QSaltLake November 10, 2011 Gay Couples Separated by Deportation

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salt lake Issue 193 November 10, 2011

Gay Couples Separated by Deportation Citizenship by marriage reserved only for heterosexual couples through DOMA Seasons Givings: Chik-fil-A Donates Millions Halloween Bitch Charity Options to Anti-Gay Causes Photos

2 NEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

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what should we do this weekend?

i dunno. where should we look?

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ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

staff

publisher Michael Aaron editor Seth Bracken

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arts & entertainment editor/ofc mgr Tony Hobday graphic designer Christian Allred sales Gus Garcia, Robb Trujillo contributors Chris Azzopardi, Lynn Beltran,

Chef Drew Ellsworth, H. Rachelle Graham, John Hales, Bob Henline, Gus Herrero, Tony Hobday, Christopher Katis, Annalisa Millo, Petunia Pap Smear, Anthony Paull, Steven Petrow, Ruby Ridge, Ed Sikov, A.E. Storm, Michael Westley, Ben Williams, D’Anne Witkowski distribution Ryan Benson, Peggy Bonn, Michael Hamblin, Nancy Burkhart publisher

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ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

NEWS

NATIONAL

Courts must consider role of religions in Prop. 8, Constitutional expert says

By Seth Bracken

When considering the federal court decision that struck down Proposition 8, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, and most likely the Supreme Court, will have to consider the role religious organizations played in passing the voter referendum banning gay marriage, said Kenji Yoshino, an NYU professor and constitutional law expert.

Yoshino, who is currently the Chief Justice Earl Warren Professor of Constitutional Law at NYU School of Law, spoke about the ramifications of the federal trial of Prop. 8 at the University of Utah as part of its Leary Lecture series on Oct. 31.

The case, which is likely to end up at the U.S. Supreme Court, explores whether or not a federal judge has the ability to intervene on a state’s constitutional amendment and one of the main factors in that decision is the political power and influence of the minority party being affected.

“There is a really organized opposition against gays and lesbians as a group and that definitely has been a hinge on their political power,” Yoshino said.

The opposition to gay marriage which was headed by religious coalitions, including the Mormon Church, will have to be considered by the courts, Yoshino said. The faith-based groups that supported Prop. 8 comprised more than a third of voters and a significant amount of the financial donations to the campaign came after urgings from churches. The Utah-based Mormon Church issued a letter to be read in all of its U.S. congregations urging members to support the anti-gay initiative by donating “means and time.”

“There is no group that is targeted more in our society by ballot initiatives than gays and lesbians. ... There have been more than 200 ballot initiatives that have been antiLGBT since the 1970s and more than 70 percent have been successful,” Yoshino said.

Before 1990, no states had a constitutional ban on gay marriage and now more than 60 percent have them, he added.

And despite some gains in the queerrights movement, gays and lesbians are vastly under-represented in both national and local governments. There have been only six openly gay U.S. representatives, no openly gay senators, no openly gay presidents and less than one percent of lo-

cal government representatives are openly gay, he said. Also, because gays and lesbians have no easily identifiable characteristics, organization of a cohesive unit makes it much more difficult to be a powerful group, Yoshino said.

Identifying the political vulnerability of gays and lesbians is an important step in overturning Prop. 8, he said. However, the Supreme Court will also be ruling on

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whether or not gay marriage is an extension of the right to be married, which has already been established, he said. The Court will have to review whether gay marriage, like interracial marriage, was already a right that had been denied, or whether gender-specific family roles were implied in previous cases, Yoshino said.

“I don’t think the court is going to be playing logic games. I think that what the court is going to be doing is determining whether or not the country is ready for a judicial determination of whether or not same-sex marriage is constitutionally required,” Yoshino said.

After federal judge Vaughn Walker struck down Prop.8 as unconstitutional in 2010 it was appealed and the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals will most likely rule on the issue sometime in 2012.

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4 NATIONAL NEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

Quips & Quotes ❝ ❝Adoptive families come in all forms. With so many children waiting for loving homes, it is important to ensure that all qualified caregivers are given the opportunity to serve as adoptive parents, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or marital status.”

—President Barack Obama in a National Adoption Month proclamation

❝ ❝You may be able to pat yourselves on the back today and say that you did something, but in actuality, you’re explicitly outlining how to get away with bullying. Your exceptions have swallowed the rule. As passed today, bullying kids is okay if a student, parent, teacher, or school employee can come up with a religious or moral reason for doing it.”

—Michigan State Senator Gretchen Whitmer spoke out against a bullying bill that has religious exemptions

❝ ❝Today I know that I was deceiving myself. But back then,

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I thought that every sentiment or attraction was a mere case of ‘temptation’ and that it could be overcome with prayer and dedication to god. In the group, we used to think, basically speaking, that being gay was a sin, which should be confessed and abandoned and, therefore, we would proselytize, counsel, pray, preach, recommend certain books, read the Bible – things that believers usually do, but focusing on homosexuality itself; unfortunately, always demonizing homogenic love. It was an act of violence against ourselves.”

—Former ‘ex-gay’ leader John Aravosis

❝ ❝That God who gave us rights also gave us a responsibility and laws by which our civil laws have to comport with. A higher law.

God’s law. I’ve been out there doing that. I’ve been fighting these battles again on religious liberty because those two institutions ... the church and the family ... are the things that will suffer most if gay marriage is put in place.”

—GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

NEWS

5

Co-adoptions lead to stronger families, study says posing the misrepresentation on the National Organization of Marriage’s website.

After the real location of the photos was released, NOM’s president, Brian Brown tried to explain the misappropriation of the images.

“They object to us using a photo of a crowd scene, which symbolizes the tens of thousands of New Hampshire voters who are part of our effort. They’re upset that the photo was not taken at a NOM rally.

Seriously?! NOM using a common use photo in the public domain is considered a great scandal, yet they can redefine marThe second photo was posted on the riage,” Brown wrote in a blog post. “It’s as same site with the caption, “Get involved!” if the institution of marriage gets mugged, A screen capture of The National Organi- and they complain about speeding in the zation for Marriage’s website fighting against neighborhood when someone rushes it to the hospital!” marriage equality in New Hampshire.

Brown finished his post by asking for fiThis photo was actually taken at the nancial contributions to fight against marsame rally for Obama in St. Louis.

This is the photo taken in St. Louis, ex- riage equality.

Anti-gay marriage group defends manipulative photos The anti-gay National Organization for Marriage says it’s justified for stealing photos of a much larger rally to post on their website because gays are threatening society.

NOM is fighting to have same-sex marriage repealed in New Hampshire and has been caught using two fake photos on their website to make it appear that there is more support for their cause. In fact, the recent rallies and events NOM has held in New Hampshire have attracted less than 100 people and their photos make it appear thousands are in attendance. Recent polls indicate only 27 percent of New Hampshire residents support the repeal of marriage equality and 50 percent strongly oppose it.

The first photo NOM used was posted on the site, NewHampshireForMarriage.org with the caption, “Who we are.”

A screen capture of The National Organization for Marriage’s website fighting against marriage equality in New Hampshire.

This is the photo taken in St. Louis, exposing the misrepresentation on the National Organization of Marriage’s website.

In fact, this photo was taken at a rally supporting President Barack Obama in St. Louis.

Lady Gaga to launch anti-bullying Born This Way Foundation Singer-songwriter Lady Gaga is launching a non-profit foundation to help youth with “issues like self-confidence, well-being, anti-bullying, mentoring and career development.” Gaga and her mother, Cynthia Germanotta, will direct the foundation.

The Born This Way Foundation is being supported by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, The California Endowment and the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University.

“Together we hope to establish a standard of bravery and kindness, as well as a

community worldwide that protects and nurtures others in the face of bullying and abandonment,” Gaga said in a statement.

The multi-platinum artist is known for speaking out for gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people. She has a huge online presence with more than 44 million Facebook fans and 15 million Twitter followers. She has won several Grammys, released three platinum albums, including her latest, “Born This Way.” The foundation will be launched next year.

Lesbian couples who have children after the initiation of the relationship are more likely to share custody after the relationship ends if they are allowed to jointly share custody, according to a new study by the Williams Institute.

The lesbian couples who were allowed to co-adopt their children also stayed together, on average, four years longer. However, there was no reported difference in the happiness or well-being of the children who were jointly adopted and those who were adopted by only one partner.

The study, which was a first of its kind, studied 40 separated lesbian couples and their 17-year old adolescents. It was published in the journal National Council on Family Relations.

The study also indicated that children who were jointly adopted by two mothers reported a much higher closeness to both parents.

More than 80 percent of the couples had separated before their relationships were recognized by the state where they lived, such as a civil union, marriage or other form of domestic partnership.

Only 19 states and Washington D.C. have laws or court decisions clearly allowing coparent adoptions by gay couples. Samesex couples face uncertainty in 25 states about whether they can co-adopt, and in six states such adoptions are effectively banned.

Utah bans gay couples from adopting by prohibiting all second-parent adoptions and only allowing married couples to legally adopt. Since gay marriage is not recognized in Utah, gay couples cannot jointly adopt in the state. Despite recent efforts to overturn this law in the Legislature, there has been very little headway.

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

Chick-fil-A donates $2 million to anti-gay groups in 2009 The fast food chain Chick-fil-A donated nearly $2 million in 2009 to anti-gay groups such as Focus on the Family, Exodus International and the Eagle Forum. The donations to these, and other anti-gay groups, are made through the chain’s charitable foundation, WinShape.

The restaurant, which was recently voted the third best restaurant chain in the country, donated more than $1 million to antigay organizations between 2003 and 2008.

Kyle Foote According to 2009 IRS tax forms, WinShape made the following donations: Marriage & Family Legacy Fund: $994,199 Fellowship Of Christian Athletes: $480,000 National Christian Foundation: $240,000 Focus On The Family: $12,500 Eagle Forum: $5,000 Exodus International: $1,000 Family Research Council: $1,000 Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy defended his anti-gay stance and said, “While my family and I believe in the Biblical definition of marriage, we love and respect anyone who disagrees.”

In recent months protests against the

restaurant have been popping up around the nation, and a protest is planned for the new location in Salt Lake City during its grand opening. The protest, to be held Nov. 10, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. at 1206 E. 2100 South, Salt Lake City, will highlight not only the anti-gay stance of the restaurant, but also the mistreatment of animals, said Kyle Foote, the protest organizer.

“They have a strong record against equality that is well documented,” said Foote. “I think it’s important for us, as Salt Lake City residents, to be very careful about who we invite to be our neighbors. Does Chick-fil-A really espouse the values we want to have in our community?”

The company’s stated mission is to “glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us.” The company touts its support for traditional families and even runs a ‘marriage institute,’ where gay couples are not welcome.

“We want this to be a multipronged defense attack and we’re going to have people there all day, from open to close, protesting in shifts,” Foote said. “Our goal is to have about 200 people involved.”

Those interested in participating should go to tinyurl.com/chikfilaprotest. As the event nears, a schedule with time blocks will be distributed to ensure there are people staffing the rally all day, Foote said.

“Here’s a chance to show Chik-fil-A and other community members who is being hurt by anti-gay policies,” Foote said. “Even if you just stop by on your lunch break to protest, it can make a huge impact.”

Red Party to raise funds for Utah AIDS Foundation The seventh annual Red Party, an event to raise money for the Utah AIDS Foundation on World AIDS Day, will be hosted at Hotel Monaco on Dec. 1, 5:30-8 p.m. The Red Party is part of a national fundraiser held by all Kimpton-owned properties on, or around, World AIDS Day for local charities, and Utah has consistently raised more money than any other area, said Shawn Jackson, the entertainment guru at Hotel Monaco.

Last year, the event raised more than $33,000 and in 2009, it raised $28,000 for the UAF. As usual, the Hotel Monaco, 15 W. 200 South, Salt Lake City, will be decked in red, the color of the AIDS ribbon, and attendees are asked to wear red to the event. Hotel Monaco and Kimpton will donate 100 percent of all donations to the UAF and there is no overhead to rent the space. The founder of the hotel chain, Bill Kimpton,

began similar events in San Francisco during the height of the AIDS epidemic, Jackson said.

The planning for the event is still underway, but there will be a live auction and prize giveaways, including two-night stays at Kimpton-owned properties around the nation. Companies and organizations donate items to the event and there is usually a silent auction with the excess donations, Jackson said.

“This really is it. The big party. The one we look forward to. It’s just a great time and so much fun,” Jackson said.

In keeping with this theme, on-site Bambara restaurant will, as in years past, supply party-goers with red hors d’oeuvres and drinks.

Admission to the event starts at $35. To purchase tickets or find out more information, go to UtahAIDS.org or call 801-487-2323.

Mormon ‘trunk or treat’ bans cross-gender costumes When Raquel Smith found the invitation to a Halloween alternative to trick-ortreating sponsored by a local Mormon congregation, she noticed a startling phrase.

At the bottom of the flier, it stated rather simply, “Please no masks or cross-gender dressing.”

“I was furious. Absolutely furious,” Smith, who is not a member of the Mormon Church, said. “I dressed up my husband and son as angels, female angels, and we went around the neighborhood.”

She also posted a photo of the flier on Facebook and it went viral.

“I am befuddled at how much attention it has received,” Smith said. “So many people have shared it.”

The photo of the flier has been posted by queer news outlets around the country.

“It makes me sad to think that my friend’s daughter who wants to be Spider Man for Halloween wouldn’t be welcome,” Smith said. “I was so ashamed of the community and I knew a lot of my Mormon friends would be too.”

The LDS Bishop in the area, Dennis Toone, defended the flier to the Salt Lake Tribune saying, “I’ll defend the church and anybody who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to come.” He said he believed the rule was part of church policy.

The Church’s handbook discourages wearing masks, due to “security and safety reasons.” There are no guidelines for costumes.

Homo for the holidays No place to call home this Thanksgiving? Utah’s queer organizations have just the mation. solution.

Utah Pride Center The Utah Pride Center, with help from the community, is sponsoring a Thanksgiving feast at the Center on Nov. 24. Join members of the queer community and their allies for a delectable meal, games, movies and a wonderful time with friends.

The feast will be served from noon to 3 p.m. To attend, donate or volunteer, please contact the Utah Pride Center. This event is all-inclusive and vegan and vegetarian options will be available. Go to UtahPrideCenter.org for more infor-

The Trapp Since he first opened the Sun Tavern, Joe Redburn has sponsored a Thanksgiving dinner for his bar patrons. Now, more than two decades later, the tradition continues at The Trapp, 102 S. 600 West, which will once again host a dinner with all the traditional trimmings.

Club Try-Angles Since it opened 10 years ago, Gene Gieber has sponsored a Thanksgiving dinner for bar patrons and those that don’t have anywhere else to go. “I do it to give all of us without family nearby to gather and celebrate, plus I love turkey,” Gieber said.

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

NEWS

7

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From plays and musicals to drag shows yand DJs, Utah’s gays support art and entertainment in its many forms. The launch of GaySaltLake.com is a congregating place to find upcoming events, browse photo ngalleries and read articles about the queerrelated happenings in the city. Whether deciding which bar to go to on the weekend, eor looking for information about which restaurants are gay-friendly and fabulous, eGaySaltLake.com should be the first stop. s The site is designed for all the members of the LGBT community, their family and -allies, and the events calendar is a quick -and simple way to find what’s going on throughout the month. It includes categories such as bar listings, bar information and events. There’s also a section with accommodations and shopping for visitors.

“While Facebook is working for some bars and other places, there are significant gaps in social marketing. For example, visitors and people that are newly out or new to the area might have a hard time finding information on Facebook,” said Michael Aaron, publisher of QSaltLake and GaySaltLake.com.

The site, which launched on Oct. 27, focuses on providing the best content and will be tooled to fit the needs of the Utah gay community. The online traffic to Gay-

SaltLake.com is exploding and is quickly gaining consistent web traffic. “ We’re thrilled that we’ve already reached the 50,000 most popular sites in the nation within weeks of our launch,” Aaron said.

GaySaltLake.com is owned and operated

by QSaltLake and users can find links between the sites for optimized quality and content.

“I’d encourage everyone to continue visiting as events and photo galleries are added. This really is going to be the premier site for gay Salt Lake residents and visitors.

We already have the experience and ability to back that up,” Aaron said.

Other categories of events on the site include concerts, theater, dance, festivals, movies, sporting events and QSaltLakesponsored events.

The site is offering rock-bottom prices to advertisers and this is a perfect opportunity for businesses to break into the online and social media marketing scene, Aaron said. For just $10 a week, advertisers can feature a banner ad, and no design is necessary. Go to GaySaltLake.com and click on the SPONSOR advertisement to get started or email sales@qsaltlake.com. To have an event listed on GaySaltLake.com, email arts@qsaltlake.com.

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8 NEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Northern Utah’s Imperial Rainbow Court holds Zen-style coronation

The Imperial Rainbow Court of Northern Utah will bring an ‘Evening in the Zen Temple’ for the 12th coronation weekend event, Nov. 17-20. The festivities will kick off at the Roy Eagles Club, 5130 S. 1700 West, Roy, and continue at the Comfort Inn & Suites, 2250 S. 1200 West, Ogden, the rest of the weekend.

On Friday, Nov. 18, the out-of-town show will highlight Rainbow Court performers from out of the state. On Saturday, Alexis Devo Nov. 19, Coronation XII — An Evening in the Zen Temple: a Celebration of Life, Healing, Sunlight, Nature, Harmony, and Spirit, will show-

case the talents of the current monarchs Empress XI MacKenzie, Princess Coco Riley and Prince Truman. The new candidates for leadership, Alexis Devo and Nikki Reeves, will also be present for their coronation. Following the talent section, the Water Party with drinks and socializing will be held in the hotel’s reception hall. “ We w a n t e d to bring a different, more calming energy to this show. That’s why we chose the Zen Nikki Reeves theme. We want to convey a sense of calm and tranquility,” said J.P. Norman, also known as Empress MacKenzie.

ACLU of Utah announces scholarship The American Civil Liberties Union of Utah is seeking scholarship recipients in honor of their commitment and passion to civil liberties.

Since 2008, the program has awarded $1000 scholarships to three Utah high school seniors who demonstrate a desire to preserve civil liberties. Past scholarship recipients have positively impacted their communities by advocating for women at the United Nations, standing up for queer peers by starting queer-straight alliances, lobbying their elected officials for the protection of immigrants’ rights and championing free speech and free press.

“We are getting more and more applications each year from amazing young people who really care about protecting and promoting individual freedom,” said Anna Brower, development director at the ACLU of Utah, in a press release. “No matter how challenging our work at the ACLU gets, we always get a boost of inspiration from students who are fighting along with us in their schools and neighborhoods.”

Cara Cerise, Highland High School, was

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one of the ACLU of Utah’s first scholarship recipients in 2008. She spoke out for queer rights throughout her high school years. In addition to accepting leadership roles in her school’s social justice club and lobbying against anti-queer bills in the Legislature, Cara also started the Utah chapter of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. COLAGE is a support group dedicated to helping children of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents and families.

“What is so impressive about these young activists is the sophistication of their understanding of issues related to in-

sanctity of marriage The Kardashian curse After just 72 days, socialite Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her NBA-star hubby, Kris Humphreys. In a televised spectacle, second only to the royal wedding, the pair said “I do” and earned around $18 million from royalty rights and fees. Just 72 days later, even with Humphreys and Kardashian spending most of their time apart due to conflicting work and social schedules, she filed for divorce.

Still no outrage from religious conservatives has called for a constitutional amendment to ban Hollywood marriages.

The events held at the hotel are open to all ages and special hotel packages and prices are available.

The IRCONU is one of the few queer organizations in Northern Utah. The group meets regularly at local bars to help raise funds, not only for their activities, but for important charities, Norman said. Some of the local charities include the AIDS fund, the cancer fund and the community concern fund, which helps people who are struggling to make ends meet. The IRCONU also performs at the Ogden OUTreach Resource Center, which is the queer youth center in Northern Utah.

“The IRCONU continues a very important and long tradition of charitable giving and social atmosphere that has been established by the Royal Courts around the country,” Norman said.

The Court is run by a board of volunteers as well as volunteers who use the monarchical titles of emperor, empress, prince and princess. For more information, go to IRCONU.org or go to tinyurl.com/irconucoronation. equality and injustice. Our Selection Committee continually has been blown away by how much our applicants care about individual freedoms, and particularly about how other people may be prevented from exercising those freedoms,” Brower said.

Interested graduating seniors, currently attending Utah high schools, who plan on entering an accredited college or university, can apply online at acluutah. org. Qualified applicants will be selected, based on specific criteria, by the volunteer Scholarship Selection Committee, which is comprised of various community members and leaders. The top three applicants receive a scholarship award of $1000, and are honored at the ACLU of Utah’s Annual Bill of Rights Celebration in the spring.

Businesses challenge DOMA As the House considers a bill repealing the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act and federal courts are considering the constitutionality of the law, more than 70 major U.S. employers announced their support for the repeal. Google, Starbucks, Microsoft, the cities of New York and Boston and other corporations have all filed a brief with the case challenging DOMA indicating their support for its repeal.

DOMA prohibits the federal government from recognizing gay marriage which can lead to major complications for companies with employees where same-sex marriage is legal.

Husband secretly fed wife steroids to make her fatter A 41-year-old London man admitted to grinding up metabolic steroids and feeding them to his wife to make her gain weight so she would stay home and cook for him.

Dalwara Singh told an England court he would grind up the steroids and slip them into his wife’s wine and food when she wasn’t looking. It wasn’t until the couple’s daughter discovered the drugs that Jaspreet Singh Gill knew she was being drugged. Prior to finding out, she had massive growths of hair on her back and face as a result of the drugs.

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QSALTLAKE

Qmmunity Free Thinker Award The First Unitarian Church’s 5th Annual Fairly Free Thinker Award will be given to actor, playwright and queer-rights activist, Charles Lynn Frost, also known as Sister Dottie S. Dixon. The free thinker award extends gratitude and appreciation by a progressive congregation in Salt Lake City to an individual whose actions in the wider community best capture the essence of justice. As a free thinker the individual marches against the tide of a conservative environment.

WHEN: Nov. 19, 6:30 p.m.

WHERE: First Unitarian Church, 569 S. 1300 East

Boi-Lesque Salt City Boi-Lesque presents the first annual Boi-Lesque Revue — A Night of Drag and Burlesque. Featured performances by some of Salt Lake’s best burlesque troops and drag performers, as well as a few very special guests from Las Vegas, will make this the premier queer party of the season. Performers include Las Vegas’ own Stephanie Williams, Fever! Burlesque, Duchess Burlesque and ROTC – Salt Lake City. Individual performers in both the burlesque and drag arts will be bringing a unique perspective to the mix.

WHEN: Dec. 2, 8 p.m.

WHERE: Paper Moon, 3737 S. State St.

HIV/AIDS Medical Update Join the People With AIDS Coalition of Utah for a Medical Update with Dr. Kristen Ries.

Discussions will include current medical and treatment issues. The seminar is designed for people living with HIV, their family members, friends, caregivers and AIDS service providers.

WHEN: Nov. 12 WHERE: Utah Pride Center, 361 N. 300 West INFO: UtahPrideCenter.org

Salt Lake Men’s Choir Holiday Concert This year’s holiday concert features music ranging from the traditional to classical to swing, and even contemporary. Please bring non-perishable food or toiletry items for the Utah AIDS Foundation food bank and help fill the shelves and make a warm holiday for the many people affected by HIV and AIDS. WHEN: Dec. 9-11, 7:30 p.m.

WHERE: First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 East INFO: SaltLakeMensChoir.org

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QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

NEWS

9

Concealed weapon permit training to ELECTROLYSIS FOR MEN AND WOMEN be held at Utah Pride Center

Concealed firearm permit training classes will be offered by Utah CCW Training owner Scott Mogilefsky. The first class will be held Dec. 3 at the Utah Pride Center, 361 N. 300 West, Salt Lake City, for students who want to apply for a permit or want to learn about laws that govern the possession of firearms.

Enrollment in the four-hour class costs $40 a person and includes all course materials.

Mogilefsky said that he was motivated to conduct the classes for the center after the recent violent attacks against gay men in

Salt Lake City and American Fork.

“I strongly believe these classes could reduce the number of hate crimes,” Mogilefsky said in a press release. “If the criminal elements believe their prey is carrying, they will look elsewhere. We all know it’s a proven fact in other areas, so I think it will be here as well.”

Stonewall Shooting Sports of Utah founder David Nelson and Women Against Gun Control founder Janalee Tobias recommended to QSaltLake in September that gay Utahns buy and learn to use firearms safely and responsibly for their self defense.

Newly formed group will advocate for new arts center Today, the Downtown Alliance announced that local Emmy Award-winning composer, and LGBT ally, Kurt Bestor, is pairing up with Wells Fargo executive David Golden to launch Friends of the UPAC — a group of arts organizations, patrons and business leaders formed to support the creation of the Utah Performing Arts Center, Kurt Bestor a proposed new cultural facility for downtown Salt Lake City.

Although Golden and Bestor come from widely different backgrounds, both feel strongly that Salt Lake City could see major economic and cultural benefits by adding a new performing arts center, which will be used primarily for touring productions.

“I see the UPAC as an important next

not as I do Teacher Bully Pulpit Teachers and school administrators in Essex County, England, advised some students to act less gay, dress differently and wear their hair differently to avoid bullying, according to a report given to the Essex County Council.

The report detailed instances where rather than addressing the larger problem of bullies and harassment, school officials told the victims to change the way they dressed and acted to avoid the attention of bullies.

Cain Pulls Ahead Republican presidential hopeful and Godfather’s Pizza mogul Herman Cain has been fac-

step for Salt Lake City in its development as a thriving arts center in the West,” said Bestor. “I travel all over the country and believe Salt Lake City needs a facility like this to further vitalize our downtown and help grow new audiences.”

The proposed facility will house a 2,500seat theater, as well as a smaller theater and rehearsal space to be used by local arts organizations. The location of the new venue will be at 135 S. Main St., the former Newspaper Agency Corp building, which will be reconstructed.

“Construction of the UPAC will expand the local economy by almost $500 million and create over 4,000 jobs,” said Golden.

“Once built and at stabilized occupancy, the Utah Performing Arts Center will generate ongoing economic benefits of $14.8 million in output and create 168 new permanent jobs in Salt Lake County.”

ing hoards of negative media attention for alleged sexual harassment complaints and a cover-up that included hush money of more than $30,000.

Cain continues to poll very well with his conservative base and is beating former frontrunner, Mitt Romney. Somehow, despite allegations of sexual misconduct and bribery, Cain continues to woo Republicans.

The allegations occurred while Cain was married to his wife of more than 30 years. Cain claims he supports ‘traditional marriage’ and says gay marriage would threaten the very fabric of society.

Gays are Attacking Marriage, Again The anti-gay National Organization for Marriage

board member and former executive director Maggie Gallagher knows exactly why Kim Kardashian filed for divorce 72 days after she earned $18 million for getting married: It’s the gays! Speaking to the Christian Post, Gallagher said she would not comment on Kardashian’s divorce because she didn’t know the specifics, but then left the interview with this gem, “Hollywood in general and Kim Kardashian in particular support gay marriage. Perhaps that makes sense, if the speed of her divorce reflects a reduced commitment to the marriage.”

Somehow, it is the support for gay marriage that causes divorce.

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10 NEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

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Q salt lake’s QUAC to participate in Utah’s largest amateur swim meet

HOLIDAY shopping guide

Utah’s only queer aquatic club will be participating in the state’s largest amateur swim meet this November; individual swimmers will be trying to qualify to compete in national competitions.

The Queer Utah Aquatic Club is Utah’s largest all-inclusive sports organization and has been around since 1995. While swimming together several times a week to prepare for competitions and to stay in shape is one motivation, the club is also community oriented, said Milan Jendrisek, a QUAC board member.

“As most people know, QUAC is a swimming organization, but it’s also a place to find friends and participate in activities in the community such as the Pride Festival,

the Utah AIDS Foundation and other organizations,” Jendrisek said. “You do your swimming, get your workout, and also develop great friendships.”

QUAC is open to queers and their allies and no competitive swimming experience is required. Jendrisek said he was a beginner when he first started attending practice and could barely make it from one end of the pool to the other. Practice is held Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Sunday mornings at the Fairmont Aquatic Center, 1044 E. 2200 South, Salt Lake City.

There are practice groups for people of all abilities; from beginners, to advanced competitors who participate in competitions such as the South Davis Recreation Mas-

is coming CDC recommends HPV Nov. 24 vaccine for young men

By Seth Bracken

Advertising deadline Nov. 18

Young men should be vaccinated against the human papillomavirus, to protect against anal and throat cancers that can result from sexual activity, a federal advisory committee said.

The recommendation, issued Oct. 25 by the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, may transform the use of the HPV vaccine because most insurers pay for vaccines after the CDC recommends them for routine use. The vaccine is suggested for males age 11 to 26 and is administered in three doses. The total cost for all three doses is around $300.

The CDC, in 2006, recommended its use for females age 11 to 26. However, it is estimated that less than a third of young women have taken the advice, and the vaccine is considered controversial because it is used to prevent cancers that can result from a sexually transmitted disease. This controversy is likely to grow with the extension

to vaccinate young men since many of the cancers result from homosexual sex, said Karrie Galloway, CEO of the Planned Parenthood Association of Utah.

“This is the first time ever that we have a vaccine that can prevent cancer, and there’s still people debating about its use because they think that it will give young people a license to have sex,” Galloway said.

HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease in the country. Between 75 and 80 percent of American adults will be infected at some point, according to the CDC. While not common, some infections can lead to cellular changes that cause cervical, vaginal, vulvar, anal and throat cancers. Recent evidence suggests that HPV causes more throat cancers than tobacco.

Even those that have been exposed to HPV should be vaccinated because it could prevent a future infection from a different strand, said Kathy Burke, the assistant medical director of PPAU. “The vaccine only vaccinates against

‘QSaltLake’ seeking interns

Call 801-649-6663 ext. 1 today!

QSaltLake is accepting applications for its Spring 2012 Internship Program. The internship is intended for school credit and professional experience. Participants will not be errand-people and will be expected to complete regular writing assignments and other newsroom tasks.

Applicants do not have to be journalism students, although it is beneficial to have interest in queer and independent news. Students will be involved in every step of production, from pitching a story to the final completion of the newspaper.

Knowledge of multimedia projects, such as video, social media and podcast is beneficial, but not necessary.

Two interns will be selected to work in QSaltLake’s Sugar House office, conveniently located near the University of Utah, Westminster College and I-80. Office and working hours will be determined by the student, the supervisor and the stories, but should range between 10 and 20 hours per week. The assignments will range from indepth investigative reporting to features and entertainment.

The internship begins Jan. 9 and ends April 18. To apply, please email a cover letter, resume and references to editor@ qsaltlake.com. Prospective candidates will be contacted for an interview. Please no phone calls.

ters Swim Meet on Nov. 11-12. The events are divided by age group and relay teams are determined by the age of the youngest member of the team.

QUAC participates in other swim meets and water polo games throughout the year, including the Gay Games and their own QUAC Ski-N-Swim event. The meets are competitive, fun and open to everyone, regardless of experience or speed.

“Everyone is invited to come out and join us. The environment is very open and friendly. We encourage everyone to come have a nice workout and make some new friends,” Jendrisek said.

For more information about how to get involved or for a practice schedule, go to quacquac.org.

four of 108 different types of the HPV virus.

But they are some of the most common and can lead to cervical, vulvar, penile and anal cancers,” Burke said.

HPV is spread through contact and usually infects the genital, anal and mouth areas. Most men who are infected never show any symptoms, and the strains of HPV that are associated with warts are not always associated with cancer. Men are infected with HPV by genital contact and it can be passed during oral sex as well as anal and other forms of contact.

Each year in the U.S. there are 400 men who get HPV-associated penile cancer, 1,500 men who get HPV-associated anal cancer and 5,600 men who get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (throat cancers).

Because the recommendation by the CDC is so recent, there are no financial aid programs established by the maker of the vaccine for young men. However, many health insurers will cover the vaccination. Q

Planned Parenthood provides low-cost and payment plans for the vaccine. For more information, or to schedule an appointment, go to PlannedParenthood.org.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

The Utah Pride Center is hosting the International Transgender Day of Remembrance on Sunday, Nov. 20 at 6 p.m. at the First Methodist Church. The event is a memorial for transgender community members who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. Members of all faiths and beliefs are invited to participate.

More information is available at the Utah Pride Center website.

The Transgender Awareness efforts of the Center aim to increase understanding of transgender people, who are often misrepresented, Center officials said in a press statement.

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

NEWS

11

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snaps & slaps SLAP: Voter bribery The anti-gay National Organization for Marriage is offering the chance to win $100 Visa gift cards for Minnesota voters who pledge to cast their ballots banning same-sex marriage in the state. The form, which is sponsored by the Minnesota branch of NOM, Minnesota for Marriage, passed the legal litmus test because it’s not technically buying votes, but buying pledges to vote. There are state and federal statutes that prohibit the purchase of votes for candidates or initiatives, but because it’s a raffle before the election, it is technically legal.

from the editor Faith over freedom

By Seth Bracken

s my lips wrapped around the cold, hard steel, my world came to an almost immediate halt. As everything moved unbelievably slowly, all I could think about is how remarkably real the gun looked. There was no doubt in my mind that if I moved a muscle my assailant would pull the trigger and the contents of my head would be emptied onto the street.

It was my first time being mugged, but even in Buenos Aires where muggings are common among Mormon missionaries, it never got easier.

“Take off your coat. Do it slowly,” the short, skinny man with the gun said. I could feel the gun start to shake in my mouth. He was as nervous as I was.

As I began to remove the coat, I made eye contact with the man for the briefest second. That earned me a knee to the groin.

As I doubled over in pain he pounded the gun on the back of my head.

“Don’t you look at me, you pathetic bitch!” He shouted as people walked to the other side of the street to avoid contact

with either one of us.

As I got back on my knees, still reeling from the blow to my head, he reached in all my pockets and pulled out the contents: a simple watch with no wristband, my bus fare and a pen. With one last kick to my gut, for good measure, I suppose, he calmly walked away.

Rolling over to my side, I could see my companion fared no better. His nose still bleeding from the two solid punches to his face left his face looking like hamburger.

After what would be the first of many attacks, I walked the mile or so back to my apartment, trembling.

As is customary for Mormon missionaries who are robbed and beaten, I called my mission president and recounted the story.

“Isn’t God wonderful? I am so glad you are so righteous that he would protect you in that situation,” the mission president gushed.

“No, maybe you didn’t hear. I got robbed and beat up. My companion is in the bathroom retching from fear and I can’t see

straight. God didn’t protect me at all. I almost died,” I responded, angrily. “If that’s God’s form of protection and blessing, I don’t want it.”

“But he didn’t let you die, and that’s worth something,” the president tried to sound wise.

“What a scam!” I thought to myself. If God can’t do better than that, I need a refund on my faith.

The next two years can only be described as tumultuous and through many factors, I formed my own spiritual identity. Call it atheism, call it agnosticism, call it whatever you’d like, but like all spiritual matters, the opinion is mine to form. But the U.S. government doesn’t seem to agree with me.

In an unheralded and unopposed decision, the House of Representatives, in a 369–9 vote, passed a resolution reaffirming the 1956 bill that made, ‘In God we Trust’ the United States official national motto.

The new saying replaced E pluribus unum — out of many, one.

Who I love and my spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, are the two most personal decisions I’ve made that have no affect on anyone else. And rather than focusing on a failing economy, our nation’s representatives, including the Utah delegation, felt it was more important to ensure that, as an American citizen, my motto contains a religious reference that I personally find ridiculous. If I learned anything from my two-year sabbatical as a Mormon preacher, it’s that I don’t trust in God. Q

SNAP: University proactively responds to anti-gay vandalism After homophobic and racist words were spray-painted on six fraternity houses at Wake Forest University, the campus police, fraternity members and students responded with swift and positive actions. In what could have been an ugly episode for the school, a solidarity stand-in was organized and community meetings were held to discuss the incident.

Fraternity leaders issued statements condemning the language and actions. While no suspects have been named, the university has used the opportunity to bring together multicultural groups, fraternities, students and queer student organizations.

SNAP: Fighting homophobia in Iran A United Nations Human Rights Committee issued a report that has legal weight in the international community detailing rights violations by the Iranian government against its queer citizens. Iran is one of the few countries where homosexuality is punishable by death, and institutionalized homophobia and transphobia allow for discrimination in workplaces and housing. The report is an extensive look into the treatment of homosexuals in the country and demands that Iran respond to the allegations with documented proof of progress by 2014.

QSALTLAKE.COM

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

the straight line ‘Deseret News’ bigotry

By Bob Henline

n my last column I discussed the Midvale City Council District 3 race between Alan Anderson and Paul Hunt. This race has garnered quite a bit of media attention over the past few weeks, primarily due to the recent exposure of Paul Hunt as a criminal. Hunt pleaded guilty to misappropriating funds from his previous employer, a plea bargain that reduced the felony charge to a misdemeanor and included two years of probation, suspended jail time and more than $30,000 in restitution. In the six months since the sentence, he’s managed to repay about $200, according to Fox 13.

This story has been picked up by The Salt Lake Tribune, Fox 13 News, Deseret News, and our own QSaltLake. KSL has also picked up their sister company’s story on their website. The Deseret News/

‘For Alan C. Anderson, the other candidate in the race, the potential liability is being gay’ KSL story is the one that has earned my ire this week. The story turns what, in my opinion, is a legitimate question regarding the trustworthiness of a would-be public official into a question of voter tolerance. “The winner in the upcoming City Council race in Midvale’s District 3 may be based on how tolerant voters are of each candidate’s background.”

The story explains Hunt’s plea and conviction and then inserts this little gem: “For Alan C. Anderson, the other candidate in the race, the potential liability is being gay.”

I understand that the world (and Utah) is full of close-minded bigots and that regardless of how much we try to open their eyes, there will always be people walking around with their heads lodged firmly up their asses. While I should probably not be surprised, the tone of the Deseret News piece left me shocked.

How can a “mainstream” news publication compare a criminal conviction to sexual orientation? Yes, Alan Anderson is gay. Big deal. He’s also a man that has spent the greater part of his life in service to his community and his fellow human beings.

Paul Hunt stole money from his former employer. The initial charge was for more than $130,000 but his plea bargain settled it to $31,000. Yet in the eyes of Deseret News

these are worthy comparisons to draw. Alan Anderson’s orientation is not a choice; it’s the way he was born. Paul Hunt made the choice to steal — and he got caught. How are these, in any way, related?

It seems to me that our media outlets have a responsibility that Deseret News has chosen to ignore, a responsibility to provide fair and accurate reporting of issues. There is no “issue” with Alan Anderson being a gay man. It has no relevance in the context of this election, and it certainly doesn’t warrant a comparison to deliberate criminal activity. Yet, here they are, attempting to create a story of the gay versus the criminal.

Is this just some weak attempt to sell papers or do the editors and publishers

mountain meadow mascara Flaming bagels of death

S

By Ruby Ridge

o, darlings, a few mornings ago at the Bunker du Glamour, I had just put a cinnamon-sugar bagel in the toaster when the phone rang in my office. The call lasted only a few minutes but all of a sudden the smoke detectors started going off and the house was filling with smoke.

My innocent, little breakfast nosh had turned into a flaming bagel of death and was trying to set my kitchen cabinets on fire! Not exactly a pleasant way to start the morning, I must tell you.

What I didn’t realize was that there was so much sugar in the bagel topping that as it heated, it started spitting out crackling, flaming globs of sugary napalm all over the counter. Seriously, pumpkins, between the smoke, the smell and the sticky, burning crap everywhere, my kitchen was just one rice paddy shy of a Vietcong village! I smothered the toaster and stomped out the little, burning globs on the floor.

(Thank god I was wearing shoes and thank goodness I’m replacing the kitchen floor this winter.) I tell you, I was traumatized, cherubs, traumatized! I just know I’m going to get PTSD panic attacks whenever I go past the airport Cinnabon.

As if that wasn’t enough of a near-death experience, QSaltLake’s Fun Bus to Wendover blew its front right side tire as we passed Lake Point. Of course I was standing up with the microphone hosting the trip, directly over the wheel cover when it happened. Thankfully, our plucky little bus driver navigated the vehicle over to the side of the road, which was amazing

13

of Deseret News actually believe that being homosexual is on the same level as stealing? Regardless of the motivation, the manner in which this story was presented by Deseret News, and then by KSL, is completely inappropriate. Perhaps it’s time for these media outlets to get out of the news business and pursue their primary focus: LDS Church public relations.

By the time you read this, the election will have been decided by the voters of Midvale. We can hope that the electorate shows more sense than the news media and elects an honest man to represent them on Midvale’s City Council. In the meantime, I’m boycotting KSL and Deseret News. Damn, I’m going to miss those classifieds! Q

fundraisers for years and yet he has never won a prize. Well, good things come to those who wait, bunnies, because on the bus he won a lovely Park City hotel stay, show and restaurant prize package, so I never have to hear him whining that he is “always a spinner, but never a winner” again!

I survived my bus and bagel ordeals just in time for Halloween weekend and a few because as we found out later, parts of mandatory house parties. In retrospect, the shredded tire had lodged between the I should have gone dressed as a flaming wheel and the drums and had taken out the queen, but then again that’s my idea of a brakes. His calmness and professionalism casual Friday, so I decided I needed somewere amazing, petals, because if I was in thing a little more festive. Technically, I that situation, I would have been screamwas dressed as Friar Tuck but wherever we went, random dogs and pets seemed to end up on my lap, so I changed my theme mid-evening into “Saint Francis of a Sissy.”

I could have gone dressed as a priest, but seriously, who wants to drag around a roofied alter boy all night, just to look authentic? I can barely keep track of my car keys!

Anyhow, I went to my first lesbian Halloween party, which was a hoot. Naturally it was in the Sugar House bungalow belt and there were members of the lesbian rugby team. The girls had a great party mix on shuffle and despite being packed like sardines they were dancing up a storm. I spent half the night trying to remember some of the cool retro songs so I could download them off iTunes but by the next day all I could remember was “Super Freak” by Rick James, which despite being misogynistic, sexist and crude makes a surprising amount of sense at a lesbian ing like a 10-year-old Japanese schoolgirl dance party. Maybe they will play it again at my first lesbian Christmas party? Hint, and praying for Jesus to take the wheel!

Our riders had not consumed too much hint.

Ciao, babies! Q alcohol at that point so we were able to make an orderly transition onto another You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of bus and we continued on our merry way to Mayhem in all of their polyester glory, every Wendover, unfazed. Oh, and while I think third Friday of the month at Third Friday Bingo about it, our good friend, Gene (from Club at 7 p.m. (First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 Try-Angles) has supported our bingo and East).

Between the smoke, the smell and the sticky, burning crap everywhere, my kitchen was just one rice paddy shy of a Vietcong village!

14 VIEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

living in QUtah LDS Church needs not change doctrine, just attitude

D

By John Hales

ear LDS Bishop Kevin Kloosterman, apology accepted.

I felt true sincerity in the words you spoke last weekend at the “Circling the Wagons” conference, held to “create space where [Mormon] LGBTQ or SSA individuals and their families and allies can gather to acknowledge, explore and honor shared experiences.”

I was very touched when you said, “I’m sorry. Deeply, deeply sorry,” for the pain en-

dured by Utah and/or Mormon LGBTQ persons. It was refreshing, if also somewhat surprising, to hear you acknowledge that much of that pain had been caused by reactions and responses to LGBT people from the LDS church and its members.

It takes a mature, sophisticated understanding of LDS doctrine to reach the place you’ve reached. You understand.

LDS founder Joseph Smith said in 1843, “If it has been demonstrated that I have

Lookin’ out fer ya in the audience of

Sister Dottie S. Dixon’s

Hilarious Holiday HullabaloO

Saturday 10 December 2011 8-11 pm Shepherd Union Ballroom Weber State University

a fundraiser for Ogden OUTreach Resource Center

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been willing to die for a Mormon, I am bold to declare before heaven that I am just as ready to die in defending the rights of a Presbyterian, a Baptist, or a good man of any other denomination; for the same principle which would trample upon the rights of the Latter-day Saints would trample upon the rights of the Roman Catholics, or of any other denomination.”

Basically, Joseph Smith said he would defend the right of a person to live according to their belief and conscience even though he himself felt their belief was wrong.

That’s tough to do, but I think you get it.

So do I. That’s why I stand up for the right of the church to believe what it wants to. Any principle that would trample upon the rights of the church is quite similar to the one trampling now upon the rights of LGBT people.

I may be out of step with many in the

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LGBT community who would like to see a change in LDS doctrine regarding homosexuality. As a religion, I think the church has the right to its own doctrine.

But the church should be mindful of how its declarations or exhortations about that doctrine affect others.

You told journalist Joanna Brooks on ReligionDispatches.org, “The leadership of the LDS Church has taken a lot of steps forward. ... I think it’s fair to say that some of the LDS membership has not completely caught up to where the leadership is now.”

True. We’re seeing positive signs. But one of the reasons for the lag is because church leadership hasn’t necessarily gone out of its way to rectify mistakes of the past.

For instance, Boyd K. Packer, next in line as president of the church, spoke about same-sex attraction last year, refuting that such “tendencies” were inborn. “Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone,” he asked.

In an official report of Elder Packer’s speech, the church omitted that question.

Maybe that was a step in the right direction.

Perhaps the church realized how unempathetic, offensive and painful that question was to people who wrestle with devotion to their church on one hand, and the realization of who they are on the other.

Such people are ultimately faced with the question: “Well, if God didn’t do this to me, then who did? Because I sure didn’t do it to myself,” (something too many straight people just don’t understand).

LDS Church spokesman Scott Trotter later said that the edit “clarified” Elder Packer’s intent. But without further explanation about the emendation or the “intent,” there’s really no clarification at all because, let’s face it, everyone knew what Elder Packer really said.

There’s a similar issue with remarks Elder Packer made in 1976, in what became a pamphlet entitled “To Young Men Only.”

In the speech/pamphlet, Elder Packer recalls a conversation with a missionary who beat up his companion because his companion was gay, and, we are only left to assume, had made an unwelcome advance.

Elder Packer replied to the young man, “Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn’t be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way.”

To my knowledge, that pamphlet — casting violence toward gays in jocular light and from someone with high rank and official position — is still published and disseminated by the church.

But, Bishop Kloosterman, knowing there are people like you out there is comforting.

People who know that “sticks and stones might break my bones, but some words even worse can hurt me” are important — on both sides — if any progress is to be made toward mutual understanding. Q A video and transcript of Bishop Kloosterman’s talk can be found at mormonstories.org

QSALTLAKE.COM

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VIEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

who’s your daddy?

He’s the man

MUTINY INK STUDIO Don R. Austin, LCSW More Deluxe an Ever Before • INDIVIDUALS • COUPLES • CHRONIC DISEASE • GAY ISSUES • HIV/AIDS • ADULT MALE SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE

By Christopher Katis

E

verybody who has ever lived in San Francisco has at least one story about an adventure on the city’s public transit. I, of course, have tons — many of them feature an inebriated copassenger. For example, there’s the time a drunken octogenarian passed out in the seat next me, woke up, and made a clumsy and very unwanted pass at me. Then there was the time that a guy reeking of cheap booze got into a verbal altercation with the African American bus driver, calling him the “n-word” as he tried to exit, only to discover it’s the driver who controls the doors.

One afternoon three middle school kids got on the bus in front of the Jewish Community Center. The two girls sat together, and the boy sat with me. The girls chatted, while the boy pretended not to be interested in them. It was warm out and he had on shorts. Out of nowhere, one of the girls asked him why his legs were so hairy.

He looked at them and said it was because he was a man. The girls busted up laughing. Pointing at me, one of them said, “He’s a man, you’re a boy.” Ouch.

I think that kid took his bar mitzvah a little too seriously.

As the father of sons, what it means to be a man is a topic that’s always on my mind – especially since I’m a gay man.

Actually what it means to be a man has been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t know, maybe it’s the all the attention Chaz Bono got from being on Dancing with the Stars.

When this season’s list of contestants was announced, the show’s comment board was loaded with nasty, mean-spirited remarks.

And although I don’t actually watch that program, I did get to see Bono dance once.

He sure looks like a dude to me. For that matter, he dances like one too ... at least like all the other middle-aged, white, straight guys I’ve seen dance.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have this young friend, Marty, whom I know through his Aunt Cassie. Marty’s in college now; he’s a bright kid, sweet, just a nice young man. But he has an alter ego: DeLorean Davenport.

I began to notice that a lot of the photos Marty had on his Facebook page were of him looking increasingly feminine. In some of them he was even in full drag.

Those were pictures of DeLorean.

Honestly, I didn’t understand it.

I’m almost ashamed to say this: When I saw those photos I thought to myself, “How the hell am I supposed to teach my boys that gay men act and look just like straight men, if this is an example?”

Whoa! Where’d that internal homophobia come from?

Luckily, I smacked myself upside the head and set myself, er, “straight.”

I reached out to Marty and asked him what pleasure he got from it. I learned that DeLorean makes him feel like a star. She’s the extraordinary to Marty’s ordinary. And from Cassie I learned that his parents support it unwaveringly.

That made me think: How would I react if one of my boys found his shining star in makeup, wigs and heels?

I’ve always taught the boys that being a man means you stand by your word, that you’re reliable, you’re honest, you have integrity and you stand up for others. I’ve never said anything about what a man is “supposed” to look like.

Thank God Marty and DeLorean helped remind me of that.

Now when the boys see a man who is more traditionally feminine looking, rather than ignore their typical comment that he looks like a girl (or a more traditionally masculine looking woman, she looks like a boy), I take it as an opportunity to educate them. I remind them that there are all types of people, and we celebrate them exactly as they are. That’s what a man does — celebrates people simply for who they are.

This Thanksgiving season, I want to thank Marty for reminding me of that. I want to thank him for helping me be an example to my kids of the type of man I want them to be: one who celebrates people just as they are. As far as I’m concerned, no matter how he’s dressed, Marty is the man.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everybody! Q

That made me think: How would I react if one of my boys found his shining star in makeup, wigs and heels?

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n June of 1989 I made a pilgrimage to New York City to place a rose on the steps of the Stonewall Inn. It was the 20th anniversary of an event which was the catalyst for a paradigm shift in what it meant to be homosexual. Once there, I discovered that the nondescript brick building across the street from Sheridan Square was now a clothing boutique catering to a Doc Martin crowd of young Manhattanites. The famous Stonewall marquee had long been removed and Christopher Street was still several years from being renamed Stonewall Place.

However, for the anniversary, a group called The Radical Faeries had rented out the basement of the boutique for a celebration of “10,000 years, More or Less, of Queer History in Ten Minutes.” The Faeries proceeded to take adventurous souls through a cavernous maze depicting a time line of gay events.

There were depictions of queer cavemen drawing on cave walls while humping each other, and queer Greeks walking around in skimpy togas, wearing elaborate Corinthian pillar cap stones as head dresses. From there, we witnessed the “burning times,” when queer men were used as faggots by Christians to burn the witches.

Happily, the next time warp was to 1969, where scantily dressed go-go boys did the shimmy in our dark, queer bars. All of a sudden, mock police, wearing pig masks, arrived to arrest us, but we were all given yellow foam bricks which we gleefully tossed back at the “pigs” while chanting “gay power!”

As we left the guided tour of queer history, we passed by a shrine consisting of lipstick and fingernail polish, back-lit with multicolored candles placed on the coffin of Judy Garland. As we exited, faerie dust sprinkled down upon us as we sang “Some Where Over the Rainbow.” It was intense!

Prior to late 19th century, there was no legal words for same-sex activity beyond buggery, sodomy and crime against nature.

Society made it difficult for single people

to have privacy. It was rare, and in some cases illegal, for single men and women to live alone. In agrarian societies single people were housed in homes of married relatives or caretakers.

Within enlightened but staid urban communities, such as Boston, single working women could live together without benefit of marriage to a man. These arrangements were called Boston Marriages. But were they lesbian relationships?

While same-sex activity was difficult, same-sex affection was more freely expressed in the pre-industrialized Western World. Men commonly slept together with arms embraced, kissed and publicly held each other. Women kissed and pecked at each other without raising an eyebrow.

Public bath houses and boarding establishments were also conducive to a certain forced intimacy.

In 1869, Hungarian Karl Maria Kertbeny published an anonymous pamphlet calling for the repeal of sodomy laws in Germany. A second pamphlet on the same subject followed, in which he argued that the penal code violated the “rights of man.” He purported the classic liberal argument that consensual sex acts in private should not be subject to criminal law.

Kertbeny also championed that same-sex attraction was “inborn and unchangeable,” which eventually became the “medical model” in the emerging psychology movement of Austria.

That same year, the first known person to declare that his “same-sex attraction” was his identity and not just a behavior was Karl Heinrich Ulrich, a German contemporary of Kertbeny. The men corresponded extensively; however, before Kertbeny’s death, he tried to destroy all documents which suggested that he was a homosexual and slipped back into the closet. Not so with Ulrich.

In 1867, while speaking to a conference of jurists in Munich, Ulrich declared he was a Uranian and became the first-known person in modern times to describe himself as

The Faeries proceeded to take adventurous souls through a cavernous maze depicting a time line of gay events

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ISSUE 193

VIEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

ea what we know to be a gay man. n The term Uranian was first introduced eby Ulrich in 1863 in a pamphlet in which he dattempted to explain, in scientific terms, the nature of same-sex love to the legal communities. Ulrich estimated that one in 500 Germans was a Uranian. He derived -the term Uranian to describe a gay man from passages taken from Plato’s Sympo-sium, in which the ancient Greek philosopher stated that the Goddess Urania was the deity who watched over the “heavenly xemotion” of same-sex love.

Ulrich’s hypothesis of the origins of nhomosexuality is antiquated by today’s -views. He felt that only a female psyche -or soul could be attracted to a male body, therefore, Uranian males constituted a -“third sex” of female souls in male bodies.

In 1869 Ulrich championed the rights of ,Uranians in a document titled “Bylaws for ythe Uranian Union,” in which he proposed -to “bring Uranians out of their previous disolation and unite them into a compact mass, bound together by solidarity.” The .bylaws went on to suggest that the union should “champion the inborn rights of -Uranians before the law” and defined a further goal “to create a Uranian literature.” n There is no evidence that the Uranian Union was ever formed but other articles nand pamphlets followed. Unfortunately for yUlrich, he was 100 years before his time.

-Few other scholars of the period were even -discussing the subject of same-sex attraction, much less trying to do so from a perspective free of prejudice.

Ulrich was violently opposed by the legal and medical establishments of his time.

-Ultimately he was even forced to leave Germany and settled in Italy where he spent xhis last years and died in 1895.

In the contest of etymology, closeted -Kertbeny’s terminology won out over openly gay Ulrich’s Uranian, which has not endured. Although, in 1916, when the New York Times first used a word to refer ”to same-sex activity, Uranian was chosen.

-Eventually, it was the medical communnity which determined the ascendance -of homosexuality over Uranian. The term homosexual was adopted to describe a pathological behavior while Uranian with its positive affirmation was rejected.

In 1993 when I gathered several community members together to create a gay fmen’s community paper, The Pillar, as ediator I chose Uranian Publishers as the name -of our business. I’m not sure anyone got it. sNot the paper, the joke. Q

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

thinking outloud Why My Marriage Matters

by Abby Dees

t’s my wedding anniversary today and I’m 6000 miles away from my partner, sitting in an English café. Being all alone and so far away is making me especially wistful about these last three years since we were legally married in California.

I had to be cajoled into getting married. Not the commitment and love thing – I was clear on that – I balked at marriage itself. First, I had to tease out my motivations: was it the

universal human urge to engage in an ancient rite or was it the sudden excitement around this new opportunity? Even though we got “equal” marriage rights in California, it was still so different for us.

Most straight people will never know what it’s like to have spent their lives being excluded from full marriage, then to have that change instantly one day – and then to learn within days that marriage might be snatched

away again if you don’t marry before election day. Oh, this was definitely not like traditional marriage.

The other issue I faced was whether I even supported this institution to begin with. Unlike my partner, who is a old-fashioned Midwestern gal, I grew up a counterculture hippy child in L.A. – very Birkenstocks and rainbow toe socks. Even before I knew I was a lesbian, the idea of a virginal white dress and a ken doll husband at the alter made no conceptual sense. My childhood fantasy husband was a fellow Peace Corps doctor, sharing a tent with me in Africa while we saved the world together. Later, when I became a politically minded lesbian, I most definitely couldn’t get behind any ritual that involved someone being given away. Ick. But fantasy always cedes to reality, and the

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universe must have had a good chuckle as I tried to explain all this to my common-sensical girlfriend. To her, marriage was marriage.

If you don’t want the white dress, don’t wear one. Do you want to get married or not?

In a nice turn, my old politics helped me say yes in the end. I decided that my marriage would not be dictated by anyone else’s history or tradition. We would, by our very choice to marry, make it our own. It meant – of course as it should mean for anyone – that I wanted to declare Traci as my family. I also knew that marriage meant something to her that no amount of political lip-flapping from me would change.

That probably should have been enough for me, but I’m pig-headed this way.

We married just before the November election, which then put the whole thing in limbo, and my attitudes shifted almost instantly about this complicated institution. When I finally said “I do,” I was in – fully and deeply.

I was now ready to beat up anyone who was going to take my marriage away and leave us the decidedly less resonant “domestic partnership” as a consolation prize. I really did have the feeling that in marrying the woman I loved, and despite myself, I’d fallen into a fundamentally human state, one that far precedes the bizarre economic aspects of marriage, or all those questionable gender ideas it’s been laden with along the way.

So what does marriage really mean versus domestic partnership? In California there is almost no difference under the law (other places are different). Then it just comes down to a name, I’m told — which is what the other side has argued in court repeatedly, as if to say, “What are you complaining about? You’ve got it all except for the silly issue of a name.” My response to the anti-same-sex marriage folks is, “Good, then, you try domestic partnership on for size.” I must also point out that separate-but-equal is officially not an American operating principle, as declared by the Supreme Court in 1954, thank you very much.

Now let me put the politics and law aside for a moment. The deal is that it matters to step into something that humans have been doing since they learned to use words. It matters that when I say we’re married to someone I meet they know exactly what that means on an emotional, familial level, even if the legal stuff is head-spinningly confusing right now.

It matters that marriage is the highest public bond between two people that we know of, and that my partner and I have declared, to our family, friends, and – courtesy of the county registrar – to our community, that we, joyfully and with full awareness of its obligations, have entered this bond with each other.

Take that, domestic partnership.

Three years in, my marriage is strong and becomes more beautiful every day. We have our spats, our weight gain (why, why, why?), our cats and dogs (we’re lesbians after all), but as I sit here today, so far from my home, there is only one thing I want: for my beloved to be here, with me. Marriage is not a prerequisite for this desire, but it still means more to me than I ever understood before.

Abby is a civil rights attorney-author who has been in LGBT rights for over 25 years. Reach her at queerquestionsstraighttalk.com.

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ISSUE 193

VIEWS

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

creep of the week Linda Harvey

By D’Anne Witkowski

S

o, your son falls off the monkey bars, shattering a kneecap and busting out some teeth. He’s screaming in pain, blood all over his face, and you’re trying to calm him down on the ambulance ride to the hospital saying, “It’s OK, you’re going to be OK,” while trying to keep terror out of your voice. When you get to the hospital your son is whisked away on a stretcher to be seen by an ER doctor.

Sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? No, not the child-getting-seriously-injured thing.

I mean, come on, accidents happen and in this fictitious scenario he’s going to be sore, on crutches for a little while and looking like a jack-o’-lantern until his adult front teeth come in, but fine. No, the nightmare is the fact that the paramedics, x-ray technicians, nurses and doctors who care for your son could be “known homosexuals.”

A terrifying thought.

Granted, a health care provider’s sexual orientation probably isn’t the first thing on a parent’s mind when their child is sick or injured. Thankfully, Linda Harvey of Mission America reminds us what’s important when it comes to child health and welfare.

During her Oct. 18 radio show Harvey warned parents about the dangers of gay and lesbian caretakers. “How do you feel about open homosexuals tending to your child in a health care setting? Do you think these folks provide good role-modeling at a time when your child is very vulnerable?” she asks, adding that her concern stems from the gay and lesbian employee group at Children’s Hospital in Columbus.

Harvey was stunned to learn that the group had done some scandalous things. According to Harvey, “they participated in last June’s gay pride parade (and) in a health expo on adolescent health this summer, and that they’re concerned about same-sex partner benefits.

They’re also planning to be identified with rainbow lapel pins.”

That’s right, rainbow lapel pins, which means “open homosexuals.”

“Let’s say your 11-year-old has broken her leg rather badly and needs to be in the hospital a few days, which would you prefer: a nurse who’s proud of her lesbianism, who has rainbow identifiers on her work clothing, or a nurse who does not?” Harvey asks, knowing that any sane and loving parent would rather

take their chances at home with some pliers and duct tape than subject their child to a lesbianism-flaunting nurse.

Harvey continues, “If you want your children to admire people who proclaim a homosexual lifestyle, they’re involvement with your child during a hospital stay is sure to be an influence.”

That’s right, parents. One day you’re telling little Billy how dangerous and sinister homosexuals are and the next day he’s in traction and a nice lesbian is bringing him Popsicles and a gay doctor is responsible for the fact that he’ll walk again. That’s just not fair to Billy. Better that he never know that kind, helpful, professional gay people exist at all.

Not that Harvey is trying to denigrate gay and lesbian health professionals. “Let me be clear that folks involved in these behaviors can be certainly competent workers,” she says, “but they are tacking onto their workplace identity one that is highly offensive to many people and can be erroneously influential to children who won’t, or shouldn’t, see

the whole picture of how this behavior really manifests itself.”

Got it? If the lesbian nurse could just, say, show children a video of herself having lesbian sex and going to hell then they would get the full perspective. But Harvey would object to that, too.

Harvey’s advice to parents: “You may want to consider writing a letter that you file with your pediatrician that should your child ever be hospitalized, you do not want your child to be treated or cared for by (gay employees) except in the case of an emergency situation,” she says.

If Harvey were really serious she’d drop the “emergency situation” exception. But then again, no decent parent will stand to watch a child suffer or let a child die in the name of shielding him or her from nefarious homosexual influence. And no decent doctor or nurse of any sexual orientation is going to let a child suffer or die just because he or she has anti-gay nuts for parents. Q

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

20 FEATURE

Immigration inequality hitting gay Utah couples

By Seth Bracken

Quite simply, Ben Anders feels like he is being exiled.

The Salt Lake City resident and Coast Guard veteran can’t marry his partner, Mattia Lumaca, who is originally from Italy, forcing Lumaca back to his native country after more than four years. Anders can’t live without the love of his life, so he’s leaving family and friends to go to a foreign country without being able to speak the language or any way of supporting himself.

“I hate it. If we were a straight couple, we’d get married and we’d have nothing to worry about,” Anders said. “I’m being forced out of the country I love, the country I fought for, because I am in love with a man.”

Anders, also known as Bunny with the Utah Cyber Sluts comedy drag troupe, met Lumaca while he was visiting the U.S. on a ski trip. The two hit it off immediately and Lumaca eventually moved to Utah on a student visa that would allow him to study, but not work. Lumaca already had an education and a very successful career.

“I always thought everything would work out. I couldn’t stand the idea of not being with him, so I came over,” Lumaca said.

In addition to attending class at Salt Lake Community College, Lumaca cares for Anders, who has severe heart problems. But because Lumaca cannot legally work, the money is running out and he can’t afford to go to school anymore. Since he is not registered for the spring semester he will lose his visa in January.

“I can’t be here illegally. That’s just not who I am. I can’t break the law. But I can’t afford to keep going to school without working and I’ve tried everything else. I am being forced out of the country and Ben is being forced out with me,” Lumaca said.

If Lumaca were to stay in the country illegally, Anders would be violating a new Utah law that prohibits the harboring of an undocumented immigrant and he could face prosecution for allowing his partner to live with him.

“I can’t imagine life without him. I’m terrified to leave my home. But I can’t live without him. He saved my life. I can’t be without him,” Anders said.

“If we were straight, the problem would’ve been solved with the signing of the marriage papers. But because we’re gay, we’re treated differently ... I just wish people could see that we love each other and deserve the same respect straight people have.”

While there are some temporary solutions for some couples, there are no permanent solutions for Anders and Lumaca, said Steve Ralls, the communications director at Immigration Equality.

“LGBT families are still not recognized as families for federal immigration purposes. LGBT Americans who have partners from abroad have no legal recourse for keeping their families together,” Ralls said.

The anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act, which prohibits the federal government from recognizing gay marriage, is being challenged in the federal court, but the process could take years, Ralls said.

In the meantime, gay couples are trying to find solutions, some of them illegal.

Mixed Marriages Rhonda Morales and Juan Martinez (names have been changed) are much like other young, married couples in Salt Lake City. The pair have two Yorkshire terriers that occupy most of their time and they enjoy going out with friends and watching old movies, such as My Fair Lady, Gypsy, and A Chorus Line.

“It was actually his love for musicals and his impeccable taste in clothing that first tipped me off that Juan was gay,” Morales said. “He had just finished a Mormon mission, so he denied it, but I tried to nudge him out of the closet.”

Martinez is originally from Argentina and served a two-year mission for the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City.

“I loved it here so much I knew I had to stay here for the rest of my life. I love Argentina, but I couldn’t go back,” Martinez said. “I don’t have any close family in Argentina anymore. I didn’t want to go back to be alone.”

He returned to the U.S. two weeks after he finished his mission and began studying to be an accountant at the University of Utah. After he dropped out of school because he could no longer afford tuition, he was facing deportation.

“It was such a circus. I was applying for citizenship, green cards, whatever I could do to stay in the country. I was granted a temporary work visa, but it was going to expire and I would be faced with the same fight again. And that’s where Rhonda came in,” Martinez said.

The two began dating after one of Martinez’s former mission companions introduced them at a house party.

“It took about two dates for me to realize he was gay and it took about two more for him to admit it,” she said. “Seeing him so stressed about his situation, fighting to stay in the country just about broke my heart. I decided to do what I could to help.”

In June 2010, the weekend after Pride, without fanfare and without any family members or friends present, the two signed the documents to become a married couple and rented an apartment.

Martinez applied for a resident alien card and after two years of marriage, in 2012, he can become a permanent resident.

“Technically, what we’re doing is fraud. It’s illegal and if we’re found out, we could both be in a lot of trouble,” Martinez said. “But marrying

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Rhonda was my last chance. Even if I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and we got married in Massachusetts, I could still be deported. The system is completely unfair.”

Being discovered is a constant worry for Martinez and Morales and staying abreast of all the policies and procedures, both on the federal and state levels, is an almost daily task.

In a recent reversal of procedure, the Obama administration announced deportations would be viewed on a case-by-case basis with a focus on deporting criminals. In 2010 more than 400,000 people were deported and even with the new policies, Homeland Security officials and other departments have discretion with who can be forced out of the country. There are more than 300,000 immigration cases that are pending and while the written policy is that people without a criminal past be low priority, the implementation of that policy is not always perfect.

“There is a real danger that gay couples and families are facing right now,” Ralls said. “This should be a very large concern for everyone with a heart, not just those involved in a bi-national relationship.”

Whether it’s discrimination from immigration officials or the inability to have marriage recognized by the federal government, gay couples face higher levels of difficulty, Ralls said.

Alejandra’s Choice For Alejandra Gonzalez, a 24-year-old Latina who identifies as bisexual, but tends to be more interested in women, the immigration policy affects her every day.

“I came here when I was three years old. My family is originally from Mexico, but I’ve never left the country since I got here. And if I am found out, they would send me to a country that is supposedly my home that I’ve never been to,” Gonzalez said.

Despite being more attracted to women, she’s chosen to date men because she sees a better future for herself with a man.

“I could get married to him and apply for citizenship,” Gonzalez said. “I’ve gone through every other possibility and tried everything else. I don’t know what else to do. But I worry that I would be marrying him for the citizenship and not because I love him.”

Whatever the situation may be, there’s inequality that is often ignored by elected officials, Ralls said.

Letting Congressional representatives and the Obama administration know that a more fair immigration policy is important is one of the first steps everyone can take, Ralls said. There are policies the Obama administration could enact without Congressional approval that would help bi-national couples, such as putting green card statuses on hold until a better marriage process is solidified.

“We need people to let our elected officials know that this is an issue that is affecting everyone,” Ralls said. “Call them. Email them. Facebook them. Do whatever it takes to make sure no more couple are broken up by the unjust policies.” Q

For more information about how to contact elected representatives, go to immigrationequalityactionfund.org.

-

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

FEATURE

21

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

22 FEATURE

Sophie’s Choice: One MTF’s journey

By Tony Hobday

B

orn a male, or more appropriately, born in a male body, Sophia “Sophie” Jean Featherwind felt disconnected physiologically at a young age. Named Robert, after her father, Sophie says in her memoir, Freeing Hummingbirds: How I Learned to Embrace Myself, that one of the most difficult things a transgender individual struggles with is his or her name. “The names we are born with correspond to our birth gender and cannot be used in today’s rigid society. ...” The selfpublished book traces Sophie’s transitioning from 2007 to 2010; she incorporates childhood difficulties, a marriage to a woman and their two children in an enlightening and poetic memoir.

Sophie says she began writing as a therapeutic tool during transitioning. “I was trying to recollect anything that would help me understand my emotions. It all started with an assignment from my counselor to explore what I needed.

And since blogging was available on the chat site I was using, I used the media to record my thoughts. I wrote about my plans to be lovable

and respectable, and eventually I started writing about dreams and sharing my poems.”

“My ability to express my emotions in word slowly improved from day to day,” she continues. “Then one day, as I was reviewing what I had written, I realized I had a story that I wanted to share with others, to help other people like myself, people facing transitioning in mid-life with a family. I wanted to inspire hope, because there was too much self-inflicted tragedy.”

Born into a military family, Sophie indicates the constant moving could’ve been one precursor to her disconnection; she says in her book: “If I had to put a pin in a map to indicate where I’m from, maybe I should put it in the ocean.”

And later in the chapter: “Maybe I should just leave the pin unplaced, instead indicating I am coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”

More importantly, however, was the disconnection she felt between her male self and the girls at her schools. Noticing her middle school classmates begin to develop breasts, Sophie re-

members felling envious. She says in the book: “My gender identity had awakened. Prior to that I didn’t really care. It didn’t really matter. But now I knew I was a girl, and it just didn’t make sense. How could I be a girl with boy parts? How could I be a girl that would never develop, never grow breasts, never be beautiful?”

For many years following, she had kept up the “male” charade — married a woman and bore two children. “Before transitioning, I felt that I really didn’t know who I was or what I wanted,” Sophie says. “I wasn’t supposed to be too familiar with other women, with whom I felt the most comfortable, and I felt really uncomfortable in all male environments. I was really afraid I would lose my family and my job and wind up on the street.”

Yet, 10 years into the marriage, Sophie had fully realized that it was time to change, and began hormone treatments in 2008.

“My ex-wife and one of my children didn’t take my need for transition so well,” Sophie recalls.

“My oldest child felt embarrassed at her worst moments. But there was hope in my kids. The youngest would almost always start to call me Mommy and immediately correct it to Dad. So I always got the very cute ‘Mommy-Dad’ and I couldn’t think of anything more appropriate.”

Today, Sophie Jean Featherwind (her spirit named derived from the Cherokee tribe, of which her bloodline is one-sixteenth) says she feels at peace with herself, though there are still struggles that she faces, including some

TRANS FOLKS, QUEER FOLKS, ALLIES TOO...

Special Guest

Yoseñio V. Lewis social justice activist

TRANSACTION IS A PROGRAM OF THE UTAH PRIDE CENTER

health educator speaker writer performer trainer facilitator & spiritual hugger spi

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

workplace discrimination and health care issues. “Health insurance right now is rough. I am in the middle of an appeal process because a lot of my medical coverage is now being denied from complications due to treatment for gender dysphoria,” she says.

Since transitioning, Sophie says she has found herself to be an extrovert and an advocate, deeply compassionate for people’s struggles. She is a member of Transcenders Global Social Support Network, an online Facebook community that has 80 members from all over the world who lend support to one another. The members are comprised of anyone who is any

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

state of transitioning, family, friends & WPATHoriented caregivers, she says.

For those who are in turmoil over their gender identity and/or making the transition, Sophie advises, “Take your time. There are so many little steps you can take. Find the one you feel most comfortable with now and try it out. There’s no rule that says once you start transitioning you have to ride the train to the end non-stop.”

“It is not an easy road,” she continues. “While things are improving, you must be prepared to make sacrifices. Unfortunately, we don’t know ahead of time what those sacrifices will be. But you will gain something. Something that makes you a better person. Having self-compassion, recognizing that’s OK to be who you are, losing the anxiety and the shame help you become a much more loving person.

“And network with others. There are many brothers and sisters out there. And we need to support one another on our journeys. Find a network and find two or more friends within that network that you can build a pact of support and responsibility. In the end, the decision is yours.

Not your therapist’s, not your family’s and not your friends. Do what you need to do to be a fully-engaged and loving person.” Q

PINK PIG

“Freeing Hummingbirds: How I Learned to Embrace Myself” is available at Amazon.com, Lulu.com, iTunes, and at Golden Braid Books, 151 S. 500 East. Copies of the book are also available for loan at the Utah Pride Center.

FEATURE

Transgender Awareness Month events The third annual ‘Beyond the Binary’ gender conference, to be held Nov. 12 at Westminster College, is expanding and attracting queers and allies from around the region.

The free event, sponsored by the Utah Pride Center, will feature Yoseñio V. Lewis, a transgender man and activist, as the keynote speaker, as well as workshops and discussion groups for gender-variant people, their friends, family and other interested community members.

The conference is held each November in honor of Transgender Awareness Month and will include presentations and speakers from the community. It’s open to the public and topics ranging from health care to relationships will be covered. Other events throughout the remainder of the month include:

Game Night Tuesday, Nov. 15, 7 p.m., Utah Pride Center, 351 N 300 West

23

Transgendered at the Turn of the 20th Century This "labor of love" follows the true story of Hattie as she abandons her life as a beautiful woman and transforms herself into Alfred D. Fuller who operates a newspaper in North Dakota from 1912-1946 and marries another woman named Inez.

Written by Hattie’s great-niece, Lois Reimers, this uniquely fascinating story is enriched with family photos including the tintype of the family from 1880 and the wedding photo of Alfred Fuller and “his” wife, Inez..

Hattie: She Was Wired Differently is now available on Amazon.com.

Queer-friendly businesses are at

International Transgender Day of Remembrance Candlelight Vigil Sunday, Nov. 20, 6 p.m., First Methodist Church, 200 E. 200 South

Transgender Variety and Talent Show Tuesday, Nov. 22, 7 p.m., Gore Concert Hall at Westminster College

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24 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

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’Tis the season for giving Seasons Givings

F

ood, personal care and hygiene items and monetary donations are being accepted by the Utah AIDS Foundation for the Seasons Givings program to benefit people living with HIV and AIDS in Utah. The program, which has been running for more than 20 years, is designed to help alleviate some stress during the holidays.

Needed items for the food baskets include: Fresh fruit, vegetables, brown sugar, turkey gravy, non-perishable roll or muffin mix, cranberry sauce, stuffing mix, cake mix, candy, chocolates and nuts.

Needed items for the personal care items include: Dishwashing liquid, shampoo, conditioner, razors, laundry detergent, dryer sheets, body lotion, hand sanitizer, Kleenex, feminine hygiene products, toilet paper, cotton swabs, deodorant and hand soap.

Turkeys and hams will be provided by the UAF and food baskets need to be delivered to the UAF at 1408 S. 1100 East, Salt Lake City, by Nov. 22 for Thanksgiving and by Dec. 19 for Christmas and Hanukkah.

The UAF will also have individuals and families that can be anonymously adopted. The wish lists available at the UAF will include basic items such as bedding, clothing and other household items. Adopting a family is a perfect holiday project for a family, church group or club. More than 100 families will receive assistance.

The Q Business Alliance, an organization of queer and allied business owners, is aiding in the donation process and is seeking personal care items. Locations for drop off include: Lotus, 12896 Pony Express Road, Draper; Pumps and Pants Photography, 734 W. 1355 South, Salt Lake City; QSaltLake Offices, 1055 E. 2100 South, Ste. 206, Salt Lake City. Donations can also be made online at QBusinessAlliance.com.

Poinsettias for PWACU

T Q

salt lake

he People with AIDS Coalition of Utah is again selling red poinsettias to raise money for its service programs.

The plants are grown locally and are sold in attractive 6-inch pots and can be purchased for $10 or $75 for eight. Plants must be purchased

by Nov. 17 either at pwacu.org or by calling 801-484-2205 and can be delivered to locations in Salt Lake County and the following counties: Davis, Weber (Nov. 24 and Dec. 4), Summit (Nov. 27 and Dec. 8), Tooele and Utah (Dec. 1 and 11).

The organization’s thrift store, Our Store: Your

Thrift Alternative, ss also looking for donations of coats, winter clothing and working electronics as well as Christmas trees and other holiday decorations. All proceeds from the sales at the store go to PWACU’s programs, and the store also gives gift certificates to its clients and case managers throughout the valley.

Bingo

K

ick off every second and third Friday of the month with a fabulous bingo that raises funds for several well-deserving charities. The second Friday of the month is hosted by the Cyber Sluts, a Fabby award-winning troupe of buxom camp-drag performers and hosts. Doors open at 6 p.m. at the South Salt Lake Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1104 W. 2100 South, Salt Lake City. Cards are $5 and drinks are available for purchase. For more information, go to UtahCyberSluts.org.

The Third Friday Bingo is hosted by QSaltLake’s own Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem, another comedy drag troupe, at the First Baptist Church, 1300 E. 800 South, Salt Lake City. Bingo starts at 7 p.m., but get there early to find a seat.

The stunning Ruby Ridge also plays host for bingo on the Big Gay Fun Bus to Wendover, a fundraiser for the charity QCares Foundation.

The bus includes a complimentary buffet, $5 and a drink. Upcoming trips are scheduled for Dec. 3, Jan. 14 and Feb. 25. For more information, go to biggayfunbus.com.

Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire

T

he Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire is Utah’s oldest and best-dressed queer charity. The group of drag performers and their supporters sponsors charity events throughout the year, but really pick up the pace during the holidays.

To get the season started right, the group is holding two fundraisers on Saturday, Nov. 12.

From 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., the RCGSE will be sponsoring a food drive at Fresh Market locations around the Wasatch Front. Soda floats will be on sale for $1 and all cash donations will be matched by the stores, up to $500. Donations will be split between the Homeless Youth Resource Center and the People With AIDS Coalition of Utah. The RCGSE will be hosting the drive at the locations in Sugar House, 1639 S. 900 East, Bountiful, 353 S. 200 West and Layton, 910 N. Fairfield Road.

The second fundraiser on the same day will be held at Metro Bar, 540 W. 200 South, 7 p.m. A $10 donation at the door will be split between the HYRC and the PWACU, and raffle prizes, including gift certificates and prize baskets will raise funds for the two groups, which will split the money evenly. Sexy muscle men and stunning women will be accepting tips and performing.

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26 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

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My Week with Marilyn

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

See Nov. 23

gay agenda The Oscar race

By Tony Hobday

And so the Oscar race begins. Now out, The Rum Diary, with Johnny Depp sure to be nominated, and The Ides of March, starring the multi-Oscar nominee George Clooney. I’m sorry to say this but it must be said — though Clooney is like a gay blow-up doll for so many homos, I for one would like to hit his smug face with a shovel. See what he does to me, my sweet innocence is waning desperately. Anyhoo, other likely Oscar contenders opening soon are listed below. But my bet for the most Academy nods will go to The Muppets —

QQ QSaltLake is co-sponsoring the Sugar

please, their nonverbal expressions and body language House Art Walk, so be a QSaltLake

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are awe-inspiring.

thursDAY — I should have my Platinum gay card revoked because I forgot to include this event in the last issue. Thankfully, there are still a few performances remaining that every gay boy should go see.

The Weber State University Department of Performing Arts is currently mounting the musical comedy Xanadu. Based on the 1980 film, starring Olivia Newton-John, the show ... well, all you need to know is that it involves a roller disco, with the cast skating on stage. Fabulous!

7:30pm, through Nov. 19, Eccles Theater, Val A. Browning Center, 3848 Harrison Blvd., Ogden. Tickets $8–11, 1-800-WSU-TIKS, weberstatetickets.com.

QQ Award-winning gay screenwriter Dustin Lance Black’s highly anticipated new film hits the silver screen today. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and directed by Clint Eastwood, the biographical film J. Edgar is based on the “the face of law enforcement in America for almost 50 years, J. Edgar Hoover, who was feared and admired, reviled and revered. But behind closed doors, he held secrets that would have destroyed his image, his career and his life.”

UPCOMING EVENTS Nov. 24 Pride Center Thanksgiving Potluck Dinner

Dec. 1 Hotel Monaco Red Party

Dec. 9–11 Salt Lake Men’s Choir Holiday Concert

For participating theaters and times, visit fandango.com.

11

friDAY — Just as WSU is doing, the University

of Utah Department of Theatre is also producing a classic hit show, the great 1960s tribal rock musical Hair. It’s a celebration of life, a love letter to freedom, and a passionate cry for hope and change.

It is the story of a group of friends who struggle to balance their young lives, loves, and the sexual revolution with their rebellion against war, their conservative parents and society.

7:30pm, through Nov. 20, Babcock Theatre, 300 S. 1400 East, UofU. Tickets $15–20, 801-581-7100 or kingtix.com.

QQ All right, for those women who love women and those gay guys who love sexy women in sexy outfits doing a sexy dance (which is every gay guy, right?), check out Park City Burlesque!, an evening of provocative song and dance to stimulate the sensual side. Hopefully, the temperature in Park City isn’t sub-zero, we don’t want the girls’ nipples to crack and shatter — like what happens to poor, wussy Jesse, the boy who cried mother’s milk.

Times vary, through Saturday, Egyptian Theatre, 328 Main St., Park City.

Tickets $20–30, 435-649-9371 or egyptaintheatrecompany.org.

Cheerio, betches, and be a part of this event. Participating galleries and businesses include Rockwood Art Studios, The Joint, Sugar House Coffee, Patrick Moore Gallery and more. Artists include Nicholas Adelman, Flossie Kehr, Chris Miles, Mark Knudsen and many more.

6–9pm, participating galleries and businesses in the heart of Sugar House. Free, visit sugarhouseartwalk.info.

13

sundaY — You may have seen this cute boy in Shortbus or Holding Trevor, but not only is Jay Brannan an actor, he is also a singer-songwriter.

He describes his music as “the sound of the angry, sad woman.” He’s built a music fan base with his YouTube videos recorded in “Toilet Studios.” Tonight, he comes out of the toilet to play such songs as “HalfBoyfriend,” “Soda Shop,” and “Um, Please Don’t Attack Me.”

8pm, Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East. Tickets $13 adv/$15 day of, 24tix.com.

14

monday — The Damn These Heels LGBT film group presents a screening of Poison, the groundbreaking

Sundance award-winning film from director Todd Haynes. The film is innspired by the writings of Jean Genet, and deftly interweaves a trio of transgressive tales that build toward a devastating climax. The stories involve patricide, a mad sex experiment and an obsessive samesex relationship.

7pm, Tower Theatre, 876 E. 900 South. Free, 801359-5158 or utahfilmcenter.org.

18

friday — Theater Arts Conservatory presents Blue, a world premiere by Kyle Lewis. Inspired by poet Dante Alighieri and the Japanese dramatist, Ota Shogo, Blue is a journey of

hope and regret in search for redemption and understanding. From a lover’s longing for solitude to the aggressor’s need for asylum, the drama of a life once lived unravels through movement, music and imagery in this unique, theatrical experience.

8pm, through Saturday, Studio Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $10, 801355-ARTS or arttix.org.

QQ Utah native performance artist Alan Palmer returns with the epic follow-up to his one-man show Fabulous Divas of Broadway.

This time he pays hilarious tribute to great Hollywood actresses. In this new show, Fabulous Divas of Hollywood, Palmer parodies the likes of Judy Garland and Audrey Hepburn, plus at least a dozen others.

7:30pm, One Mind Studio, 216 W. Paxton Ave. Tickets $20, 801-463-6463 or onemindstudio.com or at the door.

QQ Repertory Dance Theatre Company presents Snapshots, an entertaining and playful look at our diverse neighborhoods.

The performance features choreography by RDT dancers and Zvi Gotheiner, plus photographs, music and interviews with students that will hopefully generate discussions about the things that concern us and the things we love about our neighborhoods.

7:30pm tonight & 2pm, Saturday, Jeanne Wagner Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway.

Tickets $10–20, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.

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wednesday — In 1956, a young Oxford student inspired by the film industry meets Marilyn Monroe on the set of a movie. His enchantment with the star then inspires his diary to be published. In the new film My Week with Marilyn, the two share one idyllic week together in England, the one week missing from the diary. Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain) stars as Marilyn.

For participating theaters and times, visit fandango.com.

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

theater review A victory for ‘Victor Victoria’

By Tony Hobday

I

t has become clear that higher education in Utah has finally spread its wings in terms of the arts, typically under-appreciated and ridiculed disciplines, especially when it comes to controversial subject matter. And here, I’m speaking of the performing arts, and solely in particular Westminster College’s regional premiere of Victor Victoria. Based on Blake Edwards’ 1982 gender-bending film that stars Julie Andrews in the lead role(s) of Victor (Victoria), the setting is early 20th century Paris; a broke and starving singer, and a gay cabaret performer devise a plan to finally earn a respectable living in the theater world. Mistaken identity and mistaken sexuality mark goofball antics, customary of Mr. Edwards’ work, the genius effortlessly delivers a fail-safe performance as behind the Pink Panther films. the flamboyant gay sidekick Toddy. But the one There’s a slew of gay characters represented to look out for, more than just for his taut bare in Victor Victoria, and instead of minimizing chest, is Daniel Goodman, who plays Squash, their portrayals Westminster King’s personal bodyguard. revels in them; adding a poiGoodman emulates a large gnant male-male kiss and Victor Victoria presence, from under the the musical number, “King’s umbrella of a smaller role.

Courage Theatre Dilemma,” during which Also, another enchanting Westminster COllege the mobster King (Michael 1840 S 1300 E performer, a real crowdCalacino) questions humorpleaser, is Westminster Nov. 1o–12, 7:30PM ously his own sexuality. freshmen Natalie Huge aspiration to deliver Ticket Information: McAneney, who embodies $10 General Admission a Broadway-esque show a bumbling floozy named 801-832-2457 fuels Westminster’s producNorma. McAneney pulls out tion, and a tip-of-the-hat to tinyurl.com/vicvictoria all the stops, and though the college’s theatre departshe ocassionally gets ment is in order. A student too punchy, faltering the production that’s as professional and entertainarticulation of her lines, she exudes comic relief ing, I have yet to see. quite nicely.

Natalia Noble, a Westminster alumna, is Michael Vought’s smooth direction helps keep near flawless as a woman pretending to be a the production from floundering, which at times man pretending to be a woman. Jared Thomson

save the Big Gay Fun Bus to Wendover date December 3

January 4–8

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November 19

January 19–29 sWerve Butch/Femme December 9–11 Sundance Film Festival Salt Lake Men’s Choir Ball sundance.org Holiday Concert swerveutah.com saltlakemenschoir.org

December 1

World AIDS Day worldaidsday.org December 1

Hotel Monaco Red Party utahaids.org

February 17–19

December 17

QUAC Ski-N-Swim

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June 1–3

December 18

PWACU Annual Holiday Party pwacu.org

September 26

Utah Gay & Lesbian Ski EU Allies Dinner Week equalityutah.org

Utah Pride Festival utahpridefestival.org

Email arts@qsaltlake.com

seems quite plausible. And the tour de force is a well-executed blocking on stage during which several characters attempt to avoid each other, racing from room to room.

Added to Vought’s seamless direction is the wow factor of wife Nina’s extraordinary costume designs. Staying true to some of the film’s original designs by Patricia Norris, and creating some original, unobtrusive ... or obtrusive costumery, depending on which dancer you ask, the interpretation is spectacular.

It is apparent, however, that vocal range and dance technique are usually more amateur in student productions than professional shows, and it can be difficult to remember that at times.

And yet, as you watch this fine cast hit the highs so wonderfully, you will easily forgive and forget the lows. Q

The final three performances are Nov. 10-12, Courage Theatre, Westminster College, 1840 S. 1300 East. Tickets $10, 801-832-8457 or westminstercollege.edu/campusevents.

more arts events at gaysaltlake.com

27

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

28 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Cyndi shines

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After all these years, the singer/activist isn’t so unusual — she’s just human

By Chris Azzopardi

T

wenty-five years ago, Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors” shined through — on the radio, and in the hearts of so many. It was in the midst of the horrifying AIDS epidemic when she lost her dear gay friend, came across the song, and made it into a hit that comforted millions.

“I was very much in mourning,” the 58-year-old icon recalls of the chart-topper and title track from her 1986 album. “I was sad and I wanted to be able to do something. He wanted me to sing a song for him, and I had written one (“Boy Blue”). That didn’t work out too good, because I wrote about my feelings ... which were big.”

But “True Colors,” originally written by Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly for Anne Murray, spoke to her. Years later, it’s not just a song; it’s an anthem for everything that Lauper — a selfless, admirable activist for the community — stands for. As part of her True Colors Fund, she launched a project last year, the Give a Damn Campaign, to create awareness of LGBT discrimination with the help of high-profile celebrities, many of them heterosexual.

“In any civil rights movement, you need everybody,” Lauper says with heartfelt indignation. “That’s how you win. You need your straight allies.”

She had them on the tour, also named after the song, which ran for two years and featured Debbie Harry, Margaret Cho, The B-52s and Erasure. Now, Lauper’s showing her support with a shelter, recently opened in Central Harlem, to offer supportive housing for LGBT youth without any place to go, who may have been thrown out of their own homes. A mother herself, Lauper can’t fathom a parent disowning their child.

“Parental love should be unconditional,” she says. “Love your kid for who they are or who they aren’t. The parent-child bond should never be broken.”

But if it is, they have a place that loves them: the True Colors Residence. Lauper’s quick not to take all the credit, though; she names off a list of important key players who made this — a six-story, 30-bed facility — the first permanent establishment of its kind in New York to happen. Her manager, Lisa Barbaris, is one of them, along with the West End Intergenerational Residence, a non-profit focused on providing housing for homeless families and the elderly.

“I was the famous person there, but a lot of people did a lot of work,” she says of the shelter’s official opening in September. “I was just the one who cut the ribbon. It’s an interesting project because it’s a low-income housing project, which makes it work on so many other levels. It’s kind of fabulous.”

Same could be said for Lauper’s career, officially launching in the early ’80s – during an out-of-control house party that had the singer persuading her parents to whoop it up, all for a little single called “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” off her 1983 debut album She’s So Unusual — as the New Yorker shot to superstardom instantly with funky-punky sunburst hair (one of many colors we’d see throughout the decade) and her outrageous fashion sense. She, like Madonna, was Gaga before Gaga existed. Lauper had the eccentricity, and she certainly had the hits.

There was the sweet charm of got-your-back ballad “Time After Time,” a song still in heavy rotation nearly 30 years later.

“A magical time,” she calls it now. “She Bop” blasted myths of

PHOTO: ELLEN VON UNWERTH

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masturbation, promoting it as something just as routine as brushing your teeth. The video — and “all my friends and family that showed up in the video with me” — is what she remembers most.

There was also “We Are the World,” the all-star charity single — a monster one, at that — featuring Michael Jackson, Diana Ross and Lauper. Her fondest memory: “That I walked in with almost the same jacket that Michael had on, and I changed it really quick. But I was upset anyway because I had the flakes in my hair, because I was doing that performance-art piece for the American Music Awards and didn’t have time to clean up. I was having a moment.”

Over the next three decades, Lauper would have many more moments. She would win Grammys, have a son, sing to a disgruntled group of passengers at an airline terminal, flub the “Star-Spangled Banner,” and gracefully recover from it, as she did recently before the US Open just this past September.

Looking back, what would she have told her younger, more “unusual” self? “I know I said all the wrong things to the right people,” she laughs, “but probably not listen all the time to everything everybody told me. That there was a bigger world out there.”

A world she’s still happy to be a part of. “I’ve been told, ‘No, it’ll never work.’ It’s always the same. But I’m still working.”

Something she was told she could never do —

by Sony, her label at the time — was the Blues.

She sure showed them. To Memphis, With Love is Lauper’s latest release, a live CD/DVD combo that captures one night of her most recent, and one of the more extensive, tours in her career.

The songs performed are off last year’s Memphis Blues, her baby she’d been working toward her whole career. Her 11th studio album, the project scored the top spot of the Billboard Blues Chart for 14 consecutive weeks.

“It’s the spirit of the Blues that propels you into an otherworldly state,” she says. “Basically, that’s what you would hope for from music.”

While editing the docu-style DVD, filmed at The Warehouse in Memphis and featuring special guests Jonny Lang and Tracy Nelson, Lauper had to do the unthinkable for anyone who can’t stand mirrors: look at herself for hours on end.

“Once you get over the fact that you thought you looked different but this is what you really look like, it’s fine,” Lauper laughs. “It’s always that way. You can’t ever take yourself seriously.”

Next up for Lauper? New original music, which she’s currently working on; writing for the Broadway show Kinky Boots; and a memoir that’s still in the early stages. A reality show, set to air early next year, is also in the works.

Lauper’s also determined to get the True Colors Tour, on hold because of the economy, back off the ground.

“It’s going to take a minute to figure out how to do it right, but I’ll get it back,” she says. “I always wanted it to be a little party, a real festival in one place, with different stages, food and music. But I don’t know really how to do that. I’m not a businessperson; I’m an artist that wanted an inclusive tour with straight people and gay people and transgender people — everybody mixed together. That was my big dream.”

And her true colors, shining through. Q

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Christine Cardamon INSPHERE INSURANCE 801-661-9662

I am in the business of helping people and companies help their employees protect their assets for life’s unexpected events, such as serious injuries, illness or accidents. I do this through finding the proper health, life, long-term care, and supplemental insurance for personal needs. 20 years of experience serving 13 states.

Brad Case

COMETZ SERVICES, LLC 801-455-1847

Providing basic Handyman Services: painting, maintenance & repair of your home & business. I can work with on your projects with you or do the work for you. L icensed & insured, the person you want working in and around your home & office.

CITY HOMES SALT LAKE 801-718-5555

SCENEMAKERS 801-983-8145

Creators of premier, corporate and social City Homes Salt Lake would enjoy the events, 13 Best of State awards and 16 opportunity to discuss representing you in years proudly supporting diversity in Utah. the purchase and/or sale of Salt Lake real estate. Contact us today to learn more about how you can partner with a leader in the Salt Lake real estate market.

Cynthia Fleming

SALT LAKE ACTING COMPANY 801-363-7522

Salt Lake Acting Company,produces seasons of thoughtful, provocative, regional and world premieres; nurtures, supports and develops a community of professional artists; produces and supports emerging playwrights; and makes a significant contribution to our community and to the American theatre.

THE BENEFITS OF JOINING: The Q Business Alliance is open to all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and ally business owners to join us for networking, socializing, community organizing and charitable contributions to Utah’s LGBT community. Corporations, small businesses, sole proprietors and independent agents are welcome to join, regardless of sexual orientation.

Monthly Business Breakfasts

Each third Friday of the month, a themed breakfast will be held at various restaurants in the Greater Wasatch Front with guest speakers and the ability to introduce your business and hand out company literature to other owners and professionals

29

Monthly After-Work Socials

Meet and mingle with other entrepreneurs and professionals, as well as QSaltLake readers, at different businesses in the valley

Service Guide Ads

Expose your business to thousands of QSaltLake readers with a listing or display ad in the Service Guide on the first Friday of each month.

Online Exposure through QSaltLake.com QSaltLake readers turn to our web site for help finding services in the community.

They can be referred to your web site in a click of a button.

Member Newsletter Promote your business, introduce new products and announce upcoming events to other Alliance members

Swag Bags Place marketing materials or samples in highly-sought “swag” bags or at tables at large community events through the year More We will be announcing more opportunities for members as the Alliance grows

QBusinessAlliance.com

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

30 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

PHOTO: CHERYL MAZAK

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

Bitch brings her electric, energetic sound back to Utah

By Seth Bracken

T

he electric violinist and rap, rock, indie-folk artist Bitch has been featured in the movie Shortbus, the hit TV series, The L Word, and she’s coming back to Salt Lake with her latest tour. She’ll bring her high-energy, eclectic style to the Paper Moon on Dec. 4. Tickets are just $10 and can be purchased only in-person at the Paper Moon, 3737 S. State St. Bitch spoke with QSaltLake about her love for ’80s music, her musical inspirations and her new album.

Where are you and what are you working on now? Right now I am in a little cabin in the middle of nowhere Michigan. I’m taking an artistic retreat to work on a new album. I was in the city working with this dude but we go back and forth. I’ll go in and work on the album for a little then come back out here. It’s sort of my relaxation and way to hammer some things out.

What can you tell us about the new album? It will definitely be a little bit of a new direction. It’s going to reflect my new live show that I’ll be bringing to Salt Lake. It’s got a lot of electronic elements and a lot of violin.

When I listen to your music, I notice a maturing, even a sweetness as time goes on. How have you seen your music change over the years? I think that’s absolutely true in a way. There has been some conciseness to the changes. As an activist when I started making music, there was a certain rage that needed to be brought out in us.

Times have changed so much and a lot of that stuff has come out. A lot of dirty laundry has been aired in the world. And now what I want to reflect is a sense of hope, although hope is a little bit of a cheesy word. I would definitely say my music has softened too. I want to nurture a beautiful goodness, where before I was raging against something.

You mentioned being an activist, what causes move you? I think in general, I’ve always been an activist. I want to encourage all people to be free and be the best versions of themselves as possible. I am a supporter of individuality and want everyone to participate in the greater good of society.

Who inspires you? Who would I find on your iPod right now? Oh wow. I’ve been listening to the new Toshi Reagon album. And I love Cyndi Lauper and Sinéad O’Connor , I think they go back to my preteen idols and I still listen to them.

But I really have an eclectic taste, which I think is reflected in my music. I feel equally inspired

by Sesame Street, Stevie Wonder, The Muppets and Britney Spears.

Do you have any guilty pleasure music?

Someone you love that you wouldn’t want people to know you love? Every now and then when a Billy Joel song comes on the radio, I’ll jam it up and sing along.

What do you remember about Utah from your previous shows? You can drink a lot beer there because there’s no alcohol in it. I always feel a little light-headed because of elevation. Your city has a very mystical feel. When I first visited, there was an incredible sense and feel to the show. Because there’s a reputation to the city with the religion and whatever, I was blown away by the powerful underground and the energy of the show.

For those who haven’t been to your show, how would you describe it? I would say it is definitely comical, fun, upbeat and with a very serious edge to it. I would describe it as electricviolin, theatrical rock. There are costumes and it’s just a really great time. We’re even working on something, I’m not sure if it’ll be ready, but I’m planning a live video stream of my mother.

I’m really looking forward to playing Salt Lake again. Alligator will be in tow, he’s basically the DJ on stage. It’s all going to be really wonderful. Q

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Halloween in the City Brek Joos spent Halloween Weekend all over town shooting the fancy and scary costumes our creative community devises for the most wonderful time of the year. See more of his shots at 足iconnoci.com and others at GaySaltLake.com.

k

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

32 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

The Kiss of Life

38 Rock group?

39 Left to pirates Across 40 Lesbians in training, 1 Move the ball bee.g. tween your legs 42 Work periods 5 Frat hazing sounds 44 Big rabbit features 9 Gaze at gays, e.g.

45 All the rage 13 Actress Skye 46 See 19-Across 14 Designed for all 51 Do road work grades 52 St. Patrick’s land 15 Poetic adverb 53 Bars for gay chefs 16 A little behind 54 Malevolent 17 Like sharp cheese 55 Hoar 18 British public school 56 Sparkle 19 With 46-Across, why 57 Depend (on) 33-Across said she 58 Went lickety-split enjoyed the mouth-to- 59 Seamen mouth Down 22 Duck down 1 Russian River deposit 23 Slow period 2 Ancient shipwright 24 Where to find ‘er 3 Opening amount Majesty’s navy?

4 Voyeur’s station 27 Jock strap for Adam 5 Women who date and Steve? men who date men 30 Member 6 Aquarium buildup 31 Collette of United 7 “Beg pardon ...”

States of Tara 8 Bench a jock 32 Home st. of Harper 9 At Swim, Two Boys Lee writer Jamie 33 Celeb who recently called 911 because of 10 Become disentangled with chest pains 37 Not in the pink 11 Many August people

12 Coastal eagle 20 Earhart’s milieu 21 Refused to budge 24 Didn’t use a greasy spoon 25 Bea Arthur’s TV maid Esther 26 Attacker of cotton balls 27 Heavy mists 28 On your toes 29 Does without oral gratification 31 Golf pegs 34 Bête ___ 35 They hold your drawers 36 Homer, for one 41 How a male stripper makes a living?

42 Stood out 43 Body part to shoot from 45 Whodunit start 46 Surfer’s ride 47 Touch off 48 Fitzgerald of jazz 49 Top priority of a top 50 Niles and Frasier to Martin 51 P of mph PUZZLE SOLUTIONS ARE ON PAGE 38

anagram

An anagram is a word or phrase that can be made using the letters from another word or phrase. Rearrange the letters below to answer:

name the actress who plays the new role of Marilyn monroe

clime mills awhile

________

________

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

español expres My new love affair

by Gus Herrero

S

o, yeah, I have a new love affair and I am not ashamed to talk about it.

I am in love with food. There, I said it.

You might all think ‘this guy is talking sh*t!’ But who can’t say that eating food is a pleasure — almost an orgasmic experience.

Everyone loves to try sweets and foods, but what more delicious treat than an authentic enchilada? I was never a fan of Mexican food, but now I think I have changed my mind ... at least with enchiladas. But no, I am not talking about those Americanized enchiladas; I am talking about the real ones. The ones made with Mexican hands, hands like my dear friend Ricardo’s. You may not know Ricardo but when he cooks, all the neighbors come around.

I was last invited to a little dinner at a friend’s house. He is from Peru and he is always comfortable talking about his cooking skills. Well, I thought, it is time to see if all the talk was more than just mere tales of how good he is.

Tengo un affair con …

by Gus Herrero

S

i, tengo love affair y no tengo vergüenza de hablar sobre el tema.

Estoy enamorado de la comida, es que un pecado? Ustedes estarán pensado, pues este que esta fumando? Pero no, estoy en mi sano juicio. Quien puede asegurar lo contrario? La comida es un placer, casi casi una experiencia orgásmica.

A todos les gusta los dulces y otros apetitosos aperitivos, pero que mas que una apetitosa enchilada Mexicana? Nunca fui un fan acérrimo de la comida Mexicana, pero ahora he cambiado de parecer. Cuando hablo de enchiladas, me refiero a las reales. No a las patéticas imitaciones que se venden en algunas esquinas de Salt Lake City. Me refiero a las hechas por autenticas manos mexicanas. Como las de mi amigo Ricardo. Ustedes no conocen a Ricardo, o tal vez si, lo mas seguro es que, si el cocina enchiladas, todos los vecinos están en un abrir y cerrar de ojos en su casa.

Pero todo no termina allí, mi gran pasión por la comida, en especial la peruana se vio incrementada este fin de semana cuando fui invitado a una pequeña cena en casa de un amigo.

Peruano, y como tal confiado en sus habilidades de hacer disfrutar sus platillos a cualquier comensal que se atreva a rondar su

There was no storm that could stop me from eating this food. He whipped up the delicious and “mouth-watering” lomo saltado — a Peruvian dish with Asian influences. This dish consists of strips of sirloin marinated in vinegar, soy sauce and spices, then stir fried with red onions, parsley and tomatoes. It is traditionally served over white rice with homemade french fries that look more like potato wedges. Yes, I Googled it. Get over it.

As soon as I walked in, my senses went off.

My stomach couldn’t stop making noises. And for some reason I had more saliva than usual.

I pretended to play it cool. You know, like I could care less. The truth was that I needed to eat that meal.

The lomo saltado turned out to be orgasmic. I couldn’t stop eating. My favorite parts?

The french fries and sirloin. We accompanied the dish with some red wine.

After eating like a pig (I’m not afraid to admit it), I had to give my compliments to the chef. I even proposed that he should open a Peruvian restaurant. Which, by the way, we need a good one, and soon.

I love eating, and I love eating good food.

If I ever become chubby (not that there’s anything wrong with that) you’ll know how I got that way. cocina. Bueno, es hora de comprobar por mi mismo si todas la historias eran realidad o si solo se trataba de una leyenda urbana.

No habría nada ni nadie que se interpusiera entre el platillo de esa noche y yo. No siquiera una de las primeras nevadas del invierno. El platillo central: Lomo Saltado.

Se me hizo agua la boca. Un platillo peruano con evidentes influencias asiáticas. El Lomo Saltado consiste en pedazos de carne marinadas en vinagre, salsa de soja, condimentos, cebollas rojas, perejil y tomates.

Usualmente es servido sobre arroz blanco y con papas fritas.

Tan pronto entre a la casa, mis sentidos funcionaron a la perfección, distinguiendo aromas y sensaciones que solo la comida te puede dar. Mi estomago no paro de hacer ruidos extraños y por una de esas coincidencias de la vida, tenia mas saliva que de costumbre.

El Lomo Saltado, termino siendo orgásmico. No podía parar de comer. My parte favorita ? las papas fritas y la carne. Un buen Lomo Saltado como siempre debe de ser acompañado por un buen vino rojo.

Luego de comer como un cerdo (no me da pena admitirlo) tuve que dar mis felicitaciones al chef. Incluso le propuse el abrir un restaurante Peruano. Que por cierto necesitamos con urgencia.

Me encanta comer, y me encanta mucho mas el comer buena comida. Si por alguna razón o día, me ven caminando por ahí con algunas libras de mas… ya saben el por que…

NIGHTLIFE

Q scopes Stay strong, Cancer!

By Jack Fertig

Mars is in Virgo trine to Jupiter in Taurus directing our energies to critical, constructive matters. Get to work! Flirtations and chatter are just distractions, but a little is good for morale.

e

ARIES (March 20–April 19) If you ask for a raise you’ll get what you’re worth. Are you willing to risk it? Quiet time alone can help you get insight into early traumas. Helping those less fortunate can help you to heal them.

r

TAURUS (April 20–May 20) Sex can be healing, but like any medicine one can overdose. Feelings of satiation can open new insights. Even in hard times life can be good and you have the resourceful creative instincts to make the most of it.

t

GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Advice from Mom about getting ahead is useful, not taken directly, but more as a springboard to clearer ideas. Although others may trigger your anxieties those worries are your own, likely from childhood shames.

Still, choose your company carefully.

y

33

issues. What do you need to learn to be truly successful?

o

LIBRA (September 23–October 22) Keeping up with the Joneses quickly becomes more jonesing than keeping it up. Challenge yourself to be thrifty. Bitchy, campy discussions can be fun, but easy to overdo. Improve on your own flaws; never mind others’.

p

SCORPIO (October 23–November 21) Efforts to befriend colleagues can backfire. Constructive criticism should always be offered very carefully. Do your best to receive it graciously. Friends’ insights can help your partnership, even if they challenge your friendship. You love a challenge. Work it out!

[

SAGITTARIUS (November 22–December 20) Your eagerness to get ahead could be overdone. Credit and support to your colleagues will help you keep proportion.

You don’t need to oversell yourself. Humility– knowing what you’re worth, no more or less–is your key to greatness.

]

CAPRICORN (December 21–January 19) Your own creative visions and hopes are likely to be too extravagant. Share them anyway. Invite your friends to critique your goals. They will help you to develop a keener focus. You have to face domestic discord in order to heal it.

CANCER (June 21- July 22) Showing off will lead to criticism, perhaps constructive. In any event, the trick is to consider the source, see what you might learn from it and don’t let it bother you. Stay strong and focused to take charge and deal with family problems.

AQUARIUS (January 20–February 18) Think before responding to any challenge. You’re feistier than usual and a snap back is likely to make things worse. On the other hand, taking criticism to heart could provide a lot of material for self-improvement.

LEO (July 23–August 22) Try not to start arguments at home, and if they come your way listen and learn. An older sibling or neighbor has good advice even–or especially–if you don’t like it. Hard work and efficiency at work will be rewarded with greater challenges.

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i

Jack Fertig, a professional astrologer since 1977, is available for personal and business consultations in person or online. He can be reached at 415-864-8302, starjack.com and QScopes@qsaltlake.com.

VIRGO (August 23–September 22) Your energy is picking up, liable to go off in different directions. Getting busy around the house is a pleasant diversion–or a distraction. Focus on learning about practical

q

PISCES (February 19–March 19) Too much explaining can undermine your efforts. Answer questions succinctly. In your personal feelings and your work, let your actions do most of the talking.

Hunches may offer insight, but don’t necessarily trust them. Stick to the facts!

G E T YO U R V I Q C A R D AT

VIQCARD.COM

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

34 FOOD & DRINK

Q doku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution which can be reached logically without guessing. Enter digits 1 through 9 into the Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution which can be reached logically spaces.

Every row must contain of each digit,Every as must withoutblank guessing.

Enter digits 1 through 9 into one the blank spaces. row must contain oneand of each as mustQdoku each column and five each 3x3 each column eachdigit, 3x3 square. is actually square. Qdoku is actually five separate, but connected, Sudoku puzzles. separate, but connected, Sudoku puzzles.

Q doku

Level: Easy

Level: Hard

7 5 1

8

5 8 6

7

8 5 4 7 8 6 4 1 6 2

3 4

8 2 8

4 9

3

1

3

7 6

1 4 7 5 2 4 5 8 2 1 7 6 7 2 9 5 1 7 6 3 8 8 3 7 1 9 7 4 2 8 3 2 6 4 9 7 5 6 3 9

6 9 1

4 3 2 3 1 7 8 6 5 6 8 4 9 2 3

8

5 3 7 4 9

6 8 1

8 1 3 2 1 2 7 5 9

7

4 5 6 8

3

1

9 1 8 5 3 9 2 7 9 6 1 8 3 5 1 4 2 7 9 5 1 3 1

cryptogram

Cryptogram

Anagram

A cryptogram is a puzzle where one letter in the puzzle is substituted with another. For example:

ECOLVGNCYXW YCR EQYIIRZNBZN YZU PSZ! Has the solution: CRYPTOGRAMS ARE CHALLENGING AND FUN! In the above example Es are all replaced by Cs. The puzzle is solved by recognizing letter patterns in words and successively substituting letters until the solution is reached.

This week’s hint: C = O Theme: Actor/director Clint Eastwood speaking in favor of marriage equality.

Mkej zrxb bxbspocgp jib hiavhb jc iaxb jib yrub jibp lavj. ____ ____ _________ ___ ______ __

____

___

____

____

____.

QSALTLAKE

cocktail chatter

What to do with cheap champagne, part II

4 9 2 8

ISSUE 193

D

By Ed Sikov

an and I got home from our onenight honeymoon at the beach to find five silver or gold bags waiting for us in the mailroom. More champagne, of sorts. Only one bottle met our snobby standards: a Taittinger Prestige Rosé. The others were destined for more Kir Royales — either that or re-gifting.

“Mmmmmm! Champ-agg-nee!” I squealed in the voice of Curly from The Three Stooges each time Dan opened a package. (Note to youth: see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_three_stooges.) I do a pretty good Curly, but by the fourth time it was wearing thin.

“Stop doing that,” Dan said.

“I can’t help it,” I replied. “It’s Pavlovian.”

“That’s bullshit,” he said. “You’re just trying to irritate me.” (I silently admitted that he was correct.) “And I’m sick of Kir Royales,” he continued edgily, “so don’t make anymore. I’m hungry, I’m tired, and I don’t know why we don’t have more sophisticated friends.” He stomped toward the bedroom.

“Then I’ll make Queer Royales,” I declared, having no idea what the drink would contain.

“OK, I’ll bite,” he said. “What’s in a Queer Royale?”

Sudden inspiration: “Crème de violette!”

“I love you,” Dan said as he marched back into the living room to kiss me. “Put a bottle of this ... this ... cava in the freezer while we unpack.”

“Cava is dead to us,” I announced for at least the 75th time.

“There’s a clause in our pre-nup that says that if you say ‘cava is dead to us’ one more time you get nothing in the divorce settlement,” he said as he stripped off his shirt. It was a sight I’ve seen daily for 10 years, and it still produces a rush. I couldn’t wait to curl up next to him in bed

honor roll

These businesses brought you this issue of QSaltLake. Make sure to thank them with your patronage.

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and grope him.

I dialed Chen’s Sichuan and placed our usual order: seafood dumplings and Chicken with Peanuts for Dan, who doesn’t like heat, and the spicy tripe appetizer and the Fiery Shredded Pork for me.

By the time Dan came out of the shower and dressed, the food had already arrived, the bike delivery boy leaving a trail of petrified pedestrians and drivers alike from his race to our building. I put two new, tall Waterford champagne flutes on the table (getting married is a blast!), each with a few drops of crème de violette already poured. I popped the cork (just like Fyedka; see above) and poured.

The resulting color was strange; gold and violet don’t blend well. But the taste was superb.

We polished off the doctored cava during dinner.

“I love our cheap friends,” said a tipsy, happy Dan as I poked the last piece of blistering-hot pork in my mouth.

“Let’s go to bed,” I said, still chewing. “Now!” “Brush your teeth for the full two minutes and I’ll consider it,” said Dan as he reached into my boxers from the bottom. So this is what they mean by “second honeymoon.”

The Queer Royale 1 bottle of cava, prosecco, or other champagne variant A few drops of crème de violette Put a few drops of the crème de violette in as many champagne flutes as you have guests, then carefully pour in the ersatz champagne so that the flute doesn’t overflow. Keep as much fizz as possible. Q

Ed Sikov has written seven books about films and filmmakers and is a columnist for LitReactor.com.

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QSALTLAKE.COM

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

recipe Chef Drew’s English Toffee

FOOD & DRINK

Rocky Mountain Grill & Family

Wed. only

Try our wild coconut, curried wild rice

Breakfast Special

By Chef Drew Ellsworth

W

henever I make a caramelized component for cooking or for candy, I try not to stir it. So I put all the ingredients except the nuts into a heavy sauce pan and set it on medium heat and just let it roll. I use half margarine and half butter. If you follow all the other measurements and use a candy thermometer it nearly always succeeds. Nevertheless, every once in a while toffee does not set up as it should and I guess there’s nothing you can do about it. All candy makers I’ve talked to agree that toffee is tricky! Here’s how I do it: English Toffee 2 sticks butter (I use one stick salted butter and one stick margarine) 1 ½ cups sugar 3 tablespoon water 1 tablespoon clear corn syrup Place ingredients in a heavy sauce pan and begin cooking over medium heat — do not stir 2/3 cup chopped nuts—I use almonds, walnuts or pecans, save some for the top — some recipes require you to toast the nuts, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

1 teaspoon vanilla — pour the vanilla over the nuts One-third to ½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

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You need a candy thermometer, they’re cheap so just get one, and you cook the mixture over medium heat to a rolling boil—then keep cooking until the mixture has a marbled, foamy surface and when it starts changing color and smells more and more toasty

35

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insert the thermometer. It needs to reach 300 degrees and then I let it cook at least one full minute. I look for a deepening caramel color. Now work quickly to stir in the nuts and vanilla using a wooden spoon. Pour the candy onto a baking sheet and top with more nuts and allow the candy to spread to a unified thickness. Sprinkle the chocolate chips on top and allow them to completely melt, and then spread the chocolate thinly over the candy.

Let the toffee completely cool and harden — at least several hours — and then cut it up into the size you want.

•Know what’s in your basket before ordering!

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

36 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE

she culture

Uh Huh Her, Keep A Breast Tour

By Annalisa Millo

C

Thanksgiving Buffet RCGSE Fundraiser $5 Thanksgiving Buffet

ritically acclaimed and Salt Lake City queer-favorite, electro-indie duo, Uh Huh Her has set out on tour again, this time for a cause.

The nonprofit Keep A Breast Foundation’s main objective is to raise awareness in young people about prevention, detection and support for breast cancer and breast cancer survivors.

The foundation provides exposure through fundraising, art and music events, and educational programs in order to better educate young people and thwart the prevalence of breast cancer, the silent killer.

Notable people such as Tom Delonge of Blink-182, members of Circa Survive, fourtime world champion surfer Lisa Anderson, Katy Perry and The Foo Fighters have participated; and partners such as the Vans Warped Tour, Zumiez, ROXY and The Quicksilver Foundation, The Keep A Breast Foundation is serious about educating the teenager and young adult demographics.

You may have recognized one of the Keep A Breast’s signature “I Heart Boobies” wristbands floating around town for the past few years now. October was National Breast Cancer Prevention month, and with Uh Huh Her’s release of their new album Nocturnes, they, with Fences and Jarrod Gorbel, have jumped in to support a great cause, and are now wrapping up their Keep A Breast Tour.

The Keep A Breast Foundation and House of Blues Entertainment joined forces to make this tour possible. During the month of October, Keep A Breast and Uh Huh Her have been interacting directly with fans not only during their live shows, but also through interviews, videos and social media as a grassroots and community level popular movement to create awareness throughout the U.S. and Canada about breast cancer prevention.

Twice now Uh Huh Her has played Salt Lake City, and twice have they been surprised and delighted by the levels of energy and excitement that our humble town bring. Will Sartain of Urban Lounge noted that both times Uh

Huh Her has come through, his venue has almost sold out, with a portion of those ticket sales, along with a portion the rest of the tour’s ticket sales, being donated to Keep A Breast.

Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her remarked, “I’ve chosen to become part of Keep A Breast because like many others I have been directly affected by breast cancer in my family. Luckily both my grandmothers are breast cancer survivors. I think awareness and education are so important in treating this disease because if detected early enough, chances of survival are greatly increase. I’m so happy to be a part of something that will reach young and old alike, and what better way than through music.” Q

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

38 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

the perils of petunia pap smear The tale of a blooming family

QSALTLAKE

By Petunia Pap Smear

and caused her to shriek in surprise. It also made her mascara run so that she looked like a rabid raccoon. In full panic mode, Hyacinth forcefully thrust the blinded Daffy out of sight, underneath the table cloth of the buffet table, and shoved the trolley containing Petunia’s bassinet through the swinging doors into the hallway.

As Hyacinth turned to prepare to greet the princess, she noticed that the Vicar had mistaken the poo-filled diaper for a serving of guacamole and began to spoon some onto a cracker. Thinking quickly, she began singing “God Save The Queen.” The Vicar came to attention thus enabling Hyacinth to throw the “guacamole”-laden diaper and his plate under the table as well.

Meanwhile, under the table, Daffy who was very patriotic, also tried to come to attention thus upsetting the buffet table, causing the flaming sterno under the chaffing dishes to topple over and catch the table cloth on fire. Richard came to the rescue by picking up the punch bowl and dousing the flames with the contents; however Hyacinth had been trying to blow out the fire and she was drenched with bright red punch from head to toe. Alas, all was for naught because of a scheduling conflict, Her Royal Highness never came.

When the confusion subsided, the baby Petunia was missing. The constables in Scotland Yard suspected that Mormon Missionaries visiting the hospital, absconded with the child, figuring that is was much easier to raise a Mormon than to convert one, especially since Daffy had earlier refused baptism because of the deleterious effect it would have on her hair.

Subsequently, to prove his sincerity

puzzle solutions

than five minutes, the glorious new truth was confirmed. I must confess that I was absolutely dumbfounded with amazement.

The internet is for more than just porn!

Exuberant with my newfound heritage, I quickly relegated my childhood life in Idaho, full of sheep shit and taters, to the dust bin of history and reveled in the knowledge that my role model Hyacinth and I are sisters. And glory be, Orlando Bloom is a distant cousin. Yea! Suddenly, I feel the irrepressible urge to host a candle light supper, perhaps alongside the Jordan River with Riparian Entertainments. I could serve Bangers and Mash with Spotted Dick for dessert. Since I don’t own any Royal Doulton with handpainted periwinkles, I shall serve it on my best Corelle ware, on which I shall handpaint some periwinkles.

Like always these events leave us with several eternal questions: 1. Which flavor of punch is best for dousing fires?

2. How far removed must a cousin be before it is not considered incest?

3. Will Orlando ever return my calls and lift the restraining order?

4. How many inches long is the average Spotted Dick?

5. How many Bangers should one include in a serving of Bangers and Mash?

6. How much time do you need to recover between each Banger?

7. What the hell does a periwinkle look like?

8. Will hand-painted petunias be an adequate substitute?

These and other important questions to be answered in future chapters of: The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear. Q

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and legitimacy, Sheridan and his partner Tarquin sent me a hand-knitted doily of their own creation along with a photograph of Hyacinth’s table set for a candle light supper with her precious Royal Doulton with hand-painted periwinkles. At first glimpse of the photos and doily, my heart nearly leapt out from behind my twirling and flashing breasticles. I immediately felt as if I had clicked my ruby slippers and gone home. After an extensive and exhaustive search on Ancestry.com, lasting more 1 8 2 9 3 7 4 5 6

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he road to an executive level, upper class, pedigree is fraught with danger and excitement.

I was simultaneously apprehensive and excited when I received a handengraved letter written on beautifully embossed stationery from a man in England, Mr. Sheridan Bucket. He said he was searching for his long lost Uncle Petunia who went missing shortly after birth, many years ago, from Queen’s Hospital in London, and his investigation had led him to me. Apparently, the online version of this monthly column in QSaltLake had come to Mr. Bucket’s attention, and through his readings of the several stories and experiences, he seemed to feel a deep, familial connection to me.

He explained that his grandmother, Daffodil Bloom — Daffy for short, was the mother of five children including Sheridan’s mother, the famous and formidable Hyacinth Bloom, who married his father Richard Bucket, pronounced bouquet. In addition to Hyacinth there was Violet — with a Mercedes, a swimming pool and room for a pony, Daisy, Rose and a longlost baby boy named Petunia. Daffy, having never even conceived that she might give birth to a boy had only the name “Petunia” picked out, so gender notwithstanding, Petunia it was. Sheridan insisted that with a name like Petunia, I must be the missing blossom of the family’s Blooming Bush.

Sheridan related the story: The day after Daffy gave birth to the boy Petunia, Daffy and baby were in the hospital canteen attending a Candle Light Supper with Hippocratic Entertainments, organized by her oldest daughter, Hyacinth, for the Senior Executive Hospital Staff and special guest, Her Royal Highness, Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowden.

Shortly before the princess was too arrive, the baby Petunia made a stinky doo doo in his diaper. Daffy began to change the baby’s diaper when Hyacinth bellowed, “STOP! I will not have you serving up a Petunia poo poo platter in the presence of royalty.” She hastily shoved the bassinet containing baby Petunia behind a large mound of flowers.

Daffy followed the baby and removed the soiled diaper anyway. As little boys without diapers covering their wee wee are wont to do, he made a pretty little yellow fountain which shot Daffy right between the eyes

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ISSUE 193

QSALTLAKE.COM

Q

ISSUE 193

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

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