EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen,
Idealistically I would’ve liked to have seen Dickov given more time, but in reality the timing of his departure was probably right; his position had become almost untenable. Many supporters had the knife out for the manager towards the end of last season, some much earlier than that. If he was ever to silence those critics Dickov needed a good start to this season, and when that didn’t happen the negativity only increased, and any disappointment duly jumped on and thrown back at him. He had reached the point of no-return with too many of our support, and that his departure came soon after the club had surveyed supporters on why they’d not renewed their season tickets perhaps speaks volumes.
So that’s that then. No longer will we glimpse his sharp suits through a press-room doorway. His furrowed brow, his immaculate hair. Fourth officials can breathe a sigh of relief. The Football League cameramen can readjust their tripods back to a normal height. Paul Dickov has left the building. To those outside the club, and the town, the timing of Dickov’s departure probably appeared harsh. The first manager to be shown the door this season; exiting stage right after just six league games of the current campaign. As I have preached in this publication in years gone past, I am all for giving managers reasonable time; if you’re constantly changing the man in the hot-seat you’ll only ever be fire-fighting rather than growing or developing a club.
Though the timing was right, I still saw Dickov’s dismissal as a shame. He always struck me as a decent man; someone who made time for the supporters, and often went out his way to connect with them.
CONTENTS: ISSUE 78 5 9 10 12 14 16 18 19 20 22
The Bernard Glover Diaries The Belles, The Belles Tiger Aspect Marshall Matters Remembering the First Time Numbers Up Conference Calls Follows the Rovers New Manager Top Trumps Jack’s Craic
24 26 28 29 30 32 34 37 38 39 3
Jack the Miner’s Coal Face The Bald Truth Owen It All to Gareth In Off the Post Bag Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind The Donny Comet Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle Hoop Dreams
Dickov really seemed to get what being manager of a club our size, in a town our size, was all about, and there aren’t too many people like that in football. Ultimately though it didn’t work out, and it probably was time to go. Hopefully he’ll find success somewhere else – he’s one of the good guys, he deserves it.
It’s almost enough to make you drive down the M62 barefoot, face smeared in Toblerone, Sinead O’Connor on the CD player, so that you can wrap yourself round Paul Dickov’s ankles screaming ‘come back Paul, won’t you come back, it was me, not you!’. But should we dismiss Steve Evans so readily, just because he’s a horrible human being? I’ve seen some very reasoned Rovers fans suggest that perhaps it could and should be he who Rovers look to; after all, he’s generally gotten results wherever he’s been. If a manager with a good track record is available, should we so readily dismiss him?
With that in mind, I found it hard to comprehend some of the reactive joy that greeted the announcement of his departure. ‘Good riddance’, ‘Let’s have a party’, ‘F*** off Dickov!’ Though he may not have had the success we would have all hoped, does that really mean that a man losing his job should be celebrated?
Among those who have argued the case for Evans the following phrase tends to make recurring appearances; ‘football is a results business after all’. I can’t agree. Football is only a results business if you choose to view it as a business in the first place. I don’t. I still see football as a past-time, as a hobby, as a sport. I can get wrapped up in it sure – indeed, you’ve all heard me losing my voice at Brentford – but I can’t suspend all that I know and value outside of the game in order to follow it.
When it comes to football, this sort of reaction is sadly par for the course across social media, where too many seem to thrive on typing all the things they would never dare say to someone’s face. Revelling in being outlandish and obnoxious, because you know, it’s just banter. I’ve seen folk tweet in celebration of the number of famous people who’ve blocked them as if that was a high mark of their own personal worth, rather than the actuality, which is of course, that they themselves are a knob. Just last Saturday Gary Lineker tweeted to say he wouldn’t be on Match of the Day that week as his mother was very ill. Peoples’ response? To reply ‘U shat on your mum’. Nice. Surely we as a species are better than that.
Others, it would seem, can. They can taunt and swear at a man who has just lost his job. They can mock a man whose mother is ill. They can overlook a man’s lack of moral fibre if it means we’ll scrape a home win over Crewe. I’m afraid I can’t. Football is just a game, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aspire to play it honourably.
On the subject of dregs of humanity, as I write this piece Steve Evans has rolled out of Rotherham United and is being touted as a possible successor to Dickov.
Viva Rovers! 4
GW
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES MISSED THE LAST TWO MONTHS? SADLY WE WEREN’T SO LUCKY, HERE’S A RECAP. SATURDAY 8 AUGUST ROVERS 1-1 BURY
THURSDAY 13 AUGUST ROVERS 1-1 LEEDS UNITED
There’s something gloriously Rovers about trying unsuccessfully to score for 90 minutes, before finding the net the one time you don’t intend to. That Harry Forrester had to spend so long protesting his innocence after his punt back to Chris Walton sailed over the ‘keeper’s head, belied Rovers ineffectuality in the to that point.
It looked like it was going to be one of those nights - another home defeat to that lot up the road, supported by that lot from down your road - when Lewis Cook put Leeds ahead after fifteen minutes. However, fortunes swung the other way when Cedric Evina was flattened in the area and Andy Williams levelled from the spot.
Leon Clarke would’ve certainly been grateful of the freedom to walk in the unopposed equaliser which followed given up to then he’d done everything but score. Clarke twice rattled the woodwork and had also been prevented opening the scoring by a couple of excellent Thorsten Stuckmann saves.
Before half-time Cook was dismissed for a two-footed lunge near the corner flag, and Rovers then duly spent the best part of eighty minutes making hard work of finishing off the job. James Coppinger, and Nathan Tyson spurned the better of the chances as Leeds held out for a penalty shoot-out.
Bury enjoyed the better of the game’s chances as Rovers too easily succumbed to their pace on the break. Yet, aside from Clarke’s stroll over the line, the Shakers only found a way past Stuckmann once, and on that occasion the acrobatics of Andy Butler on the line – sprawling to toe a shot onto the post – kept it goalless.
They may has well have not bothered, scoring just two out of their four kicks, with Chris Wood planting his penalty in the car-park… of the Premier Inn. It left Richie Wellens with a relatively pressure-free kick to put Rovers through into the next round.
Rovers could count themselves unlucky not to have a penalty when Nathan Tyson tumbled in chase of a long ball, but truth be told they struggled to get going. By no means terrible, but performing as if the new season had begun three weeks too soon for them; too often short of fluidity and purpose and left punting balls in the vague direction of the invisible Curtis Main.
SUNDAY 16 AUGUST WIGAN ATHLETIC 0-0 ROVERS The hangover from being on the telly on a Thursday night is that you’re subsequent weekend gets knocked all out of cock. On the Lord’s day, of all days, Rovers went to Wigan and managed a credible draw against a Wigan side expected to be challenging for promotion. 5
SATURDAY 22 AUGUST PORT VALE 3-0 ROVERS
Only the excellence of Wigan ‘keeper Richard O’Donnell kept Rovers at bay in the first half, as he brilliantly denied Andy Williams and Harry Forrester. In the second half though, aside from a looping Gary MacKenzie header, Rovers didn’t really threaten in what was a somewhat classic away performance; solid through the middle, frustrating the opposition and possessing enough quality going forward to trouble the home defence regularly. Unfortunately they just forgot to score. Sound familiar?
There’s an unwritten footbsll law that former players will inevitably score against you; and the probability of this happening is increased significantly if they were particularly awful in their stint at your club. Exhibit A; Uche Ikpeazu, in years to come he’ll be the frustrating missing name in a Rovers line-up you can’t quite recall, yet today he was chief tormentor of Rovers backline throughout this game, and scorer of Vale’s second goal. Had it not been for Stuckmann who saved an early penalty and made a string of further, excellent first-half saves, Vale could have been out of sight by half-time. As it was they had just a Sam Foley goal at the break, but added two more afterwards to wrap up as comfortable a win as they could’ve hoped for. Rovers were awful. Booed off and rightly so. Still, we’ve the Cup to look forward to on Tuesday.
WEDNESDAY 19 AUGUST ROVERS 0-0 SOUTHEND UNITED The glorious nostalgia relating to this fixture prompted our correspondent Lazarus to splurge a quid on another Coppinger hat-trick at 100-1. As he duly lamented in his match report; ‘this kind of optimism is why bookmakers drive expensive cars’. Similar optimism would point out that Rovers remain unbeaten, but to get there you’d need to ignore woefully apparent lack of midfield creativity that was evident throughout this fixture.
TUESDAY 25 AUGUST ROVERS 1-4 IPSWICH TOWN Bugger. That said the result here, against an Ipswich side who’ve set the pace in the Championship, belies what was, for most of the night, a decent fist of things. Indeed, Rovers took the lead midway through the first half; Williams scoring a goal that was meant and wasn’t a penalty and everything.
Forrester had a cross cleared off the line in the second-half, Williams caused the defence a few problems, yet Rovers were far too easily caught in possession in midfield, and but for excellent performances from centre halves Andy Butler and Gary McKenzie, and more game-saving acrobatics from manof-the-match Thorsten Stuckmann, Southend could have easily snatched a winner on the break more than once. Ultimately this became an inevitable slow march to another goalless draw, with Williams left chasing long balls and lamenting poorly executed setpieces. 6
Ipswich levelled on the hour mark through Brett Pitman, and from then on Rovers were doing little more than valiantly hanging on. They made it to extra-time, but that’s where the visitors’ quality duly shone as they ran in three further goals through David McGoldrick, James Alabi and Ryan Fraser to knock Rovers out. Still, it’s not like we’d have drawn anyone big in the next… oh.
statement. It goes on ‘The Board are ambitious for a top six finish and that is, and will remain our aim.’ Rob Jones takes charge of the team on an interim basis, whilst the club begin the process of recruiting a successor.
SATURDAY 29 AUGUST ROVERS 2-0 FLEETWOOD TOWN Ahead of this game Rovers put out a tweet labelling it ‘the YouTube derby’ in what could well be the most desperate bit of marketing ever seen. But then, there’s always next month. If you’d missed the first half of this - or can just suspend disbelief long enough to pretend such an occurrence is possible - then you might’ve been forgiven for feeling a sense of déjà vu, and expecting another sub half-minute highlights package.
SATURDAY 12 SEPTEMBER WALSALL 2-0 ROVERS He’s Rob Jones. Always believe in Rob Jones. And for most of this game it looked like we had cause to. Rovers were the brighter of the two sides in the first half; Coppinger, Main and Taylor-Sinclair all going close to finding a way past Neil Etheridge.
Thankfully, by that point Rovers were already 2-0 ahead. Coppinger had flicked in an Aaaron Taylor-Sinclair free-kick on 17 minutes to open the scoring with Curtis Main – yes, Curtis Main – finding the net from Williams pull-back to double the advantage. That was as good as it got, but it was enough to mercifully furnish us with a much needed first win.
Walsall inevitably came into it more in the second half, but it wasn’t until five minutes from time that they took the lead; Mitchell Lund getting caught in multiple minds to allow Walsall to pounce through Tom Bradshaw. TaylorSinclair came close to an equaliser, but despite the best efforts of Jones’ charges the only other goal of the game went the way of Walsall and Bradshaw once again.
TUESDAY 1 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 0-0 BURTON ALBION Yep, goalless again, but a result achieved with a relatively young Rovers side gives an element of positivity. The match was eventually decided on penalties with Rovers triumphing 5-3 thanks to a crucial save from sub ‘keeper Marko Marosi.
FRIDAY 18 SEPTEMBER Rovers remain in no rush to appoint a permanent successor to the departed Dickov; keen to get the right person for the job rather than rush an appointment, and have even shown supporters the criteria they are looking to fill, having advertised the position on the club website. The points include, among other things ‘a commitment to the local community’ and a ‘pleasing and willing personality’, ‘GSOH’, ‘must have own car’. Though I may’ve made some of those up. The deadline for applications is Friday 25 September, so the club will probably unveil the new boss on 2 October, rendering at least fifty percent of this issue irrelevant. Again.
SATURDAY 5 SEPTEMBER GILLINGHAM 1-0 ROVERS Awful, just awful.
TUESDAY 8 SEPTEMBER Looks like we won’t be needing those photoshopped images of Paul Dickov as a fifth member of Kraftwerk after all. Paul Dickov’s time as Rovers manager comes to an end ‘based on performance to date’ reads the official club 7
SATURDAY 19 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 1-1 OLDHAM ATHLETIC
SATURDAY 26 SEPTEMBER SHEFFIELD UNITED 3-1 ROVERS
Rob Jones’ first home game in charge brought an air of optimism to the Keepmoat, and an early shoulder to the face of Williams. His departure with a broken nose opened up the floor to Danny N’Guessen, and his determinism to go forwards proved a definite bright spot in an encouraging if not ultimately rewarding Rovers performance.
All hope of Rovers getting anything from Bramall Lane evaporated five minutes before the break when MacKenzie was sent off for a highboot in the Sheffield United box, or more specifically in the box of Craig Alcock – who was left more Halfcock by the centre-back’s challenge. It seemed a harsh decision, but with Rovers already trailing 2-1 it left them with a mountain to climb.
Andy Butler headed in the opening goal, although it was soon cancelled out by Jonathan Burn despite Coppinger’s best efforts to head off the line. The assistant referee was convinced it had gone in, even if the home crowd was not. New signing Cameron Stewart saw his free-kick brilliantly tipped onto the post as Rovers pressed and pressed for a winner, but it ultimately proved elusive.
Chris Basham had given United the lead after quarter of an hour turning in a right-wing cross, but Rovers had cancelled out the lead through a brilliant Stewart free-kick. However, another right-wing cross saw United convert another close-range goal, this time through Connor Salmon to reestablish the lead. With ten minutes to go the old Coppinger and Billy Sharp combination reunited to wrap up the result, unfortunately it was the former’s short back-pass pounced on by the latter to make it 3-1.
FRIDAY 25 SEPTE,BER ‘Still getting over the fact my beloved Donny Rovers sacked Paul Dickov! Silly silly decision! Unfair to judge him with poor budget given!’
TUESDAY 29 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 2-2 SWINDON TOWN
Louis Tomlinson there with his finger on the pulse, tweeting his disappointment at Dickov’s departure two weeks after he’d gone. Given that Tomlinson and Dickov evidently got on, you can understand his disappointment, but looking at the players Rovers have brought in for this season the budget comments would seem unfounded – unless he’s comparing it to the budget for a One Direction tour. One of Tomlinson’s fans offered a practical solution in reply; ‘just buy the team and rehire him’, whilst others were more cryptic ‘follow me baby hedgehog’. Prickly new manager anyone?
Rovers managed to maintain their unbeaten home record with a 2-2 draw with Swindon. Rob Jones started himself in the back-line but lasted only thirty-five minutes before succumbing to injury in a drab first half. The second half was made more lively when Nicky Ajose put Town ahead, however Rovers rallied with the introduction of N’Guessen. Keshi Anderson, signed ahead of the weekend levelled things up, before Williams put Rovers ahead with ten minutes to go. Sadly, the patched up home defence couldn’t hang on as Jonathan Obika levelled again in injury time. 8
GW
THE BELLES, THE BELLES THE FAWSL SEASON ISN’T OVER YET, BUT DONCASTER ROVERS BELLES ALREADY HAVE REASON TO CHEER 26 October 2014, The Hive stadium in north west London. As the Jubilee Line trains rattle past the back of the stands, out on the field the Doncaster Rovers Belles players and staff stand and wait. They have done all they can, and then some, running in nine goals against the London Bees. But their fate instead lies across the river, at The Den, where Millwall host Sunderland. When the news comes it isn’t good. Sunderland have triumphed 4-0, they will be promoted to FAWSL1, the Belles will have to do it all over again.
The two Belles goals that swung Sunday’s victory over the Bees came, somewhat inevitably, courtesy of striker Courtney Sweetman-Kirk, cementing her place as the top forward in the whole of the FAWSL. Sweetman-Kirk’s brace at The Hive took her tally to the season to twentysix goals, scored in just twenty-three games. A phenomenal record for a player fully deserving of a proper crack at the top flight. The Belles season is not yet over though, as attention now turns to the title race. Doncaster have two homes games to go; win them both and challengers Reading will need to win all three of their remaining matches – all away from home – in order to match the Belles’ points tally.
Fast forward eleven months. The same location, the same team, the same opponents, but a very different vibe. Again the Belles travelled to face London Bees looking to secure a promotion place, but this year it was all very much in their hands. The victory wasn’t as easy to come by – the Belles having to come from a goal behind to win 2-1 – but the outcome was still greeted joyously. That win confirmed what had long been on the cards; Doncaster Rovers Belles are promoted to FAWSL1.
That final Belles push starts today, as they host Oxford United following Rovers match with Barnsley, and ends in a fortnight with the visit of Millwall. Though Sweetman-Kirk’s goals may have grabbed the headlines, this season’s achievements have their roots in a strong team ethos. This is a side that has battled hard yet entertained as well.
Sadly, such is the modern world of women’s football, that news and those celebrations come with a caveat. ‘WE’RE GOING UP!’* *subject to meeting FA minimum licensing criteria. Still, the Belles have proven on the pitch what was previously taken from them on paper – they are very much a top flight side, and they will be there once again on footballing merit.
So, please get yourself down to the Keepmoat later today to give the Belles the reception they deserve for their achievements thus far, and then come back again on 18 October to cheer them to some much merited silverware.
GW
9
TIGER ASPECT WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS BEEN GOING ON AT HULL? WELL, CITY FAN DARREN NORTON IS HERE TO EXPLAIN Since then I’ve got my Saturday fix from two local non-league sides, and frankly I haven’t missed a minute of the hassle that modern football had become. I’m from a generation of fans that turned up at 2:55pm, handed over a fiver at the turnstile, and took my place on an old dilapidated terrace.
Never in the history of football, possibly sport, has someone gone from being so adored by a grateful public to hated by the majority of his own supporters. I first went to a City game in 1980, aged seven. Oxford United at home. We lost 1-0. I should have known then! What followed was twenty or so years of rubbish, mainly in the old 3rd and 4th Division. A move to the new KC Stadium brought an amazing journey of three promotions in seven years, culminating with 2008’s play-off final victory over Bristol City at Wembley. I’m not ashamed to say I cried at the final whistle. Twenty-eight years of following the club, up and down the country, before hometown hero Dean Windass catapulted us into the big time. A moment I, and 40,000 others at Wembley that day, will never forget. Bring on the Premier League! Only for me it never happened.
The move to the KC meant ordering match tickets weeks in advance, booking fees on top of already ridiculous prices for what was second tier football. Being forced to sit down, over officious stewards; something changed at my club and football in general. I needed a break. Besides, I’d seen us play and win at Wembley, a boyhood dream. It didn’t get better than that. City’s new found fan-base could have it, half-and-half scarves and £50 tickets. I walked away. Now as you all know, you don’t simply walk away from a football club. You and I might stop going for various reasons, but it’s OUR club, in our hearts and our blood. It’s something that can hurt and thrill in equal measure, costing us mentally and financially. But we keep coming back for more. It’s what we do. For me Hull City will always be my team, once a Tiger always a Tiger. Ah Tigers, the reason for this very article, which takes us to the Allams; chairman Assem and his son and director Ehab, who’s in charge of the club’s day-to-day running.
The following season, our first ever in the top flight, saw 10,000 fans come from nowhere. A huge take up of season tickets (something I couldn’t financially commit to at the time) meant actual match day sales were limited to 1,500 tickets, on a first come first served basis. As a van driver in full-time employment my chances of queuing for a ticket or joining an automated phone line were slim to none. I resigned myself to not going. Radio commentary and Match of the Day were the closest I got that season. 10
What I’m about to list is effectively a rap sheet of crimes our (yes, I still use this when referring to City) owner has committed in his reign. When Assem Allam initially bought-out the club, he was quoted as saying it was his ‘gift to the people of Hull’; it was actually a loan. Unlike most football club owners Allam charges interest on this, at 5%. Let’s not forget that first and foremost this man is a business man.
It’s that commercial income the club looked to boost. Sponsorship, and how to get it. Look abroad, Asia, the Far East. What’s a symbol of power and wealth in those places? A Tiger! And so the notion of Hull Tigers was born. Like some bastardised American brand, the Allam’s figured a name change would have sponsors falling over themselves to get on board. What they obviously hadn’t anticipated was the supporter backlash, both in Hull and nationwide.
Next up, ticket prices. A 23% increase upon our promotion back to the Premier League, and this year a 7% increase despite relegation to the Championship. His rationale when questioned how this could be justified? ‘The fans are getting more games in the Championship’. Such is his way with words and twisting of the truth this man should work in government. Talking of words, here’s some more from our beloved owner. ‘They can all go die’ was his response to fans forming a Trust and planning protests at games. And in reaction to a local newspaper reporter questioning his motives behind a proposed renaming as Hull Tigers; ‘no one questions me in business, not you or the fans’.
An initial proposal to the FA was rejected. Though at least one club representative voted in favour, and was vociferous in his support for the Allams, claiming anyone that puts that kind of money into a club should be able to do as they like! Thankfully not a sentiment shared by most fans. Recently a second application was also rejected, this time by a bigger margin. Hull Tigers was and is dead in the water. Only try telling Mr Allam that. Over the course of the last six months a rebranding by stealth has taken place. The words Hull City no longer appear on corporate headings, on advertising billboards in the city, or on the matchday programme. Even this year’s season tickets have no mention of Hull, only Tigers. The club badge on all brochures and official club releases is just a tigers head with 1904, the year of the club’s founding, underneath.
Hull Tigers; the real reason for this piece. The reason why, after six years of not watching my team, even I couldn’t stand anymore of Allam. The KC Stadium isn’t the biggest ground in England. The money generated from last season’s Premier League campaign, attendances wise, was the second lowest in the division. Only Swansea had less matchday revenue. An incredible 81% of the club’s revenue came from television, 14% from match day and just 5% from commercial income.
I’ve two grandsons now, and who knows in years to come they may both want to go to the football with me. It may be six or seven years until they’re ready to go, but I live for the day when they ask me to take them to their first ever game, as I did all them years ago myself. My hope is that by then the Allams are long gone, Hull Tigers as well. I support Hull City AFC. No-one else. 11
DN
MARSHALL MATTERS THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT PLAYER-MANAGERS; ROB MARSHALL REMEMBERS ONE OF THE BEST I didn’t have to think very long of course, there was one name standing out above the rest and one which could’ve comfortably stood shoulder to shoulder with Dalglish.
There’s something about a playermanager that still excites me. To be honest, there isn’t a great deal about football these days which does, but something about a player manager grabs my attention. I assume its probably something to do with the hours spent as a younger, more excitable and optimistic version of myself, delighting in reading about the latest match winning performance from Roy Race in the ‘Roy of the Rovers’ comic. Roy set the bar pretty high, but around that time the game boasted a few names that took on dual roles, with Kenny Dalglish being the top of the list. Liverpool’s dominance during the latter part of the 1980s, albeit with sometimes only fleeting glimpses of their manager taking to the field, showed it could happen in real life and so it always seemed to retain some magic.
April 1949 saw the club make one of the most important signings ever with the addition of Peter Doherty from Huddersfield Town for £8,000 as the new player-manager. Doherty was regarded as one of the finest players of his generation; a complete footballer with the ability to play in all areas and link defence to attack. He had won a League championship with Manchester City and an FA Cup with Derby County; ‘Peter the Great’ had been at the top throughout his time in the game and had been a prolific scorer of goals. Even in the twilight of his playing days he continued to have a huge impact on the field, but off the field his impact was felt with even more resonance.
Names such as Tony Cunningham (as caretaker), Ian Atkins and Kerry Dixon gave me brief taste of the potential as a young Rovers supporter, but even the inevitable mediocrity displayed by the in-cumbents at Belle Vue did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for the playermanager tag.
Doherty was vastly ahead of his time with his approach to coaching and training, criticising those who placed too much emphasis on hard running and strength work, instead advocating skills prac-tice and decision making exercises to develop his players. He had the vision to set up ‘nursery clubs’ to nurture and develop young players throughout South Yorkshire and the north east before they would graduate to his first team.
The possibility of Rob Jones adding his name to those who have inspired greatness on and off the pitch led me to wonder who, if any, would be the Rovers equivalent to Liverpool’s ‘King Kenny’. 12
Doherty was also progressive in his attitude to developing an early loan system, allowing young players to sign for Midland League teams under the condition they would be allowed to re-join the Rovers should their development reach the required level, with a clear dedication to securing the long term future of the club by producing quality young players. His impact on the team was immediate, winning five of his first seven games in charge in a season which ultimately yielded the Third Division North title and saw him score 27 league goals himself. The following season saw an impressive eleventh place in Division Two with average gates up over 22,000 and the club in a very healthy position with the promise of more.
The side struggled somewhat during the 1957-58 season however, and the fans were amazed to hear of Doherty’s resignation in January 1958 amid rumours of a falling out with some of the clubs directors. The side managed only two further wins in the remainder of the season and were duly relegated twice in successive seasons, such was the hole left by such a popular and successful figure.
Doherty was responsible for the signings and subsequent development of some very talented foot-ballers in the likes of Eddie McMorran, Kit Lawlor, Chris Giles, Len Graham and Harry Gregg, who all earned senior caps for their countries along with Barry Staton, Mike Connolly and Alick Jeffrey who represented England at under 23 and under 18 level.
Not only the club’s finest ever playermanager he could easily lay claim to being the clubs finest exponent of both roles; so far was he in advance of those around him. At the time of writing we are beginning life with a new caretaker player-manager; that ten year old boy that is still a part of me is desperate for Rob Jones to don both boots and tactics board in the hope that some of that magic lives on. If he enjoys half the success of Doherty then this year could yet prove to be more Melchester Rovers than Doncaster Rovers.
For ten years Doherty shaped the fortune of the club, enjoying a place in the second tier for most of it and reaching the fifth round of the FA cup on four occasions during the clubs most successful spell in its history. Doherty also combined his duties in Doncaster with managing the Northern Ireland national side, guiding them to their first ever World Cup finals in 1958 where they produced their best ever performance reaching the quarter finals.
RM 13
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME DAVE WAUGH RECALLS HIS FIRST ROVERS GAME, AND THE YEARS THAT FOLLOWED I recall an agile goalkeeper, Willie Nimmo, a forward called Bunny Larkin and a full back whom the crowd singled out for abuse. In those days, people thought Belle Vue was one of the best stadia in the fourth division and we always had the biggest pitch in the league, but Rovers were in a slump after eight seasons in the second division and gates were tiny compared to those in the fifties. People talked nostalgically about Peter Doherty and Alick Jeffrey and wondered where the next hero might come from.
DONCASTER ROVERS 3-0 BARROW 20 JANUARY, 1962 Attendance: 2,800
At the end of the season, we had to apply for re-election to the League and soon after signed my first real footballing hero, Colin Booth. He scored 57 in two seasons and bagged a hat-trick in Alick Jeffrey’s comeback game against Southport in 1964. Shortly after that we beat Darlington 10-0. When they heard the score on Sports Report, people must have assumed Alick had scored at least a hat trick, but he failed to find the net. Darlington seemed so preoccupied with him, they gave Alfie Hale and Booth space to fill their boots.
There always seemed to be marching bands on the pitch before matches in those days. I can remember hearing what became the Monty Python theme tune long before Monty Python was even a twinkle in the eyes of Cleese, Idle, Jones, Palin and Chapman’s. The pitch seemed incredibly green at Belle Vue and contrasted with Rovers’ red shirts with a single white hoop. We won and I marvelled at the way the whole crowd leapt in the air each time we scored. My dad told me not to repeat to my mum any of the things I’d heard shouted from people in the crowd. We had to stand at the front so that I could see.
The following season Booth moved to Oxford and Alick was the undisputed hero. Every time we organised a kick about on the green in Armthorpe, you’d hear a dozen people shout ‘Bagsy Jeffrey, Rovers, captain!’ 14
TWEET ENCOUNTER
By the time the arguments over who said it first had died down and someone had reluctantly agreed to be ‘Bremner, Leeds, captain’ or ‘Blanchflower, Spurs, captain’, it was often time to go in!
Jim Smallman came face to face with football hooliganism en route to Walsall v Rovers, yet selflessly tweeted through the horror. Here are those tweets... My train has three accidentally hilarious wannabe Doncaster hooligans on it. They’re 16 years old and wearing a lot of fake Stone Island
There were great days back in the sixties at Belle Vue and we were promoted and relegated twice. Crowds averaged above 10,000 in a couple of seasons and we took trainloads to places like Chester and Peterborough. But there was a hint of the dark hooligan days to come, with rumours that the infamous Archie carried a chisel to matches, and communication chords being pulled several times to bring our away excursions to a halt.
They just tried flirting with some girls. One said back to them “what are you twelve?” Ruined. They’re finding it hard knowing what station to get off at. It’s Bescot Stadium lads. Its not that hard to fathom. IT’S NEXT TO THE GROUND.
Alick Jeffrey was brilliant for a few seasons and would have made it into any Rovers team over the last 50 years, but the quality of football was nowhere near as good as now and pitches, Belle Vue apart, were mudheaps in winter, which only encouraged defenders to lump the ball forward at every opportunity. Being one of that tiny crowd back in 1962 puts our present position into context. Sadly, my dad passed away before Cardiff, Wembley and the Championship seasons, but his last game was at Stoke when we were restored to the same status we had all those years ago, when Barrow were the visitors for the first match he took me to.
Ha, ticket inspector came round. One was travelling on a kids ticket. Claimed it was ok because he’s 16. Argued. Now leaving at next stop. As he got off he genuinely said to his mates (who stayed on) “Don’t worry about me lads, I’m immortal” Inspector has been back and told his mates that the lad isn’t getting on any other train today. Including to Doncaster. Pointed out CCTV.
DW
They’re all freaking out now. Talking of buying their mate a disguise. One jusr said “there has to be a fancy dress shop in Walsall”
Remember your own first time? Fancy telling us all about it in a future issue of the fanzine? Please get in touch on twitter @vivarovers or via email at popularstand@outlook.com
...alas Jim’s tale ends there; leaving us with the image of a would-be hooligan wandering West Midlands streets, dressed as a pantomime horse. 15
NUMBERS UP IS IT TIME ROVERS TOOK A MORE ANALYTICAL APPROACH? LAZARUS RECKONS IT MIGHT JUST PAY OFF But similar methods have been implemented in football already with some success – Forest Green topped the Conference by winning their first nine games, while Danish underdogs FC Midtjylland just won their first Superliga title and have since dismissed Southampton to earn their place in this season’s Europa League.
‘It’s a numbers game’ is one of those inane soundbites that infect the world of punditry. The kind that Steve ‘If they scored more goals, they might win more often’ Claridge would be proud of. Before elections, prospective MPs love to discuss the ‘numbers game’ of winning votes, rather than their principles or policies. Simon Cowell persuades viewers to dial premiumrate phonelines for his latest X Factor flavour of the next couple of months, because ‘it’s a numbers game now.’
On the flip-side, Midtjylland’s English counterparts Brentford (both teams are owned by SportOdds founder Matthew Benham) lost manager Mark Warburton due in part to his unwillingness to embrace the statistical philosophy, and are now languishing in the Championship after one win in six. The recent League Two match between Plymouth and Wycombe was delayed due to the legal ambiguity of Wycombe’s use of GPS trackers on their players for performance analysis, and even though they were allowed, they didn’t prevent them losing their first game of the season.
But sport? Where outcomes are dictated by such random follies as freak gusts of wind, or a referee forgetting to pick up his Specsavers prescription? How on earth could this be boiled down to mathematics? Using statistics to determine the outcome of sporting events has long been the dream of gamblers everywhere. If it were easy then we’d be a nation of super-rich geeks and bankrupt bookmakers by now. But, all this said, it’s undeniable that the analytical, scientific side of football is becoming more and more prominent.
It’s understandable that lovers of ‘the beautiful game’ could feel threatened by those who try to reduce aspects of the sport to probabilities and graphs. Historically we’ve always been more inclined to rely on instincts and natural talent, but could it be that in future, the Wengers of the world won’t spend 12 hours a day watching match DVDs from across the globe, but simply find themselves pouring over spreadsheets?
The Moneyball philosophy, immortalised by Brad Pitt’s movie of the same name, was understandably effective in baseball, a sport that famously thrives upon statistics. 16
Granted, sometimes the numbers simply reiterate what many fans would describe as ‘the bleeding obvious.’ The @experimental361 Twitter feed has often been illuminating this season, but its recent revelation that Doncaster’s attack has so far been the most ineffectual in League One (22 shots per goals scored) is unlikely to make many jaws drop at the Keepmoat.
Obviously, some factors such as tactical instinct, effective manmanagement, or individual moments of inspiration will always remain beyond the reach of computer software, as would things like referee bias, or the ball’s random bounce on a stray divot. But although football will never truly be preordained, it doesn’t mean this kind of technology doesn’t have its place in the game. After all, technology exists to perform tasks that us meagre humans cannot – whether it be confirming if the ball crossed the line, or discovering the next Gareth Bale in a Sunday League team.
Sky Sports have recently taken to using data from PC game Football Manager when discussing newlytransferred players. A recent 1000year simulation of the game showed we’re heading for a millennium of dominance for Sheffield United and Burnley, who are due to win over 300 Premier League titles and 80 Champions Leagues between them, whilst Chelsea, Halifax, and Moneyball-friendly Forest Green will all only win one each. Time will tell on this one, but perhaps it shows that their source data still needs some tweaking. Maybe, given enough time, football software will become self-aware and destroy the planet, Skynet-style, but that’s one for future generations to worry about.
With seven and eight figure transfer fees becoming more commonplace in the Championship already, clubs of Rovers’ size and stature will need to adapt within their means if they’re to compete at that level. And compared to the likes of the McKay experiment, are statistical models really so bad? The creep of technology into football has brought many positives, and ultimately one day it’ll doubtless be the richest clubs who spend the most on data science who’ll reap the greatest rewards. But until then, this remains one of the few areas in football that financially-challenged clubs can seek to gain advantage. As such, isn’t it one we at Rovers ought to be embracing?
However, it is plausible that given enough complex data of player fitness, stadium climate, team chemistry, etc, that football may well, in time, become more and more predictable – at least for anyone with enough processing power to make sense of it. Gone will be the days of talent scouts scouring obscure lower-league touchlines in search of some undiscovered spark of genius – what would be the point, when a computer algorithm could find it for you?
DJL
17
CONFERENCE CALLS NEIL CAMPBELL IS THE LATEST SUBJECT OF CHRIS KIDD’S LOOK AT PLAYERS FROM ROVERS CONFERENCE YEARS ‘Neil Campbell? The Middlesbrough striker?’ ‘No, that’s his brother Andy. The other one.’ That was generally how Neil Campbell was known. From memory he was a reasonably hard working centre forward who had a somewhat physical approach to the game, and no real technical skill or flair. Not too dissimilar in style to Paul Dick... so, moving on.
NEIL CAMPBELL FACT FILE BORN: 26 JANUARY, 1977 ROVERS APPEARANCES: ROVERS GOALS:
64 15
DEBUT: 21 MARCH 2000 vs SOUTHPORT
Campbell arrived at Rovers from Southend United for the princely sum of £10,000 reasonably late in the 19992000 season. The manager at the time, Ian Snodin, had played with Campbell at Scarborough and moved to bring him into Rovers. Campbell had a good level of competition for his position at the time, mainly from Paul Barnes, Ian Duerden and the emerging Robert Gill, so ultimately didn’t play as many games as he may have expected in the two and half seasons he spent at Belle Vue. Of course his disciplinary record didn’t help matters; collecting two red cards and eight yellow cards in the 2001-02 season.
each wearing Frankenstein-esque masks and proclaiming to be Neil Campbell – a nod to his somewhat unique looks. It took Campbell eight games to find the net for Rovers, his first strike coming away at Altrincham in April 2000. In fact the 1999-2000 season was a particularly lean one for Campbell, who played 28 times, yet scored just twice in a season split between playing for Southport and Rovers. That said, in hindsight I guess Campbell’s return of one goal every four games isn’t totally nonsense. He was a useful player, worked hard with his back to goal and tried his best to bring midfield into the game. Campbell had a particularly hot streak which started in the middle of September 2001 and went into early October where he scored five goals in the space of five games.
For me, the overriding memory of Campbell comes from that famous away victory at the McCain Stadium on Boxing Day 2002. Yet it wasn’t because of anything he had actually done in the game. By that time Campbell had returned to Scarborough and having lined up against Rovers, was duly sent off in the game. However, my key memory is of the three blokes sat in the row in front of my Dad and I, who were
So yeah, Neil Campbell. Not a household name, but one I thought you ought to remember, even if it was just for that fantastic Boxing Day afternoon at the seaside back in 2002. 18
CJK
FOLLOWS THE ROVERS WITH ROVERS YET TO APPOINT A NEW MANAGER MIKE FOLLOWS SPOKE TO A MAN WHO KNOWS THE PROCESS BETTER THAN MOST; MANAGERIAL MERRY-GO-ROUND OPERATOR, STAN PARSNIPS got Sky bleedin’ TV down here wanting summat. Makes it bloody hard to sneak out and pinch a tank of red diesel for’ generator.
Mike: It’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, Stan. Can you tell us about your early days in the business? Stan Parsnips: I’ve been working on the managerial merry-go-round since I was a boy. I started back in 1959. Of course it was still steam-powered back then. We only had a dozen seats shared between prancing horses and golden carriages. The organ used to play a right merry melody as I recall it. Halcyon days, they were. I remember pitching up in Bradford with Bill Shankly. Park Avenue interviewed him and turned him down but we offloaded him on our next stop in Liverpool.
MF: I see. Have you had many trips to Doncaster? SP: I used to come regular, like. Sammy Chung, he were one of mine. And O’Driscoll. Good as gold, he were. Sat in the miniature double decker there all the way from Bournemouth. Smashing lad. MF: How do you know when your services are going to be needed? SP: Mostly I travel with the fun fairs. Happened I was in town for Leger week and Paul Dickov jumped on board. I reckon he’ll be with us for a while. Made a beeline for one o’ covered carriages. Didn’t want to mess his hair up in’ breeze.
MF: As managers go, you don’t get many bigger than that. You must’ve seen plenty of famous faces over the years. SP: Oh aye, cocker. I’ve had ‘em all on here at one time or another. Jose Mourinho, Alf Ramsay, Terry Venables. Had to replace the main bearing after Steve Evans came on. Have you ever tried to find ball bearings for a vintage carousel? Bloody nightmare it is. Had to go down to Boothy’s scrap yard. That’s how the bloated little troll ended up managing Rotherham.
MF: Who else is on the ride at the moment, Stan? Any idea who you’ll be dropping off at the Keepmoat? SP: Trade secret, that I’m afraid. I can tell you that Rob Jones keeps putting one foot one the bottom step then running back to his mum when the music starts. He might get on properly one day but I don’t know if he’s quite ready. Any road, time to move on. Alan Knill’s been on so long he’s feeling bilious.
MF: How is the job different now to when you started? SP: It’s all hype and speculation these days, lad. Twenty-four hours a day I’ve 19
MF
NEW MANAGER TOP TRUMPS DECIDE THE NEW ROVERS MANAGER; FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY Doncaster Rovers are looking for a new manager, so what better way to decide than with the family favourite game of Top Trumps? Seriously, we’re asking you. Any ideas? Compare the ratings of the leading candidates to see if you can pick the right man for the job. New Manager Top Trumps; helping you put the fun into ‘fundamentally flawed recruitment process’.
20
21
JACK’S CRAIC THE CHAMPIONSHIP YEARS WERE GREAT FUN, NOW WE NEED TO GET OVER THE HANGOVER SAYS JACK PEAT The early morning sun peaks over the high rise buildings of Las Vegas, slowly illuminating a destructive trail of evidence from the night before. The hotel is a disgrace, a collection of burned furniture with ash embers emanating from charred contemporary decor. It gets worse. There’s live poultry running around the room, skirting around bottles of champagne lined up as skittles. It gets worse. There’s a crying baby in the closet, a hospital band on your arm and you’re missing a tooth. You escape to relieve yourself of an evening’s hard liquor but there’s a fully grown tiger in the bathroom. Your head pounding, your mouth parched, you look to the skies and think, ‘what the fucking hell happened last night?’
It wasn’t like this the night before. You were on top of the World when the lads were all crammed into your room knocking back cans of fresh bitter and getting giddy on sugary alcopops. Chris, the newly anointed Archbishop of Banterbury, was on top form delivering a smorgasbord of exemplary witticisms befitting of his high-profile title. You feel like you’re riding the crest of a wave as you stagger to the club, part piggybacked by The Big Show, part swinging between the Sisters who aren’t enjoying the public displays of frivolity. So what if you snog the rotter in the club, so what if she’s brought her kid because she couldn’t sort a sitter. You’re out for a laugh, you’re here to have fun. YOU’RE FUCKING INVINCIBLE, MAN!
Perhaps I’ve not used the most relatable example. Picture instead a toppled plastic chair beneath a pine desk littered with stale tins of John Smiths and an ashtray brimming with old cigarette butts. A stray ferret skirts bottles of WKD with a familiar blue tinge on the glass. The baby is probably still there, but so is his mother, a beached whale of a woman sprawled across the bed, a stern rumble emanating from her mouth on every outbreath shaking the curtains that shield the room from the early morning sunrise above the high rise flats of Ponte Carlo.
But life is one eternal balancing act, and you must pay for the good times with the utter shit sandwich that follows. Even your dingy hotel room feels rough. The clean sheets look crumpled and sorry, the room fragrance has turned to a musty scent of stale beer and fags. The Archbishop is curled up in the corner of the room, a shell of a man, Big Show is in his usual state in the bath and as you look to the king size bed which is filled almost in its entirety by last night’s fling, the shame hits. Oh the shame. How can you even look at yourself. 22
Three showers, a coffee and a greasy spoon later you’ll feel a little better. But indignity doesn’t wash off. You text your ex on the way home just to remind yourself of the days when you had a shred more decency, but that only lubricates the downward spiral. Best to grin and bear it. You’ll be doing the same thing all over again come Friday. I get the sense that Rovers are currently undergoing one of life’s great balancing acts. After getting tipsy at the Britannia Stadium all those years ago we enjoyed that steady ascension of drunkenness, winning the League Two title, smashing City and Villa at home before hitting a newfound level of inebriated ecstasy at Wembley against Leeds. You could argue that the ‘dark days’ were payment for the meteoric rise that followed, but ever since Sean O’Driscoll left the club after a disastrous opening to the 2011 season I felt like we had reached our peak. Brentford was like hair of the dog after all that fun, a rare glimpse of excitement amidst an otherwise dull backdrop. Last season perhaps cemented the hungover feeling more than others.
An utter damp squib of a season that features an impressive away win at Crawley and a short spell within touching distance of the playoffs as its highlights. But the most disappointingly depressing thing is that the start of this season seems to promise more of the same. We’ve scored three goals in seven games at the time of writing, opening the season with two 0-0s and a 1-1. In 2009, when we most pissed up, we drew the odd game. But it was 3-3 at home to Ipswich in front of ten and half thousand people, or 2-2 away to Scunny in front of seven and a half. Some hangovers hit you with real venom but don’t last long, others are drawn-out bouts of miserable suffering. Simon Le Bon once said that he felt sorry for the 90s because it was never able to be anything much more than the hangover to the party that was the 80s. I feel sorry for those who’ve had to endure our latest stint in League One, because it seems like we’re set for a prolonged hangover to the party that was the rise and fall of Championship football. We’ve thrown up most of the remnants of that era, what we really need now is a good strong coffee. It’s time to wake up Rovers. This hangover won’t shift itself.
JP
BERNARD GLOVER’S
BELIEVE IT or NOT Since retiring from football, former Rovers defender Stephen Roberts has landed a recurring role as a bartender in the Welsh language soap opera Pobol y Cym. 23
JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE JACK THE MINER TAKES US TO THE PICTURES FOR DICKOV THE MOVIE, THE DIRECTOR’S CUT ‘Four?’ asks Watson.
SETTING: Doncaster Rovers boardroom, a few hours after Paul Dickov has been appointed manager. They watch Mr Big’s Bentley leave the car park. A bemused looking Dick Watson and Terry Bramall are scratching their heads.
‘Whadya mean punk?’ snarls Dickov as he smoothes his hair. ‘You went, one, two and then you went to four instead of three.’ Dickov curls his lip. ‘1, 2, 3... whatever... 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 4-5-1 it’s all the same to me. I find it all a bit confusing. Anyway, don’t argue with The Wasp. Do ya know why they call me The Wasp?’
‘How the hell did that happen?’ says Bramall. A shell shocked Watson shrugs his shoulders. As he reaches for his tea cup there is a loud explosion. Glass is showered around the room. As smoke clears, a man in combat trousers, boots and a dirty vest is standing with his hands on his hips, feet wide part; an automatic weapon in his right hand. It is Dickov. He smiles a threatening smile at the two directors and speaks.
‘No, why are you called The Wasp?’ ‘I don’t know why I’m called The Wasp,’ spits Dickov, ‘I just wondered if you two knew. I’d like to know. Anyway, whether you voted for me or not...’
‘I hear you two ************* ain’t exactly happy about my appointment as manager of this goddamn football club of yours’
‘We didn’t,’ murmurs Watson under his breath, but Dickov hears him.
‘Well, as I was about to say... I... what? Neither of you?’
Bramall looks up defiantly. ‘Well, we did wonder about your lack of track record...’ Dickov glares. ‘Listen ******, I’ll tell you about my track record and I’ll give you plenty of reasons why Mr Big wanted me in this job. One, I was manager at Oldham when they knocked Liverpool out of the FA Cup... Two, I am a neighbour of Mr Big... Four...’
The two shake their heads.
‘Really? Despite the Italian suit and silk tie? The Liverpool FA Cup thing?’ The two shake their heads again.
‘Well **** you. I’m in charge now, so get used to it and you tell those 24
‘We don’t’, whispers Watson to himself.
players I’m coming. And Hell’s coming with me, ya hear? Hell’s coming with me and so is 4-4-2 or 4-3-3, maybe 4-5-1. I’m never really sure what works best.’
Dickov sweats profusely and his vest is getting dirtier by the minute. He continues,
‘Hang on’ interrupts Bramall, ‘Hell’s coming with me is a line from a film.’
‘Well this job is gonna take brains as well as brawn and I’m loaded with both.’
‘Yes it is, isn’t it?’ says Watson. ‘Is it a Clint Eastwood film?’
‘And that’s a line from a film as well. It’s a line by Baloo Bear from Jungle Book’, sniggers Watson.
‘No’, says Watson. ‘It’s one of those modern Westerns. Tombstone! That’s it! Tombstone. Got it.’ ‘Nice one Dick,’ says Bramall.
Watson and Bramall turn around. Dickov has vanished.
Dickov looks impatient and slams his weapon on the table.
‘I think The Wasp has got the monk on and buzzed off ’.
‘Look you two, I’m here whether you like it or not.
Camera zooms out and laughter echoes down the corridors of the Keepmoat. Scene Ends.
THIS ISSUE STEVE IS... ...saying ‘adios amigos’ 25
JTM
THE BALD TRUTH HOWARD BONNETT CONSIDERS RICHARD CHAPLOW’S STANDING IN THE HISTORY OF BALD FOOTBALLERS ‘I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.’ Harry Hill. With the arrival of Richard Chaplow I started thinking about how many bald players you see in football, and how Rovers have been served by the folicly challenged members of the football fraternity.
As a keen collector of Pannini stickers in my childhood the one bald player I can remember from the books was David Armstrong of Southampton. In the school playground any spare Armstrongs would be put together to look like a pair of boobs as me and my mates sniggered.
Growing up in the 1970s there were a few famous baldies plying their trade at a time when long hair was the norm, players such as Bobby and Jackie Charlton and Nobby Stiles. As the 1970s progressed and Kevin Keegan was transferred to SV Hamburg, the perm soon became very much the hairstyle of the rich and famous. I remember George Berry of Wolves with a huge afro. He’s gone bald now. That afro is a long gone memory.
In the 1980s, growing up just round the corner from Colin Douglas, I remember seeing him at the bus stop in Edenthorpe, complete with mullet ready for a night out in Doncaster, probably ending up at Rotters or Romeo & Juliets. His hair was his crowning glory and other players, such as the Snodin brothers, had a good head of hair as well. I don’t remember too many glistening heads in that era. Since the early 1990s the fashion for the shaved head has saved many a prematurely bald man, making him look more manly. Towards the end of the decade, a mate of mine, still only 25, shaved his head whilst drunk. He has kept it the same ever since. Mind you - he’s got a bit of ginger in him. If he let it grow out now he would look like Rita off Coronation Street. 26
But I do wonder if the bald pate is being forced out the game. When high profile players like Wayne Rooney are undergoing hair transplant procedures and even referees advertise surgery might there be a day when we can no longer do the slapping noise when an opposing baldie comes to take a throw in or corner?
Let me start you off. In recent years Rovers could have fielded a goalkeeper in Alan Blayney and a pretty decent back four in James O’Connor, Rob Jones, Stephen Roberts and Tim Ryan (Ed - do you want to be the one to tell Tim Ryan he’s bald?). In midfield you’ve got David Cotterill out wide and Paul Keegan in the middle, with a front two of Leo Fortune West and Steve Brooker. There are a few places to fill there admittedly, and so I’ll leave that to you, as you might have your own smoothie who you reckon might be a better pick. I hope that Chaplow can enjoy the affection some of these former and current Rovers managed to enjoy.
But, while a fuller thatch may improve players’ confidence, the loss of the bald player has to be viewed with just a little sadness. My eyesight is getting worse, not quite as bad as that of the guy next to me at the Bury game who barracked Harry Forrester for thirty minutes by calling him Theo, but still bad enough to highlight ho having someone easy to distinguish on the pitch does make following the game a little easier.
In the future I hope to put together another article covering silver haired Rovers such as myself. To date I am stuck on Andy Griffin and Andy Warrington. What is it about Andys? Do we grey form A-Z?
So that got me thinking about how a team of Rovers baldies might line up compared to say a World XI. One including such alumni as Fabian Barthez, Zinedine Zidane, Arjen Robben, Frank Le Beouf, Ronaldo, Juan Sebastian Veron, Gianluca Vialli and… Andy Johnson of Fulham.
Could you complete or improve on Howard’s Rovers Bald XI? Get in touch with us via email to popularstand@outlook.com, or tweet @vivarovers
HB
OVERHEARD AT THE FOOTBALL HEARD SOMETHING DAFT AT A GAME? WHY NOT SHARE IT WITH THE CLASS
VENUE Dulwich Hamlet Football Club
VENUE Hackney Marshes Sports Ground
Home fan: ‘That’s the good thing about the north, that it’s not insurmountable to get out of it’
Opposition striker: ‘This referee is one your side. He’s given pretty much half the 50/50s your way.’
HEARD BY @glenglenglen
HEARD BY @glenglenglen
Overheard your own ridiculousness this season? Tweet it to us at @vivarovers 27
OWEN IT ALL TO GARETH CHRIS DONALD IS A SELF-CONFESSED FOOTBALL ADDICT. HERE, HE TELLS US HOW IT ALL BEGAN Admission is the first step to overcoming addiction… …is what they say about alcoholism and various drug addictions. However, the moment you realise you’re a football addict it escalates to a whole new level. Hi, my name is Chris, and I’m a football addict. Every man, woman or child who watches football will have had that moment of realisation, that they just cannot go without watching or supporting their team. By this I don’t necessarily mean going to games week in week out, I just mean having that weird love for seeing twenty-two men kicking a ball around, and everything that comes with it. The moment I remember thinking ‘I’m in this for the long haul now’ was a Tuesday night at Belle Vue in 2001. September 18 to be precise. I was nine years old. You may be wondering ‘How was he thinking so maturely at nine years old’, and that is a valid question. I’m not saying I stood at the front wall in the old Main Stand, watching my hero Tim Ryan as we defended the Rosso End, actively thinking that, but when you try to think back you do remember that moment you subconsciously took an oath to support your team through whatever shit they put you through.
I’d been to Belle Vue many times before then, dragged along by various family members, but I only vaguely remember these days so they clearly didn’t get under my skin. I was probably just too young to understand the power football can hold over someone. I remember the game in question like it was yesterday. We’d had a decent start to the season, only losing once, to Yeovil (who’d have thought back then what sort of journey we were both about to take). That evening we were playing Nuneaton. As the night drew in I remember the visitors’ bright orange kit flying up and down the hallowed Belle Vue turf and Rovers not causing our friends from the West Midlands many problems with a performance that was abject to say the least. Ever noticed that it always seems to be the dreadful games that hook you the most? I think that’s when you realise your addiction. You want to hate the game and the team but you really can’t. Nuneaton scored first then big Neil Campbell equalised for Rovers in a game where you could say we didn’t deserve a goal at all. Well, not from how I remember it anyway. I recall standing there with my friend having a laugh with one of the stewards. 1-1 was the score at half time. 28
In those days we could only dream of idols of the calibre of Billy Sharp and Richie Wellens at Rovers. At that very moment I had one idol and one hero. Gareth Owen. He picked the ball up around 30 yards out and let fly into the bottom corner of the Rosso End goal. 2-2. We’d earned a point from nothing. Incidentally, Gareth followed me on Twitter recently. That was nice.
This is when the ground came into its own. A burger at Belle Vue was second to none. I loved them. Everything about the place screamed ‘pub team’ but you know what, we all loved that place. The food, drinks and atmosphere was a million times better than some of the corporate crap we’re dealt these days. Anyway, I digress, back to the game. Rovers came back out in the second half in a similar lacklustre fashion and again we fell a goal behind. I assume at that point I became, like many other youngsters when Rovers fall behind at the Keepmoat, restless and bored because their heroes are not winning like they should be. However, that all changed late on in the game.
That goal was the point I realised I was hooked on Doncaster Rovers and hooked on football. There’s not a day goes by now when I don’t watch, talk, think or play football. It’s engrained in me like a computer operating system. I won’t function without it. Perhaps we should all just think of why we love football and our clubs whoever that may be before we start moaning because your club hasn’t signed who you want them to or won every game. I follow football because I love the lows as much as the highs and that Gareth Owen goal remains the reason.
I can’t quite remember what time the goal went in, possibly 70 minutes, 80 minutes, I don’t know. It was late though. I remember it was late because I wanted to go home.
CD
IN OFF THE POSTBAG
We’ve had some post. No, really we have. The less said about the fella in the red and white hoops the better, but the other man in the picture is the real star. His name is Shaun, and he’s a resident at the Hesley Group specialist school near Rossington
Shaun is pictured here attending the Rovers game against Bury earlier this season, and to complete the full Rovers matchday experience he chose to purchase his first ever fanzine too. So, by way of thanks we said we’d include his picture in issue 78. Hope you enjoyed it, Shaun. 29
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE ROVERS NEED A NEW MAN TO TAKE THEM FORWARD AND JAMES McMAHON BELIEVES HE S THAT MAN To Whom It May Concern, I noticed, via the club’s website, in the wake of Mr. Dickov’s dismissal, that Doncaster Rovers Football Club were advertising for a new first team manager. I would like to throw my hat into the ring. I am of course speaking of a metaphorical hat. I don’t own any hats. I mean, I did. I had one of those garish wooly Rovers hats that I bought from the club shop when I’d severely underestimated just how cold Doncaster vs. Ipswich in December would be. But I left it on a train and now I don’t have a hat. Basically what I am saying is that I would like to apply for the job. Why me? Well, not only am I a Doncaster Rovers fan of some twentysix years, thereby knowing the club inside out (indeed, I once got lost on a school trip to Belle Vue, aged ten – there wasn’t much of that ground I hadn’t seen in the time it took a kindly Andy Rhodes to find me and comfort me), but I have a sound tactical mind as well as a deep, nuanced understanding of football. I know that’s a line that could apply to Ian Snodin as much as me, but I think the very fact that, flashback to the turn of the millennium, I was shouting ‘Get Duerden on’ and he wasn’t getting Duerden on… well, it speaks volumes. 30
You may be wondering if I posses the temperament for a role like this – and make no mistake, I am fully aware of the responsibility the role carries, the need for a cool head. Let’s put it this way. I went to Fleetwood away last year, and managed to make it through the entire game without setting anything and anyone on fire, which I believe was some achievement, given the bilge that was being presented as a Rovers side that day. I am not saying it won’t be difficult. There are times, I am sure, where I will find it hard not to lose it with Curtis Main, perhaps after a training session of him spooning shots on goal, repeatedly, by some distance. But no. I will not shout, ‘GO AND FETCH IT CURTIS. GO AND FETCH IT WITH YOUR TEETH’. I will just take a deep breath and make Donny Dog fetch the balls instead. Between me and you, if I get the job, I do probably intend to sell Curtis. Maybe for firewood or something.
I was also absolutely mint at Premier Manager on the Amiga. I mean, I know I won’t be able to simultaneously run two games at once, one as Bury, the other as Gateshead, combining the best players and the best ground facilities. But I still have some tricks up my sleeve (and lint. I’ve got some lint up there) See, I am an innovator; were I to get the job, one of my first priorities would be to contact the Detroit Police Department, to hit them up for any tips regarding biomechanical engineering, which I would then use to shore the services of Jamie Coppinger up for another decade. Sure, after all this time, we all know what Copps is capable of, but I don’t think we will ever truly know what he can do until he has a rocket launcher installed inside his knee. I will stop short of letting RoboCopps wander mournfully around the fitted kitchen he once shared with his fully human family. Unless we’re playing Scunthorpe. Then I can see it might be useful as a motivational technique.
I will conclude this application by saying I am available for interview at your earliest convenience. I am, as I say, the standout candidate for the role. Oh, I didn’t say that? I meant to say that. I thought you would just know by this point in the application. And, in case you were wondering, I am, at 5’11” a good few inches taller than Mr. Dickov, which is good, because it means that come my post-match analysis, I won’t look like a hobbit looking up from a well. I swear, the Football League Show cameramen must have thought they were lost in Middle Earth last season. Especially on the occasions when Rob Jones came striding into the room, like a big grumpy Ent.
Were I to be successful in my application, it is my intention to build the team around the captain, Rob Jones. This I mean literally. I actually intend to dig a big hole at The Keepmoat, put Rob Jones in it like a big Teesside yucca plant, fill it with soil, and then get the rest of the team to play around him. Picture the scene. Rob Jones, growing actual limbs of bark, a bit like the creepy pensioner in Pocahontas. Our very own Easter Island statue. As an added bonus, come the clubs open day, we can tie bits of rope to a plank, hang it on his arms and let the kids use him as a swing.
Give me a shout back anyway. Rovers ‘til I die (or get the Real Madrid job). 31
JM
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE SUPPORTERS NOT CONSUMERS; EDITOR GLEN WILSON ON WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GET A CHOICE OF WHO YOU SUPPORT At the risk of wiping away the glamour and mystique that you doubtless associate with being editor of this eternally miss-spelt publication, I shall begin with a little story.
More to the point, why are you choosing to support a football club in the first place. If you have chosen who to support, then you are doing football wrong. There should be no element of choice involved. You get lumbered with a football club in the same way you get lumbered with your own head. You might get lucky, you might grow up on Sir Matt Busby Way or the barrio of Les Corts, Barcelona, or you might be raised in Rotherham. George Clooney got that coffee-flogging, stunning-andintelligent-woman-enticing visage of his; the rest of us look like a duffel bag over-stuffed with spanners. Them’s the breaks.
Just three years ago I had a souldestroying job, working nights in the wilds of North Yorkshire, writing websites for the Yellow Pages. We worked nights so we could call disinterested plasterers out of hours and royally piss them off after a long day, by interrupting their tea to ask them what they really wanted from their website. Incredibly I lasted nine months.
But some people do feel they deserve a choice in the matter; as if supporting a football club were the same as selecting a new shade for the hallway, or choosing where to get lunch. Worse still, some of these ‘people’ procreate and allow such liberal sensibilities to develop in their offspring. I’ve seen far too many young children in Barcelona or Real Madrid shirts in recent years. Such fanciful aspiration can’t be good for them. It will give them unrealistic idylls of football harbouring success and glamour. Child Services should be forced to intervene, take the children down the Keepmoat and show them Gary MacKenzie hoofing clearances into the East Stand. That’s football kids. This shit. From now until forever. If you’re lucky son, one day the ref might fall over, but otherwise, deal with it.
One of my colleagues was from Reading, and one Monday night in August booked his shift off in order to watch his team, Manchester United, play at Everton. Knowing he’d never been to watch United before, the next night I asked him about it. ‘What was the ground like? I’ve always wanted to go to Goodison’ ‘Oh, I didn’t go, I was just watching it on the television’. The face you’re pulling now is the right one to pull. I pulled it for the rest of that shift. Why? Why would you do that? Why would you choose to support a team you had no intention, nor no conceivable chance, of ever watching in the flesh? 32
‘We need a club that says you’re successful, but in touch with the working man, that you want success, but have known suffering.’ The same shit that means cabinet ministers must have an opinion about the Eastenders storyline or who’s noshed off who on Celebrity Big Brother. That’s why David Cameron forgot which football club he supported in the run up to the General Election. Aston Villa, West Ham, it’s all the same when you’ve never actually supported a club in the first place. Though I suppose subsequent revelations have given further light as to why Cameron had ham on the brain. He could’ve just as easily have said he’d rather people support Porksmouth or Colwyn Bacon.
There are online quizzes you can take with the strap-line ‘what does the football club you support say about you?’ All this guff tells you nothing; you don’t support Chelsea because you’re assertive, or Norwich because you have a certain je ne sais qua, you don’t follow West Ham because you’re a tender lover. No, the football club you support says only one of two things about you. Either ‘you support your hometown club’, or ‘you are a charlatan, a deserter, an immoral turncoat who would rather go through life openly flaunting their insecurities to ride on the coat-tails of others’ successes without a shred of humility; you are, frankly, scum.’ But, people do choose who to support. They choose to support the successful teams, the Premier League teams, so they can join in with the banter at work, and talk about how ‘we should have won’ and how ‘we’re just trying to walk it in’, as if they were some way involved and they’d spent Saturday afternoon striding round at centrehalf rather than sitting down the club watching Soccer Saturday between trying to chat up the disinterested barmaid. If you drew a Venn Diagram of people who’ve chosen to support top flight clubs and people who refer to their club as ‘we’ then you’d find yourself looking at a singular circle. You’ll also find that such people always have a ready prepared story as to why they support the club their team. ‘Well, my granddad once held a door open for Ian St John so you know even growing up in Southampton, it’s always been Liverpool for me’.
When people choose who they support rather than go with what life lumbered them with, the expectation of what they’re entitled to is duly warped. It is not football support, but football consumerism. So, if you chose to support Manchester United, you will be up in arms when they finish seventh rather than win the trophies you expected to gloat about. It is why Arsenal fans are irate at ‘only’ making the Champions League. It’s why Cheslea fans in Yorkshire – for such a phenomenon exists – are embarrassed at losing to Crystal Palace. If you support your home town team, you have no reason to ever be embarrassed. You can be disappointed, you can be frustrated, but you have no reason to ever be ashamed or apologetic. Football isn’t meant to be a trophy-laden joy-ride watched from a distance; it should be lived, and for the most part done so in a melancholy, selfdeprecating funk. You support the best team you could ever have supported. You support the only team you could ever have supported.
This is the end of football support as an intrinsic thing, and the start of it as an aspiration. It’s the kind of football support that Tory politicians go in for; club loyalty by think tank.
GW
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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND ROVERS WERE MORE SUCCESSFUL AWAY FROM HOME LAST SEASON - DUTCH UNCLE LOOKS AT HOW RARE THIS IS The prescription worked wonders. Lyon’s flashing header found the back of Doncaster’s net in the 57th minute. This was followed up by a volley with his strapped up foot 15 minutes later, and then 3 minutes from the end he scored with another header. After being chaired off the field by jubilant supporters, Lyon said ‘I could hardly walk when I got back on the pitch, but when the first goal went in I was chuffed. I forgot all about the pain, it just didn’t seem to hurt anymore.’
Following articles last season which looked at Rovers’ history in the League Cup and Associate Members’ Cups here is a look at Rovers history in the FA Cup since 1945. I am in proud possession of a book written in 2003 by Mike Collett titled ‘The Complete Record of the FA Cup’. In the two page introduction Collett refers to a single match which ‘captures the magic of the FA Cup like no other’. The match concerned is not The Matthews Final of 1953, nor any other final for that matter, it was an FA Cup First Round replay featuring Doncaster Rovers. Despite that season being a Division Four Championship winning season, unfortunately the match concerned proved a low point for Rovers. In November 1965 Wigan Athletic, then in the Cheshire County League, beat Fourth Division Doncaster Rovers 3-1 in a first round replay. Somehow a report of this obscure match was carried by The Times and it makes astonishing reading;
H. Lyon was the toast of Wigan last night. Carried off on a stretcher after 20 minutes of the FA Cup First Round replay against Doncaster Rovers at Wigan, he defied pain of sprained ankle ligaments to score three goals. Lyon spent 15 minutes in the Wigan dressing room while a doctor plied him with whisky and tablets to ease the pain.
Sadly for Rovers this was before regular testing for banned stimulants and recreational substances. Strangely enough Rovers haven’t often been beaten by non-league sides in the FA Cup. In the post-war period covered by this article Wigan are one of just three non league sides to defeat Rovers as a Football League club - the other two being Scarborough and Exeter in our very first two seasons back in the League following five seasons in the Conference (we also lost twice against fellow Conference teams in those five years). This can be seen from the full set of FA Cup results since 1945, split against level of opposition (opposite). Rovers have been victorious over four teams from the top level. All four occasions are from days prior to the Premier League, with the most recent being the third round victory over QPR in 1984-85. 34
ROVERS POST-WAR FA CUP RECORD HOME OPPOSITION LEVEL NATIONAL TIER 1 NATIONAL TIER 2 REGIONAL TIER 3 NATIONAL TIER 3 NATIONAL TIER 4 NON-LEAGUE TOTAL:
P W 25 1 13 3 12 2 43 5 42 8 34 11 169 30
D 4 0 1 5 3 6 19
L 5 4 1 11 10 0 31
AWAY
F A 6 16 7 8 8 4 27 35 29 35 42 15 119 113
W 3 1 4 5 9 10 32
D 4 2 0 4 5 2 17
L 8 3 4 13 7 5 40
F 16 5 18 26 26 30 121
A 31 6 14 42 30 20 143
TOTAL GOALS F A 22 47 12 14 26 18 53 77 55 65 72 35 240 256
NB. Three matches (1-1, 0-0 and a 3-1 win) played on neutral grounds are counted as away matches. Regional Tier 3 refers to the old Division 3 North, prior to the introduction of the Division 4.
On eleven occasions since 1945 Doncaster have defeated opposition from a higher division, and equally, on a further eleven occasions they have lost to lower level opposition. The most recent of these defeats came at home to Stevenage two years ago, whilst the last time Rovers defeated higher level opponents was as far back as 1998-99 in the club’s first season in the Conference when they won 1-0 at Southend courtesy of a goal from future manager Dave Penney.
The other three successes over top level sides came within a golden period of five years from 1951-52 to 1955-56 when Rovers reached the fifth round (or last 16) on four occasions as a Division Two club, defeating top-flight opposition in Middlesbrough (4-1 away in 1951-52), Sunderland (2-0 away in 1953-54) and in 1954-55 Aston Villa, at West Bromwich after an FA Cup record of four drawn games. A teenaged Alick Jeffrey scored two of Rovers goals in a 3-1 win in that tie, which was played only 24 hours after the fourth drawn match had taken place at Hillsborough. The next mach in the fifth round was just four days later and an exhausted Rovers bowed out 1-2 to Birmingham City before an attendance of 57,830; a record for Rovers in an FA Cup tie. Those four seasons in the early 1950s are still the only occasions Rovers have reached the fifth round of the FA Cup.
In the post war period 132 Rovers players have scored 238 goals between them in the FA Cup, with Peter Kitchen and Bert Tindill leading the way with nine each. They’re closely followed by Alick Jeffrey and Paul Todd with eight. There have been only two own goals, one by George Reilly of Cambridge United in 1982, and one by George Elokobi of Oldham last season - maybe we should target defenders called George more readily.
Since 1945 Rovers have been knocked out in the fourth round on five occasions, the third round 21 times, the second round on 12 occasions, the first round on 27 occasions, and in 2000-01 we lost to fellow Conference side Southport in the fourth qualifying round - the only time Rovers have failed to reach the first round.
There have been only two hat-tricks by Rovers players in the FA Cup - the first was by Jack Kirkaldie in the 5-0 win over Accrington Stanley in 1946. 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 34 AND 35 The other was by Glen Kirkwood, who scored four in the 7-0 win over Crook Town in 1999 - a match which also provided Rovers largest win since 1945. By a quirk of symmetry, if the period considered is extended to all 88 seasons Rovers have been members of the Football League or Conference, these two feats equal Rovers highest win and highest goalscorer in a match. This was first achieved in 1937 in a 7-0 win over another side from the North-east, Blyth Spartans, a match where Mick Kilhoury scored four goals. Coincidentally then all three hat-tricks scored by Rovers were by players whose surnames begin with K. Paul Keegan this year anyone? The highest number of FA Cup matches played by Rovers in a single season is seven in 1954-55 - including the five games with Aston Villa. The highest number of FA Cup ties won by Rovers in a season is three; to reach the fourth round in 1949-50, 1981-82 and 1984-85, and also to reach the second round in 1998-99, having started in the third qualifying round. The highest number of goals scored by Rovers in the FA Cup in a season since the war is 11 in 1946-47, and the highest by a player is four by Jack Kirkaldie in 1946-47, Paul Todd in 1949-50 and Glen Kirkwood in 19992000. Our largest FA Cup defeat is the 0-5 loss at Wolves in 2010-11, whilst at home our worst is a 0-4 loss suffered against Chesterfield in 1961-62 and more recently versus Bolton Wanderers in 2006-07.
Rovers’ highest home attendance in the FA Cup was the 30,436 who packed into Belle Vue for the visit of Tottenham Hotspur in 1955-56. Following the aforementioned crowd at Birmingham in 1954-55, the second highest crowd Rovers have played in front of in an FA Cup fixture is the 57,4440 at Highbury to see Arsenal triumph in 1952-53. At the other end of the scale, the lowest FA Cup crowd to see Doncaster Rovers in action was the 1,012 who saw the away win at Telford in a 2002 fourth qualifying round tie. The smallest home FA Cup crowd was recorded in 1988 as Rovers drew with non-league Brandon Town in front of 2,139 spectators. Surprisingly, given that low attendance, Brandon opted to play the replay at Belle Vue too, with the midweek replay inevitably attracting an even smaller crowd of only 1,832. Finally, following this season’s matches against Leeds and Burton, Rovers have now been faced with 13 penalty shootouts across their entire history, winning seven and losing six. Seven of the shootouts have been in the Football League Cup and five in the Associate Members Cup. The other was of course the memorable successful penalty shootout at Chester in the semi-final of the Conference playoffs in 2002-03. So Rovers have not yet experienced a penalty shootout in an FA Cup tie. Maybe this year might see the first time, after a Paul Keegan hat-trick earns a 3-3 draw?
BW
Caveat - no figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all The Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/or Barry Watson. 36
BANKSY UNVEILS DISMALAND 2; ‘ROTHERHAM’ Guerilla artist Banksy has caused further ripples in the art world by choosing to follow up his acclaimed Dismaland anti-theme park with another similar installation. Bleak, depressing and soul destroying – a constructed reality of the emptiness of existence, and a telling critique of the vacuousness of consumer society, Banksy calls this follow-up work; ‘Rotherham’.
Aside from an abandoned football ground, the focal point of ‘Rotherham’ is a desolate High Street of bookies, discount shops and boarded up department stores, which has had its founding purpose crushed by the establishment of an out of town retail and shopping park. Critics have heralded the work ‘a masterpiece in neo-realism’ and a ‘triumph in sculpture’, whilst another was moved to say ‘What are you talking about? This is Rotherhm. Who’s Banksy? No, we live here, we always have. What installation?’
Situated on what was previously waste-ground on the banks of the River Don, between Sheffield and Doncaster, Banksy’s emotive installation has managed to realistically recreate a devastated northern industrial town. The artist has worked to incredible detail; even filling the artwork with authentically soul-crushed inhabitants.
‘Rotherham’ is set to run until the year 2027 when it is predicted to be duly over-run with pestilence and abandoned.
FORRESTER NOT CURRENTLY SEEKING TRADESMAN A local tradesman expressed ‘concern’ at the lack of call for their service from an ordinarily desperate individual. He added ‘Lazy footballers keep many tradesmen afloat. The thought that one of them may’ve developed initiative of their own could have disastrous consequences for my livelihood’.
Users of the social network Twitter were today left stunned when Doncaster Rovers midfielder and infamous Yellow Pages refusnik, Harry Forrester, did not request the urgent services of a tradesman.
‘I just couldn’t quite believe it to be honest with you,’ commented tweeter and erstwhile c**t Danny Gobshite.
Forrester himself has been unavailable for comment, arousing suspicion that he’s probably nailed himself to his bathroom door trying to put up a towel rail. However, he is expected to release a string of indecipherable emoticons later this evening.
‘Normally he’s asking for a painter, or someone to build a website, but today nothing. It’s as if he’s found out how to use Google or summat.’
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REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE GOT A PROBLEM? GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU DESPERATE? IT’S REG IPSA LACK OF SHOUT EYE Dear Reg, I’ve been a South Stand regular for the last few years. However this season there seems to be lots of people singing, making noise and there’s a lad with a big drum as well. I’m hardly managing to sleep through the games at all anymore. Can I sue for distress and that? Pete Apnoea Sprotborough
REG RESPONDS I’ve thought of trying to get some deafness cases out of the South Stand but you’re on dodgy ground as you can always walk away. I’ve got an old Stewards coat you can use on match days. It smells a bit but at least you can wander about when it’s noisy. And you might get a free pie out of it. £20 and it’s yours.
BEARING UP Dear Reg,
LATIN CAN
Since the win against Leeds in the Cup I’ve taken to wearing my Rovers shirt to work wind up my Leeds fans supporting colleagues. However, I’ve now been disciplined at work for not taking it off when got out to take the coffin off the back of the hearse at the crematorium. Can I appeal?
Dear Reg, The missus has got us doing Latin Dance classes. We are both under five feet tall. I don’t mind but she insists I wear the tight outfits. Long story short, I’ve now got a hernia of the groin and ballbag. I can’t lunge or owt. Any advice to keep me grooving, and avoid hurting her feelings?
Paul Bearer, Carcroft
Percy Doble, Intake
REG RESPONDS
REG RESPONDS
Having lost my pet budgie, Dickov, last week I can understand that a grieving relative might not be chuffed to see a Rovers shirt. Can I suggest some of the new Rovers pants that they are selling on the market. You can still show your support as they say Rovers ‘til I die, although careful as the text gets lost a bit in your bum cleft so mine tend to say ‘Rove die’ these days.
I used to do a bit of ballroom in the seventies. And when I’d done in there I’d clean the bars too. Can I suggest you trying wearing some extended support pants that go from knee to chest. That will hold it all in and slim you down as well. I’ve pinched one of our Thorsten Stuckmann’s leg braces. It should do the trick. See me in the Red Lion.
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HB