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CONTENTS O C T O B E R / N OV E M B E R 2 0 1 8
06 The Wicked Witches
of the Western Hemisphere
Frayle’s impact on Cleveland’s heavy rock scene.
08 Growing Past Trauma
08
A U.S. military veteran and a jazz musician create a show that explores PTSD in soldiers.
10 A Cleveland Machine
How Cleveland CycleWerks is changing the motorcycle game.
12 (Will You) Mary Me
Newly single and ready to crumble.
14 Distill Table
26
24
06
22
Dine with the PressureLife team.
16 The Monsters of Midnight
Cleveland shlock jocks take late night cinema into new age.
22 The Water Witchers
The mysterious practice of dowsing and its practitioners.
24 The Face Behind the Lens
A snapshot into the life of Faces of Cleveland creator Laura Wimbels.
26 Your Friendly Neighborhood
Drawing Man
Oliver Barrett: Pop culture creative.
28 Tech Trends
The reality of fake news.
30 All Donald’s Eve
Halloween costume suggestions to help you Trump the competition.
FOLLOW US Facebook // Twitter // YouTube // Instagram @thepressurelife
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10
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Inside Akron's
TENT CITY the Akron City Council voted to shut down a homeless-run tent city, located on the private property of an advocate for the homeless. Two days later, our PressureLife video team was on the scene getting in depth interviews with the nearly fifty residents who have to find new accommodations by Thanksgiving.
ON SEPTEMBER 18TH,
The conversations are gut wrenching; the residents are facing the loss of the only stability they’ve know for months, with uncertainty as to what the future holds. The fact that the camp has a 20 person waiting list stands as a testament to the value it brings to the residents, who are frequently ostracized and maligned by mainstream society. "They don’t understand. If they would come here and live for a night or two, they would understand," says Virginia Brown, a 63 year old woman who only recently became homeless after her medical bills became too expensive. She continues, "I didn’t understand, but now I do understand." In addition to the residents of the tent city, our crew also spoke with Sage Lewis, who owns the property, as well members of the city council. Oftentimes, the interviews create just as many questions as they answer, and tend to fly in the face of the public’s general perception of the homeless. "These people live in the wilderness, in the winter of Ohio," says Lewis, explaining, 'These are hardcore people. They are not lazy. You would die if you were lazy.' The story of the tent city challenges every stereotype and assumption made about the homeless. _____________________________________
For the full documentary on this remarkable story, stay tuned to PressureLife.com
composition is the final track of The White Witch, “Things That Make Us Bleed,” due to its use of thick, bassy tone and a shifting dynamic between softer solos and explosive breaks. As on all Frayle songs, Strang's vocals add the hook and approachability to an already near-perfect track.
The Wicked Witches
of the
Western Hemisphere Frayle has the potential to change the state of heavy rock in Cleveland. Dave Sebille
If
Frayle makes their way into mainstream media and is given a chance on corporate radio and popular culture, it may very well change the direction of heavy rock forever. Carrying a banner that dates back to Black Sabbath, Frayle can help change the way young people get into heavy music. In fact, we could have a doomy Nirvana situation on our hands. So long Godsmack, and thanks for all the tribal tattoos.
Listening to Frayle’s debut EP, The White Witch, causes the mind to wonder if this may be the perfect balance of production value, legitimate stoner metal riffs, and haunting female vocals to move the needle on how heavy a radio-friendly band can get. All of the desirable attributes of doomy stoner rock—slow distorted ‘70s bass tones and half-time, crash-heavy drums—are firmly planted as the support beam of the band, along with the reverb-drenched and harmony-laden vocals of singer and writer Gwyn Strang. These elements, along with
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an acute ear for production poise by guitarist/ writer/producer/engineer Sean Bilovecky, put Frayle in a different category than bands only concerned with how loud and high they can get. There’s also the fact that this band is not fucking around. “Professional” is the first word that comes to mind about the band’s approach and is undeniably worth emphasizing. From the equipment used on stage to their web presence, Strang and Bilovecky are putting their best foot forward. In addition, Frayle is going to Europe this October to play two festivals: Soulcrusher III in the Netherlands and Desertfest in Belgium. They’re also releasing a full-length album in late fall, which promises “more depth and much darker tones” according to Bilovecky. Seeing the songs of The White Witch evolve into darker depths is all any critic could ask for. Cleveland is a metal town. For proof of this, take a walk through the hallways of popular rehearsal space Rock & Roll City Studios and bathe in the squealing solos and growling vocals. So how does one band stand out in a small barrel with a lot of fish in it? Passion, planning, and a unique sound is how Frayle does it. All four songs on their debut EP bring something special to the table while still fitting the overall theme of the album. The standout
There is something to be said about not oversaturating your hometown market. Frayle is not trying to hop on every Tuesday night sludge show at Now That’s Class. On the contrary, the band picks relevant shows with the genre’s most respected acts, not to mention the two European festivals they are playing this fall. The festivals are a perk to signing multiple promotion and distribution deals the band procured throughout its first year of existence. Yet So long another way Godsmack, and that Frayle sets itself apart from thanks for all the your average tribal tattoos. Cleveland party dudes is that they actually care about their product. The White Witch is pressed on thick white vinyl and available on all streaming services. As much as some bands want to hold on to the fact that music is expressive art, it's also a marketable product. Keep your eyes peeled for Frayle shows around town to experience the live show. The band will be the ones with a ghostly, whitehaired woman up front and a wall of Orange amplifiers playing knee-rattling doom. Don’t be surprised if two years from now, there is a drastically-heavier sound to corporate radio thanks to Frayle figuring out the formula while still making true metal.
Want to hear Frayle for yourself? Check out the band on Spotify or head to frayleband.com
Pressure Picks Upcoming Events to See
Minus the Bear: The Farewell Tour Oct. 19 // The Agora Theatre
Atmosphere
Oct. 21 // House of Blues
The SuicideGirls: Blackheart Burlesque
Oct. 24 // The Agora Theatre
Low Cut Connie
Oct. 26 // Beachland Ballroom
Paula Abdul
Oct. 26 // Hard Rock Rocksino
Wavves
Nov. 3 // The Foundry
Saves the Day
Nov. 7 // Grog Shop
Big Gigantic
Nov. 7 // House of Blues
Iron Chic
Nov. 9 // Now That’s Class
Cursive
Nov. 13 // Grog Shop
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Growing Past Trauma A U.S. military veteran and a jazz musician create a multi-faceted show that explores the inbetween and complexities of PTSD in soldiers. Arbela Capas
To
many civilians, the moment of soldiers coming home from battle is greeted with celebration and relief. We are thankful that our loved ones are still alive and well, but oftentimes this return is the beginning of a whole new challenging and evolving time for veterans. This is often a very raw and vulnerable side of a person’s life to be shared, but Jaymes Poling has been doing it for the last year. He’s been telling his story, on stage in front of audiences, for over a year now. Modern Warrior, the musicmeets-spoken-word project co-created with jazz musician Dominick Farinacci, was his full time job now.
A study published in 2015 by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reported that around 50,000 U.S. veterans who served in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars in the past 13 years were diagnosed with PTSD. After joining the U.S. military in 2005 at age 17, Poling served three deployments between 2007 and 2012 in Afghanistan. During his first year, he already was engaging in close-range fighting, but came out of it without losing anyone close to him.
One of these effects he noticed was when he had a physical reaction after hearing a helicopter back at home. “It pulled me back immediately,” he explains. After this experience, he started exploring the emotions in the only way he knew how—just feeling them over and over again until he felt the reaction again. “I saw it as emotionally diluting myself,” Poling reflects. “But then what happened to the point where I didn’t have that reaction anymore, I didn’t really feel anything.” Even after officially leaving the military in 2012, Poling recalls feeling like he still needed to put himself in dangerous situations, to try and bring an environment that he was used to after the military. “When I got out, I just had to actively work at those things,” Poling says. “Sometimes it was as simple as a decision.” In 2015, Dominick Farinacci was finishing up his album Short Stories in Cleveland and wanted to connect with an Army veteran to get a better idea for one of the songs. “I wanted to meet someone who had this experience, because I knew nothing about it,” Farinacci says. At the time, Poling was starting classes at Cuyahoga Community College, so Farinacci reached out to him through the Veterans Services on campus. They ended up talking for about six hours as Poling explained to Farinacci his frustrations with how veterans are viewed in extremes.
“I did have a lot of friends shot at; I remember one mission there were like six guys who were shot at, and everybody was okay,” Poling explains. “So you kind of felt sort of invincible, like coming out of this.”
“They were either depicted as a hero or as damaged, or as a liability,” Poling explains. “And what you see in the media never really provided much room for the grey area and the people in between.”
It was only after his second deployment that he started feeling different after he lost a friend during a mission. “I spent time with his family and it kind of changed my perspective a little bit in the sense that, you know, I began to see the effects of it,” he says.
Eventually the idea for Modern Warrior came to fruition. Even the title they eventually chose is meant to describes any person,
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veteran or not, who is trying to overcome adversity and challenges in life. “It just gets right to the core of the human experience and we’re very specific about that,” Farinacci says. Through an autobiographical presentation of Poling’s story and a combination of different styles and genres of music curated by Farinacci, a truly indescribable project began to form to help reflect an equally indescribable experience. “I interpret people’s stories through my music, because that’s what I’m used to doing, that’s my own language,” Farinacci says. “So in hearing his story back and forth, well what kind of music underscore is appropriate to amplify this story?” The show officially had its debut Jan. 13 and 14 of 2017 at the Sheen Center in New York City and later went on tour to a number of cities and mental health conferences, such as the National Council for Behavioral Health Convention in D.C. For Poling, the show has been a therapeutic experience for him personally, when Dominick and the musicians were essentially creating a soundtrack for his memories. Throughout the process he learned to ask certain questions about his experiences. “Is it me, is it the way I internalize that, is it the way I share this, and I would have to go back and I saw it as re-evaluate it,” Poling says.
emotionally diluting myself.
Poling’s and Farinacci’s goals for the show also included making sure it can be relatable to anyone, despite their background, political affiliation, or opinions about patriotism for their country. “One thing that we try to do in writing the show, is making sure that we’re including as many people as possible,” Poling says. Although some of us might not completely be able to put ourselves in the shoes of certain people, the two hope to use the show as a way to highlight the challenges that everyone go through as a way to create common connections.
“Our national identity is so mixed and pulls from so many cultures that we have the opportunity to be this amazing blend of whatever we want to be and we continue to evolve,” Poling says. “I think through that evolution, we’ll continue to redefine patriotism and what it’s like to be an American.”
To learn more about Modern Warrior or look for upcoming show dates or purchase tickets, visit modernwarriorlive.org
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A Cleveland Machine How Cleveland CycleWerks is changing the motorcycle game. James Earl Brassfield
C
leveland is a city that is naturally tough. Some Clevelanders are bold enough to ride a motorcycle when the weather breaks. Those people often zip by too fast for pedestrians to see. Some are so loud you wince in pain. Other people simply want to get on a bike that won't break the bank.
Cleveland CycleWerks has found a balance between big money, big-displacement engines and small-displacement engines for bikes. These motorcycles still give the rider a sense of what those fighter pilots were looking for when they came back from World War II. The local company has cornered the market small-displacement bikes, mainly thanks to owner and dead designer Scott Colosimo. "I run [CycleWerks]. I handle the day to day everything. I'll take the trash out if needed," Colosimo says. While he runs CycleWerks now, Colosimo really only started riding motorcycles when he was 21. The wait was only due to parental constrictions, which gave him an inside look at what he was missing from motoring.
If you say Cleveland, what kind of motorcycle do you think of? Would it be a small, zippy, underrated performer? That's exactly what you get when you mount a Cleveland CycleWerks motorcycle. The small displacement engine bikes are not often considered as
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"We are Cleveland," the official motto of CycleWerks, can be heard all over in India and Thailand. People in these countries can require small motorcycles to go through their daily routines, while big bikes are eschewed. "The big-displacement engines of America are seen as overkill in the smaller countries almost a luxury item," Colosimo explains.
Instead of a bike that's fun from 80 to 100 [mph], we focus on a bike that's fun from 30 to 60.
Colosimo thought he was following the formula to his dream. He studied at the Cleveland Institute of Art, majoring in transportation design. After graduation, he went out and got a job as an automotive designer, something he learned to hate. As creatives often do, eventually Colosimo got tired of working on things that he didn’t care about, like brake light patterns. Then he started a motorcycle company. At the time he had never designed a motorcycle. Soon enough, his very first motorcycle was available for sale.
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real motorcycling. If you were to go out and buy a motorcycle and it was under 600 CCs, people would ask what you were doing. That's why as a businessman Colosimo and Cleveland CycleWerks focus on thriving mainly overseas.
While their bikes are valued overseas, Colosimo and the rest of the Cleveland CycleWerks crew understand that introducing the small displacement engine to America is a big task. Fortunately for them, what the bikes do not have in CCs, they make up for in style.
"There is a market for a motorcycle that looks cool and will not empty out your pocketbook," Colosimo says. There's nothing small about the feeling you get when on a Cleveland motorcycle. When you throw your leg over a CycleWerks bike, there's a rush of excitement. "Most big bikes are really only fun after about a hundred miles an hour,” Colosimo says. “That's when the fun starts. So instead
of a bike that's fun from 80 to 100 [mph], we focus on a bike that's fun from 30 to 60." To help prove that small bikes can get up and go, Colosimo and his partners at Cleveland Speed Shop currently hold the land speed world record for the 250 engine class. The world-record motorbike is available to view in the CycleWerks shop at 1265 W. 65th St. in Gordon Square. Once you see the bikes, you’ll be able to tell if it's something that could fit right into your life. All the work at CycleWerks is hand-designed and built for you to give you the most out of your bike. An added bonus with small-displacement engines is basic maintenance. "There's nothing extra, nothing fake, nothing plastic,” Colosimo says. “This is just a bike that you can afford that looks amazing." There are different ranges of motorbike that Cleveland CycleWerks offers, like the Heist, the Misfit, and the Ace. This latter of these three was tested by the writer of this piece. Not only was the sound of the bike snappy and exciting, the light framework and smaller tires gave the bike a nimble, but stable ride. Cleveland CycleWerks puts on an annual event that draws people from all over the state and across the country to ride their bikes down to a parking lot just off Herman Avenue and West 65th Street. These people are "Tha Riders"; people with custom tanks and custom jobs done all the way down to the seat work. More importantly, these are folks that believe in what Colosimo is doing here in Cleveland. Colosimo knows everything about the excuses people have to stop riding. "I've been doing this for a long time and my wife hasn't asked me to hang it up yet, and we've got a baby on the way," he exclaims as he rides away in a bike to make sure it’s warm enough to be tested. Scott Colosimo is Cleveland through and through, and the boldness to name his motorcycles after his hometown is not pandering. It’s a testament to the underdog, to the little guy coming out on top. Colosimo knows that Cleveland is the future of cycling.
To learn more about Cleveland CycleWerks, visit clevelandcyclewerks.com
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(Will You)
sprinkle in a few emojis, use the word “journey,” and let the swiping begin!
MARY ME
It’s day one, so chances are you're not going to be half as liberal with your right swipes as you are with your breakdowns on social media, and that's okay. The first day on a dating app is like episode one of The Walking Dead where you're Rick Grimes coming out of a coma. You’ll look at the first zombie you've ever seen as if it’s still human and just apologize and promise you're going to make it right. It’s cute that you still have standards, really.
The cycle of being newly single in a world with dating apps. Mary Santora Illustrations // Aaron Sechrist
C
ongratulations! You're single again! Welcome back to a life of freedom! No one to tell you what to wear, who you can and can't follow on Instagram, or that it’s “inappropriate” to have a “sixth” vodka soda at their company’s “Christmas party” and call their boss a “bitch.” Why even have an open bar at that point?
You come across someone attractive who appears to have their shit together and thank god they're not holding a fish in any of their pictures. Swipe right and whaddayaknow, it's a match! You initiate the conversation and it's a little awkward at first, but your date seems to be okay with the fact that you're new to this and take your mind off of how strange it is that people are essentially playing a video game with their love lives. You joke, you laugh, you exchange numbers, and begin to text. What's the fuss all about? This is easy, and actually kind of fun!
These next few months are about you. Finding you, being you, and loving you, no matter how many La Croix Sparkling Waters and hikes that takes. Who needs your ex, anyway? All the two of you did was spend four of the most formative years of your adult lives together, during which you learned how to cohabitate with another human being, opened up to someone like you never have, and gave your all to a relationship that made you grow as both a What will you person and a partner. Alas, here you are. Single. wear? What if your Ready to take on the dating world by storm! So, let's do what any respectable, heartbroken, half-day-drunk person does when looking for new love: go to your phone’s app store and make it happen. After taking 45 minutes to reset your AppleID password and actually downloading the app, open that sucker up and get that profile going!
date doesn't look like the same as in the pictures? Holy shit, you could legit get murdered.
You plan to meet up next week and continue to text until before you know it, the date is tomorrow. You're terrified. You haven't been on a first date since Vine was a thing. What will you wear? What if your date doesn't look like the same as in the pictures? Holy shit, you could legit get murdered. So many thoughts are racing through your head that you text your new muse to confirm the date and ease your nerves. Nothing. Maybe they're busy? Give it a few hours. Some work places have weird rules about phones at their desk, and honestly, “social media coordinator” sounds like one of those, right?
First, pick the five absolute best photos that have ever been taken of you. Make sure they are from when you were in peak physical condition: you in your college football uniform or a beach pic from your girls trip to Put-In-Bay in 2012 are great places to start. You want to put your best foot forward, so make sure that you order the pictures in a way that makes you go full blown Buffalo Bill. Not in the, “trap the first person you match with in a weird sex well and try to wear their skin” kind of way, but in the, “overly confident, balls tucked back, ‘I'd fuck me’” kind of way.
You wait to text them again until the next morning. No response. Why? They gave you a “hahahahhaha” instead of an “lol” on multiple occasions. How could they just stop responding? All of a sudden, that hurt, pain, anger, and disappointment that got you onto this app in the first places comes flooding back and you don't know how to react. Did you just get ghosted? Is this what you've heard so many horror stories about? Do people seriously not even have the decency to respond?
Now, it’s time for the bio. Start with the basics: what you like to do for fun, how much you love your dog, the fact that you are a diehard Cleveland sports fan, and that you’re interested in more than just a hookup. Throw in a quote from The Office,
Congratulations! You're single again! Welcome back to a life of freedom! It's going to get worse before it gets better. Keep your chin up and just remember that dating blows, but it doesn't have to suck.
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Hummus Tubs + Gas Pumps How a mother-son duo turned one Sunoco into a foodie fixture. Gennifer Harding-Gosnell
Sunoco gas station sitting at the corner of Columbia and Sprague Roads in Olmsted Falls has quickly become the talk of the town for a reason that would leave most foodies in any other city scratching their heads: homemade hummus.
AN OTHERWISE TYPICAL
Social media discussions on the topic of “gas station hummus” have recently gone viral in Cleveland, spreading the word about several filling stations in the city and surrounding suburbs that are now carrying homemade hummus in their delis and food counters. The product is so loved by Clevelanders that it’s caught media attention. At the forefront of these conversations is Momma Mary’s, a small counter inside the Columbia Road Sunoco that barely fits two people. Mary Dari and her son, Khalil, run Momma Mary’s out of the station. Mary usually works overnights to make the hummus and keep up with the demand. “I make all of my hummus with love, from my heart—and all natural ingredients,” Mary says and laughs. “That’s why it tastes so good. My mother taught me how to cook. I’ve been cooking since I was 12. I do not use a recipe; I have no need for one.” T-shirts available in the store boast of Mary’s being “The Best Hummus In The World,” so a taste test is in order. Mary’s hummus is very smooth and creamy, and slightly thinner than a typical recipe. The plain version is topped with olive oil that Mary imports directly from southern Europe; the after-taste is almost that of a smooth, red wine. The beef-bacon variety is a meat-lover’s dream, but doesn’t overtake the creamy texture of the hummus. Mary is best known for the clever and unusual varieties of hummus she creates that draws customers back, such as the jalapeño and dill pickle varieties. Several of Mary’s hummus blends are seasonal, like the pumpkin spice and pineapple. She makes a chocolate hummus that is exclusive to Valentine’s Day. Even the pita chips earn rave reviews—a bag of three is suitable for one tub of hummus. The chips are cut in the perfect size for dipping and are soft, kept wrapped in paper bags under heat lamps until served. The buzz around Momma Mary’s hummus continues to grow. As Cleveland continues its reign as one of the top food tourism destinations in the U.S., we can boast that even our gas station food is worth the trip.
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What We Ate
The group's menu item ratings Citrus Olives: 5 Funghi Pizza: 4 Poutine: 3.25 Chicken Saute: 3.5 Citrus Balsamic Salmon: 3 Tancredi Sunday Sauce: 4.5 Italian Sausage Bolognese: 4.5
DISTILL TABLE Dine with the PressureLife Team
H
ate onions? Put ketchup on your ketchup? We all have unique likes and dislikes, so when you hear about a new restaurant, whether it be from a foodie or someone who lives off of toaster pastries, you don’t know if his or her tastes align with your own. So, instead of reading a review from one source, take it from four members of our team. Even though we are woefully under qualified to review a restaurant, at least one of us will likely share some of your distinct tastes.
For this issue, the PressureLife crew visited Distill Table, an eco sustainable restaurant located at 14221 Madison Ave. that shares a building with Western Reserve Distillers. Led by Chef Eddie Tancredi, the restaurant features farm-to-table fare that combines high-end and down-to-earth sensibilities—as well as some fancy cocktails. Did the PressfureLife crew deem Distill’s dishes to be fine fair or fairly underwhelming? Our fearsome foursome shares their thoughts on one of Lakewood’s newest restaurants.
ALEX:
It may sound weird to say that the highlight of a dinner was the olives, but that’s perfectly acceptable. Marinated olives can be delightful, and the citrus olives at Distill Table are a great way to kick off a meal. While I’m not a big mushroom guy, I could
Likes + Dislikes Get to know the group's taste preferences 14 PRESSURELIFE
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Alex: Mango is death; thinks garlic is a beautiful ingredient; can be seduced with a good meat and /or cheese board but hates blue cheese; loves meat in pretty much all forms. Jim: Prefers a salad over a burger but a steak over anything else; loves spicy
appreciate why the funghi pizza would appeal. I am a big poutine fan, but this version was a bit underwhelming, especially since it didn’t have much of the chorizo it promised. As for the entrées, the pastas were pretty solid. Both the bolognese and the Sunday sauce played like down-to-earth comfort foods with a hint of upscale sensibilities. I enjoyed my samples of the chicken and the salmon, but I’d stick with the pasta on return visits. Finally, it wouldn’t be a complete review without mention of the cocktails. While not cheap, these drinks were some tasty, creative concoctions.. Rating: 3.5/5
JIM:
One word: olives. I’ve talked about Distill Table at Western Reserve Distillers about 20 times now since we went and the one thing I keep recommending is the olives. The citrus marinade is a great compliment to the bitter and salty olives. Following those are the cocktails—if you can swallow the price of a drink, your taste buds will be very pleased with your decision. In terms of the other grub, I would also recommend the funghi pizza with the lemon thyme ricotta and the two pasta dishes. All of those dishes were comforting and feel right with the atmosphere of Distill Table. I did have a great time, service was nice, and Eddie was very pleasant, however, this is a once-a-quarter type place for me. Rating: 3/5
and sour flavors; despises donuts and dry bakery; will try anything once. Hannah: Enjoys foods that are savory and slightly over-salted; meals are typically a collection of small snacks; hates funky cheeses and properly cooked red meat; generally not a picky eater.
Dave: The bolder, the better. Prefers big flavors that stick around in your molars. Not a huge fan of sweets; would rather have an Irish coffee for dessert. Tries to keep it as unique and local as possible, but is not above McDonald's breakfast. Please hold the zucchini and squash.
HANNAH:
First things first. Let’s get to the cocktails. Any good eatery can also be measured by how well they craft a cocktail. At the Distill Table, they know what they’re doing and if you knew what you were doing, you’d go drink the Johnny Kilbane there. As far as the food, the olives were badass. I don't even like olives. It’s kind of like if these olives were a movie they’d be an obscure classic like Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. I also ordered the chicken and had zero qualms with it, but The Sunday sauce and the bolognese is what I'll be back for. Oh, and I’ve been back five times already, making my first visit an inaugural one. The best part though — perhaps that it was the first time Jim didn’t dry heave at some point for a food review since I don’t know, Issue 8? Get it together, man. Rating: 4/5
DAVE:
Fall is upon us, and it’s time to get yourself some Sunday sauce at Distill Table. This sauce is thicker than a Cardi/ Minaj twerk off. I had the best dish among the PressureLife crew, but let’s talk about the cocktails. The Incredible Hulk is a mix between a mojito and a bijou. You can’t sneak gin and green chartreuse past me. It was fantastically refreshing, but a little sweet for what I was expecting. After taking a slice-sized bite of the awesome white pizza with mushrooms, I decided to test out one of my favorite classic cocktails: the New York Sour. It was tasty, but a little weak and sweet again. I didn’t care though, because the dish I was eating was like swimming in everything that makes a meatball good. I will be back many times to eat the Sunday sauce at Distill Table. Many times. Rating: 3.5/5
Distill Table 14221 Madison Ave, Lakewood, OH 44107 // 216.505.5188 distilltable.com
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IS CL E VEL AND RE ADY FOR T HE NE X T GENER ATION OF MIDNIGHT MOVIES? Adam Dodd Photography // Casey Rearick
The
special effects may be anything but special. The cast can be wooden with a budget nonexistent. Odds are, there’s better writing found on the walls of bathroom stalls. Owing to a dynasty of midnight movie hosts that Cleveland has enjoyed over the years, these celluloid abominations prove to be
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some of our most enjoyable film watching experiences. Where this passion may have once found exposure on public access and local antenna channels, advances in technology and access to audiences through streaming sites and social media have led to a change of venue for which not all hosts are on board.
In the beginning, there was Ghoulardi. When WJW Channel 8 created a late-night movie series in 1963, it tapped the station’s in-house announcer, Ernie Anderson, as host. Helming the program under the guise of his wigged and spectacled alter-ego, Ghoulardi,
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years until Wells retired from the role in 1979. “Big” Chuck then forged the perfect partnership with “Lil'” John Rinaldi, with the duo’s Big Chuck and Lil’ John serving as Cleveland’s gold standard in the genre until the pair finally took a bow in 2007.
Anderson brought a singular beatnik anarchy to the role that would come to define the genre to this day. Where other hosts rooted themselves to the past by portraying characters pinned to the tropes of their genre, Anderson delivered improvised non-sequiturs as selfaware as they were self-deprecating. He was not only con-
sidered a contemporary to his young audience, in many ways, his comedic sensibilities were far ahead of his time. So intrinsic was he that the Cleveland Police Department reported a 35-percent drop in crime throughout the city during his broadcasts, a fact that the aloof Anderson once dismissed saying, "Nobody likes to steal the car in a blizzard." After Anderson left for the West Coast in 1966 to pursue acting, two separate dynasties diverged. In one line, Anderson’s on-screen partner, “Big” Chuck Schodowski, was matched with local photogenic weatherman, Bob “Hoolihan” Wells, to produce Hoolihan and “Big” Chuck, which continued on Channel 8 as their predecessor had. The two delivered a blend of questionable horror films and endearing no-budget comedy sketches for 13
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Rinaldi, a jeweler by trade, laughs when he thinks back on his first encounter with his taller half. “It was a Saturday night on the West Side at Bonnie’s Lounge on West 222nd in Fairview Park. Me being from the East Side, that was like going to another country,” he says. “They told me to bring combat boots and a girl’s dress. When I knocked on the door, no one answered. I thought it was a prank, but then the door opened. He said, ‘I’m “Big” Chuck, come on in.’ Then, we did the skit ‘Bridget the Midget’ and that’s how it all started.” A second concurrent line of hosts emerged from Ghoulardi’s shadow and played upon loose family ties. Ron Sweed’s portrayal of the eponymous Ghoul, which aired from 1971 to 1975, became the de facto heir after gaining Anderson’s personal blessing. The mantle was next passed to Keven Scarpino after he won a Ghoul hosted looka-like contest in 1982. The top-hatted and faux -bearded Scarpino maintains a Luddite’s aesthetic to the show he’s helmed across multiple stations for 32 years and counting. “I do everything old school,” he explains. “That’s just the way I am.” It’s a discipline he’s maintained since its inception, and it’s one that bristles against a new crop of online hosts that challenge the genre’s format.
We want to keep alive t he whole experience of t he mid night movie show bu t bring it to t he present.
“A lot of these hosts you see on the internet, these people have absolutely no television experience,” Scarpino says. "They just woke up one morning and said, ‘You know, I think today I will become a horror host.’ There’s just so many of them. They’ve kind of taken the pizzazz out of it. Everything I’ve seen has just been lousy. I just don’t get it. I don’t know how they survive or how they can even gather an audience.” His skepticism over their ability to hold an audience stems from doubts that there may even be audiences any longer. “My audience is baby boomers,” he says. “The younger generation, they just don’t really care about this kind of stuff. If it’s not happening on their phones, then they don’t know about it.” Rinaldi echoes a similar disconnect, but frames it as an opportunity to pass the torch
T he Lineage
OF CL E VEL AND’S L AT E NIGH T MOVIE HOS TS THROUGHOUT THE AGES.
Ghoulard i 1963 - 1966
Host, Ernie Anderson, was the be-all-end-all for Cleveland late night cinema and an influence that is still heavily present in today’s hosts.
Tim Conway
Chuck Schod owski
Before he joined The Carol Burnett Show, Conway was Ghoulardi’s first sidekick, before being fired for lying on his resume of all things.
(Weat herman)
(Big)
Hoolihan and "Big” Chuck
1966- 1979
T he Ghoul Show 1971- 1975
Hoolihan
Ron Sweed sought Anderson’s personal blessing before assuming the “Ghoul” moniker. He served as a direct successor to the Ghoulardi character.
Local weatherman, Bob “Hoolihan” Wells, was cast opposite Ghoulardi’s former comedic sidekick, “Big” Chuck, after Anderson left the show to pursue an acting career.
“Lil” John (Jewler)
Son of t he Ghoul
Daughter of t he Ghoul
1986-(current)
2012-2016
After winning a ghoul look-a-like contest, Keven Scarpino was the next heir apparent. He is now one of the longest running hosts of the genre.
An unsanctioned heir, this illegitimate child to the Ghoul saw several female hosts before its cancellation.
Big Chuck and Lil John 1979 -2007
“Big” Chuck’s well-seasoned comedic presence teamed with the quick-witted John Rinaldi for a quarter-century of irreverent and regionally-endearing sketch comedy.
Mummy and t he Monkey 2012- (current)
Janet Decay (mummy; perky)
Grimm Gorri (Ape; Hips ter)
After meeting on the set of Daughter of the Ghoul, Janet Decay and Grimm Gorri started their own interactive late night cinema showcase on Facebook Live.
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Maybe younger people d o t his kind of t hing, bu t I d on’t know where t hey would find t he airwaves.
to the next generation of fans and hosts. “Hosts like us are passé,” he admits. “People want things faster. They don’t want to drag out skits, they want to see the movie. They want it faster and faster. Maybe younger people do this kind of thing, but I don’t know where they would find the airwaves.” For all their experience and well-earned opinions on the matter, there are more than a few modern “schlock jocks” primed to prove the old guard of Rinaldi and Scarpino wrong. Janet Decay, a self-described “perky goth mummy” continued the estranged ancestry of Cleveland late night hosts when she took on the mantle of Daughter of the Ghoul for the eponymous late night program in 2012. It was there that Decay met with Grimm Gorri, a man/ape hybrid greaser who also worked on the show. Once her time on Daugh-
ter of the Ghoul came to an end, the two joined forces to create their own addition to the late night pantheon, The Mummy and The Monkey’s Hairy Scary Hangout. “The one question we gets asked more than anything is what channel we’re on,” Gorri says, underscoring the divide on the new format. “A lot of horror hosts, and you’ll get this when you talk with [Scarpino], believe that if you’re not on a television station, then you’re not a true horror host.” “You’re considered a wannabe by some,” Decay adds. Airing initially on public access cable, it was not long before the pair shifted to YouTube in order to reach a wider audience and to allow for feedback that the limited format of public access did not provide. While it
T he T hrif t Cryp t The Mummy and the Monkey’s enterprises are not limited to Friday nights on Facebook. The two can also be found at their eclectic second-hand and consignment shop, The Thrift Crypt, located at 13349 Madison Ave. in Lakewood. An extension of their midnight movie personas, the shop buys, sells, and trades all sorts of macabre kitsch and curios perfect for the ghoul in every family. When you stop in, be sure to check out Janet Decay’s own signature fragrance, Kiss of the Mummy. Recently bottled in partnership with Opus Oils, the undead eau du toilette is said to be “fabulously spooky and surprisingly sweet.”
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offered a much more expansive platform, YouTube was not without its own obstacles. “The way YouTube is, if you upload public domain, or even stuff that is your own content, someone can still go in and say ‘hey, I own that,’” Decay explains. “If they create enough of a fuss or they can try to monetize on your own videos. We had a lot of issues with that.” Stemming from the repeated headaches of dealing with YouTube claims, the duo migrated to Facebook live, where they currently host their Friday night show in real time and enjoy an added dimension of audience participation that former venues could not offer. It’s a welcome aspect that Gorri encourages. “It’s like reverse-Mystery Science Theater 3000,” he says. “That entertains us during the breaks. [The audience] eviscerates these movies. It’s an interesting new dynamic. This is a be-in kind of event if you want to hang out with us and each other. We want to keep alive the whole experience of the midnight movie show, but bring it to the present.” It is this bridge to the past that sees Decay and Gorri incorporating subtle nods to former Cleveland hosts in their production, including “that certain ethnic” sketch comedy that Hoolihan and “Big” Chuck perfected. “The one [opaque] contact lens is in homage to Ghoulardi because he would wear the glasses with the one lens missing and the Ghoul sports that as
well,” Decay notes. “I didn’t want to copy their looks, but I thought this was a tip of the hat to the legends.” Gorri and Decay have struck a nuanced balance between what came before while maintaining their own unique identities. With so many hosts maintaining their own private fiefdoms across the country, the line between reverence and ripoff is always contentious. “It was a Fourth of July episode, so I rented an Uncle Sam uniform,” Scarpino recalls. “I got this nasty letter in the mail saying that I was copying Chicago’s Svengoolie, because he wore striped pants. I had no idea the guy existed. I didn’t realize that every city has their own hosts.” While every city may have their own variation on a theme, few boast the embarrassment of riches that Cleveland can. Despite the differences of opinion regarding the ever-shifting formats they haunt, hosts from every era have played pivotal roles in keeping these cherished reels running for the next generation to stay up late. The storied legacy of midnight movies has known many memorable hosts across the years, but the one constant remains: an unmistakable passion for the craft.
––––––––––––– To catch the latest The Son of the Ghoul episode, check out sonofghoul.net And be sure to hang out with the Mummy and the Monkey every Friday night for their Scary Hairy Hangout at facebook.com/ themummyandthemonkey
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Kevin Naughton Illustration // Aaron Gelston
The Water Witchers
ou might have seen a TV show or a movie where a character is searching for an underground water source with a Y-shaped stick. The individual walks along slowly, waiting for the stick to pull them toward a suitable place to dig a well. These shows are usually set in the 1800s or earlier, suggesting that the method is a lost relic of traditional folk superstition.
The process is straightforward: the “dowser” gently holds an inanimate device, such as a Y-shaped stick, two metal rods, or a pendulum, and walks along, letting the device pull the dowser like a magnet toward the object or material he or she is seeking. Some dowsers don't use an instrument, opting for their bare hand instead. Whether or not it works is up for debate, and although it’s generally discredited by science, a plethora of anecdotal evidence has many convinced of its effectiveness.
Surprisingly, the method still has adherents who practice it today; what’s more, many well-drilling companies still use it as a way to locate underground streams. The practice is known as “dowsing” or, more colorfully, “water witching.” It’s a fairly simple idea: a wide variety of materials or objects can be located by divination, either through the body’s innate ability to sense magnetic or static energy, or through spiritual communication with the Earth’s unseen and unknowable forces, depending on who you ask.
The earliest mentions of the process in the historical record date back to 16th century Europe, where German miners are described as using it to search for precious metals, and it is thought that the practice spread from there. Dowsing pops up in some pretty unexpected places throughout history: it was used by some United States Marines during the Vietnam War in attempts to locate underground enemy bunkers, and as recently as 1986 by the Norwegian Army to locate survivors of an avalanche.
The mysterious practice of dowsing and its practitioners.
Y
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Hewitt Fredebaugh of Fredebaugh Well Drilling, a well-digging company that has been operating in Northeast Ohio for five generations, says they’ve employed a number of dowsers throughout the company’s history. “One of our drillers still does it,” he says, adding that oftentimes customers will specifically ask for a dowser to search for a well location. In contrast, some people refuse to let anyone dowse on their property for religious reasons, calling it witchcraft. Indeed, the practice has been decried as sacrilegious by many Christians throughout history, earning it the ‘water-witching’ moniker in the American vernacular. In fact, the earliest known historical reference to dowsing is by the 16th century church reformer Martin Luther, who included it on a list of blasphemous “It doesn’t matter acts in 1518.
to me whether they believe or not. I can show them not what I believe, but what I know works.”
Although Fredebaugh has dowsed for water himself, many times with success, he’s still sort of skeptical about the process. “A lot of people scoff at it,” he says, admitting, “It’s not a very scientific operation.” He says his father would explain that dowsing was possible because some people could detect electric charges created by moving water, but he added that he wasn’t totally convinced of this explanation. Now semi-retired, Fredebaugh has been a professional well-driller his entire life and has a deep knowledge of regional geology, which he thinks contributes to the method’s success. Regardless, personal experience with the process has convinced him that “there’s something to it,” and that he wishes that he knew why some people can do dowse and some can’t. Jim Davis, a Richfield native who hosts the monthly Ohio Buckeye Dowsers meeting at his farm, has a more mystical explanation for the practice, which he discovered while living on a Seneca reservation in upstate New York. “Dowsing is essentially a trick by your spirit on your body,” he explains. “We’re listening to what spirit has to say to us.” Davis describes dowsing as the spirit communicating with the unseen forces of the Earth. The technique, according to him, is a broader application of ancient pagan spirituality that has been largely lost in modern society. He says that in addition to finding physical objects, you can answer any yes or no question with dowsing. “What we’re doing is relearning and practicing a very, very ancient skill that was known by all original peoples,” he explains. “It’s an art and a skill that you have to practice.” When asked how he responds to skeptics, Davis responds simply. “I don’t,” he says. “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me whether they believe or not. I can show them not what I believe, but what I know works.” If you’re curious to see a demonstration of dowsing, the Ohio Buckeye Dowsers monthly meeting is open to all. Whether or not there’s any truth to it is up for you to decide.
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The Face
Behind the Lens A snapshot into the life of Faces of Cleveland creator Laura Wimbels. Wilson Rivera
P
hotography is as popular a medium as it is delicate. It gives a person the ability to capture the essence of a single moment. These moments can be anything from a wedding, an old friend, a landscape, or a portrait. Faces of Cleveland is a photojournal of some of Cleveland’s most colorful personalities, and each photo offers up a look into a moment in each person’s life and showcases who these people are, all thanks to a careful eye and well-framed shot. But what about the person behind the lens? What could be said about these captured moments? Why or how are they special to them? Laura Wimbels, the woman behind Faces of Cleveland, has her own story to tell. Laura was raised in the suburbs of Berea during the ‘80s after being adopted at four months old by a Caucasian family. Being Puerto Rican, she couldn’t help but feel different from everyone else. Classmates and some parents didn't help, often asking Laura about her origin or teasing her based on her skin tone. She developed a resiliency to these experiences, stating “I still carry them with me.” In her transition into her teenage years and adulthood, Laura began to embrace those differences. Laura considered herself an oddball, saying she had the “television taste of an 80-year-old man" because she grew up without cable. She looked forward to catching the occasional edited horror movie. It was her love of the genre that led her into taking a special effects class in high school.
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“I just fell in love with the idea of making the effects I would see in the movies,” Laura says. Her experiences in this class would take her to The Art Institute of Pittsburgh. Her time in the Steel City was an exciting new chapter. She wasn’t going for anything as flashy as special effects, instead majoring in web design. When she wasn't in class, she would often find herself wandering around Pittsburgh taking photographs on a film camera. She always had an interest in photography, reminiscing on how she would develop film with her step father, comparing it to opening a present on Christmas. She noticed her interest shifting from web design to photography, finding herself more interested in how the photo would look on a website than the actual layout of the website itself. After graduating from The Art Institute, she moved back to Cleveland taking a job at Ohio School Pictures, traveling the scenic hills and corn fields of Ohio to take yearbook photos. Meanwhile, Laura also took classes at Cuyahoga Community College for photography.
She finished her two-year degree and decided to quit her job taking yearbook photos to go freelance. A lot happened soon after, from getting engaged, calling off the wedding, buying a house, and working at Pat Catan’s. It was around this time Faces of Cleveland came to exist. Seeing all that was going on in the city, Laura made it her goal to capture the personalities she had befriended during her newfound freedom. Collecting a veritable stockpile of the city’s favorite profile pictures, Laura took A lot happened the format to Instagram. The resulting profile, Faces of Cleveland, quickly soon after, from gained popularity with 500 followers getting engaged, just hours after being made.
calling off the wedding, buying a house, and working at Pat Catan’s.
After seeing how successful the Instagram account was and feeling creatively stunted at her job, Laura decided to drop Pat Catan’s to focus on turning Faces of Cleveland into a book. She would later meet Matt Chojnacki of 1984 Publishing, who would go on to publish and help finance the book. The book served as a closing chapter in a tumultuous part in her life which allowed her discover a newfound love of a city and her place in it. Recently, Laura has taken an interest into criminology, to the point of enrolling in classes at Cleveland State University to pursue a career in forensic photography. This shift isn’t much of a surprise considering her love of her horror films. Her ever-changing ambitions seems only matched by her diligence. It's interesting to think someone who felt so alienated by her peers at a young age is now responsible for bringing so many local artists and entrepreneurs together and providing a face for the city.
To see more of Laura's work or to purchase Faces of Cleveland, visit wimbels.com
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Your Friendly Neighborhood
DRAWING MAN The passion and pressure behind local artist Oliver Barrett’s pop culture profession.
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James Earl Brassfield
W
hy aren't you doodling Ant-Man and getting paid for it? Local artist Oliver Barrett draws superheroes and cool movie posters for a living. Imagine anything you've ever drawn in class. Now imagine being paid to sketch Spider-Man. Of course, what's a job that's unbelievable if it doesn't come with stress? The last thing people think of is the immense pressure that comes with drawing superheroes. You can already hear your mother asking if you've applied for jobs yet.
With a Cleveland Institute of Arts education and a love for illustration, Oliver has a similar background as some other artists in town. He has the benefit of working to feed his adorable responsibility, his son. Most people don't work well under pressure. “It’s been so long since I've not been under pressure,” Oliver says. “I can’t remember if it makes me better.” As soon as Oliver finishes one project, he’s on to another. His next two months are planned out in perpetuity. You don’t usually get to work with Marvel at a creative agency. Oliver ended up leaving the grind of agency work because, in essence, he was fighting over the potentially cool paintball shop logo assignment. Now Oliver works with Mondo, a company in Houston that dreams up Pop culture is limited-edition, limited-release posters that resell online for hundreds or thouone of those sands of dollars.
things that you can't get wrong.
When you're doing promotional limited-release work with the licensure of major motion picture companies, as well as the collaboration and consent of all the actors involved, you're left with a task that's well defined. However, there is still an obligation to be sure that you do the best work possible. As a creative, Oliver somehow has to fit his style into a drawing of Iron Man. At the very least, he has to not get shown up by his competition.
DRAWING MAN continues on page 29
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TECH TRENDS Fake news is a real thing.
Dave Skorepa
F
ake news is a real problem, but not in the way our thin-skinned president attempts to discredit real news he doesn't like. Actual fake news is a disturbing tactic used by hostile foreign powers (specifically Russia) in an attempt to sew misinformation and cause societal rifts that can actually disrupt an election. There is literally a fake news group called the "Internet Research Agency" in Russia whose job it is to create misinformation and distribute it across social media channels. They call this "influence operations." Here's how it works in five steps.
01.
Obama, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko.
Create a government propaganda agency. Except you can't call it that because you need plausible deniability. Instead, call it the "Internet Research Agency." Yeah, nobody will guess that is actually the Ministry of Propaganda. Cool.
02.
Hire as many as 1,000 well-paid bloggers and commenters. One thousand. Pumping out content all day. Every day. Faster than anyone can fact check it.
03.
Take all that BS and spray it all over the internet. Fake blogs, hoax news sites, fake social media accounts.
04.
Also, we're pretty sure this is all financed by one of Putin's rich buddies. And by we, I mean the CIA. Do the math here. Why on earth would Putin want to create fake news to influence the democracy and sew civil discourse in it's most powerful rival? Gosh, I don't see what you're getting at here, they have nothing to gain Two years ago, I by getting Americans to hate each other and would have laughed question what is even true. Can we go back to talking about Hillary's pedophile pizza shop? in your face if you'd
have told me I would personally know multiple people who believed the Earth was flat.
Get bots and other fake accounts to retweet and amplify these posts to make them look legit. "Hey, NOTARUSSIANBOT_DEFINTELYAMERICANPATRIOTMAGA-GUY45 has 3,472 followers and his tweet about Hillary's pizza shop pedophile ring has 6,000 retweets! Must be true! Where there's smoke, there's fire—AMIRITE?"
05.
Give the commenters (professional trolls) a quota to go on websites like Fox News and Huffington Post and just troll the living hell out of the comments section, maybe 50 comments on news articles per day. Their goal? Stir up strife, dissent. Make people question the truth. Make normal, reasonable people so exasperated they give up fighting falsehoods.
It's estimated these efforts reached 150 million people through Facebook and Instagram, and it isn't just Hillary Clinton that was targeted. Before 2016 these same tactics were used against Barack
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The problem isn't just that there is a hostile foreign government engaging in this activity. The real problem is that people are stupid and believe this crap. Then they share it. Then they're allowed to vote. Two years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you'd have told me I would personally know multiple people who believed the Earth was flat, but here we are: Flat Earthers.
Fun fact: all the Flat Earthers I know voted for Trump. Draw your own conclusions from that.
This article is sponsored by Aztek, a web design, development, and digital marketing agency located in downtown Cleveland. aztekweb.com
EV
DRAWING MAN continued from page 27
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There are drawbacks to Oliver having such well-known subject matter. Everyone has specific expectations when an artist replicates famous faces. It would be easy for some to consider what Oliver does as derivative drawing as opposed to art. It definitely is art, just not art as we’ve known it. What Oliver does is a throwback to a bygone era. “In the old days of the entertainment busiOliver is ness, all movie posters were drawn by hand, responsible for and often by some guy working the lobby of the theater,” Oliver explains. Antique culmaking sure the ture has created a form of art that references heroes look like something that already exists. The internet they should. gives talented artists like Oliver an amazing opportunity to make a living off of something he loves. Oliver makes art that is exclusive and limited release. In a world where everyone can get just about anything, something that’s more exclusive has inherent value. Oliver will get back to his passion projects one day, likely as soon as he’s finished drawing Wolverine.
To see more of Oliver’s work visit oliverbarrett.com or follow him on Instagram @oliverbarrett.
PRESSURE15
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All Donald’s Eve Halloween costume suggestions to help you Trump the competition. Dan Bernardi Illustrations // Jason Feiler
Its the season for everyone's favorite dress-up holiday and what better way to celebrate Halloween than by celebrating the best Head of State of 2018: President Donald Trump. Instead of parading around in the same signature Donald wig and suit from last year, put a new spin on the tired old costume by adding a fresh coat of pun. After all, the world needs more Trumps out there.
Not a lot of people know this, but Donald J. Trump is quite the artiste when it comes to the joy of deal making. In homage to Trump's mastery of both business and the arts, this costume blends our President with everyone's favorite happy-tree painter, Bob Ross. You'll need a uniquely fluffy yellow afro and beard, a denim shirt, jeans, and a pair of Trump Tower elevator shoes to look the tallest. Next, grab your checkbook, an easel and brush, and don't forget a tube of orange paint—face paint, that is.
ARTIST OF THE DEAL
In just two years, President Trump has already strengthened relations with unhinged dictators Vlad and Kimmy, but he's still at odds with his arch-nemesis—comedian and activist Rosie O'Donnell. They've publicly exchanged insults, referring to each other as “slob,” “pig,” or “monster.” Naturally, this mash-up get-up will be in a league of its own. Dust off the Trump wig, put some rosy red blush over those spray tanned cheeks, and slip into a pink Rockford Peaches uniform. There's no crying in politics!
ROSIE O'DONALD
Mother Goose's classic nursery rhyme has taken a hilarious new twist since Trump was elected. Trumpty Dumpty, much like his predecessor Humpty, is all about that wall. Except Trumpty's got a big wall—the biggest!—keeping our border secure and paid for by Mexico. So craft yourself a giant papier mâché egg costume big enough to slip under an XXXXL Trump Collection suit. Ideally, the completed costume will be akin to Trump's presidency: absurd, unwieldy, and ready to crack.
Forget Roosevelt. If there was ever a President destined to defy the 22nd Amendment and declare “I'll be back—after my second term,” it's the Donald. Imagine a futuristic cyborg Trump sent back in time from the year 2029 and you've got the idea for this one. Strap on the Trump wig, sunglasses, and a leather coat. Hybrid one liners are mandatory. Try barking “You're fired” in an Austrian accent while resisting the urge to deport yourself. How do you say “Hasta la vista, baby” in American?
With a bewildering level of charm and influence, our 45th president is so charismatic he may have been burned at the stake for witchcraft if this were 1690s Salem. Let's bring a little black magic to the White House and give the Donald a wicked makeover. Start with your pre-loaded Trump hair and suit and slip on the standard rags for any celebrity apprentice of sorcery—a black, pointed hat, cloak, and stockings. Now you're ready to hop on a broomstick and make abracadabra great again.
For the couples out there looking to match at the Halloween party, here's the double-decker of Donald duds: A presidential adaptation of Disney's Lady and the Tramp. One of you plays the Trump, a loveable mongrel of a man-dog, decked head to toe in flappy yellow fur. Instead of our favorite Cocker Spaniel heroine, the other dresses as a sexy, yet crazed cat lady looking to share a spaghetti strand with the Commander in Heat. Cat ladies beware, a mutt like the Trump is likely to grab for the pussy.
TRUMPTY DUMPTY
HOCUS POTUS
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THE FOURTH TERM-INATOR
LADY AND THE TRUMP
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