Queen City Nerve - May 4, 2022

NewS

High school coach faces disturbing allegations pg. 4

Arts

The choreography of intimacy

pg. 8

Alex

makes his own name with South End spot

Verica

By Timothy DePeugh

RYAN PITKIN rpitkin@qcnerve.com

DIGITAL EDITOR KARIE SIMMONS ksimmons@qcnerve.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

NEWS & OPINION

4 At the Market by Justin LaFrancois

Local business owner and volleyball coach faces allegations of inappropriate behavior

ARTS & CULTURE

8 More Than a Passion Project by Autumn Rainwater

Local intimacy choreographer Kaja Dunn takes us behind the love scenes

10 Lifeline: 10 Cool Things To Do in Two Weeks

MUSIC

12 Not an Act by Kadey Ballard

Actress Kadey Ballard goes between stages with nascent musical career

14 Soundwave

FOOD & DRINK

16 Para Apparent by Timothy DePeugh

Chef Alex Verica builds his own name with new South End spot

LIFESTYLE

18 Puzzles

20 Aerin It Out by Aerin Spruill

19 Strange Facts

21 Horoscope

22 Savage Love

Thanks to our contributors: Autumn Rainwater, Timothy DePeugh, Grant Baldwin, Peter Taylor, Cal Quinn, Erica Lauren, Aerin Spruill, Dewayne Barkley, and Dan Savage.

AT THE MARKET

Local business owner and volleyball coach faces allegations of inappropriate behavior

BY JUSTIN LAFRANCOIS

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INFO@QCNERVE.COM.

THE CONTENTS OF THIS

ARTICLE HAVE BEEN MOVED, NOT RETRACTED. TO REQUEST A COPY, PLEASE EMAIL INFO@QCNERVE.COM.

THE CONTENTS OF THIS ARTICLE HAVE BEEN MOVED, NOT RETRACTED. TO REQUEST A COPY, PLEASE EMAIL INFO@QCNERVE.COM.

MORE THAN A PASSION PROJECT

Local intimacy choreographer Kaja Dunn takes us behind the love scenes

BY AUTUMN RAINWATER

When I finally met Kaja Dunn, a UNC Charlotte professor who also works as an intimacy choreographer for TV, movies and theatre, I felt a familiar energy — as if we had already met.

When I met her on campus one recent afternoon, Dunn asked if we could sit outside, as she felt like she really hadn’t “felt the sun” lately due to her intense schedule. She was still mentally two hours behind, as she had just gotten back to Charlotte on a red-eye from Denver to spend Easter with her sons (Ian, 12; Zeke, 8; and August, 5) and in the midst of traveling, one of the Broadway plays that she is working on stopped production temporarily thanks to “a number of things.”

I and everyone who has been through the pandemic could relate.

Luckily, Dunn was able to hold some space for me to talk about how she came to work as an intimacy choreographer, which describes someone who consults with actors about their movements in sexually or emotionally-charged scenes on stage or screen.

Until recently, I didn’t know her job position existed, but after sitting with her I learned why people like Dunn are vital to the acting world.

During our time together, I was impressed at how Dunn was so seemingly present, at one poinr stopping to help a struggling janitor move through the door leading to the courtyard where we were headed.

Perhaps it’s surprising to see someone so in the moment when they have so many things going on at once.

In the week leading up to our meeting, Dunn had to fly to New York for the relaunch of Strange Loop, a Broadway musical she’s been working on, for two days before heading to Denver for two previews of a musical drama called Choir Boy, another one of her works. From there, she went to observe the

production of the final chapter of The Best Man series, which is set to premiere on NBC’s streaming platform Peacock sometime this year.

And that’s not even her day job. Dunn also works as an assistant professor of theatre at UNC Charlotte, and is an actor, director and activist. She is the head of The Equity, Diversity, Inclusion, and Intimacy Initiative (EDIII) for Theatrical Intimacy Education and a consultant on race for Actor’s Equity Association, not to mention an executive board member of the Black Theatre Network and a former board member of the Black Theatre Association.

“It all seems very … action-packed,” I said of her schedule as we walked.

She laughed and responded, “Right, but then there was no work for two years, right? So now all of a sudden, it was this very exciting thing of ... Yes! These are dream projects! Literally like every dream project but they all started on the same day.”

Dunn has worked at numerous institutions, including Princeton University and Spelman College. She has published academic articles and taught internationally about equity in the arts and liberal arts. Her current primary research focus is on using theatre to facilitate complex cultural conversations and reimagining theatre training for actors of color.

“I mean, this is not normal… I’m still teaching,” she said of her jam-packed workload. “My students are very understanding though. I was happy to have had a few helping hands … I don’t feel like my students are missing out; and this actually in some ways feels more balanced because I’m able to create spaces where things exist.”

Dunn’s past students include Tony Award winner Tonya Pinkens; Broadway actor and North Carolina School of the Arts graduate Terence Archie; and queer Afro-Filipino American filmmaker Carmen Lobue.

‘Make things less weird’

Another one of the helping hands that Dunn referred to is Chelsea Pace, leading intimacy choreographer/coordinator and co-founder of Theatrical Intimacy Education.

Pace is best known in her field for writing a book titled Staging Sex: Best Practices, Tools, and Techniques for Theatrical lntimacy, which gives practicality to solutions for staging intimacy, nudity, and sexual violence.

Dunn is working as Pace’s associate on Strange Loop and is co-lead with her on The Best Man.

A simple way that Pace describes the role of an intimacy choreographer is to “make things less weird,” but for Dunn, there’s a lot of research and teaching that goes into that seemingly simple mission.

She used a recent scene she worked on in Choir Boy, a play about a young Black gay man who finds

his voice in a choir at an all-boys prep school, as an example of what that work looks like. She called it “the most beautiful scene I’ve ever done.”

“So, we do a scene in the round where a shower comes down over the whole stage. It was originally in a shower stall so you see a kiss, you see them go in the shower and then you see it punch out, but with this (scene) you see everything, right?”

Dunn wanted to display elements of consent, care and safety in a way that made them look like teenagers and not two grown men, and did so by angling the characters’ bodies in a way that represented that.

It sounds simple enough, but it is a delicate approach that’s inspired by how people see Black bodies in intimate situations, historically. Dunn said Pace has a saying for how they approach scenes like the one in Choir Boy: “Pleasurable, instead of being sexualized under a male gaze.”

KAJA DUNN PHOTO COURTESY OF UNC CHARLOTTE

ARTS FEATURE

Dunn’s work is important because, as in journalism or any other field, representation matters.

“People don’t see Black boys or queer kids as children, so where I think things are sort of synchronized is my research around race and tropes helps me think through ‘Okay, what do I want this choreography to look like,’ because it is a sensual scene, right? But it’s also two teenage boys who haven’t had a lot of experience.

“Speaking for Black, Asian and indigenous people … what are the colonizational tropes? “ she continued. “And when you know that, what you can take into choreography is how you can tell a different story,” she told me.

I asked her how she, as a Black woman, navigates in a space where important aspects of race and gender have for so long fallen into tropes or stereotypes.

“People assume you’re in the room because of diversity but (I’m) letting people know it’s research, it’s work,” Dunn said.

She nods to authors like bell hooks and Audre Lorde, as well as writers like Adrienne Maree Brown

who work in what is called pleasure activism.

“In some of the more ‘professional’ settings and environments, the assumption is that I should be grateful or that I’m getting a hand up rather than being in the room because it was earned,” she said.

Women are not exempt from being mocked or belittled for simply existing in any line of work, it seems.

“There’s misogyny, supremacy, people being patronizing and classist, but being genuine and doing the work will get you far,” she said.

Regardless of the obstacles, Dunn stays true to her motive: giving people a more humanized and grounded perspective on Black love and intimacy.

“We don’t see those stories,” she told me. “If you think about Queen and Slim, [If] Beale Street [Could Talk], 12 Years a Slave ... 2015 to 2018 was very heavy on violence in Black sex.”

“And sadness,” I added.

“And SADNESS!” she echoed. “But we have fun and we’re silly and, yes there’s trauma, but that also means that when we are tender with each other it’s really rich and nuanced and that’s in Blackness, but even thinking about Asian women in culture and showing agency ... showing Asian men and indigenous men as sex symbols and not

showing them serving a white protagonist.

“If I do my job well, the audience isn’t gonna go, ‘Wow, they’re upending two centuries of sexual and racial tropes!’” she continued, laughing. “But they will see beauty and they’ll see it as an expression of what has existed, right? For me, it’s about seeing what exists, what makes people unique and beautiful, what exists in each culture that is unique and beautiful, and because I’ve always been on the margins, I know to ask, ‘What am I not seeing and what do I not know?’ If you are marginalized, you have to figure out, how do I enter this room? That’s like code switching right? All I’m doing is asking the question in every scenario that I enter, even if I choreographed two white people, I’m thinking about, ‘What are their stories?’ But I also know when I enter into race, there are things that I need to ask that are culturally specific. I need to know how the culture works; what are the fables, the lore, the mythology of this culture and how can I echo that in my work?”

A gendered approach

Not only does race play a large role in Dunn’s work, but gender as well, which sounds obvious but goes deeper than you may think. There’s a thin line between intimacy and violence, after all.

“We were told in my early acting classes to go make out in a corner to get more comfortable, right? But you wouldn’t give two people swords and say ‘Okay, now go attack each other’s groin!’ because everybody understands that’s violence. It’s just really about care and consent.”

That applies onstage and off. An important part of Dunn’s work is making sure things stay professional, and that can be as simple as teaching

proper verbiage and keeping closed sets.

“Don’t use words in work that you would use in the bedroom,” she said. “You say ‘groin area,’ and kisses are put to a count, like a four-count measure. These tools are important to tell a story well.”

So how does someone decide that they want to be an intimacy choreographer when they grow up? After all, it’s not the type of job one thinks of when they consider routes into show business. Dunn grew up with a more conventional dream to become an actress.

Her other passions — social care, counseling and community engagement — are what created a foundation for her entry into intimacy choreography. For her, it felt like a natural extension.

Laura Rikard, founder of Theatre Intimacy Education, invited Dunn to speak on a panel discussing consent and diversity in the classroom and additionally working on safe spaces for theatre students of color, theatre training and pronoun use or sexuality. That experience got her thinking about her own training and experience in theatre — mainly, what didn’t work. That’s how she began to learn more about intimacy choreography.

“The ethos of collaboration and community is important” she says, “and without intimacy, sexual or otherwise, we won’t understand the full humanity of people. Intimacy is all of my favorite parts of theatre — it’s the research, the directing, the collaboration, working with actors and taking care of people, which is essentially a part of my teachings and all of that coming together and telling a story.”

It’s clear that Dunn loves her job, and that’s important when your job is to help others convey love in its most raw form.

PHOTO COURTESY OF UNC CHARLOTTE KAJA DUNN AT A PUBLIC SPEAKING EVENT.

‘DOT’

A holiday gathering of a black, middle-class West Philadelphia family is fraught with more tension than usual. That’s because the siblings, spouses and friends visiting iron-willed matriarch Dotty are grappling with the latter’s steady decline due to Alzheimer’s. There are enough subplots and themes to fuel a dozen soap operas in Colman Domingo’s play, but this story, directed by Charlotte’s own Tony Award-winner Corey Mitchell, is played for genuinely moving and empathetic comedy. As Dotty’s children fight to balance care for their mother and care for themselves, the fading matriarch struggles to hold on to her memory.

More: $25-30; May 6-21, times vary; The Arts Factory at West End Studios, 1545 W. Trade St.; threebonetheatre.com

MAY THE 4TH

If you enter the costume contest for this Star Wars-inspired celebration, can you dress up as a character from Hardware Wars, the micro-budgeted 1978 parody of the franchise mothership where Chewchilla the wookiee monster resembles Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster and Princess Anne-Droid’s hair-do consists of two cinnamon rolls attached to each side of her head? No matter, this non-cultural appropriation alternative to Cinco de Mayo also includes Star Wars-themed music from Patt Attack, the movie that started it all playing on two TVs, $2 “Death Star” PBRs and more. More: Free; May 4, 1 p.m.; Bart’s Mart, 3042 Eastway Drive; facebook.com/Bartsmart.clt

PAINTERS REFUGE: A WAY OF LIFE – REGINALD SYLVESTER II OPENING RECEPTION

Drawing on the Bible, the world of fashion, Marcel Duchamp’s readymades, Abstract Expressionists, and Willem de Kooning, in particular, North Carolina artist Reginald Sylvester II specializes in largescale canvases in which figures jostle and struggle to emerge from thickets of abstract brushwork. Sylvester’s choice of materials is also unique. His works gain gravitas from the meaning imbued in the exposed stretcher bars and military tent shells he uses. The opening reception kicks off Sylvester’s first solo museum exhibition in the United States. More: Free; May 5, 6 p.m.; Gantt Center, 551 S. Tryon St.; ganttcenter.org

BOMBADIL, BLUE CACTUS

I first encountered Bombadil a decade ago. Back then, the Durham combo that shares its name from a J.R.R. Tolkein character, took a kitchen-sink-hitsthe backwoods-approach, throwing banjo, trumpet, ukulele and pan flute at twee pop, spastic waltzes, Preservation-era Kinks and everything in between. That eclecticism has remained, but now it’s better focused. Bombadil has matured, crafting poetic lyrics touching on resignation and resilience, over a solid bedrock of folk rock, alt-country harmonies and heartfelt pop. Bombadil often favors thoughtful arrangements, but they still take off on tangents midway between 1960s freak folk and The Band.

More: $25; May 7, 8 p.m.; Petra’s, 1919 Commonwealth Ave.; petrasbar.com

BLACK CINEMA SERIES: ‘THE GREEN PASTURES’

The Green Pastures is a crowd-pleasing all-Black-cast film made when meaningful roles for Black actors were all but nonexistent in Hollywood. Adapted by white co-director Marc Connelly from his Pulitzer Prize-winning play, the 1936 drama draws protean power from its folkloric depiction of scriptural material, presented as a series of Sunday School Bible stories linked by spirituals. The presentation may be genius in its simplicity, but the film derives its emotional punch from performers such as Rex Ingram (Sahara, The Thief of Baghdad) and Eddie “Rochester” Anderson (The Jack Benny Program).

More: $7-$9; May 8, 2 p.m.; Gantt Center, 551 S. Tryon St.; ganttcenter.org

ANTHONY GREEN, LAURA JANE GRACE, TIM KASHER

Life is a merry-go-round in a package entitled The Carousel Tour, which features three dynamic singersongwriters steeping beyond the bounds of the alt rock/emo bands they usually front: Green (Circa Survive), Grace (Against Me!) and Kasher (Cursive and the Good Life). Actually, the carnivalesque branding is on point. Each of these performers has weighed in candidly on life’s kaleidoscopic and often absurd nature, none more so than Kasher. His latest album, Middling Age, tackles thorny issues like losing loved ones and feelings of personal stagnancy and uncertainty with empathy, humanity and wit.

More: $25; May 11, 7 p.m.; The Underground, 820 Hamilton St.; fillmorenc.com

Photo by Dewayne Barkley

5/11

EUROVISION KARAOKE

To those unfamiliar with the Eurovision Song Contest, its’ a popular European group and solo singing contest where singers perform live. You’d think this would spotlight the crème de la crème of Europop, and sometimes it does. Artists like ABBA (“Waterloo”) and Katrina and the Waves (“Love Shine a Light”) have won. Inspired by the upcoming 66th edition of the ESC, taking place in Turan, Italy, Wednesday Night Live at The Bechtler features a local twist on Eurovision in which the museum’s lobby transforms into an after-hours club with live karaoke followed by a dance party.

More: Free; May 11, 5 p.m.; The Bechtler Museum of Modern Art, 420 S. Tryon St.; bechtler.org

CRAYOLA IDEAWORKS

An exhibit that involves science fiction, technology and world building, Crayola Ideaworks takes crayoncentered interactive activity beyond merely drawing stuff on walls — but it taps into that wellspring of unbridled creativity you may remember from your childhood. Upon entering the exhibit, attendees are transported to the Colorverse, where they can be anything from a weather reporter on Mars to an underwater engineer at Sea Base. Guests are assigned Craymojis, characters that represent the creative aspects of their personalities, which then guide them through a personalized family-friendly journey in which they encounter problem-solving activities.

More: $25 and up; opens May 13; Ford Building, Camp North End, 400 Camp Rd.; crayolaideaworks.com

CHARLOTTE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA: ‘THE STORY OF BABAR’

Beloved kid-lit character Babar began as a bedtime story invented by author Jean de Brunhoff’s wife, Cecile. After Babar’s mother is killed by a hunter in a scene that surely traumatized children just as much as the death of Bambi’s mom, Babar goes on to have adventures spanning more than 45 books. The playful pachyderm’s exploits are set to the elegant music of Francis Poulenc, who crafted music praised for its memorable and emotionally expressive melodies. Poulenc flourished in the decades following WWI before participating in the French resistance movement during WWII. More: $10-$33; May 14, 11 a.m.; Knight Theater, 430 S. Tryon St.; blumenthalarts.org

WEEDEATER, HIGH TONE SON OF A BITCH, JD PINKUS

The Butthole Surfers’ version of 70’s chestnut “American Woman” trumps The Guess Who’s original. As dissonant guitars scrape and straggle, vocalist Gibby Hanynes jabbers like a tiny cartoon character bitching beneath layers of booming drums. Those drums come courtesy of JD Pinkus. After a decade with the Texas noise terrorists, Pinkus left the abrasive Buttholes in 1994. His diverse and dizzying career since has included a stint with doom grunge gods the Melvins, an album with protoindustrial guitarist Helios Creed and an Ashevillerecorded “space grass” banjo album entitled Fungus Shui.

More: $25; May 17, 9 p.m.. Snug Harbor, 1228 Gordon St.; snugrock.com

NOT AN ACT

Actress Kadey Ballard moves between stages with nascent musical career

BY PAT MORAN

At first listen, there’s a sense of serenity in Kadey Ballard’s music, but in “The Changeling Well,” off the singer-songwriter’s 2020 album 7 of Cups, still waters run deep. Ballard’s acoustic guitar canters in a seemingly centuries-old rhythm, like a buckboard jostling on a carriage route. Gradually, her feathered vocals gain force like wind shaking the treetops, as haunted harmonies and layered instruments join in. All the while, Ballard’s lyrics cast a spell where human needs and nature’s magic meet.

“I ran the path / The darkling trail /The fairy queen / And quick of nail / Who answers yes in blackest night / A winking roaring fairy rite /A thousand years down in the well/ A thousand years I fell and fell…”

When asked by her growing cadre of fans, Ballard describes her music as moody love spells, psych folk, mountain witch music or dreamy heartache incantations. Like the emotions evoked, the names of what she calls “acoustic music with an electric hum” are legion.

“A lot of the songs feel like lullabies to me,” says Ballard, who’s scheduled to play Petra’s on May 12 alongside Ian & Trav and Zack Joseph.

Now 32 years old, Ballard was bewitched by music at an early age, singing everywhere from church to the grocery story when she was 3 years old. One of four siblings growing up in the Charlotte suburb of Weddington, she took piano lessons for a

few years before ditching the drudgery of keyboard exercises. Guitar lessons lasted a little longer, until Ballard’s instructor wisely released her from lessons after teaching her a few chords, then allowed her to record in his studio.

“[The instructor] quickly recognized that I just wanted to play an instrument so that I could sing,” Ballard says with a chuckle.

At the same time, Ballard developed an interest in performing and theatre. After auditioning for and joining a youth ensemble at Children’s Theatre in 2007, she met Charlotte theatre artist and dramaturge Matt Cosper, who would go on to launch experimental ensemble XOXO. While still in high school, Cosper directed here in a production of The Crucible at Theatre Charlotte and the two struck up a friendship.

Ballard began writing songs as a teenager, and while she played them for friends and family, she mostly kept them private, like a personal journal.

“I never thought about trying to do anything with [my songs],” she says. How Ballard went from inward artistry to a burst of outward-looking creativity that led to an album, an EP and a single all dropping in 2020, not to mention a gathering avalanche of live gigs beginning in January 2021, is a tale as winding as the mountain trails she loves to traverse.

Air, water and earth

There’s an undeniable Appalachian influence on Ballard’s music, illustrated by the December 2015 release Songs From the Water, which consists of the B-side “Lie in Circles” and the single “Jacob Don’t Drown.” Propelled by Ballard’s pensive, coiling acoustic guitar, “Jacob Don’t Drown” is an eerie lament drawn from rural murder ballads handed down through the centuries, except here the killer is the unspoiled and wooded high country, dotted with the streams, pools and waterfalls.

The elemental landscape is the one constant with Ballard’s work. It’s in the air currents suggested by her braided layers of vocals and in the waterways and wells that precipitate magic and tragedy.But mostly it’s in the earth.

In Ballard’s body of work, subconscious ruminations and emotions are entangled with pure invention and imagination. All burst forth like shoots slowly emerging from rich dark soil.

It started with family vacations, Ballard says.

“When I was a kid, all of our vacations were in the woods or up in the mountains,” she says.

It was a walk in her neighborhood, however, that sealed the connection between being in nature and songcraft.

“My boyfriend broke up with me when I was 17,” Ballard says. “We were on a walk, and I ran away from him, and went to the piano. I started playing and making a break-up song right then.”

Early musical inspirations included Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette, Jolie Holland, Joanna Newsom and Jessica Lea Mayfield, all of whom were augmented by Radiohead, which informs Ballard’s current production style, building layers of sound as her songs progress. (When Ballard plays live, those layers accumulate through the judicious use of looping and pedals.)

“I had a lot of moody experiences as a teenager, out on a trail pining for someone who broke my heart — but [the songs are] like the woods talking to me about it,” Ballard says.

Despite the healing, confessional and creative effect of natural settings on Ballard, when it came time to go to college in 2007, she headed to New York. She chose her father’s alma mater, The Kings College, located in the Empire State Building. It was not a good fit.

“It’s a Campus Crusade for Christ school, and I didn’t entirely realize what that meant,” Ballard says. “It was quite religious.”

Ballard had kept in contact with Cosper, and one bright spot was going to see a play that he directed, as he was then living in New York.

KADEY BALLARD

PHOTO BY KADEY BALLARD

MUSIC FEATURE

Casting around for an alternate school, Ballard fell in love with Lees-McRae College in Banner Elk, at the base of Beech Mountain.

“I thought it looked like Harry Potter’s Hogwarts [with its] old stone buildings,” Ballard says. She transferred there in her junior year.

“I went from a school where the motto at the time was ‘God, Money, Power,’ to a school whose motto was ‘In The Mountains, Of the Mountains, For The Mountains,’ which reflects the spiritual journey that I’ve had,” Ballard says. “I feel much more animus [in] my music, like everything is alive [and] enchanted, which is something I feel I’ve learned living up there.”

Ballard began to develop an interest in agriculture. Working at a local farmers market, she met Kaci and Amos Nidiffer, owners of Trosley Farm in Elk Park. Ballard started working on the farm as an intern, and after earning a degree in performing arts, she came back to work as a farmhand in 2011.

Ballard was also exposed to a lot of Appalachian music in Banner Elk and Elk Park. August 2012 brought her first release on Bandcamp. Entitled Lullabies, it consists of rough recordings of two songs, including “Lie in Circles.”

Partly in honor of her heritage — Ballard’s grandfather is Jewish — she took part in a permaculture certification course, traveling to Israel in 2013. Ballard spent six months in Modi in Israel at Hava Ve Adam Ecologit, and through the permaculture program there traveled and volunteered at various farms, ecological organizations, and kibbutzim throughout the country.

“I lived on this ecological learning farm in a geodesic dome,” Ballard says. Growing up in the South, it was welcome exposure to non-Christian diversity, including Jewish people from around the U.S., and a roommate from Australia. Coming back to North Carolina to work on Trosley Farm in 2013, Ballard began to feel constricted. In 2014, she broke off a relationship she had started with a local farmer.

“I was thinking about living on this farm, and I saw my life closing into this narrow thing,” Ballard says.

Knowing in her heart that she would like to return to theatrical performance someday, Ballard felt it wouldn’t ever be possible in the rural mountains.

At the age of 23, she moved into an isolated cabin, cutting herself off from the local farming community. Living by herself in the middle of the woods near Newland, she spent a lot of time alone

on mountain trails. She could hear the coyotes howling at night.

The result of these experiences can be heard on the album Havah, recorded in 2014, but not published on Bandcamp until 2020. Here, Jewish spiritualism is added to Ballard’s mix of influences. The pull of the Appalachians is still strong too, and her stream-of-consciousnesses lyrics are the result of “singing out” her then-recent breakup and cutting off her community.

The woodland solitude, and the personal-yetuniversal mysticism it inspires, continues to inform Ballard’s rootsy but experimental ruminations, yet those impulses are in a tug-of-war with her concurrent quest for community and the eyeopening exposure to art that often coincides with crowded urban environments. The need for community brought Ballard back to Charlotte in 2015, but she didn’t initially find what she was looking for.

Songs from the mountains, stories of the city

Ballard came back to a Charlotte that looked different. She recalls she even had trouble recognizing the streets. She started working as a substitute teacher in Union County. One creative outlet was releasing her Songs From the Water EP, recorded at the Hendersonville home studio of Nathan Billingsly, a friend of her father’s.

Once Ballard had let go of the fantasy that she would somehow find a community of like-minded souls in the mountains, she set about becoming part of one in Charlotte. She reached out to Cosper and subsequently moved to Windsor Park and started working with his boundary-breaking theatrical troupe XOXO.

Ballard counts herself lucky to have performed in 10 XOXO productions. She sang in eight of them, including the psychedelic Zen western recast as pop operetta All the Dogs and Horses, post-apocalyptic collision of fever dream and crime drama #Cake (Year Zero), and ceremonial magic ritual masquerading as free-form theater GUF (Thee Well of Souls)

Work with XOXO brought Ballard in contact with the cross-disciplinary artists creating intersectional art at Goodyear Arts at Camp North End. In that time, Ballard’s and Cosper’s friendship had blossomed into something more, and they married in June 2019.

Busy with XOXO and her day job as a middle school and high school drama teacher at Socrates Academy in Matthews, Ballard let her songwriting fall by the wayside. Meanwhile, impressed with Ballard’s output, Cosper encouraged her to pursue

her music. His voice was joined by singer/songwriter Dylan Gilbert’s (Hectorina), who Ballard considers her musical mentor. Gilbert persuaded Ballard to finally publish Hava

When the COVID-19 pandemic swept through the country and shut down Charlotte in 2020, it launched Ballard into a whirlwind of activity that kicked off with a Queen City Streams solo session alongside Later Rain, a band headed by dance artist Eric Mullis. Ballard released 7 of Cups in July 2020, followed three months later by the EP Ruin, which contains perhaps her finest example of a supernatural Appalachian hymn, “Roan Mountain Ghost.”

Ballard’s recent material retains its apparent serenity. That calm, however, is only on the surface. Far from quiescent, Ballard is waiting and watchful, as currents of undiscovered or yet-to-be-formed memories and emotions roil up from the depths. Some of these revelations and inspirations may stretch back generations, but others seem to be happening in real time as we listen to Ballard’s invocations and incantations.

Her most recent release is the single “Little Sister,” a heartfelt tribute to her childhood friend, Morgan Garrett, who was training to fly with the Coast Guard when she was killed in a plane crash.

Ballard started playing at Goodyear Arts, but her gigs increased when Gina Stewart and Brenda Gambill at EastSide Local Café encouraged her to play at their eatery. Ballard has also received encouragement from Madison Lucas from alt-rock powerhouse Modern Moxie.

“The music community here has been so welcoming,” Ballard says. “It’s like this whole new community in Charlotte that’s opened up for me.”

Nevertheless, Ballard finds the move from theatrical performer to performing musician somewhat terrifying. In theatre, she offers, you’re not yourself. You have layers of character you can hide behind.

“I wonder if I’ve been doing theatre all this time to be able to do what I’m doing now,” she says. “I think I’m getting more comfortable.

“There’s something that I obviously need to express and say in a certain kind of way. I want to be a conduit for that,” continues Ballard, who has harnessed her love of nature to conjure an emotional reaction in audiences, a live energy exchange, that’s as powerful as any mountain witch’s spell.

“With an audience, there is something beautiful going on in the room,” she says.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Local H (Evening Muse)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Mariah the Scientist (The Underground)

JAZZ/BLUES

Troy Conn Quartet (Middle C Jazz)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Probably Will (Snug Harbor)

CHRISTIAN/GOSPEL/RELIGIOUS

Casting Crowns w/ We the Kingdom (Spectrum Center)

THURSDAY, MAY 5

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Young M.A. (The Underground)

Snoh Aalegra (The Fillmore)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Jeff Plankenhorn w/ Scrappy Jud Newcomb (Evening Muse)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

A.M.C (SERJ)

Shiprocked! (Snug Harbor)

Swift & Sour (Taylor Swift & Olivia Rodrigo dance party) (World Nightclub)

OPEN MIC

DOAP Hip-Hop Open Mic (Crown Station)

LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE

Furia Tropikal (Middle C Jazz)

The Wailers w/ Bums Lie (Neighborhood Theatre)

FRIDAY, MAY 6

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Lenny Federal Band (Comet Grill)

Bluestone Motel w/ Caffeine Daydream (Evening Muse)

Mephiskapheles w/ The Scotch Bonnets, Violent Life

Violent Death, Bums Lie (The Milestone)

Weathers (Neighborhood Theatre)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Jon Langston w/ Noah Hicks (Coyote Joe’s)

Tyler Ramsey w/ Chip McGee (Evening Muse)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

KEM & Kenny ‘Babyface’ Edmonds (Bojangles Coliseum)

Lil Skritt & Friends (Snug Harbor)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Hayden James (The Underground)

Pieces: A Collage Art Show feat. Pretty Baby, Celeste Moonchild, La Brava, DJ Robert Taylor Knox III (Petra’s)

JAZZ/BLUES

Marion Meadows (Middle C Jazz)

SATURDAY, MAY 7

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Killakoi w/ The Coursing, Seven Year Witch (Amos’ Southend)

LP (The Fillmore)

Bob Fleming & the Cambria Iron Co. w/ Bog Loaf, Jacob Danielsen-Moore & the Boys, True Lilith (The Milestone)

Built to Spill w/ Prism Bitch, Itchy Kitty (Neighborhood Theatre)

Bombadil w/ Blue Cactus (Petra’s)

Blue Dog Junction (Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar)

Yardwork w/ Temp Job, Naked Gods (Snug Harbor)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Nardo Wick (The Underground)

JAZZ/BLUES

Marion Meadows (Middle C Jazz)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Dirty Snatcha (SERJ)

ACOUSTIC/SINGER-SONGWRITER

Jay & Flav (Primal Brewery)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Long Strange Deal (Jerry Garcia tribute) (Visulite Theatre)

SUNDAY, MAY 8

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Patty Pershayla & the Mishaps w/ Carolina Vibes, Cap Nunn (The Milestone)

All That Remains w/ Miss Mayi, Varials, Tallah (Neighborhood Theatre)

AJR (PNC Music Pavilion)

Michael Tracy (Primal Brewery)

October w/ Craigzlist Punks, Harriet RIP, Messy Stains (Skylark Social Club)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Mount Westmore feat. Too Short, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, E-40 (Spectrum Center)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Hunter’s Travesty (Comet Grill)

JAZZ/BLUES

Marion Meadows (Middle C Jazz)

LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE

Ricardo Arjona (Bojangles Coliseum)

MONDAY, MAY 9

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Brojob w/ Falsifier, Fractures Frames, Regions, Solomon Grundy (The Milestone)

Soul Glo w/ Lofidels (Snug Harbor)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Cellus Hamilton w/ Ashleigh Faith, Tecoby Hines (Neighborhood Theatre)

JAZZ/BLUES

The Conn/Davis Jazz Duo (Crown Station)

The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s)

TUESDAY, MAY 10

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Jackson Fig w/ Ol’ Sport, Troubleshoot, Kevin Goodwin (The Milestone)

Amorphis w/ UADA, Sylvaine, Hoaxed (Neighborhood Theatre)

Black Tusk w/ Howling Giant (Snug Harbor)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Baby Shark 2022 Live Splash Tour (Ovens Auditorium)

Cosmic Jam (Crown Station)

Eptic (SERJ)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Antje Duvekot (Evening Muse)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

The Carousel Tour feat. Anthony Green, Laura Jane Grace, Tim Kasher (The Underground) Cloakroom w/ Late Bloomer (Neighborhood Theatre)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Golden Shoals w/ Twisted Pine (Evening Muse)

THURSDAY, MAY 12

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Home for the Day w/ Strike the Tower, Fifty Flies (The Milestone)

Tyger w/ Mega Colossus, Preppen Barium (Snug Harbor)

JAZZ/BLUES

Robyn Springer (Middle C Jazz)

ACOUSTIC/SINGER-SONGWRITER

Ian & Trav w/ Zack Joseph, Kadey Ballard (Petra’s)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Tim McGraw (PNC Music Pavilion)

Caitlyn Smith w/ Carter Faith (Visulite Theatre)

OPEN MIC

DOAP Hip-Hop Open Mic (Crown Station)

CHRISTIAN/GOSPEL/RELIGIOUS

Sarah Reeves w/ Clark Beckham (Evening Muse)

FRIDAY, MAY 13

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Stryper w/ Preppen Barium (Amos’ Southend)

The Thing With Feathers w/ Sam Johnston (Evening Muse)

Get the Led Out (Led Zeppelin tribute) (Neighborhood Theatre)

Jim Garrett Trio (Primal Brewery)

U.S. Christmas w/ Cosmic Reaper, King Cackle (Snug Harbor)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Ryan Montgomery (Coyote Joe’s)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Nathan Colberg (Evening Muse)

LEON BRIDGES WILL PERFORM AT CMCU AMPHITHEATRE ON MAY 16.

PHOTO BY CAL QUINN

Get Sad Y’all presents Emo & Pop Punk Night (The Milestone)

Jantsen (SERJ)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony presents Broadway’s Longest (Knight Theater)

JAZZ/BLUES

Carol Riddick (Middle C Jazz)

SATURDAY, MAY 14

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Sidewinder (’80s tribute) w/ Halden Vang, Michelle Boyette (Amos’ Southend)

Duckbeak w/ Softspoken, Bleedseason, Avanti, Counter/Action (The Milestone)

Sevendust w/ All Good Things, Plush, Deepfall (Neighborhood Theatre)

The Menders w/ The Gone Ghosts, Troubleshoot (Petra’s)

Spirit System w/ Child of the Night, Secret Shame (Snug Harbor)

Rockin’ for the Kids feat. Underground Detour (Visulite Theatre)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Mavi w/ Nia J (Evening Muse)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Alexa Rose w/ Maya de Vitry (Evening Muse)

The Dead South (The Fillmore)

SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACOUSTIC

Jay Hoff (Primal Brewery)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC

Dean Lewis (The Underground)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony Orchestra presents ‘The Story of Babar’ (Knight Theater)

Charlotte Symphony presents Broadway’s Longest (Knight Theater)

JAZZ/BLUES

Eric Essix (Middle C Jazz)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Phat Waffle (Smokey Joe’s Cafe & Bar)

SUNDAY, MAY 15

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Foxy Shazam w/ Jigsaw Youth (Amos’ Southend)

Smokin’ Js (Comet Grill)

Blurry w/ Physical.Digital, Leaving for Arizona, NeptuneFlyer (The Milestone)

Sevendust w/ All Good Things, Plush, Deepfall (Neighborhood Theatre)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

NLE Choppa (The Underground)

JAZZ/BLUES

Bryan Anderson & Friends (Middle C Jazz)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC

Hazy Sunday (Petra’s)

MONDAY, MAY 16

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Idle Threat w/ Make Sure, The Second After (The Milestone)

OPEN MIC

Find Your Muse Open Mic w/ Ash & Eric (Evening Muse)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B/BLUES

Leon Bridges (CMCU Amphitheatre)

JAZZ/BLUES

The Conn/Davis Jazz Duo (Crown Station)

The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s)

CLASSICAL/ INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony Orchestra: Off the Rails (Snug Harbor)

TUESDAY, MAY 17

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Covet w/ Hikes & Gates (Amos’ Southend)

Deadharrie w/ Hubble, Fake Eyes (The Milestone)

Weedeater w/ High Tone Son of a Bitch, JD Pinkus (Snug Harbor)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Cosmic Jam (Crown Station)

VISIT QCNERVE.COM FOR THE FULL SOUNDWAVE LISTING.

PARA APPARENT

Chef Alex Verica builds his own name with new South End spot

BY TIMOTHY DEPEUGH

Chef Alex Verica’s new restaurant PARA, which emerged fully formed and ravishing from the ashes of the former Zeppelin space along Tremont Avenue in South End, is that singular thing we foodies in Charlotte have been so patiently waiting for: something, to put it quite simply, to shout about.

Not that we didn’t have anything to celebrate before.

Charlotte’s burgeoning status as a bonafide food destination is owed in no small part to an entire legacy of restaurants that brought the scene to where it is today, many of which still enjoy acclaim. Chef Verica himself is part of this legacy, and quite literally so. His father is Paul Verica, best known to most Charlotteans as James Beard-favorite and creator of The Stanley, but best known to this Charlottean as the man who once made an ill-fated attempt at bringing Italian food to the hipster masses.

Without The Stanley, one could argue, and without more recent spots such as Leah & Louise and Bardo, there wouldn’t even be a Charlotte food scene in the first place.

But the difference is, where those restaurants created names for themselves that were unique to Charlotte but also heavily influenced by food and chefs and traditions that came from other times and other places, PARA is the first to arrive since COVID started to a local culinary stage fully set, that isn’t a square-shaped pizza chain or a rehash of some chef’s year abroad repurposed and repackaged for ease of consumption by influencers.

Rather than being referential, PARA achieves its greatness by being thoroughly original. Verica’s sights are directly and unwaveringly pointed ahead.

Chef, if you’re reading this, that’s just my roundabout way of saying, you have arrived, sir. Now let’s eat.

Any meal at PARA should begin with a lobster shooter. Like the menu itself, the lobster shooter is

small and concise, nothing more than bisque and a chunk of lobster meat. However, lest you trick yourself into thinking that “nothing more than” is an expression of disappointment, take a sip and then lose count as the number of sensations you feel on your palate approaches infinity.

It’s a singularity in a shot glass, with so many rich, warm layers of brown butter and spice concentrating at the center of such a tiny vessel that space-time at your table warps ever so slightly. The lobster meat on top — generously portioned, delicate, sweet — quivering in the aftermath of this cosmic food event is also, perhaps more aptly, the cherry on top.

Much of the rest of the menu follows in the same vein: a limited, seasonal series of dishes that are thoughtfully, imaginatively, and concisely constructed. Much of the rest of the menu, too, is inspired by the flavors of Asian cuisines and izakayastyle dining familiar to Japan.

Yes, I know. I groaned, too. “Just what Charlotte needed, another white guy chef cooking Asian food,” I thought.

I even took it one step further in my mind and assumed the name “Para,” which in reality is a nod to the Spanish words for “unstoppable” and “for,” was actually a play on para-para, the 1990’s dance craze that was Japan’s answer to the macarena. It seemed there was no limit to how geeky and deferential a smitten Japanophile from the West could be.

Nor any limit, as it were, to how cynical one could be. To be fair, this was all before I had actually walked in and tried the food. I may have even rolled my eyes at the words “lobster shooter.” But, oh, what a thing Chef Verica has done, creating Asian tapas that, without the appropriation you might expect, feel entirely like their own, new things, but which also wouldn’t be out of place on an izakaya menu in Japan.

For example, the milk bread. Verica takes that

soft, sweet, pillow-y bread that has left an entire nation enthralled for generations, understands on a molecular level what makes it so good, then finds the perfect way to both complement and enhance it.

His answer has something to do with more lobster, but in this version, a creamy lobster salad whose sweetness slow-dances at the prom with that of the milk bread. It’s then piled high on a slab of toast, decorated with green fronds, colorful pickled things, and a scoop of caviar, creating a dish whose aesthetics alone would be at home in a solemn Japanese dining temple, if each bite were not also so precisely balanced.

On the other side of the menu, a much different aesthetic, more in common with agitprop and stadium rock: crab Rangoon. It’s Chef Verica’s only real mistake, but only because of the awful thing he chose to call it. Why not call it what it is: a sugary fried doughnut chock full of chunky, lush, and meaty crab?

My goodness, they’re glorious. And aggressively decadent. And also everything right about what he’s trying to do at PARA. Wouldn’t “crazy crab doughnut” be a better name for what we’ll look back on as the most provocative dish of 2022 in Charlotte, and certainly for one that will follow Chef Verica around for the rest of his career?

PHOTO BY PETER TAYLOR ALEX VERICA

FOOD & DRINK FEATURE

If you think I’m being extra in my praise, then you’ve not yet been to PARA on a Friday night. When have you seen a restaurant barely four months old become the buzzy place to be so quickly? That the interior is stunning is one thing, designed from floor to ceiling in palates and materials cleverly chosen to trick the mind into thinking that you’re eating inside an ancient temple. That is, of course, right up until the moment the sun goes down, because that’s when wood and metal start to glow gold, and suddenly you find yourself in a hip, happening restaurant, where solemn temple chants have instantly become cacophony.

This transformation is an arresting sight to behold, yes, but then so are groups of beautiful people and their beautiful friends all accessorized beautifully and gathered there for lobster shooters. In fact, I don’t think I’ve yet been to PARA on a night where more than 90% of the restaurant is filled with the most beautiful people in town. You think I’m extra? Then go on a Friday night and realize there’s nothing more extra than the sight of pretty people praising each other for the decision to come and eat such delicious, pretty food.

Leave the complaining to the food critic, frumpy as he is — and after so many of those crazy crab doughnuts, double-chinned to boot. But mind you, these are not so much complaints as they are nits to be picked, or disconnects to be pondered.

Like, how can the same kitchen that takes watermelon and through witchcraft transforms

it into something that looks, feels, and tastes impossibly of thin slices of tuna sashimi, topped the night I had it with pickled radishes, jalapeño, and flowers — in other words, an actual carnival of flavors — also be the kitchen that figures the best thing to be done with objectively perfect short rib meat is to turn it into dumplings that have been irredeemably bland on multiple visits? This is the same kitchen, too, that turns humble cabbage into decadent sin replete with gruyere and black truffles, so they do actually know about umami.

Or how can a kitchen remember to put words on the menu but not on the plate? It happened once seated at the bar with a bowl of gnudi during an early iteration of a new permanent spring menu item: yuzu was entirely left out of the yuzu beurre blanc. The pasta, which I had opted to cover in shaved black truffles (another instance of my being extra), was lovely, sure, but the rich beurre blanc was screaming for that cheeky Japanese citrus. The bartender, aware of the issue and sympathetic to my plight, tossed me a couple lime wedges, which worked out well in a pinch.

And it’s happened multiple times with dessert. The description of the fernet-branca kakigori, the very best of the three versions of shaved ice on the menu, promises pandan, a green Southeast Asian leaf that tastes of sweet tea, milk, and freshly mown grass.

It took several years of living in Singapore for me to come to terms with that flavor profile, but once I did, I couldn’t get enough. Imagine my disappointment, then, that the flavor I worked so hard to love was missing from an otherwise magical

kakigori, one which could easily be rebranded a la crab Rangoon as an adult tiramisu.

Imagine, too, my disappointment when the same exact thing happened the next time I went. All in good fun, it became a running gag between me and the restaurant manager, who on my most recent visit, ensured that buckets of pandan extract would be ready and waiting.

The point being, a kitchen that makes these odd missteps is a kitchen that’s distracted, and I worry for Chef Verica that it’s his restaurant’s Achilles’ heel.

It makes me wonder whether the kitchen was prepared for the overwhelmingly positive response to the food and all of the beautiful people who would rush in at the same time to try it. That’s not a bad position to be in at first, of course, but on every single one of my visits, there has come a time around 90 minutes into service when dishes have just stopped coming out of the kitchen, a service logjam that four months in is still a menace. It would be endearing if it weren’t also affecting the food.

On a recent visit, ravioli were marred by tough outer edges, a sign in my mind that they had been cooked too early and left to dry out before being sauced, perhaps as a survival strategy for the cook who prepared them, knowing they were about to be slammed by crowds, but surely not the best one available.

Instantaneous popularity takes some getting used to, it seems, and despite these growing pains, PARA’s popularity is well deserved. In fact, I remember after my first visit, summing up in a oneword text message what I saw in PARA.

I didn’t back down from that word on subsequent visits.

On my last visit, bar manager Yoshi Meija’s cocktails, particularly one called Sakura which is the best cocktail you’ll find anywhere in Charlotte at the moment, compelled me to shout that word at the ceiling.

(My friend’s response to that, apropos of nothing but nevertheless worth mentioning, was to excuse herself to the restroom after three of those drinks and come back to the table singing that word in vibrato because of the exquisitely high-quality tampons she found stocked in the ladies’ room – a detail about restaurant planning I never knew I had to know.)

That word, chosen back in February precisely because it captured in a few simple syllables everything I saw in and in store for PARA, I sent in a one-word text message to a friend, which read very simply as: blockbuster.

PHOTO BY PETER TAYLOR PARA’S LOBSTER TOAST.

Happy

BY LINDA THISTLE

BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ

1. SCIENCE: What is an organism that depends entirely upon another organism for its existence?

2. HISTORY: When did the Suez Canal open?

3. GEOGRAPHY: What nation’s second largest island is called Mindanao?

4. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Where was sherry invented?

5. MUSIC: Who was known as “the king of swing”?

6. DISCOVERIES: In what century was the ancient city of Troy rediscovered by archaeologists?

7. GOVERNMENT: Who was the longest-serving U.S. House Speaker?

8. MOVIES: Who directed the movie “It Happened One Night”?

9. ARCHITECTURE: How many churches did Christopher Wren design for London after the Great Fire of 1666?

10. TELEVISION: On “The Flintstones,” what is Bam-Bam’s last name?

PLACE A NUMBER IN THE EMPTY BOXES IN SUCH A WAY THAT EACH ROW ACROSS, EACH COLUMN DOWN AND EACH SMALL 9-BOX SQUARE CONTAINS ALL OF THE NUMBERS ONE TO NINE.

AERIN IT OUT CHECK YOURSELF

A ‘Mean Girls’ miscommunication between women

BY AERIN SPRUILL

As a black, “fam,” quasi-gender-bending Women’s Studies major, I’ve always prided myself on having a perspective that is difficult to challenge. And to be honest, I’ve felt quite privileged about this self-proclaimed multiconscious, woke, heightened, even “elevated” POV. But every now and again someone checks me, lifting the veil to expose the selfish naivete of an only child who’s yet to learn anything productive in the world at all. That’s not a great feeling when you just turned 32, as I did.

I was sitting at the bar catching up with a friend about the happenings of the night before while fawning over a beautiful patron who had blessed me with a solo performance of “Happy Birthday” as I paid my tab. “Oh really?! Was she attractive?” Embarrassingly, I admit that being “one of the guys” I’ve grown quite comfortable with this line of questioning and

conversation. Without hesitation, I responded with, “She’s pretty, but she’s not your type. She’s bigger, meaning taller than you.”

Height sensitivities, what do you do?

Next thing you know, I’m doing the thing I didn’t want to do in the first place — showing him her picture on Instagram. Sighs. I know, already cringe, but it gets worse.

“You’re right,” my friend said as he swung his leg off his barstool, signaling his exit and satisfaction that his interest in said siren had been quelled. As soon as the door closed behind him, I heard a combo of a sigh and scoff of disgust seemingly meant for me to my left. I turned to meet a glare that could actually shoot daggers staring a hole through me.

Unbeknownst to me, the eavesdropper had heard our entire exchange and needless to say, she was not impressed.

“What do you consider pretty? Since you’re clearly the expert,” she interrogated through pursed lips. I sighed. There were two paths I could outline for escape as I swallowed another sip of my seltzer.

One, I could kindly tell her to mind her business, that it was an A-B conversation, and she could C her way out, along with a series of extremely colorful expletives.

Or I could acknowledge her perspective and have a come-to-Jesus moment in spite of her presentation and both of our levels of inebriation.

Being that I’d just celebrated another year around the sun, I took the “mature” route, and through my own, tightly pursed lips replied, “I think you misconstrued what I was saying. I never said she wasn’t pretty. But I can understand your point, women shouldn’t be categorizing other women and certainly not to the benefit of a man. I only wish you’d expressed as much fervor over…”

“Because that’s very toxic behavior,” she interrupted while rolling her eyes, leaning her head back to get her hair off her shoulders in order to take another swig of her drink unaware that she was dribbling on her shirt.

I returned her hundred-yard stare, boring a hole through her while she sipped. I was quite pissed at this point because, one, she’d interrupted, and two, she didn’t want to budge on this conversation — not even a little bit.

To add to that, I’d just been accused of ripping a page from supervillain Regina George’s Burn Book. I’m no mean girl, and now the one person I’m trying to “convince” of that fact has made up her mind, checked

out, and didn’t even want to give me a chance to finish. Blood boils, it does.

Resigned, I found solace in the fact that if I had finished, I would have exposed her hypocrisy because the fervor I was hoping for her to have was nowhere to be found when a man shouted over everyone to catcall myself and the bartender belligerently and frequently. Butthurt, but refusing to argue, I simply moved to the other end of the bar to continue chewing on the conversation.

At the end of every night out, I do my best to reflect on the highs and lows. What did we learn from this misstep?

Minding one’s business remains a pinnacle of practice. But see something, say something still holds uncomfortable space as we cannot control others. And most importantly, everything that we say, drunk or not — maybe even, especially while drunk — has the potential to offend others (even if they don’t always remember it).

I may not have liked her interpretation of a private convo in a public setting, but she wasn’t completely wrong.

However, it served as a personal reminder that I’m still a work in progress, even while living in and identifying with the “margins” can still be challenged, and no, I don’t have it all figured out. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up being besties.

INFO@QCNERVE.COM

EVERYONE DESERVES A SLICE OF HAPPINESS EVERYONE DESERVES A SLICE OF HAPPINESS

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) The often-skeptical Aries might find that an answer to a question is hard to believe. But check it out before you chuck it out. You might well be surprised at what you could learn.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Your resolute determination to stick by a position might make some people uncomfortable. But if you’re proved right (as I expect you to be), a lot of changes will tilt in your favor.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You might feel conflicted between what you want to do and what you should do. Best advice: Honor your obligations first. Then go ahead and enjoy your well-earned rewards.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) That financial matter still needs to be sorted out before you can consider any major monetary moves. Pressures ease midweek, with news about a potential career change.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) A workplace problem threatens to derail your well-planned project. But your quick mind should lead you to a solution and get you back on track without too much delay.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) An opportunity opens up but could quickly close down if you allow pessimism to override enthusiasm. A trusted friend can offer the encouragement you need.

BORN THIS WEEK: You have a fine business sense and a love of the arts. You enjoy living life to its fullest.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) You’ve come through a difficult period of helping others deal with their problems. Now you can concentrate on putting your energy to work on your own projects.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Forget about who’s to blame and, instead, make the first move toward patching up a misunderstanding before it creates a rift that you’ll never be able to cross.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)

Good news for the travel-loving Sagittarian who enjoys galloping off to new places: That trip you had to put off will soon be back on your schedule.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) A mood change could make the gregarious Goat seek the company of just a few friends. But you charge back into the crowd for weekend fun and games.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A decision you made in good faith could come under fire. Best advice: Open your mind to other possibilities by listening to your challenger’s point of view.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You can avoid being swamped by all those tasks dangling from your line this week by tackling them one by one, according to priority. The weekend brings good news.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You Ewes and Rams will find your ideas cheered by a mostly receptive flock. Those few dissenters could well be turned around by your charm and powers of persuasion.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) It’s time for the bold and beautiful Bovine to shake off the dust of the past and shape up with new ideas for the future. This could surprise some folks, but they’ll soon adjust.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Those nagging new doubts about an upcoming decision should alert you to step back (at least temporarily) so you can reassess its potential impact from a new perspective.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) That unpleasant situation you hoped would go away by itself needs immediate attention before it affects an upcoming decision. Expect your supporters to rally around your cause.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) You’re moving up and away from that recent setback. But remain cautious about finances. An exercise in thrift today helps cushion a possible end-of-the-month money squeeze.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You’re still dealing with overtones of pessimism that cause you to doubt your ability to make some needed changes. But the negative pressures will ease up by week’s end.

BORN THIS WEEK: You can find beauty where many cannot. And you enjoy sharing your discovery with others.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) There could be some fallout from the way you handled a recent family problem. But those who know that you were in the right won’t hesitate to step in on your behalf.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Financial strains ease by week’s end. Meanwhile, focus on cultivating that new relationship if you hope to have it blossom into something more meaningful.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)

Health matters once again dominate the week. Be careful not to ignore recurrences of an old problem. An almost-forgotten commitment resurfaces.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) The emergence of an unusual selfish streak could dismay those close to you. Defy it -- don’t justify it -- so you can become your gracious self again.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Reassess your decision to stay with the status quo. It might seem like the sensible thing to do right now, but changes around you could make that choice a risky one.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Move decisively but cautiously when dealing with a delicate personal matter. The fewer mistakes you make now, the less likely it is that the problem will recur later on.

1. Parasite

2. 1869

3. Philippines

4. Spain

5. Benny Goodman

6. 19th

7. Sam Rayburn (17 years)

8. Frank Capra 9. 52

10. Rubble

PG.19 PUZZLE ANSWERS

SAVAGE LOVE OPEN AND SHUT

Marriage problems

BY DAN SAVAGE

Straight guy here in a one-sided open relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship just for her and to females only so she could explore her bisexual side. I’m super proud of her for coming out and wanted her to feel fulfilled. When we agreed to this, I was naive and figured anything she experienced would be purely sexual and nothing more. She recently caught feelings and now has a girlfriend. She stays at her girlfriend’s place one to two nights a week.

I get jealous and sick to my stomach when she is over there. She has that “new relationship energy” going and talks about her girlfriend all the time. Aside from the jealousy, I feel like I am not a priority. I’m hoping my feelings get better with time. Besides this, our marriage is great. I love my wife very much and want to support her in this. Are one-sided open relationships something that can work? Are my feelings unjustified and what can I do to better deal with them? The logic used when we talked about a one-sided open relationship was that I can’t satisfy the female side she desires. But since I’m hetero, I don’t have an “unfulfilled” side.

HOME ALONE

Your wife isn’t the first person to come out as bisexual after making a monogamous commitment to an oppositesex partner and then ask for permission to sleep with other people — without wanting to extend the same permission to their straight spouse. Since she’s bi and can’t get pussy at home, the reasoning goes, she should be allowed to get pussy elsewhere. Since you’re straight and can get pussy at home (when that pussy is at home), you’re not entitled to the same allowance.

But as your wife is demonstrating, HA, it’s not just pussy she’s getting elsewhere. While she’s getting one very specific need met outside your relationship — admittedly a need you can’t meet — she’s getting a lot more than that. In addition to pussy, she’s getting variety, adventure, unique experiences, new relationship energy, and two overnights a week. Why shouldn’t you have some of that too? Not to even the score, but to feel like you’re an equal partner in this marriage and, as such, entitled to equal terms, equal treatment, and equal benefits.

And it doesn’t sound like you two were on the same page when it came to what opening your relationship entailed. You seem to have assumed — or figured — that your wife would be seeking sex elsewhere, sex and only sex, but your wife “caught feelings” and now she has a girlfriend. Agreeing to a one-sided open relationship is not the same thing as agreeing to one-sided polyamory. If you didn’t agree to that, HA, your wife had no right to expect that from you or impose that on you.

That said, one-sided open relationships can be great, HA, but they work best when the person who isn’t seeking sex outside the relationship either isn’t interested in having sex with other people or is turned on by the erotic power imbalance of being forbidden something their spouse is allowed. So basically, this could work if you were a cuckold, which you’re not.

I’m a straight man who has been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years. I’m the only person she has ever been with. Over the years she has evolved into a wonderful giving partner open to things that turn me on. I take pride in being able to give her multiple orgasms although she only wants to do this about once per month. She has been happy to give me pleasure multiple times per month even, but she talks of it like it’s a chore (“wifely duties”) and is always asking me why I want it so much. I tell her it is more normal for men to want it more, and I wish she would want it more as well! I have used porn to get off since my teens. She accepts this because it means fewer chores for her, but she doesn’t like it. Recently I started using my phone to take videos of her performing oral on me as I enjoy watching this and it cuts down on the porn. She checked my phone and was upset at what she saw. I told her I was sorry, but she says I should’ve asked for permission. I told her I would have asked for permission, but I knew the answer would be no! She said of course it would be no and she called it sick and gross! I tried to

explain again that it is quite normal behavior for most men to want to watch and it is for my eyes only! As I said, she has evolved, as early in the marriage she would have never done some of things she has learned to do while pleasuring me! Long story short, any words of advice on this sexy-for-me, not-somuch-for-her activity.

SINCERELY APPRECIATE YOUR ADVICE, SWEET SAVAGE

It’s not okay to take photos or videos of someone performing a sex act without their consent, SAYASS, even if that someone happens to be your wife. Even if that someone happens to have a lower libido than you do, even if that someone would rather you not look at porn, even if that someone enjoys most of the things you want them to do — not only isn’t it okay, SAYASS, it’s a crime. It’s not normal behavior, it’s asshole behavior — and, again, in most places it’s literally criminal behavior. So your wife has every right to be upset. You violated her and did so knowingly; you say you didn’t ask for permission to make those videos because you knew she would say no. Dude. If your wife had been writing me, SAYASS, I would advise her to get a lawyer and divorce you.

We hear so much about the all-important commitment to monogamy in marriage. What about the less emphasized but clearly important commitment to a healthy sex life? I’m a straight man. I’ve been married for about 20 years. I’ve never cheated on my wife, although I’ve come close in recent years. My wife and I had a healthy sex life for the first 10 years. For the last 10 years, we haven’t had sex at all. We are both in our late 40s, athletic and attractive, and neither of us has any overwhelming physical or mental problems. My wife is just so engrossed in her work and personal identity that she has stopped caring about sex. It’s all well and good to say, “You need to talk about this with her,” but I know from years of experience that would be futile. She refuses to discuss it. And she has made it clear that if I were to do anything outside the marriage, it would amount to an unforgiveable betrayal. I vacillate between acceptance, frustration, bitterness, and deep anger.

Yes, I signed on for monogamy. But what did she sign on for? Can a woman or man in a monogamous marriage unilaterally cut off sex for no reason and still expect or demand monogamy, as my wife does? What do I owe her? And what does she owe me? Despite this issue, we are good partners, good friends, and good parents to our two teenage children. Protecting them from the trauma of divorce, and not hurting my wife — these are the reasons I stay in the marriage. But it doesn’t feel right or fair that I have to be monogamous, that I will never experience physical intimacy again, not so much as a kiss or a touch, for the rest of my life, because my wife decided she is finished with that part of her life. What do other people think?

SADDENED OVER LOVE’S OMISSIONS

People in the comment threads at savage.love have been taking me to task recently for being too quick to give my blessing to cheating ... so, instead of answering this one myself, I’m going to open it to the commenters: What do you guys think SOLO should do? Personally, I don’t think a person can insist on monogamy while refusing to meet their partner’s reasonable sexual needs. (Well, a person can insist on it, but they shouldn’t expect it.) Please don’t tell SOLO to talk with his wife. He’s tried talking about it — he’s tried again and again for 10 years — and his wife refuses to discuss it. So, gang, what should he do? Should he do the “right thing” and get a divorce? Or should he do what he needs to do to stay married and stay sane? I’ll see you in the comments thread.

; follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage; submit questions to questions@ savagelove.net; columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at savage.love.

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