The Personal Turnaround System How to get from Turmoil to Peace and Enjoy the Journey
by Shirley Roeloffze
COPYRIGHT 2014 SHIRLEY ROELOFFZE All rights reserved. This book is protected by South African and International copyright laws. The reproduction, modification, distribution, transmission, re-publication, or display of the content in this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission from Shirley Roeloffze.
TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION
1
Family transformation
6
The Personal Turnaround System
8
PART 1: MINDSET – WHERE IT ALL STARTS
13
INTRODUCING MINDSET – WHERE IT ALL STARTS
15
What is “mindset”?
15
How does my mindset affect what I say and do?
18
Did he choose unemployment?
21
Assumptions (briefly)
24
Action
24
Windup
25
MINDSET TOOL 1: KNOW YOURSELF
27
The shock of awakening
28
Turn on the light
30
Good news
32
Action
35
Windup
35
MINDSET TOOL 2 : RE-FRAME – IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC 37 Re-framing is your best friend
37
Frame of reference
39
How can I see this differently?
41
Do I see you as a problem?
43
You can choose to choose
46
Action
47
Wind up
47
MINDSET TOOL 3: STOP GETTING ANGRY
49
The explosion
49
The prison of anger
51
The disputed parking place
52
Action
57
Windup
57
MINDSET TOOL 4: ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
59
Give up the blame game
59
Gratitude
61
The slippery slope
63
Dealing with aging parents
65
Action
69
Wind up
69
MINDSET TOOL 5: CLARIFY ASSUMPTIONS Great examples of assumptions
73 74
Heading which way?
74
Marriage is no different, right?
75
I’ll make a will when I’m going to die
76
The medicines
77
Free dinner
78
The bed linen
78
Career limiting rejoinder
79
The big mango tree
80
How much is it worth?
82
Action
83
Windup
83
PART II : DIALOGUE – WHERE THE SHIFT SHOWS INTRODUCING SHOWS
DIALOGUE
–
WHERE
THE
What is “dialogue”? DIALOGUE TOOL 1: ELIMINATE BARRIERS
85 SHIFT 87 87 91
Barrier 1: Verbal violence
92
Barrier 2: Power play/playing games
95
Barrier 3: Fear
97
Action
98
Windup
98
DIALOGUE TOOL 2: CREATE A SAFE SPACE
101
Reduce addiction to being right
102
Choose not to pull rank
104
Persevere
106
Action
109
Wind up
109
DIALOGUE TOOL 3: CONVERSE COURTEOUSLY Listen for information, not to argue
111 111
Speak your truth quietly and clearly.
113
Check understanding
115
Action
116
Windup
117
PART III :PEACE – WHERE YOUR POWER IS STORED
119
INTRODUCING PEACE – WHERE YOUR POWER IS STORED 121 PEACE TOOL 1: GIVE UP ATTACK
123
Understand – to attack is to fail
123
Re-frame the “enemy”
124
Look for innocence
126
The sheep in wolf’s clothing (did you notice this reversal?) 127 Action
129
Windup
129
PEACE TOOL 2: REDUCE CONFLICT
131
Understand that values are primary
131
Develop insight into others’ needs, perspectives and values 135 Recognise your teacher
139
Action
140
Wind up
140
PEACE TOOL 3: REMAIN PEACEFUL
143
Get out of the ego
144
Drop expectations
147
Be trustworthy
150
Rosaline
151
Daniel
153
Arwind
158
Action
158
Windup
158
PEACE TOOL 4: RELY ON PERFECTION
161
What is “the Truth”?
161
Learn how it works
167
Awaken to our fully connected universe
168
Broken day/night switch
169
Recovery of the Skyline
170
Action
174
Windup
174
PEACE TOOL 5: LAUGH - THE GREATEST SECRET
177
Choose to laugh
177
The angry drivers
178
Return to peace
180
When in Paris …
180
Heartache from our children
181
Action
183
Windup
184
CONCLUSION The electricity disaster
187 187
Looking back on our journey
192
Mindset
192
Dialogue
194
Peace
196
The dog with a curved tail
197
Finally
198
NEXT STEPS
201
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
203
INTRODUCTION
A
s I watched my husband’s car turn out of our drive for the last time and head down the road, I felt a huge surge of relief. At last it was over – 25 years of marriage. Thank God. And he had taken with him all his paper and brushes and pens and inks and coloured sand and pencils and erasers and knives and copper sheets and engraving pens he used for his different types of art which had covered every surface in the house for years and years. A month or so later there was the divorce hearing, which I didn’t attend. Instead I went out to my favourite game reserve. Standing on a tall rock, gazing over the hills and sandy soil and coarse grass and protea bushes and zebras in the distance under a blue sky, I acknowledged the closure of my marriage and the beginning of the rest of my life. Yet, after a couple of years, we managed to put the anger behind us. We returned to friendship and caring. We saw each other every couple of weeks. I visited him a lot in hospital as his emphysema and congestive heart failure weakened him, debriefed with him his near death experiences and promised to sit by his bed and read him the Bhagavad Gita when we knew he was dying. In case he died suddenly, we would regularly say to each other, “If anything unexpected happens, remember that I love you and I’m glad we were friends in this lifetime.” We talked about the good times and the bad times, expressed our apologies and our thanks, and kept up to the minute in terms of our thoughts and insights. 1
Introduction So when the hospital phoned at two in the morning to say he had died, I phoned the kids and we went to see him. I was glad I had visited and we had chatted just the previous afternoon. I think it’s true to say that, rather than a sense of sorrow, we were glad for him that he no longer had to battle for every breath aware every day that, coming sometime soon, but not knowing when and how it would be, his death awaited him. It was only subsequently, when I heard of people who had parted in anger and with contemptuous words, after which one of them had died unexpectedly, that I began to appreciate properly how fortunate we had been in clearing away the trash beforehand. The survivor lives with the impossibility of finishing the conversation, sometimes with a lifetime of resentment unexpressed and unhealed. But I’ve jumped ahead. Con drove down the road and, after 25 years, we were divorced in July. In August my mom injured her right arm and struggled to cook and drive a car. In September my dad fell, knocked his head quite badly and lost most of his hearing as a result. In November my best friend and soul mate died tragically and in December my former in-laws of 25 years refused to come and see me when they visited South Africa. But the most catastrophic was the death of my soul mate and best friend. I personally discovered the circumstances under which suicide seems like a very sensible option and was suicidal for a year. If you are in the outermost extremes of agony every second of the day, and it seems to you there is no possibility of this changing because the cause of it cannot change, continuing to live has no meaning. 2