pg 2
Table
of
BURN BOOK
Contents
He’s from Africa, and he’s white ...........................................pg 3 On Wednesdays we wear purple ...........................................pg 3 Yeah, IB student skip class .................................................pg 4 Teachers are just like us ....................................................pg 4 Breaking: the limits of even have been found .........................pg 5 Sunset Feminist club converts to meninism ..........................pg 5 .........................pg 6 Joseph Peterson heroic saver or dictator ..............................pg 6 Students locked out of learning ...........................................pg 7 The guide to Sunset’s cafeteria ..................................pg 8 and 9 Regina knows best ..........................................................pg 10 Arellano and Hemsworth, star-crossed lovers .......................pg 11 Gang wreaks havoc in downtown Portland ...........................pg 11 Not too gay to function? ...................................................pg 12 Nolan accused of being a pusher ........................................pg 12 Sunset Confessions ..........................................................pg 13 Milo and Phil, the Lambach dwarfs .....................................pg 13 #TheBestInstaVentures Staff list
...................................................pg 14 ........................................................................pg 15
Thank you .......................................................................pg 15 Game ...........................................................................pg 16
CHECK US OUT ONLINE TOO!
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
Letter from the Editors Dear Readers, On behalf of the Sunset Scroll staff, we are thrilled to present this year’s Scallion edition! As many of you may have realized, our paper is a recreation of the infamous “Burn Book,” from the hit movie Mean Girls. Mean Girls came out in 2004, and remains a hilariously relatable representation of high school’s social dynamics and idiosyncrasies. We thought this would be a great platform on which to base our satirical stories. In the movie, the four mean girls, also known as “The Plastics,” create a “Burn Book,” where they record their opinions and gossip about other students and teachers. Although the majority of the scandalous stories were not true, there were truths to be found. This is the case with our Burn Book as well. We’ll leave Besides the fact that this theme allows us to create absurd stories, we also were drawn to the idea because our goal for this year is to focus on people and events within our school and community. We know that you can read world news and events in any publication, but only here in The Scroll will you Thank you for picking up this edition of the Scroll, and for reading our stories. We hope you have as much fun reading them as we did writing them!
Your Co-Editors-in-Chief,
&
@ thesunsetscroll.com photo by Madison Hernandez
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
BURN BOOK
pg 3
On Wednesday we wear purple If he’s from Africa, why is he white? Fiona Bandettini Princess
Amy Martin Airhead
If one does not wear a purple clothing item on any given Wednesday, he or she will not be able to sit with other students.
Bryan Lurie is a teacher of anthropology and freshmen historology here at Sunset. He’s a really great teacher who everyone likes. But what a bunch of people don’t even know is, he’s actually from Africa. That’s pretty crazy! “Africa is really very different from Portland. It’s been a transition for sure,” said Lurie. Yup, that’s right, he grew up in Africa, basically the other side of the country, but then he moved here. How weird it must have been to go from daily safaris and having lions and elefants in his backyard to now only seeing them in the Portland Zoo. He clearly adjusted really good, he has too kids with his wife and always remembers to speak english to his students. “I love it here, I have a great
life and a fantastic job,” said Lurie. Mr. Lurie helps all his students anthropologize and forgive each other, and has one of the most popular classes at sunset. Although I’m sure it was hard to grow up in another place, it hasn’t stopped him from becoming super important to all the ppl at sunset. “Mr. Lurie changed my life. I grew up in Seattle and I had a hard but Mr. Lurie is an inspiration to all of us foreign students.” said a student who wishes to remain anonymous. Lurie told us that what he mist most about africa were the really cool animals. Apparently Lion King really happened, and he got to watch it! The most intresting thing about Lurie is that his head went bald at the age of six because the sun burned all his hair off. This made it easier for his pet monkey to sit on top of his head during
Staff at Sunset wears purple to honor the new dress code. Students will soon be required to wear purple on Wednesdays. photo by Apollo Yearbook
“So, you should know, this is like a really huge deal.” Sunset’s dress code now includes Purple Wednesdays. This new rule boosts school spirit and displays Sunset pride, unifying the student body in a matching purple clique. It lets everyone come together as one. “You can’t sit with us at lunch if you’re not wearing purple on Wednesdays,” said Samantha Skiens, a Sunset senior. “We need to match.” If one does not wear a purple clothing item on any given Wednesday, he or she will not be able to sit with other students in The Commons. This rule is enforced by all staff members and administrators at Sunset.
“If someone does not take this dress code seriously, then there will be consequences,” said Sunset ASB Vice President Anna Stember. “I don’t want to have to go there.” Some Sunset students are enthusiastic to dress up in all purple, while others feel differently about it. This change brings mixed feelings to the Sunset campus. “I don’t like this new dress code. It’s unfair that all students are required to wear purple on Wednesdays,” said Sunset senior Emilee Phillips. “We are not able to freely express ourselves, which is our given American right.” While some of the students may not be in favor of this change, it allows the Sunset community to put issues aside and sit together.
Bryan Lurie enjoys a ride on his elephant through the savannah. Mr. Lurie used to go on adventures like this this every day when he lived in Africa. photo by Dan K. Memes
KALTEEN BARS The best in weight-gaining supplements Make Your Weight
BURN BOOK
pg 4
Sunset High School teachers: they’re actually just like us Emma Chesnut The Day-dreamer Admit it, we all know that teachers spend their free time grading tests and thinking imagine, teachers have social lives, and they
providing proof that teachers do have personal
In addition to the actions mentioned, teachers go to parties, play video games and Sunset teacher Andrew Brown proves he is in with student style as he sports new Beats headphones and a snapback. Brown was voted coolest teacher for being fresh AF. photo by Reed McIntire
Believe it or not, International Baccalaureate students skip class Lamisa Hasan Asian nerd
However, in light of recent events, it appears
It all started when IB Biology HL teacher
year program of internationally recognized internationally recognized program, this is the
This is a meme. A meme is a funny video, image, or piece of text that is copied and spread by Internet users. photo by Connor Coughlin
school stopped selling them, demand is high
BURN BOOK
Breaking:
the
limits
Ali Weide The Bookworm The world is being taken over by the “Can’t Even” epidemic. Teens everywhere are
of
even
pg 5
are
found
to
not
exist
follow people everywhere. “Sometimes when I try and do my Breiling. The answer to the problem is that the epidemic cannot be stopped. This has devastated
“Sometimes I Literally Die too, and it can be very stressful.”
others are optimistic. “I am a little disappointed that I will never longer have any false hope that I can recover. Connor.
to take over anyone at anytime. We were also interested as to why teens and those active on
“I am glad to no longer have any false hope that I can recover.”
says professional Cannneven Smartiepants. time on social media sites and LOL-ing. Or else
Sunset
Feminist
Club
decides
to
There is no cure for the Can’t Evens. Those who may contract this disease are advised to call the emergency help line at 1-800-CAN-EVEN. photo by John Freeman
convert
to
meninism
The Goth Girl members have determined that
they clearly need more help than everyone else.” Meninists also advocates for the removal of the term that whenever a woman is friendly
emphasis on the distinct problems of oppressed white males.
realized
that
meninism
she wants to date him.
“Men’s feelings should be given the highest priority in all matters.
makes
“Meninism truly makes so much more sense than feminism.”
Despite its promoting of all Feminism Club members proudly display their newfound support for Meninism. They will work to ensure that all men are given the proper amount of attention. photo by Reed McIntire
standards applied to men. One example is the fact that they can’t spreading the ideology meninist movement.
more than that.”
feminist movement can make men feel like they are being oppressed.
of
the
while feminism promotes everyone being able to dress in a way that
“Women are equal enough.”
already
pg 6
BURN BOOK
Ria Chang That One Asian Chick When the bell rings and students scramble to make it to class, the security guards of Sunset High School silently roam the halls, identifying any possible danger. Harsh words that range anywhere from ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ to ‘Don’t you have a class to get to?’ have continued to keep students attempting to stay under the radar. However, not even the guards’ incredible intimidation skills can hide that under that front of ‘keeping the school safe’ is a prejudice that has gone unaddressed for far too long. The Sunset High School security guards have recently been brought to the attention of good intentions, the guards have yet to prove their innocence to the mob of angry parents. The target, as it seems, is the International Baccalaureate student population of the school. “I was only trying to make it to my IB Physics HL 2 class when they spotted me with my huge stack of textbooks,” said senior Kai Klocke. “They said I was carrying too many again and that if they caught me being a safety hazard one more time, they’d put me in detention!” Similar accounts have been shared by various IB students, many of whom have had several run-ins with the security guards.
Joseph
Peterson:
Annika Kuether Sleep-deprived Scholarship Hunter
It’s no secret that Joseph Peterson is one of Sunset’s most revered individuals. His loyal following consists largely of freshman girls, though it extends to males, teachers, and administration. Over the course of his time in be very extreme in expressing their love for Sunset’s proclaimed “Heroic Savior.” However, after the FBI recently nominated Peterson as “most loved,” some call his motives as leader of our Executive branch into question. He is under investigation for accusations of fraudulent behavior, and possible dictatorship. When closely examining Peterson, it is immediately apparent why the vast majority of Sunset’s population idolizes him, perhaps unjustly. Enrolled in several IB courses, involved in numerous athletics, a highly-decorated Eagle Scout, world-famous vocalist and piano prodigy, the list of Peterson’s achievements and abilities is not to be taken lightly. “Joe is absolutely stunning. Like wow, such beauty,” says Sunset senior Shanmukh Challa. Peterson has somehow managed to charm even his cabinet members, “Joseph has such a beautiful spirit. His smile radiates and makes me feel warm inside,” exclaims Barack Obama. None of these insights compare
The Scallion- April 1, 2015
stopped,” said senior Lamisa Hasan when recounting a particular incident. “They just took one look at me, told me that the bags under my eyes were suspiciously deep, and
hide behind textbooks until further notice.
caught me not getting enough sleep again.” Senior Class President Joseph Peterson has chosen to speak up regarding the risks that IB students may pose to the rest of the student populace. In particular, he has taken fellow seniors Elise Cutts and Jason Dong, who being ‘a little too enthusiastic about Communist Russia’ and ‘a little too Asian’, respectively. Despite suggestions that Cutts’ and Lin’s academic interests and appearances had no correlation with any actual threat, Peterson remains adamant that there must be some common denominator; the security guards “I mean, anyone would take one look at Kai and see that he’s way too interested in his studies for anyone’s safety,” said Peterson. Peterson chose not to comment when sources revealed that he took IB classes as well. The security guards have also chosen to stay silent about the matter, but continue to patrol the Sunset halls. IB students are advised to arrive to class extra early and
heroic
savior
or
A security guard, arms crossed, stands strong when questioned by the staff of The Scroll. The security guards have chosen to stay silent about the matter, but continue to patrol the Sunset halls. photo by John Freeman
fraudulent
to that of Plaine Jane, a freshman new to Sunset this year: “Hmm... I think I love Joe because he accomplishments cannot help but raise suspicion as it seems unrealistic and potentially fabricated.
dictator?
of a dictator. Is his smile manipulative? Are his greetings a form of propaganda? Is this all a ploy to eventually take over the globe by brainwashing his admirers? The rumors of Peterson’s secret correspondence with Kim Jong Un would certainly support these claims. This issue brings to light that the extent of our knowledge concerning Peterson’s ulterior motives is extremely limited. The rest of Peterson’s ruling body has attempted to expose Peterson’s supposed corruption, and hope to gain support from Sunset’s citizens that would encourage Leadership to order his impeachment.
“Hmm... I think Joe because he
Joseph Peterson leads the crowd in a moment of Sunset Pride. Peterson’s following has increased exponentially since his term at Sunset. photo by Ethan Uehara
Looking past the extreme happy-gohalls
excessively,
one
cannot
ignore
the
at this institution which is quite similar to that
I love reminds
The Vice President of Sunset, Anna Stember, released in a press conference last week that she urges Sunset’s population to open their eyes to the ensuing dangers. In his recent Presidential address, Peterson announced that he would be pushing for radical change to the Student’s Constitution of Sunset in the near future. What is to be expected from this change? The betterment of Sunset life, or the repression of Sunset students’ freedom? What do we actually know about Joseph Peterson… and does he even go here?
BURN BOOK
pg 7
Sunset students locked out of learning by campus monitors Melissa Diamond Grumpy Cat Lady Have you ever been late to school? Have you ever been much later because the gate to the student parking lot was closed? If you answered yes, you’re not alone. In a survey of Sunset students who drive to school, 68 percent report that they were greeted with a locked gate within with indignation that a monitor closed the gate as they drove up and requested that they go around through the front entrance. Vice Principal
“I ran back across the street and crawled under the gate, even though it was raining. I was covered in mud, but I made it to class before my teacher took attendance.” Sommer’s incident may be extreme, but it demonstrates that dedicated students are missing class. One could also argue that closing the gate time, missing class. However, this argument fails to acknowledge that
entering our campus.” You may then ask why a monitor cannot stay at solution. However, Mr. Bick said this creates logistical challenges “because our campus monitors are also responsible for locking all of our exterior make sure they are able to get all of their work done.” But should students have to frantically turn around from the student lot, speed to the main entrance, rush back to the student lot, slide into a parking spot, sprint No, students should not face a day-ruining olympic relay when they are less than ten minutes late to school.
“Students should not face a day-ruining olympic relay when they are less than ten minutes late to school.” It is undeniable that campus security is necessary, especially considering the many recent school shootings nationwide. However, in continued to patrol the gate rather than lock the door for a few minutes the threat would still have to pass the monitor. The situation is no less safe than it is before school starts. In fact, it is exactly the same. The only difference is that after school starts, every student in the building is accounted for, which should actually make security simpler. Furthermore, the closed gate could engender new security risks. “I always pull up to the
as demonstrated by Sommer and others alike. This is only intended to minimize the consequences for students who are just a few minutes late, preventative measures should not impede our ability to learn. “The administration expounds the most excellent logic. By closing the gate at but also deterring the entry of authorized vehicles.
“They are not only deterring the entry of unauthorized vehicles, but also deterring the entry of authorized vehicles.” on preventing our access to education than enabling it,” quipped senior on the dot. 68 percent of students who drive to school have missed at number of hours of class missed due to this rule. To the administration the locked gate, please consider altering this procedure. You’ll be doing us all a favor. *All quotes and opinions in this story are real.
test so I turned around and sped to the front of the school. I thought I Bailey Singleton, a generally level-header driver. Students can become desperate when late to class, leading to reckless behavior. Speeding, running in the street or parking lot and distracted driving could all be effects of this regulation.
“Students can become desperate when late to class, leading to reckless behavior.” One could argue that concessions should not be made for possibly lazy students who arrive late to school. Yet the survey that determined around two thirds of student drivers have been locked out was conducted in all IB classes and in the library, sampling students who challenge themselves academically. Furthermore, when locked out, some students and I was about to turn into the lot but the monitor was shutting the gate and wouldn’t let me in. I had to make it to ceramics on time, so I parked my car across the street. Then, I ran back across the street and crawled under the gate, even though it was raining. I was covered in mud, but I made it to class before my teacher took attendance.”
A giant campus monitor blocks the gate to the student lot. Hopefully this will change in the near future. photo by Reed McIntire
BURN BOOK
pg 8
Guide to Sunset’s Cafeteria: Where
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
you sit in the cafeteria is crucial...
Señora Perez is known throughout the halls of Sunset as a Spanish teacher. However, it turns out she is actually on exchange in the United States from Puerto Rico. While Sunset students believe they are learning from her, she is actually learning from them. Perez leads a double life as a student in disguise.
Exchange Students
easy to hide my true identity behind the coursework of my Spanish classes.” Her eyes were opened to many American teenager
Nerds
exposed to fashion that greatly differs from her home, such as how to perfect the top-knot bun hairstyle. - Fiona Bandettini, Princess
Meet Mr. Ford, one of the swaggiest teachers at Sunset. Previously the captain Ford is always surrounded by the jocks of Sunset. Popular among the teachers and a glory days of high school every day. Whether they like him or not, nobody has the guts to go against Ford, especially since he has connections with only the most ruthless, powerful group in the school: the Plastics. He is so cool, he was the king of the playground when he was two. The kids had to go through him if they wanted to go down the superslide. fool you--if you cross him in the wrong way, - Adelina Bajrami, Human Dictionary
#1 Table, you want to be here
Professor Shannon Schilling is widely known around Sunset for his capabilities as a Physics super genius. Separated at birth from his twin Albert Einstein, Schilling went on to receive a degree in How-to-Fix-the-World at Berkeley. He was recently awarded the Nobel Prize for his invention of a teleportation device that can transport students to the Physics World. Senior Brendan Deal sums up his appreciation for Schilling, saying “Professor Schilling once told me that there was nothing stopping me from pretty pumped.” Additionally, Mr. Peterson recalls when Schilling appeared to him during his time at Portland State University in his teleportation device, noting “it was such an experience; he urged me to been here ever since.” - Annika Keuther, The Sleep Deprived Scholarship Hunter
“Oh, we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us. You have to be considerate of the rest of the group.” As he roams the halls looking for kids, Mr. Degman stares down everyone. Stereotyping and suspicions are a part of his daily routine. With the rest of the Plastics following closely behind, he class 2 minutes before the bell rings. The Plastics look up to him as their leader who provides an image of discipline. Students, teachers, and even administrations know about Degman and his Plastics. Some would even say they are the most intimidating crew to roam the school. Checking passes, questioning and gossiping about students, and scaring freshman are all entailed in being a Plastic. With Degman as their leader, they succeed at their job. - Marlee Leonard, Regina 2.0
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
BURN BOOK
pg 9
inner teenage angst, Marshall is the rebel beanie in a sea of briefcases. Nothing could be more urban than his classic wide frame glasses and plaid button downs. When he is not teaching, Marshall is the lead singer in his contemporary band, Chris Marshall and the August Light. He is more recently impressed with his new set, “Lord of the Rhymes,” a new line of songs for teaching. This includes
Hippies and hipsters
and Juliet.” will write a song about it,” says Marshall. - Ella Skiens, The Ginger
There is a new teacher who walks the yellow halls of Sunset, Mrs. Boeschenstein. You
Meet Ellie Rozendaal, the chillest of chills art and publications teacher at Sunset. Raised on a hippy commune, Rozendaal has lived her adult life in the modern world, spreading her joyous self with her fellow citizens.
classroom, teaching Writing 121 and freshman literature. “This school has a really inclusive and respectful culture,” said Boeschenstein, “However,
in the real world. Rumor has it that the photo studio adjacent to her classroom contains an entrance to Narnia.
classrooms.” Since September, Boeschenstein has yet to fully adjust to her new environment.
Rozendaal is also said to provide all of her students with an unlimited supply of candy from a magical bucket that she keeps locked away in a secret place in her room. “The candy goes where the creative people go. Just follow the art
jams of One hall and Main hall, you can spot Boeschenstein doing the Freshman 180 (where freshman suddenly turn 180 degrees down a hallway when they realize that
- Ali Weide, The Bookworm
the Freshman 360 (when freshman just keep spinning in circles, “Earlier this year, Mrs. Boeschenstein was in my freshman Link Crew group. She always asked good questions,” said junior and Link Crew Leader Audra Neyman, “Plus her hockey skills are so on - Maggie Vanoni, The Fast Talker
Freshmen
Brian Kienlen is notorious for his chemistry genius, and no one can deny it. However, recent days have found him in the Kienlen. The suspected teacher admits to both having recently discovered his inner pyromaniac and using his mad skills to tinker
His intense, burning passion has inspired students districtwide to develop their own pyromania, and will likely continue to do so even after he has retired. - Ria Chang, That One Asian Chick
Burnouts
BURN BOOK
pg 10
The Scallion - April 1,2015
Regina knows best Marlee Leonard Regina 2.0 Hello Ladies! For those that don’t already know, I, Regina George, am beyond spectacular in the dating advice realm. I have been extremely successful in relationships as well! What better way to improve your relationship or even get some totally awesome advice on dating, than learning from the best? Check out my awesome tips!
1
2
Make sure your boyfriend knows you are the sole reason for his existence. His mind, body, and soul should revolve around you. You are, and will always be, what makes him alive.
It’s important to remember, especially in high school, to post about him on Instagram at least twice a week. Just to make sure he knows that ring emoji.
photo by Ellie Rozendaal
3
Rule # 3, very crucial in the dating realm, is to remember to talk about your future as a newly formed couple.
photo by Maddie Hernandez
4 Make sure he does not even whisper another girl’s name. His mother is okay. A sister is acceptable. But a cousin is out of the question, and God-forbid 2nd cousins.
whole “couple” thing but boys will be boys! He just doesn’t quite know what he wants yet.
5
He’s threatening to break up with you? Ha! Tell him nice try! Make sure he knows you know all of his dirty secrets and could destroy him. Also, it’s good to keep your blackmail updated ladies.
6 Guys night? Funny. Your boyfriend should either be at school, playing his current sport, working on his body or with you. Most likely you will be present during all his free time anyways. Hanging out with his friends should be out of the question.
photo by Maddie Hernandez
7
Lastly, when he starts to get offers from schools for his “amazing” football skills, make sure you make it clear that he will be attending the college of YOUR choice After all, he will be with you forever.
photo by Maddie Hernandez
pg 11
BURN BOOK
Gang wreaks havoc last week in downtown Portland Jamie Jeffers Jay Walker
“City Hall and the Portland Police Department have made it abundantly clear... Portland is too weird to keep up with it anyway.”
Unicyclists Wanted
Requirements: Must follow
Aforementioned gang leader, Bo Howard, poses alongside his fellow gang members. They plan to take a joy ride this weekend in Portland’s Pearl District. photo by Madison Hernandez
dress code Contact: ForeverUni@AOL.com
know whether to dash across the street with one
Arellano
and
Hemsworth:
star-crossed
lovers
Ella Skiens The Ginger
Health teacher, Emily Arellano, clings to Chris Hemsworth on their vacation to Asgard. The trip was out of this world. photo by Conner Coughlin
BURN BOOK
pg 12
Nolan
accused
of
being
a
The Scallion - April 1st, 2015
pusher,
facing
consequences
Brendan Deal Your Friend’s Friend “I
don’t want to be a part of her business!“
Therese Nolan, IB English teacher at Sunset High School has created a massive controversy as a private remark to a student that she is a ‘pusher’ has gone public. Rumors have spread about the truth of this remark; could Nolan really be conducting illegal activities at Sunset? After a series of emails, the student agreed to be interviewed. Fearing for his safety, his identity will remain anonymous. “A few days point but it kept getting worse. She started talking about how she is a ’pusher’ and ‘pushed’ other students in the past and now is going to ‘push me’ too. I don’t want to be a part of her business!” After rumors began to spread, more came forward with evidence. Senior Tiana De La Rosa, a long time outspoken opponent of Nolan comments on the incident, “I knew it! This explains everything. Think about it, the fancy vacations, the icy cold, intimidating stare, the business background! It all adds up now!” Recently, Nolan has gone under intense scrutiny by the school by the administration but Nolan has responded to these accusations, claiming her intentions have been misunderstood and that any student claiming otherwise will be severely punished. “While I do drink a lot of Diet Coke and probably even more coffee, this is simply unacceptable. I’m an academic pusher, I push kids to do well in school. Anyone who mentions this again will be subject to two extra nightly commentaries,” says Nolan.
Nolan stares down the classroom with her trademark look. This persona developed over years of teaching experience. photo by Reed Macintire
Not
too
gay
to
function?
Quinlan Bingham Unpopular Jock John Davis is a senior at Sunset high school, and he is very involved in the theater and choir departments. He has been openly gay for two years; his story reveals the monumental challenges of being gay. When Davis was a sophomore, he had a secret. He had a boyfriend and a family that didn’t know about it. After deciding that the time was he right, he came out to his parents along with his boyfriend of three months. Sadly, like most cases, his coming out did not go off without a hitch. “I suddenly found that regular everyday tasks were becoming became nearly impossible to focus in school AND be gay, but that was just the beginning. After a few weeks, I couldn’t feed myself, brush my teeth, or even sing in the shower. I required assistance performing basic tasks, and I was lucky to have a family that was there for me,” said Davis. Davis felt afraid of what was to come. “After months, I wouldn’t even get out of bed. I was confused -- I felt my time was running out.” It was when Davis had all but given up that he had the realization that changed his life forever. “I was struck with the revelation that being gay did not prevent me from doing all those things that I did before.” From that point forward, Davis refused to be limited by his homosexuality. “Actually,” said Davis, “I am able to function quite successfully, better than ever before.” Davis breathes in the wonderful air of Sunset’s halls. His sassy character only increased after his life changing realization. photo by Maddie Hernandez
“Impossible
to focus in school and be gay.“
BURN BOOK
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
Milo
and
Phil,
the
pg 13
villainous
Lombach
dwarfs
Maggie Vanoni The Fast Talker You may know Russell Lambach as the the abnormally tall and lanky math teacher in F-hall. However, very few know his true identity, or in his case, identities. Word has gotten out that Lambach is not who he says he is, and the truth may shock you. Recently, people have discovered that Mr. Lambach is really made up of two dwarfs stacked on top of each other. These two dwarfs go by the names of Milo and Phil. Milo and Phil have worked together for the past 12 years, disguised
“Once
we gain control, we will be able to force the student body and staff to obey our every command,” said Milo. The dwarfs’s dream goal is to take over Sunset High School. By starting their takeover from the inside-out, they would be able to gain trust with the faculty and ultimately gain their obedience. You’d be surprised how many of the other staff members immediately become subordinate to our character’s towering height. Milo and Phil plan on continuing their disguise until they have complete and utter control over Sunset. “If people decide to rebel against us, we will be forced to use Riemann Sums against their limits, until they break! Once we successfully take over the school, we will move our aims elsewhere, and set our goals on a bigger institution,” said Phil. making my way to the student parking lot through one hall, when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something small run down
Confessions Adelina Bajrami Human Dictionary
“I’m sorry about that time in the lower commons you were choking on water and I was laughing, because it was coming out of your nose.” -Lunch Bunch
from
the
“Sorry for being a huge book nerd, and yelling in the movie theater when the movie gets the book wrong.” -Your Every Day Book Worm
In full costume, the dwarfs reach almost 8 feet in height. Now that their master plan has been exposed, the dwarfs have amped up homework, and made their tests harder. photo by John Freeman
F-hall. As I followed it into Lambach’s classroom, I was shocked to see the creatures had disappeared, and there instead stood Mr. Lambach.” After Weide talked to security about the strange sighting, the dwarfs were quickily found and questioned. However, the dwarfs would not disclose any information about their master plan for dominance, and have yet to be seen after their interview. The Scroll Staff would like to advise the public to not be afraid of Lambach’s unnatural height, and to take the necessary precautions when interacting with the dwarfs.
yellow
hallways
“I want to apologize to that one dude I tripped last month when main hall was extremely crowded. Sorry man, the struggle is real.” -The Main Man
of
Sunset
“I think she said she’s sorry for completely abandoning me at the mall like that. I laugh about it now, but she knows I’m extremely bad with directions!” -Always Lost
“I’m sorry that I’m so fabulous. The queen can’t help it.” -B
“I’m sorry I almost fed your cat dog food. I didn’t see the dog on the bag. I’m sorry.” -Your Blind Friend
“I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, apologize for almost burning down
“There will always come that time in your life where you just need to purge your soul of all the incredibly terrible things you’ve done in your life, so I just want to say this: Mom, I’m sorry I broke your vase when I was three. I couldn’t help myself, it was so shiny.” -Devil Child
BURN BOOK
pg 14
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
#TheBestInstaVentures John Freeman Professional Adventurer
1,257,346 likes
2 likes
adventureaday Went on an adventure to the fridge today; I found it to be tough to make a decision between milk and OJ. #Oregonexplored #PNW #Idratherbeexploring #adventure
adventureaday Haha it’s a
120 likes
475 likes
adventureaday Took a trip to school today (In me mum’s caa) #Iminyearbook @ theapolloybk Such a clean hatch
adventureaday Amazing landscape of my couch. #ExpORegon #Alt #wildernessculture La-Z-Boi Amazing capture!
We
wish
to
extend
a
Thanks Java Lounge
Special to
Get the full PCC experience by taking a fun an immersive c d lass this summe r!
for generously hosting our annual Scroll Auction. If you’re looking for a great place to study, or to meet up with friends, look no further than 760 NW Dale Ave.
ter #puns #3fast5u ExpORegon Wow look at that focus! So crisp.
Cooking – Dance – Emergency Prep – Fashion Hobbies – Languages – Money Management – Sports Technology – Test Prep – Visual Arts – Writing
More info and registration details:
pcc.edu/community/teen pcc.edu/communityed – 971.722.6606
6.0" X 10.0" Sunset High School “The Scroll” (PCC Community Ed)
BURN BOOK
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
Thanks to Our Sponsors Columbia Sportswear Java Lounge The Japanese Garden Pittock Mansion Frame Central
And to student photographers Ian Ashe, Joe Riedl, Luke Creighton, Maddie Hernandez and John Freeman for your generous contributions of prints.
And last, but surely not least, thanks to our teachers and families who support this publication through donations, contributions, ideas, interviews, and love. We couldn’t do it without you.
The Scroll Staff Co-Editors in Chief Maggie Vanoni-Melissa Diamond News Editor Fiona Bandettini Opinion/Editorial Editor Ali Weide Features Editor Entertainment Editor Ria Chang Sports and Activities Editor Maggie Vanoni Staff Writiers Marlee Leonard-Lamisa HasanBrendan Deal-Quin BinghamAnnika Kuether-Jamie JeffersElla Skiens-Emma ChesnutAdelina Bajrami-Amy MartinTiana De La Rosa Photo Editor John Freeman
Design Editor Tech Editor Ria Chang Staff Photographers Reed McIntire-Connor CoughlinMadison Hernandez Advisor Eloika Rozendaal Editorial Policy The Scroll is written by the students of the Newspaper class. It is edited by an editorial board who makes all content-related decisions and is responsible for all material appearing in The Scroll. The opinions presented in The Scroll do not necessarily represent the poision of the entire staff, Sunset High School or the Beaverton School District. As a public forum for students expression, The Scroll welcomes letters to the editor and comments on articles, but it reserves the right to revise inappropriate letters and comments. All comments must be signed and may be edited for it’s length, accuracy, and clarity.
pg 15
BURN BOOK
pg 16
The Scallion - April 1, 2015
Hidden Triangles Everyone knows that Regina George is only popular because she gets her power from the Illuminati. How many Illuminati triangles can you spot throughout the Burn Book?
Burn Book Crossword
Regina George
Coach Carr
Karen Smith
Glen Coco
Plastics
Africa
school bus
Fetch
Kevin G
Gretchen Weiners
toaster strudel
Cady Heron
Spring Fling
Kalteen bar
Mathletes
Grool
Hidden Triangles Answer, 6
Aaron Samuels