The Rampage Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 77 • Issue V • March 2015 • Adar 5775 • the-rampage.org
Ten Questions for New Head of School Rabbi Eric Grossman: 1) Are you younger than Ms. Axel? 2) What is your stance on comedians and hypnotists? 3) Will Mr. Lupinacci be your consigliore? 4) Do you enjoy the dulcet sounds of Mr. Deutsch’s voice? Do you have any aversion to bag-pipes? 5) Do you subscribe to the “whole-school” philosophy, or are you partial to “half-school,” or “quarter school”? 6) Will you be taking over the fourth floor teacher’s lounge? 7) Will you continue the tradition of high tea during homeroom? 8) Should the Rampage use spell-check? 9) Is it about time that the Yearbook was actually a Yearbook? 10) Are copy machines evil? Rabbi Grossman had beat some stiff competition before becoming head of school: 1) Mitt Romney: declined to run for president for the 3rd time when he heard there was a job opening at Ramaz. 2) Rabbi Josh Lookstein: he’s a Lookstein. Enough said. 3) Jacob Doft: who wouldn’t want to give up running a hedge fund to run Ramaz? 4) Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks: The obvious next step for Sir Sacks after being Chief Rabbi of the Commonwealth. And we hear Ramaz has a thing for Brits. 5) Mendy: why not?
Coach Dulny Investigated for Deflating Basketballs The Lady Rams’ run to their third straight championship hit a snag this past week when an anonymous source accused Coach Dulny of deflating basketballs during their semi-final win over HAFTR. The president of the MYHSAL has appointed a private investigator to review the game tape. However, even after reviewing the surveillance tapes, the private investigator could not reach a definitive conclusion as to what happened.
Manager of the Year Michael Leisman is outraged that people would accuse the team of foul play under his watch: “I’m the best manager in the league. No other team knows how to handle their basketballs the way I do. I’ve honed my practice over years of sitting on the bench and behind the scorer’s table, and I will do everything in my power to prove my team innocent.”
Family Reunion
By Eliana Doft ’16
To become a Talmud teacher at Ramaz, there is only one requirement: be related to Rabbi Genack of Englewood. Some applicants for the coveted teaching positions were caught forging documents from birth certificates to marriage contracts in order to prove some sort of relation. Once a year, the Ramaz Talmud Family Clan gathers together in Riverdale for a Purim Seudah cooked by master-chef, Rabbi Sklarin. Rabbi Gober also receives an invitation, but only because Rabbi Sklarin owed him for watching TV at his house all the time. This year, while the company was indeed holier than that of your average Purim Seudah, the conversation was as awkward as any classic family reunion. “So many people keep congratulating me on my ‘fig’ award, that I didn’t even bother correcting them,” complained Rabbi Sklarin. “If you think that’s awkward, try hearing ‘my,
how you’ve grown!’ from at least ten people!” replied Rabbi Stavsky. After the Seudah, the Rabbis engaged in some intense Talmudic learning. Important halachic questions were discussed such as, “Is it a case of zeh neheneh and zeh lo chaser if you let a kid without a tie off the hook?” or “If a student does not honor their Rabbis by giving them the first spot on the line, is it okay to cut them?” However, these discussions quickly turned competitive as Rabbi Schiowitz and Rabbi Stavsky got into a heated argument over which of the freshmen classes they were teaching had learned the most Rashis. In the end, Rabbi Sklarin saved the day by calming everyone down with some movie trailers on Youtube and some lollipops. And of course, no family reunion would complete without a picture in matching T-Shirts.