The Rampage Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 77 • Issue V • March 2015 • Adar 5775 • the-rampage.org
Ten Questions for New Head of School Rabbi Eric Grossman: 1) Are you younger than Ms. Axel? 2) What is your stance on comedians and hypnotists? 3) Will Mr. Lupinacci be your consigliore? 4) Do you enjoy the dulcet sounds of Mr. Deutsch’s voice? Do you have any aversion to bag-pipes? 5) Do you subscribe to the “whole-school” philosophy, or are you partial to “half-school,” or “quarter school”? 6) Will you be taking over the fourth floor teacher’s lounge? 7) Will you continue the tradition of high tea during homeroom? 8) Should the Rampage use spell-check? 9) Is it about time that the Yearbook was actually a Yearbook? 10) Are copy machines evil? Rabbi Grossman had beat some stiff competition before becoming head of school: 1) Mitt Romney: declined to run for president for the 3rd time when he heard there was a job opening at Ramaz. 2) Rabbi Josh Lookstein: he’s a Lookstein. Enough said. 3) Jacob Doft: who wouldn’t want to give up running a hedge fund to run Ramaz? 4) Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks: The obvious next step for Sir Sacks after being Chief Rabbi of the Commonwealth. And we hear Ramaz has a thing for Brits. 5) Mendy: why not?
Coach Dulny Investigated for Deflating Basketballs The Lady Rams’ run to their third straight championship hit a snag this past week when an anonymous source accused Coach Dulny of deflating basketballs during their semi-final win over HAFTR. The president of the MYHSAL has appointed a private investigator to review the game tape. However, even after reviewing the surveillance tapes, the private investigator could not reach a definitive conclusion as to what happened.
Manager of the Year Michael Leisman is outraged that people would accuse the team of foul play under his watch: “I’m the best manager in the league. No other team knows how to handle their basketballs the way I do. I’ve honed my practice over years of sitting on the bench and behind the scorer’s table, and I will do everything in my power to prove my team innocent.”
Family Reunion
By Eliana Doft ’16
To become a Talmud teacher at Ramaz, there is only one requirement: be related to Rabbi Genack of Englewood. Some applicants for the coveted teaching positions were caught forging documents from birth certificates to marriage contracts in order to prove some sort of relation. Once a year, the Ramaz Talmud Family Clan gathers together in Riverdale for a Purim Seudah cooked by master-chef, Rabbi Sklarin. Rabbi Gober also receives an invitation, but only because Rabbi Sklarin owed him for watching TV at his house all the time. This year, while the company was indeed holier than that of your average Purim Seudah, the conversation was as awkward as any classic family reunion. “So many people keep congratulating me on my ‘fig’ award, that I didn’t even bother correcting them,” complained Rabbi Sklarin. “If you think that’s awkward, try hearing ‘my,
how you’ve grown!’ from at least ten people!” replied Rabbi Stavsky. After the Seudah, the Rabbis engaged in some intense Talmudic learning. Important halachic questions were discussed such as, “Is it a case of zeh neheneh and zeh lo chaser if you let a kid without a tie off the hook?” or “If a student does not honor their Rabbis by giving them the first spot on the line, is it okay to cut them?” However, these discussions quickly turned competitive as Rabbi Schiowitz and Rabbi Stavsky got into a heated argument over which of the freshmen classes they were teaching had learned the most Rashis. In the end, Rabbi Sklarin saved the day by calming everyone down with some movie trailers on Youtube and some lollipops. And of course, no family reunion would complete without a picture in matching T-Shirts.
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WHERE’S DANNY FRIEDMAN?
Picture by Oren Oppenheim ’16
Newsflash Ben Rabinowitz ‘16 Recruited by Duke on Basketball Scholarship
BIC investigated for insider trading (Saba’s Pizza) Yearbook gets in trouble for spelling “yearbook” incorrectly, then spelling “students” incorrectly; end up printing 3 copies Edward Sasson ‘16 gets in trouble for dress code; green card expires, gets deported later that day Aaron Dahan ‘16 walks into school late, accidentally triggers lockdown drill
Kelenda confirms: North Korea behind constant crash of ramaz email servers
Dr. Jucovy “misremembers” earning Purple Heart while serving his country in Vietnam
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Purim 3
Humans of Ramaz Talks to Humans of 78th Street
By Oren Oppenheim ’16
Having run out of students, teachers, administrators, lunch servers, maintenance workers, and students’ pets to take pictures of for Humans of Ramaz, we recently decided to try our hand at some street photography by going out and asking random strangers about Ramaz issues. “They don’t always know what we’re talking about,” says Michael Low ’17, “But I think we could all benefit from some of their suggestions!” Here’s a sample of the new pictures starring NYC denizens that the page has featured.
What do you think of the new schedule? Do you miss D days? Should they bring them back?
Describe your least favorite thing about Ramaz. I know nothing about Ramaz, so, uh, I would have to say its name. Terrible SEO [search engine optimization]. I bet if you Google it, you’ll find all of this foreign stuff and weird pictures before you find the business at all. Also, I’m not a fan of words that take time to figure out how to pronounce. Is it Rah-mahz, or ray-maze, or Ram-a-zuh? If they hired me, I’d be able to rebrand them to make them globally known. The key is to stay away from bright colors and things like that.
New schedule? For me, the schedule’s been the same for the past, I don’t know, ten years. But I remember D-Day very well, and I think it’s a travesty that they aren’t commemorated anymore as they used to. If by “bring them back” you mean that we should honor those who fought valiantly that day, then I say “yessir!” Any school that weekly honored D-Day, for instance, should not get rid of that commemoration! If we forget our history, after all, we are doomed to repeat it, and I don’t want to go back to Normandy anytime soon!
Does Ramaz bribe its students with cookies too much? I want cookies! Mommy and Daddy always give me tasty cookies. My favorite is chocolate chip! Can you give me one? Since you’re gonna take my picture and put it on the internet? So it can be seen by millions?
By DJ Presser ’16
Lockdown for Privacy
At the start of the year, following extensive conversations with the faculty, the administration decided to introduce a new “lockdown drill.” While the administration’s concerns seem to be centered around safety, the purpose of this new procedure is clearly not so simple. Faculty members were complaining about walking in on students too often. The implementation of the lockdown drill was deemed the only solution, as the administration realized it would benefit everybody involved. This conflict dates back many years in Ramaz history. However, 2015’s introduction of the lockdown drill is the school’s first clear attempt to fix the situation. It seems as though the administration has had enough of the faculty complaints and is all-in to form a solution. Many teachers rejoiced as the dilemma was finally put to rest. “I was sick and tired of walking in on kids’ heart-to-hearts in the hallways; I’m just happy that they have finally figured something out,” said Dr. Sclar. For those who have not used the procedure yet, or even familiarized themselves with it, the whole process is quite simple. Any two students who wish to spend time privately in order to have a hearth-to-heart can
go into any classroom, close both the window and door shades, lock the door with the new and improved “special” lock, and speak in the designated safe spot, easily identifiable in every classroom with a neon, laminated sign. Faculty members are not the only ones relieved; many students have expressed their appreciation for this great implementation as well. “I’m ecstatic that the school has finally realized that I prefer to not be disturbed while I am trying to pour out my heart to my best girl friend(s) in the stair cases. And I’m also tired of teachers catching me venting to different girls all on the same day,” explained Daniel Dishi `15. Rabbi Stochel explains the reasoning for the installment of the drill, “I actually walked in on students for the first time at the end of the year. They were talking about a very sensitive subject, and I felt very awkward. As a result, I decided that we as an administration needed to start taking some suggestions from the faculty for a solution.” He continues to express his happiness regarding the lockdown drill’s success, “I think that we did a fairly good job in teaching the students the exact proper procedure. I have not heard of any ‘walk ins’ since the new procedure has been
implemented.” One can see that the plan was thought out carefully to specifically send these students into individual, private classrooms. Most areas of the school are under surveillance. However classrooms are excluded from the list of camera locations. Considering the instructions for the system, students are given this “safe haven” away from the camera and the faculty to have their private time. “When kids are up on the eighth floor, we can see them on our video monitors,” explained Dwight Johnson, one of the school’s security guards. “Now that the school has turned the students’ locations from the staircases to the classrooms, we are no longer subject to intruding on the students during their private activities. I think all of the security guards are pretty happy about this improvement.” “I’m actually surprised at how effective this procedure has been at keeping kids away from C and the 8th floor,” explained Mr. Shaviv.
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PM Netanyahu to Speak Before GO: Ms. Benel Not Consulted in Advance
Ramaz students are accustomed to visits from international dignitaries—from Chief Rabbis, to former NFL stars, to the finest Jewish studies scholars who are willing to “friend” Rabbi Sklarin on Facebook. Thus it seemed perfectly normal at first when it was announced that Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, would be addressing a session of the GO. Controversy soon arose, however, when it became apparent that the GO had offered the invitation with-
out consulting with Ms. Benel first. “The protocol is clear,” Rabbi Pianko said in a press conference. “No foreign leaders should be coming to Ramaz without going through Ms. Benel.” According to Joseph Cohen, however the GO is perfectly within its rights to solicit visits from world leaders on matters of importance to Ramaz students. “Netanyahu is coming to discuss the threat to Israel posed by Lebanon’s Humus industry. If that’s not important, I don’t know what is.”
Where’s Danny Friedman: Answers to picture on page 2
March 2014/Adar 5775
Winter Holiday Dilemma
By Oren Oppenheim ’16
On December 25th, most Jews were going to a movie and getting some Chinese takeout, but it seemed like most Ramaz students were doing something a bit different. The school’s watchdog spy account, Ramaz Ram, counted no less than 240 instances of selfies or group pictures with students standing in front of Christmas trees. Only four Chanukah-themed pictures posted by students were found, two of which were Dynnor “Remember [How To Spell] My Name” Shebshaievitz’s ’16’s paintings and two of which were Jill Adler ’15’s dreidel cookies. “We had an incredible Chri—I mean, Chanukah party at my house,” said Michelle Kvital ’17, correcting herself quickly. “I mean, after all the eggnog, no one could distinguish between me and my sister—but that was part of the fun!” Students could be overheard in the hallways excitedly discussing what “De Blasio” got them for the holiday, a possible stand-in for Santa Claus since most students don’t really believe in either of them. “Ramaz’s mission statement includes its commitment to menschlichkeit,” said Rabbi Stochel, “And a
key part of menschlichkeit is keeping ourselves open to try out other cultures.” He said, while taking a bite of his reindeer-shaped cookie, “While we must remain Jewish, there’s no harm in being curious about Xmas.” Rabbi Weiser echoed Rabbi Stochel’s sentiments, saying that taking on some Christian customs could be a way to help curtail anti-Semitism. Ramaz’s non-Jewish teachers had mixed feelings about the school’s turn towards Christmas. “I like Christmas as much as the next person,” Mr. Luppinacci said. “But my Hebrew keeps getting better and better; this is going to set me back by a few milim.” It was overheard that some of the other gentile teachers were forming a committee to #FreeChanukah and to #ReturnTheLatkes. What’s next for Ramaz’s fling with Christian holidays? Ms. Weinstein thinks she may have an idea. “I was teaching my class about the trial of Yirmiyahu,” she said, “Which I always connect to the trials of Socrates and Jesus. And well, while we’re talking about Jesus, it’s an easy segue into talking about his Bar Mitzvah.”
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By Gabriel Klapholz ‘17
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Purim 5
When the Teachers Go to Lunch
Last week, hungry students eager for some piping hot lunch were locked out of the lunchroom for 30 minutes while they waited for the faculty to finish eating. Students banged on the door, demanding food. To everyone’s great relief, Mendy was there to throw the crowd of students some delicious pizza. Finally, students were allowed into the lunchroom. Upon entering, they found that all of the pizza had been devoured by the faculty. “It’s okay,” said Jacob Smigel ’17. “My dad packed me fourteen extra large meat sandwiches from his store.” He continued, “Shhhh! Don’t tell
anyone…” It turns out that the English department had become overexcited at the sight of all the pizza. They had taken most of the pizza trays out of the lunchroom, hiding individual slices in teacher’s desks. “The prank was not funny,” said Mr. Deutsch, after finding a glob of tomato sauce and cheese in his desk. Rumor has it that the prank ruined Mr. Deutsch’s cheetah scarf and Fez. “Now I have half a classroom and half a wardrobe – thanks, Dr. Milowitz!” It is not uncommon to see teachers dominate the lunch line. Some Spanish teachers even
grace the kitchen staff with their language skills to get food before students. “But when I try to cut the line, I just get yelled at,” said Aaron Dahan ’16. A group of juniors were infuriated to find out that they wouldn’t be receiving lunch until 25 minutes into the period. “We have Bekiut!” they cried. Rabbi Kleinberg commented that “there are no excuses from Bekiut - none whatsoever.”
Ramaz vs. Frisch Game Turns Violent
By Gabriel Klapholz ’17
When the star player on the Ramaz varsity basketball team hit a buzzer beater last week in a playoff game at Frisch, he turned around expecting to see his teammates rushing towards him to celebrate the victory. Instead, he found himself being charged by an angry mob of Frisch students. While the details of the brawl are still under debate, it is clear that there is a much larger issue here. Are Frisch students insecure that Ramaz is a harder, more rigorous school AND has better sports teams? It is difficult to understand why Frisch feels so hurt and ashamed. After all, they represent one of the
highest-ranking safety schools in the tri-state area, right below SAR in the National Yeshivas of Safety and Academic Incompetence Study, also called NYSAIS. Thankfully, NYSAIS omitted Ramaz from the list, seeing how little sleep the students receive. “No sleep means that you cannot be included on this list,” said the NYSAIS Commissioner, Rabbi Aryeh Stechler. “I am sorry,” he said, “you just don’t qualify as a safety school.” Ramaz prides itself on the fact that NYSAIS passed over our school. “It’s like Pesach Shlishi! We have been passed over!” said Rabbi Weiser,
Food Lovers Review: Shake Shack
By Tess Solomon ’16 and Eliana Doft ’16 This week your local foodies decided to reevaluate an old favorite, since surprisingly, neither of us had ever ate there. Ramaz students are known to flock to the heart of the Upper East Side, 86th street, to wait on the hourslong line at Shake Shack. “Going to the shack,” as they say. We searched everywhere for a hashgacha when we walked in. We assumed it just fell off. We were a little confused when we saw the menu, though. There were some dishes we’d never heard of. What is a “cheeseburger”? “Bacon”? We decided to give these new things a try. We ordered and then sat down to wait. We wondered where all of the kipahs were. This wasn’t the crowd we
were used to. Since it was Friday afternoon, we wished someone a good Shabbos, but they got really confused and walked away. Our food came shortly, staying true to the nature of “fast food.” We were shocked that this is what we’ve been missing. It was so good; we needed to figure out the recipe so that we could replicate it at home. We walked up to the counter, and asked for the secret ingredient. The answer shocked us to the core, and made our ancestors turn in their graves. We ran down the block to KJ, where we asked if Jews had an equivalent to Catholic confession. Forgive us, Rabbi Weiser, for we have sinned.
after which he danced and sang for so long that he had to sit down with Dr. Zeitchik to get rid of his condition of PTSD, Persistent Timeless Simcha Dancing. After returning from the basketball game, Nurse Nechama handed out Band-Aids to all of the injured Ramaz students, wishing each student a “refuah shelema.” The basket is now being called “The Shot Heard ’Round the Immediate Area of Frisch and Paramus, New Jersey.”
The Two Joco’s
By Louise Sitt ’18
The Ramaz High School is blessed to have two outstanding students by the name of Joco in the school. One is a senior, and one is a freshman. Rampage was able to catch them for a few minutes in between classes to answer pose questions for our readers:
Freshman: February. I wish Jocolicous January could last forever. Senior: When people listen to goyeshe music! Oy va voy.
If you had to give one piece of advice to a Ramaz student, what would it be?
Freshman: Health with Ms. Axel. She is swag. Senior: Hebrew, talmud, or Mr. Greene’s class, what a mench!
Freshman: Get girls, or die tryin’ Senior: Go to talmud clinic. You can learn lots! What is your favorite quote? Freshman: “You’re life is the biggest business you’ll ever be CEO of ” Senior: “Let’s learn torah” What is something you say often and try to live by? Freshman: Everyday above ground is a good day Senior: Keep the windows open! What is your biggest pet peeve/ what is something that bothers you?
What is your favorite subject in school?
What is something amazing you have done thus far in your life? Freshman: I got sick of class, so I started making classics. Senior: I was the chazzan for mincha. What is your favorite song right now? Freshman: “I’m in love with the COCO” Senior: “Rabbi Nachman!” What is one last thing you would like to say to the readers? Freshman: Lets get this money, yo. Senior: Got to run.
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Snapchat Cancels Ramaz Geofilter
By Elianna Schwartz ’17
The Snapchat Geofilter took Ramaz by storm. It started with the freshmen girls and quickly extended to the rest of the school. At any given moment, one could see on average eleven kids in one hallway taking a Snapchat “selfie” and inserting the infamous Ramaz Geofilter logo. In the lounges, there were far too many Snapchats “selfies” taking place to count. The Geofilter, a relatively new Snapchat innovation, is a special overlay for “Snaps” that can only be accessed in certain locations. Ramaz was privileged to be one of those special locations. When asked about her favorite aspect as a freshman in school, Melissa Adler ’18 proudly answered, “Definitely the Snapchat Geofilter. After taking a killer test, snapping a quick “selfie” and adding the Geofilter reminds me that the hard work is worth it.” The
Geofilter has become somewhat of a staple in Ramaz. Emily Weissman ’18 feels that it has earned bragging rights for the school. She exclaimed, “Have you seen SAR’s Geofilter?! I mean, come on!”
The Geofilter had really lifted the morale of the students, so you can imagine the shock and outrage the students experienced when they found out Snapchat canceled the Ramaz Geofilter
due to over-usage. Sarah Issever ’18 said, “It is one of the most depressing days of my life.” One can imagine the look of horror on the freshmen girls faces while sitting in the lounge first thing after davening, getting ready to snap their first Snapchat of the day, sliding the screen to access the Geofilter, and realizing it was gone. Dylan Modlin ’18 said, “Is there really any reason to come to school anymore?” Jonny Povman ’18, self-proclaimed “Selfie King” really took the cancellation to heart. He has been absent ever since, as he explained, “I honestly have no incentive to wake up in the morning. The Geofilter is what kept me going throughout the day… I feel like there is nothing left for me in school.”
Kanye West Disrupts Debate Awards Ceremony While students at the Yeshiva of Flatbush Debate Tournament were at first excited by the presence of Kanye West, that excitement soon turned to confusion, disappointment and a little gassiness when, during the presentation of the 2nd Place Team Trophy to Max Deutsch and Gabe Silverman, Kanye West jumped on the stage and proclaimed that the trophy really should have gone to Beyonce. Although West left to taunt some others before anyone could question him, a spokesman for Beyonce reported that she was neither a debater, nor a debating team, nor did she attend a yeshiva.
Ramaz Hires New Defense Against the Dark Arts Instructor After shaking things up last semester with news that Mr. Paul Shaviv, who had been brought in three years ago to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, would be returning to Hogwarts, Ramaz has announced the hiring of a new instructor, Rabbi Eric Grossman. Rabbi Grossman comes to Ramaz from The Frankel Academy of Prestidigitation in West Bloomfield Hills, Minnesota (which is how people in New York pronounce “Michigan.”). After the last few years, in which several Ramaz faculty and staff had suffered assorted mystical mishaps, the feeling was that our magical defenses needed to move in a new direction. While we will be sad to see Mr. Shaviv go, our loss is Slytherin’s gain.
Things Ramaz Kids Never Do 1. Play lacrosse 2. Go to bed earlier than midnight 3. Join fewer than 15 clubs 4. Have a higher GPA in Judaic Studies than in General Studies 5. Tuck in the back of their shirts
6. Write their own history papers 7. Own a phone that’s not the latest version of the iPhone 8. Miss Serafina/Starbucks in the morning 9. Start work earlier than 10 PM 10. Go to mincha
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Purim 7
American Revolution II Created As a Response to New Schedule
By Oren Oppenheim ’16
Keep your ears open in the hallways. You may hear rumors of a revolt against the school. Students are passing out secret flyers begging others to join their cause. Classes are grinding to a halt as teachers are bombarded by requests to watch YouTube videos. The lunchroom is actually being cleaned up by everyone instead of just by the people on lunch duty. What in the world has turned this school upside down? “The Second American Revolution!” said Aliza Oppenheim ’16. “American Revolution II will change the Ramaz student body from the administration’s colonies to its own United States!” What has spurred this new revolution? The same thing that spurred American Revolution I: taxes. Only this time, it’s in a different sense. “The new schedule is just like taxes,” explains Meir Lesches ’17. “It’s so taxing on us to have to learn a new schedule after having just gotten used to the last one on the last day of last year. And it feels like
I’m paying with my sanity when I have to brave fifty-minute Friday periods.” (Some alumni interviewed by RamPage wondered how the sophomore had gotten used to the schedule at all when they had never understood it themselves. Alumnus Edan Tamler even wrote a song entitled “Ani Lo Mevin Ha-A-B-CD-X-Y!”) The last straw was when the administration took away one too many B4 periods with an assembly on the 2015 elections (“I stopped following politics when Joe Lhota lost,” complained Jaclyn Wildes ’18). Then the student body started to unite in rebellion. Originally the students wanted to call the revolt French Revolution II, after the bloody period in France in
the late 1700s, but were dissuaded by Ms. Newman. “Look, I love to hate Robespierre as much as the next person,” she said, “But that revolution got pretty messy. I think
we should stick to one that was a bit more successful and that had less guillotining.” A few students from the woodworking club glanced at each other as she said this, then quickly ran to check that their makeshift guillotine (created from balsa wood, pilfered toilet paper,
and plastic knives) was safe. The school is fighting back in the best way it knows how: fire drills. When the alarm goes off, the ensuing traffic jams on the stairwells ensure that no revolutionary acts can be committed. “I always wondered why the school constantly wanted us to do fire drills every single week, and sometimes twice in one week,” said Gaby Stemp ’15 as she shivered in the cold on Park Avenue after an alarm went off. “Now I get it: it’s to make sure we don’t have a chance to plan our revolution, or maybe even so that we call it off, because we’re just so cold! It’s negative two degrees!” However, the school’s tactic may backfire on them. “These drills are our own Valley Forge,” said history major Max Deutsch ’16. “By getting through the cold together, we’ll become stronger and turn our ‘student militia’ into a real army!”