EDITORIAL Friends, Rovers, Yorkshiremen, One pound. It’s not a lot. What can you get for one pound these days? Have a think. You won’t come up with much beyond these forty pages you’re currently holding in your hands. Popular STAND first went on sale for a pound in April 1998, and it is still a pound today. That’s not bad going; the best part of seventeen years without a price increase. It’s something to be proud of, and we are, and that’s why we yell it as we sell it.
Few other people in football appear to follow that mantra; fans are not charged on the basis of what they can afford, nor necessarily on how much the club needs, but on what the clubs can get away with. We all know it doesn’t cost £45 to £50 to manufacture a football shirt, but people will pay it. Tickets to top-flight football matches are not worth over £60, but people will pay it. The food at the kiosk certainly isn’t worth £5, but people will pay it. We have become too complicit in the fleecing of our own pockets.
‘You could charge more than a pound,’ people have said, ‘£1.50 maybe, even £2.’ We could, and with around 16,000 words in every issue, I still believe you’d be getting value for money if we did. But the thing is; we don’t need to. We more than break even when selling this fanzine for one pound. So much so, that since I took over as editor, twenty-one issues ago, we’ve been able to donate well over £2,000 to local charities and causes. We could charge more, but we don’t need to, so we don’t.
For Rovers’ match at Peterborough later this month away adult tickets are £26 if purchased on the day. Three years ago, when both teams were a division higher, the cost was £15. Does it really cost Peterborough £11 more, per person to look after us in seats than it did on a terrace? No of course not. Is a £11 rise in line with general inflation over the same three year period? Nowhere near. Will people pay it? Of course they will, because they want to see them play a relatively local game.
CONTENTS: ISSUE 73 05. 07. 08. 09. 10. 13. 14. 16. 17. 18.
The Bernard Glover Diaries Spotted Tweet Disposition Remembering the First Time Go Away Laws of the Game To Lindum and Back Bernard Glover’s Gift Guide Keepmoat Crushes Dodgy Barnets
19. 20. 22. 24. 28. 30. 34. 36. 38. 39.
The Donny Comet Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Jack’s Craic The Cup of Youth Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Windmills of your Mind From Beneath the Statue Follows the Rovers at Christmas Reg Ipsa: Legal Beagle Flow-Rider
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We are being taken advantage of, mugged on a regular basis, for having the temerity to want to be there in person to see our team play. Earlier this month I listened to a man from the Football Supporters’ Federation give a speech about the work the FSF has been doing to haul the game back for the typical, or traditional if you prefer, fanbase. He talked about the Twenty’s Plenty campaign, and other initiatives around the unnecessary plushness of football, and he did so whilst wearing a dinnerjacket, standing in the 5* St Pancras Renaissance Hotel, ahead of a starter of Foreman’s smoked salmon roulade. He acknowledged the irony, but it was, and is, too late. This was the FSF Awards, in which popular STAND was, we were pleasantly surprised to find, shortlisted for Fanzine of the Year. We received one ticket for the event, and the option to purchase further tickets at £50 each, a price which I was told by the FSF was heavily discounted by the sponsors William Hill. I attended alone (because, you know twenty’s plenty, so we’re not paying fifty) on behalf of the ‘zine, but declined the four-course meal and asked that the cost of it be donated to charity instead. When I explained to someone from the FSF that I was declining the meal because such extravagance felt at odds with what the fanzine is about – particularly as we’ve just sent off a £400 cheque to Doncaster Foodbanks for Christmas – I was told that it was against what they were about too really, but the sponsors wanted it to be a big event. Having a higher profile event of course helps give a higher profile to the FSF, so you can see why they would cede some aspects to the whim of William Hill.
But, if the FSF can’t stand up to a sponsor of their own event and reign them in to keep things affordably attendable for those who’ve been nominated, then what chance have they or we got in reigning in the commercial factors that are lurching football itself further out of reach? We didn’t win by the way. You probably knew that, and also presumably read those last few paragraphs as bitterness as a result, picturing me dictating them from the foot of the stairs whilst clutching a three quarters empty bottle of gin. But, to be honest, making the shortlist in itself is a win for a ‘zine of our size and reach, and a significant honour, which I am very proud of.
Popular STAND is not here to win awards. It is not a vehicle for me to get into a career in journalism – that ship sailed long ago. It is not here for anyone’s ego. It is instead here to be what it has always been, since issue one was first hawked on the terraces of Belle Vue; a platform for Rovers fans to be heard upon. Popular STAND, still a Rovers fanzine, still only £1. Viva Rovers!
GW
Before we all bugger off to read the rest of this issue, a quick acknowledgement for all those who have bought, sold, or contributed articles to, popular STAND over the last twelve months. Thanks to you we have again been able to make a vital donation to Doncaster Foodbanks to help those suffering most in winter. So, thank you, to all of you, for making that a possibility. Have a good Christmas, and all the best for the New Year.
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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES LONG TRIPS FOR NOTHING AND SHORT TRIPS FOR NOTHING, IT’S ALL IN OUR ROUND-UP OF THE LAST FEW WEEKS. SATURDAY 25 OCTOBER ROVERS 0-0 MK DONS
SATURDAY 1 NOVEMBER BRADFORD CITY 1-2 ROVERS
As I always do when I see Rovers host MK Dons I found myself spending much of this game gazing towards the away end wondering, ‘what did you all used to do of a Saturday afternoon?’ Are Milton Keynes’ garden centres in crisis? Anyway, that it was goalless at half-time was due to two key factors; one Jed Steer who made a brilliant one-handed stop from a close range effort, and the other the referee, who adjudged debutant Andy Butler to have body-slammed his man outside the area, rather than in the box for the clear penalty it should have been.
Enter Curtis Main; daft blond pony tail and a ferocity of shot only ever previously seen in comic books. We’ll be erecting a statue of him by the end of this season. Main it was who struck the winning goal here with what can only really be classified as an ‘all-out thunder-twat’ of a strike on the half-volley into the top corner. Other stuff happened in the game. Cedric Evina went off on a stretcher. They scored. Sam Johnstone saved stuff. Reece Wabara scored… yeah Reece Wabara. But let’s be honest, all we’re ever going to remember from this game is that whallop from Main, which, had it not been for the net (or, the stand behind it), would have landed in a back garden in Wakefield.
‘Any changes at half-time’ ‘Harry Forrester has come on for someone’, joked Matt next to me on the midfielder’s first half anonymity. Thankfully he was more involved the game in the second half, as were Rovers with Kyle Bennett – Doncaster’s most threatening player by far – curling a cross just beyond the far post. Still, the clearer chances went to the visitors; Luke McCullough cleared from the line after Will Grigg got beyond Steer, and Tom Flanagan thundered a volley off Steer’s righthand post with a satisfying thwack. ‘Much improved,’ was the verdict of those who attend more home games than me, which means you poor buggers must’ve been served up some complete tosh of late.
SATURDAY 8 NOVEMBER WESTON-SUPER-MARE P-P ROVERS All the way to Weston-SuperMare we went only to be met by disappointment; it turns out the home side’s mascot is a big seagull thing and not, as it should be, a big horse called Weston the Super Mare! ‘So, what did you do with your weekend?’ ‘Oh I went all the way to the Somerset coast on Saturday to watch three men stare at a puddle and shake their heads and then I came home again’. Is it any wonder my colleagues don’t talk to me much?
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SATURDAY 15 NOVEMBER ROVERS 0-1 SHEFFIELD UNITED
spotted! JOHN BUCKLEY
Picking up a £2 advent calendar at Asda, only to then put it down and pluck for a £1 one instead. Hard times.
spotter: @Louis_Bailey_
COLIN DOUGLAS
In the away end with the Rovers fans at Barnsley
spotter: @RussH808
PAUL KEEGAN
In the China Rose in Bawtry, chasing round his kid who was running riot. Should’ve put a couple of reducers in early doors, Clive.
spotter: @MarkJWest
MARC DE VAL & MARKO MAROSI With their respective ladies, buying multiple bath bomb sets from ‘Lush’ in the Frenchgate Centre.
spotter: @Louis_Bailey_
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
Looking pretty dapper at Sheffield train station
spotter: Ryan Lightfoot
For the second time this season Rovers failed to capitalise when awarded a penalty, or take advantage of the benefit of an extra man and in five crazy second-half minutes the game swung on a penalty miss and a worldclass goal from Jamie Murphy. In all honesty Rovers deserved nothing from a game they had struggled to get a foothold in from the start. The midfield were incapable of winning the ball and dictating play, and after receiving an early booking Paul Keegan was purely a spectator, which didn’t help matters. The only other stand-out performance of the afternoon came from the new television screen, which easily eclipsed anything that Rovers did on the field.
TUESDAY 18 NOVEMBER WESTON-SUPER-MARE 1-4 ROVERS Second-time lucky on the Somerset coast for Rovers then. Whenever Keegan has a goal inexplicably ruled out, you know it’ll be Rovers day – and with that lucky omen notched after two minutes, Doncaster duly defied recent convention to be all professional and stuff. Main opened the scoring, turning a low Bennett drive into the net with an almost guilty nonchalance. Shortly after it was 2-0; Jamie Coppinger twisted left and right until he’d neatly amassed all the home defenders in a pile before hitting a low effort which Main again tapped home. Press reports were inexplicably confused as to whether this goal was scored by Main or Theo Robinson. On BBC Radio, cocommentator Dave Mehew exclaimed, ‘There is one notable difference between them…’ and you could hear the producer, scrambling for the deadair switch
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Anyway, Coppinger made it 3-0; controlling the ball on his chest and before volleying into the far corner with a dreamy effortlessness, and in the second half Richie Wellens added a fourth from Bennett’s slide-rule pass. The Seagulls grabbed a consolation as Liam Monelle bundled home a corner, but despite his comically eager sprint back to half-way with the ball, scoring three more in ten seconds proved beyond his team-mates.
SATURDAY 22 NOVEMBER ROCHDALE 1-3 ROVERS A second third away win in succession and suddenly the season isn’t looking all that bad. It didn’t go according to plan from the off for Rovers though as Rochdale opened the scoring through an unmarked Matt Done. And he later was too, the goalscorer getting his marching orders for taking out Coppinger on halfway (that’s both the line and the part of the body he connected with). By that time Rovers had already drawn level through Bennett and after striking the woodwork multiple times they eventually added two more goals to claim the win via Robinson’s head and Main’s back-heel flick. The flash get.
SATURDAY 29 NOVEMBER CREWE ALEXANDRA 1-1 ROVERS Unconvincing but still somehow resilient epitomises Rovers on the road these days. Despite having much of the play, Rovers struggled to create any telling chances and had to rely on a scrambled goal from Coppinger in the final ten minutes to salvage a point from struggling Crewe. . It was the introduction of Dean Furman, with Wellens dropping deeper, which sparked some much needed impetus in attack. Still, another game unbeaten on the road.
tweet disposition THE INSIGHTFUL THOUGHTS OF ROVERS’ PLAYERS ON TWITTER @ReeceWabara OK unbelievable
@harry_forrester
In need of a handyman around Doncaster. Painting a few bits etc..?
@ceddyevina Wow! what an episode of the chase
@liam_wakefield Jack Daniels sauce
@ReeceWabara Sergiooo
@harry_forrester Grand designs was a joke tonight!!! Amazing
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THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES CONTINUED FROM PAGES 6 AND 7 TUESDAY 2 DECEMBER BARSNLEY 1-1 ROVERS For the latest instalment of the derby that should be a big derby, but oddly hasn’t taken off as much as it should do (catchier name probably needed) we asked one of their lot to do us a report. The lad from across the Dearne was impressed by Rovers, who once again came from behind to salvage something away from home, which must say something. His notes as follows; 1. Wellens is a fantastic footballer, one I could watch all day. Elegant and controlling – just how I like my women. 2. That Bennett lad was a handful all game and caused us plenty of problems. 3. Main looks like an extra from He-Man. 4. How refreshing it was to watch a side try and play football properly. Midfielders interchanging positions, short sharp passes and quick breaks with purpose. 5. I was never worried you’d get a second. 6. Butler scares me. Robinson got the goal by the way. Back in form, seemingly confident and slowly catching Streete in our ‘All-time Favourite Rovers Theos’ list.
SATURDAY 6 DECEMBER OLDHAM ATHLETIC 0-1 ROVERS As anyone who’s watched football for the majority of their life will testify, there are good games and there are bad games. And, as anyone who’s watched Rovers for most of the season will argue, this is nonsense.
There are terrible games too. Games so terrible that the only validation for away days such as Saturday’s journey to the arctic wastes was the Latics’ quite remarkable Cheese and Potato Pie (our correspondent had two). Games so terrible, that even Copps struggled to do the easy stuff well. That said we won, so you know, perspective. But we won because Oldham were worse than us, not because we were good, and that’s a fairly important distinction. The goal was so silly, it could have easily formed the basis of a ten-minute Chucklevision sketch. Enda Stevens delivered a cross that Paddy Kenny could only parry, a bit like a big tree being hit by a falling conker, and the superbly named Genseric Kusunga, consequently ran the ball into his own net, sort of like a pro-football take on Forrest Gump. Other highlights included… um, we’ve mentioned the pies, right? Still, the magic of the Cup means a place in the third round and a glamour tie at… home… to Bristol City… bloody hell.
TUESDAY 9 DECEMBER ROVERS 0-1 NOTTS COUNTY Just as this issue if popular STAND went to press Rovers stayed true to form with a drab and disappointing home performance against Notts County, to not so much bow out of the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy as crawl beneath its curtain whimpering. Still, least we can concentrate on the.. er... oh... well, never mind.
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GW
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME ROB JOHNSON CONTINUES OUR NEW SERIES AS HE SHARES MEMORIES OF HIS FIRST EVER ROVERS GAME August 27, 1994. Seven years old. I can’t remember if my Dad instigated it or if I had asked to go. It seems unlikely that I would have actively chosen to abandon my Transformers toys to go and watch football, standing up the whole time no less! My dad is a Blade but he has always maintained he didn’t want me to share the thirty years of misery he had endured at Bramall Lane so he took me to Belle Vue instead. I’d like to think that my dad understood that your local football club is a huge part of the community. That you can learn everything you need to know about losing with humility, sportsmanship and togetherness from watching your local team. That loyalty to your home town is an admirable and important character trait... but in reality I think my dad took me to watch Rovers because they handed out free tickets at my school. So with me wrapped up in full woolly hat, scarf and Thomas the Tank Engine mittens we set off walking down Town Moor Avenue to the game. I always remember a man who looked ancient to me but was probably about 40 shouted a greeting to my Dad from his front garden and asked if he was taking me to the game. ‘Yeah’, my dad replied, ‘And if he doesn’t start behaving I will take him again next week’.
This was a remark that puzzled me for years until I learnt the gallows humour and general air of misery that surrounds a lower league football club. Rovers were playing Fulham in a game that up until researching this article I believed was a League Cup game was actually an old Fourth Division spectacle. My only memories of the actual game itself are Jamie Lawrence being sent off for a savage kick out and someone hitting the bar late on. What I remember most though was other fans. Furious old men openly swearing at someone called Jones, the roar of the crowd on the rare occasion when something of note happened on the pitch, my Dad laughing along with the people around him about how useless Rovers were. I also remember the smell of cigarette smoke and frying burgers and the floodlights lighting up the sky. It was successive home victories against Wigan, 5-3, and Torquay ,3-0, in October 1994 that confirmed the Rovers bug was here to stay but it was a boring, forgettable 0-0 draw against Fulham that started it all. And considering all the terrible games I have witnessed since, I can’t think of a more fitting game to kick-off this lifelong obsession.
RJ
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GO AWAY! What is League One? Is it a fluid being, is it a state of mind, or is it just a collection of twenty-four football clubs of roughly the same ability. Well, yes, it’s that of course, but that doesn’t mean it is not without mystery. Thankfully we are here to the mystery with our guide to the towns Rovers are due to visit. It’s time once again to Go Away! Saturday 20 December
SWINDON
Historically Swindon existed around a small market, which dealt primarily in barter; Richard Keys was reportedly keen on resurrecting this tradition, until he realised he’d misread it. The arrival of Isambard Kingdom Brunel in the 19th century significantly changed the appearance of Swindon; hats got taller for a start. Swindon became the home of the Great Western Railway’s main works, and so important was the town to the railway, that GWR built a model village for the local workers. So grateful were they none of them had the heart to point out that the model homes were far too small for them to fit in. Swindon is now home to the Bodleian Library’s book depository, which apparently contains 153 miles of bookshelves. So if you’re looking for a collection of Benjamin Zephaniah’s poetry, you’ll find it just outside Camarthen.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
We’re not saying Swindon is particularly dull, but it’s most famous attribute is probably a road junction. The Magic Roundabout, a series of six inter-connected roundabouts, with five mini-roundabouts positioned around the outside of a central… zzzzzzzzz.
Also, for a none descript railway town Swindon boasts a surprisingly high turnover in blonde bombshells with Diana Dors, Melinda Messenger and Julian Clary all having roots in the town.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Put on a stove pipe hat, get yourself some breast implants and elaborate on the complex geography of road layouts.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
Floodlights. Proper floodlights. Four whacking great pylons, one on each corner of the ground, visible from most of Whiltshire. This is how a football ground should look. When you’ve stopped gazing lovingly at the lattice-work of the corners you’ll notice it’s got two whacking great stands as well. Rovers fans will be housed in a corner of the older Arkells Road Stand from which, according to the Football Ground Guide, ’you even get a view of the rolling Marlborough Hills,’ so you know, something to look forward to. Behind one goal, time is kept on a large Rolex Clock. At one time this was the largest Rolex timepiece to be found in a football ground, that is until Robbie Savage started flashing his bling about when on commentary duty.
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Sunday 28 December
PETERBOROUGH
Traditionally part of Northamptonshire, Peterborough falls within Cambridgeshire for ceremonial purposes. Presumably these are similar ceremonial reasons to those used by people in Doncaster who describe themselves as being from Bennetthorpe, rather than Hyde Park. The town of Peterborough has its roots in a Saxon abbey, built in the 10th century, which was dedicated to St Peter. The surrounding area were know as a ‘burgh’, which soon became St Petersburgh, and eventually involved into the name we know today; Leningrad. The Fens in which Peterborough sits are notoriously flat, so flat in fact you could watch your dog run away for three days. In fact some areas to the east of the town are actually below sea level, meaning they can only be reached by submarine. The town’s main shopping centre Queensgate was opened in 1982 by Queen Beatrix of Netherlands, which I can only assume was a horrible mistaken double booking. Presumably whilst her majesty was being shown around the new Rumbelows, The Krankies were conducting the state opening of the Dutch Parliament. WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR? Home to Talksport presenter Adrian Durham, Peterborough is famous for producing bricks. No, that’s not a typo. The large stately home of Burghley House is just outside Peterborough, and each year the Burghley Horse Trials are held within the grounds. The trials last for three days, unless the jury find the horses guilty quicker than that.
Also near Peterborough is the Bronze Age archaeological site Flag Fen, discovered when a team led by Dr Francis Pryor carried out a survey of dykes in the area, that was until the Peterborough Lesbian Association campaigned for him to use more suitable terminology. Flag Fen is distinguished by a large number of poles arranged in five long rows, and beneath the migrants from Warsaw hoeing fields, you’ll find the Bronze Age site. One of the most famous people to come from Peterborough is the astronomer George Alcock, who is one of the most successful visual discoverers of novas and comets; he once saw five of the former doing donuts in the car-park of the latter.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Stay very low to the ground, don’t mention Northampton.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
London Road is these days called the ABAX Stadium, because tradition means bugger all in comparison to money from a Norweigan car-hire firm. The biggest attraction of London Road for away fans was the chance to stand on a proper terrace. However, the killjoys went and demolished that in the summer, replacing it with a token, could-be-anywhere, instantlyforgettable, blue-plastic-seated, sponsor-monikered, none-entity subsequently deemed too new for the likes of us travelling oiks anyway. Instead away fans are now tucked up in the corner of a Main Stand where, as football and Ryanair merge ever closer in business model, we can be charged more for less legroom. Thing is, at least with Ryanair you end up somewhere nice (or within 50 miles of it) once you’ve shelled out £23 to be contorted into a seat for two hours. Here you’re just still in Peterborough.
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GO AWAY!
CONTINUED FROM PAGES 10 AND 11 Saturday 10 January
OLDHAM
As a relatively new town Oldham isn’t referenced in the Domesday Book, although they did end 927 years of hurt last year, by being included in Crap Towns Returns. It was the Industrial Revolution which made Oldham, creating it in its own image; dark and covered in soot. The town grew rapidly during this time, as did its cotton production, and by 1909 was spinning more cotton than France and Germany combined, although they did tend to knock off at 18:30 and head down the cafe or beerkeller on the continent so it’s not that great a boast.
WHAT’S IT FAMOUS FOR?
Did we mention the cotton mills? Aside from the cotton-trade Oldham can lay claim to some pretty notable celebrities. Cannon and Ball, physicist Brian Cox and Nick Grimshaw are all from the Lancashire town... so... yeah... anyway... about those cotton mills.
HOW TO BLEND IN
Drink Boddingtons, watch Coronation Street and ride the metrolink tram, all whilst reminding people you’re not actually from Manchester.
WHAT’S THE STADIUM LIKE?
Freezing. Always, so bloody freezing. One of the few places in mainland Britain you’ll need an overcoat for a pre-season friendly. Boundary Park was renamed SportsDirect.com Park this year, as if sticking .com in the middle of a phrase made any commercial or grammatical sense at all. One side of the ground is still bereft of a stand, and instead now boasts an impressive pitch-length giant Mecanno set. According to the Football Ground Guide ‘The ground also benefits from four large traditional floodlight pylons, leaving the visitor in no doubt that this is a football ground’, although you suspect that the football pitch, and twenty two fellas kicking a ball about it would’ve been a bigger clue.
GW
“I’ve spoken to myself and I have assured myself that I’ve not had a face-lift... my investigations are ongoing.” Exhibit A
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LAWS OF THE GAME SCHOOLYARD EDITION 2014-15
LAW 4 - PLAYERS’ EQUIPMENT Safety A player may wear anything they like, though should only wear studded boots if all the other players are wearing studded boots, or if they received a new pair for Christmas or a birthday and are really keen to show them off.
Basic equipment Players may wear whatever clothing they like, but should not under any circumstances wear a coat. These should be placed as goalposts as per Law 1, The Field of Play.
Colours The two teams are under no obligation to wear different colours.On occassion teams may be determined by placing all those in red on one side but this system can be abused my mates arranging to wear the same colour in advance. In high summer the teams may be distinguished by one team removing their tops and playing ‘skins’, but otherwise teams will be a mis-match of kit.
The Goalkeeper The goalkeeper must distinguish himself from other players only by wearing a pair of gloves.
LAW 5 - THE REFEREE Matches are permitted to take place with no referee and no assistants. Instead each match is controlled and governed either by the biggest kid, or the owner of the match ball.
Powers and duties The biggest kid or the owner of the match ball will: •Enforce the Laws of the Game. •Decide which side any latecomers are placed on. •Act as timekeeper and shout ‘next goal winner’ if they know in advance that they are set to be called in for their tea. •Stop, suspend, or abandon the match if they are losing heavily. •Determine whether play should continue if the ball has gone ‘miles away’ and no-one can be bothered to fetch it. •Take disciplinary action by either threatening to, either deck any player who has committed a foul or dissent, or take their ball home. •Determine whether any high shots have gone over, hit the crossbar, or gone in. •Likewise, determine if a shot has hit the post, or gone post and in, when it traverses the coats fulfilling that role. The decisions of the biggest kid or owner of the match ball are final.
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TO LINDUM AND BACK HOME SWEET HOME? NOT AT THE KEEPMOAT AS CHRIS KIDD EXPLAINS So, it was confirmed to me last week that since moving to the Keepmoat seven years ago, Rovers have now lost more times at the Stadium than they have won. To put that into numbers for you, out of 205 games in league and cup (at the time of writing), Rovers have won 73, drawn 67 and lost 75 of them. So much for making a fortress of your home ground then. So far this season I’m on a terrible run of luck, being as I’ve only been able to attend three games this season, in which I’ve seen two 0-0 draws and a 1-0 home defeat. This got me thinking about Rovers home form, and just why it seems to have been so crap in recent years. I guess it can be attributed to a number of reasons, the biggest reason is that of the six full, and two half seasons we’ve been playing at the Keepmoat, we’ve spent five campaigns in the second tier, playing far superior teams with bigger budgets and bigger ambitions. Even in the League One title-winning season under Dean Saunders and Bryan Flynn two years ago our home form was rotten and promotion was largely guaranteed from the impressive away form.
This season looks to be heading in a similar direction already. Of the eight home league games Rovers have played so far this season they have managed only one win, whereas on the road they have won five from ten, and if you include cup games the team has won ten games in total away from home already this season. In those eight home league games Rovers have managed a poultry five goals, conceding eleven. Of course when you take account of the fact that 115 of our 205 games at the Keepmoat have been played in the Championship you soon realise where the figures are founded, but it still doesn’t explain the last thirtyodd games in League One. Why did Saunders, Flynn and now Paul Dickov find it so difficult to get any sort of run at home going? Do League One teams set up and play in such a way that it makes it impossible for us to get into the game and try and win it on home soil? What probably makes it harder to swallow is that the away form in recent League One seasons has been so bloody good! Nowadays I very rarely make an away game so the current form Rovers have shown over the last month has been pretty much lost on me; although the team has been doing well I don’t really feel a part of it, because I haven’t seen it. In fact thinking about it now has re-opened all the dissatisfaction I felt in the immediate aftermath of that terrible performance against the Blades.
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After that game I was thoroughly hacked off with all things Rovers. From the three games I’d seen there didn’t seem any real plan, there was an absence of any sort of tactics, set-pieces wasted (nothing new there then), and Rovers generally seemed pretty average. But the away form continues to save the season, and indeed has even seen Rovers reach the third round of the FA Cup, without automatically entering it at that stage! I want to like Dickov and he seems to be getting the job half right, but the home form is a real matter of concern. Not only on the field but off it too. The notoriously fickle Rovers faithful need little help in finding an excuse to stay away from the ground when times are hard, or, as they have been, just plain crap. It’s a weird problem, that we should find it such a predicament to muster a decent performance on home turf. The team is certainly more than capable of winning games at home. Let’s not be under any illusions here; although the squad lacks a little depth in certain areas, largely the starting eleven is good enough for a top half finish at the very least this season.
It’s easy to sit here and say that if home form had matched our away form we would be sitting in the play offs right now and let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have taken many results to have been different. And that just highlights how distinctly average this league is again. Anyway, back to the original point. As a season ticket holder I buy tickets to 23 home games up front at the start of every season. Championship campaigns aside, it would be nice to think that it wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility that of those 23 games at home Rovers might look to win 15 or 16 of them. That would be 48 points on the board before our fantastic away form is even taken into consideration. I do hope that Dickov can find some sort of formula for home games and that by the end of the season the stats show that we’ve won more games at the Keepmoat Stadium than we’ve lost again thus ensuring a late thrust into the play-off mix. Ah shit, I’ve just woken up again.
CJK
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BERNARD GLOVER’S GIFT GUIDE YOU CAN’T GO TO PRINT IN DECEMBER WITHOUT A TOKEN PAGE-FILLING ‘GIFT GUIDE’ SO HERE’S OURS FOR THE REACTIONARY FAN The perfect gift for the result-sensitive Rovers fan in your life, are these handy Dickov In/ Dickov Out swipe boards. Lost again? ‘Dickov Out’. Won away from home? ‘Dickov In!’ It’s now as simple as that to keep your feelings about the manager in a constant, but public state of flux.
FOR THE WOULD-BE HOOLIGAN Want to create a ‘mental atmosphere’ so the away end looks ‘proper quality’. Can’t have a good party, bar mitzvah or christening without pyrotechnics? Fed up of being searched by stewards with their ‘against the law’ nonsense? Then you need new ‘Flares 4 Flares’. Conceal your fireworks with ease in the extra wide hem.
FOR THE TEENAGE GIRL Louis Tomlinson? No. Louis Smith? No. Louis Spence? Most probably not. No, this year’s biggest hearthrob and the one that’s got all the teenage girls scribbling on their pencil cases is of course Jamie McCombe. So stay on her good side with this Jamie McCombe 2015 Calendar. Windmills of Your Mind Quiz Question Answers (from page 33) 1960-82: no sponsor / 1982-86 Milk Marketing Board (The Milk Cup) / 1986-90 Littlewoods (Littlewoods Challenge Cup) / 1990-92 Rumbelows / 1992-98 Coca-Cola / 1998-2003 Worthington’s / 2003-2012 Molson-Coors (The Carling Cup - longest sponsorship) / 2012-16 Capital One
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Keepmoat Crushes
LOVE IS ALL AROUND AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, EVEN AT THE KEEPMOAT To the girl with the big hooped earrings screaming abuse at Reece Wabara from the South Stand. The blue of your language really brings out your eyes. Fancy harassing an off-licence owner with me?
The lad in Hollister jogging-bottoms To the spotty-faced teen in the gogglehood, standing in a ginel with your mates, clutching a can of Fosters and giving it the big ‘I am’ whilst posing for an Instagram picture. You’re right up my Green Street you are. Fancy a night in Wetherspoons? We could go posh and do the Yates’s Wine Lodge if you prefer.
Naive girl who makes bad decisions To the fella we call The Coach, I love your tactical insights balled out for everyone to hear, and the way you say triangles as if it means something. You can add a ‘Y’ on my name and pretend it’s a proper nickname any time you like.
Rovers ear-muff wearing lady To the fanzine seller outside the South Stand turnstiles, the way you calmly explain that it’s not a programme makes my heart sing. I’d happily be yours for only a pound. And you wouldn’t have to hold me in the air for an hour before kick-off either.
The bicycle shelter programme-seller
To the big guy stuffing his face with a Balti pie whilst checking his accumulator in the South Stand concourse. I like the way gravy rolls down your chin. You wouldn’t be a gamble to me. Fancy going halves on a Steak & Kidney?
The half-time draw ticket seller To the steward on the stairs at the West Stand turnstiles. You confiscated my umbrella, and with it my heart as well. Can I have the brolly back so we can take a romantic walk arm in arm around the Black Bank Industrial Estate?
The bloke with a wet head To the lass behind the counter at the East Stand snackbar – your innocence and doe-eyed cluelessness when I asked for a Bovril were worth missing the first ten minutes of the game for. Fancy missing the other eighty with me sometime?
The guy still waiting for a Bovril To the woman in the club shop yelling about programmes. I like the way you don’t let your pose slip for anyone, particularly people asking for help purchasing things, or enquiring if you have certain stock in. I’d really love it if you could put the prgrammes down and tut at my indecision sometime.
Guy who asked for a pin-badge
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DODGY BARNETS REGULAR READER PHIL SMEDLEY HAS SOMETHING HE JUST NEEDS TO GET OFF HIS CHEST Dodgy barnet. No, not reference to the performances of one of our former conference rivals, but a comment on something very disturbing seen recently at the Keepmoat. We’ve had our fair share of dodgy hair on display over the years. Jamie Lawrence with his original pineapple (Jason Lee got the accolades but only by playing for a bigger club), Wing Commander Heritage’s magnificent facial display alongside mullets and perms too many to mention. We can even chart the changing fashions by following our long time hero and club stalwart Jamie Coppinger’s numerous looks from over the years.
We’ve had the modern Mohican
And we’ve had the, well, I’m not sure what this one is. The too busy to go to the barbers, perhaps?
We’ve had the boyband And now we have his current sensible family-man style.
We’ve had the crew cut/convict
So what disturbed me? Curtis Main. A hairband was bad enough, but was came next was worse. A bun. On a man. In Doncaster. It may be all the rage for the average sumo wrestler but they generally reside in Japan, not Yorkshire. I can’t concentrate on the football anymore - possibly a blessing at present - this is just wrong on so many levels. So I’m pleading with you Jamie, our hairstyle guru and dedicated follower of fashion, in those famous lip read words of Gary Lineker’s at Italia ‘90, ‘Have aword with him’.
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PS
The Donny Comet
ALL THE LOCAL NEWS, AS IT SORT OF, MAY HAVE HAPPENED
STEVE EVANS: ‘I’M NOT SANTA CLAUS’ Manager of Rotherham United and upstanding pillock of the community Steve Evans has told the Comet he is fed up of being mistaken for an clean-shaven Father Christmas. A rosy-cheeked fat man dressed in red, Evans claims he can’t understand the confusion. Things reached a head for the irritating Scot, 52, last Tuesday when he was chased through Parkgate Retail World, by a couple of elves who insisted he put on his beard and get back in the grotto.
Officials at Parkgate are also keen to quell confusion, having received several complaints from shoppers about their Santa’s ‘rude and offensive demeanour’ and ‘unfestive and unnecessary over-application of mascara’. Local authorities have advised residents to be careful when leaving out pies and sherry for the real Father Christmas as ‘this will only encourage a fat selfish get like Evans to keep up the charade’.
LOCAL SICK CHILDREN VISIT ROB JONES
Rovers club captain Rob Jones received a welcome boost this week, when he was visited by a collection of sick youngsters from Doncaster Royal Infirmary’s children’s ward. Jones who has been out of action for several months with a dislocated everything is said to have been delighted to meet the youngsters.
The children signed autographs and handed out gifts to Jones and posed for token photographs for local newspapers and the matchday programme, before buggering off and not giving Jones a moment’s thought until next year.
FOOTBALLERS ACTUALLY DELIGHTED TO BE AVOIDING FAMILY AT CHRISTMAS Footballers actually love escaping their families at Christmas, the Comet’s undercover reporters have discovered. Whilst on the surface it may seem that footballers annually misread the sympathies of the public by whinging about how their career spent earning significant money for playing an unimportant game means they have to miss out on Christmas dinner.
However, the Comet has discovered players are actually relieved to get away from awkward family boardgames, grandparents’ casual racism, and pretending to enjoy endulging in the kids’ new toys. ‘Think about it,’ one player told us, ‘would you rather be stuck watching Frozen with a group of toddlers for a third successive time, or away in a hotel with your mates?’
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JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE TIME TO PAY TRIBUTE TO YOUR NEXT BIG HERO, HERE’S JACK THE MINER ON CURTIS MAIN What has Curtis Main done wrong? Where’s the love? Where’s the interest? Time was when a new striker would be the talk of the town. What’s wrong with everyone? Offended by his hairstyle? Disappointed we didn’t splash the cash on a trophy signing? Dwelling in a swamp of despair, courtesy of two pre-seasons ruined by Fantasy Island takeovers? Too complacent to make a fuss? Is that it? After all, we’ve done well in recent history with goalscorers. Barely a dud amongst them... Paul Barnes, Greg Blundell, Paul Heffernan, the original Billy Sharp. It’s been a golden era, so perhaps everyone assumes he’ll continue in the same vein... because we’re worth it. Or do we resent the fact he signed from Middlesbrough? After all, some of us can remember being lumbered with a Number Six from Ayresome Park named Brian Taylor. During Stan Anderson’s reign, when Kitchen and O’Callaghan were Gods, we scored for fun. The problem was the opposition did too. Taylor, at the heart of Anderson’s back four, was unanimously crowned the worst central defender in Rovers history by grumpy old gits on the Pop Side. The record stood for decades and, like Bob Beamon’s long-standing world long jump record, it was a relief when the
record was broken. In Taylor’s case, Harry Worley came along and took the title. There was probably a ceremony on the Keepmoat pitch where the now grey-haired Taylor was invited to hand over a plaque to young Harry. Doubtless, true to form, both protagonists failed to pick each other up and stood idly by and bemused as everyone around them got on with the job in hand. Are we suspicious because Curtis was seen as a makeweight in the James Husband deal? Do we really believe that a player who drops a division won’t cut the mustard? It’s a depressingly negative assumption if that’s the case, and given that the last player to arrive as a socalled makeweight was a certain Ian Miller. When T.C.Curran went to Forest, Miller came to Belle Vue and established himself as one of the most exciting players ever to have worn a Rovers shirt. Curran wasn’t missed. So, no good reason I can see to give Curtis the cold shoulder. And as I write this, he’s a striker with 5 goals in 11 appearances. That’s a goal every other game in an injury interrupted season; in a side that is struggling to put together two convincing performances in succession. You think we might be a touch more excited; a little more welcoming. Where’s the much talked about Yorkshire warmth and hospitality?
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So let me greet South Shields born, ex Sunderland trainee, Curtis Main. Curtis Lee Main that is. How cool is that? Like actors, musicians and showbiz types before him, he has that magic middle name to make him a tad more mysterious and interesting. Think Jamie Lee Curtis, David Lee Roth and don’t mention Dave Lee Travis. It works for everyone... Paul Lee Dickov, James Lee Coppinger, John Lee Ryan, Nathan Lee Tyson. In addition to the showbiz name he’s also a record holder -the youngest player and goal scorer in Darlington’s history, at the age of 15 under the tenure of Dave Penney. Penney rated him and said ‘he has good character and is a good footballer.’ And for extra brownie points - and for future quiz nights - it’s worth noting he made his debut as a replacement for Ricky Ravenhill. Brave lad. At 16 he had trials with Premier League Fulham, attracting interest from three other top flight sides. Tony Mowbray, who was impressed by his physical presence and speed, signed him for Middlesbrough.
Mowbray reckoned his finishing with both feet was ‘breathtaking’ and commented, ‘he is potentially a really, really special talent’ and after his debut goal for Boro he said, ‘It wouldn’t have mattered what side it fell onto, his left or his right, as he has that ferocity in either foot, he can smash it as he did tonight.’ Ruptured knee ligaments interrupted his Riverside honeymoon period. Boro fans, initially excited by Main’s promise, were critical of his work rate and tendency to switch off during games. Despite an extended run under Mowbray’s replacement, Aitor Karanka, Main didn’t cement a permanent starting place; although Karanka was blamed by fans for failing to get the best out of him by playing him out of position. As Boro splashed the cash on strikers, it was time to move on to the cleaner air of Doncaster. There you have it. Curtis Lee Main. Cool name, daft haircut, teeny-bopper record breaker, liked and respected by his managers and a goal every two games in the new job. Welcome to Doncaster Rovers.
JTM
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JACK’S CRAIC ARE WE ABOUT TO SEE OUR OWN ‘CLASS OF 92’? JACK PEAT KICKS OFF SIX PAGES ON ROVERS YOUTH ‘You can’t win anything with kids’ said Alan Hansen of David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Nicky Butt and the Neville brothers, shortly before they won a Premier League and FA Cup double, and duly instigated a sustained period of silverware-infested success that created bitter opposition the country wide. The class of ‘92 sure taught that witless Scottish twit a thing or two. They showed there are players out there who can simultaneously sport curtains and lob the keeper from the halfway line, that carrot-tops can really succeed if they put their mind to it, and that even the offspring of a man who boasts the same first name as he has surname can make a bob or two playing footy. But most of all, the Class of ‘92 showcased the raw beauty of fledgling footballers who are untainted by the baggage of experience. Nurtured correctly, you can win everything with youth. Fergie’s Fledglings, like the Busby Babes, were successful not because they were big name signings, but because they had been nurtured by the club and were invested in its values and ambitions as a result. Those six youngsters of the ‘92 academy lit up the league, and they weren’t alone. Ryan Giggs wouldn’t have torn teams apart, again, if it wasn’t for old whisky nose, nor would we have seen Clayton Blackmore’s mullet or Robbie Savage’s blonde locks, although he negates my point more than enforces it.
Now, I wouldn’t say there are Hansensin-the-making in Doncaster, but there has been murmurings of caution following the announcement that our academy scored 59 per cent in the EPPP audit, placing it within the top three Category 3 academies in the country. Seventeen youth team players have been offered first team contracts over the last three years with Liam Wakefield already breaking into the first team squad and Harry Middleton and Ben Askins likely to follow suit. Then there’s ‘the likes of ’ 18 year-old Scottish born Jack McKay. Named club’s Academy Player of the Year in 2013 he has been described as an “outstanding prospect” by Sky Sports scout with a potential ability of nine out of ten and potential value of £5 million, which is likely why Dickov has offered him a two year deal after Everton and Crystal Palace reportedly came sniffing. The one we’ve already cashed in on, James Husband, went to Middlesbrough for (rumoured) half a million pounds after making 73 appearances for the club with Curtis Main moving the other way as part of the deal. This is the sort of foundation Rovers have been lacking for some time and we should embrace it, because a club with youth at heart is a club with a future. For that reason I found recent comments in the Free Press (naming no names, Paul Schoodwin) regarding quality over quantity rather perverse.
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Perhaps we’re still a few years from big clubs making lucrative offers for our crop of youngsters and we’re still to see Paul’s Progeny (Dickov’s Developments was my other crack at that), but given the short period in which we’ve ramped up youth efforts at Cantley Park, I foresee no issues at all in the quantity of players to be offered professional contracts. Rather, I’m enthused about the club’s impetus on youth development, and I believe Rob Jones will be influential in ensuring (ala Schoodwin’s concerns) that we nurture the players coming through the development ranks, turning mutton in to lamb as they say in the Welsh valleys*.
For me, it comes down to a rather simple question. What would we rather? Throw money at a few proven professional footballers or take a punt on seventeen youngsters that have been developed as part of a forwardlooking club that invests in the future. Quantity and quality can be bedfellows when it comes to youth, Husband, Wakefield, McKay, Middleton, Askins, Liam Mandeville and others will prove that. We just have to wait and see.
(*disclaimer: they don’t ever say that).
Theo Robinson image courtesy of Steve Uttley Photography
JP
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THE CUP OF YOUTH IN A SUPERB FANZINE DEBUT ROBERT MARSHALL RECALLS THE SIDE THAT REACHED THE 1988 FA YOUTH CUP FINAL Though we may have reached the third round this year, Rovers don’t boast a great deal of pedigree in the FA Cup, particularly in recent seasons. There can, however, be one success marked against the name of Doncaster Rovers in the shape of the 1988 FA Youth Cup Final. Steve Beaglehole, one of the country’s top coaches, took the reins of the youth side at a time it seemed likely that it would be wound up. Financial pressures loomed large, but somehow he produced a side the envy of top flight clubs around the country. Manchester United’s illustrious class of ’92 ended with commemoration on the big screen. Their Belle Vue counterparts, whilst from a more humble setting, are just as deserving of a second look. There are a few things which immediately leap out from Belle Vue’s most illustrious crop of youngsters, not least some questionable attempts at facial hair, or Mark Rankine’s immaculately presented afro. However, the main attribute was a will to win, instilled and illustrated by Beaglehole himself: ‘They have a never say die attitude and they will run until they drop’.
Sometimes they did; playing in the Northern Intermediate League, they were often pitched against stronger, more physical opposition and regularly ran out of steam; making mistakes which would see results slip away from them. However, the FA Youth Cup brought age restrictions into play, meaning the kids fought amongst their peers, and they blossomed. The team was built on a solid defence which included Rufus Brevett, Steve Raffell and England Schoolboy international Paul Raven. They played on the floor; through the midfield with Steve Gaughan and skipper Mark Rankine offering pace, energy and a consistent goal threat. All had already been thrust into a first team struggling in the old Division Three and played a game based on attack, with the familiar theme of everyone working for each other. The Cup began in November 1987 with a trip to Preston; a game in which the Rovers side dominated. ‘The team played as I know they can play and totally outclassed the home team’. The manager was right, as Rovers were outstanding all over pitch and ran out 4-1 winners. This was followed by close wins over Port Vale (1-0) and notably, over Sheffield Wednesday, who were beaten 2-1.
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The Rovers reputation was now growing and the fourth round trip to Plymouth courted controversy. In the end the match was played on a Monday evening and Rovers, able to field their better players, ran out 6-3 winners and looked head and shoulders above their more fancied opponents as they steamrollered their way to a quarter final against Manchester City. However, the side’s preparations for the tie were dealt a huge blow with the news that left back Rufus Brevett would be missing as a result of an injury picked up on first team duty. Still, a crowd of 2,310 headed to Belle Vue (bigger than most first team gates that year) to see the clash with a City side which boasted a host of youth internationals. City were dangerous on the break, but Rovers had the better of the play with Neil Morris, Gaughan and Rankine all going close before they eventually gained reward thanks to a superbly struck free kick from Gaughan. City fought back and leveled six minutes from time, but Rovers refused to give in. A goalmouth scramble caused havoc in the box, with City defender Willie Burns penalised for handball, to earn Rovers a dramatic last-minute penalty. With no sign of any nerves, 17-year-old Steve Gaughan coolly converted to snatch victory.
Tottenham Hotspur were the visitors for the first game of the two-legged semi-final, which saw an amazing 5,210 strong crowd. The Rovers never really got going and struggled in a stop-start display. Yet, despite never finding a rhythm, they found themselves in a commanding position as Rankine and Raven gave them a 2-0 lead, although Spurs hit back to leave the tie in the balance at 2-1. The return leg in London was fierce; both sides traded blows before the hosts went ahead after the hour to level the tie at 2-2. A nail-biting ending saw the game edge into extra time where the young reds showed the battling character the run had been built on. The excellent Steve Raffell, blood streaming from his eye from an earlier challenge, slipped a great ball through to Rankine who fired home to stun White Hart Lane and send the Rovers into the final. The first leg at Belle Vue against Arsenal attracted the biggest gate at the ground for three years, with 6,451 in attendance at the most unlikeliest of FA Cup final venues. ‘All I can say is that we were totally outplayed on the night,’ Beaglehole commented, after a game which did not go according to plan.
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THE CUP OF YOUTH
CONTINUED FROM PAGES 24 AND 25 Arsenal were the strongest side in the tournament and boasted players like David Hillier, Steve Morrow, Neil Heaney and, most tellingly of all, Kevin Campbell, who had scored over sixty goals that season and would go on to enjoy a career at the highest level. His pace and power proved the difference on the night as he notched a first half hat-trick. The Rovers youngsters never gave up, but the final whistle came as a relief when it ended the misery at 0-5. In the second leg the battling spirit was back and present in abundance. Rovers dominated the early proceedings, but were forced to settle for a pride restoring 1-1 draw. A superb Arsenal side were value for their win, but the Rovers kids had competed with the cream of the country’s youth teams and were nothing but a credit to the club. Eight members of this exceptional youth side signed professional deals and went on to become the heart of the first team. These talented home grown assets ultimately kept the club going during the early 1990’s. Who knows what value they would command today?
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WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CLASS OF ‘88
From Molineaux to Moloko, what the starting XI against Arsenal did next 1. Lee Lamont
Went on to play non-league football with Maidstone and Boston United.
2. Mark Hall
Played a couple of senior games before dropping into non-league with Grantham Town.
3. Rufus Brevett
Remains a cult figure at Rovers making over 100 appearances before a record move to QPR of £275,000. Played in the top flight for Rangers, Fulham and West Ham where he was on the verge of an England call up.
4. Steve Raffell
A star of the youth team, became a regular in the first team before drifting into non league with Boston United and Blyth Spartans.
5. Paul Raven
Became a key figure for the first team before a big money move to West Brom where he played over 250 games during a decade at The Hawthorns.
6. David Snowball
Unfortunate to find himself released following the final despite appearing throughout the run.
7. Andy Peckett
Went on to become a professional drummer and toured with the band ‘Moloko’. Last seen running a florists with his wife.
8. Mark Rankine
Ranks became the heart of the Rovers midfield; box to box and always popped up with crucial goals. He enjoyed a great career in the Football League with moves to Wolves and Preston playing over 700 games.
9. Neil Morris
Brother of Chesterfield legend Andy Morris, he made only one senior appearance for Rovers and drifted away from the game after a very brief spell with York.
10. Andy Winship
Along with Snowball, one of only two graduates who never made a league appearance for the Rovers.
11. Steve Gaughan
Became a mainstay of Rovers midfield before leaving for Sunderland in 1990. He enjoyed a long career with Darlington, Chesterfield (with whom he reached the FA Cup semi-final in 1997) and Halifax.
Bernard Glover's
BELIEVE IT or NOT One-time Rovers utility player Kevin Sandwith is currently appearing in panto as Abanazar at The Orchard Theatre, Dartford a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster | December 2014 | PS73 | 27
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE CONFESSIONS OF AN AUTOGRAPH HUNTER FROM KERRANG! EDITOR JAMES MCMAHON A few weeks back, I went to see QPR play at Loftus Road. I do this quite a lot when I can’t watch Rovers, or when Orient, my local team, are away. Tickets are cheap - or at least at the foot of the Premier League ticket price-mountain – and while given the club themselves represent much of what’s downright disgusting about modern football, their fanbase is impassioned and funny and I really like the chip shop around the corner. Not only that, but sometimes it’s possible to see Rufus Brevett walking from the Tube to the ground. Much like any Rovers player I watched as a kid – with the exception of Peter Heritage, the lazy bastard - I loved Rufus Brevett. And so a few weeks back, I quickened my pace and tried to head him off at the pass (by pass, I actually mean, the forever hilarious Batman Dental Practice – a real place! An actual place!). A confession: I collect autographs. Now, I am aware that collecting autographs, or at least adults collecting autographs, is a pastime on a par with dogging in how it’s viewed by most. In the early days, I lied to my partner about collecting, for many months of our relationship in fact, until one day when I was convinced I’d done enough good stuff for her not to dump me, I sat down and let it all out, tears and snot flying everywhere.
She accepted my hobby as part of my life (she’s very understanding, thankfully) but I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure it’s ever truly been the same since. I’ve collected since I was a kid, ever since I was young and socially inept enough to ask Martin O’Neill for an autograph, during a game between Doncaster and his Wycombe team in the early 90’s (he declined, funnily enough). This was something O’Neill remembered over twenty-years later when I reminded him of it when asking for his signature as Sunderland boss. ‘Oh, that was you’ he said, before walking away. Briskly. Actually it was more of a fast walk. Maybe even a trot. I was slightly irritated. It’s me who has to live with the shame of having done that thing every single day of my wretched life, a bit like I’ve killed someone in a hit and run, or I’ve stolen the charity calendar money (I really need to reign in how much I watch EastEnders, I know). I should say that there have been periods where I haven’t collected, long periods in fact, normally when I’ve had girlfriends. Also, I don’t go to every game I attend, erm, Sharpied up so to speak. Increasingly, I can’t be bothered. It’s hard to give a shit about wanting anything from anyone who carries a Gucci washbag, let alone
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increases their speed to get away from a child shouting their name and holding out paper, like that paper is actually a flap of ebola infected skin, and not, you know, a budget notepad from the Poundshop. Not that they’re all like that. You know who’s a good bloke? Joe Cole. And Ashley Williams. And Eden Hazard. And I could go on. And it’s not even the footballers’ fault, not really. It’s the industry that treats them like they’re the last remaining Liger in Doctor Bumface’s Travelling Circus & Freak Show. But I digress. I haven’t got to anything resembling a point yet, and I’m rapidly running out of words. I’ve questioned why I do still bother – and it’s a difficult question. I guess it’s the same reason I collected as a kid. Because I buy into the star system. Because the little kid from Armthorpe wants to coat himself in a bit of stardust. But then I don’t pore over inked signatures in my bedroom like I did as a kid. I’ve got an Xbox and I’m old enough to go to pubs and stuff. Also, and there’s absolutely no way to say this without sounding like a knobhead, so I’ll just leap right on in… occasionally, due to what I do for a living, I get asked for an autograph myself.
When it happens I freeze and often reply with, ‘me? Really, are you sure? I can probably go find a properly famous person like the bassist from You Me At Six instead if you want?’ and then I sign my name. And I feel silly, and I think, ‘I’m not better than these people, so why do they want anything from me?’ And I just feel confused about the very question I came in on. Rufus was great by the way. He signed my book. I told him I used to watch him as a kid at Belle Vue. He replied with ‘ah, those were the days’ and I guess for a few seconds, he was again a footballer on the brink of his breakthrough season and I was a kid with cinder in my eyes and probably pizza for tea if I can talk my dad into it upon picking me up at full-time. And I wonder if that’s why I still do this, to collect moments, emotional fingerprints if you like. And that’s important to me, especially as I struggle to find more and more reasons not to walk away feeling antipathy towards the sport I’ve devoted most of my life following. I don’t know. And I sure as hell have run out of words now anyway.
JM
Bernard Glover's
BELIEVE IT or NOT A five-year-old Mark Samways appeared on Top of the Pops in 1973 playing a toy saxophone and singing the refrain on Wizzard’s festive hit I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday
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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND PROMPTED BY A TIMELY STAT FROM THE WIN AT WATFORD, DUTCH UNCLE LOOKS AT THE LEAGUE CUP As was pointed out at the time, when Rovers won at Watford in August this was the first time in our entire history that we had won an away match in the League Cup beyond the first round. This is already an indication that Rovers’ record in the competition is not the greatest, despite the two famous runs to the quarter finals in 1975-76 and 2005-06.
In fact this season was the 50th time we have entered the competition since it started in the 1960-61 season, and apart from the two quarter final exits against Tottenham and Arsenal, the remaining campaigns have provided 25 exits in the first round, 16 exits in the second round, and only seven exits in the third round. And one of those relatively ‘high-achieving’ third round seasons, in 1960-61, was assisted by a first round bye.
Our full record, by round, over the 50 seasons is as follows:
If this is split by league level of opponents this becomes:
Two notes on the above: 1. One match was played on neutral terrain; a first round second replay against Lincoln in 1976-77 was played at the City Ground, Nottingham. This is counted as an away match.
2. Six matches which ended in penalty shoot-outs are counted as draws. These are the four wins against Lincoln (1976-77, 1st round), Man City (2005-06, 2nd round), Derby (2006-07, 2nd round), York (2012-13, 1st round), and the two defeats against Arsenal (2005-06, 5th round) and Wycombe Wanderers (2006-07, 3rd round).
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In its first few seasons the League Cup struggled to gain popularity, with many of the big clubs choosing not to enter, and those who did treating it less seriously - some things never change. This helped Rochdale, a midtable Division Four side, to reach the two-legged final in 1961-62, the competition’s second season. Things improved after a Wembley final was introduced in 1966-67, and even more when the Football League managed to gain a place in European competition for the League Cup winners from 1967-68, although this was only valid if the winners were a top flight club. Rovers’ early years were characterised by a few good wins, and several very large losses - 0-7 at home to Chelsea, 0-4 at Rochdale in their golden year, 0-5 at Birmingham, and 0-4 at home to Burnley although at least on this occasion there was the consolation of our largest ever home attendance in the competition; 24,988. As a fourth tier side we did beat Stoke, then of Division 2, 3-2 in our first ever League Cup match in 1960, and Preston, a team that was fresh from losing the FA Cup Final the previous May, 1-0. In those early years drawn matches were replayed, potentially multiple times (although that only happened to Rovers once, against Lincoln), and thus in 1966-67 three replays meant six matches played and twelve goals scored on our way to a third round replay exit against Swindon. Laurie Sheffield scored six of those goals. These figures have only been beaten once, in 1975-6 when on our way to losing at Tottenham in the Quarter Final we played seven matches, scored 13 goals, with Brendan O’Callaghan equalling Laurie’s record of six League Cup goals in a season.
The 1975-76 season was a watershed sone for the Football League Cup with the introduction of two legged matches, but only in the first round. Rovers beat Grimsby 3-1 at home and drew 0-0 at Blundell Park. Victories over Crystal Place and Torquay (after a replay) brought a famous home 4th round match against Hull when goals from Peter Kitchen and Stan Ternent earned a 2-1 win at Belle Vue in front of 20,476 spectators. The subsequent quarter-final at White Hart Lane saw Rovers dominate for 60 minutes, with only some fine saves from Pat Jennings keeping the score at 2-2. A bizarre own goal turned the game the hosts’ way, and four more late goals resulted in an extremely unfair final score of 7-2. I travelled back from the Netherlands to see this game with a lifelong friend and Tottenham supporter who spent most of the time with his head in his hands. But you know it is not a good day when a player called Pratt scores against you. The following season also provided a watershed moment - namely the first ever penalty shoot-out in the League Cup - which just happened to involve Rovers. After two drawn matches with Lincoln City a third match was played at Nottingham Forest’s City Ground. Rovers won the shootout 3-2, and thus have a claim to be the first team to win a shootout in a ‘live’ English national competition. [Here I discount the pre-season Watney Cup of 1970 (not national), the FA Cup 3rd place play-off of 1971-72 (not a ‘live’ match in my personal opinion) and the 1974 Charity Shield] Incidentally, it was not until the 1991-92 season that penalty shoot-outs were first introduced in the FA Cup.
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WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND CONTINUED FROM PAGES 30 AND 31 After that penalty shoot-out win over Lincoln in 1976, first round aggregate wins over Sheffield United in 1979-80 (4-2), Chesterfield in 1981-2 (1-1 won on away goals), Scunthorpe in 1983-84 (4-1) and Scarborough in 1987-88 (4-2) provided Rovers only progress until 2003. In 1978-79 it did take three matches with Sheffield Wednesday to determine a winner - Rovers and Wednesday swapped 1-0 away wins so a playoff match was organised. Unfortunately for Rovers it was at Belle Vue, and the pattern of 1-0 away wins inevitably continued. Following the 1987-88 first round success against Scarborough, the two-legged second round tie with Arsenal was lost 0-4 on aggregate, and then the first round ties in the ten seasons from 1988-89 to our disaster relegation season of 199798 were all lost. In fact we did not win a single one of those 20 matches, thus forming a run of 22 matches in the competition without a single win until our first match back in the competition after our return from the Conference. This was a stirring comeback from 0-2 down to defeat nine-man Grimsby 3-2 at Belle Vue. The last minute winner for Rovers against the Blundell Park outfit could only really have come from one source Greg Blundell.
Across all ties in the League Cup Rovers have a goal difference of minus 70. This is due partially to suffering 56 defeats against only 36 wins, and also to a tendency to suffer large defeats with few large wins. Our 7-0 home drubbing by Chelsea in the inaugural 1960-61 season is not even our largest home defeat - that was Nottingham Forest’s 8-0 win at Belle Vue in 1997. Equally the 7-2 defeat at Tottenham is not our largest away defeat - that was 6-0 at Newcastle in 1973 when Malcolm MacDonald scored a hattrick. We have never won a match by more than 3 goals - with the 5-2 win (after extra time) against Bradford City in 1966 being the only time we have scored five goals. On the other hand, in addition to the heavy defeats already referenced we have also conceded six goals on two occasions and five goals on six occasions, the most recent coming against Tottenham in 2009. We have won by three goals on just six occasions with the most memorable being the 3-0 win over Aston Villa in 2006 - our only ninety minute victory against a top flight team.
Dean Furman in action during Rovers’ only ever non-first round away win; 2-1 at Watford. 32 | PS73 | December 2014 | a football fanzine for the likes of Doncaster
Iconic League Cup scorers (clockwise): Walker, O’Callaghan, Sheffield, Wakefield, Douglas and Kitchen.
In fact we have beaten opposition from a higher division on 17 occasions (the last being Watford this year) and lost to opposition from a lower league on only four occasions. However, this is rendered less impressive, when you remember that for thirty of the fifty seasons we have taken part as a side in the lowest division. The first occasion we lost to lower opposition was as a Division Three side in 1970 when we lost to Darlington. The other three times were much more recent, against Wycombe as a third tier side in 2006, and losing to fourth tier Notts County and Accrington Stanley whilst in the Championship.
Our 162 goals have been scored by two opposition players and 97 of our own, although there is doubt as to whether Graeme Lee scored against Wycombe or whether it was an own goal. Our first goal in the competition was scored by Ronnie Walker in 1960 and the (probably) 97th Rovers player to score was Liam Wakefield. Either way, there is a case to say that the next player to score their first goal in the competition for Rovers will be the 100th to do so. Our leading scorer is Brendan O’Callaghan with 10, followed by Peter Kitchen with seven, Laurie Sheffield with six, Colin Douglas with five, Paul Heffernan, Alick Jeffrey and Michael McIndoe with four, and James Coppinger, Jonathan Forte, Archie Irvine, Mark McCammon, Ian Nimmo and Graham Watson with three each. There have been two hat-tricks - Peter Kitchen at Meadow Lane against Notts County in 1973 and Brendan O’Callaghan against Grimsby in 1975. Finally a quiz question. There have been a total of seven different sponsors of the Football League Cup. How many of these organisatons can you name correctly, and which organisation sponsored the competition for the longest? Surprisingly the exact name of this organisation may well be the one you find most difficult to recall. Answers can be found at the foot of page 16. Caveat: No figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all the Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson. For definitive data the reader is referred to Tony Bluff and/or Barry Watson.
BW
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FROM BENEATH THE STATUE EDITOR GLEN WILSON ON THE PULL OF BOXING DAY FOOTBALL I’m not entirely sure what the history of Boxing Day is, or indeed how it got its name. I’d look it up, but I’ve foolishly chosen to write this in the one café in London that manages to boast both floor-to-ceiling windows and no phone signal whatsoever. Let us presume it is due to a tradition relating to boxed gifts of some kind, and not a long and sustained marketing campaign from the WBA. Anyway, the purpose of this column is not to deliver an episode of Call My Bluff dedicated to the meaning of Boxing Day (*ding* “actually pronounced Be-oxing Day Bob, it takes its name from the trade of cattle…”). No, we’re here for the football, which I would strongly argue, is precisely why Boxing Day exists. Local derbies, a heady smell of alcohol drifting from all present, an arsenal of Christmasthemed terrace chants at your disposal; what else could you want? As Rovers fans, we’ve been lucky enough to enjoy some brilliant Boxing Day games. The win at Nottingham Forest back in 2008 springs immediately to mind, as the game that everything which Sean O’Driscoll had preached finally came together. My then girlfriend came to that game with me, and on the way there, as she tired of my enthusiasm and excitement with each passing junction of the A57, she boldly predicted a 6-0 Rovers win. I duly sulked at her refusal to humour me with a proper prediction.
Two hours later, as Paul Heffernan celebrated in front of us having just made it 4-0, I began telling everyone in ear-shot that we were due two more goals; ‘6-0! 6-0! I’m telling you, she predicted it on the way here! 6-0!’ And then there was the 1-0 victory over Scunthorpe back in 2003, when Gregg Blundell struck the only goal in front of a packed Belle Vue and wheeled away, tearing off his shirt to reveal a torso so white it could make an albino blush through pure jealousy. So dazzlingly white was Blundell’s chest that even now, when I close my eyes, I can still see it… like that glow you see after you’ve inadvertently looked straight at a light-bulb. I should point out, that I don’t advocate the whole holidays being dedicated to football. I am big enough to concede that Christmas Day should probably be spent with family. I can live with that. I quite like my family. However, in recent years this has meant me spending Christmas in Kent. However, they play football down here too thankfully, it’s not all Rugby Union and switching to UKIP. Last year we pitched up at Maidstone United versus Margate, the year before my mum and I enjoyed Tonbridge Angels against Dover Athletic – more of a shock for her than me, given the previous match she’d been at was Australia vs Guam.
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But if Kent is the garden of England, it appears that this year they’ve wedged a ‘No Ball Games’ sign in the lawn. Gillingham are away, Dartford is the wrong side of Bluewater and the scrooges and Grinchs of the Ryman League committee have chosen to play their holiday games on the 27th. Boxing Day football on the 27th?! That’s like moving Good Friday to a Tuesday afternoon. So, now I find myself considering the year’s major football date, without being at the football. What will this mean? What do people without football in their lives do with this day? Go to the sales? Shop among the sort of people who think it’s acceptable to queue outside Next from 4am, cheerily oblivious to the fact that Next doesn’t actually sell anything worth queuing for. Not for me. Cook? Spend hours in the kitchen trying to find a vaguely new thing to do with yesterday’s turkey, and then spending the rest of the day trying to explain to a grandparent how to eat a fajita. No, ta. And, I’ve checked the television schedules and there is nothing to fill the void. It’s all snow-backed cartoons, bad actors dying on soaps, anything and everything featuring Miranda Hart or ‘celebrities’ in inverted commas and sequins, twatting about on the arm of an over-tanned, underdressed Lithuanian clothes horse for the miss-timed pleasure of the latest incarnation of Bruce Forsyth. None of this is Boxing Day. Maybe for some people it is, and I generally feel for them. Imagine taking your last mouthful of Christmas Pudding and the realisation that the only thing left for you to look forward to is an hour of brussel-sprout based fart jokes in the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. The poor sods. No, Boxing Day is, and always should be football.
Boxing Day is sticking on all the socks you’ve been bought the day before, giving your new jumper its solitary wear, stuffing your pockets with as many chocolates as you can from the giant Quality Street tin on the side-table and heading outside to the match. Boxing Day is standing at the game among folk with hangovers and men wearing gravy-stained santa hats - men who’ve been permanently pissed since Mad Friday - feeling your feet go numb and laughing and yelling at twenty-two fellas who are trying to pretend they wouldn’t rather be where you are. That’s Boxing Day. It is football, and I can see no other purpose for its existence. To try and separate the two is to take the turkey from the previous days table, or the sleigh-bells from every Christmas single ever recorded. You just can’t have one without the other. So, if you’re my sister or my mum and you’re reading this, I reckon we can get to Whitstable Town versus Herne Bay and get back before grandma has finished her afternoon nap. You defrost the windscreen, I’ll get a carrier and ransack the Celebrations. Start the car!
GW
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FOLLOWS THE ROVERS: AT CHRISTMAS MIKE FOLLOWS BRINGS US A CHRISTMAS TALE; IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE HOME ALONE AT 30 WHARF STREET WITH THE GRINCH On the evening of Friday 19 December, in the Rovers house on Wharf Street in Bawtry, all the players were sitting down to eat their, pasta, chicken and beans ahead of their trip to Swindon in the morning. As usual, little Jamie Coppinger was being jostled away from the table. By the time he got there, Andy Butler had eaten all the spaghetti which really wasn’t fair as Jamie only likes spaghetti and wouldn’t touch the penne or conchiglie that was left over. An argument inevitably broke out and Andy’s Dandelion & Burdock got knocked over just as Paul Dickov walked into the dining room. Poor little Jamie got the blame for the mess and was sent straight to bed. As he sat sulking in his room, he wished he never had to play football with his mean team-mates again. The following morning, Jamie woke to find the house empty, the coach for Swindon having long since departed. He couldn’t believe that his wish had come true. He ran around the house, jumped on Theo Robinson’s bed, read Kyle Bennett’s comics and splashed some of Gavin Baldwin’s aftershave on before sitting down to eat a huge bowl of ice cream and watch a film. Unbeknownst to little Copps, a rather unpleasant robber was prowling around outside. With all the footballers gone for the day, this was the perfect opportunity for the Grinch to steal all their Christmas presents.
No Playstation game for Curtis Main this year. No Wintergreen for Wellens, no tracksuit from Hollister for Harry Forrester. The Grinch sneaked into the garden but before he reached the house he knocked over the recycling box and Copps dashed to the window. The Grinch sneered and vowed to return later when the house was sure to be empty. Meanwhile, at Strensham services, Paul Dickov and Brian Horton were in a panic, having realised that they’d left Coppinger at home. Horton decided to hitch-hike back to Doncaster but Dickov blamed himself for being useless and irresponsible. He walked to the hard shoulder of the M5 and was just about to throw himself under an articulated lorry when a stranger tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Don’t try to stop me’, Dickov shouted, turning to face the stranger. ‘I’m no good for these players. They’d be better off without me.’ The stranger looked pityingly at Paul Dickov and said ‘I’m your guardian angel and these players need you more than you know. Let me show you.’ He took Dickov by the hand and transported him to a vision of the Rovers house. The players were sad and downtrodden. Their dreams extinguished and expressions of despair hung on their faces. What could have made them all so miserable?
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And then it became clear. Their new gaffer, Alan Knill walked into the room to a chorus of groans. ‘Oh no. What have I done?’ exclaimed Dickov. ‘Please say it’s not too late. Please say I can save my players from that.’ He blinked and found himself back at Strensham. A pork pie salesman had just pulled over to offer Brian Horton a lift and Dickov ran over to the car. ‘Take charge of the match, Brian. I’ve got more important things to do.’ He said as he jumped into the passenger seat. As they sped up the motorway to Doncaster, James Coppinger was busy setting booby traps for the Grinch. There was no way that he was going to let anyone steal Christmas and get away with it. He glued a row of nails from Rob Jones’s cereal box to the floor of the porch. He greased up the doorstep with Dickov’s hair product and scattered Reece Wabara’s toy cars in the hallway. He then set a roaring fire in the hearth and laid in wait.
As expected, the Grinch came up the driveway as soon as darkness fell. He slipped on the doorstep and landed face first on the bed of nails. Undeterred he returned to open the front door but took another tumble over the toy cars. Coppinger taunted the Grinch and ran to the Crown Hotel where the police Christmas party was in full swing. The Grinch came running in after him and was soon packed off for a night in the cells. Little Copps had done a great job but he couldn’t help feeling lonely as he returned home. He sat at the bottom of the stairs and within a minute the door opened again. Paul Dickov ran over to Copps and gave him a big hug, promising never to leave him home alone with the Grinch at Thirty Wharf Street again. After all, it’s a wonderful life. Merry Christmas.
MF
THIS ISSUE STEVE IS...
...disappointed to discover it’s actually a trophy, and not, as he’d hoped, a biscuit barrel.
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REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE OUR LEGAL ADVISOR HAS BEEN HOSED DOWN READY TO ANSWER YOUR FESTIVE PROBLEMS STAR LETTER RUDE OFF THE RED NOSE REINDEER Dear Reg, After a few drinks the missus suggested I get her a festive dress up outfit. After twenty years at De Mulders my imagination went mad and I got her a reindeer costume. She has tried it on and it has really floated my boat. However, turns out she apparently had a Sexy Santa outfit in mind. I don’t really want to shell out another £5 on a second costume. What should I do? Rudolph Spaff, Bentley
REG RESPONDS I’ve always had a thing for cats since Catwoman was on Batman in the 1960s. I got thrown out of that Lloyd Webber play for stroking too enthusiastically. Try telling her she looks like Bambi and get yourself a rabbit outfit and you can be Thumper. Me and the ex, role-played that for years, ‘til she got shot. Of me. Anyway, I’ve an old rabbit costume you can have. £2 and it’s yours.
COOKING AWFUL Dear Reginald, I have got a new lass who loves the Rovers, likes a wrestle in bed and doesn’t mind when I fart on the settee or in bed. Problem is, eating her cooking is like one of them challenges on ‘I’m a Celebrity’. She’s invited me over for Christmas Dinner but me mum does a lovely spread. I don’t want to have dry nuts over the festive season. Any tips? Terry Stuffing, Edenhorpe
REG RESPONDS Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Buy some big pants off Trousers Asif on the market and do lunch with them both like that Vicar of Dibdab off the telly.
HURLY DOORS Hi Reg, I have got a new fella. Problem is he gets two beers in him and he gets all fighty with other blokes, throws up and ends up getting us thrown out of the pub. He’s even been barred from the wacky warehouse. I’m fed up of having to spend the rest of the evening without him. As a seasoned drinker you must have some ideas haven’t you? Betty Spews, Town Moor
REG RESPONDS He has what Rovers fans call Forrester Syndrome. Never lasts long enough. Try giving him alcohol free beer and lemonade - hopefully he’ll manage to stay out long enough to enjoy a bag of chips with you on the way home.
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HB