QSaltLake Magazine - 139 - Oct. 15, 2009

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Est. 200,000 March on Washington D.C.

O D X Q Q $

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Soon to Fabulous Person: Playwright be Repealed?

Julie Jensen

DiverseCity Writing Group & Queerreads Book Club

Staff Box publisher/editor

Michael Aaron assistant editor

In This Issue

JoSelle Vanderhooft arts & entertainment editor

ISSUE 139 • October 15, 2009

Tony Hobday graphic designer

A&E

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Literary Issue . . . . . .

News

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National . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Local. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Lambda Lore . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Snaps & Slaps. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Bullshattuck. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 The Straight Line. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Creep of Week. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Who’s Your Daddy? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

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ASSOCIATES

Gay Agenda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Restaurant Review. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Dining Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Crossword, Cryptogram. . . . . . . . . 38 Comics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 The Dating Diet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Qdoku. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Anagram. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Petunia Pap-Smear. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Puzzle Answers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 The Back Page. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44

Christian Allred contributors

Lynn Beltran Brad Di Iorio Ruth Hackford-Peer Ryan Shattuck Troy Williams Christopher Katis Petunia Pap-Smear

Joseph Dewey Anthony Paull Ruby Ridge Ben Williams Rex Wockner David Alder

contributing photographers

Becky Elenor Laurie Kaufman

Brian Gordon David Newkirk

sales manager

Brad Di Iorio office manager

Tony Hobday distribution

Brad Di Iorio Aaron Smith Gary Horenkamp Nancy Burkhart publisher

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News — World & National

by Rex Wockner

Court Says Russian Lesbians Can’t Marry

Moscow’s Tverskoi District Court ruled Oct. 6 that city officials were right to deny a marriage license to lesbian couple Irina Fedotova-Fet and Irina Shipitko.

The court said that under Russian law, marriage is a “union between a woman and a man.”

The couple now plan to go get married in Canada, then return and demand that Russia recognize that marriage.

The women’s lawyer, gay activist Nikolai Alekseev, said: “During the hearing, the judge asked Irina Shipitko, ‘Are you husband or wife?’ But perhaps the most surprising (thing) came later when we were waiting for the decision and an employee of the court came to us saying that he does not understand why the girls cannot be allowed to register their marriage.”

“Overall, the media coverage was positive with several Russian agencies quoting this campaign as an effort to raise awareness,” Alekseev said.

“Here we show a couple that is ready to go overseas to get married at any cost — and not a one-day PR action.”

Euro Court Moves on Russian Gay-pride Cases

The European Court of Human Rights has combined cases stemming from Moscow Mayor Yuri Luzhkov’s bans on gay-pride events in 2006, 2007 and 2008, and instructed Russian authorities to file a response by Jan. 20.

“Our actions and pressure finally made them move,” said plaintiff Nikolai Alekseev. “It means that in one year we should have a decision.”

In February, Alekseev and others picketed the court demanding that the cases be prioritized.

“This case is about a systematic denial of freedom of assembly for LGBT people in Russia since 2006,” Alekseev said. “But it goes beyond the LGBT borders and will help all human rights defenders and political groups as it will force Russia to change its law on demonstrations and public events.”

“We hope to have a decision before the fifth Moscow Pride scheduled for May 29, 2010,” he said. “Justice always comes, it’s only a matter of time.”

Luzhkov has banned pride for four years and has sent riot police to violently arrest small groups of activists who ignored the bans.

The mayor has said the bans are for gays’ own good so that “radical Christians” don’t “kill them.” Russian society, he has said, “does not accept all these homos.”

But Luzhkov also has called gay pride parades “satanic” and, reportedly, “weapons of mass destruction.”

Quips & Quotes ❝❝

“It will be up to the Salt Lake County District Attorney’s Office to decide whether charges will be filed against the neighbors.

Last week, prosecutor Alicia Cook edged open that door, saying the office would take another look.

I, and many others, will be watching.”

—Salt Lake Tribune columnist Peg McEntee after D.J. Bell’s press conference.

❝❝

Queer Culture Festival Succeeds in Russia The first International Festival of Queer Culture held in St. Petersburg Sept. 1727 was “the first successful openly queer event of this scale in Russia,” organizers said.

The festival included concerts, plays, photo exhibits, poetry events, seminars and workshops at multiple locations.

“As a result of the festival, different human rights groups and organizations have made plans for future collaboration and the queer community of St. Petersburg has been empowered to continue full participation in the social and cultural life of their city,” organizers said.

The local group Coming Out was the main force behind the festival, with assistance from the Russian LGBT Network, Lesbi Partiya, Gender-L, Ksenofobii-Net and other organizations.

The Dutch and Swedish consulates helped fund the festival.

U.S. Speaks Up for Gays at Euro Conference The U.S. government has defended gay people at an important European human-rights conference, the Council for Global Equality reported Oct. 8.

The move was believed to be the first such action by the U.S. in a European context.

At the annual Human Dimension Implementation Meeting of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe, held in Warsaw, the U.S. delegation spoke out “against violations of the rights to freedom of association, especially those targeting gay pride marches in Eastern Europe, while also noting patterns of extreme violence targeting LGBT citizens in the United States and Europe,” said CGE Chair Mark Bromley.

4 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

“This is the first time that the United States has used its position within the OSCE to address these alarming human rights trends,” he said.

The head of the U.S. delegation, Dr. Michael Haltzel, said that anti-LGBT violence discourages gay people from coming out and fighting for their rights.

“Acts of violence and human rights abuses toward individuals because of their sexual orientation or gender identity are ... a worrying — and increasing — trend that often goes unnoticed,” he said. “The extreme nature of violence against lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender individuals has a chilling effect on these individuals’ speaking openly and advocating for their rights.”

Haltzel also called on Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan “to decriminalize homosexuality.”

U.S. delegate Erika Schlager told the gathering that the United States is “concerned over the denial of permission for pride events in (various) countries and the violence that has been directed at participants in marches that do occur.”

Obama Names Gay Ambassador The White House said Oct. 7 that openly gay David Huebner will be named U.S. ambassador to New Zealand and Samoa.

Huebner, who must be confirmed by the Senate, is general counsel for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, though he is based in Shanghai, China, where he works for a U.S. law firm.

“This is great news,” said Jon Davidson, Lambda Legal’s legal director.

“David and I worked together at my old law firm years ago, (he) was on the board of GLAAD, and did a great job ensuring inclusion of anti-gay discrimination issues in the Christopher Commission’s report on the LAPD.”

“Beating Victim Blames Kool-Aid for Kids’ Presence.”

—Salt Lake Tribune headline for its article on Bell’s press conference.

❝❝

“I have a lot of cops in my family, so it’s strange for me to say, but I don’t feel safe in Utah. I don’t trust the police here. It’s strange because I spent my whole life looking up to cops.”

—Chris Swan, Bell and Fair’s roommate, as quoted in the Deseret News.

❝❝

“It’s best to just leave children alone, especially for a gay person, because there is still that stigma.

Unless you are a family member, do not interact with other people’s children.

It’s not safe.”

—D.J. Bell, when asked by City Weekly if he now feels differently about children.

❝❝

“Vigilant justice is illegal and should be handled appropriately; shame on the police for not taking the proper steps in the beginning. Bell had his day in court now it is the police department that needs to have a day in court.”

—Comment signed with the name “a little more” on the Deseret News’ story about Bell’s press conference .

❝❝

“What would happen if I showed up and asked them to change my orientation from straight to gay?”

-Murray resident Roland Kayser in a letter to the Salt Lake Tribune, asking a question of so-called reparative therapists.

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News — World & National

by Rex Wockner

D L

200,000 March on Washington The Stonewall 2.0 generation descended on the nation’s capital Oct. 11 to demand “equal protection in all matters governed by civil law in all 50 states.”

National Equality March lead organizer Cleve Jones estimated the turnout at 200,000 to 250,000. Towleroad. com’s Andy Towle said police gave him the same figure. Mainstream media reports pegged the turnout at “tens of thousands.” But, as Towle noted, “There were 10 times as many people still on Pennsylvania Avenue when the area in front of the stage had filled,” an assertion that is backed up by video Towle posted on his site.

The 2.3-mile march ended at the Capitol with hours of speeches, including one by pop-music sensation Lady Gaga.

“I have seen and witnessed so many things over the past two years and I can say with such certainty that this is the single most important moment of my career,” Gaga said.

“The younger generation, my generation, we are the ones coming up in the world, and we must continue to push this movement forward and close the gap. We must demand full equality for all. They say that this country is free and they say that this country is equal, but it is not equal if it’s (only) sometimes (equal).”

“Obama, I know that you’re listening. ARE YOU LISTENING?! We will continue to push you and your administration to bring your words of promise to a reality. We need change now. We demand action now.”

The night before the march, President Barack Obama addressed 3,000 people at the Human Rights Campaign’s national dinner. He promised to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but gave no timeline for doing so.

“I’m working with the Pentagon, its leadership and the members of the House and the Senate on ending this policy,” he said. “I will end Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

That’s my commitment to you.”

The gay blogosphere reacted very negatively, complaining that the speech added little or nothing to what Obama had said on gay issues during the presidential campaign.

But the speech was nonetheless remarkable for its comprehensive embrace of the gay activist agenda and its s o m e t i m e s moving rhetoric, the likes of which has never been uttered by a U.S. president.

“While progress may be taking longer than you’d like as a result of all that we face — and that’s the truth — do not doubt the direction we are headed and the destination we will reach,” the president said. “My expectation is that when you look back on these years, you will see a time in which we put a stop to discrimination against gays and lesbians, whether in the office or on the battlefield. You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships

6 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman.”

But many activists wanted more.

They wanted Obama to speak against the Nov. 3 referendum in Maine that would repeal the state’s law legalizing same-sex marriage, and against a similar initiative in Washington state that would repeal the “all but marriage” domestic-partnership law. They wanted to

know when Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will be repealed, when the Defense of Marriage Act will be repealed, and when the Employment Non-Discrimination Act will be passed.

Obama offered no “whens.”

“I could not discern anything new,” Cleve Jones said in an interview. “It felt like a reiteration of the pledges he made during the campaign, it felt like a campaign speech. It was well-written, it was beautifully delivered — the man has the gift — but, you know, I hope this is not true, but, we need to keep reminding ourselves and the young people who were not present during the Clinton administration that this is very similar. This is déjà vu all over again. The beautiful speeches, the flowery proclamations, the willingness to attend our parties and the list of well-connected people who get great jobs. I’m sorry, but appointing a gay man ambassador to New Zealand is not a very bold step. ... We’ve got to keep doing the work to push him to do the right thing.”

March Co-Director Robin McGehee was even less impressed.

“I was totally disappointed,” McGehee said in an interview.

“Our community let him off

and we did not force him by coming to that dinner to (announce) substantial change. All we got was another ‘Please wait.’ He got an A-plus on the Cliff Notes version of our rights that we’re denied, but a C-minus on what he’s actually doing to take care of it.”

Inside the HRC dinner, however, Obama was treated to repeated outbursts of raucous cheering, and Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese called it “a historic night when we felt the full embrace and commitment of the president of the United States.”

“It’s simply unprecedented,” Solmonese said. “President Obama told LGBT Americans that his commitment to ending discrimination in the military, in the workplace and for loving couples and their families is ‘unwavering.’

He made it crystal clear that he is our strongest ally in this fight, that he understands and, in fact, encourages our activism and our voice even when we’re impatient with the pace of change. But these remarks weren’t just for us, they were directed to all Americans who share his dream and ours of a country where ‘no one is denied their basic rights, in which all of us are free to live and love as we see fit.’”

The praise for Obama inside HRC’s fancy dinner and the denunciations of Obama in the streets of D.C. seemed to unequivocally confirm the split that’s emerged in the gay community in the

aftermath of the passage of Proposition 8 in California.

On one side, the grassroots, the netroots, many younger LGBT people and the Stonewall 2.0 folks, are pissed off, mad as hell and aren’t gonna take it anymore.

On the other side, the gay activist establishment, which seems to believe that business-as-usual “slow and steady” is still the way to go.

About halfway through the National Equality March, when it became clear that the turnout was big enough for the march to be deemed a huge success, a reporter said to Cleve Jones, “You realize you just split the gay movement in two.”

Jones nodded and grinned. Q

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: ‘Not Long for This World?’

Four gay and lesbian veterans and a University of Utah attorney discussed the military’s controversial Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy during the university’s Pride Week events.

Ex-Marine Jeff Key

Sponsored by the school’s LGBT Resource Center and the Hinckley Institute of Politics, the hour-long panel commemorated the 15th anniversary of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’s creation under the Clinton administration and examined its impact on gay and straight members of the military. The five panelists included Dan Choi, an infantryman facing a dishonorable discharge after coming out as gay on The Rachael Maddow Show in March; Sarah Hjalmarson, a retired army medic and U student; Jeff Key, a writer and former Marine; Valerie Larabee, the Utah Pride Center’s executive director and a U.S. Air Force veteran; and Cliff Rosky, an associate professor at the University of Utah’s S.J. Quinney College of Law. Kevin “Ken” Verdoia, a producer at the school’s PBS-affiliated KUED, moderated the discussion and opened with a brief summation of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’s history in the broader context of U.S. military history — in which George Washington dishonorably discharged the first soldier from his brigade for homosexual conduct. The current policy — which allows gays, lesbians and bisexuals to serve so long as they don’t discuss their orientation, engage in gay sex or enter into a marriage with someone of the same sex — was “actually concluded ... [as] progressive at the time” of its signing, said Verdoia. It was also supposed to be “a five-year band-aid” until a better policy could be written.

“I remind you we are now 15 years later,” he said.

Choi, one of only eight seniors in his class in the United States Military Academy at West Point, began his presentation

by explaining his reasons for coming out so publicly earlier this year. He said that his first relationship with another man and the school’s honor code, which states that “a cadet will not lie or tolerate those who lie” lead him to speak out on Maddow’s show.

“It doesn’t say straight cadets can lie, but gay cadets? It’s OK to lie,” said Choi, who also served as the week’s keynote speaker.

Choi said that his boyfriend Matthew made him “a better soldier and officer because I knew someone would love me and support me.” He noted that he brought this up during his discharge hearing as well as the slogan for the military’s current anti-suicide campaign: “No Soldier Stands Alone.” He said he told the presiding officers that the campaign was hypocritical, because it forced gay, lesbian and bisexual personnel to lie and often kept them from seeking the support after returning from combat zones with diagnoses of clinical depression and posttraumatic stress disorder, and struggling with suicidal thoughts.

“When are we going to tell our gay and lesbian soldiers that they don’t have to live and serve alone?” he asked.

In his presentation, Jeff Key told the crowd of roughly 30 students, faculty, public and press a little about his service in Iraq during 2003. Eventually he said he came out and left the military because he thought the strategy in Iraq was “ineffective.”

Noting that he often feels like an outsider in both veteran anti-war groups because he’s gay, and gay veteran groups because he is a peace activist, Key said he “knew what it feels like to stand lonely on conviction.”

Upon joining the military, Key said that he thought Don’t Ask, Don’t tell was “a good idea” because his life so far “had been steeped in secrecy and shame.” But during active duty, he said he realized the argument that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is necessary to enforce unit cohesion was wrong. When his fellow Marines feared they would die the next day, Key said they told him “things they’d never tell their wives.” Lying in return, he said, felt dishonorable.

When he contemplated leaving the Marines, Key said he called up some of these same officers — who knew he was gay — to ask them if they thought he was using “the gay card” only to get out of harm’s way in Iraq.

“If you do this, you’re going to be so much less safe than you are in Baghdad,” he said they had told him.

Hjalmarson and Larabee, in contrast, served under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, abided by the policy, and received honorable discharges. However, both said doing so came at a tremendous cost.

Hjalmarson said she spent four years “in a very quiet long distance relationship,” but her unit still figured out that she is lesbian.

“Everybody knew. They know. Or they assume — correctly in many cases,” she said. Regardless, she said that the units in which she served accepted her.

“Everybody loves the medic,” she joked.

Still, to avoid getting into trouble, Hjalmarson said she had to become “very proficient in the pronoun game” and left the service ultimately because she “couldn’t keep lying.”

Wanting to serve because her father had, Larabee said she lied on a document that asked her if she was a homosexual, and spent the next eight years lying.

“I was an actress when keeping the various parts of my life separate,” she said, noting that she was “almost three Vals” at one point.

The policy, she added, effects LGBT people who aren’t in the military as well, because lies hurt civilization.

“Lying in any capacity ... [has] costs to physical and mental health, and is a barrier to forming true, genuine and lasting relationships,” she said. “It is far gentler and kinder to our world to let people speak the truth.”

In recent years, several military officials, including Gen. Colin Powell, have

spoken out against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

In April, a Quinnipiac poll found that 56 percent of U.S. Americans favored lifting the ban. Additionally, Rosky mentioned that an article by Air Force colonel Om Prakash appearing in Joint Force Quarterly, a professional military and security publication, argued in favor of lifting the ban and against the idea that it hurts unit cohesion. Perhaps tellingly, the article won the 2009 Secretary of Defense National Security Essay competition.

Rosky also pointed out that the policy actually created a worse climate than the absolute ban it was intended to soften.

Eighty-three percent of discharges under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, he said, were because of statements and not behavior. If a servicemember is found out to have a “propensity” for homosexuality, Rosky said that person either must prove she or he is straight or that she or he is homophobic.

“Everyone has to prove they’re heterosexual constantly and one of the ways to do that is by being homophobic,” he said.

“So it creates the homophobia it was made to submit to.”

Regardless, Rosky noted that support for ending the policy among the public and military, and President Obama’s promise to strike down the policy gave people “every reason to believe this policy is not long for this world.”

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News

Q mmunity

Group Holds Service for Gay Mormon Suicide Victims, Survivors

A group seeking reconciliation between she served the church as hard as she the LDS Church and gay, lesbian, bisex- could and got married twice, including ual, transgender and otherwise queer once to a gay man — a marriage that she people held a service honoring gay and joked “lasted three days.” She described transgender suicide victims and cele- eventually coming out to her family (who brating those who have integrated their accepted her) as “part of healing for me.” faith and sexuality at the First Unitar- Her 17 nieces and nephews, said Ball, helped her to learn to love herself, inian Church of Salt Lake City on Oct. 4.

Peter Danzig, communications direc- cluding one niece who drew the Human tor of the Foundation for Reconciliation Rights Campaign’s equality sign flag for (also known as LDSApology.org), opened a class project in which students were the ceremony asked what they would like to tell Presiwith a reading dent Obama.

“She drew a picture of the HRC flag of Adrienne Rich’s poem and below it wrote, ‘I would help fight for “In Their Hon- equality.’ This is a 6-year-old girl,” said or” and a call Ball.

“I can’t change that the church doesn’t to end “rejecting behaviors want me,” Ball said in closing. “I want on all sides of them. I wanted them. But they don’t want the issue [in the me. But I can love people around me. In battle between my excommunication letter, the last line the gay and said, ‘We pray that your hear may be t r a n s g e n d e r softened and that you repent and return c o m m u n i t y to the Savior.’ I ask the church to do the and the LDS same. That they will return to the SavChurch over ior and love all the Saints, including the same-sex mar- LGBT Saints.”

LDS actor Will Swenson, star of such riage rights].”

The evening films as The Singles’ Ward, addressed the featured a number of speakers including assembly in a video titled Bring Them In gay and transgender-affirming members from the Plains. The 11 minute film, narof the LDS Church, former gay and les- rated by Swenson, described a famous bian Mormons, and the children of gay incident in LDS pioneer history: Church Leader Brigham Young’s suspending of LDS parents.

Dr. William Bradshaw, a retired BYU all LDS Conference business to exhort professor of molecular biology and co- Utah Mormons to rescue the Willie and chair with his wife Marge of the gay- Martin handcart companies from being affirming LDS Family Fellowship, spoke stranded in a snow storm on the Great first. The parent of a gay son, Bradshaw Plains. The daring and successful rescue said that he loved his “gay and lesbian operation is a source of pride for many brothers and sisters in and out of Mor- Latter-day Saints, as is Young’s famous mondom and grieves at the loss of any of quote from which the film derived its title. them.”

The film drew comparisons between Quoting gay political blogger Andrew Sullivan, Bradshaw discussed the trials the stranded company and gay and faced by gay and lesbian Mormons in transgender Mormons, who have been adolescence, including “a terrible sense “driven far from home by family and of not belonging,” a feeling that acknowl- communities who failed to understand edging the “truth of homosexual self … them” and by church leaders who will will not make you free,” and a feeling of not acknowledge their pain or offer them being forsaken by family and by God. He help.

“They [church leaders] cannot give called upon all straight people in the audience to imagine themselves as “being us back our sons, daughters, brothers part of the effort to change” such a world, and sisters lost to suicide … but they can help us with the healing we seek,” or their part of that world at least.

“We must comfort and bear one anoth- said Swenson. The film closed with the er’s burdens,” he said. “We must speak, names, biographies and photos of many we must act, we must stand for some- gay Latter-day Saints (mostly men) who thing. We will not allow the uninformed committed suicide, and to all of the un[about gay and transgender people] to re- known victims “because there is silence instead of a name.” main ignorant.”

Emily Pearson, an actress, author and Next, Carolyn Ball, an “excommunicated Mormon lesbian” and a 5th genera- daughter of acclaimed writer Carolyn tion Mormon described growing up in the Pearson, concluded the service. In tears herself, Pearson described that the pride closet in Idaho.

“I do remember, at the age of 14, feeling the handcart story inspired within her, a lot of hatred for myself and that hatred and how she left the church after leaders told her gay father that “he would be betbecame very deep,” she recalled.

To stop hating herself, Ball said that ter off dead than as a homosexual.”

8 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

Although Pearson was disheartened by the passage of California’s Proposition 8 last November, she said that the re-banning of gay marriage in the Bay State, “weirdly restored my hope in good Mormon people of the world.”

“I have hope because they are changing. They are listening and letting go of prejudice and listening to what He who is the leader of their church told them to do: to love. We will be all right. Our people are born pioneers.”

The service also included a candlelighting ceremony and musical performances by Allison Herbert and Mona Stevens and Jani Gamble of the band Sister Wives, Karen Andrews of The Saliva Sisters, and Danzig himself leading the assembly on banjo in a rendition of “Come, Come Ye Saints” which included a verse about gay and lesbian Mormons written by Sikoki Layton.

Visit the Foundation for Reconciliation at LDSApology.org. Q

Last Farmer’s Market The Farmer’s Market will be shutting its gates for the season after Oct. 17. Right now, delicious autumn produce is available including tomatoes, potatoes, cucumbers, sweet corn, green beans, early apples, squash and a variety of fruit. Live entertainment, local artisans and a Saturday brunch are also featured.

WHEN: Saturday morning, Oct. 17, 8 a.m. to 1 p.m.

WHERE: Historic Pioneer Park, 300 S 300 W INFO: downtownslc.org

Ghost Tours Throughout October, bus tours of Salt Lake City and Ogden’s haunted spots are offered. Narrated by a professional storyteller, these tours are a great lead up to Halloween Night.

WHEN: Oct. 2–31, Friday and Saturday nights at 6, 7, 8 and 9 p.m. in Salt Lake City and Ogden.

WHERE: In Salt Lake, meet behind the Rio Grande, 300 S 500 W. In Ogden, meet in the North Union Station parking lot.

COST: $12-$18, and $1 off with a donation of a canned food item to the Utah Food Bank.

INFO: 801-529-4497 for Salt Lake reservations, 801-604-1218 for Ogden reservations, storytours.com

sWerve Fun Bus Lesbian civic and social group sWerve will host a Fun Bus to Wendover later this month. Ticket price includes buffet, coupons, one cocktail, beverages (including wine and beer), a 10 percent discount at casino gift shops and $5 cash back.

WHEN: Oct. 24 WHERE: Meet at the Utah Pride Center for 4 p.m. departure. Bus arrives in Wendover at 5:30 p.m. and returns at 2 a.m.

COST: $15 per ticket INFO: swerveutah.com

Donate to KRCL KRCL 90.9 FM, the community radio station that features such gay and gay-friendly programs as RadioActive and What Not, What Have You and Such as That with Sister Dottie S. Dixon, held a successful pledge drive in September.

However, the station is still accepting donations. KRCL is listenersupported, meaning that pledges from the community are essential for its daily operations. To pledge visit krcl.org.

D.J. Bell Tells His Side of the Story

During an Oct. 5 press conference, David James “D.J.” Bell announced he and his partner will file suit against the former next-door neighbors who severely beat them after accusing Bell of attempting to kidnap two of the neighbors’ children from an all-night party.

For the first time since the attack, Bell recounted his side of events from 14 months ago that lead him to being jailed for 6 weeks and charged with burglary and attempted child kidnapping, which carry a minimum 30-year prison sentence.

Bell’s story is a familiar one to many Utahns, inside and outside of the gay community. In the early hours of July 5, 2008 at least six neighbors beat Bell and his partner Dan Fair shortly after one neighbor, Lulu Latu, found two children (one hers, and one a relative’s) on Bell’s property and returned them to her house.

In the days after the beating and arrest, several stories about what happened that night circulated throughout Utah’s gay community and even through various news outlets. These included reports that the children had wandered next door in search of their mother, and that Bell had agreed to let them sleep on his couch to escape the noisy late night party.

Bell’s attorneys, Roger Kraft and Susanne Gustin, dismissed these as “rumors.”

“We saw many of the blogs and posts [at the time], and they’re laughable,” said Kraft.

Rather, Bell sketched out the following timeline. On the night of the beatings, he said he went to the party looking for his cat. After spending some time at the party, and even singing with his neighbors, he said he returned home intending to have one more drink before going to bed. On the way home, he said he spotted the two children, one of who asked if he was drinking Kool-Aid, and if they could have some.

“I said, ‘You can’t have this one. This is a grown-up drink, but I can get you some,” said Bell. He said that he went home and filled two glasses for the children, who followed him and stood outside the door. They stood outside the entire time, Bell noted.

When Bell took their empty glasses, he said he turned around and found Lulu Latu in his house “demanding to know what I was doing with her kids.”

“And before I even had a chance to even say one word, I was attacked,” said Bell. “She swung at me several times, hit me around the head and neck, smacked me into my refrigerator where I started to fall down and see stars.”

Bell said that Latu took the children home after calling him and others in the

house “faggot pedophiles” and warning them to lock their doors and windows “because once my family finds out that my kids were here, they’re going to fucking flip out.”

Bell said he and others in the house locked the doors immediately, and shortly after, people from next door began smashing their windows. Bell recounted that they pulled him out of the house, threw him down on the carport, and began smashing his face into the cement while stepping on his back and pulling his right leg up. As he began to get dizzy, he said he felt someone cutting into his foot with what later turned out to be a piece of broken glass from the window.

Bell and his attorneys also said that the South Salt Lake City Police Department conducted a “poor investigation.” Kraft said that police did not take pictures of Latu’s house until July 7. Gustin also noted that police had not called in a crime scene unit and had not interviewed four other witnesses who were in Bell and Fair’s house at the time of the attacks.

“They investigated like someone went and took a candy bar from the 7-11,” she said.

South Salt Lake police officer Gary Keller defended the investigation on KSL Channel 5, calling it thorough and saying that the department’s best evidence was not used in Bell’s trial.

“We interviewed a large number of people — well over 15 people,” he said.

“We collected all the information at the time. Crime Scene was called out.”

He also called Gustin’s criticisms “unprofessional.”

“It’s very irritating that she’d make a comment like that,” he said.

One of those witnesses, Megan Dunyon, was on hand. She told reporters that police at the scene had asked only some basic questions, like witness’ names and their drivers license numbers. And when she and other witnesses asked if they could leave to go to the hospital, she said one of the neighbors, in front of police, threatened to kill them and their “faggot friend.”

Later, when Dunyon called the police department to have them interview her, she said she received no response.

“They didn’t take our calls. I tried to leave messages,” she said. “Oh, and two days before the trial we got calls from someone wanting to talk to us. [They left a] message, they wouldn’t say what it was regarding. I looked up the prefixes of the number, and it was the DA’s office.”

Bell’s sister Emily Gammell, her husband Garrison, and the couple’s friend Chris Swann also lived in the house at the time but were not home on the night of the attacks. The next day, they said they came home to kicked-in doors, carpets stained with blood and neighbors

making threatening gestures. Despite repeated calls, they say police ignored these threats.

“We weren’t even involved [and didn’t know] what was going on,” said Swann.

“We were trying to find out what happened ... and they [the police] said just to go in the house and don’t talk to the neighbors. And we’re like, ‘Well we understand, but obviously they’ve broken in already and none of them have been arrested, they’re still over [at the house next door].’ And they said, ‘Well, that’s just too bad.’”

Despite one neighbor aiming his finger at her husband like a gun, Gammell said that police dismissed the neighbors’ threats as “idle,” and told the three to stop calling and “get over it.” “[They said] the neighbors’ actions were warranted, and everything they did was justified,” said Gammell.

Bell and his attorneys said that they would name at least two of the neighbors specifically in the civil suit. When asked if they would sue the police department, Kraft said: “We’re certainly not precluding the possibility of other entities being sued as part of this.”

Gustin, however, said she did “not foresee” the District Attorney’s office being sued, adding that the DA merely acted on the reports the police department gave them.

The DA’s office initially declined to file charges against the family members.

After Bell’s acquittal, however, District Attorney Lohra Miller said her office would reconsider.

“And I hope that they file attempted murder charges at least against some of these people,” said Gustin. “Because they did not leave DJ alone until he was

unconscious and they thought he was dead ... and you’ve seen Dan’s pictures.

He was within an inch of his life, the doctors said.”

Fair is still in need of surgery to repair a tear duct damaged in the beating. Along with scars on his chin, neck, chest and right foot, Bell said that he is partially deaf in his right ear and has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Any sudden loud noises in the middle of the night terrify me. I wake up screaming and my partner has to comfort me,” he said.

Dunyon, who has fibromyalgia, added that the stress of the event has also aggravated her own illness.

“And it’s not just me, I know. It’s all of us,” she said.

Even though lawyer fees have taken a financial toll on Bell and his family, Bell said that he is not filing a civil suit for the money.

“I would like to see those responsible incarcerated to where they can actually get help. I don’t mean just incarcerated, I mean counseling. Severe therapy,” he said.

When asked why he had not decided to just move on with his life, Bell said doing so was impossible.

“As long as the people who attacked me are still free, I’m not free,” he said.

Bell and his attorneys did not say what damages they would seek in the civil case, adding that they would leave that up to the advice of the civil attorneys working with them.

Kraft said that he anticipated that the suit would be filed shortly.

A complete transcript of the press conference can be found at qsaltlake.com.

So. Utah AIDS Walk Raises $3,000 A walk to benefit a southern Utah AIDS organization raised over $3,000 this year — just one grand shy of the money spent for testing last year, according to its president, Chris Doss.

The 12th annual walk, to benefit the Tri-State HIV/AIDS Task Force, took place in the gay-friendly art village of Kayenta on Sept. 26. Formerly known as the Washington County HIV/AIDS Task Force, the organization provides monthly HIV testing for residents in Southern Utah, and parts of Nevada and Arizona at St. George’s Doctors’ Volunteer Clinic, as well as testing at other large events throughout the year, such as World AIDS Day on Dec. 1.

The task force is currently the only group in Southern Utah that offers HIV/AIDS testing to the public at large.

Planned Parenthood is the only other organization that offers testing for STDs like gonorrhea and chlamydia, which along with HIV infections have been on the rise in Utah for the past several years.

This year, organizers asked walkers to contribute a donation of at least $11, the

cost of one, rapid HIV test. According to The Spectrum, St. George’s daily newspaper, roughly 60 walkers participated in the event.

The walk comes at a particularly grim time for HIV/AIDS care in Utah. In September, the Salt Lake Tribune published an article about substantial cuts to Utah’s AIDS Drug Assistance Program which are set to leave 99 Utahns without the ability to pay for the antiretroviral drugs that keep them alive. The cuts came about because of a $375,000 shortage in the program.

“They’re cutting human lives,” task force volunteer George Stoddard told the paper at the event. “This disease has not gone. It’s still here and we need to emphasize testing and prevention.”

According to the Utah Department of Health’s statistics, 45 new HIV cases have been reported throughout the state between January and June of 2009. Last year, 66 new cases were documented.

Men who have sex with men make up the majority of new diagnoses, and have for the past several years.

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 9

News

SSLC City Police Dept Statement on Bell Press Conference On Oct. 7, the South Salt Lake City Police Department issued the following statement in response to a press conference at which David James “DJ” Bell and his attorneys Roger Kraft and Susanne Gustin criticized the department’s handling of the investigation into allegations that Bell had kidnapped two children and the beating Bell and his partner Dan Fair received at the hands of some members of the childrens’ family that same night: In the early morning hours of July 5, 2008, a violent altercation broke out between next-door neighbors and their guests in reaction to a suspected kidnap-

ping of two toddlers by Mr. DJ Bell. Mr. Bell has now been acquitted of kidnapping charges.

During the altercation, Mr. Bell and Daniel Fair, Mr. Bell’s roommate, sustained injuries.

South Salt Lake Police quickly responded to multiple 911 calls and took control of the situation.

An investigation was conducted and the information was presented to the District Attorney’s office for its decision whether to pursue both kidnapping charges against Mr. Bell and assault charges against the parents and guests.

The South Salt Lake City Attorney’s office also reviewed the results of the police investigation and consulted with

the DA’s office. The decision whether to file assault charges against the alleged assailants of DJ Bell and Daniel Fair is still pending with the DA’s office.

Because Mr. Bell has been acquitted and because possible criminal charges arising from the incident are still under consideration, the police department will not discuss the specific facts of the case.

Notwithstanding, the police department feels a responsibility to respond to public criticism of its handling of the matter.

Accounts of the incident that have been presented in the media do not accurately reflect the evidence obtained during the police investigation. Both the police response and investigation were proper.

Any allegation to the contrary is based upon either a poor understanding or misrepresentation of the investigative facts.

There will be no further comment by the police department at this time.

Affirmation Announces Site for Families with Gay Members

Photo by Anne Fishbein

OCTOBER 24 CAPITOL THEATRE Tickets Now On Sale at arttix.org or 801-355-ARTS

A support group for current and former gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Latter-day Saints, their families, friends and allies has announced the creation of a new Web site to help families understand what to do next when a loved one, especially a child, comes out as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

The goal of keepthemandlovethem. org, said Affirmation’s Executive Director David Melson, is to help keep families together.

“When a family member comes out, the short-term effects can be traumatic to other family members,” he said. “Like the Mormon Church, we believe our family is the most important thing in this world. We must keep our children close, love them and support them, and keep our families intact.”

Although the Web site is still under construction, it currently includes testimonies from gay youth about their coming out experiences, LDS parents of gay children and gay men who have married women, as well as articles on the Bible and homosexuality geared towards Latter-day Saints. It also has an in-progress FAQ for LDS youth which addresses such topics as whether gay and lesbian young adults should serve missions, and articles discussing the complex issues facing men whom the church pressures into marriage to “cure” their homosexuality.

“You may be angry, you may be hurt, you may be afraid when your child, or your parent, or your spouse says, ‘I’m gay,’” the Web site’s introduction reads.

“Your loved one has likely already felt all of those and more. Though it may not feel like it to you, nothing has actually changed. You are the same parent you were before your child came out, or the same child, or the same spouse, and your gay family member’s only change is the freedom from carrying the secret of her

10 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

or his orientation or gender identity.”

Affirmation said it hopes the Web site can be used not only to keep families together, but to help end the epidemic of gay and transgender youth homelessness.

“Homeless kids all over this country are sleeping in shelters or on the streets because of their family’s rejection when the families learn they are gay,” said Robert Moore, director of Affirmation’s Young Adults Program. “I personally know dozens of homeless gay kids who have been forced to make desperate choices in order to survive.”

Melson added that he hopes the site can also be a tool that Affirmation and the LDS Church can both use to “produce real solutions to real problems” facing families with gay and transgender members.

Q mmunity PWACU Poinsettias Pre-order Beautiful Red Poinsettias in 6-inch pots with an attractive satin pot cover. With five or more blooms per plant, their poinsettias (plant and pot) average 15-19” tall and 15” wide. Their poinsettias are locally grown to ensure freshness. coST: $10 ea. or $75 for eight InFo: pwacu.org

Spy Hop Productions 7th Annual PitchNic Film World Premiere Screening Spy Hop Productions PitchNic students will showcase four films:Destination: SLC, a documentary by Collin Griffith and Chris Carpenter, which details a refugee’s journey to make a new home from Africa to Salt Lake City; Brains, a narrative created by Loren Ruiz, Rachel Fairclough, and Britt Decker which chronicles the story of two brothers making a zombie survival guide; Brother of Mine, a documentary by Ethan Pullan, Alek Sabin and Pat Thompson, accounting the personal story of Ethan Pullan’s brother who died tragically from leukemia and his family’s challenge to cope; The Antagonist, a film by Daniel Pimentel ,May Bartlett, and Kevin Lestarge narrates a character’s struggle against his writer to change his murderous fate. Film trailers can be viewed at www.spyhop.org.

WHen: Wedensday, Nov. 11 7-9 p.m.

WHeRe: Rose Wagner Performing Arts Center, 138 W. Broadway. coST: $5, 801-355-ARTS or arttix. org.

Halloween Art Show The Utah Arts Alliance will host Salt Lake City’s First Annual Halloween Art Show. Featured artists include Dallas Russell of Salt Lake City, founder of Easily Amused Goods. Dallas’ art makes excellent gifts, which are intended for the frequently exuberant, the blatantly giddy, the often nostalgic and, of course, the easily amused. Also featured is Norma Jean Almodovar of Los Angeles. Her sculptures range from the gory to erotic.

WHen: Regular gallery hours through Oct. 31 WHeRe: Utah Arts Alliance Gallery, 127 S. Main St. coST: Free InFo: utaharts.org

DiverseCity Wants to Hear Your Voice

As writers know, putting words to paper and refining them into a tstrong piece of work is often a lonely process — especially if you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and otherwise queer. But for several years, queer writers have had a group to help them through all of those frustrating edits and periods of writer’s block.

The DiverseCity Writing Group meets at the Salt Lake City Public Library on the 2nd and 4th Monday of each month. It is one of many programs administered by the Salt Lake Community College Writing Center, which is housed in the building.

Although the group is sponsored by the school, it is open to members of the public at large, as is the center itself. The center, said John Wilks, who co-coordinates the group with Christina Smith, is available to help individuals — students and others — with writing cover letters and resumes, writing coaching and other non-schoolrelated projects. “As a general rule, we’re not here to assist students with their academic work,� he said.

The writing grou p s s p o n sored by the center are just one more aspect of its outreach said Wilks.

And this one, he said, is particularly vital to the community. “I think this is an important group because gay and lesbian people being marginalized in society may not feel comfortable going to a regular [writing] group. They might not feel comfortable sharing their work there,� said Wilks, noting that bisexual, transgender and straight allied writers are welcome to join as well.

Wilks added that several other writing groups are held across the city in places like the King’s English Bookstore, the Sorensen Community Center and other libraries. None of the groups, he said, is focused on a particular style of writing, like fiction or poetry. “[The group] is an opportunity for writers to come together to share ideas, give each other feedback, to form a community,� he said. “We think people of different writing styles bring different approaches to writing. So if you write fiction, it’s good to get people who write articles to look at

it [for example]. That’s why we mix our writers as much as possible.�

Wilks said he or DiverseCity co-mentor Brian Short starts each group session with a few announcements of upcoming local writing events, and then opens the floor for people to share work they have brought. Often, he also leads the group in writing exercises. Overall, he stresses that participants in the DiverseCity group do not need to write specifically about being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, or even about issues facing the community. “You could be writing about something totally different,� he said.

Along with regular workshops, the Community Writing Center has released a publication twice a year, which features pieces workshopped in its various groups. “It’s an actual physical book released once a year in June, and we do an online publication in December,� said Smith. A reading, she added, typically accompanies the unveiling of both publications, and one is scheduled for Dec. 9 this year.

The compilation is then distributed to libraries and bookstores in the city. “It’s a great opportunity for all writers in our groups, but I’d be especially happy to have the LGBT voices in there, to have their pieces in that anthology,� she said.

While the group has a few regulars (mostly in their 20s and older), Wilks and Smith said they are hoping for more writers to come and get involved. Wilks said he has plans to send some signs advertising the center to high schools and various gay-straight alliances on high school and university campuses. “We’re here and we’re a resource for writers no matter who they are, what educational background they may or may not have, whatever competency level they think they have, they’re welcome to just come and hang out,� said Smith.

DiverseCity will meet Oct. 25, Nov. 9 and Nov. 23 at the downtown library from 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. For more information about the Community Writing Center, visit slcc.edu/cwc/. Q

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Oc tober 15 , 20 09  |  issue 139  |  QSa lt L a k e  |  11

Views

Something you read make you gleeful?

QSaltLake welcomes letters from our readers.

Send your letter of under 300 words to: letters@QSaltLake.com QSaltLake reserves the right to edit for length or libel or reject any letter.

Q Street For our annual literary ­issue, we asked:

❝ ❝What is the favorite gay-, lesbianor transgenderrelated book or story you have read?

Joe Borg Full Circle

by Thomas Ford This book was so riveting, taking you through decades with a love triangle that lasted from the 1950s to 2000. It’s such a good read.

Trevor Johnson

Joni Weiss

Jade Sarver

Joshua Bytendorp

Todd Taylor

At Swim, Two Boys

by Jamie O’Neill It has the simple prose of a book you read in middle school. Theres no overt preaching but rather a love story that happens to be between men. This is what I feel will move gay rights forward — stories, content and people who are judged, and produce content thats just plain good, not good on a special gay scale.

She’s Not There — A Life in Two Genders

by Jennifer Finney Boylan This book, more than any other book or online resource, gave me hope that, upon coming out, I could transition and still live a life that was better than the house of cards I had created so far with my life of deception. I realized I could live, and live an authentic, truthful and honest one at that.

Boy Meets Boy

by David Levithan I loved this book and thought the characters were wonderful. It reminded me a little of my own coming out experience through high school. I would recommend this book to anyone struggling with their own sexuality or to someone who wants to read a story about what high school really should be like.

Fairy Tales: Traditional Stories Retold For Gay Men.

by Peter Cashorali This book gives you the classic fairy tales like Beauty and the Beast but gives them a gay twist. It shows love in a new light.

I had the hardest time putting the book down. I love children’s fairy tales.

And the Band Played On

by Randy Shilts I was taking classes on public health and epidemiology at the time. It was profoundly interesting from a scientific viewpoint as well as the way the AIDS issue played out in the MSM and politics.

12 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

Fabulous People Julie Jensen: Two-Headed Playwright

by JoSelle Vanderhooft

A

Utah’s most talented writers working throughout its 113-year history would not be complete without Julie Jensen, Salt Lake Acting Company’s resident playwright and the mind behind such critically acclaimed plays as The Last Lists of My Mad Mother, Wait! and, perhaps most notably, Two-Headed, about the Mountain Meadows Massacre, polygamy and desire as seen through the eyes of two LDS women, conservative Hettie and troubled Lavinia, whose love for a deceased female friend from her childhood is as essential to the plot as the violence that drives Hettie and Lavinia together.

While many people think the play’s title comes from a two-headed calf mentioned early on, Jensen says “twoheaded� is a metaphor for the way a gay or lesbian person navigates the heterocentric world. “That’s the way you feel; you have one head that goes out into the world and another head that lives someplace else,� she explained. “And if you’re a gay person, particularly a gay person in the closet, it’s exactly split. You have two heads.�

It’s a metaphor with which Jensen can easily identify. “In my early life I thought there were only two gay women in the world: me and somebody who lived in Seattle,� she said. “So [when writing Two-Headed] I thought, well, if that were the way you imagined the world to be, and you had no other recourse, you would live in your head and that would be the romance in your life. It would be imaginary.�

Jensen’s interest in LDS history and culture and its intersection with gays and lesbians is closely tied to her own history. Born and raised in Beaver, Utah, she can trace her ancestry back to the railroad’s arrival in Utah during the 1860s. In fact, her mother’s family was originally excommunicated from the church for not agreeing to practice polygamy. Ironically — and perhaps fitting with her description of herself as “more like Lavinia than Hettie� — Jensen somewhat re-enacted her forebearers’ struggle when she demanded that the church excommunicate her a few decades ago — a request with which list of

the church, eager in the 1970s and ’80s to purge its rolls of inactive members — readily complied. “I asked them to do it, they were bugging me,� she said.

But while Jensen’s roots are in Utah, she has lived all over the country; working for producer Norman Lear in Hollywood for five years, teaching college classes in Sacramento and Indiana, and earning a doctorate of philosophy in playwriting in Detroit, after which she taught playwriting at the University of Las Vegas for several years. “I jumped all over,� she said.

And during all that jumping, she also was slowly coming out of the closet. In the early part of her teaching career, Jensen taught at a Catholic college which she described as “a threatening place to be for a gay person.� However, by the time she reached UNLV’s theatre department, she said she was “pretty much out.� “I just didn’t talk about it a whole lot,� she remembered. “I wrote what I wrote [frequently plays featuring lesbian leads] and nobody really worried about it, it seemed. I mean, I’m living with my partner now, so there’s no pretense at all. But it was gradual, as these stories go.�

Eventually, Jensen left UNLV and returned to Utah because she had received “two big grants� through Salt Lake Acting Company to write plays, one of which was The Dust Eaters, a drama about the intertwined lives of two families, one white Latter-day Saint and one Goshute, living in Western Utah. While she initially thought the move would be temporary, Jensen has remained in Utah since and considers herself to be more or less settled here.

She also considers herself to be, more or less, exclusively a playwright.

To date, she has written 15 full-length plays, of which six are published, and 10 ten-minute plays. Currently, she is working on a commission for Penn State University’s graduate acting class — seven actors and 14 characters instead of the two to four characters Jensen is used to writing. “It’s kind of fun to play with a bigger palate than is normally the case,� said Jensen, noting that professional

theatres are typically reticent to touch plays with more than four actors because of the cost of salaries. “But college productions want a lot of actors in the play so they can give a lot of kids experience.�

There is also She Was My Brother, her latest full-length play based on the life of We’wha, a two-spirited Zuni, and two white Victorian ethnologists — a man and a woman — who meet and fall in love with her while studying her tribe. The play, said Jensen, is a meditation not only on the complexities of desire and gender and the way white people “make up� stories and personalities about non-white people, but a meditation on the problems of being emotionally dishonest. Jensen said she is convinced that the historical ethnographers’ Victorian sexual baggage and their uneasiness with their feelings about We’wah prevented them from writing honestly and respectfully about two-spirited people. “I’m convinced [the historical ethnographers] decided not to write about it because they couldn’t because of their own Victorian stuff,� she explained. “And had they been able to, maybe it would have changed things for us. When you self-censor like that, it’s frightening what it can do or what

it perpetuates.�

Whether writing about Southwestern Native American tribes, Mormons or harried lesbian daughters dealing with ailing parents, Jensen’s work always has one thing in common: it is never anything but a play. “I like to say that I set out every time to write something else [besides a play], and then in about two pages they’ve said something and somebody said something back and I’m off on the dialogue and that’s the end of it!� she laughed. “I was interested in theatre very early on,� she continued. “I always think that experiences in theatre, when they’re good, are better than anything else, any other art form. It’s problematic a lot of times, but when it works, there’s just nothing like it. If you write a novel, it’s so distant.�

In fact, she says the same of writing itself. “My life is writing. I have a partner and we go up the canyon and over to Antelope Island and we travel some, but I’m always thinking about when I can get some more time to work,� she said.

She Was My Brother recently premiered at Borderlands Theatre in Tucson, Ariz.  Q

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by Matthew Ivan Bennett World Premiere Oct 22-31, 2009 Wonderland turned on its ear. Literally. A dark re-imagining of what lies down the rabbit hole. Our fifth annual RADIO HOUR in partnership with KUER. Featuring X96’s Bill Allred, live music and sound effects.

Wallace

by Jenifer Nii & Debora Threedy World Premiere Mar 4-14, 2010 Wallace Stegner is the dean of Western writers.

Wallace Thurman was the heart of the Harlem Renaissance.

Their lives intertwine in this rumination on the power of place and the meaning of home.

Amerigo

by Eric Samuelsen World Premiere Apr 8-18, 2010 Who truly discovered America? Is it home to religious visionaries? A salesman’s paradise? Sexualized commerce? Nature commodified? A free-ranging debate over who we are and who we can become.

And the Banned Slammed On May 1, 2010

Utah’s only fundraiser featuring five short plays created in 24 hours inspired by incidents of Utah censorship.

1 4 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

media sponsor

Creep of the Week Michael D. Duvall

by D’Anne Witkowski

O

h, open microphones, you career

ending menaces, you. Why must you insist on amplifying the voices of insolent, disgusting, hypocritical assholes like Michael D. Duvall?

In case you are unfamiliar, Duvall represents Orange County in the California Assembly, and last year was a strong opponent of marriage equality for gays and lesbians.

According to OC Weekly, two days after Duvall was put “on the Rules Committee that oversees member ethics, the second-term, conservative, Republican assemblyman sat in a public hearing and vividly described lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist whose clients had business before another committee on which Duvall sits.”

Duvall is the vice chairman of the Utilities & Commerce committee, and the female lobbyist in question works for an energy company.

How vividly?

“She wears little eye-patch underwear,” he tells fellow Republican Jeff Miller. “So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday — a lot!

And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me! So messy!’”

Now, I am not an underwear expert.

But what is “eye-patch underwear” and how does one wear it? Is she wearing underwear on her face? Or does she have an eye in her nether regions? I am confused about this woman’s anatomy.

He continues, “So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, ‘I know you like spanking me.’ I said, ‘Yeah! Because you’re such a bad girl!’”

Duvall also talked about a second ongoing affair. According to the OC: “Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, ‘So are we finished?’ I go, ‘No, we’re not finished.’ I go, ‘You know

about the other one, but she doesn’t know about you!”

Uh, now she does. And Duvall’s wife and two children do too.

“Duvall,” OC Weekly reports, “apparently had no idea his dais microphone became live beginning about a minute before the start of a cable-televised committee.”

Yes. Apparently.

On Sept. 9, Duvall posted an apology on his Web site, along with news that he was resigning. But he admitted no wrong doing.

“I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the assembly,” the statement reads. “I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office.”

How noble of him.

“I want to make it clear that my deciC sion to resign is in M no way an admission that I had an affair or Y affairs. My offense was engaging inCM inappropriate storytellMY ing and I regret my CY language and choice of words. The resultCMY ing media coverage was proving to beK an unneeded distraction to my colleagues and I resigned in the hope that my decision would allow them to return to the business of the state.”

You see? Duvall was just taking one for the team. A man with class to spare until the end.

Joan Osborne for Q Salt Lake 10.Page 1 10/13/2009 12:03:29 PM

“She wears little eyepatch underwear,” he tells fellow Republican Jeff Miller.

D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world she reviews rock and roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister and teaches writing at the University of Michigan.

No service charge

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 15

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Snaps & Slaps

Lambda Lore Letting the Sunshine In

SNAP: UofU Pride Week

by Ben Williams

F

I went to my first protest rally. As a freshman in college, I ditched classes to attend the Oct. 15, 1969 War Moratorium, officially called the “Moratorium to End the War in Vietnam.” It was the largest demonstration against the United States’ involvement in the Vietnam War, with an estimated two million people participating. In towns and cities throughout the country “students, working men and women, school children, the young and the old, took part in religious services, school seminars, street rallies and meetings.” Like the other supporters of the Vietnam Moratorium, I wore a black armband to signify my dissent and to memorialize the American personnel killed in the war since 1961.

The idea for a moratorium was developed by Jerome Grossman, who had worked on the 1968 presidential campaign of peace candidate Eugene McCarthy. In April 1969, Grossman had called for a national strike if the Vietnam War was not ended by October. David Hawk and Sam Brown, whom had also previously worked for McCarthy, changed the concept to a less radical moratorium.

They organized as the Vietnam Moratorium Committee with David Mixner, a gay man who would later serve as President Bill Clinton’s liaison to the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community.

In Utah the Oct. 15 event became the largest peace rally in the state’s history, according to the Salt Lake Tribune. More than four thousand demonstrators participated in a nearly full day of protest, which began with speeches at a “teachin” held in the University of Utah’s Union Building and continued with a march from Reservoir Park along South Temple to the Federal Building at 100 South and State Street. There, the Reverend G. Edward Howlett of St. Mark’s Episcopal Cathedral read the names of Utahns killed in Vietnam. Other speakers called for an immediate withdrawal from Vietnam. The demonstration was peaceful, with only one teenage girl arrested “on the charge of displaying a flag or banner with intent to engender disloyalty to the government of the United States.”

Three blocks to the south of the Federal Building, an estimated 250 counterdemonstrators gathered at Salt Lake City’s City and County Building for a two-hour rally, during which Salt Lake City Commissioner Jake Garn (later orty years ago

Salt Lake mayor and senator) called for the “non vocal majority to stand up and be counted.” He claimed that if the moratorium was successful, “the United States would be communist and 40,000 American lives would have been sacrificed in vain.” He even blamed the war protestors for prolonging the war and aiding the enemy. However, back before Republicans sold their souls to the far right, Republican U.S. Representative Sherman P. Lloyd said he saw the moratorium as “good for America,” because it was “a valid exercise of free speech.”

While most Utah demonstrators were peacefully protesting the war, a bomb

During his speech, Place linked imperialism with the oppression of homosexuals. was set in the Naval Science Building, and an old barracks turned into a bookstore was burned.

Among the millions of war protestors organizing, marching and listening to speeches that day was a new generation of young gay activists known as Gay Liberationists. According to their philosophy, radical anti-militarism was central to the movement for the creation of a specifically gay identity. Gay liberationists maintained that war was immoral, and they maintained that the “macho culture of militarism” contributed to the oppression of gay people.

After the Stonewall Riots in June 1969, Gay Liberation Front chapters sprung up across the country, often started by individuals who were already active in the anti-war movement. The same was true in Utah. Many people came out publicly for the first time at anti-war protests. At an anti-war forum on the University of Utah campus, a 19-year-old student named Ralph K. Place was the first person in the state to announce that

16 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

he was a homosexual and active in the anti-war movement. During his speech Place linked imperialism with the oppression of homosexuals.

Place was a native of Salt Lake City but had attended San Francisco State University where he learned of the Gay Liberation Front movement. Later he returned to Utah to be with his lover George Kelly and to attend the University of Utah. Place and Kelly were living with four other homosexual men and women in a commune of sorts in the lower Avenues. The commune was under the direction of Pamela Mayne, a lesbian who took a lot of counter culture people into her home.

This gay commune consisted of Mayne, Mary Heath and her lover, Ralph Place, George Kelly and Scott Rushton.

Mayne was not all that political, but her strong personality attracted interesting people to her. Kelly and Mayne had become acquainted at the old Twilight Inn across from the Belvedere Hotel and soon became fast friends.

Finding a cheap house in the Avenues in the late ’60s was easy, since the area was known as a haven for drugs, hippies and students. Mayne’s home quickly became a type of gay salon for “consciousness raising,” “rapping,” “getting stoned” and a place for people to crash.

With Place’s residency in the commune, anti-war politics, feminism and Gay Liberation took center stage. Soon the group saw themselves forming a gay coalition with Veterans Against the War and with the National Organization For Women.

The evening after Place announced he was a homosexual at the War Moratorium forum, he and Mayne agreed to organize a chapter of the Gay Liberation Front in Utah. Two other gay people named Tom and Jan quickly joined the small band of liberationists, and they made up the first gay organization in Utah.

In October 1969, a small group of individuals dared to come out of the closet and not hide anymore. It is important to note that they understood the moral of Stonewall, that our individual fate is connected with our collective fate.

These brave souls were the first of thousands in Utah who would follow in their footsteps in the decades to come.

Finally, the Age of Aquarius came to Utah and the sunshine was let in. Q

We’ve always loved the University of Utah’s Pride Week festivities, but this year’s schedule just blew us away. We can think of no better choice for the event’s keynote speaker than Dan Choi, the eloquent, thoughtful and entirely principled infantry officer who publicly came out as gay and put his career on the line to oppose the military’s hypocritical ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Choi’s moving speech and his presentation during a panel discussion about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ were powerful reminders to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Utahns — and youth in particular — to stand up for our principles, our families and our integrity in these troubled political times. A screening of The Life and Times of Harvey Milk underscored this message beautifully, and Thea Hillman (author of Intersex: For Lack of a Better Word) as a guest poet served as a reminder of the vast diversity of our people and our culture. Bravo to the LGBT Resource Center and all who helped organize the week in making it one of the best we’ve ever seen.

SLAP: South Salt Lake Police Department After DJ Bell’s press conference on Oct. 5, we’re wondering if we should just reserve a spot on our list for the department until further notice.

Not only did the cops on the scene conduct a half-assed investigation worthy of Police Academy’s iconic bumblers. Not only did they fail to arrest anyone who obviously participated in the brutal beating of Bell and his partner Dan Fair. Not only did they apparently take just a handful of crime scene photographs and leave Bell and Fair’s house unsecured.

They also had the gall to criticize the media for misrepresenting “the investigative facts” of their “proper” investigation while, in the same breath, referring to Dan Fair as Bell’s “roommate.” Uh, guys? If you want to look like you’re on the ball, it’s usually a good idea to get the relationship between victims right before blaming the fact that you look like fools on those fact-misrepresenting meanie heads in the press. Unless, of course, you meant roommate as code for “saying ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’ means acknowledging gay people, so we just won’t.” Seriously, you didn’t mean it that way, right?

Either way, we agree with you on one thing: It’s best that you won’t be giving any further comments on the case in the near future.

Them’s Fightin’ Words

by Ryan Shattuck

ger, oreo, pancake face, pikey, polack, porch monkey, queer, raghead, redneck, redskin, retard, ruskie, sasquatch, slanteyed, sodomite, spearchucker, spic, tar baby, towel head, tranny, wetback, whitey, or white trash ... then you might be offending someone.

Or you might be a redneck. Except that’s also offensive. So never mind.

Although we in the gay community regularly apply such words as “fag,� “queer� and “dyke� to ourselves, we take great offense when such words are used by others. This is because these words belong to us and we, as a community, use such words to self-identify and build unity. However, it sometimes appears that we use our ‘minority’ status as an excuse to use offensive language towards other minorities, whether directly or indirectly.

I once dated a guy who did not like Mexicans. He assumed they were all in this country illegally, and often used such racist language that Lou Dobbs would have blushed (little known fact: Lou Dobbs blushes quite easily. Another little known fact: I heard somewhere that Lou Dobbs has a third nipple. I don’t know if that’s true, but what if, right?).

Even if there are more Mexican-Americans than there are Gay-Americans, he still felt as though he could single them out as a minority with his offensive and hateful opinions. Needless to say, we are no longer dating. He has since become the president of Mexico.

I would be a hypocrite if I were to claim that I’ve never said disparaging things about another group of people. In fact, the stories my roommate could tell about me would probably get me locked up for life. Perhaps instead of bribing my roommate to keep his mouth shut and/or moving, I should just learn to avoid saying hateful things about other people, groups and communities. If I detest being called a “faggot,� then I should avoid similar language myself, whether at home or in public.

Don’t get me wrong — I believe life is far too short to be so politically correct that we feel as if we’re constantly walking on egg shells. However, I do believe that if the gay community doesn’t want to hear hate speech, then it should not use hate speech.

I think we can all learn a lesson from the late George Carlin, who knew what words were appropriate and what words were inappropriate.

God bless his soul, the motherfucker.

Q

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 17

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WARNING: The following column if full of expletives and inappropriate language.

If you are the type of person who is offended by curse words, then you may want to watch a rerun of Dancing with the Stars instead. Or, you can fuck yourself. isten Up, faggots.

The late George Carlin once said that there are seven words which cannot be said on television. These words in question are s**t, p**s, f**k, c**t, c*********r, m***********r and t**s. For those of you who are offended by reading asterisks, the words are shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

It is true that these words may be too offensive for television or polite company, but the same thing could also be argued about fart jokes, Paris Hilton and Fox News. So are the “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television� really that offensive?

It depends, of course, on who you ask. If you ask me, I’ll tell you that such words should generally not pepper everyday conversation, but gosh darn it, are appropriate in occasional circumstances. If, however, you ask a Catholic nun, she’ll tell you that such words should never be uttered. And then she’ll tell you to stop asking her so many fucking questions.

Dealing with language can be a tricky thing. Language is made up of words, words are made up of letters, and if you look closely you’ll also see that letters are made up of germs, which is why you should always wear gloves when handling the alphabet.

The “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television� may be considered offensive, but they’re relatively banal when considering that the words themselves do not reference a specific person or group. Although directly telling an individual to “fuck off!� will hurt his or her feelings, saying “Fuck, this clam chowder is over salted!� to no one in particularly will hurt nobody (except for the person who made the clam chowder).

There are, however, certain words which can be hurtful regardless of the context. These are words which many of us say on a regular basis. To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, if you’ve ever said any of the following words ... beaner, brownie, chinaman, cheese-eating surrender monkey, chink, cholo, coon, cracker, cripple, cunt-eyed, dago, darkie, dyke, faggot, fairy, flip, frenchie, ginger, gin jockey, gook, greaser, homo, honky, hymie, injun, jap, jewish american princess, jungle bunny, jigaboo, kike, mammy, nig-

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Who’s Your Daddy?

Sex Education

by Christopher Katis

D

uring my sophomore year in

high school we had a sex education component in health class. It consisted of learning the proper names and biological functions of each part of the genitalia. We then appropraitely labeled each on the mimeographed drawings we had received. That was it.

The last day of sex ed, our female teacher felt compelled to tell us that hymens are rather easily broken, say while horseback riding or doing strenuous aerobics. So on our wedding nights, if a guy looked down there and noticed that his bride lacked one it did not mean she wasn’t a virgin. Seriously, that was it.

Already, my kids have had more of a comprehensive — yet age appropriate — sex education than most kids in Utah will ever get.

It started last Christmas. The boys received two male guinea pigs, whom

Gus named Tom and Jerry. When we noticed that Jerry was gaining weight, we became suspicious and hypothesized maybe he was a she after all. About two months later, three pups were born.

Gus and Niko had two dads and now their two male guinea pigs had three babies!

Gus wanted to know if this meant that our hypothesis was right: Jerry actually was a girl.

Clearly, we needed to talk.

As was to be expected, Gus had a lot of questions after watching the birth.

So, I answered everything as honestly as I could in a manner appropriate for a 6-year-old.

First off, I had to correct his theory: the babies did not come out of her butt.

Second, he had misheard me. It is not called a “ma-gina,� it is called a “vagina.� And yes, they are different from penises.

I corroborated that Jerry was in-

deed feeding the babies milk from her nipples. But no, neither Papa nor Daddy had fed him or Niko milk from our nipples. And no, I didn’t have an answer for the question: Why do boys have nipples, then? (Nor was I able to give him an answer when he asked why I have hairy armpits.)

However, I feel like I did dodge one bullet. He didn’t ask how Tom and Jerry actually created the babies. He didn’t seem at all interested in the mechanics of it.

And frankly, I was relieved.

In another half dozen years or so I do plan on having the discussion about the mechanics with him.

And for all my lack of overall knowledge of the heterosexual creature, I do understand how they “do it.�

When that time comes, the conversation with both my boys will start with a statement that my health class teacher could never have made: We don’t care if you like girls, boys or both. We love you just the way you are.

As uncool as it may seem, I plan on pushing abstinence. At least until

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But no, neither Papa nor Daddy had fed him or Niko milk from our nipples.

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1 8  |  QSa lt L a k e  |  issue 139  |  Oc tober 15 , 20 09

they’re definitely sure they’re in love with the other person, and the other person is in love with them. And if asked, yes, I’ll be honest: I wasn’t a virgin when I met Kelly — sorry, Mom. But I’ll also hammer home the need to practice safer sex — even if that means grabbing a cucumber and a condom and showing them how to put it on. I mean, what good is having a gay dad if he can’t teach you about safer sex?

Of course, all of this is theoretical. Gus is 6.

Niko isn’t quite yet 3. I’ve got a few years to go before the level of questions change from proper body part names to what you can do with those individual parts. I may just find myself hemming and hawing and looking at my feet when it comes time to really discuss the birds and the bees with the boys.

But at least the ball is rolling. We’ve established a dialogue in which they are comfortable asking me questions.

And they receive honest answers.

That’s a good start, right? At least it’s better than a mimeographed drawing of a penis and a vagina.

And for the record, when we were tested back in school, I got 100 percent when labeling the various parts of the penis!

You know, in retrospect, I shouldn’t be too harsh on my 10th grade health teacher. I mean, it wasn’t entirely a waste of time. I did learn something from her. On my wedding night, I looked down there and I didn’t see a hymen.

But I knew it didn’t mean Kelly wasn’t a virgin!  Q

The Straight Line

Hate Crime Legislation: Rolling Back Equality by bob henline

T

he last several years have

seen an increased push for enhanced or expanded hate crime legislation, especially as it pertains to the LGBT community.

The mother of Matthew Shephard, who was brutally murdered in Wyoming, has been pushing for expanding the federal hate crimes definition to include crimes committed against gays. While on the surface it seems like a good idea to include the LGBT community in the definition of hate crimes, the reality of hate crime legislation is that it promotes an inequality within the justice system and creates ever-increasing complications of process.

Hate crime legislation has, at its heart, a good intention. It is, however, a classic example of a good idea run amuck.

The problem with our criminal justice system as it now stands is that it’s too complex; there are too many loopholes, categories and classes of criminal activ-

ity. As a friend of mine once put it: Why are there three degrees of murder when there is only one degree of dead? Hate crime legislation pushes that complexity to an even more ridiculous extreme.

Not only are jurors tasked with determining whether or not the accused committed the crime, they get the added burden of determining why. How does this promote equality?

True equality within the context of the judicial system wouldn’t care why a crime was committed, or against whom. If a person (of any race, creed, color, status, gender, or orientation, et al) commits a crime against another person (of any race, creed, color, status, gender, or orientation, et al) that person should face a sentence equivalent to any other person in that situation. All

the classifications in the previous sentence should be completely irrelevant.

Granted, that’s not how our system currently operates. In any system that involves people, the inherent biases of those people will play a part. As a result, crimes committed by people of color tend to carry heavier sentences than crimes committed by rich white males. Crimes committed against people of color, the poor, or gays tend to be mitigated by some imagined circumstance and generally don’t carry the same punishment as would crimes committed against straight whites. That is an unfortunate truth. What is also unfortunate is that we can’t simply legislate that attitude away, which is what hate crime legislation attempts to do. Instead of simplifying the process, it only adds another layer of complexity which leads to an even greater level of inequality within the system.

What happened to Matthew Shephard was an abomination, and the individuals responsible should face life imprisonment for what they did. They planned to beat and rob another human being, and they did. In the process of doing so, they killed him.

Even without a “Hate Crime Enhancement,” that is a first-degree murder

How does this promote equality?

charge that can carry a life sentence.

In a perfect world that is what they’d get. Unfortunately, the world we live in is not a perfect place and a societal bias against gays has played a role here, and will do so in future cases. Hate crime legislation seems like an expedient way to address this inequality, but the expedient path is rarely the correct one.

Attitudes, however, can change. One shining positive example is the recent acquittal of D.J. Bell in Salt Lake City.

Bell, accused of kidnapping a neighbor’s children, and severely beaten (allegedly) by the neighbor and his family, was acquitted of the kidnapping. A jury listened to the evidence, overcame any potential bias against a gay man and decided that his actions on that night were justified. One positive example in a sea of negativity, but every drop has the potential to create that ripple that will lead to a flood of change.

The one true solution is to create a society in which we are all equal, and to have those attitudes shared not only in law, but in the hearts and minds of the people. That is a long road. While our society has made great strides along this road over the past half century, a great deal of work remains. Our legislation, however, should only serve to enforce equality. Providing inequalities within the system will only serve to push back the advances that have been made on the road to true equality. Q

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Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 19

Literary Issue

Our Annual

Feature — Literary Issue

A nip is now in the air, and it’s now time to curl up with a good read while sitting by a blazing fire.

We bring you poetry, short stories and excerpts from published works by local writers.

Valleys of the Heart

by Shane Sim

O

nce in the therapist’s waiting room, obligingly eating yet more sinfully delicious baked goods, Mark could not get Brandon’s eyes out of his mind.

There was something that constantly moved in them and spoke of…laughter? Sometimes, but not always. Joy! Mark realized. There’s always joy in his eyes…there always has been. But he’d barely had time to make this recognition before being called into Dr. Wilson’s office.

“Well, Mark,” Dr. Wilson beamed, once they had both taken their seats, “how goes the battle?”

“Over, I think,” Mark smiled.

“Really!” Dr. Wilson was shocked, and yet couldn’t have been more thrilled; it was clear that he had misunderstood Mark.

“Well, it’s quite sudden to feel that it’s over, but I don’t want to discourage or invalidate any breakthroughs you’ve had,” he added, hurriedly. “I’ll just give you a voice of…” Dr. Wilson mewed for a bit, coming up with the right word. “Experience,” he decided. “One of my past clients compared the issue of homosexuality first to a vulture that would come and circle his head, unbidden and threatening, rendering him completely powerless. Well, after the therapeutic process, he described it as a mere pesky mosquito, that would buzz in his ear from time to time, and which he would just…” Dr. Wilson smiled and gave a lazy flick of the hand, “…swat away.” Mark smiled in return.

“You know,” Mark said, suppressing a chuckle, “you couldn’t have picked a worse analogy…for me, anyway.” He actually did chuckle now, as Dr. Wilson looked completely confused. “My missionary companions used to make fun of me. You see, mosquitoes in the South of France are something of a genetic nightmare compared to their cousins here.

I could sleep through the loudest alarm, but as soon as one of those things would buzz in my ear in the middle of the night, I’d be jarred back to consciousness pretty violently, yelping and hollering like an 20 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

idiot—one time I even fell out of my bed. It was great entertainment for my companions!”

“I can imagine,” Dr. Wilson said, laughing lightly at the comedic scene in his mind. “But I don’t see why it’s such a bad analogy.”

“You’re the therapist, Dr. Wilson!” Mark pointed out. “Think about it. You’re telling me this client became so good at suppression that the issue was reduced in size and effect in his mind. He didn’t change, he just got better at denying the truth.

Well, I’m telling you that the thought of being so unconscious to the truth, that what you call a ‘pesky’ buzzing in my ear could jar me back to reality very harshly and with potentially dangerous results, is not okay with me.” Mark stared directly into Dr. Wilson’s eyes, who was nodding his head subtly and solemnly now.

“So when you said that you felt the battle was over…” Dr. Wilson began; Mark finished for him.

“I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I deserve the same pursuits of happiness as you do—I deserve equality.” Mark was pleasantly surprised at the note of conviction in his voice. Dr. Wilson sighed.

“The danger here, Mark,” the therapist said in cautionary tones, “is that if we say it’s okay for one group of people to pursue sexual ‘happiness’ outside of a marriage between a man and a woman, what’s to stop people from trying to legitimize molesting children, or sex with animals? I don’t mean to sound crude, but…” Dr. Wilson shrugged, “your line of thinking isn’t original, and unfortunately, some people have used it to try and excuse the very things I’ve just mentioned.”

“I’d like you to explain something to me,” Mark said, not attempting to conceal the shock on his face. “In all of my dreams, all of my fantasies, even my confessed misdeeds,” here he thought of Paul (the man he’d had sex with a year prior) and Thad, “I have never wanted to have sex with a child or an animal. Huh!” he laughed, shaking his head. “As a matter of fact, just this past week I’ve raked myself over the coals because I thought I might have been too out of line with a guy who’ll legally be an adult in two months! And most of the time, my mind and heart are focused with love and attraction for one man, who’s my same age. But even if I wanted to run

around and have sex with every grown man on the planet, I’ve still NEVER wanted to have sex with a child or a goat! So you tell me,� Mark’s voice shook with suppressed anger as he pointed an accusing finger at Dr. Wilson’s nose, “how it is that I am a pervert, when it’s your mind that jumps to molesting children and having sex with animals, just because I recognize my right to love that man and to be with him?�

Dr. Wilson’s face fell suddenly and dramatically. He stared at Mark’s finger as if it were a gun, and could not move a muscle. The silent tension spiraled horribly. “Tell me, Dr. Wilson!� Mark demanded. “What makes me the pervert, and not you?� As Dr. Wilson sat, clearly trying to think of a rebuttal, Mark answered for him. “Fine, then. I’ll tell you. I’m not the pervert—you are: you, and all those who think like you.�

There was a long period of silence as Mark slowed his breathing and heart rate, and the hand that had been pointing at Dr. Wilson dropped to Mark’s lap. Slowly, his eyes relaxed and stopped staring daggers at the therapist.

When he spoke again, it was in a much calmer voice. “I’ve learned that I do have choices, Dr. Wilson,â€? he said. “I could stay in the church, accepting my status as a second-class citizen, waiting for permission to be fulfilled like everyone else, a permission that might never come. I could stay celibate for the rest of my life. I could even get married if I could find a girl who wouldn’t mind not having a fulfilling marriage‌â€? Dr. Wilson opened his mouth, apparently finding a faint possibility for argument, but Mark headed him off: “Don’t even suggest that sexuality isn’t part of a fulfilling love, or that homosexuality is just about sex. Think for just a second about everything you enjoy with your wife because you are attracted to her on all levels; then think about how that would be diminished if you weren’t attracted to her on all levels.â€?

Dr. Wilson closed his mouth, and Mark marveled again at himself. How he was suddenly able to articulate thoughts he hadn’t even allowed himself to fully conceive before today, he had no idea! All he knew was that he was grateful for his education and the example of his father, that let him express these thoughts so eloquently. “The choice that I feel is best for me, Dr. Wilson,� Mark continued, “is to embrace my sexuality as part of the gift of life God gave me. I choose to stop believing that life is a loan to be paid back to God. It’s a gift to be cherished and enjoyed and experienced to the fullest. And I won’t have the arrogance to slap my creator in the face by telling him that such an integral part of me as my sexual orientation is wrong. I won’t spit on the gift he gave me by telling him I don’t deserve to find love—total, fulfilling love—because it’s not what others say it should be, and that I have to play victim to a church and its teachings. I won’t take responsibility for your perverted views, or anyone else’s.

I’ve been taught that God’s opinion matters more than man’s, and God was the one who made me gay, Dr. Wilson. And he’s also the one who’s taught me—very, very patiently—that there’s nothing wrong with me. The choice I have isn’t to change my sexual orientation, but to be the best man I can be, make the best choices I can in life, and treat others well. And the fact that I’m gay—well, that’s just icing on the cake!� Q This is an exceprt from “Valleys of the Heart� by local author Shane Sim, available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com and PublishAmerica.com Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 21

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The Real Meaning of Christmas Feature — Literary Issue

by Christopher Katis

I

was trying to ignore Ryan. He knew it. So he kept decorating the tree, acting as if he was oblivious to my nose buried in The New York Times. A bulb would go up, Ryan would back up, look at it, and adjust accordingly. All the while he sang quietly, almost whispering, along to a CD. OK, I admit it. His musical choices this holiday season were driving me crazy. While I tried to concentrate on the paper, Ryan was decorating to A Disco Christmas. In my humble opinion, you shouldn’t be able to get down to “The First Noel”.

Earlier in the week, we had had an argument about Barbra Streisand’s A Christmas Album.

“Seriously, Tommy, have you ever heard such heartfelt lyrics in your life”? Ryan asked innocently one evening as Babs belted out “Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas”.

“Well, of course she can deliver the message, she’s an actress,” I replied.

“No, she really relates to what she’s singing. You can tell.”

“Ryan,” I reasoned, “You really think she relates to lyrics about the Virgin Mary giving birth to the Savior?

She’s Jewish!”

“That’s just anti-Semitic,” he argued.

Because I dared to commit one of the greatest of all gay sins, questioning the brilliance of Barbra Streisand, I now was being punished with classic holiday songs set to frenetic disco beats.

Ryan stood back and admired the tree. “You know, Tommy, I’ve been thinking.”

“Oh, oh.” I peered over the paper, laughing.

“I’m serious,” he continued, ignoring me. “We should try to do more queer activist things.”

“Queer activist things? Like what?”

“You remember ACT UP,” he said sitting on my lap, “stuff like that.”

I laughed and pushed him off of me, “You want to throw condoms at Rev. Mike on Sunday? That sort of thing?”

“Hell no! He’d come out to the pews, hug us and then drag our asses up to the altar so we could lead a discussion about safer sex. Not that out there, but something.”

“Well, when you figure something out, let me know,” and I folded the paper in half and tossed it onto the ottoman safe in the knowledge that Ryan’s calls for activism would go nowhere.

T

hat afternoon we were out running some errands, when we stopped at a red light in front of Wal-Mart. Ryan looked out the window and then said,“ Hey, let’s stop in there, for a minute”.

We’re not your usual Wal-Mart shoppers, but I obediently pulled into the parking lot and we started looking for a spot. The place was packed. This was not going 22 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

to be a pleasant experience, I could tell.

After what seemed to be an eternity of circling the parking lot, we finally found a spot and headed into the store. Immediately, I started getting a bad feeling about this trip.

Wal-Mart was a zoo. People were pushing carts piled with toys and clothes. Kids were screaming. The workers looked as if they’d recently been lobotomized, feigning merriment as they rang up purchases or accosted unsuspecting customers. et’s just get out of here,” I said. “Why’d you want to come here anyway?”

“Just a minute,” Ryan protested, tugging on me to follow.

As we entered the main Christmas aisle, a plump Wal-Mart associate, wearing a flaccid Santa’s hat and sporting a too-large sprig of plastic mistletoe at her collar bone, smiled broadly at us and asked if we needed any help.

We shook our heads and as we passed her Ryan asked me, “What was that all about? You think she’s hoping someone’s going to kiss her tits?”

The woman pivoted around on her heels, pointed a stubby finger at us like an angry schoolteacher and barked, “Watch it you two!” before picking up the intercom phone and announcing in a sweet singsong voice that the wrapping paper had just been restocked.

The Christmas aisle looked like a tornado had hit.

There were singing Santas tipped on their sides, their jiggling hips making it look as if old St. Nick was having a seizure. Boxes of half-opened decorations and tinsel littered the floor. And light-up yard signs blinked slogans at us like “Reindeer Crossing”, “Let it Snow!” and “Jesus IS the Reason for the Season!” in red, green and gold lights, making the whole place pulse like Christmas in Vegas.

But one small area of the Christmas aisle sat in relative calm. A half a dozen Nativity scenes perched serenely on a shelf. They ran the gamut from high-end baroque styles with long blonde hair flowing off of Mary like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader to Amish-inspired simplicity.

“Look,” I said as I picked up one of the figurines, its painted eye drooping to the left, “This Joseph has a lazy eye!”

“My God, who would ever buy that?” Ryan said laughing as he took the figurine from my hand. “Hmmm, I wonder,” his voice trailing off.

I watched him place the Joseph in a different crèche, next to the Amish Joseph. He then plucked Amish Mary up and placed her next to Lazy Eye Joseph’s Mary. Pretty soon every manger was populated by a same-gender Holy Family.

Ryan stepped back to look at his brand of queer activism. I shook my head in disbelief.

What he did next simply stunned me. Ryan walked

“L

to the intercom phone, pressed a button and the next thing I heard was his own singsong voice announcing, “Attention Wal-Mart guests! The true meaning of Christmas can now be seen in our newly displayed mangers located in the Christmas aisle!”

I was mortified.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I yelled in a whisper. “They’re going to know it was us!”

“Relax, Tommy. It’s funny. Besides they’ll never know it was us.” Ryan countered, as several groups of people made their way towards the crèches.

“They’ll never know it was us? Do you see any other men shopping together here?” My voice was on the verge of just below an outright scream.

Ryan looked around quickly, pointing with his chin just over my shoulder. I turned to see a father with his young son walking our direction.

“Do you see any other men together with stylish hair cuts and tribal tattoos? Of course they’re going to know it’s us! We’re going to get thrown out!”

Ryan looked at me, his eyebrow raised, and he started to laugh. “You’re worried about getting thrown out… of Wal-Mart?” I hated him when his eye sparkled like that. He knew it’s why I love him.

I was pleading with him, but I also knew that it was too late. There were far too many shoppers congregating in front of the Nativity scenes. I heard gasps, a couple of “disgustings”, and even a few “oh my Gods!” But there were also a few giggles and one teenage girl admitted she thought it was cool. For a moment there, I thought we just might be ok.

That’s when I heard the little kid ask, “Daddy, what’s that wise man doing to the sheep?”

At precisely the same time, the flaccid Santa hat / kiss my boobs mistletoe lady arrived on the scene. She elbowed her way past the crowd clustered to get a view of the queerly untraditional Holy Families. She shook her head in disgust, grabbed all the Marys and put them with their appropriate Josephs.

“You two!” she said accusingly, pointing another stubby finger at us.

And that’s when it happened. I burst into uncontrollable laughter. Ryan was right. It was funny. It was brilliant, queer activist humor.

“I think you’d better leave,” she demanded, without even a hint of holiday spirit.

We turned and started walking away. The crowd had begun to disperse. A few people shook their heads as they passed us, but the teenager girl gave us thumbs up!

J

ust before we reached the exit something caught my eye. There innocently sitting on a rack with the other holiday cards was one with a shirtless, hairy muscle daddy wearing an erect Santa hat. I walked over to the rack, searched the placards identifying for whom the cards were intended, and found what I was looking for. I grabbed the muscle daddy cards, and shoved them in front of the placard that read, Especially for Him. Ryan smiled at me, grabbed my hand as we walked out of Wal-Mart and said, “That’s my boy.” Q

For Dean and Mike and their two Josephs in every manger campaign at the Ottawa, Kansas Wal-Mart!

A Clichéd End

by Jesse Noble

by Brigg Angus

N

ear midnight, just off work arriving at a coffee shop downtown. I’ve been here, the dark blue walls, a large brushed nickel clock with hands counting twelve and 24-hour time, and blue velvet curtains framing the dozens of black and white photos depicting a young, mostly innocent city. I park the car in the dark, weedcovered lot in back.

He’s through the glass door, fourth booth back, as I stand and watch. Facing me, he’s hunched and leaning over a cup of coffee. I open the door with the tinkle of a small attached chime. His head lifts up quickly and he waves me over.

The way he’s tapping on his coffee mug is nearly hypnotic, nearly.

I keep quiet. He can’t wait much longer, but no reason to make this easier, either. I’m listening to the jukebox; Petula Clark’s “Downtown.” Some college kids sit in the booth across the small glass partition. They talk about power and oppression and freedom, playing sophisticates with black hair and thrift stores. Our waitress is sitting on a stool behind the register, talking on her cell phone, smiling.

Back to here. I’m watching his finger still tap-taptapping, and I’m trying hard to remember what it felt like to love those fingers, hands, arms, and the man controlling them.

“I called Amy. She’s definitely driving to Vegas for Dylan’s graduation.”

“When does she leave?”

“Tomorrow morning. She wanted to know if I could house sit for her. I told her it was short notice and I’d need to talk to you.”

“She needs someone there.” I’m certain you’re already packed, luggage in the car. You’ll be heading to Amy’s tonight.

“It’s only for four days. I’ll be back on Wednesday.”

“I can’t sit here and do this. What is it you need to tell me? Are our five years coming to an end? Why am I listening to how your day went? We both know you need to say something terrible.”

“This isn’t a break up.”

“It’s not?” There’s a mocking, almost vicious edge to my voice. “Maybe you’re going to tell me how your trip to the clinic last week ended. Maybe you think I need to get tested too. You fucking forgot my six months was four days ago, which is why I know you’re positive.” $7.68 plus tip for pie and coffee, the perfect clichéd end to a whole series of them, even now, the beginning of the end. Q

O c t. 1 5 , 2 0 0 9 | i s s u e 13 9 | QS a lt L a k e | 2 3

Tearing

Invitation

by John Kippen

Her silence is cold.

Moths take their Dusty flights

The key hangs Above the door.

It floats on a red ribbon Like the promise of kites.

You can let yourself out.

I am torn.

Between a lighthouse lifeform.

Signaling my ego Towards a comfort I invite.

Edging farther away from My normal daze.

Evicirating the very Breath I enslave.

Life?

They say to find an equal.

But then who are, They?

And what the hell matches up To this figment, this craving.

Hardening my heartstem.

As I deny yet another emotion Unopened, lost to this daze.

Faith?

I am questioning any conclusion, That I find my mind settling upon.

I cannot let go of an untasted,

Unstatiated emotional contact.

I become saddened.

And although my reckoning has Something of value to say.

I instead embrace a virute, That is my familiarity with pain.

Love?

I asked it to stay once...

But it seems that time had issue.

Besides I cry when it remains, And I consistantly pray for it to pass.

I just want it, I suppose, to ennunciate, My purpose, and reassure my footing.

Confirm my pathway, rape my enigma, And be my banishing knight of shame.

Crave?

The whole of my heart, Has been broken.

But without your bandage, Your warm touch untamed.

This bruise in which I’ve invested, Will continue to fester, And the wound shall bleed the same.

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Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 23

Family Belongings Feature — Literary Issue

by Scott Perry

H

arry Bishop was a shooter.

At his funeral, his grandsons stepped to the podium to tell of the times they shared.

“Grandpa was with me when I shot my first duck,” my cousin Matt recalled. “Grandpa told me to shoot a snipe,” said Wade, another cousin, “because it was sitting still and would be pretty hard to miss.” One by one, they told how he thought of hunting and fishing as art forms. Whether he was bagging a deer or a drake, they said he was a man with a sharp eye and a steady finger. I listened to each one and was surrounded with the quiet isolation that I usually feel when I am with this side of my family. Their childhood remembrances were so remote from my own. I wish I had known the same Harry Bishop that they did.

My cousins finished speaking. I stepped to the podium for my contribution. I was asked to sing a song since I am considered the “artsy’ one of the family. I am not a hunter. I haven’t fished since I was twelve. I always felt like the outcast, so their invitation made me feel like a guest artist rather than a family member.

“Because he called the forest brother.’

Because he called the earth his mother.’”

My legs quaked like aspens as friends and family sat still. When I finished I took my place next to Aunt Ruth. She hugged and thanked me—I guess I did okay. Later, I learned that some were moved by the words, others were shocked that I could sing, and the others just wondered who I was.

Later that evening we went to Grandpa’s house. He had moved from his house on Bishop Place a year or so before, but there were things to attend to. The rickety gate from the picket fence would mean more to Mom than to the next homeowner. My brother had spoken for the china cabinet. Ruth grabbed and old flashlight and Frank, my stepfather, retrieved some rusty garden tools from the shed. Everyone was looking for a last belonging to remember him by. Ruth and Elaine led me to the tiny bedroom they shared with Mom and Sandi.

A handmade wooden trunk coated with generations of paint (forest green being the most recent) sat beneath the dusty sill of the lone window. “Here’s what you want,” said Ruth.

My Grandpa was a shooter. His sharp eye and steady finger captured Utah through a camera—an image of a bait-laden hook as it plunged into Smith & Morehouse Reservoir, turning its glassy surface into a sea of ripples.

I can still hear the hollow kerplunk. He shot portraits of Salt Lake’s prominent and colorful, as well as humdrum product photography for Utah’s early advertising execs.

Nearly 50 years of his life were spent peering through a camera and the countless trays of developer had stained his fingertips gold.

A good part of his life was in that trunk—a good part of my life was in there, too. I saw the young faces of

women I knew only as little old ladies and uncles I had only known by a name.

We sifted through the damp yellow envelopes. Some of the prints had been hand-tinted by my grandma in the early part of their marriage. Some negatives had melted—probably from the heat of the glove box in their 1950 Ford, others were fused together by water from years of leaky roofs. Most of the images were of my mom and her sisters (Sandi, the youngest and cutest received the most exposure). I came across a print of my grandma, Dorothy, sitting on the front porch of their cabin in Oakley. She and Grandpa had been best friends since they were twelve years old. As a kid, I spent many summer afternoons at the cabin. Chewing on caramels and Fig Newtons, Grandma and I watched the birds from that porch as they’d nibble seed from the feeders in the quakies.

My favorite memory is when Matt and I lazily floated on inner tubes down the canal that ran along side the Weber River. Sun-burned and water-logged we sauntered back to the cabin where we spent the rest of the day reading old issues of Mad magazine. That’s when I unleashed a sense of humor and twisted view of the world that would become my most recognizable trait. I slept overnight that Saturday—my first sleepover—and discovered that I had a family beyond that of my own four walls.

The cabin is also where my brother Dave, my cousin Wade, and I hiked along the bridle trail, looking for watercress and chasing squirrels with bows and arrows.

At the end of our adventure, we’d return to the cabin, heading straight for the water pump. Lifting the baked enamel mug from the nail on the post, we’d fill it with a gush of ice cold water. We always underestimated the pressure of that pump and would get soaked with a splash that took our breaths away. In the pasture across the road, Pam, the Koester’s horse seemed to be laughing at us as she whinnied into the breeze.

In another envelope, I found a series of negatives.

They were our annual family portraits taken at the Lakefront Gun Club. I held each negative to the filtered light of the window, I watched our family grow and disappear at the same time.

The gun club and cabin were like night and day. The shade of the aspens gave way to salty sagebrush and a scorching sun. Our family had gathered in that oneroom clubhouse every Easter since the beginning of time. At least my time. From our benches of planks and overturned buckets, we’d gaze down the long dirt road.

One by one, each family arrived in a cloud of swirling dust and gravel, just in tome for our traditional Easter dinner of Kentucky Fried Chicken, potato salad and Oreos. Once in a while a grown-up would even sneak us

a swig of Coors. We’d paddle in beat-up fishing boats, usually getting stuck in the shallow spots, and scream for an uncle or older cousin to rescue us. Our Easter egg hunts seemed more authentic than those of my friends.

The jackrabbits we watched run through the brush were really the Easter Bunny (so we were told) hiding bags of eggs and Hershey’s Kisses. But softball games were the highlight. With about thirty players per team, we used cowpies and mud puddles for bases. The late night kathumps of our sneakers in the dryer, clean for school the next morning, comes back to me still, as I drift off to a lullaby of tumbling dress shirts and dish towels.

The family spent countless chilly mornings sitting in duck blinds at the club, shotguns in hand, just waiting to bad a honker or a pintail.

Here is where Wade bagged his snipe. I had a snipe experience, too—my only hunt with Grandpa. He wanted nothing more than to have me succeed my first time out. He pointed to a sitting snip and nudged me.

It was a sure-fire trophy. I aimed, I winced and I pulled the trigger. The morning sky shattered with the spray of a billion BB’s. All I knew was that my shoulder hurt like hell. “Hey! That’s keen!” Grandpa hooted, “Get out there and pick him up.” The memory of sloshing through the marsh to fetch that innocent bird, dead by my hand, was a far cry from running through our muddy softball field the spring before.

And thus was born the family outcast.

I may not have been cut out for “the hunt,” but shuffling through these photos helped me realize that the family hadn’t shunned me. I had shunned them. Like Grandpa wandering silently to shoot a lone buck or perfect sunset, I set out alone aiming for my own forms of peace and beauty. Looking at his photo of a kid fishing at a lake, I hear the whistle of the wind through the rushes. I smell the damp, squeaky straw of a fishing creel. These were the images he captured.

That’s the Grandpa I remember.

Looking at the world as an outsider, whether through a camera lens or the distance of self-imposed exile, you can make the time to really see. Grandpa and I had something in common after all.

These are the thoughts that filled my head as we slipped the gate and trunk of photos into the minivan and left Bishop Place for the last time. It was quiet except for Ruth clicking her flashlight on and off and the clatter of shovels behind the back seat. I had lost a grandpa—but discovered a new sense of belonging. Q

Transit

by John Kippen

Even the walls are changing.

Light skims over the pool, The occasional bug.

Sometimes the water is still.

We sit on the porch and watch Evening pass into stars.

What are their names?

Maybe it is better not to know.

2 4 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

The Woman Next Door

by Hal Davis, Ramona Maassen, Michael Whitworth

“S

top it, stop it you two. What are you doing? Don’t you know it’s wrong?

You’re both boy doggies. Don’t be doing that.” The old woman screeched from over the chain link fence at my two dogs.

“God they aren’t even her damned dogs.” I listened to her ranting and thought: Just shut up you crazy woman. They aren’t bothering anyone. They’re dogs for heaven’s sake. Just doing what comes natural. I can only imagine what would she do if two people were kissing on the sidewalk and just happened to be the same sex?

The two dogs continued to enjoy each other. They had no inclination to pay the woman any mind.

“Would she be as offended if they were a male and a bitch having sex? Probably not. She would think they were cute.” I muttered. What is wrong with her? It can’t be that she has never seen dogs at play. “Shut up already!” I yelled to her in my head.

Fucking woman is so frigging intolerant.

Then I thought that’s it, intolerance and fear. Of course, I was guilty of intolerance too. Especially with my demented neighbor who was still cajoling my dogs into behaving “normal”.

“What is normal?” I started to ask. Normal is so subjective. What is normal for me? What is normal for her? Where does the line come down? What does she expect anyway? I guessed normal for her would be getting up on Sunday and heading to church, wearing her piety on her sleeve for everyone to see. She would help her neighbor, if her neighbor met her guidelines.

We all interact with our environment in or own way. We’re all individuals damn it not automatons.

Why can’t people live and let live? Life is hard and lonely enough that just meeting someone who can love and care for you is a miracle.

Sexual orientation should not matter. We deserve to be treated as people.

Maybe I should be kinder to her.

As a child I loved the mixed nuts that my parents would serve to guests when we entertained. My friend and her parents came for a visit. As we sorted out our favorite nuts, I picked up a Brazil nut and proudly told my friend the name of the nut was “nigger toes”. It was the end of the visit and the end of my friendship. I didn’t know that she was black. I just knew she was my friend.

I remember one boy in Junior High school. He was not as athletic as and smaller than the other boys in his class. He was teased and derided as a ‘sissy’.

No one, not even himself, knew if he was homosexual or not, yet he was labeled. Connotations owned by a ‘straight’ culture.

He was assigned this role by society. He didn’t even get to choose. How would it feel for all of us to be treated as second-class just because we have differences from one another? I remember the feelings I had for that kid. I felt for him. He was never given the chance to prove himself in his own way.

Where does the fear come from?

In the Army we were told we were all Green, just different shades. That was their attempt to remove racial prejudice.

There was no color other than green.

I know people, Gay, Straight, or something in between. They form bonds and build relationships. Most of them would never consider denying that to another.

This woman’s fear denies her those relationships, those bonds.

As an adult, I still pick out my favorite nuts from the cans of mixed nuts. I want to savor those. However, I also enjoy the diversity of the rest of the can. Mixed nuts and people are similar, in this; we get to choose our favorites. Those who we want to spend more time with. We only get the full flavor by enjoying the whole mix but the different flavors don’t diminish the other nuts, even if they aren’t our favorites.

From the corner of my eye, I see a brand new can of “Mixed Nuts”.

“I think I should go meet this woman.” The richness of being human is enhanced by our individual differences, not diminished. I cross the street to introduce myself to my fellow nut. Q Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 25

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I. Marley

Feature — Literary Issue

by JoSelle Vanderhooft

M

arley was dead.

Not dead as doornails or coffin-nails, though it made little difference. Her boxes had been closed with long brown stripes of packing tape, her velvet sofa and zebra-gaudy beanbags loaded into the back of a We Haul It van, her dishes stacked in glistening bubble wrap, her shower caddy plucked from its customary nest between the haphazard shampoo bottles and crumbling soap bars in the mildewed shower.

She had even removed the drooping aloe from the windowsill, where its stalks hung brown and useless like the legs of a dead spider. How you could kill such a hardy desert plant, Ebenezer could not have said; but it must have taken diligence, time, concerted effort.

The metaphor and its attendant irony were not lost upon her.

Marley was dead, and the snow was falling down like static.

Ebenezer watched it from a bed warmed only by a lap top. The

Dear God Andy Sechler

I pray, I beg I ask of you humbly please don’t abandon me

the men that I live amongst think that I’m crazy becuase the things I can’t see —but feel— mean more to me than the things that I could own Dear God I’m ready to come home

May we meet in the heart formed and formless majesty may my heart remain humble for eternity this means ever more to me the less i know.....

I know you will never abandon me —Andy 26 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

Rose Sharonof

by John Kippen

ancient radiator hummed uncertainly; a pipe banged somewhere deep within the chipping walls like an aneurism. Her index finger had left a pool of oil upon the touch pad. No call, no email, no text message, no whisper and no tweet. A month, the calendar insisted, each black x a little tombstone. A month, and Ebenezer sat, staring at the dust in which the sofa’s outlines vanished a little more every time she looked. How did one measure time, she wondered? In seconds or the dark spaces between them? In the hours that tumbled past like snowflakes? The clock ticked steady with the ice storm’s pattern. Ebenezer glanced over at its nook. Seven-thirty.

Seven days exactly. It could well have been seven years.

Marley was dead—to her, anyway.

The alarm shrieked through the silence, assuming once again that she had gone to bed. Ebenezer sighed and hit it.

Christmas Eve morning.

What did she have to show for it? Q

Tonight a triangle of stars Is centered overhead You left your swimsuit at home We sit beside the pool And watch the waning moon rise I ask what you have been Up to lately Not much.

You dip your feet In the water and mention Some books you have been reading Two months later, The triangle of stars has drifted North and slightly East White flowers litter the concrete This time you brought your swimsuit.

The Life-Style From “Ebenezer,” an unpublished lesbian retelling of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

by Deborah Rosenberg

I

am in the life-style, the one that makes me turn every morning and kiss my wife, push the dogs off the bed, and force myself out to complete my morning routine. It’s the life-style. There is sometimes a breakfast in it, usually quicker than the shower in the morning. There is something to be grateful for having in this life, a long shower at the turn of a faucet.

This is my life-style. Of course, the dogs and cats must be fed. Having children with paws is part of my lifestyle. We tried for the human kind, but nothing worked.

Not part of the life-style for us.

“You would be just what we are looking for... Oh, I am sorry, but we can’t work with you… You understand…”

“Not really. I don’t understand… What? You mean … my life-style?”

So I remain in the life-style, the one that I created, in which I can awaken every morning to kiss my wife on the cheek as she sleeps, and tell her, “I love you.” It is repeated as I leave for work at a job I love to do. She grunts in acknowledgement of our love. We have created this life-style together, as we have built our lives within it.

Then the big decisions of life-style come. The car or the bicycle… and the bicycle won. That has become a large part of my controversial life-style: riding a bicycle to commute. Apparently it keeps me from buying lots

of fuel for my car that sits all week long until Sunday when it gets to drive me around to do all my controversial activities.

Sunday, when instead of going to work by bicycle, I must take the car to attend church. It fits well with my life-style, a liberal religion, an intentionally diverse community, where I may be permitted to flaunt my lifestyle by volunteering to share worship, lead youth, teach children. Oh yes, I do all of that, and more. Some times, I get to be on … committees. They let me contribute to the life of a community of faith. There is faith in humankind, justice, and respect for all as persons of worth and dignity.

I am in the life-style, the one that doesn’t hide love.

It is in my coming home, greeted by my children with paws, and my beautiful partner of 19 years, that I know my life-style. It is in the nights I stay up too late, playing on the computer and reconnecting with friends that I know my life-style. It is in planning dinners, weekends for wine tasting, family reunions, and long trips that I know my life-style. It is in times of health, and of illness, that I know my life-style. It is when I am paying the bills to support us that I know my life-style. When I finally get into bed at night, exhausted from a busy day, I breathe; glad I chose this life-style, as I fall asleep to the steady sound of breathing next to me. Q

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Arts & Entertainment

Gay Agenda

A Better Place to Bury Your Nose

by Tony Hobday

Mary, Jesus and Josephine I’ve been nothing more than a bundle of nerves over the fact that Michael Aaron (that mean ol’ troll) has been in Germantown, Wis. or some dump like that, for about 13 days now. Sufficed to say, that meant I was privileged with putting out this issue on my own. So though he had most of it laid out before he left, there’s still a good chance it’s turned out as horrorific as Ensign magazine.

17

SATURday — One of Giuseppe Verdi’s most honest, exhilarating and fierce operas is Macbeth. Of Shakespeare, Verdi wrote, “I have had him in my hands from my earliest youth, and I read and reread him continually.”

Witness one of Shakespeare’s strongest women, Lady Macbeth, pursuing her path of ambition and manipulation. Verdi’s haunting music will keep you riveted as the story of the ferocious couple “trusting in the prophesies of hell” unfolds.

7:30pm, through Oct. 25, Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South. Tickets $15–72, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.

QQ Twenty-nine-year-old sing-songwriter from Staten Island, N.Y., Ingrid Michaelson, returns to the Utah stage.

Her indie pop/folk music has been

gaining momentum since her debut album in 2005. And please, the woman plays the ukulele ... that’s freakin’ hot!

7:30pm, Avalon, 3605 S. State St. Tickets $15/adv–18/day of show, 801-467-8499 or smithstix.com.

20

tuesday — Indie rock/dance punk is the definition of gossip ... at least in term of the Portland-based trio Gossip. Lead by openly lesbian Beth Ditto, the band’s style is described as “a soul or gospel” voice with “a sort of funky punk soundtrack.” They were part of the 2007 True Colors Tour (not in SLC), but they’re here tonight. Check it out!

9pm, Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East. Tickets $13/adv–15/day of show, 801-467-8499 or smithstix.com.

21

wednesday — In honor of our Literary Issue ... and because sometimes books are just more pleasurable than sex, I encourage you all to take part in the Utah Humanities Council’s annual Book Festival. Featured authors, poets and special guests include Edward Torres, Sara Zarr, Ken Sanders and Joel Long. The fesitval kicks off with Edward Abbey, Earth First! The Monkey Wrench Gang and Me, a 20th anniversary rumination on the past and future legacy of the late, great Edward Abbey.

Hours vary, through Sunday, Main Library, 210 E. 400 South. Free, for more info visit utahhumanities.org/bookfestival.

22

THURSdAY — Plan-B Theatre Company’s season opens with Radio Hour: Alice. That hottie Matthew Ivan Bennett adapted this show from Alice in Wonderland, and “turned it on its ear.” It’s a dark re-imagining of what lies down the rabbit hole. Featuring X96’s Bill Allred, original music and live sound effects.

8pm, through Oct. 31, Studio Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $20, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.

28 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

QQ As I said before, in honor of our Literary Issue ... and because sometimes books are just more pleasurable than sex (a better place to bury your nose), I’d like to recommend Queereads, an LGBT monthly reading group. This month’s read is Rat Bohemia, by Sarah Schulman, about the decay of urban life, the effect of the closet on lesbian and gay culture, and the myriad ways in which gay men and lesbians are hurt or dismissed by their biological families.

6:30pm, Sam Weller’s Bookstore, 254 S. Main St. Free, less the cost of the book. To join contact Adam Streeter at 801-328-2586.

QQ October brings Red Butte Garden’s beloved Garden After Dark. An outdoor, kid-friendly romp through the Garden to celebrate Halloween. This year the theme is classic Halloween with jack-o-lanterns, harvest moon, popcorn, bats and witches brooms.

Pumpkins, haystacks, and fantastic light displays await you. This should be fairly tame so for those of you with weak bladders ... this is for you!

6–9pm, varying days through Oct. 30, Red Butte Garden, 300 Wakara Wy. Tickets $6–8, 801-585-0556 or redbuttegarden.org.

24

saturday — Openly gay NPR humorist and best-selling author David Sedaris returns to Utah. I’ve read several of his books, and my favorites are Naked and Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. With sardonic wit and incisive social critiques, Sedaris has become one of America’s

pre-eminent humor writers. The man is a hoot!

8pm, Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South.

Tickets $28.50–47.50, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.

QQ Fathom and The Metropolitan Opera’s Emmy award-winning series, The Met: Live in HD returns to select movie theatres in Utah. Today, check out the live performance of Giuseppe Verdi’s Aida, a a heartbreaking love story, set in Egypt, and an epic drama full of spectacular crowd scenes.

Other operas hitting the big screen in the future include Armida, Carmen and Hamlet.

11am–3pm, select theaters across Utah.

Tickets $15–22, visit ncm.com/fathom for ticket sales and theater info.

25

sunday — You may have seen this cute boy in Shortbus or Holding Trevor, but not only is Jay Brannan an actor, he is also a singer-songwriter.

He describes his music as “the sound of the angry, sad woman.” He’s built a music fan base with his YouTube videos recorded in “Toilet Studios.”

Tonight, he comes out of the toilet to play such songs as “Half-Boyfriend,” “Soda Shop,” Housewife” and “Um, Please Don’t Attack Me.” 7:30pm, Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East.

Tickets $12/adv–14/day of show, 801-4678499 or smithstix.com.

QQ Before the Jay Brannan concert or in lieu of it, join QSaltLake today for Q Frightmares at Lagoon. Because our summer excursion was a huge success, we decided to get a little ghoulish. No specific attire is requested, but I think we should all

go as Fairies. Anyhoo, Frightmare attractions include Hal O. Ween High and Pyscho Dave’s Salvage Yard. Plus, there’s nothing like being chased around the park by chainsaw-wielding freaks.

11am–8pm, Juniper Terrace at Lagoon, 375 Lagoon Dr., Farmington. Tickets $29 with discount coupon, available at select businesses.

28

wednesday — Acoustic pop singer-songwriter Mat Kearney (his dimpled chin is kind of sexy!) comes to Salt Lake promoting his new album City of Black & White — I love that single, by the way. Other chart-topping hits include “Undeniable” and “Nothing Left to Lose.”

7:30pm, In The Venue, 219 S. 600 West.

Tickets $15/adv–18/day of show, 801-4678499 or smithstix.com.

UPCOMING Events

NOV. 3 Five for Fighting, State Room NOV. 20 Elton John & Billy Joel, ESA NOV. 21 Kathy Griffin, Abravanel Hall

Save the Date October 17–21 PWACU Living with AIDS Conference, pwacu.org October 25 Q Frightmares at Lagoon

November 12 Hotel Monaco Red Party ­ utahaids.org November 14 Q’s Big Gay Fun Bus to Wendover ­ qsaltlake.com December 11–12 Salt Lake Men’s Choir Holiday Concert ­ saltlakemenschoir.org January 6–10, 2010 Utah Gay & Lesbian Ski Week, gayskiing.org January 21–31, 2010 Sundance Film Festival, Park City ­ sundance.org February 12–14, 2010 QUAC Ski-N-Swim ­ quacquac.org June 4–6, 2010 Utah Pride ­ utahpridecenter.org September 28, 2010 Equality Utah Allies Dinner ­ equalityutah.org

Email arts@­qsaltlake.com for consideration

Big Music at the Moab Folk Festival

S

Southeastern Utah, to the backdrop of stunning redrock landscape and an endless, majestic sky is the incomparable event with “a community-minded spirit” known as the Moab Folk Festival. Since its debut in 2003, the festival has embraced folk music that reaches beyound the traditional.

It’s eclectic style has attracted such genres as folk-fringe punk and Celticfolk among the more well-known, like Bluegrass and indie folk-rock.

Musical artists attending this year’s festival, which runs Nov. 6-8, include Bill Nershi (bluegrass), Indigie Femme (roots/folk), Blame Sally (indie folkrock), Darol Anger (acoustic jazz), Harry Manx (Hindustani) and The Burns Sisters (Celtic-folk), just to a name a few. Headlining the festival is legendary bluegrass musician Peter Rowan, who has been an innovative force in Americana music for the past 40 years.

In 1965 he joined “the father of bluegrass,” Bill Monroe’s Bluegrass Boys before teaming with David Grisman to form the group Earth Opera, a thenfrequent opening act for The Doors.

Originally scheduled to appear this year was Juno Award nominee (Canada’s Grammy), Ferron, who is one of the most influential writers and performers of women’s music, and who has been an important influence on later musicians such as Ani DiFranco et in the heart of

and the Indigo Girls. However, she recently canceled her appearance due to health reasons. Stepping in for her will be Cris Williamson, a longtime pioneer of lesbian political activism. Williamson’s music and insight has served as a catalyst for change in the creation of women-owned record companies back in the 1970s.

Also, Eliza Gilkyson makes her second appearance at the festival, this time backed by guitarist Nina Gerber, who for years performed with the late Kate Wolf.

The festival experience, however, can go beyond just the pure enjoyment of listening to great music. It also offers numerous jam sessions that are free to the public and educational programs for kids. More recently, in 2008, the festival expanded to include the Moab Folk Camp, a five-day series of workshops under the direction of festival co-organizers Cosy Sheridan and TR Ritchie. The camp, which runs Nov. 1-6, includes courses in songwriting, singing and harmony; beginning, intermediate and blues guitar; and mandolin and harmonica. Course instructors

include Sloan Wainwright, Brooks Williams, Keith Little, Eric Jones, Sheridan and Ritchie. The fees range from $180 to $585, and may be purchased at www.moabfolkfestival.tix.com.

The festival is alcohol, drug and pet free. Also, it’s is a pedestrian friendly event — all of the venues are located in historic downtown Moab and are within walking distance of each other.

Outdoor performances will be held in the Moab Ball Field, an easy walk from Main Street, which offers panoramic views of redrock country and the La Sal Mountains. Evening performances will be at the Grand County High School auditorium and historic Star Hall. In addition, the city of Moab was designated the first EPA Green Power Community in the nation, and the festival is a “100 percent renewable energy” festival, using wind energy supplied by Rocky Mountain Power’s Blue Sky Program to offset its carbon footprint, hence the festival’s “green” mission: Small Footprint, Big Music. Q

Tickets to the festival are $30/single venue pass and $115/full festival pass, moabfolkfestival.com.

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 29

Arts & Entertainment

Book Review

As in the first book, Keats’ unique observations and childhood truthfulness make it worth flipping the pages. -The manny lifted his head up too. He looked like a cross between Mr. Clean and Vin Diesel without all the muscles. -I yelled, “He’s GAY! There’s nothing wrong with it. He can get hair plugs if he wants!” -I’ve never seen a water polo team in a parade before, especially in their swimsuits. India said that it was a because he is gay, it doesn’t change “flock of Glamour Don’ts.”

The Dalinger family dynamic the adventures and fun that he is what drives these books: From brought to them.” small, seemingly unimportant Yet, Keats’ demeanor, mannerevents throughout: Keats’ birthday, isms and thoughts throughout the book hint ( or for some, reflect them- family vacations and school bullying to larger lessons like experiselves) to being gay. -I had the same encing the miracle of birth, underfeeling of excitement in my stomach standing love, coping through death that I get when the Sound of Music comes on television. Like I have to pee and finding courage, the Dalingers, with the help of their jokster and throw up at the same time. manny, forge through growing up In Hit and life itself with a lot of humor, the Road, Manny, the honesty and tenderness.

Both books were nominated for bulk of the Lambda Literary Awards, and The story takes Manny Files won the Josette Frank place “on Award. But Burch says the real the road” pride in his work comes from the during the readers. “I did a reading to fifth annual graders at Bank Street School who Dalinger family sum- were in the middle of reading the book,” remembers Burch. “One boy mer vacaasked if the manny was gay. When I tion. While said yes, he pumped his fist into the driving air and yelled, ‘Yes! I knew it.’ Anacross the country in an RV, the Dalingers and other mother sent me a letter that the manny go through a number of thanked me for the books because it opened up a conversation with her tribulations stemmed from being little boy who marches to the beat of in confined quarters for much too his own “Jazz” drummer. Q long.

Unfortunately the one downside Christian Burch is no longer a nanny; he is to Hit the Road, Manny is that it teaching arts and creative writing at the Jackmoves a bit too briskly, especially son Hole Community School, a college prep school. He’s a non-Mormon BYU alumnus, when they visit the manny’s parand doesn’t think they [BYU] carry his books ents’; the result of that visit feels in the bookstore. unlikely in its hastiness.

The Manny Files Hit the Road, Manny

By Christian Burch

Review by Tony Hobday

A Young Christian Burch

C

BUrch’s deBUt Book The Manny Files and its sequel Hit the Road, Manny are recommended for children ages 8-12. However, both are rather entertaining for adults as well — even those who don’t have children to read them to. You may be thinking, ‘oh, like the Harry Potter books.’

Not exactly. These are not fantasy books about magic and mayhem, but about the difficulties — and joys — of our contemporary life, humorously visualized through the eyes of an 8-year-old boy, with the guidance of his gay male nanny.

The author, Burch, says of them, “The books are a mixture of actual events and fiction. The four kid character’s personalities are based on the six kids I’ve been a manny for, for the past 12 years. Some of the events did happen (my mother used to chase us around the house and threaten to put us in the attic; it would be a whole lot of fun but one of us would eventually hit our melt-down limit and the fun would turn to terror). Some events are completely fiction (there is no real life Uncle Max).” hristian

In The Manny Files, 8-yearold Keats Dalinger is sort of an outsider who feels like he’s living in the shadows of his older sisters Lulu and India.

When his parents hire a male nanny, who nudges Keats to “be interesting,” he begins a journey of self discovery and courage. But Lulu, a stubborn pre-teen, is disgusted with their male nanny and his buffoonery, and starts to keep a list of all the reasons why he should be fired, in what she calls ‘The Manny Files.’

It’s not indicated, or even hinted to, that the manny happens to be gay until about two-thirds through the book. “In life, you meet people and grow to love them or to respect them, and then you might find out something about them, such as they are gay,” explains Burch. “They are the same person they have always been, there is just something new that you know about them. I wanted readers to love the manny and his antics, and then realize that just

Book Festival

A U D

TWELFTH ANNUAL UTAH HUMANITIES

Salt Lake City, October 21–25, 2009 Utah Humanities Council expanding minds—one book at a time 30 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

For additional information visit www.UtahHumanities.org/BookFestival.htm or become a fan of UHC on facebook

The City Library T H E S A LT L A K E C I T Y P U B L I C L I B R A R Y S Y S T E M

R. HAROLD BURTON FOUNDATION

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

We’ve got clocks!

Alan Palmer Returns to Utah in ‘The Fabulous Divas of Broadway’

“

32 women in 20 songs and only 85 minutes.” This is the catchphrase for Alan Palmer’s off-Broadway show The Fabulous Divas of Broadway. Critics have raved: “Alan Palmer’s got exuberance to spare!” according to Time Out-New York, and Here!TV pronounced Palmer “The Rich Little of Drag!”

Now Palmer has taken his divas on the road, and will be stopping in Salt Lake City for a two-night run, Oct. 29-30.

It’s been nearly 20 years since Palmer last performed in Utah — he grew up in North Ogden, attended Weber State University and the UofU, and has performed with many of the community companies including The old Promised Valley Playhouse, Theatre 138, Egyptian Theatre, Babcock Theatre and the Browning Center.

It is believed that Broadway shows aren’t casting men in traditional women’s roles, so Palmer used his resourcefulness and created his own one-man “woman” musical. On this unique, comic journey, the actor/singer/storyteller offers backstage tales of his life in “the business” while portraying larger-than-life stars as the show’s guides.

“This is a very fun show,” Palmer said in a recent interview. “I tell so many stories about growing up in Utah and there are so many people with the same dreams I had, I am glad that I can share this with them!”

In rapid succession — and a nonstop turnover of gorgeous, brilliant costumes — Palmer brings to life such legends as Ethel Merman, Carol Channing, Liza Minnelli, Angela Lansbury, Julie Andrews, Judy Garland and Chita Rivera, as well as such Tony award-winning stars of today, including Christine Ebersole, Patti LuPone, Sutton Foster and Kristin Chenoweth, all while perone man as

forming songs in each lady’s singular style.

Among Palmer’s writing and acting abilities, he’s also an award-winning director and choreographer. His impressive long list of credits include the 50th anniversary production of Oklahoma! for Broadway-Grand Opera, the West Coast premiere of the musical It’s a Wonderful Life, the original production of Inaccurate Information at the Hudson Theatre in Los Angeles, the new version of Nunsense A-Men at Open Stage West and tours of Forever Plaid, An Evening of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Godspell.

His production company produced Journey of a Jacket that was screened at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival, the television series The Club (written by Palmer) and released his fourth solo CD Songs for Souls for The Homeless Children’s Charity Project.

Palmer currently resides in California with his husband and two wonderful children, Aaron, 12, and Haley, 3.

The Fabulous Divas of Broadway runs Oct. 29 & 30, 7:30pm, Black Box Theatre, Rose Wagner Center. Tickets $22, 801355-ARTS or arttix.org.

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QSaltLake Tweets at twitter.com/ qsaltlake

NORTHERN UTAH COALITION, INC. HIV/AIDS PROJECT IN PARTNERSHIP WITH WEBER STATE Presents:

A Night at the Speakeasy DATE: Nov. 14, 2009 TIME: 6:30 P.M.—11:00 P.M. Join us for a wonderful night at the Speakeasy with an elegant dinner with a cash bar, entertainment , magic and fun. There will be a live band where you can Charleston the night away. Don’t miss out on the silent auction and raffle.

Remember to get your picture taken in your Zoot Suits and Flapper Dresses.

Tickets are $40.00, which includes dinner. Your choices are Beef, Chicken or Vegetarian.

Contact Sheena Scoffield at (970) 764-5965 or by email at sscoffield123@hotmail.com for tickets but hurry because there is a limited amount.

Northern Utah Coalition HIV/AIDS Project is a Non-Profit Organization and the proceeds from this event will support education, awareness, training and local services to those affected with this challenging disease Event will be held at the Ogden Eccles Conference Center located at 2415 Washington Boulevard Ogden, Utah 84401-2315 Northern Utah Coalition, Inc. HIV/AIDS Project in partnership with Weber State University Phone: (801) 393-4153 E-mail: nuc536@comcast.net Web:northernutahcoalition.com

For ADA concerns contact Sarah at (801) 393-4153

Food & Drink

Restaurant Review Pago — Classique!

by Chef Drew Ellsworth

I

’70s and ’80s my sister, Lottie Ann Ellsworth, and I owned a small French restaurant in Holladay. I had been trained in France in classical French cuisine and remained emphatic about following classical traditions. Now, as a chef and a culinary artist, I’ve learned to take a classical idea and twist it to conform to the moment. The knowledge and background of the classics is a base to return to time and time again, and yet each time the outcome is new.

Last night, my sister and I, after much anticipation, went to Pago in the 9th and 9th district of downtown Salt Lake. The restaurant is small and cozy with a lot exposed brick — I felt like I was in Boston or San Francisco in one of those great, little historical areas which has been meticulously maintained to remain old and timeless — actually, a fresh idea in Utah!

Pago, named after a Spanish wine, is the brainchild of Scott Evans. Scott has paid his dues in the restaurant business. He has worked at and managed places like Squatters, The Depot, Stein Erickson, Grand America and the highly touted, Globe. Scott is sweet, handsome, calm and a devoted family man with a twinkle in his eye. He seems extremely well-suited to his business and very capable of making his own dreams come true. His one great strength is in bringing together a team of classically trained artists and then letting them create. He seems to almost totally stay out of the kitchen, which, probably, accounts for the “calm” thing.

Mr. Evans is also a superb wine guy. I love his wine list which has 20 carefully n the

chosen wines by the glass: 10 white and 10 red. Pago is the only restaurant in Salt Lake to use a freshness-controlled wine system. This cuts down on the waste of a very expensive product and allows people to get a really good wine by the glass — my sister and I were very impressed. Pago also offers an extensive and hand-picked list of wines by the bottle, which, to me, may be the best in town. I brought a 1er Cru Santenay White Burgundy from my collection — beautiful mid-palate sweetness with a toasted oak finish. From the restaurant Lottie ordered a glass of Conde Lagado Albarino — citrusy and perky — and I had a glass of the Road 31 Pinot Noir which had a hint of soft spices and complimented my entrée.

I must say, as I always do, that I was a g u e s t of Pago and they knew we were coming so there was no element of surprise here. My purpose in writing these articles for QSaltLake is to convey the feelings and enjoyment I have in discovering the culinary scene in Salt Lake. Don’t judge me for being too positive — there are plenty of critics out there who are only interested in the screw-ups and the negative stuff.

We were waited on by Jeff Foehr, a consummately professional waiter who has served me before in other nice places. Jeff is tall, dimpled and emits pheromones bursting with testosterone like his surroundings; totally masculine and Spartan — no fluff here! My sister and I were both, kind of, well, a-flutter.

Our food was just as my theme indicates — classic with a twist — and very

good I might add. ramic dishes which were beautiful and We ordered off the menu this time appropriate. The salad had a mixture just so we could really see what was of rocket greens and arugula in a deligoing on. I cious, Muscat vinaigrette — it was garchose the nished with garden cherry tomatoes Lamb Branand thinly sliced yellow squashes, then dade, which sprinkled with a house-made, crunchy is a sort granola — we were happy. of lamb/ I had heard from several people that p o t a t o the portions at Pago are quite small, hash with but in our case we found all the pora poached tions adequate and, in fact, our entrée egg on top. servings were generous. My sister Our waiter had the quail and I had the pork chop. made a There were two quail perfectly roasted face at this and still succulent; the flavor reminded choice so I us of wild pheasant. They are served knew right in a pool of a beautiful brown sauce away he which my sister ate so fast I didn’t get wasn’t too a chance to experience it myself, and pleased but then garnished with some preserved the dish just huckleberries. My pork chop was on seemed so interesting to me I had to a mound of delicious, creamy mashed go there. This hash patty was a little potatoes made in a French puree style overcooked, I thought, and a little too and, can I say the word “gravy” — I love seasoned. The egg was not the prettiest the rustic and comfort-food idea behind poached egg I’ve seen but I did get some this dish. It is topped with beautifully great ideas from it — I’m going to work hand-cut apples, lightly cooked in cinon this recipe myself. namon. In 1997, my sister and I spent Lottie ordered the pan-seared scal- a week in Brussels and ever since we lops, which had been a favorite in our have been devotees of Belgian cuisine restaurant. The chefs had — both of our entrees respooned a fresh-tasting tominded us of this remarkRICE mato ragout on top which able culinary tradition.

Fusion Cuisine & we both loved — the scalJeff brought us a dessert Sushi Bar lops were huge, perfectly sampler which we both 1158 S. State Street vowed only to take a bite cooked and plump. One 801-328-3888 small criticism here is the of (we devoured the whole sauce, which I thought, thing). It was a housericeutah.com could have been a bit more made lemon cello Tira DREW’S RATING: liquid — the flavor, howevMisu, vanilla pot de crème 85/100 er, was divine. with huckleberries on We were then treated by top and chocolate mousse two of what I believe are house special- made with Amano chocolate from Utah ties: Home-made honeyed beets and Valley. Once again drawing from the the Salad of the Marketplace. My sister classics, my only comment here is that and I grew up in North Ogden where the mousse, to me, was more of a crème each year our mom made jars and de chocolat, it lacked the stiff texture I jars of pickled beets so, for a brief mo- expect in a true mousse.

The chefs at Pago form a very compatment we were transported to our past — the beets were a mixture of red and ible marriage of experience. Adam Fingold. They were earthy, sweet and still ley and Mike Richey: I salute you! Q slightly al dente. Many of these starter Chef Drew H. Ellsworth, M.A., C.E.C. items were served on sushi-style ce-

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Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 33

Anagram An anagram is a word or phrase that can be made using the letters from another word or phrase.

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Q ueeries

by Steven Petrow

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Q:

I’ve worked at a fairly conservative firm for years and have always brought opposite-sex “dates” to parties. But now that I am partnered with a wonderful woman I’d like to come out, but how?

Congratulations on your new romance.

Having a significant other is often the impetus for people to come out at work because being in a couple makes the issue seem more concrete — at least to your colleagues — and there are more ways to bring the subject up .

You don’t even have to say, “I’m a lesbian,” for instance, because it will be clear that she’s your girlfriend if you introduce her as such.

A:

But first, consider the pros and cons of coming out at work. Let’s start with the pros: - You wwon’t have the stress of living in the closet or worrying about switching pronouns at the last moment any more.

- You can talk openly about your relationship.

- You may make deeper friendships by being honest with your coworkers.

Before making a final decision, find out whether your company has a nondiscrimination policy that includes sexual orientation and gender identity. See if there is an LGBT affinity group in your workplace that can provide you with guidance and support. Still, I’m in no way trying to dissuade you from coming out — in fact just the opposite — but do your due diligence.

How can I be out without causing problems for my kids?

Q:

I have two kids in junior high who already don’t want to have anything to do with me or their other mother - not because we’re gay, just because we’re their. We purposely don’t wear our T-shirts that say, “We’re Here, We’re Queer,” but do wonder how out can we be without causing problems for them?

That can be a tricky age for kids. Any difference makes you suspect. A foreign accent. An idiosyncratic haircut. Same-sex parents. Needless to say, the answer to this question depends to some degree on where you live. For families in the Castro, Greenwich Village, and other gayborhoods, it’s fair to say that LGBT parents are not just common but ubiquitous.

A:

But for parents and kids in areas where LGBT families are less visible, it makes sense to deploy a step-by-step coming out strategy.

First, take stock of your new neighbors and figure out who has kids more or less the same age as yours. Much as you may have done when you first came out, befriend three or four of them who you think might be welcoming. Invite them and their kids over for some sort of function — a birthday party, summer BBQ, or the like. More likely than not, you’ll soon find yourself being welcomed as a family into your neighborhood circle. At the same time, make an appointment with your kids’ teachers so that they can introduce you to other LGBT parents in the school as well as keep an eye open for any trouble, especially anti-gay bullying (because of your sexual orientation). And, of course, talk with your kids directly about their own feelings regarding your sexuality.

Do I have to be labeled?

Q:

I’m a guy who’s had a couple of relationships with other guys, but I’ve also had two girlfriends. So, I’m not exactly sure if I’m gay, but I know that I’m different. Everyone I know seems to care about labels — “straight,” “gay,” “bi” - but I’m just not sure what to call myself. What should I be telling people?

First of all, you don’t need to tell anyone anything. How you define yourself is your business and just because someone is asking you a question doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to answer it. If a friend or family member asks you a direct question about your sexuality, you can reply, with a smile: “Thanks for asking, but I prefer to keep my private life private.” You don’t need to be snarky, just firm.

A:

But as you’ve noticed, our culture values labels, whether it comes to race (black, white, Asian), politics (red or blue state), or sexuality (gay, straight, bi).

Things aren’t always that clear, however. A recent study of non-straight young people asked them how they define themselves sexually. The results suggested that more than seven out of 10 endorsed the usual sexual identity labels (gay, lesbian and bisexual), but 10 percent, those like you, showed resistance to those labels or fluidity in their sexual identities. Thirteen percent reported they were “questioning” their sexual identities. So, take comfort that you’re in a sizeable minority — a minority that is often referred to as “post-gay,” and, in fact, should probably be considered avant-garde in having rejected sexual identity labels. Qwww. gayandlesbianmanners.com.

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 35

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U

U

Q Puzzle

Not In Kansas Any More

Across 1 Dealing with actors’ parts 8 Rude lookers 15 Blanche Wiesen Cook subject 16 Mogadishu’s country 17 With 18-Across, gay anthem from The Wizard of Oz 18 See 17-Across 19 When repeated, a Funny Girl song 20 Billy and nanny 21 With 36-Across, gay men, in terms of The Wizard of Oz 27 Piece of leg 30 Greek philosophical type 31 Stand up to 35 Arena cry, to Marga Gomez 36 See 21-Across 38 “This instant!”

39 With a wide-open mouth 41 Printer’s widths 42 Shelley Duvall role in Popeye 44 Sex advice guru Dan 46 Miniature golf club 47 Andrew Van de Camp, for one 48 Total confusion 52 Admission exams

53 With 65-Across, song that references The Wizard of Oz 55 Chase behind 59 Utterance at a gay rodeo 60 Name of many a gay bar 65 See 53-Across 68 Get in the sack 69 Playground retort 70 With mouth wide open 71 Vital team 72 Care for 73 Give the slip to Down 1 Men on top, perhaps 2 Thomas ___ Edison 3 Rank Amelie Mauresmo, e.g.

4 Import duty 5 Put six feet under 6 Yokohama drama 7 Would-be master’s test 8 Cold War abbr.

9 Ode opener 10 Kahlo’s cohort 11 Drove away 12 Napoleon’s exile isle 13 Historic Stonewall event 14 Tools for woody targets 22 Metric starter 23 To be in Rimbaud’s arms 24 Time that goes either way

25 Morse’s shorts 26 U. of San Francisco, e.g.

27 Go down on a hill 28 Uninvited pool guests?

29 Hit the road 32 “Ring My Bell” singer Ward 33 Want thy neighbor’s ass, for example 34 Big jugs 36 Univ. title 37 “Getting to Know ___” (The King and I) 40 Boy played by Martin and Duncan 43 OCS grads 45 The Name of the Rose writer 46 College dept.

49 Lorca’s guy 50 Renée of La Boheme 51 Reed player 53 Shine, in ad-speak 54 Comics cry 55 Timothy Daly’s sister 56 Paper amount 57 Hit the ground 58 Trials and tribulations 61 Sea near the Caspian 62 ___ boy 63 Thailand neighbor 64 ___ of Seventeen 66 Existed 67 Whisper sweet nothings answers on p. 43

Cryptogram

A cryptogram is a puzzle where one letter in the puzzle is substituted with another. For example: ECOLVGNCYXW YCR EQYIIRZNBZN YZU PSZ! Has the solution: CRYPTOGRAMS ARE CHALLENGING AND FUN! In the above example Es are all replaced by Cs. The puzzle is solved by recognizing letter patterns in words and successively substituting letters until the solution is reached.

This week’s hint: P = W Theme: Quote by film director Andrés Rubio about a Spanish village reinventing itself as a same-sex weddings destination.

Qfanchhj xzjpx pzfv’x njxxckhs pzso tjl zfws vzs ngjnsg asfxlgs jd vjhsgfoqs foi gsxnsqv.

________ _____ ____’_ ________ ____ ___ ____ ___ ______ _______ __ _________ ___ _______.

3 8 | QSa lt L a k e | issue 139 | Oc tober 15 , 20 09

A&E

The Dating Diet

Ex and the City

by Anthony Paull

A

s a friend,

Jake says I should know better than to let him drink with a cell phone in hand.

We’re driving in the heavy rain to an equality benefit, and once we’re escorted inside, under the safety of black umbrellas, I tell him that we don’t have to go out afterward; it’s not as if I like country line-dancing anyway, especially when I know Jake is already drunk and his ex is going to be present.

Talk about a five-minute recipe for gay, country-fried drama. You see, Jake’s not officially over the fact that his ex screwed him hard enough to hit oil. So here, now, when he says he’s over it, I simply flutter my eyes and take a deep whiff of the sugary designer cologne covering the scent of his heartache: the underlying, sweaty odor of up, down and sleepless nights of spiraling ‘round and ‘round.

Still, Jake’s going to rise above it; this is what he declares as we mindlessly listen to a local, selfless, gay politician explain that we really should donate $100 to the good cause of equality because the liquor bill, at least for Jake, should double that.

“But I’m just a poor, underpaid writer,” I apologetically confess to the redsuited politico wearing a yellow hearingaid. “So how about $25 bucks and a blow job from Jake. That’s got to be worth $100. Well, maybe $50.”

The commissioner, blindingly bald, nods as if that’s an option. But I’m not sure if he technically hears me so I say it again, louder, before Jake pushes me toward the bar. “You shouldn’t talk to politicians like that. They’re not used to it,” he says.

“Not used to what? Hearing it or paying for it?”

Downing his vodka and cranberry, Jake’s face is flushing red, as around us, high-society members feast on spiced meatballs and spinach and brie quesadilla. “Ugh, we don’t belong here,” he moans. “Let’s go line-dancing!”

“But your ex is going to be there. Are you going to be OK with that?”

“Of course!” Jake assures me, minutes later in the car. Still, he wants more to drink before we arrive. So we make a fast pit stop at my house, where he raids the wooden liquor cabinet, feasting on vodka and diet-mixers.

“Don’t worry. Just be hot. That’s all you need to do,” I inform Jake, who is desperately trying to calm his anxiety with each swallow.

“I’m fine,” he says, growing agitated.

“I don’t need to be anything. I don’t need to validate myself to him! I don’t need fresh clothes or some new boy on my arm! I don’t have to lose weight! Why do I care what he thinks? Why should I?” “You’re right,” I calmly agree, in hope

that he’ll settle down.

“Ha! Why do I need revenge?” he questions, as we battle bumper traffic on the dark, slippery road to the country bar.

Still, I hear it in, under and around his voice: something sinister, something we’ve all felt before. But where does it come from, this malicious intent? And why is it that we always need to be the last to say ‘I love you’ and the first to say ‘goodbye’ for life to be OK? At the bar, there’s a big-haired bridal party filling the dance floor, jamming to a live band, consisting of a fiddle, drums and electric guitar. Throughout, I spy a mad mix of gays, cowboys and girls wearing 80’s bleached denim. I don’t know whether to run or interview people for my next column. Each song is about a broken heart, a broken dog, or a broken fender. Belligerent and boozed to the rim, Jake is fast friends with the bridal party, performing the electric slide. So what if it’s the wrong dance? “Every line dance is the electric slide!” he calls to me.

“Except hillbillies, they add in a curse and a calculated fall once in a while.”

At this point, I know we’re going to get our gay asses beat, but this is at the bottom of my worry list. Jake’s cheating ex-boyfriend, he’s my top concern.

Now, he approaches me in black and white plaid and gives me a hug, says hello and asks “How is Jake?”

Instead of an answer, I simply frown and nod in Jake’s direction. Instantly, he looks, and then begins typing on his cell phone.

“You look incredible. I wish things were different,” Jake sarcastically says later, reading his ex’s text. On the ride home, he’s seems content with the message, even though I can tell it’s not quite enough. I wonder, is there every truly equality at the finale of a relationship or does somebody always have to pay?

Can our egos afford anything less than a mindless retaliation? “I’m so sick of this bitch!” Jake suddenly exclaims, replying to the message. At least, I think it’s a reply. But you see, Jake’s more forward than that.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Forwarding his message to his new boyfriend,” Jake sneers. “Along with a message for him to keep his man away from me.”

“You think that’s smart?” I ask. “You think it’ll make it better?”

Shrugging, he turns up the radio, tosses his cell phone, and closes his teary eyes. “No, but it will help me sleep,” he sighs, resting his head. And I think finally, he’s on to something. Because maybe a good night’s sleep is the best revenge that any of us can ask for when ending a relationship anyway. Q

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 39

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Sports

Local Cowboy Competes in World Gay Rodeo

by Brad Di Iorio

S

addle up and get your spurs on,

because Salt Lake City resident Clark Monk has qualified to participate in the 2009 International Gay Rodeo Association’s World Finals, held this year in Albuquerque, N.M., Oct. 23-25. Monk is scheduled to compete in breakaway roping, team roping, barrel racing, pole bending and steer decorating, for a chance to win a championship belt buckle as well as a cash prize in each event.

“A contestant must qualify to go to the rodeo finals each year,” explained Monk. “You accumulate points based on your placing in each rodeo you attend [during the season, January through October]. The top 20 contestants in each event are then invited to finals held each October.”

The IGRA is a non-profit organization made up of regional Gay Rodeo Associations throughout the United States and Canada. These groups foster and sponsor rodeo activities while raising money for non-profits associated with the gay and lesbian community in their respective areas. Each year, the IGRA presents an international rodeo that allows qualifying competitors to participate in 13 IG-

RA-sanctioned events, from bull riding to the Wild Drag Race event.

Monk said there are three other Utah contestants participating in the World Gay Rodeo Finals, but they are not out in their respective communities nor do they wish to participate in promoting themselves openly in the sport.

“Unfortunately, the number of participants have dwindled over the years,” said Monk. “Four years ago the Utah Gay Rodeo Association folded and closed its member association.”

In the past, the UGRA had sponsored an IGRA convention and four successful rodeos in the Salt Lake area, according to Monk.

“There are barrel racing clubs here in the valley that anyone can join and there are four or five gay participants who are very active in the barrel racing circuit,” he added. “I do, however, have friends who rodeo and barrel race that know I am gay and have no problem with me or with gay rodeo and are very supportive.”

During the season, four or five local rodeo enthusiasts will take a road trip in one vehicle, share a couple of rooms, drive 12–16 hours to a rodeo, and re-

turn to Salt Lake City for work, after a weekend participating in West Coast gay rodeos.

“I am very fortunate that I have a job that allows me to pick and choose my schedule, so attending the rodeos really hasn’t been difficult,” said Monk. “I have won in many of the events I have participated in and have a nice trophy case filled with buckles.”

The rewards for competing are placing in each event entered, earning the belt buckle and prize money, which helps pay for the weekend, the cost of maintaining one’s animals, equipment and travel. The love of competition and placing on a consistent basis among the top cowboys and cowgirls is also rewarding to one’s self esteem.

“Up until two years ago I was single and traveled with other rodeo buddies,” said Monk. “I’m very lucky to have met someone who allows me to continue to rodeo.

He travels with me now and even though he doesn’t participate, he is a great video recorder and my biggest fan.”

Gay rodeo also has events for beginners, so that anyone without knowledge of working with animals or specific events can learn. Most events are open to men and women, including bull riding and barrel racing. Line dancing is also respected within the rodeo circuit, and dance finals are held at a yearly national convention each year.

“Gay rodeo has most all of the same

events that mainstream rodeo has,” noted Monk. “Gay rodeo, however, has a few other events thrown in, and the rodeos are more of an all-day social event, not only for contestants but for the spectators as well.”

Though many folks might not consider rodeo a sport, participants must stay in shape, learn to negotiate distance and speed, and display dexterity for specific actions in each event.

They must also learn to exercise good judgment because each participant is working and commanding actions with animals. Agility, strength and will power are necessary for each cowboy and cowgirl to make decisions quickly.

Most events are timed and the competitor with the shortest time usually takes the prize.

Monk said he has probably competed in all 13 events during his time participating in rodeo. However, he is currently competing in these events: Mounted break-away roping is an event where the mounted cowpoke’s rope is tied to the saddle horn by a piece of string. When the calf is released from the chute, the mounted participant must lasso the calf completely around its head. As the rope grows taunt and breaks away from the saddle horn, the task is completed.

Team roping involves a pair of riders who train together with well-trained horses. One rider/roper, called the ‘head-

er,’ ropes the steer’s horns and turns the steer in a certain direction. This allows the second rider/roper, or ‘heeler,’ to rope the steer’s heels. Collisions, entanglements and even serious hand injuries or loss of fingers may result if the exercise is not well-timed and executed.

Pole bending is another timed event, in which horse and rider race through a line of equally spaced (21 feet apart), six-foot poles. A running start is allowed and a penalty of five seconds is assessed if a pole is knocked down or if horse and rider go off course.

Barrel racing is another timed event in which a horse and rider maneuver in a cloverleaf pattern around three barrels after passing a visible starting line. Penalties are assessed for knocking over barrels, and if the rider goes off the pattern, he or she is disqualified.

Steer decorating is another timed event with a team of two participates.

One team member holds a 25-foot rope tied around the steer’s horns. This team member is about 10 feet way from the steer, which is still in the chute, while his or her teammate is 40 feet away from the chute and holding a ribbon that will be tied to the steer’s tail. Af-

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ter the steer is released, the first team member is able to get the rope off the steer’s horns, and the other team member must get the ribbon tied onto the steer’s tail, and then this team member hits a timer.

“I have made great friends over the years and consider IGRA to be part of my family,” said Monk. “We have entertainment and vendor booths set up at the rodeos as well. Gay rodeo has a little bit of something for everyone.”

The 2009 World Gay Finals honors Grand Marshall Lorrie Murphy, community activist and rodeo aficionado from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, for her work supporting the community, sponsoring and promoting rodeo teams locally and internationally, and her work with local and national non-profits. Entertainment at the three-day event includes The Demented Divas in “Totally Plowed” and Sandy Vee Anderson, in a tribute to Dolly Parton.

For more information about the IGRA Gay Rodeo Finals, visit IGRA.com. Q

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Q Tales

The Perils of Petunia Pap-Smear

These businesses brought you this issue of QSaltLake.

Make sure to thank them with your patronage.

by Petunia Pap-Smear

T

Stake Conference is fraught with danger and excitement.

I had the most unsettling experience last weekend. There I was, dutifully updating my Facebook page, when from the living room I heard the unmistakable, slow and measured drone of what could only be a Mormon General Authority. My heart leapt into my throat, thinking they had come to take me away at last. I snuck down the hallway, gripping a four-inch stiletto in each hand as weapons. I sprang into the living room prepared to go all crouching tiger, hidden drag queen on his ass. I was relieved to find the incessant droning was emanating from the television. Apparently Mr. Papsmear, having gone for a snack, had left the TV on after watching Meet The Press and it was playing the Mormon General Conference. Suddenly, I was overcome by a whirlwind of memories. The dichotomy of being gay and Mormon, and the secret double life I lived for several years came flooding back into my consciousness.

Allow me to reminisce.

It all began on a “dark and stormy” night, in April, 1985. I was returning home from my mission reunion. While driving north on State Street, I noticed the neon marquee of the XXX-rated Studio Theater (which sadly is no longer there) shining like a beacon in the darkness to my 28-year-old starving virgin eyes.

Drawn like a moth to a flame, or more aptly, like a princess to the Este Lauder counter, I entered the theater. I only stayed a few minutes; I don’t think he road to

Puzzle Solutions

I even sat down, but as I stood there in the doorway at the back I saw sex for the first time. Sure it was straight sex, but even lima beans can taste good to the starving! Then guilt overcame me and I left, but the door to my tightly locked closet was beginning to crack under the pressure of 28 years of denial.

Upon a subsequent visit to the theater, I was invited by a very nice gentleman to go with him in his car, where he proceeded to give me my first “laying on of lips.”

I surprisingly learned that “blow,” in reality, means “suck.” Right in the middle of “holding to the rod,” so to speak, I was visibly wracked with guilt. I stopped and told him that I was a Mormon and couldn’t continue. He answered, “It’s going to be all right, I’m a Bishop, and you’re going to be just fine,” and he proceeded to finish teaching me the “First Discussion.” And so I began to live a double life of “Peter Priesthood” by day and “Homo Teacher” by night.

Over the course of the next four years, I began to vent all my pent up frustrations of secret crushes on mission companions, and lusting over those studly pictures of Heleman’s Warriors in Sunday School. The candy store was opened. I secretly explored my sexuality, shall we say “line upon line, precept on precept,” sharing fleeting sexual encounters with a string of fellow, nameless closet cases. This left me with a strengthened testimony of “Holding the Priesthood” as close and often as you can catch them. I came to realize that in practice, my body was not a temple, but a visitor’s center.

Cryptogram: Campillo shows what’s possible when you have the proper measure of tolerance and respect.

Anagram: John Ondrasik

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The Tale of Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree

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One Saturday night, I picked up this unbelievably handsome stud, and took him home for some “Homo Teaching.”

This guy was incredible and gave a whole new meaning to the word “endowment.” After a lengthy, torrid and passionate “missionary lesson,” our “popcorn did pop upon the Apricot tree” and “Give, Said the Little Stream” gained a whole new meaning.

The next morning, I was leading the opening song, a rousing rendition of “Come, Come Ye Saints” in my single student ward. I noticed during the first verse that “Sister Smith” had walked in with a date and sat in the back row. I marveled, between swishes of the baton, at how cute her date was. Ironically, it wasn’t until we broke into stanza of “All Is Well, All Is Well” that I realized her hot date was the same prospective investigator with whom I had shared Family Homo Evening the night before. That two-timing hussy!

I forgot the words to the song, lost the beat of the music and just started waving the baton in a wide circle, like an airplane propeller. My impulse to flee was overwhelming. When he saw me, the panic in his eyes was worse than when two queens end up wearing the same frock at a party. I could tell he wanted to bolt for the door as much as I did. For the rest of the meeting, we sat there trying not to make eye contact. After the final “Amen,” he disappeared faster than free porn at a party.

After this experience, I began to notice more and more of my “Homo Evening Sisters” at the church, since my ward shared the same building with nine other wards. We would pass in the foyer like ships in the night without acknowledging each other. One time, while I was singing in the choir for Stake conference, I looked out into the congregation and counted at least six former conquests. I was such a good “missionary!”

Like always, these events leave us with many eternal questions: 1.

Do the General Authorities have special classes to learn how to speak in monotones, or do they just use large amounts of Valium?

2.

If I had run out of the chapel mid-song, would the Bishop have noticed?

3.

Was it just me or was Moroni hot?

4.

If I sing “Give, Said the Little Stream” will people look at me funny?

5.

Am I too old to sing “I Hope They Call Me On A Mission”?

These and other important questions to be answered in future chapters of “The Perils of Petunia Pap-Smear.” Q

Oc tober 15 , 20 09 | issue 139 | QSa lt L a k e | 43

Q

e g a P k c a B

Rev. Leesa Myers

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