To help support your children’s mental health as part of our Middle School’s Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) program, throughout the school year I will share with you the psychological issues our students commonly face and offer strategies to help them navigate these challenges.
— Atara J. Berliner, Ph.D. Director of Guidance and Learning Center
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
Yaacov’s name change to Yisrael has much to teach us about how we see ourselves and the way we communicate as we grow and change. In Parashat Vayishlach, Yaacov wrestles with a mysterious “man” (angel?) who renames him “Yisrael” – “for he struggled with God and man, and prevailed.”
What did Yaacov do to warrant a name change?
We gain a bit of insight from the previous Parasha, Vayetze, when Esav learns that Jacob impersonated him to get Esav’s birthright and blessings. Esav cries out, “That’s why his name is Yaacov!” Eikev means “heel,” and we know Yaacov was born grabbing on to Esav’s heel. Esav concludes, “Vayakveni zeh pa’amayim.” Just what does he mean when he says “akveni”? Because he heeled me twice?
Perhaps, posits Rabbi David Fohrman, founder and lead scholar of the Torah media company, Aleph Beta, it means “he bent around me;” instead of confronting me, Yaacov was circuitous. The heel is a part of the body that curves; it is not straight. So, Yaacov wasn’t straight with me. First, he took my birthright, and now, he has taken my blessing.
In later years, however, Yaacov alters his approach. After leaving Lavan’s house, he makes a risky choice and initiates direct contact with Esav, from whom he fled years ago. Instead of avoiding Esav, Yaacov seeks a meeting to find favor, “chen,” in Esav’s eyes. Further observes Rabbi Fohrman, the word “panim,” “face,” recurs: at the very beginning of the Parasha, Yaacov sends messengers “before his face,” literally to Esav, his brother. When he sends the gifts to Esav, Yaacov says, “Perhaps I can find forgiveness before his face.” Now we understand the logic of renaming him Yisrael “because you have struggled with men and
with God and you have survived the encounter.” How does one struggle? One struggles face to face. No longer is Yaacov roundabout in his interactions; he now faces Esav directly.
Clearly, Yaacov’s personal transformation to Yisrael gives him newfound ability to confront his brother directly and try to make amends.
Children, like adults, often struggle to articulate their true feelings, resorting to the same patterns of communication that may result in frustration and misunderstandings, or passive-aggressive communication, which sabotages honest, productive conversations. Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings, such as anger or annoyance, indirectly instead of directly.
Passive-aggression enables us to avoid active confrontation. On the surface, we may claim we are fine, even when we are indeed angry, or ignore someone and then deny something is wrong. We may try to protect ourselves by saying, “just kidding” after leveling an insult.
Teaching direct and assertive communication is a powerful and important tool for all of us. For early adolescents, it is crucial. There is great emphasis placed on the positive benefits of assertive communication and listening—being honest, direct and respectful.
Below are some of the strategies to help your child foster more direct, developmentally appropriate language:
Remain Calm
If you respond with anger, it will escalate the situation. Instead, if you feel goaded, take a breath and then return to the conversation.
Address the Issue as Soon as Possible
The whole point of passive-aggressive behavior is to avoid direct communication, so raise the issue as soon as feasible.
Be Assertive, Clear, and Direct
Be objective and straightforward. At Ramaz, our Early Childhood, Second Step, Lower, and Middle School Character Strong programs break down communication styles, at developmentally appropriate levels, into:
Passive: instead of telling your friend you don’t like the nickname you are being given, you laugh and say it’s fine;
Aggressive: you force or bully the other person into your point of view;
Assertive: when a friend gives you a nickname you don’t like, you explain how it makes you feel and ask him/her to call you by your actual name, using “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements. This reduces the likelihood of your friend feeling defensive.
Offer to Problem-Solve Together
Often, passive-aggressive people feel they don’t have a voice or aren’t being heard by others. By inviting collaboration to find a solution, you help the relationship.
We can all aspire to remember in our dealings with others, as Hasidic master Rabbi Nachman of Breslov advised: “Hadibur hu Cli Hashefa Shebahem M’kablin Hashefa”—“Speech is the vessel with which we receive the flow of blessings.”