The Rice Trasher | Sunday, April 1, 2018

VOLUME 420, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUINED SINCE 1916 | RICEPURITYTEST.COM | SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018

THE NEW “THREE R’S” Incoming Dean Gorman’s “three B’s”: Biking, Beer, Bros

MOVIE OF THE YEAR 5/5 stars: “Jumanji” displays gentle wit, subtle grace

MEN’S SPORTS GONE Athletic director unveils new plan to increase average team quality

SEE OPS P. 5

SEE A&E P. 7

SEE SPORTS P. 11

101 better ideas

Following her installation as leader of the Student Association, newly elected president Ariana Engles declared former president Justin Onwenu’s 100 ideas campaign “ineffective” and “super boring”. Engles announced that it would be cast aside and superseded by her new plan, “RICE 101: 101 ideas for Rice’s (and my resume’s) future.” Those ideas include:

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Develop Rice-Chevron Scholars program Focus energy sustainability efforts on investing in hydropower driven by student tears Require students to have been accepted to at least one medical school to be allowed to graduate matriculate Cryptocurrency major “Significantly more minors” Medical music minor Medical medicine minor “More career-oriented courses for students interested in consulting and investment banking” [Editor’s note: This is a real 100 Ideas suggestion.]

Standardize expectations and experiences for large introductory courses by firing all professors and just having 1 person teach a 1000-student class Free boba for each session at the counseling center Bungee chairs in every classroom Establish a satellite campus in space... like, an actual satellite Get rid of “useless” majors (hello, CogSci) Experiential learning programs for ______ Add mandatory masturbation session to CTIS curriculum (“Hands-on learning”) High-synergy Comp Sci startup shadowing program Franchise Coffeehouse to all residential colleges Augment all Flo Paris menu items with 24K gold Fund support group for people triggered by the Jan. 10 Backpage Require voluntourism for every single pre-med: to graduate, you must inject at least one low-income Nicaraguan with some sort of vaccine without any medical training whatsoever Make the Doerr Institute the 12th college

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22. Ban GSA from Beer Bike (also, from campus — except Valhalla, we’re ok with the cheap beer) 23. Gold medals for everyone who spent 1 hour volunteering for R-HAT 24. Call EMS to revive R-HAT 25. Trim the hedges lower so students consider crossing over to the other side 26. Replace Willy’s Statue with Leebron’s Statue 27. Floating new Sid building in preparation for impeding climate-change-driven inundation of Houston 28. Replace Beer Bike with stationary bikes, but virtual reality 29. Build an innovation space for cryptocurrency mining 30. Add mandatory machine learning curricular component to FWIS #bigdata 31. I don’t know, give some money to humanities maybe?

Running out of ideas...

32. Build parking lot between Duncan College and Jones College 33. Establish mentorship group for white private school kids who can’t deal with not being in the top 1 percent of their class with minimal effort all the time anymore 34. Introduce a program in which current students would pair up with new pre-med students to help ease their transition into life being an actual human being 35. Security camera in every room at every building to maintain student safety 36. Utilize Reckling Park outfield, football field, generally any other unproductive athletic space at Rice for additional parking

… and 65 more about like entrepreneurship or some shit like that

Senate approves mandatory networking course to replace LPAP The Student Association Senate voted unanimously to pass a resolution to replace all the current Lifetime Physical Activity Program course offerings with a required one-hour Networking LPAP for all undergraduates.

Students were upset the previous LEAP proposal came from specific elected SA members instead of the student body, according to Sid Richardson College sophomore Harry Mathers, who introduced the legislation. Unlike LEAP, which included civic engagement, mental well-being, physical activity, financial literacy and cultural enrichment, the networking LPAP, which only focuses on networking, received 51 percent support in the Survey of all Students.

Mathers said the decision to replace all the current physical LPAP’s with the Networking LPAP was an easy one.

“Students waste so much time running and lifting,” Mathers said.

“But those aren’t resume verbs. We need to be doing more analyzing and facilitating.”

Mathers said Networking will

include classes on delivering a firm handshake, practicing restraint of not going ham on free food at networking events and evaluating friendships purely in terms of their utility towards achieving one’s future goals.

“As Rice students, we have four years to find our most lucrative friends,” Rohan Palanki, who cointroduced the networking LPAP proposal, said. “You don’t want to invest too much time in a friendship that won’t pay off. That’s why all my friends are CHBE and [computer science] majors.”

The last class will involve every student forming a giant human knot that the students aren’t allowed to undo, Palanki, a Jones College junior, said. Instead, everyone will have to stand there for the entire period in a physical representation of how connected they are as a result of networking with each other for the whole semester.

“This is more than just Linkedin,” Palanki said. “This is LinkedforLife.”

Emily Lin, another member of the working group, said she

MANDATORY NETWORKING COURSE 99.6% of students oppose the legislation

100 80 60 40

56.8% of students support the legislation

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16.8% of pre-meds care about networking hoped the process of collecting student feedback and passing the legislation would be better than that of LEAP. “A lot of us were pretty upset that they would just decide topdown that students wanted more mental well-being and cultural enrichment,” Lin said.

“But based on overwhelming 51 percent support in the Survey of All Students we know that what all students really want is more opportunities to learn valuable networking skills.”

Caroline Burnam, a Jones

College freshman, said all of the benefits of LEAP are encompassed by the Networking LPAP. “Networking is civic engagement,” Burnam said. “And you can’t have mental well-being without networking, either. Have you never experienced the pure bliss of putting on a nametag and knowing that no one will remember or care who you really are?”

SA President Ariana Engles will present the results of the vote and the Survey of All Students to the Committee for Undergraduate Curriculum next week.

SA DOESN’T FUCK UP ELECTIONS For the first time since… well, nobody can quite remember the last time this happened, the Student Association did not fuck up an election. Yes, we’re not kidding. The SA released a ballot, students voted and a winner was determined in a timely manner.

SA Director of Elections Irma Stevens said even she is stunned by this development.

“Truly, I didn’t know this was even possible,” Stevens said. “I thought it was a Rice tradition to redo the SA election. Frankly, I feel like I’ve failed by sending out only a single ballot.”

Outgoing SA President Justin Onwenu said he is impressed yet disappointed by the election’s outcome.

For years, directors of elections have upheld the lowest of low standards.

Austin Cao

Former Elections Director “My favorite part of the SA elections is how much drama we create by doing everything wrong,” Onwenu said. “It’s the only time people ever pay attention to what we do. I was looking forward to seeing what new way Irma could find to ruin this year’s voting, but it’s too bad, she simply was not up to the task.”

Former directors of elections, including senior Austin Cao, have called for Stevens’ resignation in the wake of the election. Cao wrote in a Facebook post that it is against the spirit of the role to conduct a functional election.

“For years, directors of elections have upheld the lowest of low standards,” Cao wrote.

“Nowhere in the description of the role does it say to, you know, read the SA constitution.”

Unfortunately, due to the SA’s sudden display of competence, only five people voted in the election. According to Wies College senior Veronica Naranjo, the SA failed its students by conducting the election correctly.

“I didn’t vote because I was waiting for the inevitable email about how the SA had to re-send the ballot and it never came,” Naranjo said. “The SA can’t just suddenly display the ability to perform simple tasks; that’s just irresponsible. It creates distrust between us students and our government.”

The election for SA president came down to a single vote, 3-2 in favor of president elect Ariana Engles. Because of the close margin, runner-up Mahdi Fariss has demanded a recount.

According to the SA constitution, this recount will be conducted by the Rice Program Council. The RPC released a statement to the Trasher saying it hopes to have the recount of the five votes done in the next month or two.

THE RICE TRASHER

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NEWS IN BRIEF

EDITORIAL LETTER TO THE READERS

“Mansplaining: From My Perspective” approved for Fall 2018 The office of the dean of undegraduates announced Tuesday that the college class “Mansplaining: From My Perspective” had been approved for the Fall 2018 semester.

The class will be taught by Will Rice College freshman John-Dan Smithers.

Smithers refused to comment on our prepared questions, and instead sent back a manifesto he created after reading the back summary of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.

“Well actually, I just really felt that there was an unmet need that I could provide by giving my perspective, loudly and repetitively,” Smithers said. “I really just felt like women could bend forward more.”

The syllabus includes lessons in which female students give empowering speeches while their male classmates scoff loudly at them, male students get a safe space to voice their hesitations with contemporary feminism, and an experiential learning opportunity in which male students flirt and condescend at a party simultaneously. All to, like,

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018

understand how it works.

The second half of the semester will be research-based. Female students will gather research on sexism in academia, create the slides, and script the presentation.

Male students will present their findings.

“I just feel like women need to improve their research skills,” Smithers said. “But I really feel like men need to have more confidence in public speaking so I’ll have them actually present the information.”

Female undergraduates have mixed reactions to the class, and no women are currently signed up.

“Well actually, I think what females mean to say is they just aren’t ready to be exposed to such higher level concepts right now,” Smithers said. “I predicted this may happen because as victims of sexism, their oppression is too internalized.”

Registration opens on April 9, and the class will be open to — “I just wanted to empower females,” Smithers interrupted.

Thresher opinions section will henceforth be Thresher editorials section The Thresher editorial board has decided to rebrand our opinions section as the Thresher editorials section. To continue labeling these pieces as “opeds” and “letters to the editor” under the umbrella of the opinions section is to do an incredibly dishonest disservice to you, the undergraduate student body at Rice University.

Here’s the truth: All previous op-eds and letters to the editor were written not by outsiders whose opinions we do not select, but by each and every single one of us with our own unique pseudonyms. All of you random Facebook commentators were right — We are “biased.” We are “fake news.” We are “worse than [your] high school newspaper.” Now you’ve exposed us.

No one was paid to write our opinion pieces — except for us, of course. We put the Russians to shame with our disinformation campaign designed to promote our notso-hidden agenda of privileged first-world liberalism and militant veganism (various p. 4, 5, in all past issues of the Thresher).

Our 5,000-like Facebook page, our Twitter account (do people still use that?), our print edition you glance at each Wednesday prior to using it to mop up your friend’s spilled Powerade — all are instruments of nigh-on mind control.

Moving forward, therefore, all our opinion pieces will simply be called “editorials,” and our previous weekly editorial which held its revered left-handcolumn spot will remain a blank space as a symbolic gesture analogous to a moment of silence, our rest-in-peace tribute and recompense for the mislabeled “opinions section.”

In the vein of our newly adopted journalistic integrity, we will look to solicit opinions from Rice students that are not part of the Thresher, and in the groundbreaking event that a non-Thresher editorial board member submits an original piece with an independent opinion, we will use the student body’s blanket tax money to spearhead an entirely new and original Thresher feature titled “opposite the editorial.”

To the Rice student body: We implore you to be the change that you want to see in the Thresher. Write and submit! Look deep within yourselves and ask the questions that truly matter — how can we better guide our pre-meds? To what should we change the Rice mascot to truly represent our general persona as an undergraduate student body? What can we do to make people stop calling us the “Harvard of the South” and instead start calling Harvard the “Rice of the Northeast”? We need your help to truly represent the undergraduate population we claim to serve.

Corrections In last week’s article, “Citing need for 2 percent expense cut, Rice shuts down School of Humanities,” Rice University President David Leebron did not refer to the arts as “useless.” He referred to them as “mostly useless.”

In the article titled “H&D seeks funding for facilities upgrades,” Hanszen College magisters Paul Brace did not use the word “squalor” to describe just his living conditions. He was referring to the living conditions of all Hanszen students, RAs and even dogs.

OP-ED

The pet and the pendulum: It’s only a matter of time Imagine a world in which you sleep on the kitchen’s cold, dirty linoleum. In which you lap tap water from a dish on the floor. In which your only taste of freedom is crawling naked and leashed through the streets of your Cleveland suburb.

This is the matrix of domination that homo sapiens has imposed upon a plethora of our non-human counterparts.

courtesy the six

Leebron abandons V2C2 to follow God’s plan instead After giving up V2C2 for Lent, Rice University President David Leebron has decided to abandon the proposal completely in favor of God’s plan outlined by the musician Drake. In an press conference held on Good Friday, Leebron said Drake inspired him to follow the Word of God in deciding on the Second Coming of the Second Vision for the Second Century.

“V2C2 encompassed a lot of what we wanted for the university, but we just didn’t think it stood as a testament of where the university should be headed,” Leebron preached.

While in his music video, Drake follows God’s plan by handing out money, Leebron took the occasion to say that Rice’s total cost of attendance will top $60,000 for the first time.

Leebron emphasized that the university will continue to be less religious than Texas A&M University. Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson said he was in support of abandoning V2C2.

When asked if he liked the new path of the university, he told us “only partly.”

“I only love my three R’s and my gen chem problem sets, I’m sorry,” Hutchinson said.

You are canine, you are beast.

You did not choose this body, but you cannot escape it. Despite long nights of whimpering, your God has not answered your prayers. And your genitals? It’s best not think of them.

This is the matrix of domination that homo sapiens has imposed upon a plethora of our non-human counterparts. Matter it why that certain beings have feathers or claws or eyestalks? What tenuous argument holds we hominids above the rest of creation? Sickly, we call them “pet,” a term once meaning “indulged child.” But even human children may earn their autonomy eventually. But after 18 years, most of our unwilling companions have already been buried in the box their owners’ flip-flops came in. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

I call upon all of you, my readers, to throw down this newspaper before you reach the end of my mere

soliloquy. Toss it in the recycling bin with gusto and run to the nearest PetCo(rporation), sledgehammer in hand. When the automatic doors to this animal prison slide open, stall your tears — there are others suffering an unspeakable suffering, and you are here to liberate them from the corporate and anthropocentric manacles that they were born brandishing.

Now go. Run past the poloed PetCo(rporation) employees, emitting a feral cry. Unleash the guinea pigs from their dank hovels, enabling them to again roam free on the boundless plains. Release the beta fish into the bayous, allowing them to satiate the bloodlust so deeply entrenched in the very fabric of their being, just as the law of nature intended. Smash the bars that prevent the noble iguana from anointing its loose, scaly skin with the beams of the midday sun.

Ah, you’re still here. Then I can only assume you’re a coward. That’s all right; for many it takes years to wake to the scaffolding of the system in which we are entrenched. But watch me, fair reader. I have the key in my palm — you don’t even need to ask me, I’ve already unlocked your mind. Hark! Come out of your cage.

Do not fret, you’ll be doing just fine.

Will Parker Weiss College Freshman chaggie@rice.edu

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018

THE RICE TRASHER

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R3 POETRY SUBMISSIONS we are all matriculated so reasonable the greatest tragedy is being convinced we are not – dean hutch

he placed his hands on my mind before reaching for my diploma my hips or my lips he didn’t call me beautiful first he called me responsible

how is it so easy for you to be respectful to people he asked milk and rice dripped from my lips as i answered cause people have not been respectful to me – dean hutch

– dean hutch

Rice moves north, citing peer institutions

courtesy museum of modern art

West Lot home to new campus art installation In an astonishingly rebellious statement, half of West Lot has been smothered by a large mass of what appears to be dirt. Seemingly in response to student calls for more parking, the ostentatious mass is the next installation of President Leebron’s Public Art program.

The large-scale earthwork sculpture has been lauded as a metaphor for the crushing responsibility that Rice students feel on a day-to-day basis.

“We’ve started calling it ‘Antpile,’ because you know, it reminds us of how small we really are,” Moody Center Executive Director Allison Weaver said.

“The installation is so spontaneous and feels so permanent – it’s a tragedy that we’ll have to follow our typical protocol for student art and remove it at our earliest convenience.”

When asked how “Antpile” constitutes as student art, Weaver responded that the dirt used in the sculpture was potentially once stepped on by students.

Students disagree with Weaver’s analysis.

“Honestly, it looks like total shit,” Brown College senior Santiago Avila said.

Amidst a campus full of industrial, metal-based creations, this piece

is an intentional return to our organic, universal beginnings. This is complicated by its strategic positioning on the outskirts of campus, where its marginalization — similar to that of the Shepherd School — is indicative of Rice students’ attitude towards any future that turns away from capitalism or the industrial complex.

We’ve started calling it ‘Antpile,’ because it reminds us of how small we really are.

Allison Weaver Moody Center Director But I personally was enamored with the entropy of the piece. Both temporal and static, the space is simultaneously interactive and restricted by traffic men in green suits. In this sense, “Antpile” is uncanny in its formation: its gradual disintegration through erosion and nature force its viewers to come to terms with their own inevitable destruction.

After all, aren’t we all just specks of dirt in West Lot, waiting to be hit by an inner loop bus?

Rice University President David Leebron announced on Wednesday that Rice University will be moving to New York starting next semester, citing the success of peer institutions in the region.

“My colleagues and I did not take this decision lightly,” Leebron said.

“After reviewing a number of high quality locations, we have decided to move the university into the heart of New York, New York, directly into a bathroom of the library of Columbia University.”

Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson said that he was pleased with the decision, and assured students that it would not alter Rice’s unique culture.

“I mean, ultimately, the decision came down to, where can we make the most impact,” Hutchinson said.

“And we believe that increased proximity to our peer institutions like Columbia, Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, Oxford, and the Sorbonne will really allow us to do that.”

Leebron addressed concerns that the decision may had been influenced by his past relationship with New York, and Columbia specifically, where he served as law dean before coming to Rice.

“This has nothing to do with my past experiences in New York, which I loved very much and which was not as humid as Houston,” Leebron fumed. “Though I am excited to see Steve again. Hang in there Steve.

Wait for me.”

Martel College sophomore

Frances Smith said that she was excited by the news, and trusted that the move is best for Rice.

“I mean, do we really need our own campus?” Smith said. “Plus, you gotta admit, that’s pretty much where all the good colleges are.”

Will Rice College junior John Wyatt expression confusion over the announcement.

“What the hell does that even mean?” Wyatt asked.

When asked how Rice will cope with the lack of classroom space, Leebron said that students should be focused on the number of opportunities available to them, not on material accumulation.

“When you think about a university, what you’re really thinking about is a group of people, an inconceivably large endowment, donors, tiny acceptance rates, and an idea or two,” Leebron said.

“Really, worst case scenario, the lack of space means our acceptance rates shoots down, which I don’t see as a bad thing necessarily.”

At the end of the conference, Hutchinson started started to sob loudly as his shoulders began to heave up and down.

“Why don’t people recognize us,” Hutchinson howled. “Why don’t people understand that we’re prestigious.”

Current students will need to reapply to the university at the end of the year. Applications should be mailed to Dr. Gordon, PO Box 273, New York, NY 10011.

THE RICE TRASHER

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SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018

MEN’S BASKETBALL BALL BOY TO TRANSFER Citing his desire to explore other opportunities, freshman men’s basketball ball boy Clayton Hall announced his decision to transfer from Rice University on Twitter last Friday. His decision comes on the heels of every other Rice men’s basketball player’s decision to transfer.

In an exclusive interview with the Trasher, Hall said he did not take this decision lightly.

“I didn’t really want to transfer at first, but once everybody else did it, I didn’t know what else to do,” Hall said.

“It seems like the thing to do these days.

Transferring from Rice to somewhere where, I don’t know, students actually respect student-athletes is all the rage.”

Hall will have to sit out a season from ball boy duties due to NCAA transfer regulations. But he said he believes his decision is worth it.

“A ball boy’s dream is to be treated like a student-athlete,” Hall said. “I’ve been fortunate enough to have my dream come true during my freshman year here on South Main. But at Rice, being treated like a student-athlete means all the students think I’m dumb and don’t deserve to be here. I’m out.”

Hall said he hopes to land a walk-on position at a power conference school

like Vanderbilt University or Duke University. He acknowledged that he may not get the same responsibilities at Duke or Vanderbilt as he did at Rice, but said he is content to sit on the sidelines if it means he can “leave and never come back.”

Head coach Scott Pera said he appreciates Hall’s contributions to the Rice program.

“Wait what?” Pera said. “That kid is transferring? He’s not even a good ball boy. How does he expect to get a job somewhere else? Oh, are we recording?

Yeah, uh, Clayton did a great job as a ballboy. He could really, uh, grab those balls. [Muffled noises] What else do you want me to say? He barely even knew what he was doing. I don’t think he even showed up half the time.”

Rice will now have to recruit an additional seven to ten players plus a ballboy to fill out its roster. Pera said he is looking forward to the challenge.

“Recruiting is my favorite part of coaching,” Pera said. “I love connecting with the kids only to see them leave after a single year. There’s no better feeling.”

No word yet on whether the basketball program intends to change its ‘Rice Rising’ slogan to ‘Rice Departing.’

alamy stock photo

Freshman Clayton Hall, men’s basketball ball boy, is taking his talents to South Beach.

Leebron’s Bracket: Faculty Fight Club Following March Madness, the Rice community participates in the yearly tradition of April Anarchy, a fight club between professors. As the community fills out their bracket in search of an elusive perfect bracket, the Trasher got a copy of President Leebron’s picks for this year’s tournament.

Tran

1. Kripal Byrd 4. Byrd

4. Kincaid Roof

Tran

2. Gustin Gustin

2. McGill Roof 3. Roof

3. Hafner Tran vs. DeNicco

1. Rixner

1. DeNicco

ENGINEERING

4. Luay

DeNicco Rixner

4. Werth

DeNicco

2. Doc C

2. Marquez RichardsKortum

Nicolau

SOCIAL SCIENCES

Rixner

3. RichardsKortum

HUMANITIES

NATURAL SCIENCES

1. Tran

3. Nicolau

CLASSIFIEDS

WANTED

NEWLY-UNEMPLOYED 60-SOMETHING Seeking employment. Experience in university administration, bedtimestorytelling voice, and a fuckton of chemistry. Contact hutchdaddy@gmail. com.

MARIJUANA TRIMMING ASSOCIATE Seeking experience budtenders for cannabis-infused vegan chocolate peanut butter cup startup. Requires hand-eye coordination. Must be willing to relocate to Denver or Seattle. [Editor’s note: this is a *real job offering.* Once again, we shit you not.]

BACKPAGE EDITOR We need more diversity on this page. Please.

This is not satire. We genuinely need folks to fill some shoes. Email farts@rice.edu for details.

POLLEN EXTERMINATOR Seriously. Amirite?

BABYSITTER Must be able to watch Netflix on computer for 3 hours while 4-year olds punch each other in the face upstairs. Don’t forget: if you’re within a mile of campus, you *can* call EMS to save the child who started choking on a

LEGO while you were having “playtime” with your college “friend” on the couch.

TUTOR Literally make $70/hour “teaching” — aka nodding along while getting taught those gen chem concepts you never understood by an AP Chem high schooler who is smarter than you and already got into Harvard. SAT 2380+ required. Contact riveroaksmom@exxon.com.

HOOT MANAGER Oversee 6 employees per shift — two doing food related stuff, two at the register (for some reason) upcharging students $4 for pizza,

and two just looking busy not completely idle.

Must be capable of withstanding heckling from Pub and Coffeehouse employees. Vacation time on Friday nights, Saturday nights, finals and generally any other time that on-campus late-night food would actually be useful to students.

SA PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Needed: Willingness to accept money and advice from outside, possibly conservative, national political action committee. High potential for resume-boosting initiatives. No pre-meds.