People will ask you if a store called GAMEstop

Politics How do I deflect others attempts to get a political opinion out of me? (Drop trouse. Shit profusely, publically, and violently. Viscous, sludgy, bile green, undigested corn shit.) Pee Pee (I dunno, I'm pretty undecided between writing in him, Amy Schrote, and Ligma, Peter right now.) Starting a new internship soon. Where do I find a clean piss dealer to cover for me and my drug dealer? Preferably sold by the mason jar? My poor Yorkie Cait just vanished last weekend. What can I do to find her? (Mam, I'm afraid she went up to a barn in South Bend. My sincerest condolences.) (Say you got too aroused by the open Chick Hicks Rule 34 folder on his laptop. Happens to the best of us.) I peed my pants in lecture, can I frame the person next to me somehow? (Oh yeah? Then piss your pants? Shit and cum? Ramble into the void about how fucked multi-billion dollar corporate oligarchy is?) Say you're voting for Joe and when they ask "Biden", answer "Joe Mama." (If a bike helmet can withstand concrete, it can sure as hell withstand a stapler careening 15 miles per hour. If she mocks you for wearing it, mock her for being a reptile ghoul that eats with a fucking comb.) Intern for a pretty big campaign that just ended. Boss lady is on a power trip right now. How can I protect myself? (I have a hunch you're covering for a little more than that, but the answer to your question is Craigslist. Probably Craigslist.) The Mulan remake makes me so mad that I want to cry. (Not a GOOD alternative, but it theoretically IS an alternative.) Is the stadium piss trough a good cheap alternative to $7 stadium draft beer?

Word of the Week:

Romance How can I spice up my bio to get more matches and messages on FarmersOnly? (Expand your preference filters outside immediate family first.) If you live in the suburbs there likely ARE horny MILFs in your area, they just don’t want to fuck you.

(Don't remind me. Getting struck out by the hot singles and Instagram groupchat bots in my area was already bad enough :( )

Why do literally all of my Tinder matches turn out to live ungodly far away? (Fuck if I know. We can mass surveil an entire country and target drone strikes in the middle of a city, but that shit still can't discern 12 miles from 4,586 miles. Or maybe we're just that repellent.)

Lonely doomsday prepper here. How can I make cuddling my expired rice bag a more realistic girlfriend experience? (Mop head. Volley balls. Bowie knife. Duct tape. Or Craiglist. I'm sure you can figure some weird shit out from there.)

Eczema n. Sandpaper dry dead skin and vegan substitute for cheese. (albeit, not cruelty free)

OPEN NEW PARADIGMS KACHOW YOUR EYES KACHIGGA YOUR MIND SPEED & DO CRIMES

Miscellaneous How do you fellow homo sapiens clean your coffee creamer knife, besides lubricating it with your tongue? (Fuck off Amy.) Can I sell you a great concept album? I can't sing or make music, but it's bound to make a boatload! (Sure man. Been wanting to get the garage metal band back together after high school.) Can I stow inside one of your suitcases to get away from my family over Spring Break? (Can I stowaway with you? The B.O. will get real rank real quick, but I promise I'll be a good tenant!) If you could challenge any of the Kings Of Comedy to a fight to the death, who would you choose? (None. Would YOU trifle a unit like Steve Harvey?)

AWAKEN THE SHEEPLE Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room