Motherhood Today

Growing up for me was the best era of my life; if you want to compare being a kid, to being an adult. I watched my mother and grandmother cook while I practice piano. My grandmother was a domestic worker. Every summer, beginning at age 8, I would go to work with her. I developed a strong work ethic early in life. I learned what it meant to work, responsibilities of work and the rewards of working. And not just getting paid. That was NICE!! But working gives you a sense of pride and builds confidence, it teaches and enables you to be self-sufficient, while providing for your family. I discovered at 8-years old that I liked that and now an adult, I liked not having to depend on others for my basic needs and

those of my children. This comes with a price, but well worth it in the end.

FROM REBIRTH CELEBRATING AFRICAN-AMERICAN MOTHERS

Of course, growing up in the 70s 80s was so much different from now. But why, let me continue. My family wasn't rich, but we weren't poor either. To everyone outside Mr. Paul and Miss Mabel had it go-

ing on.

We lived in a brick house on the hill, we had electricity, running water, and our yard was fenced tionately known by all the neighbors) was a local Minister and reyard under the pecan tree that gracefully provided shade over the back stoop. Nana aka Miss. Mable was no nonsense and very meticulous in every way. She was a Deaconess at the church and sang in the Senior Choir, that girl was BADD!! My mom didn't live in the house in.

Daddy (Mr. Paul as he was affec-

the city and on weekends they would come out in the country and we'd all go to church together as a family. That was a major part of my upbringing. Our family life was centered around our faith in God; a

missing ingredient in today's family formula. We had a healthy balance of church and family. Now to compare my childhood with that of others would be unfair. Why? Not all children grow up in healthy environcommunity and surrounding neighborhoods that were in similar families to mine. But, I was extremely blessed and somewhat of a very privileged child. And to be black in the South made us far removed from what was normal for others. This was at a time when we were just beginning to know and

the south.

I was born in 1970, 15 years since the Supreme Court handed down Brown v. Board of Education which ‘til this day is still described as the

day that launched the modern Civil Rights Movement. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. died April 4,1968 at the

St Joseph's Hospital in Memphis Tennessee just two years before I was born. That was a time when we

He built us a swing in the back ments. Plus there were others in our

were proud to be black or to be a

was the ultimate BOSS LADY!!

She

negro. Malcolm X died February 21,1965 at the Audubon Ballroom in the Washington Heights neighborhood Manhattan, New York City, 5 years before I was born. In 1966 the biggest movement in the African American Community at large was born, the Black Panther Party for self-defense in Oakland California by Huey Newton and Bobby Seale,

trol African American neighborhoods and protect residents from police brutality. And in 1968 the first African American woman was elected to the US Congress representing New York's 12th congressional district Shirley Chisolm.

This landscape set up the next generation for the greatest possible future we could have. Our parents were in support of the political landscape of blacks in Congress, City Council, School Boards, and in Community Affairs; and yes with the hopes of one day seeing someone like Barack and Michelle Obama, who look like us, gracing the finest house in the nation with their pres-

ence, the White House as the first elected African-American president and first lady of USA. Nevertheless. my childhood was both a fascinating

and challenging time. I didn't even experience racism however as we know it to be, until years later after I went to college. Whites in our neighborhood were in support of black movements and black events more than one would expect. Why is this important and what does this have to do with motherhood today well I'm glad you asked. that we tend to forget where we've come from. But the real point of this Here’s a page from my book. My article is to help us understand what is going on with our children and usually ends at midnight. I am a how we as mothers today can become whole. What does this really ministrator, entrepreneur, mother mean?

As I was preparing to write this arti-

cle at first, I couldn't decide what aspect I wanted to explore. I began my research and popping up right before my very eyes was already in my spirit . Why is parenting so difficult today 20 to 30 years ago? According to Motherly, a publication redefining motherhood, 88% of parents say being a parent is harder than ever. On one hand there are those people trying to be the ‘perfect parents”, as if that’s possible. . They limit the amount of TV game time, they only use organic ingredients when cooking, no sugar, no salt, vigorous school schedules, Luvs vs. Huggies, the perfect car seat, the perfect day care, ABC Mouse, no cartoons, no milk products, it's crazy! On the other hand, children do what they want to do, play games until 1 a.m., stay home alone and the list goes on and on. weekdays begin at 5:30 a.m. and school teacher, minister, church adof 3 male children daughter of aging parents and going through my second divorce. My eldest child lives in Queens New York, while my two younger children ages 12-13 play football and basketball. My NBA bound child is my hard core gamer and also the church drummer. My

NFL bound child is my outdoorsman

and lover of animals.

I work mostly with middle School aged children. My schedule is tight, packed

parents. Most times I don't even

that children get to watch, they limit stand why parenting is hard. Life in

with work, after school activities, church functions, meetings, and my find time for myself. So I can undergeneral is hard, but let's dig a little deeper.

According to a BPI Network survey of 2,000 parents in the United States and Canada, the leading reasons parenting feels harder than ever include: social media distractions, challenges with two working parents.

emotional or behavioral dysfunction, peer competition or bullying, and violence and safety concerns in schools. "Parental burnout is a state of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion," says Neil D. Brown, LCSW, author of Ending The Parent-

Teen Control Battle. "It leaves parents feeling chronically fatigued… and it can lead to depression, chronic anxiety and illness." "It is staggering to look at the incidence of [parental burnout] symptoms among working parents in America and understand the implications this has for added employee burden, cost, concern and downtime," Murray says, adding that counseling services to promote healthy parenting should "certainly" be among the benefits employers look to offer. He continues saying that while employers have a stake in addressing this issue, there's also a starting by cutting ourselves a break research has shown, the more grace we give ourselves and others in the ways we parent, the less prone we ultimately are to burning out. In the article Why Parenting Has Gotten More Difficult by Anna Suth-

that “Only in recent decades has be-

coming a parent truly been a choice.

For most of history, it was a given: You were a child, you grew up, you sleep, how to potty-train her, at

got married, you had kids, you grew old, you died. Now the "having kids" stage is totally optional (even if a stigma is still attached to declining or not being able to do so). And the downsides of our choices seem to weigh more heavily on us than the trast parenting with, say, working. For most Americans, having a job is not an option: it is a necessity. You may find work boring, frustrating, or exhausting, but it's unavoidable. Its downsides are just about universal, and when you complain about work, you know that most of the human race could make similar complaints. The proliferation of parenting philosophies, health guidelines, educational options, and more. Being a parent today doesn't just mean having a baby and raising him or her to become a reasonably healthy, literate adult. From the positive pregnancy test onward, it means navigating a dizzying array of contradicwhat to eat and avoid during pregaccept during childbirth, whether or not to let your infant cry himself to what age he should enter kindergarten, whether and how to pass on your religious faith to her, at what age he can stay home alone, how

much time she should spend watch-

downsides of inevitabilities. Con-

ing TV, exercising, reading. . .”

lot that individuals can do—like on self-imposed expectations. As

Sutherland continues, “There was a time when mothers just did things the way their own mothers did, and that was that. There are plenty of

downsides to that kind of cultural environment, but I’d imagine that

tory advice on just about everything: mately, I’m glad that we live in an one huge upside is that you don’t burn up half your mental energy questioning everything you do. Ulti-

from tradition and do things our own way. But I have to draw the line somewhere, and I’m drawing the line with our fairy traditions.” I agree with Ms. Sutherland here: “Of course parents should put some thought into how they feed, educate, and raise their kids, even if today's multiplicity of choices means those decisions are harder to make than they were for previous generations. Maybe the best option is simply to realize that most parents really are trying to do what's best for their kids, and to extend a little more grace to the parents who raise their kids differently than you raise yours. In Motherhood Today, the article titled Tougher Chalthe following: “From managing busy schedules to dealing with outside influences, mothers have their hands full these days. There is broad agreement among the public that it is harder to be a parent today – especially a mother – than it was in the 1970s or 1980s. Fully 70% of the public says it is more difficult to be a mother today than it was 20 or 30 years ago, while somewhat fewer (60%) say the same about being a father.” A national survey by the Pew Research Center, conducted Feb.16-March 14 among 2,020 Americans, finds a widespread belief that today’s parents are not measuring up to the standard that parents set a generation ago.

Mothers are seen as having the more difficult job, but they are also judged more harshly than are fathers. More than half of Americans (56%) say that mothers are doing a worse job today than mothers did 20 or 30

years ago. By comparison, somewhat fewer people (47%) say fathers are doing a worse job than fathers did

20 or 30 years ago. Beyond societal influences, other perceived challenges

lenges, Less Success, Mom's Biggest Critics are Middle-

Aged Womenhttps://www.pewresearch.org/ states mother. My ex-mother-in-law (who had 4 kids)

in raising children include teaching morals and values, maintaining discipline, handling the financial aspects of childrearing, and dealing with the educational system. The views of mothers and fathers are similar when it comes to the challenges parents face today. Societal factors – including drugs and alcohol, peer pressure, and entertainment media – are the top concern for mothers and fathers alike. One mother writes, When I was born, my grandmother flew from Texas to California to stay with my mother for a week to take care of me, my older sister, and my

MEET THE LADIES OF FROM TRANSITION TO

TRANSFORMATION: THE PROJECT

TOP ROW: SADIEMAE DEAS, MYIA MOBLEY 2ND ROW: CARIS L. REED, ALYSSIA JOHNSON, SAMANTHA WHITE AND CONSUELO BRYANT 3RD ROW: LEKIDA P. HRIAM, IVONNE F. CAMERON, TASHIA BENSN AND LYNNE MIFFLIN BOTTOM ROW: BRITTANNEE SLACK

also told me how each time she had a child, her mother-in-law would take her kids for a week so she could bond with her new child and get the rest she needed. And I’ve heard this type of treatment wasn’t requested, it was assumed. This is what a lot of parents did, without question.

Moms today give birth, come home from the hospital lunches and getting their other kids ready for school. Moms today try to squeeze in as much time as they can with their kids before they have to go back to work. Moms today have parents who are more consumed with their own lives — working, traveling, or dating — and don’t have the time to simply come stay with you for a week after you’ve given birth. As Dr. Harvey Karp said, “No woman has ever had to do as much, on her own, as the modern mother. We don’t have the same family structure or the same neighborhood structure anymore…It’s really hard, and every woman needs to give herself a break.” None of that means that the generations before us didn’t have a difficult time. It means things are different, especially the expectations we put on ourselves to build our career, keep up with our kids’ activities, and be the person who oversees it all for our family. Throw in the pressure of everyone else watching and judging, and you are left with feeling like you need to do more without help. It all feels impossible. Not to mention, it’s making mothers feel alone and isolated. Many women don’t have the supportive village my mom talks about. There’s not as much playing in the street and coming home when the street light comes on. Long gone are the afternoons and evenings dedicated to family time. Now we are driving to sporting events, working extra hours to afford said events, wordon’t forget self-care!”

the next day, and are back in action right away, making What I'm going to say next going to sound racist. It's

rying about work projects and deadlines — oh, and going to sound as my kids would say like I'm Throwing

Shade.

No race of people is superior over another. However, excuse me, there are strengths that come with being Jewish women and Black women, that some of our more delicate white sisters do not

possess.

Be mindful that here in this passage we are referring to women of color. Here are biblical and his-

torical truths to support my stance. So don't hate the

messenger. In Exodus 1:7-19 (KJV) you find the follow-

ing: And the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased

abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them. Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which knew not Joseph. And he said unto his people, Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we: Come on, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us, and so get them up out of the land. Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens. And they built for Pharaoh treasure cities, Pithom and Raamses.

plied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel. And the Egyptians made the children it be a daughter, then she shall live. But the midwives feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt command-

of Israel to serve with rigour: And they made their lives ed them, but saved the men children alive. And the king

bitter with hard bondage, in morter, and in brick, and in

of Egypt called for the midwives, and said unto them,

all manner of service in the field: all their service, wherein they made them serve, was with rigour. And Why have ye done this thing, and have saved the men children alive? And the midwives said unto Pharaoh,

the king of Egypt spake to the Hebrew midwives, of Because the Hebrew women are not as the Egyptian

which the name of the one was Shiphrah, and the name women; for they are lively, and are delivered ere the of the other Puah: And he said, When ye do the office of a midwife to the Hebrew women, and see them upmidwives come in unto them.

And...

In Africa, the woman's primary so- could usually expect more food and ed on top of her usual duties. For

cial role was that of a mother. In slavery, this aspect of African womanhood was debased. Whereas childbirth in Africa was a rite of pasfewer working hours. Because proven fertility made her more valuable

the love of their children, slave mothers often chose to stay in to her owner, she was also less likely bondage, while their male counterto be sold away from friends and parts attempted escape. The female

sage for women that earned them family.

increased respect, within the AmeriOf course, the burdens, both physi-

can plantation system that develcal as well as psychological, that

oped by the mid-eighteenth century, came with childbearing were enor-

it was an economic advantage for mous for enslaved women. She was

the master, who multiplied his labor expected to put the needs of the

force through slave pregnancy. The master and his family before her

average enslaved woman at this own children, the slave mother on a

time gave birth to her first child at large plantation returned to the

nineteen years old, and thereafter, fields soon after giving birth, leaving

bore one child every two and a half her child to be raised by others. On

years. This cycle, encouraged by the a smaller farm, the slave's mother-

master, was not without benefits to ing responsibilities were simply add-

the mother. While pregnant, she slave was, moreover, faced with the prospect of being forced into sexual relationships for the purposes of reproduction. Perhaps more harrowing, she might be witness to her daughters suffering the same fate.

Whenever possible, black slave women manipulated their unique circumstances in the struggle for their personal dignity and that of their families. As often as black men, black women rebelled against the inhumanities of slave owners.

Africa, most slave women took their motherhood seriously. They put their responsibilities for their children before their own safety and freedom, provided for children not their own, and gave love even to those babies born from violence. For their experience and knowledge as caregivers, elderly women were among the most revered slaves on Southern plantations. For enslaved men, escape to freedom was the most promising avenue for preservhumanity. For the slave woman, faced with the double onus of being black and female and the added burden of dependent children, womanhood and personhood were easier gained within the slave community. For the African American mother to job and privilege of raising children

hood you may be in-expectant, is vast but ordained by God. Though working, single co-parenting or dichallenging and heart wrenching at times; motherhood is still a beautiful thing, to hold that tiny human being in your arms for the first time is truly a gift from God. My grandmother for whom Nana's Girls' Foundation is named, suffered four miscarriages. Unable to carry a baby full term and experience giving within her family and my aunt Lillie from within my granddaddy’s family. The raised two very special and erhood does not go without its ups and downs. So we here at Rebirth of the Total Woman have put together a gift to you this Mother's vorced, maybe you even adoptive, there is something for you. Our prayer and goal is to help you be-

come the best mother you can be, by becoming the best you, you can

be. "As mothers we give birth, we pro-

ing masculine identity and individual birth, they adopted my mom from

beautiful women.

Although mothduce life. In the natural, the crowning portion of birth is the most painful, but we push our way and deliver. Great women, reclaim dreams, unfulfilled destiny or find your pur-

pose.

Push and believe in yourself and your God given potential. You are a miracle, designed for great-

ness!" Rev. Dr. Rene Minter

Make you a priority in YOUR own life. Remember

Make a ‘Gratitude List.’ Every time you find yourself

you are the bedrock and the glue that holds your family

together.

When you take care of YOU by default you are taking care of your family while teaching your daughter the importance of taking care of herself when she becomes a mom. allows you to connect and maintain relationships with interruptions or respond to any ‘mommy calls’ when break. thing that makes your heart sing. 4. Take time to appreciate your surroundings (nature’s the run for her, but about the scenery she takes in and breathe in its freshness. complaining about something or in a bad mood, write a Gratitude List of at least ten (10) things you are grateful for.

It helps you to refocus your heart and mind.

6. Speak positivity into your life daily.

I have always been told that life and death is in the power of the tongue, so speak life into and over yourself. Whenever

2. Create a Sisterhood of friends that you can hang out

with once a month. It will give you that much needed tell her that I love her a minimum of ten (10) times. It

break to just be a girl and to have fund while doing it. It gives me a change to appreciate and love on the wom-

other women who value you as a sister-friend. an looking back at me in the mirror.

Make your bathroom time SACRED. Don’t allow any 7. Write daily affirmation and read them out loud to

yourself. Daily affirmations empower and motivate us

you are in the bathroom. Respect your time and your

downtown. Just like at work, even a Mom needs a

I am not loving me, I look at my face I the mirror and to accomplish goals and/or make our dreams come true. It is best to put them on a sticky note and place them where you can see them and read them out loud

Allow for “Creative Time,’ either daily or weekto yourself daily (and several times a day to keep you

Do something that allows your inner creative-side to come out. Discover what excites and ignites your It can be writing, cooking, sewing, doing crafts, taking a drive, gardening, singing, etc. It must be some-

8. Give yourself a break, so what you messed up or you made a poor choice! Realize that it is through failure that growth happens and purpose is revealed. Forgive

beauty). I have a friend who runs daily. It isn’t about motivated and focused). yourself for the part you played and forgive others for

while running. She is able to see the beauty of nature the part they played, and then put it in the rearview mirror of your life! Give yourself permission to let it go

and move past it.

It may be the very thing that forces

you to make much needed changes in your life.

Choose a night of the week that works best for your family and have a “Family Game Night.” It allows everyone to have fun, blow off some steam and laugh. Allow everyone to have feedback on what the game night will consist of and in the planning of it. It will bring you closer as a family and leave you with some wonderful memories when your children grow up and move out. 10. As you can see the last tip is focused on interacting 5 Mental Health Tips for Moms It is impossible to pour into someone else if your cup is empty!! As women we often wear many

The key to this is take care of you so you can take care of them. You are an individual who had a life before raising kids and will have one after raising kids. Don’t loose yourself while being a Mom it is only a part of who you are. Nurturing yourself is just

as important as nurturing your

children.

Self-Care Tips provided by Michelle P. Jones

Talk Show Host of Girlz Talk ,,,Real Talk on Thursdays 6:30-7:30 pm EST

life coach and minster just to name a few. Probably, the most demandingly challenging is the role of mother. I have the opportunity to look at motherhood from both a personal and professional perspective. One

thing I can say with absolute certainty is the process of

motherhood starts before we are holding our precious bundle in our arms. Perhaps like many, you grew up as a little girl playing house and dreaming of motherhood

and living a perfect life. As we become adults our experiences may prove what we fantasized of in child-

Rev. Dr. Rene Minter-Carr

hood does not align itself with our reality.

Motherhood is not an exact science and although there are many books written there is no cookie-cutter apily customs, the internet, even YouTube and whatever

proach. For each of us we learn by trial and error, famelse we can find along the way. Motherhood, with all

There is one concept that stretches across all the challenges and that is to “be the best you that you can be.” Think about when you fly with your family. The flight attendant performs a series of informative exercises prior to take off. Yes, we have probably heard and seen it so many times we don’t really pay attention but there is a primary take away from the demonstration. They always say, “should there be an emergency and

the oxygen mask drop down to apply it to yourself first before attempting to help anyone else”. Exactly, you have to take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else.

Yes, as Moms we probably make sure all the basic needs for are families have been taken care of. We want our family to be healthy on every level but what about yourself? How mentally and emotional fit are you? I would like to offer a few tips on emotional self-

care that might be beneficial on your road to be the best version of your true and authentic self that you can be.

Mental Health Tips for Moms

Create a balance in your life.

You can be a great Mom and still have interests outside your children. To prevent burnout and resentment there needs to be a balance which allows for rejuvenation. It is ok to take a baby break as it will help you feel more like yourself again. Sleep! Yes, our sleep cycle had to adjust with the child, but you need rest as well. Eat well. Motherhood is busy with few breaks but find

a time to sit down and eat nutritious meals. Oh, and don’t forget the water. If you need help, ask. You may not have all the answers. Motherhood can be challenging and an emotional roller coaster. Which can affect our mental health. Find the support you might need in the community be it a psychotherapist or a support group, help is out there. Do not forget your support system and relationships. When times are rough our husbands, partners, friends

or family can assist in stress reduction and offer a warm shoulder. Play time. Recreation should be factored into you’re your schedule. Meeting up with friends, going to the

gym or the movies can be an excellent way to enhance your mental health.

Mental Health Tips for Expecting Women

Monitor changes in mood but don’t worry.

Understand there are many contributing factors during pregnancy that lead to mood changes. It is not uncommon to feel

the blues or anxiety during pregnancy. Getting help if needed is important. Seeking the assistance of a support group or psychotherapist can help you realize you are not alone.

Don’t forget about you. Make time to do the things that are fun and important to you. Enjoy! Yes, pregnancy can be challenging with a range of emotional and physical changes all happening at

once. Take time to stop and enjoy the miracle growing inside of you.

Dr. Rene Minter, DMin, LCSW-R Director Community House Residence 357 Ninth Street Brooklyn, NY 11215 Telephone #: 718-965-9462 x14 rminter@lssny.org