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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 12th, 2020
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ SNEAKY PETE
MAYOR PETE RECEIVED RESULT THROUGH PSYCHIC ABILITY ICKY VICKY AND STICKY TOO
New HampshirePete Buttigieg had the misfortune of drawing the evil eye of Twitter towards, what he calls, his “innocuous” victory in Iowa. His late night tweet was brigaded by Bernie Sanders supporters claiming that Sanders had a clear lead based on the internal data they collected. Buttigieg had drawn additional fire towards his statement when it was revealed that his team has ties to the company running the malfunctioning app used for the caucuses, turning the situation from a California wildfire to the Australian bushfire. In a surprising twist, Buttigieg and his team held a press event a day before the New Hampshire primary, where the presidential candidate explained how he came to learn of the results.
According to Buttigieg, he has an innate ability known as extrasensory perception (ESP), which he started exploring earlier this year. Using the power of astrology, numerology, and the weekly Medium psychic forecast, the young gay military vet former
mayor added another moniker to his ever expanding list of relatability attributes—full blown psychic. After the self-reported “successful reading,” Buttigieg hopes to use his newly tested powers for the New Hampshire Continued on Page 2
DON'T MAKE ME DEEPFAKE YOU ANALESE
LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR UNVEILS “CHADDER" WORLD’S FIRST INCEL DATING APP MANUEL C. HODE ALMOST TOO VEINY
New Brunswick- Why the fuck won’t you answer my texts, ANALESE. Why must you degrade and debase yourself for those bad little BOYS, as opposed to good honest MEN like myself? Why must you punish me like this? Analese, I am but a languished, starved beggar, one who has spent 32 long years deprived, utterly famished of the simple creature comforts of cock and ball torture. Why must you deny acquiescing before my sublime hunger? Why must my impassioned, paragraphslong text diatribes be met with mere “lol”s, “mmhmm”s, or “haha”s at best? Fortunately, fellow Nice Guys™ like me will no longer
have to reach for the SUV keys or bolt-action hunting rifle in Daddy’s garage. Instead, they can reach for their smartphones and debit cards to release misogynistic hatred over the digital neural network hyperspace with Chadder, a new local startup making quite the hubbub.
Free to download on the App Store, Chadder is the world’s first involutarily celibate dating app! The process to join is simple: all you need for a Chadder account is your email address, Facebook, a photo of your Social Security Card, and a fully erect photographic Continued on Page 2
Touchin', Lovin', Squeezin' Since 1970
QUICKIES
Have a Mediumly Enjoyable Valentine Unlike You, Valentines's Day Comes on Friday Local Children Can't Stop Won't Stop
Necco Mass Produces LSD Candy Hearts For V Day 20 Dems Give Donald Drumph Drag One Last Shot Designer Brand Gucci Faces Backlash After Dropping Tanned Human Flesh Belt Jergens Stock Doubles Valentines Day Week Gryffindor Actually Hufflepuff
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NEWS
Wednesday, February 12th, 2020
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"Just chill TF out bro"
"QUALITY CONTROL" EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT primary. He was willing to pass on some of the initial readings his third eye was able to decipher from the cosmological thread of life. His predictions are as follows: Joe Biden’s “antiquated ass” will experience another tumultuous dip in the polls. Andrew Yang’s base will once again high tail towards Sanders when he loses steam. Elizabeth Warren will desperately attempt to bait some of the #yanggang, failing to realize that, much like in their precious video games, these “gamers aren’t ready for a woman to be the quest giver”. Before the last reading, Buttigieg explained how he understands young people’s
I'LL JUST JERK IT TO YOUR INSTA INSTEAD ...continued from front
fervent support of Bernie Sanders because he also wrote an highschool essay on how Bernie Sanders is the last congressman that is there for the people. Unfortunately, his prediction for Sanders is dire, with the old radical croaking when voting once again becomes a shit show. Buttigieg ended his reading by explaining how he is ready to follow the cheese to the end of the maze and he proceeded to start sniffing like an adorable Disney mouse. It got awkward after a while, so the Medium team bounced.
DONT GET ANY IN MY EYES
YEA, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT
LOCAL MAN OUTED AS PEDOPHILE AFTER STARTING YA NOVEL PODCAST THROBBIN WILLIAMS NEVER HAD AN ORGASM
New Brunswick man Zach Fawks has been outed via neighborhood watchdog apps after launching a podcast centered on young adult novels. Fawks, 32, is a student at Rutgers University studying Journalism and Creative Writing. After following his passion of young adult fiction and starting a podcast focused on it, he was identified by location based sex offender registries as a pedophile and total creep. New Brunswick Chief of Police Kenneth Gaglio said “This is exactly the kind of creep that we want to nail. What kind of creep reads that YA crap in their 30s? A weirdo who gets off on subtly horny teens, that’s who.” Sources at the time of Fawks’ arrest stated that the
MAKE YOUR DONATION penile verification. The number of inches detected by Chadder’s proprietary recognition software will denote the number of user swipes per day, lest you opt into the $49.99 a month Chadder Premium subscription. From there, Chadder combines user interest data with local AnyWho, FamilyTreeNow, Spokeo, and White Page records, triangulating local females in your area into aggregated contact profiles you can one-sidedly berate. “As a lonely, insecure, paranoid ideologue, I know there is no better way to ameliorate said loneliness and paranoia then uncritically festering further into said vacuous hole of loneliness and paranoia,” elaborated C.E.O.
...continued from front
Ellison Domer when asked for comment. “I wanted to provide that much outlet for our common men. White men, hetero men, cis men especially, but any man in spirit is welcome.” Rare LGBTQ+ incel? No problem! Chadder and C.P. are committed to promoting inclusive, indiscriminate, equal opportunity misanthropy by identifying ALL the local horrid Chads and nonbinary Stacex ignoring your smoldering good looks and dashful personality. Regardless of orientation, you can rest heard and assured that it’s all the OTHER verminous subhumans fault, and not an iota of your own!
NEWS IN PICTURES
JOE BIDEN ENDS UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE PIE EATING CONTEST BECAUSE HE'S A DAFT PIECE OF SHIT BY THROBBIN WILLIAMS
man’s house was littered with novels by John Green, Angie Thomas and Veronica Roth, and he had the complete Harry Potter box set under his bed. Found in Fawks’ living room were extensive notes detailing character arcs, style of prose, and quality of dialogue next to about $800 of podcasting equipment. “I’m just glad we got this creep off the streets.” Gaglio said. “But unfortunately there are a lot of other sickos out there. We’re working on tracking down each and every one of this guy’s 32 skeevy followers.” Fawks is awaiting trial in Middlesex County Jail, but will likely be beaten to death by other inmates before the February 29th court date.
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Editorial Staff
Spring 2020
Editors-in-Chief Zachary Fox Vickram Singh
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News Editors Samuel Hammer Dan Cretella Opinions Editor Quinlan Van Es Arts Editor Dhvani Mashru Personals Editor Brendan Suszynski Page A7 Editor Conor Johnston Features Editor Kelly Manniello
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to every Gryffindor-Wannabe.
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FEATURES “Someone please have sex with me...please.”
MOVE OVER, DUNCAN
Animated Goth Girls I Want to be My Valentine By: xXVegetaFan69Xx
STEP OVER THE WHITE LINE OF MY HEART
How to Get that Cute Boy on the Bus to Like You By Harry Nuttsaac
1. Walk casually up to him: we know this can be a little tricky since these bus drivers like to smash that fucking brake 2. Wait a couple of minutes: don’t make it seem like you meant to walk to him, so stand back a little bit too 3. Bring up something everyone experiences: talk about how the weather made it really hard to catch the bus, or some dumb shit like that. 4. Keep the conversation going: even after he asks you to get back behind the white line, be persistent 5. Ask him which stop is his: if you time it right, you can make it seem casual 6. Run with his answer: when he says “What the fuck is your problem? I’m drivin’ this bitch,” be casual, say something plain like “same”
The older I get, the more I realize that 3D women are for the birds. This Valentine’s day I’ve decided to say to heck with them, and compile a list of my favorite moody hunnies from the wonderful world of animation. Not only are these girls much more attractive than real women; they also can’t reject me on account of the fact that I can’t ask them out since they don’t exist. 1. Gwen (Total Drama Island) 2. Raven (Teen Titans) 3. Sam (Danny Phantom) 4. Mai (Avatar the Last Airbender) 5. Jinx (Teen Titans) 6. Raven (Teen Titans Go) 7. Rogue (Sonic the Hedgehog) 8. Yumi (Code Lyoko) 9. Nikki (6teen) 10. Blackfire (Teen Titans)
LOOKING FOR ROMANCE? WE CAN’T HELP YOU THERE, UGLY, BUT COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LSC IN THE BOARD ROOM FOR SOME COMPANY!
7. Follow him: when he parks the bus and gets off with his cooler, keep the conversation going and keep up with him 8. Avoid RUPD: when your bus-driver-boyfriend-to-be waves the pigs over, make a mad dash for it (look back to see if he’s checking out your ass) 9. Hide in a bathroom: since I’ve never seen a female RUPD officer, it’s safe to say you’ll lose them 10: Sneak right back on his bus: when the coast is clear, jump back on hubby’s bus and ride it ‘til dawn ;) YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT
How to Enjoy Being Single on Valentine’s Day By Icky Vicky
Let’s paint a picture: you’re single and Valentine’s day is a few days away. With romance polluting the air, this isw the reality for many of us. People forget the conscientious objectors who prefer to remain free spirits, unfettered by the shackles of socially constructed monogamous decorum perpetuated by V-day. This government sanctioned expression of a very specific kind of neutered romantic/sexual expression doesn’t begin to cover the ways single dorks can wet the whistle of their hearts and their numerous, penetrable orifices. Need to get out of the way the dopamine hit our monkey brains crave? One option is to go out and join an orgy. Why spend the night shackled to one date when a writhing pile of flesh and moans is just waiting for you to stick an appendage in. Is sex not on your mind? (Fucking liar.) Are you also sick of the numerous invites to parties “Single Parties” trying to drown out the loneliness? Instead of holding these parties, just hang out with your friends. You’ve watched enough Disney movies and anime to know the power of friendship. Let’s take a moment to embrace the solitude.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 12h, 2020
"You're a Hufflepuff, but sure, you can be a Gryffindor at Hogwarts - Newark."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Where are you celebrating Valentine's Day with your partner? "I'm gonna pull up in my Tesla and then take that bitch to the classiest restaurant in the city." Dick Rich Don't worry, his dad's got the bill
"The poor house." Melanie Dipshit Wishes she'd listened to Karl Engels
"I don't know yet, but my girlfriend left me a message saying 'we need to talk,' so I bet that's what she wants to talk about." Shawn Levy Is in for a big fucking surprise ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC?
Romeo and Juliet Would’ve Been Better Without that Stupid Romance Arc BY LEONARDO DICAPRIO
It’s Valentine’s Day, every straight girl on campus is pretending that they’re gonna find true love with the first hobag frat boy to cross their path only to never see them again come Monday. Whatever. I’ve got my own take about love being fucking stupid: Romeo and Juliet, for some reason considered the most romantic story of all time, would be way better if those idiot kids weren’t in it. “hE’S mY ROmeO AnD i’M JUliEt” yeah ok Samantha, are you 70% of his age and ready to run away with him even though you kissed once? You realize that if this was in the modern day he’d be committing statutory rape, right? And don’t give me the “ohh it was the 1500s” bullshit, no one got married at 14 back then unless they were a rich fuck This shit is creepy. Let me ask you which is a better story: horny teenagers who get so melodramatic they make Evanescence look rational, or an incredibly tense drama about proto-Mafia families duking it out. Two rich families with talented sword fighters viciously trying to put an end to each other sounds a heck of a lot cooler than over-the-top teenage angst. Mercutio is the best part of the play and any adaptation anyway, make him the hero trying to drive those Capulet scoundrels out of Verona, but eventually realizing the Montagues aren’t any better. Romeo and Juliet is the perfect example of how a great writer can make something pretty fuckin bad.
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OINK OINK, MOTHERFUCKERS
St. Valentine Was a Capitalist Pig BY KARL ENGELS
Yeah, go ahead and buy your significant other chocolates and cards and those stupid stuffed bears, y'know, the ones holding hearts that say something like "I Luv U" on them. Just know the whole time that you are supporting the capitalist pig that was St. Valentine. As anyone who exploits people for money knows, the emotions of the people are a great place to start. That fucker Valentine knew from the start that he was just guilt-tripping people into buying all of this unnecessary bullshit for their partners. Many people don't know this, but when Valentine was going around performing illegal marriages, he wasn't only charging a fortune, he was in cahoots with both John of the Hallmark Peninsula and Lewis of the Godiva Islands. Those pigs were working together from the very start, knowing that it was gonna take off and become a way of stealing money. At least when Friedrich and I started dating, we acknowledged that capitalism was a horrible institution and that we wouldn't fall into its trap. Sure, we still got married (I took his name, of course), but we had a small ceremony with only a few close friends and we didn't spring for rings. Sure, we might be a little biased, since we are the gay dads of Marxism, but anyone has to admit that the obscene amount the average person has to spend for just this one holiday year is ridiculous. People should be focused instead on spending time with their loved ones, not giving more of their time to the bourgeoisie to afford all these gifts. Don't even get me started on Santa Claus... FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST? YES PLEASE!
It's Not Gay if God is Your Valentine BY ACTUALLY MIKE PENCE
Pastor Darrell from the Evangelical Church of Immaculate Conception Plus a Couple Kids in Thailand (ECICPCKT) says it’s totally ok if I want to ask God to be my Valentine. It’s fine for a man to be interested in another man, as long as that other man is an omnipotent, all-powerful spirit and not a human. I have ‘traditional Christian values’, which is the phrase you say after a series of unfounded, hateful statements and people elect you vice president anyway. It’s like ‘no offense’ for hate crimes. Awesome, right?! Well, my values mean that I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, or two half-full bottles of ketchup, or a man and that newly empty bottle of ketchup, but never between two men or two women. It’s just wrong. Let me just say, definitively: no homo. None homo whatsoever. God is not technically human, which means that any feelings I have towards Him do not make me gay. According to Pastor Darrell, it would be very bad if I was gay, that costs at least $10,000 to $20,000 worth of indulgences to get to heaven. What a waste. (As a side note, Pastor Darrell is very rich). In conclusion, you can see clearly that I am a straight man with a totally normal relationship with our Lord and Savior. Don’t think otherwise. And make sure to vote for Trump, Pence 2020 for four more years of scathing, genocidal ‘traditional Christian values’.
Wednesday, February 12h, 2020
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ARTS
“Chips taste great with paint”
SCARLET KNIGHT ON HEROIN BY R U
the Medium
THE CONVO HEARTS U RLLY WANT BY UR VALEN-
ON MY WAY TO KILL BABY NUT BY TILDA
YOUR LOCAL GUIDO BY PENNY TRATER
REALISTIC VALENTINE BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
TF YOU LOOKIN AT HOE? COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM
PERSONALS
the Medium
"Uhhhh.... meow?"
Oscars
Did you hear? Parasite won! Racism ended! (Didn't the original CEO resign after Green Book and Crash?)
Why are the liberal media DEMON RATS praising PARASITES?!?!? (Frankly, I don't know what I did to garner so much celebration either.) Why wasn't Jeffrey Epstein included in the "In Memoriam" montage? Can't believe it's been nearly half a fucking year already... R.I.P. KING :'( (Bryan must've been too busy to let the Academy know last minute. Or Kevin. Or Harvey. Or David. Or over half the municipality of Los Angeles, California.) I stand with Joaquin Pheonix against misusing a cow's milk. That's why I've only drank my mother's for the past 37 years... (I'm not sure that's the type of veganism he advocates, or if that even qualifies as veganism to begin with. You do you though?)
V-Day
So apparently V-Day is not a celebration of VD... (It can be. . . UwU ) My girlfriend liked my dick-in-a-box I got her last year, but says she'd prefer a size up. Can anyone help me with that? I'm really running out of time. (Not saying to go out and kill any racehorses, but if Chucky Clydesdale busts a leg or two on the quarter mile...) Instead of celebrating V-Day, I'm creating VA Day (victory in absitence). We are looking for virgins for the party, care to stop by? (Fuck you, me and Rightie are in a VERY loving relationship, thank you very much.) Econ major here. How do you cope with the loneliness this week? (I feel your pain. There's only so many homeless alley guys you can beat to an inch of their life. Know that it gets better, and know you'll be out there verbally abusing Applebees waitstaff before you know it!)
Word of the Week:
Limbaugh
n. The camera angle in porn that's all asshole, taint, and ballsack. You know the one.
WILL YOU BE OUR HIGH HIGH HOPES FOR A LIVING?
<3
Sonic Movie
Wednesday, February 12th, 2020
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OSCARS: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Me & the missus are gonna “hatewatch” the Sonic movie “ironically” for V-Day, but I dunno how I can contain my latent hedgehog horniness for 100 minutes. Please help!!!!! (Just crank that hog beforehand... Ideally in the privacy of your own domicile and away from any hedges.) Please help, I'm in an early screening and came as soon as The Blue Blur appeared. How do I escape without anyone noticing? (Roll aerodynamically around at the speed of sound.) If this movie spawns a Sonic Cinematic Universe, which edgy scene would you want in a Shadow film? (Eight minute long take. Curb stomp over last chilli dog. Windows Movie Maker title screen. Three Days Grace soundtrack.) Theater banned me after an early screening. What was so upsetting about my Shadow cosplay? (Not sure. Maybe the Birth of A Nation screening will be more receptive?)
V-Day (Cont'd) Which one of the five dudes I'm talking to should I make my Valentine? (Depends. Which one would you consider your best, best friend? Which one's the most genuine and supportive? Which one could be most easily coerced into kidnapping and performing a Molochian sacrifice?) How can I DM slide from another app’s bio in the least Joe Goldberg-y fashion possible? (Explain that you just wanna get to know her better. Her EXIF photo geotags, Social Security Number, and debit card CVV can only tell you so much, after all.) No luck on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or Coffee Meets Bagel. Should I give it a go on LinkedIn? (I don't see why not. See it as the evolution of the workplace romance that HR won't be able to stop.)
haha kidding... unless? :3 Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, February 12th, 2020
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Congratulations to Joaquin "The African Dream" Phoenix for his win at the Oscars
Please don't follow these tips
Tips to impress your girl this Valentine's Day
PAGE A7
By Benjamin Bing-Bong 1) Tell her you're an editor for your school's satire newspaper 2) Inform her about all of the times you respected women over the internet 3) Ask her about things you don't care about that you think she cares about that she actually doesn't care about. 4) Try to get her to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion again. 5) Invite her over to your house just to make her watch you play Luigi's Mansion on the Switch
6) JUST BE YOURSELF, BRO.
We'll Love you Instead :) Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:40-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D Craigslist for perverts I am looking for someone willing to sell me a single Airpod. I do not need two. I do not need the case. Just one single Airpod. I lost one. How does one lose a single Airpod, you ask? Normal ways: I flushed it down the toilet or dropped it or whatever. I definitely did NOT swallow it. I would never be dumb enough to lose an Airpod under a cheeseburger and accidentally swallow it. Who does that?! And I definitely didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t spend the next 3 hours playing music as loud as I could to hear where the Airpod was lodged within my intestines. Email me at airpodman4@gmail.com if you can help. I'm not looking for anything I just wanted to say damn that guy who lost their airpod's a dumbass lmao. Also if you have any heroin plz email me at heroin4harry@gmail.com
Hi-ku
Please have sex with me Then we can Facetime my mom She'll make us cookies.
the Medium
Suck my balls Bono up the 'ra
The Top 10 Songs of All Time Ever Made Based on My Opinion By Bonor Bohnston 10) "Starman" by David Bowie: This song was the original inspiration for the Star Wars movies. 9) "The Seinfeld Song" by Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld really outdid himself with this one when he came up with this classic jingle. 8) "Mambo No. 5": This song is literally just a guy listing off all the women he's slept with. Utter legend. 7) "The Ten Crack Commandments" by Biggie Smalls: Whenever I forget how to sell crack, I just put this song on and everything comes rushing back to me. 6) "Welcome to The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance: WHEN I WAS.....A YOUNG BOY..... 5) "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men: To this day, we still do not know who let them out. 4) "Sir Duke" by Stevie Wonder: I have no jokes for this one I just really like this song. 3) "Toxic" by Britney Spears: THEY WROTE THIS SONG ABOUT MY FRIGGING MUDDA-IN-LAW AM I RIGHT FELLAS?! 2) "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel: I think about this song when I remember I have no gf. 1) "Parents Just Don't Understand" by Will Smith: They really don't.
February 12, 2020 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS and well I did Jack 6 times yesterday
ANDRE IGUODALA BEAT UP OUTSIDE STRIP CLUB BY GRIZZLIES TEAMMATES PRIOR TO TRADE TO HEAT
IGUODALA THINKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO HIM BY DILLONBROOKSBURNER69
A trade this past off-season sent Andre Iguodala from the five-time defending Western Conference Champion Golden State Warriors to the Memphis Grizzlies- a team
Iggy did not want to play for. For the first half of this season, the 16 year veteran refused to suit up for any games, saying he only would play for a contender. Finally on February 6th, Iguodala got his way, and was sent to the Miami
13 NBA Trade Deadline Headlines BY WOJ AND ZACH LOWE MATCHED ON TINDER
1. Andre Drummond proceeded to commit suicide after finding out he was traded to Cleveland 2. Cleveland fans proceeded to do the same after finding out they traded for a big man who cannot shoot three pointers 3. D'Angelo Russell traded to the Wolves, his fourth team in five years. He hopes to play for all 30 teams by 2025 4. Andrew Wiggins sent to Warriors in D'Angelo Russell deal, hopes to take 95% of Golden State's shots 5. When Steph Curry and Klay Thompson come back from injury, Coach Steve Kerr plans to murder Wiggins 6. Marcus Morris traded to Clippers, tells them he will refuse to play for them as he wants to play for the Knicks superior franchise 7. Isaiah Thomas also traded to Clippers, but they did not see him there because he was too small, he was subsequently cut 8. After tweeting out all the above as Woj-Bombs, Adrian Wojnarowski acidentally tweeted out an actual bomb, 200 people were killed 9. Coronavirus traded from Chinese Basketball Association to the NBA, 69 players are reportedly effected 10. Matt Barnes to come out of retirement, hopes to be traded to 31st NBA team 11. Well I said there would be 13 things so if this takes up two lines then I have less space to fill and I am running out of ideas 12. Commisioner Adam Silver may be traded to Warriors to play for them after their terrible season performance 13. Antonio Brown is hoping possibly be traded to the NBA from the NFL in hopes of finding a new team to play for
Heat- but not before some massive locker room trouble in Memphis. Iguodala’s lack of support for the organization he was supposed to be competing in games for caused some of his younger teammates to become very upset with him. 24 year old Dillon Brooks stated he wanted the 36 year old veteran gone, saying on February 3rd, “I can’t wait until we find a way to trade him.” 20 year old Ja Morant agreed and posted a picture of Kevin Durant holding up the Finals Most Valuable Player trophy to show he was the only reason the Warriors were good. While these interactions on the 3rd and the trade on the 6th were reported by the media, the events that went down on February 4th were not. However, through a source that exclusively spoke to The Medium on terms of anonymity (it was Dillon Brooks), we now know what occurred. After hearing from management that Iggy was likely to be traded, Dillon Brooks called a team
meeting. He said they should send a goodbye present to their hated teammate by beating the shit out of him. Knowing Iggy was always skipping practice to go to strip clubs instead, the youngin’s surrounded Blow N Grind Strip Club following practice. As soon as Iggy exited the club at 9 PM (the veteran needed to get home early to get some rest), the Grizzlies pounced. Iguodala attempted to escape, but he was nothing in comparison to the young kids on the team. After a 30 minute endeavor, in which Jaren Jackson Jr. beat Iggy with a broomstick , Ja Morant dunked Iggy through a portable basketball hoop, and Dillon Brooks sang the Canandian national anthem in the background, the young Grizzlies finally let their victim go. At press time, Andre Igoudala is currently on a beach in Miami reflecting on his life decisions, thinking about how he was just beat up by a group of people who were younger than his kids.
Me Writing this Sports Page: By the Numbers
20+
1
minutes realizing I wasn't sure what I should write about this week
sports editor who will probably be fired for putting this sorry excuse of an article in
16
12
times I jacked off this week instead of writing articles
readers who actually have read this far, just kidding, it's zero
95%
69
of the jokes on this page are complete shit
The sex position I plan to lose my virginity in, I'm 25 and still have not had sex, God please help me
Well on this line we write what the sports page has done SINCE 1970
