dickov admitted that this was proving a problem for communication on the pitch, and that initial experiments which involved Forrester WhatsApping his teammates to request the ball had so far failed.

Speaking exclusively to the Donny Comet about his affliction Forrester told us: ‘Football, thumb-up, handclap, hand-clap, hand-clap. Turd with some eyes on it, flame, flame, flame, flame, crying with laughter, see-noevil monkey, sunshine, sunshine, football, hearts-for-eyes.’

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BLACK BANK A GROUP OF ROVERS FANS ARE INTENT ON BRINGING THE GOOD TIMES TO HOME GAMES; NEIL TAYLOR EXPLAINS ‘Some people believe football is a matter of life and death.... I can assure you it is much, much more important than that’

~ Bill Shankly I think it’s safe to say that Bill Shankly wasn’t at the Keepmoat stadium the other Saturday for the now infamous (and viral) nil-nil draw, ground out by Rovers and Fleetwood.

But if he had been there I’m sure he wouldn’t have thought it was a matter of life and death – although there was a reasonable chance of being bored to death, perhaps he’d have thought it was a matter of meeting a couple of mates in a half empty stadium, sitting and half watching some mediocre football while chatting about what you’ve been up to at work and making plans for a night out.

Is this what we want from our collective football experience, making small talk in a stadium nicknamed the ‘Keepquiet’?

Earlier in the season a mixture of Rovers fans from the South and West Stands decided to try to address the lack of atmosphere at home games, and so arranged a meeting with representative of the ‘North Stand Loyal’ – a group of Huddersfield Town fans who’ve been dealing with the same issues in the McAlpine/Galpharm/John Smith’s (delete at applicable).

Their solution was simple; gather all vocal fans together. Make that end feel like home, with flags, banners and streamers and SING. So far it seems to have worked, and if you’re the sort of person who takes a perverse interest watching football fans enjoy themselves (Yes, I’m that person) I recommend searching for a video Huddersfield’s game against Sheffield Wednesday this season. And now we are intent to bring that ethos to Rovers.

So far the Black Bank – as popular vote has named us – have built a website, designed flags, raised funds and handed out two thousand leaflets.

All we need is for you, the good folk of Donny, not to accept the status quo, but to back us by joining us in the South Stand next season and singing your hearts out for the lads on the pitch.

NT

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FROM BENEATH THE STATUE EDITOR GLEN WILSON WONDERS WHETHER FOLLOWING FOOTBALL HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TIME, AND MONEY I am unable to recall when or why I fell in love with football. There was no epiphany. No great moment of clarity.

Football, as far as I can remember, was simply always there; eternally bobbling about alongside grazed knees and Why Don’t You? in the goalmouth scramble of my childhood.

In an age before Sky Sports, when all televised football available to a young boy in Yorkshire had John Helm’s voice over the top of it, it was the World Cup and European Championships that pushed football onto most kids.

Invading our dusty Doncastrian summers of blue ice-pops and hosepipe bans, with exotic temptations like marauding goalkeepers, cornerflag gyrating strikers, and men with ponytails. There’d be more where that came from if we stuck with football, and inevitably most kids became hooked there and then.

Not for me. I didn’t need this quickfix from a biannual stimulant as football was already constant. My dad was manager of Rossington FC. He was also their secretary, their coach, their groundsman, their programme editor and more often than not their substitute too. Football didn’t come to me through the television, via Roger Milla’s hips, it didn’t need to, it already lived in our house. Match programmes were handwritten on our dining room table, players signed in

our kitchen, advertising boards handpainted in our living room, and a well thumbed league directory sat next to our telephone which rang constantly from Thursday through to Monday, August ‘til May. My dad, to his great credit, never forced football upon me, but when you grow up in that environment following football is less a choice more an inevitability by osmosis. I can’t remember my first game; instead just a blur of sights and sounds smeared across my childhood. The smell of liniment oil, the sound of studs on concrete floors, filling the water bucket, trying to work out why the sponge was magic, cheese and onion sandwiches and syrupy coke mix in smoky working men’s clubs. Isn’t it.

Wasn’t it. Marvellous.

Though I have grown up, though I have managed to get through school and university, through several jobs – some good, some awful – and hold down an actual relationship, football has, whether I like it or not, consumed my life. I try to insist I can take it or leave it, but just the other Saturday found myself near sprinting for a bus so as not to miss the kick-off at Cray Valley Paper Mills’ Southern Counties East League game against Lordswood.

And who in their right and reasoned mind does that?

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Too often football has left me, a logical and fairly educated man, bereft of all reason. A prime example came in March when I spent an entire morning convinced I had jeopardised Wales’ hopes of qualifying for the European Championships by virtue of having forgotten to take my ‘lucky envelope’ to Israel with me. It’s easy to scoff at the notion of a ‘lucky envelope’. Indeed with the benefit of hindsight I am doing so now, and in any other facet of my life I wouldn’t ever consider allowing myself to be swayed by such pointless superstition. But not in football. Because football has the casting vote in my life, and no matter how illogical I know it to be I can’t escape the comfort of inane ritual.

It’s why I persisted in always pissing in the same spot in the Pop Side urinals, despite the looks I got if that superstition meant waiting for the only other fella in their to finish.

I sometimes wonder how my life would have panned out if I hadn’t got hooked.

If I’d taken one look at a football, or men kicking one about, and merely shrugged and slunk off back to my Brio train set. What would I have done with the extra time, the extra money, the extra mind capacity? Would I have made the same friends? Would I still hold any attachment to my home town fourteen years after moving away in the manner I currently do?

Indeed what would I be doing if I wasn’t writing this?

It’s a sobering thought. I could have dedicated much more time to my career; I could be in a senior position by now, I could be living overseas. I could have mastered a new language, earned a small fortune (or such is the cost of football, saved an even bigger fortune). I could be penning the final page of my latest novel rather than the last paragraphs of my latest fanzine article. I have many friends who have achieved those things, that are doing very well for themselves, and sometimes I catch myself wondering ‘what if?’

But then, if life is your only pursuit, where is your escape? I am writing these words two years to the day since that match at Brentford. Could anything in a non-sporting life offer such a moment of pure and dramatic joy? Can anyone who hasn’t lost a part of their life to football in the way that we have, ever have experienced such an exhilarating, enthralling moment of tension, drama and, ultimately, ecstasy? A successful job interview?

A new home? Your wedding day? The birth of your first child? All reasons to be cheerful, but let’s be honest here, not in the same league of rapturous elation that has you tumbling down a terrace into the arms of a screaming stranger or, as in my case, losing all feeling in your body as your voice cracks into a microphone.

It’s a lot to invest; a whole life, for such fleeting moments, but whatever football may have taken from my life it has given back to me in unrivalled flashes of euphoria. And so if I went back to the start, even knowing what I know now, I suspect I’d only fall in love with it all over again.

GW

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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND AS THE DUST SETTLES ON 2014-15, DUTCH UNCLE CASTS HIS STATISTICAL EYE BACK OVER ROVERS’ SEASON GENERAL POINTS

Despite the 5-2 thumping of Scunthorpe on the final day Rovers had long been guaranteed a final league total featuring negative home results (more home matches lost than won) combined with positive away results (more away matches won than lost). This is the first time this has happened in Rovers’ entire 88 seasons in the Football League and Conference. It is also Rovers’ first ever season where they have recorded a negative goal difference at home, combined with a positive goal difference away. In fact this season has seen us combine one of our eight worst ever home records with one of our top ten all-time away records.

As an aside Fleetwood’s eighth place finish makes them the first ex-Conference side to finish above Rovers since Colchester in the 2007-08 season.

UP FOR THE CUP

For only the second time in Rovers history the club reached the third round in each of the three national cup competitions it entered. The only previous occasion was in 200607, when in addition to winning the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy we also reached the third round of both the FA Cup and the League Cup.

As was documented in a previous issue this season, the League Cup 2nd round win at Watford was Rovers’ our first ever away win in the competition at a stage beyond round one.

That result was one of five away victories in cup ties this season (at York, Watford, Weston-Super-Mare, Oldham and Burton) which is an alltime club record. Our previous best was four away wins, achieved in 19992000 (at Ossett Town, Halesowen, Scarborough and Telford) and 200607 (at Huddersfield, Hartlepool, Brentford and the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy final at Cardiff).

AWAY FROM HOME

Last season, as was pointed out the time, was the only season where Rovers had failed to win a match outside of Yorkshire (apart from 1904-05, when our away record read won 0, drew 0, lost 17). Rovers, proving to be as ever anything but predictable, completely turned that form around this season by reaching 10 away victories before Christmas; the tenth one coming on 6 December, by means of the FA Cup 2nd round win at Oldham. This is the fastest this milestone has ever been achieved in Rovers’ history. This is particularly remarkable given the club’s stellar away form in 1946-47 where our league away record read played 21, won 18, Drew 1, lost 2l; still a Football League all-comers record.

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In that season our tenth away win was achieved on 14 December, by an amazing coincidence also via an FA Cup 2nd round win at Oldham! The third earliest march to 10 away wins occurred only two years ago with our late 2-1 win at Stevenage on 12 January 2013.

GOALS GOALS GOALS

Harry Forrester managed the rare feat of scoring his first four goals for the club in four different competitions.

His first Rovers goal had come against Stevenage in the FA Cup in 201314, and this was followed by his goal at Yeovil on the opening day of the League One season, his goal at York in the League Cup and finally his goal at Burton in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy. Brian Stock is the only other Rovers player to achieve this feat.

In addition to this Harry also became the first Rovers player to score as substitute in three consecutive away matches; finding the net in the away games at Preston, Gillingham and Coventry.

Equally remarkable, but at a much slower pace, in his 11th season with the club, James Coppinger finally scored his first FA Cup goal for Rovers at Weston-super-Mare.

Kyle Bennett’s two goals at Bramall Lane in April was the first time a Rovers player had scored twice in a league match since Jamie Coppinger’s brace in the 2-2 draw with Barnsley at the Keepmoat in 2013-14. This constituted a run of 54 league games without an individual double by a Rovers player. This is the third longest such run in Rovers history, coming behind the run of 59 games between Mamadou Bagayoko’s only two goals for Rovers, at Leeds in 2011-12, and Billy Paynter’s brace at Crewe in 2012-13; and the longest run of all, the 66 games between Stan Richards’ double at Halifax in 1992-93 and O’Neill Donaldson’s two goals at Colchester in 1994-95.

CRAWLEY DOWNED

Rovers’ 5-0 win at Crawley offered up a number of interesting club stats.

Firstly this was the first time we have scored five goals in a match since the 5-2 win away to Bristol City in 2009-10. Of course we’ve not had to wait quite as long to repeat the feat.

More remarkably this was also second biggest away win in the club’s entire League and Conference history.

It is beaten only by the 6-0 win at Hartlepool in 1989-90 and equalled by four 5-0 wins; three in the league, at Southport in 1946-47, Notts County in 1957-58 and Scunthorpe in 199495, and one in the FA Cup, away at Accrington in a replay in 1946-47.

This result represented Rovers’ largest ever away win in the third tier (since the end of regionalisation of this level in 1959), beating the 4-0 away wins notched up at Brentford in 2006-07 and Crewe in 2007-08.

James Coppinger celebrates scoring his first ever FA Cup goal for Rovers, at Weston-Super-Mare.

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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 34 AND 35 Five different players found the net at Broadfield Stadium, this is only the 19th occasion this has happened for Rovers in our entire League and Conference history, and the first occasion since the 5-1 home win against Dagenham & Redbridge in the 2002-03 Conference (and yes, Own Goal is counted as a goalscorer). Take out the OGs though and for matches with five Rovers players scoring there are only 17 occasions and the last of those was in 2001-02 when we defeated Hayes 5-2 with goals from Jamie Paterson, Jamie Squires, Robert Gill, Paul Barnes and debutant Paul Green.

INTERNATIONAL SET

Over the course of the season two Rovers players gained full international honours; Dean Furman who gained 11 further caps (and scored a second goal) for South Africa, and Luke McCullough who doubled his tally of two caps for Northern Ireland to a total of four. Dean became the first Rovers player to appear in the African Cup of Nations, captaining South Africa in the 2015 event. He now has 29 international caps, and the 17 of those attained whilst at Rovers is a new club record, beating the previous record of 14 held by Len Graham, which had stood since 1958.

A further three names can be added to the list of international players who have at some stage played for Rovers with the club’s signing of Abdul Razak, capped five times by Ivory Coast, and the international debuts of Ryan Mason for England, and Giles Barnes for Jamaica.

Andy Butler celebrates the first of five at Crawley

APPEARANCES

As is well recorded, James Coppinger now has 394 league and 55 other (cups and play-offs) appearances for a total of 449 appearances. This still ranks him fourth on the list of alltime league appearances, behind Fred Emery (417), Colin Douglas (404) and Bert Tindill (401). However, he has overtaken Tindill (429) and Emery (438) on the total appearances list and is now behind only Colin Douglas and his 468 appearances.

One consequence of Copps’ longevity is that the time between his first goal for Rovers (26 Nov 2005) and his last (31 Jan 2015) is a whopping 3,353 days, putting him 8th on the all time Rovers list. However, he is not even the highest player to wear the number 26 shirt; Chris Brown is 5th with 3,843 days between his first and last goals for Rovers. The leader by a considerable distance remains Alan Warboys with 5,719 between his opening Rovers strike and his last one.

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Though, as I’ve mentioned before on these pages, if the Sheffield County Cup matches are counted, Glynn Snodin’s 2,689 days extends to 7,990 days by way of the goal he struck whilst assistant player-manager in 1999-2000.

Coppinger has now played for Rovers in 11 consecutive league seasons, a record shared with Brian Makepeace (1950-51 to 1960-61). Only Fred Emery (1924-25 to 1935-36) and Bert Tindill (1946-47 to 1957-58) have played in 12 consecutive league seasons – a record that Copps can equal next season.

Incidentally Bert Tindill did actually play in an FA Cup match in 1945-6 – but there was no Football League that season, only wartime leagues.

Amazingly Coppinger did not score a single goal in his first season with us, but has scored in each of the last 10 seasons – a record only beaten by Bert Tindill who scored in each of his 12 league seasons.

Enda Stevens has now made 41 league appearances for Rovers, all on loan.

The only players I could find with more loan appearances in the league for the club are Jonathan Forte with 54 and Billy Sharp with 45.

ATTENDANCES

The average home attendance this season is 6,884. This will mean home attendances averaging above 6,000 for 12 seasons in a row, since we regained our position in the Football League. This is a feat not achieved since the 1950s and one which would have seemed impossible for most of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, when only once did the average exceed 6,000 (6,056 in 1975-6) and twice it even slipped below 2,000. However, it does represent the lowest average in a season at the Keepmoat.

And finally, it is often said that Rovers play poorly on the occasions of a large home attendance. Well, the inverse of this was in evidence at Crawley where Rovers’ five-star performance was watched by only of 2,581. This was lowest attendance, home or away, for a Rovers league match since the 2,449 who saw John Ryan make his cameo appearance at Hereford in 2002-03 our very last Conference fixture.

Caveat: No figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all the Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/ or Barry Watson.

BW

Bernard Glover's

BELIEVE IT or NOT In 1967 Rovers defender David Raine was detained onboard a British European flight after failing to produce a valid passport at Valencia airport. The incident gave rise to the phrase ‘the Raine in Spain stays mainly on the plane’ a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | May 2015 | PS76 | 37

REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE YOU’VE TRIED THE REST, NOW WISH YOU’D TRIED THEM ALL AGAIN AS REG IPSA IS AT HAND STAR LETTER SILLY HOLIDAY Dear Reg, I met a lovely girl in the South Stand this season, but now we’re arguing about where to go on our first holiday.

She’s been looking on Teletext and wants to go somewhere hot and exotic like Corfu. But as a very pale, ginger man I’d burn like a crisp. I’ve suggested Cleethorpes but she says it’s common. How do we reach a compromise?

Paddy O’Heater, Thorne

REG RESPONDS Can I suggest a city break? My mate does guided tours, taking you to different historic buildings, soaking up the culture and evenings with fine music and wine. He even gets a decent deal on a cheap bed and breakfast.

Who wouldn’t want to spend a long weekend in Grimethorpe? Collar me in The Salutation and you can buy me a pint by way of thanks.

EAR WE GO Dear Reg, I have started courting a fellow Rovers fan. He’s lovely but has huge ears. It’s great in the bedroom but when he leans forward to watch the game none of us can see anything. The lads who sit behind us are threatening to complain to sue us as they have missed all the great action at the Keepmoat this season. Can you suggest anything?

Camilla Flange, Conisborough

REG RESPONDS You can end that legal threat by showing the lads Rovers’ end of season highlights DVD. They’ll be grateful. As for his lugholes I’ve checked the law on this and turns out he is entitled to take his ears with him even if they block the view. Can I suggest he wears a bobble hat. If not Botox Billy knows someone one who can pin them back for £100 each.

He did Gary Lineker’s a few years back.

WRONG DIRECTION Hiya Reg, I decided to try one of them dating agencies. One that specialises in blokes who look like footballers.

So far however they’ve looked like Neil Campbell, or Colin Sutherland, and the last one looked like Donny Dog. I don’t think I’m getting value for my £15. Can I sue them for me money back? I’m thinking of giving up on men completely.

Blanche Vegetables, Wheatley Hills

REG RESPONDS Sorry to hear you’ve been unlucky in love. I’m on the books for the same agency as I pass for George Friend, in a certain light. I’ve spoken to Maureen who runs it. She is prepared to give you a tenner back. If you’re still looking for love I know a real trophy fella if you’re interested, in that he looks a bit like the FA Cup. I can introduce you… only a fiver… and a pint… of cinzano.

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HB