The Rice Trasher | Friday, April 1, 2022 by The Rice Trasher

VOLUME 106, ISSUE NO. 24.5 | STUDENT-RUN SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2019 lol

BREAKING: Beer Bike Canceled lol

Effective immediately, Beer Bike 2022 and Beer Bike Week celebrations will be canceled, per an email by Rice Dean of Undergraduates Bridget Gorman on April 1, 2022. The announcement comes just weeks after the restoration of Beer Bike to its traditional race format and celebrations. According to Gorman’s email, campus-wide events will be restricted to 10 people, and all bike-riding will be prohibited for 2 weeks to discourage student travel. Unvaccinated students will also be prohibited from consuming alcohol in classrooms. “Besties and short kings, I am so so soooo sorry. I hate this for us. ://,“ Gorman said in her announcement. “I understand this is an L for many of you, but as I like to say, every day is another slay. Ratio!” The Crisis Management Advisory Committee attributes the decision to suspend Beer Bike to an alarming uptick in COVID-19 cases across Rice campus. New testing data for the week

of March 21 to March 27 has revealed a and my sneaky link both got gonorrhea 50% positivity rate for undergraduate last month, doesn’t necessarily mean students (n=2), up 50% from the week they got it from me,” Flover elaborated. before. Bob Esponja, a McMurtry Beer Bike Beer Bike coordinators across coordinator, emphasized his personal campus have disappointment expressed at being unable critical reactions to take shots to the decision Besties and short kings, until he saw to cancel Beer Nelson Mandela, I am so so soooo sorry. Bike. Mill Flover, then even greater a Beer Bike I hate this for us. :// I disappointment coordinator for understand this is an L upon realizing Will Rice College, for many of you, but as that alcohol excoriated consumption the move as I like to say, every day is does not cause a disconnect another slay. Ratio! hallucinations. b e t w e e n He also Bridget Gorman empirical data expressed and campus QUEEN skepticism over policy. Citing the the relation success of Y2K, the first Rice public party between the new restrictions and in two years, Flover rejected the notion student safety. that gatherings posed a significant risk “Woah, is everything I say going in of COVID-19 transmission. the newspaper? F*ck! Sh*t! ******* “It’s, like, just because my girlfriend ***** ****!” Esponja exclaimed before

being asked to please focus on the Beer Bike cancellation. “I feel like the Crisis Management Advisory Committee’s policy recommendations were too specific not to reflect some very niche lifelong insecurity.” “You know what, no biking for a year. Not everyone can ride a bike, okay? Just drop it. Jesus,” a Crisis Management Advisory Committee member told the Trasher, unprompted. They proceeded to threaten to revoke servery access from all bike-riders and to rusticate anyone that approached him. Committee chair Kevin Kirby later corrected these statements, clarifying that the measures were still being discussed and had not yet been finalized. Gorman and Kirby both expressed their optimism for the regular operation of Beer Bike 2023. “I am so proud of our Rice community for their diligence this year,” Gorman concluded in her email. “Maybe next time!”

SA election truthers storm Lovett Hall

FIRSTNAME LAST / TRASHER RAnon Shaman poses in front of the Sallyport.

In the aftermath of the Student Association election last month, in which Benjamin Hutchins soundly defeated Sharpay Swinger, a group of avid Swinger supporters gathered to protest the certification of the Residential College results. In front of a crowd that she claimed to be “huger than any other in the history of the university,” Swinger’s speech was full of violent innuendo. “You’ll never take back our university with weakness,” Swinger said. “You have to show strength and you have to be strong.” The certification of the election was set to be carried out by Kermit Weiss, whom Swinger attacked against during the speech. “Weiss is a moron,” she said. “He is incompetent and should be fired. If I were to give him career advice, I’d tell him to resign.” As Swinger’s speech ended, she warned the crowd that they needed to take action soon. “If you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a university anymore,” Swinger said. Following the speech, the crowd consisting of fervent Swinger supporters and conspiracy theorists stormed Lovett Hall, prompting President David Leebron and other members of the administration to be evacuated via electric scooter. Among the invaders was the so-called “RAnon Shaman,” clad in a fursuit, who was seen carrying a “Make Rice Conventional Again” flag and shouting incoherently from the fourth floor

balcony. The Shaman is also alleged to have forced students to walk the wrong way through the Sallyport, shouting their names, addresses and Social Security numbers. Despite the prevalence of evidence on Twitter, Instagram, and BeReal, RUPD is struggling to find and arrest these invaders. “I dunno,” one officer told the Trasher. “We’re looking everywhere for them… the Academic Quad… West Servery… the Central Quad… West Servery again… We haven’t found any of them yet but have you tried the cinnamon rolls? They’re great, honestly.” After the invaders were cleared from the hall and the certification was

You’ll never take back our university with weakness. You have to show strength and you have to be strong. Sharpay Swinger LOST THE ELECTION

complete, Swinger released a statement on Twitter. “This entire election was a scam, and that is obvious to anyone who bothers to listen to what I have to say,” Swinger’s statement read. “I will never stop fighting to overturn this election #SwingerWillNotBeSilenced.”

2 • FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022

NEWS

THE RICE THRESHER

Willy’s Statue relocation delayed due to supply chain President David Leebron announced on his finsta last week that the Willy’s Statue relocation has been delayed due to supply chain and inflation issues. The statue’s two foot move required a massive timber assembly inspired by the original engineers who flipped Willy backwards. Unfortunately, all of Rice’s timber supply has been occupied by a Rice alumnus who taped all of the wood to his body. The alum, Scru ThaStatu, said he was born for this moment. ThaStatu was last seen fleeing from the Rice Facilities and Engineering building with the wood taped to his body. “I got a degree in Kinesiology because I knew I would have to know how to move around with three tons of mass timber attached to me,” ThaStatu wrote in a letter to the Thresher from an unknown location. “I used unconventional wisdom after I realized commenting on Facebook

year once more timber is produced, but it’s wouldn’t get the job done anymore.” Rice University Police Department Chief possible that it occurs earlier, or perhaps later, according to Clemente Rodriguez Leebron. said they would “[Dean of have known where Un d e rg r a du a te s ] he was headed, but The statue’s move may Bridget Gorman the security cameras told me that we were turned off to still occur in a year once can only give save on electricity. more timber is produced, generic timelines to ThaStatu said he but it’s possible that it students,” Leebron has hid the wood said. “It’s possible and will not reveal occurs earlier, or perhaps that the statue will its location until later move in a year. But the relocation is maybe it’ll happen canceled. David Leebron another time.” “Don’t bother EAGLE SCOUT Leebron said searching,” ThaStatu wrote. “I’ve scattered the wood he’s relieved ThaStatu did not steal the throughout various nearby Lowe's and mass timber for the new wing of Hanszen. “Although we did decide to delay that Home Depots. It’ll be like searching for a construction a day after Hanszen room needle in a haystack.” The statue’s move may still occur in a draw, things could have been a lot worse

Dicks out for Harambe 1

33 38

7 23

10 11

ACROSS

1 with /, sarcasm indicator 2 not me 3 sussy 6 7 krebs’ cycle letters 8( . Y . ) 9 ___ biti spider 10 “boyz in the hood” actress long 11 a vehicle for the road track 17 put together beforehand 19 good lewdle starter 20 paternal moan 21 infection avoided with proper protection (like a magnum XL) 22 result of an accident, perhaps?

DOWN

1 dirtiness often found on wattpad 2 craving more 3 ib alternative 4 Bangs, TX and Climax, Michigan, perhaps 5 gynecologist’s beginning 11 idk guess 12 one may be pitched? 13 roach killer 14 where kacey musgraves and taylor swift slay the awards, for short 15 cbs sports uefa champions league broadcaster Kate 16 idk guess pt. 2 17 8===============D 18 “__ yo!” (can be yelled at a bear)

Words from our crossed writer:

for us,” Leebron said. According to incoming President Reggie DesRoches, pronounced “De-rosh”, he thinks students are excited for the statue to move. “I’m excited to see how different the quad will look once the statue is decentralized two feet to the right,” DesRoches said. “I think we have a good arts program, so our students will hopefully come out strong with new cool designs for the quad.” Students have resumed protests in front of the statue in light of Leebron’s announcement. In addition to signs, they are now selling pocket-sized sculptures of what appears to be an individual depositing feces on the top of the statue. Sculptures can be purchased for $50, similar to the eventual cost per swipe to enter a servery. William Marsh Rice was unavailable for comment.

Rice is all our home! Willy needs to go down now! Stick it to the men!

19 21

EDITORIAL STAFF Nayeli Shad Liberal Censorship Katherine Hui Assistant Editor-in-Chief Retired sports page designer (photo>design tbh) Ben Baker-Katz Resident Misogynist Savannah Kuchar Menace doing cartwheels on a gravel road Morgan Gage Dime Store Cowgirl The Art & The Entertainment Robert Heeter Indesign God Ivana Hsyung Trasher Design Manager Lauren Yu Backpage Weapon Talha Arif Also an Indesign God Daniel Schrager Dad Joke Enthusiast

Timmy Mansfield Trasher Editor-In-Chief Co-Resident Spongebob Expert Ndidi Nwosu Professional Doodler IDK She’s Just Kinda Here I Guess Nikhaz Omar Crossed Word Editer Live Laugh Lover Andrew Kim Trasher Editor Discreditor Jasmine Liou There’s a video section? Brandon Chen Former photo/video/design/web Crossword Writer Potential Food Editor Food Enjoyer HEB Shopper Office Snaccc (the whole meal) Hot Chicken Chen ½ of Chen and Chan All of Chen and Chen Uh, lmao Ivana needs two more lines to make this even

Channing Wang Food Writer Food Editor Food Enjoyer HEB Shopper Office Snaccc Hot Chicken Wang ½ of Chen and Chan All of Chan and Chan Pay attention in marketing no Nicole Lhuillier “help” Michelle Gachelin Two Pitch Bitch Oat milk tote bag claw clip girlie Deema Beram Co-Resident Spongebob Expert (Y'all they fought for this lol)

The Rice Trasher, the official student newspaper of Rice University since 1916, is published each April 1st, every year by the students of Rice University. Letters to the Editor must be received by 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication and must be signed, including college and year if the writer is a Rice student. The Trasher reserves the right to rip your letter to shreds.

Editorial and business offices are located on the second floor of the Ley Student Center, probably lmao, uh, we’re getting displaced at some point, and we’ll eventually be in a fucking basement, probably: 6100 Main St., MS-524 Houston, TX 77005-189

THE RICE THRESHER

Miscellaneous

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022 • 3

JFK returns, tells Rice to stop playing Texas Sammy the

In a shocking turn of events, former president John F. Kennedy returned to Rice Stadium last week to amend his famous 1962 speech. “Why does Rice play Texas?” Kennedy asked. “Fuck if I know.” The 35th president, appearing in public for the first time since his 1963 “assassination,” explained to the crowd that he had faked his death on that fateful Dallas day so that he could run off with his one true love Marylin Monroe. He had stayed in hiding ever since, living in Florida under the alias “Channing Wang,” fearing near-certain retaliation from his wife Jackie’s family. However, after seeing Rice's

recent performances against their in-state sport that Rice is actually supposed to be good at.” rival, he said this was a risk worth taking. “Why does Rice play Texas” was not “I knew I was putting my life in danger, but I couldn’t just stand by and the only famous quote Kennedy decided to watch,” Kennedy said. “They were getting amend on Saturday. “Ask not what you can do for your themselves killed just because of some throwaway line I used in a speech 60 years university,” Kennedy said. “But how you have an $8 billion endowment and still ago. I had blood on my hands.” Kennedy’s revelation comes in the wake have only won 12 games in the last five of a string of less-than-stellar performances years.” Channeling another Cold-War era by the Owls against their former Southwest Conference rivals this school year. It started president, Kennedy ended his speech by calling on in September, when Athletic Director Rice’s football team Joe Karlgaard to lost to the Longhorns take action. by a score of 58-0. Ask not what you can do “ M r . “They had their for your university, but Karlgaard, backups in for three tear down quarters and you how you have an $8 billion this rivalry,” didn’t score a single endowment and still have Kennedy said. point?” Kennedy said. According Not to be outdone only won 12 games in the to CNN chief by their football last five years? presidential counterparts, the historian Longhorns’ No. 1 John F. Kennedy and Kennedy ranked volleyball PHOTO EDITOR expert Douglas team swept Rice the following week before repeating the trick in Brinkley, Kennedy’s actions were a departure from presidential convention. December’s NCAA tournament. “I was just saying this on CNN the While Kennedy has considered revoking his speech over the years, he said the last other day, but it’s quite unusual for former straw that finally made him return was presidents to fake their death and come No. 1 Texas’s sweep over the Owls in their back to meddle in college sports,” Brinkley said. “I would know, I’m on CNN.” opening series of the baseball season. Despite the retraction, Rice’s marketing “36 to 3 over three games?” Kennedy said. “There were plenty of times over the department announced that they will not year where I could’ve come back, but this stop using Kennedy’s original speech in year was something else. And that’s the their publicity campaigns.

Rice Football head coach Mike Bloomberg announces bid for presidency

With the 2024 elections rapidly approaching, a surprising name threw his visor into the ring this week. On Monday, Rice football head coach Mike Bloomberg announced that he would be stepping down from his post to run for president. According to Bloomberg, he had nothing left to accomplish at Rice and felt it was time for a new challenge. “I turned this team around in four years,” Bloomberg said. “Imagine what I could do with our country.” Bloomberg has touted his old school approach to both play-calling and policy, claiming that he’s trying to bring both his teams and the country back to the 1950s. After being told that “run the damn ball“ wasn’t an acceptable campaign motto, Bloomberg opted to highlight the fact that he has improved the team’s win total from two to four in the past four seasons,

vote at the Iowa Caucuses. After the caucuses, and settled on “Slow and Steady!” “I’m a proven program builder,” Bloomberg reportedly called a meeting where Bloomberg said. “Proven. If anyone tells he laid into his staff, according to multiple sources. Fourteen you otherwise, of Bloomberg’s top they’re lying.” staffers entered (Editor's note: the transfer portal our fact checkers I’m a proven program immediately have determined following the this claim to be builder. Proven. If anyone meeting. false or blatantly tells you otherwise, they’re According to CNN misleading). lying. chief presidential In the first historian Douglas debate, Bloomberg Mike Bloomberg Brinkley, if adapted his football NOT A PROVEN PROGRAM BUILDER Bloomberg is able to philosophy to his new arena, attempting to control the clock win, it will be a departure from presidential and play great defense. However, pundits convention. “I was just saying this on CNN the other criticized Bloomberg for his refusal to go on day, but it’s quite unusual for former football the offensive or make a single point. The early returns were not promising, as coaches to quit and become president,” Bloomberg received just two percent of the Brinkley said.

G oo tt W W hh oo ll ee M M ii ll kk ?? W W ee D D oo nn '' tt G

Multiple KOC’s and students have that judgment for whole milk drinking recently spoken out about the perceived customers is institutionalized. “Usually when people order whole stigmatization of dairy milk drinkers on milk in their drinks, we print out their campus, particularly at Coffeehouse. “There are certain expectations that receipts and stick them on a wall behind come with being a KOC,” a Coffeehouse the counter, so we know who among us are employee who was granted anonymity whole milkers,” . Everleigh Latte said they cannot fathom said. “I can’t count the number of times the choice of whole I’ve ordered oat over alternative milk. milk to avoid the “I just don’t cancel culture understand how running rampant There’s no use crying someone could drink at Coffeehouse. But that stuff. They come it’s just not the same over spilt milk, unless to work, carry tote — I miss that fresh 2 it’s non-dairy. If it’s bags like the rest of us percent taste” This employee whole milk, we celebrate but drink whole milk in secret,” Latte said. said they have Dairy Americano “It just goes to show found a community KOC WHO HATES WHOLE MILK that you never really with customers who whisper their whole milk orders, as well as know someone.” Despite the risk of controversy, KOCs in fellow KOC’s who hide their preference for favor of alternative milk said that they are cow’s milk. “Sometimes aafter a hard shift, we all not worried about backlash. “There’s no use crying over spilt milk, huddle in the back and take shots of whole unless it’s non-dairy. If it’s whole milk, we milk together,” they said. Others from the Chaus staff confirmed celebrate,” KOC Daisy Americano said.

Owl transfers to University of Washington women’s basketball

Former Rice and current Washington head coach Tina Langley denied any involvement, but said she looks forward to coaching Sammy next season. Some insiders suspect that Bloomberg had been trying to tank, but decided to resign abruptly when he found out that losing doesn’t get you a higher draft pick in college sports. Bloomberg is the second Rice coach to dabble in politics in recent years after former Rice baseball head coach Matt Bragga ran for office in Tennessee as a founding member of the new Plandemic Party. While it’s not confirmed, it’s also suspected that head swim coach Seth Huston was instrumental in crafting Texas’s new “play where you were born” bill. Athletic director Joe Karlgaard wasted no time naming Bloomberg’s successor, announcing the next day that former New York mayor and business mogul Mike Bloomgren would be taking over the reigns. “Why mess with what’s working,” Karlgaard said.

Editor steps down due to connections with country music

After recent backlash following resurfaced Spotify playlists, Morning Sage, the Trasher Arts & Entertainment editor, has announced that she is stepping down from her position. The playlists in question featured primarily country music. “In keeping with the expectations of the Rice community for myself and my section, I feel this is the right choice. It is with a heavy heart that I leave the Trasher,” Sage said. Current Editor-in-Chief Hannah Cooker was outspoken in her support of Sage, leading to Cooker’s own decision to step down as well when it came out that she followed Sage’s “Country Girl” playlist on Spotify. “I stand firm in my support of [Sage], but I understand her decision,” Cooker said. “Her bravery in the face of these accusations is

admirable. We’d all be better if we were More Like Her.” Sage said that, being from a small town, country music was something valued in the House That Built Her and that unlearning her appreciation for the genre has been a challenge. “I’m so sorry to have let the readers down. You guys mean everything to me and I don’t want you to think that I’m a different person behind the Scenes and Screens,” Sage said. “[Cooker]’s support has meant a lot to me. I’ve been Holding Out for a Hero like our Editorin-Chief to follow me down this path, like Car Wheels on a Gravel Road.” Managing Editor Billy Bob-Quacks declined to comment and will step into the role of editorin-chief for the rest of the year. “No comment,” Bob-Quacks said. Sage wrote an apology to readers in her notes app published on her personal Instagram account last week. The note was later co-signed by Cooker. “What Hurts the Most is that I never wanted to lose the trust of the readers,” Cooker and Sage wrote in their notes app apology. “I Should’ve Said No to listening to these songs. But when readers think Tim McGraw, I hope they think of me.”

4 • FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022

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Math Tutor needed for Lavid Neebron. It doesn’t have to be math… we can just hang out… play some bingo maybe… $2000/per minute Please come I’m lonely The Trasher is a satire issue of the Thresher, written and designed by some of the Thresher staff. For questions or comments, please email dilfhunter69@rice.edu.