EDITORIAL I’m at a wedding in Northern Ireland. Aside from my girlfriend I barely know anyone here. I’ve never been great at conversation, and so these situations generally terrify me. What to ask? What to say? Where to begin? I needn’t have worried. Everyone I’ve met is great fun; warm, welcoming and friendly. And I say that not simply because my girlfriend will read his – because she’s already confessed she probably won’t.
Adrian, it transpired, had once lived and worked with a Doncaster Rovers fan in Greece. ‘He only owned two shirts; a clean Doncaster shirt and a dirty Doncaster one, and he wore the first one until it became the latter.’ This connection, along with my having heard of Altona 93, the team he now watches in Hamburg, and a mutual dislike of Willie McKay, ensured that within just a few hours on from our initial meeting we’d be side by side propping up the bar doing more shots than could ever be sensible.
Among the many people introduced to me was Adrian, originally from Athlone, now based in Hamburg. When he found out I was from Doncaster his instinctive response was ‘DONNY! You don’t support Doncaster Rovers do you?’ ‘He edits the fanzine’ chipped in my girlfriend (I like to keep these things quiet, just in case Steve Evans is in ear-shot). And in reply to this Adrian let out a yell and insisted on having his photo taken with me. Safe to say, it wasn’t a reaction I was expecting. I mean I like to think I pull together a decent ‘zine, but still,
Why do I mention this? Because, prior to this chance meeting, I’d not really been looking forward to the new season. For the first August in years I wasn’t excited about football’s return. Why? I’m not wholly sure. It may’ve been a comedown from having an unexpectedly hedonistic time at Euro 2016 (pages 20-21), it might’ve been a world weariness about our impending return to the fourth tier (something shared by Rob Marshall (pages 14-15).
CONTENTS: ISSUE 83 5 10 12 13 14 16 19 20 22 23
The Bernard Glover Diaries Voice of the Pop Side Follows the Rovers Remembering the First Time Marshall Matters Go Away! How to be a Tosser on Matchday Beneath the Statue The Art of War Euro Tweety Sixteen
24 26 28 30 32 33 34 37 38 39 3
Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Howard’s Marks Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge For Peat’s Sake The Belles, The Belles Conference Calls Windmills of Your Mind A Stroll Down Bennetthorpe Reg Ipsa; Legal Beagle The Shirt Locker
In part it’s probably both these things, but chiefly I think, I was finding it increasingly hard to feel connected to my club. Before this wedding I’d attended a couple of early season non-league matches in London – at Clapton and Fisher – where I’d felt pangs of jealousy at the very real involvement of their supporters.
Distance is merely physical. In talking with Adrian – both sober and increasingly drunken – I realised I already have a greater connection with my club than most football fans could ever hope for. Being a Rovers fan had forged my outlook on life; it influenced the paths I’ve taken and the connections I’ve made.
Jealous of the collective liveliness and social awareness of Clapton’s Ultras, envious of Fisher’s celebrations as they proudly returned to their traditional home on the banks of the Thames. Throw in the incredible collective togetherness I felt as a Welshman in France this summer, and I was finding it hard to see how I could possibly recreate any of this with a club I’m usually 175 miles away from.
We each connect with our club in a different way. Adrian was a Tottenham fan, he’d always been a Tottenham fan, but he’d found himself at Altona games – over Hamburg or St Pauli – because it’s where he’d most felt part of something. In 1998 I found that at Belle Vue, and so deep down, despite changes in stadiums, in personnel or in outlooks I’ll never lose that bond. So, thanks to a chance encounter on the edge of a Fermanagh lake, I am looking forward to football once more. I may not be there every week, I may not know the in-jokes and the chants as well as I once did, but I’m ready to do it all over again. Ready to cast aside my locality and get behind my local club. Same as it always was. Us versus them. Doncaster versus the world, one town at a time.
But then by merely supporting Doncaster, by not turning my back on my home town club in the fifteen years I’ve spent living elsewhere I have established that connection. It marks me, and you, out as realists in an increasingly fantasy football world of success at all costs. If I’d supported a Premier League team where would that initial conversation have gone? Even if I’d supported Tottenham – as Adrian did – the best we could’ve hoped for was a vague shrug about Dele Alli’s form and an exchange of stories about the last time, or indeed only time, either of us had made it to White Hart Lane. Vague pleasantries and token statements. Talk about the football rather than proper football talk.
GW
Euro 2016 Charity Sweepstake A quick note of thanks to all who took part in our Euro 2016 charity sweepstake. Through this the fanzine raised £309 to support the new Yorkshire Women’s Aid provision in the town. This service has been reestablished by local campaigners following the closure of Doncaster Women’s Aid earlier in the year. 4
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES SUMMER DAYS, HAPPENED SO FAST. LUCKILY WE WERE ON HAND TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM FOR YOU SUNDAY 8 MAY ROVERS 0-0 BURTON ALBION
TUESDAY 17 MAY No great surprises as Rovers retained list is made known; Thorsten Stuckmann, Gary Mackenzie, Curtis Main, Dany N’Guessan, and Billy Whitehouse all find themselves on the transfer list; whilst Richard Chaplow and Nathan Tyson will also go after invoking relegation release clauses.
Before the solace of the summer, the last act in a tragi-comedy as Rovers took the curtain to mumble through an epilogue against Burton. The visitors needed only a point for promotion, Rovers were already down and so in an admirable f**k you to Sky Sports’ live coverage, the two teams conspired to produce a first half devoid of anything meriting even slightest note.
WEDNESDAY 18 MAY There is a welcome surprise coming the other way, however, as Darren Ferguson secures the services of Tommy Rowe on a three-year deal. The midfielder had impressed whilst on loan from Wolves last season, but most had assumed League Two to be a drop too far. A ‘statement of intent’ is what many are saying; but then we said that about Martin Woods.
You can’t help but recognise Andy Butler at the Keepmoat, he’s on every third poster. Yet until today I’d never noticed just how short his legs are for his body; it’s like he’s moving around on castors. He won a slide tackle early in the second half and I remain bemused by the physics of it. Albion had the game’s best chance; a one-on-one break that started on half-way and unfolded at the pace of a dream sequence in a straight-to-DVD sports film. Calum Butcher eventually reaching the goal only to for Remi Matthews to save with his legs.
FRIDAY 27 MAY Rovers continue to buck recent tradition by making impressive signings that will actually have time to meet their team-mates before playing alongside them. Defender Mathieu Baudry is the latest recruit; the captain of Leyton Orient becoming the third player to join from other League Two contenders in the space of a week, following goalkeeper Ross Etheridge from Accrington and winger Matty Blair who arrives from Mansfield.
Young William Longbottom came on from an Enid Blyton book to make his debut; impressing with some neat touches in midfield. Andy Williams fell over in the area. Nathan Tyson ran around. Aaron Taylor-Sinclair bumbled about before crocking himself. Same old, same old. Thank Christ it’s all over. 5
And he duly rolls back the years with some vintage link-up play with James Coppinger. The latter certainly seems to enjoy the familiar company as he opens the scoring with a fantastic free-kick; Longbottom, Rowe and Williams adding the other goals. Whilst speculation over Green’s future persists, Rovers do at least confirm the return of another midfielder as Riccardo Calder rejoins the club on a six-month loan from Aston Villa.
FRIDAY 3 JUNE According to the Free Press Darren Ferguson used a PowerPoint presentation to help lure his latest signing to the club. Wales under-21 defender Joe Wright from Huddersfield where presumably they’ve never seen the likes of a dissolve transition or a SmartArt flow chart.
TUESDAY 7 JUNE After drawn out discussions Gary McSheffrey finally commits to a full season at Rovers; sources are unclear as to whether it was Ferguson’s prowess with an Excel spreadsheet that finally tipped the balance.
THURSDAY 14 JULY Rovers chalk up their first set-back of 2016-17 nice and early with the news central defender Baudry is recovering from surgery on an achilles injury. ‘He’ll probably miss the start of the season, which is not good news,’ says Darren Ferguson, master of understatement.
MONDAY 13 JUNE Rovers are two letters away from a marquee signing, as John Marquis arrives from Millwall. The striker has spent six years at the Den but saw better form during a loan spell at Northampton; scoring six in fifteen.
SATURDAY 16 JULY ROVERS 0-2 MIDDLESBROUGH An unimpressive display from Rovers, as they’re comfortably outclassed by Premier League opposition. Stewart Downing opened the scoring for Middlesbrough, with Alex Pattison’s second half goal wrapping up the scoring.
TUESDAY 28 JUNE Lincoln-born Tyler Garrett takes the opportunity to move nearer to home by becoming Ferguson’s eighth signing; the 19-year-old left-back joining from Bolton on a three-year deal.
WEDNESDAY 20 JULY ROVERS 2-2 NEWCASTLE UNITED
TUESDAY 12 JULY ROSSINGTON MAIN 0-4 ROVERS
Half-time and it was all going so well; Rovers 2-0 to the good thanks to a brace from Andy Williams – a penalty and a close-ranger header. But then things started to go very, very wrong. Isaac Hayden brought Newcastle back into the game, but the real blows were being dealt on stretchers as both Harry Middleton and Craig Alcock had to be helped from the field.
Barely have we finished marvelling at Parisian moths and domestic football is back. But despite the new signings on show at Oxford Street all the talk is about a familiar looking fella in midfield. Paul Green, who’s training with the club following his release from Rotherham starts for Rovers. 6
Ayoze Perez equalised late on for Newcastle, but of greater concern was the extent of the injuries as it transpired Middleton and Alcock had both suffered ligament damage, with the latter likely to be out for the first three months of the season. With Wright (toe) and Joey McCormick (dislocated shoulder) also picking up injuries Rovers duly cancel the weekend’s planned friendly against Kidderminster.
JOHN MARQUIS
Buying some new bedding at the Lakeside; heading towards Next with what I assume to be his wife or girlfriend, couple of pillows and a duvet under their arms. @ChrisDonald92
TUESDAY 26 JULY YORK CITY 1-2 ROVERS It never rains but it pours as Luke McCullough limps out of his first Rovers friendly after barely quarter of an hour. Thankfully the rest of this outing was largely positive as Rowe and Blair struck a couple of impressive goals to secure a second win of preseason.
CRAIG ALCOCK
Trying to walk round John Lewis in Sheffield on cructhes, with his foot in a boot. On his own and looked pretty fed up. @DaveWrDGS196168
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
FRIDAY 29 JULY
In a barber shop on Copley Road. Looked too big for the chair. @Beetlebeard
With McCullough joining the walking wounded Rovers cancel their final friendly against Coventry in order to preserve the squad for the season opener. The speculation over whether Green will return is emphatically ended as he joins Oldham Athletic, whilst another player who’d been on trial – Yule Blair – also departs unsigned, returning to Cove Rangers. Meanwhile two of last season’s squad are also on the move; Tyson goes on trial at Port Vale, whilst Chaplow joins Orange County Blues, which I believe to be a soap opera about the Californian police.
DARREN FERGUSON
In the changing rooms at Nuffield. Had lost his locker; tried about six before finding his own. @ChrisDonald92
SUE SMITH
In the Decorators Caulk aisle at the Drakehouse Mill branch of Wickes @J_coope
PAUL KEEGAN
Cut me up as he pulled out of Crown Hotel. Think his injury problems come from collisions rather than matches. @Alexgibbings_
...CONTINUED ON PAGES 8 AND 9 7
BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES
SATURDAY 6 AUGUST ACCRINGTON STANLEY 3-2 ROVERS
CONTINUED FROM PAGES 6 AND 7
Good news; the football season is back! The bad news however is that it’s specifically the 2015-16 season that has returned. A missed penalty and the consolation of a late winner bringing a feeling of deja-vu to those who travelled to the Crown Ground. At least Rovers got the penalty miss out the way early; Williams seeing his effort saved by Aaron Chapman; the Stanley ‘keeper redeeming himself after bundling over Blair.
TUESDAY 2 AUGUST A massive blow for Rovers as it’s confirmed McCullough will miss the entire season with a cruciate ligament injury. The Northern Irishman’s form as a holding midfielder had been one of the few highlights of Rovers’ dismal 2015-16 campaign, and his unavailability is sure to disrupt Ferguson’s plans. In more upbeat news for the manager, he added a local non-league prospect to the squad with the fantastically named 18-year-old forward Alfie Beestin snapped up from Tadcaster Albion.
Despite that, there were still three goals in the opening half hour; the home side leading as Rommy Boco and Matty Pearson cancelled out Rowe’s weaving strike. The second half proved less eventful, but arguably more frustrating as Rovers had much of the play, but struggled to fashion chances until Liam Mandeville’s cross was turned home by Williams with eight minutes to go. Point secured you’d hope, but alas not. Accrington went where many of last season’s opponents had gone before them, and scored a late winner through Sean McConville’s excellent volley.
FRIDAY 5 AUGUST ‘We take the ability and fitness maybe a bit for granted, but what we’ve looked for above all else is plenty of good character in the new players,’ Dick Watson tells the Free Press on the eve of the new season. ‘That is what I’m looking for this season. Plenty of grit and pride in wearing the shirt.’ Well, it will certainly take some grit to pull on this season’s monstrosity of a shirt.
MONDAY 8 AUGUST
Elsewhere, the manager has a busy new-season-eve, with two loan signings. England under-21 international midfielder Jordan Houghton joins from Chelsea’s academy, whilst defender Niall Mason - one-time Real Madrid junior apparently – arrives from Aston Villa. Leaving Rovers however is Billy Whitehouse, the young winger’s departure to Leeds United confirmed by the club earlier in the week.
Dany N’Guessen makes a shock return to training – the shock being that he is still a Rovers player, as I’d assumed he’d been snuck out a back door at some point in July. Alas not, although as Darren Ferguson tells the local press; ‘I think at this stage I’ve made it clear he’s not in my plans’.
8
TUESDAY 9 AUGUST ROVERS 1-2 NOTTINGHAM FOREST
TUESDAY 16 AUGUST ROVERS 1-0 CAMBRIDGE UNITED
As sure as night follows day, Rovers will concede an injury-time winner. Which is a shame, because this game generally represented a marked improvement on Saturday’s display at Accrington. Behind at the break to David Vaughan’s fantastic volley, Rovers gradually asserted themselves on the game in the second half. Williams and Marquis each went close before Liam Mandeville scrambled in an equaliser. But, just as extra time loomed Rowe appeared to be fouled outside the Forest box. The referee waved away claims of a free-kick and Forest broke; Jamie Paterson finding James Ward whose low drive beat Marko Marosi.
Rovers were bright and purposeful from the off against a physical but ultimately lacklustre Cambridge. However, when John Marquis went down easily on eight minutes for a penalty he then failed to convert it seemed the footballing Gods still intent on having fun at Rovers’ expense. Thankfully Rovers upped the tempo after the break, and Marquis was unlucky to see two efforts cleared off the line before a lengthy delay when the assistant referee was taken ill. When play finally resumed Rovers carried on their momentum as Blair’s excellent cross was headed in at the far post by Marquis for the winner – though it took a late Butler goal-line clearance to protect the points.
SATURDAY 13 AUGUST ROVERS 1-1 CRAWLEY TOWN In a mark of the summer squad upheaval seven players made their home league debut for Rovers as Ferguson tried to crowbar those not injured into his preferred 3-5-2 formation. The players may’ve been fresh but the feelings were all too familiar as Crawley led at the break; James Collins tapping home from close range.
SATURDAY 20 AUGUST CHELTENHAM TOWN 0-1 ROVERS A third successive game without conceding in injury-time, a first away win since the 2 January, first back to back wins since the same date, first consecutive clean sheets since last November. It speaks volumes of how bad last season truly was when such a relatively routine away win such as this breaks so many hoodoos. Up against that rarest of things – a team with a red and white home kit worse than ours – Rovers started brightly in the first half but had to wait until the second for the crucial goal. Coppinger’s delightful slide-rule pass was taken in his stride brilliantly by Marquis, who used is second touch to sweep the ball into the bottom corner. The Robins rallied, but Rovers thankfully didn’t wilt.
Thankfully there was swift improvement in the second half and Coppinger swpet in an equaliser with a first-time strike from Blair’s corner. ‘It’s not about systems; 3-5-2 is a good system,’ said Ferguson after the match. ‘It’s about how you use a system to exploit a weakness in a team,’ just a shame that too often it seems to be the opposition exploiting Rovers’ weaknesses in using it. 9
GW
VOICE OF THE POP SIDE SIMPLY REARRANGING THE DECKCHAIRS? JOHN COYLE LOOKS AT THE FA’S PROPOSED ‘WHOLE GAME SOLUTION’ Back in the 1970s and 1980s there were certain things in football you could rely on: blazing sunshine on the opening day of the season, Liverpool winning at least one trophy and a muddy pitch at Derby’s Baseball Ground. Another hardy perennial was a debate about restructuring the Leagues, usually involving the late Jimmy Hill. Since the formation of the Premier League in 1992 such discussions have tended to subside, the last change being the reduction of the top flight to 20 clubs in 1995.
Of the six lowest League attendances at the Keepmoat Stadium last season, four came in games played on a Tuesday night. Other clubs have similar experiences and it is particularly felt in the Championship where international breaks mean a large number of midweek games. For example, a glance at Wolverhampton Wanderers fixture list for 2016-17 reveals nine Tuesday night matches, a number that may rise because of Cup rearrangements and postponements. The EFL claim that if this new structure was implemented from 2019-20 (the proposed start date) there would be a need to schedule only one midweek fixture per club.
However, back in May, just as the season drew to a close, the Football League, or the EFL as it now likes to call itself, published a discussion document entitled ‘A Whole Game Solution,’ which sets out proposals for radical changes to the structure of the top domestic Leagues in England. As these affect all 72 clubs in the Football League, they deserve serious debate. Yet so far they have hardly had a mention.
There has been surprisingly little reaction to date, possibly because 2019 seems a long way away. Some clubs, especially those in Leagues One and Two, have expressed concern about a loss of revenue from matches, and it is true that these clubs are more dependent on match day receipts than the Championship clubs with their TV money. The EFL proposal claims clubs will not be worse off, although they have yet to set out how this is to be achieved. Any redistribution of TV funds, while welcome, is likely to be resisted by the Championship sides.
The EFL proposes replacing the current four-division set-up with five divisions, each of 20 clubs. So instead of 92 clubs making up the Premier League and Football League, there would be exactly 100. The principal aim of this change is to reduce fixture congestion and to cut the number of midweek games, many of which are poorly attended. 10
For a start, the Premier League is unaffected, yet fixture congestion is arguably a bigger problem there than in the Football League, particularly for those clubs with European commitments. A better solution for the game as a whole might be to reduce the Premier League to 18 clubs, meaning that the size of the professional game as a whole would be 98 clubs rather than 100.
Another concern is the identity of the eight new clubs that will be brought into the League. Two will be found by retaining the bottom two sides in League Two in 2018-19 (who would play in League Three), but where the other six will be found is unclear. The sensible solution would be to import six additional National League sides, many of which have full-time professional set-ups. But of course there have been suspicions about the introduction of Scottish sides, or more seriously, B Teams from top Premier League clubs. Those suspicions have hardly been quelled by the controversial inclusion of some Category One Academy sides in this season’s EFL Trophy, while the League’s maladroit handling of that issue also questions the organisation’s ability to manage the enormous change involved in their Whole Game Solution.
However, such are the rewards of the Premier League that current member clubs and those with aspirations to play there in future are unlikely to favour this solution. (The same objections are likely to apply to the reduction in size of the Championship, by the way.) The uncertainty over the identity of the “new” clubs is also a cause for concern. I will not be attending any EFL Trophy games this season following the introduction of what are effectively B Teams. I would feel much the same about the proposed League Three if B Teams were to be included in that. Finally, there is one other big concern that I have: that the EFL’s biggest customers - the fans - are not being properly consulted. At a recent Supporters’ Summit, the new EFL Chairman, Ian Lenigan, said that it would be up to clubs to consult their supporters, and that any consultations would need to be completed by February 2017. That doesn’t give a lot of time for fans to discuss something that will have a huge impact on them and their clubs.
My thoughts on this issue is that the EFL’s proposals have some merit and are worthy of consideration. There is no doubt that midweek games are poorly attended and those in the winter months may actually lose money for some clubs when the costs of staging the matches are taken into account. Playing fewer games that were better spread out might enable clubs to save costs by reducing the size of their squads. The quality of football might improve if players were only generally required to perform at their peak once a week. I do, though, have some serious reservations.
A Whole Game Solution surely needs buy-in from the Whole Game, doesn’t it?
JC
11
FOLLOWS THE ROVERS MIKE FOLLOWS WONDERS WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SOME OF ROVERS LIKELY LADS? Some days he’d spend upwards of thirty pounds playing the ducks and he found it increasingly difficult to conceal the plastic swords, sucker-dart archery sets, flammable gonks and several hundred goldfish that came of his addiction, in his maisonette.
This season I’ll be catching up with some former Rovers players and staff to find out what’s been going on in their lives since they left the club. If there’s a particular Rover you’ve ever wondered what happened to, feel free to write in and let us know, and I’ll find out what they’ve been up to.
When the upstairs neighbours complained about a strong fishy smell, he explained it away as a problem with the drains, but his behaviour became more erratic and the police were finally alerted when he was found in the middle of the road at two in the morning making love to a fivefoot toy panda with a candy floss afro wig stuck to his head.
First in the series is hard-man midfielder, Kevin Hulme. Hulme joined the Rovers from Bury for £42,500 in July 1993 and went back to the Shakers for the same fee a year later. His one season at Doncaster was the most prolific of his career with eight goals coming from 34 appearances. We caught up with Hulme, now aged 48, on a park bench in his home town of Bolton.
Having hit rock bottom, Hulme sought help to get his life back on track and thanks to a recommendation from his therapist, and a regular prescription for strong anti-psychotic drugs, he found solace in art. Hulme developed a talent for painting and can now be found in pubs from Bolton to Tyldesley selling his exquisite acrylic on canvas pictures of a topless Shakira riding a mutant space octopus into battle with the Greater Manchester Police.
After retiring from football in 2002, Kev struggled to find a job in which his skills of ‘being menacing. and ‘grunting’ were required. He spent some time working in a customer services call centre for TalkTalk but he missed the physical side of football. Outside of work, Kev found pleasure looking for fights at fun fairs but he got distracted by the side games and soon developed a serious hook-a-duck addiction.
Hulme still looks out for Rovers’ results and says he would like to visit the Keepmoat one day, just as soon as his restraining order barring him from being within 300 yards of Caroline Flint MP has expired. 12
MF
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME OUR POPULAR SERIES CONTINUES AS DAN NICE REMEMBERS A DISTANT TRIP TO WALSALL My memories of the actual game are fairly sketchy. I remember my old man telling me to look out for somebody who was virtually anonymous throughout, that we struggled to pass the ball to each other and never really looked like scoring. Start as you mean to go on, and all that.
Saturday 31 October, 1992 Walsall 3-1 Doncaster Rovers Memories of the very first occasion I saw Doncaster Rovers in the flesh were evoked last season on a sunny afternoon in the West Midlands. I probably should have remembered my first time regardless but it provided a helpful trigger. I had seen Rovers lose by two clear goals at Walsall on Halloween in 1992 and then, almost 23 years to the day, our ghoulish defending resulted in a similar setback.
We took our seats among the home fans as my dad didn’t want to expose me to the away end culture at that early stage of my supporting career. I remember he wasn’t too disappointed with the outcome because ‘you don’t always see your team score a goal away from home’. It came courtesy of a penalty, so even the best part of 24 years ago, when we were genuinely rubbish with few resources, we could still score from 12 yards.
The only difference – the major factor – was that the first visit was with my old man whereas last year I made the trip alone, listening to a Walsall fan dissect our performance on the train home. ‘I had a look at your squad on paper and it looked good but you were absolutely crap,’ he said. I tried to find a counter argument but he had pretty much hit the nail on the head.
The fact that we couldn’t do that two minutes into the 2016-17 season probably sums up my love for Doncaster Rovers. All of the hope that built up over the pre-season months evaporated within 120 seconds, and although it was regained within most of the minutes that follow, it then disappeared again, right at the death, with a gentle ripple of the net.
I’ve come to realise that throughout my years of travelling around the country watching Donny from my Leicester base, the relationship built with my father was more important than the results. Something happened that day that meant my dad and I, for many years, would spend every Saturday afternoon watching football together. I’ll always be grateful that Donny gave us that common purpose.
At Accrington Stanley, who are they? Yet somehow I wouldn’t have it any other way. The more things change in this world, it’s reassuring that one of the things I love stays the same. 13
DN
MARSHALL MATTERS FAILURE OR OPPORTUNITY? ROB MARSHALL CONTEMPLATES ROVERS RETURN TO THE FOURTH TIER Match of the Day had long extolled the virtues of Sparky and his Premier League peers to me, but it wasn’t until they were all there in front of me, and I could watch Hughes holding the ball up and the effective movement of him and his compatriots off the ball with my own eyes, that I was able to see just how different a place life outside Division Four was.
I won’t deny, following the end of last season I spent a good few weeks bemoaning the approach of a season in English football’s basement. League Two, or the Fourth Division in proper money, is upon us once more and the thought of it filled me with a little dread. I began watching Rovers at the latter end of the 1980s and so my entire football upbringing was devoted to examining the game at its lowest level. Yet one Saturday afternoon, when Rovers were away, I remember being taken to Hillsborough to watch a top tier game.
I’ve spent the weeks ahead of this season trying to reason how, having been spoiled by our recent expeditions up the football pyramid, I will cope with the drop in status our latest relegation has bestowed on us. I arrogantly mourned the loss of ‘decent football’ and now I’ve spiralled back into those despairing depths, back where previously I’d endured such ineptitude, before we, and I, finally managed to escape.
Here my eyes were opened quickly, and noisily, to the fact that other football games had packed crowds and big grounds, and that the exponents on the pitch actually passed the ball about. I had seen players ‘passing’ the ball at Belle Vue, but this was different, here the ball was actually delivered accurately into feet and, when a defender got it, it wasn’t immediately smashed as far up field as possible.
Thinking back, my heart sank as I recalled the nine consecutive years in the 1990s where we did not win a single FA cup tie, and being top on New Year’s Day 1991 only to heartbreakingly blow it all and finish 11th. The terrible start to the following year, with one win from the first 21 games; all this without mentioning the totally different breed of crap in 1997-98. It had been a spell where we constantly lurched from one crisis to another, both on and off the field.
I will never forget watching in genuine amazement at the quality of Mark Hughes who that afternoon played up top as a fearsome target man. Up until then I had never seen anything like it, despite the many seasons of live ‘action’ I’d watched at Belle Vue. 14
The famous Alick Jeffrey and Laurie Sheffield partnership whose goals delivered the 1966 title, and the Peter Kitchen and Brendan O’Callaghan combination that stunned Anfield and so nearly beat the best in the country. All of that occurred from the bottom of the Football League. Even our most recent appearance at this level in 200304 saw an unlikely title delivered along with a new points record so surely it can’t be all bad down here?
And so I worried not so much about the quality of football played by those already here, which I suppose is unfair as League Two has plenty of talent, but more by where it suggests we find ourselves as a club. The bottom, is that really where we are now, back there again? I began to question whether I had the stomach for more of it, yet another spell of being the perennial bridesmaids and the end of the club’s most successful period ever, before I realised a couple of truths.
The reality is that along with all the rubbish I have sat through at this level, there have been as many moments to enjoy; to scarcely believe and to laugh at. All of which go towards making supporting Rovers the rich and glorious vocation it is. With this in mind, I have decided to try and abandon my pessimistic, realist approach and try to embrace this season for what it is - another season supporting my team.
The first being that we were crap last year (let’s be totally honest, at times really, really bad), and the year before. So if it is quality I am after then I’m in the wrong place. Just as I was in the 1980s and 1990s. It didn’t stop me then, and won’t stop me now, so there must be more to it. The second realisation was that largely, all the best things, all the bright spots in the history of the club, all seemed to take place in, or begin in, the bottom division. Tom Keetley’s record 180 goals for the club came between 1923 and 1929, during which the club played every year in the bottom tier Third Division North. The famous team of 1946-47, which broke a host of records (most wins in a season, most points in a season, most goals in a season, highest individual goals in a season for Clarrie Jordan’s haul of 42.
I enjoyed that afternoon I spent as a kid watching the Premier League, but even then I couldn’t wait to get back to Belle Vue, to watch proper football again. However long we are here, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, because I will still be watching. And with this in mind I have decided to think of it not as the ending of a glorious period, but as the beginning of another one.
RM
BERNARD GLOVER’S
BELIEVE IT or NOT Former Rovers centre-back Ian Gore is now a celebrated spoken word poet and recently enjoyed a successful run at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with his one-man retrospective ‘Blood and Gore’ 15
GO AWAY! OUR ENTIRELY DISPENSABLE GUIDE TO ROVERS’ AWAY GAMES RETURNS FOR LEAGUE TWO
Crewe Alexandra
Arguably the most depressing flag in football
Gresty Road 3 September
The town of Crewe was formed around the railway, as the people of Cheshire gathered to touch the ‘mystical shiny horses from the south’. Eventually Joseph Locke chose to ‘consolidate the railway colony’ and planned out a town; making Crewe little more than a trainspotter refugee camp. The town was actually named after the train station which preceded it, much like Llandudno Junction in Wales, and the Scottish village of Sevenquidforteandafuckingsarnie.
What’s the stadium like? In 1999, as the Millennium approached, the country chose to celebrate its arrival by constructing two huge monuments. Oversized venues which could be seen from miles around and stand for years to come as a testament to misplaced optimism. One was the Millennium Dome, the other the Main Stand at Crewe’s Gresty Road. On a good day those seated in the giant hulking white elephant can see as far as Winsford. On a bad day they can see the pitch.
In the cult 1984 Cold War drama Threads, Crewe was destroyed by a single megaton Soviet Union nuclear weapon. For its time the programme was remarkably true to life, depicting a vacant, desolate wasteland bereft of humanity and hope. And then the bomb hit.
Away fans are housed in the Ice Cream Van Stand, so called because it is actually 17 old converted Mercedes Sprinters welded together, and is stewarded by men in white coats who make inappropriate jokes to young mums about whether they want nuts. Unfortunately the view of the pitch isn’t the best as you have to watch through a sliding glass window, and the Railway End goal is obscured by a couple of fading stickers for a Strawberry MiniMilk and an Orange Sparkles.
What’s it famous for? Aside from the railway, 1990s two-hit wonders Dario G hail from Crewe, where they continue to live on the royalties of Carnival de Paris in a luxurious penthouse above Les’s Fish Bar. There is a crater on Mars named after Crewe, but as I’ve already done one desolate wasteland gag we’ll say no more about it. 16
Morecambe
What’s the stadium like?
Globe Arena 10 September
In 2010 Morecambe elected to move away from their traditional home of Christie Park, with its tiny, open pitchside terrace, singular seated stand and old school terraces at either end, and take the opportunity to build a new stadium, a modern facility to reflect the progressive nature of the club. And so now they play at the Globe Arena, complete with a tiny, open pitchside terrace, a singular seated stand and old school terraces at either end. . The ground holds just under 6,500 fans, or so they’ve been told.
This Lancashire coastal town was originally known as Bartholomew, but in 1948 changed its name to Morecambe in honour of comedian Eric Morecambe. Initially comprised of a number of small hamlets, by the mid 20th Century the town of Morecambe had grown from these discarded cigars into a popular seaside resort. From 1956 to 1989 Morecambe played host to Miss Great Britain, although to be honest she was past her best in the later years. Morecambe Bay is the largest expanse of mudflats and sand in the UK, ranking just ahead of the pitch at the Keepmoat Stadium at the back end of the 2012-13 season.
An early pilot in a secret government scheme to make football fans embark on a healthier lifestyle, the away end at the Globe Arena has earned notoriety for the incredibly thin turnstiles and narrow concourses of its away end
What’s it famous for? Morecambe Bay is famous for its Potted Shrimps, which are by appointment to the Queen; though given it takes me over a week to get in at my GP, I can’t see the likelihood of shellfish getting it at Buckingham Palace all that easily. The books are probably full up with swans until a week next Tuesday. Famous faces from Morecambe include comedian Eric Morecambe, a statue of whom stands on the promenade, and Thora Hird who is similarly immortalised halfway down the stairs of the Midland Hotel on a bronze Stannah. Morecambe can also lay claim the oldest living professional footaballer given that their squad this season contains Kevin Ellison, who is surely now, at least 73 years old. 17
GO AWAY!
CONTINUED FROM PAGES 16 AND 17
Luton Town
Kenilworth Road 24 September Luton is synonymous with the hatmaking industry which took off in the 17th Century. Hats are still produced in the town today, but on a much smaller scale, making them suitable only for babies, pets and Mr Potato Head. The football club is still nicknamed The Hatters, but have thus far sadly failed to adopt the motto ‘Hatters gonna hat’.
What’s the stadium like?
Luton Airport is one of the busiest in the UK, meaning that the majority of people who travel to Luton do so in order to get as far away from the place as possible.
There is little to no leg room, views are obstructed, none of the stands look the same, the toilets are tiny, the seats are faded, the roof probably leaks and its completely wedged in between terraced houses. It’s a shithole. And it is therefore the most perfect football ground in the League. Luton Town have recently announced plans for a shiny new 17,000 capacity stadium featuring retail outlets and, probably, luxury apartments too. I have made it my life’s mission to scupper these plans.
What’s it famous for? Hats aside - or askew if you prefer – Luton is the birthplace of cricketer Monty Panesar, and British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain. David Renwick, the writer behind Jonathan Creek, is also from Luton; for years people thought he was from Dunstable, but according to Alan Davies, that’s due to a cunning use of two-way mirrors.
Away supporters are housed in the Oak Road end of the ground, which is accessed via two of the street’s terraced houses – it’s not meant to be, but ever since several hundred QPR fans charged through the front room of number 93 in 1986, just as the Thompson family were settling down to watch Allo Allo, the residents have been too polite to say otherwise.
These days the town is synonymous with, among other things, the EDL and Easyjet. One is an unpleasant single-minded organization who choose to ignore the general basic rights of the people to instead impose their own simplified approach onto society, whilst the other… well… you can add your own punchline. 18
GW
A GUIDE TO BEING A TOSSER ON MATCHDAYS UNSURE HOW TO BE A GRADE A TOSSER? NO WORRIES DAVE WAUGH HAS PUT TOGETHER A HANDY GUIDE When attending away matches, disguise yourself by wearing a Burberry scarf, a little black jacket and no club colours. No-one will realise that you and your twenty identicallydressed chums are football fans.
Once in the town of the opposition, chant at every opportunity, being sure to include as many expletives in the songs as possible in order to offend the maximum number of locals. Inside the ground, stand up in front of other fans, especially the elderly and children, to ensure they cannot see the match and are left in no doubt that you are a Grade A Tosser.
Always travel by train and be sure to carry a large box of tasteless but strong lager. No-one will suspect you are an under-age drinker, even though you have acne and try to pay half fare.
If Rovers score (unlikely, but it has happened), let off flares with acrid, coloured smoke, which drives away other supporters and leaves you with more room for tosserly activities.
Amuse your fellow passengers by seeing how many times you can insert the F-word into each sentence you speak with ever-increasing volume, as the Euro fizz relaxes your inhibitions.
If the opposition score, encourage Rovers by chanting amusing things like We’re f*&%ing sh*&. It gives the players a real lift to know you are getting behind them.
Remember that people who are trying to read, get babies to sleep or complete puzzles love to hear loud chants of Yorkshire, Yorkshire or We’re the Donny Boys Makin’ All the Noise.
Be sure to abuse stewards by chanting things like Get a Proper Job. That must literally never cease to amuse them as they collect their minimum wage with taxes deducted to pay for your education.
Don’t forget to leave empty bottles and other litter all over the carriage to let subsequent passengers know what a good time you have had. As soon as you descend from the train at your destination, be sure to burst into a chant of Doncaster, Doncaster, Doncaster, just to let the locals know which town should be proud of having you as a resident. Remember a technicolour yawn on the platform, relieving yourself of lager and pasties, always endears you to station staff.
To paraphrase Rudyard Kipling: If you can be annoying every minute, With idiotic pride in all you’ve done, Yours is the stadium, and all that’s in it. And – which is more – You’ll be a Tosser, my son!
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DW
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE EDITOR GLEN WILSON RECALLS A SUMMER SPENT HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE FOLLOWING WALES AT EURO 2016 In Toulouse, in the eruption of celebration which followed Aaron Ramsey’s opening goal against Russia, the guy who had previously been standing on his chair behind me somehow ended up lying on the floor beneath my seat. As I went to help him up, he yelled back ‘Leave me, leave me here; it’s the happiest I’ve ever been’. That was Euro 2016 for Welsh supporters. Each time we thought we were at the pinnacle – that this would be as good as it ever got – our team found a means to take us up another level. I can’t imagine how that guy coped with the knock-out stages. They’re probably still trying to prise him off a seat in Lille’s Stade PierreMauroy. There were exactly eight months between Wales’ historic qualification for Euro 2016, and their opening match. It never felt anywhere near enough time to brace ourselves. Football-wise there was no pressure, but this was the realisation of a lifelong dream. And so a fear niggled at our minds as we arrived in France. A concern that it wouldn’t live up to the billing. A worry that 15,000 extra away supporters would bring trouble, or angst. That those who’d never travelled away with Wales before wouldn’t get it.
Those worries were resolutely quashed in Bordeaux. The city’s streets and squares were awash with sunshine and red shirts as Wales fans made themselves at home and Bordeaux, rather than resent or tolerate this invasion, embraced it. ‘The Welsh are numerous, noisy, sometimes a bit unruly, but generally peaceful. It seems they hold their beer better than others,’ commented L’Equipe in praise of the ‘magnificent’ Welsh support. It was a welcome replicated wherever the tournament took us. We were celebrated as we danced to the Manic Street Preachers at 2am in a Toulouse bar, we were applauded as we sang Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau on the Paris Metro, we were even cheered as we drunkenly cycled through Bordeaux at 4am chanting ‘Hal Robson-Kanu’. Bordeaux delivered all we’d ever hoped an opening game could. Blue skies and sunshine; a holiday postcard afternoon in the most beautiful stadium ever constructed. We’d gone to France hoping to maybe win a game, perhaps just score a goal; the tournament was less than 24 hours old and we’d already done both. The celebrations were riotous as Welsh fans perched on statues and danced around fountains, whilst in an alley Welsh and French fans were interchangeably thrown in the air by a giddy crowd that included an ecstatic Malcolm Allen. 20
I’d never before seen as many Belgian supporters as I saw in Lille for the quarter-final, and I’ve watched Wales in Brussels twice. The whole nation spilled over the border; high-spirited and remarkably confident. It was expected that we would end the night going home, instead we found ourselves in a disbelieving, screaming blur of arm-flailing, stranger-hugging, seat-tumbling red as Robson-Kanu delivered a Cruyff turn so devastating all of Belgium shifted two metres East.
Lens and England was inevitably a world away; rarely relaxed and shorn of the joyous interaction with residents that made the overall tournament experience. Though there was much blissful dancing in the stadium concourse at half-time with Wales 1-0 up, we were ultimately left reassuring ourselves ‘we’ll always have Bordeaux’. We needn’t have. Ahead of the final group game the word ‘permutations’ echoed through Toulouse cafes. Yet in all the hours spent calculating how Wales might progress, no-one had allowed for the most dominant Welsh football performance in history. When you’ve spent your entire international football supporting life wrapped in a safety blanket of gallows humour and cynicism it’s not easy to cast aside all doubt, yet only ten minutes had gone when the fella behind me landed on my heels and already I knew it was simply a matter of how many Wales would score.
The semi-final defeat, lacklustre as it was, could be labelled ‘what if?’ But why dissect what might have been, when you can scarcely believe what was? To me and thousands of others, as we sang on beyond full-time in Lyon, it was purely an extension of the togetherness between supporters and players. For years I’ve found it increasingly difficult to identify with professional footballers and their growing debasement from reality. With Wales there is no such concern, because the players identify with me. Human and humble, they got what being there meant to every Wales fan, and like us loved every moment. ‘We’re a group of players having the time of our lives,’ Chris Gunter told the press; it could’ve been said by any one of us.
Enveloped in UEFAland, we were obscured from the full impact of Wales’ success, but signals slowly crept through. Waitresses and hoteliers no longer asked if we were from England, whilst L’Equipe found cause to explain to its readership the notion of ‘sheepshagging’.
I’ve heard it said the tournament was poor, but that ignores the inherent subjectivity of watching football. Over the tournament’s entirety I spent only 15 minutes - those following Daniel Sturridge’s winner for England - experiencing anything other than joy. Euro 2016 may not’ve made for good TV, but rubbish it was not, and for every moribund opinion-piece, you’ll find thousands of Welsh fans empathising with Gunter.
After winning beautifully in Toulouse Wales won ugly in Paris, but that didn’t prevent tears streaming from my own eyes or those around me in the Parc des Princes. A quarter-final place, no matter how it’s reached, was still the best we’d ever known, and beyond all we’d ever dreamed of.
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GW
THE ART OF WAR FOOTBALL AS A LESS DEADLY FORM OF COMBAT. LAZARUS GETS A TOUCH DISTRACTED There’s a point in human history, perhaps not as long ago as you might expect, where people collectively began to decide that fighting maybe wasn’t such a great thing.
The best solution we’ve managed to come up with to date however, is sport. All sport is simply warfare with rules, intended as an alternative means of satisfying our competitive territorial urges without it eventually descending into us killing each other. I find it’s always important to maintain this level of perspective when considering success or failure in any kind of sport. Losing 3-0 at Port Vale may be upsetting, but bear in mind that having your heads paraded around Burslem on spikes after the game as a warning to other tribes, would be more so.
It was a controversial conclusion – after all, had our species not learned to fight our way to the top of the food chain, somewhere along the line we would have become food. And so it was, survival became reliant upon combat, first with the animal kingdom, and then with each other. Centuries of evolution honed our instincts and skills in such a way that fighting felt natural. It was one of the primary reasons we developed into tribes and societies – strength in numbers; come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.
That’s not to suggest that sport is ultimately meaningless, a kind of primal wankbank that stops us remembering that we’re cave-dwelling sociopaths. Any of us who’ve had any long-term involvement with a sports team understands that it can become all-encompassing. For many it will reach the point that it becomes an extended part of their self, a solid facet of their overall identity.
Miraculously, in spite of all this, we also simultaneously evolved a sense of morality. We learned to care as well as to kill, a paradox which left us with a certain amount of frustration. What to do with all that testosterone? All those thoughts of pummelling the skulls of those heathens in the nearby village for daring to consider their miniature society was in a way superior to ours?
Of course sport is important – it means a great deal to a large expanse of the planet’s population, so how could it not be? Whether it be the Olympics or the World Cup, sport is something that makes people care, and it goes further than most other things in helping to show all of us that we have more in common with our international neighbours than perhaps we realise. In times such as we now find ourselves, this point is more relevant than ever.
It became necessary for humanity to find a compromise, a way of channelling our evolutionary psychosis into something less gruesome than warfare. Humans have accomplished some incredible things down the centuries so far, but as yet we still haven’t quite managed to pull this one off successfully. 22
So it would be wrong to dismiss the emotional impact that sport can leave on us, likewise its educational value. My father once told me that sport teaches us many of life’s important lessons – the benefits of teamwork, the art of winning or losing gracefully, tradition, the notion of fair play; along with its unfortunate caveat that sometimes fate conspires against you. Because that’s the problem; even the greatest warriors are just as likely to be randomly struck by lightning as anyone else. Sometimes you get a perfect storm of fatefulness, like when Rovers hosted Portsmouth and Mick Russell and Dave Kitson brought about an incredible sporting hybrid of football, basketball, and Muay Thai that not even the craziest of Gods could’ve foreseen. Sometimes you will lose, even if it’s nobody’s fault. It’s as guaranteed as death or taxes. Someone has to lose, and sometimes it will be you. This, however, is the true genius of sport itself as the alternative to warfare. Whereas with the latter, losing essentially means death, in sport you can lose yet still live to fight another day. We can have our cake and eat it. Much as people love to indulge in endless games of one-upmanship with rival fans, no longer do the victors get to write history, so the only thing in sport that really is meaningless is the notion that defeat is the end of the world. Everyone gets to play again, and in doing so demonstrates why sport is simply a celebration of life itself, and humanity’s victory over death. Sorry about that, I got side-tracked there. What was it you asked me? How do I feel about Rovers being relegated last season? So fucking what. Tomorrow is another day.
DJL
Croatia 1-0 Turkey
Austria 0-2 Hungary
England 2-1 Wales
France 2-1 Ireland
England 1-2 Iceland
Wales 3-1 Belgium
France 5-2 Iceland
France 0-1 Portugal
23
JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE THINK NEW FOOTBALL LEAGUE TEAMS ARE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR? JACK THE MINER CERTAINLY DOESN’T ‘Don’t look down.’
If you’re weary of the same old established clubs and want to see a team you’ve not seen before, just wait for the early rounds of the FA Cup. It’s what it’s for.
It’s good advice. I looked down today and wish I hadn’t. Look down and you’ll see the Conference. Call it the National League if you want to, although I’m old enough to remember it being the Alliance which caused much laughter years later when the Klingon, Lieutenant Worf of Star Trek Deep Space 9, announced they were under attack from members of the Alliance. I wondered what the part-timers of AP Leamington and Redditch United were doing anywhere near a former Cardassian space station near the Bajoran wormhole.
I mean, what have these refreshing, exciting, novelty new teams ever done for the greater good of football? How about Maidstone United? Sold their ground, bought promotion out of the proceeds, had to play their games at Dartford and when the League blocked a takeover that would see a ludicrous merger of the club with Newcastle Blue Star in the north east, the club subsequently went belly up. Welcome to the democratic world of free movement between the League and non-league.
I hadn’t intended to look down, but when relegation was certain, some of my fellow Rovers fans got a bit excited about who might pop up from the football underworld and join us in League Two. Someone commented that it would be good if it was Forest Green Rovers on the basis that it’d ‘be nice to have a change and see a new name in the Football League’.
Kidderminster, Macclesfield, Dagenham & Redbridge? All tried. All failed. And while I admire the bounce-backability of Barnet who have crawled into the League on three separate occasions it would be a brave man to bet against their third relegation in the next year or two.
Now then, it’s nice to have a change of real ale on the bar of your local. It’s nice to have a new shirt to go out in now and then. It’s nice to refresh the bedroom with a lick of paint. I don’t accept it’s ‘nice’ to see a new name in the elite of the Football League.
Boston United, as we know, crawled back under their slimy stone; their reputation in tatters, they haven’t been able to look anyone in the eye since and probably never will. 24
OK, there are exceptions. Wycombe are an established part of the League landscape now and although it’s early days Burton Albion have been a success story, but after 30 years of automatic promotion from the Conference it’s hard to argue that new blood has invigorated the lower echelons of the Football League.
Rushden & Diamonds, the rich man’s plaything that football genius Mark Lawrenson once reckoned could ‘go all the way’ really did go all the way... to non-existence. Other millionaire’s private toys have, sadly, made it to the promised land but the weight of gravity is pulling heavily on Crawley, as it surely will on Fleetwood. Let’s be grateful that other passing amusements of the wealthy such as Histon fell short as soon as the money dried up, as it did at Grays, Hornchurch and other remote outposts. We can only hope Forest Green will fall short too. Their plans to build a 10,000 seater stadium in a village barely big enough to support the controversial opening of a second cake shop should set the alarm bells ringing. It’s Rushden & Diamonds II – The Sequel.
The Football League insist that if you leave a window open it can let fresh air in. I insist that it lets in flies and as I look at the last thirty years I see too many bluebottles buzzing in and buzzing off again leaving their maggot infested mess behind for others to clean up. Frankly I need more than Wycombe Wanderers as evidence that change is a ‘nice’ thing. There are twenty-two teams in the Football League that have previously plied their trade in the Conference but more than half of those were already well established Football League clubs that shared the Doncaster Rovers experience of falling, re-grouping and returning to the upper echelons. The established old order tend to find their way back like a salmon returning home to spawn, despite the man made obstacles placed in their way by small, cash rich wannabes.
I also present to you Stevenage FC, the festering carbuncle that refuses to go away. The repeated presence of Graham Westley should be enough for every celebrity on Room 101 to propose that this abomination of a club should be locked away where it can do no more harm. You have to wonder, if football really is the beautiful game, why is it full of ***** like Westley? It was reported that the League mounted an investigation into the cynical on-pitch practices under Westley. Those with longer memories will also recall that Stevenage unashamedly tried to raise cash by creating a reality TV scheme that would allow home viewers to vote on which of their players should be substituted, by whom and when, courtesy of a ‘phone vote. Thankfully, the authorities told them it couldn’t happen.
Personally, I don’t want a day out at Bromley, Boreham Wood, Braintree or Eastleigh. I don’t want a Football League populated by village football teams like North Ferriby United or Forest Green Rovers and I steadfastly refuse to watch any Rovers away game where the main topic of interest on the return journey is the quality of the cream teas.
JTM
25
HOWARD’S MARKS CONTINUING HIS RECONNAISSANCE OF LEAGUE TWO HOWARD BONNETT PAID A VISIT TO GRIMSBY ‘I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing.’ Herman Melville, Moby Dick
Historically there are a number of ties, most prominent being that each club has enjoyed the management of Lawrie McMeneny; even now you can book the McMenemy suite at Blundell Park for weddings, christenings and Bar Mitzvahs. We also both enjoyed the services of John Oster, at different ends of his career, whilst Grimsby’s reserve goalkeeper and coach is Rovers own Andy Warrington.
As we start the new season in the fourth tier, with few local teams to visit I wondered about the teams we will play and how much they have in common. One of our nearer opponents can be found down the M180; our friends in Grimsby. The town, properly titled Great Grimsby, is the home of the Mariners and has been since they were formed in 1878.
I took the opportunity to visit Blundell Park on 30 July for a pre-season friendly against Oldham. Grimsby had suffered a poor pre-season having lost to Gainsborough and North Ferriby, which might explain why Warrington’s hair was even whiter than ever. He did give me a wave when I chanted his name though. Since achieving promotion Grimsby have moved out twelve players and brought in ten. The new recruits include a few players with League Two experience and some younger, faster players to cope with the cut and thrust of the League.
Growing up in the 1980s my memories are of Grimsby as a second-tier team, a position, but for brief blip at the end of the decade, they generally maintained until 2003. By then however the club had various running difficulties, brushes with the tax authorities and after five seasons in the fourth tier – the last of which saw a losing streak of 25 games - were relegated to the Conference. Makes our 17 game winless run of last season sound like a stroll in the park doesn’t it? Grimsby played in the Conference from 2010 until, like the Rovers, they returned to the League via the playoff final, beating Forest Green Rovers 3-1 in May this year. Having had a similar amount of time out of the League to Rovers I thought it would be interesting to compare how they will deal with life in League Two and to see what else we share.
Opponents Oldham boasted a familiar face, this being the match in which ex Rover Paul Green played in midfield for the Latics. However, Grimsby were much the better team and won 2-1, with goals from Kayden Jackson and Dominic Vose, showing competitive spirit, good movement and were entertaining as well. 26
I spoke to a number of home fans. For the most part they were pleased to be back in the League and all agreed the Mariners should be good for a mid to upper table place. When asked if they could emulate us, and Bristol Rovers last season, in double promotion many seemed optimistic, but suggested they’d be quite happy with staying up.
So, how do I think they’ll do? In a league they have not played in for six years it is likely they may struggle whilst they gel. However, in Kayden Jackson, striker Omar Bogle and midfielder Tom Bolarinwa (lovingly called Tombola by the fans) they have three key players who could really help them make an impression.
The club have sold about 3,000 season tickets, double last season’s number, and expect regular gates of around 4,000 rising to 5,000 or more if they do well. They pride themselves on a good away following and aren’t bothered by a division of mostly southern teams. The fans all felt they could get to League One and possibly the Championship before long. But then, we think Rovers should as well.
And with manager Paul Hirst having spent three years forming the team he clearly has a clear view about how he wants to play and is well respected by most at the club. And what about the important stuff? Coffee was £1.90, pies £3.20 and I passed four chip shops on my walk from the ground back to the car. But most of all, what I got from my visit was that Grimsby fans do not take themselves too seriously.
LEAGUE TWO CATS
FELINE FEELINGS WITH SHEEPSKIN STU
There have been various plans for a new stadium, but with nothing decided they remain at the 9,052 capacity Blundell Park. The ground claims to have the oldest stand in the League, which is looking a bit tired. Though echoing what many of us said in the last days at Belle Vue, and I think Oscar Wilde, ‘it’s a shit hole, but it’s our shit hole.’
Their fanzine, Cod Almighty, is worth a follow. The fans simply turn up for the love of the game. We play them on 17 December. If nothing else folks it will be fun. And after all, isn’t that what it’s all about?
HB
27
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE COLOUR JAMES McMAHON EXCITED - HIS FAVOURITE NON-ROVERS PLAYER HAS SIGNED FOR ROVERS When Rovers announced the signing of 28-year-old French centre back Mathieu Baudry this summer, I was perhaps the most excited Doncaster Rovers fan anywhere. Sure, Darren Ferguson’s fourth close season signing was obviously an excellent player for League 2 level; schooled at the famous La Havre academy (other graduates include Vikash Dhorasoo, Julien Faubert, Jean-Alain Boumsong, Lassana Diarra, Steve Mandana), Baudry had clocked up a decent stint in his native country at Troyes, as well as at Bournemouth and Dagenham & Redbridge in this. But it was the 128 appearances for Leyton Orient he’d made, starting in 2012, that mattered most to me. Regular readers of this column will know/be irritated that, due to the fusion of a variety of factors that take in geographical location, emotional displacement and community spirit, I watch a lot of football at the Orient – for the last eight years or so, my local club.
When I say local, I mean really local. So local in fact, I sometimes see members of the club staff mooching around Spar. It’s very exciting living so close to a football ground, I have to say. It’s also impossible to maintain the natural world-weariness of a 36-year-old man living so close. It’s impossible to walk from the Tube to my house without peering through the turnstiles. It’s impossible to do so without feeling a bit like a displaced war child, peaking into a magical wardrobe. Mathieu Baudry was my favourite player at Orient for ages. A fixture of Orient’s, ultimately doomed (and I’ll admit, heartbreaking) 2013-14 League One play-off adventure, Baudry was one of those players that League One aficionados (and MK Dons manager Karl Robinson, whose omnipresence as a studio guest whenever Sky would film a League One fixture, can only be explained by him, perhaps, holding Peter Beagrie’s family hostage in Pete Winkelman’s basement) might describe as ‘cultured’.
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Baudry didn’t hoof the ball out of defence, ever. He moved it. While purring, probably. This, and a face that wouldn’t look out of place grafted on the next James Bond, gave him a sort of continental exoticness that belied the fact it’s really easy to get to France now. And the lower leagues are filled with jobbing French players. Not that he was a wuss or owt. Oh no. Matt Baudry loved a head bandage. The joke at Orient was he’d demand one if he cut himself shaving. It actually got a bit silly for a while; you could almost set your watch by the time he’d move to the bench to get strapped up. Normally about five past three I’d say. But yet, for any fan who grew up in the era of Terry Butcher, there will be few football appendages cooler than the head bandage. Part Ninja, part lobotomy patient, it’s an item that says, ‘I will put my head in the way of Adebayo Akinfenwa’s studs for you. I will bleed for this club’. Comparatively, that crap plaster that Robbie Fowler used to strap over the bridge of his nose just doesn’t cut it. But there’s a handful of specific incidents that indelibly endeared Mathieu Baudry to me. The first being the time I saw him flyering for the club, going into shops up and down the Leyton High Road, drumming up interest for the clubs new season ticket initiative for kids. Heroic, right? Then there was the time, at Swindon, in 2014-15, when Orient were relegated, four managers into a joke season that I can’t actually mentally recall without hearing a bastard mash up of the Benny Hill theme and the opening music from The Exorcist playing in my brain.
As player after player skulked out of the dressing room and onto the bus, shrugging as they went, Baudry came out, hopped the barrier and approached the fans, a bit like an athletic take on the policeman from Allo Allo. ‘Lads, I’m sorreee. We iz sheeeeeeeeet’. But Mathieu will be remembered by Orient fans for one action, and one action alone. And that was the day he missed a penalty in the shoot-out that took Rotherham to the Championship and condemned Orient to another season in League One, a hangover that would ultimately lead to relegation nine months later. It’s not so much the penalty miss he’ll be remembered for, but for getting showered, getting dressed, and weepily coming to join the fans in The Green Man pub in Wembley, to personally apologize for not putting the ball away. I’ve seen a lot as a football fan, but I’ve never seen anything like that, and I’m not sure I will again. The sight of a professional footballer, sat at the bar, buying drinks for people who an hour before had been cursing his name, taking on all comers who wanted his time… well, I’ve always thought you don’t pick your heroes, they pick you. And that day Mathieu Baudry became my hero – and in fact, the first non-Doncaster Rovers footballer I’ve ever truly loved. Welcome to the Rovers Mathieu Baudry!
JM 29
FOR PEAT’S SAKE JACK PEAT TRIES TO FORGET ALL ABOUT ENGLAND AT EURO 2016 Forget invisibility cloaks, teleportation, shape shifting or super strength, if I could have one superpower it would be the ability to hibernate. Eight months into the year and I can already say without equivocation or reservation that 2016 has been pretty fucking abysmal all things considered. Decades of economic uncertainty lie ahead following Brexit and despite the political upheaval it has caused, the Tories have seldom looked as safe. Acts of terrorism have become as sporadic as they are commonplace and we’ve lost countless celebrities who will be sorely missed in these uncertain times. In my personal life I’ve been dumped, relegated and I was waiting for my boss to fire me - all bad things come in three - when England got knocked out of Euro 2016 by Iceland. Fucking Ice. Land! Now I’m going to slap you across the face with a bit of football punditry out of the top draw, so prepare to brace. I’ve analysed the videos, looked at the stats, consulted Gary Neville, scrutinised FA dossiers and concluded: England were shite this summer. When the highlight of the tournament is keeping a clean sheet against Slovakia you know you’ve reached the pits of despair.
As I watched some of our infamous hooligans wreak havoc squirming with embarrassment little did I know that the worst was yet to come. Utter drabness from start to finish as we shuffled the team like a pre-season friendly trying to find a functioning formation. When Marcus Rashford earns Man of the Match coming off the bench at 86 minutes against Iceland you get a sense of the shocking nature of England’s performance. Only we could exit Europe twice in one week, the joke went, but I sense few people were laughing. As terrible as England were this summer the players were soon back on home turf and preparing their transfers at Luton Airport for an extended holiday in the Algarve. Our travelling supporters were bailed, barred or just resigned to having to come back to the missus, and just like that, another international tournament passed by leaving nothing but sadness, despair and several cracked TV screens in its wake. Fuck you football. Fuck you. But we Doncastrians should consider ourselves lucky, for we are well versed in the art of disillusionment. Post the ‘glory years’ we’ve had five years of utter drabness that I could sum up in a paragraph.
30
The likes of Tommy Rowe and Joe Wright could be inspired signings and as much as I’m happy to see the likes of Riccardo Calder and Jordan Houghton join us on loan you feel that this time around we have a more permanent set-up. We might even have our own Jamie Vardy on our hands if Alfie Beestin can manage the jump up.
We experimented, got relegated, got promoted after a missed penalty before dropping back down and living on dowdy performances in League One until they became that dowdy that we got relegated again. And so here we find ourselves back in League Two again, the eternal England fans ready to watch Euro 2016 on repeat for the rest of the season. But instead of the boatlined quayside of Marseille or the mountainous Rhône landscape that envelopes Saint-Étienne we have to console ourselves at The Gaffers Row of Crewe - Cheap, chavish and impossible to get a drink in according to TripAdvisor – or The Eric Bartholomew of Morecambe, which doesn’t look much better.
For the most part, it felt like we’d plateaued in League One. Like the magic had fizzled out. Which is why I’m not overly gloomy about dropping down a division if we can use it as a springboard for bigger and better things in the future, and that’s coming from a pessimistic mardy arse like me! And while we’re on international resemblances, let’s take a moment to reflect on our noisy neighbours. Because beyond the axiomatic impact of Gareth Bale Wales set the Euros alight on the back of a solid team ethic, supporter camaraderie and their ability to somehow fuse the two to create an unrivalled togetherness that eschews any shortcomings on the pitch.
Yet for all my doom and gloom shovelling, there is reason to believe that the second half of the year may be better than the first. Most pundits expect Rio 2016 to be even more successful than the Olympics for Britain and with a plethora of European talent on the golf course there’s reason to believe the Ryder Cup will also be staying in Europe in the Autumn. I might even get a shag if I can get my hands on enough mistletoe come Christmas!
At Rovers, you sense a similar movement is bubbling with the Black Bank and could easily be stirred by a few back-to-back wins. League Two is a big opportunity for us, and it’s important that the forward-looking philosophy at the club is reflected by an optimistic outlook on the terraces. League Two here we come.
And I’ve even allowed myself a few pangs of optimism ahead of the 201617 season. The new recruits look promising and fans are well behind Darren Ferguson to challenge for promotion. The summer overhaul was precisely what we needed and the gaffer has wasted little time getting back to work ensuring we had one of the first stable summers in recent memory.
Viva Rovers.
JP 31
THE BELLES, THE BELLES DONCASTER ROVERS BELLES HAVE FOUND THEIR RETURN TO FAWSL1 TOUGH GOING AS GLEN WILSON REPORTS ‘What’s going off with the Belles?’ asked a poster on the Viking Chat forum recently, ‘I thought they’d do ok this year after all the pre-season hype.’ Though I’m not exactly sure what ‘preseason hype’ this was, it’s safe to say it hasn’t been the smoothest return to the top flight of the women’s game for Doncaster Rovers Belles.
Many would perhaps expect the loss of both manager and a big name forward to plunge the club further adrift, but instead things appear to be improving. Emma Coates has replaced Glenn Harris in charge, a surprise to many given that she is just 25 years old. However, Coates – aided by support from experienced Director of Football, Julie Chipchase – has already garnered an improvement in team spirit, something midfielder Emily Simpkins was keen to stress in a recent interview. ‘I can’t speak highly enough of her and what she’s done. She’s improved us as individuals and players. She’s created an environment for us where we are not afraid to take risks.’
Losing last season’s top scorer Courtney Sweetman-Kirk to a broken leg before the campaign even got under way was a crucial blow, and one which is reflected in the goals scored column. The Belles have scored only threegoals in their opening eight league matches, all of which have been lost. The signing of Natasha Dowie in the close season suggested the Belles may have been able to cope with the loss of Sweetman-Kirk, especially when Dowie found the net in the second game of the season away at Birmingham. However, the ex-England international forward’s time at the club has been brief, and after manager Glenn Harris left the club in June, Dowie too chose to move on, linking up with her former Liverpool manager Matt Beard at Boston Breakers in the US.
Though the Belles have seen an improvement in performances, that hasn’t yet been reflected in their results, having fallen to Manchester City, Chelsea and Birmingham City in recent months. Those defeats, plus the loss of forward Jess Sigsworth to a partial ACL rupture, would be enough to test any side’s resolve. But with eight games still to go, and as many as four games in hand on their closest rivals, the Belles certainly aren’t in any mood to throw the towel in, as Simpkins is keen to stress. ‘Togetherness will pull the team through this spell. We believe we have the abilities and the spirit in the team and the self-belief to go forward. Together we’ll start getting the results.’
SUPPORT THE BELLES
THIS AUTUMN AT THE KEEPMOAT THU SAT THU SUN
01.09.16 24.09.16 06.10.16 09.10.16
19:45 18:30 19:00 14:00
vs Sunderland vs Reading vs Arsenal vs Liverpool 32
CONFERENCE CALLS CHRIS KIDD’S LOOK BACK AT ROVERS’ CONFERENCE PLAYERS TURNS THE SPOTLIGHT ON JUSTIN JACKSON In 1999-2000, Justin Jackson’s 29 goals for Morecambe made him Conference top scorer. It was enough to prompt big spenders Rushden & Diamonds to put up a reported £180,000 for the forward. After the Diamonds were promoted Jackson moved on to Rovers for a club record fee of £100,000. He arrived with a very good Conference goal scoring record; the aforementioned 29 goals in 38 appearances for Morecambe and a further 18 goals to help Rushden & Diamonds into the League.
JUSTIN JACKSON FACT FILE BORN: 10 DECEMBER, 1974 ROVERS APPEARANCES: ROVERS GOALS:
DEBUT: 05/09/2001 vs BOSTON UTD The following season Jackson threatened to kick start his Rovers career with two goals in the first five games, but it proved a false dawn. He played a further twenty times for Rovers in what turned out to be the promotion season, but failed to find the net again. His last game for Rovers came in February 2003 against Burton, as Dave Penney realised Jackson wouldn’t form part of the team for the vital promotion run-in.
Add in that he always seemed to bag against Rovers and his arrival was rightly met with much excitement by the Belle Vue faithful. The transfer fee alone was quite phenomenal, £100,000 for a player in the fifth tier of the English football pyramid and from a team who didn’t have a pot to piss in just three years earlier. But Rovers desperately needed a striker to fire them to promotion and after the disappointment of Carl Alford they hoped Jackson was the answer. It took Jackson until 13 October 2001 - twelve games - to eventually find the net for Rovers, scoring in a 1-1 draw away at Margate. His next goals didn’t arrive until March, but like buses came in quick succession, struck against Nuneaton and then Telford inside a single week, before he was sent off in the penultimate game of the season against Woking. Jackson ended the season with just thr ee goals from his 24 appearances; not great value for a £100,000 player.
39 5
Unbelievably, whilst researching this article, I stumbled across a quote from Jackson in the newspaper for the Isle of Man, where he grew up and still lives today. After describing his first season with Rovers as ‘awful’ he goes on to say this about his second season; ‘However, the next season I was able to turn it around and we got promoted - it turned out to be a fantastic season under manager Dave Penney.’ I’m lost for words reading that. As dumbfounded as I was when witnessing most of Jackson’s appearances for Rovers, when I spent much of my time wondering whether Rovers had mistakenly written a comma instead of a decimal point on his transfer fee. 33
CJK
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND DUTCH UNCLE CASTS HIS STATISTICAL EYE OVER DONCASTER ROVERS’ 2015-16 SEASON Back in January few, if any, Rovers supporters were looking down the table. As such, our ensuing relegation was as unexpected as it was disappointing. By comparison, the drop from the Championship in 2014 was the more painful, as Rovers only slipped into the relegation spots in the 95th minute of the final game of the season. Yet, that 2013-14 campaign had been expected to be difficult, and so given the competitive nature of last season’s squad, and the lower level, this most recent relegation is perhaps the more galling.
Only once in those twelve relegation seasons have Rovers dropped with more points that were gained last season. In 1970-71 Rovers dropped to the fourth tier with 35 points (the equivalent to 48 at three points for a win), despite being three places and four points from safety. Last season’s goal difference of minus 16 is also the best ever achieved in a relegation season, pointing to a series of narrow defeats rather than sound beatings. By comparison our goal difference in 201314 was minus 31, and in 1997-98 it was a whopping minus 83.
Discounting the club’s failure to be reelected to the League in 1902-03 and 1904-05, Rovers have suffered a total of twelve relegations as a League club; five times from the second tier, six from the third, and once in 1997-98 from the fourth tier into the Conference. Aside from 2013-14, relegations for the Rovers have rarely been closerun things, indeed last season – with a faint but mathematical chance of survival still present on the final day – represents the next closest campaign.
The club’s fate was undoubtedly sealed by the dreadful run of 16 winless games that fell between the promising 3-0 win at Southend on 2 January and the 3-1 win over eventual Champions Wigan on 16 April. This is the joint third longest winless league sequence in our history, beaten only by 199798’s run of 20 matches (six drawn, 14 lost) and the 19 matches (seven drawn, 12 lost) which spanned the last 12 matches of 2010-11 and the opening seven of 2011-12. And, contained within last season’s not so sweet sixteen was a sequence of 12 matches featuring 11 defeats and just one draw – the worst dozen game run in the club’s entire League history.
34
Keshi Anderson points his team-mates towards goal
On the subject of abject sequences last season also saw Rovers go on a run of 16 league games without keeping a clean sheet. This is the fifth longest in the club’s history, though mercifully someway short of the 29 match run that spanned the end of the 1990-91 season, and first half of 1991-92. On a more positive vibe, Rovers did manage a run of four successive games in which they came from behind to earn at least a draw; away at Coventry and Cambridge, at home to Crewe then away at Burton. It seems so long ago.
Now for the really geeky bit and the greatest statistical outlier of last season which concerns the club’s record and position after 24 games. At this point Rovers were in 15th place and our record against teams above and below them was: vs teams above Played 14 - won 0 - drawn 5 - lost 9 vs teams below Played 10 - won 8 - drawn 2 - lost 0
Incidentally, I believe that comeback against Crewe represents the latest point in a league game in which Rovers have been behind only to subsequently win, having trailed 2-1 in the 92nd minute before Cameron Stewart and Andy Williams’ late, late show.
Why is this so remarkable? Well, if we simplify and estimate that the chance of Rovers beating a higher ranked team is 0.4 and losing to a lower ranked team is also 0.4 then the probability of all 24 matches following this pattern of not beating a higher side or losing to a lower side is 0.6 to the power 24, or 1 in more than 200,000. Truly astounding.
Goals though were hard to come by with the opening eight league games bringing just four; only the 201112 season saw fewer in the opening eight matches with three. With no out and out scorer the goals were spread around, and for the first time in the club’s history the first seven goals of the season were struck by seven different Rovers players; Harry Forrester, James Coppinger, Curtis Main, Andy Butler, Stewart, Keshi Anderson and Williams. Indeed it was eleven games before any player moved above a single goal; Anderson getting his second of the campaign against Barnsley. The last time it took so long was 2011-12 when Billy Sharp followed up his strike at Brighton on the Amex Stadium’s opening day with a goal against Blackpool 12 games later, though Sharp had spent eight of those out injured.
Declining Attendances
Although the average home league attendance of 6,553 was down by just 331 (4.8%) on 2014-15 figure, it was boosted by good away followings, with the average away crowd at the Keepmoat rising from 969 to 1,050. The season also brought three home league attendances below 5,000 - the first for 10 years. However, this should be viewed in a longer term context; over the five Conference seasons there was only one home attendance over 5,000 and prior to that the last time over 5,000 had attended a league game at Belle Vue was 1985. 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 34 AND 35 International records
Coppinger’s records
Luke McCullough may have only added one more Northern Ireland cap to his collection – against Greece on 8 October – for his many squad call-ups last season, but in doing so ensured a Rovers has received an international cap in 11 of the 13 seasons since returning to the Football League. A sharp contrast with what came before, as only 13 of the seasons between 1879 and 2003 saw Rovers players win caps. McCullough’s call-up for Euro 2016 also made him the first player to be called up for a European Championship squad whilst at Rovers.
Of course the most significant records were set by James Coppinger. By the season’s end Coppinger had reset the all-time club record for league appearances at 433 and the record for the all competitions at 493 matches – he also scored his 50th Rovers goal, becoming only the 17th player to reach the milestone. And, as he closes in on his 500th appearance, he’s already set a record this season, with his start at Accrington making him the first Rovers player to make league appearances in 13 seasons.
BW
Caveat: No figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses several sources, including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and the Official Rovers History by Tony Bluff & Barry Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Bluff and/or Watson.
36
A STROLL DOWN BENNETTHORPE TOMMY GAYNOR’S SOCKS AND LACES RECALLS A FEATURE OF THE WALK TO ROVERS OLD BELLE VUE HOME When I was a kid I’d walk from town to Belle Vue. Past the Gaumont. Past The Sal. Past the Earl of Donny.
Harry Slater, a local architect, designed the almshouses. They are set back from the road with an open grassed area fringed with the trees that shed the autumn leaves that I shuffled through. Individually the cottages do not have any particular architectural merit but as a whole, they are a fine mainly unchanged example of a planned development by a benevolent benefactor and have been granted Conservation Area status.
After that it was the long straight walk down Bennetthorpe, shuffling my feet through huge heaps of Autumn leaves, wondering – due to the lack of fans heading the same way – if the match had been postponed. No landmarks down here apart from the William Nuttall Home for Aged Spinsters.
William died in 1934 and his funeral cortege passed by the cottage homes on its way to his final resting place in Hyde Park Cemetery. But it was with the death of Henry in 1948 things turned sour for Nuttall’s. Like so many industries in the area, business slowly declined until in 1981 the Wheatley factory closed and production moved to Halifax.
The what? Yes, the William Nuttall Homes for Aged Spinsters, a relic from a bygone age, a memorial to Donny’s industrial past. Didn’t you ever notice them peering out from behind the holly trees, timidly announcing themselves from the modest central arch? William Nuttall began making sweets at his home in Hexthorpe in 1884 and by 1903 the company had moved to Chapel Street. William’s son Henry came up with the Nuttall’s Mintoe in 1909 and the sweet taste of success followed.
By 2014 the factory was derelict and burnt out but Nuttall’s charitable legacy endures. The Trust continues to administer the cottages providing sheltered housing for the borough’s elderly population.
Like many successful businessmen, William was keen to put something back into the community from whence he sprang, and in 1930 land that was previously Doncaster Grammar School’s playing fields was purchased from the council for £5,000 and a further £12,000 (equivalent to about £750,000 in today’s money) was placed in trust for the provision of ‘26 houses for spinsters over 50 years who have resided within the borough of Doncaster for 15 years’.
If you’re down Bennetthorpe sometime soon, check the Cottages out – they’re not grand, they’re not imposing but quietly and modestly they say something about Doncaster’s past, and hopefully in their quiet endurance something about the present and future. And if you go in Autumn shuffle through those leaves for me. 37
PD
REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE OUR RESIDENT LEGAL EXPERT IS BACK TO ANSWER YOUR PROBLEMS... AT LEAST UNTIL THE PUBS OPEN GOT THE HUMP
STRIPTEASE
Dear Reg,
Dear Reg,
I bought what I thought was a labrador puppy off Sticky Stan in The Staff of Life. After six weeks we’ve realised it’s a camel. He’s got really big, two mangy humps and spits and snarls and we cannot find a use for it. The kids have called it Curtis Main. Any ideas
I’d love my fella to put on a show for me the lounge in the new Rovers outfit and some leather chaps. Question is should I get it now or wait until it’s inevitably reduced to a cheaper price in March? As I could really do with the tenner.
Dear Reg,
Bob Humps Hexthorpe Flatts - Top floor
Ellie Might Intake
Isla Bay, Edenthorpe
REG RESPONDS
REG RESPONDS
REG RESPONDS
I’ve got the number for someone down at Portsmouth in my phone. Buy us a pint and we’ll see if we can offload him.
I’ve seen your bloke down The Lonsdale. I’ve got an old BMC motorbike cover you can have for £3. Save your money me old flower.
I’ve heard of worse. My ex used to dress up as Maggie and chase me around the lounge whilst I wore a donkey jacket. Fill your boots.
MAY DAY I am 30. My new bloke looks like that Boris Johnson. He’s asked me to wear a ladies business suit with a grey wig, chase him round the bed and call myself Theresa. Is this normal?
LETTER OF THE MONTH
I have been watching the Euro footy with my fella whilst we have been spending three weeks in the static at Mablethorpe. I thought I’d be on trend and have shaved some lines into the side of my haircut. He keeps laughing and saying I look like Paul Pogba - whoever he is. What should I do, Reg? Shawna Lotov, Toll Bar
REG RESPONDS Depends how strong the likeness is. If you can carry it for a week, you could earn enough to upgrade your holiday - and have the caravan towed to Rhyl. Otherwise I’ve an old Jason Price wig you can rinse the vindaloo out of. 38
HB