No matter how hard you keep vaccuming the

THIS EXISTENCE IS PAIN PLEASE KILL ME

...continued from front LET THIS SCHOOL PROFIT OFF YOUR PERIOD LIKELY SOURCED UNETHICALLY ...continued from front

greek chorus, speaking in a horrible melding of canned soundbites “Cornpop called me Snowwoman, we need Malarkey for all who want it”. The creature’s voice sounded desperately sad, yet surprisingly comforting in a generic kind of way. The rest of the speech consisted of pained wails and crys to “KiLl uS!”

“Jesus Christ, what have you done? *whispering* g-g-ggod is dead. *now yelling*GOD IS DEAD” said Senator Sanders after seeing the video. CNN and MSNBC had a field day with his comments, calling out his statement as divisive and “Trumpian”. Elizabeth Warren chimed in and too condemned Sanders and his supporters for their attacks on Klobugieg. The results of Super Tuesday have shown that America might finally be ready for a horrendous moderate homunculus president, and for that we should all pat ourselves on the back.

NEXT WEEK:

SOMEONE THROWING UP ON THE WALL

OR

SOMEONE SLAPPING A WET TOWEL ON CONCRETE

these things, they also have a line of condoms planned for rollout! These Rutgers brand condoms will be labeled as Scarlet Protectors (get it, because they protect the users from unwanted pregnancies and STDs). For however bad an idea the tampons were, Rutgers hit the ball out of the park with these condoms! Each condom will be tinted red (of course), but will also have a Scarlet Knight temporary tongue tattoo! Personally speaking, I have never had any reason to ever use a condom since no being on this planet wants to get anywhere near my penis, but I can only imagine how much fun those tattoos will be! Boxes of 30 count Scarlet Stoppers and Protectors can be found at Barnes and Noble and will be $167 each, $5 across the street at Scarlet Fever.

THINK YOU'RE NOT FUNNY ENOUGH TO WRITE FOR US? YOU'RE WRONG, IDIOT WEDNESDAY LIVI STUDENT CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM 7:45 PM COME PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN

PENCE CAN PREVENT THE PLAGUE

PENCE TO INITIATE FIRST STEP

IN CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE BY PUTTING GAYS IN CAMPS

ROGER'S WANG NOW IN FAMILY SIZE

“To be honest, it just seemed to work so well in the past that there was absolutely nothing else I could have possibly added or improve upon,” says Pence at the press conference, alluding to an earlier comment in which he referred to Hitler as a “big, personal hero” and

the historic practice of eugenics as “inspirational”. Bored while he scrolls through Grindr, Pence continues, describing it as “the best--if not only--way to guarantee fighting chances against the virus.” When further questioned by the press, he becomes slightly exasperated, admitting that “Yes, it’s an ambitious task--but looking up at my past successes, I think I’m up for it. I had some other ideas as well, but I accidentally dropped the etch-a-sketch on which I wrote them .”

Pence also promised that he would continue to defund public healthcare in an effort to promote wider-spread use of shared needles and essential oils. “When the vaccine finally comes, it would be really in the best spirit and interest of capitali-” Pence gets cut off by a wave from someone in the crowd. “Uh, I meant, America, if it was made relatively unaffordable. Instead, afflicted individuals will be distributed the necessary thoughts and prayers.” Pence raises his hands, acknowledging the murmurs amongst the crowd. “If any more treatment is needed, we will administer conversion and shock therapy so they will just stop being sick.”

Inexplicably, the clamor amongst the crowd continues. “There should be absolutely no worries at all; I’ve invested tons of personal interest and research to prepare myself for this role.” Pence holds up his phone, proudly displaying a Plague Inc. ‘Victory’ screen that reads ‘COVID-19 has successfully eliminated all life on earth.'

Sensing what he believed to be a grave misunderstanding, Pence persists, giving an outline of the future initiatives in his plan.

“My plan is sensible and should hopefully be completely noncontroversial. As sanctioned and requested by President Trump, I will exercise due negligence and maximize the infectivity in metropolises, making sure that as many liberals and minorities as possible ar-” The woman who cut Pence off earlier gets up and signals to the press that the conference is over.

LOCAL MILF IN YOUR AREA!

COME FIND THEM AT OUR PITCH MEETING!

PLEASE!

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME TO THE MEETING, AT LEAST SUBMIT SOMETHING

THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC BOARD ROOM

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. Editorial Staff Spring 2020 Zachary Fox Vickram Singh Shaina Joseph Long-Island Medium Michael Bloomberg News Editors Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor Samuel Hammer Dan Cretella Quinlan Van Es Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Conor Johnston Kelly Manniello Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Media Producer Content Creator Doug Willig Jacob Sclar Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner Michael CellettiAnne Somalwar Editors-in-Chief Business Manager Mascot Resident Douche