Rooster Magazine August 2011 by Rooster Magazine

AUGUST 2011

FIVE REASONS WE DISLIKE HIPSTERS

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CONTENTS AUGUST 2011

FEATURED:

Bunk-bed Sex Positions

52 35

Dislike for Hipsters

You might have noticed by now that we at Rooster have a dislike for many things. At the top of that list is the new trend of hipster coolness: mustaches, exorbitant accessories, rats-nest hair and anticonformity theory while shopping at Urban. Over the summer, the constant sight of hipsters irritated us until we couldn’t take it anymore and we had to put a stop to this madness. “Hipster” is the new “hippie,” and for that reason, we can’t let this trend continue.

Music Section

We’ve revamped Rooster’s music section to incorporate more music, more concerts and more entertainment. The local musician page highlights Colorado artists on the up and up. The national music page will showcase an interview or story involving a popular national act. Finally, we included more upcoming shows, music news and music charts to help keep you aware of the scene. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Facebook Idiots

Just because Facebook offers you the ability to communicate effortlessly doesn’t mean you should always do so. With that in mind, we compiled a list of Facebookers who really piss us off. No, we don’t care where you are, so don’t check in, and no we don’t need inspirational quotes to get through our days, and no we don’t want to go to your parties that happen every week, so stop inviting us.

57 60

When in the dorms, it’s important to stay on top of your game. Whether that includes sneaking extra food from the cafeteria or impressing the opposite sex, you should always be on your game. In this case, our resident sexpert is helping you reinvent dorm sex with a few simple positions that involve the bunk bed. Warning: Rooster accepts no responsibility for any injuries occurring from these positions.

FreshmAn mistakes Alright freshies, whether you try to avoid it or not, you’re going to make mistakes: like scheduling that one 8 a.m. class, taking that one last shot, sleeping with that one black sheep on your floor, and hitting that snooze button one more time. At Rooster, we like to think of ourselves as that nurturing mother bird who helps foster their young into the new world. While that sounds slightly wrong, our list of mistakes are not, and in the end, will help you immensely.

Lazy Health

Going to the gym is so tiring. Isn’t it time we developed a workout in which you can do absolutely nothing? Well, we have. Rooster’s lazy health tips require that you don’t do a single thing except live your life. Using activities already found in your daily routine, like sleeping, we composed the perfect health regimen. Go get ‘em, sport.

The usual: 8 EVENTS 20 CLASSMATE 23 DEAR IBBY 24 FOOD 30 BLIND DATE 59 BEER OF THE MONTH 66 BOULDER BAR 69 CONFESSIONS 72 GAMES 74 HOROSCOPES 85 COUPONS

Rooster opinion

Editor’s Word Welcome back, everyone. As you’ll notice, Rooster has received a facelift. Inside the magazine, our spreads now have a different look and feel, and are as beautiful as that one girl after a couple margaritas. We’ve also expanded our coupon section to offer more great deals for all struggling students and young professionals. In our happy hour section, we’re offering daily drink and food specials so that your withdrawal shakes don’t have to last until happy hour. In another expansive move, we’ve enhanced Rooster’s music section to incorporate local and national bands, in additon to industry news and music charts. We hope you enjoy it—and if you don’t, well, we don’t care. You’ll also notice our logo has a new design. This will all make more sense when you visit Rooster online. Yep, I said it: we are launching a website. After all the hater emails about our lack of an online presence, we finally conceded to peer pressure and will be launching our website this fall. In short, everything you love about Rooster will be there to satisfy all of your entertainment needs. We are thrilled to finally take Rooster online, and we hope you’re as excited as we are for this new venture. Lastly, we are now offering subscriptions to the print magazine. Yes, we know, it’s a free publication; why would anyone ever pay for it? In truth, the subscriptions are for readers who might not be able to access a copy of the magazine, for readers who want it sent directly to their homes, or for the church down the street that needs something to burn. If you need another reason to buy a subscription, think of it as a donation to the Save-the-RoosterOffice’s-Keg-o-rator foundation. Welcome back to another year of school and Rooster. We’re excited to offer you a better product—and more of it. As always, enjoy the issue, keep learning and dream big. Because Gordon Ramsey sucks at life, we recommend you stop watching “Hell’s Kitchen” and all that crap, and switch over to “Shameless” on Showtime. It’s so dysfunctional, it makes the Rooster office seem normal. Yours truly, Simon Berger

Rooster Staff

Publisher: Ethan Sklar Editor-in-Chief: Simon Berger Managing Editor: Amy Segreti Associate Editors: Isabelle Kohn, Erin Moriarty, Michael Flora, Dina Hood Contributors: PJ Nutting, Vi Doan, Hope Nartonis, Jay Wheeler Bennett, Andrew Flora, Cree Cornejo, Rachel Worthy, Liz Waldmann, Myles Wallingford Lead Designer: Casey Thomas Advertising Director: Davin O. Burke Account Executive: Kit Love Robertson Account Executive: Dominik Schatz Photo Contributors: Molly Burns, Duncan Moore, Matt Angiono, Steve Conry

19th St

All contents of Rooster Magazine including logo are copyright 2011. Rooster does not assume responsibility for any unsolicited manuscripts, artwork or photographs. The opinions and experiences of the authors are strictly their own and not those of Rooster. Rooster does not advocate the use of drugs, legal or otherwise, nor is it responsible for the actions of its readers.

Phone: 720-583-6674 Email: roostermagazine@gmail.com

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Photo Credits Classmate and Savoy photos: Cinesthetics

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Letters Editors to the

ROOSTER

May 2011

Rooster opinion Dear Rooster,

Hi Rooster Magazine!

I read through the music festival issue of the Rooster, and I found that the Dear Ibby section was horrible. I personally don’t find advice from a person who writes as if she’s just copied and pasted an instant messenger chat too appealing—a chat quite possibly based between two high-school aged idiots at that. Advice to slip a guy Adderall, wrap a girlfriend in saran wrap, and to post yourself on Craigslist? Are you serious? First, you’re going to get someone killed—Adderall can be overdosed to the point of coma and death. Eight hours of saran wrap can kill a person by epidermal suffocation. Secondly, the way to be attractive to girls was right on point. Congratulations, you can identify a man you deem attractive... Now if you only didn’t recommend that a person create a sex ad on Craigslist. This guy already sounds like a raving pedophile. How about in lieu of the statement; “...Craigslist, the world’s best dating site,” you just write, “The world’s greatest rape database.”

I love the blind date section and want to be your next dater. I am a fun loving girl looking to go on a hot blind date. I am super outgoing, friendly and laid back. In my free time I enjoy yoga, frequenting happy hours, playing board games (I am especially good at naming my children in the game of Life) and dancing the night away. I’m looking for a guy who is a real mountain man. You know, facial hair, flannel shirts the whole nine yards. I want him to be the type to take me river rafting, hiking through the woods or to a bluegrass festival on our second date. But he also has to be sweet while having an outrageously fun personality. Holler once you have found a perfect match! Cheers, C.L.

—A.O. Silicon Boulder

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Our guide to Boulder’s burgers.

Please send your love and hate to RoosterMagazine@gmail.com.

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BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER & LATE NIGHT 7

Rooster events

August Events Because we care.

Colorado Shakespeare Festival

Larimer County Fair & PRCA Rodeo

Dates: August 2-14 Time: Varies Find it: CU

Dates: August 5 - 9 Time: 9 p.m. Find it: Budweiser Events Center, Loveland, Colo.

Rooster might be lowbrow, but you don’t have to be. You and a date can get your first taste of good theatre from one of four great plays taking place on CU’s campus. Think of it this way: you can either take your date to the new Harry Potter film, or a baller play at an outdoor amphitheater. It’s your move, Don Juan.

Let out your inner redneck at the Larimer County Fair and PRCA Rodeo. We honestly can’t think of a better way to begin a weekend than with Hambone Express Pig Races, in which fat little piggies race around a track for our amusement. Place your bet, but remember Rooster plays for keeps, so if your piglet loses, he may just be tomorrow’s pulled-pork sandwich.

Boulder Outdoor Cinema

Boulder Asian Festival

Disco Bowling

Dates: August 6, 13, 20 and 27 Time: 8:30 p.m. Find it: Behind the Boulder Museum of Contemporary Art on 13th St.

Dates: August 13-14 Time: 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Find it: Boulder Courthouse Lawn

Date: August 18 Time: 9 p.m. onward Find it: UMC Connection

The Boulder Asian Festival showcases the art and culture of local Asian-Pacific communities through music, song, dance, visual artistry, crafts and Rooster’s favorite food. Embrace your Asian heritage or celebrate other people’s—it’s all good. Between the origami classes and the hula girls, we know we’ll have our hands full.

Late-night bowling? Check. Beer? Check. Disco ball? Check. That meets all of our requirements for a good time—and how can you not have a good time when there’s a disco ball, for God’s sake? Disco fever is best when properly dressed; make sure you roll in style with bell bottoms, a sequined shirt, a fake afro and the ever-classy goldfish dance boots.

Pecha Kucha Date: August 4 Time: TBA Find it: Boulder Museum of Contemporary Art Pecha Kucha is a Japanese tradition of sharing one’s unique life experiences. So if your friends are tired of hearing about how you saved sea otters from an oil spill, you can tell some strangers. This is a unique opportunity to share and listen to presenters with unique experiences and perspectives. Each presenter will bring 20 images and have 20 seconds to talk about each one.

There seems to be something almost criminal about wasting a beautiful summer evening indoors at the movies. Avoid getting locked up by checking out Boulder’s Outdoor Cinema. August films being screened for your viewing pleasure are: Aug. 6, “Fantastic Mr. Fox”; Aug. 13, “O Brother Where Art Thou?”; Aug. 20, “Monty Python & the Holy Grail”; and Aug. 27, “The Hangover.”

To have an event listed, please email RoosterMagazine@gmail.com. 8

Rooster Events

CU’s 2011 WelcomeFest

Date: August 20 Time: 6 p.m. Location: Farrand Field, CU CU’s Program Council knows that the best way to win the hearts of freshmen isn’t via their intro to calculus class, but by throwing them an awesome party before classes even start. After dominating the main stages of Aspen’s Snow Ball in March and the Global Dance Festival this summer at Red Rocks, Big Gigantic and Paper Diamond are throwing down their untamed, unadulterated sound as headliners at CU’s 2011 WelcomeFest Concert on Saturday, August 20. And the best part is, the concert is free for all registered CU-Boulder students. Program Council has held the show on Farrand Field every year since most of us can remember, bringing acts like Pretty Lights, 3OH!3, Asher Roth and Chiddy Bang in the last several years. You don’t want to be the freshman chump watching this show alone in your dorm room or the super senior who gets caught trying to sneak into a free show. Have your Buff One Card for entry and get to Farrand Field early to beat the thousands of students who turn out every year. Join the Rooster at WelcomeFest as we bring in the new school year with style and give one last salute to summer. Find more information at www. programcouncil.com.

NedFest 2011

Dates: August 26 - 28 Time: Gates open at 10 a.m. Location: Nederland When NedFest comes to town it means one thing: bluegrass-loving hippies take over Nederland. Come to think of it, Nederland is a whole town of bluegrass-loving hippies, so it’s not so much a takeover as a coming together. Jam bands, blue grass music and hippie drum circles infest the waters of NedFest, which means this is one of the chillest, most awesome local music festivals around. If you’ve never been to Nederland, it’s like Boulder minus pretentious restaurants like The Kitchen, and if a one-time-only super-group performance featuring The Grateful Dead’s Bill Kreutzmann on drums, Steve Kimock on guitar, String Cheese Incident’s Kyle Hollingsworth on keys and the Funky Meters’ George Porter Jr. on bass sounds like your kind of show, then NedFest is for you. Other headliners include mandolinist David Grisman, Animal Liberation Orchestra, Great American Taxi, Fox Street All Starsand many more.

Rooster MUSIC

Upcoming Shows

Because you need your music fix.

The Flaming Lips w/ Primus

Flux Pavilion w/ Doctor P

Ellie Goulding w/ Bag Raiders

Date: August 3 Find it: Red Rocks

Date: August 6 Find it: The Fillmore

Date: August 8 Find it: The Ogden

Whoever thought to combine these two freaks on one stage is a genius. We don’t know how well the Lips’ feel-good nostalgia will fare when Les Claypool gets his weird on with everyone, but Wayne Coyne has him beat in the goofy prop department. Either way, they are individually worth the ticket price, and watching them battle it out will create one of the strangest Red Rocks experiences this summer.

This dubstep show will be dirtier than Megatron banging our spam filter. This show will be dirtier than farting on a cold window and licking the condensation. This show will be more disgusting than licking burnt hairs off of Chewbacca’s a-hole. (Insert more typical dubstep jokes here).

Ogden on the 8th is where it will be this month. Most people only know Ellie Goulding through Bassnectar’s “Lights” remix and as the unofficial voice of dubstep, but she’s a huge star in her own right and has one of the breakout pop voices of the year. Bag Raiders are all about the upbeat electro but can smash the dance floor as well, so it’s gonna be hard to leave this show without feeling a little lighter.

Tower of Power w/ Supercollider

Fitz & the Tantrums

Reggie Watts

Date: August 12 Find it: Fox Theater

Date: August 14 Find it: Fox Theater

This no doubt will be one of those shows in which those who go will say, “I was there when…” Fitz and the Tantrums sold out their last show in Denver and will have no problem packing the Fox, stomping it down with a 60’s power soul mentality in some slick matching suits.

It’s easy to compare the extreme fro-and-beard combo on the larger-than-life Reggie Watts to Bob Ross, but the metaphor makes more sense because he makes his art look way too damn easy. Mixing comedy into rap, deep soul vocals and looped beatboxing, the thing that shines through is that this guy is scarily talented and would be a nasty MC even without his great sense of humor. Or the complete disregard for taking himself seriously. Or the old man sweaters.

Date: August 9 Find it: Boulder Theater This ten-piece power funk and jazz outfit has been keeping the groove alive for more than 40 years with a notoriously powerful horn section. Old-school grooves do good things for the soul, and these guys have kept their brand of power funk going strong. There’s a chance someone you know was conceived as a direct result of their music. If you even remotely like the music of James Brown and Sly and the Family Stone, you will want to be there. 12

Rooster MUSIC

Big Freedia

Papadosio

Date: August 24 Find it: Larimer Lounge

Date: August 25 Find it: Fox Theater

The undisputed queen diva of bounce music, Big Freedia creates a derivative of the New Orleans’ urban style and blew up in the local “Sissy” scene with singles such as “Gin in My System” and “Azz Everywhere!” Sharing the stage alongside Major Lazer, Spank Rock and Ninjasonik, and performing at SXSW and Fun Fun Fun Fest with her dancers and DJ in tow, it doesn’t matter if you’re an L, a G, a B, a T or none of the above—it’s going to get rowdy in there.

Papadosio slayed it at the Fox over the summer and we can’t wait for them to come back. They’re headlining three nights at the Rootwire Festival in Ohio at the beginning of the month and are touring with a new album. A great intersection of the jam scene with funk, jazz and reggae intersections, they will definitely continue to rise in the next few years and recruit many in the jamtronica scene to give analog their full trust again.

M O N D AY

9.8 Jean Grae 9.17 Hanson 9.20 Chadwick Stokes (Dispatch / State Radio) 9.27 The Dodos 9.30 Bonobo (DJ Set) 10.11 Badfish - Sublime Tribute 10.14 Yellowcard 10.22 Mac Miller 10.28 Cold War Kids 10.29 Cold War Kids

ALL AGES

Date: August 26 Find it: Larimer Lounge The Whomp Truck throws some of the best underground electronic flash-mob parties around, and they’re taking the party on wheels to the Larimer Lounge to get their witch house on, block party style. A night of heavy-hitting DIY’ers that will include Force Publique and Rhinoceropolis curator Pictureplane.

AUGUST

T U E S D AY

w/ Whomp Truck, Picture Plane, and Force Publique

W E D N E S D AY

Colorado Daily & Radio 1190’s Basementalism Present

T H U R S D AY

F R I D AY

The Fox Theatre, FMQB and 97.3 KBCO Present

21+

ALL AGES

The Fox Theatre, FMQB and 97.3 KBCO Present

21+

WITH TED WENDLER (MANSIONS ON THE MOON) & MORTIMER The Fox Theatre, FMQB and 97.3 KBCO Present

Westword & Radio 1190’s Basementalism & Best Medicine Present

21+

Colorado Daily Presents

Boulder Weekly & Grateful Web Present ALL AGES

UPCOMING - BOULDER THEATER Movie: Magic Trip Paper Bird w/ Dovekins Chromeo St. Vincent Mason Jennings DeVotchKa They Might Be Giants

Colorado Daily & Radio 1190’s Local Shakedown Present

ALL AGES

8.30 9.08 10.06 10.08 10.27 10.29 11.03

S AT U R D AY

KGNU & Boulder Weekly Present

THE

S U N D AY

Denver After-Dark Festival

ALL AGES

Boulder Weekly Presents

with

DAMN RIGHT

ALL AGES

TICKETS AVAILABLE AT BOULDER THEATER BOX OFFICE ALBUMS ON THE HILL + TWIST & SHOUT

Rooster MUSIC

THE CONGRESS

Finally. A congress that gets something done. Although newly-formed, Denver locals The Congress have been delivering a style of rock n’ roll that resonates with the soul. Hailing from Richmond, Va., the quartet seamlessly blends southern R&B with improvised guitar riffs, thoughtful lyrics and beautiful, harmonious vocals. Comprised of Jonathan Meadows, Scott Lane, Todd Herrington and Mark Levy, The Congress is an on-the-rise band truly worthy of praise. With 2010 marking their first year of touring, 2011 has

seen the band grow to play festivals such as Wakarusa and High Sierra. “Festival season is awesome because it’s warm and you can go outside and music outside is cosmic and special. But there’s something to be said for touring, getting into a groove, playing small, grimy venues and getting the sweat and the balls out every night,” says Meadows. “It’s give and take. It’s amazing to play in front of people you wouldn’t normally play in front of, but there’s something to be said for

TECHNICOLOR TONE FACTORY Boulder’s secret treasure

A little-known up-and-comer, Technicolor Tone Factory has blown up at small local spots like K’s China and is winning a growing family of fans. Many of the members started out in the jamtronica group, Sonic Geometry, and now the sextet is establishing itself with a solid take on jam that is both relaxing and intricate. With a pair of drummers and guitarists, they collectively have the talent to make waves in Boulder, and it won’t be long before you see them on the Fox marquee. For now, they are an unknown treasure hopping around the bar scene and quickly making a name for themselves with smooth instrumentals and a collective mindset for groove. 14

playing for 50 people there to see you,” he added. The lucky ones who have seen The Congress live would agree that they’re more than competent in their musical ability, and their foundation in rock n’ roll allows them to be emotive, robust, energetic, low-key and anything in between. In turn, The Congress has a sound that’s both unique and admired by a wide cross section of people. As Meadows explains, “We’re succeeding in ‘polluting ears,’ as we like to call it. We’re lucky in the fact

that in the small amount of touring we’ve done, there are places we’re able to go back and see an increase of people every time. We’re getting to ears, but not enough.” The band’s self-titled EP has been well-received, but the band shows no signs of slowing down. “We played two sets at High Sierra on Sunday, and while we were there playing we were thinking about what still needs to be done and how we can get back here again. You have all these goals, and little by little you achieve them, but there’s always more to do and you can’t stop and appreciate what’s going on,” says Meadows. Guitarist Scott Lane adds: “We’re working on writing a new album. We’ve written maybe an album and a half of material. Our EP is a little slower, a little more songbased, and our new album and the material we’re writing is more rock-oriented. We’re probably going to play a lot more, and try to emulate some of the stuff we do live on the record.” We can’t wait. Listen to their self-titled EP at www.thecongressmusic. com, and be sure to catch The Congress at the St. Julien for a free show on August 5. —Dina Hood

OMEGA

Denver dubstep gets sophisticated Omega is made up of Denver-based producer Chris Cox, who has not-so-quietly made a name for his skills in affiliation with the bubbling Denver electronic scene. With darkly psychedelic grime, futuristic funk and a long line of killer remixes (we still love his take on The Beatles’ “Come Together”), there’s no doubt he’s among those in Colorado pushing electronic music to more sophisticated heights—he’ll be playing this month across the U.S. alongside other local steppers such as Minnesota, Freddy Todd and Stylust Beats, and is a favorite among local electronic collectives.

Rooster MUSIC

10 rapid-fire questions 1. Best show ever played? Zoe: Bonnaroo 2011 Tommy: Denver Fillmore opening up for Glitch Mob

2. Favorite venue? Zoe/David: Music Box (Los Angeles) Tommy: Fillmore (San Francisco) 3. Worst venue? Samana Lounge (Vail, Colo.)

4. Favorite song to play? Zoe: Sky Talk David: Spiderbite Tommy: Cats Skill 5. Other hobbies? Zoe: Creating costumes and stuffed animals David: Painting Tommy: iPhoning and photography

BEATS ANTIQUE

Vibrating mom’s bodies everywhere. Consistently creative David Satori, Tommy Cappel and Zoe Jakes know how to make a unique music experience. Their sound is worldly, electro-acoustic, roots-based and mysterious. A typical show incorporates lots of belly dancing and awe-inspiring costumes seemingly designed for the music. Formed in San Francisco’s underground performance scene, Beats Antique interject a multicultural array of music into their sound, creating something unique while maintaining a sense of familiarity. Rooster caught up with the trio to learn a little more about what goes into making their incredible live performance.

as the songs are being created. Then as I am seeing the movement, I am sensing what the costumes feel like, then that translates to how it appears visually.

Rooster: How did you progress from being friends to making music together?

Do you guys usually have the same dancers?

TC: Zoe and I used to be in two bands together, Extraction March and Yard Dogs Road Show. After doing that for a while, she got an opportunity to do a record of tribal dance music and this is what came from it. We’ve all been friends for many years so it’s been natural. I love the aesthetics of your attire on stage. Do you guys design your own costumes?

ZJ: The core is the three of us. In terms of Beats Antique as a visual, it was just me. Once we got to the point where we could afford more dancers, I started to bring them in. I really want the same four girls. That’s when I feel like the most beautiful stuff happens, when a team continually works together.

ZJ: Yes! I guess I’m the creative director in terms of costumes and dance for our shows. This is the first time I have been in charge of the performance aspects of a show. The last two [costumes] have almost felt like giving birth. How do dance and costumes affect your sound? ZJ: As these guys come up with musical ideas, I immediately start to see movement

TC: We will start out a song as a sketch and as David and I are creating it, Zoe is coming up with ideas that sort of dictate the arrangement of the song. We start hearing what she is saying and then when she starts putting in choreography to it and start practicing, we change what we are doing. So it all comes together pretty organically at the end of the day.

6. First time you felt like a band? Beats Antique: At Lightning in a Bottle in 2008

7. Favorite musicians/bands? Zoe: Bjork, Fever Ray and White Stripes David: Ghostland Observatory, Primus and Ratatat

Tommy: Sharon Jones and Paul Simon 8. Favorite era in time? Zoe: The first two years I was in this extraction

marching band. That was the most fun two years of my life. Performance art was exploding in the Bay Area. There was some of the weirdest shit you have ever seen. People living in ways you couldn’t even imagine. David: I would say 1969 to 1970. Tommy: The years from 1996 to 2006.

9. Favorite person to play with?

What do your parents think about your music career?

Beats Antique: Lynx is our favorite artist to play with, for sure. When she came on tour with us last summer, she was so involved. She would put on a wrestling costume and get down with our bus driver and get thrown around or punched in the face—then she would kick ass on stage.

DS: Mine like it, I get to see my family more because we are traveling to the east coast a whole lot more.

10. Favorite drink? Zoe: Gin with a little bit of St. Germain

ZJ: The cool thing too is being able to have parents come out to these shows and see their children succeeding. TC: My mom is stoked. She came to our Washington, D.C. show and was like, “The bass really vibrates my body.”

[elderflower liquor], cucumber juice and some fizzy water David: Car bomb Tommy: Ginger ale with bitters and lime, because I don’t drink

Rooster MUSIC

MUSIC NEWS

All the news that’s fit to print Lil’ Wayne drops first new mixtape since leaving jail It’s definitely not on the level of “No Ceilings,” but “Sorry 4 the Wait” benefited from good timing and more of what we expect from Weezy. Somehow, Lil B became one of the mixtape’s only two collaborators. We are constantly baffled at the horrendous accident that is Lil B.

What will The Flaming Lips make you eat next? The band declared that in lieu of a traditionally released album in 2011, they would explore new distribution methods. Their first idea: to bury a flash drive in the middle of a gummi skull. Now, they are experimenting with a bubblegum fetus.

Adele breaks digital download record Only a week after Eminem’s “Recovery” broke one million downloads, the British songstress one-upped Slim and became the biggest selling digital set in U.S. history. The album, “21,” also holds the 2011 record for physical copies sold as well.

Spotify opens up for business in the U.S. The acclaimed music subscription service that was limited to Europe has reached American shores. The premium subscription is significantly cheaper than in Europe and fans and musicians alike are singing its praises. But it can’t be cheaper than free!

MUSIC CHARTS Hype Machine

Most Blogged Artists

August 2011

Billboard Hot 200

1. M83

1. Blake Shelton

2. Girls St. Vincent

2. Incubus

3. Amy Winehouse

3. Adele

4. Dum Dum Girls

4. Chris Young

5. Kanye West

5. Beyonce

6. Jay-Z

6. Colbie Caillat

7. Washed Out

7. Jason Aldean

8. Metronomy

8. Theory of a Deaman

9. Chrome Sparks

9. Sublime w/ Rome

10. Gross Magic

10. Selena Gomez

Source: www.hypem.com

“Red River Blue”

“If Not Now, When?” “21”

“Neon” “4”

“All Of You”

“My Kinda Party” “The Truth Is...” “Yours Truly”

“When The Sun Goes Down” Source: www.billboard.com

SAVOY

Glowfest by Program Council April 22, 2011 Balch Field House Photo by: Cinesthetics 19

CLASSMATE Bree Colavin What's your guilty-pleasure song? BBMak, “Back Here”

What's the craziest thing someone’s done to get you to go on a date? One guy told me he was a Persian prince.

What's your biggest turn-on? A guy who's sincere and funny.

What's your biggest turn-off? When a guy acts clingy.

What's the best way for a guy to get your attention? Be a good conversationalist.

Where can someone find you on a Friday night? Anywhere between The Hill and Pearl St.

What's your life motto? You win some, you lose some. What's the best concert you’ve ever seen? Backstreet Boys!

What was the craziest night of your life? My prom in 2008.

Fight or flight? Depends… but usually fight! What's the most impressive meal you can cook? Grilled cheese and a can of tomato soup.

If you could see anyone in concert, dead or alive, who would it be? Led Zepplin. Should 4-20 be moved? Yes! It’s right in the middle of midterms.

Single-girl behavior: what do you do when no one’s looking? I roll around with my dog.

What's your special talent? I can do a back flip.

Favorite part about Boulder? Everything!

What pisses you off about Boulder? The two-hour parking spots.

What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Shop for art and toys, vacation, save and donate.

What's your favorite CU tradition? Ralphie!

What's your favorite weekend getaway? Vail. Better not interrupt you when… I’m sleeping. If you could live anywhere in the world… It'd be Del Mar, California. 20

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Rooster DEAR IBBY

DEAR IBBY

Back by popular demand, the Ibbster is laying down the law on sex toys, unwanted boners, office romances and playing “just the tip.” Dear Ibby, I am often afraid to wear gym shorts due to the unwanted occurrence of carvibration boners, have-to-pee boners, postnap morning wood, along with the myriad of other types of boners that guys get without any control or actual arousal. Should I wear a tight jock strap, or just pre-plan the boner tuck right off the bat? Some of these situations can be very embarrassing, especially in the gym when I’m just running on the treadmill and get some friction in the shorts.

Dear Ibby, I don’t want to lose my virginity. However, I am a horny little girl. This has nothing to do with fear of God, I’m just not ready. I was wondering your thoughts on “just the tip”? If only a bit of the “D” is inside, it doesn’t really count, right? Wow, okay. You’re ready to put like 30% of a “D” inside your vagina, but you’re not ready for the other 70%? Well, I’d say go 50-50 and stop immediately once the ratio is off. But seriously, I think playing “just the tip” might be great for you—most nerve endings in the vagina are located on the outer third area and labia, so who knows, you could really satisfy yourself with that. As for that counting as losing your virginity, that’s totally up to you. A lot of girls lose their virginity with dudes that suck, or the experience was horrible, and they simply say, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t count.” So what if it really happened? She said it didn’t count, damn it. Physiologically, you are technically no longer your dad’s virgin angel when your hymen is broken (hymen = some flap of skin in your pussy). But virginity is more psychological. It’s about innocence and naivety and the feeling of having this “gift” that you bestow upon some man or woman when you feel like it. So I say, get boning and if you want it to count, then count it, but if you don’t, then hey, as far as I’m concerned, you’re a virgin. It’s really none of my business. We’ve been talking about your vagina for too long now.

Sometimes I feel like penises are super weird and I don’t know how men deal with them, because they’re like this long fleshy tube thing and where does it go and what’s it doing now and why is it erect or why is it not erect, etc. I’m actually insulted that you’re asking me what to do with your penis, as if you’re insinuating I have experience with these things and I would know the correct answer. But, I checked with my pal, the Internet, and it told me that you should wear one or more of the following to keep your dick tucked neatly away: briefs, a jock strap and tape. Wait, tape? Yeah, tape that thing to your thigh where it belongs. Dear Ibby, One of my co-workers is smoking hot. I don’t know how to approach the situation and I’m worried that if I try and make a move, he’ll tell my boss and I’ll get in trouble. What’s your advice on trying to spark an office fling? Excellent question. Workplace romances are so hot because of all the sexual tension, but extremely difficult to navigate. I would definitely go for it. What else are you going to do with that tension—jack off? Psh. The secret is to be casual and professional at the office. Don’t act like nothing’s up and you’re not interested, but don’t make any moves either. However, treat him differently than you do your other co-workers. Smile more, laugh more, have more cleavage when he’s around. Make eye contact with him, things like that. Then, get your co-worker drunk. In a casual setting of course, outside of the office. Look smoking hot during this outing, obviously. Now at this point, you kind of have to go for it and get your point across, otherwise you shaved your pussy for nothing. Say something like, “I had the best sex dream about you,” or “I’ve always wanted to kiss

you, just to see what it’s like.” Hopefully this will end in sex or bondage or whatever. And if he tells your boss, who cares? What you do outside the office is your own business, unless your office has some zero-sex rule. As long as your office romance isn’t causing you to blow it and suck at your job, then you’re good. And why does your boss care so much about your sex life anyway? Pervert. Dear Ibby, What are your thoughts on bedroom toys? Have you ever used any and would you suggest any special products? I think it would liven things up between me and my girl. Hold on dude, this is not an interview with me about my personal sex life. Just kidding! It is. I think toys are cool, some girls like them more than I do, but anything that “livens things up” as you say, is pretty awesome. Your girlfriend will probably be hyped that you want to incorporate these things into your sexy time. One thing I would not recommend is that “His n’ Hers” (Trojan) lube. That sucks. It has the consistency of molasses and tastes like jet fuel and bonds to your genitals for days and days until it mercifully loses its peculiar adhesive quality and flakes off. But I’ve heard some really good things about a particular type of vibrator dildo called a “rabbit.” Some have swirling bits and a clitoral stimulator in addition to a cock-like part that vibrates. Other toys that are awesome are handcuffs. Most girls love to handcuff or be handcuffed. The whole erotic aspect of control and vulnerability can definitely add some depth to your sex life. Blindfolds are great, too. There are other fun things too like candy underwear, which I believe is made of fruit leather or fruit rollups or something, which you can play with or eat if you’re hungry. Some guys are really intimidated by these things, because it makes them feel like their penis is small or they’re retarded, but girls really like it when a guy is secure enough with himself and his small penis to bring those things into the bedroom. It shows you want to please her. There are also things for guys too, like pocket pussies which will be perfect when you freak your girlfriend out by buying her a giant dildo.

To ask Ibby a question, email Ibby at RoosterMagazine@gmail.com. 23

Rooster restaurants Vitals Hours

Breakfast and lunch: seven days a week, 9 a.m. – 3 p.m. Dinner: Tuesday – Saturday, 5 – 11 p.m.

Happy hour (including tapas) All night Tuesday; Wednesday – Saturday, 5 - 6:30 p.m. and 10 -11 p.m.

Location

1235 Pennsylvania Ave # A

Phone

303-993-8131

RESTAURANT REVIEW: Cafe Aion Good food, good time, bad service. Among the Hill’s smorgasbord of standard college-town fare—sandwich and sub spots, pizza joints and greasy spoons—there sits upon the corner of Pennsylvania and Broadway one of the few more refined fork-and-knife eateries: Cafe Aion. Cafe Aion appears more like a quaint bookstore than a cafe (its sign sports “used books” under its name, giving homage to the bookstore that used to occupy the space) and churns out quality, distinctive Spanish, Mediterranean and Moroccan-inspired dishes and tapas. Take the time to unwind outside beneath the canary yellow umbrellas for breakfast or lunch, or step in for an intimately lit evening meal on the polished wooden tables enclosed by modest brick walls. If you’re passing by between 5 and 6:30 p.m. after class or work and in need of a cocktail, you’d be just in time to sit at the bar at the top of the stairs during happy hour for the intriguing Jalapeno Margarita or the Aion Sangria, their take on

the classic drink. Aion’s drink list is extensive and diverse, one of the more noteworthy features of the cafe. There is a sense that everyone who goes to Aion seems to really want to like it, but then gets a big “F you” by either the service or the price. The warm decor, enticing menu and likable staff create an attraction to the café, but the experience itself is like showing up to a pretty girl’s house with flowers in your hand and having the door smashed in your face. We state this from our own encounter with Miss Aion, who decidedly denied our affections. We sat inside the cozy upstairs for an afternoon lunch around 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. We were one table of two other occupied tables, a lone waitress working all three. She was amiable and obliging as she described the menu to us before leaving to get our iced tea and the ginger limeade that we were keen to try. After a few minutes we attempted to put

in our orders for tapas, but the waitress had evidently gone to harvest some ginger in the fields and cut fresh limes from the vine for my limeade, or at least that’s what we suspected since she was gone for at least a fortnight. She returned with an apology and we requested the house-marinated olives along with sweet potato fries and the famed fried cauliflower with yogurt for starters. Fearing this might be our last chance to see her before we grew old and died, we also ordered our entrees of spaghetti with English peas, bacon, mint and parmesan and the tagine with fennel, saffron, chickpeas and apricots. In an unforeseen turn of events, our tapas arrived within five minutes. The olives were wonderful, briny and slightly tart, and the generous plate of sweet potato fries was warm and paired deliciously with their house-made ketchup. But we’re not here to talk about a couple of olives and a plate of fries. We’d like to take you on the path toward enlightenment with the taste of hot, oven-roasted, crackling cauliflower seasoned to perfection. Delectable by itself, but dip a piece into the saffron-andcumin spiced yogurt sauce and you’re done for. You are filled with the sense that despite the service, others’ thoughts on the place (see customer reviews below), and the fact that you’re eating a $9 dollar plate of greens… you’d come back just for that damn cauliflower. A few years later, our inviting, steaming-hot entrees emerged from the kitchen and were placed before us. The tagine was delicately flavored with sweet fennel over hearty stewed chickpeas that melted in your mouth with the warm taste of savory saffron. We never did find the apricots promised to accompany the dish, but we didn’t really care since that tagine was the most flavorful meal we’ve had anywhere on the Hill. The bites we had of our friend’s spaghetti proved to be equally as succulent as our own, the peas a bright taste balancing the heaviness of the bacon and parmesan, but the addition of the crushed, fragrant mint herb distinguished it from the standard pasta dish. As for our final verdict on the place? If you want some quality, organic ingredients in your meal, have a few extra dollars in your wallet and some serious time to kill, you should try Cafe Aion. —Cree Cornejo

What others are saying... The time I went there, my Bloody Mary was watery and tasted like meat. The service was really slow. I ordered the eggs benedict and they were all right, but not worth the wait. —Kerilynn Egan 24

The scrambled eggs with chard are pretty good. The ingredients are good and organic, but Aion is overpriced for the Hill. —Andriana Rogers

It’s the only thing close to fine dining on the Hill. It’s great for tapas to impress your date before a show at the Fox, and during brunch it’s not annoyingly crowded, so you can get in with hardly any wait.

The one time I went there, the flavor [of the grassfed beef burger with brie] was there, but the burger was way overcooked. Their organic Coke was good, though.

—Amy Segreti

—Parsia Rezai

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broth after the butter/flour starts to bubble. Boil for 1 minute. Season with the spice mix listed above. Once the mix thickens again, add the chicken and vegetables and set aside. For the crust: Mix 2 cups of flour with 2/3 cup of but-

College Chef: Chicken Pot Pie Shivani she stole her friend’s secret family recipe for chicken pot pie and added her own spicy Cajun kick. Ingredients •Pie pan (about 9 in.) •1.5 pounds (1 package) of chicken breast •2 carrots •2 potatoes •1/2 yellow onion, chopped •4 cloves of garlic, chopped

How It’s Made

•1 head of broccoli •1/3 cup of flour •1/2 cup of butter •1 and 3/4 cups chicken broth •2/3 cup of milk •salt, pepper, paprika, red pepper flakes, Cajun seasoning

ter. The butter should be cut into slices and a little soft, not straight out of the refrigerator. Work the butter into the flour with a fork and add a little bit of water when it gets too hard to work with. Repeat until dough is moist and firm. The most important thing is the butter-to-flour ratio. Sprinkle a little flour on your countertop and roll half of the dough flat. If you don’t have a rolling pin, a bottle of wine works well as long as it’s smooth. When it’s 1/4” thick, pick it up gently (if it tears anywhere, roll it again) and drape over a greased pie pan. About 1 and 1/4” should hang over the edge. Fill the pan with the chicken and vegetable mix, then do the same with the other half and drape it over the top of the pie.

should be soft enough to stab with a fork. For the gravy: Melt butter in a sauce

To prepare pie filling: Cut chicken into bite-sized pieces and cook with 2 tbsps. of olive oil, salt, pepper, paprika and red pepper flakes. Chop and boil the potatoes in water for 15 minutes, then chop and boil the carrots and broccoli in water for 5 minutes. Each

pan, then add the onions and garlic. Cook for 3 min. on low heat. When the onions start to sizzle, add flour and mix well. Stir in 2/3 cup of milk and chicken

Cook It: Seal it by rolling the bottom over the top a little bit at a time. You can make a nice braided look by folding at a slight angle. Cut 3 small slits into the top so the steam can escape. Pop it in your pre-heated oven and bake for 30 minutes or until golden. —PJ Nutting 27

Rooster SPORTS

CAMPUS GOLF

Tiger Woods would give up five of his girlfriends just to play on this course. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the campus golf championship. Developed for those with the toughest mental stamina, the greatest physical build and the drinking tolerance of a depressed Scotsman, our course will have you sweating like Casey Anthony while closing her trunk (too soon?).

Now that you’re aware of the course and the rules—have at it. Hopefully we’ll see you out there. And sorry, grounds keepers, for this article—but someone had to write it.

Ma ve Dri

asa Ple

8 3

As you tour the campus showcasing your unparalleled athletic talent, you will observe a multitude of different landscapes and CU icons. Statues that were erected to celebrate iconic figures like Robert Frost are now deemed hole 9. And the lovely fountain outside of Seoul is transformed into hole 5. Sure, there are freshmen trying to become oriented with their newfound freedom, but that doesn’t mean a couple of tennis-ball welts will derail them. Just tell them what our parents told us—stop crying, you’re 18 years old.

As you tee up each hole, campus tours will stop and watch your amazing back swing as you drive the tennis ball across the quad and towards another great birdied hole. Sure, they watch with unbridled pleasure, wondering who this great golfer is, but you don’t have time for autographs; after all, you are playing for $5 a hole.

Before you embark on Boulder’s quasiPebble Beach course, we must advise you on the rules set forth by the PCGA (professional campus golf association) and the grounds crew of CU: fill in the divots after all shots. Blatant drinking on the course will result in trouble. Big trouble. If the tennis ball lands on pavement, the ball must be dropped in the nearest grassy area. If the ball goes into a water hazard, lose one stroke. If your ball hits an unsuspecting hippie walking a rope tied between two trees, rejoice and gain one stroke. Finally, if a spectator picks up a ball and throws it, you must play the ball where it lies, whether it’s a positive or negative toss. For questions regarding where the holes begin and end, our helpful picture guide in the right corner should

cky

Through repetitive rounds of golf, we compiled our ideal list of a nine-hole journey around CU’s magnificent campus, complete with beautiful scenery, lush fairways and plenty of studying students to make for great hazards. The occasional passed-out bum is always entertaining as you try to chip over the vodka-breath sleeper and his beloved tall-boy can.

eliminate any confusion. Besides a couple of exceptions, most holes begin within a few feet of where the last hole ended.

2 9

Br oa

dw ay

6 7

ree t St

Front 9

Go on with your bad self.

9 29

Rooster Blind date

Meet the Daters

Blind Date Kelly

Kelly is an energetic sorority girl from Manhattan Beach, California looking to have a good time. She enjoys sitting on the couch, hiking and drinking. Other hobbies of hers include scrap booking which she says she loves to do in addition to driving. It doesn’t matter where she’s going, she just loves to drive. Her ideal man should have a

Khafre

This East Coast boy from Philly is as laid-back as they come. When he’s not slinging coffee at downtown coffee shop Ozo, Khafre is out enjoying Boulder. Some of his interests include hiking, biking and pretty much participating in whatever Boulder has to offer. Going on the blind date for him is an experience that he

Round 1

Both daters called Rooster all day to see who they’d be dating. Now it’s time to see if the sparks fly. Were you nervous at all? KL: Yes, I was. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect. What was your first impression? KL: He was really cute. Kind of quiet at first. What are three words you would use to describe your date upon first glance? KL: Laid-back, cool, mellow. What was the first thing you noticed about your date? KL: His smile. Is he the type of guy you typically go for? KL: Not necessarily, but I don’t have a specific type. What do you look for in a guy? KL: He has to make me laugh. He has to be nice. At home with himself. Not too uptight. Friendly and outgoing.

What was your first impression? K: Cali girl. Looks like she’s from Cali. Is that a good thing or bad thing? A good thing. What are three words you would use to describe your date upon first glance? K: Delicious. What was the first thing you noticed about your date? K: Eyes. Blue eyes. You’ve got to love the blue eyes and blonde hair. Is she the type of girl you typically go for? K: I’d say no. What do you look for in a girl? K: I haven’t explored a lot of CU girls and she lives in a sorority. How’s the conversation? K: It’s going well. No awkwardness. I try to stay drama-free. Drama-free since ’93.

SALT the Bistro 1047 Pearl Street Boulder, CO 80302

good sense of humor above all else. While she doesn’t have a specific type of guy, adventurous and outgoing are among her top qualities. Sure, she likes sitting on the couch, but that doesn’t mean her guy should like it, too. Well, Kelly, we’ve found a guy who’s tall, handsome and seems to be adventurous—but we aren’t sure how much he drives.

hopes will end well and be a great night. Khafre is pumped. His ideal girl has a good sense of humor, intelligence and the ultimate combo of eyes and hair. We aren’t sure if Kelly has the right combo, but we can tell you one thing—she’s quite the looker.

Rooster Blind date

How’s the conversation? KL: It’s good. A couple walls just because it gets awkward. Did you bring a condom? KL: No. What’s going through your head while he is talking? KL: Don’t spill my drink, don’t look stupid.

Did you bring a condom? K: Yes. What’s going through your head while she is talking? K: Depends on what she’s talking about. If it’s not interesting, then I’m staring at her.

Server Opinion

“It seems to be going pretty well. In this business, you see a lot of dates, and for a blind date, they have a lot to talk about. And it’s going both ways. No one is talking the whole time. They are both really open to it.”

—Joey Burton

Round 2

The physical attraction is there. The food is served, and we let them enjoy the company even more... Is the date meeting your expectations so far? KL: Yeah, because I didn’t really have any. I was more terrified about doing something stupid. What did you order and how’s the food? KL: The half-chicken; it was really good. It’s a lot of food. What are your thoughts on Salt? KL: I like it a lot. Our waiter was nice and friendly. Do you feel there is a connection? KL: I wouldn’t say yes and I wouldn’t say no. Is he hook up or relationship material? KL: I can’t really get a read on him. Where do you see the date going from here? KL: I feel like if he was of age we could go get a drink. But because he’s not Ican’t invite him to go for an after drink. Has he been a gentleman? KL: Yes, he has. And very kind. He finally opened up and he’s funny. Would your best friends consider her/him a good match? KL: They’d say he was really good looking. They would think he’s good for me. 32

Is the date meeting your expectations so far? K: It’s going well. It’s meeting my expectations. I didn’t expect to have such a good conversation. What did you order and how’s the food? K: The NY Strip. It was delicious. What are your thoughts on Salt? K: I like it. I like the brick walls and I’m digging the statue mermaid. Do you feel there is a connection? K: It’s too early to say that. There’s attraction. It takes a lot for a connection... Is she hook up or relationship material? K: She’s hookup material. My house is a little dirty though. Where do you see the date going from here? K: We’ll probably walk around. I’m going to bed early, I have to work at 6:15 in the morning. Would your best friends consider her/him a good match? K: They’d say, “why don’t you just hookup with her already?” I have a wide variety of friends so there’d probably be a wide variety of answers.

Rooster Blind date If you knew you never had to see him again tomorrow, what would you do right now? KL: I would hook up with him. What do you have in common? KL: Actually, not a whole lot. He’s from Philly; I’m from Cali. He didn’t go to college; I did. He played basketball; I played soccer.

If you knew you never had to see her again tomorrow, what would you do right now? K: Go all out. Go balls to the wall. What do you have in common? K: We have a good amount in common. We both have parents that smoke weed. We both like to talk. There isn’t an awkward moment.

Round 3

Something tells us they didn’t just go home and go to bed. We call the next day to see how the night ended. So, what happened after Rooster left? KL: We had ice cream, explored and walked back to my house. What was an awkward part of the date? KL: I could not understand how to pronounce his name for the life of me until the end of the date. Oh, and he’s not 21, but drinking by yourself is always fun, too. How would you rate the date on a scale from 1 to 10? KL: 7. Blind dates are always awkward, but he was a great date.

So, what happened after Rooster left? K: We went to Flagstaff and chilled out. What was the best part of the date? K: Hanging out, shooting the shit. How would you rate the date on a scale from 1 to 10? K: I’d give it an 8. Would you go out with her again? K: Yeah.

Would you go out with him again? KL: Yeah, I had a fun time, so why not?

Is Rooster a good matchmaker? K: Yes.

Could you be more than friends? KL: I don’t know... he’d have to take me on another date when Rooster isn’t footing the bill.

Kiss and tell? K: We kissed…

Kiss and tell? KL: We did kiss. But I’m not going to tell.

What are your thoughts on the overall experience? K: Definitely some good old-fashioned fun.

Conclusion It’s not like we want to get a big head, but this is our second successful blind date in a row. Some may call us Cupid, some may call us lucky, but to these daters—we’re heroes. We can’t take all the credit, as Salt provided a great atmosphere for these two to get to know each other. So, thanks to all the cast and crew for their hard work and dedication. Next month, we’ll be going for the coveted three-in-a-row, or as we call it—the turkey.

If you’d like to participate in the Rooster Blind Date, send a photo and description of yourself and the type of person you are looking for to RoosterMagazine@gmail.com. Romance is in the air, people— we can feel it in our bones.

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REASONS WE DISLIKE HIPSTERS Take a shower, hippie.

They never wash their hair

We get it. You woke up this morning and your hair was killer. Why wash, condition or dry your hair when you can add a swab of gel and you have what many would only dream of, a look that screams, “I don’t care. But maybe I do?” While the rest of us consider ourselves to be comband-shampoo competent, you’ve decided to fight the norm with Paul Mitchell’s own homeless look. Somewhere under your Urban Outfitter train conducter hat sits a rat’s nest composed of oil and hair that smells like rolled-cigarette smoke—that is, of course, if you haven’t cut your bangs to resemble a horse’s mane. Luckily, poetry night doesn’t have a hygiene policy.

Rooster HIPSTERS They sport mustaches Mustaches should only be worn on two occasions: Mustache March/May and Cinco de Mayo. Scratch that, mustaches can be worn on one more occasion: Tom Selleck Tribute Day. Attempting to pull off a mustache at any other time besides these three occasions is a disgrace to the male race. Although the mustache detracts from your skinny stature that is further enhanced by tight clothing, we still notice the pubes growing below your nose and above your mouth. The mustache is not going to be resurrected from the 80s, so do us all a favor—shave your nose’s happy trail and return to art class.

They wear garage-sale clothes It started with the beige argyle sweaters. Then it turned into the striped V-necks. Then it morphed into the limited-edition, truckstop T-shirts. And finally it was the tight black, rolled-at-the-bottom blue jeans that made our male parts scream, “Please no!” At first we thought Urban Outfitters was having a sale, but after realizing Urban carried decent clothes, we could only think of one other option: garage sales. Where does someone find cardigans once popular at the Good Day senior citizen home, clothing colored like all the fun was washed out of it and more high school T-shirts than the ”To Catch a Predator” evidence room? We’ll keep this garage-sale revelation our little secret, just as long as you promise to keep an eye out for a keg-o-rator on your next shopping extravaganza.

They are overly staunch anti-conformists You do understand that, sometimes, conforming doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve sold your soul to the Starbucks barista, right? Sure, you play the guitar left-handed even though you are right handed. And sure, you wear glasses although you don’t need them at all. And sometimes, leaving the comfort and familiarity of Whole Foods and Ideal Market for the strange and unknown aisles of Safeway gives you a scary tinkle in your pants. And finally, we understand that the Dushanbe Tea House is totally spiritual and being inside it is as close to a Boulderite’s dream as you can get without owning an art studio downtown. But that doesn’t mean other options deemed “conformist” are bad. Sometimes you just have to conform. Now go buy another Urban Outfitter shirt.

They wear exorbitant accessories Chest tattoos with inspirational quotes, non-prescribed glasses that make you look like you were the only one to keep your Kung Fu Panda 3D glasses, fanny packs that invite a kick in the balls or a muff punch, and the over-zealous shoes—or lack thereof. We keep trying to justify why any individual would subject him/herself to these ridiculous forms of trendiness, but we just can’t wrap our head around it. What’s next, a cane, a wheelchair, a taxidermied animal sewn into your jeans? When your parents said to be yourself, they didn’t mean to actually incorporate all your weird thoughts into your outfit. Then again, it is Boulder.

Rooster university

THE ART OF PARTY CRASHING Where there’s a will, there’s a way. So, you’re not invited. That doesn’t mean you have to stay home supporting Internet and utility companies. Follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to more free booze than Pete Coors’ offspring.

1) Outside socializing is key When you see a promising spot, make sure to learn the specs of the place before charging in. Look for groups of people coming out. Try asking something along the lines of, “Is this [insert name]’s house?” This will typically warrant a correcti response. If not, simply ask whose place it is. It’s always a good idea to carry a potential name to drop… which leads us to our next tip.

2) Scope the hand ink Check to see if there is any ink on those leaving. The most common are blue, red or black stars, Xs or smiley faces. Not a bad idea to carry these colored permanent markers in your pocket in case you need to look official.

3) Watch your timing Depending on how hard the owners’ party, the average time that inebriation occurs is around 10 p.m. Do not show up to a house with sober owners; this will only result in increased attention being paid to you (not what you want) and a lack of willingness to 38

be friendly. If you’re looking to shoot the shit, wait a little bit. 11 p.m. is a guarantee.

4) No lady left behind Innate primate knowledge tells us that the more males there are in an environment, the more competition there is to achieve reproductive success. If you’re rollin’ with a buddy, cool. But once you bring the third dude, you’re out of luck. Females are your ticket into anything and everything. A good rule of thumb is to have one lady for every Y chromosome.

5) Work your swagger Own your strut. Walk in like you just went outside to take a piss and came back in to get your cup. Enough said.

6) The back door is your friend A wise man once said, “The king of rock n’ roll always uses the back door.” If that’s not possible, send in the troops one at a time. Plan on a meet-up spot like, “that window over there.”

7) This is not your time to shine

Divert attention. Stay out of bedrooms, corners and hallways. Switch locations frequently, keep the voice at a decent decibel and don’t go through the fridge.

8) Offer it up You know that feeling when you open a birthday card from your parents and there’s no money in it? Yeah, let’s avoid that. Though you may never be asked for it, you should always have something on hand for the hosts. This can be anything from a beer, a spare cigarette or even a joke. Nobody likes a taker, so be a giver. Make people smile and they’ll be less likely to question your presence.

9) Excuses, excuses There may be times when your legitimacy is questioned, in which case, try one of these: Pretend to be too drunk to understand what they’re saying. Give compliments. You know you like it when people kiss your ass. Say your dad is someone famous. Flip ‘em $5 for booze. Money doesn’t talk; it screams. Ask for your lawyer.

10) Admit defeat If you do get kicked out, there are tons of other shindigs. Don’t fight it; it’s not worth the trouble. Crashing is an adventure in the first place, so if you get kicked out of your first-choice party, keep on trekking. —Myles Wallingford

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Continuously Constant Commenter You know who you are. You spend more time on Facebook than you do sleeping, hoping that someone will appreciate one of your stupid, pointless comments on a status or picture.

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Rooster ass kissing

ASS KISSING 101

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is a little extra. Alert to all incoming freshmen: school at CU is just a tad more difficult than it was at whatever excuse for a high school you hailed from. And when we say just a tad more, we actually mean at least 10 times harder. For all of you hardworking, success-oriented yet dim-witted students who previously had to kiss some serious ass to get their high school diploma, pay close attention because you’re going to have to get your nose even dirtier if you think you’re getting out of here with a bachelor’s degree. Bring an absurd amount of cover-up, because your nose is about to get bizarrely brown.

After-class questions Nothing shows the teacher that you’re super-motivated to learn the class material like the back of your hand than asking multiple questions related to the daily lecture immediately after class. Just make sure you were paying attention the entire 44

time so you don’t sound like an idiot when the teacher tells you that all of your questions were just answered five minutes ago. If you really want to impress the professor, inquire about more advanced topics not included in the class curriculum. For example, if you’re in Principles of Macroeconomics, ask how the

Bring an absurd amount of cover-up, because your nose is about to get bizarrely brown. total domestic product of the U.S. relates to international trade barriers and how different economic policies affect the global market. Your professor will think you share his/her deep passion for the subject matter and may possibly cut you some slack after reading your inanely inadequate essay by thinking that maybe you’re just dyslexic.

Regular office hour attendance Showing up to office hours every week will serve a similar purpose of asking questions after class, but this way, you don’t have to be witty and come up with your own questions immediately. Show up with a comprehensive list of everything you need re-explained to acquire a basic working knowledge of just what the hell is going on around you every day in lecture. While professors may get frustrated having to clarify the same simple concepts seven times to you, they at least know you’re trying; and when the semester ends with you failing the final, they’ll pass you so they don’t risk having you around next semester making their job miserable.

Excessive in-class participation Some teachers like to ask questions and encourage debate between students as an

Rooster ass kissing alternative method of education. Rooster writers, wise as we are, refuse to answer any question that isn’t rhetorical, simply because we could not care less about impressing the teacher and consider humor to be the best way into your teacher’s good graces. Surprisingly, not all professors appreciate our wise cracks, so if you find yourself stuck with a solemn professor who probes you for class participation, raise your hand often and eagerly. If you’re more worried about your grade than how stupid the other students think you are, chime in constantly. The professor will be pleased with your input, despite how daft it may be. You never know when you’re going to need preferential treatment to pass.

Turning in assignments weeks before deadline Staying ahead of the syllabus and submitting class projects, homework or essays weeks before their deadlines will do wonders for your GPA, provided that your professors accept early work. This accomplishes a

brown nose in three ways: first, it shows that you’re serious about your studies and will do whatever it takes to succeed. Teachers like that. Second, it informs them that you don’t have a social life and will never beseech them to accept late work that the majority of party-prioritizing, procrastinationstricken students persistently supplicate. They like that, too. Lastly, it may be the first assignment they grade so even if it’s a piece of incomprehensible shit compared to your classmates’ work, they won’t know. By the time the rest are graded, you will have received a higher grade than the quality of your work deserves and will have ample time to scrutinize your study guides before tests.

Sitting up front Statistics show that students who sit in the front of classrooms receive higher marks throughout their college tenure. We’re sorry to disappoint you, but there isn’t any mysterious secret that’ll help dim students magically turn into geniuses simply by sitting in a different location. The reason

for this correlation is that front-row students generally care ardently about their studies, coming to class everyday with a single goal in mind and acquiring as much new material that their soberly functioning brains will retain (an amount substantially more than yours, putting you toward the bottom of the class curve). Nevertheless, typically apathetic students fluctuating between flunking and scraping by with a D can find new faith among those in the front row. Sit close to the board and fervently feign pure fascination. You will instantly earn your teacher’s attention and maybe even his sympathy for your struggles. If you do it right with just enough spirit, when your final grade averages to a 59%, there is a decent possibility your professor will take pity on you. Their remembrance of your focused front-row note-taking and solution-seeking style may force their hand into bumping your score up to a 60%. Can you say, “D for diploma”?

—Michael Flora

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Rooster university projects. Some of these rooms are open in order to accommodate student projects and there are very few people around.

Folsom Field Room: The stadium. Best time: During a football game. If sex in quiet, abandoned buildings isn’t really your thing, try banging in plain sight. Here’s the cool part—at CU games, no one really gives what you and what’s-her-name are doing under that blanket. Everyone’s wasted, focused on the game and getting more wasted. If you position yourself right and good, you’re in for a thrill. Plus, pesky security guards can’t see you too well if you’re in a massive crowd.

Ekeley (Chemistry and Biochemistry) Room: The bathroom on the very bottom basement floor, where some help labs are. Best time: Any time except between 11 a.m. – 3 p.m., and definitely not before a chemistry exam. This is when most people have breaks between classes, and they take that time to go to the help labs on that floor. But at other glorious hours of the day, there is almost no one down there. It is a private bathroom, and it’s actually not that gross. This is the perfect location if you want to take your sweet time.

Norlin Library

FIVE OF THE BEST PLACES ON CAMPUS TO HAVE SEX How to become a campus exhibitionist. In a groundbreaking clinical study, Rooster found that at any given time, 86% of people around you are horny. But what happens when you’re out and about on campus and that overpowering urge to procreate strikes far away from the sanctity of your bed? Never fear—Rooster has compiled a trusty map of where to get it on.

Atlas Room: There are two. The first is called an editing bay, and is located on the third floor. The bay is comprised of small, completely private rooms that lock from the outside. But you need to “check one out” from the nice IT man down the hall, and you have to have some legitimate excuse for using it. The second is the unisex bathroom on the 46

first basement level (the 1B floor). Yeah, we know, that’s where people go to poop, but it’s so secluded, and there are rarely people down there to see you coming and going.

Best time: The editing bays are good any time of day, as long as you have access. The bathroom downstairs however, is only safe outside normal class hours. Before 9:30 a.m. or after 4:30 p.m. are perfect, as less students will be milling about.

The Visual Arts Complex Room: Any of the studios, computer labs or theaters. Take your pick! Best time: After dark. The morning is no good, because a lot of art students go into the studios early to finish last-minute

Room: The stacks. Best time: Never! Yeah, the stacks are the most notorious place on campus to have sex, and the Norlin employees have caught on to this once popular trend. It is nearly impossible to get it on there, as Norlin security guards conduct timed patrols of the area. There is also always, and we mean always, some creepy kid sitting amongst one of the rows, studying in solitude. Not to mention the hoards of other couples looking for a place to screw, who are in turn joined by an endless stream of serious students just looking for a book. If you do find a row devoid of people, you have to be so quiet that it takes the fun out of it, so quiet in fact, that sex starts to seem like a robotic chore. Still, it’s a classic, so you might want to give it a try. Go here if you either don’t really want to have sex with the person you’re seeing but want him/her to think you’re adventurous, or if you want to spend three hours almost having sex, then running away in fear of being caught. —Isabelle Kohn

Rooster health

o one wants to come home on Thanksgiving break with a beer gut and a gobble gobble of their own. While Boulder provides countless outdoor workout opportunities, the amount one smokes, drinks and munches pretty much cancels that exercise out. Luckily, Rooster has tallied up 15 ways to avoid the horrifying freshman fifteen. Good luck, baby Buffs.

1. Walking or biking to class are foolproof ways to burn extra calories and spike your metabolism. You can also bike around town to run errands, giving you extra exercise and 48

an opportunity to explore Boulder. The hills and trails in West Boulder’s neighborhoods will force your body to adapt to the altitude.

Bike to class and burn off late-night Cosmo’s. As for getting to class, if you live in William’s Village or College Inn, skip the Buff Bus and take advantage of your location. The 1.5 mile walk/bike to campus could burn off the Cosmo’s slice you munched on late last night.

2. Hike trails further than Chautauqua Park such as South Boulder Peak trail or trails in Rocky Mountain National Park. Plus, you’ll have to be in shape for when dinner dates get old and someone wants to take you to the great outdoors. Everyone in Boulder knows that if someone asks you to go hiking on Saturday, it’s a date. 3. Ski or snowboard on the weekends. Planning a trip to Keystone or Breckenridge not only keeps you active on Saturday and Sunday, but it could prevent you from binge drinking at night. The idea of waking up

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Rooster health at 7 a.m. for a day on the mountain seems daunting and causes most people to hit the sack early to avoid injury and exhaustion.

4. Take advantage of the free week of aerobic classes at the student recreation center (not to mention the sauna, where you can sweat out alcohol and help detoxify your body). The center offers classes such as cycling, yoga, Pilates, martial arts and adult swim. For a low price, students can take classes daily to stay in shape and experience a community atmosphere. The first week of each semester, all classes are free so students can choose which programs to sign up for. 5. Stick to a workout schedule. We all use phones and planners to organize homework assignments and meetings—why not schedule an exercise routine? Whether you schedule a weekly aerobics class or daily jogs, planning a time to exercise consistently (and seeing results from it) will increase your motivation to exercise.

6. Check out the clubs and gyms that offer student pricing and offer you a clean, professional and private environment. One Boulder Fitness, Colorado Athletic Club, Rally Sports and Lifetime Fitness offer student prices for a gym membership. Most fitness clubs allow prospective members free days and a good chance to test out the facility to ensure you (or your parents) get all the bang for your buck. 7. The diving boards at the Rec Center pool are open all week for students to swim and show off their skills to those on the elliptical machines and treadmills. Grab a couple of friends and jump your way into shape by doing tricks off the diving boards and swimming around the dive pool. 8. Take the stairs in all buildings including the 13-story ones in Will Ville. Hiking the stairs in each building gives your body the cardio blast it needs after sitting in class for 50-75 minutes. Although the altitude change may take your breath away your first few weeks in Boulder, your body will acclimate quicker if it is constantly challenged by vigorous activity.

9. Calorie count—even with alcohol. It could prevent you from consuming an extra meal’s worth of calories multiple times a week. Remember that one beer or one shot is equal to around 100 calories. And skip the “ice milk” in the dining halls and limit the number of cookies in Sewell. As soon as you

observe a dining hall employee pour the white creamy liquid into the ice milk machine, you’ll wonder what ingredients are actually entering your body anyway.

10. Drink hot tea or soup before a meal to fill your stomach. Studies show that drinking a large cup of hot liquid before a meal will turn on your brain’s hunger sensor. (Fifty percent of thirst is mistaken for hunger, causing people to consume extra calories to satisfy the wrong desire.) If you consume a hot cup of tea or Miso soup, for example, your stomach will tell you sooner when its full so you won’t overeat and make smarter choices off a menu or in the dining hall lines.

Regularly practice horizontal jogging. 11. Do you get bags of sweets and homemade cookies in the mail? Take advantage of your mom’s care packages by re-gifting the candy to friends for birthday presents or secret Santa gifts. Savor the homemade item, as it is difficult to find a kitchen in the dorms, but rid your room of sweet temptations during midterms and finals.

12. Eat three meals a day, especially breakfast, as it kick starts the metabolism for the rest of the day—and stop eating three hours before bedtime. Utilize the mini fridge provided by the school to keep milk cold and fruit fresh. A bowl of granola, oatmeal or a whole-grain bagel will moderate your digestive system and prevent overeating at lunchtime. And set a bed time three hours

from the last thing you ate. While you sleep, your body turns food into fat and cannot properly utilize any nutrients. Allowing your body to digest before bed will guarantee hunger when you wake up so you can start off the next day with a satisfying breakfast. The dining halls close at 7 p.m. and open at 7 a.m. for a reason.

13. Use your Buff Bucks to buy healthy snacks and juice rather than chips or ice cream, or save money and calories by packing a snack for late-night library sessions. With every meal plan, students receive an allotted amount of money to spend in the dormitory stores for food, medicine and drinks. The Laughing Goat has tea, energy drinks and snacks, but instead of spending $5 every time you go to study, pack an apple or orange from the dining hall. You could fill a plastic bag with granola or a water bottle with milk to nourish yourself throughout an evening of studying and hard work.

14. Practice horizontal jogging. Having sex or making out is a fun way to burn calories with your partner. Volunteer yourself to do most of the work and offer your partner a hump day treat every Wednesday. If you make an effort to horizontal jog often, your partner and your body will thank you. 15. B-double-E-double R-U-N, Beer Run. The moment someone realizes you’re out of beer or alcohol, volunteer to run to Rose Hill Liquor for the next round, but literally run there. Okay, maybe power walk. Either way, you can burn off one beer in the ten minutes it takes you to get to the store and back.

—Hope Nartonis 51

Rooster university

BUNKBED SEX POSITIONS FOR FRESHMEN

Add some spice to your amateur love making.

Horny Pull-ups

Hanging Missionary

The “giver” lays on the bottom bunk with his or her knees as far off of the mattress as is comfortable, and the “reciever” gets on top, using the frame of the top bunk for more leverage and momentum when needed. It’s a nice, simple move that’s still pretty fun.

This one’s self explanatory, and we get that you get it, but in case you don’t know how it’s done, the “giver” (of some form of phallus) on top of the “receiver” attempts to stay as straight on the bed as possible. Since dorm beds seem to be narrow, we really suggest that the bottom let his or her leg dangle off the side of the bed at an angle. It just helps relieve the crowding.

Flattened Cowgirl The booty blessed may not be comfortable

doing this move. Let the “receiver” slide on top of the “giver” and do a little thrusting and moaning of her or his own. This move makes it a little tough to maintain momentum, so it’s pretty much only designed to be a slow, gentle position. Once again, we’re sure you already thought of this one, but we thought we’d throw it in for the sex-shy. 52

Ninja Doggie The “receiver” climbs on the bed just enough to where the “giver” can give the gift of sweet love to his or her partner. A really athletic recipient could possibly endanger the bed by helping out with the thrusting momentum. A less athletic person may just want to hold on for dear life and enjoy the ride from a relatively stationary position instead.

F*ck Spidey

Rooster university Friends are Fourever We’re not suggesting that this is the best way to get to know your new roommate, but if you’re both trying to get laid on the same night, you may just decide to share the room and sexual partners, you freaky bastards. Assume that the green stick figures are you and your roomie. One of you pleasures your roommate’s date orally as your roomie stimulates him/her in other ways, and your date lays on the bottom bunk in order to please you orally. Sure, a couple people are definitely not getting the best deal out of this, but the night is young, and this is going to get so much freakier.

The “giver” or “receiver” could take turns hanging off the side of the bunkbed, although we have a feeling that it takes far more skill to give cunnilingus upside down than it does to perform fellatio on someone from the same position. Whoever feels like hanging upside down climbs just high enough to where their head is in line with his or her partner’s crotch, and makes out Spiderman style with it until they no longer wish to do so. Whoever is left standing on actual ground can either respond in kind, or sit back and enjoy the ride.

Rooster DRUG POLICY

The Global Commission on Drug Policy recently issued a report criticizing America’s efforts in the War on Drugs. Rooster looks into what the report identifies as weaknesses and how other policies around the world compare.

n the last 50 years, we have learned that the backlash from outlawing drugs is at times more harmful to society than the drugs themselves. Legal punishments for drug use and lower-level involvement in drug markets, such as farming and petty sales, have been ineffective in reducing the negative effects of drugs and diminishing supply or consumption. The current legislation of most policymaking bodies around the world has given rise to massive criminal organizations that kill thousands every year and threaten government authority, scare addicts away from seeking medical aid and impede the ability of public health organizations to reduce HIV/AIDS and overdose fatalities. In response to the lack of progressive leadership, a Global Commission on Drug Policy was created consisting of 19 current and former political leaders and United Nations members. The former president of Brazil, Fernando Henrique Cardoso, serves as the chair with former US Secretary of State George P. Shultz as honorary chair. Other members include the former presidents of Columbia and Mexico, César Gaviria and Ernesto Zedillo, respectively, who understand better than anyone the correlation between drug prescription and organized crime; Prime Minister of Greece, George Papandreou;

former State Secretary of the German Federal Ministry of Health, Marion CaspersMerk; former President of Switzerland, Ruth Dreifuss; and former Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve and Economic Recovery Board, Paul Volcker. The Commission released a report in June of this year entitled, “On Drugs.” The report began with a direct and unyielding statement: “The global war on drugs has failed.” It has been 50 years since the United Nations Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs, and 40 years since President Nixon began the war on drugs in the United States. It was generally believed at that time that severe criminal punishments for drug production, distribution and use would result in the continuous deterioration and eventual elimination of drug markets around the world. According to the Commission’s report, “the global scale of illegal drug markets—largely controlled by organized crime—has grown dramatically over this period.” From 1998 to 2008, the U.N.’s estimates of annual drug consumption have increased by 34.5% for opiates, 27% for cocaine and 8.5% for cannabis. Prohibition did not work for alcohol in 1920’s America, and it has not worked for any other drug in the last half century.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy published four principles and 11 recommendations in response to the evergrowing drug problem. Primarily, they encourage politicians and policy makers around the world to base drug policies on “solid empirical and scientific evidence.” Support for drug legalization or reform is often associated with support for drug use, an unfortunate fallacy that scares policymakers away from the subject. Although the original framework of the system and the concept of eradicating drug production may have been reasonable with the limited evidence we had 50 years ago, there is now no excuse for continuing an outdated and flawed system. “Drug policies and strategies at all levels too often continue to be driven by ideological perspectives or political convenience, and pay too little attention to the complexities of the drug market, drug use and drug addiction,” states the report. We must remember that the original intentions of drug policies were to achieve a safer and healthier world. The objective of the 1961 U.N. Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs was to improve the “health and welfare of mankind.” The Global Commission’s report asserts that while the effectiveness of drug policy should be measured in outcomes, such

Rooster DRUG POLICY as less crime, better health and more economic and social development, the current measure of success seems, instead, to be progress: the number of arrests, the amounts of drugs seized and the degree of punishments. Another principle of the Global Commission on Drug Policy is to “treat people dependent on drugs as patients, not criminals.” Some countries have implemented drug policies known as “harm reduction” policies, while others are concerned that such policies would undermine anti-drug messages. Examples of “harm reduction” polices include providing syringe access and medications such as methadone or buprenorphine to heroin addicts. According to the Drug Commission’s report, countries that have consistently provided these health services, such as the United Kingdom, Switzerland, Germany and Australia, have the lowest percentage of HIV carriers among people who inject drugs. Countries that implemented harm-reduction polices in response to rising HIV rates, including the United States, Portugal, Malaysia and France, have effectively reversed the continued spread of HIV among syringe drug users. And countries that have refused to introduce harmreduction strategies, such as Thailand and Russia, have the highest rates of HIV in the world among people who inject drugs.

The Netherlands have had resounding success with harm-reduction policies. They are one of the countries that prescribe methadone, buprenorphine, and even heroin under strict conditions to addicts to help addicts curb their addictions. The medical prescription of heroin and heroin substitutes has effectively reduced crime, weakened the drug market and prevented a new generation of users. The Netherlands estimated number of the heroin addicts in 2001 was between 28,000 and 30,000. By 2008, that number had dropped to 18,000. In addition to a total reduction of drug addicts, the Dutch population of opiate users is aging. The number of new opiate users 15-29 years old has significantly declined. Similar to drug addicts, those involved in lower levels of drug trafficking should not be treated as criminals, but as patients. Many of these people are drug addicts themselves, and tend to be subject to violence and intimidation from higher-ranking members of the drug market. These farmers and petty salespeople rarely have violent criminal histories, unlike those in charge of drug organizations, and tend to be involved in the drug market only to feed their own addiction. It is ineffective to criminally punish these people, as they are easily replaced without any damage done to

the organization as a whole. However, offering harm reduction services to the lower levels of the drug market can provide an alternative means of satisfying their addictions, which would make it difficult for drug organizations to find people to fill these positions, damaging the entire market. Finally, the Global Commission on Drug Policy encourages governments to experiment with different models of legal regulation when it comes to drugs. This would allow countries to learn from the successes and failures of others, and implement their own policies specific to their nations’ needs. Portugal, for example, has seen significant decreases in drug use and crime, while experiencing increases in the number of addicts seeking help at treatment centers after personal possession of drugs was legalized in 2001. It is no longer acceptable for this issue to be ignored by politicians under false pretenses of morality. The report ends with this line: “Getting drug policy right is not a matter for theoretical or intellectual debate—it is one of the key policy challenges of our time.” For more information on the Global Commission on Drug Policy, and to read their report, visit www.globalcommissionondrugs.org.

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Rooster FReSHMEN is not the time for a long-distance relationship.

Not reading the syllabus Just because you went to class the first day does not mean you know what you’re getting yourself into. Many teachers have attendance requirements that they may not mention during class, such as, “After three absences, your grade drops five letters.” Most teachers also won’t go over every single assignment or test, so if you don’t do it, no one is going to be reminding you.

Letting a bad roommate ruin your experience Yes, it sucks when you have a roommate who doesn’t mesh well with you, but don’t let it get you down. Everyone has a roommate horror story from college at some point, so just chalk this one up to being yours. Do your best to get along by being courteous when you can and limit your time in your room if it’s that bad.

7 MISTAKES FRESHMEN MAKE

We all make mistakes, just ask your parents.

Sleeping with someone in your dorm This easily gets messy because you can see each other’s entire lives way too quickly. Same bathrooms, same dining hall, same neighbors = no privacy. This also means that if you plan on getting laid with someone else, your dorm lover will find out soon enough, only causing drama and anxiety in the same bathrooms, same dining hall and with your same neighbors.

Not knowing where your classes are before your first day Okay, you have your class list. You have the names of the buildings and the classroom numbers. Think you’re set to go for the first day of class? Think again. There is nothing more embarrassing than being the doe-eyed wanderer struggling to find Norlin the first day

of class. CU’s campus isn’t huge, but it’s still new territory for freshmeat. Avoid having to whip out a color-coded map and just explore the campus on your own before classes start.

Staying in a relationship with your high-school boyfriend/girlfriend College offers a plethora of new experiences, which means new people. Holding on to that hometown sweetheart limits your exposure to both of these things. With a significant other back home, you’ll probably make the mistake of visiting him or her too many times. Doing this pulls you away from your college friends and routine, which causes you to miss out on some of the college experience. It’s all good and well to remain on civil terms with your high school sweetheart, so when you go home for breaks you can enjoy each other’s company, but freshman year of college

Being overly ambitious Sure, you want to impress your parents and prove that you can have a job, take 18 credits, live on your own and join a bunch of clubs. Big mistake. Just like with alcohol, you need to know your limits. College is a new environment, which means you need time to adjust. Remember that a full-time student only has to take 12 credits. Wait a semester or two to get your bearings before taking on the responsibility of a job. Only join the clubs you actually want to be a part of so you can meet like-minded people and not overload yourself with unnecessary stress.

Not learning how to do laundry Mom isn’t around anymore to separate your whites and fold your shirts, so it’s time to get familiar with the rinse cycle. You don’t want to mess up your laundry or you could end up with clothes two sizes smaller and/or the color of that wild Alaskan salmon you spent too much on at Ideal Market. Do yourself a favor and Google your way to clean underwear. —Erin Moriarty 57

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Rooster Beer

BEER OF THE MONTH STATS: 6% ABV

HOPS: Cascade Northern Brewer Chinook IBU Scale: 5

Less Bitter

65 100

More Bitter

wisted Pine’s flagship ale might have a snazzy new label, but the beautiful beer bubbling inside the bottle is the same classic recipe that Coloradoans have been enjoying for over a decade. Hoppy Boy IPA pours a hazy, sunset orange and the citrus, Cascadian hop fragrance that springs from the rocky white head serves to demonstrate Twisted Pine’s mastery of the dry-hopping technique. Take another

whiff and one notices that hops don’t outright dominate the aroma, but rather compliment the earthy, sweet scent of the malted barley. The perfect balance of hops and grain becomes more evident as the delicious brew hits the palate. Hoppy Boy has such a well-rounded flavor that the beer seems to dance all over the tongue, exercising each taste bud. The caramel malt notes and invigorating hop bitterness

achieve an appealing harmony that is followed by a dry crispness with a little stamp of grapefruit in the finish. Hoppy Boy is widely available in Colorado and can be found in seven other states as well. Of course, it is recommended that the beer lover head to the source and enjoy the good vibes and great variety of beers offered by Twisted Pine’s Ale House, located here in Boulder at 3201 Walnut St. 59

Rooster Health calories, which pales in comparison to calories you’d ingest by drinking the six beers or four cocktails you’d need to get drunk. If you’re really going for health, here’s a way to capitalize on your slothlike qualities and minimize calories at the same time: eat earlier than usual in the day so your stomach is empty when you start drinking. That way, you’ll need less alcohol to feel drunk. Plus, you know you’re going to stumble into Cosmo’s at 1:30 a.m. to binge on pizza and scope drunk chicks, so you can get your second meal of the day then, when you are already drunk. Now that’s what we call a fitness plan.

LAZY HEALTH

Working out is just so tiring. So you’re in college and most of your time is spent studying, getting drunk or eating stuff. Where can you possibly find time to eat right, exercise and be healthy? You can’t. That’s why we compiled a groundbreaking health guide for you lazy slobs who want to dabble in the fine art of being healthy.

Really going at it can burn between 15 to 50 calories depending on what position you’re in, how hard you do it and for how long. But if you want to burn twice the amount of calories and experience twice the pleasure, shave your vagina, go out and get laid. Sex burns anywhere from 60 to 110 calories per 30-minute session.

1. Exercise

2. Diet

Chewing gum Chew a few pieces throughout the day and burn about 30 calories per day. Now you’re moving!

Supplements Pills are fun because they’re easy to take. There are all kinds of pills. Some pills can supplement nutrients you would normally get from your diet, and we all know your diet is crap. These miraculous things are known as vitamins, and taking a few letters such as B, C, D and E will give you energy, nice skin and boost your immune system. So much easier than trying to find food that will supply you with these things…

Butt clenches Does your butt feel fat? No problem. When you’re surfing the Internet for mediocre porn, blast the fat from your ass by contracting your butt muscles as hard as you can and hold for 15 seconds. Repeat. Repeat again. Go on, do it again. This increases circulation to your ass and builds up the muscle. You don’t even have to stand up for Christ’s sake. Masturbation Beating your meat is a fantastic way to sneak some cardio into your daily routine. 60

Shots! Shots! Shots! An average shot contains between 50 and 80 calories. Compared to an average beer or cocktail (100-150 calories), shots seem like a good choice. Even if you are somewhat of a heavyweight, taking four shots is going to cost you around 300

Eat raw Eat food that requires little to no preparation. Celery, carrots, peppers, fruit, whatever. All you have to do is put it in your mouth and chew. Yeah, it might taste bland, but at least you’re not cooking or spending money at a restaurant. If you’re as lazy as you say you are, then you’ll reach for the first edible thing you see, which in most college houses is often something like bananas that your roommates forgot to eat.

3. Energy and vitality Sleep Sleep is the penultimate lazy behavior, and lucky for you, it’s one of the healthiest things you can do. While you sleep, your immune system goes into overdrive and important neural connections form. Sleep brightens your mood, increases your capacity to feel pleasure, allows you to focus and makes you really pretty. If you haven’t got time to sleep, take cat naps. Fifteen- to 30-minute sleep sessions can recharge you more than a full hour or more of sleep, and you don’t get that groggy, pissy, after-a-nap feeling. Sleeping is an effective way for you to incorporate laziness into a healthy lifestyle. Buy a plant Up here in Boulder, oxygen is limited. Our altitude (5,430 feet) makes the air thinner and less oxygenated, which can lead to fatigue and headaches. Have you heard of plants? They release oxygen as a byproduct of photosynthesis. Get one and put it by your bed so when you sleep you can breathe some bad-ass, oxygen-rich air.

—Isabelle Kohn

If Rooster can’t show you the way, maybe “16 and Pregnant” can. 62

Rooster reality tv Here are some of the highlights (and lowlights) of the most ridiculous reality TV shows we just can't get enough of.

Most exploited children This first category is dedicated to the joys of parenting—or lack thereof. The award for most exploited children goes to "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.” The newest TLC show capitalizes on what works best for the network—exploiting children. Think "Toddlers and Tiaras" meets "Jersey Shore." The show is about a group of Irish Traveler gypsies whose "culture" is living as uneducated trailer trash, drinking and being devoutly Catholic. Young "traveler" girls are basically born as indentured servants, only to receive a fifth-grade education at best, and are forced to raise their brothers and sisters, keep their trailers clean and prepare to be married off at the late age of 16. There's even a practice called "grabbing" that is totally condoned by the gypsies documented in the series. It's called harassment in America. Girls aren't allowed to ask a boy out on a date. Instead, they stand on a street corner dressed like prostitutes and if a boy likes them, he will literally grab them, take them into a dark alley and forcefully plant a kiss or grab a boob. But there's no sex before marriage—that would just be wrong. Speaking of child prostitutes, “Toddlers and Tiaras” receives a close second in this category for most exploited children. Something about a mother forcing her three-year-old to chug Redbull then put on her "sexy face" just doesn't seem right.

The young and the stupid The award for the most young and stupid reality TV show is a tie between “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom,” which both showcase the decision-making capabilities and maturity of today's teens. Or not. On the premier of Season 2 of “Teen Mom,” Sophia's mom Farrah decides that spending money on her daughter is more important than getting fake tits. But it's not enough to stop her. Instead she'll just take out a loan she can't afford. We

watch in horror as Farrah gets turned down by every bank in the phonebook until someone decides she qualifies for a loan. I really wonder what that interest rate was.

Psychologically challenged What could be worse than having your drug-addicted mother, brother, sister or father played out on national TV? Having your drug-addicted mother, brother, sister or father played out on national TV. Anyone who watches the show "Intervention" is in for one hell of a meth, heroin and cocaine binge-gonebad without even having to take the drugs themselves. Excellent.

Most thinned-out show The award for most thinned-out show is “Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.” Another, former version of the show called “The Swan” took busted-up people and gave them a silicone and fat-injected total body makeover. It was fun to laugh at and morally repulsive at the same time, teaching us that any fugly dude/chick could be made into a Real Housewife of Orange County if they had

Are these people screwed up? Or are we screwed up for watching them? the money for all of the surgeries. Needless to say the show went off the air, only for “EM: Weight Loss Edition” to emerge victorious. Producers of this show know we are impatient viewers, so they show a person's total weight-loss transformation over the course of an entire year edited down to just one hour. Thanks, ABC!

Runners up for most out-of-control shows: • “Dance Moms” is a little like a combination of “Cops,” “Toddlers & Tiaras” and “Celebrity Fit Club.” Drill sergeant Abby Lee, choreographer to 6to 13-year-old girls, teaches us dance is

more important than school, health and most importantly—it’s above the law. Drinking game: take a shot every time Abby yells at a child or a parent.

• “Bad Girls Club” would more appropriately be called “Future Women's Prison Cell Block 8.” I learned from watching Judge Joe Brown that it's a criminal offense punishable by jail to intentionally pour bleach on someone’s clothes. But to the Bad Girls, that is Saturday night. • “Extreme Couponing”? More like tax-evading greedy bastards addicted to the rush of acquiring more than a lifetime of free toothpaste. What makes you think you can get everything for free, assholes? • “Taboo”: a.k.a. sex fetishes you’d rather not know about. Man-babies? Gross! Sex surrogates? Double gross! If you haven't seen this show, you’re in for a treat! • “Freaky Eaters” and “My Strange Addiction”: Love tartar sauce? Love ice cream? Like couches? These people take their obsessions to the max by eating only a single type of food, or by munching down on couch cushions. You haven't seen anything if you haven't seen a girl lick the bottom of an ashtray—on purpose. • “Confessions: Animal Hoarding”: If you think “Hoarders” or TLC's “Hoarding: Buried Alive” is bad, Animal Planet has created their own monstrosity of this show, and it takes hoarding to a whole new level. Can you imagine what the urine and feces of 200 cats and dogs stuffed inside a one-bedroom apartment smells like? We can now, thanks to this wonderful show. • Don't think we forgot "Jersey Shore"—there isn't a comment to be made about a bunch of old Oompa Loompas running around "smooshing" and "fist pumping" that hasn't already been made. The world is a sick and twisted, bizarre and baffling place. Thanks to reality TV, it's no longer a mystery what people do behind closed doors. It begs the question: are these people screwed up? Or are we screwed up for watching them? —Rachel Worthy

Rooster university

HOW TO WIN ANY DEBATE

You win the crowd, you win the argument. College is the battleground on which peers, teachers and the opposite sex will constantly test your intellect and wit. These verbal jousting matches will be fun, at times annoying, occasionally informative and most certainly infuriating. We've all been on the losing end of a dispute, confident going in and mystified going out, wondering how we became the loser. In this column, Rooster will illuminate the ways in which you can disarm your opponents and make them say “Uncle!”

The Golden Rule: There are no rules.

This one seems obvious, but to many it's not. We're raised in a society in which, from day one, our parents and teachers tell us to play by the rules. Be honest, tell the truth, believe in your convictions, and above all, don't be a liar. The easiest opponent (sucker) to beat is the one who thinks everyone is playing by the same rules. You may believe every word you say, you may speak truthfully and your intentions may be just, but don't for a minute let this fool you into thinking

that your adversary is doing the same. What's the importance of this? If you go into an argument with a false premise, it's impossible to win.

the winner regardless of what's actually being debated.

Example:

Ignore what he says, and ask him to prove his credentials. What makes him a credible source? Does he consider himself an expert? If he tries to use facts and data, ask him where it's from. Is he sure those numbers are correct? Bombard him with questions, and when he wavers on an answer, jump on it. This will cast doubt into people's minds and they won't view him as a reliable source.

You're at a crowded party, and unfortunately, a political debate breaks out. You take the side that, let's say, is obviously correct. Shockingly, I take the opposite viewpoint, which has not a leg to stand on; the crowd, intrigued by the debate, looks on. You can use logic and reasoning to convince me that I'm wrong, but I'll still win every time. Why? Because you're trying to win the logic, and I'm trying to win the crowd. You win the crowd, you win the argument.

Tactic 1:

Debate something you don't care about. Political arguments are great because 99% of the time, the other guy will get emotionally invested in proving his point to you. When people see your opponent getting worked up and angry while you're sitting there like Cool Hand Luke, people will automatically see you as

Tactic 2: Damn the source.

Tactic 3: Ridicule and humor. After you've frustrated and infuriated your opponent, it's time to put your foot on the gas pedal and finish him with some well-timed jokes. Parry his diehard seriousness with levity and witty quips, and he will likely get so mad he will quit the debate altogether in a fit of rage. Let him leave the room in anger; then, have a celebratory toast and a laugh with your onlookers. —Ethan Sklar

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Rooster Drinks

BOULDER BAR

They made ‘em; we tried ‘em. Here are our top five Walrus specialty drinks.

Dirty Shirley

12-Step Program (fishbowl) Detox

1 oz. vodka ½ oz. grenadine Sierra Mist

1 oz. Bacardi 151 3 oz. vodka 3 oz. rum 2 oz. blue 1 oz. Chambord to sink

Pros: If you don’t like Shirley Temples, then chances are you didn’t have a great childhood. Take those great memories of cherry and add some vodka for the perfect light and tasty concoction. Cons: It’s hard for any male to order a Dirty Shirley at the bar without garnering attention. Luckily, you aren’t just any male.

SHOTS

Cons: If you plan on ordering this for just two, good luck. The fishbowl is the size of your head and takes more than a couple amateurs to take down.

Cons: This drink has absolutely nothing to do with detoxing. It should be named “retox.”

Cowgirl Cocksucker Shot

Poontang Drop Shot

1/2 oz. Butterscotch Schnapps 1/2 oz. Baileys Pros: Cowgirl Cocksucker, slippery nipple, buttery nipple, call it whatever you like, but this shot is a favorite of Rooster. Our go-to recipe when in need of a good shot, the cowgirl cocksucker is a tasty treat with a name that can’t be beat.

1/2 oz. Stoli Orange in a shot glass 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier in a shot glass 3 oz. Redbull in a Collins glass 1 oz. orange juice in a Collins glass Pros: When we put this lovely drop shot to our lips, we couldn’t help but flash back to the days when we ordered good drinks and not well crap. This Walrus original is an orange delight that leaves every customer wanting more.

Cons: If you don’t mind a sweet shot here and there, this is a good shot. If you aren’t a fan of sweet shots, take just one or two of these and you’ll be fine.

Pros: Social drinks are always a pro. Fish bowls come in a variety of flavors, each tailored to an individual palate. Our fish bowl tasted like a blue Otter Pop.

½ oz. gin ½ oz. Coconut rum ½ oz. Blue Curacao ½ oz. Melon Liqueur Sprite Sweet and sour Pineapple juice Pros: The blend of these ingredients refreshes the palate like a cool piña colada on a hot beach. Unfortunately, you aren’t on a hot beach so you might as well grab a handful of peanuts from the bin and enjoy this pineapple libation.

Cons: There aren’t too many cons when it comes to this delicious shot. Our one qualm: drink too many of these and you could become a giant poontang. Sorry, we needed this joke somewhere.

Monday:

$2.00 Calls, $2.00 16oz pints of Bud and Bud Light drafts

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Rooster Lounge

Drinking Game of the Month: “Most Likely To…” What you need: •

A deck of cards

•

3-13 people

•

Lots of beer

How it’s played: For our example, we’ll play with a group of five people. Everyone sits in a circle and is assigned one card: Ace, 2, 3, 4 or 5 (discount higher cards if you’re playing with less people). The card dealt remains each player’s card for the rest of the game, and everyone should note who has which card. The dealer then gives each player one of all the cards (using only Ace through 5) except for their own—this will be the card the player plays with. He/she then states the yearbook award: “Most likely to…” followed by an activity. For example: “Most likely

to pass out in someone else’s puke tonight.” Each player picks the card of the person he/she thinks is most likely to fulfill the statement then places that card face down in the center of the circle. Once everyone has made their selection, the dealer gathers the cards and hands the players the cards (if any) with their numbers on them. Each player must then pick who he/she thinks chose him/her. If he/she is right, the person who chose him/her drinks. If the player is wrong, he/she takes two drinks. This continues around the circle for everyone who was chosen. The player with the most cards drinks double, and starts the next round once the cards are redistributed. The number of players involved can be increased by increments of five (Ace10) for every deck added and can be played with up to 13 players (Ace-King) with three decks.

Confessions

Forgive me, Rooster, for I have sinned.

Getting off your boyfriend I had been hanging out with this guy for a little bit and I couldn’t tell if he was interested in me or if we were just friends. We were always pretty flirty, but he never made a move. He would make references to his ex-girlfriends often, so I assumed he just had gotten out of a relationship and wanted to take some time to be on his own. One night we had a nightcap while his roommates stayed out at the bars. We got to drinking a few too many beers when he finally pulled me toward him and kissed me. He took me to his room where he took my top off and started kissing me all over. Soon, we heard lots of voices and just took it as his roommates coming home from the bars. Pretty soon there was a banging on his door and someone was jiggling the handle, but he reassured me he had locked it. We laughed at how annoying his roommates were, and since we were all friends, I just shouted, “Leave us alone, I’m trying to get laid!” The next thing I know, I hear

the lock turn and there is a girl standing in the doorway screaming at the guy. She started calling me a “dirty whorish slut” and to get off her boyfriend’s dick. They started a screaming fight while I was still straddling him, so I removed myself and tried to get my stuff together. The entire time, the guy’s girlfriend kept calling me names and trying to fight me. —Kerry, junior

Hat tricks, other tricks I had been having a rough week since my boyfriend had decided it was time to take a break. I assumed this meant he just wanted to sleep around for a week or two and then get back together, like he had done many times before. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to sulk like I usually did when he did this to me and I resigned myself to doing what he was doing. One of my good friends has a boyfriend in a fraternity and I knew one of his brothers always had a crush on me. We went over to the house to pre-

game with them, and after a few shots, we were getting really touchy with one another. I went ahead and kissed him in front of everyone before I asked him to take me to his room. We had a quickie and then I promptly got dressed to go back out to meet all of our friends. We went out for the night, where I ran into an old guy friend from the dorms I hadn’t seen in two years. Intent on continuing my night of acting like a dude, I started making out with him. We had sex in the bathroom at the party and then I brought him back to my house with me. We hooked up all night and then in the morning, my phone started blowing up with calls and texts from my boyfriend telling me how big of a mistake he made. He wanted to come over to apologize and make up, so I got my friend out of my room as fast as I could. My boyfriend came over, we made up and ended up having sex, too. I was so proud of my hat trick that after he finished, I broke up with him. —Lindsay, senior 69

Rooster DRINKING

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH: Sundown Saloon’s John Tempest How long have you worked here? Seven years. What’s your favorite drink to make? I don’t have a favorite, I just don’t like making margaritas. We just have sour mix and people don’t understand that. It’s not going to be delicious. What do you like best about working at the Downer? It’s very family-oriented, we’re all friends and hang out together. It’s a lot of fun, almost as if you’re going out while you’re working.

one. Everybody ends up here at the end of the night because it’s cheap and easy. What’s the worst way to get service? Put your hand in my face, snap at me or yell, “Yo!” Reaching and grabbing behind the bar is bad; we see you. We’re busy, but we know. We’re not oblivious. What do you pour for a 21st birthday? Phil’s Flaming Phlegm. I’m not supposed to tell what’s in it, but it’s Peppermint Schnapps, Bacardi 151 and Crème de Menthe.

What’s the craziest night of the year? Halloween or St. Patrick’s Day. Those two get out of hand; people get crazy.

What would you do if you weren’t a bartender? To support my lifestyle? I don’t know. That’s been the problem so far. Try to play some kind of sport I guess, nothing too serious.

Describe the Downer crowd. Eclectic. We have a lot of regulars. Boulder isn’t a big town, eventually you get to see every-

What’s the nastiest drink you’ve made someone? Jack and Rumple Minze mixed together.

What are your most requested drinks? Pitchers of PBR, wells, whiskey. We sell the most PBR in the nation; out of every bar, we’re number 1. PBR called us with their quarterly and said, “You guys are in the lead right now.” When we found out, we did a PBR charity event for the puppies, and PBR brought us a bunch of crazy stuff to give away. How many kegs of PBR do you go through a night? We stock up with 30 kegs for the weekend, just for Friday and Saturday. Any horror stories? It’s not the place it was five or six years ago. There were a lot more fights, a lot more crazy stuff going on. We upped security and changed the atmosphere. I’m sure the stuff I think is routine would be a horror story to most, but it’s just natural now. Drunk people do crazy things.

Rooster Games

Up or Down

Rooster’s

FACEBOOK QUESTION OF THE MONTH

If you had a porn star name, what would it be? Vet Gives Bald Eagle Mouth-to-Beak

Sure, some might say that we who work at Rooster are heroes—or maybe it was assholes, we can’t remember—but to us, the real heroes are those risking their lives on a daily basis ensuring that the world is a better place. One Oregonian vet took heroism one step further. After a car struck a bald eagle and left it breathless, veterinarian Jeff Cooper took the bird’s life into his own hands by performing mouthto-beak on the injured fawn. Watching the video of the life-saving procedure, we couldn’t help but shed a tear for America. To put your mouth on a beak most often used for ripping the flesh off small rodents and fish takes courage, craziness and above all, love of America. Because of Mr. Cooper, America has one more bald eagle, and with that the American Dream still remains intact. Mr. Cooper, thank you.

Michelle Bachman’s Husband’s Gay Change Therapy We feel deeply sorry for bringing this up right after the patriotic story of the vet saving a bald eagle, but because of its insanity and the fact that it is associated with a person running for the highest office in the world, we had to comment on Michelle Bachman’s husband’s clinics that offer Christian counseling, which encourages homosexuals to try and change their sexual orientation. Is this really happening in the year 2011? Have we not agreed to let people live their own lives and keep to our own business? The fact that a person associated with a process so insensitive and illogical can even get a chance at running for president is just as insane as the story itself. We aren’t saying Democrats are any better, but Republicans need to understand that this type of impracticality only pushes young voters toward the other party.

Cock of Gibraltar Joey C.

Haywood Jblowme Robbie L.

The Magic Dante C.

Tia Maria Muffburger Hannah J.

Pumps Longfeather Leticia B.

Dixie McChuggin

Sudoku

Shad I.

Cherry Poppins Stu W.

Woody McBeefsticks Brennan K.

Human Slot Machine Mike H.

Become a Fan!

Enter contests each day to win tickets, dinners, free stuff and more–and it’s all because you like us that much. 72

Rooster Jokes

Jokes of the Month Drunken ladies DUI violations Three women left separately after a late night out drinking Guinness. They meet the next day for an early pint and compare notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.” To which the second gal replies, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third says, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

One night, a police officer was checking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his car. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer, who had been waiting for him, stopped the driver and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Doggie style Three pregnant women—a brunette, a red-head and a blonde—are sitting in

a doctor’s office. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other two ask how. She replies, "Well I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a girl.” The red-head says, "If that’s true, then I’ll have a boy because I was on bottom.” The blonde starts crying and screams, “Oh my God, I’m going to have a puppy!”

They stole it all

A drunk phones the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cries. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rings a second time with the same. "Never mind," he says with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Send your joke of the month to RoosterMagazine@gmail.com.

CU: Institution of Higher learning

Rooster did a little eavesdropping on campus. Here’s what we heard: “I’ll take ‘fugly whore’ as a term of endearment when it comes from a girl with a face like that.” “Does anyone know why my hair smells like sex and Play-doh?” “Ramen noodles aren’t nearly as good in rewind.” “I can’t get the swine flu from him. I didn’t kiss him, I just had sex with him. It makes all the difference.” “The midterm was like unprotected sex with a really hot chick. I felt super good going in, then violated and a bit itchy coming out.”

“Get a dog. Then you’ll be attractive.” “I’m just saying it’s not in her best interest to use her toothbrush today after what I did to it.”

“Your goal this weekend is to sleep with someone of legal age.”

“I think her breaking up with me is God’s way of telling me I need to make out with more freshmen with tongue rings.” “Isn’t that why she broke up with you?” “Details…”

“I’m Captain Jack Sparrow... in a tutu!”

“Pants off is the new black.”

“I just saw myself on Girls Gone Wild. With a shirt on. I didn’t sign up for that.” “Is it wrong to use condoms with my girlfriend, and none when I screw my neighbor?” “I have to write a paper about this bitch that wrote some shit. I think today they call them authors.” “She tried to stab a baby with a fork. I don’t think a dog is a good idea right now.” “See this face? Remember it, I’m drinking it off tonight.” “So, I was thinking with my brain.” “What do you usually think with?” “My drunken vagina.”

Rooster Horoscopes

AugustHookUpHoroscopes Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Boredom is the enemy of the Aquarius. Boring routines and habits form slowly, but once they gain momentum it’s hard for you to break the cycle. Kick start August with a spark by approaching a stranger you’re attracted to and devilishly letting them know you like him/her. The sexual rush this will give you is addictive and you’ll be wondering what stopped you before. Approach the right Taurus or Virgo and you both will be playing doctor throughout the night.

Pisces

Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 Your best chance for love this month will come from your ability to empathize and relate with someone who is going through a transition in his/her life. If there's is a mutual attraction, he/she will seek your advice. You are great at using your own life experiences to understand someone else, and by giving people sound advice, they will open themselves up to you emotionally and sexually.

Aries

Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 What makes Aries so attractive to others is their strong independence and will. While this can make relationships tough, it also means you can easily attract people to your aura of confidence. This month, your best shot at love is with a Libra or Sagittarius who will be drawn to one of your unique talents and passions. The more you let them into your world, the more eager they’ll be to get lost in it overnight.

Taurus Apr. 20 - May 20

Persistence always pays off in the end and it's one of your strongest traits—and your most easily forgotten. We are constantly being tested in the mating game to prove our desire for someone. Just because someone finds you attractive doesn't mean they're going to suddenly drop their pants. A seasoned lover knows that chemistry builds and builds until neither of you can resist any longer.

Gemini May 21 - Jun. 21

Geminis are known for their sharp wit and humor, making them the life of the party. One-night stands and crazy flings come a lot easier to you than relationships. Your witty personality is very attractive, but you are also adept at causing hurt feelings. Sometimes you don't realize you've hurt someone, so make the commitment to listen and you'll find yourself a red-hot connection.

Cancer Jun. 22 - Jul. 22

You likely find yourself being labeled as a nice girl or guy, too many times for your liking. You may constantly feel sexy or naughty, but you we've learned to suppress those desires when you're around friends because you fear their judgments. Forget who people think you are, and be the sexual person you see yourself being. You may get some ribbing, but by month's end you'll be the one scoring and the envy of your friends.

Leo

Jul. 23 - Aug. 22 You have a rare confidence about you that is seductive and powerful. It's almost an innate influence that makes guys or girls attracted to you. Recently, you've been blinded by your own aura and have missed several guys or girls that would have done anything for you—or to you. Their signals aren't going to be as obvious, because they're a little intimidated. Be the boss, and tell them exactly what it is you want.

Virgo

Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 You thrive on other people's energy and excitement, and they love yours as well. When you’re at parties or events you're excited about, you can work the room like no one else. When you're in this social gear, you won't think twice about walking up to an attractive guy or girl and letting them know who you are. He or she will be receptive, and before long, they'll pull you close and whisper something they'd never tell their mother.

Libra

Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 The art of seduction relies on discerning what people want and giving it to them. You will be able to seduce almost any Aquarius or Leo this month. They both have strong and assertive personalities that love the chase and pride themselves on being able to conquer someone that isn't a sexual extrovert. Little do they know they are the ones being played as you lead them on a chase. When you sheepishly admit you can longer resist them, they'll be yours.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Scorpios are great observers and listeners. Your intellect and patience are some of your best assets but they also make you too cautious of going into a relationship or even having a casual fling. If you think too hard about all the possible things that can go wrong, you'll never make a move, and that is something you will always regret. Think about the positive sexual excitement this person will bring into your life and the choice is an easy one.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

There is a sexual animal in all of us, and you haven't let yours out yet. We all have our reasons for being private when it comes to our sex lives, but don't fool yourself into thinking this is always best. Let yourself go for once, whether it's talking to friends about sex or getting wild with a onenight stand. You'll learn that it feels good to be so sexually expressive and open with someone else.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

The Zodiac points toward a shift in your desires. The carnal passion you once had for one person will begin to dissipate the more time you spend with them. As a seeker of truth, you are quick to discover when people are fake or insincere. Likewise, your instincts are also sharp at detecting those who are very attracted to you. Use this to your advantage by getting up close and personal with those people, and let them know you feel the same.

Rooster boulder scene

Where The Buffalo Roam

Half Fast

The Goose

Shooters

Conor O’Neill’s 76

Bacaro

Absinthe House

Rooster boulder scene

Walrus

The Sink

Half Fast 78

Rooster boulder scene

Photos Shooters

Walrus

Our store is a living space, always changing... eclectic styles always coming and going. Find Our Coupon In Back For A Special Deal 79

Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday The Sink (On the Hill) 303-444-7465

Applebee’s

Tuesday

Wednesday

3-6 p.m.

9 p.m.-CL

3-9 p.m.

4-7 p.m.

$3 Wells $3 Wine $3 Drafts $3 Appetizers

1/2 Price Apps $3 Taps

$3 Wells $3 Wine $3 Drafts $3 Appetizers

1/2 Price Apps $3 Taps

3-6 p.m.

Thursday

$3 Wells $3 Wine $3 Drafts $3 Appetizers

1/2 Price Apps $3 Taps

Friday 3-6 p.m. $3 Wells $3 Wine $3 Drafts $3 Appetizers

9 p.m.-CL

Saturday All Day

$3 Hazed and Infused

Sunday All Day

$3 Wells $3 Wine $3 Drafts $3 Appetizers

9 p.m.-CL

3-9 p.m.

4-7 p.m.

5 p.m.-CL

1/2 Price Apps $3 Taps

1906 28th Street 303-442-8813

Shooters Saloon & Pizzeria 1801 13th St., Suite 190 303-209-3741

CLOSED

4-7 p.m. Half Fast Subs (On the Hill) 303-449-0404

$2.50 Horny Amber $4.49 Any 7” Sub $2.25 Coors Lt Drfts $2.75 New Belg Drfts $6 Coors Lt Pitchers

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

4-7 p.m.

$2.50 Horny Amber $4.49 Any 7” Sub $2.25 Coors Lt Drfts $2.75 New Belg Drfts $6 Coors Lt Pitchers

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

$2.50 Horny Amber $4.49 Any 7” Sub $2.25 Coors Lt Drfts $2.75 New Belg Drfts $6 Coors Lt Pitchers

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

$2.50 Horny Amber $4.49 Any 7” Sub $2.25 Coors Lt Drfts $2.75 New Belg Drfts $6 Coors Lt Pitchers

11:45 p.m.-CL

1/2 Price food and drinks

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

$2.50 Horny Amber $4.49 Any 7” Sub $2.25 Coors Lt Drfts $2.75 New Belg Drfts $6 Coors Lt Pitchers

11:45 p.m.-CL

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

Mix and Match $3.75 All Doubles $3.75 Glasses of LIT, Margs and Hurricanes

11:45 p.m.-CL

1/2 Price food and drinks

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Find The Rooster!

The 1st and 30th person to find the above diamond Rooster in this issue will have a choice between a pair of tickets to nit grit at Bluebird Theater Sept. 2 or mstrkrft at the ogden on Sept. 10. Emails should be sent to RoosterMagazine@gmail.com by Aug. 22 correctly telling us where the Diamond Rooster is located. Tickets will be issued that same day. Idiot, the above rooster is not the correct rooster. 80

2-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Domestic Drfts 2-for-1 Wines $5 Pitchers of PBR $5 Double Beams $5 Double Sailor Jerry’s

$6 7” Sandwich and Soda $7 7” Sandwich and Beer $8 7” Sandwich and Cocktail

Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday 2-9 p.m. $2 Wells $2.25 Selects $2.75 Select Premiums 1729 28th St. $1.75 Bud, Bud Light, 720-974-9490 Coors, Coors Light $2.50 House Wines $2.75 Deschutes Handles

Baker St. Pub

3-7 p.m. Boulder Cafe 1245 Pearl St. 303-444-4884

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

Conor Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Neillâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 1922 13th St. 303-449-1922

The Med 1002 Walnut Street 303-444-5335

Tuesday 2-9 p.m.

Wednesday

Thursday

Saturday

Sunday

2-9 p.m.

$2 Wells $2.25 Selects $2.75 Select Premiums $1.75 Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light $2.50 House Wines $2.75 Deschutes Handles

3-7 p.m.

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$3 Drafts $3 Wine $3 Wells $3 Euro Plates

3-6:30 p.m.

$3.50 Drafts $4 Sangria and cocktails $5 Featured wines $6 Margs and well martinis

Friday

2-9 p.m.

$3.50 Drafts $4 Sangria and cocktails $5 Featured wines $6 Margs and well martinis

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$3 Drafts $3 Wine $3 Wells $3 Euro Plates

3-6:30 p.m. $3.50 Drafts $4 Sangria and cocktails $5 Featured wines $6 Margs and well martinis

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$3 Drafts $3 Wine $3 Wells $3 Euro Plates

3-6:30 p.m. $3.50 Drafts $4 Sangria and cocktails $5 Featured wines $6 Margs and well martinis

All Day

$2 Drafts 1/2 price all premium liquor drinks 1/2 price wine

3-7 p.m.

$3 Drafts $3 Wine $3 Wells $3 Euro Plates

3-6:30 p.m. $3.50 Drafts $4 Sangria and cocktails $5 Featured wines $6 Margs and well martinis

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Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday 2-6 p.m.

$1.50 PBRs $2 Wells $3 Calls

$1.50 PBRs $2.50 Drafts $2 Wells $3 Calls

3-6 p.m.

Sushi Spot $2.50 Drafts 1116 13th Street 303-447-8744

Goose 1301 Broadway 720-565-0540

1136 Pearl St. 303-938-0330

Thursday 2-6 p.m.

$1.50 PBRs $2.50 Drafts $2 Wells $3 Calls

3-6 p.m.

2-for-1 Wells $12 Dom. Buckets $15 Import Buckets $1 Off Prem. Drafts

$2 Jim Beam $2 Bud

5-6:30 p.m.

$2.50 Handrolls, 4pc Cali Rolls, 2pc Shrimp $2 Kirin and Sake Bombs $3 House Wine, Hot Sake and Well Drinks $2-$5 Japanese Tapas $2 off Specialty Rolls

$2.50 Handrolls, 4pc Cali Rolls, 2pc Shrimp $2 Kirin and Sake Bombs $3 House Wine, Hot Sake and Well Drinks

$2.50 Handrolls, 4pc Cali Rolls, 2pc Shrimp $2 Kirin and Sake Bombs $3 House Wine, Hot Sake and Well Drinks $2-$5 Japanese Tapas $2 off Specialty Rolls

3-7 p.m.

$1 off Drafts $1 off Cocktails

All Day

3-7 p.m.

$2 off Apps 1/2 off Mini Pizzas $1 off Drafts $1 off Cocktails 1/2 Price wine all day

Friday

All Day

3-7 p.m.

$2 off Apps 1/2 off Mini Pizzas $2 Drafts $1 off Cocktails

Saturday

Sunday

No Specials

2-6 p.m.

2-for-1 Wells $12 Dom. Buckets $15 Import Buckets $1 Off Prem. Drafts

BJ’s Restaurant $2 off Apps & Brewerhouse 1/2 off Mini Pizzas 1125 Pearl St. 303-402-9294

Wednesday 2-6 p.m.

2-for-1 Wells $12 Dom. Buckets $15 Import Buckets $1 Off Prem. Drafts

All Day

Japango Sushi

Tuesday 2-6 p.m.

All Day

2-for-1 Wells $12 Dom. Buckets $15 Import Buckets $1 Off Prem. Drafts

All Day

$2 Jim Beam $2 Bud

3-7 p.m.

$2 off Apps 1/2 off Mini Pizzas $1 off Drafts $1 off Cocktails

5-6:30 p.m. $2.50 Handrolls, 4pc Cali Rolls, 2pc Shrimp $2 Kirin and Sake Bombs $3 House Wine, Hot Sake and Well Drinks $2-$5 Japanese Tapas $2 off Specialty Rolls

3 - 6 p.m. No Happy Hour All Day

$2 Jim Beam $2 Bud

2 for 1 Wells $12 Dom. Buckets $15 Import Buckets $1 off Prem. Drafts

All Day

$2 Jim Beam $2 Bud

5-6:30 p.m.

$2.50 Handrolls, 4pc Cali Rolls, 2pc Shrimp $2 Kirin and Sake Bombs $3 House Wine, Hot Sake, and Well Drinks $2-$5 Japanese Tapas $2 off Specialty Rolls

No Specials

3-7 p.m.

$2 off Apps 1/2 off Mini Pizzas $1 off Drafts $1 off Cocktails

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Wednesday nights

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Win drinks

Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday The Pub 1108 Pearl St. (303) 939-990

Aboâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 1124 13th St. 303-443-3199

Boulder Absinthe House 1109 Walnut St. 303-443-8600

Wednesday

Thursday

4-7 p.m.

4-8 p.m.

$2.50 Bud and Bud Light $3 Avery IPA $3 Sawtooth $3.25 Wells

$2 draft PBR & Spaten $2 bottle of the beer of the day $2.50 wells $5 for two cheese slices and a fountain drink

CLOSED

4-8 p.m. Walrus 1911 11th St. 303-443-9902

Tuesday

4-7 p.m.

$1.75 16-oz Domestic Drafts $1.75 Wells $1.75 10-oz. microbrew mugs

$2.50 Bud and Bud Light $3 Avery IPA $3 Sawtooth $3.25 Wells

$2 draft PBR & Spaten $2 bottle of the beer of the day $2.50 wells $5 for two cheese slices and a fountain drink

$3 Mixed cocktails $3 Summer sangria $1 Session lager bottle $1 Bud/Bud Lights