May Fort Collins Issue by Rooster Magazine

CONTENTS MAY 2012

FEATURED

Rooster Final

47 Get Rich Quick

High paying jobs you’d never take

Everyone’s doing it. Why waste time learning the ins and outs of a job when you can make money immediately? This is a deal you can’t pass up. We did it, and we made millions. Now you can, too!

32 4

It’s America. We don’t take jobs below our believed social standing. No matter how much they pay us.

Stat class

Music: The Lumineers

So you think you’re ready for the real world? Let’s put your knowledge to the test. And we aren’t talking about one of those academic tests that supposedly measure your intelligence. We are talking about the Rooster Final. Yes, we made a final.

Denver’s newest trio offers an infectious exuberance, akin to Mumford & Sons or Edward Sharpe. We promise you won’t be disappointed.

Summer Music Festivals

At Rooster, we love stats. And while our readers think we make them up as is said in a recent letter to the editor, we actually don’t—60% of the time, all of the time. But these stats aren’t from us. They’re from the Department of Labor. And they don’t lie.

Dickhead Bosses

Summertime is coming, and with it a line-up of festivals so intense, so dirty and so extensive that you’ll question ever returning home. Then the booze will wear off and you’ll realize you haven’t showered in four days.

You can’t live with them and you can’t kill them. No, not women. We are talking about dickhead bosses. We’ve devised a few simple rules to deal with any asshole trying to establish power. You’ll be on the fast-track to promotion in no time—standing in the unemployment line.

Greatest Financial Scandals

The Usual Suspects

Overbearing regulation, partial state capitalism and America’s untrusting perspective of corporations all stem from these scandals. Can we get a “what up” from our Occupy homies?

8 EVENTS

28 BLIND DATE

64 HAPPY HOURS

12 SHOWS

54 GAMES

68 HOROSCOPES

15 MUSIC

56 CONFESSIONS

69 COUPONS

23 CLASSMATE

57 MIXOLOGY

26 DEAR IBBY

58 PHOTOS

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Rooster Staff

Editor’s Word College graduation is a momentous occasion. Four years of blood, sweat and Burnett’s Rasberry vodka culminating in a diploma, a nice dinner and a cockeyed smile from your parents who are praying to the big man above that their investment in you will pay off. And it will. The knowledge you acquired during your college tenure is invaluable: resumes are a series of fictitious stories, a job in a field other than your major is inevitable, and every friend must jump on the grenade for the good of the team. Yes, college was a great time—but the real world awaits. And it sucks. In the real world, say goodbye to weekday drinking. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays should be reserved for TPS reports and David Letterman. In the real world, people actually work 50 weeks in a row before they have vacation. Summer, spring and Christmas break eventually become a figment of your imagination and a place of solace while your boss questions why you accidentally shredded the largest contract your company has ever signed. But don’t worry. According to the statistics from the Labor Department, you won’t even have a chance at this job anyway. All right; we are being overly pessimistic. There are still arbitrage opportunities in this thing called the rat race. Our resident money expert outlines eight ways to make money in this flailing

market. Sure some of them might seem extreme, but if it were easy, everyone would be doing it. We’ve also included financial terminology that should grease the wheels for your rise from rags to riches. Welcome to the 1 percent. As always, enjoy the issue, dream big and keep learning. We’ve inundated ourselves with How I Met Your Mother episodes, and to be honest, there isn’t much that rivals this well-written show. It’s our top pick of the month. Yours truly, Simon Berger

Publisher: Ethan Sklar Editor-in-Chief: Simon Berger Managing Editor: Amy Segreti Contributing Editor: Geof Wollerman Associate Editors: Isabelle Kohn, Erin Moriarty, Michael Flora, Dina Hood Contributing Writers: Jay Wheeler Bennett, Matt Allen, Caitlin Mccluskey, Megan Runyon, Marcus Moritz, Tiffany Lutke, Kevin Camino, Catie Collins, Caitlin Knight, James Robb Advertising Executive: Dominik Schatz Photo Editor: Christoph DuFoe Photo Contributors: Molly Burns, Jules Kueffer Editorial office: 720-583-6693 Editorial submissions: RoosterMagazine@gmail.com Press releases: Promo.Rooster@gmail.com Promotional inquiries: Promo.Rooster@gmail.com

Work for Rooster We’re currently hiring:

Sales Representatives For these and other openings, email CSU.Rooster@gmail.com with your resume.

Rooster Magazine is a free monthly publication published by Premium Source, Inc. For subscriptions, back issues, or general inquiries, please send all emails to CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

Advertising contact: Ethan Sklar: 720-583-9984 Dominik Schatz: 720-583-6674 Email: CSU.Rooster@gmail.com

All contents of Rooster Magazine including logo are copyright 2011. Rooster does not assume responsibility for any unsolicited manuscripts, artwork or photographs. The opinions and experiences of the authors are strictly their own and not those of Rooster. Rooster does not advocate the use of drugs, legal or otherwise, nor is it responsible for the actions of its readers.

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LETTERS to the

EDITOR ROOSTER April 2012

Rooster LETTERS Rooster,

Direction of your rag,

I enjoy the Rooster quite a bit, even though there are sometimes suspect articles and figures used. However, I am pretty annoyed by the 6 reasons to keep pot illegal. Everything stated in this is so wrong it literally made me upset, now I gotta take a bong rip to calm down. But really? At least have some actual facts about it in the article about the relationship it takes with the government. Maybe about it being beneficial to the economy, or perhaps how there is no evidence of it being detrimental to ones health. Just saying make it a two-sided argument in which the pros and cons are not written by someone who has the 6th grade mentality of what “drugs” are. Really slow drivers? Cancer shouldn’t be fun? I just shake my head, disappointed. Am I trolling myself and this is supposed to be like an article from The Onion, complete satire?

I hope that the Rooster does not turn into a pot mag. I enjoy your college style humor and stories, but after this April’s magazine, which I know was an April 20th homage, I would expect Rooster to go back to a college magazine. I’m a red card holder and strongly believe in the use of THC as a medical treatment. The glorification of weed is not helping educate the youth about the uses and reasons we have marijuana as a medical option. Rooster, please stay true. —Avid Reader and Smoker

—Connor

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MAY EVENTS Because we care. The DaVinci Machines Exhibition

Denver Chalk Art Festival

Colorado Renaissance Festival

You just know if Leonardo DaVinci were alive today he would make the World’s Most Interesting Man look like Mitt Romney. This special DaVinci Machines Exhibition is on loan from the Museum of Leonardo DaVinci in Florence. The exhibit contains over 60 handcrafted inventions built by three generations of Florentine artisans who were determined to bring DaVinci’s most creative and innovative inventions to life.

The Chalk Art Festival is exactly what it sounds like: a chalk art party. About 100 different people will gather and sit on the sidewalk while they color specific squares of concrete. The festival will have a couple of madonnari: professionals of chalk art. Who knew? Maybe if you’re lucky you will get to see some of those trippy 3D paintings that make it look like the sidewalk is folding into itself.

Very few times in your life do you have the excuse to dress up like a fairy, pirate, king, or beggar and not get beat up. The Renaissance Fair is your chance to experience the world of yore, or something like that. It’s mostly an excuse to buy really cool weapons and eat way too much meat and drink way too much beer. Free beer weekend is June 16 and 17. We still think you look like a sissy in that outfit.

One World, One Sky

Bob Saget

14th Annual Downtown Denver Arts Festival

When: May 1-31 Where: Denver Pavilions Cost: $14 general admission, $11 students

When: Every day (check for times) Where: Denver Museum of Nature and Science Cost: $12 general admission, $5 for the event

Come enjoy a cross-cultural adventure with Big Bird and Elmo as your guides. Make new friends with Hu Hu Zhu, another puppet from China. Discover how different the moon is from Earth, as you travel from Sesame Street to the moon in a brilliant spectacle of light and color. Enjoy a chance to see how people all over the world are connected, through talking TV characters. 8

When: June 2-3 Where: 1430 Larimer Square Cost: Free

When: June 8 and 9 Where: Comedy Works South, Landmark Cost: $38

Bob Saget is one of those guys who you had no idea was vulgar until you saw him outside of Full House. His stand-up is apparently very vulgar, but not terribly funny—according to his recent Roast on Comedy Central. Other than two of the most family friendly TV shows of all time, he considers himself a “comedian.” He also supposedly played a cocaine addict in Half Baked. If that’s not funny, it might not actually be Bob Saget.

To have an event listed, email CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

When: Every weekend from June 9 till July 28 Where: Larkspur, Colo. Cost: $18.95

When: May 25-28, 10 a.m. Where: Denver Pavilions Cost: Free

Unfortunately, we all can’t be like Steve Wynn and accidentally jam our hand through a $60 million Picasso while showing it off, which is why we will be buying our artwork at The Downtown Denver Arts Festival. The fine art exhibition features Colorado’s finest visual artists with over 160,000 people expected to attend. Buy something for the girlfriend, yourself or just enjoy browsing all the great artwork on display.

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Rooster events

Larimer County Farmer’s Market Where: Larimer County Court House, Mountain and Oak When: Every Sunday from 8 a.m. to noon, May 19 until October 27 Cost: Free How quaint: a local farmer’s market in Old Town. Farmer’s markets are those strange things that are a combination of hippie-induced naturalness and wild-west, do-it-yourself ideals. This is one of the oldest farmer’s markets in Colorado. You can get some pretty sweet stuff here as well, such as local honey, wine, pastries and even meat. The goal behind a farmer’s market is to get you some good local grub, keep a bunch of money in Fort Collins, and help out some local farmers. It’s the food equivalent of buying smokes from that shifty next-door neighbor in that sinking apartment complex. Except at the market, chances are the folks you buy from are old-school Americans, born and bred during the Greatest Generation. They will also be very willing to offer you samples, then separate you from your hard-earned cash in exchange for some bread, watermelon, plants, or whatever floats your boat. One of them is selling emu oil—what the hell is that anyway?

Taste of Fort Collins Where: Civic Center Park, Old Town When: June 9-10 Cost: $5 before 3 p.m. and $10 after 3 p.m. ($15 for both days) The Taste of Fort Collins is a northern Colorado tradition, those who can remember it might say. It is a festival showcasing local musicians, hearty food and delicious drinks. There will be many restaurants cookin’ up food for the masses, with vendors such as Hibachi, Mad Greens, Famous Dave’s BBQ and Jax Fish House. There will also be a splendid array of alcohol as well. Coors and Odell will be serving out suds all weekend long, and there will also be a Craft Beer pavilion, where you can celebrate many of Colorado’s microbrews. There is also a home-brew competition, be careful, because you may get more buzz than you had planned on. Beer not your thing? Don’t worry, there will be a water-station or two. Water not your thing? Don’t worry, we already went over how many different kind of beers will be there. Local jams like Air Dubai, The Epilogues and Nu Classic will be there to help you keep your mind off of what that kid just stuffed in his mouth. There will also be some national talent, to be announced soon. 10

Rooster RESTAURANT Vitals Location: 122 West Laurel St. Hours: Deli Mon-Sat 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. Bar Mon-Sat 10 a.m. - midnight Phone 970-484-0235

The Finer Things

B & B Pickle Barrel Deli Doing deli the way deli is supposed to be done. The Pickle Barrel Deli is one of Fort Collins’ classic restaurants. If you haven’t eaten there, chances are you know someone who has. On Laurel Street, positioned next to the infamous Pizza Casbah and down the street from Chipotle, B&B’s Pickle Barrel has some heavy competition. We’re proud to say that since its establishment in 1988, the restaurant has put up a great fight against its competitors and has established a healthy notoriety in town. On our visit, we ordered three of their deli fresh sandwiches: The Reuben, The Charlotte’s Shenandoah Shuffle (ham and turkey) and the Funky Punky (grilled turkey and avocado) as well as a pint of their root beer on tap. We started with the Reuben on Rye; the rye was thick and hearty and despite the luscious juiciness of the corned beef and Russian dressing, the bread stayed firm. We loved that every bite was full of dressing and juice from the corned beef. Each bite was just as succulent as the last—but we’ll ask for slightly less sauerkraut next time, as it had a tendency to slightly overpower the taste of the meat. The Shenandoah Shuffle was a honey

ham and turkey sandwich, topped with Russian dressing, coleslaw and Swiss cheese, all on a fresh roll. The sandwich was cold, but was still soft on the inside with a nice crust on the outside of the roll. The meat was almost flawless, sliced razor thin at the deli, and the roll absorbed most of the Russian

The rest of the toppings merged flavors, leaving behind a mouth-melting combination of sweet, salty and savory. dressing and cole slaw. The meats were astounding and could have stood on their own even without the toppings. Our favorite was the Funky Punky, which was a delightful interpretation of a turkey club. Though it lacked bacon, it was full of other sandwich dressings such as provolone, tomatoes, avocados, mayo and salsa. It was the most consistent sandwich, remaining at

full flavor for the duration of the meal. Just like the other sandwiches, the meat was incredible and stuffed the wheat roll better than a redneck could stuff his sister. The rest of the toppings merged flavors, leaving behind a mouth-melting combination of sweet, salty and savory. We finished this one fast, despite the fact that our stomachs were straining at our waistbands already, we craved another. All the sandwiches were accompanied by their root beer on tap (and of course, their amazing pickles). Normally we wouldn’t mention a non-alcoholic beverage, but this is an exception. The root beer came in a pint jar, lacking foam and brimming with taste. It had a rich flavor but had all the thickness of a dark stout. This is a must-have drink if you aren’t drinking from the bar. Final thoughts: B&B’s Pickle Barrel Deli does deli properly, with decadent meats, breads and cheeses. They could possibly tweak how much toppings (‘slaw, Russian dressing, etc) they put on their sandwiches, but you can always ask for it your way. All in all, astounding food and root beer. 11

Rooster MUSIC

Upcoming Shows

ROOSTER PRESENTS

Because you need your music fix. Curren$y

Trampled by Turtles

Date: May 17 Find it: Bluebird Price: $20.50

Date: May 17 Find it: Boulder Theater Price: $25

Lupe Fiasco Date: May 17 Find it: City Hall Price: $40

Photo: Brian Moghadam

Photo: Pieter Van Hatten

Curren$y proved his flow was smoother than bud butter when he was featured on Weezy’s Dedication I & II. He seemed headed for mainstream success before he decided to drop from his label and go it alone. About a hundred mixtapes and albums later, and Curren$y has reinvented himself, becoming the best weed rapper in the galaxy.

Let’s be honest: Trampled by Turtles is a horrible band name. Who cares, though? These guys are basically the Dragonforce of bluegrass. Or maybe they aren’t, but we can guarantee you’ll wish there were a game called Fiddle Hero for XBOX after seeing them. Fill those water bottles up with moonshine and see what The Country Bears would look like on amphetamines.

Alright, alright, so Lasers was not Fiasco’s best album. Maybe it was the curse of the Modest Mouse sample. But is it so hard to forgive the man who kick-pushed his way into your heart not so long ago? Maybe you’re not too big on the “conscious hiphop,” but for Christ’s sake, the man wrote a rap song from the perspective of a cheeseburger. And it ruled.

Break Science

Jane’s Addiction

Date: May 25 Find it: Hodi’s Half Note Price: $12

Date: May 29 Find it: Fillmore Auditorium Price: $45+

Santigold

Break Science is the by-product of organic production and diverse music influences streaming from the great minds of producers and touring veterans Adam Deitch and Borahm Lee. Their music touches every end of the electronic spectrum filtered through a musician’s lens. To see the duo perform at such an intimate venue as Hodi’s is nothing less than a privilege.

Beaten and broken down, many questioned whether Jane’s addiction might get back up, dust themselves off and do it again. They did. And their live show is receiving rave reviews being a seamless and cohesive performance like the good days of old. The tickets are pricey but that shouldn’t stop you from seeing Perry Farrell and Dave Navarro dominate the stage

Photo: Sean Thomas

Date: May 29 Find it: Ogden Theatre Price: $26.50

Santigold was separated at birth from M.I.A. From the smooth blending of reggae fusion and new world, to the beef-sparking outspokenness and Diplo ties, these two would be hard to tell apart in the dark. Of course, if for some reason you find yourself in the dark with these lovely ladies, you win. Point is, Santigold is fly as hell and an absolute must-see in concert.

Bon Iver w/ Feist Date: May 31 Find it: Red Rocks Ampitheatre Price: $39.75

Sweatshop Union

The Dandy Warhols

Date: June 7 Find it: The Aggie Theater Price: $10

Date: June 12 Find it: Gothic Theater Price: $26 - $32

Take a pinch of Cunninlynguists sharp rap lyrics and precision beats, mix in a slice of Flobots nod to anti-establishment verses and you have yourself Vancouver’s finest, Sweatshop Union. Focusing on everything the other guys aren’t doing, Sweatshop insists on doing it their own way. And their way seems to be working.

This American alternative –rock band has been around for almost twenty years and still maintains the garage rock sound that catapulted them to their success. Fresh off a newly released album, The Dandy Warhols display their ear for an eclectic sound with polished instrumentals and overlaid electronic. They bring their new music to the Gothic Theater June 12.

Photo: D.L. Anderson

Bon Iver gets a bad rep sometimes, like he’s Kenny G or something. Let’s get one thing straight: dude tours with as many drummers as Slipknot. And did you somehow forget about how he smokes weed with Rick Ross? His falsetto is somehow better live than on his records. And we’re guessing he’ll be aiming to make up for that awful Grammy acceptance speech.

2012

MAY/JUNE

SUN

MAY 20

MON

TUE

14 15 Mugnight Presents “The Funk Jam” 10:00 PM

WED 16

Open Comedy 7:00 PM

8:00 PM 23

Open Comedy 7:00 PM 3

4 He’s Brother, She’s My sister 8:00 PM

RapidFire and Norco Metal Coalition Presents: Metal Blade Recording Artist: Allegaeon “Formshifter” CD Release Party

The CID Initiative Presents “Ladykillas Dirty Thirty Throwdown” with Zeno, Breadman, Dalco and Lucid Vision

8:00 PM

26 RapidFire Presents:

31 3 Juno What?! w/ The Brian Jordan Band

Snarky Puppy with The Nu Classics 8:00 PM

JUNE

(members of Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe and The Nu Classics)

8:00 PM 5

Mugnight Presents “The Funk Jam” 10:00 PM

Synth Reaction

Shack Shakers

8:00 PM

Open Comedy 7:00 PM 11 12 Mugnight Presents “The Funk Jam” 10:00 PM Open Comedy 7:00 PM

SAT

Lovetet with Some- Euphonic Conceptions Five Day Rhetoric Featuring: Pretty Noise (Opener) thing Juicey and Presents Break Science Nautical Mile Synthetic Mocono Elements (Denver8:00 PM Direct Support) 8:00 PM 8:00 PM

Orgone 8:00 PM 28 Mugnight Presents “The Funk Jam” 10:00 PM

FRI 18

Synthetic Reaction Deep Space with Roughhausen, Cyclic Vendetta, WireTrap and Faded Freakshow

21 22 Mugnight Presents “The Funk Jam” 11:30 PM

THURS

Pete Kartsounes Band 8:00 PM

“2 Blocks Away Featuring Yung Markz, Halden Wofford and Nacko, Zic Martin, & the Hi*Beams Lyrikz) 8:00 PM 8:00 PM

RealifeActual 8:00 PM

15 The Burned and Carbon Choir 8:00 PM

167 N College Ave Fort Collins, CO 80524 Phone: (970) 472-2034

Rooster MUSIC

Interview: The Lumineers Cotton candy chemistry for your ears. Listening to The Lumineers feels like the realization that, after all these years, you have fallen madly in love with your best friend. Each song begs to be put on a mixtape, but you wouldn’t want to separate it from its brother and sister songs. Wesley Schultz’s voice and lyrics are consistently front and center in each song of the Denver band’s self-titled debut. It’s hard to find a problem with this, given that his voice is so charming and his performance on the record is reminiscent of Ryan Adams’ fantastic Heartbreaker. The rest of the band (Jeremiah Fraites and Neyla Pekarek) can seem miles away at times, but never out of sync. They are just as likely to be delivering simple claps and stomps at any moment as playing the hell out of the drums or mandolin, something they are certainly up to. And when they finally meet up, their voices blend cotton-candy sweet. Their chemistry is evident, which is shocking considering they were partially formed through Craigslist. Maybe it’s because each member of the band can sure wear the shit out of a cool hat. There’s an infectious exuberance, akin to Mumford and Sons or Edward Sharpe. The key difference is that while those bands aspire to perform the parade themselves, the Lumineers leave that up to the listener. Each song could easily turn into a barn burner or hootenanny, but it doesn’t. One of the knocks against the alt-country

Neyla’s Playlist:

stylings that The Lumineers maneuver within is that there is something inauthentic about the subject matter, that it’s anachronistic or that they sing about an idealized place that either never existed, that the band never lived in. (This opposed to popular country, which is more supposedly reflexive of here and now.) The same kind of criticism has been leveled at Lana del Rey. We don’t care much for this argument, because we think longing to be in a different place and time is what art is really all about.

Interview with Neyla Favorite alcoholic beverage? The Jude Law. That’s when you order two long island ice teas at the same time. Do you have an alter ego? It would be Georgia Witby. She’s a dental hygienist aspiring to be an architect. And sometimes she’s Australian. Favorite outlaw? Rattlesnake Kate. She clobbered 140 snakes in 2 hours, and then made a dress from their skin. Favorite way to pass time on the road? I just got an iPad. Which is actually kind of bad because I read a lot on the road, but now I just play stupid games on it. I named her Geena Davis. She’s very smart and very organized.

Favorite movie soundtrack? Jurassic Park. I’ve been practicing that on my cello lately. Dream collaboration? Jack White. Favorite restaurant? Duo Restaurant in Denver. Why the minimalist approach? Mainly, I think Wesley is a very good lyricist and it’s easy for that to get lost when you have so many elements going on. Often, you’re asking people to do less that they’re capable of in playing these minimalist parts, but yeah, we do try for that minimalist approach. Your first LP is out. What now? This summer looks like a lot of touring, a lot of festivals (Hangout Music Festival, Wakarusa, etc.). We’re writing a little bit too. You know, everybody talks about that sophomore slump and we don’t want to fall into that. Even at sound check we’ve been working through new songs. Do you think live music is more important these days? People don’t buy albums like they used to. I would rather somebody hear the album for free if that means they’re going to come to a live show. There’s something to be said about paying for music, but the live show is definitely where it’s at.

1. Y La Bamba, “Ponce Pilato” 2. Heartless Bastards, “Marathon” 3. The Outfit, “Soft Sided” 4. Guns N’ Roses, anything 5. M. Ward, anything

Rooster MUSIC

MUSIC NEWS

MUSIC CHARTS Beatport Top 10

All the news that’s fit to print.

R. Kelly releases the third installment of his epic music video “Trapped in the Closet.” So, he wants us to make fun of him?

2GETHER and O-Town battle it out for opening slots.

Snoop Dogg releases Rolling Words, smoking papers with his lyrics on them. Now your joint can remind you that It aint no fun if the homies cant have none.

NHL announces Nickelback will play NHL Awards 2012. Just how many sporting events do they have to ruin?

Billboard Hot 100

1. Atom Nari & Milani

2. Language Porter Robinson

2. We Are Young fun. ft. Janelle Mona

Metropolis

We Own the Night

Somebody That I Used To Know Gotye ft. Kimbra

David Guetta, Nicky Romero

98 Degrees announces plans for a summer tour.

MAY 2012

ft. Luciana

Tiesto, Wolfgang Gartnerl

The Wanted Glad You Came

4. What Makes You Beautiful One Direction

5. Molly Cedric Gervais

5. Boyfriend Justin Bieber

Wild Ones Flo Rida ft. Sia

Starships Nicki Minaj

Somebody That I Used To

Know

Tiesto, Gotye, Kimbra

7. Show Me Love 2K12 Sean Finn, Crazibiza

Alright

Mark Knight

8. Call Me Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen

9. Sing2Me Thomas Gold

9. Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) Kelly Clarkson

10.

10. Part Of Me Katy Perry

Frisky Maceo Plex

Source: Source: www.ReverbNation.com www.hypem.com

Source: www.billboard.com Source: www.billboard.com

Win Sh*t Two tickets to Break Science Kind Creations Bubbler

Janet Jackson Nipplegate scandal goes to the Supreme Court In a surprise liberal move, Supreme Court rules not enough nipple to be deemed offensive.

Ke$ha invites Flaming Lips’ frontman Wayne Coyne over to record a track. Not surprisingly, the song is about doing acid while the world ends.

$50 Tony’s gift card $50 Washington’s gift card Two tickets to CURREN$EY (not iMac Rooster) Two tickets to Global Dub The TENTH person to find Each of the above RoosterS in this issue will WIN THE CORRESPONDING Prize. Emails should be sent to winshit.ROOSTER@gmail.com by SHOW DATE correctly telling us where the RoosterS ARE located. Idiot, the above roosterS ARE not the correct roosterS.

Like us on Facebook for a chance to win more sh*t.

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EIGHT THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE AFTER YOU GRADUATE

It’s a grab bag of sh*tty choices after college, so you might as well be prepared.

1 Attend graduate school

Grad school can mean a lot of different things: at CSU, there are master’s degrees in science and criminal justice (think CSI: Miami, except nobody’s good looking), or a master’s in meat science, where you’ll learn to make consumer-attractive animal products and earn your Pink Slime Forever certificate. Combine any graduate degree with a stint in the Peace Corps, and you’ll wind up with a so-called master’s international. The crapshoot here is that you don’t know where you’ll end up: you might spend two years climbing around the Himalayas, or you might be responsible for a group of blingobsessed Inuit teenagers living off of oil-spill damage money. Either way, you’re developing your internationality or whatever.

2 Build your

online presence

If future employers and clients want to verify your credentials, all they have to go on right now is a bunch of party pictures on your Facebook page and some random tweets about your sexual prowess. Unfortunately, “outstanding keg stand participation” is not a category your future boss cares about. First, adjust your privacy settings on the social network sites you frequent. Second, build a more professional portfolio of accomplishments by contributing, creating and moderating content on sites more related to your chosen field. Learning to market yourself is the best chance you have to eventually land a soul-sucking cubicle gig. Plus, at the very least, you’ll get great at blogging and develop a respected Internet avatar, which you can then use to comment about how your real dreams have passed you by.

3 Attend Seminars

Though most seminars are self-help related, not all of them are based on blowing sunshine up your ass. While there’s nothing wrong with feeling better about yourself, there are also more practical options on the table. You can learn how to manage people, invest your money wisely, invent new products or take advantage of obscure government programs, just to name a few. Better yet, strike out on your own and be an inspiration to others by offering your own seminar. Of course, it’s hard to say who might actually be interested in a two-day exploration of your successes as a minimumwage employee at the nation’s largest pet-products retail chain.

4 Do Something Extraordinary

Inside all of us is a sense of adventure and the desire for exciting enterprises. Take that road trip you never followed through on—then never come back. Date a celebrity or tryout for a professional sports team. Be bold. So what if you end up halfway across the globe in a viral execution video? Not only have you lived and traveled far enough to witness child soldiers at play, you now have the perfect excuse for telling your friends they’ll have to find someone else to drive the suped-up Iguana Winnebago to Burning Man this summer.

5 Set Personal Growth Goals

Let physical conditioning and intellectual expansion fill up your down time in place of informal beer-focused get-togethers and poorly planned getaways to Vegas. Your goal after college is no longer to balance your social life with school, but to instead transition into a life as a professional, where work is your regular outing and everything else is a treasured, hard-earned moment. If this isn’t what you’re looking for, then re-evaluate your efforts of the past four years. Going to school may have been a way of making friends, but your success and happiness with the experience is ultimately about the independence it’s given you. If you’re afraid of going solo as you bend the world to your will, now is a good time to get to the bottom of that anxiety. Remember: it’s all about you. That guy you did ice-luge shots with probably won’t be a good source of professional support.

6 Join a Cult

After graduation, it can be difficult finding your place in the world. There’s nothing like joining up with a group of strangers all adhering to a weird set of niche beliefs to make you feel like you belong. Just be sure to pick a group whose ultimate plan goes beyond drinking a bunch of lethal Kool-Aid. And who knows? Maybe you’ll luck out and join one that’s actually going somewhere; after all, every big movement started out small. Just think: the Mormons were once persecuted, misunderstood and made fun of. Now they’re persecuted, misunderstood and made fun of, but they have a really slimy rich guy running for president. Don’t limit yourself to only following a cult, either; leadership is always a great option.

7 Lose or Gain Weight

Trimming down or bulking up can be a great way to come into your own. If your bone structure is showing through your clothing, it’s probably time to throw that box of ephedrine in the trash and start in on a regular diet of paté, pasta and short ribs. On the flip side, if over the last four years you developed a gut physically proportionate to a 30-rack of Keystone Ice, you probably want to fish that box of ephedrine out of the trash and start running laps at the local gym. But don’t let your physical appearance be the only determinant of your future; looks aren’t everything—they’re just most things. Even though it won’t tell you as much, the world is always judging. Unfortunately, you can’t judge back if you look like a heroin addict or you need help rolling out of bed in the morning.

8 Move Back Home With Your Parents

It’s a terrible thought for some, but a little parental oversight could be your postgraduation answer. If they’re suspiciously more than willing to let you live rentfree while you pay back loans or find a better paying job, don’t freak out: they just want to spend some quality time with you. A year or two of being teased by friends now is worth five years of making fun of them later because they’re broke. Act now. Don’t wait until everyone you know has a mortgage and kids before asking them to help you move your futon into your parents’ basement. But don’t just do it to save money. If you and your parents never saw eye-to-eye on anything before, don’t press your luck. Squeezing a halo over your horns won’t change the family dynamic. If things were bad at home before, moving back in could be a cult suicide. Might as well put on your sneakers and start stirring in the cyanide.

CL ASSMATE

SAMANTHA

CHAMBERLIN Major: Human Development and Communications Studies Hometown: Colorado Springs Favorite food: Sushi, yum. Favorite drink: Whiskey. Non-alcoholic: Green tea with Lemonade. Favorite music: I love John Butler Trio and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 23

INTERVIEW

hat are your plans for the summer? Traveling, working, and going to as many shows at Red Rocks as I can.

What was the last book you read for fun? A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. Worst fashion trend: Denim overalls... not a good look!

What qualities do you like in a guy? I love a guy who has quiet confidence and doesn’t try to be the center of attention. Also, a guy who is mature and does things like ski, play sports, go to hockey andbaseball games—not just party—is my type of guy!

Biggest turn off in a guy: I can’t stand a guy who loves to talk about himself. If he were a real catch, he wouldn’t have to create a facade to impress me.

What’s your idea of a perfect date? If

Worst date experience: I was out with a

my guy picked me up and said, “we’re going

guy one night and he was extra concerned

skydiving,” that would be a spontaneous and

with whether or not other girls were noticing

perfect date.

him... get out of here with that ego, so lame!

What’s your biggest pet peeve? There is

One thing you can’t live without:

nothing that bothers me more than a person

Coffee.

who will not hold themselves accountable for their own actions.

What’s one thing you want to do before you die? I would love to live in another country

Dream job: I would love to have Erin An-

and learn to speak the native language, and

drews’ job when she worked for the Tampa

experience life with a different perspective!

Bay Lightning.

Who is your favorite author? Kathryn Worst pickup line used on you? “Hey, so

Stockett.

are you from around here?”Come on, give it a little effort, guy!

What’s your worst drunken mistake? I started a fight one night, it was so classless. Oops.

Celebrity crush: Henrik Lundqvist of the NY Rangers is so damn handsome

Guilty pleasure: Reality television... I just can not help it!

DEAR IBBY Tantric sex, lesbian porn, prostate stimulation and WTF. can bear it anymore. Then you can keep banging (softly). There are a few positions that facilitate this interaction, namely where the guy sits with the girl on top facing him. That one allows you to make eye contact, see the visible signs of pleasure in each other’s faces, feel each other’s breath, and makes it easier to maintain the soft, slow fucking that you want. If you absolutely have to come, and you can’t take it anymore, then you lose. Do not pass Go and do not collect $200. Dear Ibby, I love watching lesbian porn way more than heterosexual porn, but I’m a straight girl. Does that mean I could be gay?

Dear Ibby, I want to try tantric sex. What is it and how do I get it on? You naughty boy/girl/it! Actually, not really— tantric sex is all about intimacy and getting all hot about the slow, soft touch of your partner. Basically, no coming. Tantric sex is training yourself and your partner to linger in that ecstatic state just before an orgasm happens. That state can be extended for an indefinite period of time if you can learn to control the release of your pleasure—and it’s supposedly in this state that couples reach the highest level of intimacy and bliss. Now, let’s get into how to do it. First, start things off under the pretense that neither of you are expecting to come. That being said, this is probably going to be really hard if you are trying this on the Snooki-esque creature you picked up at the bar for a one-night stand. So try it with someone you actually care about. Second, make your environment sexy as shit. Light candles, make sure the room temp is perfect and turn off your phones. Third, take it super slow and make it sensual. Breathing deeply and looking into each other’s eyes heightens feelings of intimacy and creates a whole new kind of eroticism you may have never felt before. Lightly caressing each other, kissing deeply and moving incredibly slowly toward intercourse that will also be gentle and slow will move you toward the brink of orgasm. But wait! If you think you might come, then don’t! Pull out or hop off and resume the above activities until neither of you 26

No. A lot of lesbian porn is appealing to women because there is more sensuality to it. Literally 12 minutes will go by with just passionate kissing and stroking until anything happens, and it’s somehow always implied that the girls in the video know each other. That’s comforting and arousing for many women. Also, think about it— girls are doing to other girls what feels best for girls, because they’re girls and they know. Get it? It’s nearly impossible for a man to understand what it’s like to have their vagina touched, and it’s even harder for them to guess whether whatever they’re doing to chicks feels good or not. But, girls know exactly what it’s like to be stimulated down there and they know what feels good. So, it’s super satisfying as a girl to watch other women get pleasured in a way they know feels awesome; in heterosexual porn, it’s pretty obvious that getting face fucked by huge cocks probably isn’t that cool. Dear Ibby, I know this sounds weird, but I really want to try prostate stimulation. How do I basically ask a girl to stick her hand in my butt without freaking her out? There’s no way to go about that delicately. You’re asking her to poke around where poop comes out—and where there might still be some poop. Not a lot of girls want to fondle your rectum, but the good news is, some do. Most girls are probably willing to try anything that makes you feel amazing sexually, because it boosts their self confidence knowing they have the ability to get you off. So, it’s a matter of finding the right girl for the job—someone who won’t judge you or run shrieking out of the room when you ask about it. Once you’ve fulfilled whatever fantasy she’s into, get all intimate with her by saying something like, “I’ve never told anyone this, and I want to try it with you because I trust you, but I think I’d like to try prostate stimulation.” Connecting with her emotionally will make her feel safer and

special. If it freaks her out at all, let her know how “freaked out” you were when you had to carry out her weirdo sexual fantasy, but you got over it and did it because you care about her and blah blah blah. Once you’ve convinced her she is the only girl in the entire world who you would ever want to touch your prostate, make it easy for her by letting her stop if she starts giggling or puking. And act like you like it—moan a little louder and sexier than you normally would, or touch her to let her know you like it. Dear Ibby, I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me. All my friends on Facebook are getting pregnant, so should I? WTF. Dear Ibby, I was stripping at amateur night and my professor was in the audience. It’s been weird between us ever since. Should I expect an “A” or should I tell him to stop flirting with me? Why would you want him to stop flirting with you; are you insane? Getting an “A” from your sexually deprived professor for doing something you were already going to do anyway (stripping), is like a gift from God. You cannot fuck this up. I’m guessing if you are stripping at amateur night often, you don’t have much time to study and get a legitimate grade the honest way. And, you sound like you are not exactly put off or freaked out by his flirting with you. If you were, this would be an entirely different question and conversation. So, you were already stripping on your own free will and he happened to walk in. You have all the power in this situation. How you react will determine what he does. He can’t use your stripping against you because you were already doing it… at amateur night! You wanted to be seen, and you obviously have enough confidence to not care what people think about that. It’s obviously awkward because now he has to think of you in a sexual light, being that he has seen your boobs and all, and he probably knows it’s wrong. And it’s weird for you because you think this whole situation will affect your grade. At the same time, don’t “expect” an A. He didn’t mean to see you stripping and you can’t hold him accountable for changing your grade if you have been doing poorly in his class. He may be a moral man with two children and standards to uphold. Plus, you might not even be that good at stripping.

Send your question to Ibby at DearIbby.Rooster@gmail.com.

Blind Date: The Yeti Lorene

Round

Our first dater is a beautiful young lady from Colorado Springs. When she’s not pursuing a degree in Apparel Merchandising, Lorene enjoys rock climbing, rock music, yoga and, of course, watching cheesy reality TV shows. Her ideal guy must be genuine, understand sarcasm and like adventure. He has to be driven and know what he wants, but still be able to chill and take it easy from time to time.

Our second dater comes to us from St. Louis. He’s currently studying business at CSU with a concentration in corporate finance and real estate. And while the majors seem square, Colin is anything but. In his free time, Colin hangs out with friends, digs beats and balls hard. His ideal date must be a conversationalist who takes care of her body, enjoys the outdoors and doesn’t mind if he goes out with the boys.

What were you thinking coming into this? L: I was nervous. I’ve never been on a blind date before. But I was excited.

What were you thinking coming into this? C: “What’s going to happen? What is she going to be like?” I was definitely a little nervous.

When was your last relationship? L: September.

When was your last relationship? C: Official girlfriend, not since high school.

What are your first impressions? L: He’s a great guy. He’s good-looking. He has nice hair.

What are your first impressions? C: Nice girl. Definitely pretty. Has a great head on her shoulders.

Did you tell anyone you were going on a blind date? L: I told all of my friends and my brother.

Did you tell anyone you were going on a blind date? C: A few friends right before I came.

What advice did they give you? L: My brother told me to call him if I needed a ride or a way out. My friends said they’d come out later.

What advice did they give you? C: Try to sound like as a big of a douche bag as possible.

What do you think they’d say about the dater? L: They’d think he was a gentleman. What do you look for in a partner? L: Someone who’s really genuine and adventurous. I’m really big into the outdoors. 28

Colin

What do you think they’d say about the dater? C: She’s not bad. What do you look for in a partner? C: Has to be smart, well-educated, not too uptight. Takes good care of her body.

Rooster BLIND DATE What was the first thing you noticed about your date? L: His eyes. He has a nice smile. What were you worried about most coming on this date? L: I was worried about the conversation getting awkward. Do you have any rules when going on a date? L: I really have traditional values. A guy should open the door for you and be a gentleman. Do you have a plan if the date goes bad? L: My friends are coming here at nine. We usually go to the Yeti on Thursday, so we are going to do that. Where do you see the night going? L: I’ll definitely stay to hang out with my friends and if Collin wants to hang out, that’s fine.

Does she meet any of these qualities? C: I would definitely say yes. What was the first thing you noticed about your date? C: Her eyes. If you weren’t on this date, what would you being doing tonight? C: Finishing up a final presentation that’s due tomorrow. What were you worried about most coming on this date? C: I hope I don’t sound like a fool. And that I hope my hair looks alright. What are you looking for tonight out of this date? C: Free drinks, great meal and an experience I’ll never forget. Do you have any rules when going on a date? C: Don’t get caught if you’re with someone else. Where do you see the night going? C: A few more casual drinks into hopefully a good weekend. What odds do you give this happening? C: Potential. Five out of ten.

Round

What did you order? L: Steak and Brie. It was really good. What’s been the best part about the date so far? L: Definitely getting to know Collin. He’s really outgoing. What do you have in common? L: We both love to travel and we like the outdoors. We both have three siblings. Have your first impressions changed? L: He’s a lot more adventurous than I thought. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned about your date? L: We were both in Vegas at the same time and had no idea. How does your date compare to other people you’ve dated? L: He’s really put together. They’ve been losers. What would your mom/dad say about this person? L: They would like how driven and accomplished he is. Is there anything that surprised you? L: I was surprised how easy he was to talk to. How much we had in common. Do you see this going towards a second date? L: It’s up to him. If he asked me on a second date, I’d go. 30

What did you order? C: Oyster Po Boy. It’s not bad. What’s been the best part about the date so far? C: Free drinks. What do you have in common? C: She loves to be outdoors. We each have three siblings. She enjoys a good time in Vegas. Have your first impressions changed? C: Yes. She does a lot more than I expected. How does your date compare to other people you’ve dated? C: She’s more reserved. What would your mom/dad say about this person? C: “You’re doing well, son.” Is there anything that surprised you? C: She’s traveled internationally. Do you see this going towards a second date? C: No. But I could casually have a good time.

Rooster BLIND DATE

What did you do after you left the restaurant? C: Stopped by a friend’s house for a birthday drink, or a few, then pulled an all-nighter to finish a final presentation. How would you rate yourself as a dater? C: On a scale of 1 to champion, I’d say about awesome.

Round

What did you do after you left the restaurant? L: My friends came to save me and then we walked over to the Drunken Monkey. How would you rate yourself as a dater? L: Expert. Do you think Rooster did a good job picking a match for you? L: They tried... Where did you connect with your date? L: We both expressed our interest to travel and we both love the outdoors. Where didn’t you connect with your date? L: He was a tad vanilla. He looked great, but we didn’t have a lot of interesting conversation. Would you go on another date with this person? L: Not in the near future, I’m not looking for anything serious.

Do you think Rooster did a good job picking a match for you? C: I think my date was a great person but at the end of the day she was not my style. Where did you connect with your date? C: We were both pretty easy going and weren’t’ too worried about the night. Both of us have similar families and love to get outdoors whenever possible. Where didn’t you connect with your date? C: It wasn’t really that we did not connect but I knew that she was just too good of a girl for me. As the night progressed I could tell that she doesn’t handle her alcohol as well as some, which is a game changer on the weekends. What was the best part of the night? C: Free food and pre-gaming at Yetti before I went to my friend’s birthday. Would you go on another date with this person? C: Most definitely if I didn’t have to pay for anything.

Conclusion From the beginning, the daters didn’t seem to click. Luckily, the Yeti supplied the giant beers and tequila shots that made it possible for both daters to endure a night of dinner and drinks together. It wasn’t an epic failure, but it wasn’t pretty. We’re gearing up for our next date—and we promise results.

Have a single friend who needs a date? Submit them for Rooster’s blind date. Free dinner, drinks and company. Send a photo, description and the type of person they are looking for to CSU.Rooster@gmail. com. Romance is in the air, people—we can feel it in our bones. 31

The Good: The Gorge is consistently ranked one of the best, most breathtaking outdoor amphitheaters in the world, and seeing a show there is an unparalleled experience. The main stage sits on the Columbia River, and you don’t doubt the headliners when they say it’s an honor to play there. The line-up always boasts the best indie-rock names of the day, and the festival isn’t over packed, so you can actually see all the artists.

The Bad:

Sasquatch!

Narcs are numerous and on the hunt. Camping is on-site but still a half hour walk away. The stages are set apart by different hills, and while good for sound, can get exhausting to traverse over and over.

The Unique: When: May 25-28

Where:

The Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Wash.

Price:

Sold out, but you can Craigslist tickets for $300-400

Driving time: 19 hours

Although it’s a pretty big festival, Sasquatch! retains a Northwestern feel by showcasing lots of up-and-coming and established Portland and Seattle bands. Canadians also come out in droves, and it can get interesting partying with our wacky Northern neighbors.

If the festival were a celebrity: Johnny Depp. It’s cool but understated, bad-ass with just a touch of hipster.

Who we’re excited for: Jack White, Beck, Tenacious D, The Shins, Bon Iver

The Good: Remember when you went to summer camp as a kid and you were free to run around and indulge in whatever activities you liked? Well imagine that for adults, in the form of a jam-band festival. Headlined by moe. and Umphrey’s McGee, attendees of the fest have said it’s like returning home every year. It’s a close-knit community that talks about Summer Camp on Phantasy Tour all year long.

The Bad:

Summer Camp When: May 25-27

Where:

Chillicothe, Ill.

Price:

$215 for a 3-day pass, includes camping

Driving time:

You have to pay to park your car upon entry, and then leave your car and haul all your camping stuff to the site—not a great way to start a festival when you’ve been driving for hours. The volunteers are strict about bringing in alcohol to the grounds, and search cars rigorously. We’ve heard confiscated alcohol gets sold back to VIP ticket holders.

The Unique: Due to local noise ordinances music on the main stage stops at 1 a.m., so music continues into the late hours in the Red Barn, which requires a separate ticket from the festival. If you don’t want to pay the extra ticket fee after already buying a weekend pass, the Vibes tent features late-night DJs, and there are Campfire Jams to keep you rocking into the late hours.

If the festival were a celebrity: Jack Black. Kick-ass, yet somehow still family friendly.

15 hours

Who we’re excited for: moe., Umphrey’s McGee, Jane’s Addiction, Gov’t Mule, Yonder Mountain String Band 33

The Good:

WAKARUSA When: May 31-June3

Where:

Mulberry Mountain, Ozark, Ark.

Price:

$189 for a 4-day pass, camping not included

Driving time: 14 hours

Who we’re excited for: Pretty Lights, Weir, Robinson, & Greene Acoustic Trio, Slightly Stoopid, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Primus

Camp on-site and all stages are just a five-minute walk, perfect for taking numerous trips back to your tent to get… hydrated. The lineup is long and diverse, music goes until the wee hours, and there’s plenty other entertainment such as musician workshops, costume contests and disc golf. In addition Mulberry Mountain is privately owned, so no cops can come into the festival and you’re pretty much safe with whatever you may want to consume.

The Bad: The Ozarks in June are wicked hot, and if you miss the boat on main camping you’ll have to park in Riverside camping and take the shuttle back and forth.

The Unique: Hike down behind the main stage and you’ll find a river to cool down in and swim with other swimsuit-clad festival patrons. Mumford & Sons were spotted there last year. We hear they’re bringing a huge water slide this year as well to combat the heat.

If the festival were a celebrity: Kate Moss. It’s a stay-up-all-night, don’t-apologize-for-it-later kind of fest.

The Good: Bonnaroo has become an American staple; it’s something you have to do at least once in your life. The headliners every year are some of the biggest names in the industry, but there are so many bands there that it’s practically impossible to see even half from your do-not-miss list. Bonnaroo also boasts a large amount of vendors, and Shakedown Street is packed with cool and unique goodies.

The Bad:

bonnaroo

The Unique:

June 7-10

When 100,000 people get together on a farm in Tennessee, some real Americana culture starts to come out. Ever wonder what hick-hippies are like? Ever wish there were more nudity at festivals? Ever see a sevenyear-old with dreads, slinging buttons? It’s all there.

Manchester, Tenn.

If the festival were a celebrity:

$234.50 before fees

Charlie Sheen. Bonnaroo takes a big toll physically, but if you can survive you’ll feel like you’re winning.

When: Where: Price:

Driving time:

21 hours

Who we’re excited for: Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Phish, The Beach Boys, Skrillex

The crowds are so massive that doing even the simplest task like getting food or going to the bathroom can take forever. Prepare for a long line of cars and hours of waiting to get into the festival, and not being able to see many of your favorite bands because you’re so far back in the crowd. All of this in 100-plus degree humid heat.

The Good: Desert Rocks returns to a new location this year—the privately-owned Jenk Star Ranch—which is a flatter venue than previous years and sits at the bottom of 1,000-ft tall red rock cliffs. The theme for the 2012 festival is “Celebrating Consciousness,” and this gets reflected in everything from artists chosen to greening initiatives to workshops held throughout the weekend.

Desert rocks When:

The Bad: The lineup isn’t very long, and Utah cops are notorious for profiling festival-goers and pulling them over for driving even a mile or two over the speed limit. While the desert setting is hot during the day, temperatures can drop dramatically at night, so be prepared for everything.

June 7-10

The Unique:

Jenk Star Ranch, Green River, Utah

Need a break from music? Several area adventures are offered this year including river rafting, a horseback trail ride and a guided area tour.

Where: Price:

$125, does not include camping or car pass

Driving time: 7 hours

Who we’re excited for: Beats Antique, The Wailers, RJD2, Elephant Revival, Polish Ambassador

If the festival were a celebrity: Jim Morrison. Your mind will be opened to all the possibilities of consciousness, man.

The Good: Formerly the Rothbury Festival, Electric Forest is in the same location but was taken over by the String Cheese Incident last year. While past lineups have been an eclectic mix of electronic, jam and bluegrass, the festival has been shifting to mostly electro of all kinds. The festival also takes pride in their green initiatives, and the crowds are filled with rowdy but nice people looking to have a good time.

The Bad:

ElectricFOREST When: June 28-July 1

Where:

Rothbury, Mich.

Price:

Stages are far away from each other, and while it’s nice to walk through the forest to see the next set, it can get exhausting. Weather can change suddenly so be prepared for rain and sun.

The Unique: The heart of the festival is Sherwood Forest. During the day you can check out art installations and lounge in the shade, but by night the forest comes alive when thousands of lights colorfully illuminate the trees, making Michigan look like Pandora.

If the festival were a celebrity: Russell Brand. An all-around good time for men and women.

$242.50 for a 4 day pass, before fees

Driving time:

19 hours

Who we’re excited for: String Cheese Incident, Bassnectar, Thievery Corporation, Ghostland Observatory, Steve Aoki 35

The Good: Global hits its 10th anniversary at Red Rocks this year, and returns with its usual array of dub beats, trance builds and bass so heavy it’ll knock the pacifier right out of your mouth. Since it’s at Red Rocks you can easily do one day or all three, depending on how much serotonin you have left.

The Bad:

Global When: July 20-22

Where:

Red Rocks

Price:

$81.60 per day or $230.25 for 3-day pass

Driving time:

There’s no camping, and while it’s nice to sleep in your own bed after a festival, figuring out a ride home can be a burden. Don’t limit your fun at the show and opt for the party bus. Also, the festival is too expensive for the amount of artists there, which isn’t nearly as many, or impressive, as previous years.

The Unique: There aren’t many raves at Red Rocks, and it’s fun to get dressed up in your flashiest neon gear, Kanye shades, finger lights and faux glitter fur that you tell yourself makes sense mid-July.

If the festival were a celebrity: Amy Winehouse. More is more, right?

1 hour and 30 minutes

Who we’re excited for: Wolfgang Gartner, Steve Angello, Knife Party, Excision, Above & Beyond

The Good: Nestled right in the middle of Golden Gate Park in the heart of San Francisco, Outside Lands brings together a diverse array of musicians old and new, while showcasing what the Bay Area is all about. The food is great, the wine flows freely at the Wine Lands tent, and San Francisco hippies love voicing their opinions on everything from weed legalization to… weed legalization.

The Bad:

outside lands Aug 10-12

The Unique: Golden Gate Park is enclosed so you can’t see the rest of the city, and when you’re in there, it feels like a secret festival in the middle of a concrete jungle. Outside Lands reminds you of why the Bay Area still holds it down in music, art and counter-culture.

Golden Gate Park, San Francisco

If the festival were a celebrity:

$225.00

Woody Harrelson. Returns to normal by smoking you out, and then the real party begins.

When: Where: Price:

Driving time: 19 hours

Who we’re excited for: Metallica, Stevie Wonder, Justice, Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Foo Fighters

It can be a hard festival to swing for out-of-towners. Golden Gate Park isn’t exactly in the middle of the city, and it can be difficult getting a hotel room. Headliners are billed at the same time for crowd control, it can take a long time to get between stages and music ends early each night around 10 p.m.

ACoupleMoreWeDig: HighSierra

campbisco

Lollapalooza

Northwest StringSummit

SONICBLOOM

Telluride Bluegrass

When: July 5-8 Where: Quincy, Calif. Price: $165 for 3-day pass, $185 for 4-day pass Driving time: 17 hours Who we’re excited for: STS9, Railroad Earth, Galactic, ALO, Toots and the Maytals

When: Aug 9-12 Where: Horning’s Hideout, North Plains, Ore. Price: $155 for 4-day pass Driving time: 20 hours Who we’re excited for: Yonder Mountain String Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, 7 Walkers, New Riders of the Purple Sage

When: July 12-14 Where: Indian Lookout Country Club, Mariaville, N.Y. Price: $170 for 3 day pass Driving time: 29 hours Who we’re excited for: Disco Biscuits, Bassnectar, Crystal Castles, Amon Tobin Isam, Atmosphere

When: June 22-24 Where: Shadows Ranch, Georgetown, Colo. Price: $150 for 3-day pass; $25 to park Driving time: 2 hours Who we’re excited for: Tipper, Bonobo, Emancipator, Zilla, Octopus Nebula

When: Aug 3-5 Where: Grant Park, Chicago Price: $230 Driving time: 16 hours Who we’re excited for: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Black Keys, Black Sabbath,

When: June 21-24 Where: Telluride, Colo. Price: Sold out; search Craigslist for tickets Driving time: 7 hours Who we’re excited for: Del McCoury Band, Leftover Salmon, Sam Bush Band, Punch Brothers, Greensky Bluegrass

Rooster UNIVERSITY

Not the real Slim Shady

You know who he is from the wife beater. The do-rag. The thick-chained necklace. Palest skin ever. Oh, you grew up in Orange County or Boulder? That must mean you experienced hardships. Sorry, but the only guy who can be Slim Shady is the man himself. Toss out the rag and grab a pair of khakis.

6 7 8

The meathead

Instead of bringing a Nalgene of H2O to class, you see a blender bottle of Muscle Milk. Señor Frogs pit-stained T-shirt reppin, or camo for days. Weight-lift tweetin, and damn proud of it. The meathead is one of a kind, but always a douche.

Tacky tats

While culture is important and not to be meddled with, it becomes another story when it is imprinted on human flesh. Tribal tattoos around the bicep, above the bedonk-a-donk, or around the ankle. None of them are hot, and all scream douche.

Raw vegan hippie

Most hippies are awesome, but there are some that really grind our gears. Partaking in patchouli showers actually make you smell like shit. Oh, you’re barefoot? That must be because you are super cultured and think about kids in third world countries. When you feel inclined to ask if a corporate restaurant has a “raw vegan menu,” please climb out of that douche bag body of yours and hitchhike on over to Vitamin Cottage.

10 Signs You’ve Found a Douchebag He’s Mr. Get-the-F*ck-Out.

The car he drives

If you have the money for an Audi R8 or a Nissan GTR, by all means, drive that shit. Girls and boys will likely pee their pants out of sheer joy. However, if you find someone driving a pickup truck that requires a stepladder and dumps black smoke (complete with hunting stickers and silhouettes of naked chicks), get the hell out. You’ve found a D-bag.

The playlist blasting through those neon “Beats”

If you find someone who says their favorite bands are something like Skrillex and Bassnectar, red alert. If the buck stops there, that’s just pathetic. Dubstep may be fun to bump and grind to, but that’s just sad. Mix it up. (Oh, and get some better headphones.)

Bro-cabulary

No one likes the guy that uses “bro” or “brah” in his everyday vocabulary. How about “dude” or “man”? We’ll settle for that, but to use “bro” every sentence just makes others bleed from the ears. “Brah” is even worse. Combine that with a hang-loose gesture, and you’ll knock ‘em dead.

The kisser and teller

Deep down, we are all proud of some of our sexual conquests. But there is nothing worse than someone who goes around telling his friends of the booty he tapped the night before. And the night before that, and… “Nah brah, she was totally hot,” he says. But really, the liquid courage caused him to fall for the ugly duckling. Keep it real dude, the truth will always come back to bite you in the ass.

Fratso-tanks

These are neon tanks tagged with Greek letters and cheesy phrases that make no sense. Regular bro-tanks are fine in our book: rock that shit, show off those biceps. However, when your tank is encrusted with your sorority or fraternity, just remember: the only person who cares is you.

High maintenance bro

You’re misunderstood? We feel so bad for you. Maybe that’s because you spend more than 20 minutes on your hair, and your sunglasses match your shoes. Or here’s a thinker: maybe you wear Ed Hardy jeans that have a graffiti-laden Bengal tiger on the thigh to show everyone just how masculine you are. False. A well-dressed man is appreciated amongst the female population, but that can only go so far. Be willing to let loose and get dirty.

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NEWS Intervention: Al Sharpton

Shit Santorum Said... A lot He might be gone, but his words live on. “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.” —Campaigning for president in Iowa (January 2012)

Al Sharpton, this is an intervention. Ever since your failed bid for the Oval Office, we’ve stood idly by as you’ve turned one political stunt after another into your own platform of publicity. Don’t get us wrong; we appreciate your cause and the moral mission you’re fighting for. Racism needs to be quashed, and you play the activist card quite well. It’s just that we believe you’ve lost your credibility. The constant politi-

cal talk show appearances, the way you weasel your way into any situation hoping to play the race card, and the constant political sermons you drop on cue were all exciting and revolutionary in the 80s, but have since added to your plight from the ranks of people who we should give a shit about. Unfortunately, we were too late to help Jesse Jackson—he was a good man but his ego got the best of him. We promise we won’t

PENIS SIZE: BY COUNTRY

let this happen to you. We advise a slow diet of no media coverage. Yes, letting go of the Treyvon Martin case will be difficult at first, but trust us: after the withdrawals fade from not seeing yourself on TV, you’ll learn that life has more to offer than hosting a show on MSNBC. And MSNBC, don’t think we haven’t forgotten about you and your contributing roll to Mr. Sharpton’s slow decline. We’ll talk later.

“I think the Democrats are actually worried he (Obama) may go to Indonesia and bow to more Muslims.” —Fox News interview (May 2010) “The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical. And that is what the perception is by the American Left who hates Christendom. ... What I’m talking about is onward American soldiers. What we’re talking about are core American values.” —Campaigning for president in South Carolina (February 2011)

“Earlier in my political career, I had the opportunity to read the speech, and I almost threw up.” —Regarding JFK’s 1960 speech about the importance of separation of church and state (October 2011)

“President Obama wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob ... Oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college. He wants to remake you in his image.” —Speaking to a Tea Party group in Michigan (February 2012)

“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?” —Philadelphia Inquirer column (May 22, 2008)

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. ... That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.” —AP interview (April 7, 2003)

Rooster NEWS

MONTHLY HEADLINES Maldivian unrest

The Maldives—a 1,200-island archipelago in the Indian Ocean known for its high-end resorts, white-sand beaches and crystal-blue waters—may be coming under the influence of Islamic extremism. In February, thenPresident Mohamed Nasheed stepped down to avoid violence after what he claimed was a coup by his country’s military; two months later, Nasheed is now saying that in the absence of elections “Islamic radicals are gaining strength in the Maldives.” Political analysts suspect the development has to do with weakened elements of Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups tiring of their desolate desert digs and beginning to look for cushier climates. Some experts speculate that these increasingly less radical groups are also motivated by reasonable off-season rates and rumors of really cute cabana-side bars with great happy hour deals.

Iranian upswing

Despite still being considered an international black sheep, Iran’s future is looking a little brighter these days. In early April, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, announced that the country had enough cash reserves to weather the latest round of international economic sanctions, which analysts estimate could cost the country more than $30 billion annually. Several days later, the aerospace division chief of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard said that Iranian military experts had reverse engineered a captured U.S. spy drone and were in the process of building a working copy. Also among Iran’s recent accomplishments? Development of a free renewable energy source, discovery of the lost city of Atlantis and completion of what it believes to be the true “Great American Novel.”

Light you long time

The Dutch electronics company Philips recently made available to consumers a $60 light bulb that promises a lifespan of more than 20 years. The bulb, appropriately introduced on Earth Day, is 83 percent more efficient than conventional 60-watt bulbs—using just 10-watts of power to produce 900 lumens of light—and with upcoming rebates could cost as little as $25. Philips estimates that if every conventional bulb in the United States was replaced with the new bulb, the country would save nearly $4 billion in energy costs annually and cut CO2 emissions by 20 metric tons. However, some industry experts believe the bulb won’t fare well, not because of its price tag but because it makes people think too much about what they’ll be doing in 20 years, if they’ll still own their homes or whether or not they really like their spouse all that much.

High-class haggling

A Secret Service agent brought shame on the country’s elite security detail last month when, while off-duty from protecting President Obama during an international summit in Cartagena, Colombia, the agent undervalued the services of a local sex worker. The prostitute, who prefers the term “escort,” told the New York Times that she thought she and the agent had agreed upon $800 for the transaction, but that in the morning the agent claimed he’d been drunk and only offered her $30. An argument began that came to involve Colombian police, other federal agents and another prostitute—and which ended with a $225 compromise cobbled together from pesos and American cash. In response to the embarrassment, the State Department has begun putting together a new set of Federal guidelines for diplomatic travel tentatively titled “How Much Does a Hooker Really Cost?”

Enron Accounting Scandal (2001) The Enron Corporation, based in Houston, was one of the United States’ largest energy, commodities, and services companies before it shocked the nation by declaring bankruptcy. Though Enron was named Fortune magazine’s “America’s Most Innovative Company” for six consecutive years, the company’s accounting practices eventually dropped its stock from $90 a share to virtually worthless. The scandal involved many executive employees and cost shareholders nearly $11 billion. It also took down Arthur Andersen, at the time one of the world’s largest audit and accountancy partnerships, whose complacency in the whole debacle is considered the largest audit failure of all time. Basically, it was discovered that much of Enron’s “revenue” was coming from “special purpose entities”—which is a fancy way to say companies that Enron either fabricated or controlled—or both. The illusion allowed Enron to hide much of its debt and losses by keeping it all out of their official financial statements. Thenpresident of the company Jeffrey Skilling, CFO Andrew Fastow and other company executives hid billions of dollars in failed projects and deals from Enron’s board of directors and pressured Arthur Anderson to ignore their dishonest practices. Shortly after an SEC investigation began, Enron was forced to declare bankruptcy. Skilling and Fastow were sentenced to 24 and six years, respectively, while Arthur Andersen was found guilty of obstruction of justice for its part in destroying evidence (though the Supreme Court later overturned the charges against Andersen). The culture of corruption was so pervasive at the company that it was rumored senior traders would shake down newbies for their lunch money while lookouts stood guard outside the employee cafeteria.

WorldCom Accounting Scandal (2002) When the telecommunications industry experienced a downturn in 2000, things started to go awry for the now-defunct WorldCom and its thenCEO Bernard Ebbers. Matters were made worse

when the Justice Department denied a proposed merger between WorldCom and Sprint, and WorldCom stock began losing its worth. At the same time, Ebbers had been using margin calls on his WorldCom stock to finance his other businesses, and banks began pressuring him to cover those calls. One of the other businesses? A yachting company. (You know you’re a big shot when you have a yacht—but a yachting company?) So, instead of sucking it up and taking his losses, Ebbers convinced WorldCom’s board of directors to grant him more than $400 million in corporate loans to pay for the margin calls. The directors hoped the loans would prevent Ebbers from selling a massive amount of his stock thereby further diminishing the value of their own shares. It seems corruption loves company. Unbeknownst to the directors, however, Ebbers, along with CFO Scott Sullivan and other company heads, had been using fraudulent accounting methods since 1999 to hide WorldCom’s declining profits. The scandal finally came to the attention of WorldCom internal auditors, who discovered and made public at least $3.8 billion of fraudulent earnings. The perpetrators, led by Ebbers, were promptly fired or resigned. When the SEC finally investigated, it discovered that company assets had been inflated by $11 billion. Ebbers was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison, and his deeds led directly to the passage of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, the largest set of business regulations since the 1930s—and an act that ensured that, at least for the foreseeable future, Ebbers wouldn’t be the only one taking it up the ass.

HealthSouth Corporation Fraud (2002) The HealthSouth Corporation, based in Birmingham, Alabama, may be the largest owner of rehabilitative hospitals in the country, but that didn’t stop one of its CEOs from artificially inflating the value of its stock and then selling off $75 million in shares just before the company reported massive losses. The CEO, Richard M. Scrushy, oversaw reports overstating the company’s income by as much as 4,700 percent, leading the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to charge the company with falsely inflating its worth by $1.4 billion. Though the SEC failed to charge Schrushy with any crimes, he was fired by the company’s board of directors and shortly thereafter was

convicted of bribing the governor of Alabama for a seat on the state’s medical regulatory board—proving that corrupt idiots can’t leave well enough alone.

Tyco International Theft (2004) Tyco International Ltd. is a manufacturing company incorporated in Switzerland with headquarters in Princeton, New Jersey. The massive company has its hands in a wide range of business sectors, from security to logistics, making its profits the perfect target for skimming off the top—or at least that’s what a couple of its now former executives thought. After eventually being caught, CEO Dennis Kozlowski and CFO Mark H. Swartz were accused of stealing more than $150 million dollars from the company—including $2 million for a birthday party for Kozlowski’s wife hosted on a Mediterranean island with toga attired entertainers and a special performance by Jimmy Buffet. Unfortunately for the execs, they were eventually charged with all but one of the 30 counts brought against them, and Tyco International later agreed to pay nearly $3 billion to defrauded shareholders. Maybe if Kozlowski had just invited the shareholders to his wife’s party, they wouldn’t have been so pissed off.

Madoff Investment Scandal (2008) Bernard Madoff, a former chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange, made headlines when he admitted that the wealth management wing of his investment securities business was a massive Ponzi scheme, ending a decades-long dupe of thousands of his investors. Prosecutors estimated the fraud to be worth $64.8 billion, and Madoff pled guilty to 11 federal crimes and was sentenced to 150 years in prison and $170 billion in restitution. Additionally, the freezing of Madoff’s assets impacted the world’s businesses and philanthropic communities so much that organizations around to globe were forced to shut down. Charles Ponzi would have been proud.

Start a Ponzi scheme

Though it’s doubtful anyone could ever match the scope of Bernie Madoff’s nearly $65 billion swindle, there’s no reason not to try. Start small. Convince everyone in your apartment building to invest $50 in your new “company” and promise them returns they can’t refuse—say, $20 per week. Then find another apartment building across town and repeat the process, paying investors from the first with fresh cash from the second. Keep repeating. If anyone remarks that the whole thing seems too good to be true, change the subject. Note: The key to a successful Ponzi scheme is pulling out before its inevitable collapse (see “Rio Hedge,” opposite page).

Make some fake shit

Counterfeiting and pirating in the 21st century have become pretty advanced. There’s no reason anymore to stand in the alley with a trench coat or limit your goods to watches, DVDs and handbags. Just about anything today has a fake counterpart: vehicle engines, microchips, pharmaceuticals, computer programs—all of it can be produced on the cheap and slapped with a brand name label. Not sure where to start? Try China’s Guangdong Province, where thousands of factories produce fake goods alongside the real thing, contributing to the country’s estimated $25 billion counterfeiting industry.

Play the market

To embrace your inner rags-to-riches story, there’s no better place to start than the stock market, where absolutely anyone with elite connections and insider information can make money. Keep your ears perked for hot stock tips—and when you find them, don’t tell anyone. If you can buy low and sell high, or get in on the ground floor with the next Google, you could be set for life. Remember: Lunch is for wimps. 44

ONCE YOU’RE A

MILLIONAIRE

Some terms you’ll need to learn: Easement: If the city comes to you requesting an easement on your property so it can run vital electric lines through your backyard, take them up on it. They’ll pay you fairly and if there’s ever any bad blood between you and the mayor, you’ve got him by the balls. Lifestyle Creep: Once you can afford Dom Perignon it’s hard to go back to Korbel. In order to avoid lifestyle creep, where “former luxuries are now considered necessities,” keep splurging to a minimum: Fly first-class, but insist on the scratchy pillows from coach. And when your friends come over to party, serve only canned beer and pizza—save the paté and scotch for when they’re gone.

Sell yourself

There’s nothing shameful about the world’s oldest profession. If you can cut out the pimp, the benefits are great: there’s low overhead, the profit is pure, you get to meet new people all the time and you’re constantly getting laid. If having sex for money doesn’t feel right, there are alternatives: blood, semen and egg banks can be lucrative options, or, if you come down with some sort of obscure condition, there may be medical programs willing to pay you to be poked, prodded or dosed.

Manufacture a new drug

Walter White made a lot of cash cooking up the best crystal meth the Southwest had ever seen, but developing a new drug is where the real money is. After all, the guy who first figured out how to refine cocaine was probably pretty popular around the neighborhood. So get creative. For your chemical base, don’t just limit yourself to household cleaning products—go out to the garage and poke around that automotive stuff you never really use. Just remember: if the label says it’s poisonous, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s lethal. Experiment and see what works.

Find a sugar daddy/mama

Affected affection may be annoying in the short term, but in the long run it could mean an early retirement. Know that cougar who keeps coming around your bar? Chances are she’s got some cash reserves and just needs some loving. Or how about that charming old man who’s always staring at your ass? The problem with these types of providers is that you never know how long you’ll have to keep up the pretense. If you’re in it to win it, just make sure you wind up in the will.

Design an app

Coming up with the hottest new app is easy: everybody’s doing it. All one has to do is sit at a coffee shop for a couple of days and bang out a variation on some open-source code, design

some graphics and a friendly interface and then sell it for $1 billion. Admittedly, the competition is stiff. Here’s an inside tip: the best new app to come out will be an app that helps you design apps. Seriously. Get on that.

Tap the black market

Counterfeiting is one way to go, but the black market has a lot of other options: human trafficking, toxic dumping, gun running, nuclear weapon smuggling—the world is your endangered, illegally harvested, highly profitable oyster. If you’re not connected to the global black market supply chain, you might have to start at the bottom: stow away on a shipping liner to Hong Kong and develop some street credit there. Pretty soon you’ll be flaunting international borders and hobnobbing with criminal warlords.

Sell out

There’s nothing more American than selling out. If you can stomach that nagging feeling that you’re heading for a special ring of hell, lowering your creative and ethical standards can be a great way to get rich quick. Having actual talent is the best way to sell out, but even if you’re a total schlock there are still plenty of opportunities to become a corporate shill. But remember the cardinal sin of selling out: don’t double dip. If you get rich and famous selling out once, that’s one thing. If you lose it all and then try to hawk your way back into the limelight, that’s just tacky.

Quote Stuffing: Quote stuffing is when you “flood the market” with a bunch of large orders that have to be processed, causing your competitors to lose their edge in high frequency trading. With high frequency trading, computer programs execute large-volume trades instantly based on micro-changes in the market: when a stock shifts by less than a penny, the average investor doesn’t care; but if you’ve got $200 million of that stock, you just made or lost a bundle. Quote stuffing is how you manipulate it. Rio Hedge: If you’ve just risked two-thirds of your company’s assets on an upswing in African currency futures, you may want to have a Rio hedge. Any tropical destination without an extradition agreement with the United States will do. If your market play pans out, great; if it doesn’t, investors will be pissed. Don’t give them a target for their anger. Slip away on a midnight flight, hang low and maybe get some facial restructuring. Remember: the authorities may be coming for you. Whether you’re spending time at dive bars or fancy resorts, ask yourself: Is this where I want to be caught? Sin Stock: Investing in green energy and social good may be popular right now, but sin stock has a certain staying power that’s irresistible. Just think: booze and tobacco have been around for centuries, and there will always be some conflict that needs some weapons. Right? Don’t worry: you’ll only go to hell if you’re using these items; if you’re just investing in them, it’s OK. If you’re investing in them and using them, say hello to Satan. (Quoted material from Investopedia.com) 45

WORKPLACE OF THE FUTURE

LOOK AROUND:

Today’s workforce is full of tech savvy go-getters keeping up with the ever-changing marketplace. Dad isn’t the only one anymore who brings home the bacon: Mom’s got a Bluetooth headset and runs a consulting business out of the basement, while Junior’s on his laptop after school banging out lines of code for a new mobile app. The rat race has been revolutionized. Are you ready?

t the heart of these changes lies the rapidly expanding globalized economy: more than 230,000 American jobs are lost each year as a result of outsourcing (though many economists believe a similar number of new jobs are being created at the same time) and new clients are going to come from every country imaginable, bringing to the table a host of different cultural customs. In order to compete you’re going to have to brush up on your internationalism; Americanism doesn’t have the same appeal it used to. Does this mean you’re going to have to dust off your high school French? No. It just means you might have to deal with some French people at some point and treat them as equals—rather than the snobby socialist winos you know they really are. Be open-minded. The workplace of the future has no cubicles, no physical walls, no water cooler to gather around—and the concept of punching out is falling by the wayside. More and more, bosses are expecting employees to be working even when they’re not “at work.” Lucky for you, technology has made this possible: smart phones and mobile apps, lightweight laptops, cloud computing and a little thing called the Internet have all crafted a cordless environment where we can always have access to work.

With incentives to drive down overhead costs, major corporations like Cisco are pushing their employees to work from home and ditch the old nine-to-five office hours; a recent study by Telework found that 26 million Americans “telecommute.” Ah, the “remote workplace” where the idea of an actual day off is indeed remote. Thanks technology! But the modern workplace won’t only be defined by ones and zeroes and smaller microchips. According to Business Week magazine, since 1900 the labor-market participation rate for women 25 to 44 years of age rose from less than 20 percent to more than 75 percent, and women will undoubtedly continue to make up a larger and larger portion of the labor pool. So guys, don’t be surprised if your next boss wears a bra and the phrase soon becomes “sticking it to the woman.” Don’t believe us? As of the 2010 U.S. Census, a young American woman is more likely to hold a college degree than her male counterpart and more likely to start her own business. And with more than 70 percent of last year’s high school valedictorians being female, the future will almost certainly bear more women managers filling positions conventionally held by their male counterparts.

Also changing is the concept of the 40hour workweek. Gaining national attention is the new notion of a four-day workweek— same hours, extra day off. It’s an enticing case to be made—for both employee and employer. Employees can skip a day of child-care costs and employers can cut operating costs. It’s a win-win. Utah adopted this program for all state employees and energy use was reduced 13 percent during the first year; employees were estimated to have saved as much as $6 million in gasoline costs by not driving into the office on Fridays. While no one can predict the future, it’s undeniable that the work environment will look a lot different 10 years from now. Companies are always looking for creative ways to cut costs and find an edge over their competition—and, for better or for worse, the American worker can only adjust accordingly. The best way to succeed in this shifting landscape is to be ready for change and learn how to adapt on the fly. Just remember: second place is a second of steak knives and third place is you’re fired. Now go kick some ass.

ROOSTER FINAL

EXAM

1. The “57” on Heinz Ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties the company has of which condiment?

8. The Brazilian martial art Capoeira was the precursor for what 1980’s dance phenomenon?

5. The name “Wendy” of Wendy’s fast food originated from where? A. ketchup B. mustard C. pickles D. relishes 2. Which King in a deck of cards has no mustache? A.

A. tap dance B. breakdancing C. electric slide D. hip-hop

A. Wendy’s restaurant creator Dave Thomas B. Peter Pan C. A misspelling in a Shakespearean play D. Lord Byron’s childhood dog 6. Kurt Vonnegut was falsely credited with writing “Wear Sunscreen” for MIT’s 1997 graduation, despite it actually being written by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune. Vonnegut wasn’t even the speaker at the MIT commencement. Who was it? A. Kofi Annan

3. What was Charlie Brown’s father’s occupation? A. dentist B. school teacher C. farmer D. barber

B. Kevin Spacey

9. Made from the wood of the alder tree, what popular game gets its name from the Swahili verb, “to build”? A. Othello B. Jenga C. Chess D. Backgammon

C. Bill Gates

4. Who was Tommy Lee Jones’ roommate at Harvard?

D. James Cameron

A. George W. Bush

B. Al Gore

C. John Lithgow

7. Member countries of what policy-making organization hold about two-thirds of the world’s oil reserves? A. UN B. IFFO C. OAPEC D. OPEC

10. In Greek mythology, what maze-like structure did Daedalus construct to hold the Minotaur? A. labyrinth B. quagmire C. morass D. web

D. Al Franken

Answers: 1. C; 2. A; 3. D; 4. B; 5. B; 6. A; 7. D; 8. B; 9. B; 10. A

Well Paid Jobs You’d Never Take

Money ain’t everything, and we here at Rooster would rather write about sex and weed for two cents a week than take any of these jobs.

Garbage Collector

Oil Rigger

Garbage men make an average of $43,000 a year, more than many high school teachers—and with good reason. Lots of high school teachers don’t do shit after they receive tenure. Blue collar garbage collectors don’t get tenure, and provide a more tangible service than Mrs. Equality who talks about the literary merit of Anne Bradstreet. Silly Puritans.

This job, in addition to being dirty, requires 12-hour shifts, night and day, doing extremely demanding and dangerous physical labor on oil rigs in the middle of the ocean. Workers have to spend weeks sleeping, eating and working out on the rig. The perk is that getting that black gold out of the ground pays an average of $50,000 a year, and you can use that money for whatever you please when you’re not out slaving on the rig. Plus badasses are oil riggers, like Daniel Plainview.

Portable Toilet Cleaner

Crab Fisherman

These Honeybucket specialists rake in an average of $47,000 a year. While most of us do our best to avoid port-a-potties at all costs (or endeavor to blow them up, depending on age) these brave souls suck out all the contents into a tank-mounted on a truck with a large hose. Don’t piss these guys off, or they may just decide to ruin your summer water gun fight.

These guys aren’t lounging on the local lake with a cooler and tackle box, working on their beer gut to pass away a lazy summer afternoon. Crab fishing persistently ranks as one of the most dangerous occupations in the U.S., as made popular by the Discovery show Deadliest Catch. These hardy men can make $50,000 a year fishing for crab off the coast of Alaska in freezing conditions rife with sleep deprivation. They’re just waiting to get tossed from the barrier-less ship or smashed in the ribs with a piece of heavy, fastswinging equipment, miles from medical aid.

Sewer Inspector

Plumber

Sewer inspectors take the job of portable toilet cleaners to the next level, spelunking under the city streets to wade in the local waste and find and repair problems with the sewage system. These men make an average of $60,000 a year maintaining our water passages and keeping our streets clean. Without them, the streets and faucets would run brown with shit.

These men, with the most beautifully displayed ass-cracks of any profession, make the world a better place for all the dumbasses and potheads who are too lazy to turn off their water pressure and unscrew the pipe under their sink to remove the egg shells and penne pasta they shoved down the disposal. On call and more readily available than a Craigslist prostitute, these utility belt-clad gentlemen make around $45,000 a year. And they save a boatload on plumbing expenses.

Embalmer

Crime Scene Cleaner

When people die, they quickly begin to rot, changing color and giving off one hell of a stench. This is hardly the condition their loved ones want to see them in as they lay in an open casket creeping out all the young relatives in attendance. Embalmers and mortuary workers use a variety of make-ups and chemicals to make the dead appear to be only sleeping, and make an average of $41,000 doing so. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like having a big, smelly doll to play with, and the pay only increases with experience.

This one requires more nerve and a strong stomach, perhaps more than any profession mentioned so far. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got the guts to clean up blood, sperm (why is there always sperm at crime scenes?), brains, flesh and whatever else twisted serial killers leave in their workshops, then you can rake in $75,000 bucks a year with little experience and flexible but infrequent work hours. And you would have the craziest stories to tell at happy hour.

Coal Miner

Gastroenterologist

Coal mining is one of the most dangerous and dirty professions in the world. Workers spend long hours underground in hospitable conditions, breathing in all the shit that environmentalists bitch about when we release into the atmosphere. If coal miners can take it, then the environment should just grin and bear it like the brave, orange-clad, underground diggers. The $67,000 a year probably doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hurt either.

Also known as a GI doctor, these medical professionals specialize in the digestive track and intestines. Gas, abnormal stool, and pain in the ass are all the area of expertise of a Gastroenterologist. These MDs have the highest salary on our list, at $290,000 a year on average. They treat some of the most embarrassing and itchy ailments that plague our society. Medical school, a stoic reaction to shit and piss, and 50 viewings of 2 girls 1 cup are required to pursue a career in this profession. 49

Stats

Maybe your statisitcs teacher should have spent a bit more time going over this material and less time hassling you about the variance and standard deviation for discrete random variables. Here are some facts that are actually useful when entering the job market.

You Weren’t Taught

in Math Class JOB MARKET

AVERAGE DEBT

$23,186 44% of employers plan to hire recent college grads in 2012.

Two-thirds of all graduating students with a bachelor’s degree are saddled with an average of $23,186 in federal and private loans. (Monster.com)

(CareerBuilder.com)

MOVING HOME

80%

13%

2011

2008

Percentage of U.S. college graduates, who moved back home with their parents after graduation. (CollegeGrad.com)

UNEMPLOYMENT RATES

Architecture 13.9% UNDERGRADUATE DEGREES WITH THE HIGHEST RATES OF UNEMPLOYMENT

The Arts 11.1%

Agriculture & natural Resources 13.9% UNDERGRADUATE DEGREES WITH THE LOWEST RATES OF UNEMPLOYMENT

humanities 9.4%

Education11.1% health 9.4%

(WashingtonPost.com)

Jobs in Millions

JOBS LOST vs. JOBS RECOVERED 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

MONEY FROM THE FED

Jobs Lost Jobs Recovered

Since January 2008 (National Center for Educational Statistics)

WORKERS PER JOB

There are 4.98 workers for every job opening available. (National Center for Educational Statistics)

Percentage of Americans’ total personal income that comes from federal funds

(National Center for Educational Statistics)

REMAINING STIMULUS $

AVERAGE UNEMPLOYMENT RATES

The unemployment rate has been around 9 percent for 28 months (Percent Unemployed)

(National Center for Educational Statistics)

Amount of stimulus money left to be spent: $110.8 billion of the original $787 billion (National Center for Educational Statistics)

LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYMENT

Credit Card DEBT

(Months)

LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYMENT

20-26 WEEKS

STUDENT LOANS

Student loan debt has reached $1 trillion, which is more than national credit card debt. (National Center for Educational Statistics)

UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS

Number of long-term unemployed people in June 2011: 6.3 million, or 44.4 percent of the unemployed (National Center for Educational Statistics)

RELAX

Length of time people will be able to receive unemployment benefits if they lose their job after July 1, 2012 (National Center for Educational Statistics)

YOUR GPA DOESNT MATTER

IT’S NOT ALL BAD ENTRY-LEVEL HIRING

ENTRY-LEVEL HIRING

22% 6% According to a report released by the National Association of Colleges and Employers (NACE), the average salary offer to graduates of the college class of 2011 has risen six percent over last year’s average. (Schools.com)

Findings show that entry-level hiring increased 22% from last year, and is the highest it’s been in more than three years. (CollegeGrad.com)

Contrary to what you may have thought, GPA is not important. Only 3 percent of respondents indicated that GPA was an important hiring characteristic. What really matters are an individual’s undergraduate major, whether or not they have held an internship or have relevant work experience and the communication skills demonstrated in the interview. (CollegeGrad.com)

HOW TO DEAL

WITH YOUR

DICKHEAD BOSS

Some pointers for beating that douchebag at his own game.

“Mention that you would never want your job performance to be compromised by interpersonal issues, or whatever bullshit makes sense at the time.”

Do everything better than them This first step is tough. Obviously, your boss got promoted to that position for a reason, so they must be good at something. But we’re willing to bet they’ve still got some flaws you can exploit. Say your boss is terrible at being on time, or they hate kids. Maybe they suck at communicating, or they hit on so-andso in the creepiest way. Pinpoint what other employees don’t like about your boss, and make it your goal to be the best at those things. Exhibit A: Your boss is a dick to your co-workers. Your response? Act like you truly care about them. Ask them how they are, how their pets are, how their children are. People will start noticing the patterns; i.e., the boss is a prick, but you are nice and friendly. Your boss will definitely pick up on that; bosses immediately notice when their employees are excelling at something they fail at. There is almost no better way to show someone up than to do something better than them. Except the next option…

Have sex with them Oh, yeah. Look your hottest, get them all riled up, take them out, tease and seduce the hell out of them, then have killer hate sex. Hate sex is all about giving in, exploiting weaknesses and taking out your frustration on each other. We don’t care what your boss looks like—this is not about attraction. It’s about revenge. When you wake up the next morning, you will feel great because you had an awesome, diabolical ulterior motive. But not them—they will curse themselves for giving in to you. This places you in power. Your boss has no choice but to quit being a huge asshole to you, because if you want, you can tell all your coworkers about it at anytime, thereby further demeaning their authority. Only use this one if your boss is really satanic—this one can cause serious drama.

Kill it at work Your boss may be able to treat you like shit, but they can’t do anything about it if you’re crushing it at work. You need to somehow find a way to make yourself indispensible at work in order to get back at them in this way. Do this by going the extra mile, putting in extra effort, having a great attitude, nev-

er complaining or asking for time off, asking for extra responsibility and gaining as much knowledge and experience as you can. Sounds like a lot of extra work right? Well, it is. But it’s the surest way to attain job security and status within your work place, and if you are a valuable, hard-working, reliable employee, your boss will end up actually needing you to support them. Power trip, anyone?

Report them to their boss Unless your boss is Donald Trump, your boss probably has a boss, too. Of course there are positions where your dick boss is at the top of the totem pole, and if that is the case, this one won’t work for you. But, more often than not, your boss has to report to the person who put them in their position. This is the person you go to with complaints. Regardless of whether or not you know the head honcho, write them a letter, or meet them in person to talk about the various injustices and asshole maneuvers your boss has been pulling lately. There is no doubt that your boss will get a talking to by their superior of some sort. It could be that they are so chummy that they just laugh off your issues, but even so, the whole point is to call the shenanigans of your boss to attention. Once they’ve been spoken to about what they’ve being doing wrong, they’re going to want to stop doing it.

Don’t take it personally—management is often the hardest position It could be that your boss is just an asshole to everyone, and their shitstorm may not necessarily be directed at you personally. Think about it. Management is by far the most stressful position in any workplace. Being “boss” means you are responsible for who knows how many other people, for meeting quotas, for making the customer/client/advertiser happy, and for making everything run smoothly. The scale of their problems goes way above and beyond yours. If you mess up, that’s on you. But if you mess up, it’s also on your boss, regardless if it’s their fault or not. So, it’s possible that the massive responsibilities associated with their job are so great that they react in a shitty way to everyone. If that’s so, just know that pretty much everyone has experienced their wrath, and you are not the only one. See if there is

anything you can do to ease their stress, and whether or not that has any bearing on the inane qualities of your boss. If it doesn’t, they can go screw themselves.

Be incredibly nice to them in front of other people Your boss may be mean to you in front of others, which can totally be humiliating and crushing to your self-esteem. But do not let anyone know how hurt or embarrassed you are. Take responsibility for your actions and respond to your boss in the most respectful manner possible. Do this in public. This will make you seem like someone who has overcome shame and embarrassment, and who radiates kindness and understanding in the face of adversity. And what of your dick boss? They’ll look like they overreacted and made a poor judgment of calling you out in public. And? They’ll seem like an even bigger asshole than before to others, which will villain-ize them and glorify you. Good job.

If it’s an option, be mature and sit down to talk with them But you have to really be smart about when, how and where you do it. Let a few incidences between you build up over time, so it doesn’t seem like you’re overreacting about one thing in particular. Then, reference these events during your talk. Do not accuse them of anything. Start out with some positives first before you go into why you’re having trouble working with them. For example, start with, “You are under so much pressure, and I think you’re doing a great job” (lies). Then, lightly fade into what your issue with them is. Say you wanted to be honest with them for the good of the company. Mention that you would never want your job performance to be compromised by interpersonal issues, or whatever bullshit makes sense at the time. Just make sure to make it clear that you really care about your job and the place you work and you want to fix your relationship to make it better. Instantly, this places your boss in a defensive position, in which they have to account for their actions. Forgive them (even if you want to punch them), and thank them for talking with you. If all else fails, at least you know you tried this mature option. 53

Rooster Games

Question of the month:

Ups and Downs Common sense isn’t so common.

What’s the next best idea for a reality TV show? Desperate Crackwives of Reno —Lance Lynch 16 and High —Royal Carson Just a documentary on girls who wear yoga pants. —Bob Bogdan The making of a major music festival, from start to finish. These events always tend to be pretty epic, I would love to see everything that goes into putting on such big productions! And then watch everyone get hyphey. —Leeanne Whittaker Fear Factor, but all the contestants are on hallucinogens. —Keith Jensen Caged hipster spork deathmatch. —Drew Rotman Fat Kids, Small Hallways —Eric Lyons True life: I’m Addicted to Dubstep —Jake Coller

Girls Around Me App

Facebook Addiction Disorder

It was only a matter of time before one of the many sexless computer programmers took matters into their own hands and built an app for their failing love life. In Russia, app developers struck a nerve with every woman on the entire planet when they introduced the Girls Around Me App. Using a combination of Google maps, Foursquare and Facebook, GAM locates girls in surrounding bars by accessing their foursquare updates, then checks their Facebook to confirm single status, and finally GAM supplies all interactive creepers with a detailed map pinpointing the location of the young fawn. However deplorable one finds this act of stooping, it’s astonishing that we live in a world when social networking and technology have come together to provide innovations in social interactions such as hunting for single ladies and for that, we give this a thumbs up.

Besides jealousy, hours of wasted time and the ability to efficiently stalk individuals, there’s a new bi-product of obsessive Facebooking, a psychological disorder. According to recent polls, 80% of Facebook users suffer from what psychiatrists refer to as Facebook Addiction Disorder. Symptoms of FAD include letting Facebook interfere with your sleep or work, spending more than one hour on the site per day and having a looming fear or panic at the slightest thought of deleting your account. Psychiatrists have gone as far as to say the addiction to Facebook rivals that of cigarettes or alcohol. Upon hearing that half our staff suffered from a psychological disorder which posed a threat to the work environment, we fired half our staff while giving the other half raises and for this, we give FAD a thumbs up.

Kind of like Big Brother but with hateful, southern, divorced, ex-couples with a limitless supply of hard liquor. —Dylan Highland Stoner Chef. Two stoners rip a keef bong and enter the arena. 20 minutes to make the ultimate Munchie food using the secret ingredient. First secret ingredient is crumbled up Doritos. —Stu Williams Life of artists on the road! What it’s like to be a traveling artist (DJs or whoever). —Simonne Solitro

Sudoku

Dancing with the Hologram Stars, featuring Tupac —Tanya Jimenez

Jokes Lawyers Love Their Families A local United Way officer realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um ... no.” The lawyer interrupted, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rose in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep said simply, “I had no idea...” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Love Dress A young girl got married and a few days later her mother came to visit. When she arrived, she was shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. “What are you doing?” yelled her mother. “Mom, it’s my love dress! Don’t you like it?” “I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over,” replied her mother, who turned and left for the car. A few weeks later, the mother arrived at her daughter’s house. Again, she was shocked when her naked daughter answered the door to greet her. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!” “I’ll give you a few more weeks,” replied her mother, as she turned and left for the car. Later that night, the mother decided to try it for herself. When her husband arrived home, she greeted him at the front door in the nude. “Honey, what are hell are you doing!” yelled the husband. “It’s my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?” “Well, to be perfectly honest,” replied her husband, “I think you should have ironed it first.”

Rooster Jokes

Caption Contest Winner: My dad insisted on taking all my senior pictures! —Chase Logan Ok, now slowly soften your gaze to my dick. Yes that’s right, focus on the bulge. Good, good. —Kelsey Samuels Au Natural Outdoor Photography, now offering special packages. —Michaela Miyoko

{

Think you’re funny? Submit a caption better than ours to win prizes in the next issue to RoosterMagazine@gmail.com.

{

CSU: Institution of Higher Learning Rooster did a little eavesdropping on campus. Here’s what we heard. “I could look at this tapestry for hours. I’m not even on acid. It’s such a simple pattern, but it’s so clever.” “I’m having my first fucking threesome. It’s my fucking birthday. Get the fuck out!”

“Nobody has died from touching themselves too much.” “I have a feeling I would eat my young if I gave birth to a litter.”

“You look like Brokeback’s bitch.”

“It’s a beautiful day to soak up some sun, be with friends and puke on a rooftop bar.”

“Laser tag is the only time that dubstep is acceptable in public for an extended period of time.”

“I won’t regret these memories.” “But you’ll regret letting me videotape them.”

“I’m not gay, but Jake Gyllenhaal’s cock has to be nice.” “If your dick is in public, you’re a sex offender.” “You would be the best call girl ever. And I say that sincerely.” “They aren’t randoms. They’re priors.” “I’d pay top dollar for you in a Russian brothel.”

“I thought my last semester of college would read like a Bucket List of blowing cocaine off tits and narrowly escaping arrest, not research papers and crying over graduation announcements.” “The only Hunger Games I’m participating in is my adderall binge.” “I thought tying his tie would be really sexy, but then I almost choked him. And not in the good way that he’s into.”

Rooster LOUNGE

Drinking Game: Name Game Supplies: Beer and people In usual drinking game fashion, everybody sits in a circle, and someone starts by saying the name of someone famous, or pretty close to being famous. The next person says a name that starts with the first letter of the last name of the previous name. Sound confusing? Not really. Mel Brooks | Bart Simpson | Sam Donaldson | Dick Vitale | Vincent Price

If a player can’t think of a name IMMEDIATELY, they must consume for the DURATION until they can think of an appropriate name. Play never stops, it is always moving. Now, if someone says a name that begins with the same letter on first and last names (ie: Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse) or is a single name (ie: Madonna, Cher) then the direction of the circle changes. For example: Michelle Pfeiffer | Patty Duke | Donald Duck | (direction change) Davy Jones | Jesus (direction change) | Jim Morrison | Mike Tyson

College Confessions Forgive me, Rooster, for I have sinned. First time for everything

I’d moved to a new town and was suffering from a very long dry spell of no guys in my life. For a girl, that can be a very tough experience. One Monday night, I went out with my friends and it turned out that a group of European men were in town for a rugby tournament and looking to be shown around town. Although I was new, I obliged and took them on a tour. One of the guys was so hot and into me that I made it immediately aware to him that I was interested. We ditched the party and went back to his place where we got it on. Right before he was about to come, he pulled out and shot it all over my stomach. I had never had this happen and my first instinct was to get it off me. So I splashed it back at him and it sprayed all over him. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy. He left my house and that was the last time I saw him. Ironically, I was able to sleep alone that night in peace. It felt good.

Dipping in the cookie jar

I’ve had my job for about two years and I love what I’m doing. The other night during our office party, my boss’s sister came through to celebrate with us. She was really good looking. Young, petite and obviously ready to party. It was evident from the moment we started talking that she was into me. I didn’t want to hook up with her because she was the boss’s sister but she wasn’t making it easy to turn away. As the night went on, we kept drinking and one thing led to another and we found ourselves in the bathroom going at it with passion. Someone knocked on the door and luckily I had locked it. When we finished, we put our clothes on and went back to the party, thinking we were sneaky. Unfortunately, most of the party had left except for my boss and a couple of the other workers. Judging by the sweat and ruffled clothes, my boss knew exactly what happened. Scared shitless I tried to play it off. It worked. My boss didn’t say anything and to this day, I still have my job.

Mixology: Tequila 101 Just like the French protect their quality champagne, Mexicans protect their quality firewater. Tequila can only be produced in Mexico, in the Tequila region, and must comply with strict government regulations. Where the Mexicans differ from the French is in production of their prized drink. The French would never allow a champagne to be 50 percent champagne and 50 percent sugar. The Mexicans… not so much. In order to satisfy global demand and a multitude of consumers’ preferences and tastes for the devil’s juice, tequila is produced in two general categories: tequila agave and tequila mixto. Tequila agave is the good stuff. It must be made of 100 percent blue agave juices and bottled at a distillery in Mexico. It comes in blanco, reposado and anejo varieties, which refer to the aging process. Once a little too pricey, tequila agave is now fairly affordable. Tequila mixto on the other hand is what you dump into the Margaritaville mixing machine. It must be made with at least 51 percent blue agave juices, with the other 49 percent coming from corn sugar. This tequila is often exported in bulk and bottled in other countries—often meaning less aging. Most mixtos are blanco, but some ad carmel coloring to make them look aged. Because of the short aging process and its secondary sugar source, it’s recommened you go with 100 percent agave.

The Expert’s Picks Margaritaville: Tequila mixto. Perfect for that big batch of margs—and for your friends who never pay but love to drink. Price: $11.49 Sauza Blue: Tequila agave. Larry’s top pick for value; often cheaper than those tequila mixtos you always wind up with, such as Jose Cuervo. Price: $18.99 Lunazul: Tequila agave. Larry’s favorite, Lunazul is priced within anyone’s budget. We recommend the four-shot-glass gift pack. Price $18.99 Arta Blanca: Tequila agave. Arta is the real deal of silver tequila. A step up in price with a significant difference in quality, Arta Blanca is your anecdote for the mediocre. Price $31.99 Corralejo Anejo: Tequila agave. Corralejo separates the adults from the children. You don’t put this in margaritas or take shots. You sip it. And enjoy feeling like the 1 percent. Price: $49.99

Photos

Rooster Fort Collins scene

Welcome

Ram Country

Tony’s

Steakout

Luscious Nectar 58

Washington’s

Rooster Fort Collins scene

The Yeti

Trailhead 60

Steakout

Rooster Fort Collins scene

100 Octane 62

Rooster Fort Collins scene

Rooster HAPPY HOUR

Rasta Pasta

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

3pm - 7pm

$2.50 Micros

200 Walnut Street 970-224-4323

5pm - 7pm

Drunken Monkey 151 S. College Ave 970-224-5272

Closed

ALL DAY Fuzzy’s Taco Shop 1335 West Elizabeth Street #125 970-407-8226

$2 Micro Brews Bottles and Drafts All Day

5pm - Close $1 Margs On The Rocks $1 Domestic Drafts $1.50 Tacos

6pm - 8pm Trivia Night

Open - 6pm $2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros 224 S. College Ave. $2 Wells 970-484-6969 $2 Bottles

Tony’s

$3 Margaritas $10 Corona Buckets

Open - 6pm $2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros $2 Wells $2 Bottles

5pm - 7pm

$3 Margaritas $10 Corona Buckets

7pm - 10pm

$2 Wells, Bingo 7-10P, Spinning Wheel Every 30 Mins for New Drink Specials

7pm - 10pm BINGO!

Open - 6pm $2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros $2 Wells $2 Bottles

8pm - close

$1 PBRs

5pm - Close $2 Frozen Margs $2 Domestics $3 Micros $1 Jello Shots

5pm - 7pm

$3 Margaritas $10 Corona Buckets

ALL DAY

Fiesta Friday: $2 Mexican Bottles & Drafts w/Purchase of Taco

8pm - Close Karakoe Night

Open - 6pm $2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros $2 Wells $2 Bottles

12pm -7pm

$3 Margaritas $10 Corona Buckets

10am - 6pm

$2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles $3 Micros $10 Mix and Match Buckets

Open - 6pm

$2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros $2 Wells $2 Bottles

All Day

1/2 Off PBR 1/2 Off Blue Moon 1/2 Coors

ALL DAY

$2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles $3 Micros $10 Mix and Match Bucket

Open - 6pm $2 Dom Drafts $2 Micros $2 Wells $2 Bottles

8pm - close

$6 Pitchers for pong

For changes or to list your business, please email us at CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

H o

k tea

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www.thealphacenter.org WE’RE HERE FOR YOU. 221-5121 across from the CSU track 1212 S. COLLEGE

Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday 3pm - 6pm

CB and Potts 1427 W. Elizabeth 970-221-5954

$2.99 Imperial Pints $2.99 Domestic Btls $2.99 Wells $3.99 Coronas and Corona Lights $4.50 House Margs, House Martinis both Gin and Vodka, Premium LIquors

3pm - 6pm $1 $1 The Rio $3 1101 Walnut Street $3 303-444-3690 $5

100 Octane 23 Old Town Square 970-224-0888

Off Rio margs Off Big Tex margs Drafts Tacos Appetizers

Closed

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails 235 Linden Street $1 Off Drafts 970-482-3786 $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

Luscious Nectar

Tuesday

3pm - 6pm

$2.99 Imperial Pints $2.99 Domestic Btls $2.99 Wells $3.99 Coronas and Corona Lights $4.50 House Margs, House Martinis both Gin and Vodka, Premium LIquors

3pm - 6pm $1 $1 $3 $3 $5

Off Rio margs Off Big Tex margs Drafts Tacos Appetizers

Wednesday 3pm - 6pm

$2.99 Imperial Pints $2.99 Domestic Btls $2.99 Wells $3.99 Coronas and Corona Lights $4.50 House Margs, House Martinis both Gin and Vodka, Premium LIquors

3pm - 6pm Daily Happy Hour Marg Madness $5 Rio Margaritas $6 Big Tex

Thursday

3pm - 6pm

$2.99 Imperial Pints $2.99 Domestic Btls $2.99 Wells $3.99 Coronas and Corona Lights $4.50 House Margs, House Martinis both Gin and Vodka, Premium LIquors

3pm - 6pm Daily Happy Hour

9pm -11pm

Threesome Thursdays

- College Night -

$4 Rio Margs $5 Burritos

Friday

Saturday

3pm - 6pm

$2.99 Imperial Pints $2.99 Domestic Btls $2.99 Wells $3.99 Coronas and Corona Lights $4.50 House Margs, House Martinis both Gin and Vodka, Premium LIquors

3pm - 6pm $1 $1 $3 $3 $5

Off Rio margs Off Big Tex margs Drafts Tacos Appetizers

OPEN TIL 12am

No Happy Hour

OPEN â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;til Midnight! More minutes morE margs!

Bar Level Open at 7pm

50 Cent Beers at 9pm Ladies drink free from 9-midnight

Spin the wheel for your nightly drink special

50 Cent Shot Special 9pm-midnight

Free keg tapped at 9pm

Flip Night. Flip a coin for your chance to win a a 50 cent single well or draft beer

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

No Happy Hour

www.

riograndemexican

Bar Level Open at 7pm

$3 32oz domestic drafts

Sunday

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

.com

No Happy Hour

3pm - 7pm

Buy One Get One Half Off: Frozen and Infused Cocktails $1 Off Drafts $2.50 Infused Shots $1 Off Tapas

For changes or to list your business, please email us at CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

Rooster HAPPY HOUR Monday Cheba Hut 104 E. Laurel Street 970-482-7867

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

4:20pm - 7:20pm

$2.50 Craft Brew Pints $2.00 PBR Tall Boys

6pm - Close

Steak Out Saloon

Tuesday

4:20pm - 7:20pm 4:20pm - 7:20pm $2.50 Craft Brew Pints $2.00 PBR Tall Boys

6pm - Close

$2 Micro Drafts

$2 Wells $2 Domestics

$2 Any Draft

$2.50 Jager Shots

152 West Mountain 970-416-5989

ALL DAY

$1.50 PBR Drafts Trailhead $2 Jager 148 West Mountain $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros 970-221-5757 $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

3pm - 6pm

Coopersmith’s 5 Old Town Square 970-498-0483

$3 Pints $2.50 Mugs $9 Pitchers Bargain Pool Prices

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

3pm - 6pm

$3 Pints $2.50 Mugs $9 Pitchers Bargain Pool Prices

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

3pm - 6pm

$3 Pints $2.50 Mugs $9 Pitchers Bargain Pool Prices

6pm - Close

$2.50 Local Micros $2.50 All Svedka Drinks

$2.50 Jager Shots

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

3pm - 6pm

$3 Pints $2.50 Mugs $9 Pitchers Bargain Pool Prices

6pm - Close

ALL DAY!

$2.50 Jack and Ginger $2.50 Select Micros

$2.50 Capt and Coke $2.50 7&7’s

$1.75 Dom Drafts

$2.50 Jager Shots

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

11am - 7pm

$1.50 PBR Drafts $2 Jager $2 Domestics $2.50 Micros $2.50 Wells $3 Calls

3pm - 6pm

$3 Pints $2.50 Mugs $9 Pitchers Bargain Pool Prices

No Happy Hour

For changes or to list your business, please email us at CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

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Taverna Greek Grill

$3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

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4235 S. College Ave 970-266-1798 $4 - $6 Small Plates Reverse Happy Hour 9pm - 11pm

3pm - 6pm $1,99 Miller High Life $1.99 PBR 354 Walnut Street $2.99 Original Margs 970-493-4440

Armadillo

Road 34 1213 W. Elizabeth 970-221-3434

Tuesday

4pm - 9pm $3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

3pm - 6pm

Wednesday

Thursday

$3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

4pm - 9pm

3pm - 6pm

4pm - 9pm

3pm - 6pm

$3 Wells $3 All Drafts $3 House Wine $3 Sangira

$4 - $6 Small Plates

Reverse Happy Hour 9pm - 11pm

Friday

4pm - 9pm $3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

3pm - 6pm $3 Wells $3 All Drafts $3 House Wine $3 Sangira $4 - $6 Small Plates

Saturday

4pm - 9pm $3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

3pm - 6pm

Sunday

4pm - 9pm $3 Long Islands $3 Double Wells $8 Micro Pitchers $6.50 Domestic Pitchers $3 Micros

3pm - 6pm

$3 Wells $3 All Drafts $3 House Wine $3 Sangira

$4 - $6 Small Plates

Live Music starts at 7:30pm

Reverse Happy Hour 8pm - 11pm

Reverse Happy Hour 9pm - 11pm

Sopapilla Saturdays

3pm - 6pm

All Day

$1,99 Miller High Life $1.99 PBR $2.99 Original Margs

4pm - 8pm

$2.50 Wells $2 Select New Belgium abd Drafts

4pm - 8pm $2.50 Wells $2 Select New Belgium abd Drafts

Fajita Fridays

4pm - 8pm

$2.50 Wells $2 Select New Belgium abd Drafts

For changes or to list your business, please email us at CSU.Rooster@gmail.com.

May Hookup Horoscopes Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 This is your month to explore new horizons. With graduation coming up, you’ll be opened up to a world of possibilities—even if you aren’t going to be raging at the Sink ‘til 4 a.m. anymore. Focus on those people around you who make you feel blissed out and peaceful. Take a leap of faith and you will find that your feelings of hesitation or uncertainty will fade away and the rewards will bring a smile to your face.

Pisces

Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. That’s the motto our parents lived by, right? Well now it’s your chance to engage in the same. For those of you graduating, it’s time to let your hair down and let loose. That hot chick or sexy hunk of man meat will be drawn to your alluring sense of freedom. Enjoy the sunshine, slather on some oil and get a nice base tan—we hear Jersey Shore is looking for a replacement for the “Situation” who recently checked into rehab.

Aries

Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 Spring is upon us, so what better time to pick up a new hobby? Whether it be yoga or exploring the depths of your inner sexual beast (we recommend the latter), take a gander and push yourself to new boundaries. Embracing your inner freak is never a bad thing. Why not have a little fun and try something new, like nipple claps? Just sayin’.

Taurus Apr. 20 - May 20

As the stars align, Venus will enter your sphere of influence, making this the perfect time to put your love life in high gear. This means that your inner personality will draw those who are attracted to your individual qualities. Take advantage of this occasion by cutting loose and sharing your insights and intellectual passions with those you desire. In doing so, you will build the foundation for an intense physical relationship. 68

Gemini May 21 - Jun. 21

Now that 420 is said and done with, it’s time to get this show on the road. You have been faced with many choices lately, small and big, but now is the time to actually make a decision. Being open-minded is key; don’t disregard something just because it’s out of your daily routine. Maybe this time when you catch yourself eye-banging your hot TA, you’ll do something about it.

Cancer Jun. 22 - Jul. 22

As a Cancer, you’re extremely intuitive when it comes to recognizing signs of interest or attraction from others. This should be all you need to take the initiative and start a flirtatious conversation, but sometimes you’re overly cautious and avoid taking risks. You tend to regret the situations when you didn’t follow your instincts more than the times you took a risk and lost. Remember, the fun and excitement of flirting comes from the rush you get from taking risks by putting yourself on the line.

Leo

Jul. 23 - Aug. 22 It’s that time of year when everyone is itchin’ for some lovin’. Walking on the Hill is like a breeding ground for sexual tension, and hump day is no longer just in the middle of the week. Since last month was kind of a dry spell for you, it’s time to get back in the game. Throw back a couple shots and get that liquid courage. Let your inner lion roar and unleash the sexual beast that you are.

Virgo

Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 You’re sexy and you know it, but has your love interest taken note? It’s time to ramp up the sex appeal, Virgin. Try something new like edible underwear or pants that accentuate your ass more—maybe those hipsters are on to something. Shake that money maker and get yourself some play every weekend.

Libra

Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 That funky stench in your room isn’t just from the Thai food you ordered last week—it’s the glorious odor of your life crying for a total clean up. This month is an opportunity for you to take back your life and give it a makeover. Like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, but without the fake lashes and stilettos. Finding that balance again is what will keep you sane this month during finals.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Even though it’s well into the year, it’s never too late to actually follow through with those long lost New Year’s resolutions. For starters, let’s consider your drinking habits. We all know that CU has a reputation for partying and with this year’s crack down on the 420 festivities it may be time to reconsider those drunken decisions too. Take off your goggles and be aware of your surroundings—you never know who’s scoutin’ you out from across the bar.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Spring break was fun, but now we’re coming up on another Fort Collins summer. Considering you have lost your tan that you so nicely acquired on the beach, it’s time to whip out the baby oil and baste like your grandma’s Thanksgiving turkey. While you strut your stuff on campus, be aware that someone has taken notice of your seemingly flawless tan job. Be open to meeting new people, and maybe that baby oil can be used for more than just tanning.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Don’t get caught up in the web of lies that seems to be cluttering your social life. Take a step back and make time for yourself. Sometimes letting loose isn’t such a bad thing—give into your inhibitions and treat yourself to some selflovin’. If that’s not your style, there’s always late nights at the strip clubs.

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Become a Member & Receive: Store Credit, Honey Oil Joints monthly, Free Haircuts and Massage, and 10% off everything every day. Call for details.

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