SHS Scallion 2014 by Eloika Rozendaal

FROM THE EDITORS

Table of Contents Horoscopes..................................3 News...........................................4 World News.................................6

Features.....................................10 Entertainment............................12

The Scallion

April 1, 2014

Letter from the Editors We welcome you, reader, from both the turbulent 1700s war of American independence, and from the 1900s humble town of Twin Peaks. This edition of The Scallion is brought to you by our fellow agents...er, writers, and explores the depth of human character. Inside, you will find exposés of Sunset’s teachers, never-before-seen scoops on celebrities, and the latest in international news. This year, we stray away from the world of superheroes and do-gooders, and trek into the world of secrets and espionage. Have you heard the news? Amit Kobrowski was born with those arms. Have you heard the news? Russian President Vladimir Putin was caught in a sex scandal with the ex-Ukrainian President Yanykovych. Have you heard the news? Kanye West is engaged to none other than the all-powerful Yeezus himself. Rumor has it that Justin Bieber is relevant again. April Fools. In all seriousness, we ensured that this issue represents the honesty and sincerity of each individual in our files. A large portion of the material presented to you comes straight from the depths of The Scroll’s databases, and this is the first time that we are allowing such sensitive information to see the light of day. With utmost courtesy, we ask that you please refrain from flash photography. Thank you readers for picking up this edition of your school newspaper. We hope you are neither offended nor bored by it, and that you will consider donating money to us. If you do, the executives will finally be able to afford that jumbo jet we’ve been wanting. Anyway, happy reading! From Russia With Love,

Opinion.......................................14 Sponsors.....................................15

War-Spy/ Traitor Benedict Arnold and Special Agent Dale Cooper

Spot the Difference......................16

**Notice to future advertisers: Due to legal disputes regarding the authenticity of the alphabet, The Scroll is no longer sponsored by the letter “Z.”

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HOROSCOPES

April 1, 2014

April Horoscopes Ria Chang, Veronica Mars

Aries March 21-April 19 You have the soul of an artist and a unique perspective. You arts this month, although if you extend this aspiration to your college major, you will really just end up studying unemployment.

Leo

Cancer You’ve been worrying about your somewhat fragile social status, so be wary. One small mistake could lead to your social downfall this month. To avoid your impending doom, try switching back from Facebook to Myspace. Libra Stop

Taurus April 20-May 20 Change is in your future. Embrace it! If you want a hint of what to expect, try reading a horoscope or ful when determining your absolute future.

Learn to let go of your pride. No one thinks you’re as cool ly now that you’ve been caught reading this.

everything

If you hurt yourself doing something this month, try not to do it again. The alignment of Mercury with Mars suggests that upon repeating a past action that caused pain, you will feel that same pain once more. Virgo Keep searching for your significant other! Venus’ position in the sky suggests that any romantic encounters you may have this month has a 99% chance to be absolutely fruitless.

Scorpio keeping

Gemini

If you’re hoping for some success in your future, you can start by hitting the gym more often...

Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 let it show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know.

case of emotion and you may explode. Capricorn

Aquarius

You’re only stressing yourself out more by actually worrying

Have a feeling that you need to make more friends? You might as well just not try. No-

anxious you’re even looking at phony horoscopes. Chill out and have fun while you still can!

you’re going to die alone and unhappy.

Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 To justify the stupid stuff you do, #YOLO will be your motto this month. Whether or not it may lead to your impeding doom is dependent on how many times you tweet it.

Mora Camplair, Agent Julia Child Sunset librarian, Pamela Bothwell is unveiled as a former TSA lance systems. Detectives revealed that she worked as a Transportation Semanner. The career change is a result of Bothwell’s dislike for the masculine uniforms. No wonder Bothwell’s next career was at the library, where she tirelessly works to keep all food, drinks and students Bothwell shows no signs of restraint as she plans to increase regulations during the spring of 2014. Students need to be prepared to have their ID’s ready for entrance, bags to be x-rayed and respect Ms. Bothwell warns a student of the impending deadline when food laws will be the new capacity of 45 students in the library at all times. more strongly enforced. As of Spring 2014 Sunset will require all students to have “Failure to comply with these terms will result in federal ac- to go through bag checks before entering the library. Photo by John Freeman tion,” warns Bothwell.

NEWS

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IB Bio students create clones using gum Starbucks Braden Prillwitz, Austin â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dangerâ&#x20AC;? Powers

April 1, 2014

releases

Maggie Vanoni, Agent Smalls

Photo by: Victoria Prence

Principal involved in handshake injury Jenny Fessler, Benedict Arnold

An injured student is -

Photo by: John Freeman

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April 1, 2014

NEWS

Student lost in ‘Dance of the Decades’ time machine for

Sharada Menon, Miss Marple A

local woman stran-

Kim Possible -

Sunset

students

given

‘Comfort

Agent Severus Snape -

Cats’

WORLD NEWS

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April 1, 2014

Vladimir Putin’s affair with Viktor Yanukovych discovered Shreyans Khunteta,

dear Viktor,” said Putin, his tone s of steel softening slightly, “then I shall. And nobody can stop m e.” Thr ough tear s, UN Secr etar y Gen er al Ban Ki- m oon sniffled, “ I’m so rry really, it’s just so beautiful. Le t them take Crimea. I’m not goin g to be the one to stop a love story. ” Moon then went on to say that h e had shipped Putin and Yanukovyc h “from day one” and that he love d

R u s s i a n P resident Vladimir Putin w a s e x p o s e d i n a recently leaked tape o f h im s e l f a n d fo rme r U krai ni an P resi d e n t Vi k t o r Ya nukovych. This has cast d o u b t o n t h e controversial anti-gay l a w s h e h a s r e cently passed, but Putin h a s d e f e n d e d himself by stating that d ivin e - h u m a n re l ati on sh i ps w ere dif f e re n t f r o m m ere man -on -ma n o n es. “ A s s o m e one beyond mere h u m a n i t y, I b e lieve my relationship is p e r f e c t l y s a n cti on e d by the Univ e rs a l G o d . Me .” P uti n sa i d, starin g intensely at th e rep o rter. P u t i n ’s r e c e n t d i v o r c e s e e m e d a m y s t e r y, but in light of t his new i n f o r m ation, answers are b e g in n i n g to be co me cl ear. Ya nukovych, for hi s part, i s the re c e n t l y o u s t e d president of Ukraine. Sh o r t l y a f t e r hi s do w nfa l l , P u ti n inv a d e d C r i m e a. Originally, political s c i e n t i s t s w e re baffled as to why, b u t c l e a r l y i t w a s a gi ft fo r h i s ups e t b e l o v e d . I t l e n d s a se n se o f poe t r y t o t h e s i t uation, as Crimea was o r i g i n a l l y g i v e n to Ukraine during a r o m a n t i c m e eting between Soviet Yanukovynch looks at Putin with longing in his eyes. G e n e r a l S e c r e tary Nikita Khrushchev Putin recently invaded Crimea to win it back for his a n d h i s t r u e l ove , Ma d a me Vo d ka. lover. Photo by: Taylor Ketchum “ I f I w i s h to return Crimea to

this pairing even more than he loved D av i d C am er on w i th N i c k C l egg. The Crimean Russians, who make up 60 per c ent of the l oc al popul a tion, have responded with significant joy that Putin has acquired himself a w or thy m ate. H ow ev er, the C r i m e a n Ta t a r s , w h o m a k e u p 1 2 p e r c e n t of the population, are alarmed by thes e new dev el opm ents . C r i m e a n Ta t a r s a r e a M u s l i m g r o u p w h o are generally anti-Russian, and they have spoken out against the tw o l ov er s and Puti n’s w eddi ng gi ft. In response, Putin replied “They are foolish to resist. I shall forgive them once proper blood is shed. Som e r ed i s needed for the w ed di ng dec or ati ons ,” he s ai d, s tar ing at the reporter until our reporter fel t hi s s k i n l i ter al l y s tar t to s i z z l e. President Obama gave an official statement: “I believe that Mr. Putin and Mr. Yanukovych are rushing into this. I feel they need to spend more time to get to know each other before they just hurry into such a relationship.” he said, echoing the concern of many other Western leaders. Whatever the case is, the Crimean Red Wedding will be a night to remember. And like other Red Weddings, it will be appropriately bloody and pai nful , as i s the R us s i an w ay.

N u d e Z e a l a n d r e f o r m s e n t i r e c o u n t r y, p o l i c i e s Natalie Valent,

this country into a nudist colony,” said former Prime Minister John Key. “Those British cerNudity may be controversial tainly know how to persuade in most parts of the world, but someone. It’s about time that the newly colonized Nude Zea- the citizens of Nude Zealand land accepts it. Both the former embrace their true selves” Prime Minister and everyday Other former government citizens are wholehearted- officials from Nude Zealy excited about the new law. land don’t find the deal Formerly known as New quite as appealing as Key. Zealand, Nude Zealand is “Although I think the idea is now Great Britain’s colo- quite adventurous and enterny once again. Great Brit- taining, our economy will sufain paid no money for the fer because jobs will be lost country, as the former Prime in several clothing businessMinister simply couldn’t re- es, which will in turn affect sist transforming his former our new home country, Great country into a nudist locale. Britain,” said Jerry Matepar“I was just so excited to turn ae, former Governor-General.

Key rejects Mateparae’s theory because Nude Zealand, estimated by Key, should bring in 10 times the amount of revenue in tourism that it did before. Great Britain initially wanted to recolonize this land for leisure purposes. The new nudist colony will be used for a new vacation hot-spot for many successful Englishmen and their families during cold English winters. “It’s just nice to know that the people of England now have a place where they can go relax and be themselves,” said Prince William of Cambridge. “This colony looks to eliminate harsh social pres-

sures as well as provide a fun place to venture to.” The appeal of a no-judgement vacation and nudist colony is starting to reach other countries including the United States. In fact, the Department of Tourism estimated that most people traveling from the United States will go to Nude Zealand because of the intrigue. Nude Zealand is embracing nudity with a very positive outlook from both the citizens and its former government. While it may be colder because clothes are now banned, the citizens are excited about no longer being judged.

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April 1, 2014

WORLD NEWS

F a c e b o o k b u y s C a t h o l i c C h u r c h f o r $ 19 b i l l i o n connecting traditional Catholic values with pop culture is now possible through his signing with Facebook. On Feb. 9 Facebook bought the Zuckerberg explained in an inCatholic Church, under Pope Fran- terview last Wednesday that, cis’ leadership, for just $19 billion– a “Pope Francis’s growing populariprice that makes investors cringe. ty was the primary reason for FaceThe contract was developed in book’s interest in the investment.” mid-December, the same month that Most investors perceive the price Pope Francis was spotted at Face- tag of $19 billion as a steal for Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg’s book and a sign of weakness in the house in Palo Alto, CA. The two Catholic Church. Financial analyst spent nearly an entire week togeth- Cheryl Thomas is one of the stroner, a week that got tabloid headlines gest critics of the Pope’s naivety. buzzing and curious fans question“Within the last year Facebook’s ing the nature of their relationship. stock value has increased exponenMuch to the dismay of paparazzi, it tially and is easily the most visited turns out that they were simply dis- site worldwide. My guess is that Facecussing the details of the contract. book will remain a top site for the next “Pope Francis and I had our minds 30 years or so,” says Thomas. “This set on a similar goal: to bring as not only makes Zuckerberg appear fimuch of the world together as pos- nancially restrained, but also uncovsible, whether it is via religion or so- ers the Pope’s greedy and despercial media,” says Zuckerberg. “Both ate attempt to expand his following.” were created for the same reason.” Another damaging outcome of It was just over one year ago that the contract is that other religious Pope Francis took power over the organizations, such as the Church Catholic Church, resulting in com- of Latter-Day Saints and Hindu Templete control over youth culture of ples (who were initially interested in Pope Francis and Mark Zuckerberg are now able to reach today. Pope Francis is best known Facebook signings), are now looking for his extremely liberal support of to other corporations like Myspace olic Churches will soon be displaying a stain glass recongay rights and radical promotion of and AOL Messenger in hopes of in- struction of the Facebook ‘Like’ logo. Photo by: Haily Hargrave communist economics. His goal of creasing profit and their fan base.

Mora Camplair, Agent Julia Child

DOUBLE TRUCK

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April 1, 2014

Photos by: Haily Hargrave, John Freeman and Taylor Ketchum

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April 1, 2014

DOUBLE TRUCK

Taylor

FEATURES

Swift

Miss congeniality asks: Hi Taylor! I’m one of the most popular girls in school. Recently, I began talking to this guy in my advanced math class who is super nerdy and in a totally different social group than me, but he’s so cute and really nice. I have a feeling that he likes me, but I don’t know if it would be awkward for us to date given that he is not friends with my friends. What would your do in my situation? Dear Miss congeniality, What are you thinking?!? One of the biggest qualities you should look for in boys is status! I’ve dated some of the most famous boys in Hollywood and there is no other way to go. Popular boys are the only people who will understand what it’s like for you. Don’t let a loser bring you down. Look for boys on the football team or, as a last resort, try another

answers

your

relationship

me around the school. I don’t know what it is that I did, or why she hates me so very much, but I need this to stop right now. What do you think that I should say to her? Dear Cheated heart broken and sad, I’m going to need you to stop right there and take a look at yourself. Why do you think your girlfriend cheated on you? Probably because you were a horrible boyfriend as men usually are. Did you take her on a canoe trip on a rainy day to reenact “The Notebook”? On Valentine’s Day did Swift gives meaningful advice to young you spell her name in rose petals fans. She plans to become a school and rent the whole movie thecounselor when her singing career ends. ater so you two could be alone? Photo courtesy of wikipedia.org No? I didn’t think so. Imagine member of student leadership. how she is feeling right now. You Cheated heart broken need to apologize with a grand and sad asks: Taylor, I need romantic gesture, and maybe if your support. Last week I found you’re lucky she’ll take you back. out my girlfriend was cheating Letsstayfriends asks: Hey on me, and now she has been Taylor I just broke up with my spreading mean rumors about boyfriend, and I’m super sad, but

Amelia Turnquist, Agent 00000007 A new drug believed to be as potent as Walter White’s cream of the crop is sweeping the nation, leaving strung out teens and adults in its wake. Those who demonstrate two or more of these symptoms should be quarantined immediately; even the utterone suffering from a mild case of boredom. 1. The Ear Plug: Many addicts enter conversations with their ears plugged isode of “The Walking Dead” they most recently watched to avoid any rogue spoilers. 2. Loss of Hygiene: Addicts frequently sport hair that sticks up in oddly angled, greasy spikes from laying on the straight (typically a sweatshirt embroidered with Buster Bluth’s smiling visage). 3. Nocturnality: Junkies usually stay up so late watching “House of Cards” that they eventually become nocturnal and bring

questions!

he says he wants to stay friends. I’m willing to give it a try because we were friends before, and don’t just want to cut him out of my life. Have you ever had an ex that you’ve stayed friends with? Dear Let’s stay friends, If this boy broke your heart then you shouldn’t even think about being his friend. If he was a bad boyfriend, what makes you think your friendship will be more successful? For this reason, I have never ever ever stayed friends with an ex. I prefer to give them a taste of their own medicine. The best way to get over a boy is to expose their flaws to the whole world. I usually do this through a song, but you can choose your own method. Try telling everyone how he is the worst boyfriend ever over the school intercom at lunch or imitating him in the school talent show. Sometimes two wrongs do make you feel alright.

4. Lack of social life: Addicts begin to blow off all of their friends to watch another episode of “Gossip Girl” and suddenly become the focus of their community’s rumors. To combat their social deprivation, they begin to think Georgina Sparks is their new best friend--which would be a bad move even if Sparks were real. commonly have vitamin D deficiency (although they may just be an Oregonian), bloodshot eyes (although they may have different kind of addiction), cramped legs which add a pained limp to their gait and a pathological fear of actual human contact. If anyone is suffering from this devastating addiction, please call our cent of the coming generation will be born with an help lines at 1-800-IMA-ADCT for enaddiction, having osmosed the poisonous effects of couragement and advice from rehabilibinge-watching television through the womb. tated Netflix junkies. If no one answers a pillow and a sleeping bag to work or the line, it’s likely that the operator has relapsed into their “Doctor Who” obsession; in which case, try calling again.

The Scallion

April 1, 2014

FEATURES

Episode recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Sunset High’

O’Hara, Waggoner and Rios are taking the world of reality TV by storm. The three starletts have raked in awards worldwide for there performance as the youngest housewives on TV. Photo by: John Freeman

Sage Steineke, The Great Mouse Detective Last night on the season premiere of “The Real Housewives of Sunset High,” fans were introduced to the elite social circle of Portland’s most prestigious school. The leading ladies featured Natalia Rios, the saucy Colombian; Meredith Waggoner, the prima donna; and Regan O’Hara, the Texan diva with big lips and even bigger hair. The episode kicked off with an inside look at O’Hara’s famous plete with mini bar and gift shop, the closet is one of Portland’s major from, O’Hara revealed that that the rest of her family is now living in the home’s garage to provide the necessary room for her closet’s expansion. After O’Hara’s wardrobe tour comes to an end, the show transitions to Waggoner’s cringe-worthy audition for the high school play. The tryouts begin well as Waggoner is offered the lead immediately, but things take a turn for the worse when she tries to audition for a second, and then third part. Once the director realizes that she intends to land the role of every character in the play, he informs her that it is not a one-woman show. Upon hearing this, Waggoner refuses to participate entirely and is heard muttering a string of profanities as she runs off stage. Following Waggoner’s dramatic exit, the show shifts its focus to lapses and an attempt to sell the family dog, friends and family decided it was time for Rios to face her caffeine addiction. Upon entering the house and seeing her parent’s tear-stained faces, Rios darts upstairs and beto escape through the bathroom window with her espresso maker but is

caught and safely hauled to rehab where she is to spend the next week. In the closing scene of the episode the three girls come together for dinner to celebrate Rios’ return. Once dinner is served, O’Hara announces to the table that she is leaving the show to join the cast of “Dance Moms.” While Waggoner is happy to have one less person to share her spotlight deadly hair pull and fans are shocked when a Bump-it comes off in her hand, revealing the true secret behind O’Hara’s voluminous bouffant. With a shocked gasp from O’Hara, the episode comes to an abrupt close leaving viewers with a jaw-dropping cliffhanger. Will Waggoner stop the -

caffeine rehab, Rios has also served time in anger managment classes with big name celebrities like Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown, and Justin Bieber. Photo by: John Freeman

ENTERTAINMENT

The Scallion

April 1, 2014

Obama becomes new host of ‘The Bachelor’ reality show endorser of butter, slavery

Fiona Bandettini, Agent Princess

Tiana De La Rosa, Mrs. Smith Paula

Deen

recent-

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ENTERTAINMENT

April 1, 2014

West announces new wedding plans without Kardashian Hannah Dodge, Agent Cody Banks Hip-hop artist Kanye West announced last week that the buzz-worthy engagement and highly anticipated wedding between himself and Kim Kardashian has been called off. The news stunned fans at his Atlantic City, NJ concert on Feb. 22 when West added that he is, in fact, planning to marry himself. When West carried out an intricate, over-the-top proposal to Kardashian on Oct. 21 at the famous AT&T Park in San Francisco, media and paparazzi were in a frenzy to capture every waking moment of the couple thereafter. “It was the proposal of the year, a perfect beginning to the love story between two of pop-culture’s hottest people,” said an E!News representative one week after the “Kimye” engagement. According to a fan who attended his concert the night of the reveal, West went into detail about his long-term struggle with comprehending and accepting his “natural beauty” and “God-like persona.” After dealing with the inner conflict for years, West came to the conclusion that his only option was to marry himself. When asked to comment on West’s plans, Kardashian stated that

‘Yeezus’ embraces the crowd’s cheers at his Feb. 22 concert. West revealed his marriage-to-self plans while on tour this year. Photo courtesy of nydailynews.com

she was not at all surprised with her former fiance’s radical life decision. “If I were half as beautiful, talented and successful as Kanye, I’d marry myself too! It would be like a—oh dang it, what’s that phrase again? A no-brainer!” said Kardashian to People magazine. “I’m not upset that he cancelled our wed-

This here is real. Earlier this year Sunset had a great showing at the regional Scholastic Art Awards. All students whose works were awarded a gold key at the regional level were then submitted to a national jury. A very special congratulations to the following students who received National Scholastic Art Awards recognition. Robert Erwin, Gold Medal in Photography Yulie Park, Silver Medal in Drawing Alexis Rietze, Silver Medal in Digital Art Samantha Skiens, Silver Medal in Photography Lucy Stackhouse, Silver Medal in Digital Art Modina Kdep, Silver Medal in Creative Writing

ding and called off our relationship, I just want him to be happy. Besides, I get to be the assistant wedding planner’s righthand man, and that’s a lot more control than I had over our wedding planning.” Plans are already well underway, despite West’s intentions of having the wedding in April, 2032. So far, West’s purchases include eight hundred penguins, two of Taylor Swift’s award acceptance speeches and a one month rental of the moon. West turned down The Scallion’s offer for an interview—he also denied interviews from “Good Morning America” and the “Today Show,” The Scallion’s biggest news rivals—however each of our staff members promptly received a “pre-wedding notification” signed by “Yeezus.” “It’s incredibly impressive how detail-oriented Mr. West is,” said West’s publicist, Gabe Tesoriero, of Island Def Jam Music Group. “Sending out notifications long before the big event will keep it in peoples’ minds. But everyone should note that notification and invitation are not the same thing.” As West continues planning his self-to-self nuptials, gossip fanatics anxiously await next season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” for more details of his elaborate event.

OPINION

Hiefield’s

sweater

swagger,

The Scallion

April 1, 2014

beat

Cosby’s

wisdom

Jenny Fessler, Benedict Arnold It’s not everyday that someone strolls down the street. This

back then were the only sweaters on the West Coast that truly rivaled those of Cosby’s. I’ve been told I need to tone

reverent social studies and esteemed IB Theory of Knowl-

sibility leaks into many of his

comedian Bill Cosby. Mistaken for Cosby a total of 37 times since that fateful day in the nomenon to a whole new level. “I guess they’re attracted to my understated sense of humor and boyish charm. Either

ways. Even Cosby admits to ural ability to command a “He has a way with words. -

think of myself as more of a

comic or be casted as Cosby

Photo by: Victoria Pence

drome. According to E! News by himself came down with a case of mid-life crisis syn-

certain why they chose me for the show’s average ratings.

decked out in one of his tradeimage of the comedic legend.

Arizona to legalize gay marriage; what next, meth? ]Anamika Vaughan,

and ends with the destruction of mankind. 1. The Beginning: Mans’ inevitable end will start with homosexual marriage. They will

Special Agent Dale Cooper \

nel and enjoying all other luxuries of married life. -

different about today? There are still 33 states

5: The Destruction: The resistance will 2. The Conversion: Chaos will descend - fail. Tweakers and homosexuals will dominate all new districts as rival gangs. Secret are indirectly coerced into homosexuality by the allure of the unknown. Children’s

3. The Descent: Once the domestic as-

rights in love is far too much for the homosexu-

demand that other destructive vices be le-

termination will be enough to convince local and federal government that meth is also

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April 1, 2014