Grieving the Death of a Loved One - Sample Session

Grieving the Death of a Loved One

© 2020, RENEW International

ISBN 978-1-63063-175-1

Printed in the United States of America

Cover Design by Clara Baumann

THE MISSION of RENEW INTERNATIONAL

To renew personal faith and parish life—unlocking the power of small groups by equipping laity and clergy to share their Catholic faith and live it every day.

Acknowledgements

RENEW International gratefully acknowledges contributions to this book from Elizabeth Collier, who wrote the original text, which is substantially intact in this book; and from Sister Jane Garrison, OP, and Alice Hugh Brown, who provided valuable advice during the preparation of this edition.

Suggestions for the Leader

You have the opportunity of helping this small community grow in a deeper awareness of God’s dynamic presence in each member’s life. Your own deep personal relationship with Jesus, through prayer and the sacraments and living your faith in your daily life, will help as you attempt to lead group members to richer prayer and transformative action.

PrePArAtion

Personally call each member in order to welcome him or her. Provide a way for each member to have a copy of this booklet at least a week before the first meeting. Invite the members to read the Preface as well as the designated scripture readings and reflections for the first session.

Prior to the meeting time, prayerfully reflect upon the session. Preview the prayer suggestions. Prepare whatever is needed for prayer—music, words, equipment—or share this responsibility with another member of the group. On the day of the meeting, arrange the room for prayer and sharing. If your group is meeting virtually, perhaps light a candle that will be visible to the participants throughout the session.

sessions

Each session includes the following parts:

AIm

Read the aim as a way of calling to mind the focus of the session.

INtRoductIoNS

If the group has not met before or if participants do not know each other, it is important to have time for introductions and an opportunity to get acquainted. People share most easily when they feel comfortable and accepted in a group.

INvItAtIoN to PRAy

Each session begins with a time of prayer. Prayer is always at the heart of gatherings of Christians.

ActIoN RESPoNSE

After the first week, the leader asks participants to share briefly how they did with their action response from the previous session. By reviewing these responses, we encourage one another and hold one another accountable.

JOURNALING

Encourage participants to write about their thoughts about grieving—in the space provided in each of the sessions but also in a separate journal.

RefLectION ANd ShARING

After the introductions, prayer, and the sharing of action responses, there are reflections and sharing questions. The reflections can be read aloud or silently. After the first reflection, allow time for personal reflection before moving into the sharing questions. Allow sufficient time for all to share.

INvItAtIoN to Act

Each session offers some ideas for an action; however, these are only suggestions. It is important that group members choose an action that is both measurable and realistic.

INvItAtIoN to PRAy

The leader may use the suggested closing prayer or substitute another. When shared prayer is suggested, remember that praying spontaneously might be a new experience for some. Members should have the freedom to pray aloud or remain silent. Be comfortable with short periods of silence.

tIme ANd AtmOSPheRe

Each session should begin and end according to the schedule decided upon by the group. Create a relaxed atmosphere. Be respectful and supportive of each member.

LOyALty tO the GROUP

Remind the group of the obligation to keep all personal sharing confidential.

RefReShmeNtS

If your group is meeting in person, it is better to serve simple refreshments at the end of the session rather than at the beginning.

SUGGeSted fLOw Of the ShARING SeSSIONS (1 1/2 Hours)

Introductions (when the group is new or when someone joins the group)

10 min. Aim and Invitation to Pray

5 min. Action Response

5 min. Reflection 1

20 min. Invitation to Share

5 min. Reflection 2

30 min. Invitation to Share

10 min. Invitation to Act

5 min. Invitation to Pray

About the music

RENEW International and our partners, OCP, have provided a digital play list of songs to accompany the faith-sharing sessions in this book. To download any or all of the songs, visit www.ocp.org/renewmusic.

Preface

Grief can feel for anyone like a solitary experience, even like something that no one else can understand. Indeed, it can be so personal, reach so deeply into our interior lives, that we don’t want to share it.

Yet, grief is an emotion that touches virtually everyone—in most cases, more than once in a lifetime. There are instances, such as the terror attacks of 2001 and the COVID-19 pandemic, when grief is communal—the grief of a whole society is superimposed on the grief of many individual men, women, and children.

In the aftermath of the terror attacks, RENEW International introduced Grieving the Death of a Loved One, a resource that used prayer, scripture, and faith sharing to enable small groups of adults to name and explore their grief. The book was written by Elizabeth M. Collier, who, after losing her husband in a motor vehicle accident, has spent her career in initiatives to help the bereaved. Grieving the Death of a Loved One has been used by parishes, bereavement groups, and individuals for nearly 20 years.

Now, the COVID-19 pandemic, a cause of communal and individual grief unparalleled since the influenza pandemic of 1918, has prompted RENEW to provide a new version of this resource.

In the preface to the first edition, Elizabeth Collier wrote, “My personal journey of grief began on the day my husband died. Little did I realize how this journey would impact my life. At 29 years old and the mother of two little girls, I had minimal experience with grief. I certainly wasn’t prepared for the changes that would take place. The one thing I thought I knew was that grief was an emotional crisis, but I was not prepared for the spiritual crisis that would follow. Not only were my emotions affected, but my perception of the world and my spiritual beliefs were attacked. At many points in the journey, my grief collided with my faith. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God, but I began to question what I knew about him.”

Grieving the Death of a Loved One was written as a tool to validate feelings such as the ones Elizabeth experienced. “It is important to realize,” she wrote, “that no two journeys will be the same. Grief is a unique and individual process. There is no right or wrong way in grief; there is only your way.”

Grieving the Death of a Loved One includes suggestions for healing and meditation that can be used individually or in a small faith-sharing group and reflections derived from Elizabeth’s personal journals, conversations with others who are grieving, and professional experiences, as well as insights, questions, and suggestions inspired by the COVID event.

We hope this new edition of Grieving the Death of a Loved One will help those who are grieving to find a way forward through their faith and the support of others.

The Search for Acceptance

Beginning the Journey

AIm: To understand the first task of grief—to accept the death of our loved one.

invitAtion to PrAy

SoNG: “Companions on the Journey,” Carey Landry, OCP. To download this song, visit www.ocp. org/renew-music

LeAdeR: Invite one person to read aloud the gospel passage and another to read the selection adapted from St. Teresa of Ávila.

A reading from the Gospel According to John (20:11-18)

But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?”

Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she told them that he had said these things to her.

The Gospel of the Lord.

ALL: Praise to you, Lord Jesus christ.

Reading

Let nothing disturb you; Let nothing dismay you; All things pass, God never changes. Patience attains all it strives for. The one who has God Finds he or she lacks nothing. God alone suffices.

Teresa of Ávila

What word, phrase, or image from the scripture reading or poem touched your heart or spoke to your life?

Pray the following together: Lord, we are on a journey that we are not prepared to take. Guide us as we stumble on our way. Help us to know that you are with us even if we cannot feel your presence. Show us a light so that the darkness does not overwhelm us. Be our companion on this journey of grief. Amen.

reflection 1

When a loved one dies, we begin an unfamiliar trip with no map, no itinerary, and no one to call to find the best and shortest route. There will probably be plenty of detours and delays, and we will wander aimlessly on this road. As soon as we start, we begin to feel lost.

We ask God to lead us to safe waters, to guide us along the way. Even though it may be dark, we will not fear, for Scripture reminds us, “He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:3). The road leads us to a painful crossroad: someone whom we loved has died and will not come back. This reality is painful. This person who brought joy to our world, gave us love, security, companionship, and maybe even life itself has left this world and has gone on to a place that is a mystery to us. In this world, we will never be able to talk, see, smell, or touch this person again. We are plunged into a silent cavern. In the stillness, the world falls down like sand through an hourglass; small particles falling through space and time, colors blending into each other until there is total darkness. No road looks familiar.

At times, the world looks different and frightening, because someone we love is gone. We look for answers, and we are confronted with nothingness. We try to turn back but the past is gone. We try to look forward, but the future seems empty. Time has stopped and we question if we will ever be able to move again.

We read in the Gospel of John that Mary Magdalene went to Jesus’ tomb grief-stricken, and her anguish intensified when she found the tomb empty. When she realized the person whom she had taken for a gardener was Jesus, she was overjoyed, thinking she had Jesus back to stay. However, Jesus told her not to cling to him. In other words, life could not return to the way it had been, and Mary needed to let go of the past so that Jesus could ascend to his Father. Her relationship with him would be altered, but it would not end.

So, too, with us. Our worldview has changed. There is a large hole in our vista. The reality of this loss takes a long time to accept. When someone dies, even if the death was expected, there is the sense that this isn’t really happening. This sense can be magnified if we cannot visit our loved one in the time leading up to his or her death—either because of distance, our own inability to travel, or a social condition such as the corona virus pandemic that rules out contact with those who are ill. Many of us will call out for our loved one, may sense his or her presence, and even go searching for him or her.

invitAtion to shAre

• If you choose, share the name of the person you are grieving, your relationship with that person, and how that person died.

• In what way did the prayer or reflection touch you?

• How would you define “grief”?

• What surprises you the most about your feelings right now?

reflection 2

For two years, Charlotte watched her young husband, Bob, struggle with colon cancer. She witnessed the deterioration of his body until his body was just a shell of the person he once was. At the hospital, on the last day of his life, they prayed together that God would relieve his suffering and take him home. When the moment of death came, Charlotte was relieved that Bob was no longer in pain, and she was comforted by her belief that he was with God. When Charlotte returned to her home that night, she was shocked by her reaction. Charlotte realized that the “sick” Bob had died, but she truly expected the “well” Bob to be waiting at home for her. Charlotte was ready to accept that the “sick” Bob would go, but her heart wanted the “well” Bob to remain.

Is your mind accepting the reality of the loss more easily than your heart is? Has this been exacerbated by your inability to be with your loved one during final illness, or even at the time of death? The heart wants to turn back, but our minds tell us it is impossible. We will see reminders of our loved ones everywhere. The absence of one person is felt deeply. We become numb, confused, and even disoriented. It seems as though we are viewing a movie of someone else’s journey. We are shocked by the death of the one we loved. We bounce between reality and unreality. We truly expect him or her to return. We are thwarted at every turn. Reality begins to move in, and it is painful.

We are weary, and this is just the beginning of the journey. We do not know what else is to come. We are overwhelmed with sadness.

“I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping” (Psalm 6:6).

Be kind to yourself. This is a painful journey. As you have painful thoughts and feelings, know that you need to comfort yourself. Don’t judge yourself or set a timeline for your healing. True acceptance comes when we stop yearning for what isn’t and accept the reality of what is—no matter how painful it is at this moment.

invitAtion to shAre

• Share a good memory of your loved one.

• What are some signs that you have or have not accepted the death of your loved one?

• Do you pray to God for help in accepting your loved one’s death? If so, how do you pray?

• Do you have a companion to accompany you on your journey of grief? If so, share what that means to you. If you do not have someone, perhaps the members of this group will help you.

invitAtion to Act

Determine a specific action (individual or group) that flows from your sharing. This should be your primary consideration. When choosing an individual action, determine what you will do and share it with the group. When choosing a group action, determine who will take responsibility for different aspects of the action. The following are suggestions, but the action you choose should fit your feelings and your needs at this moment.

• Find someone with whom you can share your feelings. If possible, choose someone who knew your loved one well and can share characteristics that will stay with you, such as expressions your loved one always used; his or her manner of dress, favorite sports teams, and even pet peeves. Don’t exclude things that irritated you and things that made you laugh.

• Journal: Write about or draw your thoughts. This is not a diary but a stream of consciousness that need not make sense to anyone else. Remember that paper and computers don’t give advice or tell us how to feel. Try to make a commitment to write each day for one month.

• Ask our Blessed Mother and St. Mary Magdalene, who knew great grief at the death of Jesus, to help you through your grief.

• Don’t be alone in your grief. Look for and join a support group in your area either in your parish, local hospitals, hospices, or funeral homes. If a certain group doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, explore the other options in your area.

• Understand that everyone grieves differently. Don’t be troubled if others’ experiences are not similar to yours. All grief is valid.

invitAtion to PrAy

LeAdeR: Invite each person to read one of the lines below. All respond: we remember them.

In the rising of the sun and in its going down, we remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer, we remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

Add your own lines, and all respond, “we remember them.”

Close by praying the Lord’s Prayer together.

Jewish Prayer from the Rabbi’s Manual © 1988