Jaswinder Challi

GRIEF: AN AREA THAT SO MANY FIND UNCOMFORTABLE - THEIR OWN AND OTHERS…

Jaswinder Challi

Grief is something we experience when we lose something, whether this is a person, animal, or object. It leaves us with a loss, an emptiness and we feel bereaved. This experience is universal as it affects everyone, and both humans and animals go through this process of grief when there is a loss.

There are various stages that one goes through during this process, and we can get stuck in one of them for a while, or we can keep going backwards and forwards from one stage to another as the process is not totally linear.

These stages can also be affected by the type of loss, for example losing keys may not be as deep as losing a loved one, or we can sometimes re-experience grief when we identify a loss of someone that we knew of but didn’t know them personally.

2023 was an intense year of grief for me, starting in January with my mother and ending in June with my ex-mother-in-law, and in between there were other loses that affected me, such as a cousin, a nephew, an uncle and also stars such as Tina Turner, Liza Marie Presley, Rachel Welch, yes, plenty of other celebrities, but these were my favourites and it has upset me, especially Tina Turner as she was exactly same age as my mother too.

Around this time, I also had all my personal family photos stolen along with many books and other paperwork. Whilst I can buy books again, I cannot regain the memories of those photos and the people who took these committed a very heartless crime.

2023 as you can see was a year of intense grief full of losses in every sense.

So, let’s have a look at some of the stages and how I coped. These stages were identified by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her book ‘On Death and Dying’.

Denial

In this stage, there is a disbelief that the loss has happened, and one will try to avoid the reality of what has happened.

I remember being in instant denial about my mother, however, the photos were an overwhelming shock that led straight into anger.

This can be masked in many ways to cope, one may turn it into humour, or focus on ‘the other person’ rather than themselves. One may even put the feelings and emotions into an excess of something else like work. What’s happening is a suppression in that avoidance to allow the process to unfold because it’s too painful and the person is not ready to accept it.

I remember being in instant denial about my mother, however, the photos were an overwhelming shock that led straight into anger.

Anger

This is what I call a toxic emotion as it brings up other feelings such as bitterness and maybe even hate! It can also be quite a revengeful feeling of how dare this happen….

When I found out about my photos, yes, I was very angry and knew that I had to process them, otherwise, I would only be harming myself. The way I dealt with this was a lot of yoga and breathwork such as sitali breath and breath of fire. These techniques help to eliminate the toxic energy that is created by the trigger which was the act of other people. I didn’t feel anger of my mother’s passing towards her in any way.

Bargaining

This is like a what if I had done this, what if this had happened, what if …... what it…… this cycle of rumination can lead us into an endless chain of hopelessness.

I did have a lot of this going on about my mother, ‘if only, I could have done more for her, if only I was there for her…….’ The reality was that I was always there for her and could only do what I could do.

Regarding the photos, there was also a case of ‘if only I had not been so trusting….’

Depression

This is a stage where one can dip down to the deepest fall and may not be able to see a way out, like a dark alley. I remember when I had the loss of a marriage break up, I experienced huge depression, it was dark, vulnerable, and debilitating. You can feel as if all hope is lost.

However, as I had learnt so much from that episode, I did not experience any depression this time as I had many more tools to cope with.

Acceptance

As I explained in the previous stage that I have many more tools at hand, I have found this stage to be a lot easier than previously.

This is the stage where one will find ways to accept what happened and to be able to heal and move on. This stage can lead to immense healing of all the stages and allows one to start again.

memories are in our hearts and not in the photos themselves. My mother left this earth, and she didn’t take any photos with her, only the memories….

This is my comfort and part of the acceptance of the photos is knowing that Karma will prevail too as it always does, those that took them, will live with the guilt of that action. So, lets always remember that no emotion is greater than love.

About

Jaswinder Challi

Jaswinder Challi is a tutor and therapist for nearly 30 years now, being Fellow Accredited with the Hypnotherapy Society and Tutor of Chrysalis Courses as well as Yoga and Meditation for 50+ at Bedford REC and other outlets.

She is Author of ‘The Lighthouse – A Soul’s Journey in Illuminating Darkness, with is published on Amazon and her second book ‘The Authenticated Voice’ to follow this year. As well as her solo books, she is also Co-Author of 10 other books.

Multiple Award winner for various areas such as:

Education, Women, Writing, Charity, Yoga and Meditation. Jaswinder holds a title of Honorary Doctorate for her research paper on Mental Health issues amongst the communities considered to be of lower castes.

Jaswinder is highly Spiritual and spends a lot of time in Spiritual outlets partaking in services and volunteering her time to support the charitable endeavours. This also helps her to go deeper into the work of anthropology with a view to gain insights for her writing and healing work.

She is a self-made woman who has always had to stand on her own and cherishes the strength and independence this has given her. She also believes that this is what keeps her connected and protected by a much higher power that is guiding her in her life’s purpose and mission.

With the loss of the photos, I have accepted that those