Orsai Número 10 by Editorial Orsai

EDITORIAL Gracias a ellos

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PÁG. 88 / ¿Dónde vas? ¿Dónde estuviste? (Q HO VHJXQGR FXHQWR GH PLHGLWR -R\FH &DURO 2DWHV QRV GHMy WUDGXFLU DO FDVWHOODQR VX DQWROyJLFR ³:KHUH $UH <RX *RLQJ" :KHUH +DYH <RX %HHQ"´ 8Q OXMR SDUD WHUPLQDU HO DxR

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RELATO

UNA SINIESTRA HOSPITALIDAD Por Enrique Symns Ilustra Poly Bernatene

<UH MYHZL JVUKLUZH LS YLSH[V! ¸3H KYVNH WVZLL LS KVISL ZPNUPÄJHKV KL YLTLdio y veneno. Lo que te sana, al mismo tiempo te corrompe”. Enrique Symns KLZHYTH J\HSX\PLY SP[LYH[\YH JVU \UH OPZ[VYPH H\[VIPVNYmÄJH SSLUH KL HN\QHZ olores anestésicos y un tour infernal por diversos hospitales argentinos.

UNA SINIESTRA HOSPITALIDAD

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SOBREMESA

La lectora indecente

a última revista del año —le digo a Chiri—. Parece mentira que ya sean diez números. —Imagináte, cuando empezamos con esto en el patio de tu casa, si te decían que dos años después íbamos a tener cinco mil fotos de lectores, una al lado de la otra, en la décima revista. —Son cinco mil quinientas ochenta fotos ·SL LZWLJPÄJV· 9LWHY[PKHZ LU ZLPZ WmNPUHZ H lo largo de toda la edición. La de acá al lado es la primera página. Novecientas treinta fotos por página, en un mosaico de treinta por treinta y uno. ·3V KLJxZ JVU VYN\SSV KL JPLU[xÄJV —¿Sabés lo que cuesta ponerlas una por una y que dé un número exacto? —Hay lectoras muy lindas en esta página. —En todas las páginas hay lectoras lindas. Incluso hay una muy indecente que aparece mostrando la teta. —¿En qué página? —pregunta Chiri. —En alguna de las seis páginas. Buscála. La descubrió Guillermo un día, y no me quiso decir a dónde estaba... Estuve horas buscando. Me sentí un poco Sherlock Holmes y un poco pajero. —¿El año que viene vamos a poner mujeres desnudas en la revista? Yo creo que ya es hora de convertirnos en un medio serio. ·5V JYLV 7YLÄLYV X\L SL KPNHTVZ H ,UYPX\L Symns que siga escribiendo para nosotros. Cada vez me gusta más lo que escribe. —Es increíble el viejo —me dice Chiri—. Cuando cuenta la operación pública, la clase práctica en la que el cirujano lo opera frente a sus alumnos, no se puede creer. —“Ahora inyectamos la anestesia en el pene —le leo—... Se producirá un orgasmo involuntario y descarga urinaria... Ahora practicamos la incisión.” —¡Pará! No sigas. ¡Qué impresión que te operen del pito! —Pero después te queda el pene moishe y eso produce mucho placer. —¡Ah! Los nombres de los personajes de sus OPZ[VYPHZ! LS +VJ[VY *\SV 9LZLYV =PLQV LS 7LUL Goi… —Christian Gustavo: el último no es un personaje. —¿Cómo que no? —me dice—. Es un gran personaje. Es más: es uno de los personajes principales de todas sus historias, aunque no siempre aparece nombrado de la misma manera. ¿Me decís en qué página está la lectora indecente? —No, buscála solo —le digo.

—El otro día escuché un monólogo de Symns en Youtube que en una parte dice: “Frente a mí el Negro Yo acaricia con tristeza su vieja pistola oxidada, y a mi lado el Gordo Hitler aprieta entre las piernas los cinco kilos de cocaína que vamos a vender para comprarnos un velero y escaparnos de este lugar, a un lugar en el mundo en donde los hombres no mendiguen bombachas y las mujeres den besos de mescalina”. Hermoso. —Esos personajes que nombra, ¿existirán de verdad? ¿Cómo será el Gordo Hitler? No me dan muchas ganas de conocerlo. ·*VTV SVZ WLYZVUHQLZ KL 9VILY[V (YS[ LU Los siete locos —me dice Chiri—. Me encantaban los nombres que tenían: El Buscador de Oro, la Coja, LS 9\ÄmU 4LSHUJ}SPJV —Y el Hombre que vio a la Partera. ¿Te acordás? —El mejor de todos. —En realidad se llamaba Bromberg y estaba medio chapa. Le tenía terror a las parteras, desde chico; no se sabe bien por qué. —Bromberg seguro tenía el pene moishe. —Lo más probable. —Me gustó esa parte en la que Enrique cuenta que el motorhome fue uno de sus mejores hogares —me dice Chiri. —A mí me encantaría vivir en una camioneta grande con una cama adentro y tener todo al alcance de una mano —le digo—, y poder trasladarme de un lugar a otro sin que nadie me rompa las pelotas. Como el abogado de la serie Petrocelli. —No es lo mismo —me dice—. El motorhome KL 7L[YVJLSSP LZ[HIH ÄQV —Cierto. El tipo jamás abandonaba el sueño de la casa propia. Durante toda la serie fue construyendo su hogar, ladrillo a ladrillo, al lado del motorhome. Nunca la terminó —le digo. —... —¿Estás? —Sí, esperáme un segundo que estoy haciendo algo importante. —¿Qué estás haciendo? —Nada, nada. Esperá un cachito. —Estás buscando a la lectora indecente, ¿no? —Boludo, no puedo hacer otra cosa. —¿La encontraste? —No —me dice—. Dame una coordenada, por favor. Se me están cansando los ojos. —No puedo, querido amigo: esa teta es un camino que tenemos que recorrer solos. [

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!"#$%&!| SUSCRIPTORES 2012

LA FOTO PENSADA

Por Andreu Buenafuente

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Andreu Buenafuente abrió un día su página en Wikipedia y vio todo lo que había hecho en su vida. Le pareció deprimente, porque lo que más le gusta en el mundo es dormir. Y entonces supo que había fracasado en su mayor anhelo: el de ser un haragán. Aquí la crónica, de su puño y letra.

UNA CAMA EN UN CENTRO DE ACOGIDA EN YAMUNA, MADAGASCAR. 2011. CANON DIGITAL. (ANDREU BUENAFUENTE)

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OWEN, SOLDADO Y POETA

MIGUEL REP

ENSAYO

LA CULPA FUE DE

JOHAN CRUYFF

Por Simon Kuper Desde Ámsterdam

Hace dos años y medio, España y Holanda jugaron el último partido del Mundial de Fútbol en Sudáfrica. De los vein[PVJOV Q\NHKVYLZ X\L WPZHYVU LS JtZWLK LU HX\LSSH ÄUHS catorce tuvieron una educación futbolística idéntica. Siete se hicieron hombres en la Masía del Barça; los otros siete crecieron en el complejo De Toekomst, del Ajax. Esas dos fábricas de estrellas comparten un fundador y una idea: “el fútbol se parece más al ajedrez que a la lucha libre”.

SIMON KUPER

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SIMON KUPER

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.?.!0$!".+'<?)#"+$("!04$0/$%0/:.,$R$'+"$'+$#?=$ 6'+0<4060%/'S, T"4$+?3?'+("$@?'$/0$+0/)60$6'/$0)+/0#)'.("$."$ '+$/0$'N3/)!0!):.$3"4$+8$+"/0$6'/$;N)("$F?(%"/8+()!"$ 6'$ -+3010,$ U"+$ ).(0.<)%/'+$ (0#%);.$ +".$ )#3"45 (0.('+2$!"#"$/0$+E%)(0$0304)!):.$6'$&?<06"4'+$6'$ OD WDOOD GH ;DYL +HUQiQGH] \ 'DYLG 9LOOD SRU '&'#3/",$-+3010$F?'$'/$E.)!"$'@?)3"$'.$/0$O"30$ V?.6)0/$ 6'$ BCWC$ !".$ ?.$ 3/0.('/$ ).('<406"$ 3"4$ ".!'$ &?<06"4'+$ @?'$ '40.$ ()(?/04'+$ 0%+"/?("+$ '.$ !/?%'+$ ).#'.+0#'.('$ <40.6'+,$ X$ 3'+04$ 6'$ '+("2$ (VSDxD IXH VREUHYDORUDGD HQ WDPDxR \ ULTXH]D VX LQFUHtEOH GHVHPSHxR IXH SRVLEOH JUDFLDV DO ÂżQ GHO 0)+/0#)'.(", Y)'('$ 6'$ /"+$ !0("4!'$ '+301"/'+$ @?'$ &?<04".$ 0@?'/$304()6"$+'$>)!)'4".$#0="4'+$'.$/0$V0+80,$ Y)'('$ 6'$ /"+$ !0("4!'$ >"/0.6'+'+$ @?'$ 6)+3?(04".$ HVD ÂżQDO FUHFLHURQ HQ OD DFDGHPLD GHO $MD[ 4Xp #040*)//02$ =$ @?;$ 034"3)06"2$ @?'$ /"+$ '+301"/'+$ >0=0.$ +'//06"$ +?$ /?<04$ '.$ /0$ E/()#0$ O"30$ 6'/$ 0XQGR MXVWDPHQWH FRQWUD VX SDtV PHQWRU (VD Âż5 .0/$F?'$?.$O4?=FF$*'4+?+$O4?=FF,$T4"%0%/'#'.('$ .?.!0$ >0%80$ +?!'6)6"$ 0.('+$ @?'$ 6"+$ '@?)3"+2$ HQ XQD ÂżQDO GHO PXQGR WXYLHUDQ VXV RUtJHQHV '.$'/$(40%0&"$6'/$#)+#"$>"#%4',$-+0$."!>'2$'.$ Z">0..'+%?4<"2$'/$*)'&"$0#+('460#;+$@?'$()'.'$ +?$ !0+0$ '.$ G04!'/".0$ 6'%):$ >0%'4+'$ +'.()6"$ ?.$ "4<?//"+"$3064'$6'$<'#'/"+,$[

Simon Kuper (Uganda, 1969). Periodista y escritor britĂĄnico. Sus dos pasiones, la economĂa y el fĂştbol, lo han llevado a estudiar en Oxford, Harvard o BerlĂn, y a vivir en Ă msterdam o Jamaica. Escribe para Financial Times y The Guardian. Este ensayo no tenĂa versiĂłn en espaĂąol.

TraducciĂłn: Jorge TrĂmboli FotografĂas: EFE

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SOBREMESA

Una batalla campal

ohan Cruyff fue el que no vino a jugar el Mundial 78 a la Argentina, ¿no? —El mismo que viste y calza —me dice Chiri. —Creo que no vino porque estaba en contra de los militares —intento recordar. —No, fue porque unos meses antes del mundial intentaron secuestrarlo en Barcelona: a él y a su familia. Y eso lo puso mal. Por eso no vino. Lo contó hace un tiempo. —¿Lo habrá querido secuestrar Menotti, para no sufrirlo en la cancha? —No creo —me dice—. Si el técnico hubiera sido Bilardo por ahí sí. Pero Menotti es un señor. —Capaz que ganamos el Mundial gracias a los secuestradores de Cruyff, porque esa Holanda, con Johan en el equipo, nos hacía mierda. ¿O no? —Nunca lo sabremos —me dice—. Pero de todos modos nosotros teníamos un equipazo. —¿Sabías que en Youtube hay partidos completos del Mundial 78? —No me digas... —Hacé una cosa: cuando puedas buscá el partido que jugaron Argentina y Brasil por la segunda ronda y seguí atentamente los primeros minutos de Luque. —¿Qué pasa con Leopoldo Jacinto? —me pregunta Chiri. —Yo tengo grabado el golazo que le hizo a Francia desde afuera del área, y las repeticiones eternas de las jugadas de siempre —le digo—. Pero te puedo asegurar que esos primeros minutos son la síntesis de otra cosa. Luque sale a partir jugadores brasileños de una manera descomunal. Es glorioso: nunca vi nada parecido. —¿Te viste el partido completo? —me pregunta. —Enterito —le digo—. Tenés que hacer la prueba, porque en un momento pasa algo: a los quince minutos de juego estás de nuevo en la infancia, en tu casa de Mercedes. Y afuera hace un frío de puta madre: un frío Mundial 78, como dice Fabián Casas en “El bosque pulenta”. —Lo voy a intentar, pero no te prometo nada —me dice Chiri. —Vos te lo perdés. —El que la rompía en esa selección era Ardiles. —Ossie Ardiles —le digo. —¿Así le decían en Inglaterra, no? Simon Kuper se acuerda de haberlo visto jugar en el Tottenham y cuenta que era una maravilla. ¿Cómo se llama esa película en la que aparecía Ardiles,

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que la fuimos a ver al Cine Español cuando éramos chicos? —Escape a la victoria —le digo—, con Michael Caine y Stallone. También estaban Pelé y el polaco Deyna, al que Fillol le atajó el penal en el Mundial. Era sobre un partido de fútbol en un campo de prisioneros de guerra: nazis contra aliados. —El famoso “partido político”, como el BarçaMadrid —me dice Chiri. —¡Ah, qué bueno se está poniendo el fútbol español! —me excito—. Cuando se fue Guardiola pensé que ya no habría antagonismos, pero Dios quiso que la independencia catalana pusiera otra vez al odio deportivo en su justo lugar. —¿En qué liga va a jugar el Barça si Cataluña se independiza de España? ¿Se acaba el clásico para siempre? Vos que vivís ahí, ¿sabés algo? —Hay un dato importante —le digo—. Mónaco es un Estado independiente, pero su club de fútbol juega en la Liga Francesa. —Entonces todo bien —me dice Chiri—. Si sigue habiendo Madrid-Barça, estoy a favor de la independencia. ¿Pero Cataluña podría jugar un Mundial como país, por ejemplo? —Podría, pero sería muy raro ver a Xavi en un equipo y a Iniesta en otro. Yo creo que incluso con diferentes camisetas seguirían triangulando y dándose pases entre ellos. —Igual no termino de entender la independencia catalana. ¿Es una postura o es real? —Yo tengo una teoría muy de cuete, pero sirve para explicarlo —le digo. —¿A ver? —Ponele que hay un amistoso España-Argentina el mes que viene. Promedia el partido y Messi se va con pelota dominada. Entonces llega por atrás Sergio Ramos (el defensor del Madrid), le tira una patada a destiempo y lo quiebra. A Messi. Lo parte en dos. ¿Sabés qué pasaría? —¿Qué pasaría? —Que Xavi, Puyol, Iniesta, Piqué, Fábregas y Jordi Alba lo cagarían a trompadas a Sergio Ramos. Mientras que Casillas, Arbeloa, Xabi Alonso y Albiol intentarían defender a su compañero. Y se armaría una batalla campal entre jugadores con la misma camiseta. —Qué loco —me dice Chiri—. Te juro que me lo imagino y puede pasar tranquilamente. —El sentimiento de independencia, cuando es real, se parece mucho al instinto. [

!"#$%&!| SUSCRIPTORES 2012

VOLVER A LA GUERRA Por Gonzalo Garcés XXXXXXXX

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Si alguien todavĂa pensaba que el hombre se hace adulto cuando muere el padre, no contaba con el siglo veintiuno y su epidemia brutal de adolescentes incombustibles.

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INSPIRACIĂ&#x201C;N TRANSPIRADA Por Leila Guerriero Ilustra Alejandra Lunik ÂżCĂłmo se le ocurren las historias a Leila Guerriero, una de las mejores cronistas narrativas de nuestra ĂŠpoca? La pregunta es breve y a primera vista parece simple. La respuesta, por suerte, tiene muchas pĂĄginas y su lectura es un placer.

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SOBREMESA

El trabajo y el ocio

l ensayo de Leila empieza como una oda al procrastineo —me dice Chiri—. “Miro diarios, respondo mails, caliento el agua, abro un cajón...” ¿A todos nos pasa eso cada vez más, no? —Yo creo que aquello que se hace antes de empezar a trabajar se llama “ritual”. Por ejemplo, yo no puedo sentarme en serio a la máquina sin pasar antes por una serie de costumbres: leer los diarios, ver algunas cosas en YouTube... —No, ritual es otra cosa —me dice—, lo que hacemos nosotros es pelotudear. ¿Sabés cuál es el problema de los que trabajamos en una pantalla? Que el ocio también está en esa pantalla. Tenés el trabajo en una pestaña, y en las pestañas de al lado tenés la música, el fútbol, el vicio y un compañero antiguo de la secundaria que te encontró en Facebook y te habla. —¿Vos decís que los que no trabajan en computadoras no tienen ese problema? —Imagináte un tipo que carga bolsas en el puerto —me dice Chiri—. No se para a cada rato a charlar con la bolsa, a bailar con la bolsa, a preguntarle a la bolsa cómo salió Boca... —Es verdad. —Hay un artículo buenísimo de Leila que se llama “Sobre algunas mentiras del periodismo”, donde dice que escribir un texto le lleva entre veinte días y un mes y medio, con jornadas de muchísimas horas de trabajo. A veces de hasta quince… —¿Quince horas de trabajo? —me asusto—. Yo nunca trabajé quince horas el mismo día. —¿Diez? —Tampoco. —¿Cuánto? —Máximo, cuatro. El resto miro series. —Entonces —me dice Chiri—, cuando eras crítico de tele en El País trabajabas mucho. —¡Es verdad! Ahí trabajaba como Leila, quince horas por día. Qué buena noticia me diste, ahora puedo decir que una vez trabajé mucho. —Hablando de procrastineo, estoy leyendo la La novela luminosa, de Levrero. —Esa novela gorda que le compraste a Federico en Montevideo, cuando fuimos a conocer su librería “El Narrador”.

50!"!!"#$%&"'()'*%+,-'.)"'&"%/-'.)"'0$11"12

—Es muy raro... —¿Federico? —Él también. Pero te hablaba del libro de Levrero. Es raro como muchos libros uruguayos. —¿Conocés ese dicho que dice que Chile dio poetas; Argentina, cuentistas; México, novelistas, y Uruguay dio raros? —Es que es verdad —me dice Chiri—. Toda la primera parte de La novela luminosa es un diario minucioso del procrastineo: Levrero pide una beca Guggenheim para terminar una novela inconclusa. Se la dan. Pero antes de ponerse a escribir la novela se pone a escribir el “Diario de la beca”, que son más de cuatrocientas páginas. —¿Y qué escribe? —Cuenta cómo el tiempo se le va de las manos sin escribir la novela. Pero está convencido que todo ese tiempo vacío es muy necesario para llegar a un estado de ocio ideal, que es el que le va a traer la inspiración. Y mientras tanto lucha con cuestiones muy pelotudas de su día a día y con algunas conductas, según él, “aberrantes”. —¿Por ejemplo? —Su obsesión con la computadora (diseña programas que le avisan cuándo tomar las pastillas, por ejemplo, y se pasa horas jugando solitarios y otras cosas), busca fotos de minas en pelota, lee novelas de Rosa Chacel y de Somerset Maugham como un desesperado y lucha todos los días para acostarse a una hora razonable, pero siempre se termina acostando cuando sale el sol. En la parte que leí anoche se estaba yendo a dormir a las diez de la mañana. —Es increíble —le digo—. A veces tengo la sensación de que eso nos pasa a todos. —Al hombre que carga bolsas en el puerto no. —Claro —le digo—, quiero decir: a todos los que laburamos en casa. Es muy difícil ser uno mismo su propio jefe, ser responsable. ¿A vos no te pasa? —Yo tengo un jefe de mierda —me dice Chiri—. Me tiene cortito, no me deja pelotudear. —Así me gusta, Christian Gustavo —le digo—. Vaya y tráigame una infusión. Rapidito. [

!"#$%&!| SUSCRIPTORES 2012

RELATO

REGRESO

A CASA

CON TORTUGA Por Junot Díaz Ilustra Hernán Cañellas

Junot Díaz nació en República Dominicana pero hace tanto que vive en Estados Unidos (desde los siete años) que le cuesta hablar en español. Un día, el que fue premio Pulitzer en 2008 volvió a “su hogar” después de mucho tiempo. En este relato nos cuenta esa experiencia.

REGRESO A CASA CON TORTUGA

Â¡A

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Junot DĂaz (Santo Domingo, 1968). Escritor dominicano nacionalizado estadounidense, ganador del premio Pulitzer en 2008. Reside en Estados Unidos. Autor de Los Boys y La maravillosa vida breve de Ă&#x201C;scar Wao, ambos editados en espaĂąol por Mondadori. El relato que publica Orsai estĂĄ inĂŠdito en castellano.

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TraducciĂłn: Luis Chaves Ilustraciones: HernĂĄn CaĂąellas

CRÓNICA

Por Gabriela Wiener

Ilustra Matías Tolsà

ESPERANDO EL

11/11/11 Para la mayoría, el once es la primera cifra que no podemos contar con los dedos, el quinto número primo, el número atómico del sodio, y poco más. Para Gabriela Wiener es una obsesión que la acompaña y, creemos, la trastorna un poco.

ESPERANDO EL 11/11/11 !!!

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SOBREMESA

Cuidado con Killer

he, ¿de verdad mandaste ese mail el once de noviembre de 2011 —le pregunto a Chiri—, o Gabriela está mejorando la anécdota? —Se lo mandé realmente ese día. Cuando leí Z\ JY}UPJH TL M\P H ÄQHY H TP .THPS (U[LZ KL LZV habíamos hablado sobre su obsesión con el número once, una noche en tu casa. —Sí, me acuerdo de esa noche. Yo no le presté mucha atención a la charla. —¿No creés en esas cosas? —Creo más o menos —le digo—. A mí me pasa algo así con el 621, que es mi número obseZP]V KLZKL X\L ZV` JOPJV 7VY LZV TL ZLU[x YLÅLjado en la crónica. Millones de veces me despierto, miro el reloj digital, y son las 6:21. —¿Y qué hacés cuando pasa eso? —Me levanto. —¿A la madrugada? —No. Cuando me despierto son las 6:21 de la tarde. Pero en realidad pienso parecido a Iván Thais: creo que primero llega la obsesión y después te tropezás con la manía todo el tiempo. —Puede ser que eso pase con otras cosas, pero no con el número once. Esa cifra es mucho más que una obsesión. —Y vos —le pregunto—, ¿creés? —Te voy a confesar —me dice Chiri—: después de aquella charla con Gabriela me puse a investigar por mi cuenta y descubrí algunas cosas muy interesantes. —¿Por ejemplo? —¿Sabés quién era el número once en la selección argentina del Mundial 78? —Killer —le digo—. Jugaba en Racing. —Exacto. Daniel Pedro Killer. —¿Y qué hay con eso? —Que “killer” en inglés quiere decir “asesino”; en otras palabras: el que viene a matar. Y escuchá esto —me dice Chiri, entre susurros—: Daniel Pedro Killer nació en Rosario, un 21 de diciembre; es decir: el mismo día que los Mayas pronostican que se va a acabar el mundo. —¿Vos decís, entonces, que el Caballo Killer tiene algo que ver con el Armagedón? —Digo eso y mucho más: ¿sabés cuál fue el mejor partido en la carrera futbolística de Killer? —¿Cómo voy a saber eso? —le digo. —Porque fue un partido histórico de la selec-

66!"!!"#$!%&'#()#*"+)#,-$#.&)/,-($0#1$#2)34#2)-(&%#2)1#*%&-%0

ción, contra Venezuela. Copa América, año 1975. Daniel Pedro Killer jugó de titular, hizo tres goles y clavó dos pelotas en los palos. Pero eso no es nada: ¿sabés cómo salió ese partido? Ganó Argentina: once a cero. —Me dejás helado. —Y una más: la palabra Killer tiene el número once escondido en las dos eles. —Entonces los números no mienten... —Nunca mienten, querido amigo. —Con razón tengo esta obsesión con el 420. La última vez que estuve en Buenos Aires me compré un picachu —le explico—. Uno de metal muy lindo, que tenía grabada una cifra: 4:20. Yo no sabía qué era. ¿Vos sabés? —No. —Es un código de la gente que fuma porro. Resulta que en 1971, unos alumnos de una escuela de California iban a fumar cuete en los recreos, al costado de una estatua de Luis Pasteur. Siempre en el último recreo: el timbre sonaba a las cuatro y veinte. —Ajá. —Entonces estos chicos, en vez de decir “vamos a fumar porro a la estatua”, para que los profesores no entendieran la conversación decían: “nos vemos a las 4:20”. Y la frase trascendió, de a poco, hasta que 420 se convirtió en un código de fumones. —Me gusta ese código —me dice Chiri—. Deben estar muy orgullosos esos adolescentes de California. —Obvio. No se esperaban tanta repercusión. Porque además el asunto fue mucho más allá. Desde los años ochenta, los veinte de abril (4/20 en inglés) son días en que hay que fumar porro sin parar. Y la hora 4:20 de cualquier día, en la mayoría de los países anglosajones, es la hora de fumar cuete, como las cinco en punto es la hora de tomar el té. —¿O sea que si yo te digo, adelante de mi vieja, “nos vemos a las cuatro y veinte”, vos me entendés? —me pregunta Chiri. —Claro, y me voy corriendo a una estatua de Luis Pasteur a esperarte. —¿Y si no hay estatua? —Me voy al lado de un perro, o de alguien que tenga rabia. También vale. [

LOS MEJORES MOMENTOS DE LA HISTORIA DEL CINE Por Nacho Vigalondo

XXXXXXXX

!"#$ %&'()*

Cuando Jaws se estrenó nadie sabía que el joven Spielberg estaba inaugurando una nueva manera de hacer cine. Según Nacho Vigalondo, el propio Steven se encargó de sembrar pequeñas metáforas dentro de la película, encarnadas en los personajes principales, en las que deja claro un detalle: él sí sabía que habría un antes y un después de Tiburón.

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SOBREMESA

Piscinas

iburón fue la primera película para adultos que vi en el cine —me dice Chiri—. ¿Y vos? —Último tango en París —le digo—. Me llevó mi viejo, creyendo que era sobre Gardel. —Mentira. Lo decís para adornar tu biografía. —No, en serio. En la escena de la manteca en el orto mi viejo me dice: “Qué atrevido, Lepera”. No me olvido más. —A mí me impactó mucho, de chico, la primera escena de Tiburón: dos pibes enamorados corren por la playa. La chica se va sacando la ropa y se mete al mar desnuda. El chico no la alcanza, se queda tirado en la arena. Está amaneciendo, no hay mucha luz en la escena. La chica nada en pelotas, sola, muy tranquilamente. Todo está en calma. Hasta que de pronto... —...te diste cuenta que era La laguna azul. —No, boludo. De pronto —me dice Chiri, con los ojos como huevos duros— la chica empieza a chapotear como loca, succionada desde el fondo por algo muy horrible. Grita y grita. El pibe duerme la mona en la playa y no la escucha. Más gritos de la chica. Please help me! Oh, my God! Oh, God! 3H JOPJH KLZHWHYLJL KL SH Z\WLYÄJPL JVTV si alguien hubiera apretado el botón del inodoro. El mar regresa a la calma. Y en toda la secuencia Spielberg nunca mostró al bicho. —¿Por qué razón el coitus interruptus es una práctica frecuente en las películas de miedo? —le pregunto—. Siempre hay una parejita que se empieza a desvestir y, todavía con la ropa a medio sacar, aparece un desquiciado con una máscara agujereada y una motosierra y los parte al medio. —Cuando pienso en estos dos elementos: agua y sangre, no pienso en Tiburón sino en ese cuento famoso del hijo de puta de Chuck Palahniuk —me dice Chiri—. ¿Cómo se llama ese cuento que no me acuerdo? —“Tripas” —le digo—, Guts en inglés. Es escalofriante. Lo leí una sola vez en mi vida y no lo pude volver a leer nunca más. —Todas las cosas horribles que le pasan a ese chico por querer hacerse una paja abajo del agua no tienen nombre —dice Chiri con gesto de dolor—. No quiero acordarme.

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—Uno de los mejores cuentos del mundo donde aparecen piletas es “El nadador”, de Cheever —le digo—. El cuento del tipo que vuelve a su casa nadando por todas las piletas de su barrio. —Burt Lancaster… —En la película; pero el personaje del cuento se llama Neddy Merrill. —Yo creo que en algún momento tenemos que invitar a escribir en la revista a Félix Bruzzone —me dice Chiri—, escribe muy bien y además, hasta donde sé, se gana la vida limpiando piletas. ·8\t VÄJPV YHYV 4L LUJHU[H —Escribió una novela que se llama Barrefondo, en la que hay mucho de su experiencia como barrefondista. No es común que los escritores se ganen la vida haciendo trabajos manuales, y que estén bien con eso, y que no les importe. —Una vez Garcés dijo algo muy cierto. —No creo. —Te juro. Dijo que los escritores argentinos suelen tener un desprecio olímpico por el mundo real, porque están convencidos de que la literatura está hecha solo de palabras, y que por lo tanto SV S}NPJV LZ X\L ZL YLÄLYH ZVSV H WHSHIYHZ 7LYV ningún escritor, dijo Garcés, excepto Fogwill, sabe cómo se construye una mesa. —Qué bien Garcés —me dice Chiri—. ¿El sabe construir una mesa? —No creo, pero es lindo, entonces zafa. —Bruzzone, en cambio, se parece a Allan Poe. —¡Pero eso es muchísimo mejor que ser lindo! Y además limpia piletas y escribe como los dioses. ¡Quiero conocer a ese chico! —Tendríamos que preparar una “Antología de escritores que desempeñan labores físicas”. —Todavía tenemos pendiente la “Antología hispanoamericana de escritores lindos” —le digo—. ¿Ya empezaste a buscar? —Sí —me dice—. Pero tengo un estándar tan alto de la belleza que hasta ahora solo reuní un cuento tuyo y nada más. —Gracias —me sonrojo—. Qué lindo piropo. —Me salió del alma. [

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Mariana Enriquez (Buenos Aires, 1973). Periodista y escritora. Trabaja en el suplemento â&#x20AC;&#x153;Radarâ&#x20AC;? de PĂĄgina/12. PublicĂł dos novelas, Bajar es lo peor, CĂłmo desaparecer completamente y un libro de relatos, Los peligros de fumar en la cama. Sus cuentos aparecen en diversas antologĂas de narrativa.

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Joyce Carol Oates (New York, 1938). Novelista, cuentista, autora teatral y editora. Desde 1978, es profesora de escritura creativa en la Universidad de Princeton. Ha escrito también bajo los seudónimos Rosamond Smith y Lauren Kelly. Su antológico relato “¿Dónde vas? ¿Dónde estuviste?” no se había traducido al español.

Traducción: Xtian Rodríguez Marcelo Tourné

SOBREMESA Experimentos

Z[m THS X\L SV KPNH `V ·SL JVUÄLZV H *OPri—, pero entre las cosas que me gustaron de esta segunda temporada de Orsai, la ZLJJP}U KL ¸*\LU[VZ¹ LZ[m LU LS [VW —Me gustó esto de que sean páginas de solo texto, sin demasiada interrupción de dibujos. Matías hizo pequeñas viñetas chiquitas arriba, para no joder la tranquilidad de la literatura. —Y además los nombres—le recito—: Keith Lee Morris, Santiago Nazarian, Ana Paula Maia, Andréa del Fuego, Daniel Galera, José Sbarra, /HYP 2\UaY\ *H[HSPUH 4\YPSSV 7LKYV 1\HU .\[Ptrrez, Aurora Venturini, Mempo Giardinelli, Mario Bellatin, y en este número Mariana Enríquez y 1V`JL *HYVS 6H[LZ ;VKV PUtKP[V TLUVZ :IHYYH ·,ZJYPIP} T\JOxZPTV 1V`JL *HYVS ·TL KPJL *OPYP· *VU Z\ UVTIYL ` JVU ZL\K}UPTVZ! 9VZHmond Smith y Lauren Kelly. —El cuento que le publicamos en este número, que lo tradujo Xtian con un amigo, fue antologado muchísimo en Estados Unidos, y es muy raro que nunca se haya traducido al español. —Está inspirado en tres asesinatos, ¿no? —Así parece. Lo que no sé es por qué se lo dedica a Dylan. —Porque lo escribió después de escuchar “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” —me dice. —Yo, por curiosidad me bajé la peli que se hizo sobre el cuento. Se llama Smooth Talk. ¿SaItZ X\PtU LZ *VUUPL& 3H\YH +LYU SH JOPJH KL Corazón salvaje, jovencita… —Sos un poco pervertido, no sé si alguna vez te lo dije. A propósito: ¿adónde se la lleva Friend H *VUUPL& ¦@ X\PtU LZ -YPLUK LU YLHSPKHK& 5V TL gusta nada ese muchacho. —Hay varias interpretaciones sobre eso; y el cuento tiene escondidas pequeñas claves que te pueden ayudar a encontrar posibles respuestas —le digo. —También en el cuento de Mariana Enriquez OH` JSH]LZ ·TL KPJL *OPYP· +PZMY\[t T\JOV esa historia de la casa abandonada. Me encanta cómo escribe Mariana. —Yo se lo leí a Nina una noche —le digo—, cuando nos llegó el primer borrador, y se cagó en las patas. No pudo dormir. —No es para una nena de ocho años, boludo. ·8\LYxH WYVIHY *VU SVZ OPQVZ OH` X\L OHJLY

98!"!!"#$"!%&#'()#*"+#$,&#"(#$-#.)/"+)#0#11)$2#)#1)#321-4)$-)5

experimentos, ¿si no para qué los tenés? —le digo—. Mi hermana siempre tuvo la fantasía de tener gemelos, para encerrar a uno en el garage con comida chatarra y mandar al otro pupilo a un colegio marista. Y a los dieciocho años ver cuál de los dos le salía asesino en serie. —¿Tu hermana estará a favor de que digas esto públicamente? —Es tarde para llamarla y preguntar. —Dice Mariana que el germen de sus historias, en realidad, está en los relatos de fantasmas que le contaba su abuela, o sus tías, cuando ella era chica. ·¦=LZ& ·SL KPNV· *VU LSSH [HTIPtU L_WLYPmentaron de chica. —Pero en este caso el experimento salió bien. De hecho escribió libros buenísimos, por ejemplo Los peligros de fumar en la cama ·TL KPJL *OPYP· *\LU[VZ ZVIYL MHU[HZTHZ ULJYVÄSPH IY\QLrías y otros temas que Mariana maneja muy bien. Sobre todo porque en sus cuentos los personajes son reales, gente que puede vivir a la vuelta de tu casa. —No debe ser fácil escribir historias de terror o de miedo. Y menos en países como los nuestros: ¿cómo hacés para que la historia no parezca yanqui? ·6 WHYH X\L WHYLaJH YLHS ·TL KPJL *OPYP· Yo no puedo ver cine de terror. No me interesa nada. No le creo un carajo a las películas de miedo. —A mí me pasaba lo mismo hasta que empecé a ver The Walking Dead —le digo—. Jamás había visto una película de zombis, pero esta serie puede conmigo. —Sí, es espectacular. Pero no da miedo en absoluto —me dice. —Yo me cago bastante en las patas. —¿Por qué siempre terminamos hablando de series de televisión? —me dice. —O de fútbol. —Sí. De una cosa o de la otra. ¿Deberíamos hacer una revista de deportes o de series, en vez de esta revista de literatura? —Estamos a tiempo. Este es el último número de la temporada. El año que viene podemos hacer lo que se nos antoje. —Qué bien suena eso: “lo que se nos antoje”. —Sí. [

!"#$%&!| SUSCRIPTORES 2012

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CAPÍTULO VI

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