Queen City Nerve - November 16, 2022

Catawba Artist Alex Osborn Pays Homage to Sally New River

By Ryan Pitkin

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TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FREEDOM

Touring group of anti-abortion protesters allegedly harass, assault students at UNC Charlotte

BY DEZANII LEWIS

On Oct. 26, an anti-abortion group called Genocide Awareness Group (GAP) appeared on campus at UNC Charlotte, comparing abortion to genocide while displaying graphic images of unborn fetuses. While this is not the first time such a group has appeared on campus at the university, some of this group’s reported behaviors raised a discussion about what happens when anti-abortion advocates stretch the limits of freedom of speech and use actions that could be considered harassment or even assault.

GAP, which had a permit from UNC Charlotte to be on campus, remained on campus for three days. While they were there, some students alleged that members of the group used racial slurs against them, spat on them and violated the terms of their permit in other ways, sometimes prohibiting students from getting to their classes.

Queen City Nerve spoke with faculty members and students about the incident and what they think should be done to ensure GAP doesn’t return to campus and act in the same manner.

Groups like GAP have stepped up their activity since the overturning of Roe v. Wade in June, pushing for more abortion bans on countrywide tours. In addition to the static display at UNC Charlotte, members of GAP also arrived in a box truck with more graphic images on the sides that they drove around campus.

On their first day on campus, members of GAP set up in a grassy area behind a metal barricade near the Student Union. As the week went on, they moved to other parts of the campus, eventually ending up near the parking garages and disability access ramps, sometimes blocking the use of the ramps by students.

“My student was late getting to class because they were unable to get to where they needed to be,” said one faculty member at the university who

spoke with Queen City Nerve under the promise of anonymity as they were wary of any potential backlash.

In addition to blocking access in various places on campus, the group also used whistles, which could be considered a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).

Selene Mautte, a hearing-impaired UNCC Charlotte transfer student, was present at the group’s demonstration. They told the group that the whistles violated the ADA, which GAP members denied.

“I was disgusted,” Mautte said.

The faculty member pointed out that, in addition to the display and the truck, GAP also distributed pamphlets that were just as graphic as the displays.

“If you haven’t seen them, don’t look at them,” the faculty member said.

According to some student accounts, GAP members regularly became aggressive with students who declined to take their pamphlets, sometimes even following the students and verbally insulting them.

John Cox, associate professor of global studies and director of the Center for Holocaust, Genocide & Human Rights Studies, said the group had visited the University of Florida, where he used to teach prior to UNC Charlotte.

“I was aware that [GAP] had become more aggressive in recent years and, in fact, it was very easy to learn that because whoever gave them a permit or allowed them to come to campus apparently had never heard of a website called Google.com,” he said. “And, really, there was no mystery about what this group is about, about what they do. I think it’s important for people to know, too, that they also trampled on the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, and that shouldn’t be allowed.”

The Rehabilitation Act created and extended civil rights to people with disabilities.

An ‘educational’ front

The so-called Genocide Awareness Project is a project organized by a national anti-abortion organization called The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform. According to GAP’s website, the group focuses on “educational outreach, providing students with information they are not likely to receive from pro-abortion faculty (or news media or entertainment sources).”

The group used pictures of unborn fetuses, which they said were ten weeks along, when in fact the images appear to be further along. The inaccurate images helped spread misinformation, which is in direct contradiction to what the group claims to want to do.

In all of their discussions, GAP didn’t appear to mention the cases in which abortions are the result of rape or sexual assault, nor did they condemn rape, though they did depict images disparaging gender-affirming surgeries.

“They’re not changing anyone’s mind and I don’t think that that was their purpose,” the unnamed faculty member said.

Students and faculty on campus had no warning that the group would be there. In the days preceding the display, a daily email blast called the “Niner Insider” was distributed to the UNC Charlotte student population, which included a link to the school’s website explaining free speech.

GENOCIDE AWARENESS GROUP DISPLAYED GRAPHIC IMAGES OF UNBORN FETUSES ON THE UNC CHARLOTTE CAMPUS IN OCTOBER.

PHOTO BY JADE SUSZEK/NINER TIMES

NEWS & OPINION FEATURE

Many students thought the inclusion was odd, but didn’t think much of it. This was the closest the school came to warning the student body of the display.

“I didn’t know until it was too late,” said Mautte.

Many students found out about the display when they encountered it. After news of the graphic images spread, the school placed signs near the display that read: “NOTICE: Images ahead depict graphic content.”

But the display was quite large, visible from other parts of the campus, which rendered the haphazard signs useless.

“We had several elementary schools touring our campus during that [incident],” said the unnamed faculty member. They weren’t sure if the children had seen the display or if they were able to avoid it.

False equivalencies with genocide

GAP members consistently equated abortion to genocidal acts such as the Holocaust, the lynchings of Black people and the Rwandan genocide.

“When we discredit genocide and we discredit the Holocaust, we’re going to repeat it,” said the unnamed faculty member, “and it scares me when we have delegitimized it to the point that we’re comparing it to abortion.”

Cox echoed his collegue’s feelings.

“I think it’s obscene and grotesque, and I think that they really trample on the memory of victims of real genocides by misusing and exploiting the pain of many millions of others,” he said. “University is a place for debate and dialogue, but it also is a place that should have some standards, and it should not put out the idea that all ideas are equal.”

Both faculty members noted that historical images can be hard to view, but they have a time and place, usually in an educational context or setting. When those images are used, they should used to educate, not to evoke an emotional response, they agreed.

“I’m a scholar of history and Holocaust genocide, but I’m ethnically Jewish as well,” said Phoenix Riesing, a UNC Charlotte student and abortion doula who was present for the display. “There’s very misleading images. It’s so far past horrifying because from a woman’s perspective, abortion and abortion access is life-changing. It’s life-saving.”

Several students counter-protested the display. The counter-protest measures included students using a large message board to record feelings about the display, playing “WAP” by Cardi B at loud volumes to drown out the GAP members, and bringing their own protest signs.

The students also tried to block the graphic images but were reportedly threatened with legal action by the school. Instead, they ensured students had access to disability ramps by clearing GAP members from standing on the ramps as they had done upon arrival on the campus. They also tried to prevent GAP members from accosting students who didn’t want to communicate with the group.

The group reportedly became more aggressive in response to the counter-protests. Allegations that the group used racial slurs spread quickly, as did reports of assault. GAP members allegedly spat on students. Riesing said she witnessed the use of slurs and saw GAP spit on a female student.

Both Cox and the unnamed faculty member reported that they had multiple students who reported witnessing the use of slurs.

“At what point do [university leadership] cap free speech?” the faculty member asked.

“I hope that we would not welcome the Ku Klux Klan to our campus to set up a huge display or the Nazi Party of the US. We all know that free speech is not absolute,” Cox echoed.

The university responds

As of publication, the university has not acted on any of the claims made by students. The lack of official response rang hollow for many.

“They’re moral cowards and bigots themselves,” Mautte said. “What the school needs to learn is you need to take accountability for your own actions.”

“[GAP] did this for two days with impunity,” said Cox, adding that a lot of students used the same word to describe how they felt about the university’s lack of a response: betrayed.

The unnamed faculty member stated that students were still trying to process what happened and could not focus on their class.

“Our goal as a university is to educate students. We charge our students an exorbitant amount of tuition for their access to campus resources,” they said. “And then we have a group that blocks people’s access to campus, it blocks their access to class, and it stops some students from attending their classes. We have now interrupted the university’s purpose, which is educating students.”

“I think their response was despicable. It was absolutely gaslighting,” Riesing said. She was one of the few students who reached out to the university and got a response.

While there was no official public statement, the university did provide Queen City Nerve with a statement in response to questions about GAP’s behavior on campus.

The statement noted that GAP was not invited to campus by anyone at the university, and that The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform reserved space for the organization to be on campus.

“The group routinely visits college and university campuses around the U.S. and Canada,” the statement reads. “As with other groups that reserve space on campus, the views of the organization should not be interpreted as the views of the University

“We understand this event was upsetting to members of our campus community,” the statement continues. “As a public university, UNC Charlotte has a responsibility and legal obligation to uphold free speech, including the right of outside organizations to reserve space on our campuses without regard to the content of their speech. This includes content that others may view as objectionable. The University has established protocols to create and

sustain an environment where freedom of speech and expression is supported regardless of the viewpoint of the speaker.“

The statement says the university is reviewing its policies related to free speech events to assess the opportunity for further changes, and claimed that professional staff members were present with the GAP group and counter-protestors during the event “to provide support as needed.”

Cox said he hopes the university’s review will result in action being taken so students no longer need to be concerned about being accosted and harassed on campus.

“You shouldn’t have to come to school, to the university in the morning, and expect that you’re going to have to either help someone or be helped because you’re confronted with really a horrifying and even a menacing spectacle,” he said.

SEVERAL STUDENTS COUNTER-PROTESTED THE DISPLAY.

PHOTO BY DELANEY NIELSEN/NINER TIMES

THE MATRIARCH

Local Catawba artist Alex Osborn pays homage to Sally New River

BY RYAN PITKIN

Growing up on the Catawba Indian Nation reservation in York County, South Carolina, Alex Osborn led a life that was somewhat different from those outside the reservation, even if he didn’t realize it until he was older.

For example, he recalls there being a Native American coordinator on staff at his elementary school, and much of his experiences with health care as a child came at Indian Health Service facilities.

“Indian Health Service is usually run by military personnel and so there’s just a brand of bedside manner. It’s not quite the same,” he tells me. “Not only are they military, they’re also just not very gentle.”

I’m speaking with Osborn in a conference room at the University of South Carolina Lancaster’s Native American Studies Center, where he works as an assistant curator. Our chat followed Osborn’s appearance with three other Catawba artists at which they discussed Native American representation in media following screenings of TV shows Rutherford Falls and Reservation Dogs, two recent shows that portray Native American issues in a way that is rare in American TV.

Osborn says he got a laugh out of a certain scene in Reservation Dogs that involved an Indian Health Services facility, as he could relate to the surreal environment such facilities cultivate.

“[The military presence] is also combined with many people from the tribe that are employed there,” he explains. “So it’s this interesting mix of people who, I don’t want to say don’t care, but can’t relate as much, and then people who can very much relate, and it’s a comical mix sometimes.”

Osborn, a digital artist and painter, uses art to bridge the gap between reservation life and the outside world, as well as between generations. He’s aware that his penchant for digital art is a far reach from the pottery his people are most well-known for artistically, and that’s what makes it effective, he says.

“It’s fitting for me personally to make modern art, but also to kind of make a statement like, ‘I’m here now, and I’m Native American,’” Osborn tells me. “We’re not just in a textbook, we’re not just a historical moment, we are a living culture that exists through to today and we haven’t been around for 6,000 years to only be relegated to existence in a textbook.”

Osborn has a chance to build on that connection with one of his recent works, a portrait of Sally New River, an icon of the Catawba Indian Nation who lived in the late 18th and early 19th centuries, that was unveiled in June as part of the Charlotte Museum of History’s Path of Portraits.

Osborn will join Catawba Nation archivist Ensley Guffey for a virtual panel discussion hosted by the museum on Nov. 22 to explore Sally New River’s legacy and the importance of women in Catawba history.

An icon of the Catawba Nation

Sally New River was born in 1746 in what is now known as Nations Ford. Her grandfather was King Hagler, the leader of the Catawba from 1750 to his death in 1763. Not much is known about Sally’s early life, though it’s believed she was likely orphaned during the smallpox epidemic in 1759 and eventually settled in what was called New Town. New River took a leadership role in the tribe

following the death of her grandfather. She owned all 20,000 acres claimed by the Catawba Indian Nation at the end of the 18th century, helping to preserve it and keep it in the Catawba name.

She’s also credited with helping to grow the Catawba Nation after it dwindled to just 100 souls following a century of disease and displacement brought on by European settlers.

Osborn said he first learned of Sally New River in his teens, then became more aware of her importance as he got older.

There are no photos or artistic depictions of Sally New River from the time when she was alive, so Osborn had to use his imagination for the digital portrait. Using a collage style, Osborn used a photo of his great-great-grandmother as a child to portray New River’s eyes.

“The eyes belong to my great-greatgrandmother, and the reason why I did that is to figuratively paint a portrait of Sally New River as a historical figure, but not only the historical figure in the sense of someone who lived long, long ago, but

PHOTO BY RYAN PITKIN

ALEX OSBORN (SECOND FROM LEFT) WITH THREE OTHER CATAWBA ARTISTS AT A RECENT PANEL DISCUSSION.

also to connect to these people that we are literally connected to,” he explains.

Osborn used digital paintbrush tools that resemble watercolors to paint and design out from around the eyes.

“It was neat to paint around that, and then other elements of the portrait kind of center around culture and protection, too,” Osborn says. “So, like finding your culture, she’s enshrouded in a blanket, so we don’t fully know her, but also we want to protect whatever we have. And I think that speaks to my perception of her, because when I think of Sally New River, I think of my great-great-grandmother. I think of, like, this leading figure.

“The blanket is to hide her because we don’t really know what she looked like,” he continued, “but it’s also like she took on this mantle of responsibility to lead our tribe more and literally to survive. I was trying to blend the literal and the figurative there.”

The piece is also an example of Osborn’s exploration of digital art, which he uses to connect the present with the past in a purposeful way.

It’s a connection he learned while undergoing an artist residency at the Native American Studies Center that ended in August, when he was offered his job as assistant curator.

“What I realized was that my art is uniquely for now; it’s influenced by my culture but it’s also meant to present things to people in a new way that I hope makes them interested in my culture, too,” he says. “And so featuring digital representations of markings and very old work, I’ve always loved that combination between old and new. And so people might see that and say, ‘Oh, what is that?’ And then learn more about my people.”

Art as therapy

Osborn has been an artist since a young age, it’s just the mediums that have changed. Throughout his childhood, he has played music, had a passion for drawing, and eventually picked up photography, collage and digital design.

He remembers a Polaroid camera that printed photos that could peel off and be stickers in the 1990s as a tool that holds special significance for him as a budding creative. He attended the Special Talents in the Arts (ST-ARTS) summer camp at Winthrop University as a child, where he studied photography.

He still practices in that medium; he’ll be shooting photos at the annual Yap Yè Iswà Festival,

scheduled for the Catawba Cultural Center in Rock Hill on Nov. 19.

Eventually Osborn’s love for photography merged with his love for technology, which is how he began creating digital art.

Osborn identifies as pansexual, meaning he does not limit himself in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity, and says that art has been a helpful in getting him to that space.

“My art has been a source of introspection for me,” he says. “I’ve always found some kind of art as a therapy — like I did music growing up, and I’ve always loved to draw, I’ve always loved to take pictures — and those methods just set my brain at

ease and give me the space to think about, ‘Well, who am I? And also what does that represent?’ So that can mean Catawba, that can mean queer, that can mean he/him for me. It’s been a very cathartic space to be myself, and I want to represent that for everyone else.”

While he has made subtle allusions to his queerness in his art, which can range from abstract illustrations to figurative depictions representing members of his tribe, he wants to explore how to be more intersectional with his art moving forward.

“I want to make more art that is more explicitly queer, but I haven’t found a way that I want to do that yet in a public setting,” he says. “It’s not like in the closet or hiding anything, I’ve alluded to some

of it in some of my work in ways that aren’t very obvious, but it’s just that I want to bring those things together and I haven’t exactly figured it out yet.”

Another goal of his involves being more represented in Charlotte’s art scene, both individually as an artist and collectively as a tribe. He says that he sees Charlotte as a second home now, as his partner currently lives in the city, and hopes his new work at Charlotte Museum of History can be a foot in the door.

“I love Charlotte as a city. It’s beautiful. We’ve got our issues, but I think that generally we’re going in a really good direction,” he says. “I would like to see more representation for my people there, though, because we were there thousands of years ago. So I think showing that we are there now … we were there and we are there, and I think that it would be neat to show that. And then I also think there’s probably interest. I think that there are probably people that would want to see that, too.”

RPITKIN@QCNERVE.COM

ARTWORK BY ALEX OSBORN

ALEX OSBORN’S DEPICTION OF SALLY NEW RIVER.

SAT

ANI DIFRANCO, GRACIE & RACHEL, JOCELYN MACKENZIE, HOLLY MIRANDA

Bursting upon the indie-rock scene with her selftitled debut in 1990, Ani DiFranco was the real deal — an inspirational performer, a take-noshit feminist, activist role model and a genrebending artist who drew equally from searing folk protest anthems and candid singer-songwriter confessionals. With her latest eclectic R&B-infused LP Revolutionary Love, the DIY icon continues to release her work on her Righteous Babe label, tackling sexism and the assault on reproductive rights with anger and compassion, and giving voice to our deepest convictions on a personal and political level.

More: $30; Nov. 19, 8 p.m.; The Underground, 820 Hamilton St.; fillmorenc.com

WED

11/16

WEDNESDAY NIGHT LIVE: SLAMCHARLOTTE

In partnership with Blumenthal Performing Arts, SlamCharlotte calls out to street corner laureates and powerhouse poets to battle it out with language for a Wednesday Night Live edition of the slam. Hosted by current slam master, Boris ‘Bluz’ Rogers, the free event pits poet from far and wide in competition for cash and bragging rights as the WNL SlamCharlotte champ. Poets must submit three poems that are their own work, and must sign up the day of the slam; organizers will take the first 10 to arrive.

More: Free; Nov. 16, 6:30 p.m.; Harvey B. Gantt Center, 551 S. Tryon St.; ganttcenter.org

COMEDY AT THE CANTEEN: JENN SNYDER

“I’m not heterophobic. I love you straighties!” says Jenn Snyder as she relates tales of growing up gay in good ole boy country, or what she calls living amid the “Lowcountry lowlifes.” A comedy dynamo standing a little over 5 feet, Snyder packs a lot of comic punch in her high-energy delivery. The show at the Boiler Yard includes the feature “Joking Off,” a dad-joke competition with audience participation. Here’s our entry: What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites!

More: Free; Nov. 17, 7:30 p.m.; Camp North End, 300 Camp Road; camp.nc/events

THUR SUN WED SUN

11/20 11/19

MUSIC AND MUSEUM: BRITISH MODERNISM

Noted for her work exemplifying modernist sculpture, mid-20th century English artist Barbara Hepworth engaged in a friendly rivalry with her contemporary and fellow British artist Henry Moore, who is best known for his semi-abstract monumental bronze sculptures. In honor of the two artists’ friendship, the Bechtler Ensemble performs limpid and lilting string quartets from mid-20thcentury British composers, including Benjamin Britten, famed for operas including “Billy Budd” and

“The Turn of the Screw,” and lesser-known charming romantic composers such as Elizabeth Maconchy, Ethel Smyth, and Ernest John Moeran.

More: $10-$14; Nov. 20, 6 p.m.; Bechtler Museum, 420 S. Tryon St.; bechtler.org

ZACH MOSS

11/17 11/20 11/23

A set featuring Charlotte-based, South Carolinaraised singer-songwriter Zach Moss is the centerpiece of this alcohol-free and sobrietyminded holiday event presented by recovery apparel and gift company Beyond Sober. Unabashedly faithbased, multi-instrumentalist and producer Moss crafts songs about navigating the passage from addiction to redemption. An accompanying holiday pop-up shop offers flash sales on retro-stylish cleanand-sober apparel and gifts that are inspired by life beyond the 12 steps recovery program devised and championed by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. The event also includes giveaways, holiday treats, an ugly sweater contest and more.

More: Free; Nov. 20, 6 p.m.; VisArt Video, 3104 Eastway Drive; visartvideo.org

LED ZEPPELIN TRIBUTE TO BENEFIT LEVINE CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

Last year, in the face of the COVID pandemic, Justin Fedor went virtual with his annual Tribute To Benefit concert and raised nearly $50,000 for Roof Above, to help alleviate a crisis in local homelessness. Now Fedor and friends return live to The Neighborhood Theatre, to raise money for the event’s usual charity of choice, Levine Children’s Hospital. Artists will pay homage to the mighty Led Zeppelin with performances from Adam Lazzara of Taking Back Sunday, Jason Scavone, Troy Conn of Jazz Is Led, Ancient Cities and more.

More: $10-$15; Nov. 23, 8 p.m.; Neighborhood Theatre, 511 E. 36th St.; neighborhoodtheatre.com

JUSTIN FEDOR’S TRIBUTE TO BENEFIT LEVINE CHILDREN’S

Photo by Bill Foster 11/23

FRI & SAT

11/25 - 11/26

‘THE POLAR EXPRESS’ IN CONCERT

On Christmas Eve, a young boy who doubts the existence of Santa Claus is whisked aboard a mysterious locomotive bound for the North Pole. The train defies gravity on teetering bridges — shades of Snowpiercer! — and slides over ice fields, while both the conductor and Santa sound like Tom Hanks. Back in 2004, the film’s motion-capture animation was groundbreaking. Today, it’s charming, even though characters seem a bit off — as if they were animatronic figures in an old-fashioned department store window display. The Charlotte Symphony provides the soundtrack for this Christmas classic.

More: $23 and up; Nov. 25-26, 7:30 p.m.; Belk Theater, 103 N. Tryon St.; charlottesymphony.org

SAT

11/26

LEAVING ECHOES, TRUE LILITH, HEY RICHARD, NEON DEATHS

Women’s voices are heard loud and clear in this lineup of local bands. With powerful vocals by We Rock Charlotte’s Krystle Baller, the all-women Hey RICHARD plays insanely catchy punk-rock anthems that are singalongs, confessionals and tirades all at the same time. The all-woman energetic alt-rock band True Lilith anchor their spidery needle-guitar goth-rock sound to singalong girl group vocals and the sassy 1970s glam rock attack of Suzi Quatro. Statesville’s female-fronted hard rockers Leaving Echoes and catchy doom rockers Neon Deaths fill the bill.

More: $10; Nov. 26, 8 p.m.; Skylark Social Club, 2131 Central Ave.; facebook.com/skylarksocialclub

TUE

11/29

GEORGE WINSTON

There have been few artists as influential as selfdescribed “rural folk piano” player George Winston. Profoundly influenced by the dramatic change of seasons he experienced growing up in rural Montana, Winston invented a genre of evocative pastoral music that came to be called new age. Launching the Windham Hill label that specialized in instrumental acoustic music, Winston weathered criticism of his minimalist music, and pioneered the ambient genre. At his best, Winston creates a sense of meditative awe. It’s like gazing at a sky full of stars, and feeling part of the infinite.

More: $25 and up; Nov. 29, 7:30 p.m.; Knight Theater, 430 S. Tryon St.; blumenthalarts.org

ONGOING

11/29 - 12/4

‘JAGGED LITTLE PILL’

Examining her inner emotional life with a clarity that unlocked universal feelings, Alanis Morissette created a soundtrack for people, particularly women, straining at the constraints of society. Any musical attempting to strike as deep as Morissette’s third album, alt-rock masterpiece Jagged Little Pill, faces a tall order. Luckily, Jagged Little Pill the musical, with a book by Diablo Cody (Juno) strikes the right balance between anger and empathy. Depicting a dysfunctional family in the social media age, the show lets songs like “You Oughta Know” take the audience on a transcendent journey.

More: $25 and up; Nov. 29–Dec. 4; Belk Theater, 130 N. Tryon St.; blumenthalarts.org

ANI DEFRANCO

Photo by Daymon Gardner 11/19

MADE OF STARS

Flame Tides dance into the fire

BY PAT MORAN

A wave of sound grabs you, an almighty bottomheavy guitar riff, carried along and anchored by nimble, emphatic drums. That catchy and propulsive guitar-and-drums combination lodges into your skull and won’t let go, particularly when it entwines with cosmic yet relatable lyrics:

“When I lie awake at night/ And wonder who we are/ I stare up at the Milky Way and feel so very far away/ And close to my home...”

I’m listening to the galactic rocker “Broken Stars.” It’s the first single, accompanied by an animatedlyrics YouTube video, off Flame Tides’ second album Bonfire Tsunami, which dropped on vinyl on Aug. 13, and on digital platforms in November. The band, comprised of baritone guitarist/vocalist Mike McNeely and drummer/vocalist Hayley Moran, combines the attack of a blues-based hard-rock combo, along with the philosophical concepts and ambitious melodic reach of art rockers. Moran and McNeely are life partners and musical partners. They will bring their self-described “groovy melodic power duo” to Petra’s on Nov. 19.

Moran and McNeely’s modern distillation of everything good about classic rock is entwined with an accepting and holistic outlook that infuses their life outside the band. Moran is founder and owner of Haylo Healing Arts Lounge, a Plaza Midwood tattoo parlor that honors the divine feminine and approaches skin art as a creative collaboration between client and practitioner. Moran and McNeely’s philosophy, a mix of the pragmatic and the mystic, informs their band moniker Flame Tides as well the title of its latest project.

“[With] Bonfire Tsunami, I thought of the tsunami as an image of ultimate destruction, these waves just crashing over you,” Moran says. “At the same time, the bonfire is not a flame that consumes, but one that gathers people together.”

“Each of us is an individual wave, but we’re also part of the ocean,” McNeely says of the band’s chosen water symbol. “We’re the collective movement in the ocean.”

Before the couple came together to share musicmaking and their life together, Moran and McNeely

undertook separate journeys, ones McNeely likens to the hero’s journey outlined in the works of writer Joseph Campbell, whose works include The Hero with a Thousand Faces and The Power of Myth.

“You are the hero in your life,” McNeely says, adding that being born, engaging the unknown, surviving, self-actualizing, discovering yourself and recognizing a higher calling are all heroic acts.

“What does it mean to carve a path in a dark forest that’s only your path and not following some trail that’s already there?” he asks.

When Michael met Hayley

Moran’s family moved from Fort Worth, Texas, to Charlotte in 1984 when she was 4 years old. At age 14 she took up guitar, playing Bob Dylan, Ani

DiFranco and other folk songs. Drums began calling to Moran as early as elementary school when she was inspired by fellow students tapping out beats on their desk. She started making beats at home.

In 1999, she launched her apprenticeship as a tattoo artist, working at Immortal Images Custom Tattoo Studio. Moran formed a band with three friends she met through her tattoo work. The lineup for that band, Shot Silk, was Moran on guitar, Mindy Barker on drums, Katie Dunn on vocals and popular Charlotte airbrush artist Elf on Bass.

“Shot Silk [was] hard rocking but avant-garde, with some dark Tool vibes [and] sultry deep lyrics,” recalls Moran, who wrote the band’s music while Dunn supplied lyrics. When Shot Silk started to splinter, McNeely would sometimes play with the group while Moran started dabbling on the drums.

“Then it was, ‘Hey Mike, let’s start this other project!’” Moran remembers. The duo formed the core of a loose-knit configuration called The Waves.

“I had it in my mind [that] I could play with various musicians, and The Waves could be these multiple incarnations,” Moran says. “When you saw the Waves, you might see a different set of musicians every time.”

McNeely had been playing in several bands before he crossed paths with Moran. Growing up

in El Paso, Texas, he decided to become a guitarist after hearing albums by rock bands like Rush, Led Zeppelin and Van Halen. McNeely played in his first band when he was 14 years old. Moving to Houston, he played with popular group Atticus Finch. The band put out two albums, Bruised in 1995 and Vertigo in 1998.

“Our music was heavy funk grunge,” McNeely says. After moving to Charlotte in the early 2000s and playing with a few bands, McNeely joined soulful group The Between, featuring vocalist Dani Young who went on to front Charlotte band Radio Lola. McNeely next played guitar and sang in Deep Sky, which he describes as having “an aggressive driving sound with some nods to the ’90s.” Deep Sky put out one album called 7 in 2014.

“With Deep Sky, I developed … poetic lyrical ideas that carried into Flame Tides,” McNeely says.

The next few years brought changes to Moran and McNeely. In the fall of 2014, the couple started dating, and in January 2015, Moran launched Haylo Healing Arts Lounge. Her approach to tattooing would have a profound effect on her drumming and vice versa.

“I’m a lot more in the moment, harnessing the muse and discovering what comes out,” Moran says of both her music and her tattoo skills. Tattooing professionally for 20, Moran has an exacting

FLAME TIDES ‘THUNDER LOVE’ CD RELEASE PARTY IN 2019.

PHOTO BY LORA DENTON

MUSIC FEATURE

approach but she still likes to be as improvisational as possible and not overly calculating.

“That’s why I love the drums compared to playing guitar,” she says. “It’s a much more playful instrument. It’s like a dance to see what comes out naturally with my body movements.”

Likewise, she says tattooing has much to do with movement, flow and what feels natural.

“It’s a little like channeling,” Moran says. “With playing the drums … I sit down, keep my head down and [keep] my eyes unfocused and just see what happens.”

The Wave finally folded when the band’s drummer quit after a show at The Double Door Inn. Moran and McNeely turned their attention to Flame Tides, starting to record in their home studio, compiling songs for their inaugural album Thunder Love. At first, the tunes were primarily instrumental.

“Many of the songs started with me saying, ‘Hey I was playing around with this on the drums. What about this beat?’” Moran says. Both her and McNeely are enamored with poetry and literature, however, and they thought it would be a shame not to have some vocal content in their songs.

The trouble was that McNeely had been shredding his vocal cords singing in the Soundgarden-influenced Deep Sky. As a solution he turned to the talk box, an instrument popularized in the 1970s by Joe Walsh and Peter Frampton, with which a musician places a tube between their teeth so the sound resonates into their mouth and takes on the characteristics of different words and phrases, which are then picked up by their vocal mic.

With the talk box, McNeely found a way to have lyrics for songs by mouthing the words and saving his ravaged voice.

“It was me trying to avoid singing,” he says. “I needed a break.”

The band’s bottom-heavy sound was further defined by a Gibson SG baritone guitar that McNeely found for sale at a Sam Ash store.

“I always liked [blues artist] Son House, this minimalistic approach that created big primal sound,” McNeely says.

With the baritone guitar, he found that sound.

“I could immediately tell there was something that could venture into the low-end territory, a little throaty [with] nice overdrive,” he says.

The guitar gives Flame Tides those plutoniumheavy grooves that entwine with the band’s mystic, playful and positive vocals. In places, McNeely’s sole guitar approximates Black Sabbath’s doubling of

guitar and bass lines, a two-instrument approach that produces the heavy metal pioneers’ signature sludgy riffs.

One song on Thunder Love celebrates a milestone in Moran’s and McNeely’s lives.

At the time, McNeely was into long-distance trail running, which had him alone out in the woods for hours at a time.

“It’s meditative,” McNeely says. “What I call the frontal cortex veils start dropping over time, and you get this other kind of experience through nature.”

While McNeely was running one day, he was trying to decide whether to ask Moran to marry him. At that moment, an owl swooped down past him and landed in the path in front of him.

“It was more of a religious experience than anything I’ve ever had before,” McNeely says.

When McNeely got home, primed to pop the question, he learned that Moran too had encountered on owl.

“On that same day, I had been creating these magic wands,” Moran says. “I’d gathered some sticks from the yard [and] I was … curing them and drying them in this box. I thought, ‘I’m going to put some family photos in this box.’”

She chose a photo of her deceased father. In the photo, her father poses with an owl.

The couple got engaged on Christmas day 2016 — they have yet to marry — and started writing a song, a sidewinding protean swamp blues workout called “The Owl.”

“I’m kind of a shaman,” McNeely says. “I think our early human spirituality was more experiential than dogmatic. It was usually shaman-led societies that would have these meaningful rituals. You would have trance dances and various things that would tap into rhythmic ideas.”

“That’s our primal approach,” Moran offers.

From the pandemic to the stars

One year later, during the pandemic and lockdown, Moran and McNeely started recording songs for their follow up LP in their home studio. This time there would be actual singing. People had been moved by Thunder Love, McNeely says, but had trouble making out the messages he was delivering filtered through the talk box.

“I think Mike felt like he had some things to say, and people wanted to know what we were saying, so we put [those messages] out there, and made them clearer,” Moran says.

She realized there were a few things she wanted to get off her chest too, so she wrote the lyrics to the tune “American Dream meets Quarantine.”

“I started compiling all these common phrases, like ‘Catch a tiger by the tail,’ and ‘XOXO,’” Moran says.

The resulting tune, released as an animated lyrics video, is a playful swagger with distorted decaying guitar, emphatic drums and incongruent, disjointed lyrics. It’s the apocalypse presented as nonsensical standup comedy.

“From the giddyup Jump Street/ As the sun dives deep into the sea/ leaving a trail of twilight on fire/ It’s the broken-down textures I want to be around...”

“[It was] us utilizing our words a little more, and being able to combine our voices and raise our band to the next level,” Moran says “We’re trying to continue to evolve.”

The album Bonfire Tsunami was released on vinyl at the annual Fire Party at Haylo Healing Arts Lounge in August. The celebration was centered on the seven steps of alchemical transformation. The event contended that alchemy, popularly presented as a method of turning lead into gold, was and is actually focused on transforming the self (lead) into spirit (gold). The event marked the seventh anniversary of Haylo’s founding, and raised funds

for the charity Kiss the Ground, which focuses on soil regeneration and regenerative farming practices.

The vinyl release was deliberate, says McNeely. Flame Tides chose a format it believes is the best way to capture the physical aspect of the band’s songs.

“We mixed our record analog. It wasn’t mixed in a computer; it [went] through a console we have [in our home studio],” McNeely says. “The vinyl itself, contains physical representations of … the interplay between the frequencies which are generated by the instruments and the vocals. [The difference between] vinyl and streaming is like the difference between a hand-written letter and something you’d send in an email.”

With a cover painting and graphic design by artist Giovanni Ulloa, and high-end photographs by Buren Foster Photography, the gatefold vinyl LP Bonfire Tsunami is intended as a work of art, Moran and McNeely say.

Moran hopes listeners get a sense of the authenticity that went into the creation of the package and the music it contains.

“No matter how they feel about it, they should know that they are listening to our real and true creative expression from the heart,” Moran says.

“There was this real sense of loss during this experience, and this sense of isolation because with the lockdown you’re just not with other people,” McNeely says. “[Bonfire Tsunami is a] record where we wanted to reach out, and hope that people can feel some connection.”

He mentions the second song on the record, “Broken Stars.”

“While we wonder who we are, one thing we do know is that we share our humanity,” McNeely says. “That’s what that song is about — it’s this idea that we are all stardust. We’re all made from the exact same stuff.”

PMORAN@QCNERVE.COM

HAYLEY MORAN (LEFT) AND MIKE MCNEELY OF FLAME TIDES.

PHOTO BY BUREN FOSTER PHOTOGRAPHY

CLT HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

A blueprint for shopping small in Charlotte

BY JILLIAN MUELLER

What better way to spread holiday cheer than picking out unique gifts for all of your cherished loved ones — and all from local small businesses? Lucky for you, we’ve found a Charlotte-based place to shop for everyone on your list. Log out of Amazon, remove the big box store gift card from your cart and support the shops and creatives of Charlotte.

Moxie Mercantile

2008 Commonwealth Ave.; moxiemercantile.com

Moxie Mercantile is a locally-owned boutique with locations in Charlotte, Matthews and Davidson that carries local art, home goods, candles, jewelry and more. They feature both local artisans and fair trade products.

Park Road Books

4139 Park Road; parkroadbooks.com

Stop by Park Road Books for the avid readers on your list. You’ll find everything from New York Times best sellers to novels by Charlotte and North Carolina authors. If you keep an eye on the events calendar, sometimes you’ll be able to meet the author after you pick up a book.

BOUTIQUES

Black Sheep Skate Shop

830 Lamar Ave.; blacksheepskateshop.com

You’ll find something for the skateboarders and sneakerheads at the skater-owned-and-operated Black Sheep Skate Shop. Featuring brands like Nike, Vans and Dickies, and an extensive selection of shoes, clothing and skateboards.

F4mily

GIFT SHOPS

CLTCH

1512 Central Ave.; facebook.com/cltch

This Plaza Midwood gift shop is a hidden treasure on Central Avenue, full of quirky, funny and affordable gifts like funky socks and accessories, 420-inspired goods, and products from local designers and artists.

Curio, Craft & Conjure

3204-C N Davidson St.; curiocharlotte.com

At this magick shop in NoDa, you’ll find tarot cards, talismans, candles, other tools and supplies that honor African, American, Asian, European, Indigenous, Latin, and Neopagan traditions and practices.

Good Postage

1824 Statesville Ave.; goodpostage.com

Full of great picks for the person who likes to create or stay organized, the independent paper goods store Good Postage is packed with art supplies, cards, notebooks and pens at a wide variety of price points. You’ll also find hand-drawn art, illustrations and prints.

GROW

270 Camp Road; growcharlotte.com

Stop by GROW for all the plant lovers on your list. Choose from a curated collection of house plants with options for every budget, and a collection of pots and pottery to display them in.

Heroes Aren’t Hard to Find

417 Pecan Ave.; heroesonline.com

Whether you’re shopping for the friend that just binge watched Sandman and is up to date on every superhero show, or the one who likes to nerd out on local art, check out Heroes Aren’t Hard to Find. At this locallyowned comic book shop, you’ll find everything from mainstream graphic novels and collectibles, to coffee table books and stories by local indie artists.

Lokal

330 Camp Road, Suite A; lokalorelse.com

This eclectic retail collective is located at the front of Camp North End’s Hygge coworking space. You’ll find everything from clothes to used books to Charlottethemed swag — all from local creators and businesses.

Matters

3623 Latrobe Drive, Unit 130; f4milymatters.com

Peruse the newly opened custom clothing shop in east Charlotte or gift someone a F4mily Membership so they can create their own premium apparel on a recurring schedule.

Five13 Studio

1425 Winnifred St.; five13studio.com

Named Boutique of the Year at the Carolina Fashion Awards, this South End women’s boutique features vibrant and on-trend clothes and accessories with many picks under $100.

Rent Ponybox

1110 Morningside Drive; ponybox.co

A Ponybox gift card is a great pick if you’re shopping for any environmentally conscious fashionistas. You can either pick out clothes in the showroom or order your fits online for local delivery, and rent them for up to two weeks.

roam & dwell

1226 Central Ave.; roamdwell.com

This small Plaza Midwood shop just celebrated its two year anniversary and features women’s clothes and accessories with a focus on sustainability.

DUPP&SWAT

1824 Statesville Ave., Suite 105; instagram.com/ duppandswat

Since 2010, siblings Dion (Dupp) and Davita (Swat) have operated their Black-owned creative studio as a safe space for artists that has grown to include retail, clothing design, events, exhibits, music festivals, art installations and a non-profit, CROWNKEEPERS. Now just in time for the holidays, the creative minds behind DUPP&SWAT are dropping a capsule clothing collection featuring updated designs.

Tabor

431 Providence Road; taborclt.com

Tabor features clothes and accessories from established and emerging designers for fashion-forward men. You’ll also find records, grooming products, books and other lifestyle retail goods at this Myers Park boutique.

Thirty-One Jane

908 Pecan Ave.; thirtyonejane.com

If you’re looking for high-end women’s clothing, skip the trip to Nordstrom and check out the new Plaza Midwood boutique Thirty-One Jane. You’ll find brands like Proenza, Staud and Ganni as well as some more affordable and fun home goods and decor options.

704 Shop

1616 Camden Road; 704shop.com

This Charlotte-themed apparel shop has lots of gifts for those with lots of hometown pride, offering womens, mens and unisex options and goods from collabs with local organizations such as Cheerwine and the City of Charlotte.

MARKETS

Light the Knights Charlotte Christmas Village 324 S. Mint St.; cltchristmasvillage.com

Open Thurs.-Sun. (hours vary) Nov. 25-Dec. 23

Get in the holiday spirit by shopping at this large outdoor market at Truist Field. You’ll find Christmas ornaments and decor, handmade products, art and crafts, European products, traditional toys and specialty foods.

Maker’s Market CLT

Maker’s Markets with goods and crafts from local vendors are popping up at local breweries in Charlotte, Mount Holly and Huntersville on weekends from now until Dec. 10. Check makersmarketclt.com for specific dates and times to grab a brew and scope out these regionally-sourced goods.

FROM DUPP&SWAT’S NEW CAPSULE COLLECTION.

PHOTO COURTESY OF DUPP&SWAT

South End Shop Small Saturdays

Various locations; southendclt.org/events/shopsmall-saturday

Saturdays from Nov. 26-Dec. 10, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Shop local businesses and 135+ pop-up vendors that will line the streets of South End (Atherton Mill, Camden Road, and Winnifred Street). These markets will also feature family-friendly activities like live music from a DJ and photo opportunities with Santa.

VTGCLT vintage-charlotte.com

Vintage Charlote (VTGCLT) has been bringing popup markets filled with vintage, antique and handmade goods from local and regional vendors to Charlotte for over a decade and you’ll have three opportunities to experience them this holiday season:

• VTGCLT Pop

1111 Metropolitan Ave.

Nov. 11-Dec. 9 (Fri.-Sun., 10 a.m.-7 p.m.); Dec. 10-23 (daily from 10 a.m.-7 p.m.); free admission

• VTGCLT Winter Market

401 S. Gardner Ave.

Nov. 19; 11 a.m.-5 p.m.; $8 early admission at 10 a.m. or $3 general admission

• Mistletoe Market

1824 Statesville Ave.

Saturdays, Dec. 3, 10, and 17, 4-8 p.m.

FOOD, DRINKS AND EXPERIENCES

Bar à Vins

3206 North Davidson St.; baravinsclt.com

NoDa’s newest wine bar has something for every wine drinker — from the casual sipper to the seasoned aficionado. Ask the knowledgeable staff to help you pick a bottle, or grab a gift card so the recipient can order by the glass with snacks like potato chips and caviar.

The Batchmaker

901 Berryhill Road; thebatchmaker.com

The Batchmaker’s batch bucks are a great gift for your friend with a sweet tooth. This local bakery features a unique assortment of cakes, cookies, bars and cheesecakes, and — to make it even sweeter — it regularly gives back to local nonprofits.

The Cocktailery

2000 South Blvd., Suite 430; thecocktailery.com

Perfect for the person that would rather stay in and DIY than wait in lines at a bar, The Cocktailery offers expert cocktail classes and all the supplies you need to create your dream drinks in the comfort of your own home.

Weathered Souls Brewing

255 Clanton Road; weatheredsouls.beer

Weathered Souls, the brewery that founded the “Black is Beautiful” fundraising initiative, opened their second location in Charlotte on Nov. 12. Gift cards from

the brewery can be cashed in for beers, or a little later this year, at the brewery’s restaurant complete with cocktails and a menu curated by local James Beard nominee Greg Collier and a coffee shop.

Clayworks

4506 Monroe Road; clayworksinc.org

A workshop from Clayworks, Charlotte’s largest pottery studio, is a unique gift for the creative souls on your shopping list. Learn to use a pottery wheel or handbuild your own clay pieces at Clayworks workshop series. You also can shop from a selection of finished goods by local artists during Clayworks’ holiday sale on Friday, Dec. 2, 6-9 p.m. and Saturday, Dec. 3, 10 a.m.-3 p.m.

Pranayama House Healing Center

431 Penman St.; instagram.com/pranayamahouse

Give the gift of wellness with a class pass or membership at Pranayama House. This new studio, which recently opened in South End, offers power vinyasa, deep stretch and sound bath classes and is the first womanand-black-owned yoga studio in Charlotte.

Santhoshi’s Kitchen

511 Brookhaven Drive, Fort Mill, SC; santhoshikitchen.com

Sign your loved ones up for Santhoshi’s cooking classes and they can learn to make authentic Indian cuisine from the comfort of their own kitchens. You can choose from an online or in-person cooking class, and courses can be customized with vegan, vegetarian or gluten-free options.

INFO@QCNERVE.COM

THE BATCHMAKER

PHOTO BY JESS RAYMOND

SHOP SMALL SATURDAYS IN SOUTH END.

PHOTO COURTESY OF CENTER CITY PARTNERS

THE COCKTAILERY

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE COCKTAILERY

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

I Prevail (The Fillmore)

Soccer Mommy w/ Helenda Deland (Neighborhood Theatre)

The Convenience w/ Josh Cotterino, Swansgate (Snug Harbor)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Jesse Reyez (The Underground)

JAZZ/BLUES

Joanne Shaw Taylor (Knight Theater)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Stage of Stars: Chris Young, Justin Moore, Walker Hayes, Randy Houser (Coyote Joe’s)

Tail Light Rebellion w/ Smelly Felly, Apostate, The Whisley Predicament (The Milestone)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Takénobu (Evening Muse)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

House of Funk (Middle C Jazz)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Mister Earthbound w/ Indus Valley Kings, Crystal Spiders, Hellfire76 (Skylark Social Club)

Vision Video w/ Secret Shame, Spirit System (Snug Harbor)

JAZZ/BLUES

René Marie (Stage Door Theater)

Kim Waters (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICA

Todd Johnson (Comet Grill)

Tim O’Brien w/ Jan Fabricius (Neighborhood Theatre)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

MANIA: The Abba Tribute (Ovens Auditorium)

OPEN MIC

Open Mic Night w/ Chase & “Sug” Aleeia Bolton Brown (Tommy’s Pub)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Stop Light Observations w/ Little Bird (Amos’ Southend)

Lenny Federal (Comet Grill)

Brand of Julez w/ Auroras Hope, Caelifera (The Milestone)

Carbon Leaf (Neighborhood Theatre)

Mercury Dimes w/ Noir Noir, SWAE (Petra’s)

JAZZ/BLUES

René Marie (Stage Door Theater)

Seth Walker w/ Dori Freeman (Evening Muse)

Al Strong (Middle C Jazz)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Taylor Swift Dance Party (The Fillmore)

Deep Fried Disco (Snug Harbor)

Reflexions Dark Wave/New Wave/Goth Dance Party w/ DJ Velvetine (Tommy’s Pub)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony: Beethoven’s Triple Concerto (Belk Theater)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

Cosmic Collective (Birdsong Brewing) Funkwondo (Crown Station)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony:Youth Orchestra Fall Concert (BelkTheater)

Charlotte Symphony: Beethoven’sTriple Concerto (BelkTheater)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Thurston Howell (Amos’ Southend)

Eric Hutchinson (Evening Muse)

Marshall Alexander w/ F. Dux, Jones McShine, Wrappapa, CJ Spades, Ty Bru, Willz (The Milestone)

Brendan James (Neighborhood Theatre)

Space Wizard (SERJ)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Hazy Sunday (Petra’s)

Petey w/ Young Jesus (Visulite Theatre)

LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE

Grand Musical: Sri Krishna, Geetha Madhuri, Srikanth Sandugu, Sruthi Nanduri, Sahithya Vinjamuri, Mehar Live Band (Knight Theater)

CHRISTIAN/GOSPEL/RELIGIOUS

Hillsong United w/ Chris Tomlin (Spectrum Center)

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

OPEN MIC

Find Your Muse Open Mic feat. Anna P.S. (Evening Muse)

JAZZ/BLUES

The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Lost Cargo: Tiki Social Party (Petra’s)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

A Life Worth Taking w/ Anchor Detail, XBound, Auroras Hope (The Milestone)

Led Zeppelin Tribute feat. Adam Lazzara, Revelwood Mission, Jason Scavone, Ancient Cities, Falllift, Crystal Fountains, The Doughboys (Neighborhood Theatre)

The Coyotes w/ Noir Noir, Sinners & Saints, A-Minor (Snug Harbor)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

DJ That Guy Smitty (Birdsong Brewing)

JAZZ/BLUES

Liquid Pleasure (Middle C Jazz)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Flame Tides w/ Red Eye Gemini, gogoPilot (Petra’s)

Modern Moxie w/ Hello June (Snug Harbor)

Occult Fracture w/ Hellfire Choir, King Cackle (Tommy’s Pub)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Omar Apollo (The Fillmore)

JAZZ/BLUES

Preservation Hall Jazz Band (Knight Theater)

Tyra Scott (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICA

Mike Strauss (Comet Grill)

Low Water Bridge Band w/ Taylor Hunnicutt (Evening Muse)

Ani DiFranco w/ Gracie and Rachel, Jocelyn Mackenzie, Holly Miranda (The Underground)

LATIN/WORLD/REGGAE

Gloria Trevi (Ovens Auditorium)

SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACOUSTIC

Dave Desmelik (Birdsong Brewing)

Nate Randall (Heist Brewery)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

MINKA w/ Lil Skritt, Family Video (Skylark Social Club)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Amon Amarth (The Fillmore)

The Brevet (Neighborhood Theatre)

JAZZ/BLUES

Jazz Legacy Project (John Coltrane tribute) (Middle C Jazz)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Bill Noonan Band (Comet Grill)

Red Clay Strays w/ Kevin Dedmon (Evening Muse)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

Alan Charmer w/ Stryx,Taylor Cirque, DJ Mike Earle (Snug Harbor)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Seneca Burns w/ Mindvac, Wastoid (The Milestone)

Josh Daniel’s Charlotte Waltz (Visulite Theatre)

JAZZ/BLUES

Robyn Springer w/ Ziad Rabie, Rodney Shelton (Middle C Jazz)

EXPERIMENTAL/CROSS-GENRE

Julian Calendar w/ The Real Dolls, ICH (Petra’s)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony: ‘The Polar Express’ Live in Concert (Belk Theater)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Ellis Paul w/ Radoslav Lorković (Evening Muse)

Dugi B w/ South of Dallas (Primal Brewery)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

Sonny Miles w/ Black Haus (Snug Harbor)

PHOTO BY YAIR GUEVARA

MERCURY DIMES WILL PLAY AT PETRA’S ON NOV. 18.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Testarossa w/ Jake Haldenvang, Stone Whiskey (Amos’ Southend)

Leisure McCorkle’s Birthday Bash (Comet Grill)

Eavesdropper w/ Lords & Liars, Strike The Tower (Tommy’s Pub)

On the Border (Eagles tribute) (Middle C Jazz)

FUNK/JAM BANDS

The Bad Daddies w/ The Wayback Brass Attack (Visulite Theatre)

COUNTRY/FOLK/AMERICANA

Kris Atom (Heist Brewery)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

Dirty Dancing in Concert (Ovens Auditorium)

Digital Noir w/ DJ Spider (The Milestone)

Break Free feat. Andy Kastanas, Aswell, Glittergirl, Probably Will, Danielle Kharman (Snug Harbor)

CLASSICAL/INSTRUMENTAL

Charlotte Symphony: ‘The Polar Express’ Live in Concert (Belk Theater)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

W.A.S.P. (The Fillmore)

HIP-HOP/SOUL/R&B

A Motown Christmas (Knight Theater)

LATIN/REGGAE/WORLD

Celtic Session w/ Alan Davis (Tommy’s Pub)

JAZZ/BLUES

Omari & the Hellhounds (Comet Grill)

Ryan Hanseler (Middle C Jazz)

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

JAZZ/BLUES

Patt Mostle’s Jazz Jam (Tommy’s Pub)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

The Bill Hanna Legacy Jazz Session (Petra’s)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29

ROCK/PUNK/METAL

Keep Flying w/ Thousand Dollar Car, Ruff’Tons (Skylark Social Club)

JAZZ/BLUES

Noel & Maria: Home for the Holidays (Booth Playhouse)

George Winston (Knight Theater)

Prophetic and the Jazz Disciples (Visulite Theatre)

POP/DANCE/ELECTRONIC/DJ

MAX w/ VINCINT (The Underground)

¡Bugalú! (Petra’s)

VISIT QCNERVE.COM FOR THE FULL SOUNDWAVE LISTING.

A SEAT AT THE TABLE

Eat, Gay, Love inclusive Thanksgiving spreads love & food to LGBTQ+ community

BY KARIE SIMMONS

“Sometimes you have an idea and then you figure out that the justification behind it is even better,” says Brian DuBois, explaining how a lastminute, informal Friendsgiving he threw together in 2019 evolved into Eat, Gay, Love — an annual free dinner on Thanksgiving Day for anyone in search of community care.

DuBois came up with the idea while working as the bar manager at Single Barrel Room, a craft cocktail bar in the back of Whiskey Warehouse in Plaza Midwood. The venue had been hosting a regular Thursday night drag game show with then up-and-coming Charlotte drag queen Onya Nerves to benefit LGBTQ-focused charities in the community.

When DuBois realized the bar would be open on Thanksgiving for drag game night, he thought it’d be fun to offer holiday food and put out a call for donations. Among those DuBois reached out to was friend and Queen City Nerve publisher Justin LaFrancois.

“I was basically like, ‘Hey friend. You know people. Can you get mama a turkey? Can you get me some food?’” DuBois said. “So then it just turned into this whole thing.”

Dishes and donations poured in through wordof-mouth, creating a mishmash of food spread across a help-yourself-style buffet. DuBois said it wasn’t until he started spreading the word about the free, inclusive dinner and hearing feedback from the community that the mission and the message came to the surface.

“The holidays are so hard for people, especially locally in North Carolina, where LGBT acceptance, especially trans acceptance, is so hit-or-miss,” he said. “So we’re creating a space where you can come together, be with a community.”

Now in its fourth year, Eat, Gay, Love is presented in partnership between Queen City Nerve and Billy Sunday, where DuBois currently works

as a bartender. Billy Sunday will host the event on Thursday, Nov. 24 from 2-5 p.m. at its Optimist Hall location.

Eat, Gay, Love is operated entirely on a donation and volunteer basis thanks to time, food and supplies donated by the community. Leftover food is boxed up and donated to Block Love Charlotte, a local nonprofit that sets up in Uptown every day to serve meals to our neighbors experiencing homelessness. Any leftover monetary donations also go to Block Love.

“If 10 people show up, we’re gonna feed those 10 people,” DuBois said. “Then we got all this leftover food, so let’s make sure that we’re doing something responsible with it.”

Beating down barriers

DuBois, 40, grew up in Charlotte and came out as gay when he was 26 years old. He doesn’t have a tense relationship with his family that makes the holidays difficult, but he empathizes with those who do, he said. Working in the service industry and in his role as president of One Voice Chorus, a chorus for LGBTQ+ people and allies in Charlotte, he’s heard too many stories from members of the community who have been disowned, rejected or renounced, he said.

In DuBois’ mind, Eat, Gay, Love is not just about food or creating a “safe space” — it’s about social care.

DuBois noted there are many affluent, gay white men in the LGBTQ community, while members of the trans community and the Black queer community are often in underpaid jobs. They may not have the resources to host their friends and chosen family for Thanksgiving, DuBois said.

“And it’s not a separate issue from their queerness. Somehow it comes in tandem — paying for hormone replacement therapy while you’re working in a service industry job because

you don’t have any money,” he said. “So there is a lot of cross section between those who can’t afford to necessarily throw their own Thanksgiving for friends who are part of the queer community.”

Today, Onya Nerves is one of Charlotte’s busiest drag queens. She’s involved with Charlotte Gaymers Network and is the founder of DKO Entertainment, which recently acquired Queer Society Charlotte. Still, despite her soaring popularity, Onya Nerves has remained involved with Eat, Gay, Love since the first iteration by volunteering to serve food and host games throughout the day.

Eat, Gay, Love aims to address a true need in Charlotte’s LGBTQ+ community, Onya Nerves told Queen City Nerve.

“It’s always nice to have a place outside of family, especially in North Carolina, because most of us are not even from here,” she said.

She’s originally from South Dakota and rarely goes home for Thanksgiving. “So having a place to go when you don’t have that kind of community or family space to go is really beneficial for a lot of people over these times.

“Holidays are expensive, and have unexpected expenses, especially being lower income as well, as the LGBTQ community is,” she continued. “It’s nice to not have that stress.”

The evolution of Eat, Gay, Love

The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 threw a wrench in many people’s holiday plans and Eat, Gay, Love was not exempt. With mask requirements, temperature checks and indoor occupancy limits, DuBois and LaFrancois were able to carry the event into its second year.

Instead of going by a “bring what you want” method, organizers asked the community for specific food items in order to build uniform plates that could be safely handed out in a curbside pickup line manned by local drag queens.

Vegetarian options and vegan turkey were also added to the menu following feedback from the previous year.

In 2021, DuBois took his new position at Billy Sunday, which he said has been very supportive of

COURTESY OF BRIAN DUBOIS

BRIAN DUBOIS

Eat, Gay, Love by offering whatever the event needs to be successful.

In March 2022, Billy Sunday got a new neighbor in Noble Smoke, which is owned by Jim Noble, a restaurateur who has become locally infamous for his anti-LGBTQ views, among other controversial opinions such as supporting Donald Trump.

“There’s a dark cloud around Optimist Hall whether or not they’re a queer safe space or not, and we try and be the shining rainbow that says, ‘Come one, come all, let’s be gays and let’s do it,’” said DuBois.

He is disappointed that ownership hasn’t addressed concerns around Noble’s presence in Optimist Hall.

“They’re not siding either way, so it kind of whitewashes the whole thing,” DuBois said. “But Billy Sunday is its own stand-alone business there because it’s not in the communal hall portion. It’s kind of got its own ground. And our ownership, which is based out of Chicago, says, ‘Do what you want. Let’s rock and roll.’”

Also this year, the food hall announced it would begin charging for parking after 90 minutes, but DuBois emphasized that parking will be free all day on Thanksgiving.

Though Eat, Gay, Love continues to evolve each year, DuBois said that, besides free food, the draw remains the same: community. DuBois said he’s seen several examples of the power of community at past events.

Last year, the first people to show up to Eat, Gay, Love were a cis-hetero family with a son about 12 years old who was “kind of considering, exploring and figuring things out.”

DuBois said he was moved after watching the boy interact with the other attendees.

“For him to have a safe space where he can go and see queer people exist was great for them,” DuBois said.

A spontaneous hand turkey craft also took place last year, DuBois said. People began tracing their hands to make turkeys using found sharpies on cardboard pizza rounds from Ava pizzeria, another Optimist Hall vendor.

Onya Nerves had her own special experience with a mother and son who came to last year’s Eat, Gay, Love and took a picture with her.

She said the son approached her eight months later at Queen City Anime Con and asked for a picture for his mom. She recognized him but couldn’t place him, not realizing they had met at Eat, Gay, Love.

“Three months after that, the mom comes up to me and is like, ‘Hey, I’m here for your event and I just had to get a picture of you for my son because he got you like three months ago and I was jealous,’” Onya Nerves said. “So now they have a little game. Now they do little phone tag. It’s so funny. It’s fantastic.”

Despite this being the fourth year of Eat, Gay, Love, DuBois said spreading the word continues to be the hardest part — not only letting people know the event is happening but that it’s for everyone, including allies.

He said the challenge is the LGBTQIA+ community is so fractioned between so many nonprofits and organizations and he’s trying to let everyone know that Eat, Gay, Love is the place to be and to be involved in, but he often feels he’s falling short.

“It’s both encouraging to know that all of your needs are taken care of but then it’s disheartening to know that you didn’t reach as far as you could have,” DuBois said. “And I like to take it on me that I didn’t reach far enough and not that there’s not a community who needs support, because they’re out there.”

Onya Nerves thinks DuBois is being too hard on himself. She said Charlotte is notoriously slow to grow for events; they either pop off right away, get too big for their britches and fizzle out, or they

slowly grow each year and solidify.

“There are so many one-offs and people go and it’s fun, and then they don’t ever get to do it again,” she said. “To be able to say that we’re in our fourth year of doing this is quite impressive.”

Imposter syndrome

Maybe it’s his humble nature, but DuBois admits he sometimes wonders if Eat, Gay Love is just a fun thing he did for a while or if this is what the community truly wants and needs and should be continued forever?

He said he hopes it’s the latter and the event becomes a Charlotte staple.

“In my mind, if one family comes who needs that safe space to be there then it served its purpose,” DuBois said. “I couldn’t tell you who else showed up last year, but that one family with their kid who were the first people to walk in the doors? I was like, check, we did what we needed to do this year.”

Still, that doesn’t soothe what he refers to as his “massive impostor syndrome.” DuBois doesn’t think he should be a leader in the LGBTQ+ community because he didn’t come out until later in life.

“There’s no way that between 26 and 40 I have become a high-functioning gay who knows how to like, look out for others,” he said. “And I look at my friends, sometimes I go and look at Onya, and I’m like, ‘We’re doing good stuff? We’re changemakers? That’s crazy.’”

Onya Nerves knows the need is there, so much so that when DuBois shared his plans for the first event, her initial reaction was, “Why wasn’t this

something that was happening before?”

“I’m used to doing whatever Brian says,” Onya Nerves said. “He’s come at me with some really random ideas over the years, and they’ve all been a lot of fun. His mind never stops working.”

LaFrancois said when DuBois initially asked him to be involved in Eat, Gay, Love, he realized he’d be OK with skipping a holiday with his own family if it meant providing that opportunity to others.

He said it’s both his personal and professional goal to contribute to diversity, equity and inclusiveness in the city of Charlotte and he empathizes with those who may have a less-thansafe space, or a non-welcoming family to celebrate with on Thanksgiving.

“Plus, who doesn’t like stuffing your face and getting a little too drunk with a six-foot-five drag queen and the most colorful crew of caring people in the city?” LaFrancois said.

And as for that imposter syndrome? Onya Nerves thinks DuBois deserves all the spotlight he can get.

“He is one of the most genuine people in this community and when he genuinely cares about an event or an organization, he puts his whole heart into it,” she said.

“I think because it’s had such an overwhelming response over the years, I think that’s part of why he feels so imposterous about it, because it’s a need that needs to be filled. And the fact that it wasn’t beforehand only just shows that he cares about the community more than anything else.”

PHOTO BY JUSTIN LAFRANCOIS

VOLUNTEERS DISH OUT FOOD AT EAT, GAY, LOVE IN 2021.

ATTENDEES HANG OUT AT BILLY SUNDAY’S BAR.

PHOTO by Justin LaFrancois

SUDOKU

BY LINDA THISTLE

TRIVIA TEST

BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ

1. MOVIES: Who voices the character of Timon in “The Lion King”?

2. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is a group of parrots called?

3. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What are the main colors of Italy’s flag?

4. SCIENCE: What instrument is used to measure wind speed and direction?

5. LITERATURE: Who wrote the young readers’ novel “Looking for Alaska”?

6. U.S. STATES: In which state can you find Glacier National Park?

7. MEASUREMENTS: What is the study of measurements called?

8. TELEVISION: The characters in “Laverne & Shirley” live and work in which city?

9. GEOGRAPHY: Which two countries occupy the Iberian Peninsula?

10. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Which president signed into law a bill that made “The Star-Spangled Banner” the national anthem?

CROSSWORD

AERIN IT OUT RAGIN’ FOR CAJUN

A date night with Tim DePeugh never disappoints

BY AERIN SPRUILL

When Timothy DePeugh, Queen City Nerve’s very own food writer and restaurant critic (BKA @TimTimTokyo in my contact list) texts you a proverbial, “Let’s jump…,” it never ceases to amaze me how astonishingly quick I am to say, “How high?”

A little over a year ago, in a bold fangirl moment, I slid into his DMs. But to an outsider looking in, it would appear we’re two old Golden Girls talking shit like we’ve known each other forever. (Is that an exaggeration, Tim?) That ease of friendship is rare for an extroverted introvert like myself and makes it that much easier to say yes to just about any adventure … even one that drags me to South End. And y’all know I avoid South End like the plague.

“Yo wanna be my +1 next Thursday,” Tim texted, followed by two screenshots, one a picture of Chef KJ Townsend of Louisiana’s Quizine Quarters and one of Charlotte’s own Chef Hector González of El Toro Bruto. I’d heard whispers of a Louisiana x Charlotte food collaboration event happening at a handful of QC restaurants so, despite knowing this event would feel like going on a forced blind date with Resident Culture’s South End location, I jumped.

Call me Regina George, because the way everybody has hyped up this Resident Culture location since it opened earlier this year has had me feeling like we need to “stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen.”

But alas, here I was off to follow the sheep because of, one, the food, and two, Louisiana food, and three, El Toro Bruto (previously Chilito Tacos, whose breakfast burritos had us all in a chokehold during the pandemic) is the shit and has found a home at Resident Culture in South End. And to El Toro Bruto I say, “Well so be it. Where you go, I go. Me and you, us never part. Makidada. Su casa es mi casa.”

But typical Tim, he got me out here looking like the “Ashleighs,” a term he coined for doing basic bish things like date night in South End. I chuckled at the irony and I pictured him sitting in his favorite booth, peering behind sunglasses, and the sunshine conjuring sweat on his brow as he meticulously plots what tea he’ll spill in his love letter to Resident Culture. It’s a visual that will rival Mean Girls’ Damian Leigh when he shouts, “She doesn’t even go here!” at the school assembly.

“Let me know when you’re here! Sitting at the bar,” I

texted Tim as soon as I walked in, hoping he would save me sooner rather than later from my South End judgment spiral. I debated whether the red glow emanating from string lights that hung in the rafters felt menacing or cozy. But before I could decide, my sight shifted to the Evel Knievel-inspired moto “chandelier” that hung from the ceiling and immediately got Hard Rock Cafe vibes (am I the only one?).

“Can I get you anything?” the bartender interrupted, saving me from yet another rabbit hole of Myrtle Beach proportions. I panicked and agreed to the “crowd favorite” Blood Orange Margarita on draft. If that alone doesn’t make you judge me, maybe the fact that I paid $16.88 with tip for one of them will.

Thoughts of sticker shock also grew smaller as my eyes shifted to the corner of the bar where it appeared the initial course was being prepped. That’s right, Aerin, focus on the food, not the location. I began to worry as I heard what sounded like the start of the event toward the rear of the space and thought, “Surely, timely Tim isn’t late.”

But just as I began to craft a corny equivalent of a “BP Time” joke, I peeked around the corner to see where the “host’s table” was, and lo and behold, there was the back of Tim’s head bobbing intently. I giggled, even from there I knew he was already wooing them with his gift of gab.

“Why didn’t you text me?” he exclaimed as if caught in the middle of gossip as he scooted his things to make room for me. “I did!” He checked his phone to see the text I’d sent 15 minutes prior and a childlike grin spread across his face because he knew that I knew that we knew he was too busy chattin’ to see it.

I’d like to think that my presence at the host’s table was mutually enjoyable, but it could be the two or three more sugary Blood Orange Margaritas that snuck up on me as I flapped my gums about everything from culinary trails and cultural revival to snake meat and getting T-bagged by a cow.

If the innovative and symbiotic courses that those two chefs curated didn’t reinvigorate my passion for food and nightlife, listening to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on repeat as Tim dropped me off sure the hell did.

HOROSCOPE

NOVEMBER 16-22 NOVEMBER 23-29

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You’re eager to “Ram” headfirst into that new project. But before you do, find out why some of your colleagues might not appear to be as gung-ho about it as you are.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) All that dedicated hard work you’ve been putting in pays off better than you expected. So go ahead, reward yourself with something befitting a beauty-loving Bovine.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) It’s a good time to take on that new challenge. And if your selfconfidence is lacking, instead of telling yourself why you can’t do it, list all the reasons why you can.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) This is one time when you might want to put some distance between you and the job at hand. It will give you a better perspective on what you’ve done and what you still need to do.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Resist that occasional lapse into Leonine laziness that sometimes overtakes the Big Cat. Don’t cut corners. Do the job right at this time, or you might have to redo it later.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You know how you like to do things. And that’s fine. But watch that you don’t impose your methods on others. A current financial crunch soon eases.

PUZZLE ANSWERS

BORN THIS WEEK: You can be firm in your own views, but also flexible enough to welcome the views of others.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Someone might try to take advantage of your generosity. But before your sensitivity toward others overwhelms your good sense, check their story out carefully.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Your strong Scorpian sense of fairness lets you see all sides of a dispute. Continue to remain impartial as you help each person work through their particular grievance.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Trust your keen Sagittarian insight to help you see through an offer that might not be all it claims to be. A closer look could reveal disturbing elements.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) With the Goat exhibiting a more dominant aspect these days, you could find it easier to make your case in front of even the most skeptical audience.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Take things nice and easy as you continue to build up your energy reserves for a big upcoming change. You’ll need your strength for what lies ahead.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Recent news from someone you trust could help you make an important decision. Also, be prepared to confront an upcoming change in a personal situation.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) This is a good time to speak out on a difficult situation. You’re known for your honesty, so people will listen and, perhaps, begin to make long-needed changes.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) The Bovine’s sharp business sense alerts you to question the positions of those trying to push the Bull into a deal. Demand to see proof of what they profess.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Your quick thinking helps you get out of a troubling situation that was suddenly thrust upon you. Later on, you can expect to learn more about why it happened.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You might feel you’ve dotted all your i’s and crossed all your t’s regarding that upcoming deal. But there might be some facts you’ve ignored. Check again.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Time for the Lion to be more physically active. It will help shake off any lingering Leonine lethargy and restore your energy levels so that you’ll be prepared for what lies ahead.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Helping those in need at this time is laudable. But don’t ignore your own needs, especially where it concerns your health. A medical checkup is a wise move.

BORN THIS WEEK: You’re perceptive and quick to act when you sense that someone needs help. You are an always-dependable friend.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Good news: Your outspoken views about a controversial on-thejob situation could find unexpectedly strong support from a most unlikely workplace faction.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) You might have to draw on your reservoir of spiritual strength to help someone special through a difficult time. Your loving attitude makes all the difference.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Your proven leadership qualities make you the perfect person to take on an important workplace task. Don’t shy away from the challenge.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Although some compromise might need to be reached regarding your stand on an important issue, you’ll still be able to get the most crucial points across.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A chance to make a career change carries both positive and uncertain possibilities. Best advice: Check it out thoroughly, and don’t be rushed into a decision.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You’re still a staunch supporter of one side of an important issue. But be prepared to deal with new information that could cause you to question your current stand.

Portugal and Spain. 10. Herbert Hoover.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Metrology.

Montana.

Pg. 21

John Green.

Anemometer.

Green, white and red.

A pandemonium.

1. Nathan Lane.

SAVAGE LOVE ACE CASE

Allo, there

BY DAN SAVAGE

My ex-girlfriend and I had a good relationship, but the sex was bad. When we had sex, it would eventually become clear that nobody was going to climax, or that she was tired or bored, and we would stop. I decided to let her take the lead and stopped initiating.

I began to feel like not even my emotional needs were being met and that’s when she revealed what felt to her like the mother of all secrets: she may be asexual. She said she felt a lot of shame and confusion about it and had been withdrawing for that reason.

We agreed to explore her sexual identity together and try new things that could potentially work for both of us. The first time we tried it went horribly. I felt insecure and uncomfortable, and I ended things early, as she had so often done. She started initiating trying things when we went to bed and I kept it to cuddling, then went to the bathroom to “finish myself off” after she fell asleep.

She heard me come back to bed, asked what I was doing, and I told her the truth. She got out of bed, sad and angry, and I tried to apologize but we never got past this.

Several months later, I’m still confused. I feel guilty about rejecting her only to sneak away to the bathroom after she fell asleep. At the same time, I don’t understand how what I did became such a deal breaker. I was raised in a religious home and spent a decade freeing myself from sexual shame and I feel like some of that work was undone here.

Through the course of the relationship — and particularly that fateful evening — I felt ashamed of my sexual desire for her, which was clearly much more intense than hers towards me. She’s an athlete with a perfect body, while I had been stress eating my way through the pandemic, which contributed to my feeling undesirable.

I would like to move past my feelings of guilt but I’m not sure how. I’m afraid that being in a relationship with someone who identifies as asexual has had a lasting effect on me. The situation is too personal to be able to discuss it with anyone.

HEALING ELUDES LESBIAN PONDERING MESSY END

“I don’t think HELPME should blame herself for this relationship ending,” said Dr. Ela Przybylo, “and she definitely shouldn’t think the breakup was the result of going to finish off in the bathroom that one night.”

Dr. Przybylo, who is an assistant professor of English, Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at Illinois State University, has identified at various points along the asexual spectrum over the last 15 years.

The label that best fits her now, she says, is gray asexual. (Gray asexuality is both a point along the asexuality spectrum and a spectrum unto itself — our spectrums contain spectrumtudes — but to put it simply, a gray asexual is someone who rarely experiences sexual desire.)

So, if you’re not to blame, HELPME, and slipping away to rub one out after your ex-girlfriend fell asleep isn’t to blame, that would seem to leave us with just one other blamable option: your ex-girlfriend.

Or — hear Dr. Przybylo out — maybe forces larger than you and/or your girlfriend are to blame.

“Being asexual, or ‘ace,’ can be very confusing because we live in a culture where sex is presented as compulsory, necessary to intimacy, and central to romantic relationships,” said Dr. Przybylo.

“And while it’s hard to hear, it’s possible HELPME’s partner never wanted to have sex but did it because she either thought she had to in order to maintain a relationship, or because of societal pressure, or both.”

It’s also possible your ex-girlfriend believed she wanted to have sex, HELPME, and believed she wanted to have sex with you.

Being taught from an early age that sex isn’t just normal, but universal, and that all human beings have

sex, no exceptions, can put a huge zap on someone’s head. Just as it used to be relatively common for homosexuals to enter into heterosexual relationships before realizing they were gay, asexuals sometimes enter into relationships with allosexuals (non-asexuals) before realizing they’re ace.

And just as some gay men go through the heterosexual motions in a desperate attempt to make their straight marriages work (which can be confusing and hurtful for their wives), some asexuals go through the sexual motions to make their relationships with allosexuals work (which can be confusing and hurtful for their allo girlfriends).

“While a person’s sexuality is about them and their journey, it can and does affect others,” said Dr. Przybylo. “In this sense, HELPME’s ex probably didn’t intend to make her feel any which way. She was doing her best in a situation that was probably confusing and overwhelming and anxiety-producing for her too.”

If there was more awareness of the existence and legitimacy of asexuality, HELPME, your ex-girlfriend may have realized who she was sooner. And if she’d known she was ace before you met, she might have chosen to be your friend instead of your romantic partner. Or if she wanted a romantic relationship but not a sexual one — or wanted a minimally sexual one, which some asexual people do — you could’ve decided together whether that was something you both wanted.

As for that awful night, HELPME, it sounds like your ex-girlfriend may have felt bad about being asexual, which was why this relationship ultimately couldn’t work, but instead of owning up to the reason this relationship wasn’t going to work — she’s ace, you’re allo — she seized an opportunity to pin the blame on you. If you manage to circle back and salvage a friendship from the wreckage, your ex-girlfriend may come to see that, admit to it, and apologize for making you feel ashamed about having that wank.

In the meantime, HELPME, Dr. Przybylo thinks you should concentrate a little less on what didn’t work — what couldn’t work — and more on what did.

“HELPME should hold on to the joyous elements of the relationship and forgive her ex and herself for the sex not being what she wanted or imagined she wanted,” said Dr. Przybylo. And it will be easier for you to make that pivot, HELPME, if you “recognize asexuality is a sexual orientation and that her ex’s asexuality has nothing to do with HELPME or whether she’s desirable.”

And finally, HELPME, telling yourself you’re not desirable because your asexual ex-girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck you … is just as crazy as it sounds. I mean, of course your asexual ex-girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck you. She doesn’t wanna fuck anybody. You shouldn’t have to get out there and fuck a few allos to feel desirable again — you should just trust that you’re desirable — but it might do you some good.

Young straight dude here. Recently I have come across a ton of articles online about why women shouldn’t shave their armpits. These articles argue that armpit shaving is based on deeply patriarchal anti-feminist notions of female beauty. This leaves me feeling conflicted. I find women’s shaved armpits extremely erotic, if I’m attracted to the person. I find shaved underarms irresistibly smooth and supple. I love the sensation. Plus, I love the warmth of the area, and how the underarms are right next to the shoulders, neck, and breasts — sort of a nexus point. Even visually, I find them off-the-rails sexually arousing. When women grow their armpit hair, it turns off what is for me one of the most sexually attractive parts of a woman’s body. Reading these articles has left me asking: Is it wrong to be so sexually attracted to something if it’s supposedly based on patriarchal beauty standards? Almost all the info I find online — shaving product advertisements aside — seems to be about why women shouldn’t shave their armpits and how a woman shaving her armpits is gender oppression. It’s really left me wondering: Why is this such an issue for some feminists?

ARE REFLEXIVE MALE PSYCHOSEXUAL INTERESTS THAT STUPID?

If you were smart enough to come up with that signoff, ARMPITS, you’re smart enough to hold these two notquite-conflicting ideas in your mind without stroking out from the cognitive dissonance: You like what you like and you’ve been conditioned to like what you like. Sometimes with a little thought and effort, we can learn to like more than we were conditioned to like (different kinds of people, different kinds of bodies, different kinds of sex), which is a favor we do ourselves, not others. But it’s not always possible for a person to learn to like more than they’ve been conditioned to like. So, what should a person do then?

A person can and should … shut the fuck up.

A person can remind himself that beauty standards evolve, as do gendered norms, and if those standards are evolving away from something he’s been conditioned to think is desirable — something like hairless armpits — he can do his level best not to interfere with that evolution. So, don’t think hairy armpits are hot? Or bigger bodies? Or trans people? Great, fine. You can seek out people you do find attractive — and luckily enough for you, ARMPITS, most women shave their armpits — without shitting all over people you don’t find attractive. Don’t post “no hairy pits” on dating apps, don’t shit-talk with your bros about hairy armpits being gross, don’t post puke emojis all over Instagram when a woman shares a photo that shows armpit hair, and politely pass on potential sex partners who have armpit hair without feeling the need to inform them why you’re passing on them.

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