QSaltLake Magazine - April 01 2007

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ay & Les Utah’s G

APRIL 1, 2007

GA ZINE   A M T N E M NTERTAIN E & s w bian Ne

ISSUE 75

Utah Pride Announces Celebrity Performers Three-day festival and parade will run June 1–3

Equality Ride Protests BYU Rider and mother are arrested attempting to meet officials

Southern Utah Pride May Fold Federal Hate Crimes Law Reintroduced Crossword and Sudoku Ask a Porn Star Comics The Gay Agenda

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Mexico Marries First Same-Sex Couples

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Contents APRIL 1–15, 2007

Summer Fashion

Opinion From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

Page 20

Ruby Ridge. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

Utah Pride Announces Celebrity Performers

Queer Gnosis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 David Samsel. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Ryan Shattuck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Page 13

In Search Of. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

Equality Ride Protests Brigham Young University

Gay Geeks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Lambda Lore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

Page 8

Arts & Entertainment

Southern Utah Pride May Fold

The Gay Agenda. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

Page 9

Dining Guide. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31

Mexico City Weds Gay Couples

Hollywood Buzz. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34

Interview with Bitch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

I7BJ B7A;

Restaurant Review. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29

Rox Box. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Ask a Porn Star. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Comics. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Page 4

Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire Announces Coronation XXXII

Crossword, Sudoku. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Horoscope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Classifieds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 The Back Page. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40

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Anthony Cuesta Troy Espera Ruth Hackford-Peer Chad Keller Laurie Mecham Jennifer Medvin, RN J. Paul Miles David Nelson Ruby Ridge Mikey Rox David Samsel Ryan Shattuck Mark Thrash Ross Von Metzke Dylan Vox Duane Wells Ben Williams Troy Williams

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News

Chilean Gay Soccer Team Gets Ready for World Cup By Dylan Vox

World

Santiago, Chile — This year the Inter-

national Gay and Lesbian Football Association will welcome a new team to their World Cup, which will take place in Buenos Aires this year. The Chilean Condors will be the first ever all-gay team to represent Chile at an international level. By Anthony Cuesta ual couples. It reflects a willingness by The team was formed by the memMexico City — the second municipalMexico City — On Mar. 16 Mexico City bers of the Chile Gay Deportes, an ity in the country to legalize same-sex united its first same-sex couples under its organization dedicated to supportnew civil union law that grants gay and unions — to join the international ing gay and lesbian sporting events lesbian partners social benefits similar to debate on gay marriage. throughout the country. Although not those extended to heterosexual partners. Dozens of supporters, including sevofficially recognized by the national Lawyers Alejandro Diaz, 27, and eral couples who plan to register their government, the Deportes has about Rafael Ramirez, 31, tied the knot in a own same-sex unions soon, waved rain60 members who have created events short ceremony held in a city council bow flags, showered the couple with for volleyball, rugby, softball and now building, the first since the city apflower petals and yelled “Bravo!â€? soccer, which are geared toward gay proved a law permitting civil unions “With this law, a history of exclusion participation in sports. last November. comes to an end,â€? says Medina. “Today, Ricardo LeĂłn, who is a member of In Iztapalapa, one of Mexico City’s the love that before did not dare speak the Deportes, has also been training poorest neighborhoods, journalist its name has now entered the public with the 25 other team members trying Antonio Medina, 38, and economist spotlight.â€? to get ready for the World Cup. LeĂłn is Jorge Cerpa, 31 were united in front of The capital was the first in the mostly a former professional player, but says government offices under a banner that Roman Catholic country to approve he is glad to have a great opportunity read “Civil Union Law: Your right to such a law. A similar measure went into like this. choose.â€? Throughout the day, around 10 effect in January in the northern state of “There are a lot of spaces for the gay couples exchanged vows in the city. Coahuila and a lesbian couple registered development of sports for heterosexuThe new law took effect on Friday their union shortly thereafter. als, but we gays don’t have that,â€? he and grants same-sex couples inheriThe Catholic Church in Mexico has told the Santiago Times. “This is tance rights and social benefits similar spoken out forcefully against the law. UNT686SL07_Salt_Lake_Q_pub_ad 3/19/07 11:18 AM Page our1space, and when we play, there’s to those enjoyed by married heterosexnobody shouting abuse at us from the sidelines.â€? The IGLF World Cup will take place Sept. 23–29. It will host both men’s and women’s teams from already established clubs from England, Iceland, Germany, Mexico, Brazil and the United States.

Mexico City Weds First Gay Couples

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Philippines Chief Warns Gay Cops By Anthony Cuesta

Manila, Philippines — On Mar. 22 the

Philippine National Police warned its gay officers not to sway their hips or demonstrate provocative behavior while on duty or they risk losing their jobs. “If they sway their hips while marching, or if they engage in lustful conduct, I think that will be ground for separation� from the service, Chief Supt. Samuel Pagdilao told the Philippine Star. Still, the PNP says that homosexuals are welcome to join the police force, provided that they refrain from “immoral and indecent� behavior. “As an institution, the PNP does not look at or interfere with one’s sexual preference,� Pagdilao told Manila Radio DZXL. “But it does look at its members’ conduct. If they behave within the norm, I don’t think we’ll have a problem.� He also said cross-dressers are definitely not allowed in the police force. The PNP was established as an institution in the late 1980s. There are 119,000 members of the PNP, 10 percent of whom are women, in the 16 regions in the country. Although the Philippines has a reputation for tolerance toward homosexuality, a party representing lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people was recently refused registration for May congressional elections on the grounds that it does not have nationwide chapters. Its members are appealing.

Poland Quashes ‘Homosexual Propaganda’ in Schools Warsaw, Poland — Teachers who pro-

mote gay rights in schools risk losing their jobs under regulations currently being drawn up by the Poland’s Ministry of Education. The proposed regulations do not sanction the firing of homosexual teachers, Deputy Education Minister Miroslaw Orzechowski told Polish Radio. Only teachers who “present homosexuality as an alternative lifestyle to students� — as well as those who sanction or have been convicted of pedophilia — are at risk of losing their jobs. “There is no place for the promotion of homosexual culture� in Polish schools, Orzechowski said. “No one is going to ask whether a teacher is homosexual,� he added. “However, if a person with such leanings would want to promote homosexuality in school, and I’m not talking about inducing a child to such deeds, well then there’s no place for such a person in school.� The country’s Ministry of Education is also working on additional legislation that would sanction school principals who allow gay rights organizations to speak with students. Responsible for both pieces of legislation is Roman Giertych, Poland’s controversial Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Education. “The propaganda of homosexuality is reaching ever younger children,� Giertych said during a recent meeting of EU education ministers in Germany. Poland’s Campaign Against Homophobia has sharply criticized the government’s recent moves in general and Orzechowski’s comments in particular. “‘Homosexual propaganda’ is an idea as absurd as ‘heterosexual propaganda’,� the organization said in a statement. “One cannot fight with homosexuality, but one can fight with homophobia, of which the Education Ministry presents a radical form.� Teachers and gay rights groups protested the proposed regulations on Mar. 17. They demanded Giertych’s dismissal and accused his proposal of promoting intolerance.

Tobago Church Leaders Seek Ban on Elton John By Anthony Cuesta

Conservative church leaders in Tobago are trying to ban Sir Elton John from their Caribbean island because he is gay.

The star is due to play at Plymouth Jazz Festival in Tobago in April, but church authorities say his presence might tempt local people to become homosexual. The Archdeacon of Trinidad and Tobago, Philip Isaac, said the singer’s lifestyle failed to conform to Biblical teaching. “The artist is one of God’s children and while his lifestyle is questionable he needs to be ministered unto,� The Sydney Morning Herald quotes Isaac saying on Mar. 16. “His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle.� Isaac also said he wants to “save� Elton, whose marriage to David Furnish in 2005 he condemns. Q

National Federal Hate Crimes Bill Reintroduced

OR TO SPONS IS PROUD

Solmonese: Hate Crimes ‘terrorize communities’

Washington D.C. — On Mar. 19 Reps. John Conyers, D-Mich., and Mark Kirk, R-Ill., reintroduced the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes

Reps. John Conyers (above) and Mark Kirk (right).

Coming Nov. 2–8

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Prevention Act, a critical piece of legislation providing local police and sheriff’s departments with federal resources to combat hate violence, in the U.S House of Representatives. Gay-rights groups such as the Human Rights Campaign and the Matthew Shepard Foundation hailed the bill’s introduction and joined with more than 210 law enforcement, civil rights, civic and religious organizations actively supporting its passage. More than 100 other members of Congress joined Conyers and Kirk in introducing the bipartisan bill. The Senate is expected to introduce a bipartisan companion bill this month. “Each year, thousands of Americans are violently attacked just because they are black, female, Christian or gay. These crimes not only harm individuals, but they terrorize entire communities. It’s the responsibility of our government to protect all Americans. After more than a decade of delay, it’s time for Congress to provide local police and sheriffs’ departments with the tools and resources they need to put away society’s most vicious criminals,” Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese said in a release. “The reintroduction of the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act in the House of Representatives last night marks a very important moment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community,” said Judy Shepard, executive director of the Matthew Shepard Foundation and mother of Matthew Shepard, in a separate release. “For far too long violence motivated by hatred against GLBT individuals has gone unrecognized by the federal government as well as many local agencies.” “The LLEHCPA will provide local law enforcement with the added resources and support needed for investigating and prosecuting serious hate crimes that are not currently

included in existing law,” she continued. “The investigation of Matthew’s murder and the trial of his killers cost Albany County, Wyoming more than $150,000. This unplanned financial burden forced the Sheriff’s Department to furlough five of its employees. If the LLEHCPA had been the law of the land in 1998, this reduction in vital staff could have been averted, while still ensuring that justice was served for my son.” Because there is no federal law mandating states and municipalities to report hate crimes, they are often underreported. However, the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s own statistics, based on voluntary reporting, show that since 1991, more than 100,000 hate crime offenses have been reported to the FBI, with 7,163 reported in 2005, the FBI’s most recent reporting period. Violent crimes based on sexual orientation constituted 14.2 percent of all hate crimes in 2005, with 1,017 reported for the year. The LLEHCPA gives the Justice Department the power to investigate and prosecute bias-motivated violence where the perpetrator has selected the victim because of the person’s actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. It provides the Justice Department with the ability to aid state and local jurisdictions either by lending assistance or, where local authorities are unwilling or unable, by taking the lead in investigations and prosecutions of violent crimes resulting in death or serious bodily injury that were motivated by bias. It also makes grants available to state and local communities to combat violent crimes committed by juveniles, train law enforcement officers or assist in state and local investigations and prosecution of bias-motivated crimes. A wide coalition of national organizations has called for the passage of the LLEHCPA legislation. Some of those supporting this legislation include: the National Sheriffs Association, the International Association of Chiefs of Police, 31 state attorneys general and the National District Attorneys Association. Both the Senate and House have voted in favor of legislation to combat bias-motivated violence in the prior Congresses. Most recently in the 109th Congress, the House of Representative approved its hate crimes bill as an amendment on a bipartisan vote of 223 to 199. House and Senate votes were held in the 106th and 108th Congresses as well. In the 108th Congress, the Senate passed the measure by an overwhelming vote of 65-33, with 18 Senate Republicans voting yes, and the House approved it on a bipartisan vote of 213186, with 31 Republicans voting yes.

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News

Nebraska Considers Gay Adoption

National

Gay Senior’s Death May Change Hate Crime Laws Detroit, Mich. — Seventy-two-year-old Detroit resident Andrew Anthos died Feb. 23 after being attacked because he was gay. As a result, there has been a push to change both national and state hate crime laws so they protect gay people of all ages. Anthos was attacked on Feb. 13 while singing softly on a bus. A man asked him whether he was gay and then called him a gay slur. Anthos paid the man no attention, but the man walked toward him once he got off the bus and attacked him with a pipe. Anthos died ten days later after being in a coma. The attacker’s identity has yet to be discovered, though police do have a

composite sketch. Although the police have still not determined whether or not it was a hate crime, the answer seems obvious to Anthos’ cousin Athena Fedenis. “He wasn’t robbed, nothing was touched,” she told the AP. “It was strictly a hate crime.” Michigan State Senator Hansen Clarke, who wants to change Michigan’s Ethnic Intimidation Act to include protections for sexual orientation and gender identity, said that “the whole point is making sure that people have equal rights in the legal system, people aren’t picked on or threatened just because they look or act differently.” Carl Levin, a US democratic senator from Michigan mentioned Anthos when he made a statement this March regarding the imminent reintroduction of the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act. “Besides expanding the definition of hate crimes to include gays, lesbians and others, it would allow the federal government to help local law enforcement investigate hate crimes,” he said.

Lincoln, Neb. — A bill in front of Nebraska’s legislature would let not just gays and lesbians but all unmarried couples jointly adopt children. LB 571 seeks to clean up Nebraska’s current laws on unmarried couples adopting. The Nebraska Supreme Court has said that if an unmarried person wants to adopt, that person’s partner has to relinquish parental rights. This does not apply to stepparents, however, who can adopt their husband’s or wife’s kids, without the husband or wife giving away the right of being a parent, so long as the child’s second parent has relinquished his or her right to be a parent. Currently, Nebraska’s law says that a person, or people, may adopt. The courts are still trying to figure out if that statement permits joint adoptions by a couple who isn’t married. Some are not pleased with this bill. “We don’t believe the State of Nebraska should experiment with the well-being of children,” Jim Cunningham, executive director of the Nebraska Catholic Conference, told the Omaha World-Herald. Dave Bydalek from Family First told the paper that there are same-sex couples who can be good parents. But he also told the publication that Nebraska shouldn’t keep a child from having a mother and father by allowing same-sex parents to adopt. Those in favor of the bill told the paper that LB 571 would benefit children by letting them get health insurance from both parents and child support from either if the partners break up. Most importantly, if one parent dies, the child does not go into foster care; instead, he or she is given to the other parent As of Mar. 20, the Judiciary Committee was holding hearings for the bill, including testimony from a lesbian couple’s 11-year-old adopted daughter.

Illinois One Step Closer to Civil Unions Chicago, Ill. — Illinois is on its way to joining New Jersey, Connecticut and Vermont as states that offer the marriage alternative of civil unions to same-sex couples. The House Human Services Committee passed House Bill 1826, also known as the Religious Freedom and Civil Union Act, on Mar. 21 by a vote of 5–4. The legislation, sponsored by state Rep. Greg Harris, D-Chicago, extends a comprehensive package of basic legal protections and responsibilities traditionally offered through marriage to couples, including same-sex couples, who enter into a civil union in Illinois. House Bill 1826 also codifies existing constitutional protections for religious denominations across Illinois, reinforcing the right of any religious organization to determine those marriage ceremonies that denomination will recognize or perform. “Illinois is a heartland state but has always been a leader in civil rights and social justice issues,” Harris said. “It’s the right thing to do.” Gay rights groups were quick to applaud Harris’ efforts and the passage of the bill. “Lambda Legal applauds the bill’s authors for addressing some of the serious threats that same-sex couples face everyday when they can’t get married,” said Jim Bennett, regional director of Lambda Legal’s Midwest Regional

Office in Chicago. “By not even offering the most basic protections, Illinois views same-sex couples, some together for decades, as strangers under the law. “The way to correct this injustice is to treat all of us fairly and equally — by allowing committed same-sex couples to marry,” he added. “But until we reach the goal of marriage equality, efforts such as House Bill 1826 help reduce the harms to loving families by offering some critical legal protections that help our state take better care of all our citizens.” Illinois’ same-sex couples could find themselves one step closer to marriage equality should the bill make its way to the desk of Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who has already indicated his support of such legislation.

Chicago Students Sue Over AntiGay Shirt Ban By Anthony Cuesta

Chicago, Ill. — Two Chicago students are suing their high school in U.S. District court for banning one of them from wearing an anti-gay T-shirt last year. Heidi Zamecnik, 17, of Naperville, and Alexander Nuxoll, 14, of Bolingbrook — students at Neuqua Valley High School in Naperville — filed the lawsuit on Mar. 21 seeking court permission to openly express their opinions on homosexuality during the National Day of Silence, scheduled for Apr. 18. Zamecnik is represented by the Alliance Defense Fund, a national organization based in Arizona that has filed at least eight similar lawsuits across the country, said Gary McCaleb, senior counsel for the group. In response to a Day of Silence event, when students can refrain from speaking as an effort to protest discrimination against homosexuals, Zamecnik wore a shirt that read “MY DAY OF SILENCE, STRAIGHT ALLIANCE” on the front and “BE HAPPY, NOT GAY” on the back. According to the suit, one school administrator ordered Zamecnik to remove the T-shirt and another official ordered her to cross out “NOT GAY” with a marker. The suit alleges Zamecnik suffered unlawful discrimination and humiliation because school officials didn’t agree with her viewpoint. Nuxoll did not attend the school at the time of the incident. “At its core, this is about students’ fundamental right to express their beliefs, no matter how controversial or whether they are in the minority or not,” Nate Kellum, an Alliance Defense Fund attorney in Memphis, Tenn., who is representing the two students, told ABC News. “This is a fundamental First Amendment issue.” Zamecnik and her parents reportedly tried to discuss the incident with school officials. McCaleb said the parents also tried to work out an agreement that would allow their daughter to wear a similar T-shirt following next month’s Day of Silence.

N.M. Senate Kills 4"7& ("4 Regional Domestic Partner Bill 5",& 5)& #64 Colorado Episcopal 5TAH Parish Secedes

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Denver, Colo. — On Mar. 26 the governing board of one of Colorado’s largest Episcopal parishes voted to secede from the Diocese of Colorado and the national church. “The national church and the House of Bishops have made it clear there’s no place or tolerance for conservative, orthodox Episcopalians,� the Rev. Don Armstrong, pastor of Grace and St. Rev. Don Armstrong Stephen’s parish in Colorado Springs, told The Rocky Mountain News. On the same day, the 2,000 member parish was accepted into the Convocation of Anglicans in North America, a breakaway association of conservative Anglican churches under the jurisdiction of the province of Nigeria and headed by Nigerian Archbishop Peter Akinola. Several parishes have joined CANA over the larger Episcopal Church’s acceptance of gay bishops and the blessing of same-sex unions. In a September, 2006 message to the nation of Nigeria Akinola called homosexuality an “evil� and “a perversion of human dignity.� Akinola has also applauded the Nigerian government’s passage of a controversial bill criminalizing gay sex and the formation of any gay club or society. The parish’s secession echoes the split in worldwide split in the Anglican Communion which has become more pronounced since the election of openly-gay Bishop Gene V. Robinson to the diocese of New Hampshire in 2003. Armstrong lost the 2,000-member parish last December. Bishop Rob O’Neill removed him from office pending an investigation of what the diocese called “misapplied funds�. O’Neill has removed all members of the vestry from office and declared the parish the diocese’s property. “The fact is people may leave The Episcopal Church, but parishes cannot,� O’Neill said. “Grace and St. Stephen’s Church remains a parish of the Episcopal Diocese of Colorado.� Still, Armstrong said he will hold services at the church in spite of O’Neill’s orders not to during the investigation. Additionally, the vestry board has mailed parishioners letters. They will have 40 days to decide whether they want to continue attending the church or go to another church.

Santa Fe, N.M. — New Mexico Republicans have sent Gov. Bill Richardson a harsh message on gay rights just as he was preparing to claim success in pushing through a domestic partner bill in speeches to gay rights groups in Las Vegas and Los Angeles. Richardson, who is seeking the Democratic nomination for President, had hoped to use passage of the partner legislation to garner support from the gay community. He recalled the legislature and last week the measure passed the House. But on the weekend the Senate refused to deal with it and six other bills the governor wanted passed. As soon as the Senate was called to order in special session on Saturday Republicans immediately moved to adjourn. With the help of three Democrats the motion was accepted and the Senate rose. The Senate is scheduled to reconvene on Thursday, March 28 but only if the House remains in session. Since the lower house has completed its work in the special session it is unknown if representatives will decide to stay in session in an attempt to force the Senate to act. But even then, the Senate could continue to adjourn itself without taking up any of the bills. Democratic and GOP leaders are slated to meet early this week in an effect to resolve the impasse. Richardson has denied any connection with the recall of the legislature to deal with the partner bill and his weekend appearance at gay events, but Republicans accuse him of forcing lawmakers to return to Santa Fe just to look good to “the gay lobby�. In 2003, Richardson issued an executive order providing state employees, both gay and straight, with the option of providing their partners health insurance through domestic partner coverage. Under the order, domestic partner coverage is not available to employees after they retire, while spousal coverage is provided. Late last year he joined gay activists in calling for a statewide domestic partner law that would provide the same benefits as marriage. The measure passed the House but the Senate stripped out many of the bill’s provisions, making it according to gay rights groups meaningless. When the revised bill returned the House the original language was restored but the session ended before the Senate could vote again and the bill died when the regular session ended. Last week in its special session the House again passed the measure sending it to the Senate. Unless the Senate deals with the bill it will die again when the session ends.

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JOSELLE VANDERHOOFT

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believed in the LDS church, he said that the school had to make a public apology for the controversial electroshock therapy treatments it administered to gay men in the 1970s — treatments which were responsible for such things as depression, physical damage and suicide. “I worry BYU is more concerned in maintaining its image than in the truth and apologizing for mistakes,” said Call. Call also spoke about how the school’s treatment of gay students made him ask several questions about his religion. He read from the journal of his ancestor, Anson Call, a friend of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith who was imprisoned with Smith in Liberty, Missouri. Anson’s journal detailed the persecutions of Mormons in Missouri, including how they were driven from the town and forced to meet to worship in secret. “I’ll let you use your imagination as to how this applies to this situation,” Call said. Jackson, who joined in Soulforce’s

demonstration at the school in 2006, spoke next. She said she wanted to draw attention to the fear that many gay students feel at BYU and to the high percentage of suicides among gay Mormons in Utah. “This fear has prevented me from fully participating in my own life, in expressing who I am and in feeling like I belong to my family and my church,” she said. “To combat that fear we need to speak. We need to end silence that is oppressing us and keeping us in the closet of fear. We need to help others understand where we are coming from.” The BYU protest marked the end of Soulforce’s three-day stay in Utah. During this time, the riders gave presentations on such things as transgender identity and progressive spirituality at Utah Valley State College, the Provo Public Library and the Sacred Light of Christ Metropolitan Community Church in Salt Lake City. The 2007 Equality Ride will also visit BYU’s Rexburg, Idaho campus from April 16-17.

Utah’s Gay Community Joins Riders by JoSelle Vanderhooft joselle@qsaltlake.com

Soulforce Equality Ride participants sing a song onstage during a rally near Brigham Young University.

Equality Rider, Mother Arrested at BYU by JoSelle Vanderhooft joselle@qsaltlake.com

Although administrators forbade them from setting foot on campus, the twenty four riders on the 2007 Equality Ride’s westbound bus visited Brigham Young University on Thursday, March 22. After parking their bus in nearby Kiwanis Park, the riders unloaded their supplies — Soulforce literature, bottled water and tables — under one of the park’s many pavilions. This served as a rest spot for riders and for the community members who joined them during the day. Although most of the Riders spent the day walking around BYU’s perimeter in hopes of engaging students and faculty in discussion, two people were arrested for entering campus. Rider Kourt Osborn of Kanab walked onto campus with his mother Karel Allen in hopes of speaking with Janet Scharman, BYU’s vice president of student life. They carried a wooden box containing 55 pages of grievances against the university written by current and former gay students and their loved ones and a single Easter lily — to symbolize the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students at the university who have committed suicide. Amid a forest of television cameras and the flash of cameras, the two stepped onto campus and were met by Associate Dean of Students Jonathan Kau, who gave them their first trespassing warning. BYU police chief Larry Stott stopped them next, and when they refused to leave, BYU officer Norm Soakai stopped them shortly after. He escorted Osborn and Allen to a nearby van for processing at 11:15 AM, and they were released immediately with a trespassing citation and a court date for April 25. Wick Thomas, a Rider and the ride’s police liaison, said that the police department treated Osborn and his mother with respect and sensitivity. No other arrests were made.

“It was powerful for me that his mom joined,” said Thomas. “That wasn’t planned. IT was an act of solidarity for all of us on the ride.” Indeed, Allen’s participation came at the last minute, and all because of her tireless efforts to find the lily for her son. “Yesterday [west bus co-director] Haven [Herrin] and I were talking about today’s strategy, and she was amazed how my mom was helping us. So she said, ‘how would your mom feel about participating with us tomorrow?’ I said, ‘I don’t know. I’ll call her.’” “Earlier I knew Kourt was nervous, so I asked if he wanted me to join him,” Allen said. “I was kind of just joking around, but at midnight I got a call saying yes, he wanted me to come.” “I wanted to support Kourt and the cause,” she continued. “I was nervous, but willing to do what I could do. It was an easy decision but it was scary to think what might happen.” Although BYU spokeswoman Carri Jenkins told The Salt Lake Tribune BYU administration had not been asked to meet with any member of the Equality Ride, Osborn said this wasn’t the case. “Last week we did have a hope that Jan Scharman would come down to speak with us, but through some correspondence that happened we learned this wouldn’t happen,” he said. According to Herrin, the complete list of grievances will be published in a forthcoming issue of Sunstone Magazine, an LDS scholarly journal. The demonstration ended at 5:00 p.m. with a rally in Kiwanis Park attended by 100, including riders, community members and some BYU students, two of whom spoke. Tristan Call, a straight BYU student with a lesbian sister, read from his letter— one of the ones Osborn and Allen had tried to deliver that morning. Although Call said he respected BYU and

The 24 young adults on the 2007 Equality Ride’s westbound bus weren’t alone during their day at Brigham Young University. During their six hour walk around the Mormon-owned campus’ perimiter, the riders were joined by locals of all orientations, ages and religious affiliations. Some wore red to symbolize solidarity and many had ties to BYU as a former student or the family or friend of one. In fact, one small group of local walkers had one of each. Mark Packer, his step-daughter Jessica Horstmanshoff and their friend Daisy Krakowiak came to BYU to talk to students about the school’s policies. Packer, 54, is a former BYU student who didn’t come out until long after graduation and Krakowiak, 20, has family and friends who attended. Like many students the riders went to BYU to meet, 27-year-old Hortsmanshoff’s father and Packer’s former partner attended the school while deeply in the closet. “His bishop told him to get married and have kids,” she explained. But the bishop’s recommendation didn’t work, she added. Her parents divorced when she was seven years old. “The church helped my mother leave him, but they didn’t offer anything past that,” said Horstmanshoff, who is bisexual. “They didn’t offer her counseling to help her deal with her emotions. She had all these ideas about marriage, that she’d have kids and a white picket fence.” For Hortsmanshoff, BYU’s policy about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students is a family issue in another important way: her brother is also gay and so are two of her uncles and an aunt. And although only her father attended the school, the church’s treatment of her family impacted her life in other ways. She said when some family members discovered the reason for the divorce the news soon got out. “I was called things like “child of a fag” at school,” Hortsmanshoff said. “I eventually stopped going to church. I thought, ‘Why should I support a religion that hates my father?’” Krakowiak also knew gay BYU students when she attended the school’s ballroom dance program as a high school student. “A lot of my friends came out after the program,” she said. “I felt bad

that they had to suppress who they were to come to the program.” Although the three drove down to Happy Valley to talk to students, they had little luck during the first half of the day. “Most have walked by staring at their newspapers or with their headphones on,” Krakowiak said. “I think most of them didn’t know we were part of a group because we’re [such a small group],” Packer added. “I’m not exactly happy with how they [the riders] organized this. We’re not even noticible.” Although they weren’t wearing red, two walkers were more noticible. Kevin Hacker and his boyfriend Jeffrey Richards walked around the school’s perimiter holding hands. “We get a lot of weird weird looks and people walking wide around us,” Hacker laughed. “But we’ve had a lot of people honking and waving, too. I didn’t expect that.” In fact, two such drivers showed their support as the pair walked up West Campus Drive. Although they didn’t speak to many students, prefering to defer to the Equality Riders walking with them, Hacker said the exchanges between Riders and students had been civil. “I kind of think the students were briefed before hand,” he said. “We didn’t get many people asking why we were here.” As the day wore on, Hortsmanshoff’s group’s luck also changed. When the three stopped to have ice cream at the university’s creamery they met three Mormon missionaries who were travelling together because of an odd number of missionaries in their program. “They asked, ‘What are you doing down here today?’ I said, ‘Well, I’m with a group that’s trying to get equality for gay and lesbian students.’ I said, ‘I’m gay myself.’” “The guy didn’t even blink,” he continued. “I was pretty impressed. I ended up giving him a Soulforce pamplet instead of him giving me one of his.” And then there was the gay BYU music student who stopped to talk to them around two o’clock. Packer asked the group a lot of questions and told them some things they didn’t know about the school, including that students were “starting to come out more”. “He also said ‘I’m trying to process things now,” Packer recalled. “He said, “I know I believe in the church, but I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here.”

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Booths at Southern Utah Pride at Zion, including QSaltLake’s booth, at last year’s event. Previous organizers have left the state and the current board is in flux, putting the event in jeopardy.

So. Utah Pride Organization May Fold Those interested are asked to email the existing board at suprideatzion@yahoo. com. or call board president David Ulibarri at 435-862-5816. “Each member of the current board has expressed that, although they are unable to continue in their current position, each is willing to help any incoming members of the new board,” continued the statement.

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Southern Utah may have seen its last Southern Utah Pride @ Zion unless someone steps up to lead the organization. “It is with deep sadness that the Southern Utah Pride at Zion (SUP@Z) Board must inform you that it is unable to continue to serve you as it has this past year,” board members wrote in an open letter to the community. “Each member of the board has been presented with many life choices, as many of you have, and each member of the board is moving in separate directions with each of their lives. It is not that we do not want to continue, but that we are unable to give the time and attention that each role of the board deserves.” The first SUP@Z was organized by Amie Marie and Aimee Selfridge, known in the community as “The Aimees,” in 2003. Held in the city of Springdale, at the mouth of Zion National Park, the festival grew each year, drawing people from around the region, Salt Lake City and Las Vegas. The Aimees split up last year and Selfridge moved to Portland. Several people stepped in to fill their shoes and a flurry of organizational activity happened over the last few months. The board members, however, lost steam and the event took second place in their busy lives. The board will stay active until April 30. If no replacements have been found by that time, the SUP@Z organization will dissolve. The board plans to disperse any funds to the local Parents Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays and the Community Counseling Center of Southern Utah.

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Last year’s Coronation as Emperor XXX Peter ‘Jester’ Savas and Empress XXX Krystyna Shaylee stepped down.

RCGSE Announces Coronation XXXII, Ever After — Fantasies and Fairy Tales

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Emperor 31 Kim Russo and Empress 31 Kyra Prespentte along with the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire invite all to the Court’s 32nd Annual Coronation “Ever After – Fantasies and Fairytales� from May 24-28 at the Sheraton City Centre Hotel, 150 West 500 South. The weekend package including all paid events (a $65 value) is available for $55 via Paypal through the Court’s website, www.rcgse.org. Advertising in the coronation program (8.5 x 11 portrait orientation) are also available. The following rates are and ad sizes are available: Back Cover $125 (8.5 X 11) Inside Front Cover $100 (8.5 X 11) Inside Back Cover $100 (8.5 X 11) Full Page $75 (8.5 X 11) Half Page $50 (8.5 X 5.5) Quarter Page $25 (4.25 X 5.5) Ads should be sent to programads@ rcgse.org. All ads must be camera ready with a one-inch border and must be paid with a court check, money order, or by PayPal and must be paid in full to be included in the program. For hotel reservations, call 800-3253535 or 801-401-2000 and mention the RCGSE when making reservations. Room rates per night are $69 per regular room and $95 per suite. Participants are asked to bring their own make up towels. Deadline for rooms is April 25. Coronation 32 is in celebration of the Court’s Anniversary Monarchs Emperor 1, Pepper Prespentte, Triple Decade Emperor, Member of the Founders Table for the RCGSE; the Memory of Empress 1, Deanna, Triple Decade Empress, Member of the Founders Table

for the RCGSE; the Memory of Emperor 11, Rob Bullock, Double Decade Emperor; Empress 11, Clariss Cartier, Double Decade Empress; Emperor 21, Adam Gantz, Decade Emperor and Empress 21, Tasha Montiel, Decade Empress. For More information please visit the Court’s website at www.rcgse.org or you email the ball chair, Krystyna Shaylee, directly at president@rcgse.org.

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Theatre Ensemble Announces Auditions, Call for Monologues

2007 Mountain West Flag Football League Starts Up

The Pinnacle Acting Company, Uah’s newest theatre company dedicated to educational, ensemble-oriented approaches to local theatre, will hold auditions for its production of Charlotte Delbo’s Who Will Carry the Word on April 21 at the Midvale Performing Arts Center, 695 West Center Street (7720 South), from 4:00 to 7:00 pm. The play details the playwright and memoirist’s experiences in Auschwitz, the Nazi concentration camp where she was sent in 1943 for her work with the French Resistance. The play was most recently performed by the University of Utah’s theatre department as part of their 2003-2004 season. According to Pinnacle artistic director Jared Larkin, this will be a unique production of Who Will Carry the Word. It will not only include contemporary dance, but “contemporary war monologues� written by local playwrights. “By including monologues of modern day, personal battles such as self-image, peer pressure, sexual orientation, and other ‘contemporary wars,’ we’re hoping to put a real face on the battles we all fight on a daily basis,� he said. Community members are invited and encouraged to submit their contemporary war monologues to Pinnacle Acting Company for inclusion in the production? Monologues should be five to ten minutes in length and should be emailed to info@pinnacleactingcompany.com by April 14.

Starting March 27 the Salt Lake City Gay Athletic Association and Mountain West Flag Football League will hold spring flag football pick-up games every Tuesday at Sugarhouse Park at 6 PM. The league invites players of all ages and experience levels to attend. Coaches will be present to organize teams and teach rules. The organized fall league will start in July. For more information call 897-2211 or visit the league’s site at mwffl.org or the athletic association’s website at slcgaa.org.

Gay Historian Speaks at U Social and cultural historian George Chauncey, author of the award-winning cultural history book Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, 1890-1940 on March 29 at 4PM in the University of Utah’s Language and Communications building as part of the Bullogh Lecture Series.

Chauncey, whose research and teachings focus on urbanism, gender, sexuality, subjectivity and social movements in the 20th century, will speak about The Strange Career of the Closet: Gay Male Culture and Politics from the Second World War to the Gay Liberation Era, the long-awaited follow-up to 1994’s Gay New York. He is also the author of Why Marriage? The History Shaping Today’s Debate over GayEquality (2004) and co-editor of Hidden From History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past (1989) with Martin Baumi Duberman and Martha vicinus. The talk will be held in 1110 LNCO Auditorium (very close to OSH Hall) on the University of Utah campus.

Gay-Welcoming Church Sponsors Retreat The Holladay United Church of Christ, an affirming church, will hold a retreat from May 11-13 to help attendees gain greater understanding of the intersections between sexuality and spirituality, and how these two aspects of life can be placed in balance.

The retreat, titled “Intersections: Exploring the Places Where Our Lives Come Together,� will feature workshops and discussions in an open and gay-affirming environment. It will also include a Friday night wine and cheese social with guest speaker Ann Hanson, the UCC’s national Minister for Children, Family, and Human Sexuality Advocacy. The retreat will begin with check-in on Friday at 6:30 PM and conclude at noon on Sunday. The cost for the weekend is $25, or $15 for students and those unable to pay full price. The cost includes the Friday social, three meals on Saturday and Sunday breakfast. The registration deadline is April 22, and late registrations are $35. The retreat is open to adults age 19 and over. For more information, email Jack Lewis at jack.lewis@utah.edu. For online registration visit rmcucc. org/ 2007%20Camper%20Registration% 20Form. pdf under the heading Open and Affirming Retreat.

For more information about upcoming productions or submissions for Who Will Carry The Word?, call J. Michael Bailey at 309-8934 or email info@pinnacleactingcompany.com.

Center Needs Queer Prom Sponsors This year, the Utah Pride Center anticipates that a record number of 700-800 youth will attend Queer Prom – more than their budget for the event can accommodate. To help make the night the special event for queer youth, the Center asks community members to sponsor a couple by making a donation of an amount that would pay for a fun night on the town for two. To make donations, contact Marina at marina@utahpridecenter.org. Interested parties may sponsor one couple or multiple couples. Queer prom allows all youths to attend a fancy dress event with a date of their choice. Food and decorations are provided. The event was begun in 2004.

The S.J. Quinney College of Law at the University of Utah and the Gay & Lesbian Law Alliance invites the gay and lesbian community to a reception followed by a colloquium with Distinguished Alumna-in-Residence Kate Kendell on April 5. The reception will be held from 2:453:45 with Kendell’s colloquium following promptly until 5:00. The colloquium’s title is “Challenge and Opportunity: Litigating LGBT Issues in the 21st Century�. It will be held in the Borchard Conference Room on the Law School’s 2nd Floor. The reception’s location is still being determined. To RSVP or for further questions email blackd@law.utah.edu.

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Salt Lake City Council Passes Nondiscrimination Ordinance One of Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson’s first acts after being sworn into office in the year 2000 was an executive order protecting gay and lesbian city employees from discrimination. The city council elevated that order to law with little fanfare at their March 8 meeting. Anderson ordered in 2000 that, “Salt Lake City Corporation employees shall not discriminate against an otherwise qualified employee or applicant based on race, color, national origin, sex, religion, age, veteran status, sexual orientation, or disability.” “It’s a wonderful demonstration of how our community has come to understand that discrimination against people based on sexual orientation is wrong,” former Councilwoman Deeda Seed told the Salt Lake Tribune of the 6-1 vote for the ordinance. A similar law passed by an outgoing council ten years ago, but the incoming council immediately repealed the ordinance. Councilman Carlton Christensen, who cast the lone “no” vote this year, also cast a no vote, along with mayoral candidate Keith Christensen.

Carlton Christensen has said that he is deeply concerned about gay and lesbian employees facing a hostile environment, but he believes the ordinance is more about recognition of gays and lesbians than about protecting employees from discrimination. He also retorted that he is more concerned that obese people are being discriminated against by the mayor’s office. He told a Salt Lake Tribune writer that a “slew of secretaries that have gone through the mayor’s office, I haven’t seen one that’s 25 pounds overweight.” Anderson called the charge “absolutely absurd. That is the stupidest thing that’s come out of his mouth.” Christensen apologized for the quip and the mayor thanked him for doing so in a public meeting. Councilwoman Nancy Saxton drove the vote for the ordinance, which Anderson called political posturing. “Sometimes it’s just going to take time for people to come along,” Saxton said. “It behooves us a leaders in our community to give them special protection when it’s not explicit in our constitutional rights.”

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John Amaechi to Marshal Pride Parade, Sheena Easton and Envogue to Perform at the Utah Pride Festival Utah Pride organizers are anticipating tremendous growth for this year’s annual festival and parade, with an estimate of over 35,000 participants in a three-day festival. Yes, you read that right. The festival is three days long, opening Friday night at 6:00pm and closing Sunday night at 6:00pm. Booths will be open and performers will be onstage all through the weekend.

Tickets AND PASSES A variety of ticket options will be available on the event’s website at utahpride. org and range from $5 for entrance into the festival Sunday (the same as last year) and go all the way up to a VIP “Pride Gold Passport” of $100 or Pride Passport at $40 for the whole weekend.

Celebrity Line-up The organizers say they are taking pride entertainment “to new heights” and announced that Sheena Easton and Envogue will perform on Friday and Saturday nights, respectively, and the Pride Parade Grand Marshal will be former Utah Jazz player John Beer Amaechi, who came out publicly earlier this year. Easton is a Scottish singer and actress who became Event sponsor Bud Light will head the a hit in the U.S. in 1980 and 1981 with her songs “(My Beer Garden again this year and, like last year, you Baby Takes the) Morning Train” and “For Your Eyes will be able to imbibe anywhere within the fenced Only.” In 2001, she released an album titled “Fabuarea (provided, of course, that you are of age to lous” and has become a minor gay icon, playing at drink). New this year is a cocktail lounge as well that many gay pride festivals around the world. will be restricted to those with a Pride Passport. En Vogue is a Grammy-nominated female disco/ R&B quartet who blasted onto the scene in 1990 with PARADE a hit titled “Hold On.” Their debut album, “Born to This year’s parade will follow the same timing and Sing,” went platinum in 1990 as well. route as previous years. Unlike Grand Marshal John Amaechi last year, the end of the parade has been in the news worldwide route is not required to disburse over the past few months as he before the Trax line on Fourth came out as a gay man in his book South, but will flow right onto the “Man in the Middle.” He was a festival grounds on Second East. Utah Jazz player and also played The parade will begin at 10:00am Friday June 1 for the Clevland Cavaliers, ando at Third South and State Street, Festival grounds open from 6–11:00pm Magicm Houston Rockets and a Grand Marshal VIP Reception at 6:15pm head north to North Temple then number of European teams. While Sheena Easton Concert at 8:00pm east to Second West and finally not tourin around the world for south through Fourth South. Saturday, June 2 book signings, he owns an execuFestival grounds open from 11am–11pm Tea Party tive training company in London En Vogue concert at 8:00pm Also new this year is a Tea Party called Animus Consulting. He Pride Dance at 10:00pm Sunday night. Local bar ownis also involved with the ABC ers are sponsoring the event and Foundation in Manchester, which Sunday, June 2 are still seeking a venue. The encourages children to become Parade starts at 10:00am party will begin at 5:00pm and last Festival grounds open from 11am–6pm involved in sports and their comthrough 10:00pm. A Tea Party runs from 5–10pm munities by building youth sports centers throughout the United Pride organizers are reaching Kingdom. out to include various aspects of Theme the community in planning this year’s festival and Utah Pride is following the international gay pride parade. They are hoping to make it even more of a theme of “United for Equality.” Hundreds of cities community event. around the world will have the same theme (see side For more information, their website will soon be up at story). utahpride.org.

Utah Pride Tentative Schedule:

Sponsorship Utah Pride is currently seeking corporate and other sponsors to help fund the event, Four levels of sponsorship are available ranging from $2,500 to $15,000. Media and trade sponsorships start at $500. Circle of Pride If you would like to help support the Utah Pride Festival on a personal basis, the Utah Pride Center is offering the Circle of Pride Program. Supporters can donate anything between $50 and $1000. In return, supporters get a variety of perks which are listed on their website.

They are also listed in festival kiosks and in the Center’s annual report.

Community Partners Local organizations may join with pride and volunteer for various activities. Utah Pride will offer $200 in cash plus a percentage of Pride profits. Booths Exhibitor booths are $400 for businesses or $250 for non-profit organizations, though groups who want to bring their own tent, table and chairs can save $105 of that cost. Applications and full payment must be in by May 1. Pride Parade The annual Pride Parade is touted as one of the largest parades held in Salt Lake City.

Applications are being accepted for parade participants through May 25. Costs range from $75 for nonprofit organizations to $150 for local businesses and $250 for national or franchised businesses. Rates go up after May 4. As with last year, all parade entries must keep moving forward, meaning no stationary maneuvers or delays will be allowed. All maneuvers must be performed “on the move.” The parade will be held Sunday, June 3 at 10:00 a.m. The parade route is the same as previous years.

Forms are now available at the Utah Pride website at utahpride.org.

En Vogue

Pride Dates Worldwide Brooklyn N.Y. Feb. 10 Tampa Fla. Feb. 24 Carol City Fla. Mar. 03 Fort Lauderdale Fla. Mar. 10 Los Angeles Calif. Mar. 25 Mobile Ala. Apr. 14 Phoenix Ariz. Apr. 14 Albuquerque N.M. Apr. 20 Northampton Mass. May. 05 Long Beach Calif. May. 19 Wolverhampton U.K. May. 25 Zurich Switz. Jun. 01 St. Petersburg Fla. Jun. 01 Boston Mass. Jun. 01 Charleston W.Va. Jun. 01 Luxembourg Lux. Jun. 02 Fresno Calif. Jun. 02 Brooklyn N.Y. Jun. 02 Tulsa OK Jun. 02 Erie Pa. Jun. 02 Austin Tex. Jun. 02 Little Rock AR Jun. 03 Detroit Mich. Jun. 03 S. Paulo SP Jun. 07 S. Paulo SP Jun. 07 So Paulo SP Jun. 07 Los Angeles Calif. Jun. 08 Omaha Neb. Jun. 08 Albuquerque N.M. Jun. 08 Cincinnati Ohio Jun. 08 Milwaukee Wis. Jun. 08 Cabo Frio Brazil Jun. 09 S. Paulo Brazil Jun. 09 Hamilton Canada Jun. 09 Des Moines Iowa Jun. 09 Indianapolis Ind. Jun. 09 Indianapolis Ind. Jun. 09 Cincinnati Ohio Jun. 09 Memphis TN Jun. 09 Austin Tex. Jun. 09

Spokane Wash. S. Paulo SP Springfield Mo. Long Island N.Y. Cincinnati Ohio Philadelphia Jun. 10 Montreal Canada Tijuana Mexico Louisville Ky. London U.K. Grand Rapids Jun. 16 Portland Ore. Pittsburgh Pa. Pittsburgh Pa. San Antonio Jun. 16 New York N.Y. Toronto Canada Atlanta Ga. Guadalajara Jun. 23 Houston Tex. Conway Ark. San Francisco Jun. 23 Wilton Manors Jun. 23 Minneapolis Jun. 23 Seattle Wash. Rio de Janeiro Jun. 24 Chicago Ill. Seattle Wash. istanbul Turkey Lansing Mich. London U.K. Modesto Calif. Hartford Conn. Oxford U.K. Rochester N.Y. Miami Beach Jul. 19 San Diego Calif. Traverse City Jul. 22 Windsor Ontario Detroit Mich. Bismarck N.D. Fort Wayne Ind.

Jun. 09 Jun. 10 Jun. 10 Jun. 10 Jun. 10 Pa. Jun. 15 Jun. 15 Jun. 15 Jun. 16 Mich. Jun. 16 Jun. 16 Jun. 16 Tex. Jun. 17 Jun. 22 Jun. 22 Mexico Jun. 23 Jun. 23 Calif. Fla. Minn. Jun. 23 Brazil Jun. 24 Jun. 24 Jun. 27 Jun. 29 Jun. 30 Jun. 30 Jun. 30 Jul. 14 Jul. 14 Fla. Jul. 20 Mich. Jul. 23 Jul. 25 Jul. 27 Jul. 27

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How You and Your Business or Organization Can Get Involved

Sheena Easton

14   ď Ž   Q S A LT L A K E   ď Ž   I S S U E 7 5   ď Ž   A P R I L 1, 2 0 0 7

Opinion

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QSaltLake is proud to sponsor the prizes of this month’s Utah Cyber Slut Bingo A collaborative fund raiser of the Utah Pride Center and the Utah Cyber Sluts.

Friday, April 13 Doors at 6:15, Bingo at 7pm

First Baptist Church 777 South 1300 East Salt Lake City Come early! Tables fill up fast. Theme: Trailer Trash See utahcybersluts.com for more info.

Mountain Meadows Mascara Animal Sex by Ruby Ridge ruby@qsaltlake.com

Oh my God, petals. I walked out in my backyard this morning and witnessed the most appalling sight ever! Two of my pet geese were thrashing about having wild, acrobatic animal sex in their wading pool. I was shocked I tell you. Shocked! It was the most violent, noisy, nonconsensual type of coitus imaginable. And think about it, cherubs, that’s coming from ME!!! All of this mild spring-like weather has got my hormonal menagerie revved up and intent on procreating like crazed bunnies. It’s only April, and I am already playing Planned Parenthood and raiding the nests of my sexually promiscuous ducks and geese. If left alone, my slutty fowls would overpopulate the world like a Utah County Relief Society, so removing their eggs is the only option. The eggs of the ducks I mean, not the eggs of the Utah County Mormon sisters. Although, hhmmmm ‌ now that I think about it, that may not be such a bad idea. No Ruby, that’s bad. It’s those kinds of naughty thoughts that always get you in trouble. It’s no wonder that the poor, defenseless people at Brigham Young University are so terrified of us gay and lesbian folk. Oh, that reminds me. Did you watch the 17 seconds of coverage that Soulforce got with their trespassing protest at BYU? I swear to God, Knut the baby polar bear in Berlin got more air time on our local channels. Given how tepid the BYU

protest appeared and how lame the coverage was, I’m thinking maybe the gay rights movement would get better exposure if baby Knut was put in with the gay penguins. Although you know damn well those penguins would be soooo bitchy. Can’t you just hear them? “Ach du liebe, Siegfried look at Miss Thing. That fur makes his ass look HUGE!!!!� “Ja Roy, I know, and Gott bewahre, wearing white before Easter? That species deserves to become extinct!� Now, before you fire up the angry emails and demand my head on a platter,

I’m thinking maybe the gay rights movement would get better exposure if baby Knut was put in with the gay penguins let me say this. I admire the Soulforce volunteers who confront bias head on, but at the same time I have to wonder what kind of impact they are going to have on BYU or other privately funded religious universities. These institutions have layers (and I do mean LAYERS) of doctrinal and psychological defenses against gays and lesbians. While it may empower the participants, I just don’t believe that a staged photo-op for the media is going to make a dent, or lead to any type of increased dialogue. As a BYU alumnus, I will be the first to admit there are serious problems with BYU’s selective enforcement of the honor code. In fact, let me tell you about one

tragic instance that changed my entire life, destroyed my testimony and those of many of my straight friends at BYU. A member of our ward (and an acquaintance of mine) was hauled into University Standards and interrogated because someone had reported him being at the Sun Tavern (yes, I am that old, so shut your hole!). As part of the investigation he was pressured to name other gays (he didn’t), he was outed to his parents, outed to our ward, expelled from the university, and his transcripts were frozen so he couldn’t transfer to another school. Two weeks later he went back to his home state and committed suicide by jumping off a freeway overpass. Do I have unresolved issues with BYU? You bet I do! But I just don’t think that symbolic protests are an effective way to promote change. They just reinforce negative perceptions of our community and enable BYU to play the victim and circle the wagons (these folks are still pissed at Bryant Gumbel for his Bo-Diddly Tech comment in 1984, for hells sake!). So I have to ask: Has anyone requested a private meeting with BYU officials to discuss our community’s concerns? Is there any mediation coming from GLBTsupportive parents or family groups? Are we giving BYU any opportunity to respond confidentially? Or was this just bad theater? Yes, these people have some serious ’splainin’ to do, but it will never happen in front of a camera crew or in a 20-second piece on the 6 o’clock news. I know I wouldn’t respond to that type of pressure‌ and neither would Knut! Auf Wiedersehen, pumpkins! Ruby Ridge is one of the more opinionated members of the Utah Cyber Sluts, a camp drag group of performers who raise funds and support local charities. Her opinions are her own and fluctuate wildly. She gives the BYU Fight song a whole new dimension ‌�Rise and Shout, the Cougars are REALLY OUT!!!�

LAST CHANCE TO VOTE!

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Ballot on Page 25!

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Queer Gnosis Loving Byron Katie BY TROY WILLIAMS TROY@QSALTLAKE.COM

Confession. A few years back I devoured a lot of self-help books. My life was messy at the time and, well, I was desperate. Most of the books were banal and silly, but one author actually had a positive impact — Byron Katie. Her book, Loving What Is invited me to take serious responsibility for my life. We spoke recently on KRCL’s RadioActive. TROY WILLIAMS: Three years ago, I was absolutely depressed. I was experiencing a lot of anger and I felt like the universe was conspiring to make my life miserable. But, eventually, I found myself with a whole new turnover of friends, and they were all reading Loving What Is. And when everybody around you is reading Byron Katie, you can’t get away with self-pity and being a victim! They start doing the Work on you, and before you know it, you’re back on your feet! BYRON KATIE: Oh Troy, I would love that if

everyone had friends like you do. TW: Yeah, I had this obsessive unrequited crush on a boy that was driving me crazy, and my roommate pulled out her Byron Katie worksheets and started me off on the questions. Soon I’d be off to new crushes and doing fine. BK: Without the pain. And you are clear enough to see it — just loving what is. TW: Yup. True. Take us back to your own experience and how you discovered The Work. BK: I was clinically depressed for over a decade. It’s been referred to as the dark night of soul — well this was the dark decade of the soul! I thought the only way out of this suffering was to die. I was very suicidal. Then one morning as I lay sleeping on the floor, I opened my eyes and in place of the darkness was a joy I cannot describe. I began to laugh because I could see that not one thought I was experiencing was true. The important thing that came out of that — the thing that I want to pass on — is that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered. When I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer. I’ve come to see that this is true for every human being. What I bring to the world is the simplest way to identify and question the thoughts that cause our suffering. It’s four questions and a turnaround.

TW: The primary cause of human suffering on the planet is believing stories, thoughts or ideas about ourselves that aren’t true. Am I hearing you right? BK: Totally. Absolutely. That’s it. What is running through our heads? That is heaven or hell. TW: So if someone is being tormented by thoughts, and god knows I’ve been tormented by mine — BK: It’s the only thing that has ever tormented anyone. TW: Exactly. And sometimes we get obsessive and our thoughts loop like a skip in a record, and you can’t get free of those ideas that are eating away at your brain! So, then, what are the four questions? BK: Okay. First, what is a universal stressful thought? TW: I need to have a boyfriend to be fulfilled. BK: Excellent. You have the belief you need a partner. Let’s look at it. “I need a partner. I need somebody to love me.” The first question: is that true? The second question: can you absolutely know that it’s true that you need a partner? And the third question, how do you react when you believe that thought — I need a partner? What happens to your life? What happens to your physical body in that moment? Do you become depressed? When you meet someone, do you oversell yourself, or become shy and undersell yourself? How do you react? And the fourth question: Who would you be without that thought — I need a partner? And then just sit and be still and see what comes to you. This work is mediation. You sit in these questions and allow your life to unfold in front of you. And then turn it around and find opposites. The opposite is: I don’t need a partner. Wow. Welcome to reality. How do I know I don’t need a partner? I don’t have one. And so, we sit in that. Another turnaround is: I have a partner. Who would that be?

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TW: Me. BK: Me. Who do we wake up with? It’s us. TW: So it’s a good thing if we actually like ourselves … BK: I have found that the ultimate love affair is the relationship we have with our thoughts. So, this work is about loving everything that we think. TW: I’m reminded of a quote from Pema Chodron, “When you make friends with yourselves, you’ll find that the world around you becomes a much friendlier place.” BK: It’s so true. TW: I love your idea that life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you. Over and over, that has been confirmed in my life. Things that I judged as bad, in time, I realized were wonderful and necessary. BK: The Universe was being kind all along, and we’re finally just catching up! TW: There is a line from your new book, A Thousand Names for Joy, “until you can see the enemy as your friend, your work is not done.” That is so counter to how we have been conditioned. BK: We can’t expect our leaders to end war in the world if we can’t end it in our own mind and life. TW: That’s so true! I’ve been on the radio loudly denouncing war, while I’ve had wars with my friends and my family. The irony has never escaped me. BK: So, let me end the war in my own mind and life, and then there is the possibility that war can be ended on the planet. How can I expect other people to do what I’m not willing to do? For more information about Byron Katie visit thework.com. RadioActive airs live M-F from noon to 1pm on KRCL, 90.9 FM. To stream the entire hour-long interview, visit RadioActive online at: krcl.org.

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BY RYAN SHATTUCK

The grass is greener on the other side. Until you cross over and find that the other side actually happens to be Denver. I just recently returned from being out of town for a few days for Spring Break. Cancun? Las Vegas? Acapulco? Hawaii? South Beach? Miami? South Padre Island? Puerto Vallarta? No, I just recently returned from Denver. I spent my Spring Break in Denver. That doesn’t even warrant a joke. While many people recently spent their Spring Break by having a hot, passionate affair with Mexico the Mistress or with Puerto Rico the Prostitute, I, however, just returned from borrowing a cup of sugar from our neighbor, Denver. Nobody spends Spring Break in Denver unless they are, well, me. And let’s be honest — spending Spring Break in Denver makes as much sense as using the Twinkie Defense in the Anna Nicole Smith case. Like many gay men and women living here, I love to complain about how difficult it is to be gay in Salt Lake City. Actually living here makes you realize what an incredibly easy target this place is. Before living in the capital of the

David Samsel Oh, Put a Cock In It! BY DAVID SAMSEL DAVID@QSALTLAKE.COM

leaguered by a twenty-something frat boy on who we were, why were we there, if we were gay, and if we were together. Did it matter? Was it any of his business? Did he ask all out-of-towners? Are rhetorical questions even necessary? I found it frustrating, to say the least. More frustrating than confusing the twelve steps of AA with the seven deadly sins. Trust me when I say that gluttony is not one of the ways you overcome alcoholism. We reached downtown Denver, and after walking along the 16th Street Mall for approximately four minutes (it may have actually been three minutes, but I left my stopwatch at the hotel), we were suddenly accosted by a crazy-appearing woman who started to follow us yelling that “homosexuality is sinful and wrong.” After being judged by a woman who believed she was either a Supreme Court Justice, Jesus or Perez Hilton, we then went to a restaurant where the hostess appeared confused that two men would want to have dinner together. After spending the rest of the weekend being stared at, whispered about, accosted, and called to repentance, we both concluded that while Denver may be enjoyable for broncos, frat boys, Coors beer, and people who live in Denver, it wasn’t enjoyable for out-oftown gay men. Denver opens its arms to the gay community with as much success

as I have mixing metaphors. So, I’ve learned my lesson. Sure, it’s fun to call Salt Lake City ‘four-eyes’ because of her gaudy glasses, and it’s hard to avoid making fun of pudgy Salt Lake City in a game of dodgeball. But it could always be worse — Denver could be looming around the corner, waiting to beat us up after school. While writing this particular article, I performed the modern, quick-and-easy scientific test used to determine something’s relevance: I googled both cities. I did a search for the words “gay denver” and was given 4,100,000 results. I then did a search for the words “gay salt lake city” and was given 4,700,000 results. Is it possible that perhaps “gay salt lake city” brings up more google results because Salt Lake City is more tolerable to the gay community? Seems likely to me. At least as likely as using a go-cart on long stretches of the Iditarod when no one’s looking. We truly do live in a fantastic city. Salt Lake City may not be Provincetown or Fire Island, but it consistently shows up on lists of the top 20 gay-friendly cities in the United States. With a progressive mayor, evolving politics, countless gay resources and opportunities, and a gay community that is more united than in many other metropolitan areas, Salt Lake City truly is a great place for gay and lesbian men and women. I consider myself lucky to be a gay resident. It’s fun to kvetch about Salt Lake City and convince ourselves that the grass is greener on the other side. But it could always be worse. Hello, Denver? I apologize for calling you so late, but I actually don’t think I’ll be needing that cup of sugar after all. Q

I believe there is truth to the saying that we take those things that are a part of our daily lives for granted. This includes the places that surround us. I bet nobody who lives in the Salt Lake Valley looks up every morning at the beautiful Rocky Mountains with the awe that they deserve, the type of awe that they would create inside someone who’d lived their whole life on the flat plains of the Midwest. A simpler example may be illustrated by an experience I had a few years back while in Phoenix, Arizona. My friends took me to a restaurant/martini bar called AZ88. I’d had a martini or three and excused myself to the restroom. When I entered the men’s room and the door closed behind me, I found myself surrounded by more reflective surfaces and stainless steel than is healthy for even the gayest of gay men. I had a spiritual experience in that bathroom ... after which, I couldn’t find the door to get out until someone else came in. Granted, the whole experience was enhanced by a little liquor, but I doubt that any of the people who frequent AZ88 on a regular basis appreciated it the way I did as a visitor. A year from now I will be completing a degree that will enable me to find a job anywhere in this country, from the smallest town to the largest city. I’m currently researching several cities

that I think would be fun to live in. If I decide to move, I’d like to have a pretty good idea of where I am going and what draws me to that particular place. But I can assure you that if I do decide to pack up and go it won’t be because I think I am going to find any better place than Utah — different, of course, but not better. A friend brought to my attention the fact that many people will move in order to “get away” from their past. Running from your past is like trying to lose your shadow: it’s easy in the sunlight, but a lot more difficult when night inevitably sets in. Pasts must be dealt with; they have to be laid out behind you in a way that doesn’t make you afraid to turn around. I’ve also heard of people moving to a new place with the hope they will “find

themselves.” I’ve even heard people say, “I found myself in (insert name of city here.)” But the truth is that finding yourself has little to do with where you live and a lot to do with the way you live. We reflect ourselves in our surroundings, both people and places. If you look around yourself and don’t like what you see, then do everyone a favor and stop blaming inanimate objects and random strangers. Every day I believe more that we have to be the change that we want to see in the world. The truth about Utah is that some of the most amazing and accepting people ever to grace the face of the earth are found here. They’ve chosen to make this place their home. There is beauty in this state that is as uniquely breathtaking as anything in the world, even the highest peaks of the Andes Mountains in South America (and I make the second part of that judgment on very good authority.) But it doesn’t really matter what I think of Utah. Everyone lives in a very personal reality. I just wish people would stop complaining about the perceived negative aspects of their reality and instead work to change them for the better. Q

Trust me when I say gluttony is not one of the ways you overcome alcoholism.

I had a spiritual experience in that bathroom ... after which, I couldn’t find the door to get out until someone else came in.

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A P R I L 1, 2 0 0 7  I S S U E 7 5  Q S A LT L A K E  17

From what I can tell, there are quite a number of people living in Utah who don’t have a whole lot of good to say about this place. It also seems to me that this number is higher among gay men. I’m not exactly sure why this is. Although I suppose many of these people haven’t really experienced other parts of this country and/or the world, I bet it probably has more to do with that heavily-favored idea in the gay community that the grass is always greener someplace else. I know that Utah has its shortcomings: the pollution that builds up in the valley, the small fortune you have to invest at the bar to get an adequate buzz going, the legislators who have mistaken the capitol building for their local chapel. At least those are a few that stick out in my head. Let me tell you something about gay men across this country: they all say the same things about their communities. Things like, “Everybody knows everybody here, there’s only like two degrees of separation,” “The club scene sucks here,” “We don’t have any good bars,” or “The gays here are so shallow.” Really, it doesn’t matter which city you visit, you can find men who will say the exact same negative things about their community that you’ve heard said about your community back home.

Beehive State, I lived for a short while in Boston, spent some time in Provo and grew up in California. While I’m certainly not that well-traveled, I have however, also had the opportunity to visit such cities as Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Portland, San Francisco and Las Vegas, among others. Despite having lived in and visited many other cities, I’ve come to call Salt Lake City — with its inconsistent weather, hypocritical politics and lack of diversity — home. Salt Lake City is home, and I love to complain about it. After all, there couldn’t be a more difficult city for a gay individual, correct? It turns out there are cities even more intolerable than Salt Lake City. After spending last weekend in Denver, I came to the rather instant conclusion that living in Denver as opposed to Salt Lake City would be akin to being caught in a compromising situation with Randy Quaid as opposed to Dennis Quaid. I spent the Denver weekend with an individual that I’ve been dating (I say ‘an individual’ and not ‘a guy,’ for fear that disclosing his gender as male would essentially out me in QSaltLake), and we ended up having a great time. The one thing that really surprised me, however, about Denver was, to be honest, the lack of tolerance and friendliness. We stayed at a hotel south of Denver and while riding the light rail into town, we were be-

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In Search Of... Nominees by Chad Keller and Mark Thrash insearchof@qsaltlake.com

Spring has officially begun, and with that leap our paper has chosen to focus on fashion. We knew any discussion of fashion without including style couldn’t be drawn out to a thousand words. So, we’re summarizing our thoughts in one sentence: CHAD: Step away from the pastels!

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MARK: Leave them to Easter eggs! Is it that time again? I don’t know how many years our paper has hosted the UTAH’S MOST FA-A-ABULOUS! Awards, but I know the Royal Court has been holding the Golden Spike Awards for 28 years. After that length of time some might ask, “Aren’t one set of community awards enough?” I suppose if you wanted to limit recognition to a sect of the community, one might be enough. However, there are others outside the atypical social gay scene who deserve special recognition, too.

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MARK: Gay overload? Yes … enough about the background of each set of awards. Let’s talk about who we’re selecting. Hmmm … where to begin? Best Asian: I can’t remember his name. Oh, they meant a restaurant? My vote goes to Thaifoon. Best Vegetarian/Vegan: I’m a carnivore to the bone, and like most gay men avoid any topic that include “V” & “G” in the same breath, but I choose Sage’s Cafe. Best Cheap Drinks: no bar qualifies. I vote for my kitchen. Just can’t get enough of those BooKoo and Barcardi. Best Place to Find Shoes: both cost and style must be considered for this pair. So, it is a tight fight between either Nordstrom Rack or Aldo. CHAD: I remind readers that these nominations are not meant to be as precise as our Oscar predictions. Best Hole in the Wall: they tore the park down next to Oxbow Penitentiary. So, my pick would be Little World. It’s like walking into a foreign land. Best Desserts: are we talking “just desserts” or literal? I’ll stick with the sweet stuff and go with Gormandie’s Bakery. I stand at the display case and drool regularly. Best Amateur Theatre Company: because they love to regularly play dress-up, my nomination goes to the RCGSE. Best Concert of the Past Year: definitely my vote goes to the Rock Gods Concert at Club Vegas. It’s a once a week excuse to get in the mosh pit with half-naked tattooed boys.

Best Amateur Theatre Company: because they love to regularly play dressup, my nomination goes to the RCGSE

CHAD: I thought we were done with the age old battle of Coke vs. Pepsi? UTAH’S MOST FA-AABULOUS! Awards have one ballot. So, be sure and submit your votes via mail, fax or entry box by April 4. However, The Golden Spike Awards are a two-step process. Two of twelve steps ain’t bad. Nominating boxes will be out on Apr. 7 and voting boxes will appear on Apr. 14. Both set of boxes will be available in the evening at some local gay bars.

MARK: Twelve steps? I think you’re mistaken on the type of self-improvement program the RCGSE supports. Let’s take a closer look at both set of awards to gain a better understanding. UTAH’S MOST… hell, I’ll call them the FABBYS, have 10 categories and 87 sub categories. While the Golden Spike Awards or GSA’s have approximately 30 categories, the FABBYS give recognition to standard businesses, groups, individuals and services. The GSA’s take recognition one step further and move in a more humorous, light-hearted focus. For example: Bitch of the Year, Tackiest Outfit of the Year, Best Drag Performer, Best Looking Drag, Best Comedy Performer and Favorite Male/Female Lovers are a few of the common categories. The FABBYS cover everything from Best Restaurant to Best Lube. See, no one award ceremony could possibly combine such a mixture of categories in one room without friction.

Now Queer This

who could forget Best Sunday Brunch. The GSA’s seem to be tailored to those who regularly attend a drag show; they are more entertainment based. I remember when they had awards that ranged from Best Catfight to Swishiest Male. The Court’s light-hearted approach to recognition is a welcomed diversion before the two months of gay overload that occur during May and June.

CHAD: From fork-to-pork, the FABBYS cover it all. They even award Best Tattoo/Piercing Parlor and Best Car Dealership. The FABBYS are more hands-on and pay homage to things you would discuss at the water cooler with your coworkers. For example: Best Dentist, Best Attorney, Best Hair Salon, Best Place to Get Counseling. In the dining sections, it seems most venues and tastes are covered: Best After Hours, Best Soup, and

MARK: Enough about the FABBYS. Onto the GSA’s. Although I definitely have my favorites for several of the categories, as the co-host of this year’s event I can’t publicize how I will vote, though I’ll anxiously await the winner of Best Bartender, Best Door Person and Entertainer of the Year. It is tradition that once a person/group wins the same award for three consecutive years, that award is given in their honor until someone else achieves the same repeated recognition. Best Male Performer is currently listed in my name. So, I’m out of the race, but I’m still shaking my tail feather to try and raise the bar of expectation. CHAD: Is it really that you’re the co-host, or is it that you’re afraid to face the backlash? There are only two categories that catch my eye. Show of the Year: no one gives you a stage production every two weeks like Nova’s Platinum Pussy Review. Bitch of the Year: it’s a toss up, and the editor will no longer allow me to put their names in print. One wrote an 829-word editorial and the other “wished I’d get run over by TRAX at 900 South.” If I evoke that kind of rage ... hell, maybe I’ll be the elite Bitch again. Q

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Gay Geeks Conning Around: Lunacon*50 By JoSelle Vanderhooft joselle@qsaltlake.com

with bouncy, blonde ponytails. But my favorite had to be the novicelevel “Veggies from Space!” — seven young people dressed as components of a spring salad cornucopia in every color of lamme conceivable. They were the judges’ favorite, too, as they walked away with just about every award in their division. The con’s programming was also some of the most queer-friendly I’ve ever seen, particularly (and, perhaps, obviously) on the “After Dark” adult track. Although few of the panels here had a specifically queer focus, openly queer writers and fans abounded on a lot of them. They included panels on writing about polyamorous and BDSM characters, writing slash (fan fiction about established characters in gay and lesbian pairings) and writing erotica vs. writing sex scenes in mainstream fiction. This particular panel featured three writers of lesbian or gay male erotica (including me!). There was also a well-attended Saturday night session that delved into the very, very gay sex life some fans have created for Harry Potter-character Severus Snape in fan fiction that bore the hilarious title “Severus Snape: Good Guy, Bad Guy, Love God.” As exhausted as I was at that point, this particular panel had to be one of the highlights of the convention for me.

But my favorite had to be the novice-level “Veggies from Space!” — seven young people dressed as components of a spring salad cornucopia in every color of lamme conceivable.

Another was the “GLBT Meet-Up” on Friday night, which I attended with two friends, one a talented actress and fencer wearing a hot — in both senses of the word — 18th Century men’s suit she brought for the convention’s annual Regency Dance. The event’s facilitator, a charming young man named Myke, sat us in a circle and asked us the most unusual ice-breaker question I’ve ever been privileged enough to hear: Who is your Daddy? As you can imagine, hilarity ensued with queer fans naming everything from their finnicky cats, their real estate, their 9-to-5 jobs and even, yep, their real parents as father figures. I still wonder what they thought when I told them my ‘Daddy’ is a twice-monthly gay paper in Salt Lake City, Utah. I mean, come on. QSaltLake has told me to sit up straight, watch my mouth and be in bed by 9pm on more than one occasion this year. Figuratively speaking, anyway. I liked this part of the con best because it was all about gay fans doing what we do best: sitting around being random and geeky together. No fuss, no muss, no “Oh-my-god-I-gotta-get-to-another-panel” crap, just a casual conversation with interesting people. While I go to conventions to promote my fantasy novels and poetry, I always appreciate the social time the most. Well, that’s it for this Gay Geeks con report. Look for the next ones in May, when I attend two conventions almost back-to-back, and while wearing my own campy costume. Will I make it out awake, or will I fall asleep facedown in the con-suite’s bowl of onion dip? Either way, my equally geeky girlfriend will probably take blackmailable pictures. Eep! Until next issue! Q

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When I’m not writing about being gay and geeky, it seems that I’m being gay and geeky at science fiction/fantasy/ horror conventions with other gay geeks. Seriously. Forget about bars and clubs. We nerds and geeks of all orientations have long known that cons are often one of the best ways to socialize, network and, yes, even carouse with our own kind — especially if fan groups in our home cities are small, irregularly attended, non-existent, or, for those of us queers, just plain anti-gay. Yeah, haters can ruin anything they put their minds to, even fandom. In the year and a half I’ve been regularly attending conventions, I’ve met openly queer people of all orientations, gender identities and living arrangements. And while some cons are simply queerer than others, it’s rare that I meet as many openly queer folks as I did at Lunacon, which I attended for the first time Mar. 16–18. Throughout its sizeable history, Lunacon has been mostly held in New Jersey or upstate New York. It was founded 50 years ago by the Lunarians, one of the New York Metropolitan area’s oldest science fiction and fantasy societies, and the golden anniversary made this year’s convention special. There were tons of

anniversary and con history-related panels on the roster, and my con-going friends among the con-goers also told me the con’s programming was larger and more varied this year. Now, how all this made Lunacon*50 so darned gay friendly, I can’t say. But I swear to you, the halls of Rye, New Jersey’s Hilton (the con’s host hotel) were frequently gayer than Library Square during Utah Pride. Well, gayer with more cloaks, peace-bonded swords and, ahem, fairy wings, anyway. So. Costumes first. Like many conventions that are equal parts fan and pro-oriented, Lunacon has a Masquerade where costumers of all skill and professional levels show off and often compete with their snazzy outfits. Their work can center around anything remotely tied to science fiction, fantasy or horror, be it a popular character (like Yuna from the video game Final Fantasy X), an original character (like the kick-ass Sun God I saw whose costume included three-foot-high, light up rays), or just a fun idea — often the more outrageous, the better. Yes, outrageous often includes the downright campy. There was the middleaged guy prancing and mugging to the Bud Light commercial “Real American Heroes: Mr. Male Football Cheerleader” — in scary cheerleader drag complete

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When you studied Greek mythology in school, did you read books on the adventures of Hercules that mention that he engaged in a number of homosexual liaisons? Or that Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar were lovers of men? Or that homosexual love was the catalyst for democracy in Athens? Or that the most famous military fighting force of the ancient world, the Sacred Band of Thebes, was made up entirely of male lovers? The ancient world would not have understood this modern “queer notion� of equating same-sex love with effeminacy. Homoerotic men were not considered effeminate at all in the ancient world, unless they happened to exhibit feminine characteristics in addition to being homosexual. The ancient Greeks, as recorded in their prose, poetry and arts, engaged in a multitude of various types of homosexual activities as did their gods — all without occurring the slightest loss of prestige and masculine attributes. Masculine status in the Greco-Roman world was determined by being the penetrator, or dominant partner, regardless of the sex of the submissive partner. Julius Caesar was mocked by friends and enemies alike as the “Queen of Bithynia� because he enjoyed being mounted by the King of Bithynia (a province of the Roman Empire near the Black Sea), perhaps for political reasons as well as passionate ones. Being passive in a sex act was hardly a Roman virtue. When was the last time you heard a high school civics class teach that democracy owes its very existence to same-sex love? Every ancient Greek student knew the heroic story of the founders of democracy, Harmodius and Aristogiton, was in much the same way as Americans venerate George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Harmodius and Aristogiton were a pair of 6th century B.C. lovers who died trying to overthrow two Athenian tyrants who

had the audacity to outlaw sex between men. The citizens of Athens were amazed by the devotion demonstrated by these male lovers, these men who were actually willing to die for their love, rather than submit to tyranny. The citizens of Athens were so moved that they rose up against the tyrants and established the first democratic rule of government in the world; a citizen committee of free men, rather than despots would henceforth rule Athens. Harmodius and Aristogiton were famous throughout the ancient world and statues memorialized their love. For nearly a thousand years the pair was held up to ancient youth as role models of faithfulness, good citizenship and patriotic zeal. But who has heard of them now? The Athenian philosopher Plato was quite adamant about associating homosexuality with the emergence of democracy. As he stated emphatically in his famous Symposium, “Whenever therefore it has been established that it is shameful to be involved in homosexual relationships, this is due to evil on the part of legislators, to despotism on the part of the rulers, and cowardice on the part of the governed.� Aristotle, the greatest thinker of the ancient world and tutor of Alexander the Great, taught this regarding the nature of homosexuals: “This disposition occurs in some people naturally. When nature is responsible, no one would call such persons immoral, anymore than they would women because they are passive in intercourse rather than active. And whether the individual so disposed conquers or yields to it is not properly a moral issue.� The Sacred Band of Thebes was an elite Greek military unit formed in the 4th century BC. The logic behind forming the Sacred Band was that lovers would fight more fiercely and more cohesively at each other’s sides than would strangers with no ardent bonds. According to Roman historian Plutarch, the inspiration for the Band’s formation came from Plato’s Symposium, wherein the character Phaedrus remarks: “And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army should be made up of lovers and their loves, they would be the very best governors of their own city, abstaining from all dishonor, and emulating one another in honor; and when fighting at each other’s side, although

a mere handful, they would overcome the world. For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this. Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?� The entire Sacred Band was eventually annihilated by Alexander the Great’s father at the battle of Chaeronea in 338 BC. The traditional Greek infantry was no match against the novel long-speared Macedonian phalanx, but the Sacred Band, though surrounded and overwhelmed, refused to surrender. They held their ground and fell where they stood. Plutarch recorded that upon encountering their corpses “heaped one upon another�, King Philip of Macedonia exclaimed, “Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered anything unseemly.� Having said all that, it is also true that the ancient Greeks were incredibly sexist and their concept of homosexuality was “passive youth oriented,� to put it mildly. The simple act of wearing women’s apparel or performing tasks traditionally reserved to females would have been considered emasculating and irredeemably degrading. The Amazon women who were praised in Greek legend for being warriors, and Sappho the poet queen of the Island of Lesbos, was definitely an anomaly in this male-oriented Hellenic culture. The sexual model for homosexuality in Ancient Greece was for an older bearded male to take as a lover a beardless youth. He would be the youth’s mentor, teacher and guide into Greek male society. What was so unusual about Harmodius and Aristogiton was that they were both mature, bearded males who loved each other as equals, not as master and slave, male and female, or age and youth, as was the custom. The love of equal adult males for other adult males was extraordinary, and was Plato’s ultimate “platonic� love, the love of Uranus which was superior to the base animal reproductive love between man and woman. It’s no wonder that the first modern term for those who practice same-sex love was “Uranian.� It was first applied to gay people in 1869 by the German Karl Heinrich Urich, father of the modern same homo-love movement. Q

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The Gay Agenda YOUR CALENDAR OF ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT & IMPORTANT EVENTS

The day this issue hits the streets — Mar. 28 — it will also be Stan’s (Try-Angles bartender) birthday. It will be something like 57 years since he dropped out of Gene’s ass and showered us all with his charming demeanor. Happy B-Day, Stan! I admire you from afar because if I get too close I might catch something. Luvs, xoxo.

1SUNDAY Q So you’ve probably read about this year’s celebrity line up for Utah Pride, but there is one more exciting introduction not yet mentioned: the Utah Pride Center’s Queer Idol winner will take the stage with Emilio Estevez, a.k.a. Paula Abdul on Sunday, Jun 3. Yippee! Also, QSaltLake’s float theme this year is ‘Butt Pirates of the Caribbean’ — we will be in the buff except for an eye patch over our nether region. Oh, by the way ... April Fools’ Day. I pity the fool who believes an eye patch could cover my nether region. Q This is the last day to sign up for the Pride Community Softball League. To entice you some more, QSaltLake will be playing this year under the beauty, direction and leadership of moí. Ok, that last part may be a drawback, but we do need players — the good, the bad and the ug ... the good and the bad. The season opens April 29. 4–7pm, Bonwood Bowl, 2500 S. Main Street. Registration $25 includes shirt, leaguelineup.com/pcslutah or 539-8800.

3TUESDAY Q Considered one of the most exquisite ceremonies of spirituality, the Whirling Dervishes of Rumi (Turkey) bring a rare experience of a mesmerizing seven-century old ritual to Salt Lake for the first time. This incredible performance features beautiful costumes, hypnotic live music with flutes, string and percussion, and the amazing sight of the Dervishes whirling on stage. It should bring up fond childhood memories of whirling about in your mother’s skirts. 7pm, Kingsbury Hall, 1395 E. Presidents Circle, UofU. Tickets $13–27, 581-7100 or kingtix.com.

4WEDNESDAY Q Music in the Box presents ... and Jazz Arts of the Mountainwest sponsors ... The Wasatch Music Big Band, a dynamic jazz band consisting of 14 of Utah’s greatest jazz musicians, including Jerry Floor, Brian Booth, David Halladay, David Murphy and more. The band will be directed by Dan Bonsanti as they perform his internationally-acclaimed arrangements. 7:30pm, Jeanne Wagner Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $12, 355-ARTS or arttix.org.

5THURSDAY Q The graduating class of the modern dance program at the University of Utah present their Senior Concert: Ultimate Dance Mix. An unusual mix of modern, jazz and tap to the music of such artists as Yo-Yo Ma, Rusted Root, Bobby McFerrin and Prince will illuminate original stories created and performed by the students. Certainly a rare treat. 7:30pm, through Saturday, Marriott Center for Dance, 330 S. 1500 East, UofU. Tickets $7–10, 581-7100 or kingtix.com.

6FRIDAY Q Openly gay and acclaimed director Pedro Almodovar lifts Penelope Cruz to Oscar stature in Volver, a comic movie about a harried working mother trying to protect her daughter from her couch potato husband who may or may not be the father. While frantically juggling her urban life, word comes that her long dead mother has appeared as a spir-

it and is haunting the village of her birth. As part of the Sundance Film Series, three screenings will be offered this weekend. 8pm–Tonight & Sat., 6pm–Sun., Jim Santy Auditorium, 1255 Park Ave., Park City. Tickets $5–6 at the door, 435-615-8291 or parkcityfilmseries.com. Q Marked by a series of tragic events, one family’s futile existence is magically transformed by a Secret Garden. A neglected, bitter young girl is shipped off to her uncle in Britain after her parents die in an earthquake. Unfortunately, her uncle has been a cold, reclusive man since his wife’s death. The girl discovers her bedridden cousin and an overgrown garden, and becomes determined to “fix” them both. Wait ... wasn’t this a Lifetme movie with Patty Duke? Anyhoo, Imagine Ballet Theatre presents an original ballet performance based on the classic book. 7:30pm, through Saturday, Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South. Tickets $10–25, 355-ARTS or arttix.org. Q When threatened by a tiger ... drop, roll and play dead. Huh? If you’ve been raised by wolves ... you’re luckier than most Mormons. When you meet talking animals in the jungle ... ask yourself, “Should I really have taken that extra hit of acid?” Rudyard Kipling’s classic tale A Jungle Book transforms from imagination and animation to real life on stage. But don’t worry, the animals were not harmed in any way. 7:30pm, Fri.–Sat. & Mondays through May 5, The Academy of Performing Arts, 3188 S. 400 East. Tickets $10–12, 486-2728. Q Ooooo ... boogies, boogies, boogies.

Sorry, I am a little stuffed up. No, I’m talking about goblins, demons, ghosts and serial killers. If you haven’t already heard, Rocky Point Haunted House is closing after 27 gruesome years. They’ve decided to have one last hoorah this Spring. Special guests, events and contests are underway as of Mar. 23. 8pm–Midnight, Fri.-Sat. through Apr. 14, Rocky Point Haunted House, 3400 S. State Street. Entrance fees $10–15 at the door, 598-6888 or rockypointhauntedhouse.com.

7SATURDAY Q We at QSaltLake support ‘Buy Local First’, especially when it comes to bookstores. It’s a real shame there are so few local independent booksellers here, and they really need our support. However, I am making exception here since it’s for a good cause. Today, Barnes & Noble hosts a Bookfair where up to 25% of “voucherbased” purchases benefit Plan-B Theatre Company. Also, Carol Lynn Pearson will be in the store from 2-4pm to sign copies of her book Goodbye, I Love You, the script to Facing East and her new book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones. Vouchers may be obtained by calling 201-9791 or emailing to jerry@planbtheatre.org. 9am–11pm, Gateway Barnes & Noble, 6 N. Rio Grande Street.

Q Spring seems to be the season for dance. Another unique and creative dance troupe, MOMIX brings Moses Pendelton’s Lunar Sea to the Park City stage. For more than 20 years, Pendelton has directed exceptional dancer-illusionists in a variety of inventive pieces. Lunar Sea is an eye-popping and gravity-defying production that suggests the moon is a jolly place with lots of cool nightlife. If you’re looking for diaper-clad astronauts flip-flopping in space over some hot guy, you’ll be sadly disappointed. 7:30pm, Eccles Center, 1750 Kearns Blvd., Park City. Tickets $18–65, 435-655-3114 or parkcitytickets.com.

8SUNDAY Q My mom had to know I was gay when I was young because I remember this one Easter Sunday when I woke up to a new pair of pink-blue-green-yellow-plaid Bermuda shorts and pink Izod shirt laid out at the foot of my bed ... duh, mom! You couldn’t have been as shocked as you portrayed. Damn, I wish I could still fit in that outfit ... it was stylin’! Happy Easter everyone, and as a hint while you’re hunting eggs: look for the biggest basket. Q I feel like a heel for not keeping up on the events presented by the People with AIDS Coalition of Utah lately. It’s a great organization and I really like Toni (mostly because she’s named after me — but mine’s spelled with a “y” people ... how gay do you think I am?). But I digress, the PWACU hosts their annual Spring Fling. Join them for food, fun and

party favors. 1–3pm, People with AIDS Coalition of Utah, 175 W. 200 South, Suite 2010. Free, but please rsvp by Apr. 3 to 484-2205 or director@pwacu.org.

11WEDNESDAY Q The plot synopsis for the play No Sex Please, We’re British is as follows: ‘This farce surrounds an assistant bank manager who lives above his bank with his new bride Frances. Frances innocently sends a mail order for some Scandinavian glassware but receives Scandinavian pornography. The two must decide what to do.’ Ok, helllooo ... spank it, wank it, chew it, spew it. Crikey, the blarmy Brits are dozy. 7:30pm, through Saturday, Dumke Student Theatre, Westminster College, 1840 S. 1300 East. Suggested $3 donations at the door, seating is limited, 832-2680.

12THURSDAY Q William Blake was an English sketch artist, mystic and poet. He believed he could see God and Angels as well as talk to the dead ... Holy Jennifer Love-Hewitt, that’s unbelievable! Sorry. Anyhoo, Repertory Dance Theatre delves into the renowned visionary’s life and works in the production Outside Blake’s Window. Dancers, actors, singers, an aerialist, fire juggler and multiple sets of identical twins create a wild ride of a show. 8pm, through Saturday, Jeanne Wagner Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $30, 355-ARTS or arttix.org.

13FRIDAY Q It’s bad luck to go out and do anything on this ... the evilest of evil days. So it should be no big surprise that QSaltLake volunteered to sponsor Cyber Slut Bingo. I think the theme of tonight’s gaming is “Lord, we’re all going to hell in a shower cap and crotchless panties”, so everyone should come dressed as such. 7pm (doors open 6:15pm if we’re still alive by then), First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 East. Bingo cards $4, 649-6663. Q I am a professional entertainment advisor, so though I advise you not to go out today, I am obligated under strict oath to provide entertainment options (don’t I sound like hot shit ... or at least full of it?). Well, rain falls and surprises pour down in Cirque Éloize: Rain. Back by popular demand, the French-Canadian players blend a professional human circus format with theatre, dance, poetry and a sense of humor. 7:30pm, through Saturday, Kingsbury Hall, 1395 E. Presidents Circle, UofU. Tickets $29.50–39.50, 581-7100 or kingtix.com. Q Allowing myself to put you in mortal danger is extremely difficult, but since I’m going to hell in my favorite pair of crotchless panties anyway ... I’ll take you with me. Theophile Gautier created the ballet Giselle to honor Carlotta Grisi, a ballerina whom he not only admired but loved. An unforgettable story of love and madness that has endured for more than 100 years, it is a masterpiece of romantic ballet. 7:30pm, through Saturday, Apr. 21, Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South. Tickets $17–65, 355-ARTS or arttix.org.

14SATURDAY

Q Ok girlfriends, if you’ve got a reliable vehicle or a small prop-engine plane, then get your keisters down to southern Utah today as the Salt Lake Men’s Choir does St. George — not the dead Roman soldier and martyr ... the place, you bunch of gutter whores. 7pm, St. George Opera House, 212 N. Main Street, St. George. Tickets $5 at the door.

Q Pablo Ziegler, winner of 2006’s Latin Grammy for Best Tango Album, expertly combines sultry tango rhythms with the energetic spontaneity of jazz with the band Quintet for New Tango ... cha cha cha! Check out their passionate musical style in a sure-fire hit. 7:30pm, Allred Theatre, Browning Center at WSU, 3851 University Circle, Ogden. Tickets $12–15, 800-WSU-TIKS or weberstatetickets.com.

Upcoming Events Apr. 23 — Five for Fighting, The Depot

Apr. 30 — Gwen Stefani, E Center

May 18 — The Killers, Saltair

May 19–20 — Cirque Du Soleil’s Delirium, E Center

June 8 — Salt Lake Men’s Choir Concert — Broadway Babies, Libby Gardner Hall

July 21 — Jewel, Deer Valley Resort

SAVETHEDATE Mar. 30–Apr. 1 Mr. Utah Bear & Cub Contest, Club Try-Angles. utahbears.com Apr. 1 Affirmation: Fireside and Mission Reunion, Metropolitan Community Church affirmation.org Apr. 21 Queer Prom, Salt Palace utahpridecenter.org Apr. 29 RCGSE Golden Spike Awards, Trapp Door rcgse.org

June 30 Gay Freedom Day, Harmony Park pride365.org July 21–23 2007 Bear Ruckus, Lava Hot Springs utahbears.com Aug. 3–5 National Gamofite Retreat, Fort Douglas gamofites.org

Aug. 29 Equality Utah Political Action Committee’s Allies Dinner, Salt Palace equalityutah.org SEPT. 27–29 Out & Equal Workplace Summit 2007, Washington D.C. outandequal.org

June 1–3 Utah Pride Festival, Library Square utahpride.org

Nov. 2–8 Salt Lake Gay and Lesbian Film Festival saltfest.org

June 8 Broadway Babies, Libby Gardner Hall saltlakemenschoir.org

If you would like your event considered for this list, email tony@­ qsaltlake.com. AnJune 9 nual and semi-annuTrue Colors Tour, USANA al events that appeal Amphitheatre to a large portion of smithstix.com the gay community are considered. June 9–Oct. 20

Farmers’ Market Pioneer Park Saturdays

An Interview with Musician Bitch By Gregg Shapiro

When out performer Bitch sings, “Dare me to rise/and I’ll rise,” in the song “Rise,” on her first solo album, “Make This Break This” (Kill Rock Stars), you believe that she means business. The song, which delivers a set of blows to the Bush dynasty and the war in Iraq, is the political centerpiece of this powerful set of songs. Bitch, who can add actress to her long list of accomplishments with her appearance in the movie Shortbus, took some time to talk about her career. Gregg Shapiro: First of all, I have to tell you that there are people still talking about the time, a few years ago, when you joined Ferron onstage at the Queer Is Folk Festival in Chicago. It was this meeting of two different generations of women’s music pioneers and it felt historical. Did it have special meaning to you as well? Bitch: Oh, completely. I think that was the first time I ever joined her on stage. And we have since toured together. That was an incredible time. I always look back to that time, too. It just felt like exactly what you said, a meeting of two generations. I am so inspired by her and her music. I think I finally convinced her to let me produce a record for her. GS: That would be so cool! I also want to congratulate you on your appearance in John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus. What was the experience like for you? Bitch: It was definitely more than just filming something. For a couple of years there we were all getting together and having these kinds of salons. We would get together and play games, or have dinners and stuff like that, so it was a real feeling of community building, which was so great. That’s something that seems so hard to find in New York. I mean it always has been for me in some ways. I feel like I kind of became part of a new family in a sort of way. It was super inspiring. GS: Plus, you got to play music in it, too. Bitch: Yeah, yeah. John was a real leader in that way. I feel like he was really good at figuring out people’s strengths. The whole movie was about that, he was working with these actors who he wanted to work with, but didn’t necessarily know where it was going, that kind of thing. As we would all get to know each other, it became clear as far as who should be doing what kind of thing. GS: You also appeared in John’s video for Bright Eyes’ “First Day of My Life.” Is there any chance that he will be directing a music video for you someday? Bitch: Oh God, I hope so (laughs)! I know, right! That seems like it should be the next thing down the line. GS: When I saw you open for Amy Ray in Chicago, you were going by Capital b. Were you having an artist formerly known as Bitch moment? Bitch: Yeah! (laughs). (Sings) Identity crisis. Now I’m back full circle. I was starting to tread in these other worlds. First of all, I was having this issue as far as, for example, the Associated Press interviewed me about Shortbus, but they absolutely wouldn’t let me be

GS: Your new disc “Make This, Break This” was produced June Millington, who like Ferron, is a legendary figure, particularly in the women’s music world. She also produced the Bitch & Animal “Sour Juice and Rhyme” disc. What makes your working relationship with June such a good one? Bitch: I think June is so talented. I’ve noticed myself that I definitely gravitate to people who weren’t…I feel like a lot of my working relationships are with people who weren’t necessarily raised in this culture. I don’t know what it is. There is something about June; she is so not American in a certain way, like she is not your “typical” girl. That’s a horrible thing to say, “typical girl.” But she is very empowered in her opinions and she was very determined about certain sides of me that she wanted to see come out on this record that she’d never seen before. And she is very focused on her goals, as far as how to get there, even though when you’re making a record you can get so caught up in the minutiae and that was really good for me. Because at the time, I was in a bit of a huge change in my life and it was hard for me to stay focused on “what is the ultimate thing.” My whole thing was like, “I just want to make a record. Okay let’s put this down, let’s put that down.” I mean we probably put twenty songs down and we ended up using thirteen of them. I feel like I was the wild horse and she was harnessing it. GS: Since this is a solo disc, what would you say were some of the things you did on it that makes it distinctive from a Bitch and Animal album? Bitch: Definitely there is an element of a journal on this record that I feel like is less present in my work with Animal. Because I think I took the risk of doing things that weren’t fully crafted yet. I risked recording songs that I’ve never played live, for example. I think there is a personal element that comes out, that’s a little more raw than what I’ve done in the past. It’s definitely an example of what two Aries can do, when they’re up all night together (laughs) during eight months together. June and I were incredibly focused together and we could spend really long hours in the studio. I think it comes out, there’s a bit of a fuller sound happening on the record. There is something that sounds more backed up to me. Whereas when Animal and I are in the studio there is an element of, “Let’s just look at each other and let it spill out” kind of thing. Whereas this was a more methodical, longer meditation, is what it felt like. GS: The disc was mixed by Roma Baran who is known for her work with Laurie

Anderson. I started thinking about all of these parallels: you play violin (as does Anderson), and the epic closing track “The Most Powerful Thing That Ever Happened In the Entire World” has a Laurie Anderson quality to it. How much of an influence would you say Laurie Anderson had on you? Bitch: Laurie Anderson was always a huge figure in my life, as far as knowing that she plays violin, knowing that she was “out there” and still having commercial success. She was following a clearly different muse than most people in the musical landscape of her times. It’s funny, too, I remember in some of our old Bitch and Animal press releases, in one of our old bios we said we were like “Laurie Anderson making out with They Might Be Giants.” Apparently she’s been very lodged in my subconscious (laughs). GS: Does it feel good to you now to use Logo as a tool of visibility? Do you think Logo is that for you and for other queer artists? Bitch: Oh, yeah, definitely. Funnily enough, I’ve never even seen Logo. I’ve definitely felt a wave of it. Yeah, I mean even just the certain visibility. My friend (lesbian hip-hop artist) God-des has had a lot of visibility because of that. And just them being at all of the events and honoring this part of our community. Yes, I’ve definitely felt another level of visibility because of it. Bitch is in concert April 14 at MoDiggity’s. Call 832-9000 for ticket information.

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May 27 RCGSE Coronation, Sheraton City Centre rcgse.org

Bitch is Back:

interviewed if I insisted on being called Bitch. This kind of stuff, so my friends have been calling me Capital b. for a long time. In a way it kind of developed out of necessity. Many people have two different names they go by. I do kind of like having two different names. Ferron was calling me Capital b on this last tour, which I thought was so cute. To me, it feels, not riskier, but something hipper. Hearing that come out of her voice was so sweet. But I think I was just trying something new to see how it felt, and I liked it. But there are definitely going to be times where you see me appearing as Capital b, but you know I think my main thing is always going to be Bitch.

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RoxBox by Mikey Rox

Superstar DJ Victor Calderone doesn’t just adapt. He evolves. And since the early 1990s he’s released one evolutionary remix after another for artists such as Madonna, Beyonce, Sting and Sarah Brightman. But after so many years behind the scenes, Calderone is stepping out into the limelight with an album of his own, Evolve, a 13-track Ultra Records release containing some of the celebrated spinner’s most exclusive edits and new productions. Magically distilling the essence of his super-popular parties of the same name, Evolve bottles the underground energy of a New York City circuit party and turns it into tracks like “Transient” and “Da Muzik,” both produced by DJ Vibe and Calderone himself, and released to critical acclaim. Other tracks include the heart-stopping “Music is Freedom” by Richie Santana, the fever-breaking “Transitions” by Dennis Ferrer, and “End of Rotation” by DJ Dry featuring Calderone. Yep, there’s more to love on this disc than Patron-facilitated fornication with a bartender from Happy Valley. And you won’t need a prescription in the morning either.

Ryland Angel sounds like a character concocted in a PR laboratory — but rest assured, this newcomer is as unique and genuine as they come. On Angel’s self-titled debut CD, the native Briton’s polyphonic harmonies, acoustic and electronic flourishes, and extraordinary tenor/countertenor vocals converge to create an album rich in ancient musical traditions. From the famous Bible story, the tender “Absalom” is about a father’s love for his son and not having a chance to say goodbye, followed by “Broken Heart,” a clarion of layered falsettos, co-written with Angel’s brother, lyricist Andrew Angel. This Manhattan Records release also contains “Your Kiss,” a celebration of physical love; “Find a Way to You,” a big ballad drama blended with lucid charm; and “The Water is Wide,” a song with immeasurable texture and beauty, recorded with a hymn-like gentleness. While much of the rest of the album resonates with liturgical echoes, Angel says that his premiere endeavor is primarily a pop album. “I write about ordinary human beings with weaknesses and desires,” he says. “There are lots of different influences: medieval, Gregorian, Baroque and contemporary. I conceived a classical crossover with these earlier sounds mixed with the singer/songwriter style.”

For more than 35 years Earth, Wind & Fire has influenced many genres of music with its spellbinding sound and inspirational songs. Now, as an homage to Maurice White — the band’s founder — Stax Records releases Interpretations: Celebrating the Music of Earth, Wind & Fire, featuring a venerable honor roll of contemporary soul disciples performing ten of EW&F’s most memorable pieces. On “Shining Star,” the reigning Lady of Funk, Chaka Kahn, throws down an extended take on the band’s very first #1 hit with a lyrical alteration that reminds fans that she’s still ‘every woman,’ while on his version of “September,” au fait gospel titan Kirk Franklin offers a rosier outlook on this already feel-good first single. Also found on Interpretations are tracks like “Be Ever Wonderful,” a highly spiritual fan favorite sung by Angie Stone, a bold and brilliant adaptation of “Fantasy” by the mercurial MeShell NdegeOcello, and “That’s The Way of The World,” an anthem of hope in the face of bitter adversity, rerecorded by singer Dwele. Five more tracks round of this uplifting album, each of which contribute to its overall message: Though times have changed dramatically since 1970, music and magic can still effortlessly coexist.

Kelly Sweet is exactly what her surname implies — and it doesn’t hurt matters that through an ethereal vocal timbre she tells emotional tales of love, lust and longing. Though only 18 years old, Sweet — a Cape Cod, Mass. native — possesses the same adult appeal that attracts fans to artists like Josh Groban and Norah Jones, but simultaneously maintains an aura of innocence that allows her to successfully maneuver the treacherous pop-melody arena. On her new Razor & Tie Records album, We Are One, Sweet displays a beyond-her-years versatility as she glides from the irresistibly jazzy first single, “Raincoat,” to the supernatural transcendence of the album’s title track. Challenging herself even more — which is a characteristic that’s all but extinct among today’s other young pop artists — Sweet takes her chances on a radically reworked and elegiac cover of Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” And that’s before singing songs in Italian, French and Sanskrit, which can all be found within in the confines of this debut disc. “This music is not about me,” says Sweet. “It’s about the soul in all of us. I’m just happy to have a voice to convey these things to the world.” So are we Kelly. Because, honestly, we’re over the half-assed rollerrink jams that those other whiny bitches are shilling.

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I’ll be the first to admit—I tend to be a bit devoted in my TV viewing. If I find a show I like, I cling to it for dear life, and once my TV viewing plate if full, it’s tough to get me to venture outside my set schedule and try something new. This week, I did just that on the recommendation of a friend, and while I doubt E!’s Starveillance is going to become a regular part of my viewing schedule, it’s definitely something you must check out. STAR JONES and BARBARA WALTERS in counseling days before Star’s infamous on-air announcement? Star’s fed up with Barbara’s speech impediment while Barbara insists Star fess up about how she really lost weight. SIMON COWELL

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Gay Real Estate Homebuyer 101: Hit a Home Run With Your First Real Estate Purchase The purchase of a first home is one of the most exciting adventures of a lifetime. Unfortunately, most consumers venture into the transaction — which is usually the biggest financial commitment they will ever make — with little or no guidance, experience, or preparation. The steep and intense learning curve one travels along when buying a home for the first time can be daunting for those who want to figure out how to buy without making costly mistakes. To help level the playing field for newcomers to the game so that they can make informed choices and complete their transaction from an experienced position, here is a simple 5-point strategy that anyone can follow with success.

ing some time and energy in your informal real estate education can potentially save you substantial amounts of money now and well into your financial future.

#1 TRUST YOUR INTUITION AND ASK QUESTIONS If you can’t trust your gut, you’ll always have a bad case of the butterflies. The best way to get past your nervousness is to be informed, and that means asking questions and getting answers from reliable sources. Read informative articles, surround yourself with real estate savvy friends, and find a Realtor you feel comfortable with who is willing to patiently explain how the business works. Just as picking a good university can help you land the right career, invest-

#3 KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR & WHY Real estate pros often nickname consumers who say they are ready to buy a home but really haven’t a clue what they are looking for, where they want to live, or how much they want to spend “window shoppers.� To keep yourself out of that category — and speed up the process of finding your dream home — determine how much house you can afford, the features and amenities you can’t live without, your time frame for closing and relocat-

#2 ASSEMBLE A TEAM OF EXPERTS Real estate is complicated, and even professional investors don’t go it alone without expert counsel and assistance. Find an experienced real estate attorney (not just a lawyer who dabbles in realty on the side), an exceptionally thorough and meticulous home inspector, a creative mortgage lender, and a hard working Realtor. With that team in place you help to ensure favorable results with the least amount of time, stress, and effort.

ing, and get pre-approved by a mortgage company. Realtors will be clamoring to help you with your house hunt because you will be one of the rare clients who has their act together and is professionally prepared to search for, find, and purchase a house. #4 NEGOTIATE SKILLFULLY BUT REASONABLY Once you’ve found the right home and are negotiating for purchase, keep your eyes on the prize. You don’t want to overpay just because the seller has an inflated asking price, nor should you make an offer that is ridiculously low and risk losing your dream home. If you quibble over minor repairs you might win the battle but lose the transaction, and if you concede on major issues, you might end up buying a house that continues to cost you money down the road. The best approach is to do research by studying current sales data with the help of your Realtor, make a fair offer, and then negotiate the final price and any needed repairs based on realistic market value and objective third-party estimates from contractors. #5 PERSONALLY ATTEND THE INSPECTIONS Most buyers don’t go to inspections because their presence is not required, but they miss a truly golden opportunity. Skip a couple of hours of work that day so you can accompany the inspector, ask questions along the way, and take notes about home maintenance. Not only will you learn about any potential problems with the property that need to be addressed before closing but you will also get valuable insight into how to take care of the home once

it is yours. Inspectors can teach you useful things such as how to detect termite activity or how to save money — and the environment — by changing the settings on your water heater. They can explain why those outlets in the kitchen with red buttons on them help prevent electrocution, and why you should never plant shrubs too close to the house. For those who are becoming home buyers for the first time, or for those whose prior experiences were nervewracking or unnecessarily time consuming, these insider tips for buying a home should remove much of the mystery. The good news is that you can take full advantage of the expertise of others. They were once novices just like you, and most real estate professionals get satisfaction from teaching new homeowners the tricks of the trade. To find seasoned professionals you can depend on to help you buy your dream home, visit www.GayRealEstate.com. Or call tollfree at 1-888-420-MOVE (6683). This network of agents and lenders is committed to serving the GLBT community with fairness and professional excellence.

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8?==;HÈ8;JJ;HÈD;MIMEHJ> Hollywood Buzz Hollywood OÈ?DJ;H;IJ?D=ÈH;7:78B;È8H? N LESBIAT MAGAZINE D Celebrity N A N AY E G M S =>J;HÈJ?C;BOÈ97CFOÈ9ECF; N ’ I H UTA & ENTERTA Buzz NEWS BB?D=ÈJ>EK=>J#FHELEA?D=È >?B7H?EKIÈ<KDÈC;7D?D=<KBÈ LOCAL NEWS. M?JJOÈ=7OÈ?DI?=>J<KBÈ?DJH? =K?D=È8;D;<?9?7BÈIKFFEHJ?L LOCAL WRITERS. ;È8K?B:?D=È=HEM?D=ÈI;NOÈ9 LARGEST. KJJ?D= ;:=;È=H7J?<O?D=È87 B7D9;:È?D<EHC7J?L;ÈIEKB<K ON-TIME. BÈM7HCÈJ?C;BOÈ9ECF;BB?D= THE ONLY ONE ÈH;7:78B;È?DJ;H;IJ?D=È97CF YOU READ. O8?==;HÈ8;JJ;HÈD;MIMEHJ >OÈ?DJ;H;IJ?D=ÈH;7:78B;È8 Get 3 H?=>J;HÈJ?C;BOÈ97CFOÈ9EC F;BB?D=ÈJ>EK=>J#FHELEA?D FREE Issues! =È>?B7H?EKIÈ<KDÈC;7D?D=<K Call 649-6663 or BÈM?JJOÈ=7OÈ?DI?=>J<KBÈ?DJ H?=K?D=È8;D;<?9?7BÈIKFFEHJ 1-800-806-7357 ?L;È8K?B:?D=È=HEM?D=ÈI;NOÈ 9KJJ?D= ;:=;È=H7J?<O?D=È8 IkXiYh_X[ 7B7D9;:È?D<EHC7J?L;ÈIEKB< '+ (KBÈM7HCÈJ?C;BOÈ9ECF;BB?D =ÈH;7:78B;È?DJ;H;IJ?D=È97C FOÈ8;D;<?9?7BÈIKFFEHJ?L;È8 K?B:?D=È=HEM?D=ÈI;NOÈ9KJJ ?D= ;:=;È=H7J?<O?D=È87B7D 9;:È?D<EHC7J?L;ÈIEKB<KBÈ By Ross von Metzke ross@qsaltlake.com

CALL 1-800-806-7357 OR MAIL THIS COUPON IN TODAY!

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It was bound to happen sooner or later — my first L.A. fender bender, and boy is my little Mazda 3 bent. She hit the gas, I hit the gas. She slammed on her brakes, I was distracted by the nearnaked girl hanging out the passenger window screaming obscenities. Squeal, crunch, snap, bang. She pulled over, she told me her neck hurt, I led her to the nearest gas station. We traded information and agreed to let State Farm and AAA hammer it out. All told, not such a bad first experience if you have to go through it. And as I drove my slightly tattered, slightly torn runabout home from the scene of the crime, I got to thinking about Hollywood and its many, many, many accidents. Fender benders, DUIs, hit-andruns, the occasional paparazzi-induced chase. So many wrecks in the history of Hollywood — and a few new to add to the list this week. But before delving into the wrecked fenders and mandated trips to rehab that mar Hollywood starlets with a bad rep, I needed a bit of eye candy. Yeah, you and me both, I’m thinking. Look no further than Mark Wahlberg … then and now. I say then and now because, in the beginning, I loved Marky Mark for his Calvin-wearing, thug-a-licious, bad boy appeal. I loved him so much I actually dropped $10 on The Funky Bunch cassette just so I could tack his gorgeous, smooth pecs to my wall. Who’d have thunk Marky Mark would grow into a bad boy, slightly gruffy, still built as hell, Academy Award-nominated leading man ... who runs around shirtless and with a gun in his new flick, Shooter. Whether old-school Marky or newly-refurbished Mark, I’ll take my Wahlberg any which way he’s served. Now that I’ve calmed down a tad, let’s go to the photo that sparked my interest in Hollywood’s accident-prone Lindsay Lohan. Mere weeks out of rehab, Lindsay has yet to slow her row, in case you haven’t noticed. She’s still bar-hopping, occasionally with her moms. Her publicist is done making statements that even attempt to explain her client’s behavior. After a night of downing glass after glass of champagne at a New York hot spot, Leslie Sloan Zelnick didn’t even attempt to explain the photos of her still underage client getting wasted. Instead, she stuck to the tried and true, “she’s taking it one day at a time.” My real issue is the photo snapped mere hours after Lindsay’s drinking binge. Literally surrounded by hoards of paparazzi, cameras pulled ready to snap the first shit, Lindsay’s all a-smile like she’s driving her Jag coupe down the mother of all red carpets, her eyes aglow, her teeth pearly white. She loves this shit — she may send off half-baked e-mails to Perez Hilton in

the wee hours of the morning claiming she’s scared the paparazzi are going to kill her, but then she jumps right back into the cesspool, a 5,000 pound V-8 glob of steel her only defense against the evil, tabloid-hustling man. How many wrecks has Lindsay caused? Five? Ten? A dozen or so that never went reported? I mean, I know she’s a bad driver (how could she not be?), and I know the editors of certain supermarket rags should probably be ponying up to split the deductible. But I frankly don’t get why a girl who’s paid $10 million bucks a picture needs to be getting behind the wheel of a car after a night of boozing when there’s flashbulbs going off in her face. How much could a full-time driver possibly charge? $50–$75K a year? Skip out on a couple of Birkin bags, pack up some Kraft services instead of dining at The Ivy twice a week and look what you have there — enough money for a year’s salary. Paris Hilton has the cash (and the rap sheet to warrant an addition to her staff). Nicole Richie should probably look into one as soon as she finds out whether her emaciated (apparently now hypoglycemic) ass is going up the river. My favorite video of the year (one of Jessica Simpson claiming to be designated driver as she makes whacked-out faces and slurs her speech to the camera) scores her a muchneeded taxi on demand. And Britney — oh, Britney. Attempting to start your Porsche after stumbling out of an Italian restaurant still drinking your glass of wine? Provided K-Fed doesn’t bleed you dry, try springing for some help behind the wheel. Of course, then there are the poor, illfated celebs who probably can’t afford a full-time shuttle service. Like the latest victim, Vivica Fox, who’s gone from pole dancer in the Will Smith Fourth of July extravaganza Independence Day to ill-fated employee of Bill to Dancing with the Stars’ senior female to directto-video over 40 hottie. Her latest claim to fame, though, is scoring a DUI on the 101 freeway in Los Angeles after failing a field sobriety test. The irony is she’s supposed to go in front of cameras next month for a made-for-TV Whitney Houston biopic —method acting, maybe? Stockard Channing claims one glass of wine was all it took to fail a breathalyzer on the 405 freeway a few years back. She claims she wasn’t drunk but it was a confusing lane change that got her pulled over. We’ll just leave out the part where she went around two lanes of stopped traffic and drove down a coned-off center divide. Celebs get parking tickets, speeding tickets, DUIs and cause wrecks right and left. And yet they always seem to be smiling, as if wrapping their fender around a tree is just a minor inconvenience in a life of glitz, glamour and excess. I hit some lady going five miles an hour, and I’m paranoid she’s going to claim whiplash and send my rates sky high. Where’s the justice, I ask? Until the next time Halle Berry flees the scene of a crime, I’ll be mourning my bumper — and hoping one day Hollywood realizes if you can’t take the heat, get the hell off the freeway. Q

Comics

Ask a Porn Star Gage Weston COLT Man Gage Weston continues his uncanny ability to solve the sexual dilemmas of many a gay man as he tackles the plight of a couple who has lost their sex drive and a young man who can’t seem to get off unless he does it himself. What’s a world reknowned porn star to do but offer up some words of wisdom — and a bit of experience! Dear Gage — I’ve heard from a ton of people that there comes a point in every relationship where the sex dies? Well, I think it just died on me and my BF. Any way to get it back? — Sexless in Seattle Dear Sexless — I’ve heard that as well, and luckily after three years with my man, it hasn’t happened. Everyone loves sex, we just get bored at times and want to liven it up. I’m not sure how long you two have been together, or what your sex life was like before. But if the sex has just stopped, there may be something deeper in your relationship that is causing this. If there isn’t anything else causing it, you two may just need to try new things. COLT Man Luke Garrett and I have some very intimate and passionate love making. But we also love to have spontaneous sex! No foreplay, or intimacy, just hard-core sex. We also keep our sex life up by trying new things: playing with toys, acting out fantasies, watching a porn or even having a third join in! You just have to find something that you are both up for. — Gage Weston

— Oldest Line in the Book Dear Oldest Line — Okay, let me get this straight. You can’t get off by getting sucked, fucked or doing the fucking? I’m not sure if you’re a top or a bottom, but if you do bottom, can you get off jacking yourself while getting topped? That always gets me to explode! If not, no biggie! We know our bodies best, and know what it takes to get us to that point. If these guys you are with are just for sex, I would not worry about it. All you can do is explain it to them. As long as you can get off, with whatever means you choose, they shouldn’t be insulted. I’d much rather you jerk yourself off than not get off at all. — Gage Weston Gage Weston is the star of the COLT release Waterbucks 2. For more about Gage, visit GageWeston.com.

A P R I L 1, 2 0 0 7    I S S U E 7 5    Q S A LT L A K E    3 5

Dear Gage — I’ve had sex with a ton of men, but I can’t seem to ever get off from sex, only by jacking off. Sometimes, the guys take it as an insult. How can I explain to them it’s not them, it’s me?

3 6      Q S A LT L A K E      I S S U E 7 5      A P R I L 1, 2 0 0 7

Horoscopes Looking for a bit of a boost? You are in luck! Sun moves into pushy Aries and takes your various ambitions to the next level. How high is up? You tell me.

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ARIES (Mar 21–Apr 20) Sun in your own sign starts and revs your engine. Don’t slouch. Get moving on some special project that you previously relegated to the cooler back burners. There are opportunities and connections to be made and exploited. Proud Rams are never shy so tell the world what you want and it may just listen to you. Will fate deliver? Only if you decide to phone it in.

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TAURUS (Apr 21–May 21) Your life can suddenly become an open book as the paparazzi angle for a shot. Sun in Aries opens the floodgates on any secrets that you have secreted away. Queer Bulls don’t mind being the center of attention but not when their dirty laundry is hanging out to dry. Don’t worry about it, cousin; display the dirty lot proudly. You wear it well not matter what.

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GEMINI (May 22–Jun 21) You try to seek a quiet retreat from the world without success. Too bad. No gay Twin is an island now. You run but you can’t hide from friends, hangers on, large group activities and other assorted capers. Don’t even try to escape your fate. Jump into the social pool with two feet and see who splashes first. Are you in over your head? Do you even care?

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CANCER (JUN 22–JUL 23) Pink Crabs are pleased with the professional opportunities tossed their way. Send a thank you note to Sun in Aries for adding a link or two to your corporate food chain. But don’t let the ease of flight go to your head and make you dizzy with power. There is always some wiseguy waiting in the wings to bring you back to earth with a splat. Dems da breaks, kiddo.

u

LEO (Jul 24–Aug 23) Proud Lions get itchy paws with Sun in Aries. You are anxious to explore parts unknown and taste the exotic flavors of the world. Tuck in and cast a wide net to feed your sensory hunger. It’s not a bad time for a vacation. Who knows what delightful tidbit waits for you in some far off corner of the globe. Did I say tidbit? I meant a three course meal.

i

VIRGO (Aug 24–Sep 23) If your timbers are shivered, blame the shake on Sun in Aries. Queer Virgins are emboldened and inflamed and feel absolutely over the top (for a change....). Simply put, you

Q Puzzle 24 Antigay activist Mabon 25 Gay Talese’s ___ Neighbor’s Wife 27 Lord of the Rings extra Queer Stargazing 28 Gather, after spilling Across one’s seed 1 Nabor’s branch, on TV 5 Teams in A League of 31 Edmonia Lewis work 33 Queens tennis stadium Their Own 35 Subj. for John Nash 10 Kemo ___ (Tonto’s 37 Last letter for Socrates male partner) 38 ...focus his ___ on the 14 One of Bernstein’s weightlifters’ bathing strings area? 15 Film critic Roger 41 Persona non ___ 16 You may go down on 44 Word after stone one 45 Heterosexual female in 17 Word used in dating The Lion King 18 Head of family, in 49 Target of Nick Malgieri song? 51 Nutty as a fruitcake 19 ___ instant (like premature ejaculation) 53 Butt 20 Question: Why did the 54 Site of Gay Games VI (abbr.) ___ ... 23 Less wordy

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LIBRA (Sep 24–Oct 23) Even difficult of relationships reach a level of understanding this week. If you can step back and assess the situation, the rough edges will smooth out a bit. Try not to compromise too much - rely on you power of persuasion instead. Proud Libras seeking a soulmate have ample opportunity to pick and choose. But you have to seek in order to find. Hint, hint.

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SCORPIO (Oct 24–Nov 22) Roll up your sleeves and get to work, gay Scorp. Sun in Aries seems to make every onerous job a little less awful and a little less stressful. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish with a bit of effort and attention. Who knows, you may be able to fob some of the worst work onto someone else. Ah, now that is what I call a job well done!

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23–Dec 22) Sun in Aries ignites your creative torch. Ouch! Queer Archers feel the need to express themselves in any way and by any means possible. Whether that means carving an ice sculpture or a place for yourself among the literati, seek unique forms of self expression and bloom. Why not tempt your gay muse with a trip to Paris? Or maybe just something French?

]

CAPRICORN (Dec 23–Jan 20) Pink Caps love the idea of hanging around the house in their loosely comfortable flannels with Sun in Aries. You conjure up any excuse to plotz, vegetate and rejuvenate. And why not? Attend to all your quiet home based and family projects and don’t feel guilty; There is nothing wrong with a time out as long as the emphasis is on “out”.

q

AQUEERIUS (Jan 21–Feb 19) You don’t have to weigh your words they come to you by the crateloads when the Sun enters Aries. Aqueerians wax poetic and charm even the most bestial of folks with sophisticated wit and panache. What a nice change of pace! Plant those bon mots quickly pal; you have quite a bit of explaining to do and this is the time to win them over... and over... and over.

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PISCES (Feb 20–Mar 20) Be prepared to reap your monetary rewards, Guppie. You may not usually be the most practical of folks but now you know a thing or two about the bottom line. Do your fiscal homework and study it carefully. Sun in Aries can make any bear more bullish. Greed is good, or so they say. The secret is to buy low and sell high….or something like that.

55 Abbr. after “rear,” in the navy 57 “I’m coming!” 59 Answer: He wanted to see the ___ 63 “I ___ Grow Up” 64 Chef Des Jardins 65 Foucault’s souls 67 Where to see Queer as Folk 68 George, who was Mary Ann 69 Go to the bottom 70 Poems of Sappho 71 “___ now our gay apparel…” 72 Italian wine center Down 1 Gay author Daniel Mendelsohn’s alma mater, for short 2 Rufus Wainwright and Lance Bass 3 Queen, for example 4 Has an effect like the Teletubbies

5 Movie preceder, once 6 “Yeah, right” 7 Songwriter Holly 8 Swashbuckling Flynn 9 Pool parties? 10 Kind of milk 11 Bening of Running with Scissors 12 Embrace from a hairy guy? 13 Dusk, to Dickinson 21 ___ Lingus (Irish airline) 22 Like an active partner 23 Vidal’s Visit ___ Small Planet 26 Oral vote 29 Served perfectly, to Mauresmo 30 Sat for Diana Davies 32 Jane Spahr’s last word, perhaps 34 Katharine’s _Butch Cassidy_ role 36 Final Foursome org.?

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FA I R LY O L D S O A P _____ _____ ___

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_____ ___ ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _! 39 Annoy during a blow job? 40 Edmund on a bad day? 41 Family docs 42 Mason portrayer Burr 43 Not too soft, to Stephen Pyles 46 Diana, to the Greeks 47 Part of YSL 48 Part of Etheridge’s equipment 50 Emulated Donald Weise 52 Way of the East 56 Williams’ significant other 58 Michael Landon’s “___ Teenage Werewolf” 60 Wheels at a P-town beach, perhaps 61 “Don’t ___ on My Parade” 62 Flat-bottomed boat 63 Put the moves on 66 Do the moguls

Puzzle solutions are on page 38.

A P R I L 1, 2 0 0 7    I S S U E 7 5    Q S A LT L A K E    3 7

Gazing at the Moon

cannot purge the urge to merge. Why fight it, lover? Burn the candle at both ends and try everything and everyone that life has to offer sexually. Which end is up? Does it matter?

Help Wanted

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All Kinds of jobs avail‑ able. Temp, temp to hire. Immediate need. All pay ranges. ­ Contact Steve Whittaker 801‑463‑4828.

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CAREER Are you looking for the perfect business to work from the privacy of your own home or at your own convenience? Then you have found it! If you are tired of being burned by all the earnfrom-home scams out there, then check out this opportunity. Your job is just to be a rep‑ resentative at your own convenient time, write back and i will give you more insight on the job, a response from you might be your greatest turn over to success in life, so what you wait‑ ing for, get back to me and you will be happy you did so. vmcknight_ arts80@yahoo.com 206-984-0147

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MISC.

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Solutions Cryptogram, from p. 37 “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!� Anagram, from P. 37: April Fools Day

Crossword Solution, from p. 37

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Now turn the newspaper over and read it the right way.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

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MAGA ZINE

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Cyber Slut Bingo D.I. Chicken Tortured, Held for Ransom We apologize for the graphic nature APRIL 1, 2007 ISSUE 75 of our cover, but we feel the gruesome pictures tell the story in a way mere words simply cannot. The Deseret Industries of Magna Chicken has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom. The Utah Cyber Sluts received horrifying photos of the chicken being bound, gagged and tortured the morning of Friday, March 23. “We are just in shock,” said Utah Cyber Slut Madam Ida Slapter. “The horror of it all. To see our cuddly ... well, he’s not so cuddly being made out of ceramic ... to see our adorable ... well, he’s not so adorable since he was, after all, given up to Rove: ‘Oh, I didn’t know it was the Magna DI ... to see the chicken bound THAT kind of bar. Dad raved so tightly, gagged with tape and water boarded is just unbearable. Not even an about it.’ ugly ceramic chicken deserves that.” Water boarding is a form of torture that simulates drowning, causing the victim to gag violently. The Sluts say they are unaware of the chicken’s gag reflex. The Sluts are organizing a candlelight vigil. Participants will be asked to wear chicken suits and beaks in support. Ophelia The one she always wore Up will be onhand to apply flame retardant, so no one will go up in flames and be barbecued finally just fell apart during the vigil. Tess Tickles wondered aloud what the motive of the chicknapper might be. “We’ve raised more than $10,000 over the past year of bingo, but all of that money has been given to charities. Do they think we’re made out of money? Have they seen our thrift store dresses?” she asked. Gene Geiber to Legally “Maybe the chicken has an evil twin,” said Change Name to Wilma Ruby Ridge, “or celebrity parents. Illegitimate children? We know so little about the poor Royal Court Asked chicken. I only wish I’d gotten to know him better before this unspeakable tragedy befell him.” to Perform at LDS Salt Lake City police detective Farney Bife is Conference asking anyone and everyone in the community who may have some information to please contact Comics him at 801-555-3900, extension 666. “We will leave no turn unstoned,” Fife told us in an exclusive interview. “I just hope we can find him before the next bingo game on Friday the ... gasp! ... 13th of April. Q

Karl Rove Spotted in Radio City Lounge Gayle Ruzicka Wears a Different Jacket Chris Buttars Is Found to Be the Missing Link

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