The Greatest Thing I Ever Did Read

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The Legend never dies I present to you the greatest thing I Ever did Read

Pictures found on Google images

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The Greatest Thing I Ever Did Read

2012-2013

Author- Jared Johnson Freelance Publishing Huntsville Arkansas May 10, 2013

Table of Contents Dedication page

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Why I write stories about wizards

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Part one: The Wizard who can`t be deterred.

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The Wizard who shot the sheriff

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The Wizard who had no name

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The Wizard who had a names

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Why I write entertaining stories

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Part two: Mega Ultra Chicken

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Solair of Astoria

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The Gatekeepers Warning

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The Willy of Legend

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Cereal heroes

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Page 1 Random Encounters With a Hagel

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Why I find 15 second stories so fun

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Part three: Let’s go yeast watching

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Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc.

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Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels

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Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles

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Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar

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Cosmic dance of bursting decadence

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And the winner of the dedication is…

I would like to dedicate this entire work to a few people. One person being Solid Snake, had he not existed then I don’t think I could have been objective enough to write any of this.

Also, many thanks are to be received by the one known as Gandalf. That guy is the best

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Part 1 I write stories about wizards because wizards are amazing. I decided to dedicate this

entire section to them, and they demonstrate the three things that make books good, but are never used. Those three things being: abruptness, action, and a main character that can one shot everyone. Now please, enjoy.

The Wizard Who Cannot be deterred Through the dim light of the Dream Realms black sun, The Wizard trudged to the peak of Kalagin`s Mountain. At last after so many long, long minutes, he had arrived at the Dream Realm. At last, he could unlock the power of infinite knowledge.

Let us go back to the beginning of this story, when the wizard was brought forth into this world. Many moons ago, under a dark sun on the brink of ultimate damnation of the Earth Realm rose a creature. This creature is known as a pelgeon. The pelgeon are fickle creatures who aren’t born, but simply wake up somewhere. This specific pelgeon had awoken in the garden of a castle, and already the kings guard were on their way to investigate. This pelgeon was green like the grass and leaves, and it had things upon its head that appeared to be circles. It is at this point that he exploded. From his corpse

arose a mystical wizard. As the guards approached the scene a voice spoke out to them saying, “Beware his power, Unspeakable power.” But the words were drug on to sound more like, “Beeeeeware his poweeeers, Unspeakable poweeeeeers.” The wizard brought forth his staff and cast upon the guards a spell of great power. At once all the guards stopped and bowed to him allowing him easy access to the castle. The wizard, cloaked in a black robe of the finest cloth in all the land, walked into the Duke`s manse.

The Duke was consulting his scriber when the wizard walked in. The Duke demanded at once that he state his name, but all he received as a reply was, “I am The Wizard.” And those were the last words heard by the Dukes living ears, as The Wizard had cast forth a spell of time freezing the Duke forever in place beside his scriber who was also frozen. In a single night The Wizard had destroyed the greatest kingdom ever to exist, and brought forth the age of dark. The Wizard had to now go to Kalagin`s Mountain, where this story began.

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The Wizard had reached the Dream Realm and was now going to reach

the top of Kalagin`s Mountain so that he could gain infinite knowledge, and then go defeat the sky. This is what the prophecy said. This is why the legendary Pelonal Whitestrake defeated Galgahin and his evil army. Had he not done that then The Wizard would have had to, and not have been the being of darkness he is now. The Wizard reached the top of Kalagin`s Mountain, and was greeted by the gaze of a creature known as a jelgenha. The jelgenha brought forth a mighty spell of thunder to cut down The Wizard, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha summoned the Stones of Grelgenla, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha called forth a great fire from the pits of Aswacavar, but The Wizard was undeterred. The jelgenha blew forth a sinister wind from the Canyon of Oplegniha, but The Wizard was undeterred. Before the jelgenha had a chance to regain its lost power, The Wizard conjured up a portal to the great lava pits of Esgramir where the jelgenha burned to death quickly. The Wizard continued on to the peak of the mountain. At the top he saw the guardian of infinite knowledge. The Wizard stepped forward and spoke to the guardian. In moments he had

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all the knowledge that would ever exist and all that had ever existed. With this knowledge he teleported to the sky, and killed it with a single mighty blow. This caused the sky which oft is looked upon to tumble and fall, and the mountain, which he found the knowledge on, to crumble to the sea. Then The Wizards quest was done, and he had nothing left to do in life.

The end.

This story was inspired by The Looney Tunes` Daffy Duck the Wizard

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The wizard who shot the sheriff The wizard did not care at all about how the city would fare without its sheriff. All he knew was that he had to shoot the sheriff with his magic missile. After that he could figure out the rest. The sheriff was a vile man who deserved to die. The wizard walked through the small village until he saw his target, the saloon. The wizard walked into the saloon, his heart beating the suspense incredulous, and his staff throbbing. He stepped in and instantly started shooting everyone in the saloon with magic missiles. It probably wouldn’t help to kill the sheriff if he killed everyone in the city as well, but oh well. Turns out at that moment the sheriff was running from the wizard, and was 300 yards outside the saloon. The wizard found out and gave chase. He grew tired of running so just shot him down like the rest, but with this one he loaded the body in his wagon. You see this wizard was a bounty hunter, and as a bounty hunter he sells dead bodies for money. A bounty hunter is basically a law man, except he hunts people down and sells their bodies. After the wizard loaded the sheriff’s body on the cart he set off for the appraiser.

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The appraiser is what the wizard called the man who made sure the bodies were genuine and the right person. After he made sure of that he bought it, buried it or something and told the government he was dead.

This story was inspired by the movie Django Unchained

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the wizard who had no name The man who many called a wizard walked through the town. Nobody knew his name, and only a few could recognize him. This man walked toward the saloon and planned on going in to have a drink. He walked in and the bartender asked him, “what`ll ya have?” to which he replied, “Water.” The bartender just smiled at him and said, “Ok” and he went to get the man some water. Some fellows in the corner walked up and started kicking the mick out of him. You see now the man didn’t like this, so he pulled his gun and shot them. Each one had a bullet in their foot and were yelling at the top of their lungs. The bartender came back with a tall glass of water, and instead of asking what happened he kicked out the people from the corner and told them never to come back. The man drank his water and left the saloon and town and went to the desert, where he met a man named Tuco who had been looking for a stash of gold in a graveyard. When the man told him that he knew what grave to look in, out came a man.

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Let’s call him The Bad. He held up his gun and said, “Now I know about the treasure and I also know that you two fellers know where its at. So I want you to tell me or ill shoot.”

“Don’t do that, or you will never find it.” Said the man with no name. The Bad saw his point and realized he was right, so he lowered his gun. Then he was shot and died.

After that the man told Tuco to start digging a grave, and he started at once. Once Tuco found the gold he was so happy, until the man pulled out a noose. He told Tuco to stand on a rotting wooden gravestone. He put the noose around his neck, took four gold bags and was off on his horse. Tuco wasn’t dead yet, but he could easily slip and it didn’t help that he was angry and screaming. After about five minutes of sitting there trying not to slip and die, the rope was shot by the man with no name.

The end

This story was inspired by the movie The Good The Bad and The Ugly, and the wizard with no name was Clint Eastwood

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the wizard who had a name There was an old wizard who had a name. His name was Gaznamar. He was the most powerful wizard ever to live or exist in any way ever. He could do anything, and even his dead corpse could do anything. It was all because of his name. The name Gaznamar means all powerful wizard that is all but nothing. That means he was anything except nothing, which means he couldn’t be nothing. That was his challenge in his eternal life/death. Gaznamar found little joy in fun things, and this made him a boring person. Eventually Gaznamar accomplished his challenge, but it wasn’t worth it to him for in the end he had no fun. There is a moral to this story, and it is if you don’t have fun you waste your time.

The end

This story was inspired by boredom, for boredom is the root of creativity

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Part 2

I enjoy writing stories solely for entertainment rather than just boredom or because a book was terrible. These stories I write are because other people wish to hear something funny.

Mega ultra-chicken And that’s when it happened, the most extraordinary thing ever. The train drove up. I was utterly amazed, but there was a catch. The train was missing absolutely nothing. That’s how amazing it was. Not only did the train show up, but it was standard issue. The awesomeness of this slipped me into the Twilight Zone. Even if the sky which we look upon were to tumble and fall, or the mountain crumble to the sea; I wouldn’t cry, no I would not shed a tear. Just as long as that train would stand, stand by me. And that’s when it happened. Out of nowhere came Mega Ultra Chicken, and said to me. “Run, I dare you I double dare you puny human, run from the fire coming out of

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my mouth.� I knew the only way I could survive would be to leg it. I also knew that if I were to defeat Mega Ultra Chicken, I would find The Ecstasy of Gold on his corpse. I decided to do both. I summoned forth a giant cow and a giant salt lick. The cow licked the salt lick and out came Odin. He drew forth Gungnir and slew Mega Ultra Chicken, and immediately after returned to his home. I picked up the Ecstasy of Gold and was teleported to the lonely mountain where I became a turkey.

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Solair of Astoria Last week, I needed to take a break from gazing at the sun. sometimes I wish that Solair and I could do other things, but engaging in jolly-co-operation is quite a challenge in Lordran. The time we went to the Dream Realm to fight the mighty Hagel of Caz Mo Dan was quite the experience. These were two of the things I spent spring break doing, and much better then praising the sun. Praising the sun causes incredulous eye pain, but if you look just right, you will be galvanized by the magnificence of the sun. I needed to take a break from this because it gets boring, and jolly-co-operation is much more fun.

This story was inspired by dark souls

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The gatekeepers warning Heed my warning young traveler for if you don’t then the Great Crusade of the Legendry Gungle of Kakudda shalt forever imprison you to Isengard. Even if you cast your pyromancy, and black magic, nothing will stand in the way of Knight Petrus of Caz Mo Dan, son of Sir Galahad, son of Gloin. The primordial serpents shall engulf the world in nakedness. For if none other shall rule through the retardation of Acoatmanin. Then who are we to say that pickles shall never rule?

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The Willy of legend Willy was my brutha-man. He frolicked through the wood, and also enjoyed to chop down certain parts of the wood. To do this, however, much work in the dirt was required. On most occasions he would trip and fall into a corn stalk of vile creatures. Getting dirty was required to have fun, so in this case getting dirty was good for young Willy. Then Willy would return home to his turkey, and get nagged. No matter how many times he said sorry, he got nagged.

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Cereal heroes The cereal was going to get soggy if I didn’t eat it fast enough. There was maybe like 30 seconds until total sogginess. The amount of focus I used in those 30 seconds was beyond my own comprehension. How I managed it was incredulous. I knew that the benefit of eating cereal that wasn’t soggy was going to far exceed the expectations of what I thought it would be. I am usually correct about these things, like when the hobbits were taken to Isengard, and this was no exception because let’s face it, Isengard and cereal is totally the same thing. That one piece of cereal in my bowl was stupendous.

This story was inspired by Lord of the Rings

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Random encounters with a Hagel There are two things I must do before I die, and those are as follows:

1. Become immortal is I can do everything else on this list 2. Everything

The mighty Hagel stood ill chance against this man’s gaze of sun. It was too much torture, however, for the man to listen to it howl with pain. Instead the man made a deal with the Hagel to settle things differently, with a children’s card game.

Never to be continued.

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Part 3

I write 15 second short stories in order to entertain myself for a short amount of time. They are incredibly simple, and require only a small number of things. I include them here because they are the first real type of storytelling that I ever did.

Let`s go yeast watching As the yeast rises I look out to the sea. I think to myself about the Yeast Risers Brigade, and how awful it is. That’s right it’s full of awe. There is like ten members now.

The best brigade in Gregorovich`s army.

Cows Pancakes Space Ship Yeast Inc. The pancake shaped space ship flew directly of Yeast Inc., causing the cows within to turn into disgusting flavored steak. Then out of nowhere came a ship of space and time, and killed everything.

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Jelly bread Doughnuts Desks Wheels The wheels on the doughnuts caused the bread to roll out of control on the highway of jelly. Though it seemed impossible, all had been lost and the desks would surely win the war against the turkey brigade now. All was gone, all had been lost by the actions of a single moron.

Lightning Divine Right Paper Turkey Circles The divine Right that had forever been inscribed into the paper of the legendary turkeys, written in lightning and purely made of circles and mutton chops. Although you may not think it to be, there are none who shall pass the black knight.

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Sun cucumber Isaiah peanut butter dog collar Isaiah was walking his cucumber when he and it stopped to glare at the sun, and although the cucumbers dog collar was loose he didn’t escape. They sat and ate peanut butter for a while, and then they went home.

This cosmic dance of bursting decadence By the rule of the Royal Tart Toter, we must dedicate this cosmic dance to him.

For if any of you remember he was caught saying, “this cosmic dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions twists all our arms collectively but, if sweetness can win, and it can, then ill still be here tomorrow to high five you yesterday my friend.”

So I dedicate now this dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions to him. I say to you people now, peace and good fortune to you all.

This story was entirely dedicated to and inspired by Adventure Time,