ClawfulSimply

What does a lobster call his wife? His butter half.

Why are lobsters terrible friends? Because they’re so shellfish.

Where do lobsters go when they need to borrow some money? To the prawnbroker.

this, rock that, rock lobster!’” In his last interview, three days before he was murdered on December 8, 1980, John Lennon told Rolling Stone that “Rock Lobster” inspired him to start recording music again after a five-year hiatus. “I was at a dance club one night in Bermuda. Upstairs, they were playing disco, and downstairs I suddenly heard ‘Rock Lobster’ by the B-52’s for the first time...It sounds just like Yoko’s music, so I said to meself, ‘It’s time to get out the old ax and wake the wife up!’”

Seeing Green

My friend Dick told me a story about some people who ordered lobsters and had them shipped by plane. But when the lobsters arrived, they were green, not red, so, thinking that they were spoiled, the people threw them away.

— Robert Karl Skoglund, The humble Farmer

“SHE’S YOUR LOBSTER!”

In the second season of Friends, Phoebe reas-

A man ordered lobster for dinner When it arrived, he complained to the waiter, “Hey, this lobster only has one claw!”

The waiter explained, “That lobster was in a fight.”

“OK, then,” replied the man. “Bring me the winner!”

How much salt do lobsters use when cooking pasta? Just a pinch.

A tourist pulled over at a roadside stand advertising “Lobster Tails, $5” and counted out five singles. The kid in charge of the stand pocketed the money and began, “Once upon a time, there was this lobster...” sures Ross that Rachel is his ‘lobster,’ because “It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank hold- ing claws.” While Phoebe’s pronouncements aren’t known for scientific accuracy, if you take a peek in the next lobster tank you see, you just might catch a glimpse of lobster love.

What do you call a famous lobster? A shell-ebrity.

Where are there no hipster lobsters? In the Mainestream.

Where do lobsters wait for the bus? At the bustacean.

Lobsters On The Loose

In his 1977 comedy Annie Hall, Woody Allen’s character, Alvy, races around the kitchen hiding from half a dozen live lobsters and his teasing girlfriend. As Annie holds one up in front of his face, he says, “Talk to him—you speak shellfish!”

Lady In The Lobster

For some, breaking open lobster shells isn’t just a hassle—it’s a treasure hunt for the small piece of cartilage resembling a woman with long, flowing hair that’s located just above the lobster’s stomach. One Massachusetts family even wrote a fable about her entitled “Ye Olde Legend of the Lady in the Lobster.” Actor and Portland native Victoria Rowell remembers it as “the Virgin Mary story, introduced to me in Boston in the 1970s!”

Surrealist Shellfish

Salvador Dali seemed to have a special love for lobsters. His most well-known lobster creation is Aphrodisiac Telephone, a rotary phone with a lobster-shaped handset, and he collaborated with Italian fashion designer Elsa Schiaparelli to create a lobster dress included in Wallis Simpson’s trousseau for her marriage to the former King Edward VIII. Dali was especially interested in lobster’s erotic qualities, covering the genitalia of semi-nude live models with them at the 1939 New York World’s Fair.

GUACA-TOMALLEY

A customer once gave us a bad review because he thought the tomalley was avocado. He thought we stuffed the lobsters with avocado before we cooked them.

– Ethan Morgan, Portland Lobster Company

Note to summer visitors: Don’t be fooled by unscrupulous Maine restaurants offering a deal on “Twin Lobsters.” Any truly reputa- ble establishment will be willing to provide appropriate DNA documentation that the lobsters are, in fact, actual biological twins. If not, take your hard-earned cash and move on to the next lobster shack.

—Tim Sample

A Narrow Escape

They’re like armored spiders—it’s terrible. My dad bought some live when I was a kid and released them so they could chase me around the kitchen.

—Hanna Flewelling

Did you see the lobster protesters from California marching at the lobster festival in Rockland? The next day I saw a protester eating a hamburger in McDonald’s, which puzzled me until someone explained that they really don’t contain enough meat to count.

—Robert Karl Skoglund, The humble Farmer n

Available at Coffee By Design coffeehouses, online and select wholesale partners.