10 pages tpts final

The Personal Turnaround System How to get from Turmoil to Peace and Enjoy the Journey

by Shirley Roeloffze

COPYRIGHT 2014 SHIRLEY ROELOFFZE All rights reserved. This book is protected by South African and International copyright laws. The reproduction, modification, distribution, transmission, re-publication, or display of the content in this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission from Shirley Roeloffze.

TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION

1

Family transformation

6

The Personal Turnaround System

8

PART 1: MINDSET – WHERE IT ALL STARTS

13

INTRODUCING MINDSET – WHERE IT ALL STARTS

15

What is “mindset”?

15

How does my mindset affect what I say and do?

18

Did he choose unemployment?

21

Assumptions (briefly)

24

Action

24

Windup

25

MINDSET TOOL 1: KNOW YOURSELF

27

The shock of awakening

28

Turn on the light

30

Good news

32

Action

35

Windup

35

MINDSET TOOL 2 : RE-FRAME – IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC 37 Re-framing is your best friend

37

Frame of reference

39

How can I see this differently?

41

Do I see you as a problem?

43

You can choose to choose

46

Action

47

Wind up

47

MINDSET TOOL 3: STOP GETTING ANGRY

49

The explosion

49

The prison of anger

51

The disputed parking place

52

Action

57

Windup

57

MINDSET TOOL 4: ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

59

Give up the blame game

59

Gratitude

61

The slippery slope

63

Dealing with aging parents

65

Action

69

Wind up

69

MINDSET TOOL 5: CLARIFY ASSUMPTIONS Great examples of assumptions

73 74

Heading which way?

74

Marriage is no different, right?

75

I’ll make a will when I’m going to die

76

The medicines

77

Free dinner

78

The bed linen

78

Career limiting rejoinder

79

The big mango tree

80

How much is it worth?

82

Action

83

Windup

83

PART II : DIALOGUE – WHERE THE SHIFT SHOWS INTRODUCING SHOWS

DIALOGUE

–

WHERE

THE

What is “dialogue”?

DIALOGUE TOOL 1: ELIMINATE BARRIERS

85 SHIFT 87 87 91

Barrier 1: Verbal violence

92

Barrier 2: Power play/playing games

95

Barrier 3: Fear

97

Action

98

Windup

98

DIALOGUE TOOL 2: CREATE A SAFE SPACE

101

Reduce addiction to being right

102

Choose not to pull rank

104

Persevere

106

Action

109

Wind up

109

DIALOGUE TOOL 3: CONVERSE COURTEOUSLY Listen for information, not to argue

111 111

Speak your truth quietly and clearly.

113

Check understanding

115

Action

116

Windup

117

PART III :PEACE – WHERE YOUR POWER IS STORED

119

INTRODUCING PEACE – WHERE YOUR POWER IS STORED 121 PEACE TOOL 1: GIVE UP ATTACK

123

Understand – to attack is to fail

123

Re-frame the “enemy”

124

Look for innocence

126

The sheep in wolf’s clothing (did you notice this reversal?)

127 Action

129

Windup

129

PEACE TOOL 2: REDUCE CONFLICT

131

Understand that values are primary

131

Develop insight into others’ needs, perspectives and values 135 Recognise your teacher

139

Action

140

Wind up

140

PEACE TOOL 3: REMAIN PEACEFUL

143

Get out of the ego

144

Drop expectations

147

Be trustworthy

150

Rosaline

151

Daniel

153

Arwind

158

Action

158

Windup

158

PEACE TOOL 4: RELY ON PERFECTION

161

What is “the Truth”?

161

Learn how it works

167

Awaken to our fully connected universe

168

Broken day/night switch

169

Recovery of the Skyline

170

Action

174

Windup

174

PEACE TOOL 5: LAUGH - THE GREATEST SECRET

177

Choose to laugh

177

The angry drivers

178

Return to peace

180

When in Paris …

180

Heartache from our children

181

Action

183

Windup

184

CONCLUSION The electricity disaster

187 187

Looking back on our journey

192

Mindset

192

Dialogue

194

Peace

196

The dog with a curved tail

197

Finally

198

NEXT STEPS

201

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

203

INTRODUCTION

A

s I watched my husband’s car turn out of our drive for the last time and head down the road, I felt a huge surge of relief. At last it was over – 25 years of marriage. Thank God. And he had taken with him all his paper and brushes and pens and inks and coloured sand and pencils and erasers and knives and copper sheets and engraving pens he used for his different types of art which had covered every surface in the house for years and years.

A month or so later there was the divorce hearing, which I didn’t attend. Instead I went out to my favourite game reserve.

Standing on a tall rock, gazing over the hills and sandy soil and coarse grass and protea bushes and zebras in the distance under a blue sky, I acknowledged the closure of my marriage and the beginning of the rest of my life.

Yet, after a couple of years, we managed to put the anger behind us. We returned to friendship and caring. We saw each other every couple of weeks. I visited him a lot in hospital as his emphysema and congestive heart failure weakened him, debriefed with him his near death experiences and promised to sit by his bed and read him the Bhagavad Gita when we knew he was dying.

In case he died suddenly, we would regularly say to each other, “If anything unexpected happens, remember that I love you and I’m glad we were friends in this lifetime.” We talked about the good times and the bad times, expressed our apologies and our thanks, and kept up to the minute in terms of our thoughts and insights.

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Introduction So when the hospital phoned at two in the morning to say he had died, I phoned the kids and we went to see him. I was glad I had visited and we had chatted just the previous afternoon. I think it’s true to say that, rather than a sense of sorrow, we were glad for him that he no longer had to battle for every breath aware every day that, coming sometime soon, but not knowing when and how it would be, his death awaited him.

It was only subsequently, when I heard of people who had parted in anger and with contemptuous words, after which one of them had died unexpectedly, that I began to appreciate properly how fortunate we had been in clearing away the trash beforehand. The survivor lives with the impossibility of finishing the conversation, sometimes with a lifetime of resentment unexpressed and unhealed.

But I’ve jumped ahead.

Con drove down the road and, after 25 years, we were divorced in July. In August my mom injured her right arm and struggled to cook and drive a car. In September my dad fell, knocked his head quite badly and lost most of his hearing as a result. In November my best friend and soul mate died tragically and in December my former in-laws of 25 years refused to come and see me when they visited South Africa.

But the most catastrophic was the death of my soul mate and best friend.

I personally discovered the circumstances under which suicide seems like a very sensible option and was suicidal for a year.

If you are in the outermost extremes of agony every second of the day, and it seems to you there is no possibility of this changing because the cause of it cannot change, continuing to live has no meaning.

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