The Parenting Issue Personal Stories on Parenting
Learning from Parenting Classes
Resources for families
In This Issue The Parenting Issue May 2021 Letter from the Executive Director
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Word of the month
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Resources for families
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Learning from Parenting Classes
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Excerpt from Why I Do What I Do
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Personal Story: What Could’ve Been
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Personal Story: Wishes for a Mother-to-be
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Letter from the Executive Director Our May issue comes out between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Being a parent is hard. Being or having a parent within the justice system is …complicated. And the truth is, incarceration doesn’t just affect the person, it affects families. In this issue, we will discuss communicating with your child with humility, and how parenting classes can help. I’m also excited to publish two personal essays – one from one of our regular writers, and one from a participant of one of our programs. Additionally, we are including an excerpt from a previous article from one of our volunteers who grew up with a father who had been incarcerated. We hope you enjoy this issue. Sincerely, Porche Proffit
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Masthead and Contributors Editor-in-Chief, Porsche Proffit Editor, Ericka Foster
Contributors Writer, Maggie Allen Writer, D. Elizondo Writer, Amanda Knight Writer, Natalie Rodriguez-Steen
Positive Transitioning Inc. is a non–profit organization that provides information and resources for individuals reentering the community after incarceration. In addition to this magazine, Positive Transitioning Inc. offers a 24-hour Resource/Listening Line that services all 50 states. The Resource/Listening line is staffed by life coaches, and provides individuals with the immediate support and resources they may be needed during reentry. Positive Transitioning Inc. also provides individuals life coaches that will assist them in every step of the reentry process: housing, education, employment, vocational training, obtaining government benefits, veteran assistance, medical management, sponsorship, financial stability, family reintegration, and legal assisting. Currently Positive Transitioning Inc. is entirely web–based as we are hoping that this makes it easily accessible for anyone to access from anywhere.
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Hu·mil·i·ty a modest or low view of one's own importance With pride, there are many curses. With humility, there come many blessings. Ezra Taft Benson
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Resources for Families Annie E. Casey Foundation Baltimore, Maryland aecf.org The primary mission of the Annie E. Casey Foundation is to foster public policies, human service reforms, and community supports that meet the needs of today's vulnerable children and families. Assisting Families of Inmates Richmond, Virginia afoi.org The mission of AFOI is to provide opportunities for regular, meaningful visitation, referrals to community resources, and other services that help families cope with incarceration and prepare for release and reunification. AFOI is one of only a handful of such programs to provide these services in Virginia and across the United States. Children of Inmates Florida childrenofinmates.org Children of Inmates is a network of faith-based and professional organizations that reintroduces children to their incarcerated parents, creates positive memories and moments for the children, and facilitates rebuilding lasting bonds for a lifetime. Foreverfamily Atlanta, Georgia foreverfam.org/ Foreverfamily also offers an intensive training geared to develop, strengthen and enhance efforts to meet the unique needs of children with incarcerated parents. Friends Outside Stockton, California friendsoutside.org Friends Outside only offers direct services in California but is a national leader in advocating for the rights of children of incarcerated parents. Girl Scouts Beyond Bars Baltimore, Maryland gscm.org/en/about-girl-scouts/our-program/ways-to-participate/communityprograms/BeyondBars.html Girl Scouts Beyond Bars (GSBB) is a program offered in 15 States that focuses on the daughters of incarcerated women. It aims to break the intergenerational cycle of incarceration by maintaining the mother-daughter bond, strengthening the self-esteem of both mothers and daughters, lessening the anxiety experienced by children of incarcerated parents, and providing these children with positive role models. 5
KidsMates kidsmates.org KidsMates Inc.’s advocacy seeks to raise awareness about parental incarceration and its lifelong negative impacts to affected children. The organization implements initiatives aimed at improving outcomes, fostering resilience, and empowering children of incarcerated parents. Prison Fellowship Lansdowne, Virginia prisonfellowship.org Prison Fellowship trains correctional leaders, volunteers, and incarcerated men and women to make prisons more rehabilitative places. The Prison Fellowship advocates for a more restorative criminal justice system and collaborating with churches and local service providers to support former prisoners, their families, and their communities. Rainbows for All Children Evanston, Illinois rainbows.org Rainbows for All Children is dedicated to being the premier source of support for all youth as they navigate grief and heal from loss, whether from death, divorce, deployment of parents or other trauma. Save Kids of Incarcerated Parents (SKIP) Hope Hull, Alabama 36043 skipinc.org SKIP's mission is to provide support services to children of incarcerated parents and their families and to increase public awareness of the underlying challenges these children face through education, advocacy, and research. The Messages Project Norfolk, Virginia 23503 themessagesproject.org The Messages Project is a nonprofit organization that enables children of incarcerated parents to maintain and rebuild relationships with their mothers and fathers. The National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated NRCCFI at Rutgers -- Camden Camden, New Jersey nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu The mission of The National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated (NRCCFI) is to show criminal justice system, other institutions, and society that families of prisoners are valued resources in supporting family empowerment, integrity, and selfdetermination. The following list, (which is not comprehensive) includes resources from across the country, for families involved in the criminal justice system
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Learning from Parenting Classes by Ericka Foster I recently attended a panel discussion for justice-involved families, and one of the panelists mentioned that upon his release, he had to approach his children with “humility”. Many of us grew up with parents who have the mentality of “I know better because I’m the adult, so do as I say.” But parents who have been separated from their children can benefit from a less authoritarian point-of-view. Humility is about being able to admit your weaknesses. Not only is that hard in an adultto-adult relationship, any ability to admit weakness is likely to be undone while incarcerated. In an article by David Brooks in the New York Times, he describes humility as “an intense self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness.” In other words, humility is about knowing what you need while being aware of what the other person needs as well. The parenting philosophy of ‘I know better, so do as I say” disregards the kids’ right to their own experiences, feelings, and point-of-view. That is additionally complicated by absence due to incarceration. The child has real feelings that need to be acknowledged and expressed in order to heal. And since no kid comes with a manual, the communication skills will be unique between each parent and each child (even between the same parent and multiple children). In an article for the Marshall Project by Richard Hines-Norwood, the author talks about how parenting classes gave him techniques to better communicate with his daughters. He describes how, at first he was skeptical, but over time, he admits to learning valuable techniques to connecting with his girls. Though one daughter was small, he also had a teenager. The author was able to put himself in her shoes and parent from a place of empathy and humility so they could reach some common ground. Parenting Inside Out is a popular parenting program that helps incarcerated and formerly incarcerated individuals learn techniques for parenting. The course details techniques in parenting styles and values, positive reinforcement, monitoring, communication, problemsolving, non-violent discipline, and co-parenting. You can find parenting classes – either Parenting Inside Out or similar – through social services programs, as well as churches and other types of organizations.
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Why Do I Do What I Do? (An Excerpt) By Amanda Knight Who in this life has not made a mistake? I know I have, and I am thankful for the second chances I have been given. So why is society so fast to judge those coming out of jail? It angers me that so many people turn them away, without ever giving them a chance. If prison time is served to pay one’s debt to society, why does society still shun those who have paid their debts? I know that these people have a lot to offer. When I was an infant, my father could not find work and struggled to support my mother and me. He turned to stealing. He would take items such as lawn equipment and fishing gear from people’s shops and sell them to buy food and pay bills. Was this right? Absolutely not. But he did what he thought he needed to for his family. He was caught and served time in prison. When he got out, he struggled to find work. He became a painter, but it was never stable income. About 5 years later, he found an electrician willing to take a chance on him. He completed an apprenticeship and became a licensed electrician. Within just a few years he worked his way up to foreman and was managing his own crew, working all around the country on major electrical jobs. He stayed with this job for the next 20 years, until an on-the-job injury forced him to retire. Daddy was an upstanding, contributing member of society who earned six figures each year. He never committed another crime and he is a man I am proud of. He and I are forever thankful to the man who gave him a chance. So, I know first-hand how important it is to have a shot. And I know how unfair it is not to get it. My hope in volunteering with Positive Transitioning is that I can help someone else be the parent to their child that my Daddy was to me.
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What Could’ve Been… By D. Elizondo -- model, author, poet, Host of "THE REDZONE" on Positive Transitioning Radio
I should have a 10-year-old son right now... His name is D'Angelo Jordan Elizondo. Unfortunately, our pregnancy did not come to term- but he had a heartbeat. My heartbeat, a heartbeat that existed as a direct result of my heartbeat. I think about him all the time, and how he would've changed the entire trajectory of my life. First and foremost, his mother and I would’ve gotten married, so I would be married. I would be a successful entrepreneur and a small business owner. I would've never met my victim; she always said she would have never given me the time of day if I had a kid because she didn’t want “baby mama drama”. So, my son would have saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. My son would have kept me out of my concrete tomb, and my son would've kept me from needing a second chance at life. 9
Chances are, as a result of the enormous amount of joy he would've brought me, we would've given him a sibling. So not only would I have one child, but once I was financially able I would have BABIES!!! What an incredible thought. I would be a homeowner- and I probably would be living in the home I built for my family. A threestory red brick colonial with four big white pillars on my front porch. More than likely, D would have been an athlete. I would've coached his teams to support him in every endeavor he would ever undertake. I’d earn my WORLD'S BEST DAD coffee mug each and every single day. I would make sure he knows I love his mom, not just by my words but by my actions. I would live my life to raise my son, and nothing else would matter. THAT'S MY BOY. He would know there isn’t a distance I would run, a monster under the bed I wouldn’t kill, no mountain I wouldn’t climb, just so he knew how much he was loved and cared for. He would be the most well behaved boy and would always respect my wife and I -- not because we raise our voice in anger, or because he's afraid of losing his toys or getting grounded, but because we trained him up in the way he should go. Therefore, when he is older he would not depart from it. I want to be a father so bad. Maybe it’s because my biological clock is ticking, maybe it’s because God knows I’m ready to pass on the invaluable lessons He's taught me. Either way, I made mistakes and as a result I forfeited that gift. But, God gave me my brothers in arms and has afforded me the opportunity to guide them and impart His wisdom into them. I get to lead them not just when it’s fun and easy, but when it comes time to make the hard decisions -- when it’s time to lead -- and for that I am eternally grateful. That’s how my life would be different if I was a father.
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Musings from a Mother-to-be By Maggie Allen There are many feelings that whirl around in your head when you realize you’re going to have a baby. At least where the first child is concerned, I think terror is a fairly universal one. Because no matter how much you may want them, there will always come that spike from the unknown; the sudden doubt and worry that all of your meticulous planning won’t be enough to keep you from royally screwing up. A tiny human life is coming soon, and there’s a lot that you didn’t, don’t, and won’t know ahead of time. Incidentally, the night I discovered I was pregnant with my first child was Halloween, the night when we all collectively embrace and celebrate terror in its various forms. This was, of course, one month after my husband and I had decided to stop actively trying to conceive. It just didn’t seem like it wanted to happen, and besides, was now really the best time anyway? In the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, it was even more uncertain and worrisome than it might have been in a normal year. The debates leading up to the day were pretty heated; was it safe for kids to be out trick-or-treating? And even if it wasn’t, this year had stolen so much from so many of them. Would we dare let it steal such a popular holiday tradition from them as well? To my knowledge, plenty of kids and families went out and just tried to socially distance themselves. A good chunk of Halloween costumes involve masks, and even then, adults everywhere came up with interesting tools and systems to drop candy without having to be too near. In this utterly surreal and upsetting year, it was one of the few times I can recall feeling like people actually came together and tried to make something work while still being smart and safe. And it gives me some hope, because I think that’s ultimately what successful parenting is all about: support, compassion, and community. Fear is best combated by the knowledge that you aren’t alone; that you aren’t the only one who cares. For as much or as little as you have personally experienced, it’s good to seek the wisdom of others who have been down your path before. People of all kinds are all too happy to dispense advice, sometimes without you even having asked for it, but the best, I have found, comes from those who practice what they preach, or else are fine with admitting to their own imperfection. I am almost a month away from my due date now, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and body changes. There were things I expected ahead of time, and other things I could not have known until experiencing them firsthand. There has been a lot of 11
joy and anticipation, but also stress, depression, exhaustion; general frustration at the aches and pains and limitations that come with growing a human being from scratch. And then, to top it all off, grappling with guilt at those less than “sunshiny” feelings, sometimes provoked by even the kindest, most well-meaning people. The guilt that motherhood “should be the happiest and most magical time of my life,” but often isn’t. The guilt of being able to conceive, when I know so many people who either struggle to do the same or can’t at all. The guilt of feeling like an imposition on those who help me, and constantly worrying that they are getting tired of doing so, but are too polite to say it. And also knowing that my husband sometimes keeps his own complicated, yet completely valid feelings quiet, simply because he doesn’t want to overburden me. I am the one doing the heavy lifting here, after all. But the truth is: I’ve made it the farthest by being open with people, leaning on their support and being open with my own in turn. Vulnerability is hard for a lot of people, especially men, but when it’s with the right people, it comes with the gift of true love, true connection; bonds that will fight every attempt that life will make to break them. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes I feel really bad about that, but at the same time, I know I don’t have to do this all on my own. I have family and friends who would not let me, my husband, or my child starve in the streets if we were to fall into dire straits. It’s a tremendous privilege, one that I know many people don’t have, but it can be achieved with time, especially when you seek out the right people. If you are a parent or expecting to be one soon, but don’t know where to start, you can find community in all sorts of places. Join a church, volunteer, get involved at your local community center. Pursue a hobby or goal-related class and bond with the people you meet there. I have a friend who became a knitter in the last half decade or so, and she’s learned a lot while meeting a ton of new people, all sharing tips, tricks, techniques, and stories together. Financial support is also crucial, and while it can be harder to find, you never know when someone you’ve met and befriended can help you themselves, or even just point you in the right direction. In the absence of living or healthy family relationships, look for inperson and online support groups; whatever is most accessible. The right ones can become your family, and prove invaluable in tough times. Everyone has heard the expression “blood is thicker than water,” but it’s actually been a victim of the telephone game, believe it or not. Originally, it was “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning that the bonds that we form by choice can be just as strong, if not stronger, than those in which we happen to be born. Parenting can be, and often is, an act of love. It can be one even when parents struggle and stumble and barely hold things together. But it’s also good to remember that mothers and fathers are not innately perfect, and their love doesn’t have to be any more powerful or true than any other kind of love out there. Love and family can look different to different people, but the success of families of all kinds depends on their willingness to care for one another. Despite my own anxieties, insecurities, and doubts, deep down I know that my family will be just fine. 12
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