Autora: María Victoria Gayoso Tello Email: mariavictoria.gayoso@hotmail.com Editor: Galo Flores Padilla Diseño y diagramación: Yuraq Comunicación Integral E.I.R.L.
Está prohibida la reproducción total o parcial de este libro, su tratamiento informático, la transmisión de cualquier forma o de cualquier medio, ya sea electrónico, mecánico, por fotocopia, registro u otros métodos, sin el permiso previo escrito de los titulares de Copyright. Primera edición en inglés - Impresión bajo demanda Editorial Livel Una marca registrada de Editorial Livel SAC. Hecho el Depósito Legal en la Biblioteca Nacional del Perú N° 2018-14793 Para encargar más copias de este libro o conocer otros libros de esta colección visite www.calidadynegocios.com
To my family and all my experiences, because they have made me a better person today. To the wonderful people I met in the National Rehabilitation Institute of Chorrillos, and all the wonderful people that are out there, making the best out of their lives.
An Ocean of Resilience Autora: María Victoria Gayoso Tello Editado por: Editorial Livel SAC Alameda Marquina 150-301 Limatambo San Borja Lima-Perú Teléfono: (511) 3759302 / 996596427 Email: gflores@calidadynegocios.com
Primera edición en inglés, septiembre 2018 Tiraje: 100 ejemplares
Hecho el Depósito Legal en la Biblioteca Nacional del Perú N°: 2018-14793 ISBN: 978-612-47362-4-7
Impreso en Punto Gráfico D´Carpio Av. Argentina 144 Septiembre 2018 Lima - Perú
INDEX 1. Introduction 2. Santiago 3. Benjamin 4. Alison 5. Gus 6. Sami
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Introduction
If you think you’re too small to make a difference, then you’ve never spent a night with a mosquito. – Anonymous
Being able to dream is truly what gives life meaning- it makes it worth living. Being able to wake up and think, I can, and I will do something today, that will help me achieve my dreams. But, being convinced of that – It’s a blessing. For my whole life (it’s not too long, trust me), up until now, I strongly believe that we are all blessed when we’re born, just because we are born. That each one of us (yes, I’m referring to you), are all miracles. But, why?
9
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
First: the probability of you being born, according to science (and a lot of math), is 1/10 followed by 2,685,000 zeros. (I wanted to put the figure here, thinking– yes, it would eventually fit, but concluded that would take a lot of time). Second: You. Can. Dream. And I’m sure you already do. If you don’t, then ask yourself: What do I want to achieve in life? Third: You can achieve your dreams. You can put time and effort into making them come true, because it is possible. The fact that you’ve come to this world, that you have the capacity to dream, and the capacity to make your dreams come true, is incredible.
10
So, you’re really, really special. And the people in this book are really special to me, and to the world. There are many human lives in this book, and they are all real. The names are real, and the day-to-day experiences shown here are very real too. But, how is that possible? The lives and experiences in this book are from people I’ve met. They were not given opportunities that millions of people around the world do get. This happens to one billion people around the world. Part of them are given the opportunities to lead lifestyles they can be proud of, but the great majority are not.
11
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
In the country where I’ve written this, people suffer from disabilities and need our help. They struggle because they are not given the opportunities. They suffer because society has turned a blind eye to them multiple times. In Peru, statistically, 88 percent of these people do not receive treatment or therapy of any sort. This means that 88 percent of them are not given the opportunity. Even though the people in this book have partly been given the opportunity, as they go through treatment every day, they still need our help. Some of them are adults, and, in order to be successful, they need the opportunity to be trained and to earn a salary.
12
However, they have become stronger, because due to the grim and harsh experiences they have gone through, they know who they are. But they still need help. They need the opportunity that we have. They need additional help to achieve their dreams, because they have been just as lucky as us to be alive, even though their situations may be different from ours. You will discover in this book that they feel, talk, smile, cry, think, and dream, just like us. But, only when they are given the opportunity. Why? Because they are not as fortunate as other people, not as fortunate as you are. You might also feel you’re not at all like them–
13
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
that’s okay, because we are all different, and we all lead different lives. But, it’s important to think about this: the lives in this book do not only belong to each of those people, but these situations are present in millions of cases around the world. Sometimes they need the help presented in this book, or a different type of approach. And that help, that motivation is, in many cases, not granted to them. Most of the time, our society usually makes them different, and that is not right. Society isolates them. But, even after everything that happens to them, they rise and overcome those things, either on
14
their own, or with foreign aid, and they learn to live with their conditions to allow themselves the opportunity to have a good life. I know this book is just a tiny grain of salt in the vast ocean of our world’s population and just a minuscule speck in a library. I could write around a billion stories about people all around the world that suffer from not being granted an opportunity. I could write a dozen more stories about the people I met in the National Rehabilitation Institute. But I believe these five are the ones that made me change, made me reflect, the ones that touched my heart. We all have things in common.
15
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
They have dreams: we have dreams. They have hope: we have hope. They are resilient: we are resilient. They want to be given an opportunity: we all want to be given an opportunity. Their disabilities are not impediments. The real disability is not theirs, it is ours. It is the disability of our society: It is our inability to grant them an opportunity. I want this book to create an impact in my society. That is why it is has been translated into Spanish because it will be sent to my country’s authorities, to urge them to make a change and help lives like these to achieve their dreams, by giving them the opportunities they need.
16
But I do hope that you feel inspired by these experiences, and that you too, are motivated to help lives like theirs, because there is nothing better than to find out you’ve just made an incredible impact in this world: you’ve changed a life for the better. I speak of equity here: Anyone, no matter who they are or what their living conditions are, is capable of anything. But only when they are given the opportunity.
17
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
PART [ I ]
18
Santiago
19
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ I ] Best Intentions Lima is a very busy city. It makes sense, but should it? It’s the center of Peru, the country’s capital and where all of our technological innovations are concentrated, but it isn’t physically located at the center of Peru. Traffic lights that ignite red, it’s time to cross. Green, don’t, and the honking of cars will make sure you don’t, and yellow... Maybe you should sit that one out and count it as red. Mom always makes sure I know that, even though she crosses the streets with me all the time. I’m five years old, I should be able to walk by myself– I don’t need Mom to carry me around. 20
When it rains, which is not frequent in Lima since it’s on a desert coast, it’s nice to jump on the mirrorlike puddles and listen to their watery sounds as they ripple. I usually do that by myself right outside our house, since Mom doesn’t find it as amusing. But then a day came in which I was glad she was with me on the streets. My hand in hers, we stood drowsily on the edge of the street. The birds were barely chirping, and the cars were barely honking– that meant it was around 6 a.m. We were the only ones standing by the sidewalk. An old woman was preparing her soup stand on the next block, there were a few stray dogs sniffing around, but wary enough of the rattling of her 21
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
wide pots and pans to stay away. The sky was gray. As gray as a donkey’s underbelly, the grownups would say. But Mom, just like the incessant traffic lights, was always alert, no matter what time of the day it was. I remember we crossed the street and she held my small, clammy hand. I remember the dogs barking. And the honking. But the light was red. Blood pounded in my ears and the cries merged with the honking and the ambulance and the people’s cries suddenly all around me like mist when it rains, and my mom’s cries and I think my own as well. I don’t remember anything after that. 22
Part [ II ] Looked Without Seeing Mom had pulled me in order to save me – But it had been no car. If it had been a car, Mom would’ve seen it. But it had been no car and had gone by too fast. The driver was eventually identified– even though the damage by its motorcycle had already been done, it meant something for the operation. Admitted to the Children’s Hospital, El Hospital del Niño, in the San Borja district, I spent the next three years resting in one of the hospital chambers, accompanied by its four walls and the occasional poster of how to prevent catching the common cold.
23
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
The warmth of the doctors and the nurses was like the sun finally coming out after a thousand days of biting winters. That was daily, to my great relief. Mom and Dad came to visit once a week, cheering me up and playing and telling me how their week had been shaped like a child’s story. There weren’t other kids in the hospital that I knew of– but I had the doctors, anyway, like Dr. Caballero, or Laura, the best of all the nurses. Within those three years, both of my legs were to be amputated because of the accident. I could never imagine what they had looked like right after it happened. Right after it ran through me. It was like that, for a long time. I heard without listening.
24
Touched without feeling. Ate without tasting. I was now eight years old, and sometimes, I would feel my legs. A faint itch, or sometimes pain, and it would not let me sleep. I didn’t sleep. So, for many endless days and nights when I was alone at home, I’d raise my head from the pillow – And look at something that was not there.
25
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ III ] Assurgent “How do you feel today?” “Well, my friend always knows how to make me feel better. Do you have a friend like that?” “I have Mom and Dad,” I said. “And my friends from school.” “Do they make you feel better?” “A little,” I nodded. He didn’t answer, just kept staring at me expectantly. “They do make me feel better,” I went on. “But... then that goes away.” I swallowed. “And I feel bad when it goes away. I cry at night too. But quietly, so Mom and Dad can sleep,” I said, matterof-factly. “My friend can help you with that,” he said. “Do you want him to help you?” 26
“Will he make me feel better?” I asked. Will he make me stop crying when I feel like this is all a horrible nightmare? Will that make Mom happy? “Whenever you seek Him out, he will be there. And He’ll be there, always.” “What’s his name?” I asked, curious. I think most people know who I’m referring to. But it’s okay if they don’t. I was being reassured. That was what was important to me. He reassured me when others could not. He was always there for me. When Mom or Dad couldn’t, or the doctors or nurses couldn’t, He was there. 27
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
He was there, and I felt better. I stopped crying so much when I thought of him. I felt happier. He was there when I was given legs. I had cried alone every night after Mom had hugged me and said goodnight because I could feel them, I could feel my legs in their absence. And now, I had them, even though they were not my own flesh and bone. It hurt so much to walk again. But it was good pain. It was pain that meant something good was happening to me, at last. And this was my sunrise. The only way I could say thank you, I think, would be to try and be like Him. Or, something a little simpler, maybe to be like the man that came to
28
talk to me every day of Him and got me to look at him when he came, to listen to him when he spoke, when I could only look at the limbs I did not have and only listen to my own laments and the sickening echoes of those laments in my neverending thoughts. He was a feeling, and I believed in that feeling. And I think he, too, wanted me to complete my dream of being like the man that introduced me to Him. And I think He was the one that gave me that chance. He gave me that second chance. And I was glad He was there to guide me in that path.
29
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
PART [ I ]
30
Benjamin
31
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
[This is one of my favorite stories. It’s funny, because I wrote it. When I met Benjamin, everything changed. My perspective, my way of seeing the world– my way of feeling. I hope you can feel this story too, imagine yourself in it, maybe aspire to be like him. Free your mind.]
32
Part [ I ] B is for When I grow up, I’m going to build a time machine. That’s it. I’ve already decided. But I also want to be a doctor. What about a scientist? Okay, I’ve decided two things, then. I’m going to build a time machine, and I’m either going to be a doctor, or a scientist, and do lots of experiments. I’d wear a white, awesome lab coat anyways. I was five years old when Grammy died. That’s why I will build a time machine, so I can get her back and study what made her ill. And I will be a doctor or a scientist, to find the cure that made her ill. 33
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
But also, to find the cure that was making me a little ill too. At first, the pain was not constant. It was right next to my knee, and it usually came at night, so I could still play football at school. Gramps said it must be a sports injury, and that I must be playing a little rough. But then, I started to limp and couldn’t play football or anything involving lots of moving because my leg would swell, and I got really tired. Then the pain started keeping me up at night. The only way to keep it at bay was to cry and sometimes, miraculously, there was some ice that Gramps could apply to that swollen spot. A few days later, Gramps took me to a nearby hospital, and I was glad we went on a bus because I couldn’t walk much anymore.
34
The doctor murmured I had a high grade. Was that good? At school, getting a high grade was great (I always get good grades, just a little humble brag). But in this case, that was not very good. It was terrifying. That’s why, as soon as the clinic could afford it, I went through a few things. SUR-jur-ee. That was the least weird word of them, but it was complicated. There were others. There was RAY-dee-A-shun... I really didn’t like that one. My eyes were so puffy from all the crying, but Gramps and my cousins hugged me a lot, too, and that helped in some way. There was another one that was really horrible... KEY-mo-THAIR-uh-pee. 35
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
And, no, the last syllable did not make it funny at all. But Gramps said I was brave. I was. We followed everything the doctors said, and it was good, because I could still go to school, at least for a little while during the day, and I got special permission, which was cool, because I could play with my friends. And after five or six months, I think, the pain disappeared, and my treatment ended. Gramps and my cousins and everyone were so happy, and I was too, because I wouldn’t have to go through all that ever again. Everything went back to normal. So, I’ll be a doctor someday. Or a scientist. But I’ll still build a time machine anyway.
36
Part [ II ] Blindfold A few months after that, we travelled to Pucallpa, a city close to the Ucayali river in the Amazonian Jungle. We had lived there when I was smaller, and I was born there (I was 11 years old now), with Grammy and Gramps when she had been here. I had a school break, and after lots of negotiations, Gramps agreed to take me for a few days. Everything was so beautiful. In Pucallpa there’s a Cathedral, a Museum, a park with so many animals, and so many other places to see, like a tower at the middle of the Plaza with a beautiful fountain. And at night, it lights up with so many colors... it’s like a dream. 37
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Pucallpa means “Red earth” in Shipibo. But the earth wasn’t red, which was funny. We went along the main hallway– the hospital was small, and there were not many doctors or nurses around. People sat in the only waiting room. In almost all public hospitals in Peru, receiving medical attention when you need it is very difficult, because there are always lots of people waiting in line and they have different emergencies. That’s why everyone waits in line, because doctors can’t be picky– if someone has a problem, it doesn’t mean yours is any less significant or important. I had been lucky, very lucky, to receive attention when my leg needed it. But now I just had to make a quick stop at the restroom, so we didn’t have to wait in line. Gramps spotted a young man in a white coat 38
standing behind the counter, reading papers from a pale blue folder. I assumed the lady that always sat behind the counter was in her midday break, that’s why a doctor was taking her place. “Excuse me, sir, could my boy use the restroom, please?” The doctor didn’t look up immediately but replied. “Yes, of course–” And then he raised his head and looked at me before either of us could move. And saw my leg. “Sir has your son received medical attention?” He asked kindly, adjusting his light, square glasses. Our neighbors and Gramps said it was normal, that my leg would go back to normal, that once I had been released from the treatment at the hospital, everything would be fine. 39
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
I could see in the doctor’s eyes that it was not true. But now, I wasn’t going to lose or risk anything. I would not risk my time at school, not my strength. Not my leg. Not again. “They’re not going to do anything to you,” Gramps said firmly, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the doctor. “He has already been treated. He doesn’t need anything else, he’s as healthy as any other boy.” The doctor nodded slowly. “Sir, I’d say he needs to be rehabilitated. From the looks of it, his leg suffers from post-polio syndrome, and we must intervene before it escalates into an amputation. He needs medical attention now.” “You’re the strongest boy I know, Benji.” Gramps 40
placed his hands on my shoulders. I think I was shaking a little. “I don’t want to go through all that again,” I whimpered. My eyes felt wet. It made me feel so tired and it hurt so much. I had been so happy when it was over. And now, I had to relive it all over again. I wanted to scream until my throat hurt. I did not want this. “The rehabilitation won’t hurt, I promise,” the doctor said, standing up. “And if you start now, you’ll walk without limping in time, and there won’t be need for any more treatments.” “Can he receive the rehabilitation here?” Gramps asked. The doctor shook his head. “Not here, but there is an institute in the Chorrillos district– you 41
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
don’t have to worry about the cost, it’s a public institution. I’m sure they’ll be more than willing to help your boy.” “Gramps?” I craned my neck to look at my grandfather, but he had a pensive look on his face. “Can I have the directions to get there?” He asked, looking at the doctor once more. Gramps was handed a small card, in which the letters N.R.I. were spelled. National Rehabilitation Institute of Chorrillos, it read. I drew in a shaky breath. “First, I want to go to the bathroom,” I told Gramps. “And maybe,” I looked directly at the doctor, my hands feeling a little less clammy. “I can have medical attention now, if you’ve finished seeing the other patients.”
42
Part [ III ] Hypothetical Warped Spacetime Yesterday, I didn’t need to hold Gramps’ hand. I even walked the length of the entire hall! But, I did feel a little tired after that, so we got something to drink from the Institute’s cafeteria. “I feel much better,” I said. I meant it. All that had happened felt like a pause. As if my life had been suspended these last months. As if I hadn’t really been living, or I had been another person. But the doctor said everything was going very well. The next day, I was looking through the window and at the gray sky and pressed my nose to the cold window, the warmth of my face causing it to get lightly steamed. 43
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
I think Gramps and the doctor were talking and then a tear slid down Gramps’ eye. My chest tightened. I don’t want them to take my leg I don’t want to lose my leg I don’t want them to take my leg I don’t want them to take my leg I don’t want to – I did not want to. But then Gramps hurried into the room and hugged me, and I could barely draw a breath, fearing I would burst. “You’re going to run again, my boy- you’re going to play ball with your friends, run around the whole world if you want to, Benji- you’re going toyou’re going t-to...” He was crying so much, his wrinkled face was all puffy and red, and I was crying, too - I had been so afraid of losing what I suffered so long for, and now, I was not going to lose it at all- my leg would be okay. I would be okay. 44
“Gramps...” He wasn’t crying tears of sadness. They were tears of joy. I knew that, and he knew that. Maybe the doctor that helped me through my rehabilitation had been me all along. But an older me, from the future. Maybe I had already invented a time machine and I had travelled back in time to help me and help my leg be fully okay again. Maybe I had already found the cure for what had made me ill. And maybe, just maybe, I would see Grammy someday, and she’d hug me, telling me in her squeaky voice how happy she was for me, how proud everyone was of me. But I think the most important thing was the way I felt, because this was just the first step. And I felt proud of myself. 45
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
PART [ I ]
46
Alison
47
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ I ] Low Tide A nudge roused me from sleep. Faint. Wary. My eyes fluttered open. There is not much to see in between the drowning of the sun and the first lights of day. Not much to see. Not much to feel, either. Just like my leg. This was not my organism at fault. This was somebody else’s doing, and I was a consequence of that somebody’s actions. My femoral artery had been mangled. But that somebody had taken so long, so long, that now, I could not even feel or remember the pain of this disfigurement. 48
This was long after the sun had drowned in the horizon. 11:01 pm. That was hours before the nudge that had roused me from my sleep. It was now the next day. It was the next day, it was the next day the next day the next the next the next – My leg had lost all sense of feeling when the emergency operation took place. That was why I had been nudged. The doctor had finally arrived. He had arrived at last, hours after the accident. This was not my fault. This was a consequence of that late arrival. A consequence of that somebody that took so long to come when I was desperate for help, when 49
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
mother could not even form words with her mouth because it was shaking and trembling so much, and I could just stare. Blankly. But if I had to blame anyone for what happened, it would have been my leg’s frailty. And if I was blaming a part of me, then I was blaming myself. I blamed my vulnerability.
50
Part [ II ] Measures I once heard a joke about children being strong because we’re young and our bodies are young, and our blood is fresh and when we’re healed from anything, we always end up “as good as new”. I’m decent with numbers. At school, I’m good at math class and I like working with numbers. But imagining large quantities is a challenge, I’d say for anyone. That conclusion doesn’t have to be drawn from my math class, though. Like, you can count three drops of blood or a liter of water and visualize it just as easily as you visualize a car accident.
51
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
But it’s different to feel the car running through your membranes, to witness the formation of a pool of blood and not only a pool. It gets everywhere and the stannic taste sticks to the roof of your mouth and more and more just pours out and seeing that haunts you, it haunts you it haunts you it I was screaming. I was screaming.
52
A little girl with one leg and a half, a bright face (bright from the effort of my cries) hobbling around the dust and grit when everyone was gone because it was the afternoon, and everyone went to work, and I stayed and cried and just kept on crying the word mom for hours until she finally arrived home with the other members of the family. That’s why everyone makes sure I’m never left at home alone. It just happened once. But it was enough for that decision to be made.
53
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
“I want my leg to be strong.” My voice came out raspy, as if it had been stored in my throat for too long. Or I had been screaming too much. Both of those things happened on the same day. My leg had to be strong. Otherwise it would be too painful to walk. Sometimes it swelled. We lived close to an institute, where I started my rehabilitation. I didn’t even think having a new leg was possible. I didn’t even dare to dream about that. That is, until the day the nurse told us it was possible.
54
Part III Out the Window Maybe this is difficult to understand. It is, or it isn’t. Mom walked me to the Institute every day as was dictated. The rehabilitation didn’t hurt, even though, after all that I had gone through, I wouldn’t have felt even the sharpest prick of a needle. When you just wake up from a winsome dream and you gaze out of a window, what do you feel? When you just wake up and you look out of a window and see children playing and running around, what do you feel?
55
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Have you ever looked at the bright summer sun and the wide blue skies and have you ever thought, I wish I could fly? What if you knew that once upon a time, you had just been as capable of playing and running around just like those children? What if you could fly? But, what if you can’t do any of those things? What if it’s not your fault you can’t? What, then?
56
57
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
PART [ I ]
58
Gus
59
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ I ] Light it Up “Hey Gus, are you good up there?” “Yeah. You guys go ahead, I’ll fix these connections and catch up later.” “Alright.” And with that, they left, and I stayed. My hands slid dexterously across the cables. I liked a few things about these cables. First, some could be thin as a vein, some could be as wide as one of my arms, some could be the size of a pencil, or long enough reach from one of Peru’s regions to another. And what I liked about them was that they all completed the same function: connection. With the sole purpose of granting electricity from one
60
place to another, to grant better ways of life for the people. But only those that can afford it. So many people, millions of people in Peru, don’t have enough money to gain access to electricity. Some of them cannot even afford a single lightbulb. Half of the year in Peru is freezing cold in many regions, especially in the mountains. Children die every day because their households don’t have electricity and their parents cannot afford an electrical heating system. If I could, I’d go through every house in Peru and fix a good outlet in all those families’ houses and connect it to one of the generators. I wouldn’t charge anyone anything to have a potential connection at home and have electricity, heat, if it meant avoiding so many innocent and unnecessary deaths. 61
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
It was also good that I wasn’t afraid of heights. I don’t think I was looking at the cables anymore. For only a split second, a split heartbeat in which I could not move, I stared at the shiniest, brightest, sharpest combination of color spectrums I could not even fathom, like the most dazzling scattering of stars and the force of a thousand suns. And then... I could not see anything anymore. “Gus, I think I left my bag...-” !
62
But, I don’t think I could hear anything either.
63
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ II ] Acrophobia (Not) One day came, not far at all from my accident, in which I could not even look at my own mother. A hot lump was stuck in my throat. It had been there, growing and growing, ever since I closed my eyes that day. I had lost the only job I had worked for so long, nurtured for so long. “Where are you going?” She asked. I’m not going anywhere. “I’m going to buy something to eat,” I said, keeping my voice flat. “Alright. Remember to take your keys, I’m going to work late tonight.”
64
I didn’t reply, because my throat had closed itself tightly shut. I took the keys and closed the door behind me, tight and shut, just like my throat. The sky was sickly and pale, holding its light drizzle back, as if the clouds wanted to witness what one of the odd creatures on the ground was about to do. I crossed many streets and did not look at anything or anyone. I felt nothing. Had I become nothing? I walked up the stairs, people all around me, cars beneath me, there was faint honking, faint talking, all moving. Would anyone care about what happened to me?
65
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Would the cars just run over and around me? I walked towards the edge of the bridge, where the guardrails lay. They reached up to the top of my head. I lifted an arm. And I could not hold the guardrail. Can you believe it? I wanted to laugh and scream and cry at the same time. I couldn’t do anything other people could do. When I closed the door and left mother at home, I thought: This, I can do. But I could not even grab the guardrails of the bridge to climb to the top, to contemplate the ground beneath without fear, to close my eyes before I hit the ground.
66
But I could not even grab the handrail to do that. I fell back and sat, slowly, my back resting against the guardrail. The ground was dusty and bleak. Had I been betrayed? Did you betray me? I asked silently to the being I had been taught my whole life to believe in. It had been so long since I prayed. And at that moment, I remember I didn’t think it over. I just... did. Not with words, but with feelings. As a kid, you’re taught how to speak, how to walk, how to run. But no one teaches you how to feel. I showed my vulnerability. I prayed. He knew of my vulnerability.
67
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
He knew of my disability. It was all I had left. And I think in that moment, some type of strength started to burn within me. It had been there, dormant, when I tried to climb the guardrail. I didn’t have hands. I couldn’t hold crutches or handrails or guardrails. Hugging others was painful for me. But I could still walk. And before that, I could talk. I could still run. And, I was alive, right? I think I read somewhere that it’s a miracle just for someone to be born, because the probability of you not being born is tremendously bigger than that. And I had been born.
68
I had been a very unlikely event. I was here. And I want to do something. I heard laughter. It came from my own mouth. I think that if you’re in a moment of ecstasy and you show that to the world, people will grant you a series of weird stares. They must think I’m crazy. But I was not! I had just discovered something that had always been there. I would make the best of it. I want to make this world better, because, if we’re so tremendously lucky to be born and to be alive... Why don’t we make the best of it?
69
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ III ] Accentuation I arrived home when the first rays of dawn stroke the sickly orange sky. I found mother sitting in one of our small chairs at the living room, cradling a piece of cloth. Her eyes were puffy. When I entered the house, she started crying all over again. She feared something had happened to me. “I would never forgive myself if something bad happened to you, not again,” she sobbed, brushing my hair back with a hand. “I need help, Mother,” I told her. “I want to work again. But I need help.” It was painful.
70
Every day I went to the rehabilitation I feared I’d lose hope and die all over again. But I never did, and He made sure I never did. I wonder if the reason why everything went well ever since that day at the bridge, was because He had faith in me. I had been born, because He had faith in what I was to do once my rehabilitation was over. He had faith in me. I had faith in myself. Just like the sparks had stunned me, just like they had amazed me, I would stun the people around me, I would amaze them, show them that no matter what, I could do it. I could do anything. I can do it. And I know now, that I will never let Him down. 71
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
PART [ I ]
72
Sami
73
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part I Lull Golden sunlight poured in from everywhere. It filtered through the windows and glazed the glass, reached the skin on my face, and fell all over the place. It was like music. I could hear everything and nothing at the same time. If you think about it, anything and everything can be music. You just need a little rhythm. I scampered from the reduced windowsill of home, and into the world of outside. It would be so much easier if everyone just lived inside their own homes as if they were their own little worlds. 74
But then we wouldn’t know anyone else other than our family. But we’d always be safe because sometimes, there are people you can’t trust, that’s what mam always says. But it’s worth it when you find the good things about being outside. Sometimes staying at home isn’t the best idea when there are other things you could do, like playing under the sun or lying in the cool afternoon grass. My family is really big, by the way. But I mostly keep to myself, because I enjoy my own company just fine. Everyone in my family works and nurtures our bit of land in Chosica, we’ve lived in it for our entire lives. It feels like the biggest place in the world. But the world is much bigger, and I can feel it. 75
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Would it be possible to cover the entire world with music? Everything would be so gray and horrible without music. We need music. One day, I’ll cover the entire world with the best music so the people that live with clouds over their eyes can be happy. But, for now, I just had to work on getting better, so I’ll be able to dance to that music when I grow older.
76
Part [ II ] Staccato At last, a small white car stopped by the edge of the road, and a pair of dark brown eyes blinked at Mom expectantly. “Can you take us to the rehabilitation institute?” She asked, signaling the road in front of us. But then the man looked at my crutches and then at my leg. If there even was a leg to look at. “I’m running against time here,” the driver rasped sharply, as if sandpaper were rubbing against his throat. “I can’t take you. Sorry.” His grimy hands curled around the steering wheel and accelerated before either of us could say anything.
77
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Mom’s hand tightened around mine. I swallowed. “It’s okay, Mom,” I said, my voice thin. “I can walk.” She squeezed my hand and exhaled slowly through her nose. “We will wait for another car.” We didn’t. She carried me and walked, and I didn’t. I don’t like this. I was being a burden to her. Like one of those sacks she carried for one of her jobs. A thing she had to carry because that thing couldn’t move by itself. “Sami?” I blinked but didn’t say anything. “Why are you so quiet? Is my chirpy bird hungry?” I’m tired.
78
But I didn’t say it out loud. She was the one carrying another person in her back. If anyone should be tired, it should be her. It took about an hour to get to the Institute and another hour to wait for the doctor to be liberated and tend to my rehabilitation. It was not a sunny day. It was never sunny here. I miss home. Okay, I did like the Institute, it was fine. But I would rather stay in our cozy house in Chosica. Everything was gray and dead and earsplittingly loud here. There was no grass. It was all gray.
79
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Part [ III ] Accentuation It’s amazing how anything in the world can easily be music. Anything, really. If you know how to find the melody. And one gray day in the Institute, I heard my melody. When the doctor said there was no need for me to keep on going to the Institute, that was my melody. It was as if the sun had risen for the very first time in my bleak, windswept life. I remember when I got home. I did so many things. I walked and ran and jumped around our entire
80
land, giggling and laughing with my little brothers and telling them how I would cover the world with the best music one day, much better than their lousy singing, if it could even be called singing. Every day at school I would stay in the class and play music with one of the teachers, she played an instrument called a violin, and I’d sing with her and every day I would be better, I’d be much better.
81
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
One day, I’ll cover the world with music. That day, every child that grew up like I did will listen to that music, and one day be able to run, jump, and do so many things that we’re told we can’t do, just because we’re not good enough, just because there are some things we can’t do, because of something that happened to us. But if we stopped looking at the things we can’t do, and appreciated the things we can do... The world would be a much more beautiful place.
82
Look at you. I’m already proud of you. Why? Because if I can do it, you can. So, go out there. Go out there and show the world how good you are at what you can do. And never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
83
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
84
Acknowledgements
85
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
The National Rehabilitation Institute (NRI) is located in Lima, Peru, in the district of Chorrillos. The first day I started this project, I met with Mr. Cuellar, the Director of the San Juan de Dios Clinic’s NGO, located in the San Luis district of Lima. Mr. Cuellar gladly met me at the NRI and told me about the lives of the patients during treatment in the NRI. “Daily life is difficult for the patients here,” he said one brittle day in August, when we met. “I know this, because I was one of them.” Mr. Cuellar, the inspiration for the first chapter of this book, had both legs amputated when he was 5 years old in a traffic accident. But he overcame it. He is much more than the things that have
86
happened to him, because he has been willing to grow and to learn. Now, this is important: every person mentioned in this book is real, and every story is real. I hope they read this book someday, and I hope they know that I am very, very proud of them. And I am proud of you too, because I know now, even if you haven’t realized it yet, that you’re thinking about your own dreams. But do not just think about your dreams and what you want to achieve. Work hard to achieve them, and put effort and love into that work, just like I did, nurturing this book and writing and editing so many details until it felt near-perfect.
87
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
It is very different to see a picture, to reading a formal article, in comparison to real life. Witnessing it, or living it, is very different from reading it. And to listen to them talk– it is very different from trying to imagine yourself in their position. Sometimes, you just have to listen. The characters in this book have many things to say, and I do, too. Some of us are very, very fortunate. Sometimes, much more than others. And it’s not fair. It is not fair for the ones that are not as lucky. That is why the ones that are fortunate should feel the instinct to help those that are not as fortunate, because they need our help.
88
“Ma’am, what would you do in my place? I even compared myself to a 3-year old. He could walk, he could talk, he could grab his food and put it in his mouth, he could hold a pen and write.” “But I could not. It’s different not having a leg, or a foot, to missing a hand, or two hands. I felt useless.” But now, he doesn’t feel useless. They don’t feel useless. I was proud of him when we met, and I am still proud of him, and every single person in this book.
89
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
Epilogue It is not unlikely that the situations in this book have happened to similar people. They are based on real people. It is not unlikely that you, too, have experienced what is written in this book. And it is very likely you want to change the world. Everyone does. Thinking of what you want to do and what your dreams are, to change the world for the better, that is what makes life worth living. While writing this, my hands were cold. That happens when I feel like I can do something, and I am not doing it at that very moment. That is why, like Martin Luther King Jr. said, I have a dream.
90
My dream is to help others– to spread my happiness and help like a world-sized sprinkler and cover as much ground as possible to make everyone else grow happily. That is why I will always put all of my efforts into everything I do. I know that if I work hard enough, I will achieve that dream. As I said before, achieving a dream takes time, effort, and courage. But, if what you do and what you want to achieve makes your heart happy– then do it. Do what you love. No problem or change in your life will ever be strong enough to put you down. I know that, and I believe in you, even if you, in some cases, do not.
91
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
This is your life, and you have your own dreams. So, why don’t we make the best of that? And, I’d say that, just the fact that you can do it, the fact that you can make the best out of your life because you can do it, and you can achieve your dreams, because no dream is ever too big. And, that is truly, what I believe to be the very best of things.
92
Dust if you must By Rose Milligan
Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better To paint a picture or write a letter, Bake a cake or plant a seed, Ponder the difference between want and need. Dust if you must, but there’s not much time, With rivers to swim and mountains to climb, Music to hear and books to read, Friends to cherish and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world’s out there, With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again. Dust if you must, but bear in mind, Old age will come and it’s not kind. And when you go – and go you must – You, yourself, will make more dust. 93
An Ocean of Resilience / Maria Victoria Gayoso Tello
P.D. – Never stop dreaming and never stop trying, have courage. Everyone in the world has problems, it doesn’t matter if they are big or small. We know what it feels like to be scared, to be in pain, to be tired of many things, to even want to quit and shut ourselves down. Please, do not do that. You are much stronger than that, because you’ve come to this world with a mission: To make it a better place. I believe that we can all live in a better place if we start by making the best version out of that person we see in the mirror.
94
Ourselves. If we start believing that we can be kinder, more open to opinions, more empathetic, our world will soon be full of those type of people. The best type of people. I cherish that belief. And I hope that you, the person reading these words I’ve thought about for so long, I hope that you start believing in them, too.
95
I could write around a billion stories about people all around the world that suffer from not being granted an opportunity. I could write a dozen more stories about the people I met in the National Rehabilitation Institute. But I believe these five are the ones that made me change, made me reflect, the ones that touched my heart. We all have things in common. They have dreams: we have dreams. They have hope: we have hope. They are resilient: we are resilient. They want to be given an opportunity: we all want to be given an opportunity. Their disabilities are not impediments. The real disability is not theirs, it is ours. It is the disability of our society: It is our inability to grant them an opportunity.