EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen,
Now I’m no expert in customer services, but I suspect that mocking volunteer run not-for-profit organisations is not necessarily best practice when it comes to handling complaints, however made – and I concede mine could have been made better.
I always find the first editorial of the season a difficult one to write. You’d perhaps think it the easiest, having had a whole summer to hone it, but then you would perhaps also think that any fanzine editor worth their salt would be keeping a keen eye on all things Rovers 24/7 365 days a year. I don’t. The truth is, as much as I love football, I embrace a break from it like a long lost relative. And so I spend my summer months in self-imposed exile, away from transfer rumours, and speculation, clinging to the close season with every fibre of my being.
In past correspondence with the club on the tone of their official twitter feed the response I received was ‘Do you want it to just go back to a staid BBC style feed?’ as if social media consisted solely of news organisations and Paddy Power and nothing in between. There is of course a vast spectrum that sits between those two extremes and whilst I recognise the benefit of humour and personality on social media - after all I work in this field in my day job - the official voice of the club really ought to occupy a place on that spectrum that is nearer the former than the latter.
Anyway, I was thrown a bone as it were during the Rovers vs Middlesbrough friendly when the club, through their official twitter feed, decided to make light of the name ‘Boro keeper, Dimitrios Konstantopoulos. On twitter I suggested making light of foreign names was neither big nor clever, and received a dig at football fanzines in reply.
CONTENTS: ISSUE 77 5 8 10 13 14 16 18 19 20 22
The Bernard Glover Diaries Go Away Marshall Matters Remembering the First Time The Belles, The Belles Choir Practice Leo’s Fortune Vest Conference Calls DIY Transfer Rumour Maker Jack’s Craic
24 26 28 29 30 32 34 37 38 39 3
Personal Programming Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Memorable Memorabilia Laws of the Game Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind Write for popular STAND Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle Classifieds
You can be official and light-hearted and for the most part the club have, mercifully, got this right, but is making light of a Greek player’s surname acceptable from an official club outlet? Of course it isn’t. Is it racist? Probably not. Is it xenophobic? Possibly. Is it right? Most certainly not.
But then I’ve long realised this is probably down to me than the club. I don’t talk about football in SoccerAMisms, and so it would appear our club’s self-coverage of its games is aimed at a different audience to that which I’d put myself in. Fair enough.
And this is the problem when you seemingly make it your aim to be onboard the banterbus - the lines between what’s acceptable and what isn’t begin to blur. Two people calling you a legend, enabling you to retweet some praise, doesn’t change what should be termed acceptable. And it also begins to set a dangerous precedent among your followers, with the reaction it subsequently drives, as shown in some of the replies when someone posted this twitter exchange on the Doncaster Rovers Facebook group...
But I’d like to think I still have a handle on actual decency. When Sunderland came to the Keepmoat an official tweet intoned of their fans; ‘Let’s hope they make the most of actual fresh air tonight’. Is that funny? No, it’s pointless, and uncalled for and makes the club look bitter and parochial. One teenage Newcastle fan tweeting to say ‘class that’, is not an endorsement of acceptability. If this is what the club want to do try and bend the boundaries of acceptability to pursue retweets as collateral over actual decency then I think it is a shame, because there are many ways to be distinctive on social media. Trying to another Paddy Power really isn’t it, because it undermines all the excellent work the club is doing, and continues to do, to make fans and other visitors to the stadium feel welcome.
It’s banter, calm down all you “offended” people. It’s just a fucking laugh and if there offended fuck off home Making a meal out if nothing here that’s problem with our country at moment too many people scared of offended people ffs
There is a place for humour in official communication, but that really shouldn’t be at the expense of decency. Hopefully the club will be able to address this over the season ahead.
The line for some is clearly fine enough already, without encouragement from the club that it’s ok to overstep the mark if ‘it’s banter’. I stopped following the club’s tweeted updates of matches as couldn’t get beyond the language deployed during them. I saw a recent tweet that credited Harry Forrester with ‘naughty footwork’. What is that? A foul? Good skill? Inappropriate advances beneath a table? I’ve no idea.
Thank you once again, for purchasing a copy of popular STAND fanzine and sticking with us for another season. It is greatly appreciated as ever. Viva Rovers 4
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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES SUMMER LOVING HAPPENED SO FAST, THANKFULLY WE MADE THESE NOTES TUESDAY 19 MAY
WEDNESDAY 10 JUNE
Rovers’ retained list for the 2015-16 season is published and as perhaps was expected there is no place on it for Theo Robinson and Jamie McCombe, nor Abdul Razak. Stephen Bywater is also to be released, but though Paul Dickov suggests in the local press ‘the door is still open’ to him, the goalkeeper looks set to move to India. More surprising omissions are Reece Wabara and Dean Furman, who were integral to the club last season and had each played under Dickov previously at Oldham – both are reported to be leaving to pursue careers at a higher level, though at the time of writing the former is without a club and the latter has, like much of his passing, moved sideways to go on trial at Bury.
Dickov’s first summer signing is a goalkeeper, and a bloody big one at that as Thorsten Stuckmann joins from Preston North End. The big German spent four seasons at Deepdale, and was player of the season in 2011-12, but had become second choice to former Rover Sam Johnstone.
FRIDAY 19 JUNE Is it just too good to be true, as forward Andy Williams joins from Swindon Town on a three year deal? Williams scored twenty-two goals for Town last season. ‘In our meeting [Dickov] noticed little things like my movement, which not every manager appreciates,’ he told the Doncaster Star. Let’s hope that the way he fidgets in an office chair translates to the way he flits around the pitch.
THURSDAY 21 MAY Kyle Bennett follows those above out of the Keepmoat Stadium, as he drops down a division to join Portsmouth. ‘I certainly don’t see this as a backward step’ Bennett tells the BBC, failing to grasp how the Football League works. The press report Dickov to be disappointed with Bennett’s departure as the player had ‘shook [his] hand [on a new contract offer] and agreed verbally to it,’ and because ‘the club has looked after Kyle fantastically for the last four years’.
TUESDAY 30 JUNE Central defender Gary MacKenzie is Rovers’ third signing, joining on a two year deal. MacKenzie was released by divisional basket-cases Blackpool in the summer having spent much of last season on loan at Bradford City. ‘He is a hard as nails centre half who comes highly recommended and a man who will run through brick walls for me, his teammates and for the fans,’ said Dickov to the press, whilst replastering a man-shaped hole in the Keepmoat Stadium breezeblocks. 5
MONDAY 6 JULY
WEDNESDAY 22 JULY BRIDLINGTON TOWN 0-2 ROVERS
Dickov makes another addition to his Rovers squad as midfielder Richard Chaplow joins the club. Released by Millwall in May, Chaplow had spent a significant portion of last season on loan at Ipswich Town, and can play anywhere across the midfield, helping to give a bit more strength and versatility to the squad.
Though listed as a first-team fixture, this was very much a Rovers development side that travelled to the east coast to defeat Bridlington Town’s senior side; youngsters Billy Whitehouse and Anthony Belle scoring the two goals.
THURSDAY 23 JULY
WEDNESDAY 8 JULY FRICKLEY ATHLETIC 0-2 ROVERS
Rumours that Liam Wakefield has not agreed a new deal with Rovers are given significant credence as the defender turns out for Walsall in their friendly with Rushall Olympic. Whether he is to join the Saddlers permanently or not remains unclear, but it would suggest he is unlikely to feature for Rovers again.
It’s time to face it folks, despite the popular chant there are some things in life that no amount of pyro will turn into a party, and a pre-season friendly at Frickley is one of those things. Just back in pre-season training the players are always likely to be a bit rusty, however Curtis Main at least continued where he had finished off last season – fluffing a first-half penalty. Two goals from Nathan Tyson settled the result, but the brief stoppage for smoke bombs from the crowd was the main talking point.
SATURDAY 25 JULY ROVERS 0-0 MIDDLESBROUGH A creditable and encouraging draw for Rovers as their pre-season preparations stepped up against a side expected to be challenging for promotion from the Championship.This was supposed to be James Coppinger’s day, billed as it was as his testimonial, but another wide man took the pre-match headlines. Stewart Downing, back from the Premier League to star for his home town club, started for the visitors. The form of new signing Stuckmann was a significant factor in just how and why this game did end goalless, with the keeper making a number of telling saves. However, Rovers own finishing still looks a tad rusty with the home side guilty of wasting a number of chances to get a result to match the performance.
TUESDAY 21 JULY ROVERS 1-1 NOTTINGHAM FOREST OK Curtis, I take it all back. Rovers’ front-man Main struck the opening goal after just quarter of an hour, turning home the loose ball following a Harry Forrester free-kick. However, that was cancelled out before half-time by an excellent solo effort from Chris Burke, and though Rovers held their own, the second forty-five minutes inevitably petered out in a raft of subs. Making a first appearance was Aaron Taylor-Sinclair who only joined from Wigan yesterday having previously come to prominence in the Partick Thistle side that earned promotion to the Scottish Premier League. 6
MONDAY 27 JULY ARMTHORPE WELFARE 0-4 ROVERS
THURSDAY 30 JULY Rovers squad gains another new addition in the form of Danny N’Guessan. A signing straight out of left field, which is good as that’s where he tends to play, the attacking midfielder joins from AE Larisa. Though he certainly gives Dickov even more attacking options, N’Guessan has hardly pulled up any trees wherever he has been, so a two year contract would appear something of a risk. We of course hope to be proved wrong.
Another outing against senior opposition for the development team, who continue to be unfazed by whoever they come up against. Two goals from Joe Pugh and one each for Whitehouse and Bell wrapping up the win at Church Street.
WEDNESDAY 29 JULY ROVERS 2-0 SUNDERLAND Cue unbridled optimism and a queue of Rovers fans outside the doors of the town’s various bookmakers ready to chuck their house keys on a another title-winning season. Facetiousness aside it does all seems to be coming together for Rovers; we have a commanding goalkeeper, the new signings are bedding in, the Black Bank are helping create an actual atmosphere, Richie Wellens can still be bothered, and Cedric Evina has remembered how to play football.
SATURDAY 1 AUGUST ROVERS 3-4 WOLVERHAMPTON ‘Believe it or not, I’m delighted,’ Dickov told the Doncaster Free Press after this game, fooling nobody. ‘It was a bit of a wake-up call for us.’ And given the ease with which Wolves found scoring from set-pieces in the first half of this game you can certainly see his point. ‘I was looking for progression with each game, and the progression after this one is that we have to be at our best all the time, especially against top teams.’ After Andy Butler had given Rovers the lead Wolves struck three times in fifteen minutes; only for Rob Jones do as Rob Jones does and power in a header to make it 3-2 on the stroke of half-time. Tyson levelled things with a goal destined for a future Danny Baker compilation, pouncing on goalkeeper Aaron McCarey’s air-kick, however reestablished their lead through Bright Enobakhare and retained it through the late substitutions. For Rovers fans this game offered a first sighting of N’Guessan - thought it would appear he’s a way to go before being fully match fit – and Chaplow, who may yet be in Dickov’s plans for the opening game of the season against Bury.
It was Evina, relishing his new role on the left of midfield, who opened the scoring by firing in Forrester’s cross. In the second-half, Forrester went from provider to scorer as he lashed in a loose ball in the area to double Rovers advantage. Sunderland were far from passengers in this game, and it took a couple of great saves from Stuckmann to maintain the advantage and keep optimism at unrealistically high levels as the season looms ever closer.
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GO AWAY YOUR INDISPENSABLE GUIDE TO ROVERS AWAY GAME DESTINATIONS CONTINUES SUNDAY 16 AUGUST
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
Formerly the JJB Stadium, it was renamed DW Stadium in 2009 after a character in the animated children’s television show Arthur. Despite this warm and friendly name choice, the usually happy-go-lucky Football Ground Guide is somewhat scathing suggesting it ‘looks more interesting from the outside, from a distance, than it does within’. And that ‘it just seems to lack something to give it that memorable feeling,’ to be labelled as notably bland in a world of bland identikit stadiums is surely some achievement.
WIGAN ATHLETIC
A former Lancashire councillor once said ‘a coal mine in the backyard was not uncommon in Wigan,’ which is all well and good, but you try getting a pit wheel and a 500 metre conveyor from B&Q on a bank holiday. Though the borough of Wigan has existed for hundreds of years the town is not mentioned in the Domesday Book, though this mainly due to the publishers insisting on a happy ending.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
The Road to Wigan Pier, George Orwell’s seminal essay on depression in the north of England brought the town into the nation’s conscience in the 1930s, but there are thankfully reasons to be cheerful too. Celebrated buck-toothed ukulele-playing windowpeeping variety act George Formby grew up in the town, as too did Limahl and The Verve, whilst Wigan Casino was the focal point of the Northern Soul movement.
SATURDAY 26 SEPTEMBER
SHEFFIELD UNITED
‘Sheffield, I suppose, could justly claim to be called the ugliest town in the Old World’ said the Lord Mayor of Sheffield. Only kidding, it was George Orwell in Road to Wigan Pier, and he’s probably doing it a disservice; Sheffield is very much of the new world.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
HOW TO BLEND IN
Take you lead from Wigan’s music stars and stride down Wallgate in sporting a flock of seagulls hair cut, playing a ukulele and dusting talcum powder beneath your feet whilst shoulderbarging all and sundry out of your way Richard Ashcroft style. 8
Steel, bloody steel. It’s all cutlery this and knives that, as if we weren’t perfectly capable of eating with our hands before they started thrusting forks at us at every turn. Jessica Ennis, Michael Palin, Pulp, the Arctic Monkeys, the list goes on and on like a South Yorkshire take on Billy Joel’s I Didn’t Start the Fire.
As part of the Sheffield’s rich sporting tapestry, each year at the Crucible Theatre the world’s top snooker players are tried as witches.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
New Cross was the destination of London’s very last tram in 1952; with reports stating huge cheers greeted its arrival at the depot from Woolwich – but then if you’ve ever been to Woolwich you’d understand the passengers’ relief to be in New Cross. In August 1977 the ‘Battle of Lewisham’ took place in New Cross during which ‘the British National Front were beaten off by anti-fascists and local people’. A novel approach, but then they do say make love not war. Notable locally born Millwall fans include Danny Baker, and Gary Oldman; the latter moved to Los Angeles in the early 1990s though, having takenTony Cascarino’s move to Aston Villa very badly.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Carry cutlery, lots of cutlery whilst swigging from a bottle of Henderson’s Relish and whistling I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
A Trigger’s broom of a stadium, Bramall Lane now has four completely unrecognisable stands from the stadium originally built on the site in 1855. Home fans often refer to the stadium as Beautiful Down Town Bramall Lane due to their love of irony. Away fans sit in the lower tier of the Bramall Lane Stand, which was formerly names the Jessica Ennis Stand in honour of by rampant opportunism. Those at the back of this section will find their view hampered by the low-hanging tier above which, due to United’s preferred style of play, makes much of the game invisible.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Millwall fans are notoriously easy going and welcoming, as reflected in the songs they choose to sing; ‘no-one likes us, we don’t care’ and ‘let ‘em come’. As such there really is no need to try and blend in, so get yourself in The Surrey Docks for a pint, moan loudly about southern prices and southern beer and start up a few Rovers chants. They love that stuff
SATURDAY 10 OCTOBER
MILLWALL
The area of Millwall sits in east London at the heart of what was once London’s thriving docklands. Once the preserve of industry – such as the canning factory at which the football club were formed – it is now in the shadow of Canary Wharf and flush with luxury apartments the size of an airing cupboard yet still unaffordable to 99.9% of the population. Anticipating this gentrification by about a century, Millwall left the Isle of Dogs in 1903, crossing the Thames firstly to North Greenwich and then to New Cross where they have been ever since.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
Millwall’s home ground, The Den, is so named because it is constructed out of sofa cushions and covered in a tablecloth propped up by dining room chairs. That said it is a decent enough, four-sided new ground and the away end offers a good view of the action. In the 1990s the stadium’s feng shui was cited as a reason for Millwall’s failure to return to the top flight. Apparently it’s location produces an influential negative energy - presumably it’s at its most negative between 3pm and 5pm on Saturdays. 9
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MARSHALL MATTERS PAUL DICKOV HAS SAID HE’S LOOKING TO BUILD ‘A SQUAD OF MEN’. ROB MARSHALL IS RELIEVED ‘Is that one of the Rovers players Dad?’ asked my daughter, her sharper, younger eyes identifying that the badge on his tracksuit top matched her own. I again looked at the bloke, now scurrying towards the entrance, almost nervously and awkwardly avoiding eye contact. ‘Yes, that’s Dean Furman’ I replied, the pieces dropping into place. The players were gathering to travel to their away game.
In early October last year I found myself on the familiar journey to the Keepmoat, though with the Rovers away, my visit was to watch an under 11 team to which my daughter belongs. It was a crisp Saturday morning, as usual we were running late and found the parking near the sports pitches typically full, forcing us to head further round the stadium for a space in which to abandon the car. We jumped out and began to hurriedly make our way back towards the pitches.
No sooner had the words left my lips then other members of ‘Fiddy’s’ entourage made their way towards reception, all uniformly clad in club leisure wear and a vast array of jewellery, watches and wash bags. I looked at my daughter’s face, as Kyle Bennett and Reece Wabara jovially waltzed by with perfectly styled barnets and intricate facial hair, to see her fixing something of a suspicious gaze towards Rovers finest.
As we did so my eye was drawn to the row of parked cars which ran snuggly alongside the edge of the ground. It appeared on first glance as though 50 Cent must have been putting on a concert, as the tarmac was lined with black 4x4s and sports cars, each equipped with uniform alloy wheels and blacked out windows. One of the vehicles could be heard gently thumping out some ‘music’ as it rhythmically rocked it’s occupant.
I was a little more concrete in my outlook. Having spent a large sum of money in watching our diamond clad charges deliver a number of gutless performances already that season I was totting up in my head the cost of the motors the trio had left behind. It was edging past six figures, and the final straw appeared at the end of the queue of pimped out rides.
I was still pondering quite what was happening when a face appeared, making its way towards us. I recognised him, but couldn’t think where from – work? school? Another Dad late for the morning’s football? I couldn’t be sure and despite my fierce squinting I couldn’t place him.
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Harry Forrester, the source of the stifled music, threw open the driver’s door on his personalised number plated BMW and emerged with full complement of bling and sporting a ridiculously large baseball hat which he was forced to gently ease out of the car, before carefully using his immaculately manicured trainers to place his feet firmly on the ground (a place, I fear from looking at them, most of the players struggle to keep theirs).
I’ll never come to terms with it and I’ll never be able to identify with players who are so far removed from the rest of us. I find it almost impossible to get behind someone who’s first concern appears to be the quality of their hair product or procuring the latest Nikes. When Paul Dickov announced at the end of last season that he needed ‘a squad of men’ it brought, from me, a large sigh of relief. I recalled some names of the past, the likes of which would fit the bill, names like Alan Warboys, Jack Ashurst, John Schofield - proper men who would not only run through brick walls for the side, but – you suspect – washed only with a bar of soap, spent under a fiver on a haircut, and would look suspiciously at any fella with an earring.
My ten-year-old summed it up perfectly when asking, faced screwed into a mix of confusion and contempt ‘Why are they all like that? They’re ridiculous’. The sense of injustice had built up inside me throughout the preceding dozen footsteps, but given the time, my proceeding rant couldn’t be directed towards those most deserving of it, instead my little girl was forced to nod quietly, as I recounted exactly what those players had done over the last six games to ‘earn’ the money which paid for them to look so ridiculously stereotypical. Six games, of which they had lost four and only scored in two. I felt vein popping anger at the ease and nonchalance at which none of it seemed to matter to them. It got me so angry because it mattered so much to me.
I remember seeing Tim Ryan, during his pomp, in the local Sainsbury’s of a Saturday night, getting stocked up with fags before a night out. I once turned up to play 5-a-side at the Dome only to find that Ian Duerden was lining up for the opposition. And I recall stumbling from the Karisma nightclub late one evening to find Colin Sutherland slumped in a bus stop outside. Slurring some inaudible words with eyes as glazed as an iced bun, he was, and still remains to this day, the drunkest I have ever seen a man. 11
MARSHALL MATTERS CONTINUED FROM PAGES 10 AND 11
Some men, doing manly things... like taking a bath together. The Rovers team celebrate beating QPR in 1985
However, he and his kin were like the rest of us. We moved in similar circles, we did similar things and we battled the same demons. Whilst we were happy to view them on something of a pedestal, we could still relate to them and we were all in it together. It’s a feeling which is fast fading for me, I can’t relate to the modern footballer in any way. Yeah, I’ve been to Nando’s, but to be honest I didn’t much care for it. I’ve tried sifting through their Twitter feeds but am left numbed by pictures of body kits and boots, shout outs and endorsement and even one ‘urgent’ plea for a decorator- obviously not urgent enough for an underachieving League One forward to dirty his own hands and open a tin of emulsion.
These days a third tier footballer earns life changing money and whilst it is not their fault, it has hastened their detachment from the rest of us. Paul Dickov’s recruitment policy gave me renewed hope, someone to relate to, to get behind. Someone who would feel the pain felt on the terraces and bare the scars just like the fans. A squad of men? That’d be great, but to be honest, I’d settle for a few normal blokes.
RM 12
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME BRANDON HAZELWOOD MAKES US FEEL OLD BY RECALLING ROVERS VS MANCHESTER CITY, FROM 2007 Pre-seasons always get you hyped up. I recall feeling the anticipation between in the midst of the red and white supporters congregating outside the Keepmoat Stadium, while tucking into their pre-match burgers and hot dogs. The warm, pleasurable smell of the onions floating around was almost quite welcoming as I made my way through the turnstiles not really knowing what to expect from this unfamiliar experience.
lead. I was astonished! I now found myself with my head buried in my hands, like I felt some sort of loss. What was happening to me?! I couldn’t believe how the mood had changed around me, one minute it was the usual friendly chatter and the next it was gloomy, dull looking faces everywhere I turned. How emotions can change so quickly! Some fans were now starting to head to the exits shaking their heads in disbelief, while the rest of the contingent attempted to roar the team on.
The glorious sunshine hit me and the butterflies in my stomach slowly fluttered away. I’ll always remember quickly removing the autograph book from my back pocket while the sea of news reporters frantically hurried just to get a peek at the previous England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson.
With a big sigh of relief, the game eventually ended and the players were given a standing ovation by the remaining supporters while they gradually made their way off the pitch. I stayed there staring at the opposite side of the stadium and I was sure that one day I would be returning here! After what felt like a lifetime in the queue down the stairs, I rushed over the hill to avoid the congestion before turning back around and having a last look at the Keepmoat Stadium behind me.
The first whistle finally sounded to kick us off followed by a huge applause to spur on the two teams. This really was something special and it only took a quarter of an hour for me to experience my first Doncaster Rovers’ goal! All I remember from the moment of madness was everyone jumping wildly celebrating. The roar really hit me hard and suddenly I sensed myself having some sort of association with this football club.
Maybe a disappointing afternoon for the most avid fans, but for me, it was a wonderful experience and I was almost confident that it wouldn’t be my last.
After devouring a hot dog that seemed nearly as large as me, the second-half started and the tides had turned with Manchester City racing into a two goal
A sense of attachment fell upon me, as I felt a belonging within this football community. 13
BH
THE BELLES, THE BELLES EDITOR GLEN WILSON CATCHES UP WITH DONCASTER ROVERS BELLES STRIKER COURTNEY SWEETMAN-KIRK What Rovers would give for a twenty goal a season striker; someone to stick the ball in the back of the net every other game. Aside from Billy Sharp’s initial spell you have to go back over a decade to find the veteran Paul Barnes and his protégé Gregg Blundell. Before that? You’re going to have to flip through a fair few Rothman’s Annuals to find out.
For Doncaster Rovers Belles however there is no need to wonder, she’s very much here and now; Courtney Sweetman-Kirk – 29 games, 24 goals. Need a bigger endorsement that statistics? No problem, with SweetmanKirk firing in goals from all angles, former Belles and England captain Gillian Coulthard has described her as one of the most important players in the league. ‘Praise from someone who achieved so much with England and Belles is a great boost,’ says SweetmanKirk, ‘it makes me want to carry on in the form I have and prove Gillian right with her comments’. Like the rest of the Belles squad Sweetman-Kirk is a part-time footballer and when not topping goalscoring charts she’s at Warwickshire College where she works as a Sports Development Officer. ‘Thankfully they’re very supportive, which I am very grateful for’. Having started out with Leicester and then Coventry, Sweetman-Kirk moved on to Lincoln (now Notts County) but began to find first team opportunities limited and moved to the Belles last summer.
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‘I’m loving it and have since day one. I’d like to think that shows on the pitch too. I am enjoying my football very much and love the atmosphere around the club, the players and the staff.’ Was the Belles standing in women’s football a draw? Or was it the chance of regular football that appealed more? ‘Both, they’ve a great reputation and that was definitely one of the big draws but ultimately it was about doing what I love; playing football. Thankfully I was given that opportunity by Belles and I think it worked out very well.’
something you can coach. Teams find it very hard to break us down, and the spirit plays a part in that’. Top of FAWSL2 with seven league games to go, the Belles goal of promotion is very much on course. ‘Yes, that comes first, before my own targets. I’d like to finish top scorer and hopefully that is something that will help us to achieve that promotion.’ Does Sunderland’s excellent first season in the top flight give the team confidence they can make the step up? ‘I think if you look at them and us we are quite similar. They have a good core of the team that have played together for a while and a great team spirit and belief in each other just as we do.’
That goal-scoring record would suggest so. Sweetman-Kirk struck 10 goals in 13 games for the Belles last season, and, prior to the Continental Cup games with Manchester City and Liverpool, had 14 from 14 this campaign. ‘It’s always hard joining mid season but I still tried to do a job last season. This season I was glad to get a full pre-season in with the squad, learn more about my team mates and work hard in improving myself. [New manager] Glen Harris coming in has also been a big factor. He has given me a lot of confidence and we work well together looking at how I can keep improving as a player.’
The Belles have four home games left, and though they’ve seen crowds rise since the World Cup – including an impressive 1,274 against Manchester City – they welcome further support. If you’ve not yet been to watch them, Sweetman-Kirk has some words of encouragement. ‘I’m sure you’ll be very happy with what you see. Once we get people through the turnstiles they can see how high the standard of football is. They’ll see a passionate and professional side who score goals, play nice football, but also hate a bite about them too. The atmosphere is great, and players are always more than happy to come and chat, have pictures and sign autographs.’ So what are you waiting for? Get down the Keepmoat for the games below and make the most of the rare opportunity to see a Doncaster striker finding the net again and again.
On the subject of team-mates, one thing that always strikes me about the Belles, is the level of team-spirit and camaraderie in the squad. I ask Sweetman-Kirk if she feels that’s important.‘It’s a huge asset and definite advantage. We all work extremely hard for each other and really have everyone’s best interests at heart. We all have each other’s back on and off the pitch, I don’t think that’s
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SUPPORT THE BELLES IN THEIR UPCOMING HOME GAMES... Thursday 27 August
Thursday 10 September
Saturday 3 October
7:45pm
7:45pm
6:30pm
vs DURHAM
vs EVERTON 15
vs OXFORD UTD
CHOIR PRACTICE PEOPLE ARE SINGING... AT THE FOOTBALL LAZARUS TRIES TO GET HIS HEAD ROUND IT ‘Atmosphere’ was a hot topic among the Rovers faithful last season. What is it? Why don’t we have as much of it as bigger clubs? How do we get more of it? For some the answer involved violence, or pyrotechnics, or ‘banter’ - perhaps to punctuate the emptiness of their lives since the brain injury. For some, all that mattered were results and ‘ambition’ and the lack of both was used to justify their jeers. And for others, football is simply a pleasant pastime to while away the weekends, connect with old friends, supporting and being part of a strong, local community.
Cheering and shouting encouragement at players is one thing – as is exchanging witty retorts with opposing fans – but singing about your feelings in a public forum, when it comes down to it, is really quite bizarre. Musicals are a genre of film I’ve never taken to, on the basis that maintaining any suspension of disbelief when people are breaking out into song and dance routines every few minutes is quite impossible. When do these people get together to learn the words and the choreography? Do they all meet up to determine potential events in future and compose their own public performances in the hope that when one of them actually comes to pass they will be ready? Whilst it may keep them off the streets and out of social mischief it’s still undeniably an odd way to pass the time.
For what it’s worth, I can at least begin grasp the appeal of the game to each of these groups, but there’s another subset of football supporter whom I’ve never quite been able to get my head around. The singers. Football fans singing at matches is something so ingrained into the culture of the game that it doesn’t seem odd until you actually think about it.
How and why this behaviour became part of the Saturday afternoon norm remains a mystery to me.
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Maybe it’s because football stadiums are churches of a sort, and the songs that are sung are merely hymns offered up to the footballing gods. I’m sure when a rousing chorus of You’ll Never Walk Alone reverberates around Anfield before a match there’s a certain sense of spirituality that accompanies it. Similarly, I’m sure that as a player, it must be inspiring to some degree to have hordes of people dedicating some speciallywritten impromptu karaoke to you on a weekend.
Is this what makes an atmosphere at a game? Joining together in song with a multitude of other voices? Is it this that is really such an integral part of the experience? If so, why don’t football fans actually join their own choir groups, or amateur-dramatic collectives performing Gilbert & Sullivan, or simply serenade shoppers in their local arcades like carol singers do at Christmas? Do they really only have the urge to hit the high notes at sporting events? Whatever the reasoning behind it all, it’s safe to say that ‘atmosphere’ remains a tricky concept to quantify. I suppose it’s fair to say though that it’s much easier to ‘sing when you’re winning’ and when our teams are performing well, whatever the atmosphere is made of, it remains a positive one. But if belting out the football arias can actually make a difference to the players on the pitch – whatever the reasoning behind that strange fact – perhaps we need to worry less about the weirdness of it and instead start working on our vocal ranges.
However, I do still nonetheless wonder where these things are started, whether or not groups of like-minded baritones meet up during the week to discuss their playlist for the upcoming match, and continue working on their harmonies. In any other sense of the situation, wouldn’t this simply be known as choir practice? I think what is most confusing though is when song is used to taunt opposition fans. Granted, I’m all in favour of any alternative for the getpissed-see-the-game-have-a-fight way of thinking, but isn’t there something more than just a little bit West Side Story about taunting a rival group with a rousing rendition of ‘Shall we sing a song for you?; Even ‘Your support is fucking shit’ is hardly the opening salvo of a war when it’s done in the key of A Flat to the tune of a century-old Welsh hymn.
Now, who’s up for a verse of ‘Zigger Zagger?’
DJL
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CONFERENCE CALLS CHRIS KIDD CONTINUES HIS LOOK BACK AT PLAYERS FROM ROVERS CONFERENCE YEARS WITH SIMON MARPLES Signed by Rovers from Stocksbridge Park Steels for £12,000 in the summer of 1999, Simon Marples stayed at Belle Vue through to June 2006, having been a big part of Rovers resurgence back into the Football League. Marples was a marauding right back who was arguably slightly better going forward than he was in defence. His pulsating runs down the right-hand side of the field quickly turned defence into attack and gave Rovers a dangerous counter attacking element.
SIMON MARPLES FACT FILE BORN: 30 JULY, 1975 ROVERS APPEARANCES: ROVERS GOALS:
170 0
DEBUT: 2 OCTOBER 1999 vs WELLING UNITED Yet Marples seemed to be one of the first names on the team sheet during his first years at the club and enjoyed being a part of the early glory Rovers would experience in the first decade of the 21st century, as a mainstay of the side which gained promotion, via the play-offs, back into the Football League. The following season he suffered a couple of injuries but still managed over twenty appearances as Rovers swept all before them to win the Division Three title.
Marples was on the books of Sheffield Wednesday and Rotherham United as a youngster before joining Stocksbridge Park Steels where he soon began to make a name for himself. Following his move to Belle Vue and after seven seasons at Rovers he joined Chester, before signing for Alfreton Town. Marples was something of an unsung hero during his time in red and white hoops. Defenders often go under the radar, especially those that don’t chip in with the odd goal here and there. Statistically it is quite astonishing that in over 150 appearances Marples failed to find the net, but looking back it’s not that surprising really. Although he was often in positions well in advance of his defensive role, those positions were always near the corner flag after running 50 yards with the ball at his feet, before crossing into the middle for the oncoming forwards. Indeed I can’t really recall ever seeing him in the opposition’s penalty area.
He won Rovers Player of the Year 19992000, putting in performances that supposedly caught the eye of clubs in the First Division and even Premier League. Luckily, Rovers manage to keep a hold of the right back and he served the club well, as any player who makes over 150 appearences for a club in the modern era is pretty much in ‘club stalwart’ territory. Simon Marples, another piece of the Rovers Conference jigsaw, that helped to get the club back where we are today. 18
CJK
LEO’S FORTUNE VEST MORE BOLD PREDICTIONS FROM OUR FORMER STRIKER’S UNDERGARMENTS, CHANNELED THROUGH MIKE FOLLOWS It’s been somehting of a strange preseason. Nobody has tried to take over the club. The transfer dealings have been done effectively and professionally. Thanks to the plugging of the leaks in the club staff we don’t even know which player on our radar has been pinched by Barnsley this summer. So where can we turn to fill our appetites for conjecture and specualtion? There can be but one answer. Yes, it’s the long-awaited return of Leo’s Fortune Vest! Over to Big Leo then for his take on the season ahead.
Who will be player of the season? This is a difficult one. I looked long and hard at my vest to try and find a clue but I really struggled to see anything in its mystical markings. I even laid it out on the bed to examine the grime and dirt in more detail but it just looked like a blot on the clean sheet. That’s how I realised that fate had caused me to lay it there. The clean sheet was all the proof I needed to guarantee that Thorsten Stuckmann will be named player of the season come May 2016. Get down the bookies now.
First up, the big one: Where will Rovers finish in the league One table? I took my lucky vest with me on my jollibobs to Cornwall and whilst sitting on the harbour wall at Mevagissey snaffling a pasty, a dirty great seagull dropped its guts right on the crown of my ten-bob shaped bonce. The shock of the avian excrement landing atop my pate caused me to drop a chunk of swede out of my pasty onto the left nipple of my favourite sleeveless top. Right where the badge would have been on my Rovers shirt. As it rolled down my front, it left three distinct stains before it hit the floor. Incontrovertible proof then, Rovers’ll finish third in the table. I picked up the lump of veg and took it to the nearest bin which was full to overflowing with chip papers, pasty wrappers and broken crab lines so I had to walk up the hill to dispose of it in the top bin. Which is where the winning goal will be going as Richie Wellens strikes a 20 yard thunderbolt at Wembley in the play-off final.
Will Rovers sell any players for big money? The policy of developing youth for the first team is one to be applauded for the long-term benefit of the club but that can always lead to big clubs making approaches for talented youngsters. My vest didn’t throw any light on this question so I consulted my back-up oracle: Richard Chaplow’s Crystal Head. I rubbed a dollop of Brasso in to bring up a shine but Richard complained of a burning sensation. Mitchell Lund heard his pained moans and chucked half a glass of water over the midfielder’s noggin. Lund to Burnley for half a million it is then. Will Steve Evans stop being an odious little crook this season? No.
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MF
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JACK’S CRAIC JACK PEAT ON WHAT BEING A DONCASTER EXPAT TELLS US ABOUT THE NORTH-SOUTH DIVIDE As a Doncaster expat living in London I was dismayed to find that this season only six of the 22 teams in League One exist south of ‘The Wall’. Indeed, the first game I could comfortably make doesn’t arrive until mid-October when we take on Millwall at The Den. Lucky me.
When George R.R. Martin envisaged The Wall in Game of Thrones he definitely had League One in mind. A colossal fortification which stretches for 300 miles along the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms defending the realm from the wildlings who live beyond. It is the fantastical embodiment of the chasm that exists between the glitz and glamour of the Championship and Premier League and the bleak reality of all that lie beneath that, and in no way is this more apparent than through the eyes of a Doncaster expat.
Not one to complain – it’s my own choice to live down here – I’ve booked tickets home in August and September which will keep my bed sheets and boxer shorts clean at the very least. But I couldn’t help but point out the subtext of it all, that London, and its overspill into the South East, is literally vacuuming the life out of the rest of the country.
Take a pen and sketch a line from the Severn Estuary near Gloucester to the Wash Natural Nature Reserve near King’s Lyn and you will have a fictional wall that is becoming increasingly non-fictional under the current Tory administration. If you’re particular throw another line just north of Stoke-on-Trent and south of Grimsby and squiggle ‘Hills have Eyes’ or some other derogatory term for The Midlands to separate them from the real north. Hadrian’s half-arsed craftsmanship north of that is a poignant representation of Scotland’s lukewarm attitude to the union and, equally, to independence. A sort of Schrodinger’s Cat for nationalism.
In football terms this is evidenced by the fact that there are six London teams in the Premier League and four in the Championship (it’s at this point you start counting London teams on your fingers *Hint* you missed out Crystal Palace and/or Watford), which means there will be 30 London derbies in the PL next season and we can even expect a team like Brentford (jokes on us) to be in with a chance of reaching the top flight. In contrast, there is one London team in League One, and I think we can all agree that we have hardly been landed with the cream of the crop. 22
This skewed equilibrium is also starkly apparent outside the footballing world. London has become an island economy that is littered with inbound investment as the rest of the country fights to attract business. In economic terms, we’re not just talking six Premier League teams. London is the Premier League, and a fair bit of the Championship too. The credit crunch has been to Britain what the decline of textile and coal industries was all those years ago, and you shouldn’t be in any doubt that the consequences will be just as severe. Britain’s economy is, by some calculations, the most dependent on a single urban area among the world’s most industrialized nations. Danny Dorling, a professor of geography at Oxford University, says ‘it’s almost the definition of polarization’ after figures from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development revealed that, measured in terms of geography, Britain’s economic divide is among the widest of the seven most industrialized countries. London and the rest of Britain’s South East region account for about 35 percent of UK economic output, compared to New York, which generates just 7.3 percent of national gross domestic product in the US.
One has to wonder whether Boris Johnson was joking when he suggested London could become a city state, like the Vatican. And if it was jettisoned, would it take its football clubs with it? The SPL is only 12 teams, the Premier League and Championship’s share take care of that, plus Millwall and Wimbledon for token thuggery. The chasm that exists between League 1 and the Premier League and Championship is one of the most prominent physical scars to underscore the economic inequality that exists in Britain today. I am an expat of the north because, put bluntly, I have significantly better career prospects south of the wall than I do north of it. And I’m not alone. Some 204,443 people moved to London in the last year, with twentysomethings migrating to the capital in their droves. For tech-savvy youngsters battling shameful levels of youth employment, it is becoming their only choice. So the next time you jump on a coach at Rossington destined for a city south of Coventry take note. It is likely to become an increasingly rare trip, both on and off the field.
JP
BERNARD GLOVER’S
BELIEVE IT or NOT Former Rovers striker Stewart Mell was the original comedy double act partner of Sue Perkins, only to be replaced by Mel Giedroyc for ‘political reasons’ in 1996. 23
PERSONAL PROGRAMMING EDITOR GLEN WILSON CONTINUES OUR SERIES OF ARTICLES ON PAST ROVERS PROGRAMMES My sister’s boyfriend isn’t much of a talker. Thankfully, we have football to save us. He supports Tottenham, a side I have yet to find good reason to hate, and so I’ve gifted him a nice white and navy scarf in the past. And in return he’s ticked me off his own list of ‘people I’m probably obliged to buy Christmas presents for’ with Rovers stuff. But, not for him the first pair of socks from the club shop he has not. No, instead - and if you’re reading this Sian, this is why he he’s marriage material – he has delivered with considerable thought.
Colin Addison was County manager at the time and his considerable notes adorn page two. He laments the absence of John Relish, sadly without resorting to suggesting County are too dry without him, and is also disappointed by keeper Mark Kendall’s transfer request; ‘no-one has a divine right to play for the first team’. In The Visitors section it’s the Rovers team photo which catches the eye, particularly the stature of goalkeeper Willie Boyd who looks like he’s standing down a hole. Ian Snodin is already sporting the hairstyle that he’d faithfully stick by for the next two decades, whilst brother Glynn on the other hand is primed and ready to accept the call from George Michael to be the third member of Wham.
And he has delivered well.Alongside a first edition of Raise the Roof fanzine is the subject of this article, the match programme from the first Rovers game after my birth; Newport County away, Saturday 15 January, 1983. The Amber Note may sound more like the name of a Billy Joel album than a match programme, but this is a solid three colour programme – amber, black and white – which packs all a proper programme should in its twenty pages without fuss or frippery. The front cover is said to depict ‘Match Action’, but looks more like a spot the ball competition; showing a number of players half-arsedly ambling about the Millwall six-yard box. ‘Tommy Tynan sets up the chance for Dave Gwyther’ is how it’s described inside with the sort of glossed positive praise for godawful abjectness that is normally reserved only for children’s paintings. 24
On pages six and seven, editor Richard Shepherd takes us Inside Somerton with news of a recent players outing to the Queens Hotel; ‘After a very pleasant meal everyone adjourned to the residents’ lounge where a video replay of our Milk Cup draw against Everton was shown’. Here, also listed, are all 25 winners in the Somerton Youth Prize draw. Not just their names given, but also their addresses too, so if you’re after a new colour television you need only head to 3 Matchwood Crescent, Ealing and wait for Mr Davies to pop down the shops. Georgina Williams of Harold Road, Abergavenny was lucky enough to win a poultry voucher, which may or may not be a spelling error.
Player feature Amber Angle focuses on Keith Oakes, just back with the first team after breaking his jaw in two places in a collision with Reading’s Kerry Dixon. ‘Being able to take only liquidised food during the period his jaw was wired he lost a fair amount of weight, but he’s been looking more like his old self in recent weeks,’ a statement arguably nearer veiled insult that compliment.
Confession-time on turning to the back page as I’ve never heard of Rovers number six Clive Wiggington, yet here he is listed as captain. Full-back Garry Watson is, to me, equally unknown, but the rest of the names are familiar; Peacock, Humphries, Douglas, Austin, Robertson et al.
In Commercial Scene with Peter Jones there are bodywarmers on offer in the Club Shop and this enterprising hire service; ‘All home matches are videotaped for our players and management and are later available for anyone who wishes to hire them for a small charge.’
The stand out name for the home side is that next to number eight. John Aldridge, in his penultimate season before a move to Oxford, had formed an impressive striking partnership with fellow scouser Tynan. In later years, whilst the former was leaving Liverpool for Real Sociedad, the latter would have a brief stint at Belle Vue.
Meanwhile in the Queen’s Hotel, roll up for the Saturday supporters’ special; ‘Your choice from the carving table coffee or tea £2.95 including VAT’. They must brew their tea and coffee to some strength if it requires carving. My favourite ad though is that for Magnus Organ, a name which surely belongs in Carry On films or even porn, rather than the fuel distribution trade.
These were heady days for Newport, with much of this side having played for the club during their run to the quarter finals of the European Cup Winners Cup just two seasons earlier. At the end of this season they would finish fourth in the third division, just missing out on promotion to the second tier. It would be as good as it got. Six years later the club folded. Rovers on the other hand were already sliding, and went onto finish the season, relegated in twenty-third place.
Look Back in Amber has to be the best named historical feature ever conceived, and it too focuses on Rovers. ‘It’s just over twenty-four years since Doncaster made their first visit to Somerton Park… and included in their side a centre-half who was described as ‘something of a comedian’ – it was none other than Charlie Williams.’ There are further familiar names in Dateline 3, a round up of the third division, with Alan Buckley missing a penalty for Walsall and Gary Megson getting set off for Sheffield Wednesday, and the stats pages bring forth an interesting fixture list for the reserves; Manchester United at home before the big trip to face Croesyceillog.
‘As we’ve seen against other sides in Doncaster’s position, these games are sometimes the hardest,’ said Addison in his notes. He was to be proved right, as Rovers triumphed on the day; 2-1. 31
GW
JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE PERHAPS UNSURPRISINGLY, IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE A LOT OF CLUBS JACK THE MINER DISLIKES ‘Well, I haven’t got much time for the Irish or the Welsh, and the Scots are worse than the Koreans... To tell you the truth I don’t like anybody much outside this town. And there’s a lot of families in our street I can’t stand either. Come to think of it, I don’t even like the people next door.’
My uncle played for them. So why wouldn’t I? And then, courtesy of the League Cup, the Owls came to town and so did their supporters. Like a plague of rats they came, spitting, snarling, swearing, climbing, throwing, punching... I swore they were spewing up through the cracks in the floorboards of the old Town End stand, before they tried to dismantle it using their bare hands.
Terry Collier - The Likely Lads (1976) The pen that drew the character of Terry Collier sketched him out as world weary, distrusting and cynical. He was a curmudgeon from day one. He was given a short cut.
Once upon a time Yeovil were a nonleague club with a great history. I liked their sloping pitch. I liked their green and white. I liked Yeovil; I don’t now. I didn’t have a problem with Norwich City, until I was pelted with coins from the Canary faithful. These days I refuse to watch Delia Smith on TV and I won’t allow Colman’s mustard in the house.
On the other hand, I arrived in a similar mental state thanks to the long, painful journey of a football supporter. To misquote Terry, I don’t like anybody much outside Doncaster Rovers. I once worked for a company whose Chairman’s ethos was ‘If you’re not for us, then you must be against us’. Suppliers who had the temerity to say no, local authority officials who said yes to our competitors; ex-clients and exemployees were the devil’s work. They had to be destroyed at all costs. I hated that attitude and I still do, despite the fact it’s the way I often think about my beloved football team. It’s not my fault. Falling in love with your football team messes with your head.
One by one, teams I barely gave a thought to have been banished to the naughty step, and now I’ve chalked off any club that has given employment to Steve Cotterill, only one club remains on the list of teams that have yet to offend me. For the record, it’s Orient, but they can’t escape forever. One bent referee, one high tackle or one ninetythird minute fluke equaliser and we’re finished. Orient have sat alone for a couple of years since the day I finally sent Brentford to the sin bin.
It wasn’t always this way. As I kid I had a soft spot for Sheffield Wednesday. 26
I never had a problem with Brentford. They’ve never been rivals, never been a bogey team and their fans have never chucked bottles of urine in my general direction. However, on the final day of the League One season two years ago there was plenty of potential for Brentford to seriously hack me off and they didn’t disappoint, thanks to The Bees’ reserve team goalkeeper Richard Lee.
‘Inevitably when it did break down it was punted forward aimlessly to the cheers of the Donny fans’... ‘Neil Sullivan utilised his experience to the full, using on average 42 seconds per goal kick and every dead ball outfield received a similar treatment. The failure to brandish a yellow card meant that this tactic was exploited superbly by Doncaster. Prehistoric in their approach.’
Few will remember the football exploits of Richard Lee, because there were painfully few. He was famous only for collecting splinters on the bench, eventually scraping together around 150 appearances in 14 seasons as a professional before retiring recently at his final club Watford, where he was fourth choice ‘keeper. He was last seen making an appearance on Come Dine With Me. Enough said.
When I read his piece I was reminded of the Nelson Mandela quotation; ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.’ Lee’s sour grapes was entitled, How Doncaster’s pre-historic hoofers beat my Brentford. Oh dear. I hope he gets over it. I have. His poison didn’t kill me. I’m taking Brentford off the black list, a few others too. Life is too short to carry on with these petty spats.
As if his patronising pre-match TV preview wasn’t bad enough, Lee later treated the nation to an embittered Daily Mail online match report. Amongst his many anti-Rovers gems were...
Peterborough, Carlisle, Hartlepool, Bradford City, Walsall and countless others welcome back. Let me introduce you to my friends from Orient. You will get along very well and don’t worry about Rotherham, Scunthorpe, Sheffield Wednesday or Stevenage. They are still barred.
‘Wimbledonesque style of play at times this term, with little thought given to skill level’...
JTM
THIS ISSUE STEVE IS... The size of a small city... run citizens of Rotherham, save yourselves! 27
MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA IT’S SHOW-AND-TELL TIME AGAIN, HERE’S LEE CROFT WITH HIS FAVOURITE BIT OF ROVERS MEMORABILIA As odd as it sounds, my favourite piece of Rovers history is a signed 2008-09 away shirt that hangs on the wall in a not so impressive frame. The shirt bears the number 24 and once belonged to Gordon Greer, whose appearances for Rovers number exactly half of his squad number. This shirt is from appearance number 12.
Two years on and Rovers faced Greer’s new side Brighton on the opening day of the 2011-12. This was my chance to get the shirt signed, and I’ve probably never been as excited as I was at 6am that day, setting off to get the Supporters’ coach to Brighton. Alas, some selfish lorry driver decided to plough through the M25 central reservation, and the resultant delays meant I arrived at the Amex Stadium just 15 minutes before kick-off. The shirt-signing would have to wait until the return fixture in March 2012.
My obsession with Greer is a strange one. In his first few appearances in 2007-08 he looked a solid centre-back and I think it’s that which appealed to me. Unfortunately, after just 11 appearances, a nasty injury in training put him out from November 2007 to January 2009. When we conceded during that time, I’d often tell anyone who’d listen how it would never have happened if ‘our Gordon’ was on the pitch. The game against Wolves on 3 May 2009 will be remembered by those in attendance for different reasons. For Sean O’Driscoll it will be remembered as the day he stood in the opposition dugout of his boyhood club, seeing them crowned champions. For me it was the last time I saw Gordon Greer play in a Doncaster Rovers shirt, and it is that very shirt which hangs on my wall. Unimpressively, I bought the shirt in the club shop – however the real story, was the journey to get ‘Our Gordon’ to sign it.
And so, on 3 March 2012 - a day before my 20th Birthday - I arrived at the Keepmoat, shirt and marker safely in my rucksack, determined to end the three year wait to get my shirt signed. Up pulled the away team bus and third off the coach was Greer. I shouted him over and offered him my shirt and marker. Confused he looked up at me and mumbled ‘Sorry, only Brighton fans’. They say never meet your heroes. I duly rambled on about how this was the last shirt he wore on his last appearance at the club and how I’d waited for so long to get him to sign it. Begrudgingly he accepted, scrawled his signature across the shirt and plodded into the West Stand reception. I’d like to think he signed it as he understood the sentiment behind it, recognised the good will, perhaps he even did it out of sympathy. In hindsight, the more plausible scenario is he did it to get me to shut up.
LC
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LAWS OF THE GAME SCHOOL YARD EDITION 2015-16
LAW 7 - DURATION OF THE MATCH PERIODS OF PLAY The length of the match is determined by the maximum length of playtime, break-time or lunchtime, as directed by the school’s daily timetable. Matches which take place out of school hours will be played of generally indeterminable length and may only be brought to a close by one of the following four scenarios. 1. It gets dark. 2. The ball is lost in a neighbouring garden, work yard or railway embankment and cannot be retrieved, or has had a knife put through it by a particularly irate neighbour. 3. Your tea is ready. 4.The ball is taken home by its owner due to: - His or her tea being ready - A particularly contentious decision over whether a ball had gone over the post or post-and-in. - His or her team ‘getting dicked on’ (i.e. losing by a significantly large margin)
HALF-TIME INTERVAL Matches ordinarily take place without a half-time interval. Exceptions to this rule are permitted only in the following instances. 1. When one team is losing heavily or loses a number of their players
due to that day’s lunch-sitting schedule - and teams need to be reselected. 2. When pitch conditions offer one side a slight advantage, such as a pitch with a 1:1 gradiant from goal to goal, or a pitch featuring a massive puddle in one goal-mouth.
ALLOWANCE FOR TIME LOST Matches played in school time will give no allowance for time lost through lost ball or dispute over whether a shot went in or not. Matches played outside of school time may play additional time of ‘next goal winner’ beyond the initial declaration of ‘tea’s ready’ to the ball’s owner. However, if no goal is scored before the point at which the boy or girl’s mother yells. ‘I won’t tell you again’, or ‘The dog will have it if you don’t’, play must end and the score at the end of regulation time stands.
ABANDONED MATCH Matches abandoned due to onset of rain and a implication of ‘wet break time’ by staff, will be completed at the next playable break regardless of score or availability of personnel. This however is dependent on how close the game was at the time of abandonment, and what the biggest boy thinks is right. 29
GW
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE JAMES McMAHON CASTS HIS EYE OVER FALL AND FALL OF MICHAEL McINDOE The latter is cited using more open ended terminology; ‘a fortune’. Scotland Yard suggest that the total sum lost by investors is in excess of £30million. Other names reported to have lost large sums include Gabby Agbonlahor, Leon Best and McIndoe’s former Wolves teammate Sylvan EbanksBlake.
Few Doncaster players have entertained me quite like Michael McIndoe. Speedy and skillful, that he ran a little bit like Bambi on ice only added to the spectacle. The fact he upset Yeovil - who I’ve never really forgiven for putting four past us in 2003, live on Sky - by leaving them for us shortly afterwards, also did a lot to endear him to me as one of my favourite ever Rovers. Right now, I may well be one of only a handful of people to think fondly of Michael McIndoe. Declared bankrupt last October with disclosed debts of £3million, reports of McIndoe’s involvement in an investment con implicating a host of household footballing names have been rife for years. Recently it was suggested by the Daily Mail that the scam may have been a Ponzi scheme. Named after Charles, an Italian businessman and con man of the early 1920s, such schemes promise large percentages of returns on investment, yet what they actually receive is not money from investments, but cash paid by later subscribers. The phrase ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’ is apt. In this case, perhaps robbing Jimmy (Bullard) to pay Robbie (Keane) is a more fitting description. The Mirror reported this year that the former lost £650,000 on the scheme.
Former Walsall winger Dave McDermott lost £140,000 to McIndoe, after being wooed by his former teammate in Marbella. ‘It was basically a showcase,’ McDermott told ITV. ‘He took us out there but he was basically grooming us to spread the word’. McIndoe reportedly spent £20,000 a day on entertaining. McDermott suspects the plan was that he and others like him would return to the UK and report how successful McIndoe’s scheme appeared to be. The scam collapsed in 2012, although just a year ago McIndoe was a new private members club he was an investor in - Stamp, on Oxford Street in London - would allow him to repay investors. The club closed shortly after opening. Earlier this year the Daily Record reported that thirty glamour models booked to attend the club were duped out of £12,000 when the club went bust. Mode model agency boss Gavin Erlam says he was ‘threatened’ by McIndoe when he pursued the payment.
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It’s worth noting that Stamp is far from the only one of McIndoe’s many failed businesses. One firm, Lafayette Restaurants was reported to have accumulated losses of £231,227 on 31 December, 2012. Another, Huxley London Concierge, reported a loss of £37,620. McIndoe was the sole director and shareholder.
Most were accumulators, the largest loss being £15,000 on Inter to beat Bari and Crawley to beat Kettering on 3 Feburary 2011. Crawley and Kettering drew. Now 35 and with no income, McIndoe recently told a hearing in London that he was surviving on the generosity of ‘good friends and family’. ‘Since the bankruptcy,’ he said, ‘my girlfriend gave me some cash in July. I have received some money from friends, around £9,000, and some money from NatWest for overcharging me on an account.’ The Mail reports McIndoe is living with his mother in Edinburgh.
Unless you’re a stupid/greedy/naive footballer, none-of-this should worry you all that much, yet the Mail also allege that a current League Two player has informed police that McIndoe asked him to fix elements of matches as the investment scheme fell apart. ‘He tried to get me to throw matches,’ claims the unnamed player. ‘He said he’d give me £10,000 to get sent off. I wasn’t interested.’ The police are yet to open a line of enquiry, though links to huge amounts of money placed on the results of boxing, horseracing and The X Factor are being investigated, spearheaded by Falcon Unit, part of the Crime and Operations team who specialize in fraud.
The Scotsman came to fourth tier Rovers in 2003 having battled alcoholism in the early days of his career at Luton Town before turning to Paul Merson for support and seemingly turning his life around as a consequence. It’s unlikely he is to find similar support from the football community now. I am not an uncaring person. And knowing that Michael McIndoe hasn’t legged it with £1millon pounds of my savings, unquestionably helps me to not be uncaring towards him. So I will always think of Michael McIndoe as the man racing away from yellow shirts of Arsenal on that night at Belle Vue as, for the first of two times that evening, my team Doncaster Rovers were beating the best football team in the country.
Upon retirement in 2011, it appears the former Rover disappeared down the rabbit hole of excess, and maybe, desperation. Earlier this year, the Mirror reported that bookmakers William Hill had handed investigators details of his betting account. It makes for horrifying reading. Regular payments of £2,000 are reported to have been made into the account, including seven over a period of eight days in February 2011.
If only we could freeze moments.
Bets were placed on football matches in the UK, Turkey, Australia and Peru, on a daily basis, 561 online in fact, within a period of 18 months, from 28 November to 5 May 2012.
If only we could not fall.
JM 31
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE IS THERE ROOM FOR SENTIMENT IN FOOTBALL? EDITOR GLEN WILSON CERTAINLY THINKS SO For Noah, the sign of the end of his blissful life on the waves was a dove bearing an olive leaf, for me it is always an email bearing questions for a season preview. The joys of disposable income and free time have abated from the earth; football has emerged from the depths again.
The thing that’s always struck me about the story of Noah, is the unqualified assumption that he is in anyway unhappy on the Ark. Ultimately he is on the very first Mediterranean cruise and, ok, he wouldn’t have been able to stop off and go wine-tasting in Calabria, posing with the weary vineyard owner for pictures taken on the bloody great iPad of Rod and Barbara from Wisconsin, and sure the collective screeches and barks of thousands of animals would’ve soon grated, but it still would’ve offered Noah a welcome break from building the bloody great boat in the first place. He can sit back, put is feet up, and enjoy the calming waves. But he barely gets chance poor bugger. No, before he can even pause to ask, ‘what about the fish?’ the water has receded, the animals are off fornicating, and he’s left mucking out three hundred tons of assorted animal shit in a desperate effort to get some of his investment back by converting the Ark into luxury apartments.
As a fanzine editor I get a lot of season preview questions sent to me. ‘We’re keen to get the fans’ perspective’ they tend to lead with, the irony of the same fan answering them for five different publications seemingly lost. Some I’m happy to do, whilst others I’ve given up on due to heavy editing processes which strip out all context to leave you looking like you’re endorsing strike-breaking miners (hello, FourFourTwo). And then occasionally, I get sent obscure ones, with very bizarre questioning, such as this…
James Coppinger is clearly a Doncaster legend, having been at the club since 2004, but some people feel it is time for the team to move on from him. What are your views?
I mention this because I face football’s close season in a similar way. In May I survive the onset of the end by sealing myself off from football before it becomes submerged beneath forty days and forty nights of transfer rumours and IDK twitter accounts. I love football don’t get me wrong, but only because I get to have a two month long break from it every summer.
..it all starts solidly enough; inarguable statement followed by a solid fact. But then the question veers wildly and dangerously away as if being test-driven by Richard Hammond. Does anyone actually feel it is time for the team to move on from James Coppinger? 32
If you Google the exact phrase ‘there is no room for sentiment in foootball’ there are 7,660 results. In layman’s terms that’s 7,660 known instances of people confessing to being dead inside. It’s a heartbreaking list of search results, the consistent theme of which is the sort of people that tut at train delays due to a death on the line, attempting to usher loyal servants and long-time employees out the door. Arsene Wenger, Steven Gerrard, Leon Britton… it was fun, but out you go.
Who are these ‘people’, as the questioner has very generously labelled them? Seriously, who thinks that? We need to know this, so we can run these people out of town. And if they ask what we’re doing, we shall say, sorry, but it is time for the town to move on from you. I suspect these people are fictitious. Indeed I suggested that to the questioner, but oddly I’ve heard no more from them since I did (…he sent forth the dove, and she did not return to him again). Rather than the words of actual people, I think the question instead takes cue from a phrase continuing to creep ever further into the game’s press; ‘There is no room for sentiment in football.’ And this I take issue with, because I believe there is enough room for an American dentist to swing an endangered cat of sentiment in football, and moreover without the sentiment we’d have nothing. We’d just be left watching two groups of anthropomorphic billboards for offshore gambling firms wandering around a vacuous green space. And if we wanted that we could just go and sit in Paddy Power’s head office.
Personally, more often than not, I find that sentiment is the only thing actually keeping me and football together. So much of what it is now I can’t relate to, and nor do I want to, but I’m still too fond of it and the emotions and memories it stirs to detach myself. Football needs sentiment. It needs us to have favourite players and cult heros, and place them on implausibly unrealistic pedestals because that’s what we’ve always done. So I hope the team never moves on from James Coppinger and I hope Coppinger never moves on from the team. Us and him, him and us, for eternity. How old was Stanley Matthews when he played for Stoke? 50 years old? There, that’s a realistic target. Just sixteen more seasons to go. And then he can go for John Ryan’s record, and then by 2033 medical science would have reached a point at which we can probably preserve him forever and he can play on as some kind of Robo-cop like footballer. RoboCopps. It’s meant to be. And those are my views. And… sorry, what? … what do you mean you can’t fit all that in your preview?
Tellingly this line derives from the adage ‘there is no room for sentiment in business’. Now this I endorse, primarily because I’m not in business, and so it has no impact on my oldfashioned romanticism. People in business can, for all I care, be as unsentimental to one another as they like whilst they blue-sky think their way to holistic approaches that aim to incentivise and give leverage to blah blah fucking blah. Any room these folk once had for sentiment has long had ‘agency drinks at Be At One’ pencilled in its place anyway.
GW
33
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND ROVERS WERE MORE SUCCESSFUL AWAY FROM HOME LAST SEASON - DUTCH UNCLE LOOKS AT HOW RARE THIS IS I noted in issue 76 of the fanzine, Rovers ended 2014-15 with a negative home league record (more home matches lost than won) and a positive league away record (more away matches won than lost). This is the first time this has happened in Rovers’ 88 seasons in the Football League and Conference. That said, in Rovers championship winning season of 2012-13, they had a truly outstanding away record of 15 wins, four losses and four draws, but this was combined with a home record of 10 wins, five draws and eight losses. As noted at the time, this is actually the worst home record of any Football League divisional champion since the League started in 1888. Only Everton’s title-winning side of 1914-15 run it close with eight wins, five draws and six defeats from their 19 home games. On a points-per-game comparison, Everton’s record scores at 1.105 compared with Rovers 1.087 at two points for a win, or at 3 points a win Everton have 1.526 against Rovers’ 1.522. Of course it could be said that Everton had the minor distraction of World War I running in parallel to their season.
This prompted a question; are Rovers going through a phase of development due to their last two managers which prompts greater success away from home; or are Rovers’ performances simply in line with a Football League wide trend? Of course Rovers away successes of 2012-13 and 2014-15 were not at all echoed in 2013-14 when the club famously went a whole season without a win outside Yorkshire. Rovers hadn’t done that since 1904-05 when our away form brought seventeen defeats from seventeen games. Seasons 2012-13 and 2014-15 were not the only occasions Rovers have enjoyed a better record away than at home - there have been four other occurrences. Two of these were the championship winning seasons of 1946-77 (15 wins, five draws and one defeat at home; eighteen wins, one draw and two defeats away) and 194950 (nine wins, nine draws and three defeats at home; 10 wins, eight draws and three defeats away). The other two seasons were spent successfully fighting relegation; in 1992-93 (six wins, five draws and ten defeats at home; five wins, nine draws and seven defeats away) and 1999-00 (seven wins, five draws and nine defeats at home; eight wins, four draws and nine defeats away). This does then leave 2014-15 as the first time Rovers had recorded this feat in mid-table. 34
Looking Football League wide, the occurrence of a mid-table side having a negative home record combined with a positive away one is a very recent trend. I trawled the tables back to the 1958-59 season - the first season with a fourth tier rather than two regionalised third tier divisions. Across these 57 seasons, the 228 league tables provide just 24 examples of a team ending with a negative home and positive away record, and the first instance was not until 1981-82; third tier Brentford.
If we chart the percentage of points won by home teams since 1958 we can see a pretty steady pattern, on a downward trend from 66% in 195859 to 56% last season. The average difference in goals scored by home teams over away teams also decreases pretty steadily over the same period from nearly 0.8 goals per game in 1958-59 to less than 0.3 goals per game in 2014-15. My own opinion is that up until the World Cup of 1966 much of football was played with variations of the attacking W-M or 5-3-2 formations, often with two fullbacks, a centre-half and two wing-halves, and a five-man forward line of a centre-forward, two inside forwards and two wingers. That, or the equally attacking 4-24 system favoured by countries like Brazil and Hungary. This led to open matches with more goals, generally favouring home teams.
They were followed by Wimbledon (in the top flight in 1989-90), Darlington (in 1992-93) and Walsall and Norwich City (both in 1993-94). From then on no team achieved this feat again until 2006-07 when fourth tier Notts County did so. This however marks something of a turning point, with the frequency changes instances in each of the last seven seasons from 2008-09; culminating in five teams last season – Crystal Palace, Sheffield Wednesday, Bradford City, Morecambe and of course, Rovers.
Following the introduction of more defensive formations like 4-4-2, 4-33, 4-4-1-1 and more recently 4-5-1, defences have been better organised and that has allowed away teams to negate home teams far more. This is also coupled with better skills on the break which has enabled defensive performances to result more often in away wins rather than draws.
It would seem then that this phenomenon of a mid-table team enjoying away form more successful than their home record is increasingly prevalent and Rovers’ fortunes fit this overall trend. That a club’s style of play is perhaps not a factor would be backed up by the fact that these 24 occurrences have been notched by twenty-two different sides, with only Palace and Morecambe appearing twice.
Research does something to back this theory up, showing an overall decrease in goals per game scored, from nearly 3.5 in 1960 to just above 2.5 in recent seasons. Rovers overall form in the same time period also, aside from the odd extreme, largely follows Football League patterns. 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 34 AND 35 As a further factor, it is easier and more financially achievable for lower level clubs to improve their defensive capabilities. This has enabled lower level away teams to negate the attacking play of home sides. However, the greater financial power of higher level teams, particularly after the formation of the Premier League, has allowed them to purchase better creative attacking players, so the negation of home teams has been less pronounced. The data backs this up with the steepness of the decline in tier four sides’ home success being much greater than the steepness of the top tier’s decline.
I feel I can add two other points on the findings of this research; firstly, the much heralded introduction of three points for a win in 1981-82 can be seen to have led to a definite short term increase in goals scored per game, and consequent increased advantage to the home team. However, this effect was short lived and lasted for only about five seasons. Secondly the advent of the Premier League in 199293 - and the subsequent exaggerated difference in funding for the top tier versus the fourth tier – did have an effect on the home advantage of teams in those respective divisions. It just took several years before it began to manifest itself as a pronounced and prolonged difference.
To further support this suggestion of a faster and greater increase of improvement in away success at lower levels; of the 24 instances of negative home records combined with positive away records which I found, only three were in the top level (Wimbledon 199091, Norwich City 2006-07, Crystal Palace 2014-15). Of the rest five were at tier two, seven in the third tier, and nine in the fourth tier.
Caveat - no figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all The Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/or Barry Watson.
BW
OVERHEARD AT THE FOOTBALL HEARD SOMETHING DAFT AT THE FOOTBALL? HERE’S WHERE WE SHARE IT WITH THE CLASS
At Rossington Main last season... Committeeman; ‘Today’s referee is Polish’ Barmaid: ‘Oh, where’s he from?’ Committeman: ‘Er... Poland’
At a Peterborough United home game... An opposing player was down injured; there was a bit of a hush round the ground when the ref went to check if he was ok. Just then, a slightly deranged female voice yelled above the hush; ‘Piss on him!’ @fergie84
@TonyCSGreenall 36
WRITE FOR POPULAR STAND YOU’VE READ THE FANZINE, YOU’VE LEFT IT UNDER YOUR SEAT, NOW WRITE FOR IT. Back in 1998 popular STAND was formed to give Doncaster Rovers fans a free and independent platform on which you could speak out. We’ve proudly stuck by this ethos ever since and so we welcome contributions, articles, suggestions and feedback, and will consider all for publication.
PERSONAL PROGRAMMING
A new print feature in which fans write about significant Rovers programmes, whether they be from matches important to Rovers or games which coincide with important dates in your own life. These articles should be 350-400 words with an accompanying image of the programme.
To try and encourage more people to write for the fanzine we have established several regular features, for which we welcome your input. Hopefully one of these listed here will give you the inspiration to put fingers to keyboard for us...
HOOP DREAMS
A feature we’ve always tried to get off the ground, but haven’t yet quite managed to make fly. We want supporters to tell us about any Roversrelated dreams they may have had. These articles should be 400-470 words in length.
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME
Can you remember the first time you attended a Rovers match? If so we’d love you to tell us about it; we’ve already had contributions ranging from 1958 to 2014 and always welcome more for this regular print feature. These articles should be 400-470 words in length.
250 WORD MATCH REPORTS
Self explanatory really, since the start of the 2014-15 season we have sought to concisely cover each and every Rovers match for those unable to attend. These reports appear on our website and we welcome new writers to have a bash, but do please contact us in advance of any Rovers games you wish to cover (so we can avoid duplication).
MEMORABLE MEMORABILIA
Another regular feature of these pages in which we invote supporters to write about their favourite pieces of Rovers memorabilia. From scarves to stickers to shirts, whatever you hold dear, we want you to tell us about it. These articles should be 350-400 words in length, ideally with an accompanying image of the item featured.
If you wish to try your hand at any of these features, or indeed wish to write or even draw on something else entirely, then do please get in touch as soon as possible via email: popularstand@outlook.com
GW 37
REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE YOU’VE TRIED THE REST, NOW WISH YOU’D TRIED THEM ALL A SECOND TIME; YES, IT’S REG IPSA FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH
SHORTS SHRIFT
Dear Reg, I’m in a bit of trouble. I got a bit sozzled on holiday and after a long walk up one of their iconic hills I decided to take all my clothes off and dance naked in the fountain. The locals have put me in the nick, conditions are terrible and I don’t understand their language. Apparently they worry I’ve upset the gods and will cause typhoons and stuff like that. Could I be in for a long stretch? It’s my first time in Mablethorpe and I didn’t know they were so funny about that sort of thing. Phil Dangle, c/o Mablethorpe Cells
Dear Reg, With this glorious summer we’ve been having, I’ve taken to wearing my favourite 1986 Rovers football shorts. They have loosened a bit over the years and cut a long story short I’ve been nicked for indecent exposure. Seems I let the twins hang out with me when I was in the beer garden at my local. My case comes up next week. Will I get off? Harry Balls, Stainforth
REG RESPONDS They can be funny them Lincolnshire lot, but my mate Special Brew Steve reckons £100 should get yo out. And Phil, I’ve seen the CCTV of your act. It might be an idea to have a trim down there - thought you were sat on Brian Blessed’s shoulders
REG RESPONDS I hear you Harry lad., I’m a bit lax about doing my flies up. Luckily a suntanned ballbag is in fashion this season, or Arnold Schwarzenegger has got a new film out, to be honest I only glanced at that copy of Heat magazine - could be either. Anyway, I can get Whiplash Willie to do you a sick note suggesting you’ve a medical reason for airing the goods. See you at court. Wear trousers. 38
SAPPY BIRTHDAY Dear Reg, For my 50th birthday my missus got me a special Doncaster Rovers cake. Special is one term for it anyway. Problem was it was far too soft in the middle, and when it was left out on display for everyone to have a look at it, it didn’t even last ninety minutes before it went off and disappointed everyone. Can I sue the bakers? Des Gruntled, Conisborough
REG RESPONDS Des my old fella. Why would you sue? It did exactly what is was sold as. No claim there I’m afraid mush.
HB