The Rice Trasher | Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Studying domestic

Triple play Three plays come out at literally the same time, good planning guys

INSIDE

On the ball

Because getting wasted in a foreign country isn’t really that different

The University of Texas, Austin is really good at most sports

see Ops p. 5

See Sports p. 9

see A&E p. 6

You won’t believe what UCourt is planning for this years banquet.

Hint: all gold everything.

See P. 2

Volume 420, Issue No. 69 Student-Run since 1969

wednesday, April 1, 2015

Ms. Oscar to come to Rice, again

SJP SWEEPS

BEER BIKE

Houston­-based entertainer Ms. Oscar plans on enrolling at Rice University to pursue a bachelor of arts in the study of women, gender and sexuality. Ms. Oscar, a 2005 high school graduate, made her decision after visiting McMurtry College as a prospective student last month.

According to Ms. Oscar, she was impressed with the college’s world-­class facilities and friendly students.

Everyone was so friendly and excited to have me on campus, and the McMurtry College students’ tips were great.

Ms. Oscar Houston-based entertainer

Don Ostdiek takes a victory lap around the track in celebration of his win in the men’s, women’s and alumni races. “SJP - SWEEP. JUSTICE. POWER,” students chanted.

In an unprecedented move in all of Rice University’s history, Student Judicial Programs won the men’s, women’s and alumni events in last weekend’s Beer Bike races.

Associate Dean of Undergraduates Don Ostdiek was the only biker representing SJP, while SJP Director Lisa Zollner was the only member of the chug team. Despite this decisive victory for SJP, Will Rice College still considers this event their sixth sweep, as Zollner graduated a proud alumna in 1999.

The two-person team defeated every other residential college as well

as the Graduate Student Association after female strippers mysteriously appeared to dance in front of the other teams’ bikers and chuggers.

The strippers’ presence, apart from physically inhibiting the other teams’ ability to bike and chug, constituted a Title IX violation that led to the disqualification of all residential colleges from the races.

According to an email sent to the student body by one of the bikers, SJP made his team consent to step down.

“If I hadn’t agreed to step down from the bike team, I would have been sent to a political prison in

Bosnia,” the student said. “But to be clear, this is wholly, completely, unilaterally my decision.”

Students at the event claimed to have witnessed a male stripper giving Zollner a victory lap dance on the tracks following SJP’s sweep, but according to Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson, this does not constitute a Title IX violation.

“Nothing in the Student Code of Conduct prohibits strippers on campus,” Hutchinson said. “We decide what creates a hostile environment under Title IX using tangible and holistic guidelines such as sad feelings,

nonspecific melancholia, as well as compliance with the three Rs: really nice, really not sexist and really, really ridiculously inclusive.”

In the aftermath of these controversial events, the Women’s Resource Center and the Student Association held forums to address student concerns. According to students, student concerns were not addressed.

Elsewhere in the United States, a college woman was seen crying in her dorm room over petty applications of one of the most important pieces of legislation ever drafted for gender equality.

Dean Hutch eliminates academic advising Orientation Week 2015 will not include a scheduled time for academic advising, but it will remain a possibility if coordinators feel ballsy enough to put their entire reputation with administration on the line, according to Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson.

“Academic advising just doesn’t represent who we are anymore,” Hutchinson said. “Back in the 80s, it was an extremely popular thing to create balanced course schedules fit specifically to students’ needs.

Now that we have so many more pre-meds, we can just sort classes based on the number of A’s and automatically generate schedules.”

However, Hutchinson clarified that he is not banning the act of academic advising, but the session itself.

Hutchinson said these changes were made based on focus groups consisting of all interested parties, such as college masters and himself, and the annual OWeek survey, which indicated students felt uncomfortable during advising.

“Academic advising takes place on the second day of O-Week, when many students are not yet comfortable with the idea that being a college student will inevitably lead to gaining an education,” Hutchinson said. “Just imagine if you came to a new environment and suddenly someone was yelling, ‘Don’t take Gen Chem because the text-

book is unnecessarily convoluted’ at you. We don’t support students harassing each other.”

Dean Hutchinson has announced that after thorough study of peer institutions, anachronistic O-Week activities such as academic advising have been replaced by more constructive bonding activities. Consultants hired from the Dartmouth chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity specially created the events to enhance campus-wide pride.

“We have created a special list that guarantees the bonds fostered during O-Week will last a lifetime,” SAE representative Brock Littlefield III said.

“These include Ivy League activites such as vomlette eating competitions,

dip dogs, elephant walks, washing machine sits, vomit slip-n-slides, quick 6s and of course good old fashioned sleep deprivation.”

The campus-wide O-Week Student Director declined to comment, saying she had not yet been prepped by First Year Programs.

Martel College Peer Academic Advisor Kentrell Owens said he is unsure of how the decision will play out until four-year institutional memory fades away.

“To freshman, PAA superhero and ‘Jones Blows Goats’ shirts will fall into the same category,” Owens said.

“Kinda weird, but evidently easily forgotten — a lot like Rice traditions.”

“I was really impressed by the McMurtry College dormitory, which had the perfect acoustics for dance music,” Ms. Oscar said.

“Everyone was so friendly and excited to have me on campus, and the McMurtry College students’ tips were great.”

But Ms. Oscar isn’t looking forward to just the tip; she is excited to experiences all college life has to offer her. She has already secured spots in extracurricular activities across campus.

According to Ms. Oscar, she will be pole vaulting for the Rice track team and serving as captain for the Rice dance team.

“I’m excited that I’ll be able stay on the pole during my time at Rice,” Ms. Oscar said. “I don’t want to fall out of practice and I think this is the perfect opportunity to keep my skills sharp.”

Ms. Oscar’s plans for Rice are just the tip of a very large iceberg: Ms. Oscar hopes that her studies at Rice will lead her to a position in Rice’s Student Judicial Program.

According to Ms. Oscar, she hopes to help support the women of the Rice community, and defy conventional standards of womanhood.

“I really think SJP can be improved,” Ms. Oscar said. “I’m confident in my ability to show the school that systemic sexism doesn’t come from a woman choosing to use her body as she sees fit.”

Ms. Oscar plans to matriculate to Rice in fall 2015. She has already joined the Student Admissions Council, where she serves as a liaison to the Houston entertainer community and encourages peers to consider Rice for their eduction.

2

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

the Rice Trasher

a Weekly Editorial Students should just give up In light of recent events (see all pages), the Trasher encourages Rice students to remain as apathetic to all important issues as is humanly possible. Previously, we have urged students to take action on matters pertaining to Student Assoiciation legislation, administrative oversight and student culture. However, after serious deliberation, the Trasher editorial board has unanimously decided that the best course of action for the student body is to just fuck it.

Life is too fucking short to give a shit about what happens in an institution where we only spend four years of our life.

Who even cares if our rights are gradually taken away from us under the guise of creating a safe environment? Who gives a flying fuck if, in an effort to put us on par with “peer institutions,” the administration slowly takes away all the quirks and traditions that made us apply to Rice in the first place? Does it really matter if we as a student body refuse to voice our opinions publicly out of a mix of laziness and fear of backlash from adminstraton?

Why try to elicit social change? It’s all just a façade anyway, man. The man is always going to keep us down. What can we do to even stop it? We’re just going to take this acid and keep talking about it. It’s not like we can do anything. It’s probably better if we just end our four years here having been as complacent as possible.

We are all just microscopic bits of dust, aimlessly wandering the universe and completely devoid of meaning or purpose.

We will all one day die and become a part of said dust. Even Ping. So why even fucking bother? Go Owls!

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the collective student body. But who really cares anyway? And what even is the “student body”?

Dude gives money for dolphin research President David Leebron announced on Monday the future construction of the Bobby Casper Center for the Interdisciplinary Study of Ecological Subatomic Dolphin Physics and Phenomenological Material Culture. An initial $5 donation from Bobby Casper (Sam Houston State University ’98) has made the new center possible. The center will be built on the site of the newly constructed George R. Brown Tennis Complex.

Leebron said he envisions the center acting as a cutting-edge space for multi-intersex-entrepreneurial-creator culture to flourish in the emerging field of ecological dolphin subatomic physics and phenomenological material culture.

“I have talked to a number of professors about this, and there is a huge demand for this

Hutch deems ‘Beer Bike’ too offensive for adults After a successful Beer Bike on Saturday, March 28, Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson will be reviewing the event and its legality.

According to Hutchinson, the event proposes ideas and customs that contradict the Rice “culture of care.”

“We will be reviewing the placement of the word ‘beer’ in Beer Bike,” Hutchinson said. “It’s safe to say that beer makes college students highly uncomfortable, and that is not the culture we want at this university.”

He added, “Also, I’m tired of parents complaining.”

Hutchinson will not stop there, however.

According to Hutchinson, the re-evaluation will include a full-fledged investigation into Beer Bike.

“We are also considering eliminating the name ‘bike’ from the title,” Hutchinson said.

“It is uncomfortable for those many students who cannot ride a bike, or suffer from cyclophobia.”

To combat student angst from the decision, Hutchinson said he has a new plan for an event in lieu of beer bike.

“Getting rid of both names in a two-word event is difficult,” Hutchinson said. “But I have a new name that is both fresh and new.

I want to call it: ‘ .’”

It remains to be seen how students will react to the new no-name event. Some said it will be a welcome change on campus. Many students are happy the new name will avoid eliciting any negative reactions from anybody ever, especially legal complaints.

According to Will Rice College sophomore Harry Sach, the new event will be an exciting event that promotes inclusion.

“I really can’t wait for ‘ ,’” Sach said. “I really love how this university will take away things that make this university so different from others so we can fit in with our peers!”

Next week, the university will be looking into Esperanza and how it may be offensive to the Hispanic community.

Soccer stadium does not receive $31.5 million renovations The Rice University soccer stadium will not be receiving a $31.5-million upgrade, sources told the Trasher.

Last semester, the Rice Athletic Department announced a multi-million-dollar project to upgrade Rice Stadium’s facilities. Rice football averaged 18,562 fans per game last season, roughly a quarter of the stadium’s total seating capacity. Naturally, the stadium required an upgrade to accommodate the fans.

Also in fall 2014, Rice soccer continued to play in a stadium deemed “too unsafe for spectators” by the City of Houston. This stadium will not be receiving an upgrade.

According to Director of Athletics Joe Karlgaard, the decision to upgrade Rice Sta-

dium over the soccer stadium was a holistic decision made after careful consideration and reflects Rice students’ priorities.

“When you look at Rice Stadium, you look at a place that can’t accommodate modern fandom of Rice football,” Karlgaard said.

“Besides, who watches soccer anyway? This is America.”

Hanszen College junior and soccer midfielder Laura Shaw said the team’s lack of funding has contributed to a foul, but undestandably unfair situation.

“We don’t have showers in our locker rooms and we can only sit on the bleachers if wearing hazmat suits,” Shaw said. “But we all know the football team needs a five-star hotel in their endzone. It’s cool.”

kind of academic experience that the spaces on campus are not currently meeting,” Leebron said. “I mean, hypothetically, students hoping to work in interdisciplinary dolphin studies. … Well, I don’t even know where we would put the dolphins now. We’re behind the times in this regard.”

Casper, who majored in business administration and works as an office assistant at a local Bank of America, said he decided to donate after hearing that Rice uses specific-purpose donations to determine its growth plans.

“When I heard that Leebz was willing to build a new arts building that didn’t even have bathrooms in the changing rooms for the theater people, I thought, ‘Why the hell not?’” Casper said.

“So I strung together some academic buzzwords and called it a day.”

Casper admitted to not exactly knowing what spaces Rice students desire in the future.

“I hear their student center sucks,” Casper said.

Meanwhile, Leebron said he plans to tap into Rice’s powerful donor base to secure the rest of the funding necessary to make the BCCISESDPPMC possible.

“I am confident we can raise the rest of the money required to bring the BCCISESDPPMC to fruition,” Leebron said, before whispering a final goodbye to Ping as he prepared to embark on a globe-spanning fundraising trip with an indefinite end date, but multiple scheduled trips to China.

CelebrateART presents: ‘Bone the Art’

Following the success of CelebrateART Festival’s 2015 event “Touch the Art,” the event’s coordinators have scheduled another upcoming show titled “Bone the Art.” A “Touch the Art” host who wished to stay anonymous said “Bone the Art” is just a logical follow-up to her organization’s most recent event.

“With ‘Touch the Art,’ we wanted students to engage in art with their whole bodies,” the event host said. “We decided that for our next event, we wanted to narrow our focus onto genitalia.”

The exhibition is expected to include a variety of textured displays for students to bone, including porous bath sponges, pre-heated apple pies, condoms greased with leftover oil from Chipotle, and, for the more daring art en-

thusiasts, extra-coarse sand paper.

The event encourages students to explore different methods of using their genitalia to interact with the art, whether it is “just the tip” or “balls deep.”

Various student performance groups are expected to perform in line with the event’s theme. Since the student performers are considered part of the “art experience,” some expressed concern over what this entails in regards to the titular theme of boning the art.

Kinda Sketchy member Dennis Budde asked audience members in advance to refrain from initiating genital contact with him.

“Please don’t bone me,” Budde whispered fearfully while clutching his behind.

“I have a loving girlfriend.”

NEWS IN BRIEF

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

3

the Rice Trasher

WHAT’S HIP RIGHT NOW INSIDE LOOK: Hit that joint

FASHION: Tight hips

ART:

Stoned hips

VIRTUAL:

Furry pixelated hips

Esperanza somehow evokes social activism Just four years ago, Michael Zable sat in front of his 48-inch Sony TV after a grueling day of high school classes in San Francisco, watching as police pepper-sprayed University of California, Davis students during an Occupy Wall Street Protest. That scene, Zable said, ignited within him a desire to rally for justice.

“It was eye-opening and inspiring watching the students suffer for something so important that they believed so strongly in,” Zable said.

Zable brought that passion for social justice with him to Rice University, where he has organized a die-in for paper servery cup sizes and a hunger strike for Baker College’s residents-only designated lunch times. Now, the Jones College sophomore is embarking on his latest social justice mission: As of last week, he has been preparing the logistics of a candlelight vigil for sold-out homecoming dance, or Esperanza, tickets in the fall semester.

“I was stricken by the events of this year’s Esperanza ticket process,” Zable said.

“It was heartbreaking and morally reprehensible that so many Rice students had to willingly get up at six in the morning to stand in

the line at the Rice Memorial Center for their last chance at a ticket. And even then, Rice Program Council denied many.”

Zable said Esperanza is an event that is meant for everyone.

“Esperanza, to put it in simple terms, is a right,” Zable said. “Everyone deserves a ticket, whether they’ll be having sex on the dance floor or crying into a bucket of popcorn in the back.”

According to Zable, two weeks before RPC puts the tickets on sale, students will gather in the quad by Willy’s Statue and light a candle representing every Rice student — because each student has the risk of not getting a ticket.

“We are doing this to demand justice from RPC,” Zable said. “Each burning candle shows that each student’s Esperanza dreams can be flickered away unless RPC does the right thing and offers enough tickets.”

Zable said this cause is very close to his head and heart.

“Think of all the hot girls in glittery dresses I won’t be able to grind with on the dance floor if RPC doesn’t give us justice,” Zable said.

Leebron joins Rockets, leaves former employer In a letter to Sports Illustrated, Rice University President David Leebron announced Monday that he would return to the Houston Rockets professional basketball franchise for the 2015-2016 season after an 11-year hiatus.

Leebron emerged as a basketball prodigy early in his life with an unprecedented seven-foot vertical leap and intimidating, deep voice. He was recruited by Harvard Law School, which he attended on an athletic scholarship, then joined the Rockets following his graduation in 1979.

Leebron anchored the Rockets’ lineup for a quarter-century, at times nearly making up for the team’s otherwise crippling lack of talent. In 1994 and 1995, Leebron literally single-handedly won the Rockets the national championship after an injury rendered his right hand permanently weak and unable to grip objects such as basketballs or hands.

However, after fellow teammate Yao Ming accidentally fell on Leebron and crushed his lungs in 2004, Leebron left the team to took a position at Rice University in what he said was an opportunity to pursue his dream of being joked about by several thousand college students instead of being idolized by thousands.

Now, according to Leebron, he plans to return

to the NBA starting next year.

“My relationship with basketball is bigger than Rice,” Leebron said. “I didn’t realize that 11 years ago. I do now. I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home.”

In his letter, Leebron emphasized that his decision was for personal reasons only.

“I don’t want anyone believing false rumors: The Board of Trustees is forcing me out because my championship-winning ability completely failed to carry over to Rice; the Board of Trustees is forcing me out because they didn’t laugh at my hilarious Kn-OWL-edge pun; Ping is forcing me to go back to basketball because she only married me for my body,” Leebron said. “These are absolutely not true.”

Duncan College freshman Robert West reacted to the news with dismay.

“One of the main reasons I came to Rice was to be near my idol, Leebron,” West said. “I mean, having an NBA star as president is such an unconventional way to stand out from peer institutions.”

News of Leebron’s announcement also spurred speculation that Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson might attempt a return to his previous status as world champion of curling.

Med center magnetically pulls in pre-med freshmen Unloading stethoscopes, lab coats and proctoscopes less than a mile away from the Texas Medical Center, the record-breaking 1,000,000th Rice student who matriculated because of the university’s proximity to the Texas Medical Center moved into Rice this Friday.

Welcomed by President David Leebron with open arms at matriculation, Lovett College freshman Lily Gray is gearing up for her premed path, which she said she hopes will lead to a career in colorectal surgery. According to Leebron, Gray was placed in Lovett as a reward for making history as the 1,000,000th student who chose Rice because it is across from top labs and hospitals.

“She deserves to have her hard work rewarded by living in the building right next to the esteemed, famous medical center where she will make a name for Rice,” Leebron said.

Leebron said along with admissions, he had contemplated placing Gray in Herzstein, Brockman or Keck Hall as a backup.

“We looked at the living situation compassionately,” Leebron said. “We didn’t want to

place her at, say, Brown College because that college is miles away from the medical center.

So we decided if something in our system broke and we couldn’t place her Lovett, we’d just let her live where she will be taking her classes anyways. The plus side of that would have been not having to interact with students studying ordinary things like psychology and English, but the trade-off was less closeness to the medical center. Luckily, Lovett worked out.”

Gray said being feet away from multiple labs and hospitals will make it easier to overachieve.

“I won’t be restricted to interning at just one lab, like I would be back home in Wyoming,” Gray said. “Here, I can intern at all of them.”

Gray said being close to the medical center also fits her daredevil lifestyle of chugging espresso, chasing squirrels to relieve stress and secretly ripping pages out of the textbooks of classmates who get higher grades than her.

“I can, like, literally go into any one these buildings across the street bleeding or dying and they’ll patch me right up,” Gray said. “That means I have a higher chance of survival here.”

Tennis on a hot streak, literally no one notices

In recent news wholly uninteresting to most of Rice University’s undergraduate student body, the Rice men’s tennis team won the Rice Invitational this weekend. The tennis team defeated George Washington University, Texas A&M, Corpus Christi and the University of Louisiana, Lafayette.

Despite having a respectable 11-11 record on the season and a 11-4 home record, no one seems to be noticing. The team has won four games in a row.

“Tennis is the one with the home runs and touchdowns, right?” Krishna Thiagara-

jan, a McMurtry College sophomore, said. “I came here for the free food.”

The team is one of Rice’s most-successful teams this season. Despite this, many students remain unsure how tennis works or remain oblivious to the fact Rice has a team.

President David Leebron said he was proud of the tennis team’s performance over the weekend and encourages more students to become active in the athletic experience.

“I didn’t know we had a tennis team,” Leebron said. “I’m happy they won though. It puts us closer to our peer institutions.”

4

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

the Rice Trasher

Leebron happiness inversely proportional to students’ Some students have taken offense to Leebron’s plans, however.

Many prospective students chose Rice for its high happiness index.

Despite the claim, Leebron said his plan is still in effect.

“I know what’s best for Rice students,” Leebron said. “As a 60-yearold man, I have the experience to know what college students want and need.”

Other students do not believe Leebron’s plans are effective enough.

According to Ophelia Cox, Rice’s drop in ranking is far too gradual.

“When I chose to come to Rice, it’s because I thought I’d be completely depressed by junior year,” Cox said. “Now I learn I have to be relatively happy for the next few years? How will my degree ever look as good as my those of my peers in the East coast?”

Leebron announced he has plans to leap out of the top 10 and into the bottom 20 by the end of the 21st century as part of his “Vision for the Second Century.”

BEFORE STUDENT HAPPINESS

In the wake of dropping to sixth on Princeton Review’s Happiest Students ranking, Rice University President David Leebron’s happiness has increased.

According to Leebron, the drop in ranking is a cause to celebrate.

“All the top universities in the country have two things: a beautiful library and unhappy students,” Leebron said. “We’ll never have the former, but now we’ve taken one step closer to becoming like our peer institutions.”

Previously, Rice had ranked No. 1 or No. 1 three times for happiest students in the ranking. In 2013’s issue, the Princeton Review ranked Rice No. 2 for happiest students. While the cause for the drop remains unclear, Leebron said it is all part of his “Vision for the Second Century.”

“When I came to Rice, I came with a vision,” Leebron said. “We had to make Rice more like other schools. I want to make Rice like an Ivy League.

For that to happen, our students need to become depressed shut-ins.”

NOW

Reed Thornburg did not write this, and Andrew Stout and Dennis Budde did not collaborate, questions concerns and comments email fuckedup@rice.edu

(mis)classifieds @rice.edu WanteD Market Research 10-20 hrs/wk. No transportation required. Need cyber-savvy individual to hustle hard and generate social media analytics. Work includes obscure Red Bull promotions and Clickhole-esque content. Looking to maximize number of “Likes” and “Shares” on Facebook posts to ALL Rice University student groups. Contact: RUobserver.com Driver/Chauffeur 20-30 hrs/wk or 4 credit hours.

Car, tandem bicycle or tandem longboard required.

Need transport to and from Brown College 20 times per week. Will pay in North Servery burgers.

TUTOR Need Hungarian-as-fifth-language tutor for River Oaks-area two-year-old. Willing to pay for language-intensive fellowship in Hungary. Preferred areas of academic authority: the work of Michel Foucault, 19th century Hungarian literature, the Jewish diaspora, critical food studies. Pay literally infinitely negotiable. Contact: butler@riveroakscountryclub. net BASKETBALL PLAYER If you can put a spherical object into a toroidal object, please contact ricebasketball@rice.edu. Ideal candidate has to duck to get through doors. 40-60 hours/wk. Scholarships available.

Honor council research Conducting study on honor code effectiveness. Looking for individuals who have broken the honor code. Must be willing to sit through hours of questionably legal proceedings.

Call 713-348-HONOR PUBLIC PARTIERS 4 hrs/wk Sat night. Or just 1 hour.

Maybe .5. Just show up. Looking to change perspective of 3,800 undergraduates. Contact: Baker College Socials TUTOR for teaching science. must be available MWF 10-11am to make sure I’m teaching right.

“PIZZA” deliverer Looking for Rice student proficient in English and Spanish. Must have a clear understanding that “pizza” boxes are never to be opened by the deliverer, only by the customers. Specifically looking for “mushroom” pizza. And “acidic” toppings. And weed. $40/eighth.