You will be called at least once a week by

OPINIONS Wednesday, March 4 th , 2020 the Mediu themedium.submissions@gmail.com "Oh, cool outlet, anyone got a fork?" UNIVERSITY VOICES POLITICS FUCKING SUCKS HOPE FORD'S SQUARE-DANCIN' IN HELL

Growing up in northern New Jersey suburbia, I was forced to square dance on an almost yearly basis during Gym class. Every time someone asked “Hey, what’s up with the mandated yeehaw,” the teachers would get annoyed and say it was required by law; but little did 14-year-old me know, the real reason is far dumber than I could’ve imagined. Apparently, Mr. Cars himself, Henry Ford, is largely to blame. Henry Ford was so racist and antisemitic that he thought that Jazz was a Jewish conspiracy to make Americans lazy drug-users. Antisemitism aside, Mr. Ford, don’t threaten me with a good time. This crusty ass oldy took it upon himself to spend his fortune not helping the needy but investing in initiatives to make Square Dancing the national dance. Now, you may ask: “what does that have to do with jazz?” In a way, he thought that the traditional white dances of old could counterbalance what he deemed to be a scourge on the young people.

Ford said it himself in his 1921 The International Jew series: “Many people have wondered whence come the waves upon waves of musical slush that invade decent homes and set the young people in this generation imitating the drivel of morons. . . Jazz is a Jewish creation”. His efforts in elevating Square Dancing were mostly successful, it’s been the state dance of New Jersey since 1983.

With all of this considered I just want to say: FUCK YOU HENRY FORD, YOU RACIST OLD DEAD BITCH, YOU MADE GYM SUCK. Remember to support your local jazz musicians and to pee on every Ford that you see.

Ok, so I knew this guy was "religious," at least that's what he said before we moved in together, but he didn't tell me he'd be sacrificing goats and shit. I walked in on him and a couple buddies wearing robes cutting open a fucking goat in our room. Like, how the fuck did they get a goat in the Quads? A week after that shit happened (I filed a report to move out, but you know how Rutgers is), I came in and saw this guy fucking levitating above his bed like that bitch from Ghostbusters. I was smarter than those assholes in The Conjuring and shit so I got the fuck out of there.

I found out that the guy next door got tired of the chanting, went over there to check it out, and he got possessed by Amiruba, the eternal Mesopotamian God of Death, so there's that. Better that dumbass than me, amiright? Anyway, Rutgers is too cheap to call in an exorcist or something, so there's just gonna be a demon living in Quad 2 for the forseeable future. Half of the kids in the Quads are just going about business as usual, like the fucking dumbass whities they are. What kinda mayo, honkey shit is going on at Rutgers? The Ultimate Compromise Candidate

It is my firmest belief that for a nation to thrive, it must float with a solid foundation on BOTH sides. It must be evenly, equally supported by a robust LEFT WING as much as it should be supported by a robust RIGHT WING. An adequate Commander in Chief, in my view, should operate like a bristle worm; bottom feeding, brimming with venom, incapable of questioning the most asinine and bad faith of ideas, and nimbly moving across the aisle without a spine. Senators Sanders and Warren may threaten to place every one to the right of Vladimir Lenin in their spooky scary Central Park gulags, and the remaining candidates may be making grand, superficial gestures about “compromising” 99.9% of their political influence to the GOP.

So why not have that actionable comprise reflected in a genuine, blue-collar, working-class candidate? Republicans were quick to rally behind Joe The Plumber, so why hasn’t the DNC rallied behind figures like Larry Visoski, chief pilot of billionaire sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein’s (may he rest in peace) Lolita Express plane? Folks, this is a man who has spent nearly three decades cooperating with Democratic, Republican, and Independent elites. A man with grit to maintain civility as wrinkly, sociopathic leper ghouls did their worst. A man with the tried and true record of transporting William Jefferson “Her Majesty” Clinton, “Mini” Michael Bloomberg, Donald “DooDoo” Drumpf, and every stripe of the political rainbow.

Why abide by the political strategies of the old, or fringe ones of the new? Why not turn the page in the “Little Black Book” to a new chapter of maintaining status quo? Why not play “Hardball” and elect someone who is honest about their own sliminess for a change? "One of the white ones." Leslie Nix She's not wrong "Bernie Sanders, I've heard nothing but negative things about him from the mainstream media." John Farley Only reads MSNBC and Fox "Please let it be Biden. God knows he's gonna say even more crazy shit really soon." Ashley Biden Dad's just a disappointment Fuck You Ghost of Henry Ford for Making Me Learn Square-Dancing BY CHRIS MATTHEWS BY JEN BEVERLY Who's dropping out of the Presidential Race next?

I AM RIGHTFULLY AFRAID OF GHOSTS

My Roommate Got Possessed (Not Clickbait) BY JACKSON ASSON