VOLUME 420, ISSUE NO. 69 | STUDENT-RUN SINCE 1916
Student credit hour limit capped at 4 The Faculty Senate passed a resolution Tuesday to limit the total number of credit hours to four per semester for all undergraduate students. In order to satisfy the new limitation, chemical and biomolecular engineering will be removed as a major. According to the Committee on Undergraduate Curriculum, research showed that the change would affect only the small fraction of students who hoped to graduate from Rice within four years. “Spending five, six or even seven years at Rice is a great way to really take full advantage of all of the opportunities we have here,” Faculty Senate Speaker James Weston said. “The limits also alleviate problems such as larger class sizes. I mean, why would we work to add more sections and hire more faculty when we can just prevent students from taking classes in the first place? It’s brilliant!” New students who are currently able to drop courses until the last day of classes said they did not feel adequately coddled. “I really cannot be expected nor allowed to take control of my own mental, emotional, and physical health,” Buster Mills, a Martel College freshman, said. According to Weston, the elimination of the chemical and biomolecular engineering major has been discussed for several years. “I mean let’s be frank here, it’s just irresponsible to ask a student to complete 41 hours of core credits,” Weston said. “Also, does anyone actually want to work in a refinery?” Leebron said he declined to comment until the Faculty Senate had voted. He was later informed that the vote had already occurred and the resolution had passed.
RICETHRESHER.ORG | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
Leebron is Cruz’s 5th mistress, sources confirm
An offer he could refuse but, like, didn’t
real fucking photo courtesy rice public media
In the dimly lit ballroom, under the warm glow of the flickering candles, presidential candidate and alleged Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz was seen whispering sweet nothings into President David Leebron’s ear. At press time, sources say Cruz ushered Leebron aside, while the latter giggled about the size of his endowment. [Editor’s Note: This Photo Is Real. We Shit You Not.]
Sexually frustrated students propose Administration ‘Clitoral Thinking in Sexuality’ class declares ‘War on Pollen’
A state of emergency was declared Tuesday as fallen pollen wreaked havoc on sinuses across campus. Spring, a season normally known for mens’ hearts turning to fancy and flowers blooming, was characterized this year with an aerial equivalent to an algal bloom. “This is the worst it’s ever been,” President David Leebron wheezed. “I can’t focus on turning Rice into an Ivy with all of this seed sperm stuff up my schnozz.” In a grave public statement, Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson declared, “[The disaster] makes Reagan’s drug war look like a field of daisies, the war on cancer like rows of sunflowers and ISIS, a bouquet of roses. Imagine all three of those events coming together and producing pollen — that’s exactly what we’re dealing with.” The active war zone on campus, administration has confirmed, will “not impede daily events such as classes,” although they warn that “there may be significant delays in tree-heavy areas such as the Grove, Central Quad and the Inner Loop.” An inside source in Housing & Dining has suggested that emergency Kleenex stations may be erected at flashpoints of the outbreak. Why has the pollen gone pandemic? Some scientists say El Nino. The Religious Studies department alleges that it’s a new-era plague of Biblical proportions. Regardless of the suppositions, the current cataclysm certainly supersedes the Baker College illness of earlier this semester. As Leebron solemnly stated, “No amount of Aller-tec and Mucinex can save us now. We simply need to wait this out, then make it through the blistering summer, and hopefully see a couple decent weeks in late fall before it gets hot again.”
Citing mass sexual frustration and unfulfillment in numerous areas on campus, namely dorm rooms, Fondren study rooms and, most importantly, the vulva, the Student Association has proposed a mandatory class for all freshmen, titled “Clitoral Thinking in Sexuality.” Though the subject matter is still being heavily debated, the syllabus will likely include bumpin, grindin and fulfilling yo woman, with an optional seminar in the spring semester on eating the booty like groceries. “I’m fed up!” Will Rice College junior Anita Kohm said. “Even the most devoted guy spending 40-plus minutes down there gets me nowhere. Rice guys are great at coming up unsolicited and rubbing their wangs on me at public parties, but a girl needs more than that, you know?”
Some students are unconvinced that the class will add anything to their sexual abilities. “I learned everything I need to know about pleasuring a woman from porn,” Jones College freshman Harry Benjamin declared enthusiastically. “The Internet already offers us a wealth of information on the subject. For instance, since buying a subscription to Brazzers I now understand that women love big bald dudes with veiny foreheads. Foreplay usually involved delivering a pizza, picking her up in some sort of ‘bang bus,’ or being her stepson who unwittingly releases her lustful cougar desires. I just don’t think we need a mandatory class.” Others have cited concerns over the logistics of the class.
“Who is gonna pay for this? If this is going to be done right, we need, at the very least, vibrators, role play outfits and blueberry-scented lube. That shit does not come cheap,” worried Wiess College sophomore Richard Killinit said. Elsewhere, many students have criticized the plan to have graduate students teach the class because, well, that’s fucking creepy. Another controversial aspect of the bill involves a proposed lab component; however, proponents of the lab point to Rice’s ideal facilities. “I don’t know if you’ve been to Abercrombie laboratories, but shit is fucking nuts in there. They have swings, dungeons, glory holes, we’d be fools not to use it for this class!” Kohm said.
The proposal is slated to go before the Faculty Senate, where proponents hope to find support among faculty who relate to their plight. Dean of Undergraduates John Hutchinson offered his support in a statement to the Trasher. “I think this class is great! It follows all of my three Rs: Reverence for the vulva and the yonnic power of women; Realistic — Rice men will never realistically stimulate their partner in a manner consistent with our peer institutions without this class; and Rubbing — not too much but not too little, just enough to get the job done.” If this bill is successful, the White Heterosexual Cisgender Male Resource Center plans on following up with a class proposal of its own titled, Critical Engagements with the Prostate.
Leebron announces new Followership Institute President David Leebron announced Friday that alumnus Conway Roland Aubrey Windemear (Wiess ’99) has decided to donate $52.4 million to Rice University in order to establish a new initiative for students, the Windemear Institute for New Followers. “I’m happy to be putting this money forward to establish the Institute,” Windemear said. “I honestly couldn’t think of any greater cause in the world than trying to teach Rice students to be better at a fundamentally unteachable concept like followership, leadership or entrepreneurship. Besides, it’s about time I started paying for my name to be on something.” The Institute, which will be headed by renowned former caboose driver Mike McDuncerson, is aimed at the
ability of students to be followers and “to really figure out what followership means to them personally,” according to Windemear. McDuncerson said being a follower is critical to getting ahead in the current media-driven, corporate job landscape. “Some of the existing leadership programs on campus actually have given us something of a head start in followership,” McDuncerson said. “I mean, if followership isn’t blindly signing up for a new initiative en masse because its use of buzzwords eases your deeply rooted fears about your career, I don’t know what it is!” Leebron said improving students’ abilities to follow could lead to better results in the business world. According to Leebron, Rice suffers from a lack
of resources directed towards students’ entrepreneurial development. “If you’re a student who wants to become an entrepreneur, there are just a few places on campus you can turn to,” Leebron said. “Right now there’s only the Rice Center for Engineering Leadership, Rice Launch, Rice Conversations, the Leadership Rice Mentorship Experience, the Rice Alliance for Technology and Entrepreneurship, the Jones Entrepreneurship Club, Entrepreneurship@Rice, Owlspark, pitch contests, the Rice Center for Engineering Leadership, Rice Launch and the Rice Alliance for Technology and Entrepreneurship.” “Oh, I forgot the McNair Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation and the Liu Idea Lab for Innovation and
Entrepreneurship,” he added. “Or is it the other way around? Did I say Rice Launch twice? Regardless, this situation needs to change — students need more options.” Leebron said more followership initiatives were in the works. “We’re currently a little stuck on name development,” he said. “Turns out there are only so many ways you can cram together ‘Rice,’ ‘Leadership,’ ‘Entrepreneur,’ ‘Innovation,’ and so on in a sentence. Plus, I can’t use my thesaurus app right now because I dropped my iPhone in a pitcher of beer at Valhalla last week.” Leebron was last seen crying after reading a press release about Princeton University’s new $152.4 million Archibald Initiative for Student Followers.